OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 7/15/2011

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

Real niggas don't do pre-show fireworks and the OAOAST is full of real niggas, so we go straight to Sofa Central.

COLE
We are sold out in Minneapolis, Minnesota on a night where we have our second match in the Ride Her Cup!

RIDER CUP MATCH 2
HOUSE OF PAIN CAGE MATCH
MISTER DICK VS BIG PAPA THRUST
TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT!!!

COLE
On a night where Odin steps into the ring once again and the Christ Air Express test their stuff against the Kingdom's heavy hitters! All that and more tonight!

*SREEECH*

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

COLE
I'm Michale Cole sitting beside Da Coach.

COACH
And here comes the champ!

Zico Chain’s “Where Would You Rather Be” joins with an outpouring of boos from the sold out audience in welcoming Bohemoth onto the stage. Clad in a leather vest, dark sunglasss and dark denim, he strides to the ring. A confident and satisfied look rests upon his face.

COLE
We’ll see Bohemoth defend his OAOAST World Title against Alix Maria Spezia at In Your Parents Basement: The Bohemoth Supremacy live from Toronto!

Upon entering the ring, Bo casually strolls around it. He takes in the boos with the same calm expression seen when he first entered. Finally a microphone is handed to him.

BOHEMOTH
Now this is how you start a show.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BOHEMOTH
This how you start MY show.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BOHEMOTH
I guess you haven’t come to grips with it yet, have you? You probably still think Krista is going to stroll out here any minute now and humiliate me and send me back down to the midcard. Get it through your thick skulls, Krista is done in the OAOAST! I put a stop to her reign of greatness with ten B-Trayals. They wouldn’t give me the throne, so I went and took out the queen and took it for myself. Now they have no choice but to anoint me as face of this company!

“OVERRATED! OVERRATED! OVERRATED!”

BOHEMOTH
When you walked into the arena tonight you probably saw a whole bunch of merchandise for sale. Tee-shirts, mugs, caps, bandanas. Guess who’s face was on most of that stuff? Mine! Because I rule the world now. I am master and commander, I am the chief, I am the head honcho, I am the face of this company and no one can take that away from me!

Bohemoth pauses to grin at the thought of him being the face of the company.

BOHEMOTH
But someone is going to try. Alix Maria Spezia is going to try and get revenge for her girlfriend, and at the same time unseat me as face of this company.  Alix, let me tell you something. I have toiled and slaved for over eight years in this business and seven years in the OAOAST. I have been a sidekick, and a lackey, and a stooge. There’s been pay per views where my name wasn’t even mentioned. Title shots have escaped me time and time again. But that was the old days. Those days are dead and gone. It’s a new day! It’s the day of Bohemoth! And you want to send me back to the dark ages of my career? I don’t think so! You’re in for a very rude awakening when you get in this ring with me. I didn’t become the face of this company because I have big biceps or because I can bench press an SUV. I became it because I am the most dominant entity this business has ever seen!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BOHEMOTH
Malibu, Rodez, Wright, Tha Puerto Rican, I’ve taken them all down. And I’ll do the same to you. You are nothing compared to me! I am bigger than you! I am stronger than you! I am meaner than you! And I have worked too hard to get my name in the spotlight for you to come in and take it all away from me. Its my time now, its always going to be my time! No one will ever unseat me! I’ll rule over this company until I get sick of it. And even after I retire, I’ll be remembered as the greatest superstar the OAOAST ever had.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

CUE:: Katy Perry-California Girls

SNOOP DOGG
Greetings loved ones
Lets take a journey

KATY PERRY
California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
Will melt your popsicle
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
West coast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

A huge cheer speeds from the stands as all eyes turn to entrance stage. Skipping out is Alix Maria Spezia, clad in a white and blue striped polo and destroyed jeans. Bo regards her with serious ire.

ALIX
You the top face of this company? That’s crazier than the time my Maya tried to tell me people who aren’t gay men can get aids. What craziness! To be the top face of this company, don’t ya, you know, have to be actually liked by someone? I swear a dude passing out David Duke pamphlets in Compton would be more popular than you! Political humor, baby! That’s what’s up! But, yo, reality talk from the realest Mexican on the blizzock, you’re not the face of this company because nobody likes you.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

ALIX
Nobody wants to see you get down and wrestle! And dudes come here to watch sweaty half naked guys grind and grope each other so ya know they ain’t got discriminating taste. And nobody wants to see you talk! Unless you’re talking about the humanoid shape shifting reptilians that have invaded every level of the federal government. In that case you’re freaking awesome, but you should be careful who you talk to that about because those reptile dudes have lasers! Anywho, you’re probably not talking about that, so chances are dudes are still hating you. So you, my dear sweet man, are hated on in the two big aspects of this fine sport we call hop scotch! Which reminds me of this one time, I was playing hop scotch and I was totally killing these kids at it, and then the teacher came by and told me to stop playing, and I was like why, and she’s like because you’re thirty four years old!

BOHEMOTH
This is wrestling not hop scotch!

ALIX
Oooooooooooooh. Well, yeah, you suck at that also, and no one likes anything you do.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

BOHEMOTH
These people will learn to love me! They won’t have a choice.

ALIX
Sure they do. They can love me!

BOHEMOTH
You?

ALIX
Sure! I’m hot, I’m spunky, I’m entertaining, I’m a communist, and I’m an amateur porn director. And, in the last two weeks since you’ve been champ, my merchandise is killing your’s in the sales department!

BOEHMOTH
That’s nothing but a lie.

ALIX
No lie, homie G, I speaks that real for all my gangstas in the struggle. I have the list of top selling items. “1.Big Wet Asses, 2. Anal Virgins, 3.True Interracial Whores.” Wait, this is the wrong list. Hold on a sec. (Alix pulls out a new list). Top five selling items in the last two weeks: 1.Alix Maria Spezia babydoll tank, 2.Mister Dick penis pump, 3.Alix Maria Spezia iphone cover, 4.Biffman Mask, 5. Alix Maria Spezia musical thong, it sings La Vie Bohime from Rent! But, see you aren’t anywhere on the list.

BOHEMOTH
That list is a lie! I know for a fact my protein bar is a top seller.

ALIX
Nope! They’re sending that to refugees in Somalia, and the refugees are sending them back talking about “Bohemoth? Man fuck that nigga I’d rather starve!”

BOHEMOTH


ALIX
Sooooooooo as a result the OAOAST has a whole bunch of useless crap. And that crap is called The Enterprise. But its also called Bohemoth’s merchandise.

