OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 6/10/2011

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

We're taken to Sofa Central, where Double C sit in front of rabid fans and stands that are bathed in orange, purple, and red lights.

COLE
Welcome, folks, to another exciting edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~! I am Michael Cole sitting alongside, Da Coach and we are ready to call all the fantastic action as it happens here from Glendale, Arizona.

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
BOHEMOTH VS TIM CASH
TONIGHT! 

COACH
Hell yeah! I've been waiting for years to see that phony clown Tim Cash get crushed, and now its finally going to happen!

COLE
We'll also hear from Mister Dick, as well as see the in ring debut of Odin. Plus we have exciting news about the One and Only World Tag Team Titles.

N-n-now that which don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'Cause I can't wait much longer

Jeers and boos flood the arena in response to 30 Seconds To Mars cover of Stronger. Pushing his way past the entrance doors before they can even fully part is two time OAOAST World Champion Reject. The Church of Abdullah member appears angered, and hurriedly stomps down the entrance ramp.

COLE
I didn't expect to hear from Reject to start the show.

COACH
Anything can and will happen on HeldDOWN, including an appearance from The R-Man.

REJECT
The world is blowing itself straight to hell.  There’s violence all over the entire planet! A man can’t hold onto much, because its just going to get stripped away from him. But what he can hold onto his pride. A man has to have his pride.

Reject pauses to measure his words carefully.

REJECT
My pride was stripped away from me when I got clocked by Princess Padme!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

REJECT
Not worth cheering! I’ve been put through hell in this business.  I’ve taken School’s Outs, Thunderbolt DDTs, KIDologies, Confessions of a Kristahoics, Out of Body Experiences and a whole bunch more, and although I may not have walked away a winner after those moves I walked away with my pride. I did not leave Natalie Portman’s house with my pride, because I didn’t have any pride to leave with! That bitch took it from me, with a cheap shot, a sucker punch, a lousy right cross that I wasn’t expecting.  And the only reason it did put me on the ground is because I already had a sore jaw. Yeah, that’s right, I already had a sore jaw. I was doing missionary work for the Church of Abdullah, bringing the god word to godless Jews at Bet Yeshiva preschool when one of the brats cold clocked me with a wiffle ball bat. I was left down and out, but I still marched onto Natalie Portman’s house to do the lord’s work and all I got in return was a loss of my pride!

COLE
Reject is heated.

REJECT
But, I’m going to get my pride back. I can’t expect Miss Portman to apologize, or even give me a fair shake at her because she’s hiding behind that dainty woman crap and a whole bunch of bodyguards. But she has friends. Friends like Alix Maria Spezia. So Alix, you’re gonna give me my pride back, by taking me on in a cage match.

COACH
Woah!

REJECT
So you can either meet me in the ring one of these days and give me my pride back, or I can find you backstage and I can beat it out of you!

"Stronger" fires back up, as Reject lets the gravity of his words sink into the fans' minds.

COMING UP NEXT
THE DEBUT OF ODIN
ODIN VS MARIACHI
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

The world famous interview lounge is our scene as….


MAGGIE NERDLY stands with…


ODIN

MAGGIE
What’s up, ya’ll, Maggie Nerdly “It” Girl on the scene, chilling backstage with the OAOAST’s newest superstar Odin. Big O, What do you think of your opponent tonight?

ODIN
Whom might you be referring to?

MAGGIE
Mariachi!

ODIN
Oh. Yes. Mariachi. I have a good laugh at Mariachi. I find him humorous in many ways. But ultimately he is inconsequential. He is a buffoon who dresses in pink, humps his same sex opponents and fellates a pitchfork before every match. I am a God that can summon the most hellacious of thunder.

MAGGIE
Yeah right.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

MAGGIE
So you can summon thunder. Big deal. I could do that if I really wanted.

ODIN
To answer your question I think of Mariachi what you probably think of the cheeseburger you digested for lunch, or the milkshake you ingested as a drink. I think he’s food, and I will eat him alive. I will devour him to his very core, and make him wish he had never once entertained the thought of becoming a professional wrestler. When you walked to the arena today, no doubt you accidentally stepped on a few insects. Mariachi is the bug I accidentally step on my way to my real conquest, Alexander The Brutal.

Odin smiles into the camera, and then strides off.

MAGGIE
(looking at Odin’s body)
For a crazy guy who thinks he’s a god, he’s pretty well cut.

[Chanel #99]

The Glee version of “I Know What Boys Like” joins with pink spotlights an a pleathora of bubbles in welcoming Mariachi to the arena. He joyfully “rides” his pink pitchfork across the stage as the Arizona audience applauds his appearance.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of fifteen minutes! Now making his way from Cabo San Lucas, he is MARRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIAAACHHHHIIIIIII!

Mariachi eyes the crowd for the sexiest hunk the Glendale-Phoenix area has to offer. When he find a particularly fetching gentlemen he proceeds to plant kisses all over his cheek!

COACH
I’ve never seen Odin wrestle, but I guarantee Mariachi has never fought anyone like him.

COLE
Mariachi’s fought a lot of top superstars in the OAOAST such as Theodore Moneymaker, Leon Rodez, and Christian Wright.

COACH
But he’s never fought a GOD!

