OAOAST Heartland Spectacular

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


We fade in on a nighttime farm setting, littered with numerous cows. Standing beside one of the largest cows is MARV and MEL.

MARV
Hey, Mel.

MEL
What up, twin bro?

MARV
Dare you to tip the cow over.

MEL
Dare taken!

MEL begins shoving the cow, trying his hardest to tip it over. Fortunatley he suceeds. Unfortunatley he succeeds in the wrong direction as the cow falls on him!

MEL
Help!

Having heard the commotion, FARMER JOHN emerges from his house, brandishing a rifle

FARMER JOHN
Prepare to die, ye sons of satan!

MARV
I'm out of here!

MARV takes off running, leaving his brother at Farmer John's mercy.

OAOAST HEARTLAND SPECTACULAR~!

We fade in on the sold out arena where the seats are packed with roaring OAOAST Marks. They foist up their signs and cheer loudly for imminent spectacle of sports entertainment excellence.

COLE
Folks, welcome to Indianapolis for the One and Only Anglesault Thread’s Heartland Sepectacular! I am Michael Cole, sitting with the Da Coach.

COACH
Can’t wait till after the show when they kill those pigs up there and we get our bacon.

COLE
That’s not what’s going to happen, Coach. What is going to happen tonight is a huge War Games contest. Standing backstage to give us more information is Terry Taylor. Terry?

We cut to the lockeroom area where Terry Taylor stands in a white OAOAST polo and black slacks.

TERRY
Got a chance to talk to Zack Malibu earlier today and he’s ready to go. He’s approaching this match like its make or break for his career. He’s going to do his best to see to it that his team wins the contest. As for team Anglesault, they’ve been behind closed doors all day. Momentum hasn’t really been on their side leading up to this event. Look for them to try and change that early on when Detective Tango Boley meets up with Alix Maria Spezia.

COLE
Keys to victory for Team Malibu?

TERRY
They have to reign in their conflicting personalities. Krista doesn’t like Leon, Leon doesn’t like Krista, Zack and Leon can hardly tolerate one another, Leon and Ned don’t get along, and Bruce Blank is a wildcard once again. Somehow they have to find some team chemistry. Luckily they have ten world championships and eight tag team championships between them so they know how to perform in big game situations.

COLE
And what about Team Anglesault?

TERRY
They need to use their size advantage. Bohemoth is a big guy, Pierce is 6’4, there’s a lot of mass and strength on that team that Team Malibu doesn’t have.

COACH
And did Anglesault say anything about us being allowed to eat the pigs after the show?

TERRY
Uh, no he did not.

COLE
Thanks, Terry. Let’s get this show started!



COLE
First up is a return of sorts, not that they have been away from the company as such

COACH
Nah they just never manage to actually get in the ring, any of them. But I am told that tonight that changes, tonight a “Golden Age” for Los Conquistadors will begin.

COLE
I thought they traded the golden masks and outfits in a while ago

COACH
I assumed it was a figure of speech, and well it’s Los Conquistadors so I really did not pay too much attention.

Coach’s bout of indifference is cut off by Fedde Le Grands’ “Creeps”

Make me take the ride
Free drinks on tonight
Take some have a feast
Break me because it keeps coming...

Golden smoke creeps out from the entrance the same way a pervert creeps out of a dark alley in the backstreets of the city, scaring the pigs and probably giving any potential bacon a weird flavor. Moments later beams of purple light pierces the smoke and starts to undulate much to the dismay of those in the crowd with photosensitive epilepsy, but Los Conquistadors are dastardly heels so they really do not care what their entrance does to people!!

Make me take the ride
Free drinks on tonight
Take some have a feast
Break me because it keeps coming...

Divine Brother Dos walks out through the smoke; proudly displaying enough voodoo related necklaces even Mr. T thinks it’s too many. Dos adjusts his stovepipe hat, gets down on one knee and starts chanting as he waves his Papa Shango inspired smoking walking stick in the air.

DIVINE BROTHER DOS
From the darkness comes the greatness!!

Divine Brother Uno appears almost like an apparition, arms outstretched as he joins Dos in the evil chant

BOTH
We make a blood sacrifice to grant us the power!!

After further chanting, possibly in French, possibly in some made up hoodaddy language Los Conquistadors make their way to the ring, almost choking out the first row as Dos’ smoke stick works a little too well.

COACH
Hey Cole, I am just going to take a moment to go to the back, you need anything?

COLE
I could use a sandwich and a soda; we’ll be out here all night so it’s nice with a break from all the excitement.

COACH
I’ll be back before something interesting happens.

COLE
Alright so before the next match?

In the ring both Conquistadors keep on chanting, shaking various supposed magical objects in the air.

MICHAEL BUFFER
Introducing first, now hailing from Port Au Prince, Haiti weighing in at 168 pounds, one half of the self proclaimed Voodoo Warriors, the Magical Booty Daddies, Los Conquistadors…

COLE
Magical Booty Daddies? Are they pimping zombie hookers now or something?

MICHAEL BUFFER
THIS…. IS…. DIVINE BROTHER UNOOOO!!

And the crowd goes mild~! As Brother Dos slides to the floor, mercifully flicking the switch on his smoke stick to the off position.

COLE
Thank god, we were almost fined for smoking in the workplace.

MICHAEL BUFFER
And his opponent, hailing from…. Somewhere, weighing in at *reads the card* Znif?

Buffer looks confused as he reads the card, it’s like gibberish just thrown together. Shaking his head, as he wished he had saved up more money so he did not have to do the OAOAST gig anymore.

MICHAEL BUFFER
“IT” THE ALIEN!

Buffer quickly leaves the ring, settling into his cushy ringside seat where he can distract himself by googling his own name during the match.

COLE
We saw “It” return last week, apparently he was stuck in Japan.

Smoke begins to billow out from the entrance once again; this time it’s more of a puke green than gold smoke.

