OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 4/24/11

[Tony149]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

We cut directly to sofa central which features two lavishly decorated Easter baskets.

COLE
(on the phone)
Boy, if you weren't my uncle, I'd smash the dust off that fine ass.

COACH
Mikey?

COLE
(hanging up the phone)
Oh snap! My....uh....girlfriend and I...we like to joke around. Yes, that's it. Happy Easter everyone and welcome to OAOAST HeldDOWN~! We hope your holiday has been a pleasant one, its sure to get a lot more exciting as in our mainevent Spencer Reiger faces Krista Isadora Duncan!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
SPENCER REIGER VS KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN
TONIGHT!

“La ilaha illa Allah, ha la ili, hay yo
Hili b'Allah, hey, hili bay yo
We getting Arab money
We getting Arab money”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The instrumental version of Arab Money welcomes Abdullah Abir Nerdly, Holly, Quiz, Logan and Synth into the arena floor. As multicoloured spotlights fly across the venue, the group makes their way down to the ring.

COLE
Last week we saw The Rockers in a tag title match that resulted in Quiz attempting to beat down D*LUX and Spencer Reiger making the save.

COACH
And like a true simp Spencer took an ass whupping for his bitch made actions, this one at the hands of Reject and ThunderKid.

Abdullah is given a microphone and smiles to the jeering audience.

ABDULLAH
Praise be to the lord.

SYNTH
Praise be!

ABDULLAH
Peace and blessings be unto you, the lord of the worlds, his children and all those who follow him until Judgement Day. Brothers and sisters, today is a glorious day! Today is a day of celebration! It is a day of merriment and of laughter! For today is the day we see god’s army grow stronger! Today is the day we see it shine brighter! Today is the day we welcome its newest members. Members, who have agreed, to generously tithe ten percent of their OAOAST salaries to myself so that I may furnish my Las Vegas mansion that god wishes me to have.

COLE
Oh please.

ABDULLAH
Brothers and sisters, I give to you the newest members of the Church of Abdullah….REJECT and THUNDERKID!

N-n-now that that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
Cause I can't wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
Cause I cant get much wronger
Man I've been waitin' all night now
That's how long I've been on ya

To the tune of 30 Seconds To Mars’ version of “Stronger”, Reject and ThunderKid saunter onto the stage.

COLE
We saw these two attack Spencer Regier last week on HeldDOWN~! and have their hands raised by Abdullah.

Reject,  and ThunderKid enter the ring and KISS Abdullah’s hands. Reject and TK are then given microphones.

REJECT
I remember a few months back, I was approached by Felix Strutter and Ken Pantera, two guys needing their big break in this business and they asked if they could join the Deadly Alliance. “It’ll be cool!” They said. “It’ll be fun for the whole family!” They told me. And I was reluctant, because the stench of Mister Dick and Alfdogg still filled my nose so I didn’t know about letting in any new guys. But, I said sure, you guys can ride our coattails, no problem. But was it fun? Was it cool?

ThunderKid shakes his head.   

REJECT
No, it certainly wasn’t. It was the beginning of the end of the Deadly Alliance. I poisoned the waters. It was an accident but they were still poisoned.  And I never knew they were poisoned, and neither did The Kid. So we kept drinking and drinking from the water, thinking it was clean and fresh. But, it wasn’t. Not by any means. It was poisoned, and soon we felt the effects of the poison. We felt the disease creep into our minds. And it was bad, it was real bad, people. The entire Alliance was suffering and dying. First to go was Sandman, lost his edge and went out in a blaze of glory. Then Strutter and Pantera, who I had to mercy kill.

COLE
Is that what he calls that?

REJECT
Then there was only me and The Kid, and we were dying. We were on our damn deathbeds, and our lives as we knew them were coming to an end. For a while it looked like the world may never see Reject and ThunderKid again. But then a hand reached out, and voice said “Come with me, my children” And that voice and that hand belonged to Abdullah Abir Nerdly. Abdullah knew of our pain and anguish, and he said, we wouldn’t have to suffer anymore! He could heal the poison in our blood! And that’s exactly what he’s done! We are rejuvenated men, ready to take on the entire OAOAST!

COACH
Ha ha, that’s what I like to hear!

THUNDERKID
So why join Colonel Abdullah? Because the man speaks truth to power. That means his word is gospel and its coming straight from the lord. When Abdullah speaks you can’t help bust listen because that’s god speaking through him. So when he came to us and invited us to join The Church of Abdullah, we knew what we had to do, we had to join. Because that is god’s will!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

REJECT
The Deadly Alliance may be dead but Reject and ThunderKid, strive, and are alive, and are as strong as ever! And so is The Church of Abdullah, we are servants of the lord and we will defeat anyone who oppose his will! That brings us to D*LUX and the LDC Moneygang. Me, The Kid, Logan and Synth got a match with you four at In Your Parent’s Basement. Boys, that’s tough luck for you.  Because while you have the power of two teenage girls behind you, we have the power of the lord behind us.  And I think I’ll take our chances over yours.

We cut backstage to beautiful Enterprise dressing room where Colin Maguire Junior is watching the proceedings with OAOAST Women’s Champion Lorelei DeCenzo.

CMJ
What a bunch of a fhackin bullshit. I don’t want to be in any eight man match against The Church of Abdullah. The Church Of Abdullah never did anything to me. Spencah’s the one who get his idiot ass mixed up in their business.  He should be sorting that out, I shouldn’t have anything to do with that. What a chowdah head. It makes me mad thinking about what he’s done here. What if I get injured? What if I get pinned? What if I go to hell ‘cause I’m fighting a team that represents god almighty? This is too much. Too much! ARGHHHHHHHH!

Colin begins angrily shaking the flatscreen television, which causes Lorelei to raise an eyebrow in concern.

LORELEI
Shaking the TV will not solve anything, except to break it, and in turn saddle you with a bill you can’t afford.

CMJ
But it feels fhackin good, and I am fhackin pissed!

LORELEI
Your problems pale in significance to mine.

CMJ
You have problems?

LORELEI
Of course I have problems! Do you want to hear of them?

CMJ
No, I really don’t wan-

LORELEI
Good, I will tell you. My main problem is that Morgan is posing in OAOAST Magazine. I talked with Sean Puffy Combs, who I’ve been working with lately, are you familiar with him?

CMJ
I ain’t living under Mount Everest!

LORELEI
Well then, I will continue.  Mister Combs is very disappointed that its not me posing in the magazine. I’d even go as far as to say he’s irate!

CMJ
What’s it mattah anyway? All you girls get to pose at some point, right? Who cares who goes first?

