OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 11/7/2011

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-
BROADCAST IN OAOAST 3D

We're taken straight to Sofa Central which is decorated in a festive fall theme with leaves, scarecrows and fall flags.

COLE
Folks, we are live in San Diego, California, for OAOAST HeldDOWN~! Michael Cole joined by Da Coach for a night in which we will see the OAOAST World Title defended in a major matchup.

OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
SIX PERSON ELIMINATION MATCH
KRISTA VS CMJ VS ALEXANDER THE BRUTAL VS ODIN VS BADASS JACK VS REMY BAZIL
TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT!

COACH
Good lord what a match that is!

COLE
Right now let's take it to Tony Brannigan who has more.

We go to interview stage to find OAOAST legend Tony Brannigan standing by.

BRANNIGAN
Please welcome to the stage...OAOAST President....Alfdogg!

Alf walks onto stage to a huge reaction from the San Diego crowd.

BRANNIGAN
Alf, at the risk of sounding like a kiss up, its great to have you here.

ALF
From one legend to another legend, its great to be out here.

BRANNIGAN
Alf, why did you make this major match for HeldDOWN~!?

ALF
The reason I made the match is simple, its all about giving opportunity to people who deserve it. World title shots are a very scarce commodity in this sport, and some people think that’s a good thing. But I think that keeps a lot of talented wrestlers out on the outside looking in as it relates to being a world champion. I wanted to change that. And I think I did. And what we have in this match are six very tough people. There’s no creampuffs or softies in this contest. Badass Jack, twenty two year veteran, he’s been in some wars. His buddy Remy Bazil, tough Cajun street fighter. And so on and so on.

BRANNIGAN
Now, you and I both know a champion lives to defend their title. But do you think this match is fair to Krista?

ALF
Krista actually was excited for this contest. She told me she looked forward to the match and enhancing her already great legacy. Then she realized she was talking to a former professional wrestler and she laughed in my face and walked away.

BRANNIGAN
Everyone knows you and Odin have a problem with each other. I’ve got to wonder why you included him in this match?

ALF
Its no secret that Odin’s quest to take over the OAOAST Galaxy worries me a lot. The OAOAST Galaxy belongs to the people, not to one man. But, he’s been a prominent part of the OAOAST programs, has a victory over Alix and is simply put a very, very, strong performer.

BRANNIGAN
Make a prediction for me. Who is going to win?

ALF
Predictions are a tough thing to make. But, I say look out for Alexander The Brutal. Here’s a guy who’s beaten Daisuke before, he’s beaten Odin, he’s choked out Christian Wright, and it could very well be his night. I could be congratulating him as world champion when the night is over and done with.

TONY
Sounds great, Alf. Thanks.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return from commercial break with Theodore Moneymaker and Lorelei DeCenzo standing in the ring.

MONEYMAKER
Ladies and Gentlemen: a travesty occurred this past Halloween. I was denied my rightful place in the history books as a two time world champion. I was denied my birthright by a man that wouldn’t even be equal if I was a paralyzed ant, and a woman that by all rights should be my submissive bride!

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

MONEYMAKER
How, great things could have been. How the world would’ve bowed before me with me as its champion. How, children would’ve looked at me with awed eyes, how women would’ve lusted after me and how men would’ve revered me. I was close. I was dangerously close to winning the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship. I was incredibly close to capturing the elusive prey known as Krista Isadora Duncan for my every whim and desire. I was so close that it scared people. I put the fear of an immortal king into the hearts of mere mortals. The rest of the OAOAST recoiled for fear at a thought of a company ruled by me in every facet! Yet, I remain without the world title. Tonight, is not my night though. Tonight is the night of Colin Maguire Junior! He will take up the banner of The Enteprise, and bring to us the world heavyweight championship! Then Krista will be heartbroken, lost, and weak. And I will be there to extend my hand, help her up, and fulfill our long promised romance!

COLE
Give me a break. Has he not realized by now that Krista is a lesbian?

MONEYMAKER
Tonight is also about another man besides Colin. A man that has turned his life and his career around in just the span of months. He’s ditched the ham and egger he was saddled with for years, he’s befriended a true American Hero in Mister Dick, and now he has come to accept me as his king. I give to you, Kareem…

If you wanna be with me
Baby there's a price to pay
I'm a genie in a bottle
You gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me
I can make your wish come true
You gotta make a big impression (Oh yeah)
Gotta like what you do

Christina Aguilera's classic pop hit "Genie In The Bottle" plays while smoke fills up the entry way. Stepping through the thick haze is Kareem.

COLE
We saw Kareem interfere on Theodore Moneymaker's behalf at Halloween Spectacular. What's the connection between these two?

Kareem enters the ring where he's handed a microphone and smiled at by Moneymaker.

MONEYMAKER
Kareem, how do you feel?

KAREEM
Sweet to the tenth power, Mister Moneymaker!

MONEYMAKER
Why don’t you tell the peons in the attendance why you’ve decided to link up with the premier group in professional wrestling.

KAREEM
For the money,
(looks at Lorelei)
and for the honeys! I’ve always been about the dollar bill, Mister Moneymaker sent a whole bunch of dollars my way. But, I’m more just than just a generic big man, out to squash everyone who gets in The Enterprise’s way. Oh, I can do that, please believe me. But, I’m also somewhat of a genie.

COLE
A genie?

KAREEM
I grant wishes and make dreams come true for The Enterprise! They say they want something, and I bring it straight to them! Mister Moneymaker wanted the world title, and if it weren’t for that scrawny punk Landon Maddix he’d have it.

