OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 3/10/2011

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pMraWWYO4A

We go straight to Sofa Central where Double C, wearing Anglemania football jerseys, await to call the action.

COLE
Ladies and gentlemen we are traveling down the Road to Anglemania live from Oakland, California on OAOAST HeldDOWN~! I am Michael Cole sitting alongside Da Coach, and we are excited as all get out to call the action on this explosive show.  Tonight in our mainevent Jason Silver meets MARV of the Christ Air Express. But we kick things off with The Human Hard On!

“Motherfucker of the Year” hits and golden pyro shower the Real American Prick and his main squeeze onstage.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied by the Ultimate Combination of Beauty and Beatdowns, MALAYSIA! From San Antonio, Texas, weighing 238 pounds, DICKZILLA… MMMIIIIIIIIIIISSSSTTEEEERRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MD drops to a knee and French kisses his bicep.

COACH
Keep your hands where I can see them, Cole.

COLE
Will you stop!

“Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody” hits and Deuce makes his way out.

BUFFER
His opponent...from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing 390 pounds...DEUCE DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE BIGELOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Deuce gets to the ring in record time and signals for the bell.

COLE
Deuce is ready to go and so are we.

* DINGDINGDING *

Both men lockup and Deuce shoves MD straight back towards the corner. MD scrambles to his feet and again is overpowered, prompting him to slap Deuce!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

COLE
Well that was a stupid thing to do.

Deuce trembles in rage and then chases MD around the ring.

COACH
Stupid, huh? More like genius if you ask me. He’s gonna tire the big man.  

MD dives back in and shoots off the rope for a STIFF KICK… but Deuce ducks and executes a press slam!

COLE
Turns out it was stupid.

COACH
You’re stupid!

Spinning wheel kick knocks MD out on the apron and Deuce suplexes him back in.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Deuce assists MD up to his feet and delivers a head BUTT. MD staggers back and catches Deuce with a kick to the gut, then introduces him violent to the top turnbuckle. Following a series of right jabs and shoulder thrusts, Deuce reverses a corner whip and performs a HANDSPRING ELBOW… but MD moves and connects with a STIFF KICK!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

MD wears down Deuce with a full nelson and then goes for the full nelson slam, but Deuce blocks it and squashes MD against the turnbuckles!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

MD tumbles onto his back and Deuce splashes him.

COLE
XL Splash! You know that one was for Jumbo.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO, KICKOUT!

COACH
Mr. Dick is real lucky, Cole. If Deuce weighed the same as Jumbo this match would have been over.

COLE
No doubt about it. You also have to credit Mr. Dick’s conditioning. A normal man doesn’t kick out.

MD floats over the top on a suplex attempt and delivers a full nelson slam!

COACH
Pure Penetration~!

COLE
Will this be it?

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

MD rams Deuce into the buckle repeatedly until the Flaming Gigolo breaks free and does it himself.

COLE
Uh-oh. I think Mr. Dick just made Deuce angry.

Deuce hurls MD in the corner and unloads with heavy forearm shots. MD rakes the eyes and then shoots Deuce in for a corner cross body splash, but Deuce catches him and executes a running power slam. Rather than go for the cover Deuce points to the corner and the place erupts.  

COLE
Are we gonna hear Funky Cold Medina?  

Deuce prepares to fly off the top when Malaysia grabs hold of his leg, which goes unnoticed by the official who MD uses to help himself up. Once back on his feet MD gives Deuce a FACIAL~!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Deuce smacks his knee hard on the apron after the discus punch knocks him off the top, causing him to writhe in pain outside.

COACH
Looks like Deuce injured his knee, Cole?

COLE
Will he be able to continue? We’ll find out after the break.

HeldDOWN~! Continues…

We return from the break just in time to see MD crash down onto the outstretched leg of Deuce ala Ric Flair.

COLE
Welcome back to the longest running in-joke in TSM history. Michael Cole and Da Coach ringside at Sofa Central, and during the break Mr. Dick took it to Deuce.

COACH
He absolutely worked over the knee of the Flaming Gigolo, smashing it repeatedly against the ring post.

MD looks to place Deuce in the Roughrider, his version of the STF, but Deuce shoves him off. So instead MD applies the FIGURE-4 LEGLOCK!

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Malaysia yanks on MD’s hands for additional leverage.

COLE
Turn around, ref!

When the ref finally does he spots nothing illegal and goes back on about his business. So too do MD and Malaysia.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Deuce refuses to quit while motioning for the ref to look at what’s going on behind him. The ref does but again is too late.

“YOU SUCK, DICK!”
“YOU SUCK, DICK!”
“YOU SUCK, DICK!”

MISTER DICK


The momentarily loss of concentration by MD allows Deuce to overturn the hold and force a break.

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

MD stays on the attack, then sends Deuce in for the ride, but with a bad wheel Deuce collapses. This amuses MD so much he does it again to the same result.

COACH
Deuce can hardly stand, Mikey Cole.

COLE
If I were the official I’d strongly consider calling the match even though it’s something Deuce wouldn’t want.

MD paintbrushes Deuce and then whips him in a third time to a much different result. This time Deuce shoots off the ropes which causes MD to think fast and drop down. Deuce responds with a picture perfect CARTWHEEL that wows the OAOAST Galaxy and surprises MD.

MISTER DICK


MD pops up and walks into the TKO!

COLE
Booty Call~!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!!

Malaysia gouges Deuce’s eyes to cause a DQ.

* DINGDINGDING *

COLE
Deuce had the match won if not for Malaysia.

COACH
I don’t know about that. Mr. Dick had his foot on the ropes.

COLE
He wasn’t anywhere near the ropes!

COACH
You must have a faulty monitor.

MD and Malaysia proceed to put the boots to Deuce while OAOAST officials frantically try to end the mayhem.

“YOU SUCK, DICK!”
“YOU SUCK, DICK!”
“YOU SUCK, DICK!”

OAOAST officials finally restore order, but long after the damage has been done.

COLE
Get that dick outta here!

COACH
That’s a first. You not wanting dick. *laughs*

COLE
You can bet we haven’t heard the last of this. Stay with us. Who knows what else might happen tonight.

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
JASON SILVER VS MARV
TONIGHT

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, OAOAST's own roving reporter TERRY TAYLOR is with the "Hardcore Redneck" himself, BRUCE BLANK.

TAYLOR
Bruce Blank, I have to admit, four years ago, I would have turned down the opportunity to interview you. Now, here we are, in 2011, and you've gone from the most hated man in OAOAST history to one of its protectors, standing alongside your former blood rival Zack Malibu against Anglesault's attempted takeover. In just 3 short weeks, you're going to have your first Anglemania match when you take on Bohemoth in a barbed wire match. What are your thoughts on that upcoming contest?

Blank tips his hat to Terry Taylor, then speaks.

BLANK
Well first off, thank ya Mr. Terry Taylor, for agreein' to the interview. I know it ain't easy for many people to warm up to me after all I've done, and all I can do is prove that I'm a changed man. Well, not changed per say, but motivated in a different way. Yer right, four years ago I tried to take this place over mah self, wanted to cover the OAOAST in blood, but that didn't happen. It didn't happen because one man stood up to me, survived everythin' I put him through, and earned my respect. That man, as you know, is Zack Malibu. He put me on the shelf, and gave me time to think about what I had done, not just in wrestlin' mind you, but in my life. I started lookin' in the mirror and I wasn't likin' the man lookin' back at me. So I started myself on the path o' redemption, and that's...

*WHAM~!*

From behind, BOHEMOTH nails Bruce with a lariat to the back of the head, and starts kicking him while he's down! Bo shoves Terry Taylor out of the way, and pics up his fallen mic, waiting for Bruce to rise up so he can blast him across the forehead with it! Bruce falls to the floor, as Bo jumps on him and punches at the bridge of his nose, opening a cut!

BO
You want me at Anglemania? HUH? You ain't gonna make it to Anglemania!

Bo picks Bruce up, then runs him headfirst into the interview set backdrop, sending both it and Bruce crashing to the floor!

BO
You're DONE, Blank! You hear me? You're not gonna last until Anglemania! I got you, Blank! I got you!

Bo trash talks the fallen redneck, as a horde of nameless background characters that we call OAOAST STAFF~! rush over to break up the melee. Bo picks up his suit jacket from the floor and blows past, putting his hands in the air in surrender, while Taylor and several others check on Bruce.

COMMERCIAL

COLE
For those of you who missed out sister show Syndicated last week, let's take you back and recap what happened as Nathaniel Black took on James Blonde...

 

QUOTE (OAOAST Syndicated @ March 2nd)

***Nathaniel Black -VS- James Blonde w/Sophie***
The Cucaracha Kingdom's new royal image consultant Sophie accompanied James Blonde to the ring, keeping his hair looking it's finest with a can of hairspray, which can't have been good for the environment. Except this show was indoors. So I guess it doesn't matter. In this battle of former stable-mates, Nathaniel Black had the better of JB and dominated for large portions of the match. Blonde managed to sneak his way into an advantage a couple of times. But really, the match consisted of Black kicking Blonde's ass. This dominant performance would have lead to a sure win, with Blonde virtually beaten after a combination of lariats, a flying knee and a brutal Half Nelson Backbreaker. However, before Black could put the finishing touches to Blonde, KING LANDON ran to the ring and made the save with a blindsight attack!

Winner: Nathaniel Black, via disqualification

King Landon continued his assault after the match, a plan clearly in mind. The King gave his orders to his trusty number two and held Black in place, as a woozy Blonde collected his can of hairspray. Things didn't quite go as planned for the Kingdom though. With Blonde still on dreamstreet, Black was able to break free and it was King Landon who took the hairspray to the eyes, to the delight of the crowd!! The King rolled to the floor and flailed in agony, leaving a horrified Blonde to be hit with one more Lariat and a Brittania Bomb for good measure. Black left satisfied, as Queen Esther and Sophie joined the OAOAST doctors in worrying over a blinded King Landon.

COLE
With that in mind, standing by, Terry Taylor has a royal appointment with the King. Terry?


In the royal throne room, the Cucaracha Kingdom stand by. Well, except King Landon and Queen Esther, who are sitting by. Looking fairly miserable, a puffy-eyed King Landon hangs his head slightly to avoid the brightness of the light above him.

TAYLOR
Michael, I'm backstage with the Cucaracha Kingdom and guys, things haven't been going your way lately, another plan backfiring last week. How are you feeling Landon?

KING LANDON
That's Ki... oww!
(shields eyes from the light)
King Landon!

TAYLOR
I apologise.

KING LANDON
As you should. You should also apologise for wasting my time with inane questions. How do you think I feel!? I feel in pain! My eyes haven't stopped stinging for a week, I've been tearing up almost as much as my Queen does on a normal day. I'm sitting here surrounded by royal decor, wearing the finest robe, holding the most glorious of scepters and I can barely see a thing of it. But there is one thing I can see. Even with these damaged eyes, there's one thing I can see clearly all of a sudden. And that's exactly why all of my best laid plans keep being fouled up!