:Cue::

No one man should have all that power
The clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours
Stop trippin’, I’m trippin’ off the power
‘Til then, fuck that, the world’s ours

A “waterfall” of blue smoke sinks down onto an entrance stage that’s covered in flashing red lights. Emerging from the backstage area with arms out stretched and face owning a confident smile is the God known as Odin.

BUFFER
And the opponent, making his OAOAST debut! He hails from Asgard

COLE
Asgard? Seriously? Is this a Marvel comic book?

BUFFER
He is THE GOD OF WAR….OOOOODDDDDIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!

Boos ring out from the stands, as Odin strides down the entrance ramp with his red cape flowing behind him.

COACH
Be in amazement, Mikey Cole.

COACH
Well, I must admit he certainly does have the body of a God.

Odin enters the ring, backing away the nervous offical but drawing appreciative stares from Mariachi. The God Of War raises his arm into the air, leading white pyro to explode from each turnbuckle.

COLE
And he certainly knows how to make a godly introduction.

DING DING DING

Mariachi’s gloved hands rub the muscular chest of his handsome foe. Rather than be perturbed, Odin simply manages a small smile.

COLE
They certainly do make them buff and handsome in uh…Asgard.

Mariachi plants a KISS onto Odin’s cheek. The “god” continues to smile, apparently unfazed by the seducing ways of Mariachi. In a good mood, the luchadore plants a kiss on referee Charles Robinson’s cheek as well.

COACH
This isn’t the slaughter I imagined. I’m kind of upset.

Mariachi turns back to Odin, and gets decked by a left hand. No sooner than a second after he hits the ground is Mariachi being brought back to his feet. Odin grabs onto his throat and chucks him into the corner. There he mercilessly pounds on Mariachi with powerful punches.

COACH
Now this is the slaughter I pictured. I am happy.

Odin latches onto Mariachi’s arm and pulls him in for a short arm lariat! Mariachi is folded up and howls in pain. Odin merely looks at him with a grin on his face. He continues to smile as he pulls Mariachi upright. The pink clad luchadore is sent into the ropes, bouncing back into a back body drop. Mariachi clutches his sore back, and whimpers his misery.

COACH
This guy is going to be legendary, Mikey, mark my words.

Mariachi uses the ropes nearest the corner to pull himself upright. After sauntering over to the wounded luchadore, Odin lays into him with devastating right hands. Once a fifth shot connects, the Asgardian pulls Mariachi away from the corner and shoots him to opposite corner. Odin gives chase, intending on nailing Mariachi with a corner lariat. But the plucky grappler gets his elbow up, and backs off Odin. With Odin stunned, Mariachi takes off to the ropes. Unfortunately his return is marked with him being rocked by a powerful blue boot!

COLE
Mariachi is no slouch and he’s just being manhandled by the bigger, stronger, Odin.

COACH
Well, Mariachi ain’t no god.

COLE
Neither is Odin!

A dizzied Mariachi carries himself upright. He staggers up the ring as his 6’6 opponent hunches over. When Mariachi finally nears him Odin puts him back on the ground with a fierce throat thrust. Mariachi can barely breathe after such an attack, and hacks and wheezes on the canvas. Despite his pain, he manages to use the ropes to pull himself upright.

“HOMIES! HOMIES! HOMIES!” the fans chant, trying to rally the fun loving babyface.

Odin sticks his arms out and invites Mariachi to take a free shot. Mariachi winds up and with all his strength and might rifles a left cross into Odin’s jaw.

ODIN



Odin returns fire with a nasty boot that dumps Mariachi to the canvas. Blood pours from his mouth, and referee Robinson considers stopping the contest.

COACH
Are you saying this man isn’t a god?

COLE
I don’t doubt that he’s very powerful, very handsome, very well spoken, and very dangerous. But I do doubt that he’s a god.

Odin yanks Mariachi up by the back of his mask. He admirers his lethal handiwork before rocking Mariachi with a left right combo. He finishes that flurry of offense with a clothesline that nearly saws his smaller rival in half.

ODIN
Rise and face me like a man!

Mariachi follows orders, but refuses to allow himself to be put away. He unleashes a torrent of knife edge chops that seem to stun the supposed God. Thinking the tide of the match has finally turned, the Mexican bounces off the ropes. However, he runs right into a spinning sidewalk slam from his rival!

COLE
If he is a god, shouldn’t he be doing something useful like ending world hunger, or curing all known diseases?

COACH
You weren’t paying attention. He’s a god of war, battle, and death. What better place to be than a wrestling ring engaging in hand-to-hand combat?

Odin exits the ring, stepping onto the ring apron. He makes a slow and deliberate climb to the top rope.

COLE
Is this 6’6 250 pounder going to show us some high risk offense?

Odin soars forward, wowing the audience and connecting with an amazing top rope lariat!

COACH
What can’t this guy do? I’m gonna ask him if he can turn my water bottle into a bottle of Merlot next.

Odin sticks out his hand and smiles a wide smile. He waits patiently for Mariachi to rise, and when he does, he clamps down on his throat. From there Mariachi is raised up, and driven down with the chokeslam! As the crowd cringes at the vicious impact, Odin hooks onto Mariachi’s legs for the pinfall….

ONE!


TWO!



THREE!

DING DING DING

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall….ODIN!