LORELEI
You lunkhead! Mister Combs cares! And he cares because first is the most important, she is the premier, she is the leader, she is the girl who sets the standard for all the other girls, she is the torch bearer, and therefore she is the always the most visible and most memorable. Therefore Morgan has no business being first, because that position belongs to me! I need to be first to increase my marketing potential and brand visibility! I’m the hottest I’ve ever been, Colin, but not being first is going to send a cold wave over me.  

CMJ
What are ya going to do?

LORELEI
I’m going to overshadow Morgan Nerdly, and make appear to be nothing in the eyes of the fans while I will appear to be everything! Then and only then will Mister Combs be satisfied with me.

We cut to commercial as Lorelei nods in satisfaction with her plan.

COMMERCIAL

[Tony149]

"Clean shirt
New shoes
And I dont know where I am goin to.
Silk suit
Black tie,
I dont need a reason why.
They come runnin just as fast as they can
Coz every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man."

Briefcase close at hand, Christian Wright emerges out from the entrance way with his usual contempt for the world. Wright turns his nose up at the fans as he adjusts his tie, making his way down the aisle and brushing away the attention of the fans and their outstretched hands.

BUFFER
The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, now residing in Washington D.C... weighing two hundred and twenty five pounds. He represents THE ENTERPRISE... CCHHHRRRRIIIIISSSSSTTIIIIIAAAAANN... WWWRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGHHHHHHHHHHTT!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Setting his briefcase carefully under the turnbuckles Christian strips away his polyester jacket and tie, down to as 'casual' an attire as you're going to get from him.

BUFFER
And, in the ring, from Columbus, Ohio... MARTIN GOLD!

COLE
Singles action for Christian Wright, here on HeldDOWN. The man with the undefeated streak, over a year without a pinfall or submission against him... but, no gold to show for it.

COACH
Not everybody can be a champion. He's a champion of being undefeated though.


*DINGDINGDING*

Stripped down to his suit pants and ready to go, Wright rolls inside. But he's distracted as THEODORE MONEYMAKER and LORELEI DECENZO appear on the stage to watch.

COACH
Hey, a little moral support. Ain't that nice.

Wright, not expecting the audience, brushes it off and gets to work as Moneymaker applauds him on. Lock-up sees Gold get backed into a corner... and caught with a cheapshot as he naively expects a clean break! CW hammes away in the corner, dishing out some clubbing blows and some knifedge chops. Whipped across, Gold manages to get a boot up and catch Christian in the face though!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

The local (well, close) sees Christian dazed and charges... but gets whipped to the mat with a SNAP Powerslam!!

MONEYMAKER
HAHA! EXCELLENT!

Wright nurses a busted lip and makes his opponent pay, putting the boots to him. Picking him up, Wright then sets Gold up on his shoulders and gives him a Bank Roll!

COLE
We've been seeing and hearing signs of some friction in The Enterprise lately. But, Moneymaker seems to be making a very public show of support for his right hand man at the moment.

COACH
Yeah. Hopefully it'll shut up busybodies like you.

Wright dishes out some forearms and glances back at Moneymaker, getting the thumbs up. CW whips Gold to the ropes, setting for the Wright Off... but Gold counters, kicking CW as he ducks low! However, Wright is able to duck a clothesline and set himself again, this time for a Superkick!! Cover by Wright...


1...



2...



NO!

MONEYMAKER
YOU'VE GOT HIM! ALL DAY!

Words of encouragement continue to be shouted down at Wright, as he hammers away on Gold again. Picking him up from behind, CW locks on a waistlock. He then goes for a German Suplex... only for Gold to surprise him and turn it into a ROLLUP!

MONEYMAKER


COACH
NO NO NO!


1...



2...



NO!!!

Moneymaker just about has a heart attack, as Christian just kicks out in time.

COLE
What an upset that would have been, Christian's undefeated streak almost ended by a complete unknown!

As Gold tries to follow up, Wright catches him with a STUN GUN!

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Looking shocked as well, Wright tries to shake it off, looking up at Moneymaker who again urges him on.

COLE
Do you think Wright is getting distracted by Moneymaker being out here?

COACH
There you go again, stirring the pot. How has he been 'distracted'?

COLE
He almost got rolled up and beat ten seconds ago!

Wright waits for Gold to get up, before cutting him down with an STO! Annoyed, Wright grabs Gold by the strap of his singlet, pulling him up one more time. Hurt, Gold puts up little resistance now. And Wright decides to finish him off, hooking him up for the STOCKMARKET CRASH!!

COLE
There it is, face-first and it's all over.


1...



2...



3!!!

*DINGDINGDING*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... CCHHRRRIIIIIIISSSTTIIIIAAAANN WWRRRRIIIIIIIGGHHHTT!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MONEYMAKER


Business-like as ever, Wright's hand is raised in victory and he barely cracks a smile. Much more jovial is Moneymaker, who heads to the ring with Lorelei to offer his own congratulations before taking a microphone.

MONEYMAKER
What an incredible win! Everybody give it up for the undefeated Christian Wright! BWAHAHA!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
I don't know if I'd go so far as 'incredible'.

MONEYMAKER
Referee, get that ham n' egger out of here. (kicks Gold under the ropes) With that out of the way, I have some business to take care of. See, I've had a problem this past week. Because our 'esteemed' President, Alfdogg, has forced me into making a choice. As United States Champion, he's forced me to choose my challenger next week at In Your Parent's Basement. Alfdogg, listen up! I don't take kindly to being given ultimatums. I am the richest, most powerful person in the OAOAST. So I suggest you be more careful about crossing me. But, luckily for you... I'm fine with this. Oh yes, I'm fine with picking my opponent. Because I've come up with a solution that will benefit everyone... well, everyone who matters. BWAHAHA!

COLE
What's he talking about?

COACH
If you clam up, he'll probably tell you.

COLE
Well he did his laugh, that usually means he's going to pau...

MONEYMAKER
Alfdogg, I've made my decision. And on April 28th, I'm going to defend my OAOAST United States Championship... against TIM CASH!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

The crowd cheer, but Moneymaker laughs it off and turns to Christian.

MONEYMAKER
I'm going to defend against Tim Cash... AND my good friend here, the undefeated CHRISTIAN WRIGHT, in a Triple Threat Match!

COLE
Wow!

Even Wright looks surprised, as Teddy pats him on the back.

MONEYMAKER
That's right Cash! Don't ever say I'm not a fair man. You wanted Christian to get his shot SO bad? Well that's on your head, because now, you have to face the TWO of us! And you and all of these nickel and dime virgins watching are going to find out once and for all just how on the same page The Enterprise really is!