Standing out of his throne, King Landon turns on James Blonde, pointing his scepter at him.

KING LANDON
You have messed up for the last time... and as of right now, you are OUT! BANISHED from my Kingdom! BANISHED!

BLONDE
NO!

KING LANDON
YES!

BLONDE
Please!

KING LANDON
Get out! Go!

In despair, Blonde drops to his knees and BEGS, CLINGING onto the leg of the King.

BLONDE
I'm sorry, I'll never let you down again...

KING LANDON
OUT!

With the rest of the Kingdom around him, Blonde looks around, fearing the worst. He lets go of the King's leg and after a grand, dramatic show, he eventually leaves, disconsolate. King Landon calmly sits back down and looks satisfied with what he's just done.

KING LANDON
Now... I've got a feeling that things are about to turn my way.

QUEEN ESTHER
THE PRINCE HAS FALLEN! THE PRINCE IS NO MORE!

KING LANDON
...alright, settle down Esther...

QUEEN ESTHER
OH, WHAT AN HORRENDOUS OCCURANCE! GO! SPREAD THE WORD! LET THE MASSES KNOW OF THIS TERRIBLE TRAGEDY!

TAYLOR
Uhh... we have a camera so, I don't really need to tell anyone myself...

KING LANDON
(trying to hush Esther down)
That's okay, just... run along. Thanks.

Landon leans over and tries to explain something to Esther, inaudible to the cameras and to Terry, who looks confused as he leaves.


COLE
Did that seem weird to anyone else, or was it just me?

COACH
I don't know. All I know is James Blonde done screwed up for the last time.

[Chanel #99]

We return to Sofa Central where the duo has been expanded to a trio as Leonardo Cardinal has joined them for the next match.

COLE
Leonardo, good to see you again.

COACH
That's debatable.

CARDINAL
And you Cole, I am happy to be the special guest commentator for these pure Lucha Libre matches.

COACH
Well as long as You are happy.

COLE
I understand we're about to see a debut, at least an OAOAST debut.

CARDINAL
That's right; M.I.L.L.F. brings another name to the game. His name is La Arma Mortal

COACH
Ah yes, the Mortal Arm, terrible disease I hear it affects virgins in basements all over the world.

COLE
Ignore him, he is just cranky because he has not has his Colt 45 yet.

CARDINAL
Funny you should say Cold, because his name actually means "The Lethal Weapon"

COACH
I'm getting to old for this shit!

COLE
Then retire; I'm sure Leonardo would be happy to be here full time

COACH
Retire? Damn it Cole I was quoting the Lethal Weapon movies! Don’t you know anything?

COLE
Well at least you went with the black guy and not the crazy racist guy.

RICARDO MONTALBAN, JR.
The following match is a Match Relampago!

COLE
A what now?

CARDINAL
Lighting Match, one fall, 10 minute time limit

RICARDO MONTALBAN, JR.
Introducing first, weighing in at 155 pounds and hailing from the Space Academy. This is CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADETO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOSA!!!

Europe's "Final Countdown" kicks in as Cadeto Rosa leads Los Cadetos del Espacio to the ring, naturally remembering to stop at the top of the ramp for a quick superhero pose as wind subtly blows through their capes.

COACH
Man that's what you get for eating beans

*Crickets chirp*

COACH
You know... they got wind....

RICARDO MONTALBAN, JR.
And his opponent, once part of the Mexico City Special Forces

COACH
Really?

CARDINAL
That's what he claims, he also claims he was kicked out for excessive brutality.

RICARDO MONTALBAN, JR.
HE IS.... LA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARMA MOOOOOOOORTAL!!

Sirens stat glaring and red lights start flashing, sending at least 10% of the crowd into a state of terror thinking it's actually a police raid. More that one person in the Oakland crowd tries his best to look innocent as he drops a bag of weed in some random woman's purse.

COACH
IT'S THE PO-PO!!

Coach dives under the table, hands over his head, trying his best to hide.

COLE
I don't know if Arma Mortal has any actual jurisdiction in California Coach.

After realizing what is going on Coach returns to the Sofa, trying to play the whole thing off as an innocent misunderstanding.

COACH
I knew that.

La Arma Mortal walks out, twirling his nightstick while threatening a couple of hippie looking fans in the front row.



ARMA MORTAL
Evening gentlemen, do I smell pot?

C. MARIN
No officer, (giggles) we are just happy to be here, it's a natural high.

TOMMY C.
Yeah man, we would never pollute our bodies with the sweet, sweet brown betty

C. MARIN
SHHH!! Man it's the pigs

Arma Mortal just shakes his head, disappointed in the lax attitude towards the law in Oakland, California. When he enters the ring the referee gets in his face, demanding that the nightstick be put away for the match. After arguing with the referee for a moment he finally relents and hands the nightstick to the referee.

COLE
Nice to see him playing fair

Once the referee turns his back to the combatants to put the nightstick away Arma Mortal pulls out a small, black spray can from his belt and

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHH!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

COACH
HA! Obviously Cadeto Rosa broke the law

COLE
Broke the law??

COACH
Why else would the police mace him? It’s not like he’s black!

The crowd is enraged, booing Arma Mortal who casually takes off his belt while Cadeto Rosa is in the corner, screaming in pain, holding his eyes. When the referee turns around he looks a little confused as to why Rosa is in pain, but since he did not see it he's letting it go and calling for the bell

DING!! DING!! DING!!

Arma Mortal quickly pounces on his blinded opponent, kicks him in the mid-section and then gets him in position for a Cradle Piledriver

CARDINAL
He calls this Capital Punishment

The crowd boos as Arma Mortal executes his finishing move and then nonchalantly covers Cadeto Rosa

ONE!!

TWO!!

THREE!!

DING!! DING!! DING!!

RICARDO MONTALBAN, JR.
The winner of the match, in just 17 seconds LA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARMA MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORTAL!!

COLE
What a travesty of justice!!

COACH
He's the police, they're the epitome of justice, don't mess with the law!!

Arma Mortal drops to the canvas and rolls to the floor, retrieving the nightstick from the timekeeper’s table. Cadeto Azul tries to stop Arma Mortal only to be struck in the mid-section with the nightstick.

HURH!!

Once Arma Mortal is up on the apron Cadeto Amarillo tries to just the ex-cop, only for Arma Mortal to drop to the floor so Amarillo ends up hitting the ring post instead.

CARDINAL
Not good, not good at all.

Arma Mortal reaches over and takes a pair of handcuffs from his belt, then quickly handcuffs Cadeto Amarillo to the ring rope.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Once he gets back in the ring Arma Mortal drags the still dazed Cadeto Rosa to his feet, then rears back and clobbers Rosa over the head with the nightstick

CRACK!!

COACH
Man it did not take long for Arma Mortal to leave an impression... on the Pink Ranger’s skull!!

COLE
That's no joking matter, look he's bleeding through his mask, Cadeto Rosa is bleeding through his mask.

Since HeldDOWN is not a PG show we get a close-up of the crimson stain that is spreading across Cadeto Rosa's mask. Then we zoom out and see that Arma Mortal is standing over the fallen Cadeto, nightstick in hand, ready to land another blow. Before he can strike Cadeto Azul rushes into the ring and covers his fallen teammate, taking the nightstick blow intend for him partner

WHACK!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

COLE
This is a massacre, someone do something.

As on command a streak of purple rushes down the aisle and slides into the ring behind Arma Mortal

COLE
MARIACHI TO THE RESCUE!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

When Arma Mortal turns around Mariachi takes him down with a spin kick that knocks the ex-cop through the ropes, dropping his nightstick in the ring. Mariachi quickly grabs the nightstick and takes a wild swing at Arma Mortal as he tried to return to the ring.

CARDINAL
Thank god someone stopped that mad man, this was a total mugging.

Arma Mortal decides to just walk to the back; happy with the carnage he has created. Meanwhile Mariachi helps Cadeto Azul to his feet, then checks on Cadeto Rosa. After a few moments Mariachi and Azul slide Cadeto Rosa under the bottom rope.

COLE
I think Mariachi is taking things into his own hands

COACH
Yeah he knows young meat when he sees it

COLE
WILL YOU BE SERIOUS!! He's helping these guys and you are making gay jokes?

Instead of waiting for the EMTs Mariachi gently picks up Cadeto Rosa and then carries him to the back while Cadeto Azul finds the keys from the handcuff in Arma Mortal's discarded belt.

CARDINAL
It's touching to see Mariachi help these kids out

COACH
Yeah speaking of touching

COLE
COACH!! (annoyed) I think we need a commercial break.

Indeed!

This Anglemania Moment is brought to you by M&M's Candy

ANGLEMANIA 1

QUOTE

Albert and Bradshaw toss D-lo into the ropes but D-lo digs deep for some INTENSITY~! nd clotheslines them. D-lo crawls towards Caboose who is chugging away on the beer. D-lo has no choice but to tag Caboose in. Caboose staggers into the ring (bottle in hand) as Bradshaw points and laughs. Caboose, staggers right into him, elbowing him in the stomach. Caboose then busts the bottle over Bradshaw's head. CABOOSE ISN'T DRUNK!!! SWERVE BAYBEE!!!!!!!

Albert rushes in but D-lo intercepts him and gives him the Skyhigh, Caboose climbs to top rope, and hits the Low Down.
1...2....3!!

CABOOSE AND D'LO WIN

COMMERCIAL

We return from a brief commercial break and go directly to the backstage area. We see Cadeto Rosa being treated for the cut to his head he suffered during the match only moments ago while the other Cadetos keeps him company.

AZUL
Thank god we could get some water to ringside to wash the mace out so quickly.

AMARILLO
Does he have a concussion?

ROSA
I'm okay guys, thanks to Mariachi.

Cadeto Rosa seems to be a little light headed, either from the beating or from finally coming face to face with his idol, Mariachi.

AZUL
Doc do you think he has a concussion?

DR. K. VORKIAN
I don't think so, he mainly needs stitches, and I need to remove the mask.

The Doctor begins to untie the match when the other two Cadetos stop him

AMARILLO
Whoa!! Not in public, we're not removing his mask in public.

AZUL
Lucha tradition, can you take him to a back room or something?

The doctor reluctantly agrees to the request, considering what other wrestlers have demanded of him this is downright civil and normal. As the doctor and Cadeto Rosa leaves the other two Cadetos are distracted by the loud boisterous laughs of the Last Kings of Scotland

AMARILLO
EXCUSE ME!!

The yellow Cadet approaches the rowdy Scots, with Azul trying to stop him

AZUL
Leave it alone, we don't need any trouble.