COLE
Where is he? Don’t tell me he is still in the hallway in Japan

Los Conquistadors both angrily yell at the referee, fearing that their return to OAOAST Television is about to be cut short. When referee Ricky Cheney begins to count Uno breaks up the count, then pulls out a straw figure with a striped shirt on.

UNO
Don’t you dare count him out; I will stab this in your heart

CHENEY
Oh please, I have had three heart attacks already, I could have a fourth one and still referee the next match

Uno stares at the referee for a moment to see if he is bluffing, then he moves the needle from the doll’s heart to it’s groin area

CHENEY
Whoa let’s not do anything crazy now!!

While Ricky Cheney is not entirely convinced the voodoo doll would work he would rather not take any risks with his manhood, instead he nods and holds off on the count.

DOS
I will go find him and drag him in here; no way this guy is ruining our return.

COLE
Hey if you pass Coach tell him to also bring some cookies.

Dos leaves ringside and heads to the back followed by an OAOAST camera man, figuring it is better to follow Dos than just film Uno waiting in the ring. Backstage Dos starts looking around until he spots “It” sitting in a corner. Not sitting like a normal human being, but more like a dog or a dog on all fours.

DOS
Alright you bastard, you wanted this match, now GET OUT THERE!

“It” just stares at the Conquistador as if he is talking in an alien language, then suddenly he begins to scratch behind his ear…. With his leg

DOS
Man you are weird

“It” continues to scratch his ear for a moment, and then he gets out and crawls around on all fours in a circle.

DOS
I think I got just the thing.

Divine Brother Dos opens up a flap in the back of his smoke stick and pushes a button to turn a built in laser pointer on.

DOS
See the dot!! Come on boy, come on

Dos waves the laser pointer in front of “It”’s face, which seems to catch his attention

DOS
Yes that’s it, come on.

Dos walks towards the entrance, making sure that “It” is following him while chasing the red dot.

COLE
I cannot believe that worked, maybe I can do the same to distract Coach when he returns.

After a moment Dos comes through the curtains, followed closely behind by “It” who’s attention is on the red dot as he runs down the aisle on all four, trying to get his hands on the dot. Dos shines the dot up the apron, then up the ring post and into the ring. “It” quickly climbs up the apron, and then he shimmies up the ring post and tumbles into the ring

DING!! DING!! DING!!

COLE
And the match is finally underway, this should be… well different I guess is the polite term.

Once “It” is in the ring Uno leaps on him, landing an elbow drop to the back of “It”’s neck, followed by a series of stomps to the back. The man who insists on being called Fantôme, although everyone seems to forget that, drags “It” to the corner and props him up against the turnbuckles. When Uno rushes in to drop kick “It” in the face

*THUD*

COLE
Whoa, what just happened?

What happened, for those like Michael Cole who were busy checking their text messages, was that “It” reached up and flipped himself out of the way with a move similar to “skinning the cat”, except he ended up sitting on the top rope. With his legs still wrapped around the turnbuckles “It” reaches down and applies what could only generously be described as a headlock.

RICKY CHENEY
Alright let him go…

Instead of counting the referee just kinda looks at them, trying to figure out of if “It” is actually choking his opponent or not. When “It” finally manages to lock his hands behind Uno’s back he finally realizes that he should probably do something

RICKY CHENEY
ONE!!…. TWO!!!… THREE!!

Then he shakes his head, realizing that “It” probably did not even know it was an illegal move. So instead of continuing to count he gets in between the two wrestlers and breaks up the hold. Unfortunately when “It” releases “It”’s hold on Uno he grabs hold of the referee instead, slipping off the turnbuckle as his whole body wraps himself around the waist of the referee.

COLE
What is this guy doing?

The referee tries to shake off “It”, but to no avail, he is stuck on like a limpet. Fortunately (for Uno) the Conquistador was free to drop kick “It”, Unfortunately (for the referee) that meant he was also kicked, kicked so hard that he stumbled into the corner and knocked himself out by slamming against the turnbuckle.

COLE
Seriously? We’re ref bumping tonight?

With the referee down Dos sides into the ring as well, tossing a voodoo doll to Uno as they start their creepy chants.

COLE
Oh come on, has that ever wor… ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!

In the ring “It” slowly rises to “It”’s feet as Los Conquistadors continue their ritual. After completing their ritual “It” just stands there, head hanging at an odd angle as he sways a little.

UNO
Okay let’s see if this works

COLE
ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!

Uno raises one of the doll’s arms in the air, quickly followed by “It” raising the corresponding arm in the air. Then in perfect unison both the doll and “It” has the other arm raised in the air before shuffling forward like a bad extra out of a zombie movie.

DOS
You’ve got it brother! He is ours, all ours!!

COLE
ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!

Under Uno’s control “It” shuffles forward, then staggers around the ring with his arms raised in the air. “It”’s shoulder starts to jerk as his motions become more fluid, more dance like when suddenly…

One of the most famous music intros begins to play over the PA system, seemingly by magic.

It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark

“It” begins on the infamous Zombie dance from Michael Jackson’s thriller, something which both surprises and also delights the crowd.

Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed

Los Conquistadors look at each other, then at the doll in their hand, obviously excited about the power they are wielding. When they see how convincing “It”’s Zombie Dance is they stand next to him and…. Break out into the Zombie dance as well, getting down with their really bad selves in the ring.

'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

Moments later they are joined in the ring by Michael Cole, who like “It” seems to actually be zombie-fied and not just into the dance like Los Conquistadors

You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!
But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind
You're out of time

The crowd is loving the dance scene, momentarily forgetting that the act is actually taking advantage of the weak minded “It” and Cole.

'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl
Thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

During one spin “It” inadvertently kicks the voodoo doll out of Uno’s hand and into the crowd

*SCREECH* (the sound of a needle ripping across a record in case you are only familiar with CDs and iPods)

Cole quickly scurries out of the ring and back to Sofa Central looking a little sheepish, while Dos leaves the ring desperately trying to find the voodoo doll again. Meanwhile Uno realizes that “It” is actually growling at him, loud, feral, snarling growls. Moments later the crowd explodes in cheers

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

As “It” pounces on Uno and quickly subdues the Voodoo master by wrapping his legs around Uno’s head and left leg, while clamping his arms around Uno’s waist, in a submission hold that could only be described as unique. At first Uno struggles against the hold, arms flailing as he tries to break free of the vice like grip of his alien opponent. Then slowly he begins to fade, slowing down as he drops to one knee.

