OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 3/4/2011

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pMraWWYO4A
COLE
Welcome, fans to another edition of HeldDOWN~!  We are fresh off the Heartland Spectacular, and en route to Anglemania Ten~!  I'm Michael Cole, alongside Da Coach, and Coach, it's been quite the week for the OAOAST.
 
COACH
Keep smilin', Mikey Cole.  Keep smilin'.
 
COLE
You're not the only one who's unhappy, because I'm sure the company founder Anglesault is right there with you.  For those who haven't heard, Team Anglesault was defeated by Team Malibu in the War Games, and now Zack Malibu and his allies have complete control over Anglemania!
 
COACH
Just what we need...the biggest event in company history, and it's going to be entirely too predictable.  Zack will reinstate his title shot that he won in the Lethal Rumble, Krista will probably book herself in an makeout session with whatever female non-relatives she has on the roster, Ned will book himself to have another bastard hellspawn, Bruce'll put himself at the head of the buffet line back in catering, and Leon will be too mopey to even attend.
 
COLE
You want to wager money on that card?
 
COACH
What kind of odds you giving me?
 
Before Michael Cole can answer that, "Getting Away With Murder" hits, drawing the fans to their feet!  Bruised and battered, ZACK MALIBU makes his entrance, alongside Krista Isadora Duncan, Ned Blanchard, Simon Singleton, Bruce Blank, and...Leon Rodez, who walks slowly behind and keeps his distance from the rest of the group.  The fans roar as the six superstars hit the ring, kicking off tonight's show in a big way.
 
MALIBU
As you can see from the smiles on...most of our faces, and the bruises on our bodies, Team Malibu won the War Games!
 
Leon just sits slouched in a corner, scowling, as the rest of the group welcome's the adoration.
 
MALIBU
Now that we've made it past War Games, it's on to Anglemania Ten!  The biggest event in OAOAST history is just a month away, and tonight...tonight, we're going to let you people be the first to find out...along with those watching at home...just what you can expect at Anglemania!

It's cheap heat, but it works, as the crowd rants and raves wildly thanks to Malibu's announcement.

MALIBU
Now, since we're due for an interruption (checks watch) any minute now, let me invite the members of Team Anglesault out here, so that they can be told, face to face, what THEY can expect at Anglemania!

After a few moments of silence, "Medal" kicks on, and an equally bruised and battered contingent of James Riggs, Pierce Duncan, Bohemoth, Heartland Champion Todd Cortez, and World Champion Jason Silver come out to the stage, led by none other than ANGLESAULT, who wields a mic of his own.

ANGLESAULT
Look at you.  Look at all of you.  Grinning, smiling, all buddy buddy in that ring.  It's making me physically ill to see you, Zack, once again playing glory boy and catering to the uneducated.  Oh, and just in case there's any confusion with that statement, I'm talking about those of you who lined my pockets tonight by buying tickets!

*Crowd boos*

ANGLESAULT
Look, Zack, let's just get this over with, so we can all get on with our lives, and get on with Anglemania.  We know how you risked it all for War Games and how it paid off, so at Anglemania you want your title shot back, while the rest of your cronies get some handout title shots so you can all attempt to be one giant happy championship holding family.  You're PATHETIC, Zack.  You took this company...no, you took MY COMPANY, and turned it into the god damn Island of Misfit Toys!  The locker room looks like a daycare with all the illegitimate kids running around, I've got wannabe pop stars, tag teams who change their names more than I change suits, an inbred whose only joy is watching himself bleed, and that's just the Duncan family!

Krista rolls her eyes, and Pierce looks at Anglesault for a moment before shrugging it off and mumbling "he's right".

ANGLESAULT
So, all comedy aside, Zack, we're out here for business and business only.  Let's hear your grand plan for the event I made famous.  I mean, other than the World Title match, since we know that the OAOAST World Champion, my nephew here, will be defending the belt against...

MALIBU
Krista.

Anglesault stops, and freezes.  He looks at Jason Silver, and then back to the ring.

ANGLESAULT
...what?

MALIBU
You heard me.  At Anglemania Ten, "Rocksault" Jason Silver, you're flesh and blood, the second coming, the heir to your throne, the reinging World Heavyweight Champion, will defend that belt against this woman, the former World Heavyweight Champion!

ANGLESAULT
You mean...wait, I...

Just then, Silver grabs the mic from his uncle.

SILVER
Uncle 'Sault, don't even sweat it, because I'm not.  If the little lady wants to get snapped in half again, then I'm all for it.

KRISTA
The only thing I heard snapping this week were the bones in your neck, after you tapped out to your own hold!

After that burn, the crowd gets on Silver, chanting "YOU TAPPED OUT" at an alarmingly loud decible!

SILVER
Stop it!  SHUT UP!  You want to talk about tapouts, then let's not forget that your female role model there couldn't take it last month at Anglepalooza.  I broke her spirit, I damn near broke her neck, and I made YOU tap!

KRISTA
Well, then I guess Anglemania Ten will be where we settle this little war once and for all, won't it?  So it's only appropriate that I've decide we won't be having just any old match.  We need pizazz, we need style, we need...we need a SUBMISSIONS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH!

The crowd roars, and Silver throws the belt down, running his hands through his hair and pitching a fit, as Krista backs off, smirking, and hands the mic back to Zack, who passes it onto Bruce Blank.

BLANK
Speakin' o' style and pizazz...hey, pretty boy, Bo!

The Metrosexual Monster lowers his shades and points to himself, just to be clear that's who Bruce is pointing out (despite the fact that Bruce called him by name).

BLANK
Seems to me you and I ain't been on the same page since I came back here to the OAOAST, and it's only right that we step into this here ring, one on one, to settle it.  So I thought long and hard, and me, I've been through hell and back.  I've been bloodied, beaten, cut, bruised, stabbed, and spit on, and sure as I'm standin' here I keep goin' back for more.  But you, you walk around with yer puffy chest, broad shoulders, pink shirts, lookin' all big and bad, but you really don't know what bad is.  You got power, but I don't think you got a killer instinct, so that's why you an me are gonna tangle.  We might get real tangled, actually, because I wanna test you.  I wanna see how hardcore you think you can get.  Me and you, Bo, we're gonna have ourselves a BARBED WIRE MATCH!

Bo is FURIOUS, taking off his shades and threatening to rush the ring, having to be held back by his cohorts.  Bo can be heard shouting "are you kidding me!?" at Anglesault, and pushing Pierce Duncan away before pacing the stage, nearly losing his cool.

NED
Anglesault, son, you need to settle down right now, because Ol Ned Blanchard's got something to say. You got two people you call future world champions on that stage with ya, in James Riggs and Pierce Duncan. I call them two pieces of trash, who ain't worth the stink off a pile of a dog shit.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

NED
But then you also got two more cronies backing you up, doing your dirty work, named VICE. All, I gotta say is that VICE is nothing more than two overgrown pieces of garbage who The Orange County Cobras are looking to lash out and strike.

SIMON
The hostility between us and VICE is so thick you could slash it to bits and pieces with a steak knife.

COACH
I could go for some steak.

SIMON
But like Ned said we, like the rest of the OAOAST Galaxy, have major problems with those two chumpstains Piercey D and J.Riggs. So, we're gonna bring those two together inside the ring at Anglemania to take on the Orange County Cobras!

Pierce frets over actually having to wrestle the Cobras, until Riggs reminds him the odds are not in the Cobras' favor.

SIMON
Don't go getting too cocky now, because I wasn't finished. Its impolite to interrupt. As good as we are, four on two odds are overly exciting to us. Therefore we need to partners. We could pick The Christ Air Express, or J-MAX and Mariachi, or Biffman and Tim Cash. But, if we've got booking powers we're going to go big! Bigger than any of you can ever imagine. We're going with two former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champions...ALIX MARIA SPEZIA and LEON RODEZ!

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

ANGLESAULT
OK, OK, everyone shut up!  We still have to get to the heart of the matter here, Zack.  You're friends got what they wanted, and they're treating this like it's their damn Christmas list.  So what is it that YOU want.

MALIBU
What I want?  It's not obvious?

ANGLESAULT
Enlighten me, preppy.

MALIBU
I want the same thing you want, Anglesault.  I want an end to this madness, this war.  I don't want to have to deal with you, just like you don't want to deal with me.  I want you out of my life, I want you...I want you out of this company.

ANGLESAULT (laughing)
That's great, Zack, but you won War Games, you didn't rub a magic lamp.  The only reason  you're standing in that ring right now is to make an Anglemania match, not talk about dreams and fantasies.

MALIBU
You don't get it.  You think after all this time, after everything I've gone through.  The sacrifices.  Giving up my title shot.  Trusting Bruce Blank.  Bringing Leon into the fold.  You put me at an all time low, Anglesault.  You took a year and a half off my career.  You created tension in my family, and you've tried to erase EVERYTHING I've done for this company!  The fact of the matter is, this might be the OAOAST, but I am the Franchise.  I'm the guy who sacrifices, while you sit on your throne as the puppet master.  So, at Anglemania Ten, we're going to bring back the most storied rivalry in OAOAST history just one more time.  Just one LAST time.  And it will be the last time, because it's all or nothing this time around.  Anglemania Ten, it's me...VERSUS YOU.

The crowd EXPLODES, and Anglesault and his crew appear shocked.

MALIBU
No title is going to keep me from what I've wanted to do for the past two years.  You and I are going to settle this, like men, one on one...in a SURVIVE OR SURRENDER MATCH!  Winner takes all, loser walks.  If you win, then I'm done.  I stand here right now and I swear it in front of my peers, the fans, and everyone watching at home.  You get in the ring with me at Anglemania, and you beat me, then Zack Malibu leaves the OAOAST FOREVER.

Anglesault stands wide-eyed, like he can't believe what Zack's saying, while Silver trash talks off-mic, standing up for his uncle.

MALIBU
You heard me.  I'll walk.  No goodbye speech, no coming back as a manager, no working in the corporate office.  If you can beat me at Anglemania, then I will forfeit everything I've invested into this company...my time, my money, my blood, and you can have it back.  I won't stand in your way anymore.  But if I win...if I win, then YOU will drag yourself out of that ring, up that aisle, and don't even bother going into the locker room to change, you can just jump in your limo and GET THE HELL OUT!  BECAUSE...because at Anglemania Ten, we WILL write our final chapter.  Zack Malibu versus Anglesault.  What do you think about that!?

Anglesault thinks for a moment, and then just throws his mic down and walks away!  Anglesault brushes past his faction, and they're reactions are more subdued than normal, as they try to get him to respond.  Instead, Anglesault disappears behind the curtain, and his charges are left trying to catch up with him, giving an abrupt end to this segment.

COLE
What an announcement not just by Team Malibu, but by Zack Malibu!  Team Malibu has selected their matches for Anglemania, and perhaps most importantly of all, Zack has thrown down the gauntlet to the CFO of the OAOAST.  A winner take all Survive or Surrender match, for complete control of the OAOAST...and Anglesault, he was left speechless!

COACH
Don't you worry about Da Boss, Mikey Cole.  There ain't no way he's gonna let Preppy up there run the show.  Zack just signed his death warrant.

COLE
It will be interesting to see how Anglesault responds to the challenge in the coming weeks.  Not only that, but his nephew is going to have his hands full, as Jason Silver makes his first Anglemania appearance, where he will defend his World Title against former champion Krista Isadora Duncan in a Submissions Count Anywhere match!

COACH
Good, he made her tap in the ring once, now it's gonna be the same result, just with a change of scenery.  Maybe he'll make her tap out right here at Sofa Central!