Terry Taylor wheels a bin of Bohemoth merchandise onto the stage.

ALIX
So, obviously we proved you’re not the face of this company.  And none of this junk is gonna sell, I couldn’t even trade it for a crack rock. So we’ve gotta get rid of it somehow.  Your burning Krista’s stuff gave me a really good idea. I should set Russell Brand’s house on fire! But before I do that, I should show you what it feels like to have all your stuff ruined and burn this cheap junk!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

BOHEMOTH
You better think twice! I’m warning you!

Alix pulls out a lighter and much to Bo’s horror sets the bin alight! Bohemoth is stunned and aghast. But his suffering is minute in comparison to Terry Taylor, who’s arm catches on fire! Terry runs around, screaming in agony, while no one notices or cares that he’s on fire.

BOHEMOTH
Someone get out here and put out that fire! That’s my merchandise!  That is the merchandise of the face of this company!

ALIX
When you burnt Krista’s stuff, you said that would be the last any fan ever saw of her! Well, enjoy your world title while ya have it, because after In Your Parent’s Basement, you’ll never see it again!

Bohemoth is left to snarl and fume in the ring as we fade to commercial.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

In the interview lounge...


MAGGIE NERDLY is standing with….


BADASS JACK (minus the claws of course)

MAGGIE
What up ya’ll? “It” Girl On The Scene Maggie Nerdly, chilling in the lounge with one of the craziest dudes I’ve ever met, Badass Jack. Last time you were here you straight messed this place up! So can ya promises to keep chill?

BADASS JACK
No.

MAGGIE
Ooooookay. So, you’ve got this wild beef with Odin, The God Of War. And word on the streets is you’ve got a message for him. Why don’t ya go ahead and tell it to him now?

BADASS JACK
Bub, I want you to listen to me good. You started something you don’t have the balls to go through with when you attacked me. When you go after Badass Jack you better be ready to murder me, because I’m gonna keep coming after you until I leave you in a body bag. You can walk around these parts telling everyone you’re a god, setting of yer fancy pyro and what not but at the end of the day when you stand face to face with me, I’m gonna put the fear of the real god right into ya.

MAGGIE
Let’s talk about Alexander The Brutal. He’s got a major score to settle with you.

BADASS JACK
I ain’t running, and I ain’t hiding. Alexander, bub, if you wanna tango, I’m up for it anytime. But, you better know that you’re brutal in name alone, I’m brutal in name, action, and everything else on this earth. I live with an alligator and three dobermans, I’ve taken every thing this industry has had to throw at me, and I’ve come out meaner, nastier, and crazier than any bastard around. Think about that before you step to me.

MAGGIE
Cool. Alright, so Josh Matthews is hanging with Odin elsewhere backstage. Let’s throw it over to him.

In an area far away from Badass Jack and Maggie, Josh Matthews stands with…


ODIN

JOSH
Thanks, Maggie. Odin, you're wearing, well....normal people attire.

ODIN
I decided for the sake of relating to the mortal folk, I should adopt their custom of attire.

JOSH
Fair enough. What is your response to what Badass Jack just said?

ODIN
Let it be known from this day forward, that should Badass Jack put hand to my body I will hold it not crime nor sin to strike him dead.

JOSH
Strike him dead?

ODIN
It is indeed that serious. In fact it is beyond that serious. Before Great Angle Bash I instructed this fatheaded halfwit you call Badass Jack to make certain I would not fall in defeat to Alexander The Brutal. In exchange I promised him my aid in acquiring the six man titles for Hicks Over Dicks. The task presented to him was simple, but being an oaf he was unable to complete it in the manner I required, and Alexander holds a victory over me.

JOSH
Its just a DQ victory.

ODIN
It is enough to anger me! That is why I have attacked Badass Jack, and that is why his life will be in peril should he cross me again. I will show no mercy and spare no quarter in destroying him.

JOSH
What are your thoughts on Snot, your opponent for tonight?

ODIN
My thoughts are that you should inform his next of kin of his imminent demise, for combat with The God Of War often proves life threatening.

Odin strides away, heading to the ring for his match.

[Chanel #99]

Back at ringside a dirty and highly disgusting dumpster is wheeled onto as “Dirthouse” plays throughout the arena. Climbing out of the dumpster is Snot, the slightly more sane member of The Masked Mutants.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of fifteen minutes! Now making his way to the ring, from Trenton, New Jersey, he is SNOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT!

COLE
Snot the hard hitter of The Masked Mutants all set to go against the hard hitter of the heavens, Odin.

Snot chews on the turnbuckle posts as a light and healthy snack before the match begins.

No one man should have all that power
The clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours
Stop trippin’, I’m trippin’ off the power
‘Til then, f-ck that, the World’s ours

The Minneapolis fans get to their feet, but do so only to fill the venue with intense hatred in response to the hook version of Power. A wide stream of blue smoke falls from the ceiling, while entrance doors shred apart to reveal The God of War Odin. His bearded face is split by a wide smile as he warmly invites worship from the audience.

BUFFER
And the opponent, from Asgard, he is THE GOD OF WAR….OOODDDDIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN!

COLE
We heard comments from Odin and Badass Jack right before this match up and I have a feeling those two are going to put each other into the hospital when its all said and done.

Odin steps over the ring ropes to enter a ring that’s illuminated by a dark blue light. After coming to the ring’s center, he raises his arm to send white pyro exploding from each turnbuckle.

COACH
Badass Jack is a bad dude, and I give him his props for being a twenty two year veteran. He’s been wrestling longer than Maya or Oscar Friberg have been alive. But, dude needs to know his role, and get smart real fast. DA BASED GAWD is the realest nigga in the hood, and you don’t just go picking fights with that type of dude.

DING DING DING

Snot lets out a hearty roar that’s a prelude to him charging at Odin. The God Of War takes Snot’s approach in stride and casually cuts him down with a lariat. Snot rolls back to his feet and is hit in the throat with an uppercut. He falls back to the corner, where Odin effortlessly punts him in the face with his dark blue boot.

COLE
Odin has to know that somewhere Badass Jack is lying in wait, ready to strike.

COACH
DA BASED GAWD don’t need to worry, Coach is out here to help him out.

COLE
You’re going to go up against Badass Jack? A man who carries a hunting knife to the ring and lives with an alligator?

Odin pulls Snot to his feet and shoots him into the ropes. Snot ducks a clothesline attempt, but can’t avoid a raised boot that puts him on the ground. A pinfall is attempted…

ONE!



TWO!