Moneymaker grabs Wright and Lorelei's wrists and raises their hands in the air with a CACKLE as "Sympathy For The Devil" hits.

COACH
What a magnanimous man! What a generous person! Mister Moneymaker, doing the right thing!

COLE
Maybe. But when has Moneymaker ever done anything that didn't benefit him the most? Regardless, we'll find out how decent and kind hearted a gesture this is next Thursday at In Your Parent's Basement. For now, Terry Taylor is standing with Alix Maria Spezia. Terry?

[Tony149]

We go to the impossibly expensive yet amazingly lavish interview lounge to find Terry Taylor standing beside six time OAOAST tag team champion and former world champion Alix Maria Spezia!

TERRY
Thanks, Michael. I am Terry Taylor and I am joined by my good friend Alix Maria Spezia. Alix next week at the first ever In Your Parents’ Basement you’ll face Bohemoth in a number one contender’s match for the OAOAST World Title.

ALIX
Whoo-hoo!

TERRY
I understand your enthusiasm, Alix but, Bohemoth is a giant, and you’re…not.

ALIX
Boo-hoo!

TERRY
Sorry, I didn’t mean to rain on your parade.

ALIX
As long as you don’t pee on my parade! That’d suck. And it’d be rather unhygienic. And how would you gather enough pee to wash out an entire parade? And then you’d have to have some sort of float overhead that follows the parade and you’re capable of peeing from. Hmmmmmm.

TERRY
Last week on HeldDOWN during your match with current number one contender to the OAOAST World Title, Leon Rodez, Bohemoth came out and spine bustered you.

ALIX
Ya know that was my first spinebuster! Ever! All this time I thought spine buster referred to when Krista drills me from behind with the trusty strap on so hard it busts my spine. But, that’s fun with the hair pulling, and the ass smacking, and the calling me her “nasty little Puerto Rican slut”,

TERRY
But, you’re Mexican, Alix.

ALIX
I know, and correcting her only makes her pound me harder, sooooooo awesome. But this spinebuster sucked. Crazy hard! And it cost me my match! I can’t stand losing to Leon. It makes me soooooooo angry! When he and I were dating, and he beat me in scrabble once, I made some poision cookies for him I was so pissed. But then a rerun of Designing Women came on Lifetime, and I got distracted, so then I got hungry, and I went into the kitchen, and I said hey, cool, cookies, and I ate some and I slipped into a coma for four hours! It was f’n awesome! But, the loss last week still stung like a bumble bee, and I’m gonna drop Bo dead like a bee with no stinger! That big ol meanie made a huge mistake coming after me. I tried to be a nice girl, I really did. Alix tried to set a good example for her Ally Cats after the judge at my DUI trial told me to do a better job of that. I was perfectly happy to son the dude into oblivion, smack my tight ass against his face and go on about my glue sniffing, pot smoking, Dorah The Explorer watching ways. But  nooooooooooooooooooooooo, he had to make a big fat stink about everything! He couldn’t accept the fact that he lost because he sucks, he doesn’t ever win the world title because he sucks, and he’s a member of the Hitler Youth, and he’s the reason Pluto is no longer considered a planet.

TERRY
I don’t know if those last two are true.

ALIX
Don’t ever correct me again!

TERRY
I’m sorry.

ALIX
Damn right. Bohemoth, I’m a pacifist at heart, a lover of women, a friend of men, a devout member of the Nation Of Islam, and a proud black queen. But, you’ve riled me up pretty good, and now I’m gonna kill your chances of ever being OAOAST World Champion! Hmph!

TERRY
Alix, thank you. Fans, we’ll be right back with more HeldDOWN~! after these commercial messages.

COMMERCIAL

[Tony149]

Fuck him he’s a DJ,
All night long,
He’s got the beat,
Fuck him he’s a DJ,
Keep playing that song ,
It works for me,

Ke$ha’s

brings Amberlyn Duncan, James Riggs and Pierce Duncan onto the entrance stage. The sour looking duo heads to the ring as they’re blasted with a chorus of jeers.

COLE
Here come the jailbirds!

COACH
That ain’t funny, how you gonna laugh at another human being getting caught up by the 5-0?

Riggs grabs a microphone in an angry manner. He stomps about the ring, trying to compose himself and find the words through his rage filled thoughts.

RIGGS
Maya Duncan-Blanchard I hope you’re pleased with yourself. Because of you we spent last Thursday night in jail!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

RIGGS
Piercey D is a rugged customer, he can handle his business.

PIERCE
No diggity!

RIGGS
And me? I’m the most feared man in all of Orange County, jail isn’t anything to the two us of but a day at the beach. But your Aunt Amberlyn? She’s different. She’s a delicate flower, very dainty and needing to be protected from the horrors you find in jail. You violated her innocence. What you did was worse than rape!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

RIGGS
You are sickening human being, Maya Duncan Blanchard, and even though our match at In Your Parents Basement is under mixed tag rules, I’m going to get into the ring with you and I’m going to spear you out of this world!

Riggs passes the microphone to Piercey D which starts a new round of jeers from the Louisville audience.

PIERCE
Piercey D in da house! What up, people? Last week must’ve been a dream. It couldn’t have actually happened, could it? Piercey D, son of a congressman, in jail? And put there by his own niece? Forget about it! But it did happen, it was reality, The Result found himself in the slammer with hardened criminals all thanks to Maya. I used to play Monopoly with that broad, I used to go to Dodgers games with her, I’d shoot hoops with her, and how should she repay me? By setting me up with some of her friends, who are over eighteen, but still innocent enough to deflower! Hehheheheh. But how does she repay Piercey D? By getting him tossed in pen? That don’t happen. Maya, your mom, my sister ain’t got the guts to discipline you, so it looks like Piercey D’s gonna have to take you to the woodshed.

Amberlyn is given the microphone by her big brother.

AMBERLYN
After all I’ve done for you, Maya, in your life, you send me to jail!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

AMBERLYN
And why? Because I supposedly cost you the OAOAST Women’s Title?

COLE
Supposedly?

AMBERLYN
What do you wanna be champion for anyway? So you can fight a suicidal maniac like Morgan?

COLE
Uncalled for.

AMBERLYN
Or maybe that white girl that thinks she’s black Maggie? Or about that raging drunk Holly? I saved you from grief! I helped you out! It wasn’t my idea anyway, it was Anglesault’s! And Zack took care of him, so we had a happy ending. But you couldn’t leave it alone. You’re just like Krista, everything has to go your way, and when it doesn’t you always want to hurt someone. Well, you’re not going to hurt me, I’m going to hurt you! Bad!

