Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 -OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES- -TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK- -THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-BROADCAST IN OAOAST 3D Our view is on Sofa Central with Michael Cole and Da Coach sitting by to call the night's action. COLE Welcome to Houston, welcome to OAOAST HeldDOWN~!TONIGHTCPA VS ALIX MARIA SPEZIATONIGHTTONIGHT'S MAINEVENT STEEL CAGE MATCHLEON RODEZ VS NED BLANCHARDTONIGHT COLE I'm Michael Cole with Da Coach. And, Coach, how about that mainevent? No where to run and no where to hide for Leon Rodez. COACH You act is if Leon Rodez has a history of running and hiding. COLE He does! "Parade Of The Charioteers" suddenly blares through the arena, as self-professed "King" Landon Maddix and permanently delusioned Queen Esther forcefully start the show as the centres of attention! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome QUEEN ESTHER and "KING" LANDON MMAAAAADDIIIIIXXXXXXX!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Landon leads Esther to the ring, the Queen looking even less aware of her surroundings than usual and vaguely troubled by something. She has to be helped up the steps by Landon, who doesn't wait for her to hold the ropes open and instead guides his Queen safely through the ropes. COLE Looks like the supposed royal couple of the OAOAST have something to say, presumably regarding what happened last week in our World Championship main event. COACH I've got a lot I wanna say about that match. Particularly the ending. Can we get a replay of that real quick? COLE No. We've got to hear Landon talk instead. COACH Oh. I love Landon, but that's some straight-up bullcrap. "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" Landon shields Esther's ears against the abuse. KING LANDON Please. Show some respect. "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" KING LANDON I said show some respect!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" KING LANDON Before I say what I need to say tonight, I hope you'll all understand that my Queen is feeling less than 100% here tonight. She had a very traumatic experience last week. And we would really appreciate it if you were very quiet and very courteous. "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YO-" KING LANDON Alright alright, shout and holler like a bunch of drunken hillbillies, whatever, I don't care. There's just no reasoning with people nowadays! Last week, a travesty of justice occured. A crime. A robbery. Royal larceny! I was second away from regaining the crown jewel of the OAOAST, the World Heavyweight Championship. But before I could do so, I was rudely interrupted by...Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste I've been around for a long, long year Stole many a man's soul and faith And I was 'round when Jesus Christ Had his moment of doubt and pain Made damn sure that Pilate Washed his hands and sealed his fate By THEODORE MONEYMAKER, who chooses this time to do the exact same thing! The King throws his hands up in annoyance and complains even more about people's rudeness, as Moneymaker heads down to the ring. MONEYMAKER Lies. Lies and slander! You're making a very nasty habit of that, Landon. KING LANDON It's King Landon... MONEYMAKER No it's not, you fool! I am the King Of The Ring and you are just a delusioned imbecible with a rented crown and a robe straight out of a prop's department! And before you even start complaining about me 'costing you' the World Heavyweight Championship, I feel compelled to come out here and tell the real truth of this situation. For you to come out here and claim that you should be the OAOAST World Champion is ludicrous. Because, if it wasn't for you, I would be the World Champion! You cost me! What I did was merely payback. KING LANDON Payback!? MONEYMAKER Did I stutter? KING LANDON No no no, what I did was payback! Don't go bandwagonning off of me and saying we're even, what I did was payback for you costing me my match with Friberg! MONEYMAKER Only after you stole Christian from me! KING LANDON After you stole James from me! MONEYMAKER Well, that was merely payback for you infringing on my King Of The Ring reign. KING LANDON But that was because you took it from me while I wasn't here! MONEYMAKER No, tha...Give me those bright lights, long nights High rise, over time Give me them bright lights, long nights Party till the sun is rising High rise, over time Working till the moon is shining Hot guys, fly girls Never thought I'd say I feel on top of the world I feel on top of the world Hey "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Landon and Moneymaker's arguement is brought to a screeching halt as KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN, the actual World Champion, makes an appearance, looking annoyed with the two theoretical champions. KRISTA JADE! MAYA! STOP IT! I'm so sick of you two bickering all the time! MONEYMAKER Has your excess drinking finally sent you blind, woman!? We're not a pair of teenage girls. KRISTA Are you sure? Because all this whining sounds awfully familiar. "You started it!" "No, you started it!" "No, you started it!" Unless I'm just suffering an agonising out of body experience where