Odin rises to his feet and raises his arms in celebration of his dominating victory.

COLE
Just an amazing debut performance by Odin against a game Mariachi.

COACH
Game? The dude got in like five chops and a free punch and that’s it.

COLE
I was trying to be nice.

Backstage a worried Megan Skye is watching this with Alexander The Brutal.

MEGAN
So, you’re still not worried?

ALEXANDER
When he has my blood on his teeth, and my heart in his hands then I shall be worried. Until that point comes, I will not fear him.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

When we return from commercial break “Motherfucker of the Year” blasts through the speakers as Mr. Dick walks to the ring with Malaysia at his side.

COLE
This should be interesting.

MD grabs a mic.

MISTER DICK
It’s come to my attention that some people -- some -- hold me responsible for what happened to the Sooner Bruisers last week. Now, I’m not the type to point fingers… but I’m pretty sure those people are each and every one of you in this arena and at home. Clearly only the Real American Prick had anything to gain from Big Papa Thrust being taken out, right? I mean, no way could it have possibly been the work of some angry husband or jealous boyfriend whose chick Big Papa Thrust also crushed on.

COACH
He’s got a point, Cole.

COLE
Yeah, he matches the description of a jealous boyfriend.

COACH
That wasn’t it!

MISTER DICK
But I’m not here to clear my name because there’s nothing I can do or say that’ll make you believe I had no knowledge of last week’s incident. Instead I’m here to give Big Papa Thrust what he wants so very, very bad.

The crowd pops thinking MD is referring to Malaysia.

MISTER DICK
No, definitely not that. Roll the footage.

The OAOAST Galaxy lets their disapproval be known when ABDULLAH NERDLY walks to the ring shaking his head.  

TERRY
Abdullah Nerdly! You have no business out here.

ABDULLAH
Just like that man has no business trying to seduce a woman in a committed relationship.

BIG FRANK
What are you, Mr. Dick’s messenger boy?

ABDULLAH
No, a friend.

BIG FRANK
Then tell your friend if he’s gotta problem with Big Papa Thrust to bring his ass out to the ring and say it to my face.

MISTER DICK
Ask and you shall receive. ‘Cause at some point this evening the Real American Prick is gonna be all up in that...face. Now hit my music.

* BZZZZZZT *

OMG~!

MISTER DICK
That’s not my music.

The hidden camera takes us inside a HOTEL ROOM where MD lies NAKED on the bed flipping through the pages of Kama Sutra. Unfortunately for those hoping to catch a glimpse of Dickzilla, the lower part of his body is visually distorted.

COLE
What the heck?

COACH
Disappointed?

The sound of water runs in the background as MD discards the book and turns on the TV.

MISTER DICK
Silly bastard. I don’t need any stinkin’ book.  

TERRY (on TV)
Guys, it‘s great to see you back in the OAOAST.

BIG FRANK
(wipes forehead)
Whew! Excuse me if I’m brief tonight Terry Taylor, I had quite a workout…running through Malaysia’s mind all day.

COACH
Uh-oh.

COLE
You can bet Mr. Dick won’t be pleased to hear that.

MISTER DICK
Damn right I‘m not.

BIG FRANK (on TV)
See Terry, I can spot a frustrated woman a mile away. And it’s pretty obvious Malaysia isn’t being properly satisfied. Mr. Dick promises to take her to the Milky Way, but instead of riding the Big Dipper to the promise land she flies coach on a limp dick.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

BIG FRANK
Well there’s nothing on four wheels that I can’t drive and nothing on two legs that I can’t ride. Malaysia experienced that firsthand at School’ Out when the man with the largest arms in the galaxy made her back cracked, liver quiver and the inner walls of her thighs go BOOMSHAKALAKA!

MISTER DICK
(grabs crotch)
Oh, gag on it.

The water shuts off and MD quickly does the same to the TV.

MALAYIA (off-screen)
What’s that?

MISTER DICK
Nothing, baby. Just the TV.

Malaysia walks in with a towel wrapped around her head and body.

MALAYSIA
Are you watching HD~!?

MISTER DICK
Hell yeah. SD programming sucks.

MALAYSIA
You sound like my sister Melody with the whole high-def/standard def thing. But I meant HeldDOWN~! I want to hear what Frank has to say.

MISTER DICK


MALAYSIA
Why the face? Don’t tell me you’re jealous?

MISTER DICK
Of that big jacked up freak? *scoffs*

MALAYSIA
Then you won’t mind me hearing him speak.

Malaysia asks for the remote but MD refuses to hand it over. They wrestle briefly on the bed until Malaysia gains possession and turns on the TV.

COLE (on TV)
It was a damn setup!

MALAYSIA
What did you do?!

The Heavenly Rockers can be seen on the TV doing a number on Big Papa Thrust and Uber Bruiser.

MISTER DICK
He must’ve slipped.

MALAYSIA
Seriously, Dickey.

MISTER DICK
(laughs)
Goddamn, girl, you make it sound like you… Wait a minute. You belong to me. Remember that.

MALAYSIA
I’m with you because I choose to. You remember that.

Malaysia puts clothes on and exit’s to the cheers of the females watching live in the arena.  

MISTER DICK
Malaysia!

* BZZZZZZT *

OMG~!

Irate over the footage shown, MD grabs Malaysia and the two have a talk as they return backstage.