“Slither” plays to pop audience and stun the three heels in the ring. Riggs leans over the ropes and begins threatening the Orange County Cobras and Molly Nerdly as they arrive onto the entrance stage

SIMON
What a fine collection of young people, you are. I really feel the sharp increase in intelligence in the arena from your presence. And I thank you for making us all smarter. Now, I hear the three of making threats at Maya. But you’re forgeting something, you forget she’ll backed up by the three time tag team champions, The Orange County Cobras!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

SIMON
I look at Maya like a niece, and anyone who lays a finger on her has to pay the cost against the BOSS.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

NED
You stupid sons of bitches, you think its cute to come out here, say your little lines, run your stupid little mouth, and make all your threats? Well, it just about makes me sick! You think you’re going to put your hands on my daughter? Scratch that plan, boys, it ain’t happening. You’re looking at the real most feared man in Orange County, and I’m telling you right here right now that if you come anywhere near Maya I’ll beat the lot of you where you stand!

“NED! NED! NED!”

MOLLY
We’ll see you next Thursday.

The Cobras leave the way the came, as Riggs demands they come into the ring to face the three of them. Amberlyn attempts to settle him down, while Piercey D poses for the camera.

[Tony149]

Deep in the back of the building, Josh Matthews is standing by and ready to try and get an interview out of a typically sour and miserable Leon Rodez.

MATTHEWS
Leon, tonight's main event is a match straight out of your mind. Tonight, Krista will be forced to go one on one with Spencer Reiger, the boyfriend of her daughter and your niece. What exactly are you hoping to accomplish with this?

Leon gives Josh a look out of the corner of his eye.

RODEZ
Welcome back.

MATTHEWS
(looks at his surroundings)
Yeah, thanks.

RODEZ
I think it's pretty obvious why I chose Spencer. Because, I could. Everybody can draw their own conclusion as to what I want... maybe I want Spencer to soften Krista up. Maybe I want Krista to feel bad about what she's going to do tonight. Maybe... I just want to put everybody in a situation... where they're filled with misery. I'll take what I get. It doesn't matter in the end. All that matters... is next week. When I get Krista in that ring, one on one, one more time... and I finally, finally, take back the World Title that was stolen from me.

MATTHEWS
Okay, well last week it was Krista's chance to pick the poison and she put you against Alix. And during the course of the match it seemed like you may have injured your knee. How is that going to affect you against Krista?

Not appearing to want to answer the question, Leon wavers.

RODEZ
My knee is none of your concern. But... it should be none of Krista's, either. I've been living with injury for six years. For six years, I've walked with a hobble in my step. For six years, there's been a nagging pain in the back of my mind. But now... I've gotten used to pain. Physical. Psychological. It keeps getting thrown at me, but by this point I'm numb to it. This knee nearly ended my career. Doctors had to open me up. Slice open my leg... dig through the flesh and tissue... and pull the cartilage from out of my knee. So unless Krista is willing to go that far... she can't do anything to me that hasn't been done. I've been through worse than this. If you think... and if Krista thinks... that a bum knee is going to be enough to keep me from winning my World Title back... you're all in for a very rude awakening.

We fade out on Leon's scowling but lowered face.

COMMERCIAL

[Tony149]

Backstage at the hair and makeup area, VINNY VALENTINE combs his hair in front of a mirror until TONY TOURETTES barges into him to cheers and applause from the live audience like some popular sitcom character.

Tony pauses to catch his breath and then shoves a MACBOOK in Vinny’s chest.

VINNY
Aw, jeez, not right now. I got a match coming up.

TONY
The only way to win is by entering.

VINNY
Yeah, but isn’t a thousand times enough?

TONY
Who’s to say some SHITFACE loser hasn’t entered a 1,001 times?

VINNY
I find that highly unlikely. Besides, there’s no guarantee you’d win even if you did enter again.

TONY
But the odds increase. And I gotta win. The warm apple pies aren’t doing it anymore. I want a board’s SHIT ON MY DICK!

MELODY NERDLY and her beautiful bouncing breasts enter the picture and she too receives a thunderous ovation.

MELODY
Hey, that’s mine!

Melody rips the Macbook out of Vinny‘s hands.

MELODY
Stealing is wrong don’t you know?

TONY
I was gonna give it back. All I wanted was my cousin Vinny to enter me in a online contest.

MELODY
What contest is that?

TONY
You’ll probably find this hard to believe being the sexy beast that I am, but I’ve never been with a woman. I mean one that wasn’t a giant cutout of Megan Fox with a hole right in the baby maker. So if you can find it in your heart to help a poor guy down on his luck out, enter me in the Virgin No More contest again and again and again…

MELODY


TONY
…YA CUM GUZZLING CUNT!

MELODY

How rude! And I was beginning to feel sorry for you too.  

Melody slaps Tony and exits.

VINNY
You couldn’t help yourself, huh?

TONY
What’d I do wrong?

VINNY
I’ll tell you on the way to the ring.

The cousins walk off on their way to the ring.

COLE
Who knew Tony Tourettes was so popular with the OAOAST Galaxy?

COACH
We’re in Kentucky, Cole. Tony Tourettes reminds these people of their brothers, sisters, husbands and wives. I’m more surprised he’s a virgin. You’d think a good looking guy like him would be getting all kinds of tail.

COLE
Are you kidding me? I could take a whole bottle of Viagra, get wasted/baked and even I wouldn’t find him attractive.

COACH
Damn you’re mean.

COLE
If you think that’s mean, wait till Deuce Deuce Bigelow steps into the ring. The Flaming Gigolo’s still in a bad mood over AngleMania and he’ll look to take his frustrations out on Vinny Valentine next on HeldDOWN~!

COMMERCIAL

[Tony149]

“Disco Heaven” by Lady Gaga hits and Vinny Valentine is pestered all the way to the ring by Tony Tourettes.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Making his way to the ring, accompanied by Tony Tourettes… from Brooklyn, New York, weighing 228 pounds… “THE DISCO DUCK”… VINNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY VVVVVAAAAAALLLLEEEEENNTTIIIIIINNEEEEEEEEE!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Vinny orders Tony outside so he can boogie under the multi-colored disco ball that’s lowers from the ceiling. As he does that, Tony commandeers Cole’s LAPTOP.

COLE
What the heck are you doing?

COACH
The only way to win is by entering.

TONY
Thank FUCK somebody gets it! Now somebody enter me in the contest.

COLE
Why don’t you do it yourself?

TONY
If I knew how I would, DICK BREATH!

COACH
I don't think he‘s very tech savvy, Cole.

COLE
But I see him using a computer all the time backstage.

TONY
I only know how to get porn.