Snot brings the shoulder off the canavs. He comes to his feet, only to be struck in the throat with an uppercut. Snot drops onto the top rope, weakened by the blow. Odin gives him no time to recover as he chokes him on the rope. Referee Charles Robinson makes a count on Odin’s questionable move…

“ONE!”


“TWO!”


“THREE!”


“FOUR!”


“FIVE”

Odin breaks the hold, albeit begrudgingly. He hooks Snot up for a back suplex, and then drops the dumpster dweller onto the canvas. Another pinfall is made…

ONE!



TWO!


Snot again finds his way out the pin. After stepping upright, he’s thrown under fire by a wave of punches from Odin. Weakening Snot with those strikes, The God of War takes off to the ropes. But when he comes back, he’s nailed in the midsection with a boot from Snot. The native of Trenton puts Odin into a bearhug then promptly slams him into the canvas!

COLE
A big time move by Snot! Let’s see if he can use that to his advantage and pull off a big upset.

Snot drops a series of four elbows onto Odin. This does little to harm the ruler of Asgard, who quickly gets to his feet. Snot meets his rise with a kick to the stomach, doubling him over. He then hooks his foe into a front facelock. But no move can be executed as Odin shoves him into the ropes. Snot rebounds and is upended with a powerslam! Robinson gets into position to count the pinfall…

ONE!



TWO!


No!


COLE
Only a two count there.

Snot is brought to his feet, and trapped inside a front facelock. Odin lifts him into the air, and then drops him backwards with a vertical suplex. Snot clutches his sore back, as Odin regards him with disgust. That disgust leads him to begin stomping at Snot’s head.

COLE
Look at Odin showing no respect for Snot.

COACH
Can you blame him? What’s there to respect about Snot?

COLE
I think there’s plenty to respect about anyone who has the guts to get into an OAOAST ring,

Odin slams Snot’s face into the corner posts. Giving his opponent no time to rest, Odin strikes him with an uppercut to the throat. Seconds after that blow lands, Odin stomps Snot in the stomach. Snot whimpers in agony, as he’s snapmared to the center of the ring. Odin bounces off the ropes, coming back to kick Snot in the face. Snot tries to roll away to attend to his wounds, but Odin traps him in a pinfall…

ONE!




TWO!



Kickout!

COACH
I’m getting nervous. Where is Badass Jack lurking? And what if he brings that hunting knife to the ring?

Snot comes upright under his own power. But he can do little more than that as a basic bodyslam puts him back on the ground. While Snot writhes in pain, Odin strides to the corner. He sends a buzz through the crowd by climbing to the top rope.

COACH
DA BASED GAWD ascends to the heavens!

As Snot rises, Odin flies off with is trademark top rope clothesline. But Snot runs beneath the attack, causing Odin to harmlessly sail past him. Odin pulls himself up in the corner, his back turned towards Snot. For that reason the Trenton native is able to him hit with a body splash. Snot attempts to continue the offense, by running the ropes. But when he returns, Odin drops him with a boot to the face!

COLE
Odin loves to throw that big boot. You really have to watch out for it if you’re in the ring with him.

Odin shoves Snot out the ring with his boot, as if to say the oddball isn’t worth competing with him. But Snot is resilient, and quickly returns to the ring apron. Odin attempts to pounce upon him, but Snot is ready for his arrival and drives him throat first into the top rope. Stunned, Odin staggers backwards. This gives Snot the opportunity needed to ascend to the top turnbuckle.

COACH
What’s this guy doing? He ain’t a high flyer!

COLE
Sometimes you have to mix up your method of attack if you want to be successful.

Snot leaps off the top with an axe handle smash. Unfortunately for him, upon landing is throat is caught by Odin.

COLE
Uh-oh!

Odin raises Snot into the air, and then slams him down with a violent chokelsam! The follow up pinfall is then counted…


ONE!



TWO!



THREE!


DING DING DING

There’s no time for celebration, and Buffer can’t even make his announcement, due to Badass Jack jumping Odin from behind.

COACH
Aww shit! Its on! I’m riding for DA BASED GAWD!

Coach slams down his headset and leaves Sofa Central.

COLE
Coach, are you out of your mind?

Coach leaps onto the ring apron, all set to challenge Badass Jack. But when Jack pulls out his hunting knife, Coach wets his pants!

COLE
We’ve seen a man catch on fire, and a grown man wet himself, all in one night. Only in the OAOAST.

Jack turns back to Odin, only to be rocked in the jaw by The God of War! Jack and Odin trade powerful blows, neither man able to fell the other. After numerous strikes are exchanged, security and backstage officials roll into the ring. They immediately come between Odin and Jack. This infuriates the two warriors, and they continue to make mad bids to attack each other.

COLE
Sweet heavens, we need a break, and Coach needs a change of diaper!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

And now, the OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK, presented by MARVEL STUDIOS' CAPTAIN AMERICA in theaters July 22!

MD rolls outside and grabs a bottle of AXE BODY SPRAY from under the ring, then reaches into his short shorts and whips out his PROTECTIVE CUP.  

COLE
What the heck?!

MD sprays the cup and cowers in the corner until BPT approaches. It’s right then he lunges forward to place the protective cup directly in the face of BPT.  

COACH
(sniffs, groans)
Did you let one out, Cole?

COLE
No! That odor is from whatever Mr. Dick sprayed on his cup.  My guess is ether.

Whatever the substance is, it knocks BPT out cold, allowing MD to retrieve the dildo from the pole… which he stuffs in the mouth of BPT before covering him with a pinkie!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

This has been the OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK, presented by MARVEL STUDIOS' CAPTAIN AMERICA in theaters July 22!

COLE
Before we go back to the ring for more action, our tremendous production crew uncovered disturbing footage showing just how well Mr. Dick planned last week’s despicable event.

We flashback to Kareem’s entrance where he applies Axe body spray and immediately is swarmed by a bevy of beauties. As they walk to the ring, one of the ladies plants a second bottle under the ring and rejoins the pack.

COACH
Damn, Cole, you’re really hitting the Hateraid hard. That was genius of Mr. Dick. Brains over brawn.

Backstage, BIG PAPA THRUST does pushups in preparation for his Ride Her Cup match. Meanwhile, our cameras film MR. DICK from the chest up as he grunts and groans to a familiar FLAPPING sound.

COLE
Is Mr. Dick--

COACH
Jacking himself up for round 2 of the Ride Her Cup? You damn right.

COLE
Big Papa Thrust vs. Mr. Dick inside the House of Pain live tonight on HeldDOWN~! Right now let's take things to OAOAST Original and legend Tony Brannigan!