MONEYMAKER
Which brings me to my next wish. Landon Maddix has become more than a nuisance, more than a problem, more than a thorn in my side. He has become a cancer, threatening my very life. I wish to be rid of him and his disease. I wish you to crush him so bad that he’ll never have any dream of retaliation.

KAREEM
Your wish is my command! Landon Maddix, you’re a done deal, kid!

COACH
If I'm King Landon, I'm feeling worried right now!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

And now, the OAOAST HOT NEWZLINE presents the OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK!

COURTESY: OAOAST HALLOWEEN SPECTACULAR

Abdullah staggers out of the corner and into the arms of Deuce, who delivers a sit-out shoulder piledriver!

COLE
What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!

Deuce breaks the pin, points to the top and delivers a FLYING HEADBUTT!

COLE
Funky Cold Medina!

The cover.

NO!

Deuce decides to perform another top rope flying head BUTT!

COACH
What the hell? Put the man out of his misery.

COLE
I think Deuce intends to put that snake in the grass through more of it.  

Deuce follows with a second and third flying head BUTT and then covers Abdullah.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

This has been the OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK, presented by the OAOAST HOT NEWZLINE~!

It's more exciting than phone sex!

Back in the arena we pan around the sea of mass.

COLE
Deuce Deuce Bigelow was in full beast mode last Monday night when he soundly defeated Abdullah Nerdly at the fifth annual OAOAST Halloween Spectacular, leaving the inspirational leader of the CoA with sore ribs and a bruised ego.

COACH
You say that with such joy, Mikey Cole.

COLE
Because that devil in a holy man’s disguise had it coming. Unlike the All-American Boys and Mariachi, the victims of a heinous backstage assault by TK and the Heavenly Rockers in response to Abdullah’s defeat. I understand all three CoA members received an undisclosed fine and a one week suspension for their actions.

“Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z hits and out walk BIG PAPA THRUST and his #1 freakazoid OOHLALA.

COACH
We’ve got company, baby boy.

BPT enters the ring and demands a mic.

BIG PAPA THRUST
Reject, you got till the count of 10 to bring your ass to the ring so we can finish what we started on Halloween, or I’m gonna go back there and drag you down here personally.

“ONE!”
“TWO!”
“THREE!”

COLE
It was at the Halloween Spectacular Big Papa Thrust and Reject fought to a double count out in a grueling high-impact encounter.

“FOUR!”
“FIVE!”
“SIX!”

BIG PAPA THRUST
Screw it, chicken shit! Ten!

BPT turns to toss the mic back to ring announcer Michael Buffer and gets leveled by a BIG BOOT courtesy of QUIZ!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Where the heck did he come from?

Oohlala can only watch in horror as Quiz does a number on her man. She hesitates for a moment and then flees backstage.

COACH
Look at that, Cole. When the going got tough Oohlala just went going. *laughs*

Quiz continues to do a number on BPT when Oohlala re-appears alongside DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

The Beast from Sin City and Quiz go toe to toe until Deuce ducks a clothesline and dropkicks Quiz over the top rope!

COLE
Deuce’s wild in San Diego!

Quiz retreats as Deuce stands tall, only for REJECT to sneak in and deliver a EULOGY~!!!

COACH
Reject!

COLE
Damn him!

Reject slithers out of the ring, a smirk on his face, and receives a pat on the back from Quiz. Meanwhile, OAOAST officials swarm ringside to ensure the situation doesn’t get any further out of control.

[Chanel #99]

We cut backstage, to the back of the building. The entrance to the back of the building, infact. Arriving fashionably late to the show, Krista Isadora Duncan shows up.

Carrying a DAGGER in her hand.

Luckily, Jade Rodez-Duncan happens to have been waiting for her and leaps to attention the moment she spots her Mom.

JADE
MOM!

KRISTA
(eeirely calm)
Oh, hi Jade. Have you seen Melissa around?

JADE
Mom, what the hell are you doing!?

KRISTA
I just wanna talk to Melissa, that's all.

JADE
Talk!? You've got a knife in your hand!

KRISTA
I just wanna talk to Melissa.

JADE
Oh god, HELP! Somebody help!

Alerted to the shouting going on nearby, the OAOAST newest backstage interviewer SARA JEAN UNDERWOOD shows up, more intrepid, or perhaps naive, than the rest of her colleagues would be with a dagger wielding Krista around.

SARA JEAN
This is Sara Jean Underwood, standing by with world reknowned superstar Krista Isadora Duncan! Krista, it's a pleasure to meet you and oh my god you've got a knife!

KRISTA
I just wanna talk to Melissa and oh my god you have breasts!

Krista shakes Sara Jean's hand excitedly, seeming to shake out of her trance somewhat.

KRISTA
It's a pleasure to meet you and maybe a pleasure to pleasure you. Maybe. Yes? Maybe?

JADE
Mom, for god's sake put the knife down!

KRISTA
Okay, first of all, it's not a knife. I'm not some sort of criminal, okay. It's a dagger. Second, Sara, please ignore the fact that I'm old enough to have a teenage daughter, I was very young when she was born I can assure you. Judge me on condition, not age, I implore you. And third, does anybody know where Melissa is, because I'm feeling awful stabby today.

JADE
I know what she did, but you can't stab her!

SARA JEAN
That does sound like a bad idea, Krista.