COLE
I'll tell you two people who aren't likely to be brawling at Sofa Central that night, and that will be Bruce Blank and Bohemoth, as those two meet in a Barbed Wire Match, which will be Bo's toughest test to date!

COACH
Bruce is just tryin' to mess up my man Bo's looks because he knows he can't compete on that level!  That guy is sick, and he better not thinking of puttin' that wire anywhere near big Bo!

COLE
I have a feeling you're going to be very disappointed there, Coach. And our final match that was made tonight pits Pierce Duncan, James Riggs, and VICE against The Orange County Cobras and two former world champions in Alix Maria Spezia and Leon Rodez!

[Chanel #99]

In the corridors, sat outside one of the locker rooms on a production trunk, new Tag Team Champion Spencer Reiger is currently enamoured with his title belt. Some shining and some reflection checking helps pass the time, apparantly waiting on somebody. In the meantime, up walks someone who presumably doesn't need waiting on. Spencer notices Amberlyn Duncan in the reflection of his belt. And also notices her approaching him, which gets his attention, a curious glance over the shoulder. Clearly impressed with what she sees, Amberlyn walks around Spencer, looking him over like a shop exhibit.

AMBERLYN
So... this is my niece's new plaything? Not bad. Not bad at all.

SPENCER
Hey, I try. You must be Amberlyn.

AMBERLYN
Oh, babe, don't play coy with me. Like you don't already know me.

SPENCER
Well, I think Jade might have mentioned you once... maybe twice.

Amberlyn gives Spencer a long look... then assumes he's joking, for the sake of her own sense of self-importance and laughs it off.

AMBERLYN
Oh, I can tell you're just a whole heap of trouble. Cute face, ripped abs, messy hair. I bet you reckon you can get away with anything, don't you hot stuff?

SPENCER
Does your niece know you're here, objectifying men?

AMBERLYN
What Jade doesn't know won't hurt her. Anyway, relax. I just wanted to check out this hot stud she keeps Tweeting me about like a lovesick puppy, see if he meets up to my standards. And I think you pass the test. Congratulations.

Leaning in, Amberlyn grabs Spencer by the hood of his Ed Hardy jacket and puts him in a LIPLOCK!

SPENCER
(eventually breaking free)
Whoa, what the hell?

AMBERLYN
Welcome to the family.

Amberlyn winks and waves a shocked Spencer goodbye, leaving him wondering what the hell just happened. He's broken out of his wonder by the door behind him opening and Jade Rodez-Duncan stepping out. Spencer quickly wipes away at his mouth as Jade looks off in the distance and sees Amberlyn waving, so waves back, confused.

SPENCER
(nervous)
Wow, your Aunt is very friendly.

JADE
Oh God, where did she touch you?

SPENCER
Nowhere! I mean... not technically. She kinda just kissed me. You're not mad?

JADE
If I got mad every time my Aunt kissed a guy, I'd be... very mad, I guess. I'm not good at metaphors.

Suddenly, the door behind Spencer opens again. He quickly straightens up and stands back, as a thoughtful trio of Maya Duncan-Blanchard and D*LUX, Shayne Brave and Tyler Bryant, all leave the room. There's a clear tension between them, which Jade tries to cut through.

JADE
Guys?

Tyler stands with arms folded, Shayne with his on his hips. After some internal conflict, Shayne finally reaches out... and offers his hand, which seems to surprise Spencer.

SPENCER
(to Jade)
Boy, you really are persuasive.

SHAYNE
She's right, man. I know how much this means to her, us calling a truce before AngleMania. So, we accept. If Jade says you're cool... that makes you good people in my book.

JADE
Spence?

SPENCER
Absolutely. Just like I told you, it's just business, I don't want to let personal stuff get in the way.

Spencer nods at Shayne and they shake hands to sign off on the truce. Spencer's arm hovers over to Tyler, who still has his arms folded... and it takes a few more seconds of struggle, but Tyler eventually shakes Spencer's hand too. To the great relief and happiness of Jade.

JADE
Thank you. Thank all of you. I know this whole thing is a bit awkward, but hopefully we can get AngleMania out of the way... and who knows, maybe we can all be friends someday.

SHAYNE
I'd like that.

SPENCER
Yeah... yeah, me too.

After an awkward pause, everybody becomes very self-aware of the awkwardness and laugh it off.

JADE
Well, that wasn't too hard, was it? We'll give you guys some space.

Jade and Spencer leave, but Jade hangs back for a second.

JADE
Thanks again, this really means a lot.

Happy with how things turned out, Jade links arms with Spencer and they disappear off, leaving D*LUX and Maya behind. No longer having to keep up any kind of happy facade. And it's clear not everyone is as keen on the truce as they seemed, as Tyler is rounded on by a clearly suspicious Maya.

MAYA
Okay. Fess up. You're not buying it, are you?

TYLER
I shook his hand, didn't I?

MAYA
Yeah and the temperature dropped about 20 degrees when it happened too, that's how cold that handshake was. No use being evasive, I can see it all over your face. You don't trust him.

TYLER
...I just don't want to see her get hurt, that's all.

SHAYNE
Dude, none of us do. But she seems really happy. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt if she is. Look man. You had your chance and you didn't do anything. I hate to say it, but... you've gotta let it go.

Shayne heads back into the room, as Tyler hangs his head.

MAYA
Awkwaaard...

TYLER
Look, I keep trying to tell him, I just don't know if I trust Spencer. But he won't listen...

MAYA
Because he thinks you're just jealous or something. Yeah. I got that. Sheesh, this is just like being back at school.

TYLER
And you trust him too?

MAYA
Not as far as I could throw him. But, I judge people by appearances. Terrible, I know, but I'm superficial like that, so shoot me. Anyone who wears Ed Hardy, probably a douchebag. S'all I'm saying. But, I'm not getting involved. I'm not the one going after his tag titles, after all.

With that, Maya blows off the drama and disappears back inside the room as well.

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
SYNTH ABDUL JABBAR VS KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return from break to find the arena bathed in gold and red lights and our focus on sofa central.

COLE
Welcome back to an explosive night of HeldDOWN~! Folks, Anglemania is coming up in a few weeks and that means the excitement is at a fever pitch! You can count down the top ten greatest Anglemania moments on OAOAST.com, and even list your favorite match. Right now I am told that we have a highly anticipated rematch scheduled next.

COACH
Really?

COLE
Yep after the ending of the Barnyard Invitational last week we have the last two participants in a singles match

COACH
Are you kidding me?

COACH
No I am not, the Cow complained about the unorthodox ending of the match

COLE
THE COW COMPLAINED? Did he moo vigorously?

MICHAEL BUFFER
This match is a Barnyard International rematch.

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOH!!

The theme to Rawhide kicks in as the fans begins to cheer

MICHAEL BUFFER
Hailing from the Barn! Weighing in at 500 delicious, fat marbled, pounds, he is your Battling Bovine. Put your hooves together for.... THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE COW!!!

The curtains part as the Cow walks out to quite a pop from the crowd. The Cow briefly stops on the ramp, showing off his newly acquired ring gear, which includes green amateur wrestling headgear, a green wrestling singlet, green kneepads on all four knees and amateur wrestling boots on all four feet.

COLE
The Cow came to fight!

COACH
What? This is absurd, am I stuck in the twilight zone?

COLE
TEAM EDWARD ALL THE WAY!!

COACH
What??

COLE
What, what? I did not say anything.

The Cow makes his way down the aisle, Moo-ing smack to the camera as he passes it, giving the occasional fan a swat with his tail. Once inside the ring the Cow rears up on his hind legs, showing off his gear to everyone.

COACH
I... What the...

COLE
Ladies and Gentlemen the Coach is speechless, I thought I had seen it all.

MICHAEL BUFFER
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND his opponent

Dah-dah-dah-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! Da-da, da-da, da-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

A trumpet plays, leading into a typical Bullfighter tune.

MICHAEL BUFFER
Standing 4 foot, 5 inches tall and weighing in at 101 pounds of pure Latino beefcake, here is...

Buffer pauses for a higher dramatic effect, during the pause Bribón steps through the curtain dressed like a bullfighter, complete with a fuzzy hat, red cape and a long-stemmed rose in his mouth.

MICHAEL BUFFER
ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TOOOOOOOOOOOORITO!!

COACH
El Taquito?

COLE
Torrito, it means little Bullfighter and show some respect for the Barnyard Invitational winner please.

El Torrito strides down the aisle, displaying all the grace and poise of a great Matador bullfighter. Once at ringside he leaps up on the guardrails and throws the rose to a beautiful woman in the front row. After giving away the rose Brib.. excuse me El Torrito jumps up on the apron, the climbs the ropes and raises his furry hat in the air as he poses on the top rope.

COACH
I hope this guy realizes that it's a cow, not a bull.

COLE
I am pretty sure he knows that

COACH
Who's ever heard of a cow fighter? What an udder dumbass

After tossing his hat to a ringside attendant El Torrito jumps in the ring, standing face to snout with the Cow.

DING!! DING!! DING!!

The two combatants begin to circle the ring, both of them trying to find an opening, a weakness in their opponent. The Cow raises one of his front legs, twirling it in circles to try and distract the diminutive Matador. When El Torrito looks at the foot the Cow charges, only for El Torrito to sidestep while twirling his cape

OLE!!!

The Cow charges once more, but gets the same result, a face full of cape and nothing else

OLE!!!

After two escapes the Cow finally manages to trap El Torrito in the corner, showing just how handy it is to have a front end and a back end that is independent of each other.

COACH
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

When the Cow charges El Torrito proves Coach wrong and escapes the charging Cow by bouncing up the ropes, using the momentum to leap over the back of the Cow as the bovine crashes into the turnbuckle

OLE!!!

With the Cow at least partially stunned El Torrito quickly moves in and tries to trip the Cow up, grabbing onto one of the hind legs as he pulls on it. Frustrated El Torrito leaps up and wraps both his arms and legs around the Cow's hind leg, trying desperately to pull him down.

COLE
I am not sure that's such a good idea

COACH
Yeah he's right under the Cow's A-

COLE
COACH!!

COACH
...nal cavity

COLE
Wow, brilliant save.

The Cow begins to shake his back leg, trying to pry El Torrito off, after several unsuccessful attempts he turns around and slams both his leg and El Torrito into the turnbuckle. With Torrito down the Cow does a quick scrape on the group, as if kicking sand in the face of his opponent.

COLE
OOOH the Cow is in a fighting mood tonight.

COACH
I... I got nothing; this is beyond weird.

COLE
I think this match could be my favorite ever if it leaves Coach speechless much longer!!

El Torrito rolls out under the bottom rope, to the floor where he reaches in under the apron for something

COLE
What is he getting out??

COACH
...

El Torrito pulls out a large glass and a gallon jug of milk, the sight of which seems to upset the Cow. Then El Torrito pours himself a nice tall glass of ice-cold milk, followed by shooting the Cow the bird. El Torrito takes a quick drink from the glass, stopping half way through it as if it was foul tasting.

COLE
El Torrito isn't a fan of milk it would seem!

After El Torrito takes a couple of staggering steps, holding his mouth like he is going to throw off the Cow gets fed up with the mockery and steps through the ropes to the apron. The second the Cow’s head is through the ropes El Torrito leaps up on the apron and

FWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHH!!!

COLE
THE DAIRY MIST!! OH MY GOD THE DAIRY MIST!!