COACH
How does this stuff even make it on-air?

COLE
All is not well in the Mr. Dick/Malaysia household.

COACH
Thanks to people like Big Papa Thrust and the jerk behind OMG.

COMMERCIAL

DURING THE BREAK~!, BIG PAPA THRUST and UBER BRUISER arrive backstage in a fancy sports car.  

COLE
There he is, ladies and gentleman.

COACH
The man on a mission to wreck the relationship of a happy couple.

COLE
Who are you fooling? It’s obvious Malaysia has the hots for Big Papa Thrust.

COACH
Not after tonight. Mr. Dick is gonna put that home wrecker in his place.

The Sooner Bruisers grab their bags and head towards the locker room.

COLE
Sure was big of Mr. Dick to badmouth Big Papa Thrust when he hadn’t even arrived yet. Be that as it may, the Sooner Bruisers will face the Heavenly Rockers later tonight!

COACH
I can't wait for that legendary rivalry to be renewed!

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Folks, you’ve seen Oscar “The Freebird” Friberg on HeldDOWN and Syndicated and you know he’s a great talent. But what you don’t know is that this youngster has a hell of a story. Let’s here it from his mouth.


OSCAR FRIBERG sits by himself in a darkened studio at OAOAST HQ

OSCAR
So, I grew up a little bit outside of Amsterdam in my early years. I was the oldest of two children. I had a brother and a sister, they were both twins who were six years younger than me. My parents died in a car accident when I was ten. I didn’t know my father that well, because he was a bit of a drunk. My mother did the best she could for us kids, but in the end it didn’t matter, much did it?

An image of the car crash that killed his parents is shown.

OSCAR
So us kids got separated, as that’s what’s happens a lot. My brothers and sisters found new homes. Good for them, I was very happy to know they’d be cared for. But I spent some time in the Dutch foster care system, which isn’t much of a system at all. They put you in a group home and let you run wild. And run wild I did!

We see a picture of the group home Oscar lived in.

OSCAR
I got mixed up in a few gangs.

Symbols of some of Oscar’s gangs are shown.

OSCAR
We stole, we vandalized, we dealt in weapons, we did whatever we wanted. One time when I was eleven we broke into an electronics store, thinking no one was there and we’d have our run of the place. Well, we were way wrong. Way wrong. A couple of cops were having a poker game there. The rest of the guys scattered, but I was young and slow so I got caught. That was my first time in jail. I got into a lot of fights in jail. A lot of fights. But, I’m proud to say I never lost a one.

Grainy security footage of Oscar in a fight in a kid’s jail is shown.

OSCAR
Second time came when I was thirteen. There’s nothing really special about that story. Got into a knife fight with some rival gang members, a cop get stabbed, wasn’t my fault, but I took the fall. That’s the way life goes sometimes.

A newspaper clipping of the incident is shown.

OSCAR
One thing I realized during my time in gangs was that I was a hell of a fighter. I took on guys twice my size and sometimes ten years older than me and I’d come out without a scratch on me. I really enjoyed the fighting, the rush of combat, the adrenaline pumping through your viens, the feeling of being alive. Because I was so good at it, it made me feel like my life had worth for once.

We see dark footage of a young Oscar winning a fight over an outclassed foe.

OSCAR
So I started doing some underground fighting around sixteen. And I was getting good at it, but I was still heavy into the gang lifestyle.

A picture of Oscar and three friends throwing up gang signs is shown.

OSCAR
We had moved onto into dealing major league weapons. I was one of the muscle brought along on deals. Well, of course one went bad, and all hell broke lose. Shots were fired and I got hit. I’m lying up in the hotel room and I get a visit from this girl named Megan Skye. She says she is the foreign liaison of the OAOAST. She tells me she wants to me to put my skills to the test against the world’s best. I had heard of the OAOAST, but I had never ever considered a job there. It just seemed too far fetched to even consider. To be honest I thought she was joking. But why would she come all the way from America to play a trick on an orphan? Megan told me I could stay and die young on the streets, or come to America and live like a king. When you put it that way, I’d say my choice was pretty much obvious.

We see highlights of Oscar’s work in the OAOAST and OAOVW.

OSCAR
I’m not a nice guy, but I’m not a bad guy either. I guess I’m just a guy. I want to earn a living, make a life for myself and do what I love to do. Which is fight. The way I see it there’s no better place for that than the OAOAST.

Oscar's confrontation with Queen Esther is shown.

OSCAR
I wouldn’t say I’ve had problems with The Kingdom. I’d say they have some problems with me. And if they keep messing with me then well, those problems are going to get very bad for them.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

*** The Heavenly Rockers vs. Sooner Bruisers ***

With the size and weight advantage on their side, the Sooner Bruisers dominated the Heavenly Rockers early with an array of power moves/suplexes. Things only got fiery when Big Papa Thrust got tripped by head of band security QUIZ, who ate a clothesline for his trouble. Due to the outside interruption, the referee EJECTED both Quiz and Colonel Abdullah, much to their shock. Logan’s wife Holly was the next to go for verbally/physically abusing the official.

The Sooner Bruisers remained in control once the action resumed until Big Papa Thrust got drilled by a wicked left hook courtesy of Logan that knocked him to the arena floor. Then as he promised earlier in the night, MR. DICK confronted Big Papa Thrust to lay the verbal smack down. DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW then arrived the scene to even the odds, quickly backing MD away.