KRISTA
So you're saying I can't show up tonight and carve vengeful words into the skin of another human being by way of retribution? Not even with a dagger? Why not? My daughter may be permanently disfigured thanks to her. That tone deaf inbred Canadian hick and two people who I've never seen before in my life but I can only presume have something to do with Melissa, I don't watch the shows and nobody has filled me in due to my murderous rage I'm sorry, hit Maya with a guitar. And now, she's sat at home, with cuts and bruises all over her head and face. She may be scarred. We've already had to call my plastic surgeo... uhh, I mean a plastic surgeon I've never had the need to meet before in my life, to check and see if Maya needs reconstructive surgery. Do you realise what that means?

JADE
Hang on. Maya gets a few cuts and you're blinded by rage? All the times people have hurt me, you never threatened to stab anyone.

KRISTA
.........
Look, this isn't a popularity contest, Jade. I'm not saying Maya means more to me than you. All I'm saying is, your sister's looks mean more to me than yours.

JADE


KRISTA
No, wait, that came out wrong. I'm saying, her looks are more valuable than yours.

JADE


KRISTA
Look, can somebody just tell me where I can find Melissa so I can start stabbing?

JADE
Mom, you don't have to stab anyone.

KRISTA
Ugh. I always hate it when people tell me that.

JADE
I spoke to Alfdogg already. He's made a match next week. You and me, against Melissa and her backing singers. So we can get our revenge then, without the need for anyone to go to jail for the rest of their lives.

Mulling this over, Krista calmly tucks the dagger back in her pocket.

KRISTA
Okay. Sounds fair to me. Now that we've got that sorted, tell me, Sara Jean, do you know Alix by any chance?

SARA JEAN
I know of her, of course! Haven't had the pleasure of meeting her yet though.

KRISTA
You really should join us for sex some time.

SARA JEAN
...uhm...

KRISTA
I mean dinner! Dinner! Just dinner. ....and then sex.

SARA JEAN
Well, I'm... uhh, very flattered.

JADE
(looking annoyed)
Don't you have a title match you should be getting ready for, Mom.

KRISTA
What have I told you about calling me that in front of attractive women sweetie?

JADE
I don't know. Maybe you should ask Maya.

KRISTA
Well, I can see I've heaped you with even more psychological baggage that you're going to take out on me, so I guess I'd better listen to you before you start crying. Again. Pleasure meeting you, Sara Jean.

SARA JEAN
Pleasure...

KRISTA
Pleasure you? Well, if you insist!

JADE
Mom!

KRISTA
Alright alright, I'm going. Some other time.

Krista walks off, leaving Sara Jean confused by her first, very forward meeting with her. Realising Krista is still carrying the dagger, Jade makes her exit as well, deciding she'd better not get too far away from Krista's side.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, OAOAST trainers give Big Papa Thrust a concussion test.

BIG PAPA THRUST
If I had a concussion could I do this?

BPT shoves the male trainer down and gives his female assistant a big wet kiss. Oohlala doesn’t mind though. As a matter of fact, she’s turned on by her man’s fire.

BIG PAPA THRUST
Quiz, I hope you’re listening, boy. I might not be no rocket scientist… but I damn sure can kick your ass! So put your cute little panties on and meet me in the ring. And Reject, I fully expect you to get involved someway, somehow. When you do I’ll be ready. Hell, I’m ready now!

OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
SIX PERSON ELIMINATION MATCH
KRISTA VS CMJ VS ALEXANDER THE BRUTAL VS ODIN VS BADASS JACK VS REMY BAZIL
TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We see Badass Jack sitting by his lonesome in the locker room, grinding his steel claws together. Within moments he’s approached by Remy Bazil.

REMY
Bonjour, Jack!

BADASS JACK
Cajun.

REMY
We’re both in a big world title match tonight. Those title belts, they make people do strange things. The type of things they’d never dream of doing to another man, people will do ‘em. But, I don’t want this match to make the misere between us. We’re podnas, right?

BADASS JACK
Yeah, we’re partners.

REMY
Great! That means we gotta work together. Gar ici, we gotta make sure to team up and get those other four out the contest. If we work together like the amiees we are, we can-

BADASS JACK
We’re “friends”. We can work together. But, if you keep me from winning the world heavyweight championship…
(Jack holds up his steel claws)
I’ll slit your throat. Get me?

Remy nods quickly and fearfully.

[Chanel #99]

“Khyber Pass” hits and Quiz marches down the aisle cracking his knuckles.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, representing THE CHURCH OF ABDULLAH… from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, weighing 277 pounds... QUUUUIIIIZZZZZZZZ!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Earlier tonight we saw Quiz ambush Big Papa Thrust, who needless to say was none too pleased.

COACH
Yeah, he challenged Quiz to a match and even you gotta give the man credit for accepting.

“Big Pimpin‘” by Jay-Z hits and Big Papa Thrust charges the ring, where he’s met right away by Quiz.

* DINGDINGDING *

COLE
Big Papa Thrust isn’t going to wait. He wants Quiz and he wants him now.

COACH
Sounds like one of your pickup lines.

BPT ducks a big boot and executes a capture suplex! Following a big elbow he introduces Quiz to the turnbuckle and then unloads in the corner.

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

BPT whips Quiz across and connects with a corner clothesline, then delivers a TOP ROPE FRANKENSTEINER!

COLE
Oh my!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

COACH
That move would’ve put away a normal man, Mikey Cole, but Quiz is no ordinary man.

BPT hooks Quiz for a suplex, only to have it blocked and countered with a swinging neck breaker!

COACH
Even though he isn’t here physically, Abdullah Nerdly is here spiritually. How do you think Quiz escaped Big Papa Thrust’s clutches?