I'm suffering flashbacks to my arduous soul crushing duties as a parent. No, that can't be it. And maybe my eyesight isn't what it used to be, but you're not fooling me Maya! That long blonde hair, the svelt feminine figure. What have I told you about trying on my robes, Maya? KING LANDON KRISTA Oh, no, wait. It's just you Landon. KING LANDON KRISTA Listen, I have a very easy solution for the two of you. Since you insist on acting like my teenage daughters and, in one case, having the same haircut, I will treat you like my teenage daughters. And I will tell you very calmly to quit complaining. And if you two can't play nice and share your little dress-up set, I'll take your costume away and neither of you will get to play King. Understand? Both Landon and Moneymaker sulk a little at the suggestion their title of King might be considered a bit silly. Not realising that, by sulking, they resemble teenage girls. KING LANDON Krista, you're absolutely right. KRISTA Excuse me? KING LANDON All this arguing is going to get us nowhere. My point was simply going to be that there should be no controversy. You know, I cost Moneymaker a match, he cost me one... we're even! Right? MONEYMAKER Hmmm. KING LANDON So, if you forgive me being so bold, I propose a simple solution. If you give me a rematch at the Halloween Spectacular, we can put this matter to rest. KRISTA Wel... MONEYMAKER You are so transparent you're practically invisible! Quit sucking up to her, you little worm! If anybody deserves a rematch at The Halloween Spectacular, it's me! You know it, I know it and Krista, in her infinite wisdom, knows it. KRISTA You kno... KING LANDON "Infinite wisdom"!? Now who's sucking up! MONEYMAKER Me and Krista are on an intellectual par and we understand each other. You are a fool who tries to act intelligent. You don't know how to deal with Krista. You don't have any clue how to handle a woman like her. KING LANDON I dispute a lot of that. KRISTA Listen, if you two don't shut the hell up right now I will find a hose and turn it on both of you. Because that usually works on Jade and Maya. Also because it would be amusing. The fact you even think flattery might work on me gives me reason to belief your brains have been mildly damaged. Perhaps my flashing you has made you delusional, irrational. Though, if the end result is you wanting another match with me, that's perfectly fine. Of all the punching bags in the OAOAST, you two are high on the list of most enjoyable and most easy to mock. So, I'll give you both a match at Halloween Spectacular if you like. It may teach you a valuable lesson in sharing. And a valuable lesson in not whining so loud you wake me up during my weekly "oh crap, the show has started, I need to find some way to shut down my entire body so as not to experience any of this directly" nap. MONEYMAKER Excellent. KING LANDON I agree. KRISTA Right. Good. I don't care what you think. MONEYMAKER Until then, my angel, stay as sweet as you are. KING LANDON Uhm, okay? MONEYMAKER I was talking to her, you fool! KRISTA Oh, this is going to be a lot of fun. Krista walks off, leaving Landon and Moneymaker to continue their bickering.COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 The arena goes dark as “God of Thunder” by KISS hits and Thunderkid emerges through a cloud of yellow smoke. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Green Bay, Wisconsin, weighing 250 pounds, he represents the Church of Abdullah….THUNDERKIIIIIDDDDDD!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" TK enters the squared circle and raises his arms. COLE TK may be the only CoA member in action this evening, but that won’t be the case Halloween night when the OAOAST presents the fifth annual Halloween Spectacular live on TSM and The Pit in Canada. Because on that night not only will you see Big Papa Thrust face Reject one on one, Abdullah Nerdly himself will compete as well. His opponent: Deuce Deuce Bigelow! COACH Abdullah isn’t a wrestler, Cole. COLE What do you mean Abdullah isn’t a wrestler? He’s trained and fully licensed. COACH In his previous life, sure. Now he’s a respected religious figure and music promoter. COLE He’s a con artist. COACH I’m sure Abdullah will say a prayer for you tonight. Hell, I might too. You’re an angry man. “I Know What Boys Like” by Glee Cast blasts through the speakers and the flaming luchador bumps and grinds down the pink and yellow lit aisle, to the embarrassment of the All-American Boys. BUFFER And his opponent, from Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, weighing 169 pounds… America’s favorite illegal… MMAAAAAARRRRIIIIIAAAAAACCHHHIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Mariachi seeks out a male hottie to give his sombrero, only for the AABs to point him towards a pretty all-American girl. COACH Wait a minute, Cole. Why are the All-American Boys ringside? They don’t have manager’s licenses. COLE Liberty and Freedom are his sponsors. COACH His what? COLE Haven’t you seen those ads on television about sponsoring poor child? COACH I can buy that Mariachi is poor, but he’s no child. Even though the All-American Boys treat him like one. Mariachi stomps his foot in the corner and encourages a chant of “MEXICO!” ALL-AMERICAN BOYS The AABs immediately grab Mariachi’s attention and suggest a more familiar chant. “U-S-A!” “U-S-A!” “U-S-A!” Liberty and Freedom shed tears of joy as the chant catches on. * DINGDINGDING * Mariachi and TK lockup and TK applies a side headlock, then uses his free hand to paintbrush the flaming luchador. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" TK scoops Mariachi into his arms and executes a fall away slam. NO! Mariachi lands like a cat, charges under a clothesline and surprises TK with a SPRINGBOARD ASAI MOONSAULT! The cover. ONE! KICKOUT! COLE Oh my! What an upset we nearly witnessed. Face-first into the buckle goes TK, who Mariachi hammers in the corner with rapid fire forearm shots. COACH I think the American way is starting to rub off on Mariachi. Look at him ignore the rules. Luckily for TK, he reverses a corner whip, only to run into a pair of boots in the face! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Mariachi handsprings out of the corner, back flips onto the shoulders of TK and rotates to deliver a HURRICARANA! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! Drilled by a dropkick that knocks him outside, TK returns to a vertical base and gets leveled by a SUICIDE DIVE! COLE Mariachi’s en fuego! Mariachi takes to the air again, soaring off the top rope to the outside, but he’s caught on the way down and TK rams him back-first into the RINGPOST! Again. And again. With Mariachi still in his arms, TK presses him overhead and dumps the flaming luchador over the top back inside the ring, where he’s hurled in the corner and brutalized with a series of European uppercuts. Then TK perfectly executes a fall away slam. The cover. ONE! TWO! No! TK decides he isn’t through yet. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The God of Thunder puts the boots to Mariachi and then plants him with a GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB! COLE That’s gonna do it right there. The count. ONE! TWO! THR-- NO! TK again decides to break the pin. COLE Come on, you have the man beat, damn it! TK hurls insults at the All-American Boys, both of whom are irate over what‘s occurred, as he sets Mariachi for his brain buster finisher. COACH Watch out for the Thunderbolt, baby boy. TK lifts Mariachi into the air, only for the flaming luchador to float over the top and SCHOOL BOY him! ONE! TWO! THREE!!! * DINGDINGDING * THUNDERKID COLE Oh my! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, unbelievably, the winner of the match… MMAAAAAARRRRIIIIIAAAAAACCHHHIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" COACH I’m still in shock, Cole. Mariachi scored. A huge upset that is. Before the All-American Boys can join their illegal amigo in the ring to celebrate, they’re SHOVED into the RINGPOST by THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS! COLE Damn them! They’ve got no business out here. Meanwhile, as Mariachi’s hand is raised in victory, he gets obliterated by a clothesline courtesy of TK. * DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING * The bell sounds as TK and THR do a number on Mariachi and the AABs, but it does little to restore order. Thankfully OAOAST officials quickly swarm the ring to put an end to the carnage, though the damage has been done. THUNDERKID & THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS COLE That’s sickening. Those men have nothing to be proud of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 Out in the hallways we find numerous fans lined up at one of the merchandise stands. At the front stands a young man with a J-MAX mask. Why a grown man would buy a mask, is up for speculation but that speculation is best left for another day as JO-JO Whoa approaches him. Over his shoulders are the straps of a backpack. JO-JO What up, what up, what up?! MAN Hey, you’re Jo-Jo Whoa! JO-JO The one, the only, the magnificent Jo-Jo Whoa. Feeling fine, and looking even better! What do ya got there, buddy? MAN This? It’s a J-MAX mask. JO-JO A J-MAX what? A mask? Psh, get that weak shit outta here! Why do you have that? MAN J-MAX is awesome. JO-JO You think so? What makes him awesome? MAN His moves are incredible! The things he does defy the laws of gravity! JO-JO Pump your brakes, buddy. Can he fly through the air like a certain rookie from Montreal, Quebec, Canada? Can he perform the greatest stunts ever seen in a wrestling like the Whoa can? Can he roll like me? Can he play like me? Can he style like me? And can he look as good as me? MAN I don’t know… JO-JO But, I think you do know! And I think you know the A’s to all my Q’s is an N and an O. No! Go ahead and put that mask back mister merchandise dude, I’ve got something even better for this fine gentleman. Jo-Jo digs into his backpack, pulling out a stuffed monkey with a Jo-Jo Whoa t-shirt. JO-JO The Jo-Jo Monkey, the official mascot of Jo-Jo Whoa, the premier high flyer in the OAOAST! MAN Awesome! JO-JO Tell all of you what, if you give me your names and address, I’ll send you all Jo-Jo Monkeys! “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” JO-JO WHOA~!COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 COLE Big news to bring you about next week's edition of HeldDOWN, which will come to you from Salt Lake City... COACH Whoa whoa. Aren't we doing a show right now? Why are we talking about