COACH
Who doesn't? *laughs*

“Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody” cues and Deuce power walks to the ring.

BUFFER
And his opponent… from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing 390 pounds… DEUCE DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE BIGELOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Knowing he doesn’t have the size or strength to compete against Deuce, Vinny launches a preemptive strike before the bell even sounds.

COLE
Sneak attack by the Disco Duck.
(to Tony Tourettes)
And can you please get the hell out of here? We’re trying to call a damn match.  

COACH
Have a heart, Mikey Cole. The guy’s just trying to get laid.

* DINGDINGDING *

Deuce reverses a whip and executes a press slam. Vinny retreats to the corner and eats an avalanche splash. Deuce throws the Vin-man down to the mat and puts him out of his misery with a TOP ROPE DIVING HEADBUTT!

COLE
Funky Cold Medina! I hope Kareem is ready for next Thursday night live on pay-per-view because Deuce means business.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
Here is your winner… DEUCE DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE BIGELOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
Uh, Tony, the match is over.  

TONY
What?!

COLE
Yeah, and your cousin got destroyed.

TONY
But he can still type?

COLE


Deuce slaps hands as Tony checks on the welfare of his cousin.

TONY
Quit laying on your back and help me get on mine. You can still type, right?

COLE
What a goof.

VIRGIN NO MORE

One lucky member of the OAOAST Galaxy will win the ultimate prize of losing his/her virginity.

* Enter now at OAOAST.com!

The winner to be announced live next Thursday night on pay-per-view, In Your Parent's Basement.

* Must be 18 or older.

[Tony149]

COLE
Yes, next week it's the first time ever extravaganza, In Your Parent's Basement: The Bitter End. And for one lucky member of the OAOAST Galaxy it will hopefully be a sweet end rather than a bitter one, as the OAOAST presents a very special competition, where the winner will lose... their VIRGINITY! For all the details on how to enter go to OAOAST.com... but, if you're looking for some tips on what to do if you win the prize, we asked Maggie Nerdly to press the OAOAST locker room for some advice for the lovelorn and here's what they had to say.


A special set has been erected (heh) just for this, a giant pink neon heart lit up behind Maggie Nerdly, as she conducts the various interviews we see clips of.

DR. STEVEN PIGLEY
As a certified relationship expert, I say just enjoy yourself. Having sex is the most natural thing in the world. Just go for it. And if it goes wrong, don't forget to come to me, Dr. Steven Pigley, for all your love advice.

------

PIERCE DUNCAN
Whoa whoa. Are you serious? You wanna know how The Result does his thing in the bedroom?

MAGGIE
It's for educational purposes only.

PIERCE
Sure it is, hot stuff.

MAGGIE
:roll eyes:

PIERCE
Here's the deal. The Result likes to treat his ladies like he treats his waves. When you see a good one, you know you just gotta jump on it. And you've gotta ride it hard, all the way back to the shore. Throw up a fistpump, let her know what's up, bangin' in the bedroom, bangin' in the club.

------

MAYA
Well, the first thing you should do to a girl is...

KRISTA (O.S)
Maya? What are you doing?

MAYA
Oh crap, gotta go! You haven't seen me!

-----

TIM CASH
Absolutely, be a gentleman. Take care of her. Bring her a gift, perhaps some flowers, or maybe a teddy bear. And make sure to tell her how beautiful she is afterwards, so she knows how much she means to you.

MAGGIE
Awwwww...

------

HOLLY
If you need advice on how to (beep), you don't (beep) deserve to have a (beep) in the first place. But if you waste of a (beep) morons and frigid bitches really need some advice, listen up. Ram the (beep) up the (beep) like you (beep) well mean it. If you're a guy, grab her (beep), spit on her, tell her she's a (beep) (beep) (beep) piece of (beep) (beep) whore. If you're a woman, you damn well better (beep) his (beep) like a popsicle and when he's (beep) your (beep), tell him you're a (beep) (beep) neglected (beep) with a (beep) (beep) and you want him to (beep) (beep) you hard. And make the most of it, because you ugly (beep) will probably never see a (beep) again in your miserable (beep) life.

------

JAMES BLONDE
Don't take them for granted. Because, you never know when, one day... it'll all be gone.

Blonde turns his head, trying to hide his sobbing.

MAGGIE
Dude, what is wrong with you?

BLONDE
(runs off)

------

MALAYSIA
Be rough. Women love it when you're rough with them. Rip off their clothes... tug on their hair... throw them around, choke them a little... a little spanking, oh yeah, that's always good... dominate them... grab their nipples... fishhook them... make them scratch you, dig their nails into you, until you feel that searing pain running through your entire body. Mmmm...

MAGGIE


------

DETECTIVE BOSLEY
Let me tell you about how the Alpha Male became the Alpha Male. See, I didn't lose my virginity. Fuck that! I stomped the shit out of my virginity the day I realised why I was equipped with this giant cannon. I took control like a real man and I found a bitch to break in. She didn't realise she was banging with the Alpha Male. But damn, she soon knew all about it. I went hard on them ho's from day one. This ain't some act, this is how Bos gets down for his. I had so much testoterone pumping through my vein I was practically ready to rip into anything that moved on the regular. But I looked at myself, eye to jap's eye and I told my dick straight up how it was. See, my dick is like me. Ready to jump in and start smashing shit up at a moment's notice. But I grabbed a firm hold and I said "cool it down, you're gonna get yours real soon, just be ready". And sure as shit, when the time came, I was ready. I ain't seen that bitch in years but my friends tell me she ain't walked straight since. My dick had waited long enough and he wasn't going to waste his big moment, oh no. He went into battle so hard he made her eyes water. You ever seen cops on a drug bust? BAM! I smashed down her door with my giant battering ram, make no fucking mistake. Bitch would have gotten off easier trying to bang a jackhammer. R.I.P The Big Dog's Virginity, 14 years, 58 days.

------

NED BLANCHARD
Hell, it's simple. Be confident. I've had more women than I can count. I broke Wilt Chamberlain's damn record, so you know I ain't talkin' crap. And I was the cockiest sum'bitch in the world. Carry yourself like a Handsome Hustler and you'll be a damn hustler, son, there's some advice for ya. But most importantly, use some damn protection and save yourself a lot of stress and money. Especially if you're screwing with a crazy woman.

------

ALIX
(reading from a list)
Bulldog, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, cradle, see-saw, scissors, licking the flag pole, wheelbarrow, turtle, back to reverse cowgirl, launch pad, pile driver, finish. Oh, also, don't forget to pay. Fun fact: many prostitutes will accept narcotics as an alternative form of payment!