Late in the match BPT finally made the tag, only for it to be disallowed because the ref never saw it thanks to Synth. Instead it’d be the Heavenly Rockers who tagged, but a miscue led to BPT nailing Synth with the 69 Driver for the 1-2-3.

Winners: The Sooner Bruisers

Kareem hit the ring following the match and laid out Deuce before he and MD attacked the Sooner Bruisers. After dumping Uber outside, Kareem held BPT up for MD, who was all set to deliver a CHAIRSHOT when Malaysia yanked the steel object away.

MISTER DICK


Kareem played peacemaker as the two exchanged words before all 3 were forced to bail once the Sooner Bruisers and Deuce came charging.

[Chanel #99]

Up on the interview stage stands Tony Brannigan, acknowledging the crowd's chants of "TO - NY!" with a polite wave.

BRANNIGAN
Ladies and gentlemen, let me bring out right now, the team who have been named the new number one contenders to the World Tag Team Championship, at The Great Angle Bash... JAMES RIGGS and PIERCE DUNCAN!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Here's the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody's ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse I don't mean to be rude

But tonight I'm fucking you

All smiles, the trio of Pierce, Riggs and their manager Amberlyn Duncan make their way to the stage. An excitable Pierce shouts and yells at the camera, his collar popped and man cleavage on show. Pierce jumps onto the stage and tries to lead the crowd in a big fistpump, as Amberlyn cosies up to T-Bod.

BRANNIGAN
Guys, word came down earlier this week that you've been granted a title shot at The Great Angle Bash against D*LUX. And I'm sure you've got plenty to say about that.

RIGGS
All I've got to say is, I'm glad that the OAOAST top brass had the sense and the class to look past any differences we might have had in the past and give us this chance. I know, me and Pierce, we've caused some people some trouble in the recent past. But... we've changed! We really have. So, my congratulations go to Alfdogg, for finally seeing what he's got in two guys like us. It's a shame it took him so long. But, let's not dwell on that. We're just here to win some gold and cash some cheques. That whole 'Anglesault' business, it's ancient history.

COLE
Maybe for some...

PIERCE
BRO... this is the opportunity me and my dude here have been waiting for! I'm so excited! Me and Bad Ol' JR here, we've been tearing it up! We've been crackin' skulls and kickin' butts up and down, coast to coast, spot to spot. Live events, TV, we're winning everywhere, my dude! We're riding on a wave of momentum right now T-Bro. And me and JR, we're gonna keep riding that wave of momentum, all the way to San Antonio, Great Angle Bash and we're gonna bash those NSYNC wannabees! We're gonna show the world just who the hip, cool young tag team in the OAOAST really is, bro! And we're gonna take their belts, strap them around these awe inspiring abs, hit up the nearest club and party with those titles all night long!

Pierce hits the big fistpump again, to boos from the crowd.

AMBERLYN
(flirting with Tony)
You know, I've never really been to San Antonio. I'm a simple, West Coast kinda gal. But... I heard a rumour that everything's bigger in Texas. So, perhaps you could show us where all the most exclusive places to go are, Tony.

BRANNIGAN
I'll dig my Yellow Pages out of the closet, just for you.

A little perturbed at being given the blow-off, Amberlyn quits stroking the collar on Tony's suit and takes a step back in a sulk.

RIGGS
No offense Tony, but I'm not sure you could keep up with us anyway. We like to be where the action is. Not where it was.

BRANNIGAN
Is that so?

PIERCE
That's so so, T-Bro! And the action's only gonna get hotter once we win those World Tag Titles. See all these hot chicks out here, who scream and go wild everytime D*LUX come out? They're gonna be all about The Result once they see this hot bod do his thing up against their little teen idols! We're gonna be on magazines, photoshoots, TV spots, red carpets. We're gonna blow up, dude! POW! Somebody warn TMZ.

BRANNIGAN
You guys realise, there's more to being Tag Team Champions than women and partying, right? Trust me, you'll get all that. But you've got to focus on getting it done in the ring first.

RIGGS
Listen, we're plenty focused. We play hard, but we work hard too. I hear everybody talking about D*LUX's rise to the top, about how they're "tag team specialists". That's great. But me and Pierce are fixing to change everybody's point of view. We're not some makeshift, fly by night challengers, Brannigan. We didn't get named number one contenders for nothing. These past few months, we've moulded ourselves into a team. And D*LUX may have an edge on us in experience. But they, you and everybody else are going to find out, the team that parties together, wins together.

PIERCE
FISTS UP IF YOU HEAR US!
*fistpump*

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Pierce and Amberlyn laugh it up, as Riggs points into the camera and makes the belt motion around his waist.

COLE
Wow! What a big match announcement for Great Angle Bash! And speaking of big matches, we have our mainevent coming up next. Don't miss it!

COMING UP NEXT
THE MAINEVENT
BOHEMOTH VS TIM CASH
NEXT

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return from commercial break with “On Top Of The World” playing in the background and pink spotlights flying across the arena.

COLE
At this time we’re joined for our mainevent of the evening by OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, Krista Isadora Duncan!

Krista smiles and waves at the camera.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is for the number one contendership to the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship!