what's happening next week? COLE Well, sometimes it's good to build to stuff. COACH ...but people are watching us right now. COLE Look, just... just let me finish and we'll get to more action in a second. COACH Alright, but while you're talking about next week, I'm gonna go ahead and finish my Sudoku playa. COLE Whatever shuts you up. Next week! We'll be in Salt Lake City and it'll be the start of a four team, single elimination tournament to crown our first ever Women's Tag Team Championships! That's right, Women's Tag Team Titles, here in the OAOAST. Invitations were sent out to the female competitors of the OAOAST to find a teammate and enter the tournament, four teams have been given the opportunity to compete to crown our first champions. And the semi final round will see Holly and Lorelei DeCenzo taking on Megan Skye and the newcomer Sunshine Yukino from Japan in one match. And in the other, a battle of sister teams, as the Duncan sisters, or half-sisters if you prefer, Jade and Maya, take on two of the Nerdly sisters, Melody and Molly. That all kicks off next week, with the final and our first champions crowned the week after. COACH You done? COLE Yep. COACH Cool. Time for some action? COLE Right now, let's send it back to Terry Taylor! COACH Oh for crying out... lemme grab my pencil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 OAOAST HeldDOWN Is Brought To You ByHALLOWEEN SPECTACULAR-LIVE OCTOBER 31st ON TSM & THE PIT The fans are on their feet, waiting for the next match here on HeldDOWN~!, and that's when "Oh No" starts playing. COLE A rematch of two of the most talented, determined men on our roster. The history between Todd Cortez and Zack Malibu goes back five years, and tonight another chapter will be written. COACH This chapter's gonna be the same as the last chapter, Mikey Cole. Malibu, as usual, is in over his head. Tonight, my man Cortez is gonna drop him on his head with the Riot Act Plus one more time, and Malibu ain't gonna be able to stand in the way of Cortez and Jason Silver rising to the top! COLE Win or lose, Coach, I don't think Cortez is in this for the same reasons as Jason Silver. The past few weeks have shown that they're not exactly on the same page anymore. COACH That's just what they want you to think. Smarten up! Cortez storms to the ring, not playing to the crowd but also not taunting them as he's known to do. It's a very stoic, reserved Urban Legend who walks down the aisle, and though he looks out to the crowd from atop the ring apron, he simply enters the ring as Michael Buffer introduces him. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Entering the ring at this time, he hails from "The Streets", and weighs in at two hundred, twenty six pounds...the URBAN LEGEND, TODDDDDD CORRRRRTEZZZZZ! Cortez throws his arms up, and then takes off his trademark bulletproof vest. He circles the ring and starts warming up, prepping himself for another encounter with the OAOAST Franchise. "Getting Away With Murder" hits, and the crowd goes wild, the arena darkened so that ZACK MALIBU'S golden pyro can light the way for his trek to the ring! As the pyro shoots off, the Preppy One arrives on the scene, looking and pointing at the fans. COLE An OAOAST Original, and without a doubt the most popular star in history, and what a challenge he has in front of him tonight! COACH Man, Cole, sometimes you are such a suckup! COLE Coach, do you really wanna go...hey, hey wait! The arguing amongst the commentators is cut short, as they see something that Zack does not...the appearance of JASON SILVER! Clutching a steel chair, Silver sprints down ramp and NAILS Zack with the weapon! Malibu immediately falls, and Silver rears the chair back again, planting another shot across Zack's back! COLE What the hell is he doing!? COACH You mean what are THEY doing, Cole! What a glorious setup! COLE What are you talking about? COACH C'mon Cole, think! Cortez didn't want another match with Malibu, it was all bait to lure him out here for Silver to take care of him! Silver shouts at Malibu, kicking him while still clutching the chair. Zack rolls onto his back, groggy, and Silver uses the chair to choke him, jamming the edge of it into Zack's throat! Referees and officials come pouring out of the back to pull Silver away, but all of a sudden they're knocked aside by Cortez...WHO STARTS HAMMERING ON JASON SILVER! COLE Still think this was part of the plan, Coach? COACH I don't know what the hell's going on anymore! Officials separate the two, while others tend to Zack. Silver seems incredulous that Cortez would attack him, while Cortez is struggling to break from from his restraints. COLE Fans, we need to get things settled out here! It is bedlam here on HeldDOWN~!, but we'll be back right after this!COMMERCIAL We're back LIVE on HeldDOWN~!, and Zack Malibu is being helped to the back, while an angry Todd Cortez is storming around ringside. Finally, Cortez takes a microphone from Michael Buffer, and gets in the ring. CORTEZ Yo, Silver! Jason Silver! I'm callin' your punk ass out RIGHT NOW. No more games, no excuses, just get yo' ass out here so we can handle this man to man. Silver, who had been escorted to the back during the commercial break, comes back out. Still wearing street clothes, the former World