El Torrito's Great Muta imitation angers the Cow more than it blinds him, unfortunately his angry charge at El Torrito ends in disaster as the Cow gores the ring post instead.

KLONK!!

THUD!!

COLE
Can we get a vet out here? The Cow fell off the apron, I repeat can we get a vet out here?

With the Cow down and hurt on the floor El Torrito leaps into action, grabbing the hind legs, stepping through them and then tries to turn over the Cow for a..

COACH
A Sharpshooter? The guy is trying to put a Sharpshooter on a Cow?

COLE
HE CAN'T GET HIM OVER!! It's just too much mass for him

COACH
That's what happens when you weight 1/5th of what your opponent weighs.

A frustrated El Torrito has to give up on the Sharpshooter, the mass of the Cow is just too much to turn over. Instead he quickly slides under the bottom rope to break the count before sliding back to the floor again. When the front end of the Cow gets up El Torrito rushes in and tries to take him down with a Huracanrana

DENIED!!

Instead of taking the Cow down he ends up with his feet wrapped around the Cow's neck, a perfect position for…

THE COW-ER BOMB!!

SMACK!!

COACH
Hold on, hold the F on here; the Cow power bombed El Torrito on the ringside mat?

COLE
I think you'll find that he Cow-er Bombed him.

COACH
I am not paid enough for this job.

This time it's the Cow's turn to briefly get under the bottom rope and into the ring to break the count, although technically his behind was still on the floor. Back on the floor the Cow just stands there and stares at El Torrito, without arms he would be unable to pick him off the floor after all.

LIGHT BULB!!

The Cow obviously has an idea, as cows often do naturally. He charges in for his signature Cattle Stomp, but each time he tries to stomp El Torrito he misses as the Mini-Estrella moves out of the way.

COLE
Look The Cow is doing an impromptu Flamenco dance

COACH
...

COLE
If this keeps up I'm petitioning for Cow and Bribón to wrestle in a one hour Iron Man match, the silence is golden!!

After missing ten or so stomps El Torrito leaps to his feet and then takes off running around the ring, causing the Cow to follow him

COLE
Oh my god it's a stampede!!

COACH
...

El Torrito ducks down behind the ring steps and hides as the Cow races by him, then he rolls into the ring and just watches as the Cow keeps running circles around the ring, over and over without realizing he is no longer chasing anything.

COLE
Far be it from me to call the Cow stupid

COACH
Then I will, that Cow is a friggin' MORON!!

The Cow keeps chasing shadows as he runs around and around the ring, not stopping until he realizes that El Torrito is in the center of the ring, hysterically laughing. After what looks like a quick pep-talk to his ass the Cow stomps up the ring steps and then steps through the ropes.

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-THA *BEEP*!

El Torrito ducks under the charging Cow, then he leaps up on the back of the Cow to the delight of the crowd. He pretends to spur the Cow on as he holds an imaginary cowboy hat up in the air. Suddenly the Cow rears up with El Torrito desperately clinging to the back, a move that turns out to be a mistake as

CRASH!!

COLE
COW DROP!! COW DROP!!

The Cow splashes El Torrito to the ground with his version of the Samoan Drop. Instead of going for a cover the Cow gets back up again, wagging his tail as a signal for

COLE
THE STAMPEDE STOMP!!

The Cow runs from corner to corner, stomping on El Torrito as he passes, then he turns around and runs over El Torrito a second time, then a third time before stopping with a triumphant

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!

Feeling like getting revenge for El Torrito's mocking earlier in the match the Cow stands above him and then drops the utter in El Torrito's face with a loud slapping sound

COACH
Oh man that is NOT sanitary!

The move seems to invigorate El Torrito who leaps to his feet ready to defend himself. The two opponents have a standoff, during which El Torrito seems to actually approve of the Cow's tactics as he slowly nods and begins to applaud.

COACH
Okay what the frig is this friggin' frigger doing?

COLE
Frigging heck if I know.

The Cow nods in approval, then nudges El Torrito with his snout.

The two wrestlers appear to have a conversation, except El Torrito does not utter a word and the Cow just moos.

COACH
Oh come on, someone hit someone!

After a few more moments El Torrito reaches up and scratches the Cow behind the ear, causing the bovine's right rear leg to spasm involuntarily. The referee, the fans and the announcers all look on in confusion as both the Cow and El Torrito leaves the ring, once they are on the floor El Torrito jumps up on the Cow's back, riding him out of the arena.

COLE
I guess they decided it's better to be friends than fight

COACH
Oh what a bunch of bull!

COLE
No a bunch of Cow... and Bribón

DING!! DING!! DING!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
The referee has decided to call the match a no-contest since the competitors left together

COACH
I... I am at a loss for words

COLE
BEST MATCH EVER!! (Flashing two thumbs up)

And with that we go to commercial.

LATER TONIGHT
DEADLY ALLIANCE VS THE ENTERPRISE
THEODORE MONEYMAKER VS REJECT
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return to live action focused on the Anglemania themed Sofa Central.

COLE
Ladies and gentlemen, originally scheduled tonight was a match between Theodore Moneymaker and Reject. However, I understand there’s been a late breaking development. For more on that we send it over to our broadcast colleague Terry Taylor.

Backstage in the Enterprise dressing room we find THEODORE MONEYMAKER in a NECK BRACE next to our man Terry.

TERRY
Theodore Moneymaker, what in the world is going on? We expected to see you in action later tonight against Reject.

MONEYMAKER
So did I until I woke up this morning with a stiff neck.

TERRY
And that requires a neck brace?

MONEYMAKER
Your tone suggests you find that hard to believe.

TERRY
Well, the timing is suspect I must admit.

MONEYMAKER
If I could shake my head that’s exactly what I’d be doing right now, Terry Taylor. To think I thought you’d have a little compassion considering you almost got put in a neck brace last week. Nevertheless, ever since I was given a Eulogy my neck’s been acting up. Some days are better than others. Unfortunately today was not one of those days, luckily for Reject. Sort of.

TERRY
Sort of?

MONEYMAKER
See, Terry, although Reject’s been spared a beat down of epic proportions from me, he’ll still get his ass handed to him tonight by my worthy replacement. A man who would defend the Enterprise’s honor like his girlfriend’s. No, I’m not speaking of Biffman or even Tim Cash, neither of whom have girlfriends and live in their parents’ basement. The man I’ve choose to represent me is New York’s finest... SPENCER REIGER!

SPENCER (off-camera)
What?!

Spencer storms into view and right in Teddy’s face. Fellow tag champion CMJ and Lorelei DeCenzo forced to restrain him.

MONEYMAKER
Go get him champ! BWAHAHAHA!!

[Chanel #99]

ackstage in Anglesault’s HUGE office we find the OAOAST founder sitting behind his desk. Across from him is…


PIERCE DUNCAN

and


AMBERLYN DUNCAN

ANGLESAULT
War Games was a humiliation and an abomination. I can not for the life of me believe that we lost.

PIERCE
I can’t believe it either, big boss dog. Shit had me feelin’ ill for minutes. But after that minute was up I realized I’m The Result, I’m the ladies pick, and this here is Amberlyn, the chick that all the guys pull their puds over. You might think its weird to think about dudes masturbating about my sister, but you know what? I’d be pissed if they weren’t, because if I was a girl I’d look like her, and if dudes weren’t masturbating over me, I’d be maaaaaaaad, dawg.

Anglesault stares hard at Pierce, looking as though he were on the verge of slugging The Result in the jaw.

ANGLESAULT
(harshly)
Back to War Games.

PIERCE
Right! It made me not even want to go to club for a couple minutes. But I had this new Kenneth Cole shirt and my new Guess cologne.

AMBERLYN
And I had these awesome Diesel jeans. My ass looked great in them.

PIERCE
The club was calling us and we had to answer. But when we got there, it was horrific.

AMBERLYN
They didn’t even want to let us into the club! They said we were get this “not on the list” which is code for you messed up at War Games.

PIERCE
Then when I got in, I had repellent on. Repellent is something that scares away all the babes. You move near them, they move away, that’s what was going down for The Result. It was all due to War Games! Of course, I still went home with two fine broads-

ANGLESAULT
I don’t care about your stupid club hopping! I brought you two aboard because you’re Duncans, and Duncans never fail at anything! But, my problem is I’ve been made a fool of by your niece.

AMBERLYN
That little kid makes a fool of everyone, don’t feel so bad.

ANGLESAULT
Nobody makes a fool of me! Especially someone twenty five years younger than me! Amberlyn, there is an eight girl women’s championship scramble at Anglemania. Alfdogg put her in there because she’s the Queen Of The Ring, I’m putting you in there because I trust you’ll make certain she won’t walk out of there with the women’s title.

AMBERLYN
You want me to fight my own niece?

ANGLESAULT
Is that going to be a problem?

AMBERLYN
She’s Krista’s little kid. And if you hurt Krista’s kids…

Amberlyn leans forward to give AS a peak down her low cut shirt.

AMBERLYN
Maybe you and I can talk this over. Maybe we can work a few things out.

The Duncan charm seems to work and AS softens his stance.

ANGLESAULT
There’s eight girls in the match, you don’t have to fight her but just make sure that girl gets nowhere near the Women’s Title. Pierce?

PIERCE
Speak to me, bossdawg. The Result is all ears.

ANGLESAULT
Your job is to handle Alix Maria Spezia. You Riggs, Bosley, and CPA have to deal with her.

PIERCE
Hey, no problem! The Result gets results.

ANGLESAULT
Good, then you shouldn’t have any issues handling the Orange County Cobras.

PIERCE
No problem at all, big dog!

ANGLESAULT
And Leon Rodez to.

Pierce freezes, remembering back to the hellish beating Leon Rodez delivered to him just two weeks ago.

PIERCE
Ah….uh….sure. Yeah.

ANGLESAULT
Excellent. Simply excellent.

[Chanel #99]

We're backstage in the office of whomever happens to be the storyline authority figure this week, honestly it changes to much the OAOAST does not even bother putting the name on the door, instead it just says "Head Honcho"

Now El Camaleón is usually a very polite man, his mama raised him right after all and frankly she would be mortified if she saw him just barge into the head honcho's office without knocking, but that's exactly what happens

BARGE~!

CAMALEÓN
This is an injustice!!

The camera pans around, revealing that the man behind the table is not an authority figure as such, but actually just Terry Taylor, all round flunky and gopher, trying to see if there were any good cigars in the desk he could steal. Taylor looks shocked as he is caught in the act, but it does not seem to bother El Camaleón

CAMALEÓN
I demand justice! I cannot accept this!

Taylor looks both left and right trying to figure out if he is being Punk'ed or something. Then when he realizes that El Camaleón actually does not realize Taylor is not really any kind of authority in the OAOAST, he leans back and tries to look like he really cares what El Camaleón is about to say.

CAMALEÓN
You saw what happened at the Heartland Spectacular right?

TAYLOR
.. Yeah sure

He really did not, but figured if he goes along with it he can sneak out before being caught stealing cigars.

CAMALEÓN
We were disqualified for no reason!

TAYLOR
Erm... I agree with you Cammy baby, but really the referee's decision is final. I mean otherwise we'd have everyone barge in here week after week demanding match results being turned over.

CAMALEÓN
Well...

TAYLOR
You see my problem right?

Camaleón is not allowed to answer before Dr. Lucha, Jr. barges in as well

I swear Mexicans are normally MUCH, MUCH politer than this, really, honestly

DR. LUCHA, JR.
I knew you would be in here whining like a little girl trying to have her period

CAMALEÓN
Funny

DR. LUCHA, JR.
The truth hardly ever is, that is just a fact of life. I knew you would come whine about this, take it like a man!