COLE
Wow! Alfdogg throwing curveballs at Bohemoth and Tim Cash.

KRISTA
As professional wrestlers, I’m sure they’re used to catching balls by now…

“3 Doors Down” plays to a rousing reception from the Glendale Audience. As blue lights flicker on the side of the entry way, Tim Cash walks out with a wide smile splitting his face.

BUFFER
Introducing first from Peoria, Illinois, he is WRESTLING’S LAST REAL GOOD GUY…..TIM CAAAAASSSHHHHHHHH!

Cash gives the legendary DOUBLE HANDSHAKE to numerous fans on his way down the entrance ramp. He even stops to compliment a few on their creative signage.

COLE
Krista if Tim Cash wins that moves him right into title contention.

KRISTA
Duh! That’s why its called a number one contender’s match. Why point out the obvious and when the unobvious is so much better. Like did you know Landon’s in hiding not because he lost to Nathaniel Black, but because he’s having a nipple reduction. You could’ve played ultimate Frisbee with those things.

After entering the squared circle, Cash heads straight to the referee and compliments on the way he wears vertical stripes. It takes a man with a fine figure to wear vertical stripes, people.

*SREEECH*

Zico Chain’s “Where Would You Rather Be” brings out the boo birds in full force. The entrance doors spread apart, and through the gateway comes the The Beast Bohemoth. The largest wrestler in the OAOAST flexes his incredible muscles in defiance to the crowd who jeer him so harshly.

BUFFER
And introducing the opponent….. Hailing from Greenville, South Carolina! He weighs in tonight at two hundred, eighty four and three quarter pounds! Ladies and gentlemen, this is "THE EPITOME OF MASCULINITY"... BOOOOOOOOOOOO - HHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOTTHHHHHHHH!!!

There’s not a cheer to be heard after the announcement of Bohemoth’s name. The fans simply blast him with hatred, as he jogs up the ring steps. Inside the ring, he makes his way to the turnbuckles. There he screams “ITS ALL ABOUT ME” while jamming his thumbs into his beastly chest.

DING DING DING

KRISTA
Alright, yeah! Let’s get this party underway!

COLE
Your enthusiasm towards wrestling…is confusing.

KRISTA
Wrestling? Honey, don’t be silly, I hate wrestling. I’m excited because I’m going to once again flaunt my breasts for the enjoyment of millions and the consternation of one asexual bonehead in the ring.

Tim Cash offers a handshake to Bohemoth.

COLE
That’s true class right there. Even after what Bohemoth did to him, even after he promised revenge, Timmy still wants to shake hands.

Bohemoth wants no part of the kindness and SPITS on Cash’s hand.

KRISTA
He spits at Tim Cash, but he swallowed for Anglesault.

Bohemoth fires up with a lariat aimed at Cash’s skull. But the Peroia native ducks bellow the attack and winds up behind The Beast. Bohemoth spins around to get a read on Cash, and finds himself under fire from a wave of punches. He takes these blows in stride before firing off a right hand that decks his scrappy foe.

COACH
One punch puts him down! So much for standing up to the bully.

Bohemoth pulls Cash up by his parted hair, in order to club him across the back with forearm shots. Cash grits his teeth in agony, but remains upright for now. He watches as Bohemoth takes to the ropes. The Beast comes roaring back with a shoulder tackle, but Cash corrals him with a side headlock.

KRISTA
Tim Cash is a straight white guy from the Midwest, all signs tell me I should hate him, yet I only mildly dislike him.

COLE
Tim Cash is liked by everyone.

COACH
He ain’t liked by me! I hate that phony ass bustah.

Bohemoth plays Cash’s games for a little while, letting the former EMT wrench on his neck. When that grows old, he places his hands onto Cash’s back and shoves him into the ropes. Cash comes back to Big Bo with a shoulder tackle that barely moves the big man an inch.

BOHEMOTH
That all you got, little man?

Cash steadies his resolve and retries his shoulder tackle effort. Once again he fails do any proper damage.

BOHEMOTH
You can do better than that, little guy.

Willful to the very end, Cash comes back off the ropes. But this time he walks into a stiff lariat from The Beast.

BOHEMOTH
ITS ALL ABOUT ME!

KRISTA
Excuse me!

The camera turns to Krista standing on the announce table.

KRISTA
Sorry to interrupt, Beastie, but I am starting to get a little concerned. You see, my concern is with Maya’s OAOAST the magazine pictures. Yes, she looked great but I’m starting to hear rumblings about my own appearance. People are wondering if the old lady still has “it”. It being worthiness of fantasies during your self pleasure sessions. Well, allow me to show you that you can still safely gratify yourself to thoughts of this body.

BOHEMOTH
THIS IS MY TIME! GET DOWN!

KRISTA


“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COACH
Don’t stop! Don’t stop!

Meanwhile in the ring, Cash rolls Bohemoth up…

ONE!


TWO!


Bohemoth jumps out the pinfall. Angered over being shown up by Krista, he rifles a lariat at Cash. But the good guy ducks the attack, avoiding the dangerous strike. After turning around to try and deal with Cash, Bo is struck in the chest by a dropkick. This throws him into the corner, and Cash is quick to follow up. He ascends to the second rope and begins raining down punches on Bohemoth’s forehead.