Champion is booed mercilessly as he shows back up before the fans. Mouthing "what's your problem?" to Cortez as he walks to the ring, he doesn't seem to get why the Urban Legend is so unhappy. Silver grabs a mic as well, and moments later the two stars are face to face. SILVER First off, you should show a little more respect when addressing me. I am a former World Heavyweight Champion, and in case you forgot, I'm the guy who's been helping you win lately. CORTEZ Respect? I don't owe you respect, I don't owe you anything. I didn't ask for you to help me. You and me, we ain't go no ties anymore. You've been stickin' your nose in MY business. You got your grudges and your business, then you handle yours, but stop lettin' it spill into mine. SILVER Spill into yours? Are you that ungrateful? Where's your team spirit, Cortez? One year ago we were on top of the world. We lit this company on fire...LITERALLY! Now what, you're too good for me? You're not a man of your word? CORTEZ No, that's exactly what I am. I don't want to play these games anymore, man. No more politics, no more bitching, just action. It ain't about redemption. I did what I did and I gotta live with whatever blood is on my hands. That don't mean that I can't still make a name for myself on my own time, my own way. All you're doin' man, is draggin' me down. This ain't about you, this ain't about Malibu, this ain't about nothing except Todd Cortez becoming the World Heavyweight Champion one day, and I don't need you to back me up. I can handle myself. SILVER Oh, you can handle yourself? And you think that you're going to get the World Title? Why do you want it, so you can go hock it at a pawn shop and smoke or snort the profits away? Or do you just want to melt it down into a funky little gold chain like the rest of the street trash wears? Nothing more needs to be said, or can be said, as Cortez drops his mic and punches Silver in the face! Cortez tears Silver's shirt, pulling it up over his head, and continues to unload shot after shot until Silver manages to push him away and roll out of the ring, running to the crowd and hopping the guardrail! COLE All hell is breaking loose here tonight! Silver is irate, questioning Cortez's attack, while Todd picks up one of the dropped mics. CORTEZ I ain't no pawn in your game anymore, Silver. I don't care what you did to your uncle, I don't care what beef you've got with Malibu, but you best put that all aside, because now, you and I are gonna throw down. Matter of face, since you jumped my opponent tonight, that means I'm free, so why don't you get yo' ass back in here RIGHT NOW! The crowd roars, but Silver won't hop the rail, shaking his head no. CORTEZ You wanna be a punk ass bitch? Then you can be a punk ass bitch on your own time. Right now, you're mine! Cortez drops the mic and slides out of the ring, hopping the rail to go after Silver! Silver backs off, and then grabs a fan and shoves him at Cortez, causing enough of a distraction that Silver can hit a low kick! Silver then grabs a beer from another fan and throws it in Cortez's face, then slaps him hard before dumping him over the guardrail to ringside! COLE We don't have a referee, this is not an official match! COACH Match? This is a brawl, Mikey Cole! Silver stomps on Cortez at ringside, and now more refs and officials start coming out to break up the second unexpected incident involving these men, but this time Silver starts taking him out as they approach! A right hand for Charles Robinson! A clothesline for Rick Martel! Cortez starts to come up, and Silver hits a running kneelift to drop him back down. The former World Champion runs his hands through his hair, slicking it back, as the fans show their lack of appreciation in the form of boos. Silver throws Cortez back into the ring, and yanks Michael Buffer out of his chair, taking the steel chair into the ring with him! He looks to finish Cortez off, but suddenly, from the back, comes ZACK MALIBU, clutching a steel chair as well! Silver is shocked, and puts his chair up as a shield as Malibu comes out swinging, the sound of chairs smashing together echoing through the arena! Silver quickly drops his chair and bolts out of the ring again, running up to Sofa Central and hiding behind Michael Cole and Da Coach~! COLE What the...get away from me! COACH Yeah man, I don't want no chairs fyin' at my head! Malibu throws one of the chairs out of the ring, and it lands just short of the commentary table. He goes to check on Cortez, but still keeps an eye on Silver. MALIBU Jason Silver, you want to talk about people not getting their shot, well we're gonna change that. You're gonna get your shot at me, I'm gonna get my shot at you, and this man, Todd Cortez, is gonna get his shot at both of us. Halloween Spectacular, October 31st, we're going to have ourselves a THREE WAY DANCE and get this all out of our systems. Now you just have to decide if you're going to fight like a man, or run like a bitch! The crowd cheers Malibu's final statement, and he looks to Cortez, who nods in acceptance of the challenge. Silver protests it, shouting from behind Sofa Central, and the camera closes in on the reactions of all three men, with the fans going wild, as we fade out.COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT! The lights dim and the boos are plentiful in response to Nonpoint’s cover of “In The Air Tonight”. Stepping out from the backstage area, smoking the finest of cigars is CPA. The calm and collected grappler continues to puff on his cigar as he travels to the ring. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of twenty five minutes! Now making his way to the ring from Miami, Florida, he weighs in at two hundred eighty pounds he is….CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLLLLEEENNNNNNNNNN! COLE CPA of VICE set to take on Alix Maria Spezia, the sworn enemy of VICE’s employer, Odin. CPA is the man responsible for the fact that we’ll be seeing a Buried Alive match between Alix and The God Of War at Halloween Spectacular. SNOOP DOGGGreetings loved ones Lets take a journey KATY PERRYCalifornia girls We're unforgettable Daisy Dukes Bikinis on top Sun-kissed skin So hot Will melt your popsicle Oooooh Oh Oooooh California girls We're undeniable Fine, fresh, fierce We got it on lock West coast represent Now put your hands up Oooooh Oh Oooooh A huge neon lit bar that reads Alix’s in bright bold letters rolls onto the entrance stage. Serving up drinks and terrible advice you’d be a fool to a follow to her patrons is Alix Maria Spezia. Realizing she’s arrived at her destination, she tosses a kiss to the camera to lead super imposed red lips to pop up on screen. BUFFER And the opponent, from Los Angeles, California, she is a former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, THE HOLLYWOOD BAD GIRL…ALIX MARIA SPEZZZIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! COACH Mikey Cole, Alix snuck one over on DA BASED GAWD at On Top Of The World. He wasn’t prepared. COLE He had three weeks to prepare! COACH Anything can happen in a normal match, a fluke pin can occur at anytime. But in a Buried Alive match you’ve gotta beat your opponent so bad that you can dump them in a grave. Alix can’t do that to DA BASED GAWD, but he can do it to her. Alix heads to the corner, climbing to the top turnbuckle to flash the peace sign to her adoring fans. DING DING DING ALIX Yes! A black guy! CPA ALIX Its no secret that black dudes and I get along great. Check this story out, son, my dad’s in jail, right, he jaywalked or shot a cop maybe, I forget, anyway he gets into some serious trouble with the Black Guerilla Family, like he owes them a bunch of money, so they’re gonna have a stern talking to him or maybe they were gonna kill him, I forget that part to, anyway he says “Alix, baby, you gotta help me!” And so of course I’m gonna help my dad, right. So, I get the warden to set up a meeting with me and like three dudes from the BGF. So we meet in this conference room, right. And they say my dad owes them 250, but all I had on me was 350. I’m screwed! CPA ALIX But then I thought hey, hot Mexican woman, horny black guys? Duh! Let’s play Monopoly! CPA ALIX So we’re playing for hours and they’re kinda bored and I’m getting nauseous because my blood sugar is low. And the doctor says when that happens I should eat chocolate! And I’m like uh-oh what am I gonna do, I’m in the middle of this marathon Monopoly game!! So I asked everyone what I should do, and they said eat a chocolate bar. But there wasn’t any vending machine, so these dudes honorably offered to give me their chocolate bars! But, I thought maybe the other prisoners wanted their chocolate bars, but they assured me I should take them. And they told me what made their chocolate bars so great is that if I sucked on them long enough I’d get to taste the creamy filling! Cool! For some reason none of them had pockets, so they kept them stuffed in their pants. So they unzipped their pants and I snacked on each of their chocolate bars and these things were HUGE! Bigger than any snickers bar I’ve ever had! And even better they all had two nuts I could chew on to, and I love nuts! But the weird thing is after I sucked out the creamy filling on two of them they got really small. But the third one was still huge even after I got the creamy filling out! So, I called my mom in, she came with me and she LOVES chocolate bars, and she’s like “Honey, this is how you eat a chocolate bar” so she sucked on it but she couldn’t make it any smaller either! So she’s like “This is a two woman job!” So we both sucked on it and got more creamy filling out, and that made it smaller! So long story short they totally forgave my dad for all his debt. And they always call me to come to the prison to play Monopoly with them. Anyway, let’s fight! Not knowing what to do, CPA just stand there which allows Alix to start swatting him in the leg. This hobbles CPA, and Alix takes advantage of his poor state by hooking him inside a headlock. The hold only lasts but a few seconds before CPA shoves Alix into the ropes. The Hollywood Bad Girl bounces back and takes CPA down with a high flipping clothesline! The cover… ONE! CPA hurls Alix off him. ALIX Wheeeeeee! Again! Alix dives atop CPA for another pinfall… And CPA throws her off once more. ALIX Wheeeeeee! One more time! CPA No. I am not here for anybody’s amusement. I am a former professional boxer. I’ve trained with Lennox Lewis, David Tua, Mike Tyson- ALIX Let me cut you off right there, dude. Unless you’re going to tell me about the