COLE
“It” displaying his… erm Alien Anaconda!

The referee raises Uno’s hand in the air, allowing it to drop limply to the ground.

ONE!!

Meanwhile Dos is frantically searching for the doll, pushing a few fans out of the way, and throwing chairs around like a mad man. In the ring the referee raises Uno’s hand a second time and..

TWO!!

The hand drops limply once more. Finally Dos finds the doll, leaps over the guardrail and begins to chant once more

COLE
Oh give it u… ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!

Without warning “It” releases “It”’s hold on Uno and just flops to the ground like a fish. Dos taps the side of his head, bragging about how smart he is as he begins to manipulate the voodoo doll. In the ring “It” leaps to his feet, then runs face first into the nearest turnbuckle.

BOOOOOOOOOO!!

COLE
ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!

“It” grabs himself by the back of the head, unable to stop as he repeatedly slams his face into the top turnbuckle. In the background Uno nods in approval as Dos makes “It” beat “Itself” up. “It” raises both hands, seemingly struggling, as the hands get closer before locking up for a test of strength.

COLE
ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!

“It” struggles, with both the left and the right hand gaining the upper hand momentarily until the left hand breaks the grip, forms and fist and then punches “It” square in the jaw. Then in a flash “It”’s arm wraps around “It”’s own neck and begins to apply a headlock, putting the squeeze on. Next he throws himself across the canvas in an armdrag and begins to slam “It”’s own right knee against the canvas, softening “It” up for some kind of leg lock. A self-inflicted hammerlock almost makes “It” submit, but “It” fights “Itself” off, working through the pain.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

The referee looks on in confusion, not sure how to call a match with one guy fighting himself. “It” struggles but breaks out of the hammerlock, only to wrap one of “It”’s own leg over “It”’s back into a very painful looking crab like hold. After having had his fun with “It” Dos slams the doll to the ground, causing “It” to fall down on his back and lay totally motionless.

COLE
ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!!

Uno arrogantly places a boot on “It”’s chest and raises his hands in the air as the referee counts.

ONE!!




TWO!!!




THREE!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DING!! DING!! DING!!

COLE
(Comes to his senses) Uno wins?

MICHAEL BUFFER
The winner of the match, yes I am as surprised as you are DIVINE BROTHER UUUUUUUUUUUUUUNOO!!

Coach returns to Sofa Central with an armful of goodies as Creeps begins to play again

COACH
Did I miss anything interesting Cole?

COLE
Not really, the match was kind of boring, I don’t even remember most of it.

In the ring Los Conquistadors celebrate like they won the OAOAST World title, Tag title and Women’s title all in one night. It’s not until they leave the ring that they remember to let “It” get up from the canvas. After a quick conference the two decide to have “It” follow them out of the ring, shuffling like a Zombie down the aisle behind them, totally under Los Conquistadors’ control

COACH
They won? Meh who cares!

COLE
ALL HAIL LOS CONQUISTADORS!!

*And fade*


TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
TEAM MALIBU VS TEAM ANGLESAULT
WAR GAMES
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Ladies and gentlemen, standing by right now with one of the finalists in the 2011 Anderson Cup is our broadcast colleague Terry Taylor.

We cut backstage to the ENTERPRISE dressing room where Terry is surrounded by the whole gang.

TERRY
Theodore Moneymaker, later on you and Christian Wright will face D*LUX in the Anderson Cup Finals, one of two matches featuring the Enterprise tonight. The other is for the One & Only World tag team championship, as the LDC Moneygang challenge Biffman and Tim Cash, a match that came about just one week ago and one that reportedly has caused unrest within your organization. After all, if you’re both victorious that sets up an all Enterprise tag title match at AngleMania Ten.

MONEYMAKER
Unrest? Where are we, the Middle East? No, we’re live from Indy and the Enterprise is alive and kicking ass tonight. You know why? *wraps arm tight around Spencer’s neck* Because we’re more united than ever before thanks to people like you, Terry Taylor, wishing for our downfall. *pinches Spencer’s cheek* Isn’t that right, you little devil?

Before Spencer can answer Teddy cuts him off.

MONEYMAKER
Of course it is. I for one look forward to a spirited match against the Irish hell raiser CMJ and lover boy Spencer at AngleMania Ten. BUT, in the event you fail to bring home the gold I just want you to know CW and yours truly will be there to pickup the pieces. Don’t worry though. After we get done taking care of business it’s off to Vegas for the celebration. I even made special reservations for you Spencer.

SPENCER


MONEYMAKER
Reservation for two. That’s right, buddy, friend, pal. I’ve arranged a romantic evening for you and Chunky Brewster.

Spencer burns a hole through Teddy.

MONEYMAKER
Oops, I’m sorry. You gotta bare with me. Being nice doesn’t come easy. As I was saying, while the rest of the Enterprise is partying in Vegas, baby, I’ve arranged for you and Jade to have a romantic candlelight dinner at McDonalds.

SPENCER
McDonalds?!

Teddy leans forward to place a CONDOM in Spencer’s shorts.

MONEYMAKER
In case the angus burger isn't the only thing you're pounding down. *wink wink* No need to thank me. Just win, baby!

Spencer walks off in disgust.

COLE
How dare Theodore Moneymaker speak of Jade in that matter. Good for Spencer to walk away.

COACH
Walk away? Homeboy’s gotta get ready to compete.