CAMALEÓN
That is funny coming from a guy that cannot win without outnumbering the opponent

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Bull! La Ola Mexicana does not need the numbers to win.

CAMALEÓN
Prove it, a tag match against Los Hijos del Infierno, we're not going to fall for their mask trick again.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Ha! Sure, they don't mind beating you again.

CAMALEÓN
With La Ola Mexicana banned from ringside!

DR. LUCHA, JR.
If that will shut you up, I'll agree to it. On the other hand, we grow tired of beating you and your buddies up; we need a little more competition.

CAMALEÓN
I could get anyone in the locker-room to team with me, no problem.

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Fine, then you cannot team with anyone from MILLF

Camaleón pauses for a moment, mainly because he really has not had time to talk to that many OAOAST workers yet.

CAMALEÓN
Frankly I could team with Outhouse Jack and still win

DR. LUCHA, JR.
Prove it!!

After arguing they both turn to Terry Taylor who only halfway paid attention to what was going on and instead tried to pry one of the drawers open.

TAYLOR
Erm... Yeah, sure do it, it's booked... and stuff.

The vague approval seems to be good enough for both parties as the walk off, getting ready for a match that has not really been approved, under rules that could not really be enforced even if they were broken.

But still, ignorance is bliss and right now they are both extremely blissful.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S...

ANGLEMANIA TEN

SUNDAY NIGHT, APRIL 3rd

ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

   

We return from commercials about five "Wells" into Roots Manuva's

“Witness (1 Hope)”

Well, Well, well

COLE

What is J-MAX doing out here? I don't have him on the format

COACH

You actually read the format before the show? Ha! You really are a nerd.

Taskmaster burst the bionic zit-splitter

Breakneck speed we drown ten pints of bitter

We lean all day and some say that ain't productive

That depend upon the demons that you're stuck with.

MICHAEL BUFFER

The following is a tag team match, scheduled for one fall with a 20-minute time limit. Introducing first, proudly hailing from Birmingham, England

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

COACH

I've never heard of anyone being proud to be from Birmingham

MICHAEL BUFFER

Weighing in at 181 pounds, this is the Birmingham Badboy, JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY-MAX!!

Cause right now, I see clearer than most

I sit here contending with this cheese on toast

I feel the pain of a third world famine

Segue, we count them blessings and keep jamming

J-MAX walks, stopping a moment to take in the cheers from the crowd, nodding in approval as he walks to the ring.

COACH

Okay so we've got J-MAX, and it's a tag tea.... oh no!

COLE

What?

COACH

J-MAX usually teams with (shudders) Mariachi.

The music dies down as J-MAX gets in the ring and grabs the mic.

J-MAX

Okay so I'm here.... where is my partner??

COACH

Wait he doesn't even know?

After a moment of silence a loud whistle is blown as the logo for Aston Villa F.C. appears on the Angle-tron

COLE

Whu?

COACH

Don't look at me.

Only J-MAX seems to recognize the logo as he nods in approval then impatiently looks at his wrist, pretending to check the time. Moments later El Camaleón walks out through the curtains, wearing his normal mask but otherwise dressed in the home colors of the Aston Villa Football Club, complete with black shoes, knee-high socks and a football (soccer ball to those that think that football is played with very little foot-to-ball contact). J-MAX applauds the choice of the claret and sky blue outfit, appreciating the gesture from El Camaleón

COACH

This goof again, and with a soccer ball? Honestly I did not know he was a girl, maybe that's why he wears a mask.

COLE

Soccer is huge in Mexico Coach, the only sport more popular than Lucha Libre

COACH

Are you telling me that wrestling is the second most popular sport in Mexico?

COLE

Yup

COACH

Man I need to go to Mexico; I can make a fortune selling autographs.

Camaleón runs down the aisle, slides under the bottom rope to get into the ring and then extends his hand in friendship to J-MAX. After looking to the crowd for approval J-MAX shakes the hand, nodding in approval over Camaleón's choice of outfit, especially the Villa kit from 2010 with the Acorn Children's Hospice on the front.

COLE

I guess it did not hurt to go "native" with J-MAX, looks like Dr. Lucha's hopes that Camaleón would not be able to find a non-MILLF'er to team with was dashed.

COACH

That is not why he made that stipulation at all Cole. You see sometimes you get tired of beating up the same people over and over, just like I at times get tired of putting the verbal smackdown on you week in and week out.

COLE

What keeps bringing you back?

COACH

The Paycheck foo' you think I am sitting here because I enjoy your conversational skills?

In the ring El Camaleón begins to dribble the ball in circles around J-MAX, then he flips it up with his foot and keeps bouncing it off his feet, knees, shoulder and whatever else he can as he displays some pretty good ball handling skills.

The guitar riff intro the "Back in Black" kicks in as Michael Buffer gets ready to introduce the other team for the match.

MICHAEL BUFFER

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND their opponents weighing in at a combined 340 pounds, from Mexico City Mexico here are....

Back in black

I hit the sack

I've been too long I'm glad to be back

MICHAEL BUFFER

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS HIJOS DEEEEEEL INFIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERNO!!!

Yes, I'm let loose

From the noose

That's kept me hanging about

The two brothers steps into the arena, not really caring that the crowd is generally oblivious of who they are, not caring that most people outside of Mexico do not know that they were voted Mexico's best tag team three times in the last five years, no it matters not to them one iota, instead they are focused on their opponents in the ring.

COACH

Now this is a team, they're coordinated and even dress alike.

COLE

And we cannot forget that Camaleón and J-MAX have never teamed together, they've never even been in the same right together before tonight.

COACH

Exactly, how can they win?

Los Hijos step through the ropes, annoyed by the fact that Camaleón and J-MAX seems to be ignoring them in favor of kicking the ball back and forth between them while having a good time.

COACH

Come on now, we came to see a wrestling match, not a football game.

COLE

You know they're quite talented with the balls.

COACH

Yeah like 12-year-old girls. Maybe we can at least get a soccer riot out of this

The two tecnicos keep passing the ball back and forth, showing great ball control; everything seems to be laid back and fun loving until J-MAX spins around and

POW!!

Kicks the ball straight into the face of the unsuspecting Hijo del Infierno II, knocking him down

COACH

Whoa!!

Camaleón jumps Hijo del Infierno I and takes him down with a huracanrana into a pinning position while J-MAX lands a ...

COLE

RUNNING SHOOTINGSTAR PRESS!!

Both Hijos have their shoulders to the ground for a double pin

ONE!!

COACH

No way, not like this

TWO!!

THR-NO-THEY-KICKED-OUT-AT-THE-LAST-MOMENT!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

COLE

Man the fans really thought that could have been it!

COACH

Yeah right, it'll take more than a soccer ball to the face to hurt these guys.

Coach seems to have underestimated the damage a soccer ball can inflict as a trickle of blood begins to drop from Hijo del Infierno II's nose, indicating that he may have had his nose broken by the ball. The levity that was present before the match started evaporated the moment J-MAX kicked the ball; especially on the part of El Camaleón who is punishing Hijo del Infierno I with a combined twisting arm and leg hold.

COACH

Damn Hooligans!

COLE

Were you not just hoping for a soccer riot? Now that you have it you don't want it?

COACH

I'm a complex person Cole, I got layers like an onion, I am not a coconut like you

COLE

Coconut?

COACH

Hairy and Hardheaded, not to mention white and damp on the inside.

COLE

It's a medical condition I keep telling you, let it go it's been months since that wet pants incident.

While Coach and Cole bicker the rest of the audience is more focused on the in ring action as El Camaleón shows that Lucha Libre is more than just high flying moves as he keeps Hijo I under control with a series of mat moves. With his opponent face down Camaleón steps on the back of both Hijo II's legs, wrapping his opponents feet up behind his own legs before punching Hijo II in the kidneys

COACH

See, a total Hooligan, hitting a man while he is down.

The punch to the kidneys forces Hijo I to involuntarily bring his arms back, allowing El Camaleón to grab both of them, holding on tight as he rocks backwards.

COACH

What the hell is he trying to do?

COLE

I think it's a form of Surfboard submission hold; at least it would be if he could flip his opponent up.

Camaleón throws his body backwards, gaining enough momentum to flip Hijo del Infierno I up on his knees, upping the pressure on both his knees and back. The pain is heightened even further when Camaleón reaches up and locks his hands under Hijo I's chin, pulling him back so far that Hijo I's spine is screaming

If a spinal cord could scream that is.

Fearing that his older brother may indeed submit Hijo del Infierno II rushes into the ring and kicks El Camaleón in the back, breaking up the hold.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

When Hijo del Infierno II turns his back to the action, intent on leaving after helped his brother escape the surfboard, Hijo II is kicked in the back by J-MAX who came off the top rope. Hijo II tumbles through the ropes, while J-MAX quickly returns to the apron ready for a tag

COLE

Now that's teamwork!

COACH

That's what you could expect, one Hooligan protecting the other Hooligan's back.

COLE

So you're saying we've got Los Hijos del Infierno going up against Los Hooligans?

Coach does not respond to Cole's lame pun, choosing instead to focus on the match as Camaleón tags in J-MAX. J-MAX just stands there, waiting as he allows Hijo I to crawl across the canvas to tag in his brother.

COLE

What sportsmanship, he wants a fair matchup

COACH

Are you kidding me?

J-MAX extends his hand to Hijo del Infierno II, seemingly intent on having a sportsmanlike contest. When Hijo del Infierno II foolishly goes to shake J-MAX's hand he pulls it back and flips off the younger Infierno brother.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

After flipping the bird J-MAX runs at the ropes, swings around like he was executing a 619, but stops and instead just hangs off the ropes like it was a hammock, mocking his opponent. An angered Hijo del Infierno II runs at J-MAX, only for SuperJay to drop out of the way at the last moment so that Hijo II flies through the ropes instead of executing the dropkick he was hoping for. Fortunately for Hijo II he landed on his feet and is quickly back on the apron, unfortunately for Hijo II J-MAX bounces off the top rope on the other side of the corner, twisting into a flying drop kick that knocks Hijo del Infierno II to the ground.

COLE

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY!!

COACH

So he got in one good move, one move never won a match

COLE

I believe Lorelei won the Women's championship with one move

COACH

Well that's different; Lorelei is awesome!

When J-MAX attempts to springboard over the top and out of the ring Hijo del Infierno II slides under the bottom rope, fortunately for the Birmingham Badboy he is fast enough to adjust his trajectory and lands on the apron instead. A split second later he uses the top rope to launch himself into the ring

CHOP!!

Right into a vicious chop from Hijo del Infierno II that not only leaves a mark but also sends him to the canvas ass over elbow, literally his elbow hits the canvas before his ass does! Hijo II goes for an elbow drop, only for J-MAX to roll out of the way and then leaps to his feet. After locking Hijo del Infierno II in an arm lock he reaches out and tags in El Camaleón. The two throws Hijo II against the ropes, and then takes him down with a double leg takedown before striking Hijo II in the face with a double drop kick.

COACH

Come on now, they can’t win without cheating!

COLE

I think my irony meter just exploded

Hijo I leaps over the top rope to help his brother out, only to be kicked in the midsection by El Camaleón. Camaleón and J-MAX whips Hijo I into the ropes, when he returns Camaleón drops down to the canvas, then on the return Camaleón knocks the older Infierno down with a sliding drop kick to the shins, followed J-MAX drop kicking Hijo del Infierno I square in the face

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

COLE

You know these guys have some pretty good teamwork

COACH

(Mumbles) whatever

The drop kick knocked Hijo I to the floor, placing him right next to his brother. When the tecnicos hits the ropes to get speed up for a dive Los Hijos slide into the ring and surprise J-MAX and Camaleón with a set of stereo Frankensteiners, followed by stereo drop kicks.