SCOTTISH SCOTT
Yea' Laddie ye dinna want any trouble now.

AMARILLO
Listen I don't care if you are celebrating St. Patrick's day a little early but man can you keep your drunken roar down a bit?

DANNY BOY
St. Patrick's day?

SCOTTISH SCOTT
Is this lad insulting us?

DANNY BOY
I believe he is.

AMARILLO
Look our friend was just injured, we've both been beaten up and quite frankly we are in no mood for this.

Both Kings of Scotland look at the much, much smaller Cadeto Amarillo, slightly amused by the fact that the pipsqueak dares tell them what to do.

DANNY BOY
Tell you what Lad, you run away now and we won't turn you into a yellow piñata.

AMARILLO
I am not afraid of your Shillelagh!

SCOTTISH SCOTT
He did not just say that? Danny Boy tell me he did not just mistake us for Irish again?

Danny Boy
Aye, he did.

Cadeto Azul realizes what is coming and covers his eyes while Cadeto Amarillo, seemingly having more bravery than brains, is caught by surprise.

WHACK!!

And caught by the club upside the head. Amarillo slumps to the ground in a heap, after which Cadeto Azul rushes in and covers his friend from further abuse.

AZUL
Leave him alone!

DANNY BOY
Ha! What a wanker, can't even take one blow from the club.

SCOTTISH SCOTT
Come on Danny, nothing but little bairns here.

The Last Kings of Scotland walk away, feeling mighty superior and quite please with being able to work out some of their frustration over the lack of a St.... erm Roddy's Day to celebrate everything Scottish. Moments later the doctor returns and sees Azul cradling Cadeto Amarillo in his arms, trying to stop the bleeding.

DR. K. VORKIAN
I think I am going to need more sutures.

[Chanel #99]

We are in the stylish yet impossibly painful to assemble every week interview lounge.


MAYA DUNCAN-BLANCHARD stands beside Terry Taylor.

TERRY
Warm greetings to everyone, I am Terry Taylor, standing in the interview lounge with Queen Of The Ring Maya Duncan Blanchard. Maya, you’ve been an active wrestler since October, what’s it been like?

MAYA
Its been great being an active OAOAST superstar, Uncle Terry. I get all kinds of respect from the kids at school. I gave a speech at the ground breaking for the new science wing, and all the boys gave me a standing ovation. Jade said that had something to do with the wind blowing my skirt up and everyone seeing my underwear, but what does she know anyway?

TERRY
Last week we saw Anglesault give the orders to your Aunt Amberlyn to make sure you don’t win the OAOAST Women’s Title at Anglemania.

MAYA
Anglesuck must think Aunt Amberlyn is glutton for punishment, because sending her after me is just another excuse for me to whup her butt at something. She used to babysit me when I was in elementary and I would school her at hangman, I mean how many times can you pick a variation of the word satisfied before I start to get it on the second guess. Get a freaking dictionary, or something! And I always crush her at rock, paper, scissors. She always picks scissors. Always, never fails. They’re not actual scissors, you can’t stab me with them! And if it were real stuff, I’d pick paper and give you a paper cut on the lips which hurts a lot according to Jackass. And when has Jackass ever not proven to be a wonderful educational tool? Aunt Amber I really need to be women’s champion. Really, really, really bad. Mom’s been a champ here, dad’s been a champ here, and even Jade has to. And if Chubs can do it, then by god so can I!

JADE (OS)
Stop calling me, Chubs!

MAYA
Stop eating brownie and peanut butter sandwhiches for breakfast and I wouldn’t have to! Anyway, Aunt Amber, you’re my Aunt, and I love ya lots but if you stand before me and the Women’s Title I’ll slap you all across Madison Square Garden as only Maya Duncan-Blanchard can!

TERRY
Maya, thanks!

Maya scurries off, leaving Jade and Terry behind.

JADE (OS)
I really don’t eat brownie and peanut butter sandwiches, Uncle Terry. At least not that often.

TERRY
I didn’t say anything.

[Chanel #99]

We return to the arena with DJ Clue's “Super Mario Rap” already playing

COACH
OOOH YEAH!!

For some god forsaken reason Coach has thrown his hands in the air, and he IS waving them like he just don't care. I guess the Borough Boys have at least one fan in the arena tonight.

COLE
You're embarrassing yourself Coach

COACH
Hey when a homeboy sees other homeboys being homeboys he's got to be a homeboy too, ya dig white girl?

MICHAEL BUFFER
The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall, with a 20-minute time limit. Introducing team number one, already on the way to the ring hailing from Brooklyn and Manhattan New York, at a combined weight of 435 pounds, MARIANO! LUUUUUUUUUUUUUTHER! a.k.a. the BOOOOOOOOOOOOROOOOOOOOUHG BOYS!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

You guys sorta suck!!

Yeah we kinda don't like you!!

COLE
The crowd is not really digging the Borough Boys tonight.

COACH
They will once they whip their opponents' asses.

Both Mariano and Luther look annoyed, mainly because they forgot how jaded most of the OAOAST Galaxy is, but also because they know that without good heat they will never get out of the low ranked hell they are in right now.

COLE
Hey Coach, where is Waldo?

COACH
I think he got... hold on, did you just crack wise son?

COLE


MICHAEL BUFFER
ANNNNNND their opponents....

COACH
Who are they facing Cole?

COLE
The name I have listed is the Overly Amazing Obviously Awesome Super Team

COACH
The O.A..OAS... COLE QUIT CLOWNING AROUND!!

COLE
No seriously, that's what the format says.

At that precise moment the most famous and talented character actor to ever grace the silver screen appears, the late, great Lou Albano in his most memorable role ever.

MARIO
Hey, Paesanos!
It's The Super Mario Brothers Super Show!
We're the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's our game,
we're not like the others who get all the fame.

COACH
Oh my god this is horrible!

COLE
It's kinda catch actually.

In the ring both Mariano and Luther are incensed, rightly thinking that the song is a direct mockery of them, their image and the characters they have been sponging off for years.

If your sink is in trouble,
you can call us on the double,
we're faster than the others,
you'll be hooked on the Brothers! Uh!

MICHAEL BUFFER
And their opponents, weighing in at a combined weight of 601 pounds, straight outta Bowser's castle, here is Pequeño Bowser and the Spiny Cow-pa, also known as LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-CHADORS!!

The crowd sits silent for a moment, then Bribón, dressed like a tiny version of Bowser, and the Cow, complete with a spiky turtle shell on, burst through the curtains while dancing to the music.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

COLE
Los Moo-Chadors?

COACH
I.. what the?

COLE
I guess they worked out their differences after last week; this is awesome!!

Do the Mario!
Swing your arms from side to side.
Come on, it's time to go. Do the Mario!
Take one step, and then again.
Let's do the Mario, all together now!
You got it!

Pequeño Bowser does the Mario as they slowly make their way down to the ring, since Spiny Cow-Pa does not have any hands to swing from side to side he runs back and forth between the audience members of either side of the aisle, giving them an opportunity to pat him as they make their way to the ring.

It's the Mario!
Do the Mario!
Swing your arms from side to side.
Come on, it's time to go.
Do the Mario!
Take one step, and then again.
Let's do the Mario,
All together now! Come on now.

Both Mariano and Luther throw their hats down in anger and disgust, both for having to face a little guy and a Cow and because their opponents basically stole their gimmick and already got a better reaction that the Borough Boys could ever hope for.

COACH
This is ridiculous! I mean really two goofs from a video game?

COLE
The fans like it.

COACH
Yeah, well they're all fat geeks who live in their mother's basements.

COLE
Well thank god Mommy gave them money to go to the show tonight or you would be out of a paycheck.

Spiny Cow-Pa steps through the ropes, managing to not get it's spikes tangled up in the ropes, while Pequeño Bowser climbs up the ropes, then strikes a gangster pose with his arms crossed as the song ends.

Just like that!

COLE
OOOH YEAH!!

COACH
No one talks like that Cole; you're nothing but a caricature.

Los Moo-chadors huddle in the corner, trying to determine which of them starts in the ring. On the other side of the ring Mariano takes the lead while Luther gets out on the apron. Mariano winds up for a major punch while Los Mo-chadors plays a quick game of rock-paper-scissors-ray gun-hoof to figure out who will start.

While the two of them play the game Mariano keeps winding up his right arm.

1-2-3-GO!!

Spiny Cow-Pa holds out a hoof while Pequeño Bowser holds up paper, which we all know loses to hoof every time

Mariano is still winding up the arm

COLE
I bet he plays hoof every time

Still winding

COACH
Would you turn around so my boy can hit you!!

Coach is getting annoyed as Mariano keeps winding up his right arm, keeping it going for so long that he begins to get a little winded from the physical exertion and has to lean against the ropes.

COLE
Score one for Los Moo-Chadors!!

Luther tags in, giving his partner a break so he can catch his breath, and then steps through the ropes. Luther charges at the Spiny Cow-Pa, who drops down on his knees followed by Luther leaping over the top avoiding the spikes.

DOOOOOOOING!!

Both Coach and Cole look around, trying to figure out where the heck the sound effect came from. Luther on the other hand seems to not care as much as he bounces off the ropes, using his momentum to drop kick Spiny Cow-Pa in the ass

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OUCH!!

The knick does not actually know the Cow-Pa down, neither does a second drop kick from Luther but a leg sweep brings Cow-Pa down onto his ass. Luther uses the opening to kick Cow-Pa with a spinning kick to the snout

COLE
Animal abuse!

Mariano is quickly tagged in and after a moment of hesitation both Borough Boys grabs Cow-Pa in a front headlock and grabs it's shield. Their first suplex attempt is blocked, as is a second attempt. A third attempt does not even get off the ground before Pequeño Bowser comes flying off the top rope, drop kicking both Borough Boys off Cow-Pa.

COACH
Keep that dirty mutant turtle out of the ring!

COLE
Hey it was two on one, he is just evening the odds.

After saving his buddy Pequeño Bowser throws Mariano against the ropes with a twisting head scissors, with the Borough Boy ending up straddled across the middle rope.

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Cow-Pa gets a head of steam and leaps onto the back of Mariano, doing its best Big Bossman impression.

REFEREE
Back off the ropes, bad Cow!! Bad Cow!!

Mariano gets back to his feet, shaken but not too stirred after being dry humped by the Cow-Pa. His break is only short lived as the Cow-Pa headbuts him in the midsection, sending the green clad Borough Boy back into the ropes

DOOOOOOOING!!

And another headbutt

DOOOOOOOING!!

Followed by a third headbutt

DOOOOOOOING!!

Mariano slumps to the ground, holding his midsection from the repeated headbutts. After a celebratory victory stomp around the ring the Cow-Pa tags in Pequeño Bowser. The tiny luchador leaps up on the top rope, but hesitates as Mariano is more than half way across the ring.