[Chanel #99]

Stood atop the interview stage, Tony Brannigan is standing by.

BRANNIGAN
Ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight has... "asked" me to refer to him as YOUR King. Please welcome, THEODORE MONEYMAKER!


Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate


"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

A less than welcome reaction is waiting for Theodore Moneymaker, as the 2011 King Of The Ring makes his entrance. Moneymaker is all smiles in his crisp white suit, making his way up the steps. Behind him, in slightly more formal attire is Lorelei DeCenzo, who wears a sparkling TIARA on her head to match her red ballgown.

COACH
Wowza!

Moneymaker offers Tony a handshake, an uneccessary gesture but one Tony gives in to to keep Teddy happy.

BRANNIGAN
Alright Ted. Word is, you've got a big announcement you want to make here tonight. But, first of all, I've got a couple of questions I wanted to ask, if that's okay with you.

MONEYMAKER
Fire away, friend.

BRANNIGAN
Okay. First off, what's the deal with this 'coronation' of yours, as the King Of The Ring. Rumour is, you've had it put back another week. What's the deal?

MONEYMAKER
The deal is, Brannigan, when my coronation as the OAOAST's King Of The Ring happens, it's going to be the greatest event in the history of this company. It'll be something that all these peons out here will be talking about for decades! It's going to be a monumental moment and it needs to be just right. I've got a few more things to finalise. A couple more things to buy. And, besides all of that, I wouldn't want to waste my crowning moment on a town like Minneapolis.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

BRANNIGAN
What's wrong with Minneapolis?

MONEYMAKER
Don't get me started, this isn't a five hour show. What's your second question?

BRANNIGAN
Well, my second question is what you think of Landon Maddix's claims that he's going to continue calling himself the King?

Evidently not concerned, Moneymaker cackles.

MONEYMAKER
Lemme tell you something. I don't care what Landon Maddix wants to call himself. He can go ahead and call himself 'The King'. He can call himself 'royalty'. He can call himself 'The President' for all I care. The fact of the matter is, no matter what name he gives himself, it's not going to change what he really is. Which is nothing but a nickel n' dime, two-bit, pathetic failure, who will never, EVER be the leader of men that I am! I am a leader of an Enterprise and I am a leader of all of these people, whether they like it or not! And Landon Maddix is nothing but a Theodore Moneymaker wannabe.

BRANNIGAN
Alright. With that out of the way, what's this big announcement?

MONEYMAKER
It's funny you should ask. Because, this announcement has a lot to do with what I just said. This announcement has to do with me being a great leader. A great role-model. You see, I've heard a lot of people talking lately. A lot of gossip moungerers, like you, spreading rumours about The Enterprise falling on hard times.

BRANNIGAN
Well, you guys aren't exactly the tight-nit group you used to be, you have to admit that.

Moneymaker brushes it off with a smirk.

MONEYMAKER
That's where you're wrong, Brannigan. See, maybe that was true for a while. Maybe I lost control of a couple of issues. But, I've seen the error of my ways. And unlike Landon Maddix, I'm going to turn my team around and take us back to greatness! And I'm going to make my Enterprise stronger than it's ever been. I've spoken to my men and I've made it very clear. The reigns are back in my hands and I'm back in control. We are all pulling together again, for one goal. OAOAST domination. No more getting sidetracked by petty disputes, or by meddling women, or crooked management. I am the KING! And I will reign over the OAOAST with an iron fist! And with that in mind, I've worked tirelessly to figure out a way to make my Enterprise stronger. And I realised what we needed was some fresh blood. To bring new energy to our cause. And with that in mind, I've scoured the OAOAST to find a man who can make my Enterprise better... but, not only that, I've scoured the OAOAST for a man who I can make better! I've found someone in need of a leader. A man who's never had someone to guide them to greatness. A man who's never been associated with greatness! Until now. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, the newest member of The Enterprise... JAMES... BLONDE!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

BRANNIGAN
What!?

"Church Of Hot Addiction" hits and to the applause of both Moneymaker and Lorelei, JAMES BLONDE walks out. Wearing a brand new FUR COAT, Blonde makes his way onto the stage with a smirk on his face. Moneymaker offers him a handshake as well, but decides that's not enough and they HUG IT OUT!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

BRANNIGAN
You've gotta be kidding me with this.

MONEYMAKER
No kidding. James Blonde is the hottest free agent in the OAOAST and now, he's joined the winning team. Which means I'm going to turn him into a star. Isn't that right?

BLONDE
That's right, sir. I'm just proud to finally have a great boss who appreciates my talents.

MONEYMAKER
Exactly. What are you looking at me like that for, Brannigan?

BRANNIGAN
...nevermind. Ladies and gentlemen, Theodore Moneymaker and... the newest member of The Enterprise, James Blonde.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Moneymaker turns and raises Blonde's hand triumphantly, Blonde keen to tell everyone just how great Moneymaker is as he does so.

COLE
Boy oh boy. Could this show be anymore transparent?

COACH
What are you talking about?

COLE
What am I talking about? Do you seriously believe that Moneymaker hired Blonde on talent alone? You're telling me this has nothing to do with thumbing it in the nose of Landon Maddix? Blonde has been a mess since being kicked out of the Kingdom by his mentor, former mentor, Landon. And now, Moneymaker "just happens" to pick him up as an Enterprise member? This is a shot fired by Moneymaker at Maddix, if you ask me.

COACH
Well, maybe it is. So what? Landon didn't want JB no more, Moneymaker does. Everybody wins.

COLE
It's all a bit pathetic, if you ask me. Blonde is acting like he's on the rebound from getting dumped. And Moneymaker is happy to be a part of this public affection... okay, I creeped myself out. Let's go to a break.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

"Like The Angel" by Rise Against powers through the arena and out onto the stage rush the ever-popular MARV and MEL. The twins hit a leaping high-five, sending two pyrotechnic rockets, one orange and one blue, into the skies over them.

BUFFER
The following tag team contest is set for one fall! Introducing team number one. At a total combined weight of three hundred and seventy pounds... MARV and MEL, THE CCHHRRIIIIISSSSSSSSTT... AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRR... EEEEEXXXXXPPRRRRRREEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

MARV and MEL stand tall on the ringposts, appealing to the crowd, perhaps knowing they need all the support they can get tonight.

COLE
A big, BIG test for the brothers Nerdly here tonight.

"King Kong" by LA Symphonyhits and the intimidating dual presence of Faqu and Daisuke Motozaki march out.