------

QUEEN ESTHER
I'm sorry, I don't understand the question my dear.

MAGGIE
Advice. For a virgin. Who's about to have sex.

QUEEN ESTHER
GASP! I say DON'T DO IT! Oh, good heavens, such acts are an abomination! Also, if you have the sex, the knight's pee-pee will shrinkle and fall off and you will be banished to the forests to live with the animals! My father told me so! SAVE YOURSELVES! SAY NO TO THE SEX!

COMMERCIAL

[Tony149]

Backstage in her restricted access (if you know what's good for you) dressing room, Krista is busy getting ready. Which seems to consist of checking that her breasts are perfectly symmetrical in her top. Walking in on this, Jade stops and shudders, presumably in memory of something worse she's seen.

JADE
Uhh... Mom...

KRISTA
No.

JADE
But, I didn't even say anything.

KRISTA
Oh, gee, I'm sorry. Let me guess what you were going to say then, let me know if I get close. Mom, can I get a tattoo. No. Mom, can you stop admiring your vuluptuous breasts in the mirror while I'm in the room, it's giving me nightmares. No. Mom, are we going to the premiere of Arthur? No, I would rather watch footage of your horrifically painful and traumatic birthing on a loop for the rest of my life, with no access to any alcohol or drugs of any kind. Unless there's a free bar, free food and an opportunity for me to heckle, or failing that physically assault, Russell Brand. Mom, are you sure blackmailing a judge is really the best way to get out of paying for your speeding ticket? No, I'm not, but I'm giving the lawyers this one off, I can't live my entire life being dependant on other people. Mom, can you please not castrate my boyfriend during your match tonight?

JADE
I wasn't going to say anything about castrating... wait, don't castrate him either! But don't hurt him!

KRISTA
And, to bring this wonderful discussion full circle, my answer to that is, of course, no.

Jade throws her hands up in frustration at having to deal with her mother.

JADE
Great! So, what are you planning to do to him then? At least tell me.

KRISTA
You really want to know?

JADE
...uhm, I'm not sure.

Wandering over, Krista wraps an arm around Jade's shoulders.

KRISTA
Look, you want me to reassure you? Fine. You know me. And you know what I do in the ring. Now, obviously it would be worse if I happened to hate someone and I was in the ring with them. And, I do hate Spencer. Uhh... what was I saying?

JADE
Thanks. That's really reassuring, Mom.

KRISTA
Okay, what have I tried to teach you girls? You can't change me, so you'll just have to change your perception of me. So don't think of what I do to Spencer as a painful, humiliating emasculation that will make your boyfriend less of a man the next time you see him. Try and think of it instead as... an initiation. Into the Duncan family. We fight, we humiliate each other. But, in the end, we all learn to keep our loathing of each other quiet and manage to bare each other's company. Think of all the times I've kicked Ned's ass in the past. Now, I no longer dumb boiling water out of the first floor windows when he calls to visit Maya! That's progress and I'm proud of it. Think about what me and Alix have gone through. Think of what I've done to Amberlynn. Or the underwear tearing wedgie I gave to Pierce. After tonight, maybe Spencer can go from contemptible, to contemptible member of my family.

Not seeming entirely convinced, Jade realises this is the best she'll get and nods her head.

JADE
Okay. Just, go easy on him. For me.

Jade goes to leave, but stops short of the door.

JADE
You know... this is exactly what Leon wants.

KRISTA
Well, don't give him the satisfaction of being miserable then. Just let me do my thing. Although, if you really want to fall out with me, it'd probably make me more determined to make Leon cry girl tears next week.

Smiling, Jade goes to leave again... but this time Krista calls out to stop her.

KRISTA
Oh, hey, sweetie, is Spencer still friends with Moneymaker?

JADE
Uhh... it's complicated. Sorta?

KRISTA
Oh, okay then.

Krista nods and calmly places a pair of brass knuckles in her cleavage.

JADE
MOM!

KRISTA
Oh, alright, no combat weapons. Sheesh.

Krista plucks the brass knuckles from between her cleavage, causing Jade to shudder again, before she finally leaves.

ONE OF ZACK'S SEGMENTS

[Tony149]

We return to the arena to find Leon Rodez and Morgan Nerdly seated at the sofa central.

COLE
Leon, Morgan, welcome to sofa central for our mainevent.

MORGAN
Thank you.

LEON
Spare me your meaningless pleasantries.

THE WORLD IS MINE!

David Guetta’s “World Is Mine” welcomes Spencer Reiger and Lorelei DeCenzo onto an entrance stage soaked in red and blue lights. Far from his usual over confident self, Spencer merely sulks through the traveling lights. Lorelei barks at him, trying to get him to find his normal arrogant self.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of thirty minutes! Now making his way to the ring, from Manhattan, New York, he is accompanied by LORELEI DECENZO….he is NEW YORK’S FINEST…..SPENCER REEEEIIIIGGGGEERRRRRR!

COLE
Leon you should be ashamed of yourself for what you’re doing here.

LEON
What am I doing, Cole?

COLE
You’re hurting your niece by pitting Spencer against Krista.

LEON
Any pain I can cause the Duncan family brings joy to my blackened heart. I’ll have plenty of joy come next Thursday at In Your Parents’ Basement, that’s when I knock Krista’s head off and take back the OAOAST World Title.

Give me those bright lights, long nights
High rise, over time
Give me them bright lights, long nights
Party till the sun is rising
High rise, over time
Working till the moon is shining
Hot guys, fly girls
Never thought I'd say
I feel on top of the world
I feel on top of the world Hey

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

The audience rises to their feet at the arrival of “Top Of The World” and OAOAST World Champion Krista Isadora Duncan. Miss California shows off her award winning body with sexy dance moves that work in tune with dancers dressed in skimpy firefighter costumes.

COACH
Is it hot in here or is it just Krista?

BUFFER
Introducing his opponent  .from Los Angles, California, she is a best selling author and star of the world famous FIT with KID line of exercise videos! 2010's most searched superstar on Yahoo, 2010's highest trending OAOAST topic on Twitter, a Hollywood walk of famer, more famous than everyone else put together and multiplied by four! She is a five time and current OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... ladies and gentlemen, "MISS CALIFORNIA"... KKRRIIIIISSTTAAAA ISADORA... DDUUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!

Stopping at the bottom of the entrance stage, Krista lets the wind machine playfully blow her hair. She wears an arresting smile, sharing none of the same misgivings and worry as her foe.

COLE
Speaking of hot girls, Leon, you have to be excited about Morgan’s upcoming pictorial in OAOAST magazine.

MORGAN


LEON
You’ve got to be kidding me.