COACH
Ha! He can't jump that far.

While Coach is right about the distance; it does not keep Pequeño Bowser from running down the ropes all the way to a turnbuckle closer to Mariano, allowing him to come off the top rope with a Macho Man-esque elbow drop.

ONE!!


TWO!!


TH-KICKOUT!!

After leaping back to his feet Pequeño Bowser pulls out what looks like a fire flower from his shell, apparently ready to hand it to Mariano

COLE
No don't do it!

COACH
Do what? I don't get it.

COLE
The fire flower gives them more powers, IS HE CRAZY??

Mariano looks at the flower in Pequeño Bowser, then at the man himself, then back to the flower as he tries to figure out exactly what the point of this is.

LUTHER
Yo man, you can't smoke dat shit!

That comment seems to disappoint Mariano just a little. After a few moments Mariano decides to go for the flower.

At that moment a red faced creature crawls out from under the ring, screaming at the top of his lungs

ADMIRAL AKBAR
IT'S A...

POW~!

Instead of the flower Pequeño Bowser gives Mariano a drop kick to the knees

ADMIRAL AKBAR
TRA... oh, too late.

Depressed by being too late to warn Mariano, Admiral Akbar just skulks off to the back. Inside the ring Pequeño Bowser tries to kick Mariano in the knee again, but his bigger opponent blocks Pequeño Bowser before he can make contact. With a good grip on the shirt Mariano lifts his opponent up on the top rope and then slaps him

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Slapping a Mini-Estrella is apparently instant heat in OAOAST, take note all future cheap-heat seekers, get it "heat seeker", get it??

Usually Mariano would not have the strength advantage in any match, but with a diminutive opponent he is actually able to press him over his head, doing a pretty accurate Road Warrior impression as he pumps his opponent a few times in the air.

COACH
WHOOP THERE IT IS!!

COLE
Did you pick that up on BET??... In 1997??

After pumping it up a few times Mariano callously drops Pequeño Bowser chest first on the top turnbuckle.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! YOU SUCK!! YOU SUCK!!

After tagging his partner Mariano spits at the Cow-Pa, bringing the raging mad Cow into the ring. with the referee distracted the Borough Boys takes the opportunity to double team Pequeño Bowser. Mariano whips their diminutive opponent into the corner, followed by Luther who leaps at Pequeño Bowser

NOTHING BUT TURNBUCKLE!!

Luther crashes to the canvas in a heap as Pequeño Bowser ducked out of the way at the very last moment. When Mariano tries to attack him he crawls between Mariano's legs, then through Spiny Cow-Pa's legs and into the corner behind his bovine buddy.

COACH
What a chicken!

COLE
I think you tried that joke at the Heartland Spectacular as well Coach; your material is getting stale.

Mariano and the Cow-Pa come face-to-face, nose-to-snout, foot-to-hoof, it's a Mexican standoff is what I am saying! The Cow-Pa begins to snort and scratch on the ground as he stares at Mariano. After a moment Mariano realizes that perhaps red was not the best color to wear when fighting a bovine.

COACH
Oh that's such a myth, neither cows nor bulls are angered by the color Red.

COLE
Maybe he's mad because they hurt his little buddy?

COACH
He may as well be mad at God, you know as well as I that midgets are meant to be tossed around for our enjoyment.

Cole gets up and moves five feet away from Coach.

COACH
What are you doing?

COLE
Just getting out of the way of the lightning bolt.

In the ring Mariano mocks the Cow-Pa pretending to be a bullfighter, apparently he missed the previous week's HeldDOWN where Bribón did the same bit, only with more charisma and style. The Cow-Pa charges, but Mariano ducks to the side, only for his opponent to suddenly lunge towards him as he...

CRASH!!

Drives his spikes right into Mariano's mid-section!!



The entire crowd grows hushed, shocked as Mariano's eyes bulge out and he looks down

COACH
Oh no

COLE
Those spikes, they...

Mariano's look of surprise turns to a look of anger as he looks down and sees the plastic spines just crushed against his abdomen, not impaling him as everyone had feared.

COLE
Yep plastic, thought so.

Luther sees an opening since everyone is distracted by Cow-Pa and Mariano, and launches himself at Pequeño Bowser once more. But like before the little luchador moves out of the way, this time pulling down the middle rope so that Luther flies through the ropes and to the mat with a sick thud.

COACH
Who is the legal man.. thing??

COLE
The legal Man-Thing? I'm not sure they're actually legal outside of San Francisco.

With one Borough Boy down los Moo-Chadors take the advantage by Cow-Pa kicking Mariano in the gut, leaving him in a perfect position for a spinning head scissors from Pequeño Bowser. The crowd begins to cheer as the Cow-Pa actually climbs up the ropes, teetering precariously on the top rope for a second before leaping off...

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

CRACK!!

Crashing down on top of Mariano with what could generously be described as a double leg drop, although only if you are a very generous man on St. Generous day where all generous people are 25% extra generous.

ONE!!



TWO!!!



THREE!!!

BRRRDEDEP!! (The sound of Mario losing a life in the game)

DING!! DING!! DING!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Here are your winners, Los MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-CHADORS!!

Do the Mario!
Swing your arms from side to side.
Come on, it's time to go. Do the Mario!
Take one step, and then again.
Let's do the Mario, all together now!
You got it!

Pequeño Bowser leads more or less the entire arena in a celebratory "Mario" dance, while the Spiny Cow-Pa stomps around the ring, proudly strutting as he kicks imaginary dust on Mariano

COACH
I can't believe these idiots won, I cannot believe that some kid and two men in a cow su---

COLE
SUITE!! THEY'RE LIVING IN THE COW SUITE

COACH
No I'm talking about the two g-

COLE
-REAT COMPETITORS IN THE RING, he, he.

Cole shoots Coach a dirty look while mouthing "Kayfabe man, keep the kayfabe"

COACH
Oh for fuc..

*Cut to commercial*

COMMERCIAL

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S...

ANGLEMANIA TEN

OAOAST World Title, Submissions Count Anywhere
"Rocksault" Jason Silver © vs. Krista Isadora Duncan

World Tag Team Title Match
D*LUX vs. LDC Moneygang ©

Barbed Wire Match
Bruce Blank vs. Bohemoth

Last Man Standing
Baron Windels vs. Reject

Women's Title, Eight Girl Scramble Match
Lorelei DeCenzo © Vs Morgan Nerdly Vs Amberlyn Duncan Vs Maya Duncan-Blanchard Vs Maggie Nerdly Vs Melody Nerdly Vs Sophie Vs Holly

VICE, James Riggs, and Pierce Duncan vs. The OCC's, Alix, and Leon Rodez

Billy Cassidy vs. a OAOAST Legend

SUNDAY NIGHT, APRIL 3rd

ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Inside the ring stands Terry Taylor as we return from commercial break.

TERRY
Oakland, California and OAOAST Marks around the world, welcome back BARON WINDELS!

“Not Afraid” cues and the Lone Star Gunslinger receives a thunderous ovation.

COLE
It was just last week Baron Windels returned to the OAOAST after being brutally assaulted by the Deadly Alliance in the men’s restroom at Anglepalooza.

COACH
Jeez, Cole, you make it sound like Reject and the boys had their way with BW on a pinball machine.

BW poses in each corner before the interview gets underway.

TERRY
BW, last week you almost nabbed the #1 fugitive on your most wanted list in Reject. This after many -- myself included -- thought you’d never set foot in a OAOAST ring again. Yet here you are, just like you’ll be in New York City on April 3rd when you and Reject meet in a match where all members of the Deadly Alliance will be handcuffed to the ring posts.

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
Oh, my!

COACH
What?!

BARON
Reject may have shot the sheriff, Terry, but as you and the OAOAST Galaxy can see, he didn’t kill him. And kill me you’d have to do to win our match at AngleMania, Reject. I don’t care if you and your goons jump me in a restroom, the parking lot or the airport, there won’t be a repeat of Anglepalooza. Knock me unconscious-- throw a bucket of ice water on my face. My heart stops-- shock me back to life. At AngleMania, we fight till the last man standing!

“Final Ride” by TRU cues unexpectedly as REJECT bursts onstage with TK and Sandman.

REJECT
Once again the OAOAST decides to screw with the Deadly Alliance. For them to force the guys to be handcuffed like common criminals to the ring post is total bullshit.

COACH
Damn straight.

“REJECT SUCKS!”
“REJECT SUCKS!”
“REJECT SUCKS!”

REJECT


COACH
Tell these people to shut up, Cole.

COLE
The OAOAST Galaxy is exercising their First Amendment right.

REJECT
Speaking of shit, that’s what you remind me of BW. No matter how hard I scrape the bottom of my boot it just won’t go away until I get the hose. And bring the hose I will to AngleMania, but don’t expect to be sprayed. I’m gonna choke you out till I’m the last man standing! In fact, why don’t I give you a little preview?

COACH
Lucky Baron. He doesn’t have to wait till AngleMania to get him some of Reject.

COLE
But it’s 3 against 1.

COACH
Just look at it as a character builder, Mikey Cole.

BW grabs a STEEL CHAIR from ringside as the DA move in. Suddenly he’s ambushed by FELIX STRUTTER and KEN PANTERA.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Where the heck did the Can-Am Assassins come from? We haven’t seen them in weeks.

BW puts up a fight but he’s no match for 5 men.

COACH
It’s Anglepalooza all over again.

BW’s arms and legs are pinned down while he’s repeatedly jabbed in the gut with the steel chair by Reject.

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Help finally arrives in the form of fellow Citizen Soldier TIM CASH, but a vicious CHAIRSHOT takes care of him.

COLE
Won’t somebody stop this!

The OAOAST Galaxy erupts again as DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW, bad knee and all, storms the ring.

COACH
It’s the Flaming Gigolo.

Deuce single-handedly puts an end to the DA’s reign of terror, to the crowd’s delight.

COLE
Deuce is a house afire!

The Flaming Gigolo hammers Reject in the corner until MISTER DICK runs in and delivers a CHOP BLOCK!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

After a job well done MD returns backstage with a sly smirk on his face. Back in the ring, the DA do a number on Deuce while OAOAST officials look on helpless.

* THUNK *

* THUNK *

* THUNK *

REJECT


The DA bail after BW nails the CAA and Sandman with a steel chair.

COLE
Finally!

OAOAST officials escort the DA backstage as BW checks on Cash and Deuce.

COLE
You can bet there will be hell at AngleMania when BW and Reject collide.

[Chanel #99]

HOLLY ON HOLLY

HOLLY
My name is Holly and I don’t give two flying (beep) about any of the (beep) here.

A clip of Holly drilling a nameless opponent with The Percussion DDT.

