Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 -OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES- -TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK- -THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT- COLE Welcome to Austin, Texas for OAOAST HeldDOWN~! Michael Cole with Da Coach here for a night that marks the start of a new era on two fronts. COACH Right you are Mitchell Cole! COLE That's not my name. COACH Right you are Micah Cole! COLE Ugh. Folks, tonight marks what should be a tyrannical reign of King Theodore Moneymaker who used the Spear of Longinus to slay Nathaniel Black at The Great Angle Bash. Tonight is also the start of Bohemoth's world championship run after he brutally destroyed Krista to claim the world title. We'll have an update on Krista's condition as well as the night goes on. But first lets start things off with a little in ring action!"Badass" by Saliva and Badass Jack storms the ring with his hunting knife. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from the Everglades, weighing 240 pounds… BAADASSSSS JAAAAAACK!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The ref asks Jack to surrender his knife and nearly gets decapitated. COACH Next time you ought to ask Jack to hand over his hunting knife, Cole. COLE No thank you. “Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody” hits and Deuce power walks to the ring. BUFFER And his opponent… from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing 390 pounds… DEUCE DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE BIGELOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" * DINGDINGDING * The bell sounds as Jack pounces on Deuce right off the bat. COLE The question of sportsmanship aside, B.A. Jack is smart to go on the offensive early. Endurance is not an issue for a big man like Deuce, so there’s no point trying to stretch the match. Jack works Deuce over in the corner with a BERSERKER BARRAGE of punches, but Deuce reverses a whip and delivers a HANDSPRING ELBOW! COACH What agility for a near 400 pound man, Mikey Cole. Jack staggers out of the corner and into a spinning wheel kick. The cover. ONE! KICKOUT! Following a series of forearms, Deuce executes a press slam and a big splash… but Jack gets the knees up! COLE That may have done as much damage to B.A. Jack as it did Deuce. All that weight just crashed down on his knees. COACH What’s with the B.A. stuff? It’s Bad Ass, Jack. *laughs) Deuce gets up close and personal with the sole of Jack’s boot, but he manages to block a slam and counter with one of his own. The Beast from Sin City points to the top rope and the OAOAST Galaxy rises in unison. As Deuce makes the climb, ABDULLAH NERDLY appears on the scene. COLE What does he want? Abdullah distracts the ref as QUIZ sneaks inside and delivers a BIG BOOT that KNOCKS DEUCE OFF THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! COACH DAYUM~! COLE Him! Quiz immediately exits, prompting Abdullah to drop his conversation with the ref who looks around confused upon spotting Deuce in a world of hurt outside. With no clear signs of wrongdoing he proceeds to count Deuce out. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER Here is your winner, as the result of a count out… BAADASSSSS JAAAAAACK!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" ABDULLAH COLE You can bet there will be hell to pay for what Abdullah Nerdly and Quiz's actions tonight. akorsetovne 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 At the back of the building, arriving late, we cut to Queen Esther and a well rested, well tanned, relaxed and smiling KING LANDON! COACH Hey! Coming to a stop, Landon looks around the backstage area and takes in a deep breath. KING LANDONAhh! It's so good to be back. QUEEN ESTHER You have been greatly missed. I expect a welcome party is waiting, right around this corner. ...no? Okay, maybe it is around the next corner. KING LANDON Ah, my Queen, I don't need a welcome party. The simple reverence of all my subjects, delighted to see me once again, will be more than enough. As the King and Queen start to walk through the arena again, they're interrupted as Terry Taylor runs up to them. TAYLOR Landon! Landon, I thought it was you! Where have you been? And what brings you back to HeldDOWN? KING LANDON Me? Oh, I've just been on a brief vacation. A well earned vacation, I might add. Nothing weird about that. No, I went back to Madrid