MORGAN


Krista gives the audience a beautiful view of her magnificent legs by hanging herself upside down on the ropes.

DING DING DING

KRISTA
I can and will be keeping track of every erection you get during the course of this contest. And I will be reporting the duration of them back to my daughter in full.

SPENCER
I…I don’t know what to say.

KRISTA
You needn’t say anything. You just need to count the number of strike outs Nolan Ryan had in the 1989 season, and think of your elder brother rubbing his penis against a cat, in order to keep from getting an erection.

SPENCER
Can we just try and have a fair contest like Jade wanted? Perhaps make the best of a bad situation?

KRISTA
Bad situation? I get to use my Guess heels to rearrange the handsome facial features that wooed my daughter over to the dark side and foil the plans of that shit licking scum heel Leon Rodez. I’d say this is a great situation!

Krista comes charging at Spencer. He dips low and upends her over the ropes, but Krista comes down on her white high heels.  Spencer turns around, and is caught in the stomach with a shoulder block from the world champion. He stumbles backwards, watching as Krista climbs onto the top rope.  Miss California wiggles her booty to the appreciative audience, before taking off to capture Spencer in a hurricanrana set up.  The One Man Triple Threat almost is able to powerbomb his foe. But he hesitates and this leads to Krista upending him with the high flying move.

KRISTA
Face inches away from my panties, I’d say that’s erection number one.

Krista bounces off the ropes, but comes back into a spinning diving elbow from Spencer! The former tag team champion looks almost remorseful at what’s he done as Krista rolls away in pain. But he puts aside his misgivngs to pick her up and whip her into a corner.  She smacks against the posts with tremendous force, and they push her out back towards him. As such Spencer tries to quickly end the match with an inside cradle!

ONE!


TWO!


KICKOUT!

LEON
Come on, do better than that.

Spencer grabs Krista by her bare legs and slingshots her into the corner. After she once again is slammed into the posts, he reaches through her legs and school girls her….

ONE!


TWO!

No!

LEON
This is pathetic.  What a spineless coward Spencer Reiger is.

COLE
Maybe he has some decency.

LEON
Decency is for fools. Which apparently is what Spencer Reiger is.

Krista is brought upright and slung into the orange cables. Upon bouncing back she leaps onto Spencer’s shoulders for a spinning head scissors. But Spencer counters the hold into a tilt a whirl slam! Again he looks sorry for having hurt the mother of his girlfriend, and seeks to end the match as quickly as possible with a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Krista gets the shoulder up.

LEON
People say I’ve done wrong here, by booking Krista against Reiger. But, if Krista had any concern for Jade, she’d just let herself be pinned by Reiger. But her foolish pride won’t let her do that, will it?

Spencer walks around the ring, wishing to end the match, but not wishing to inflict any actual harm upon Krista. Lorelei doesn’t quite see things his way, and yells at him that a win would propel him to title contention. This seems to motivate Spencer somewhat, and he bashes Krista with stomps.

LEON
Here we go. Selfishness always wins out in the end with human beings. Spencer doesn’t care about Jade, he just cares about what he can do for himself.

Spencer tightens has arms around Krista’s neck, then surges forward to hit her with the running inverted bulldog!

COLE
New York Knockout!

As Lorelei applauds on the outside, Krista is pinned to the canvas by Spencer…

ONE!


TWO!


Krista makes the kickout a mere second before the three count! Spencer stays on her, still trying to bring a sudden end to the contest. He scrapes her off the canvas and launches her towards the corner. The world champion tries to float over, but Spencer catches onto her perfect legs and upends her over the ropes! Luckily, she’s able to come down on the ring apron.  She swats Spencer in the head with a pair of punches that leave him dazed. Thusly she’s able to climb to the top rope with ease. But she’s only there for a few seconds before Spencer chucks her off! Lorelei cheers on the sorrowful One Man Triple Threat as he makes another pinfall….

ONE!


TWO!


No!

“LET’S GO KRISTA! LET’S GO KRISTA! LET’S GO KRISTA!”

LEON
Listen to these sycophants, they cheer a woman who does nothing  but take and take, because they wish they could take and take, because they’re selfish, uncaring, morons. And they’re morons because they give and give to the smart people like Krista who take everything.

Spencer waits for Krista to rise off the canvas. When she does, he snaps on a rear waistlock. The position does not go unnoticed by Krista.

KRISTA
Your crotch against my ab-fab ass? Boner number two!
 
Krista wheels behind Spencer, in order to leap onto his shoulders for a victory roll!

ONE!


TWO!

Spencer rolls out the pinfall!

KRISTA
Your head shoved up my skimpy little mini skirt? Boner number three!

Krista takes off to the ropes, bounding back to hit a sunset flip on her befuddled foe…

ONE!


TWO!


Kickout!

COLE
Krista for her part hasn’t used very many lethal moves on Spencer either. Sure, she’s trying embarrass him, but contrary to what she said early in the match she’s not trying to hurt him.

LEON
So she finally has some compassion? Its too late for the hundreds and thousands of people who’s she trampled, kicked and humiliated on her way to her Hollywood dream life.

Krista leaps onto Spencer’s shoulders as he stands for another victory roll effort. But New York’s finest hastily shoves her off, and she comes down on her white heels. She wings a knife edge chop into his chest that’s designed more to back him away than hurt him.  Krista then jumps onto the second rope, and bounces back at Spencer in a wheelbarrow position.

KRISTA
I don’t even have to assume, I can feel the boner on this one, people! And it is HARD!

Krista swings through Spencer’s legs to trap him inside an impressive pinfall predicament…

ONE!


TWO!

The New Yorker reverses the pinfall in his favor…

ONE!


TWO!

Krista escapes the pinfall!

COACH
Spencer’s gotta step that game up or something. Go for the Reiger Counter and get this one over with.

LEON
As Colin said he just doesn’t have the heart for it.  I’ve given him a great opportunity to become a champion.

COLE
Opportunity? You’ve pitted him against his girlfriend’s mother!

LEON
That’s a fortunate side effect in my favor.

Spencer hooks onto Krista’s legs and jackknives through her for a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Krista gets her shoulder off the mat!

LORELEI
That isn’t going to get it done! Do you want to be world champion one day or not?! Get to work!

Spencer reluctantly begins stomping at Krista’s legs as per Lorelei’s orders. She continues to hound him, demanding he go after her right leg. The One Man Triple Threat follows these instructions by grabbing onto Krista’s leg and driving his elbow into the inside of her knee. Krista howls in pain, which doesn’t exactly fill Spencer with warm feelings.

LEON
Now he’s trying to snap her leg, all for lust and greed over fame and fortune. The human race sickens me.

