Chanel #99 Posted April 5, 2013 Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 -OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES- -TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK- -THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT- "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Yes, boos are not usually the way HeldDOWN starts. And, when it is, that's usually a bad sign. But there's a reason, as BOHEMOTH has commandeered the ring and is pacing around angrily. COLE Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to HeldDOWN, live from San Diego, where we've got an unusual start to the show. Upset at his defeat this past Sunday at School's Out, Bohemoth has taken the show hostage and is refusing to leave until Krista comes out and gi... BOHEMOTH C'mon Krista! GET OUT HERE! COACH Keep quiet Cole. This show is all about Bo. Not you. Bohemoth continues to pace, with no sign of the World Champion. BOHEMOTH Alf! Alfdogg, if you know what's good for you, you'll go find Krista and you'll send her ass out here, right now! Because I'm not going anywhere! "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" BOHEMOTH I'm not going anywhere until I damn well want to! Get her out here! Get her out here NOW! I swear, I... Suddenly, Bohemoth is cut off... ...not by Krista, but by "Not My Time" by 3 Doors Down! And much to Bohemoth's bemusement, instead of the World Champion, he gets TIM CASH! "YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" COACH What is this sap doing out here!? Bohemoth stares at Tim, confused. CASH I'm sorry to interrupt, but since I couldn't see Miss Krista anywhere back there, so you're going to have to deal with me instead. BOHEMOTH ......YOU!? YOU!? HA! I don't give a damn about you, get Krista out here! CASH With all due respect, you may not give a darn about me. But I do give a darn, sir. I give a darn about what you did to me a couple of weeks ago. And what you've been doing these past few weeks in general. You see, these great fans here in San Diego came to see a great wrestling show here tonight and you're denying them that. And you seem to think that you can just push people around and get your own way. Well, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong, Bohemoth. You can't call all the shots around here, just because you're big. BOHEMOTH Oh yeah? Why don't you come down here and see how that theory holds up, huh!? C'mon tough guy! CASH I'm not going to do that. Not now. But, that's not because I'm afraid of you. Getting into a brawl with you won't solve anything. But next week, I'll fight with you. Right in the middle of that ring. I want a match with you, one on one, next week, man to man Bohemoth. Because what you are is a bully. You've been bullying wrestlers, announcers, production staff. Innocent people. And I'm here to tell you that nobody likes a bully! "YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COACH Oh, please. CASH There are a lot of fine young people who watch this television show. And I'm sure some of them have dealt with people like you. Whether it's at school, or elsewhere. Well, next week, I'm going to show everybody watching that sometimes, you have to stand up to a bully. To show that that kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated. And next week, I'm going to show you that you cannot bully me. BOHEMOTH Oh yeah!? We'll see what you're saying next week, after I snap your neck and...Give me those bright lights, long nights High rise, over time Give me them bright lights, long nights Party till the sun is rising High rise, over time Working till the moon is shining Hot guys, fly girls Never thought I'd say I feel on top of the world I feel on top of the world Hey "YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" COLE Whu-oh! Despite being annoyed at being interrupted, Bohemoth is somewhat relieved as well and screams "THANK YOU!" as finally, the World Champion appears! Looking glamorous as ever, Krista casually lowers her expensive white sunglasses and motions Tim to hand her his microphone. Which, being a gentleman, he does. KRISTA Alright, who's the son of a bitch who's been yelling my name enough to cause some lowlife, presumably still unconscious busybody to come running into my dressing room telling me I need to go to the ring? (*jabs Tim in the chest*) Was it you!? Huh!? Was it!? CASH No Maam! Not me, I swear! BOHEMOTH HEY! Krista! KRISTA Oh jeez. You again? Really? Can I never just beat someone and have them go away? Alright, what is it? But make it quick, I've got to help unveil half-naked pictures of my daughter later so I'm going to need to get some valium in my system nice and early tonight. BOHEMOTH Quit fooling around and shut up! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" BOHEMOTH Everybody knows what happened last Sunday was a fluke! You know it! These people know it! I should be the champion! ME! That belt should be around MY WAIST! I had you beat! KRISTA Well, clearly you didn't. That's a lie. BOHEMOTH It. Was. A. FLUKE! KRISTA Fluke? Honey, I've beaten practically every single person who's ever so much as run those ropes a couple of times. I don't do flukes. No, what I did was some kind of wrestling move, I dunno which, all that matters is I pinned you, which means I won and you lost. That's how wrestling works. BOHEMOTH You know you got lucky, whether you want to admit it or not! I threw you around like a child, I beat you until you were whimpering! You got one move, ONE LUCKY MOVE on me! I HAD you! I swear, if I'd hit you with the B-Trayal, I'd be the World Champion right now! KRISTA Quit lying. Why do you keep lying like that? Here, I'll tell you what. Tim, you're one of those nice-guy can't tell a lie types, right? CASH Yes Maam. KRISTAI hate your kind so much... BUT, seeing as you cannot tell a lie, how about I ask you a question? Since you'll be completely honest and truthful. Who won the match at School's Out, me or Bohemoth? CASH You did, Krista. KRISTA"You did Krista"... ugh... SO, second question. Do you think I got lucky by defeating our over-inflated friend here? CASH You won with a wrestling hold. That's a fair and just win in my book, Krista. And it was a great one too. KRISTAWay to be an ass licker... you disgust me... ALRIGHT, one more question. Do you think Bohemoth is an assexual wierdo with a smaller than average penis and is in some way compensating for this with the way he dresses, the way he treats people and his evident love for bodybuilding? CASH I... I don't know about that. KRISTA Having been in the ring with him and been placed in various compromising positions by the man, I can only summise that the answer is "yes, or it was cold and I didn't notice". Thank you for playing. By the way, I don't hate you. I just hate that you're happy. That angers me. No offence. CASH Oh, none taken Krista! KRISTAI want to stab you in the fac... AHEM! Sorry. So, Bohemoth. The truth hurts, doesn't it? You lost and I seriously suggest that you get over it. But, in the likely event that you don't, I'll be more than happy to prove to you and to anyone else who cares and is similiarly deluded, that me beating you was no fluke. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just realised I'm old enough to have a daughter posing for saucy pictures without it being considered any more than slightly weird by general society and I need to go deal with that. So long. As Krista takes off, Tim follows behind, waving goodbye to the crowd. Bohemoth stands, watching on, quietly seething. BOHEMOTH Krista... I swear, you haven't heard the last of me! You will NOT get up from my B-Trayal! I PROMISE you that! And soon, this show WILL... BE ALL... ABOUT... ME!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 We return from commercial break with “Sexual Eruption” playing over the sound system. Strutting down the entrance ramp is the former pimp known as Lucius Soul. There’s no need for him to pick his fro today as Queen Esther’s personal stylist, Sophie, does it for him. COLE Lucius Soul all set for action here on HeldDOWN~! And he has to be hoping he can turn the fortunes of the Kingdom around with a win over Oscar Friberg. All I Got by Natasha Bedingdfield plays as the cameras scan the arena for the man known as Oscar Friberg. They finally find him, sitting on the stairwell in the mezzanine level with a raven perched on his shoulder. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of twenty minutes! Now making his way to the ring from Amsterdam, Netherlands…..OSCAR THE FREEBIRD FRIIIIBBBBBBEEEEEEERRRRRGGGG! Oscar heads down the stairway, slapping hands with every fan he passes. BUFFER And his opponent, from New Orleans, Lousiana, he is accompanied by SOPHIE…..LUCIUS SWEET SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLL! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the audience derides Soul as he busts out agile breakdancing moves. DING DING DING Lucius follows orders and leaps at Oscar with a sidekick. The Dutchman ducks the attack, however. When Lucius comes down on his feet he’s met with a wave of punches from the rookie. The New Orleans native takes these in stride and nails Oscar in the stomach with a knee. He snapmares him over, and then bounces off the ropes. He comes back to kick Oscar in the back. SOPHIE Détruisez l'oiseau! Oscar is brought to his feet and hurled into the ropes. After bouncing back, he’s nailed in the stomach with a brown loafer. Lucius then does the splits, and uppercuts Oscar in the jaw. COACH Now that was an impressive! Soul pins Oscar to the canvas for the first cover of the contest…. ONE! Oscar lifts his shoulder off the canvas well before the two count. He can do no more than that as Soul mounts him and rains down punches onto his forehead. After being warned about a closed fist, Soul makes another