for a little sabbatical, royal matters there to attend to, all confidential stuff. What matters is I'm now back and ready to lead my Kingdom back to the top of the OAOAST. Oh! Silly me, I must still be in holiday mode, I almost forgot. It's King Landon. TAYLOR Not anymore it's not. LANDON Uhm... what? TAYLOR Well, Theodore Moneymaker is the King Of The Ring now. So, that means he's King now. You should probably have handed over that robe you're wearing, come to think of it... Landon looks incredulously at Queen Esther, then back at Terry. LANDON Hold on, hold on. What you mean Theodore Moneymaker is the King now? I'm the King! I'm King Landon! TAYLOR You mean you didn't hear? This year's tournament was last month, it finished on Sunday. Moneymaker won. He's the King now. QUEEN ESTHER ...*GASP!* That's what that was!? LANDON You mean, you didn't know either? Neither of us were informed!? Looking shocked, Landon looks around and suddenly takes off, marching off at hot speed, with Queen Esther scuttling to keep up. COLE Oh man. Not exactly the welcome back party Landon would have been expecting, I don't think!COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 Devil Without A Cause by Kid Rock plays to absolutely no one’s delight as red smoke fills the entry way. Emerging from the backstage area, shuffling a deck of cards is Remy Bazil. The Cajun superstar winks at the camera before heading down to the ring. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of fifteen minutes! Now making his way to the ring from New Orleans, Lousiana, he is THE CAJUN SENSATION….REEMMMMMYYYY BAAAAAZZZILLLL! COLE Remy Bazil a hungry young rookie, who made his debut only two months ago faces a rookie who made his debut only three months ago in Oscar Friberg. Remy removes his trenchcoat and top hat, allowing the referee to pat him down for any illegal objects. After that he grabs hold of a microphone. REMY Greetings! Today someone asked me if I was worried about Oscar Friberg. I said alors pas! I ain’t afraid of nobody, no way no how. I done guarantee ya’ll a Remy Bazil victory over the Jailbird Oscar Friberg. And that’s a guarantee ya’ll can take to the bank.All I Got by Natasha Bedingdfield speeds into the arena, causing all eyes to begin searching for The Freebird. They find him positioned on a stair well in the Mezzanine level with a raven resting on his shoulder. BUFFER And the opponent from Amsterdam, Netherlands, he is THE FREEBIRD…..OSCAR FRRIIIIIBBBEEEEEEEERRRGGGGGGG! Oscar makes his way down the stairs, nodding to the approving audience as he does so. After situating his raven with the Spanish announce team, he removes his white tank top to the ladies’ delight. COLE You’ve got to love this kid. He did some bad in his life and he’s come to the OAOAST to turn things around. DING DING DING COLE This should be a great match between two young rookies and what the heck? Cole’s attention is caught by the arrival of Sophie, Lucius Soul, and Rico. Oscar’s attention is caught by them as well. This leaves him open to being clubbed from behind by Remy. The Louisiana native then throws him into the corner. While Sophie and crew look on approvingly, Remy stomps at Oscar’s stomp. Eventually he stomps him all the way down to the ground. COLE The Kingdom, or what used to be the kingdom, has no business out here. COACH They just want to see the match. COLE There’s plenty of monitors backstage for them to watch it on. Remy picks Oscar off the canvas, and shoots him into the ropes. A back elbow drops Oscar to the ground and a cover quickly follows… ONE! TWO! Kickout! Oscar is brought to his feet by The Cajun sensation and decked with a right hand. Remy pushes him out of the ring to the outside with his black boot, leaving him in front of The Kingdom. Remy then pulls out a deck of cards and distracts the referee with a card trick. This allows all three Kingdom members to put the boots to the poor Oscar. COLE Don’t these three need to be worrying about what their going to do now that there’s a new King of the OAOAST land? COACH I think there’s room for two kings. COLE That’s wishful thinking. There’s not two presidents of the United States. There can only be one King, and although I dislike the man that King is Theodore Moneymaker. Oscar crawls back inside the ring where he’s stomped at by Remy. The Freebird fight pasts the stomps to get to his feet. But he’s booted in the stomach and doubled