BUFFER
And their opponents. Total combined weight, five hundred and fourty nine pounds... representing the CUCARACHA KINGDOM, the team of "THE SAMOAN WRECKING BALL" FFAAAQQUUUUUUUU... and DDAAAIIIIISSUUUKKEEEEE MMMOOOOTTOOOOZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAKKIIIIIIIIII!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

MARV and MEL watch on from the ring, with a palpable sense of unease. Daisuke and Faqu stomp up the steps and into the ring, staring at their opponents who try not to back down.

COLE
You know, maybe life isn't all bad for Landon Maddix. Sure, he's not the King Of The Ring anymore, he's under threat from the current King, Theodore Moneymaker and his Kingdom have been underperforming this year. But, at least he still has these two men, who since teaming up have done anything but underperform.

COACH
This is a straight up destruction crew. I wouldn't be messing with these dudes, even if I were Teddy.


*DINGDINGDING*

MARV wins/loses on rock, paper, scissors, depending on your point of view and gets to start. As soon as he turns around to start though, Faqu beats his chest and lets out a yell, before running right through MARV with a shoulder tackle!!

COACH
Whoa!

COLE
Faqu, not waiting around!

Grabbing MARV, Faqu takes him to the corner...


*SLAP*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and nails him with a chop! MARV clutches his chest in pain as he gets whipped across the ring and CRUSHED in the opposite corner with an ass first charge! In the corner, MEL cringes in pain.

COACH
I think he hit MARV so hard, MEL felt it!

COLE
Well they do have that twin thing going on. But, to be honest, I think I felt MARV's pain sitting over here!

Faqu brings MARV over and tags in Motozaki. Together, they whip MARV to the ropes... and then LAUNCH him into the air with a double press flapjack!!

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
MARV was up in the LIGHTS!

COACH
They shot him like a rocket! That's what I call Christ Air!

Motozaki pins MARV down...


1...



2...



NO!

Dragging him up, Motozaki clubs MARV in the chest with a forearm smash. MARV wobbles all the way back into the ropes which are the only things left holding him up. Another forearm blow knocks the wind out of MARV. Daisuke then whips him to the ropes and tries to put MARV up in the rafters again. But this time MARV manages to counter and hit a dropkick in mid-air, rocking Motozaki back a step or two!

COLE
There we go, nice counter move. MARV and MEL are going to have to hit and run here, keep these bigmen off balance.

MARV takes advantage of Motozaki's unsteady state, crawling through his legs to make the tag to MEL. Up top in a flash, MEL takes off with a missile dropkick! Again Motozaki is rocked back, but doesn't go down. Much to MEL's surprise.

COACH
Forget the hitting part, just run!

Not willing to give in MEL goes on the attack, targetting Motozaki's legs with some low kicks. Once he thinks he's got the Japanese star hobbled, MEL hits the ropes. He tries to knock Daisuke down with a crossbody, but gets CAUGHT! Motozaki gives him a bodyslam, as MARV comes off the top...


...and gets CAUGHT! MARV too is then bodyslammed, ONTO his brother!!

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
Dayyum!

COLE
Motozaki is just throwing the Nerdlys around at will, like they were toys!

Motozaki tags out. Which is good news bad news, since Faqu comes in to replace him. Faqu comes off the ropes and drops a headbutt to the prone MEL. Cover...


1...



2...



NO!

MEL is picked back up, only to be dropped immediately with another headbutt. Wild-eyed, Faqu looks around, calling out in his native tongue to a confused crowd. The Samoan then whips MEL to the ropes and knocks him down with an elbow.

FAQU
BALRAARHGAAAH!!!

Into the ropes, Faqu goes for the headbutt again... but this time there's nobody home!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

COACH
That didn't hurt him. Dude's got a head like a rock.

MEL is able to make the tag to MARV, who tries to take advantage with a dropkick. Faqu takes a step back, but no more. MARV tries again with another dropkick and Faqu starts to teeter this time! Given hope, MARV comes off the ropes looking for more momentum. Faqu takes a wild swipe at him, but MARV ducks underneath and comes back with a dropkick to the back, knocking Faqu forward and through the ropes to the floor!!

COLE
Took him down, sort of! Outside, at least.

Although Faqu lands on his feet, MARV is already on the move and goes over the top with a SOMERSAULT DIVE to take Faqu out!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
That got him! MARV and MEL taking the fight to their opponents and you've got to admire that!

MARV slides back in and takes a bit of a breather. Outside, Faqu picks himself up. Angry at being knocked over he climbs onto the apron, snorting and snarling. MARV meets him with a shoulder through the ropes though. MEL comes back into the ring to help out his twin, as the Christ Air Express set up a double suplex attempt to bring Faqu back inside. However, Motozaki puts a stop to that, clubbing them both from behind.

COACH
It's all well and good knocking one of these two down for a few seconds. But you're in there with two complete wrecking machines. And when it takes the two of you combined to combat one, that spells trouble to me.

As Motozaki hammers on the twins, they turn their attentions to the Japanese star and go after him with kicks. Outnumbered, Motozaki is slowed down by the shots to his legs. Suddenly, he charges forward... but the Express step aside and Motozaki ends up running into Faqu, knocking him to the floor! Motozaki curses to himself in Japanese, then turns around...



*CRACK!*

...and gets hit with a pair of Enziguris!!

COLE
Right to the back of the neck! MARV and MEL have an opening and they need to capitalise, right now!

With Motozaki dazed, MARV hits the ropes, passed off by MEL into a hurricanrana on Motozaki!!

"CHRIST - AIR!"
"CHRIST - AIR!"
"CHRIST - AIR!"
"CHRIST - AIR!"

Urged on by the crowd, MARV and MEL target Motozaki as he picks himself up in the corner. MEL runs at him and hits the flying corner clothesline, taking him out through the ropes to the apron. He hangs onto the top rope, waiting as MARV charges in. But Motozaki steps out of the corner and cuts MARV off with a LARIAT!!

COLE
OH!

Unaware of what happened to his brother, MEL skins the cat back in. But Motozaki is waiting. Brushing MEL's legs aside, Motozaki grabs MEL in a waistlock and CARRIES him off the ropes, into the centre of the ring for a GERMAN SUPLEX!!

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!


1...




2...




NO!!

Motozaki pulls MEL back up by the hair, not done with him. He whips MEL to the corner chest first, then hits a clothesline to the back of the head! MEL collapses against the bottom turnbuckle. Backing across the ring, Motozaki charges and slams into him with a running knee! Daisuke quickly steps aside, as Faqu then sizes him up...


FAQU
SAMOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!



...and DESTROYS MEL with the running BUTT smash!!!!