cover… ONE! TWO! Oscar gets his shoulder up! The Amsterdam native rolls to his feet where he encounters a series of knife edge chops from Lucius. The former pimp then takes him onto his shoulders in set up for the Fro2Sleep. COLE Could this be it for the rookie! To Sophie and Lucius’ surprise, Oscar rolls down the former HI-YAH tag champs back for a pinfall! ONE! TWO! Soul finds his way out the pinfall. He springs to his feet, and takes aim at Oscar with a spinning back fist. But Oscar ducks the attack and runs the ropes. He returns to nail Lucius in the face with a dropkick! That shot knocks Soul to the ground and the beleaguered wrestler rolls onto the ring apron. COLE Lucius Soul seems to be in need of a break. I wonder if he’s catching Rico’s bad habit of having poor cardio. COACH You mistake poor cardio for efficiently conserving energy. Lucius uses the ropes to pull himself up, and sees Oscar approaching. When the rookie reaches him, Lucius uses his shoulder to double him over. The Black Knight then sunset flips into the ring. However, Oscar refuses to be brought down, and instead drops onto Lucius shoulders for a pinfall… ONE! TWO! Kickout! Sophie stomps about the outside area, fuming at the lack of a three count. She watches Oscar pull Soul to his feet and whip him into the cables. Soul returns to attempt to leap frog Oscar. But problematically, Oscar just catches him with an inverted atomic drop. The pain hasn’t even a moment to register before Oscar rolls him up into a pinfall… ONE! TWO! Kickout! A frustrated Soul gets to his feet, and swings for the fences with a lariat. He whiffs entirely as Oscar drops down and sweeps his legs out to drop him to the canvas. COLE The Freebird is starting to take off in this match. COACH Soul needs to start matching this kid’s speed otherwise he’s gonna cause the Queen to have a fit. Oscar points to the corner, drawing a pop from the sold out audience. He elevates to the top rope, and the fans cheer even louder. They expect a high risk move, but all they get is him being crotched thanks to Sophie swatting his legs. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the audience jeers as Sophie tells them to fermez la bouche! COLE Outside of Faqu and Daisuke dominating opponents, things haven’t been looking so bright for the Kingdom since Anglemania Ten with King Landon in hiding, and Rico falling in defeat to this rookie. Soul climbs to the top rope, and snatches The Freebird inside a front facelock. He then bridges backwards, nailing the youngster with a superplex! Lucius massages his ultra cool fro before grabbing onto Oscar’s legs for a pinfall… ONE! TWO! No, Oscar kicksout! SOPHIE Merde! Oscar comes to his feet to encounter a juking and jiving Lucius Soul. The former pimp takes aim with a series of punches, that weaken Oscar. This allows him to take him onto his shoulders in preparation for the Fro2Sleep! COLE The move popularized by Landon Maddix but used in tribute by Lucius Soul. COACH How is it in tribute if he used it before he even joined the Kingdom? COLE Why don’t you suck a fart out my hairy asshole? While Coach throws up at that thought, Oscar slips out the hold and once again rolls Soul into a pinfall. But Soul rolls out the fall, and comes back with a kick aimed at Oscar’s head. The Dutchman ducks the attack and grabs hold of Lucius into a roll up! ONE! TWO! THREE! DING DING DING BUFFER Your winner as a result of a pinfall….OSCAR FRIBERG! Before Oscar’s music can even fire back up, Faqu strikes down the youngster from behind. COACH Uh-oh. He’s in trouble! Faqu sets Friberg up for the Death by Samoan underhook pile driver. Oscar tries to squirm free of the hold, but can’t wiggle out the big man’s tough grip. Lady luck is on his side however, as the CHRIST AIR EXPRESS hit the ring. Faqu sees red and charges them with double lariats. The twin brothers duck the attack, and raise up to dropkick Faqu out the ring! “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Faqu is eager to return to do battle with the Canadian duo, but Lucius painstakingly holds him back. The former pimp meets up with Sophie and the Kingdom contigent retreats to the back. COLE Thank god for the Christ Air Express. Who knows what could’ve been done to The Freebird? The CAE raise Oscar’s arm in triumph, allowing him to bask in the glory of his hard earned victory. COLE Folks, stay tuned for more HeldDOWN~! live from San Diego, California!COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 THE MILLION FOOL MARCH A FILM BY MOLLY NERDLY The famous Siclopse camera is turned on….MOLLY NERDLY MOLLY Hi, wrestling and film fans I’m on the streets of Los Angeles with Abdullah Abir Nerdly and many members of The Church of Abdullah. Molly turns the camera to find the Church of Abdullah marching down a posh Los Angeles neighborhood. MOLLY (OS) I can’t believe you commandeered my camera and filmmaking services for this nonsense. ABDULLAH