COACH

Now that's more like it, Los Hijos finally showing us their flawless teamwork.

With a break in the action El Camaleón rolls to the floor, while J-MAX is in the corner, staying low. Hijo II steps out of the ring while Hijo I puts a headlock on J-MAX and twists it to an unnatural angle. Hijo II lifts his leg up off the ground, getting it close enough to his brother for a blind tag.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

COLE

The frequents tags are one of the hallmarks of a great team

COACH

And they've got it down.

Hijo II releases the headlock a split second before Hijo II punishes SuperJay with a sliding drop kick to the head. Infierno II picks up J-MAX, executing a backbreaker, and then he stands up while still holding J-MAX in the backbreaker position, allowing him to do another backbreaker, then sliding J-MAX into a pinning position

ONE!!

TWO!!

TH-KICKOUT!!

Not one to let one little setback.. erm.. set him back, Hijo I puts J-MAX in a front headlock and then powers him up in a suplex position. J-MAX blocks the move as best he can, shaking his legs to keep from going over. Hijo I is almost forced to put J-MAX down, but manages to power him up again, only for J-MAX to almost escape again. In a sign of his superiority Hijo del Infierno I lifts J-MAX up for a third time and then slams him to the canvas with a twisting suplex

COACH

You have got to admit that was impressive Cole

COLE

Yeah alright, I will, a lot of people would not have been able to hold their opponent up for that long.

Cover!!

ONE!!

TWO!!

TH-BROKEN-UP-By-CAMALEÓN!!!

El Camaleón felt the need to save his partner before the three count, darting in the ring to kick Hijo I in the head, then quickly leaves the ring again to keep from getting disqualified. Hijo I drags J-MAX into their corner, then tags in his younger brother while holding J-MAX's arm in the air

KICK!

COLE

Right in the exposed ribs, these guys are sadistic!!

COACH

It's a winning tactic Cole; we're not knitting potholders here

Los Hijos whips J-MAX into the ropes, and then both of them leapfrog over him as he bounces off the ropes. On the rebound Hijo I leapfrogs over J-MAX again, putting their opponent in the perfect position for a sandwich spin kick, Hijo I striking J-MAX in the back and Hijo II kicking him in the chest at the exact same moment.

COACH

Make me a sammich!! ha, ha, ha.

Hijo del Infierno I leapfrogs over J-MAX, trying to distract him, but when he turns around the Birmingham Badboy lands a double drop kick out of sheer desperation.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

With both opponents down he crawls towards his own corner, reaching out towards El Camaleón who is begging to make the tag. Hijo II dives across the ring to prevent the tag but

SLAP!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

He is too late as El Camaleón is tagged in, immediately springboarding over the top rope, taking Hijo II down with a drop kick. The momentum is quickly ended by an elbow smash from Hijo I; the two Infiernales whips El Camaleón into the ropes, attempting to knock Camaleón down with a double back elbow. Camaleón ducks under the elbows, then grabs Hijo II around the waist. Hijo II reverses the hold and grabs Camaleón from behind, holding him stead as Hijo I attacks again.

COLE

Kick by Camaleón!! He blocked Hijo I

Camaleón snap mares Hijo II over, then locks him in position for an inverted DDT, when Hijo I approaches he is kicked in the gut again in perfect position for a regular DDT. Camaleón only pauses for a moment before dropping both opponents

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

COLE

I think Camaleón is really showing us that he's not just a comedy act.

COACH

He'll be road kill before the night is over, then the people of Cleveland can cheer for a loser, they're used to doing that.

Hijo I rolls to the floor as Camaleón drags Hijo del Infierno II to his feet by the mask. He goes for an Irish Whip into the corner, only for his opponent to reverse it. Camaleón easily gets his foot up when Hijo II charges in, knocking him silly enough to hook both arms for a backslide slam. The momentum allows Hijo II to roll over onto his knees instead of staying down for a pin. His escape is thwarted by being stamped in the chest by a double drop kick from El Camaleón, as being kicked in the chest often does.

COACH

COME ON GUYS!! Remember what put you in control of the match.

COLE

Yeah cheating.

COACH

So? I have no problems with that.

El Camaleón goes for a suplex, but Hijo del Infierno II flips over the top and lands on the canvas behind Camaleón. When he turns around Hijo del Infierno II goes for a back flip kick aimed at his opponent's head, only to miss as Camaleón takes a step back, catching Hijo II in a wheelbarrow slam position. Instead of a slam Hijo II reverses the hold and pulls Camaleón into a roll-up position.

ONE!!

TWO!!

KICKOUT!!

After the kick out Hijo del Infierno II displays a flash of speed as he rolls over onto his feet, then rushing Camaleón before he can get to his feet. He tries to sunset flip Camaleón down, but instead he locks his arms around El Camaleón's waist and straight up powers him up in the air for a belly to back suplex.

COACH

Superior talent will always come out on top Cole, I keep telling you that.

COLE

And I always wonder what you would know about superior talent.

COACH

I certainly do not sit next to it week in and week out... unlike you

COLE

Yea... HEY!!

COACH

Once El Camaleón gets to his knees Hijo I attempts to kick his opponent in the face, only to miss as El Camaleón ducks under the kick. Camaleón leaps into the air from a seated position, landing a spin kick to the side of Hijo II's face. The punishment is almost too much for El Camaleón though as he crawls towards his corner, leaping in for a tag before Hijo del Infierno II can stop him

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

J-MAX leaps into the ring, only to be greeted by a kick to the chest by Hijo del Infierno II and is then thrown into the corner. He Irish Whips J-MAX across the ring, then takes a run at him only for J-MAX to jump out of the way, punishing Hijo del Infierno II with a kick to the back of the head. A moment later J-MAX runs across the ring, swiftly drop kicking Hijo I off the apron. J-MAX steps through the ropes, planning to leap onto Hijo I, but when II takes a run at J-MAX, SuperJay springboards over the top rope, taking Hijo II down with a sunset flip. At the same time El Camaleón runs across the ring and leaps out of the ring, taking Hijo I down with a summersault plancha.

COACH

He's not the legal man!! This is not right!

COLE

I've been meaning to ask you this Coach, how do you switch between your two faces so quickly?

Hijo II kicks out, and then leaps to his feet. He fails to kick J-MAX in the face as the Birmingham Badboy ducks under, only to nail a standing Moonsault as J-MAX is prone of the canvas.

ONE!!

TWO!!

KICKOUT!!

J-MAX kicks out with enough force to flip Hijo II through the ropes onto the floor. Camaleón grabs both Los Hijos and move them into position as J-MAX lines up his shot. After bouncing off the top rope J-MAX gets MASSIVE AIR as he springboard flips onto Los Hijos, sending them both crashing against the guardrails

HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!

COLE

J-MAX AIRLINES OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!

COACH

Don't cheer prematurely; J-MAX looks like he took quite a blow himself.

Although he is shaken J-MAX still manages to get to his feet and throws one of Los Hijos into the ring while Camaleón pushes the other Infiernal into the ring before returning to his spot on the apron. J-MAX swiftly tags in Camaleón, legally bringing him into the ring. They toss Hijo I into the corner, then whips Hijo del Infierno II into his brother. Camaleón drops to his feet as J-MAX takes off running

COLE

ELBOW SMASH!!

COACH

Yeah but Hijo II ducked out of the way, J-MAX only hit one of them.

Hijo del Infierno II tries to take advantage of the momentary confusion by trying to knock Camaleón down with a spin kick, only to have Cam duck under the kick. Los Hooligans goes for a double chop, only for Hijo II to duck under it Matrix style, then kipping back to his feet. Before either of the tecnicos can react Hijo del Infierno II lands a flip kick to both men.

COACH

These Hooligans are not the only ones with speed; they were getting too cocky in the ring.

With both J-MAX and Camaleón staggered Hijo I leaps off the second rope and takes them both down with a bulldog.

COLE

Why is the referee not counting? They should not all be allowed in the ring at the same time.

COACH

Oh get the sand out of your vag. Besides there are only two people in the ring now.

COLE

Yeah but that's only because J-MAX and Camaleón both rolled to the floor.

COACH

The point still stands!

With their opponents on opposite sides Los Hijos confer for a moment, then they race towards opposite corners, twisting around as they leaps so they bounce off the top rope with their backs to the outside. Showing that they are just as home in the air as their opponents both Infiernos springboard flips onto their opponents on the floor

COACH

See, see anything those Hooligans can do Los Hijos can do ten times better!

The referee slowly begins to count with all four on the outside; taking his time between each count, as he does really not want the match to end like this. After a few moments Hijo II rolls El Camaleón into the ring before joining his older brother inside the squared circle. Hijo I motions for El Camaleón to stand up as he and his brother gets in position for some kind of double team move.

COLE

Oh shit

Hijo del Infierno II lands a series of blows and kicks, sending El Camaleón staggering towards Hijo I. The older brother picks up Camaleón in a fireman's carry position. With a head of steam Hijo I plans Camaleón with a flipping slam, positioning him close to one of the corners. Both Infiernales climbs the ropes, standing side by side as they leap in the air

DOUBLE 450 SPLASHES!!!!

HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!

The both cover El Camaleón

ONE!!

TW-

At the last moment J-MAX leaps off the top rope, landing a double stomp to both Infiernos

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

MICHAEL BUFFER

ONE MINUTE REMAINING! There is one minute left in the match.

J-MAX drags Hijo del Infierno II to his feet, knees him in the gut and them leaps over the top for a sunset flip. Hijo II blocks the move, putting both feet on the top rope. El Camaleón lands a double stomp to Hijo I's stomach before he turns to see Hijo II holding onto the top rope.

MICHAEL BUFFER

THIRTY SECONDS

Camaleón kicks Hijo del Infierno II's hands off the ropes, then for added measure he lands a spin kick that knocks Hijo II down into a pinning position

MICHAEL BUFFER

FIFTEEN SECONDS!!

COACH

Come on, kick out!!

ONE!!

TWO!!

El Camaleón cuts off Hijo del Infierno I before he can break up the pin fall

THREEEEEEE!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

MICHAEL BUFFER

The winners of the match, in 19 minutes 57 seconds the team of El CAMALEÓÓÓÓÓÓÓÓÓÓN and J-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!

The crowd goes wild as the tecnicos manage to drag a victory from the jaws of a draw with only three seconds to spare.

COACH

No, no, no, no the time was up, I'm sure of it. Buffer's watch was wrong, this is a travesty of justice!!

Both Hijos del Infierno roll to the floor, obviously upset with losing to a makeshift team, but also realizing that the result will stand. In the ring J-MAX and El Camaleón celebrate their last second success.

THAT WAS AWE-SOME!!

THAT WAS AWE-SOME!!

THAT WAS AWE-SOME!!

COLE

I have got to agree with the fans.

COACH

Los Hijos were robbed, that was a disgrace by those Hooligans; I mean are they really going to take a cheap vict...

*static*

It seems that Coach's two-faced'ness actually broke the camera, so we may as well go to a commercial break.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

And now, the OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK~!

COURTESY: OAOAST HEARTLAND SPECTACULAR

Suddenly there’s a commotion in the crowd. The camera scans various sections until we find REJECT.

COACH
What now?