time you and Squidward thought Mister Krabs was a robot, and tied him up to interrogate him in the Krusty Krab I don’t really care what you have to say. CPA gets enraged by Alix’s comments and mistakening him for Spongebob and charges her with a lariat. Alix ducks the attack and springboards off the top rope with a moonsault. The former boxer ducks the descending lady, leading to what looks to be a horrible crash. But Alix lands on her snowboots to avoid sure disaster. Rather than effort any sort of reasonable offensive attack, she begins tickling CPA. Unsurprinsgly, CPA isn’t ticklish. ALIX C’mon on, dude, everyone is ticklish! CPA Not me. ALIX That’s what Krista says when I tickle her. Then she pulls out her gun and aims at me, and I’ve learned that for Krista pulling out her gun is sort of laughter in a way. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, I was kicking your butt! Alix slams a dropkick into CPA’s chest that backs him all the way into the corner. She darts in after him with a body splash. However, Odin’s right hand man surges forward to clothesline her out the air! With Alix seemingly knocked out, CPA goes for the cover… ONE! TWO! Alix brings her shoulder off the canvas! COLE There’s a lot to love about Alix. COACH Yeah, she’ll screw just about anybody! Even your ugly ass! COLE Ignored. But, Odin believes she’s in the way of him conquering the OAOAST Galaxy. Alix may be our last hope. CPA picks Alix up by her brown hair in order to shoot her into the ropes. When she comes back he raises his boot, seeking to cave her face in. Fortunately for the millions of people attracted to that face, Alix rolls beneath the attack. Using her great agility, she springs onto the top rope and then flies back with a cross body block that shoves CPA to the ground. The referee gets into position to count the resulting lateral press… ONE! TWO! CPA once more tosses Alix off his large body. ALIX Let me tell you another story about me and black people getting along swell! COACH Oh boy! ALIX So I’m at the auto shop right, and the mechanic dude, who’s black, says my gas tank is shot, and it’ll cost $3,000 to replace it, and I’ve got two quarters but I’m saving that for so some gumballs, so I call Krista, and she says “You’re the moron who filled it up with Kool-Aid because some hobo at the trainyard told you that was a wise idea!” And I’m like when has a hobo at a trainyard ever not been fountain of life wisdom? So I tell the mechanic, I can’t get it fixed, and he’s like maybe we can work out a deal. And I say what kinda deal? And he says he likes to teach people how to work stick shifts, and if he can give me a lesson he’ll fix the car for free. So he says first you have to feel the texture of the stick shift, and I say how do I do that? And he says the best way to do it is by tasting it. And thank god he had a practice stick shift stuffed right inside his pants. So he whips it out, and it looks awfully like those chocolate bars I had at the prison. So I licked it a couple of times and I guess that wasn’t good enough because he just grabbed my head and shoved the whole thing into my mouth! And I think he didn’t think I knew what I was doing, because he took it upon himself to just keep plunging it in and out of my mouth. I guess he thought all this was making me hungry, because he had two nuts attached to the stick shift that he put into my mouth for a little bit. How nice of him, right? But then he went back to ramming the stick shift into my mouth. I mean this thing was really stretching out my mouth and cheeks! But, I totally got a lot out of the lesson! Stunned by this second lurid tale, CPA is easily sucked into a small package… ONE! TWO! CPA manages to free himself from the pinfall! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the audience hisses, not merely because they wish Alix to win but because they see ODIN marching down the ring ramp. COACH DA BASED GAWD~! has arrived! ALIX Hi, Odin! How are ya? ODIN My state is no concern of your’s, witch! ALIX Hey, I’m not a witch. I’m actually trick or treating as Carbon monoxide for Halloween. Pretty high concept, huh? The distraction provided by Odin is enough for CPA to be able to pound Alix’s back with a clubbing forearm. Double over, she’s easily thrown backwards with a back suplex. Alix clutches her now aching back, as Odin smiles at the pain that’s been brought to her. He watches with pleasure as CPA’s loafers stomp the back of her head. “LET’S GO ALIX! LET’S GO ALIX! LET’S GO ALIX!” the fans chant. CPA pulls Alix upright, gathering her inside a front facelock. He drags her into the air, and swiftly falls backwards with a vertical suplex. COLE CPA’s offense isn’t the most “exciting” but is one of the most effective in hurting opponents. COACH That’s why Odin picked him to fight Alix. She ain’t even gonna make it to Halloween Spectacular. Alix gets to her feet under own power, and is quickly hit in the stomach with a punch by the former boxer. As she remains dazed, he bounces off the ropes to come back and level her with a lariat. A pinfall is then attempted… ONE! TWO! Alix brings her shoulder off the canvas, popping the audience! COLE If Odin thinks he’s going to dispense Alix easily then I believe he’s made a major error in judgement. After yanking