Nonsense! Nonsense she says, my children! But is this nonsense to you? FOLLOWERS NO! ABDULLAH What is this? FOLLOWERS THIS IS TRUTH! THIS IS LIGHT! THIS IS GOD’S WAY! MOLLY (OS) I have more important things to film like the mating rituals of the Saskatoon mud fly and the trials of tribulations of children who’s parents have a maple syurp fetish. I simply don’t have time for this! ABDULLAH You have all the time in the world to do god’s bidding!REJECT walks onto screen. REJECT Lighten up, will ya? MOLLY (OS) You’re here to? REJECT Of course I am. The whole church is inducted in this army. MOLLY (OS) Everyone? REJECT From Holly to TKid to Quiz to Logan and Synth the gang is all here. MOLLY Lovely. You do realize we’re holding up traffic? BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! REJECT Let ‘em honk, they’re driving in the name of their fat asses to McDonalds, we’re marching in the name of the lord to Natalie Portman’s house. MOLLY (OS) That’s where you all are going? ABDULLAH Do not think, dear sister, that a servant of the lord would be assaulted as I was without punishment for the aggressor! I have gathered god’s finest warriors ABDULLAH I didn’t say they were all god’s finest warriors. But regardless their heart is in the right place and they march to strike down the perverse sinner and godless devil worshiper known as Natalie Portman. MOLLY (OS) Golly! I’ve always wanted to meet her! ABDULLAH Tonight, she’ll meet you and her demise! Abdullah and his followers finally reach the Oscar winner’s house. Abdullah strides up the steps and rings the door bell. DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG! ABDULLAH By the heavens! Answer the door! DING DONG! ABDULLAH You will not escape god’s wrath, sinner! DING DONG! ABDULLAH Come out and receive your punishment! MOLLY (OS) Did you ever consider the fact that she might not be home? REJECT ABDULLAH That….did not occur to me. Then we wait! We wait, my children!THIRTY MINUTES LATER MOLLY (OS) I’m running out of battery. After a long and torturous wait a red Jetta pulls into the driveway. ABDULLAH The witch arrives! From the car stepsALIX MARIA SPEZIA andNATALIE PORTMAN ABDULLAH And she is in consort with the devil’s hand maiden! ALIX Oh my god! A surprise party! For me! And you bought a midget impersonator of Abdullah Abir Nerdly. Far out! And a Molly Nerdly impersonator. She’s not a midget. Is she a stripper? Come on and get nekkid~! MOLLY I assure you I am no stripper. NATALIE And I didn’t throw you a surprise party. What are you all doing here? ABDULLAH We’re doing god’s will! ALIX Natalie, I think I can handle this. Don't try to compare us to another bad little fad I'm the Mac and I'm bad give you something that you never had I'll make ya Bump Bump wiggle and shake your rump Cause I'll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna Jump How high? Real high Cause I'm just so fly. A young loveable, huggable type of guy. NATALIE Alix, you’re just singing Kriss Kross. ALIX Yeah, so? NATALIE Its…well…not actually doing anything. ALIX Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this Some of them try to rhyme but they can't NATALIE Why are you singing Kriss Kross anyway? ALIX Cause I'm the miggida miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy. Miggida miggida miggida miggida Mac. Cause I'm the miggida miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy. Miggida miggida miggida miggida Mac NATALIE That answers…absolutely nothing. REJECT Enough of this crap! Look, bitch, NATALIE Bitch? REJECT You punched a man of the cloth in the mouth at School’s Out! NATALIE Bitch? REJECT You knocked him out! NATALIE Bitch? REJECT Must have been a lucky shot. NATALIE Bitch? REJECT But, it happened. And now you’ve got to pay the cost to the piper. NATALIE Bitch? REJECT So we can take care of this business a few ways. We can-POW! REJECT NATALIE Who’s the bitch now, bitch? ALIX Oooooohhhhh shhhiiiiiiiiittttttt! In the immortal words of Smokey From Friday “You got knocked the fucked out!” ABDULLAH Attack! Attack! BIFFMAN (OS) I think not. Biffman swoops onto the scene, shielding Natalie and Alix from the angered Church. FOLLOWER 1 Biffman? FOLLOWER 2 I didn’t come to fight a superhero. FOLLOWER 3 I heard that nigga killed Tupac. FOLLOWER 4 Daddy told me never fuck with a nigga who wears yellow. I’m gone. FOLLOWER 5 Me to! ABDULLAH I’ll make you all regret the day you ever crossed the speaker of the propehts! Abdullah and the church beat a hasty retreat, running back the way they game. ALIX Let’s celebrate! With a song! I make you wanna NATALIE AND BIFFMAN Jump Jump! ALIX The Mac Dad will make you NATALIE AND BIFFMAN Jump Jump! ALIX The Daddy Mac will make you NATALIE AND BIFFMAN Jump Jump!COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 We return from commercial break with a ring that's highlighted by orange and purple spotlights. Standing inside them is Terry Taylor! TERRY Ladies and gentlemen… THE SOONER BRUISERS! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"Big Pimpin’ by Jay-Z plays the brother combo of Big Frank and Uber to the ring. COLE The Sooner Bruisers made a big impact this past Sunday night at School’s Out. COACH Not only were they Deuce Deuce Bigelow’s mystery partners, Big Frank revealed himself as Malaysia’s secret admirer. Then he choked her out for the win. COLE As I said during the show, the disturbing thing is, Malaysia liked it. She really liked it. Big Frank enters the squared circle in a stylish black tracksuit with gold trim, whereas brother Uber is dressed in typical street attire. TERRY Guys, it‘s great to see you back in the OAOAST. BIG FRANK (wipes forehead) Whew! Excuse me if I’m brief tonight Terry Taylor, I had quite a workout…running through Malaysia’s mind all day. COACH Uh-oh. COLE You can bet Mr. Dick won’t be pleased to hear that. BIG FRANK See Terry, I can spot a frustrated woman a mile away. And it’s pretty obvious Malaysia isn’t being properly satisfied. Mr. Dick promises to take her to the Milky Way, but instead of riding the Big Dipper to the promise land she flies coach on a limp dick. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” BIG FRANK Well there’s nothing on four wheels that I can’t drive and nothing on two legs that I can’t ride. Malaysia experienced that firsthand at School’s Out when the man with the largest arms in the galaxy made her back cracked, liver quiver and the inner walls of her thighs go BOOMSHAKALAKA! COLE He’s on fire! BIG FRANK But that was just the appetizer. Now it’s time for the main course. On the menu, two fine dishes that mix together create a big bang. A bang all my freakazoids have gotten the thrust of, hence why they call me Big Papa Thrust. COACH Or B.P.T. for short, Cole. COLE The initials engraved on the very personal item given to Malaysia a few weeks ago. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The OAOAST Galaxy lets their disapproval be known when ABDULLAH NERDLY walks to the ring shaking his head. COLE Fresh off being chased out of Los Angeles county by Natalie Portman its Abdullah Abir Nerdly. TERRY Abdullah Nerdly! You have no business out here. ABDULLAH Just like that man has no business trying to seduce a woman in a committed relationship. BIG FRANK What are you, Mr. Dick’s messenger boy? ABDULLAH No, a friend. BIG FRANK Then tell your friend if he’s gotta problem with Big Papa Thrust to bring his ass out to the ring and say it to my face. ABDULLAH Brother Dick would be most happy to oblige, but unfortunately he isn’t here tonight. UBER He’s chicken. *howls* ABDULLAH I see the cat didn’t cut the tongue. Uber snarls, causing Abby to step back. ABDULLAH For your information, Brother Dick and Sister Malaysia decided to stay home to enjoy the good book. TERRY The good book?! I thought religion wasn’t Mr. Dick’s thing? ABDULLAH Oh, no, not that good book. I speak of Kama Sutra. Rest assure, Malaysia is being properly satisfied this evening. Something a man in your condition will NEVER be able to do. BIG FRANK TERRY Look out! Out of nowhere, THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS ambush the Sooner Bruisers. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE It was a damn setup! COACH Setup? Abdullah was about to be attacked and the Heavenly Rockers came to his aid. COLE Bologna. Quiz slides a CHAIR into the ring before going over to guard Abdullah. But the Heavenly Rockers don’t get a chance to use the weapon because Big Papa Thrust fires back at Logan as Uber reverses a whip by Synth and executes a release overhead belly-to-belly suplex! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Abdullah gives Quiz the signal and the big man levels Uber with a BIG BOOT! Meanwhile, Abdullah pulls a small bag out of his robe and throws POWDER in the eyes of Big Papa Thrust! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" A wicked left hook decks BPT. Then with his arms pinned down by Synth and legs spread open by Quiz, BPT watches helplessly as Logan grabs the steel chair and goes up top on Abdullah’s orders. COACH They’re going for the jugular, Cole. COLE Now there’s no doubt, as if there was any, who the mastermind of all this is. It was just last year Mr. Dick nearly experienced what Big Papa Thrust is about to. "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Abdullah hears the roar and bails as DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW hits the ring. COLE Deuce’s wild! COACH I knew you were gonna say that. Deuce levels Synth and slams Logan off the top to thunderous applause. Next he comes face to face with Quiz. COLE What a showdown this is. COACH Quiz isn’t intimidate, Cole. COLE Neither is Deuce. Blows are exchange following some words. As the two men battle near the ropes, Deuce ducks a clothesline and knocks Quiz over the top with one of his own. Incredibly, Quiz