COLE
He used his ability. Say what you will about members of the CoA, but there’s no denying their talent. That’s what makes their association with the devil in a holy man’s disguise disappointing. They don’t need him to succeed.

Quiz muscles BPT in the corner and delivers a combination of shoulder thrusts/back elbows. However, BPT reverses a whip and sets for a backdrop that Quiz answers with a kick and a diving clothesline!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Quiz slams BPT mid-ring and proceeds to jaw with members of the OAOAST Galaxy as he climbs to the top. As you can guess, that allows BPT time to recover and does her ever, running up the ropes to perform a RELEASE OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- KICKOUT!

COACH
Dayum~! We were a half-a-count away from putting this one in the HeldDOWN~! history thread.

BPT plants Quiz with a double underhook power bomb and signals the end is near when REJECT appears.

COLE
It’s Reject, damn it. Big Papa Thrust knew this would happen.

Restrained by the official, Reject distracts BPT long enough for Quiz to regain the advantage and set for a pump handle slam… only for OOHLALA to deliver a LOW BLOW!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
What the heck?

COLE
YOU GO GIRL!

Quiz falls back with BPT on top as Oohlala exits. Unfortunately not fast enough, though. She’s caught on the apron by the official and reprimanded. Meanwhile, Reject enters the ring and PUNTS BPT UPSIDE THE HEAD!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The R-man places Quiz on top and then tries to yank Oohlala off the apron so the ref can make the count, only to be SLAPPED!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Again the ref is forced to restrain Reject. In the ring, Quiz shakes off the cobwebs and counts his own pin as DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW climbs the ropes.

COLE
Deuce’s wild! Again!

Quiz counts…

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!

BPT powers out just as Deuce drops down and delivers a TOP ROPE FLYING HEADBUTT!

COACH


COLE
Oh my! Funky Cold Medina on Big Papa Thrust!

Reject forgets his beef with Oohlala to yank Deuce outside and eats a knuckle sandwich.

Back in the ring, Quiz covers BPT.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

DEUCE


COLE
DAMNIT!

“Khyber Pass” cues and Quiz is cool as a cucumber. This is no upset in his mind.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner… QUUUUIIIIZZZZZZZZ!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Reject raises Quiz’s hand. All Deuce and Oohlala can do is look on in disgust.

COACH
It looks to me like Big Papa Thrust failed the pop quiz!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage we find Alexander The Brutal and Megan Skye heading down the hallway.

MEGAN
Are you ready?

ALEXANDER
Yes.

MEGAN
You look ready. You always look ready for a fight. Why is that?

ALEXANDER
Because I am.

MEGAN
But why?

ALEXANDER
Because the fight is me. The fight is the essence of Alexander. I do not fight for glory, or for money, or for any vain pursuits. I fight to be.

MEGAN
Be what?

ALEXANDER
Simply to be.

MEGAN
I guess when you win the world title, I can’t expect any big celebration out of you, can I? Scott and Danny are going to want to go out on the town with you tonight after you win.

ALEXANDER
Then we will go out on the town tonight. And tomorrow I will fight again. Only tomorrow I fight as champion. I exist as champion.

[Chanel #99]

We return to ringside with our view focused on Michael Buffer.

BUFFER
Ladies and Gentlemen: the following contest is a six-person elimination match for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship!

The twangy beats of Kid Rock’s “Devil Without a Cause” call out the slick Cajun, Remy Bazil. Shuffling a deck of cards, he steps through the thin red haze atop the entrance stage.

BUFFER
Introducing first from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, weighing in at two hundred seventeen pounds, he is REEEEEEEEEEMMMMYY BAAAAZZZZILLLLLLLL!

Remy Bazil arrogantly flicks a playing card at Buffer upon entering the ring.

COLE
This rookie from Louisiana has faced our world champion Krista Isadora Duncan several times before and fared very well given his experience. Now, his skills are being put to the true test and if he passes he’ll emerge world champion!

“I’m Shipping Up To Boston” plays as the lights flash green and yellow. Stepping onto the entrance stage, wearing his trusty Red Sox cap is The Enterprise’s Colin Maguire Junior. He throws off his green hooded track jacket, and then heads to the ring with purpose and intent. Right at his side as always is the sexy Lorelei DeCenzo.

BUFFER
And from Boston, Massachusetts, he weighs two hundred ten pounds, he is one third of the OAOAST Six Man Champions, accompanied by LORELEI DECENZO, and representing The Enterprise…COLIN MAGUIRE JUNIOOOOOORRRRRRRRR!

COACH
My nigga Colin! He’s looking to do Mister Moneymaker proud, his hometown proud, and Harvard proud and be the first Harvard graduate to ever win a world title.

COLE
Colin debuted two years ago with his since retired father, and his made a major name for himself with Spencer Reiger in the tag team ranks. He’s held the United States championship before, he’s no stranger to pressure situations.

Blue smoke pours onto the entry way while “You were a King now you’re Unconscious” rocks through the arena. Wearing a broad smile on his face, The God Of War Odin strides towards the ring.

BUFFER
From Asgard, he weighs two hundred fifty eight pounds, he is THE GOD OF WAR…OOODDDDDDIIIINNNNNNNN!

Inside the ring, the mighty being raises his fist into the air to send white pyro rocketing from each turnbuckle.

COACH
Tell me he’s not your favorite to win it all, Mikey Cole.

COLE
Odin is looking to take control of the OAOAST Galaxy, and what better way to do that than by capturing the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship?

“Disarm” by Smashing Pumpkins hits bringing a rusted cage up to the entrance stage. Inside the structure, holding a shield and sword is the powerful beast known as Alexander The Brutal. Megan Skye steps onto the entrance stage and unlocks the door to the cage to unleash Alexander upon the world.