over. He remains weakened as Remy heads to the ropes. But when The Cajun Sensation returns, Oscar upends him with a back body drop that sends him over the ropes to the outside! “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Oscar exits the ring, but does not do so to fetch Remy. Rather he does it to attack Lucius and Rico! COLE Look at Oscar take it to The Mardi Gras Hellfire Club! COACH That lousy criminal has no right attacking King Landon’s loyal Knights. COLE Actually I think its just plain old Landon. Oscar returns his attention to Remy, tossing him back inside the ring. Oscar gets to the ring apron, and starts to climb through the ropes. That’s when Remy nails him in the head with a knee. The Bayou Brawler drags Oscar into the ring and snapmares him to the ground. After bouncing off the ropes, he executes a whiplash! From there a pinfall is attempted…. ONE! TWO! No! REMY Aww, go to bed! Remy continues to vent his frustrations with the kickout as he pulls Oscar to his feet. This is a problem as his lack of concentration allows Oscar to tag him with with right hands. COLE Oscar’s getting himself back into this! The Freebird upends Remy with an arm drag. He quickly comes to his feet, only to be slammed in the chest with a dropkick. Once again, he comes upright and this time is nailed with a side Russian leg sweep. The cover is made… ONE! TWO! Remy gets his shoulder off the canvas. He comes back upright and is finds himself trapped inside a front facelock. The Dutch rookie looks for a DDT. But Remy counters by shoving him into the ropes. Oscar returns with a lariat that’s ducked by slick Cajun. The Freebird swings around and is hit in the chest with a knife edge chop. Another one is the precursor to Remy putting Oscar on the canvas with a scoop slam. The Cajun pulls out an ace of spades and lays it on Oscar’s chest. He then drops a knee directly onto the playing card. COLE At least he’s dropping actual objects and not imaginary grenades like Pierce. Remy hooks the legs for the cover…. ONE! TWO! Oscar makes the kickout. “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” COLE The OAOAST Galaxy starting to get behind this young man who has an amazing story. COACH He’s a gang member, a drug dealer, and a weapons dealer! He has no place among noble citizens like Lucius Soul. COLE Who is an ex-con and a former pimp? Remy waits for Oscar to get to his feet. Once he does he seizes him in set up for a back suplex. But at the height of the move, Oscar flips out the hold. He spins Remy around, and quickly executes the CK3! COLE Birdcall! And just like that its gotta be over. Remy’s legs are hooked for the crucial pinfall… ONE! TWO! Sophie gets onto the ring apron to distract the referee. This allows Rico and Lucius to sneak into the ring. COLE This isn’t happening! Rico lifts Oscar into position for The Mustache Ride, as Lucius gets onto the top rope. COACH Time to catch the 3:10 to Hell! But Oscar slips out Rico’s clutches. He dropkicks the South American in the back, causing him to crash into Soul. This sends the former pimp flying from the ring apron! “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” The referee turns around to see what the commotion is about as Rico rolls out the ring. Oscar turns around to fetch Remy, only for the Cajun to trap him inside a small package…. ONE! TWO! THREE! DING DING DING! BUFFER Your winner as a result of a pinfalll….REMY BAZIL! Remy sends cards flying out to the stands to celebrate his surprising victory. Oscar, for his part, yells at Sophie and the recovering Kingdom members for their role in his loss. COACH What’s his problem? COLE What do you think? The Kingdom just cost him another match! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 The interview lounge is bustling with activity as OAOAST superstars and staff linger about having a grand time discussing the events of the day. Sitting at the bar by himself, puffing a cigar and drinking a beer is…BADASS JACK He’s quickly approached by Josh Matthews, who makes the mistake of shoving a microphone into his face. JOSH Hi, Badass Jack. Congrats to you for your win over Deuce. Could I have a word with you about why you attacked Alexander The Brutal at The Great Angle Bash. BADASS JACK Go fuck yourself. JOSH Just one word, please. BADASS JACK That was three words. Three more than you deserve. JOSH If you could just explain yourself. BADASS JACK Was “go fuck yourself” not