lands on both feet and wants back at Deuce, but the Heavenly Rockers and Abdullah restrain him. “Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody” cues and the good guys stand tall inside the squared circle. OAOAST officials now present to ensure things remain calm. COLE If Mr. Dick wants Big Papa Thrust out of the way, he’s going to have to get the job done himself because his plan backfired tonight.COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 Back inside the ring, standing within blue and red spotlights is Terry Taylor. TERRY Welcome back to OAOAST HeldDOWN~! My guest at this time is a man who made his debut at School’s Out attacking Alexander The Brutal. We don’t know his name but we do know he’s dangerous. Please give him a warm OAOAST welcome! :Cue:: No one man should have all that power The clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours Stop trippin’, I’m trippin’ off the power ‘Til then, fuck that, the world’s ours This mystery man strolls through a cloud of blue smoke to emerge onto the entrance stage. He raises his fist and white pyro pillars explode into the air. This does not do much to impress the audience who shower him with jeers. COACH Would you look at this guy? He looks like a Norse god, or something! The man enters the ring by stepping over the orange ropes. He strides to Mattthews, towering over the frightened announcer. MAN Speak now, child or forever silence your words. TERRY I think the question on every one’s mind is who are you? MAN I am beyond such a question. To ask who am I is to ask who is the sun, or who is the sky, or who is the moon? It is to assign to human characteristics to a being who is decidedly not human. TERRY You’re not human? MAN Do not enfeeble me with that type of question! TERRY Sorry, sir. MAN Your apologies mean little to me. As does your quest for information, what I am does not concern you. TERRY But we’re all curious, if you’re not human, what are you? MAN I am he who rides the horse Sleipnir and wields the spear Gungnir. I am he who rules over Asgard, and will lead the armies of good at Ragnarok. Terry takes a moment to ponder what he’s heard. TERRY Hold on, that sounds like the Norse god Odin. MAN That is the name your ancestors have given me. TERRY Are you saying you’re a god? ODIN I am nothing more, nor am I anything less. TERRY That’s a weird one, even for this place! ODIN My ears must be mistaking me. Did you just call me weird? TERRY N-n-no sir!Devil Without A Cause by Kid Rock plays and turns all head to the entry way. Stepping through parted entrance doors is Badass Jack, Remy Bazil, and Sloppy Joe. COLE And it looks like things could be getting very ugly here tonight! Badass Jack twirls his trusty knife as his compatriots trail behind him. After they enter the ring, the knife is replaced with a microphone. BADASS JACK Listen, bub- ODIN Bub? Do you know to whom you speak?! BADASS JACK I don’t give a shit if I’m talking to Jesus Christ. If I was I’d nail his ass to cross a second time if he did what you did to me. REMY Now, now, there’s no need for this, friends. BADASS JACK Shut up, Cajun. This long haired bastard has a lot to answer to, and he’s going to do it now. ODIN If I would not bow before the god of mischief Loki, what makes you think I’d bow before you? Badass Jack pulls out his KNIFE. TERRY First a sexual harassment suit, now a knife fight, I didn’t sign up for this! ODIN You dare to threaten a god with such a weak weapon! BADASS JACK We’re gonna see how weak it is, when its driven straight into your stomach! REMY If we could all just calm down and relax for a bit. TERRY That’s a good idea. Uh….Odin, your uh, highness? ODIN Lordship. TERRY Lordship. We all would like to know why you attacked The Last Kings of Scotland and Alexander The Brutal at School’s Out. ODIN Your memory is as feeble as your mortal form. I did not attack Danny Boy, nor did I assault Scottish Scott. The entirety of my wrath was laid upon Alexander The Brutal. BADASS JACK And that cost us the six man titles, so you better come up with a damn good answer. ODIN Be mindful of your tone, mortal. Alexander The Brutal is worshipped as a God should be worshiped. He’s feared for his strength, and revered for his power. He is considered to be the king of war, battle, victory, and death. Allow me to enlighten you, simple creatures, I AM THE GOD! I am the one who should be worshiped, I am the one who is the king of war, battle, victory, and death. Alexander’s very existence is an insult to me! I hold it as my duty as a GOD to end his blasphemous rule. BADASS JACK I don’t give a shit about any of that. What about our six man titles? ODIN If it weakens Alexander, I will do whatever it takes to make sure he is no longer owns those titles. If it benefits you, then fine. If it benefits someone else, then so be it. We cut backstage where Megan Skye is watching is this with Alexander The Brutal. MEGAN I