HOLLY
My ass is in an eight bitch scramble match at (beep) Anglemania. In this piece of shit match with me is a real uptight virgin (beep) Morgan Nerdly. Last year at New Years Spectacular I had my shoulders pinned to the mat by this dainty (beep) who’s never sucked a good (beep) in her life.

A clip of Morgan defeating Holly at last year’s New Years Day show is shown.

HOLLY
But, Morgan, what the (beep) do you think the shit eating (beep) hugging fans remember most about our feud? If you ask me, I think they remember me coming out like queen bitch at Anglemania after you beat Crystal. And they’ll remember me slapping your prissy no (beep) getting ass like I owned you, bitch. I’ll tell you what I remember, Morgan. I remember me taking that women’s title from you at Anglemania. And try as you may and try as you might, you couldn’t get the (beep) back could you? How does it feel, Morgan, how does it feel to be helpless? How does it feel that a bitch like me came in and (beep) over your entire (beep) world in five god damn minutes? Just in case you (beep) forgot, you can relive it all at Anglemania ten, you stupid runt bitch.

We fade out on Holly to find…


MORGAN NERDLY

AND


MAGGIE NERDLY

Watching on a TV screen.

MAGGIE
Can you believe the nerve of that chick? Are you okay Morgan?

MORGAN
I…I…I’m fine.

MAGGIE
You look far from fine. Fine is Edmonton and you’re somewhere in China!

MORGAN
I’m not a runt bitch! I don’t wanna be a bad person anymore, I don’t want to have to hurt people, but I can’t stop, not when they keep pushing me. And she’s pushed me too far!

MAGGIE
Chill, it’ll be cool.

MORGAN
No! It won’t be cool! People think because I’m shy, or because I have mental illnesses, or because I’m little I can be made fun of. People are jerks! They just want to hurt me! All of them!

MAGGIE
This sounds like Leon talk.

MORGAN
And Holly’s the biggest jerk of them all, and I’ve got to hurt her.

COMMERCIAL



An odd couple if ever there was one, Maya Blanchard-Duncan is doing something you wouldn't usually expect- giving the time of day to Spencer Reiger. But, hey, families are complicated and sometimes awkward conversations happen. Although both Spencer and Maya seem to be making an effort to play it cool as they hang out just outside the catering area.

MAYA
...so then she runs across the side of the pool screaming "help help, the seagulls are after me", slips, falls flat on her face, the seagulls snatch all the bread and manage to pull off her bikini top in the process, leaving her laying there too embarrassed to move... Lizzy Epstein damn near blew orange juice through her nose we were laughing so hard.

SPENCER
Wow.

MAYA
Yup.

SPENCER
Are you sure Jade's cool with you telling me these stories?

MAYA
Don't know, don't care. Wanna hear another?

Spencer laughs and shakes his head.

SPENCER
Boy, you really are Krista's kid, aren't you?

MAYA
That's what my birth certificate says. Also, my OAOAST contract. Pretty sure it's why I'm making more than you.

SPENCER
Uh huh. Hope that money comes in handy when the entire women's division is coming after you the way everybody's always coming after 'Mommy'. How many people have you pissed off so far? Four? Five?

MAYA
That's rich coming from you, Mr Popularity. Besides, I ain't even sweating it. If I win the women's title then everybody'll be after me anyway.

SPENCER
Yeah. If. Takes a champion to know a champion and I know which Duncan is championship material. My one.

MAYA
Hmm, we'll see how that goes at AngleMania, won't we?

SPENCER
I'd say 'good luck', but that'd probably get me in trouble.

MAYA
I'd say good luck for you and Colin, but I wouldn't mean it.

Maya sneers at Spencer playfully.

SPENCER
(smirking)
What is it with you Duncan girls?

MAYA
You mean how we're all varying degrees of awesome?

SPENCER
No. How you're all queuing up to flirt with me lately. First Jade's falling for me, then your Aunt's all over me, you're here playing around and giving me the eyes. When do we get to your Mom, because I'd like to be prepared.

MAYA
Uhm, incase you hadn't noticed, I'm not exactly in your "range".

SPENCER
Maybe in Beverly Hills. But you come to New York and it'd be all legal.

Maya stares at Spencer for a second, OUTRAGED... and then marches off, with Spencer in hot pursuit!

SPENCER
Whoa whoa whoa, where are you going?

MAYA
To sign your death warrant. Preferrably a painful bloody one.

SPENCER
What's the matter? I thought we were just playing around!

His attempts to stop Maya fail and the littlest Duncan storms into the dressing rooms, where Jade and D*LUX are surprised by the door slamming nearly off it's hinges.

SPENCER
Jade, can you talk some sense into her?

JADE
What the hell's going on...

MAYA
I'll tell you what's going on. Your precious boyfriend is trying to trade you in for a younger model!

JADE
Wha...

MAYA
A younger, hotter model. Sorry. Carry on.

JADE
......
What? Spencer?

Up off the couch Tyler and Shayne are ready to confront Spencer, who backs off and tries to defuse the situation.

JADE
Is this true!?

TYLER
I knew this was gonna happen... I told you this guy was trouble...

SPENCER
Hey, back off! Would you all just simmer down? I haven't done anything! Jesus. Look, babe, listen to me. All I did was make a joke! That's all. We were kidding around and I just said that things are different where I come from, as far as... you know, age of consent goes. But it was just a joke! That's all! A joke. And then she starts freaking out like Chris Hansen is fixing to jump out from behind the coffee machine and get in my face or something! Why would I be trying it on with your little sister? You need to tell her to stop flattering herself.

MAYA
Excuse me!?

Suddenly Maya is outraged at not being hit on. Things slowly calm down and Jade, having taken everything in, tries to smooth things out.

JADE
It's okay. It was just a misunderstanding, nothing to get worked up about.

MAYA
Misunderstanding!?

Maya and Tyler still don't seem so sure, but Shayne cools Tyler down, apparantly taking Jade's stance.

SHAYNE
Maybe you guys should go clear your head. We'll deal with miss honey trap here.

MAYA
Congratulations, that's the smartest thing you've ever said in your life and it's still stupid.

JADE
Shayne's right. Let's leave her to sulk, shall we?

Jade ushers Spencer out the door, turning back to give Maya a scowl for causing trouble, before heading out with him. Maya, totally not sulking, folds her arms and pouts in annoyance. Shayne sits down to try and hear her out, but Tyler still looks agitated.

[Chanel #99]

We return from break to find the arena shrouded in red, white, and green lights. However, our focus is on Sofa Central at the moment.

COLE
Folks, the road to Anglemania is red hot, and the media buzz has been intense. Tomorrow you can catch none other than Zack Malibu, Tyler Bryant, and Shayne Brave on On Air With Ryan Seacrest! And Krista Isadora Duncan will have her E! True Hollywood story told this Sunday at 7 pm on E!

We shift our view to Terry Taylor, in a white Anglemania polo shirt, inside the ring.

COACH
Why is that fool Taylor in the ring? He ain't wrestling is he?

COLE
I doubt it, you know he does have a side gig interviewing people

Ciña oh Patria! tus sienes de olivia

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHH!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHH!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHH!!

COLE
Oh come on, can we not have one week where these guys are not out here insulting everyone.

COACH
Funny I keep thinking the same about you.

BOOM!*BOOM!!*BOOM!*BOOM!*BOOM!!*BOOM!*BOOM!*BOOM!!*BOOM!

Well that was new eh?

Dr. Lucha, Jr. steps out through the smoke, proudly waving the Mexican flag as he walks to the ring. He is soon joined by the rest of La Ola Mexicana, as well as a couple of masked people that have not been seen on OAOAST television before.

COLE
Holy moley where does he find these people?

COACH
Probably Mexico, and could you please stop with the stupid questions... oh wait then you'd be silent all the time… wait I would actually like that a lot.

Dr. Lucha, Jr. stands next to Terry Taylor while the rest of the group line up behind him.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Alright Pollo Loco I'll take it from here

COACH
HA!! Pollo Loco, that's funny

COLE
Is he paying you to laugh at his jokes now?

TAYLOR
I was asked to come out here to interview you guys.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
That's nice, but you see we don't need the OAOAST to censor us; we don't need some flunkie to lead us through this. You can get out... or be put out.

Terry looks a little nervous as he stares at the wrestlers behind him, especially when Espiritu Negro approaches him while brandishing a black kendo stick.

TAYLOR
I'm getting too old for this shit

And with that Terry Taylor leaves the ring.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Good riddance

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Dr. Lucha does not seem bothered by the boos, instead he paces back and forth like a man with something on his mind.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
You know I've been trying to play nice.

COLE
This guy has a weird sense of what "nice" is

DR. LUCHA, JR.
I figured, all right I will give the OAOAST the benefit of the doubt. But every human being has a breaking point, a point where he has to stand up and say, "enough is enough"

USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
You guys reached that point over some silly tea in Boston, apparently your breaking point is rather low

COLE
Did he really just brush off the American Revolution

COACH
Now thats OLD SCHOOL!!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
The people that know me always comment that I have the patient of a saint, I am levelheaded guy and can keep it together under pressure.

BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
I've tried to work with OAOAST, I've tried to work with "The man" (yes he made the air quotes) but frankly I cannot take it any more! OAOAST has systematically tried to destroy everything FILL stood for.

COACH
TESTIFY BROTHA!!

COLE
DO you even care about any of this?

COACH
Hey a man is being held down, I'm right there with him

COLE
You're saying you want to be held down too? Have you seen a shrink about this problem?

DR. LUCHA, JR.
They change the name to MILLF, fine I say - it's just branding, it's just a name. I get it and yes I get the joke but I let that slide. Then they're like "Sorry but the US Audience is not ready for best two out of three fall matches every week"

COLE
That's bull, that is a bald faced lie!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
I had to fight tooth and nail for that stipulation for the Heartland Spectacular!

BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
You're right it is bullshit; it's bullshit that we have to simplify ourselves to fit the "American Market". It's bullshit that we were told that we could only appear on OAOAST television if we spoke English!! Made us take a damn test!

COACH
What? They let Cole butcher the English language day in and day out.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
So they speak poor English and you don't want to see them on TV? I mean dear god there are parts of the US where they can't even speak proper English - ya'll! So I put my foot down!

Dr. Lucha, Jr. demonstratively stomps his foot on the canvas to underline his point.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
You see these guys at the end?

He points to two masked wrestlers at the end both dressed in identical outfits except for "IV" and "V" on their tights


DR. LUCHA, JR.
These guys are part of a famous Lucha family, Maniaco IV and V! Respected veterans of the ring and they are told "Sorry you don't speak the language well enough"?? THAT IS AN OUTRAGE!! I don't care, I've invited them here and language be damned!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
What is it that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty says? "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free", but they forgot to add this: "But stay the hell off our television if you do not speak the language!!"

COLE
This guy is a sanctimonious ass!