clear enough, bub? Are you one of those visual types? Do I have to show you what I’m gonna do to you if you don’t get out my face. CRAAAAACK! Badass Jack smashes a beer bottle onto the counter. JOSH Oooooooooh maaaaaaaaaaan I think I pooed myself. BADASS JACK I gonna ram this bottle right where the sun don’t shine, if you don’t get out my face. ODIN (OS) Enough! Jack smiles a small smile asODIN strides over to the scene. Josh takes this moment to wisely back away as Jack’s attention is now focused on The God Of War. BADASS JACK Things just got interesting. ODIN You may not answer to this puny creature, but you do answer to me. BADASS JACK I don’t answer to nobody. ODIN You will explain why you chose to interfere in the business of a god! BADASS JACK Like I said, I don’t answer to nobody. ODIN You will answer me or you will suffer the consequences of your stubborness! BADASS JACK Bub, are you making a threat? ODIN I’m making a guarantee. BADASS JACK Then let me make this guarantee to you. If you don’t walk away right now, I’ll take this beer bottle and rip yer insides out. A crowd of OAOAST superstars has gathered, waiting to see what Odin will do next. With his pride tested, he has no other choice but to slug Badass Jack in the jaw! “OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Badass Jack fires back and soon a good old fashioned bar fight between the two ensues. Odin hammers Jack with left hands, backing him against the bar. He reaches out with his hand and clamps down on Jack’s throat. ODIN You will bow before your superior! Badass Jack cracks a bottle over Odin’s head! The God of War stumbles backwards and is caught in the face by a stool that’s thrown by Jack. BADASS JACK You barked up the wrong tree, bub. Jack grabs Odin by the collar of his unusual attire and hurls him over the counter to the other side of the bar. Odin is alarmingly quick to get to his feet. He reaches forward and slams Jack’s faces against the bar. Jack staggers away, and Odin takes this moment to leap over the bar. He grabs onto Jack and body slams him through a nearby glass table. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” ODIN I am The God Of War! You are nothing! NothinARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! The reason for Odin’s pain is the boot Jack rifled into his testicles. Jack gets to his feet, and tags Odin with a left cross. This weakens the god, and Jack is able to ram his head THROUGH the wall. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!” Odin elbows Jack away, and the two begin trading punches. Fortunately, security pours into the room and separates the two men before further damage to the lounge’s furniture can be done. COLE Good lord! Folks, we have to take a break from this chaotic scene!COMMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 Due to the wreckage caused to the interview lounge by Jack and Odin, Tony Brannigan must conduct his interview with Jade Rodez-Duncan outside the Duncan family dressing room. TONY Hello world! Tony Brannigan situated backstage with Jade Rodez-Duncan the new OAOAST Women’s Champion. Jade, we all saw what happened to your mother at Great Angle Bash in her match against Bohemoth. Could you please give us an update on her condition. JADE Well, she'’ll need neck surgery, and her arm is completely broken. It's the same arm she broke fighting my Uncle Leon two years ago at the Halloween Spectacular. TONY How’'s she handling all this from a mental and emotional standpoint? JADE She’'s pretty peeved actually. That was the arm she uses to whip the slaves…...uhh, I mean maids…...and now she has to depend on her right arm and she says she just can’'t get enough power to make them clean faster or prepare her a sandwich quicker. She'’s not pleased with losing the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship either. She says she’'s lost it before and she can tolerate not having it, but who she lost it to is really making her mad. She says she'’s going to recover as soon as possible to make sure his time as face of this company is a very short one. TONY How are you feeling being the new OAOAST Women’s Champion? JADE Well, obviously my happiness is a little tempered, but it feels good to be a three time women’s champion. I wish I had won the belt more cleanly, but when Maya gets an idea in her head its hard to tell her to leave it alone. TONY What are your plans for the title? JADE I’'m looking forward to taking on all challengers. Whoever they may be, if they want a title shot, all they have to do is ask me and I'’ll give them one. I want to be a fair, fighting champion that people can look up to and respect. That’'s my goal. TONY Jade, you’'ve been a pleasure as always. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 Backstage, the All-American Boys stare in awe. LIBERTY Isn’t she gorgeous? FREEDOM Best looking woman I’ve ever seen. Ages gracefully too. The camera pulls back to reveal a mini-toy size STATUE OF LIBERTY. LIBERTY Happy birthday America! FREEDOM (singing) And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. LIBERTY (singing) And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA. Mariachi pops in unexpectedly wearing a “I *heart* NY” t-shirt. MARIACHI And Nueva York! Gracias! LIBERTY & FREEDOM New York?! FREEDOM Listen, my immigrant amigo, as beautiful as God’s gift to the world is, it still has a few bad seeds like in the Big Apple. MARIACHI Que? LIBERTY What my partner is telling you is -- and I mean partner IN the ring -- for a man to succeed he’s gotta be, uh… mucho hombre, less mujere. MARIACHI Mucho hombres, si. *giggles* FREEDOM No, we mean tough man. You also gotta be 100% committed to our country tis of thee. MARIACHI Scoreboard. Scoreboard! Mariachi reenacts the spectacular final goal of Mexico’s Gold Cup win over the U.S. LIBERTY (to Freedom) This one’s a major project. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 We return to ringside where Michael Buffer stands inside a purple spotlight. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring to my left, from America’s Dairyland… THE MILKMAN! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" The Milkman tosses small milk cartons into the crowd. COLE Hey Milkman, over here! The Milkman is happy to oblige Cole’s request. Unfortunately, the voice of the OAOAST has terrible hands and the carton explodes all over the desk and his face/chest. COACH Here’s a first. Mikey Cole covered in white stuff that’s not warm. COLE Very funny. “Disco Heaven” by Lady Gaga hits and Vinny Valentine struts down the aisle. BUFFER And his opponent, accompanied by TONY TOURETTES… from Brooklyn, New York, weighing 228 pounds… “THE DISCO DUCK”… VINNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY VVVVVAAAAAALLLLEEEEENNTTIIIIIINNEEEEEEEEE!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" A multi-colored disco ball lowers from the ceiling as Vinny enters the ring and proceeds to shake his booty. COLE It was a rough night for Vinny Valentine and cousin Tony Tourettes at the Great Angle Bash. Upset over being left off another pay-per-view event, Vinny asked for a match and boy did he get one. COACH Unfortunately, so did Tony, as BW decided to fight him and Vinny in a triple threat match. COLE A match that ended in near record time. “Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z suddenly hits and BIG PAPA THRUST storms the ring with a LEAD PIPE. COACH Something tells me Big Papa Thrust isn’t here to find out what Vinny and the Milkman have planned on the 4th of July. Vinny and Tony bail outside as the Milkman offers BPT some milk, which he actually chugs down. THE MILKMAN BPT wipes his mouth and gives the Milkman a nod, then strikes him with the pipe! Once in the gut and twice across the back! COLE Oh my! BPT isn’t through yet. He destroys the remaining milk cartons with the pipe and then brings the mic. BIG PAPA THRUST Like milk, Big Papa Thrust does the body good. Just ask my freakazoids. But as good I do the female body, I do the male body bad. Real bad. See, women who step in the bedroom with the Big Bad Glutei Daddy experience nirvana, whereas men who step in the ring with me experience pain. And pain is what that punk ass bitch Mr. Dick is gonna get because I’m calling that prick out right now. COACH Looks like we have another guy on the roster who can harbor a grudge. COLE If your brother got taken out and you almost got sodomized live on pay-per-view I think you’d be mad too. The Real American Prick and Kareem appear on the AngleTron to a chorus of boos. MISTER DICK Uh-oh. Somebody’s a little cranky this evening. Why so BUTT hurt? BIG PAPA THRUST Don’t play dumb with me, boy. MISTER DICK Nobody’s foolish enough to play dumb with you because they’d never win. KAREEM Oh snap! BIG PAPA THRUST Did you say snack? ‘Cause I got a knuckle sandwich for you right