don’t like this. Not one bit. ALEXANDER I fail to see the problem. MEGAN We’ve dealt with The Kingdom and Landon. Landon’s just some scrawny loon that thinks he’s a king. This man is some MUSCULAR loon that thinks he’s a GOD. That doesn’t worry you? ALEXANDER He is a man. He bleeds like any other. He dies like any other. Alexander walks off with Megan left behind to ponder his future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 We return from commercial break to an arena that's bathed in green and gold spotlights. Our focus is on Double C. COLE Welcome back, folks! Its time for the moment you've all been waiting for: the unvieling of Maya Duncan-Blanchard's OAOAST The Magazine Pictures! COACH Its about time. I had to sit through that Oscar Friberg twerp, and that smelly Sloppy Joe to get to this. But its all been worth it! COLE Josh? Josh Matthews stands backstage in the Duncan family locker room where the whole gang along with Ned sits next to several stands covered in red drapes. JOSH Hello, OAOAST Galaxy! I am Josh Matthews and I am backstage in the Duncan family locker room. KRISTA Dressing room. Locker rooms, are where Bohemoth and Quiz injected each other with needles and Michael Cole lives out his gay Penthouse Forum fantasies. JOSH Sorry. I did mean dressing room. We’re with a very excited Duncan family as we approach the unveiling of Maya Duncan Blanchard’s OAOAST the magazine pictures, something all of the OAOAST Galaxy has been waiting for! KRISTA Are you saying the OAOAST Galaxy, has been lusting after my youngest daughter behind my back? Because surely their collective desires to not have me march into the stands and pummel them with a field hockey stick would overwhelm that lust. MAYA Don’t hate on them because they think I’m hot. KRISTA Would they think you’re so hot if I told them you peed in the tub during every bath up until you were six? MAYA I…uh…don’t….know…daddy! NED Lay of the kid, she’s got a hot a mom, and a handsome father- KRISTA That last one is debatable. NED It just makes damn good sense she’s gonna wanna show off those genetic gifts, and every body is gonna wanna see ‘em. ALIX Yeah just be glad she’s not recording sex tapes with overly effeminate Ed Hardy models. JADE Was that aimed at me? ALIX Totally! Anyway, this is going to be awesome, this is like, Ned, who the straight part of me has always totally wanted to bone jumping into a vat, and Krista, who the gay part of me has boned like a gazillion times, jumping into the vat, then god starts swishing things around and out pops a half naked babe with none of the world weary bitterness of Krista or the stalled career baggage of Ned. Its like here’s this fresh and innocent creature, ripe and bred for my sexual pleasure, ready to lay down and let me devour her every body part. KRISTA Getting a little weird there. MAYA Come on! Show the pictures! You’re giving my adoring public a case of blue balls. JOSH Okay, first up. JOSH Wowza! KRISTA Wowza? Is that to imply you’re impressed by my daughter’s backside? JOSH Well, yeah! KRISTA And is that to imply you’re attracted to my daughter’s backside? Josh stops to think long and hard about the trap Krista is luring him into. JOSH Well, now, wait a second…. MAYA So you’re not attracted to me? So you think I’m ugly? So you think Jade is prettier? JOSH I didn’t say any of that! Maybe, we should go to the next picture. ALIX Pink is my new favorite colour. KRISTA Jade, you’ve been awfully quiet. And I think I know why. Go ahead and show your boobs, sweetie. JADE Mom! MAYA Yeah, no way. She had her chance, and she sobbed into a bucket of Cookies and Cream ice cream until I went and stopped it from coming out. This is my time! KRISTA Maya don’t be a spotlight hog. Jade, it’ll be fine. Just take your shirt off. JADE I don’t want to! KRISTA No one’s going to point or laugh, or that you’re the least endowed girl in the room, or comment how your mother’s are so much larger and perkier despite being twice your age, or say that your’s are oddly sagging for a girl your age and that you really should consider implants. JADE Mom! KRISTA If I’m willing to pay for them, why won’t you get them? Do you enjoy having the chest of a 65 year old woman? JADE Can we move on? JADE Are you wearing a headband in the tub? MAYA It’s a skin revitalizing band, stupid. At least I don’t wear a Spongebob Squarepants flotation device into the pool like you do. KRISTA Better yet are you not wearing clothes? I specifically told that photographer to dress you in that ankle length 1900’s swim suit, now I see I have another name to add to my to kill list. And what about you, Ned, your daughter is naked. NED Hahahha, you sound a little jealous. KRISTA I am jealous. Alix, am I wearing pants? ALIX Yeah. KRISTA Well, I won't be in a second, and we'll see how jealous I should be. MAYA Mom, no! ALIX Yeee haw! This is awesome, its like if Krista is too heavy for you, and