[Chanel #99]

VS



“Parade of Charioteers” summons Sophie and Queen Esther from the backstage area. With Sophie in rhinestone encrusted tracksuit and Queen Esther in an odd renaissance camisole and fluffy red pants the only one who doesn’t look out of place in the barnyard setting is Sophie’s miniature horse. Regardless, Sophie guides the horsey down the ramp as Queen Esther trails behind, waving to her less than loyal subjects.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of twenty five minutes! Now making their way to the ring, representing Cucaracha Kingdom, they are QUEEN ESTHER AND SOOOOOPPPHHHHIIEEEEEEEE!

Queen Esther bows to the unadoring fans in attendance as Sophie busies herself with instructing Buffer on how to watch over her horse.

COLE
I believe that horse’s name is Pumpkin. The only agreeable member of the Cucaracha Kingdom if you ask me.

COACH
Well, I didn’t ask you, ol ho ass busta.

::CUE:: Lady Gaga-Money Honey

M

O

N

E

Y

So sexy

Damn, I love the jam, the jet and the mansion. (Oh yeah)
And I enjoy the gifts and the trips to the islands.(Oh yeah)
Its good to live expensive
You know it, but my knees get weak intensive
When you give me k-kisses

Thats money honey,
Well I'm your lover and your mistress
Thats money honey
When you touch me, its so delicious
Thats money honey
Baby when you tell me the pieces
Thats money honey

The boo birds are out in full, vulgar force. Even Lorelei’s spinning around to showcase that ultra fine body of hers can do little to stifle their noise. For this Lorelei turns her nose up at them and walks down a green and gold lit entry way.

BUFFER
And their partner, she hails from Manhattan Beach, California, she is the OAOAST Women’s Champion….THE MONEY HONEY LORELEI DECENNNNNNZZZZZOOOOOOOO!

COLE
There’s not one thing to like about this thief Lorelei DeCenzo.

COACH
I can think of 32 things. 32dd’s as a matter of fact.

Lorelei bows to the Queen, and then kisses Sophie’s cheek as is the custom in Sophie’s homeland.

“Slide Away” plays to a warm reception from the capacity crowd. The barn doors spread apart, allowing the deadly serious Megan Skye to trek to the ring.

BUFFER
And introducing the opponents, first from Providence, Rhode Island, she is the OAOAST’s Foreign Liaison, MEGAAAAANNNN SKKKKKKYYYYYEEEEEE!

Upon hitting the ring, Megan’s fearsome and harsh stare scares back all three of her opponents.

COLE
As Foreign Liaison, Megan Skye has been setting up some big matches overseas as Alexander The Brutal, and The Last Kings of Scotland have been defending their titles all across Europe.

COACH
That’s just another way of saying that they’re dodging real competition in the OAOAST.  Put them against one of those MILLF guys, they’d get circles wrestled around them.


You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back


"Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don’t care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They screamin' your name”


My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

A pair of giant sparkling neon lit signs  that reads JADE and MAYA lower from the ceiling into the barnyard. Bursting out from the backstage area and through their respective signs are the Duncan sisters! Jade pumps up the crowd with her pom-poms while Maya wows them with an amazing baton twirling routine. They then high five at the center of the stage, before hand slapping their way down the ramp.

BUFFER
And her partners! From Los Angeles, California, they are the Queen of The Ring MAYA DUNCAN-BLANCHARD, Little Miss California JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN, CEEEEE-OOOHHHHH-TWWWOOOOOOOOOOO!

COLE
Jade has to have revenge on her mind after the despicable way in which Lorelei stole her women’s title.

“Medal “ cues to a surprised reaction from the sold out audience. Once the initial shock dies down, hatred welcomes company founder Anglesault out to ringside.

COLE
What does he want?

COACH
Probably some of that fine Duncan tail like the rest of us.

ANGLESAULT
So sorry to interrupt, I’ll make this short for everybody. Inside that ring, is a disgusting, rotten human being, and her name is Maya Duncan-Blanchard!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ANGLESAULT
Maya is the daughter of a chronic underachiever father and a mother who is nothing more than a damn whore! Maya’s family is a family of sickening creatures who I absolutely despise! And I will give anyone in this match a thousand dollars if they can pin her shoulders to the mat 1-2-3!

Maya is given a microphone to respond to these attacks.

ANGLESAULT
Who gave her a mic? Cut her mic!

MAYA
Hey! Hey, Anglesuck!

ANGLESAULT
AngleSUCK!!!!

MAYA
You done heard me, son! Why don’t you come into this ring and say that to my face, so that way I can bop you in the nose, knee you in the groin, and shove you into Lorelei’s disease ridden cooch!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

ANGLESAULT
Just like your mother! Big mouthed and rude! I’m not going to get in that ring and waste my time on you. My offer stands at a thousand dollars! Make me proud, ladies!

Maya turns to a gigantic muscle bound man with a thin goatee in the front row.

MAYA
Hey, big guy in the front row! I’ve got one thousand dollars if you make this man shut up right this very instance.

MAN
One thousand dollars? That’s nothing!

MAYA
Make it five hundred dollars.

MAN
Okay, deal!

The man climbs over the guardrail, as Maya smiles at AS’ impending doom. The hulking beast strides up to AS, who quickly begins backing away.

ANGLESAULT
Wait a second! What? What are you doing? Get away from me! Get him away from me!

Security interjects, separating AS from the man who had such ill intent. AS makes a hurried retreat up the ramp, cursing the day he ever spoke Maya’s name.

COLE
The founder of all people should know not to mess with a Duncan. He thinks because he hangs out with twits like Pierce that they’re all like that.

The match gets underway when Sophie and Lorelei jump their foes! While Queen Esther fans herself from exhaustion(?!!), Sophie manages to chuck Megan Skye through the ring ropes.  Maya is punted in the face by Lorelei and quickly disposed of beneath the ropes.

COLE
Lorelei and Sophie have taken advantage of the situation presented by Anglesault.

Sophie hammers Jade in the face with a pair of hard elbows. The former women’s champion falls into the ropes, allowing Sophie to batter her with stomps. After this Sophie applies a tag to Queen Esther!

COACH
Here comes Ali in his prime!