Alix upright, he tosses her into the corner. She sags against the corner posts, left defenseless against the procession of punches CPA wings into her stomach. Upon stopping the body blows, CPA watches Alix stumble out the corner. He brings himself off the ropes, and once he nears her he lashes her with a lariat to the back! A pincover is made… ONE! TWO! No! Odin shoots the referee a furious glare as a result of the failed pin attempt. Letting Odin’s harsh stare do the complaining, CPA scoops Alix onto his shoulder. He runs around the ring, setting up for a running powerslam. Alix saves herself by slithering down his back mid-run. Before CPA can even react, Alix is dropkicking him in the back. CPA stumbles into the corner, which gives Alix the chance needed to smack him with a corner splash! CPA teeters backwards before being felled by a springboard dropkick by The Hollywood Bad Girl. COLE I think CPA liked it better when Alix was telling him about her sex life! COACH I think we all liked it better when Alix was telling him about her sex life! CPA starts to crawl off the canvas, violently urged on by Odin. His efforts to please his boss aren’t made any easier when Alix rams her tush directly into his face! This leaves CPA dazed and hurt. The Hollywood Bad Girl takes advantage of this by coming Straight Outta Compton with a springboard spear. Landing atop CPA, Alix decides to have her special brand of fun... ODIN Frustrated by CPA’s bootylicious ordeal, Odin escalates himself onto the apron in preparation to assault Alix. But the sexy Latina draws first blood by springing off the top rope and drop kicking him in the face! “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the sold out audience delights, as Odin topples to the ground. While Odin fumes on the outside, his right hand man manages to club Alix to her knees. ALIX This is the thanks I get for showing you some prime Mexican ass? You’ve done Latino/Black relations a great harm today, Christopher. In an effort to shut Alix up, CPA chucks her into the ropes. He runs the cables himself, and when their paths crisscross he nails her with a thunderous punch! COLE Gigaton Punch! COACH Alix is done, Mikey Cole! CPA believes this to be true and makes a rather lax cover on the former world champion… ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! ALIX WITH THE KICKOUT! “ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” Odin is once again given reason to devolve into a temper throwing lunatic, and does just that. COLE That punch could have knocked out the toughest of heavyweight fighters and Alix managed to kickout from it! Grabbing Alix by her brown hair, CPA brings her off the canvas. He drapes her over his shoulder in set up for the Dominator. Yet he gets no chance to execute his signature hold as Alix flips off his broad shoulders! After landing on her feet, she’s faced with a lunging lariat from the big man. She ducks the attack, and comes behind CPA to nail him with an inverted DDT! COLE CPA couldn’t finish Alix off with the Gigaton Punch and he couldn’t hit the Dominator. COACH When you’re as tough as CPA is you can use any big move to put someobody away. Alix jumps onto the third turnbuckle, and without wasting a second flips back at CPA with a moonsault. The former six man champion rolls out the way, forcing Alix to make a sudden landing on her snowboots. While he comes to his feet, she backs into the ropes. When she arrives at CPA’s location, he stuns both her and the audience with a front spinebuster! “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Odin chortles with glee as a cover is performed… ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! Odin’s merriment disappears the moment the referee holds up two fingers. He loudly admonishes the official for failing to enact a three count, and threatens the entire fanbase with great bodily harm for celebrating Alix’s survival. COLE I think Odin is worried he’s actually going to have face Alix in The Buried Alive Match at Halloween Spectacular. COACH Why would he be worried? The match was his idea. COLE The match was CPA’s idea, Odin just had to go along with it because he wants control of the OAOAST Galaxy. CPA watches Alix make an unsteady rise to her feet. Once she’s fully standing, he darts at her with a shoulder tackle. But, Alix counters with an enziguri that drops CPA to his knees. This is the perfect position for Alix to execute her sommersault neckbreaker finisher, and she does it brilliantly, spiking CPA’s head into the canvas! COLE Confessions Of a Kristaholic! Alix hooks onto CPA’s legs for the pinfall… CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! CROWD THREE! DING DING DING Any celebration Alix wishes to perform must occur outside the ring thanks to Odin diving into the squared circle. He makes a frantic lunge for Alix, but comes up short as the slippery babe slides to the outside. ALIX Na-na-na boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo! Odin’s mood goes beyond sour, and he yells and shouts at anyone within earshot. COLE Alix and Odin are all set to face each other at Halloween Spectacular in the OAOAST’s first ever Buried Alive Match!COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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