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

MEL lies motionless in the corner, checked on by the referee.

COACH
Somebody call the ambulance.

Staggering back in, MARV has presence of mind enough to duck a clothesline from Motozaki... but that just takes him into a THRUST KICK from Faqu!

COACH
Better make that two.

Able to pick his victim, Motozaki decides on MARV. He picks his groggy opponent up and lifts him up, with ease, into the Torture Rack! After a couple of wrenches on the hold, Motozaki passes the carcass over to Faqu, who delivers a Samoan Drop!!

COLE
We've seen this before! The total destruction, leading to one final incredible show of strength!

As called for, Motozaki finishes MARV off, with the DEADLIFT GERMAN SUPLEX!!!!


1...




2...




3!!!!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match... the team of DAISUKE MOTOZAKI and FFAAAAAAQQUUUUUUU!!!!!

Standing tall, Motozaki surveys the carnage around him as Faqu rants and raves at the cameras.

COLE
Impressive doesn't even begin to cover it. That was an imperious performance!

COACH
I mean, MARV and MEL... they tried. I'll give them that. But, they just didn't stand a chance. This is a force, a destructive force. And tell me, who in the hell's gonna stop these two?

COLE
I don't know if there's anyone in the OAOAST who can match up to this team, in terms of power, force, heavy hitting offence. Faqu and Motozaki are indeed a destructive force. And they're a force to be reckoned with right now.

Their work done, Motozaki and Faqu leave, leaving behind them a trail of destruction. Both Nerdlys are strewn out and immobile, victims of a beating from the OAOAST's hardest hitting tag team.

[Chanel #99]

Strolling backstage with sodas in hand are…


MAYA DUNCAN-BLANCHARD

and


MOLLY NERDLY

MAYA
Jade is so annoying! I get a team of agents, so all of a sudden she thinks she should get one to? If Hollywood wants a useless daughter of a politically active figure, they’ll call Bristol Palin. If they want a useful daughter of a politically active figure, they’ll call me. I have dinner with Diddy, and all of a sudden she thinks she should be pop quizzing him on who shot Biggie? Because what? She’s the women’s champion? Hey, I kicked the game winning home run in kickball against the 4th graders in elementary school field day, and no one named a state holiday after me!

MOLLY
I think she just wants attention.

MAYA
Yeah, well I’m sorry, but a spotlight is a small circle, only one person can fit in it. And that person is I!

The camera cuts to…


JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN

and…


MELODY NERDLY also walking backstage

JADE
I am tired of Maya, Melody!

MELODY
I know. You’ve only told me eighty gazillion times.

JADE
She works on my every last nerve. All this talk about the Maya Brand is driving me up the wall. All I hear at the dinner table is “The Maya Brand needs to be heavily featured in the back to school season, but done so in a mature way to capture the college market.” Or “The Maya Brand has to diversify itself to best set trends in today’s global marketplace.” Come on, who talks like that? At the dinner table at that?

Cut back to Maya and Morgan

MAYA
And then she’s whining to mom about me. Always complaining about my behavior, and calling me big–headed. And she tattle tales like a little five year old. If I’m out past curfew, the Crime Dog is dropping the dime to Sherriff Mom. If I charge something expensive to the credit card, look out for the sirens because Officer Jade is going to be on me.

MOLLY
It sounds like she’s trying to cut you down a notch or two.

Cut back to Jade and Melody.

JADE
Did you know they’re getting her a clothing line?

MELODY
Damn it, Jim, I’m a Doctor not a fashionista. No, I did not know that.

JADE
Its true! I’m the women’s champion. I’m a three time women’s champion. I should have a clothing line. And she’s working with Lauren Conrad, LC from The Hills. That should be me not her. What’s she ever done to deserve that? Pose half naked? I could do that if they offered me a chance. And why haven’t they offered me a chance? I’m a good looking girl. And that’s another thing, I’m tired of her calling me chubs. So what you can easily get into a size four? That doesn’t make me some pig!

Back to Maya and Molly.

MAYA
It all boils down to the fact that she’s jealous. I’m hot, she’s not. I’m in demand, and the only time she’s in demand is when the Pillsbury Doughboy needs a stunt double. And mom is all like you have to include her in your stuff. Well, why should I? If she wants some success, I’m sure she can go enter a county fair and get a blue ribbon as the prized heifer.

Back to Melody and Jade.

MELODY
I find the best course action when dealing with a troublesome sister is to rat on her to Mom.

JADE
Oh I do! But the Maya Brand is too good to listen to her own mother. The Maya Brand doesn’t have to follow house rules. The Maya Brand doesn’t need mothering, just the mother’s credit card. The Maya Brand’s ego can grow to the size of Texas. The Maya Brand-

Jade stops when she notices Maya and Molly approaching.

MELODY
Better bust out the camera so I have a cool fight to post on Youtube.

MAYA
Oh look who it is.

JADE
Funny, we were just talking about you.

MAYA
Melody, you understand growls and barks?

JADE
And Molly you can tolerate listening to non stop talk about the Maya brand?

MAYA
We were talking about you, and how much you suck.

JADE
I suck? I’m the women’s champion.

MAYA
Yeah, because I had them play my music to distract Lorelei.

JADE
I didn’t need your help, I could beat Lorelei all on my own.

MAYA
No you couldn’t. You couldn’t break cotton candy with a sledgehammer.

JADE


MAYA
You look like you wanna take a swing.

JADE
Maybe I do!

MELODY
Jade, don’t do that!

MAYA
No, please do. Please go ahead and swing!

JADE
I just might!

MAYA
I invite you to do it! I’m begging you take a swing at me!

JADE
I’m about to!

MOLLY
Maybe we ought to depart.

MAYA
No! We were here first. Just like I was in the Duncan family first. Then chubs comes along and thinks she’s one of us.

JADE
I am a Duncan!

MAYA
No you’re not. You’re some chubby nerd from some hillbilly aww shucks town in the Midwest that came out to Los Angeles on some hyuk-yuk Jed Clampett type stuff. All you need is a cowboy hat, Jed.
(singing)
Come and listen to a story about a woman named Jade, A poor mountaineer, barely kept her family fed, Then one day she was shootin at some food, And up through the ground came a bubblin crude. Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

JADE
How do you even know who Jed Clampett is? You’re like twelve.

MAYA
I’m eighteen and I’m well educated! Unlike you.

JADE
I am well educated!

MAYA
Ha! Tuition to my school cost more than the mud hut you crawled out of in Grand Rapids. How much did tuition to your school cost? What’s the rate for obedience school at Pet-Smart?