Queen Esther enters the ring as daintily as possible. She sizes Jade up, measures her with an actual tape measure and then whiffs on an elbow drop! The poor Queen screams as though she’s just been shot with a cannon ball. This causes Sophie great panic, and she skirts the rules of the match to enter the ring to shield Queen Esther from further harm.

COACH
That’s right, keep the good Queen out of harms way. The object of the match is to protect the Queen at all cost.

COLE
I thought the object was to win?

Sophie drops a series of elbows onto Jade’s stomach. Little Miss California hollers in pain, but still has the strength to fight to her feet. Now upright she’s met with more elbows from the French Girl. These blows daze Jade, and for that reason Sophie is able to make an easy tag to Lorelei.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COLE
And so enters the OAOAST’s biggest thief, Lorelei DeCenzo.

COACH
Its like Colin said, Jade should’ve kept her eye on Lorelei. If she did she’d still be the Women’s Champion.

Lorelei scoops Jade up and slams her onto the canvas.

LORELEI


COACH
Life is a beautiful thing.

Done with her grinding and showboating, Lorelei lifts Jade up into a front facelock. She hooks onto her cheerleader skirt, and then raises her into the air for a vertical suplex effort. But, Jade uses her agility to slip out the hold! Lorelei spins around and gets caught with a vicious forearm. Another one lands and wobbles Lorelei, leading Jade to nail her with an E!ziguri!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The crowd is given further reason to celebrate as Maya is tagged into the contest by her sister.

JADE
Jade-Maya double team!

MAYA
Why do you get first billing?

JADE
I’m older.

MAYA
And fatter. And slower. And stupider. Okay, I see why.

JADE
You’re on your own.

Wondering why exactly her sister is so upset, Maya turns her attention back to Lorelei. She grabs onto Lorelei’s bare legs and slings her into the corner. Lorelei crashes into the ring posts, and sags against them. This gives Maya the chance to charge forward and shoulder tackle Lorelei in the lower back! The Manhattan Beach native stumbles back, finding herself caught by a neckbreaker. From there Maya hooks the legs for the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Queen Esther breaks up the pinfall! Delighted with herself, Queen Esther celebrates and sings a rather grating victory song. Thankfully, she’s silenced by a punch from Maya!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!“ the fans react with glee while the Queen reacts with abject horror. Tears readily pour down her cheeks, as she fearfully backs away from Maya. Thankfully Sophie comes to her rescue, charging in with a lariat! But Maya upends her with a back body drop! The second Sophie hits the canvas, she rolls out the ring as she wants nothing to do with Maya. The Angelic Hellraiser next turns her focus back to Lorelei, who’s come to her feet. Maya runs in and strikes her down with a face crusher. The Teen Dream then curtsies to the Queen, causing her great offense!

“MAYA! MAYA! MAYA!”

MAYA
Booty time!

The crowd cheers the coming of jailbait booty shaking, but Krista appears on screen with a stern expression.

KRISTA
Maya, if you so dare as consider shaking your teenage ass on television I swear to god I will cancel every credit card in your pocket book and feed your car keys to Alix’s pet komodo dragon. Are we clear, missy?

Maya puts on the face and nods. Banned from the booty shaking, Maya can only complete the second part of the move, moonsaulting towards Lorelei. But The Money Honey gets her knees up and Maya crashes into her raised legs

MAYA
(painfully)
Thanks, mom.

Lorelei shoves Maya over onto her back for a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


Maya makes the kickout. She comes to her feet under her own power, but is thrown under fire by right jabs from the Women’s Champion. Lorelei latches onto her wrist and shoots her into the ropes. She ducks her head, which lets Maya simply leapfrog her on the return. This gives Maya the chance she needs to tag in Megan Skye!

COLE
The woman with the plan, and the more serious of her team. What she lacks in Duncan showmanship, she makes up for in ability to kick BUTT.

The Rhode Island native hops into the ring, and points at Sophie and Queen Esther, informing them that they’re time is soon to come. For now she settles on grabbing Lorelei and chucking her into corner. Skye follows in with a running bodysplash that causes Lorelei to stumble out the corner. With The Money Honey dazed, Skye climbs onto the top rope.  Wasting little time, she comes flying off with a cross body block! But Lorelei hits the deck, and Skye crashes into the canvas!

COLE
And Megan Skye missing with the Skye Dive!

Seeing Megan Skye groaning in agony puts the fighting spirit back inside Queen Esther. As such the English lass demands the tag be made. Lorelei is reluctant, but Sophie’s urging she brings Queen Esther into the ring. Unfortunatley by the time Queen Esther is done with her slow, graceful entrance into the ring, Megan is back on her feet!

QUEEN ESTHER
RETREAT!

Queen Esther hastily backtracks to her corner and applies the tag with Sophie.

COLE
When it comes to in ring performances I hate to say it but I think Queen Esther is an embarrassment to this sport!

COACH
You are calling someone an embarrassment to wrestling?

Sophie rumbles forward with a lariat, only to be brought down to the canvas with a drop toe hold. Megan grabs a side headlock in an effort to slow this fast paced contest down. Sophie squirms inside the hold, trying to slip free. Eventually she’s able to come to her feet. There she shoves Megan into the ropes. A blind tag is made by Jade Rodez-Duncan. Sophie is knocked over by a shoulder tackle from Megan, and is surprised to be hit by a slingshot leg drop from Little Miss California. A pinfall is then made…

ONE!


TWO!


Sophie pushes her way out the pin. Jade brings her up by the back of her white tank top and slams a pair of knees into her stomach. This doubles Sophie up, and Jade uses this as a moment to head to the ropes. When she returns she punts Sophie in her chest with a hard kick! Sophie rockets upwards, clutching her chest. Her pain is increased when Jade drops her with a spinning and diving lariat!

COLE
Jade is hitting hard tonight, but I bet she wishes that was Lorelei in Sophie’s position.

Jade bounces off the ropes, returning to crush Sophie with a body splash!

MAYA
Yeah! Use that girth!