Reject slips into the ring unbeknownst to Timmy and PUNTS him.

COLE
No, damnit!

Reject gives THE EULOGY and places Spencer on top of Timmy.

MONEYMAKER


Moneymaker confronts Reject about his actions but is brushed off. The Billion Dollar Heir continues to press his luck when Reject decides enough is enough and delivers another EULOGY~!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
Oh, my!

The ref finally turns around and the makes.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

COACH
We’ve got new champions!

This has been the OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK~!

Backstage, REJECT watches on with a smirk on his face as Terry Taylor enters the picture.

TERRY
You’re real proud of your actions last week, aren’t you?

REJECT
So much for me being a wanted man, Terry Taylor. Not only did I take out that wannabe sheriff Baron Windels, I also took out his little deputy just for the hell of it. Let that be a message to all the OAOAST superstars, especially Theodore Moneymaker and his Enterprise. If that pretty boy Spencer Reiger has any brains, he’ll think better of filling in for that chicken shit Moneymaker and take his girlfriend out for an ice cream instead. Otherwise Jade’s gonna be the owner of a broken heart after I get done with him. I might even get a thank you note from Krista.

Reject walks off as Terry shakes his head.

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN is brought to you by....
THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU-IN THEATRES TODAY 

“Final Ride” by TRU plays as Reject walks to the ring.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, representing the Deadly Alliance… from the Bronx, weighing 230 pounds… RRRRRREEEEEJECT!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Reject slithers inside and poses on the turnbuckle.

COLE
In case you missed it, here’s how we all learned Reject wouldn’t be facing Theodore Moneymaker like originally thought.

EARLIER TONIGHT

MONEYMAKER
See, Terry, although Reject’s been spared a beat down of epic proportions from me, he’ll still get his ass handed to him tonight by my worthy replacement. A man who would defend the Enterprise’s honor like his girlfriend’s. No, I’m not speaking of Biffman or even Tim Cash, neither of whom have girlfriends and live in their parents’ basement. The man I’ve choose to represent me is New York’s finest... SPENCER REIGER!

SPENCER (off-camera)
What?!

Spencer storms into view and right in Teddy’s face. Fellow tag champion CMJ and Lorelei DeCenzo forced to restrain him.

MONEYMAKER
Go get him champ! BWAHAHAHA!!

COLE
Nobody knows for sure how hurt Theodore Moneymaker…

COACH
Oh, come on, Cole. You really think Teddy would come up with a bogus injury?

COLE
Yes. But I don’t think it’s to avoid facing Reject. I think it’s all a set up to get back at Spencer Reiger for his rebellious behavior.

COACH
I give you this, Mikey Cole, you have quite the imagination.

“The World is Mine” by David Guetta blasts through the speakers and Spencer Reiger is led out by CMJ and Lorelei.

BUFFER
And his opponent, accompanied by fellow One & Only World tag team champion COLIN MAGUIRE, JR. and LORELEI DECENZO, representing THE ENTERPRISE… from Manhattan, New York, one-half of the ONE & ONLY WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS… "THE ONE MAN TRIPLE THREAT" of looks, skills and charisma... SSSSPPPEEEEEEEEENNCCCCCEEEEEEERRRRR RRRREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGEEEEERRRRRRR!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

As Spencer heads to the ring, THEODORE MONEYMAKER unexpectedly appears and instructs CMJ and Lorelei to return backstage.

COLE
Spencer Reiger isn’t going to like this.

COACH
Quit trying to stir up trouble, Cole.

Spencer doesn’t spot Moneymaker ringside until he removes his entrance garb attire.

SPENCER


Moneymaker snatches the tag title away and polishes it as Reject blindsides Spencer.

* DINGDINGDING *

COLE
Did you see that? Theodore Moneymaker didn’t even bother to warn Spencer.

COACH
Because he was too busy polishing the tag title for him, you idiot. Quit trying to stir up trouble.

Reject continues his assault until Spencer ducks a clothesline and takes him down with a running inverted bulldog!

COLE
A New York Knockout from New York’s Finest!

Reject lures Spencer to the corner and thumbs him in the eye. Spencer is introduced to the top turnbuckle and then punished with a series of RVD style kicks and knife edge chops.

“REJECT SUCKS!”
“REJECT SUCKS!”
“REJECT SUCKS!”

REJECT


The R-man shows his distain for the OAOAST Galaxy and Spencer makes him pay for it.

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Spencer snap mares Reject out of the corner and delivers a measured knee drop, but rather than go for the cover he steps onto the apron and signals for the slingshot double stomp.  

MONEYMAKER
No, no, no! Cover him!

Spencer ignores the advice and prepares to swing over the top when Moneymaker grabs him by the shorts.

MONEYMAKER
Didn’t you hear me? I said cover him! Cover him while I hold his leg down.

Spencer dares to talk back to Moneymaker and eats a forearm to the back of the neck courtesy of Reject that knocks him down onto the guardrail.

COLE
How can anybody deny there’s no problems between Theodore Moneymaker and Spencer Reiger when you see things like that?

COACH
What, Reject attack from behind? The man’s an opportunist, Cole.

COLE
Don’t play dumb with me.  

COACH
Then don’t act dumb.

Reject drops Spencer throat-first on the guardrail and then slides back in to break the 10 count. As he does that Moneymaker helps Spencer up, but dumps him like a bad habit when Reject walks over.

COACH
Don’t even start, Cole.

Reject tosses Spencer back in and covers him.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

A faint chant of “SPENCER” can be heard as Spencer is placed in a SLEEPER.

MONEYMAKER

(notices camera)
Hang in there, Spencer!

A loud ovation prompts Moneymaker to look toward the entryway and freak as JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN races down the aisle.

COLE
Hey, it’s Jade, the girlfriend of Spencer Reiger and daughter of megastar Krista!

COACH
Like we didn’t already know that.

COLE
Be nice, Coach, or I might decide to bring someone else as my guest to their wedding.

COACH
You probably have your dress picked out too.

COLE
Dress?

COACH
Yeah, because I know you have your sights set on being a maid of honor!

Spencer notices Jade cheering him on and immediately shows signs of life, melting the hearts of female members of the OAOAST Galaxy.

COLE
Can somebody hand me a tissue? *sniffles*

COACH
Can I get Tony Brannigan back out here?

Spencer rises to a vertical base and fires off a round of elbows to escape Reject’s clutches, but Reject reverses a whip and catches Spencer with a knee to the gut on the rebound which causes Jade to cover her face in horror.

MONEYMAKER
(shouting from across ring)
It’s your fault, woman.

Jade receives a thunderous ovation when she motions for Moneymaker to talk to the hand.

COLE
You go, girl.

Spencer is seated on the top rope and brought back down to earth via a SUPERPLEX!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Jade rallies the crowd behind Spencer, even Reject who mockingly claps along. He slams Spencer mid-ring before going up top for a big elbow.

JADE
Come on, Spencer!

Reject points to Jade and tells her this one’s for her. Little did he know that met a punch to the gut from Spencer and A SLAM OFF THE TOP!!  

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

As Reject writhes in pain, Spencer connects with a MOONSAULT!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Spencer whips Reject in for a BAAAAAACK body drop, then connects with a standing dropkick that knocks Reject out near Jade. Moneymaker rushes over and suddenly Jade find herself in between two of the most dastardly men in the OAOAST.

COLE
Uh-oh.

COACH
Don’t worry, Cole. Teddy will protect Jade.

Moneymaker delivers a handful of cheap shots on Reject as the ref keeps Spencer at bay, but once Reject is back on his feet Moneymaker uses Jade as a human shield.

COLE
Oh yeah, what a big tough guy Theodore Moneymaker is.

COACH
What are you talking about, Cole? Jade’s the one who jumped in front of Teddy.

Spencer dives through the ropes and absolutely levels Reject as D*LUX go after Moneymaker.

COLE
You can Tyler Bryant and Shayne Brave didn’t appreciate Theodore Moneymaker using Jade as a human shield.

D*LUX have Moneymaker cornered when CMJ attacks from behind. A brawl ensues outside between D*LUX and CMJ/Moneymaker which the ref is unable to breakup. Meanwhile in the ring, Spencer and Reject continue to do battle.

COACH
It’s turning into a war zone out here, Cole.

As if things couldn’t get any wilder, the arena EXPLODES when BARON WINDELS storms the ring.

REJECT


Reject quickly bails through the crowd while BW gives chase.

COLE
Baron Windels is back!

COACH
I never thought he’d show his face again after Anglepalooza.

The ref counts Reject out and calls for the bell.

* DINGDINGDINGDING *

Moneymaker throws his arms up in disgust as the Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber of the OAOAST celebrate.

BUFFER
The winner of the match, as result of a count out… SSSSPPPEEEEEEEEENNCCCCCEEEEEEERRRRR RRRREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGEEEEERRRRRRR!!!

*mixed reaction *

Spencer and OAOAST officials separate D*LUX, CMJ and Moneymaker.

COACH
Finally order is restored.

COLE
I’m not so sure about that.

With those words we cut outside where BW throws a TV MONITOR through the BACK WINDOW of a CAR being driven by Reject.

COLE
Reject is outta here! And we've got to take a commercial break. More after these words from our sponsors.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

In the ring Terry Taylor welcomes his guest.

TERRY
OAOAST Galaxy, please welcome… DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW!

“Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody” by David Lee Roth cues and the Flaming Gigolo receives a warm reception.

COLE
As Deuce makes his way to the ring, let’s revisit the incident that occurred between himself, Mr. Dick and Jumbo one week ago.

COACH
It was wild to say the least, baby boy.

OAOAST HEARTLAND SPECTACULAR - LAST WEEK

MISTER DICK
This is some bullshit, Terry. I expected to be apart of some hot action. To think I had my favorite brand of lube flown in from Southeast Asia for what I thought was going to be a special occasion.

COACH
They make lube in Southeast Asia?

MISTER DICK
Well, guess the only thing left to do is create some action. Malaysia.

Given the signal, Malaysia lifts Terry up in a Canadian backbreaker.

COLE
Oh, no. Canadian backbreaker piledriver coming up.

COACH
And Terry has a history of neck issues, Cole. It’s what forced him into retirement. This could cripple him.

Thankfully the underappreciated OAOAST superstar DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW makes the save and decks Malaysia!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

MISTER DICK


MD charges Deuce and is pressed slammed for his trouble.

COLE
It looks like Mr. Dick got the hot action he wanted after all. He just didn’t know it’d come from the Flaming Gigolo, who prior to the HLS going live on the air was part of a tag match with Jumbo.

Deuce pummels MD in the corner when Malaysia jumps on his back.

COACH
No better lays a finger on Malaysia’s man, Cole

Malaysia gouges Deuce’s eyes when she’s yanked off by JUMBO.

COLE
It’s Jumbo!

COACH
This isn’t fair, Cole. It’s 4 against 2 now.

Jumbo clubs Malaysia across the back as MD pulls out his favorite brand of LUBE.

COLE
He’s got the lube!

COACH
I’ll take something you wouldn’t expect to hear on a wrestling show for $200.

Jumbo bumps into Deuce and shoves him down as MD squirts the lube their direction, which catches Jumbo right in the eye!  

COLE
No, not in the face!

Jumbo squirms like a worm as MD and Malaysia flee the scene.

COLE
We learned earlier in the week on OAOAST Syndicated that Jumbo suffered retinal damage. How long he’ll be out is anyone’s guess, but we do wish Jumbo a speedy recovery.

Deuce acknowledges the OAOAST Galaxy with a wave of the arm, but he’s clearly all business tonight.