COACH
You would never understand, you've not been held down, you've lived your little white bread life and been shielded from everything bad

COLE
That's rich coming from someone who is more vanilla than Carlton Banks.

COACH
You did not just go there!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
The OAOAST just wants people that fit their mold. Next they want us all to unmask, bleach our hair and work as homosexual boy bands!

COLE
That's not ALL OAOAST is.

COACH
No don't forget the lesbians, can't forget the lesbians.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Well you may have bought the company Mr. OAOAST, but you cannot buy our spirit!

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT!!

COLE
They're calling it like they see it.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Trying to crush all of our traditions under your heel will not work.

An enraged Dr. Lucha, Jr. stops next to this guy



DR. LUCHA, JR.
In Mexico we have a rich tradition of the Mini-Estrellas, not midgets or dwarves or whatever sideshow attraction it is in the US. These are highly skilled wrestlers, who just happen to be less than five feet tall. This guy here, Gladiadorcito, is a legendary Mini-Estrella and the reigning FILL Mini-Estrellas championship.

The diminutive luchador taps his belt with pride.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
The OAOAST asked all champions to turn their titles in when they took over, except they either did not know or did not care about the Mini-Estrellas champion! Apparently you have to be THIS TALL!

He holds up his hand slightly over the head of Gladiadorcito.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
To wrestle for OAOAST.

COLE
That's ridiculous, OAOAST is not roid-beast land, we're an equal opportunity employer.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
My criterion is TALENT! And this guy proves that huge talent sometimes comes in small packages so I invited him to join La Ola Mexicana.

GLADIADORCITO
You made a BIG mistake! Dr. Lucha brought me to the OAOAST and I will prove to everyone that you do not need to be 6 foot tall to be successful!!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
There is a fundamental lack of respect for Lucha Libre running through this promotion! But don't worry we are here to teach you some damn respect! Neck by broken neck, win by win!! You will respect La Ola Mexicana!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
You see Los Hijos del Infierno there?? Three times FILL Tag Team Champions, five times Mexican tag team champions and voted tag team of the year in Mexico four times!! These guys are the real deal!!

Dr. Lucha, Jr. walks over and puts his hand on Espiritu Negro's shoulder

DR. LUCHA, JR.
And this guy... the most sadistic bastard I have ever met, he does not request your respect, he does not demand it, he beats it out of you.

ESPIRITU NEGRO
Damn right!

CRACK~!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

To the surprise of everyone in the arena and especially in the ring Espiritu Negro cracks Dr. Lucha, Jr. over the head with his black Kendo Stick. Three more blows follow the first blow to the head, knocking Dr. Lucha, Jr. to the ground before the rest of the guys in the ring can even react.

COLE
What is going on?

Espiritu Negro leaps over the top rope and runs halfway up the aisle before pulling his mask off.

COLE
THAT WAS EL CAMALEÓN!!

COACH
That dirty, lying, cheating.

El Camaleón is quickly joined by his friends Aviador Divina, Guerrero Dorada, Tigre Azteca and Los Cadetos del Espacio to even the odds.

EL CAMALEÓN
You should put that mask on your ass if you're going to spend so much time talking out of it!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

EL CAMALEÓN
First of all you only care about yourself, if you prospered without Lucha rules you would be a happy camper. Second of all, the OAOAST is NOT! They are not trying to downplay Lucha Libre, but they are expecting us to adapt a bit - it's a two way street Doctor! You can't just have it your way all the time!

COLE
See I told you he was full of it.

COACH
Yes Camaleón certainly is full of it.

EL CAMALEÓN
I appreciate the OAOAST giving us the chance to show the world, not just Mexico but the entire world what Lucha Libre is truly about. And trust me, it's nothing like what this pathetic excuse of a human being is trying to make it out to be.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
So you're happy to be held down, told what to do and pushed around?

EL CAMALEÓN
Who is held down? Are you kidding me? So not every single match is under Lucha rules, but we're here and we're showing the fans worldwide what we can do.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
How about we show you all what we can do

Dr. Lucha gives his team a nod, sending everyone (but himself) to the floor, heading for a confrontation with the MILLF tecnicos. The clash of the Luchadors is interrupted as a large contingency of OAOAST Security rushes out to separate the two factions

LET THEM FIGHT!! LET THEM FIGHT!! LET THEM FIGHT!!

COLE
It's breaking down here in Oakland!!

COACH
I'm confused, is Espiritu Negro actually El Camaleón??

COLE
I don't think so Coach; they've both been in the ring at the same time, as recent as the Heartland Special.

COACH
So... no?

COLE
Correct.

*Fade to commercial as the OAOAST security earns their pay tonight.*

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

"Medal" plays unexpectedly, and even more unexpected is that it brings out Anglesault alone, as the company founder is not accompanied by any members of his faction. Looking more solemn than brash tonight, Anglesault heads to the ring, barely acknowledging the negative reaction from the fans.

COLE
One week ago, Zack Malibu laid out his plan for Anglemania. One last match with Anglesault, a Survive or Surrender match with Winner Take All ramifications. If Zack defeated Anglesault, then Anglesault would have to LEAVE the OAOAST!

COACH
There ain't no way that's happenin'!

COLE
We don't know what's happening, Coach! Once Zack threw down the gauntlet, Anglesault simply walked off. He was speechless, and I'm guessing that right now, we're going to hear what he thinks of Zack's challenge.

Anglesault has the mic, and looks around, surveying the fans. Instead of lashing out at them as he is prone to do, he simply starts talking calmly.

ANGLESAULT
Last week on HeldDOWN~!, for the first time ever, I was left speechless. I didn't have a retort or a reply within me when Zack Malibu revealed his grand plan for Anglemania Ten. The two of us, fighting one more time, in a Survive or Surrender match. Yet that, that's not what left me speechless. Deep down, after War Games, I had a feeling Zack would try to use that deal he bartered for control of Anglemania to back me into a corner.

Anglesault sighs, looking almost depressed, and continues while looking down at the mat.

ANGLESAULT
Even so, it wasn't the challenge. It wasn't the stipulation...it was THE GALL of Zack Malibu to try and blackmail me into handing my company over! Because that's what this is, Zack, blackmail! You bait me into a match, after I haven't even had a match in two years, and throw every stipulation you see fit on top of it? SCREW YOU, Zack, because my answer is NO.

With that, Anglesault throws the mic down and goes to leave, but pauses when "Getting Away With Murder" hits!

COLE
Here he comes!

COACH
Of course he's coming out now. He's a damn attention whore!

Zack Malibu heads down the ramp, mic in hand, and starts talking on his way to the ring.

MALIBU
You're saying no? You're refusing to get in the ring with me?

Anglesault again says nothing, as Malibu gets into the ring.

MALIBU
Weeks, months, YEARS go by, and you do everything in your power to put my back to the wall, but the minute the tide turns, you tuck tail and run? Is that your legacy, Anglesault? That you left this company, the one that you claim will die without you, as a coward?

Anglesault grows incensed, but continues to remain silent.

MALIBU
I have gone through everything...EVERYTHING, that you have thrown at me, and I'm still standing. The thing is, so are you. The only way this ends is if we end it, for better or worse. None of your boys, none of my friends. Just me, you, and this ring. Anglemania Two is what started this, and Anglemania Ten is going to be what ends it.

ANGLESAULT
What do I get out of this, Zack? If I win, I live to fight you another day, but if I lose, I lose it all? I'm no sucker, Zack, and that's a suckers bet. If you want me in this ring, if you want to end this, then I want sacrifice. I want collateral. Most of all, I want YOUR CAREER on the line.

Malibu and Anglesault lock eyes, staring each other down, as Anglesault's challenge has obviously gotten to Malibu.

ANGLESAULT
You said you'd die trying if you couldn't beat me, and that's what I want to see. The career, the legacy, every ounce of your being...I want Zack Malibu as we know him to DIE. Because you're absolutely right, and for once we agree. This needs to end. It HAS to end. So if you want it, and I want it, we need to come to terms right now.

MALIBU
I'm all ears.

ANGLESAULT
I'll agree to your match, on these terms. First, if I'm putting my career on the line, in any aspect...wrestler, manager, behind the scenes, you are two. One man wins, the other walks away.

MALIBU
Done.

ANGLESAULT
Secondly, if I win...well, WHEN I win...I want my company back. One hundred percent of my company back. Which means the shares you sold to all of your pals revert back to me.

MALIBU
And how do you expect me to make that happen? I don't own those shares, they do. It's up to them now, not me.

ANGLESAULT
Which leads me to my next, and final point. I want to know who has control exactly. All five of them. I know Caboose, and Some Guy, and Tony...but I want the final two to reveal themselves in person, next week. If you can't hold up your end, then we have no deal, no match, no Anglemania, and we keep going around in circles. Pressure's on, ball's in your court, Zack. I'll see you next week.

With that, Anglesault drops his mic and walks off, leaving Malibu without a response. The anger is visible on Zack's face as he stares at Anglesault walking away, while the CFO smiles proudly on the ramp.

COLE
If anything, we wound up with more questions than answers tonight! Zack Malibu has agreed to put his career on the line against Anglesault's at Anglemania Ten, but if he can't get the five shareholders to agree to put up their power in the company, we have no match!

COACH
That's why Anglesault is a great businessman, Mikey Cole. He's not about to let his feelings for Zack get him roped into a bad deal. It looks like we'll find out fo' sho' next week if we've got an Anglemania main event or not!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

When we return to the arena Michael Cole is standing in the ring with Leonardo Vincenzo De La Hoya Verazcruz Cardinal, the OAOAST's MILLF liaison and professor on everything Lucha Libre (he has a PhD in Lucha Libre, ask him and he will happily show you his diploma from that Chilean Online University).

COLE
Leonardo I am told that you have a very exciting announcement this week.

CARDINAL
Yes indeed Michael, it is my great pleasure to bring a Lucha Libre tradition to the OAOAST, something that FI... excuse me MILLF has been doing every year for 10 years now.

COACH
Running in the red?

Fortunately neither Cole nor Cardinal heard Coach's snide remark.

CARDINAL
Each year we hold a tournament to honor one of the greatest luchadors in history, El Enmascarado Murcielago.

COLE
Murcilago? I was a huge fan of his movies growing up!

CARDINAL
Well who wasn't, and for those of you that are wondering, his name means the "Masked Bat", he was one of the greatest showmen to ever work in the squared circle.

COACH
*cough* Batman rip-off *cough* (Note: not actually true, Murcielago made his debut in 1935, Batman was a few years later but it's a common misconception)

CARDINAL
Perhaps the greatest masked wrestler ever! So every year, around the anniversary of his death we hold the "La Leyenda de la Máscara" tournament.

COLE
The Legend of the Mask?

CARDINAL
See Rosetta Stone worked for you Cole, very good. It will be a Torneo Cibernetico match and this year 18 competitors will qualify for the match, which will be at... AngleMania X!!