BUFFER
From Kavala, Greece, he weighs in at two hundred forty five pounds, being accompanied by MEGAN SKYE he is…ALEXANDER THE BRUUUUTTTAAAALLLLLL!

Alexander discards both sword and shield before entering the ring. All but his old nemesis Odin, give him a wide berth.

COLE
Maybe no one in this match is as dangerous as this man, Alexander The Brutal. 6’5 245 pounds, he throws people around like they were toys. And he could very well throw himself into his first ever world title reign.

Cause I'm a badass
And you don't want to clash
Cause your mouth's writing checks that your face can't cash
Cause I'm a badass
And this war is your last
You just crossed my path and I'll drop you fast

Saliva’s “Badass” and red smoke join together in bringing out Badass Jack. The surliest man in the OAOAST storms to the ring, steel claws in hand.

BUFFER
From the Everglades….he weighs in at two hundred forty three pounds….BADASSSSS JJJAAAAAACCCKKKKKKKKK!

Jack gets into the ring, and nods to his partner Remy in a show of solidarity.

COLE
Alfdogg said this is a match about opportunity. No man is hungrier for opportunity than Badass Jack. Twenty-two years in the business. Not a single world title shot.

COACH
baBadass Jack has turned it on in the later years of his career. He used to be a fat, overall wearing goof named Outhouse Jack. Now he’s a lean, muscled, badass.

Give me those bright lights, long nights
High rise, over time
Give me them bright lights, long nights
Party till the sun is rising
High rise, over time
Working till the moon is shining
Hot guys, fly girls
Never thought I'd say
I feel on top of the world
I feel on top of the world Hey

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

It’s a fitting beach theme for the city of San Diego as all of the dancers are dressed in skimpy Baywatch style lifeguard uniforms. Trotting out slowly in classic Baywatch style is Krista Isadora Duncan. She wears the following costume…



COACH
Cole, I think I need mouth to mouth.

COLE
You got it, good buddy!

COACH
Not from you, you idiot!

BUFFER
And hailing from the unofficial capital of the UNIVERSE, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA!! She is a New York Times best selling author... a reality TV star... the founder of the FIT with KID line of exercise videos... a member of the Hollywood Walk Of Fame... the most desirable woman in Hollywood... a record setting champion in the OAOAST history books... and the reigning, defending, OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... KRISTA... IIIISSSSSAAADDOOOOOORRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAA... DDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not seeming to care about the cast of characters she’s faced with, Krista hangs herself upside from the ropes and blows a kiss to the camera.

COLE
Just days after defeating Theodore Moneymaker and Landon Maddix, Krista Isadora Duncan enters the battlefield for her toughest challenge yet. She must outlast five men to retain her OAOAST World Heayvweight Championship.

DING DING DING

The situation breaks into a brawl instantly with Remy and Jack attacking Krista, Alexander and Odin going after it and CMJ standing idly by with a smile on his face.

COACH
Look at Colin just standing there, that’s Harvard graduate smarts.

Once Alexander back drops Odin over the ropes, Colin springs into action. He nails Alexander with a series of lethal Irish Uppercuts. Having stunned Alexander, CMJ backs up and then charges in with a shoulder tackle. But Alexander slides out the way, and CMJ collides with the ring posts. There’s no time for Alexander to catch his breath, however, as his old rival Odin slides him out the ring. Alexander responds to this by downing him with a left cross. Odin lies powerless to stop Alexander from returning to the ring.

KRISTA
Okay being beaten on by Lash Laroux 2.5 and a psychotic Garth Brooks has lost all amusement. Out you go.

Krista back drops Jack to the outside, and then decks Remy with a discus punch. She follows those attacks up by dashing across the ring and rocking Alexander with a running knee.

KRISTA
I just realized this match is a disgusting and horrific sausagefest. You people really need some kitty, don’t you?

COACH
HELL YEAH WE DO!

But before Krista can reveal her most feminine area, Remy Bazil chucks her through the ropes to the outside. He turns around and performs the cover on Alexander…

ONE!


Kickout!

Remy begins pounding on Alexander with closed fists. Behind him an angered Krista slides into the ring. Remy quickly notices her arrival, and springs to his feet with a defiant face.

KRISTA
I don’t know who you think you are but if the horrified shrill shrieks of my eldest daughter aren’t enough to stop me from exposing myself in pubic you throwing me out the ring certainly isn’t.

Remy decides to try and shut Krista up and by slugging her in the face. Krista responds by kneeing him in the stomach and soon a full on brawl erupts. Krista staggers Remy with a series of open handed slams, and then shows him Blonds Never Pay a Cover with a side effect!

COLE
Remy should know by now it’s not wise to stop Krista from taking off her clothes!

Remy staggers to his feet, only to get scooped up and dropped by the Sword of Damocles by Alexander The Brutal! The cover is made…

CROWD
ONE!


CROWD
TWO!



CROWD
THREE!

COLE
Remy Bazil is gone!

KRISTA
If Theodore Moneymaker were here he’d BWAHHAHAHA at you, and then I’d bludgeon him with the guardrail. But he’d be right to laugh at you because your stupid ass got pinned in a match that contains a cement head Red Sox fan, a moron who believes he’s a Norse god, and a guy who possibly mates with Crocodiles. Remy Bazil, you are the biggest loser.

Krista’s words don’t help Remy in slightest, as he stares at the ground in shock. The other competitors look at him in an equal state of surprise, nobody able to believe he’s just been eliminated.