COLE
First you complain when he doesn’t attack Krista, now you complain when he does attack her. Which is it, Leon?

LEON
The human race is inherently hypocritical.

At Lorelei’s insistence, Spencer chucks Krista over the ropes. But Miss California comes down on the ring apron, rather than land on the outside. The New Yorker hounds her, reaching over the ropes and bringing her to her feet. But Krista stuns him with a shoulder block to his six packed stomach. She then swats him away with a hard punch to his jaw.

COLE
A punch! And now things are getting a bit more physical. I’m interested to know what Morgan thinks of all this.

LEON
She thinks what I think.

Krista hops onto the third rope, in a direction facing away from Spencer. She jiggles her heavenly ass in his direction, causing Spencer to have to choose between looking repulsed lest he offend Jade or looking impressed lest he offend Krista.

KRISTA
Boner number five, kiddo, you just can’t keep that thing down, can you?

Krista flips backwards and connects with a moonsault lariat that wipes Spencer out. With New York’s finest stunned, the Los Angeles native hooks the legs for the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


Only a two as Spencer kicksout!

COACH
Spencer is holding his own against Krista.

LEON
He should be doing more than that. He should be winning. He should be driving the stake through her family’s heart. But I guess that falls onto me.

Krista runs the ropes, looking for the John Morrison style knee strike. But Spencer punts her in the leg to end that attack plan.  He then drags her to her feet only to be informed that Blonds Never Pay a Cover with a nasty side effect!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

LEON
Damn it!

Krista hurriedly scrambles to the top rope, trying to attack Spencer at his weakest. She flies off as Spencer prematurely raises his boot to counter her attack. But Krista corrects her course and lands on her feet. She grabs onto his raised legs, and flips him into a sitting position. From there she puts herself off the ropes and connects with that John Morrison style running knee!

COLE
Oh what a strike!

KRISTA
Booty time!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

KRISTA

Boner number six, boner number seven, boner number eight, boner number nine, and you sicken me and I hope against hope Jade is watching this and realizes-

Spencer captures Krista with a school boy!

ONE!


TWO!

Krista shoots the shoulder off the canvas!

COACH
Leon you can’t tell me, if those buns start shaking, you won’t be a little distracted.

LEON
Those types of pleasures became empty to me long ago. The only thing that would give me joy is hearing Krista’s pained screams after I slap on the Liontamer.

Spencer rolls off the canvas, and at Lorelei’s urging charges at Krista with a lariat. He misses entirely and bounces off the ropes, coming back into a boot to the stomach. Krista then swings him around with a twist of fate!

COLE
Life In The Fab Lane!

LEON
Perfect.

COLE
You’re rooting for Krista now?

LEON
I’m rooting for pain and misery to fall over the entire Duncan family.

Krista hooks the legs for the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


Spencer finds his way out the pinfall.

LEON
That’s right, Spencer, you keep prolonging the suffering for the Duncans all for your selfish attitude.

Krista scrapes Spencer off the canvas, only for him to slug her in her ripped stomach. He grows a bit more aggressive than before and begins peppering her with jabs. This seems to offend Krista and she begins firing off jabs of her own. Soon a full scale brawl erupts between Jade’s two favorite people.

COLE
We’re in full violent swing now!

LEON
There’s only so long before the greed and nastiness of humanity wins out over its phony kindness.

Spencer grabs onto Krista’s wrists and shoots her into the ropes. She bounces back to avoid a lunging lariat from New York’s Finest. Her heels then carry her onto the top rope and she springboards back with a dropkick right to the face of her foe! Another pinfall follows…

ONE!


TWO!


Spencer makes a timely kickout!


“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” the fans chant as Krista informs the referee that should she not get a three count he can bet on missing a few more teeth.

Krista picks Spencer up by the arm and uses that grip to send him into the corner. She charges in after him, but is taken off her feet as he rumbles back with a running elbow.  She’s quickly brought back upright by Reiger, who jams her between his legs. He hooks onto her arms and the crowd becomes a buzz at possibility of his dangerous finisher appearing in the contest.

COLE
The One Man Triple Threat is seeking The Reiger Counter.

Krista fights frantically against the hold, but can do nothing to prevent it from happening. Spencer nails the deadly move perfectly.

LEON
Do you hear that sound? It’s the sound of Jade’s heart breaking.

COLE
You disgust me.

LEON
As well I should.

Spencer rolls Krista over and pins her as Lorelei counts on the outside…

ONE!


TWO!


THREE! NO KRISTA KICKSOUT!

“KRISTA KRISTA! KRISTA!”

LORELEI
Do it again!

Spencer looks unsure, already feeling regretful for having done the move in the first place.

LORELEI
Again!

Finally Spencer resigns himself to his poor lot in life. With sad eyes he picks Krista up and puts her back between his legs. His arms grab onto her’s and he prepares to drive her into the canvas. But his misgivings cause him to delay the move. In turn this allows Krista to upend him over the ropes with a back body drop! Spencer lands on his feet on the black mats, but looks highly unsettled from the reversal.

COLE
That may have been Spencer’s best chance to win the match and it just slipped through his fingers.

Facing away from the ring, Spencer does not see Krista get to her feet. Nor does he see her bounces off the ropes. But he does see her attempt to dive through the ring, and the resulting belt shot Lorelei connects with!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the fans hiss, as Krista falls backwards into the ring.

Spencer is highly upset with Lorelei’s actions. In no uncertain terms he informs Lorelei of his displeasure. Refusing to mince words, Spencer draws the ire of Lorelei, who insists she was helping him. A viscious argument ensues between the two that the referee tries his hardest to break up.

THUD

That’s the sound of Leon Rodez slamming his head set down on the table. The Fallen Idol takes off his leather jacket and simply tosses it ONTO Morgan. While she takes the jacket off her head, he darts into the ring.

COLE
What’s he doing? Somebody get him out of there!

Leon takes aim at Krista as she gets to a kneeling position. He prepares for the One Hit Kill but is taken out by a lariat from Spencer!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

DING DING DING the official calls for the bell.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen: the match has been ruled a no contest!

Leon springs to his feet and gets right into Spencer’s face, cursing him out and delivering a wealth of insults. When those words grow useless he kicks Spencer low!

COLE
What a jerk!

Leon then swings around and finally nails Krista with the devastating One Hit Kill!

COLE
Damn him! Damn that Leon Rodez!

Far from being happy over his victimizing or concerned with what he’s done, Leon orders Morgan to fasten his leather jacket onto him. Once that bit of business is completed, he leans over Krista and spits a wealth of trash at her.

FADE OUT