JADE
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Jade decides to ignore her sister’s catty comments for the moment, and hooks Sophie’s left leg for the fall…

ONE!



TWO!


Queen Esther returns to the ring to break up the pinfall by poking Jade in the head. Jade merely looks up confused and stunned as Queen Esther gives herself a warm round of applause.

COACH
Great timing by her royal highness. She saw her teammate in trouble and acted quick to save her. Beauty, class, intelligence, and ring awareness.

COLE
Intelligence?!

Jade picks Sophie up and hooks her into a front facelock. Her idea is to hit a DDT, but no such move can be done as Jade is shoved into the ropes. A blind tag is made by Maya. Sophie again falls victim to this, being knocked off balance by a shoulder tackle from Jade, and then being dropped to the canvas by a springboard dropkick by Maya! As the fans cheer her move, Maya makes the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Sophie kicksout the lateral press. Hurriedly, she comes to her feet and tags Maya with a pair of left hands. She tries to run to the ropes, but Maya grabs onto the seat of her pants and holds her in place. Sophie frantically tries to scurry free of Maya’s grasp, but the Angelic Hellraiser will let her do no such thing. Instead she hooks onto Sophie’s waist and begins lifting her into the air for a back suplex. However, mid way through the move, Sophie counters the hold with a beautiful bulldog! Queen Esther approves and breaks out into song over the impressive counter!

COACH
And she’s got a singing voice that rivals Aretha Franklin! If she wanted to she could be the next Lady Gaga.

COLE
She sure is gaga.

Sophie heads to her corner and applies the tag with Lorelei. The Money Honey enters the ring with a smile on her face, happy to see Maya in a downed position. But as she nears The Teen Dream, she’s slugged in the stomach by a pair of elbows. Lorelei takes these blows in stride and nails Maya in the face with a knee. Maya falls back to the canvas, face contorted by the pain from the blow.

COACH
Its not like Lorelei needs the thousand dollars Anglesault’s offering, but I bet it would feel nice to pin another Duncan girl.

The Women’s Champion covers Maya for the fall…

ONE!


TWO!


Maya makes the kickout! Lorelei lifts her up by her sandy blond hair and begins rifling elbows into her skull. Staggering backwards, Maya falls into the ropes near Queen Esther. Lorelei takes advantage of this position and lariats Maya over the top rope! Maya lands on the ring apron, holding her sore body as she groans her misery. Queen Esther sniffs blood in the water. As such she proceeds to give Maya the weakest stomps imaginable.

COACH
Good job, your royal highness! Take the fight to her!

Lorelei feels bad for Queen Esther performing such a horrible display of wrestling, and quickly drags Maya back into the ring. She pats her lovely tush, then drops it onto Maya’s chest. The referee counts the resulting pinfall….

ONE!


TWO!

Maya gets her shoulder off the canvas.

COLE
Lorelei dropping that voluptuous body onto Maya and almost getting a pin out of it.

The tag is made to Sophie, who enters the ring to stomp down Maya in the corner. Maya falls to the canvas, moaning her agony. She’s dragged to the center of the ring, and pinned to the canvas…

ONE!


TWO!


Maya makes another important kickout! She’s stomped at by Sophie, keeping her grounded and wounded. Sophie backs into a neutral corner, and elevates herself to the second rope. She’s rooted on by Queen Esther, who expects a highly impressive attack. But all she gets is horror and failure as Sophie misses with a leg drop!

COLE
Maya rolled out the way!

Recovered and rejuvenated, Maya manages to make an easy trek to her corner to tag in Megan!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
And Megan looking forward to getting her hand on any Kingdom member!

Sophie painfully gets to her feet, looking for a tag. Unfortunately, Megan accosts her before she can do any such thing! Megan blasts Sophie with punch after punch, leaving the French girl dazed. This allows the Rhode Island native to knock her for a loop with a Chick Kick! Sophie falls out, eyes and face blank from the lethal signature strike.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Lorelei quickly returns to the ring to strike down Megan with a lariat! She stomps on Megan with her pink platform boots, viciously driving her boots into her skull. Once she’s assured enough damage has been done, The Money Honey picks Megan up and sets her up for an Urange. But as she goes to lift Megan, the former SWF star elbows her way free of Lorelei’s clutches.

COLE
Lorelei was looking for that Urange into a Gutbuster she’s famous for, but Megan fought free.

Megan goes for another Chick Kick, but Lorelei ducks the attack. She’s kept on the defensive, however, as Megan begins peppering her with jabs.

COLE
Look at Megan going to town!

COACH
Someone do something!

COLE
Who’s someone? There’s only the useless Queen left.

Having put Lorelei in a wounded trance, Megan winds up for a big lariat! But when she throws her move, Lorelei catches hold of her arm and then takes a grasp of her neck. Megan is then crashed into the canvas with an arm trap neckbreaker.

COLE
E-Commercide!

But Lorelei hasn’t a moment to celebrate her performance as Maya comes off the top to nail her with a diving lariat! Maya kips up and flexes her impressive for a teenage girl muscles.

“MAYA! MAYA! MAYA!”

MAYA
MAYA-Jade double team! Come on, chubs, get in the ring!

JADE
If I play along will you stop calling me “Chubs”?

MAYA
Probably not.

Jade resigns herself to her embarrassing fate and enters the ring to help Maya. The girls pick Lorelei up and shoot her into the ropes. After she bounces back, Lorelei is caught by a pair of elbows from the Duncan kids. But the real show begins when the girls bust out a dance routine…

MAYA N’ JADE


COLE
Go on, girlfriends! Mmmm-hmmm, ya’ll white girls got dem moves!

Jade and Maya finish their dance routine with a spin, and MOTHEFUCKING JAZZ HANDS~! Lorelei doesn’t escape unscathed however, as the sisters drop a pair of elbows onto her!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The crowd’s good mood is tempered by Sophie coming in clubbing Jade in the back.  She angrily throws the eldest Duncan child over the ropes, and proceeds to yell at her En Francais. This is an unwise course of action, however, as a peeved Maya comes behind and clotheslines her over the ropes! Somehow Sophie manages to land on her feet, a fact that she begins boasting about. But, once again her mouth gets her into trouble with Maya, who flies over the ropes to take her down with a plancha!