COACH
Krista, are you going to dance again?

KRISTA
Keep your hands where no one can see them, I’m going to do a whole lot more than dance.

Bohemoth shoves Tim Cash off him, tired of the endless procession of punches. Cash lands on his boots, leading Bohemoth to sniff blood in the water. As such The Beast charges forward with a lariat. However, he’s dropped to the canvas by a drop toe hold. Moving quickly, Cash applies a side headlock onto his bigger rival.

COLE
Tim Cash trying to wear down the big man and former Anglemania maineventer. Timmy is out to show the world that its okay to stand up to some one who’s tormenting you.

Bohemoth grows tired of being grounded and pushes himself upright with the hold still attached. He elbows Cash twice in the stomach, doing enough to break the headlock. Bohemoth then goes on the attack, whipping Cash into the ropes. The former tag team champion bounces back to a raised boot. He counters this strike, by slide tackling Bohemoth, taking him to the ground. Bohemoth clutches his knee, and Cash not wanting to take advantage of an injured opponent backs off.

COLE
Tim Cash is being the ultimate nice guy.

KRISTA
Being nice will only get you so far in wrestling, at some point you have pull down wrestling pants and say I’m going to give you a handjob and you’re going to give me the lead analyst spot on HeldDOWN~!

Once Bohemoth gets back to his feet, Cash proceeds with his offense. He feeds Bo his leg, and The Beast takes the bait, catching it within his arms. Due to this Bohemoth is nailed in the back of the head with an enziguri! The audience cheers as the big men is pinned to the canvas…

ONE!

Bohemoth powers out the pinfall, throwing Cash off him. He springs to his feet and begins trading blows with Cash.

COACH
That fool, Tim Cash, he can’t hope to win a slug fest with The Beast.

Tim Cash realizes this and ends the punch out by kicking Bohemoth in the knee. With Bo hobbled for the moment, Cash backs into the orange ring ropes. But when he returns to Boehmoth, the former Anglemania mainevent reaches forward and grabs hold of his throat! The crowd panics, worried over the pain that’s soon to come for Cash. They needn’t be too concerned, however, as Cash breaks free of the hold with a kick to Bohemoth’s knee. Cash goes back to the ropes, and returns to fly at Bohemoth with a crossbody block. But the big man catches him within his massive arms!

COLE
Uh-oh Timmy is in big trouble.

Bohemoth crushes Cash between the canvas and his broad body with a fall forward slam. The Peoria native cringes in pain, and convulses on the canvas. Seeing this causes a grin to form on Bohemoth’s face, and he flexes his powerful muscles.

KRISTA
(on the announce table)
Listen up, you asexual idiot!

BOHEMOTH
SHUT UP! THIS IS MY TIME! ITS ALL ABOUT ME!

KRISTA
Three things are going to happen. You’re going to get an erection off me, you’re going to lose the match, and you’re never going to get anywhere near the OAOAST World Title in that order. Let’s start with your currently flaccid member, and try to perk things up…



“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COACH
Oh mama, have mercy!

KRISTA
Well, what do you say, Beastie? Are we on the “up and up”?

COACH
YES! YES! YES!

BOHEMOTH
SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!

Not wishing to assault someone from behind, Tim Cash taps Bohemoth on the shoulder. Already outraged, Bohemoth swings around with a closed fist. Cash catches onto his arm and slams it across his knee. This stuns Bohemoth, and Cash takes advantage by running the ropes. When he returns he bulldogs the big man to the ground. Another pinfall follows….

ONE!


TWO!


Bohemoth throws Cash off him.

COLE
Tim Cash is putting up a valiant fight, and capitalizing on Bohemoth’s flustered state.

Cash waits for Bohemoth to rise, and when he does he slaps on a rear waistlock.

COACH
Is this guy that stupid that he thinks he can lift Bohemoth?

KRISTA
I don’t know but I’m ten seconds away from lifting my skirt.

COACH
This match just gets better and better.

Bohemoth starts winging elbows at Tim Cash to try and break his grip apart. Problematically, Cash ducks down and the elbows miss entirely. This permits Cash to laboriously shove Bohemoth into the ropes, in hopes of pulling him down into a roll up. But the mastadon stays upright, and Cash is forced to roll backs. Bohemoth swings around, an with rage filling his face charges at Cash. But the former tag team champion greets him by dragging him into a small package….

ONE!

COLE
This could be it!

TWO!


Bohemoth shoves Cash away from him, ending the pinfall.

“THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE!”

Bohemoth looks dismayed, knowing that the crowd has a very good point. He comes to his feet and takes aim at Cash with a lariat. But Cash counters by swinging behind his opponent and catching him with a neckbreaker.

COLE
Things are looking great for Tim Cash and bad for Bohemoth.

KRISTA
It could be worse, he could be lactating again. Although I hear his breast milk fetches a pretty penny on the internet.

Cash heads to the top rope, popping the sold out Glendale audience. He steadies himself on the turnbuckle before flying off with an elbow drop that connects with Bohemoth’s chest! The referee drops into position to count the fall….

ONE!


TWO!


Bohemoth hurls Cash into the air to end the pinfall!

“LET’S GO TIMMY! LET’S GO TIMMY! LET’S GO TIMMY!”

COLE
The OAOAST Galaxy getting behind one of their favorites.