KRISTA
But seriously, why is everyone so shocked? You have a better chance of being raped by the ghost of George Burns then you do of seeing him win a match. What’s going on here? The funny looking kid who talks strange got beat up first. This is middle school stuff, people!

Referee Earl Hebner orders Remy out the ring despite the fact that the Cajun can’t manage to come to grips with the fact that he’s been eliminated.

COLE
Badass Jack and Remy had that alliance and that’s over and done with now. Jack is on his own.

Remy holds his head down as he makes the painful walk back towards the locker room.

“NA-NA-NA HEY! HEY! GOODBYE! NA-NA-NA! HEY! HEY! GOODBYE! NA-NA-NA! HEY! HEY! GOODBYE!” the crowd chants at Remy.

KRISTA
Oh boy, San Diego, you are really pushing to get me to start the petition to have you excommunicated from the Church of California. You might want to chant something different, perhaps a reference to gob of tissue Odin has jammed into his pants. No package is that big! And yes I’ve seen plenty, because many of you have decided a good Hanukah card includes a picture of your penis and testicles.

COACH
I certainly thought so!

Krista decides she’s done enough talking for one moment, and casually superkicks CMJ who was standing innocently by. He bumps into Jack and the two men tumble outside. At the same Alexander has thrown has old rival Odin over the top rope. This leaves he and Krista alone in the ring. The sold out crowd is abuzz over this very fact.

COLE
Alexander The Brutal and Krista Isadora Duncan: two almost unstoppable superstars inside the ring!

KRISTA
Honey, you’re Greek, right? I had a Gyro for lunch. We’re practically siblings! Is a gyro even Greek food? Someone look that up as I stall to prevent the hellish ass whipping this large man can no doubt deliver to me.

It isn’t Alexander who attacks Krista, but an enraged CMJ. This soon brings the other competitors into the ring with Odin and CMJ singling out the champion. Elsewhere, Jack stomps down his old rival Alexander. With Krista and Alexander incapacitated, Odin, CMJ, and Jack meet in the center of the ring. CMJ soon starts barking orders at the other two.

COLE
I don’t think a man who believes he has godly powers, and another that lives with an alligator are going to take orders very well.

Cole assertion is correct as Jack boots CMJ in the stomach. With Odin, he shoots CMJ into the ropes, and drops him with a double elbow on the return. However, their partnership can’t save them from harm as Alexander runs through Odin with a lariat, and Krista upends Jack with a dropkick. This once again leaves Krista standing with Alexander inside the ring.

COLE
I’m sure Krista wishes that were Melissa staring at her across the ring instead of Alexander.

COACH
I think Maya should take some of the blame for that mess. Because she acted like Jade was Obama and jumped in front of a bullet!

KRISTA
So as I was saying, I had a gyro, you’re Greek, ah fuck it, just look at my mammoth breasts for a while.



COACH
What’s the Greek word, for damn!

KRISTA
We’re cool, right? Because I can do tricks with them. I can make them bounce. I can jiggle them. I can even suck on them.

COACH
I chose that option!

A stone faced Alexander makes a motion of strapping the title belt around his waist.

KRISTA
Oh, you’re one of those guys.
(pointing to Megan)
What if she sucked on my breasts? That better?

COACH
I take it back, that’s the option I want!

Alexander once again makes the title belt motion across his waist.

KRISTA
Honey, I’m certainly not going to let Lorelei suck on them. I have a thing about cross species mating.

The Greek throws out a Thrust Kick to take things on a serious turn. Krista catches onto his boot and then sweeps out his free leg. As he starts to sit up, she bounces off the ropes to come back with a running knee to his face. A pinfall is then made…

ONE!


Alexander throws Krista off him. He jumps up as stern as ever, but does not dissuade her from trying to nail him with a bodyslam. Problematically, Alexander is much too big to be hit with a bodyslam by someone Krista’s size.

KRISTA
Ok, honey, look. I need to slam you so I can execute the bootysault. So up you go.

Alexander refuses to budge.

KRISTA
Hmmmm. I believe an explanation is in order. People have a certain expectation when I wrestle. They expect to hear some witty pop culture reference, maybe a shot at some inept politician, and quite frankly let’s just lay it out in the open they expect to be able to pleasure themselves. But does the joke about killing Russel Brand in his sleep make the guy in Utah who tweets updates for his TNA figure fed start tugging his beef bayonet? No. Is that sweet running knee going to get the butch lesbo in Jersey reaching for the vibe? No. It’s this nice thick Mother I’d Like To Fizuck ass that gets the illegal immigrant in Arizona watching on stolen cable to spank the one eyed bandit. So if you’re not going to be slammed for me, do it for them.

Alexander again refuses to be lifted.

KRISTA
I want you people at home to know that the reason you’re stuck jerking off to the Murphy Brown rerun that comes on after this is because of him not me.

Alexander tries to catch Krista by surprise by bringing down into a crossface. However, Krista is as usual one step ahead of her foe and rolls through the hold. As they both get to their feet, Krista leaps at Alexander for a KIDology. Alexander is just as shrewd as she is though and shoves her away. Problematically, he’s then spun around by CMJ and tossed over the ropes. The Boston native, decides Alexander is an easier target than Krista and follows him out the ring. The moment he steps outside is the moment Odin levels him with an uppercut to the throat.

COLE
Odin probably believes he has a lot of momentum after his tainted victory over Alix at Halloween Spectacular. And sometimes confidence is all you need.

Odin heads into the ring with a bright smile aimed at Krista. She responds with a look of total disgust.