COLE
Air Maya!

COACH
That’s 1,000,000th time you used that phrase and only once in those 999,999 times before it did you actually sound clever.

Megan Skye gets to her feet and notices that Jade and Maya are preoccupied with beating on Sophie, and that Lorelei is arguing with the referee over the double team. She realizes that this leaves her and Queen Esther to do battle. By the time the Queen becomes aware of this chilling fact, she’s being thrown into the ring by her royal red hair!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the fans cheer as Megan begins stalking the Queen across the ring.

COACH
The Queen! Someone get out here and help her!

Megan, who has a hold of Esther’s naturally curly hair, brings the panicked Queen to her feet.

QUEEN ESTHER
Unhand me, street urchin!

When Megan doesn’t follow orders the Queen panics and begins CRYING! This brings a small inkling of sympathy from Megan, and she hesitates on harming the Queen. Its at that moment of hesitation that Esther hits Megan with the weakest slap imaginable!

MEGAN


QUEEN ESTHER


Megan roughly forces the confused Queen Esther into a front facelock.

COLE
Esther is in trouble here!

She signals for the Skye Lyte, her version of the tornado DDT, and receives a roar from the audience. However as she begins twirling around, Queen Esther somehow and someway manages to shove her off. This annoys Megan and she charges forward…only to be hit in the face with magic pixie dust!

COLE
Oh no!

Megan stumbles about the ring, before being dragged into the sloppiest roll up you’ll ever see by Queen Esther. Lorelei spots this, and immediately points it out to the referee. Despite Queen Esther not being the legal woman, he makes the count…

ONE!


TWO!


THREE!

DING DING DING

COLE
I don’t believe it!

COACH
Well, you better try to, son. Because Queen Esther just pinned that awful peasant Megan Skye.

BUFFER
Your winners as a result of a pinfall….SOPHIE, LORELEI DECENZO, and QUEEN ESTHER!

The audience hisses and boos, sharing Michael Cole’s disbelief. Queen Esther quickly sinks to her knees, as she’s exhausted from the simple task of throwing pixie dust in Megan’s face. Sophie quickly returns to the ring to fan her queen and make certain that she doesn’t pass out.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S...

ANGLEMANIA TEN

SUNDAY NIGHT, APRIL 3rd

ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

When we return from commercials we see Felix Stutter open the barn door and enter the arena where a lot of wrestlers are already waiting. In the arena we see the Masked Mutants, the Love Doctors, Mariachi, Tony Turrets and Quiz as well as special guest referee Mike Rowe

COLE
Welcome back, we are only moments away from the Barnyard Invitational

Motley Crue's "Wildside"
 starts up which can only signal the entrance of one woman


COACH
Here comes a dirty, dirty girl!!

COLE
Don't let her catch you saying that.

MICHAEL BUFFER
Introducing the next competitor, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada here is MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALAYSIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Malaysia Nerdly does not look totally happy with the situation as she enters the arena, but apparently the Barnyard Invitational had a "One Nerdly Minimum" and she drew the shortest straw.

MALAYSIA
Okay who the hell came up with this idea?

Mike Rowe looks genuinely worried as Malaysia looks straight at him

MALAYSIA
Did you come up with this? Is this a joke??

ROWE
Whoa, calm down lady I am just here to referee the match; I did not expect the Spanish Inquisition

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNN!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!

COLE
Oh for the love of everything that is holy, this cannot be happening

COACH
Damn I thought Homeland Security took care of these guys, did they not get my tip?

The crowd boos vigorously as Cardinal Ximenez, Cardinal Biggles and Cardinal Fang enter the arena with great fanfare.

CARDINAL X
Sinners and Sinees, the Spanish Inquisition Team is here for one reason and one reason only, to punish the wicked and hurt anyone tha... our TWO reasons for being here are

COLE
Oh please spare us!

During Cardinal X's spiel the creepy Cardinal Fang gets a little too friendly with Malaysia Nerdly as he slaps her on the ass

POW!!

A vicious right hand from Malaysia knocks the creepy Cardinal on his ass. The punch seems to be the signal for everyone else to start fighting even though not all participants have entered the arena just yet. Malaysia decides to further punish Cardinal Fang as she drags him over to one of the big sows who is just laying in the mud, sleeping happily and dreaming of roaming free on a field somewhere

COACH
I don't like where this is headed

Malaysia grabs Fang by the hair and then

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!

SHOVES HIS FACE INTO THE SOWS ASS!!

COLE
I bet that's the last time ANYONE tries to grab Malaysia's ass

The sensation of having a creepy 17th century Cardinal lodged between its cheeks wakes up the sow and it kicks back, nailing Cardinal Fang in the forehead with both feet

MIKE ROWE

You're outta here!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Cardinal Fang has been eliminated

0===========================================0
Elimination: 1
Eliminated: Cardinal Fang
Eliminated by: kicked by an angry sow
Left in the match: the Masked Mutants, the Love Doctors, Mariachi, Tony Turrets, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, Cardinal Biggles and Cardinal Fang
0===========================================0

SPEAK TO ME SUUUUUUUUUUUPERMAAAAAAANIACS!!

COLE
Whoa!

"Black Sweat" begins to play as Mr. Warrior comes bursting onto the scene, rushing past everyone to head to the ring. The Manic Mr. Warrior enters the ring and begins to shake the ropes, not realizing that this match is not fought inside the ring.

COACH
What a moron, doesn't even know the rules.

COLE
To be fair, it is the first match of it's kind.

Mr. Warrior finally notices that everyone else is on the floor fighting. With the *A-Hem* "adrenaline" rushing through his veins Mr. Warrior leaps out of the ring and runs towards his competitors only to be

BLAM!!!