COLE
AngleMania X? That is huge, awesome!

CARDINAL
The invitations went out last week; we have invited 24 masked wrestlers in OAOAST

COLE
Hold on, 24? But you said it was an 18-man match, what gives?

CARDINAL
On the HeldDOWN! before AngleMania X there will be a 24 man qualifying battle royal. The first six men eliminated do not qualify. The rest of the battle royal is used to determine the teams for “Leyenda de la Máscara”, the even numbered eliminations are on one team and the odd numbered eliminations are on the other team.

COLE
So not only will we have the “Leyenda de la Mascara” but a battle royal only 4 days before that?

CARDINAL
Indeed, I told the OAOAST officials that MILLF would deliver the goods, and Dios Mio we will prove it at AngleMania X!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

The crowd seems to appreciate the prospects of the Torneo Cibernetico, a match format that once won "Match of the year" and always delivers the action.

COLE
Can you reveal who will be in the battle royal?

CARDINAL
Certainly Coach! First of all we have Los Reyes del Aire, that is Tigre Azteca, Guerrero Dorada and Aviador Divina. Also El Camaleón and Bribón

COLE
Bribón? You mean...

Cole holds up his hand at around waist height, not daring to say the words midget or dwarf in these PC times.

CARDINAL
He signed up for it, if he wants to compete we will let him. The match will also feature La Ola Mexicana, El Juez, Hijos del Infierno and Espiritu Negro.

COLE
What about Dr. Lucha, Jr.??

CARDINAL
Unfortunately he has not been cleared to wrestle yet, doctors tell me it will be 2 to 3 months before he can step back in the ring.

COLE
Who else is in the match?

CARDINAL
All three Cadetos, Arma Mortal, Los Maniacos

COLE
Hold on, this sounds like an all MILLF tournament? You said open to all masked wrestlers right?

CARDINAL
Of course, I was getting to it. See we sent out invitations to all masked wrestlers in OAOAST, the first 24 to reply were entered. That means that we will be seeing the Masked Mutants, the All-American Boys, Los Conquistadors, "It" the Alien as well as both Mariachi and J-MAX

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

COLE
That is quite a list of names you've got and after seeing how well J-MAX worked with the Luchador style last week I am looking forward to that match.

CARDINAL
And we can't forget that both Los Conquistadors and Mariachi come from a Lucha background

COLE
And "It"?

CARDINAL
I don't know where he comes from, but hey we don't discriminate.

COLE
Well there you have it folks, a huge match set for AngleMania X!!

CARDINAL
VIVA LA LUCHA LIBRE!!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

The scene is the backstage area where Jade Rodez-Duncan strolls down an empty hallway. The hallway suddenly becomes slightly fuller when Jason Silver cuts in front of her.

SILVER
Hello, Jade.

JADE
Uh, hi.

SILVER
Let me ask you a question that’s been on my mind for sometime.

JADE
Go ahead.

SILVER
Do you think I’m a bad person?

JADE
Well, I know mom has shoot on sight orders for all the maids should you ever come on the premises. Why she armed the maids I’m not really sure. It will just make their inevitable insurrection all the harder to suppress. But, are you a bad person?

SILVER
You’re too polite to answer that question. So let me, someone who isn’t polite in the slightest, answer it for you. I am a bad person. A very bad person. I am the devil himself! Evil incarnante! Do you want to know what makes me so bad? Its because I’m a violent, awful, person. I just want to slap the 16th minute on you right now, right here, in front of that camera. And I want to do it because you’re your mother’s daughter, and I hate your mother. Any pain I can cause her will bring a smile to my face.

JADE
(defiantly)
So do it then.

SILVER
I’m not going to. I’m not that stupid. I’d have not only your mother after me, but I’d have Tyler Bryant, Shayne Brave, Alix Maria Spezia, and Spencer Reiger on my ass. No thanks, those are problems I don’t need. So you get a pass. But because I’m forced to give you a pass that’s only chilled my heart even colder when it comes to your mother. The pain that I could be inflicting on you, I’m going to transfer to her. I’m going to make her bleed in front of all our fancy celebrity friends that show up for Anglemania. I’m going to make her scream in front of all of your family members. Then I’m going to make her tap out to the 16th minute, and I’m going to retain my world championship.

Silver walks off, smiling to himself as Jade drills a hole through him with a harsh stare.

Backstage in the hallways, Nathaniel Black's relaxed conversation with an OAOAST staff member is quickly cut short by JAMES BLONDE, panting and out of breath, rushing up and abruptly cutting in. The unnamed stagehand quickly scuttles off and Black, annoyed at the rude interruption, glares at his former team-mate.

BLACK
What the 'ell do you want?

BLONDE
Look, I know you and me, we're not exactly buddy buddy anymore but... listen, I need your help.

The pleading tone in Blonde's voice doesn't do much to win over Black and he narrows his eyes.

BLACK
Come again?

BLONDE
I need your help. Look, King... Landon kicked me out. He's kicked me to the side and he's thrown me out and I've had some time to think about it. And now I know how you feel.

BLACK
You do, eh?

BLONDE
Yeah. He doesn't appreciate me, he never did and I want to show him that he's wrong. That's why I went and I spoke to Alfdogg, he's given me a tag team match next week, against Landon and Daisuke... the problem is, I don't have a partner and I know we've not been on the same page lately. But... we go way back! Right? The tours of Japan, the six man titles, all that good stuff. Look, please, I need you to team with me next week. You get your hands on Landon. That's what you want, right? Just say yes and you get him. We both do.

With a smirk, Nathaniel starts to nod his head.

BLACK
You know what... that sounds like a bloody good idea.

BLONDE
Really?

BLACK
Yeh. You got yourself a deal.

BLONDE
(laughing with relief)
Oh, thank you, you don't know how much this means.

Black shakes hands with Blonde, still smirking. Excited, Blonde goes to turn away... but doesn't get far, due to Black still gripping onto his hand.

BLACK
Ay, listen mate, don't you worry about a thing. Next week, you an' me... we're gonna take care of Landon.

BLONDE
Ki... King Landon...

BLACK
Yeah yeah, whatever. Tell you what we're gonna do, right. First off, we get Daisuke out the way. Then, he's on his own. And I've been waitin' a looong time to get old Landon on his own. I've got plenty of ideas of just what to do with him once I do. For starters, I'm gonna look him right in the eyes, see the fear in 'em... and then, I'm gonna 'eadbutt him right in his scrawny face!

Suddenly looking a little nervous, Blonde flinches a little.

BLONDE
Really? Okay then...

BLACK
Then what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna watch him crawl on his 'ands and knees, blood pourin' out of his nose. And when he gets close enough to kiss my feet, I'm gonna pull out that wagging little tongue of his and I'm gonna stamp on it. You like the sounds of that?

BLONDE
(unconvincing)
Oh... oh, y-yeah. That sounds... good...

BLACK
Yeah it does, don't it. Even better, I'm gonna knock his stinkin' head off with a lariat. And then, when he's knocked out and I've had my fun, you can 'ave whatever's left.

BLONDE
(quietly)
Yay...

BLACK
Haha. That's right. Eleven months of waiting and I'm gonna make sure I get the most out of it. You and me, once we're done with Landon, we're gonna make sure he can't even walk for eleven months. Next week. I'll see ya there mate.

With a (very) firm pat on the back, Black leaves Blonde looking a little flustered as he marches off, giving Blonde plenty to think about.

[Chanel #99]

e find Alix and Krista situated at Sofa Central.

COLE
We are joined at this time by six time tag team champions, Chicks Over Dicks. Are you out here to scout Jason Silver, Krista?

KRISTA
Asking us if we want to watch Jason Silver is like asking the cow from the Gateway Computer commercials if they want to watch the goings ons of a slaughterhouse. We have other reasons for coming out here that you’re about to see.

plays to a solid reaction from the capacity crowd. The entrance doors that boast the HD logo spread apart, allowing the popular skater MARV to head onto the stage. He makes the smoke weed sign, improving the already strong reception he’s gotten from the fans.

COLE
MARV?

ALIX
Noooooooooooooooo.

Rushing out to his side with her big beautiful bouncing breasts is geek chic chick Melody Nerdly!

ALIX
There’s our reason for being out here. Well, there’s our two reasons. Our two big beautiful bouncing reasons.

KRISTA
Those breasts are calling us, Alix. The left one says pleasure me, the right one says no pleasure me. The left one says I’m bigger, the right one says we’re the same size! The left one says I’m juicier, the right one says I’m more tender.

ALIX
And I say we’ve got plenty of hands for each of those girls.

COACH
Don’t forget me!

KRISTA
I guess someone has to hold the camera.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televisied time limit of twenty minutes! Now making his way to the ring, being accompanied by Melody Nerdly, he hails from Edmonton, Alberta, weighing one hundred eighty five pounds, he is MAAAAARRRRRVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!

Inside the ring, MARV smokes an imaginary bong to the immense delight of the many stoners in the audience.

brings with it a heaping of outraged and disgusted jeers. Clad in a sleeveless cape style long coat and black shorts with red , white, and blues stripes, Jason Silver drops down to his knees and foists his world title into the air.

BUFFER
And his opponent from New York City, he is the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, ROCKSAULT JASON SILLLVEEERRRRRRR!

COLE
We heard Jason Silver make some threatening remarks to your daughter Jade just moments ago, Krista.

KRISTA
If he threatens Jade again, I will shoot him on his way to bible study, carve 666 into his forehead, chop off his head and feed the resulting entrails to my Yorkshire Terrier. She hasn’t had human in a few weeks. Not after I my attempt to do the world a favor and ensnare Charlie Sheen in a massive bear trap failed so miserably.

Silver heads into the ring, and talks a bit of trash to MARV. Ever the laidback one, MARV merely takes the shit talking in cool stride.

DING DING DING

Silver attempts to begin the contest with a lockup. However, MARV will have none of that as she stabs the world champion in the stomach with his orange boot. He slides between Silver’s legs, and that same boot connects with the inside of that very same boot.

COACH
That was close to being a low blow!

KRISTA
Much the same way Jason Silver is close to not being a waste of a broken condom.

Silver turns around to try and strike at MARV with an elbow. But the skater goes low with a dropkick to his knees. As Silver is hobbled, MARV runs the ropes. When he returns, the world champion attempts to catch him with an inverted atomic drop. Yet, before he can bring him down, the Canadian counters with a crowd popping DDT!

COLE
This is such a big match for MARV, a win against the world champion would create many opportunities for him.

MARV hooks onto Silver’s left leg for a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Silver kicksout the pinfall! He rolls to his feet and meets MARV with an elbow to the chest. An irish whip then sends MARV across the ring. But Silver lowers his head, and MARV clubs him in the back.

COLE
The world champion making the mistake of lowering his head.