Cash pulls Bohemoth up by the arm, and tags him with a series of elbow strikes. This weakens the huge grappler and causes Cash to take off to the ropes. But when he returns, Bohemoth flourishes forward and drops him to the canvas with a shoulder tackle! A cover is made….

ONE!


TWO!



Cash kicksout the pinfall.

BOHEMOTH
COUNT TO THREE, MORON!

“BOHEMOTH SUCKS! BOHEMOTH SUCKS! BOHEMOTH SUCKS!”

BOHEMOTH
I DON’T SUCK! I’M THE FACE OF THIS COMPANY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Bohemoth’s rage is directed back at Krista who once again is standing atop the announce table.

KRISTA
Well, honey, you obviously have the market cornered on being the face of the OAOAST. But there are other anatomical parts belonging to other superstars. Christian Wright is the feet of the OAOAST, because he stinks like hell, James Riggs is the mouth because he both sucks and blows, and your’s truly am of course the breasts of the OAOAST. Because I’m big, I’m gawked at, and I…uh provide nourishment for my young? I ran out of good comparisons at the end.

BOHEMOTH
GET DOWN! ITS ALL ABOUT ME!

KRISTA
It is all about you the face of this fine company, and I figure if the face is getting so much exposure, shouldn’t the breasts get equal exposure?

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Krista unhooks her bra!



COLE
Oh my!

COACH
Go ahead and take me now lord, for life can get no better than this.

Bohemoth stomps about the ring like a mad man, enraged at having been once again shown up. Problematically he carries himself into the direction of a crowd popping missile dropkick from Cash!

COLE
Tim Cash with a crowd pleasing move after Krista’s crowd pleasing move!

Cash motions Bohemoth to his feet, while hopping back and forth on his.

COLE
I think Timmy has gotten the feeling he can win this match.

KRISTA
Well, he wouldn’t have issued the challenge if he didn’t feel he could win. Unless he enjoys groping overly muscular partially retarded apes. Which wouldn’t be a surprise, all things considered.

Bohemoth finally gets to his feet, and encounters a Backbrain Wheelkick from the former EMT.

“TIMMY! TIMMY! TIMMY!” the fans chant, as Cash fires them up.

COLE
I think we’re going to see a big upset, Coach!

COACH
I just wanna see some more big bosoms!

Cash grabs onto Bohemoth’s gigantic legs and begins turning him over into a Midwest Sling (Texas Cloverleaf). Though the task is difficult, Cash manages to fully apply his trademark finisher! The fans get to their feet, and demand that Bohemoth tap to the painful hold.

COLE
Will Bohemoth submit for the first time in his career?

Bohemoth crawls to the ropes, using his amazing strength to pull Tim Cash along. But the ultimate good guy holds firms, and uses every droplet of strength in his body to try and tug the big man back towards the center of the ring.

“TAP! TAP! TAP!”

COLE
It’s a battle of will versus strength!

Unable to get to the ropes, Bohmeoth summons his mighty dominance to power himself out the hold. Cash is flung forward, and the crowd is instantly disappointed by the submission’s failure.

KRISTA
That move he did there, I don’t understand it, why didn’t he just pull out his billy club and bash him in the kneecap?

COLE
Um, that would’ve been a disqualification.

KRISTA
Yes, but it would’ve been so entertaining.

Cash gets the audience back into the contest by clapping his hands together. While the crowd carries on the clapping, Cash climbs up to the top turnbuckle. He stands to his full 5’11 figure before dismounting with an axe handle smash aimed at Bohemoth’s skull. But The Beast counters by clamping down on Cash’s throat!

COACH
This dude is about to get his shit pushed in!

Bohemoth transfers Cash’s arm across his, while also releasing his grip on his throat. From there he executes the B-Trayal! Cash’s body is slammed into the canvas, and promptly pinned by The Beast….

ONE!



TWO!


Bohemoth pulls Cash’s up!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BOHEMOTH
NO ONE CROSSES THE FACE OF THIS COMPANY!

Bohemoth picks Cash back off the canvas, and drapes his lifeless body across his arm. He then swings him out and hits another B-Trayal! A pinfall is then made….

ONE!



TWO!


Bohemoth once again ends the pinfall, greatly offending the crowd.

“OVERRATED! OVERRATED! OVERRATED!”

KRISTA
Overrated? You’d think Chris Bosh was in the arena.

BOHEMOTH
YOU ARE NOTHING, LITTLE MAN! YOU HEAR ME? NOTHING!

Cash is raised off his feet, and then slammed downwards by another B-Trayal.

COLE
He’s breaking Tim Cash in half, and I just don’t understand why.

BOHEMOTH
ITS ALL ABOUT ME!

Bohemoth steps onto Cash’s chest and then churlishly orders the referee to count the pinfall….

ONE!



TWO!




THREE!


DING DING DING

BUFFER
Your winner and new number one contender to the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship….BOHEMOTH!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

KRISTA
Well, that was a waste of perfectly good exhibitionism.

Bohemoth leans over the ropes and begins shouting at Krista.

KRISTA
Durr-durr-durr my name is Bohemoth and I have both male and female reproductive organs.

Bohemoth turns to the camera and repeatedly yells “ITS ALL ABOUT ME” as we…

FADE OUT