TERRY
Deuce, let me first thank you for last week. You bailed me out of a bad situation. Unfortunately your friend Jumbo wasn’t so lucky. His career could very well be over after suffering retinal damage.

DEUCE
And for what, something you could get off the internet?

COACH
Hey, nothing beats the live experience.

COLE
Will you stop!

DEUCE
But you ended up getting that hot action you came for, didn’t you, Dick? You just didn’t expect it to be in the form of a 380-plus pound Flaming Gigolo!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

DEUCE
Now earlier in the week on OAOAST Syndicated I issued a challenge to that prick for a match anytime, anywhere, but judging by his response, or lack thereof, he can’t stand the heat!

MISTER DICK (off-camera)
Careful what you wish for DOUCHE, or you just might get it.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
Oh my god, that was great. Quote of the show right there, Mikey Cole.

Needless to say, Mr. Dick and Malaysia don’t receive the warm reception Deuce got when they appear onstage.

MISTER DICK
See, when it comes to heat there ain’t nobody in the OAOAST that’s got more of it than good ol’ MD. That stands for Mister Dick, by the way. Just in case one of those needles pierced your brain when you decided to tattoo your head. Anyway, I got so much heat I’m gonna let a little rub off ya. So next week, you and me one on one.

DEUCE
Why wait till next week when there's nothing but air between us!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Deuce invites MD in the ring, but the Real American Prick won’t have any of it.

DEUCE
Then I guess I oughta take the fight to you.

MD and Malaysia flee backstage as Deuce gives chase.

COLE
Oh, my! Next week Deuce will meet Mr. Dick one on one!

COACH
That’s if Dick doesn’t get his hands on Deuce first tonight.

COLE
It’s the other way around if you ask me. Stay with us!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
SYNTH ABDUL JABBAR VS KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

When we return from the commercial break we are half way through Los Conquistadors' entrance.

Make me take the ride
Free drinks on tonight
Take some have a feast
Break me because it keeps coming...

The two Conquistadors boldly stride through the golden smoke and purple laser lights, displaying a confidence that is by and large unearned but nonetheless is there. Halfway down the aisle they stop and turn to look at the entrance. After making a few incantations over the voodoo doll "It" the Alien walks out, shuffling his feet, staggering like he is not in control of himself.

COLE
I bet they're proud; they finally managed to posses someone

COACH
Meh it's just that weirdo, big whoop

Divine Brother Uno and Dos slide under the bottom rope and into the ring, then they instruct "It" to enter as well, making the possessed "It" step through the ropes as a normal human being... which is not the norm for "It"

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETINGS DAYTON!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
That's what we get for going to a town with a history of losing, I mean what the hell ever happened in Dayton?

CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!!

COLE
I honestly don't think they know where they're at.

COACH
They're on HeldDOWN, they're not used to it.

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
Whatever

CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!!

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
I say we should put a curse on this whole town, but damn it if someone didn't beat us to it, eh... DAYTON!

CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!! CLEVE-LAND!!

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
Like that is any better

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

COLE
Man they are working the cheap pop tonight; they could give Mick Foley pointers on it.

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
We're not here for you people, we're here for the latest craze to sweep the nation

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
The most talked about competition ever, I mean this is so cool it should feature Guy Fierri as the host

COLE
Like the OAOAST would ever work with that tool

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
I am of course talking about the ... (Dramatic pause)... CONQUISTADOR CHALLENGE!!!

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
You see we know for a fact that there is no one in the OAOAST that can beat our newest member TRES!!

Both Los Conquistadors point to "It" who has tipped over a bit, leaning against the turnbuckle, stiff as a board.

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
No one can beat him and we are not afraid to put our money where our mouth is

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
(mumbles) Well MY money

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
You see if you can beat Conquistador Tres you will win... (In his best Bob Barker voice) a NEW CAR!!

Uno points to the Angletron where a picture of Dos' 2010 Kia Rio is shown

COLE
Seriously?

COACH
What a prize (feel the sarcasm)

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
And you know I wouldn't put my baby on the line if I weren’t confident of the victory!!

COLE
It almost sounds like Dos is trying to convince HIMSELF of that more than anything else.

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
We don't care who it is, Rocksault, those dork tag team champions, even OAOAST's favorite son ZACK MALIBU

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
Hell dust off ol’ Anglesault himself, pop the dentures in his mouth and send him on down the aisle and Tres will take care of him.

COACH
Oh no they didn't!! I'm half tempted to go in there myself and kick their asses.

COLE
Well in that case I will hold your headset

COACH
I would, but ... well you know ... that old back injury is acting up tonight.

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
Come on OAOAST!!

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
Or are you scared?

Liberate by Disturbed starts up, putting the fans in the unique position that they actually want to cheer for one of Anglesault's men, but cannot really bring themselves to do so.

COACH
OOOOOH YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW BOYS!!

The Pimpmaster General himself walks out, looking both boss and pimp at the same time in his cool suit, tie, dress shoes and trademark orange tinted sunglasses. For some reason both Los Conquistadors look at each other, excitedly talking back and forth as they pull another voodoo doll out of their pouch.

COLE
I... you know I don't have a good feeling about this at all

COACH
Finally you've come to your senses Cole, this will end badly for everyone but PIMPHEMOTH~!!

The big man steps through the ropes, just looking at Los Conquistadors without revealing any emotion at all.

DIVINE BROTHER UNO
I see we have a challenger, excellent

Both Los Conquistadors start to chant in unison, making all sorts of hand gestures over the voodoo doll as they get closer and closer to Bohemoth. The big man just stands there, hands on his hips, unamused expression on his face.

COLE
I think they're trying to possess him!!

COACH
That'll never work, show me one time that has worked,

COLE
How about the guy in the corner

COACH
(gulp)

After growing wearing of Los Conquistadors chanting Bohemoth springs into action, first taking down Divine Brother Uno with a massive Front Spine buster

WHAM!!

Then he turns to Brother Dos, taking him down with a spine buster so hard that the voodoo doll they tried to use on Bohemoth flies out of the ring

WHAM!!

Finally he turns and looks at "It" in the corner, with both Conquistadors down "It" seems to come to his senses as he takes two steps forward

INTO THE EROTIC AWAKENING OF B!!!!!

WHAMMO~!

Followed by a cover that is all but academic.

ONE!!

TWO!!

THREE!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
The winner of the Conquistador Challenge, BOHEMOOOOOTH!!

COACH
Look at him; the man did not even drop his sunglasses when he took out all three Conquistadors

COLE
There are just two Conquistadors Coach, they are using that poor creature

COACH
Hey I just realized, The Metrosexual Monster just won the car

The referee hands Bohemoth the pink slip for the car as per the stipulation. Bo looks at the note for a moment, and then looks disgusted when he sees what type of car it is. He crumples up the paper and sticks it in Divine Brother Dos' mouth. Then he gives his trademark thumbs down gesture before walking out

COACH
He did not even break a sweat!

COLE
I have no clue why Los Conquistadors would put out an open challenge, did they not realize they would get stomped?

COACH
Who knows what's going through the heads of these guys, they probably took one beating too many.

We fade out with all three wrestlers still out cold on the canvas.

[Chanel #99]

We go to Melody's makeshift game room where her 360 and PSP run preview copies of No Homo. Behind the camera is Molly Nerdly.

MELODY
Hi, everybody! Hi Doctor Nick! LOL Simpsons, amirite? I’ve been catching a lot of heat on CAWS.ws from my rant at Heartland Spectacular. I even got voted out my CAW clan! So I guess I better just step up and apologize for going crazy last week. Sorry. But, I still have the inside scoops and screenshots for No Homo. Let’s take a look at my good for nothing brothers!

MARV AND MEL (PSP VERSION)



MELODY
And you, Molly...

MOLLY NERDLY (PSP VERSION)





MOLLY (OS)
Oh wow, without trying to be vain I must say I look fantastic!

MELODY
Not an ounce of cellulite on you.

MOLLY (OS)
What are you trying to say? I don't have cellulite in real life either!

Before an argument over whether Molly has cellulite on her or not, Biffman, in full costume, enters the room.

BIFFMAN
Citizen Melody, I heard you wished to speak to me.

MELODY
Thanks for coming, Biffman. Major bummer about the tag titles. Total FML moment if ever there was one. We’ll get the belts back one day. Don’t worry. But right now we’ve got to move on and buck up. I’ve got someone I want you to meet.

Melody grabs Biffman by the hand and drags him out the room. The camera follows as she leads him down the hall, to a room at the end of a corridor. Inside Biffman finds MARV dressed like him only inside a black costume. Being rather dense, Biffman doesn’t seem to realize this is MARV in a costume.

MARV
Hello, Biff. I am MARV from the future….I mean, Biffman from the future, I mean you, I mean me, I mean…you get the Biffpoint.

BIFF


MOLLY (OS)
Good grief.

MELODY
Holy Killzone 3, Biffman!

BIFFMAN
How have you come here?

Suddenly Alix walks onto the scene.

ALIX
I’ll handle that.

POW! Alix punches present day Biffman in the face.

ALIX
That’s how.

MELODY
Facepalm.

After rubbing his face and shaking the ill effects of the punch, present day Biffman turns to future Biffman.

BIFFMAN
Why have you come here, Biffman?

ALIX
I’ll handle that again.

MELODY
Alix, maybe you ought to go!

Melody ushers Alix out the door before she can cause any more bodily harm.

MARV
I’ve come to warn you about the future.

BIFFMAN
What’s wrong with the future?

MARV
It’s a future where evil reigns supreme. There’s a shortage of good weed. Only the rich can afford it. The government executes the poor for possession of weed. Weed movies are never shown on Comedy Central. No Half Baked, no Pineapple Express, no Friday, no nothing!

MELODY
(under her breath)
Stick to the script.

MARV
Uh, yes, its also a future where people like us are plentiful.

BIFFMAN
People like us? You mean people with superpowers?!

MARV
Yes. Human evolution has advanced at a rapid rate. But with it so has the capacity for evil. You see in my society warlords reign supreme. People like us are hunted down, persecuted or used as weapons. Violence and hatred towards our kind is rampant in my world. Some people consider us worse than demons. We are looked at as the scourge of society. Our only use to rest of the population is for mayhem and destruction. And it all started when Abdullah Abir Nerdly used a man with nuclear powers to blow up Times Square.

BIFFMAN
No!

MARV
Yes. You must stop Abdullah at once.

Synth Abdul Jabbar burst through the door with anger raging across his body.

SYNTH
If this ain’t some bullshit! The homie Abdullah is a real ass sand nigga, and I ain’t gonna hear him disrespected.

MELODY
Oh look its Feminem.

SYNTH
Eat a plate of donkey dicks, bitch, ain’t no one talkin’ to you. I’m about to spit that real, so listen close. That boy Abdullah is on some Ghandi shit helping peeps and what not. Hear this story.

Synth motions to doorway and Pierce Duncan walks in.

SYNTH
Tell ‘em how Abdullah saved your life, Piercey D.

PIERCE
Well, you see The Result was getting the result of being fly as hell and I nailed a couple broads after a house show in The Windy City. But these skanks were foul as hell, a ten on the hottness scale and the STD scale. I went to company doctor and he told me I got the HIV. Couldn’t believe it. Me, Piercey D, The Result, struck down in the prime of his youth. That’s when I heard about a mystical healer right here on the OAOAST roster named Abdullah Abir Nerdly. So I paid him a visit and I says to him Abdullah can you heal me? Well, he put his hands on my piece, said a few magic words, and just like that, no more HIV! Can you believe it?