JADE
How dare you!

MELODY
This is getting outta hand. I don’t even have a Mystery Science Theatre quote to diffuse the situation.

MAYA
How dare I? How dare you even talk to me like you’re on my level. I’ll take a lambchop out your fat hand and whup you to the tune of “Grenade” by Bruno Mars. The life I’ve led and the things I’ve done are things you’ve only experienced in your sleep. Justin Timberlake was performing at my tenth birthday party, while you were puking on Chuckee from Chuck-E-Cheese’s at your’s.

JADE
You’re so full of yourself its ridiculous!

MAYA
Maybe, its because I’m awesome and hot.

JADE
If you’re so awesome and hot why have you never brought home a guy as hot as Spencer?

MAYA
Hahahaaah! You’re bringing that ape up? Whatever, your luck with men sucks.

JADE
It does not suck!

MAYA
You’ll never kiss a guy because scientific studies show when you open up your mouth it causes black holes!

MAYA
You don’t get promo time around here because when you last spoke for too long an avalanche of plaque fell off your gums and caused a tusnami in Thailand! You floss your teeth with a chainsaw. You and deodorant share the same chemistry as vampires and holy water!

JADE
Don’t make me hit you!

MELODY
Jade, let’s get out of here!

JADE
No! I’m going to hit her!

MAYA
That’s all you got? Little threats? I’m dropping bomb after bomb on you and you’ve got no comebacks! Just like you’ve got no chest!

MOLLY
Maya, please, let us leave.

JADE
I am not flat chested!

MAYA
They’re bowling for Columbine on your chest!

JADE
You know what I think of you? I think you’re a spoiled little obnoxious brat! I think that mom has handed you everything in your life. I think without mom you’d just be a normal everyday teenage girl, because you’re just living off her name. And you know what else I think? I think your dad doesn’t love you. No, I know he doesn’t love you, because how could anyone love someone who’s so immature, rude, self centered and ugly?

MAYA
My dad does love me!

JADE
Where was he at your eighteenth birthday party?

MAYA
He had to work!

JADE
Had to work? Half the OAOAST roster was there. So unless he was wrestling a boom stick in an empty arena match, he just didn’t want to come. Why? Because he doesn’t love you.

MELODY
Jade, that’s a terrible thing to say!

MAYA
You’re asking for it!

JADE
And you’re going to get it!

Jade tackles Maya to the ground, much to everyone’s immense surprise! Tangled up the two sister’s roll around on the ground. They claw at each other, trying to rip each other’s skin clear off their bones. Finally, Melody and Molly dive in to begin separating their friends. The problem is Melody comes up with Maya, and Molly comes with Jade. Both Duncan’s angrily shove the other Nerdly away.

MAYA
Hey don’t push my friend!

JADE
Don’t push mine!

Maya shoves a shocked Melody.

MAYA
I’ll push who I want!

Jade shoves Molly, surprising the art student who didn’t expect Jade to be so mean.

JADE
I’ll do the same!

Now its Maya who tackles Jade, and the fight begins anew! The Nerdly girls dive in once more. Luckily they each come up with their respective best friend this time. This doesn't actually do much good, as Jade and Maya kick at one another.

COACH
Ooooooh shit! Sister-sister cat fight, a nigga knew there was a reason he came to work!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return from break to an arena bathed in red, white and blue spotlights.

COLE
Ladies and gentlemen, two weeks ago we saw the All-American Boys take Mariachi under their wings.

COACH
Apparently they needed a good gardener.

COLE
Will you stop!

COACH
You’re just mad he turned down your kinky sex party.

COLE
It wasn’t a sex party, although everybody had a great time. Mariachi was just physically and emotionally exhausted from a trip the All-American Boys took him on while the OAOAST was down in San Antonio for the Great Angle Bash.

The All-American Boys and Mariachi enjoy a snow cone outside the Alamo on a hot summer day in SA.

LIBERTY
Though a great many men lost their lives in the battle of the Alamo, their fighting spirit ought to be an inspiration to you, Mariachi.

FREEDOM
The defenders of the Alamo fought to the very end despite being outnumbered/outmatched.

LIBERTY
Tough hombres they were. No dancing or pink outfits. Keep that in mind every time you compete in the ring.

MARIACHI
(in broken English)
But goal is to win match, yes? Mexico kick Alamo ass.

BYSTANDERS


MARIACHI


An angry mob of Texans rush the guys. Liberty and Freedom escape, but Mariachi isn’t so lucky. He finds himself up a pile in a scene right out of a cartoon. Thankfully the All-American Boys are able to restore order.

LIBERTY
Mariachi! Speak to me. Speak to me, my illegal amigo.

MARIACHI
I get laid?

FREEDOM
You get ass kicked. Can you remember anything at all?

MARIACHI
I-I remember… the Alamo.

Everybody stops to cheer and chant USA.

LIBERTY
You just learned a valuable lesson, amigo.

FREEDOM
Don’t mess with Texas and the U. S. of A.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, one half of D*LUX is for once without the other half on his proverbial hip. Tyler Bryant walks back from catering, carrying two cups of coffee. As he passes through the backstage area, leant up against a wall, Amberlyn Duncan suddenly perks up. Noticing Tyler go past, she hurriedly catches up with him, tapping him on the shoulder.

TYLER
HEY!

Tyler looks around nervously, expecting some sort of an ambush.

AMBERLYN
Jumpy! What's the matter?

TYLER
You... what do you want?

AMBERLYN
I dunno. To talk. Is that so weird? You know, we're sorta 'connected', if you think about it. Your friends are my friends, et cetera. Maybe we've got something in common you don't know about. How about we grab a coffee?

Amberlyn does just that, brazenly taking the coffee cup out of Tyler's hand and taking a sip.

TYLER
I...

AMBERLYN
Aww. You really do get tongue-tied. Maya was right. That's okay, let me do the talking. So... I was kinda watching last week. I don't know if you noticed.

TYLER
I noticed. That was... weird.

AMBERLYN
Well, I was impressed. Maya and Jade are always going on about how great you guys are and it's like blah blah blah, who cares, you know? Kids. But, seeing you... up close and personal... I found that very 'eye-opening'. Made me appreciate just what they've got in you. But, I'm not just interested in you for your wrestling ability.

Amberlyn taps Tyler playfully on the nose. Tyler, like a deer in the headlights, freezes.

TYLER
Uhm... okay?

Amberlyn giggles to herself.

AMBERLYN
Oh boy, am I really going to have to spell it out to you?

TYLER
No, I think it's... pretty obvious what you're after. It's just...