COLE
The first meeting between two people with a god-complex!

KRISTA
Why are you doing that thing?

ODIN
What thing do you speak of?

KRISTA
Existing. Why are you doing that? Its annoying. I want you to stop. Now. I don’t care how, but preferably you’ll stop painfully and slowly for maximum entertainment value.

ODIN
Ignorant female! I am a God! I have existed since the dawn of time and will exist beyond the end of mortal man!

KRISTA
Good you’ll be alive to archive celebrity sex tapes over the centuries.

ODIN
Are you mocking me?

KRISTA
I would never mock you.

Odin gets the feeling he is in fact being mocked by being told he isn’t being mocked. As such he runs at Krista with a raised boot. The world champion ducks the attack, and comes up behind Odin to begin kicking him in the leg. Odin only tolerates so many of these attacks before he swings around and leaves Krista laying with a punch.

ODIN
I AM YOUR GOD! PRAISE ME!

“JESUS LOVES YOU! JESUS LOVES YOU! JESUS LOVES YOU!”

KRISTA
Who’s that for? Him? Me? Because I’m Jewish and we killed Jesus. So, not a lot of love there.

Odin scrapes Krista off the canvas so that he may shoot her into the ropes. Bouncing back, she’s taken into his arms and dropped with a delayed Sidewalk Slam!

COLE
Ride of Sleipnir!

Odin raises Krista up so that he may once again throw her into the ropes. She ducks his raised boot, and springboards back to floor him with an elbow!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Both competitors roll to their feet, but its Odin who amazingly strikes first with an uppercut to Krista’s throat. At this point Jack enters the ring, causing Odin to strike a defensive stance. However, Jack merely points at Krista and gruffly suggests they work together to eliminate her. Odin agrees to this surprising plan of Jack’s, and together they set her onto the top rope.

COACH
Odin and Jack hate each other, I can’t believe they’re working together.

COLE
Its very important to get the world champion out of this matchup.

Jack and Odin climb to the top turnbuckle to hook Krista into a front facelock. Within seconds they throw Krista backwards with a double superplex! Krista cries out from the agony the double team has left her with.

COLE
That’s got to be it!

Odin watches on as Jack hooks Krista’s leg for the fall…

ONE!



TWO!




KICKOUT!


“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the San Diego crowd cheers, while Krista rolls beneath the ropes and out the ring.

Jack and Odin decide to leave Krista be for now and focus their attention on the competitors on the outside. After exiting the ring, they grab Colin by the seat of his hunter green tights and throw him into the steel guardrail.

COACH
I still can’t believe these guys are doing business with each other. Just three months ago they were trying kill each other. Odin showed up at Jack’s house in the Everglades and Jack pulled a rifle on him.

Jack and Odin gather up Alexander and push him inside the squared circle. Upon following him in, the two men wait for him to rise, and then roll through him with a pair of boots. This time its Odin who goes for the cover…

ONE!


Not even a two count!

Odin pumps Alexander with stomps, before going for another pin…

ONE!



TWO!



No!


A frustrated Odin throws Alexander into the corner. With his permission, he sends Jack in after Alexander. Jack lowers his shoulder and slams it into Alexander’s midsection. The Greek superstar staggers out from the corner, before being sent into the next one. Odin and Jack retry the same technique, only for Alexander to explode forward with a lariat on Jack! But, Odin puts him down with a lariat of his own much to Megan’s horror.

COLE
As we’ve stated before no man in this contest has ever had an OAOAST World Title shot. Do you think nerves are playing a factor for anyone?

COACH
I don’t know. Alexander is an iceman, Jack is a crazy killer, Colin has big match experience with The Enterprise, and Odin is a god. I don’t think anyone is nervous to be honest.

Jack breaks the partnership with Odin by decking him with a straight left hand!

COACH
I knew those two couldn’t get along.

Odin comes upright, walking himself into a Cutthroat Kneelift from the Floridian. Jack looks at Odin with a sinister glare as the Asgardian struggles to get to his feet. The twenty two year veteran grabs Odin into a standing head scissors, readying him for the Country Strong Piledriver. However, Odin uses his strength to counter by backdropping Jack to the ground!

COLE
Odin may have saved himself from elimination, because that Country Strong Piledriver is as deadly as they come.

Jack gets to his feet, looking upset after failing to hit his finisher. However, his situation grows even worse when Odin clamps his hand around his throat.

COACH
DA BASED GAWD GONNA DO IT!

Jack manages to successfully pry Odin’s hands off his throat. From there he captures the stunned God into a standing head scissors and executes the Country Strong Piledriver! However, he can’t pin Odin due to Alexander trying to drag him into a crossface! Jack rolls free, forcing both he and Alexander to get to their feet. Alexander is quickly attacked by a KIDology from Krista, but succeeds in shoving her away. Jack charges her with a lariat, only to see her duck and cause him to connect with Alexander instead. Not caring one bit about Alexander, Jack turns around to be hit with a KIDology!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
Good-bye, Badass Jack!

Krista grabs hold of Jack’s legs and Hebner makes the pin count…

CROWD
ONE!

CROWD
TWO!


CROWD
THREE!!

BUFFER
Badass Jack has been ELIMINATED!

COACH
Twenty-two years the man has waited for this moment and its gone just like that! He gonna tear that locker room up!

While the crowd is still cheering Jack’s elimination, CMJ pounces upon Krista.

COLE
Old rivals in Colin Maguire Junior and Krista Isadora Duncan hooking up with only four people remaining in this contest.

CMJ picks Krista up, and swiftly nails her with a Celtic Frost Suplex!