thick for you to gulp down, then you’ve got a nice skinny, lite version to gulp down. KRISTA Did you just call me fat? JADE Ha! Now you know how it feels! KRISTA Honey, those Weight Watcher TV dinners aren’t in there for me…. MAYA Enough about you all! This is about me! JADE See, I told you, she’d get a big head! MAYA Don’t be hatin ‘cause your shinning moment of beauty came on a scrawny weakling’s grainy camera phone. The verdict is in! The people love me! KRISTA You looked great, sweetie. JOSH You sure did! But not so great that you, Krista, might think I’m having sexual thoughts about her. Because I assure you I am not! I am most definitely not! Not that that means I don't find you attractive....I'm just trying to avoid getting beat up. We cut to the Enterprise dressing room, where CMJ and Lorelei watch this while Spencer sadly eats ice cream on the couch. CMJ Hehheheheh, you went out with the wrong daughter, Spencah! SPENCER Shut up and let me drown my sorrows in this tub of raspberry swirl. LORELEI This is unbearable! I will not stand for this. A child taking away my spotlight? Noooooooooo, I swear on everything holy that I will grab the attention focused on Maya, and put it upon myself! 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Chanel #99 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 We return to ringside with our view focused on Double C and the arena shrouded in red, purple and orange lights. COLE Ladies and gentlemen, due to what transpired earlier tonight involving the Sooner Bruisers and Heavenly Rockers, OAOAST officials have signed a tag match for next week between the two teams. In addition, Quiz and Deuce Deuce Bigelow will meet TONIGHT. As a matter of fact, that match is next! “Khyber Pass” hits and the Colonel leads Quiz down the aisle. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied by COLONEL ABDULLAH NERDLY… from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, weighing 277 pounds... Quiz yanks Buffer aside for a brief word. BUFFER Presenting “THE BEAST OF SIN CITY”… QUUUUIIIIZZZZZZZZ!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Are you kidding me? COACH What’s got your panties in a bunch now? COLE I happen to know for a fact that the “Beast of Sin City” was a moniker given to Deuce Deuce Bigelow during his pre-gigolo days as a nightclub bouncer. Quiz claiming the name is meant to agitate the big guy. Besides, he's Canadian! COACH Well, Quiz hangs out a lot in Vegas because of his association with the Heavenly Rockers. “Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody” hits and Deuce power walks to the ring. BUFFER And his opponent… from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing 390 pounds… DEUCE DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE BIGELOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Quiz motions for Deuce to bring it… and he does. The two quick to pickup where they left off. * DINDDINGDING * COLE Here they go! Each man absorbs the other’s blows till Quiz rakes the eyes to gain the advantage. Deuce ducks a big boot after being whipped into the ropes and levels Quiz on the rebound with a spinning wheel kick! A big forearm scrambles Quiz’s brain, but he slips out of a running power slam and shoves Deuce hard into the buckle, then executes a back suplex. The cover. ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! Quiz strikes fear in every former and current student’s heart when he utters “POP QUIZ!” COACH That’s a near 400 pound man Quiz is gonna try to power bomb, Cole. Quiz clubs Deuce across the back to soften him up for the power bomb, but Deuce manages to block the attempt and counters with a SLINGSHOT that sends Quiz face-first into the top buckle! COLE Deuce just passed the Pop Quiz! Quiz stumbles into a body slam and then Deuce delivers a TOP ROPE FLYING HEADBUTT! COLE Funky Cold Medina! COACH I don’t think Quiz can kick out, Cole. The cover. ONE! TWO! THREE!!! NO!!!! Before the ref’s hand can hit the mat a third time, LOGAN “MACHO MACHO” MANN connects with a top rope double axe handle smash to the back of Deuce’s head! * DINGDINGDING * "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE The Heavenly Rockers strike again, damn it! COACH First the Colonel and now Quiz is saved. Clearly it’s divine intervention, Mikey Cole. Abdullah gives praise as his men do a number on Deuce. Following a double (Percussion) DDT, Quiz prepares to deliver a running power bomb when THE SOONER BRUISERS hit the ring, causing the Colonel and his men to seek higher ground. BUFFER Here is your winner, as result of a disqualification… DEUCE DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE BIGELOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" COLE What a war it’s going to be next week between the Heavenly Rockers and Sooner Bruisers!FADE OUT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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