here, you fat bastard. "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" KAREEM MISTER DICK I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. What could possibly have you all fired up? I mean, a quick check of the OAOAST record book shows you guys-- Whoops, gotta correct myself. I said you guys instead of you. Forgot your big bro slipped on a banana peel and is now on the shelf. COLE Slipped on a banana peel? More like got struck in the head with a blunt object. MISTER DICK Anyway, what I meant to say was a check of the record book shows you won Sunday night. Sure the pin shouldn’t have counted, but I’m not the kind of guy to cry over spilled milk, which I see there’s quite a bit of it in the ring. By the way, shame on you for attacking the Milkman. Next time pick on somebody your own size, like we did to you-- That’s it. Now I realize why you’re cranky. It’s because even though you won the battle at the Great Angle Bash, the Dream and I won the war. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" MISTER DICK We punk’d you in front of the entire OAOAST Galaxy. The fact you’re even still able to show your face is all thanks to my old buddy Douche Bigelow. Without him getting involved you definitely would’ve gotten the thrust of it. So just like your dream of Malaysia becoming your #1 freakazoid went up in smoke, so too did getting me back in the ring. It’s onto bigger and better things for the Real American Prick. Things like-- MALAYSIA (off-screen) The Ride Her Cup. Malaysia appears onstage to a surprisingly large ovation. BIG PAPA THRUST Golf sucks! I like my sports rough and full of physical contact. MISTER DICK Maybe there’s hope for this great land of ours after all if you and I can find common ground. Sorry babe, this isn’t the Golf Channel. Besides, you’re a little late to the party. The Ryder Cup was a few weeks ago. MALAYSIA Golf’s Ryder Cup comes once every 2 years. The winner of my Ride Her Cup will come all day and night. COACH Oh, mama! MALAYSIA The concept is simple. A best of 5 series with the grand prize being…me. MISTER DICK Wait a minute. You’re already mine. MALAYSIA What’s the matter, Dickey -- not UP to the challenge? MISTER DICK You damn well know the answer to that. But all right, you wanna feel wanted? You wanna see two men fight for you? Then it’s gonna be my pleasure making that jacked up Barney Rubble my bitch! BIG PAPA THRUST I look forward to having a gay ol’ time with my new Betty, because I’ll be making Malaysia’s Bedrock after winning this tournament. MISTER DICK MALAYSIA Oh, one more thing. Each match in the series will have a unique stipulation. Take your first match next week. DILDO ON A POLE! COLE Oh my! “Wildside” hits and Malaysia returns backstage. Meanwhile, a stare down ensues between MD and BPT. COACH Did she really say…? COLE Dildo on a Pole live next week on HeldDOWN~! What a night it’s going to be in Wichita, Kansas. As BPT exit’s the ring, Vinny Valentine tosses the Milkman back in and gives him a TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! COACH Blame it on the Boogie! COLE What the heck is going on here? Tony Tourettes rings the bell and then makes the count. ONE! TWO! THREE!!! Tony slides back outside to ring the bell again. TONY Cunts and dicks, your winner… Mr. STD-- VINNY TONY I mean the Disco Duck… *under breath* a/k/a Mr. STD *under breath* …VINNY VALENTINE! COACH Huge win for the Vin-man on his climb up the ladder. COLE Are you kidding me? The disco ball lowers and Vinny boogies to Lady Gaga, until Big Papa Thrust returns to level him with the lead pipe! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Tony flees through the crowd, leaving BPT to flex the largest arms in the galaxy as “Big Pimpin’” plays. COLE We just witnessed disco demolition II. Next week it’ll be the start of the Ride Her Cup. Mr. Dick vs. Big Papa Thrust in a Dildo on a Pole match! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 In President Alfdogg's office, we find King Of The Ring winner, Theodore Moneymaker, busy laying down the law. Numerous sheets of paper and open books and catalogues sit on Alfdogg's table, with Lorelei studiously taking notes on this important meeting. ALFDOGG Teddy, if you don't mind me saying... are you sure you need to go to this much effort? The company's working on a budget. MONEYMAKER I understand that. But money is no object to me, Alf. The company needn't spend a dime. It'll all be at my expense. I just want the world to witness the greatest coronation ceremony in the history of mankind. Greater than the world's richest monarchies could even dream of organising. All I want from you is to sign off on everything. ALFDOGG Right. In that case, may I suggest a second solid gold statuette of yourself. You can never have too many solid gold statuettes of yourself in my experience. Moneymaker rolls his eyes at Alf's sarcasm. Just then, the door swings open and another man of royalty storms in. LANDON Alf, we need to tal... Stopping in his tracks, Landon notices Moneymaker and points an accusing finger at him. LANDON YOU! USURPER! MONEYMAKER HAHAHA! Well well well, if it isn't the former King, back from his Spanish hideaway. LANDON It was a vacation and it is irrelevant. Why was I not informed about this tournament you've been having behind my back!? ALFDOGG It wasn't "behind your back". You weren't here! The company tried to contact you a couple of times when you disappeared after losing to Nathaniel and we got short shrift, from your mother, while you were on your little 'vacation'. Lorelei snickers at the idea of Landon staying with his Mom. LANDON That's besides the point. What do you need another King for? MONEYMAKERAnother King? Oh, I think you're mistaken, little man. Your time in the spotlight is up. Much like your little 'Kingdom' has faded away into insignificance, just as I always knew it would, now too it's time for you to go away and step aside for a true leader to take your place. Landon glares at Moneymaker, who seems unconcerned. ALFDOGG I'm sorry Landon. But, the King Of The Ring... it's a yearly tournament. You've been King Of The Ring for a year. Now it's somebody else's time. Landon continues glaring at the smirking Moneymaker and shakes his head. KING LANDON No! I'm sorry, but being a King is about more than just winning a tournament! It's about nobility, leadership, class... and some other stuff. Also, I already have Queen Esther. If she can call herself a Queen without winning a tournament, then so can I! I don't care about my year supposedly 'being up'. I'm going to keep my title, I'm going to keep my robe... MONEYMAKER Fine by me. KING LANDON ...and I'm going to continue to reign over the OAOAST like a true King, whether you like it or not! Chuckling under his breath, Moneymaker suddenly gets serious. MONEYMAKER We'll see about that, Landon. I warn you. You do not want to cross me. Because I am a very powerful man, more powerful than I've been in a long time. And I've reacquired the taste for it. So you, or anyone else who tries to stand in the way of my regime will do so at your own risk. Trying not to back down, Landon stares Moneymaker in the eye, doing his best to control his flinches before he storms back out of the room. Moneymaker glances at Lorelei and they both smirk, before going back to their expensive fabric catalogue. MONEYMAKER I think this for my red carpet. LORELEI An excellent choice. Now, about this tiara...COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2013 We return from break to find Michael Buffer standing inside a dimly lit ring. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... the NEW OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... BBOOOOOOOOOOO - HHHHHEEEEEEEEMMMMMOOOOOTTTTHHHHHHHHH!!!!*SREEECH* "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The crowd voice their disapproval as onto the stage, in a leather vest, jeans and dark sunglasses, but most importantly with the OAOAST World Title draped over his shoulder, out strolls Bohemoth. With a look of contempt he lowers his sunglasses and looks out at the crowd. Before raising the title belt in the air. COLE In one of the most ruthless, twisted displays ever seen in this company, this man, Bohemoth, finally captured the World Heavyweight Title at the Great Angle Bash. And, in the process, he may have destroyed the career of one of the OAOAST's most beloved, popular personalities in history. Bohemoth casually strolls to the ring, taking his time over this long awaited moment. Making it to the ring, Bo looks at the booing crowd, the thumbs down being brandished his way and smirks. COACH Well, Bo finally got what he wanted. The World Title, no more Krista... it's finally all about him. Climbing into the ring, Bohemoth paces around, taking in the boos. Adjusting the title belt over his shoulder, he then takes a microphone and waits for some quiet. "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" Slowly taking off his sunglasses, Bohemoth calmly places them in his pocket. "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" Bohemoth waits, apparantly in no rush. BOHEMOTH Go ahead. Go ahead, keep on chanting her name. Because she's never coming back! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" BOHEMOTH Oh yeah. See, Sunday night, I promised everybody that I was finally going to put things right. That I was finally going to make everybody stand up and take notice of me. And you damn well better believe I did just that because I am the new World Heavyweight Champion! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" BOHEMOTH You can boo all you want. You can shout whatever you want to shout at me. You can write whatever you like on your crappy little signs that you stayed up all night scrawling at with your crayon sets. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm the World Champion, which means it's MY TIME! Nobody is gonna cut me off anymore! Nobody's gonna stop me from getting my screen time and my face on your TV, for as long as I want! I call the shots now! So I suggest you all just settle down, go ahead and sit on your chubby little hands and listen. "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" Unconcerned with the chants, Bohemoth just checks his Rolex watch. BOHEMOTH Are you done? You know, I bet you all think you know what's gonna happen next. I bet you all think that any second, some little crappy pop song is gonna start playing and your little hero, your idol, is gonna come walking on out and start calling me a bunch of names. Well, I've got bad news for you. Krista isn't coming. She's not going to walk out here and interrupt me. You wanna know why? Because she CAN'T walk anywhere anymore. Thanks to ME! COACH Wow. BOHEMOTH You wanna know where Krista is right now? Right now, she's laid up in her mansion in Los Angeles, being cared for by a private doctor. Because she is BED-RIDDEN! She's in a neck brace. A back brace. She may be in a full body cast for all I know. The point is, she is DONE! FINISHED! School's Out, Krista got lucky, because she managed to avoid my B-Trayal. And I knew, I knew that if I could just hit her with that move I could beat her. But, I didn't just want to hit her with that move once. Not after the way she ran me down. Not after the way she tried to humiliate and embarrass me. Nobody does that to me! I wanted to hit her with that move again and again and AGAIN and AGAIN until I heard her spine snap in two! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" COLE Can you believe the lack of compassion? This man is sick! BOHEMOTH I wanted to end her career and I did. And now, there's nobody to stop me from being the face of this company like I deserve! I am the World Heavyweight Champion! I am in a league above everybody else! And now on, everywhere you look, where you used to see Krista, now you're gonna see ME! It's gonna be my face on the posters! My face in the commercials! My shirts in the stands! I'm going to be on programmes, on the website, on magazine covers, on plastic cups! IT'S ALL... ABOUT... ME!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" BOHEMOTH And to make that perfectly clear for all you idiots out there who don't understand, I'm going to illustrate my point. Get out here! Waving to the back, Bohemoth calls down a couple of stagehands, carrying cardboard boxes. BOHEMOTH HURRY UP! The crew speed up and quickly bring the boxes into the ring, filled with t-shirts. They disappear quickly, before anything can happen to them. Bohemoth looks at the boxes, reaching in and pulling out a Krista t-shirt with disgust. BOHEMOTH Take a good look. Because this is all that's left of your beloved Krista. And it's the last you're ever going to see of her! Reaching into his pocket, Bohemoth pulls out a LIGHTER... ...AND SETS THE BOXES ALIGHT!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The boxes of merchandise burn in front of Bohemoth and he stares down into the flames, before looking up at the crowd and raises the OAOAST World Title over his head. BOHEMOTH IT'S ALL... ABOUT... ME!!!!!! The flames continue to burn, smoke rising in front of the face of Bohemoth as the show fades to black.FADE OUT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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