COACH
How proud would Mister Moneymaker be if Colin could bring the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship back to The Enterprise?

COLE
He’d probably make Colin give him the first title shot, and then force him to lie down to a finger poke.

CMJ lays across Krista for the cover…

ONE!



TWO!




THREE!



NO! ONLY A TWO COUNT!

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

CMJ gathers Krista up and sends her into the ropes. Unfortunately for him she comes flying back with a high flip lariat! The Harvard grad rolls upright, only for Krista to slam him into position. The crowd gets to their feet, ready to see what they love most about Krista’s matches.

KRISTA
Alright, you’ve got ten seconds to get and do whatever you need for this. Get your baby oil, your tissue, lock the door, lower the lights, and get your hands and fingers into position, because Mama Duncan’s kitchen is open and its serving the ass!



“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Krista flips backwards, but CMJ rolls out the way! Luckily for Krista she’s able to make an ultra fast course correction and land on her feet. Colin swings at her with a wild haymaker, only for Krista to duck and put him down with an inverted DDT! Next, she drags CMJ to the corner, preparing for her split legged corkscrew moonsault. But before she can do anything of the sort, she’s faced with Badass Jack charging into the ring with a chair.

COACH
Badass Jack is back in the ring, Mikey, and he’s after Krista!

Jack swings wildly with the chair, looking to smash Krista’s face in. Krista counters by stepping away from the blow, and then booting Jack in the stomach. The native of the Everglades drops the chair, allowing Krista to DDT him onto it! While Jack is dealt with for the moment, CMJ is far from subdued. In fact when Krista turns around CMJ hits her with a Harvardplex!

COACH
Colin, my nigga!

CMJ hurriedly dives atop Krista for a pincover…

ONE!



TWO!




THREE!

BUFFER
Krista Isadora Duncan has been ELIMINATED!

The crowd is irate and it takes all their self restraint to keep from littering the ring with debris and garbage. CMJ on the other hand is overjoyed and punches the air in delight.

COLE
I don’t believe it, but Krista has been eliminated! We’re going to have a new world champion!

“BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!” the outraged San Diego fans sing.

COACH
The odds never favoured Krista in the first place, but Badass Jack made sure that Krista wasn’t going to walk out of here with that title!

Badass Jack joins with CMJ in stomping an injured and wounded Krista. Hebner attempts to divert CMJ’s attention, as Jack continues to seek revenge for his elimination.

COLE
Come on, you’ve already helped to cost her the title, Jack!

Several OAOAST Officials finally force Jack away from Krista. The surly shitkicker stomps up the ring ramp with a frown on his face, as the officials attend to Krista.

COLE
Krista Isadora Duncan is no longer the OAOAST World Champion and that is simply amazing.

CMJ continues to gloat over his part in eliminating Krista. This is a severe error as Alexander quickly drags him down with a crossface!

COLE
Now Colin’s in trouble!

CMJ screams out in misery as the agony of the hold sets in!

“TAP! TAP! TAP!”

The Boston native refuses to submit, trying to inch his way to the ropes.

COACH
Don’t tap, Colin, you’re so close to winning the title!

CMJ’s face is contorted by the pain of the submission. He extends his hand for the ropes, but isn’t anywhere near them. As such he has no other choice but to submit to the crossface!

BUFFER
Colin Maguire Junior has been ELIMINATED!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
Colin is gone! His first world title shot has been ended by Alexander The Brutal after he made the stunning elimination of the world champion.

Amidst all the cheers and delight of the audience, a smiling Odin slips into the ring.

COLE
There are the final two, Odin and Alexander The Brutal. Who will walk out of San Diego the new OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion?

Odin raises his arm as he patiently waits for Alexander to turn around. Once The Greek does, Odin slams on the setup for the chokeslam. He raises Alexander up and throws him down with the deathly hold!

COACH
New champion, Cole! New champion!

Hebner gets into position to score the pinfall…

ONE!



TWO!



THREE!


NO! ALEXANDER KICKSOUT!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Odin is furious, fuming over the failed pin count. He yells at the referee and unleashes all his rage upon him. This becomes a problem as it takes his eyes off Alexander and allows the European superstar to try and drag him down with a crossface! Odin narrowly manages to avoid the attack, by rolling through the hold. Both men spring to their feet, with Odin taking hold of Alexander’s neck. Moments later, Odin is hurling him to the canvas with the most powerful chokeslam yet!

COACH
He got it!

Odin leans across Alexander’s body for the cover…

ONE!



TWO!




THREE!



DING DING DING

BUFFER
Your winner and NEW OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion…..ODIN!

Odin lifts his body off Alexander to reveal a massive self-satisfied smile resting upon his face. He’s a man who realizes the greatness of his achivement.

COACH
DA BASED GAWD~! DA BASED GAWD~! DA BASED GAWD~!

The crowd doesn’t believe what they’ve got just seen. When they finally come to grips with what has happened, their hatred is expressed in loud and bold ways. Odin doesn’t much care what they think or feel. Rather he remains smiling over his grandiose triumph.

COLE
On his very first try, Odin has become a world champion!

COACH
He outlasted five other superstars, including a twenty-two year veteran, and the world champion. DA BASED GAWD is incredible!

Odin takes the belt into his hand, and raises it high into the air. As he roars in celebration bright white pyro explodes around the rafters.

COLE
With his world title victory has Odin finally taken control of the OAOAST Galaxy? God save our OAOAST Souls!

A proud and smug Odin continues to hold his newly won title in the air as we…

FADE OUT