MELODY
No!

SYNTH
Suck an ass, ho, Abdillah is a healer and a hero. Just like you Biffman.

MELODY
A hero, eh. Just you watch him in Synth’s match against Krista, and you’ll see how low my brother will stoop. There’s nothing heroic about him. You’ll see.

BIFFMAN
I have much to consider.

We fade out as Biffman exits the tense scene.

[Chanel #99]

We are backstage after the commercial break where we see two very achy Conquistadors and one robotic moving "It" walking to their locker room

DOS
Why did that not work? We had the right doll, we did everything the same way we put a spell on this guy (motions to "It")

UNO
I (winces in pain) am not sure, perhaps it was the shades?

DOS
Yeah... that must be it, at least I still have the car.

Dos holds up the saliva soaked pink slip that was stuffed in his mouth earlier in the night.

UNO
Frankly this guy was no help at all, I swear to go...

Uno is cut off before he could swear to a god he does not actually believe in. What cuts him off? A note taped to their door with "L.D.M." written on the envelope.

DOS
Don't tell me we've been evicted from the locker room.

Uno reads the paper; then he smiles.

UNO
No, no this is much better.

Before Uno can explain what the note said the All-American Boys show up, note in hand as well. The tension between two of the lowest ranking teams in the OAOAST is obvious.

FREEDOM
You got one too?

Uno hides the note behind his back.

UNO
None of your business!

Just then they hear knocking from one of the dumpsters by the jobber locker room, moments later the lid is opened and out comes The Masked Mutants. Slime has a note with the same initials on it stuffed in his mouth while Snot gibbers away

SNOT
YAAAH-YA-YA Blibbernotahme (something said so fast I can't even type it)

The All-American Boys and Los Conquistadors just stare at each other, not quite sure how to respond to the gibberish. We cut to Cole and Coach in Sofa Central who just sit there in silence.

Then after a moment.

COLE
… (whispers) say something

COACH
Well... wasn't that special?

COLE
Good enough for me, I think we need a commercial break or an AngleMania promo or something, anything.

*And fade*

COMING UP NEXT
THE MAINEVENT
SYNTH ABDUL JABBAR VS KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

As we return to ringside we find the area bathed in a white and blue light. Sitting at Sofa Central is OAOAST World Champion, Jason Silver.

COLE
Folks, we are joined at Sofa Central by none other than OAOAST World Champion Jason Silver. As we learned earlier tonight it will be Krista Isadora Duncan taking on you at Anglemania in a submissions count anywhere. Is it safe to say you’re out here on a scouting mission, Jason?

SILVER
Call me Rocksault. And as for scouting, well, I may do a lot more than that if the mood strikes me. I may make her submit a little earlier than Anglemania.

“Khyber Pass” rings out through the Quicken Loans arena. In response the Cleveland crowd offers a heated round jeers and boos. Entrance doors spread apart to allow the spiritual duo of Synth Abdul Jabbar and Abdullah Abir Nerdly to make their way onto the stage. They drop to their knees and together offer heartfelt thanks to the lord above.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of twenty minutes! Now making his way to the ring, accompanied by Abdullah Abir Nerdly, he hails from Sin City, he is SYNTH ABDUAL JABAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COLE
Earlier tonight we saw Synth making a strong case for Biffman to join the Church of Abdullah.

SILVER
Atlas should wise up and take the offer. You don’t make it very far without powerful friends in this industry. Look at me.

COACH
Are you saying if Biffman joined the Church of Abdullah he could be world champion, Rocksault?

SILVER
I’m saying it wouldn’t hurt his career any. As for being world champion, no one is prying this belt from around my waist.

Give me those bright lights, long nights
High rise, over time

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Give me them bright lights, long nights
Party till the sun is rising
High rise, over time
Working till the moon is shining
Hot guys, fly girls
Never thought I'd say
I feel on top of the world
I feel on top of the world Hey

Dancers dressed in Cleveland sports teams’ jerseys litter an entrance stage that’s soaked in multi coloured spotlights. Ignoring the general futility of Cleveland sports teams, the dancers grind their sexy bodies against each other to immense delight of the fans. Even more pleasing to the audience is the sight of number one contender to the OAOAST world title, Krista Isadora Duncan in a Cavaliers jersey dress. The jersey doesn’t last long, ripped away to reveal skimpy purple and gold attire.

BUFFER
Introducing the opponent…. from Los Angles, California, she is a best selling author and star of the world famous FIT with KID line of exercise videos! 2010's most searched superstar on Yahoo, 2010's highest trending OAOAST topic on Twitter, a Hollywood walk of famer, more famous than everyone else put together and multiplied by four! She is a four time OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... ladies and gentlemen, "MISS CALIFORNIA"... KKRRIIIIISSTTAAAA ISADORA... DDUUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!

COLE
I thought Krista and Alix looked fabulous at the Oscars this past Sunday.

SILVER
I think their entire celebrity aura is a load of bunk and only proves how stupid the American people actually are. They’ll worship anyone moron!

COLE
You sound angry.

SILVER
Of course I’m angry! I got submitted by my own hold! And now my career is being put in danger in a submission's count anywhere match.

Krista raises ratings (among other things) by hanging herself upside down on the ring ropes to show off those lovely legs.

DING DING DING

KRISTA
Oh, honey, I’m glad you’re here. As a gay male you’ll appreciate my red carpet stories from the Oscars more than anyone.

SYNTH
I ain’t gay, bitch, and I don’t give no shit about no Oscar stories.

Synth lunges for Krista’s million dollar legs, expecting to be able to take her down. But Miss California sprawls backwards and avoids the takedown. She holds Synth down, but rather than attempt any offense move she tries to share further Oscar stories.

KRISTA
So, Reese Witherspoon and I were right next to each other and we had the same earrings on-

SYNTH
I DON’T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT!

Synth manages to hop to his feet, in hopes of escaping Krista’s Oscar tales. But he as no such luck as her white platform pumps kick him into the corner.

KRISTA
So as I was saying we had the same earrings on, and we both had a good laugh and I asked where she got her’s and she said from Tony’s and she asked where I got mine and I said from Louie Richard’s on Vine, but I had left my AMEX at home so I really had no choice but to trade my eldest daughter into slavery for them. Yes, Jade was a little disappointed but ultimately I think she’ll come to understand my reasons.

SILVER
This is insane!

COLE
This is Krista!

SILVER
I hate Krista! I hate that she made me tap to my hold! That’s my hold! I make people tap out! I don’t tap out!

KRISTA
So as for my dress it was all Donna Karan, and I’m telling you, my friend, the milk factories were in full working order, guys and gals were lining up for their peek at Los Angeles’ twin towers.

SILVER
Hit her! She’s just talking for goodness sakes!

COLE
She’s talking about her breasts and that tends to distract guys. Right, Coach?

COACH
*drools*

KRISTA
Now I had this beautiful Henry Dunay Sabi Diamond ring for an accessory, and it cost fifteen thousand dollars, but you know what it well worth selling the butler’s kidneys for it.

Now that she’s no longer talking about her rack, Synth can take no more of Krista’s Oscar tales, and exits the ring. He’s quickly approached by Abdullah.

ABDULLAH
What is it, my child? What troubles you?

SYNTH
Yo, this bitch be annoying as all get out!

KRISTA
Oh, honey, I wasn’t finished with my stories! Here, I’ll come to you.

Krista prepares to exit the ring to regale Synth with more exciting stories of her night at the Oscar’s. Synth sees an opening and quickly pounces upon it. He grabs onto her ankles and trips her up to the canvas. Together with Abdullah he slams her knees against the ring apron!

SILVER
Yes! You see that’s the way you shut her up. You can’t let her keep running her mouth.

KRISTA
Honey, its funny you should target my legs, because Alix and I had this huge debate who has nicer legs between the two of us. And who should come to settle it but Jake Gyllenhaal! Such a nice boy, but anyone foolish enough to dump Taylor Swift should most likely be hit in the head with a bag of stones. Twice.

SILVER
Damn it! Why won’t she quit talking about the Oscars?! I’m sick of her running her mouth!

COLE
Rocksault, maybe you should try to calm down.

SILVER
I can’t calm down, not after what happened to me, and not after the match that got made for Anglemania.

Synth runs into the ring, in an effort to further attack Krista’s award winning legs. But Miss California greets his approach with a knee to the stomach. Her arms coil around his neck and she prepares to give him a taste of Life in The Fab Lane (twist of fate)! But Synth summons all his strength and successfully shoves her away into the ropes. Upon hitting the cables, her ankle is caught by the always-meddlesome Abdullah Abir Nerdly.

KRISTA
Listen, buddy, just because Aladdin and the Genie foiled your plan to become sultan doesn’t mean you can take it out on me.

ABDULLAH
I am not Jaffar!

Before Krista has a moment to continue her argument with Abdullah, Synth strikes her in the knee with his shoulder. She crumples to the canvas, and moans in anguish. This is enough for Synth to believe her to be defeated and he goes for a pinfall…

ONE!

Kickout!

COLE
Not even a two count on the number one contender for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship.

SILVER
Pinfalls won’t mean a damn thing when we enter the ring at Anglemania, all that will matter is submissions and I’m the master at that.

COACH
You’ve got the 16th minute, champ!

SILVER
That’s all I need to retain this heavyweight title.

Synth dismounts Krista and grabs onto her leg. He raises it into the air and begins battering it with stomps, much to her discomfort. He can’t continue this attack pattern for very long, before Krista uses her free leg to push him away. With Abdul Jabbar momentarily stunned, Miss California is able to rise to her feet. Synth shrugs off any ill effects and charges her. However, she meets him with a pair of elbows. These blows stun Synth and leave him vulnerable to KIDology (codebreaker) Krista readies. However, Abdullah rushes onto the apron to aid his disciple before such a move can be executed. The speaker for the prophets makes a desperate grab for Krista and comes up with a handful of her blond locks.

COLE
Abdullah has the hair!

SILVER
Now, Synth! Now!

Synth springs into quick action, rushing towards Krista with arm raised for a lariat. But Miss California ducks the attack and Synth strikes his spiritual guide in the face. Abdullah is flung from the apron and slams into the barricade, much to the crowd’s immense glee. Abdullah curls up into a hurt ball, screaming his misery into the arena air.

SILVER
Damn it, this is ridiculous!

Synth turns around in effort to attack Krista. However, he’s caught by the dreaded KIDology!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The fans count along as Krista casually leans across Synth’s body….


CROWD
ONE!

CROWD
TWO!

CROWD
THREE!

DING DING DING

The audience leaps to their feet as Top Of The World returns to the arena.

SILVER
For the love of god!

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall…..KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!

The crowd murmurs in anticipation of a fierce fight as Silver rises out his chair.

COLE
Where are you going?

COACH
We’re about to see a fight!

Silver stomps from around the announce table, a fiery expression beholden on his face. Unfortunately that fire does him little good as Krista soars over the ropes and takes him down with a plancha!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Miss California mounts Silver and begins raining down ferocious punches into his skull. Problematically, she hasn’t the strength to keep him grounded and he manages to shove her off him. The two world title contenders leap to their feet, with their eyes burning a brilliant rage. Silver surges forward and tackles Krista onto the announce table. He doesn’t get off more than a few punches before Krista rolls on top of him, causing them both to tumble off the announce table. The camera man weaves behind the announce table to find the two furiously trading punches.

COLE
Folks, champion and challenger have come to blows, and we’re out of time! We’ll see you next week!

FADE OUT