KRISTA
Just like his mother made the mistake in not aborting him, so he’s simply carrying on the family tradition.

Outraged at being one upped by MARV, Silver charges across the ring to attack him. But MARV takes a step back, and lowers the ropes, causing Silver to go tumbling over the cables. The New York native crashes onto the blue ringside mats and rolls up against the announcing table. He kicks back at that booth, frustrated over his early failures.

COLE
Folks, we’ll be back with more HeldDOWN in just a moment!

COMMERCIAL

Returning from break, we find Silver back inside the ring directing a nasty stare at MARV. After a moment’s hesitation, he agrees to a lockup with the former tag team champion. The hold doesn’t last but for a few moments before Silver uses his power advantage to shove MARV all the way into the corner. The referee calls for a clean break, as MARV has a hold of the ropes. Silver refuses to give that and takes aim at MARV with his left fist. But MARV ducks the attack, and the world champion falls into the corner. MARV then begins firing punch after punch against Silver’s skull. When that grows tiresome he attempts to shoot Silver across the ring. But Silver counters, and throws MARV towards the opposite corner. MARV elevates himself onto the top rope in hopes of flipping back at the charging Silver. But Silver is too fast for MARV and clubs him in the back, ending any offensive hopes. He then wraps his arms around MARV’s waist and prepares to swing him around for a takedown. But as he twists to his side, MARV counters with a beautiful bulldog!

ALIX
I heard Jason Silver once went for Halloween as Wonder Woman.

KRISTA
He didn’t go as Wonder Woman he went as Linda Carter.

ALIX
As Wonder Woman?

KRISTA
As Linda Carter from the Maybelline commercial. He cried and cried, when the kids made fun of him, but you know what? His mascara never ran. Maybe he’s born with it.

ALIX
Maybe its Maybelline.

MARV hooks the legs for a crucial pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


KICKOUT!

Silver gets to his feet and lofts a lariat at MARV. The Edmonton native ducks the attack, and springboards off the ropes to connect with a lariat of his own! Melody celebrates on the outside, jumping up and down.

KRISTA
Each bounce of those big beautiful breasts is such a lonely bounce, a bounce of emptiness and of longing, calling out for askmen.com’s number one and number two sexiest female athletes to catch them in their hands, stop the bouncing, and start the loving.

ALIX
And hey, guess what, we’re askmen.com’s sexiest female athletes! And it just so happens we have two pairs of free hands, capable of holding and caressing two basketball sized objects.

COACH
I’m about to have a hand holding a footlong subway sized object if you keep talking like that!

While Coach prods Krista and Alix for more masturbatory fantasies, MARV drags Silver off the canvas. He staggers him with a boot to the stomach, and nails him with a Jawjacker (inverted stunner)!


“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

This is simply too much pain for Silver to take, and the world champion rolls out the ring to regroup and strategize. However, MARV slides his legs between the second and first ropes and kicks Rocksault in the face! Silver falls backwards, clutching his now sore face. Several feet away, Melody compares how his selling of the move compares to that of the selling in No Homo.

KRISTA
I could use a martini.

COLE
You want a drink?!

KRISTA
I certainly didn’t come out here for the conversation.

ALIX
I did!

MARV leaps over the ropes, putting himself onto the ring apron. He springs up onto the second rope, preparing to moonsault back at Silver. But Rocksault swipes out his legs, and MARV crashes onto the ring apron! The crowd and Melody react with horrified gasps at MARV’s misfortune.

COLE
What about food are you hungry, Krista?

KRISTA
Oh, honey, no thank you. I got a little Mexican to eat later on.

ALIX
That’s me!

Rocksault pulls MARV off the canvas, and brings him down to the blue mats bellow. Silver drags him into a front facelock, and hooks onto his tights. He then bridges backwards and suplexes his foe onto the paper thin mats. MARV wails in anguish, as Silver talks trash above him.

COLE
Melody looks distressed.

ALIX
She should really try taking off her bra, I hear it…uh…well…um…she should just really take off her god damn bra.

COACH
You’ll get no arguments from me!

Silver grabs MARV by his thick black hair and pulls him off the canvas. He traps him inside an underhook and then throws him backwards with a suplex that leaves MARV in serious pain. The world champion then stares hard at Krista as he chokes the former tag team champion with his silver boot.

COLE
The referee needs to better enforce his count.

COACH
Rocksault is the champ! You get a little leeway here and there when you wear the title belt.

Perhaps having overhead Cole, the official reminds Silver that he needs to bring the contest back into the ring. Silver does just that, dumping MARV into the squared circle. Rocksault follows him inside, and grabs onto his leg. He then repeatedly slams MARV’s knee into the canvas as the skater howls in agony. Once that series of moves is completed, Silver picks up MARV and slams his knee into his own with a knee breaker. He then shoves MARV to the canvas, and makes a rather casual pin…

ONE!


TWO!


Kickout!

COLE
Rocksault would’ve been better served hooking the leg.

ALIX
Good god, man, there are two sets of big beautiful breasts out here being covered by those awful things called shirts and you’re complaining about hooked legs.

KRISTA
Melody’s and my breasts deserve your undivided attention. You’re an awful human being, Micha Cole.

COLE
Its Michael.

KRISTA
Not so sure I care at this moment.

Silver hauls MARV off the canvas, in order to attach him into the set up for a shin breaker. He then runs across the ring, and slams MARV’s leg into the corner posts. From there he tosses MARV overhead, slamming him against the canvas with a vicious suplex. While MARV groans his misery, Silver dusts off his hands and backs up to the opposite corner. Suddenly, he makes a brilliant charge towards MARV. He skips over the Canadian, jumps onto the second rope, and flies back onto MARV with a body splash!

COLE
VINTAGE Jason Silver.

ALIX
Uh, I don’t think he’s ever done that before. Not that I’d be caught dead watching him or anything.

The official drops into position to count the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


Kickout!

“SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE!” the fans chant, led on by Melody.

MARV uses the support of the sold out crowd to help himself get to his feet. But when he’s fully upright, Silver drops him to the canvas with a side belly to belly suplex. Rocksault quickly drops an elbow onto MARV’s face, and hooks the outside leg for the pin…

ONE!


TWO!

MARV lifts the shoulder off the canvas, giving the fans a reason to celebrate. Their joy is short lived, however, due to Rocksault scraping MARV off the mat and nailing him with a half nelson suplex!

COACH
Rocksault is throwing out every suplex known to man.

ALIX
Except the super secret suplexes buried with the 5th pharaoh of the Urkitan dynasty along with the secret number after 100.

COACH
Number after 100? Secret? Its 101!

ALIX
So you’ve unearthed the tomb of the 5th pharaoh! Well done, Coach!

SILVER
Moonsault!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

As the audience derides Silver and prays for his demise, the world champion begins climbing onto the top rope. He strikes a small pose before flipping backwards with his high risk move. MARV slides out the way, and Silver smashes against the HD logo on the ring mat!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
That was a high-risk low reward play for Jason Silver, who was in total control of this contest.

MARV limps over to the corner, and slowly heads to the ropes. Though his pace is laborious he’s still able to nail Silver with a running DDT!

COLE
Running DDT!

COACH
That was more like a limping DDT.

MARV rolls over onto Silver for the cover…

CROWD
ONE!


CROWD
TWO!


NO!

“THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE!”

COLE
We are just a second away from our biggest upset of the year!

MARV points to the corner, getting both his audience and his sister excited. Despite the pain in his leg, he manages to make it to the top rope in a timely fashion. The crowd comes to their feet in preparation of a big time offensive attack. MARV doesn’t disappoint the OAOAST Galaxy, coming off the top with a Phoenix Splash!

COLE
Marvellousity!

MARV grabs onto both of Silver’s legs for a pinfall….

CROWD
ONE!

COACH
This can’t be happening!

CROWD
TWO!

James Riggs is on the ring apron, distracting the offical!

ALIX
Not to worry, I’ll handle that!

Handle it Alix does, rushing over from Sofa Central to assault Riggs. The two trade blows as MARV and the audience stare with support for Alix.

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

The brawling rivals quickly carry themselves up the entrance ramp and through parted entrance doors.

COLE
She’s a feisty one!

Meanwhile in the ring, a slightly recovered Silver grabs MARV and spins him around. He strikes him in the jaw with a vile headbutt. Stunned and bleeding from the mouth, MARV is lifted into a torture rack position. Silver then throws him down with an inverted FU!

COLE
Silver Bullet!

As the audience resigns themselves to dread, Silver wrenches on MARV’s head with an inverted sleeper.

COLE
Will MARV tap to the 16th minute?

Unable to stomach even ten seconds worth of the excruciating pain, MARV submits to the hold.

DING DING DING

The fans groan in disgust as Don’t Stop blasts out the speakers.

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a submission…..JASON SILVER!

COLE
A big win for Jason Silver heading into Anglema…and what is this?

Jason Silver has approached Sofa Central and is harassing the number one contender to his world title. Before Krista has a chance to respond to his unkind words, he slaps the headset right off her face!

COACH
I don’t know if that was a good idea, Rocksault.

Krista leaps over Sofa Central and tackles Silver to the ground!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The two competitors roll about the blue mats and slug at one another, as the crowd enthusiastically roots Krista on. Eventually, Silver is able to slide away from his enraged challenger. Tired and regretting his course of action, he begins making a hasty escape.

COLE
The champ is looking for a way out!

But, Krista comes from behind and decks him with a running knee!

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

Krista grabs a cup of TOBACCO SPIT and hurls it into Rocksault’s face!

COACH
That wasn’t beer, or soda! That was tobacco spit!

COLE
Producer Tony149 reliably tells me Chris Jericho did the same thing to The Rock once.

Krista grabs Silver by his stringy black hair and tosses him over the guardrail. Immediately upon hitting the concrete, Silver begins looking for an escape. He starts to crawl towards the side of the entrance stage, his vision blurred by the gross substance. Krista stalks his retreat, measuring him and readying herself to punt him in the head.

COLE
Krista was an All American soccer player at UCLA and she’s getting ready to flashback to those days with Jason Silver’s head!

But as Krista strides forward, she’s taken out with a brutal lariat from Christopher Patrick Allen!

COLE
Oh my!

Through distorted and foggy vision, Silver sees this. And past the tobacco, a smile forms on his bearded face.

COACH
Rocksault’s got that look on his face, Mikey.

Silver crawls over to Krista’s prone body. He then wraps his arms around her neck and tightens her into the 16th minute!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COLE
He’s got the 16th minute!

SILVER
Tap! Tap! Tap!

Krista screams in agony but refuses to submit once again to the deadly hold.

COACH
She’s tapping!

COLE
She is not!

Krista won’t submit no matter how hard Silver torques on her neck. As such we fade out with Miss California trapped inside the world champion’s lethal submission.

FADE OUT