AMBERLYN
What? If it's about Pierce and James, forget about them. I'm only their manager to get on TV. I mean, I'm barely even a 'manager'. I don't know anything about wrestling strategy. I'm here to have fun. So, how about it?

Tyler thinks it over, something seemingly pulling at him in his head. But after some internal struggle, he manages to brush it off and walks off with Amberlyn. Leaving someone to go without their coffee.

COMING UP NEXT
RIDE HER CUP MATCH 2 HOUSE OF PAIN
MISTER DICK VS BIG PAPA THRUST
THE MAINEVENT IS NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Cue the dramatic lighting/music as the House of Pain cage lowers from the rafters.

* DING *

* DING *

* DING *

* DING *

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for round 2 of THE RIDE HER CUP! Tonight’s match will be contested inside the HOUSE OF PAIN! To win you must SHACKLE your opponent to the cage!

Are you ready?

Minneapolis, Minnesota, ARE... YOU... RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEADY!?!

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

BUFFER
Then for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home… LLLLLLLLLLET'S GET RRRRREEEEEAAAADDYYYYY TO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUMMMBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

“Motherfucker of the Year” blasts through the speakers and Mr. Dick receives a golden pyro shower.

BUFFER
Introducing first, the man up 1-0 in the Ride Her Cup… from San Antonio, Texas, weighing 238 pounds… “THE REAL AMERICAN PRICK”… MMMIIIIIIIIIIISSSSTTEEEERRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MD enters the cage and humps the steel fence.

COLE
Mr. Dick knows about penetrating vaginal walls, but there won’t be any penetrating the steel cage walls. It’s just going to be him and Big Papa Thrust inside the demonic House of Pain.

COACH
The ref’s only job is to declare a winner once a superstar is shackled.

“Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z hits and out steps the Big Bad Glutei Daddy.

BUFFER
And his opponent, weighing 276 pounds… BIG PAPPPAAAA THRUST!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BPT stops to flex the largest arms in the world before getting pounced on as he steps through the ropes.

* DINGDINGDING *

BPT reverses a whip but misses a clothesline, only to catch MD on the rebound and military press him up against the cage roof before spearing him face-first into the cage!

COACH
DAYUM~!

MD returns to his feet jelly-legged and sporting a crimson mask.

COLE
Not even a minute into the match and Mr. Dick is already busted open.

BPT targets the wound with his fist and then shoots the Real American Prick in for a corner clothesline.

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Following a series of chops, MD is once again introduced to the cage. He bounces off the fence and into a clothesline so forceful it makes him 360. BPT drops a big elbow and then proceeds to lay the verbal smack down on his foe. Meanwhile, Malaysia views the action backstage just like last week.

COACH
What do you think is going through her mind?

COLE
I have no idea. I’m not sure I want to either.

BPT attempts to press slam up against the cage again, but MD floats over the top and drives the Big Bad Glutei Daddy straight to the mat with PURE PENETRATION!

The cover.

No!

MD hangs his head after remembering pinfalls don’t count. Backstage, Malaysia cracks a devilish grin.

COACH
I think Malaysia’s enjoying this too much, Mikey Cole. She isn’t just watching Mr. Dick sweat a little, he’s bleeding profusely.

COLE
It’s like some twisted fantasy.

MD tries to shackle BPT to the cage only to be hip tossed. Face-first into the cage MD goes again, but he avoids a clothesline and BPT tastes steel for the first time.

COACH
Now’s your chance Dickey. Pounce on that ass.

MD does just that. He gnaws on the forehead of BPT and then wails away in hopes of cutting him open. Meanwhile, Malaysia rubs her face and thighs as we see MD stomp BPT on her monitor backstage.

COLE
That woman is sick.

COACH
She looks fine to me.

BPT eats turnbuckle and then a pair of right jabs before MD snap mares him out of the corner, shoots off the ropes and delivers a running yakuza kick to the face!

COLE
Mr. Dick with a Stiff Kick. Will that be enough to shackle Big Papa Thrust to the cage?

MD doesn’t believe so, as he whips BPT for a corner cross body… but BPT moves and MD hangs himself on the top rope! BPT quickly capitalizes with a TOP ROPE SAMOAN DROP!

COACH
Anytime Mr. Dick gains the momentum, Big Papa Thrust gets it right back.

BPT grinds MD’s face into the cage and then attempts a German suplex, but MD hangs onto the ropes and catches BPT with a back elbow. Immediately the Real American Prick looks to shackle BPT, who answers back with a knee to the gut and then sends MD SLIDING DOWN THE CAGE FENCE courtesy of a RELEASE OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

COLE
Mr. Dick is like a mouse trapped in a snake tank. He’s only delaying the inevitable the longer he fights.

BPT points the shackles and the OAOAST rises in unison.

COACH
Mr. Dick’s gonna need another miracle to avoid defeat.

Luckily for MD, KAREEM arrives ringside.

COLE
Get that man out of here. We don’t need a repeat of last week. Thank goodness for the cage.

BPT has MD up against the cage fence when he spots Kareem. The two exchange words until MD SPITS A WHITE SUBSTANCE IN THE EYES OF BPT!

COLE
What the heck was that?!

Blinded by whatever MD spat in his face, BPT walks into a discus punch…

COACH
MD with the FACIAL~!

…and then is shackled to the cage!

* DINGDINGDING *

COLE
Damn it!

BUFFER
Here is your winner… and now up 2-0 in the Ride Her Cup… MMMIIIIIIIIIIISSSSTTEEEERRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

A bloody mess, MD looks more like the loser than the winner. He’s assisted out of the cage by Kareem as “Motherfucker of the Year” blares in the background, but not before spitting a CONDOM at the feet of BPT.

COACH
Somebody upstairs must be a cocksucker, because we’ve witnessed yet another miracle.

COLE
Bologna. But I think I know what Mr. Dick spat in the face of Big Papa Thrust. Remember his unique pre-match routine earlier in the night?

COACH
No way.

COLE
Yes way. The discus punch wasn’t the only facial Big Papa Thrust received this evening.

COACH
Now Big Papa Thrust can get together with Baron Windels to share their stories.

COLE
This is no laughing matter. It’s disgusting. And now Big Papa Thrust finds himself facing elimination next week in what I understand will be a street fight.

COACH
Dare I say a CUM as you are street fight? *laughs*

COLE
Grow up! Folks, we'll see you next week live from Green Bay where ThunderKid will meet Pierce Duncan and the world champion Bohemoth and the number one contender Alix Maria Spezia will be in the house!

FADE OUT