COLE
THE COW!! THE COW TOOK DOWN MR. WARRIOR!!

COACH
I think that was a bit of payback for the Halloween Battle Royal!!

Yes indeed the Cow had been hiding amongst the other cows, biding its time. After knocking Mr. Warrior into the guardrail the back legs of the cow kicks Mr. Warrior square in the chest - Super Kicks him.

Let me repeat that

THE COW SUPER KICKED MR. WARRIOR!!

MIKE ROWE
You're outta here!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Mr. Warrior has been eliminated!!

0===========================================0
Elimination: 2
Eliminated: Mr. Warrior
Eliminated by: Kicked by The Cow
Left in the match: Slime, Snot, Dr. Pigly, Dr. Anderson, Mariachi, Tony Turrets, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, Cardinal Biggles, Cardinal X, the Cow
0===========================================0

COACH
Hold on that's not what the rules state!

COLE
If a Barnyard Animal kicks you, you're eliminated.

COACH
Yeah but...

COLE
The Cow kicked him

COACH
Yeah but...

COLE
And a Cow is a barnyard animal, goodbye Mr. Warrior, nice to see you.

Mr. Warrior ignores the fact that he was just eliminated and begins to chase the Cow around the barnyard set. The Cow runs in fear, remembering how Mr. Warrior tore them apart last time they met. The Cow jumps over the pen wall and hides amongst the real cows

COACH
Which one is the Cow?

COLE
The perfect camouflage, Coach this is genius.

COACH
Genius? You would have to be a real moron if you cannot tell the difference between two guys in a cow suit and an actual cow

Proving Coach's words to be true Mr. Warrior grabs one of the actual cows by the horn.

MR. WARRIOR
YOU WILL REGRET THIS!! SHOW YOURSELF!!

And with a mighty punch Mr. Warrior punches the cow in the side

*THUD*

The cow reacts like you would expect, by side swiping Mr. Warrior, sending him crashing into and THROUGH the wall of the pen.

*CRASH*

COLE
Cows on the loose!!

COACH
Do we really need to find a cowboy to wrangle them?

"I walk the lonely road
The only road that I have ever know.
Don't know where it goes
But it's only me and I walk aloe"

COACH
You're kidding?

COLE
It is called an "invitational"

COACH
Bruce probably saw the pig and got turned on

COLE
Oh stop it!

The barn door is opened, but instead of the Redneck Superman we see a much smaller man come through the door. Riding on a sheep, dressed in jeans, wife beater, a sleeveless flannel shirt and with a cowboy hat and a mullet attached to his green mask is El Camaleón's diminutive sidekick Bribón

COLE
Looks like Brucito Blank!

COACH
What are you talking about??

The quarter-sized Bruce Blank impersonator pulls out a rope and lassos Tony Turrets from behind

TONY
*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*

COACH
That's harsh even for Tony.

TONY
*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*

COLE
That's a bit much too, yes even for Tony.

With Tony Turrets tied up Brucito Blank leaps off his sheep and kicks Turrets in the stomach. In the background Slime is teetering on the edge of the pen as both Love Doctors is trying to get the Masked Mutant eliminated from the match.

COACH
Hold on, why are the Love Doctors wearing scrubs, gloves and masks?

COLE
It's not exactly a sanitary environment you know.

The Love Doctors manage to push Slime over the top of the pen, but he doesn't drop into the mud as he keeps clinging to the wall. The shot quickly cuts to one of the other pens, this one full of pigs, where Malaysia is busy ramming Cardinal X's face into the wooden wall

ONE!!

CARDINAL X
Now stop that!

TWO!!

CARDINAL X
That's blasphemy

THREE!!

CARDINAL X
*Gargle*

FOUR!!

FIVE!!

SIX!!

SEVEN!!

EIGHT!!

CARDINAL X
(whimpers) Holy mother of mercy

NINE!!

TEN!!

After ramming his head against the wall 10 times Malaysia effortlessly lifts up Cardinal X and presses him over his head

CARDINAL X
Harlot it is a sin to put a man of the cloth in the mud!

THROW HIM IN!! THROW HIM IN!! THROW HIM IN!!

*SPLAT~!*

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

MIKE ROWE
You're outta here!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Cardinal Ximenez has been eliminated

0===========================================0
Elimination: 3
Eliminated: Cardinal X
Eliminated by: Kicked by The Cow
Left in the match: Slime, Snot, Dr. Pigly, Dr. Anderson, Mariachi, Tony Turrets, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, Cardinal Biggles, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

Malaysia just casually brushes off her hands as Cardinal X wallows in the mud.

CARDINAL X
(Semi-consciously) Have you heard about Jesus? I think I have a pamphlet on me somewhere

In his dazed state Cardinal X starts to talk to one of the pigs about religion. Meanwhile Tony Turrets has Brucito Blank by the back of the mullet wig and jeans tossing him up and...

BRUCITO BLANK BLOCKS IT!!

The diminutive Brucito lands on the top of the pen wall instead of going over it. After steadying himself he runs down the entire length of the pen wall, then he leaps off the corner, catching Tony Turrets with a twisting head scissors takedown that sends the cantankerous coot flying straight into the... well let's be generous and call it mud

TONY TOURETTES
Aw man *BEEP* this *BEEP'ing* *BEEP* with a *BEEP* and a *BEEP* into the *BEEP*!

COLE
As usual Tony is making the censors work overtime tonight.

If Tony was pissed off by having his face dropped in the sheep-dip he's even more upset when Mariachi suddenly leaps at him and starts to pound away on him.

MARIACHI
Yoo stay away from him!! He is mine.

After pounding Tony into the mud Mariachi briefly pauses to blow a kiss to one of the nearby sheep.

COACH
Oh that's sick

COLE
Love comes in all forms Coach

COACH
Oh go to your NAMBLA meetings and spare me!

The jealous Mariachi drags Tony to his feet by his sparse hair, making sure he is nowhere near Mariachi's favorite sheep, and then tosses him over the pen wall, straight into the pigs feeding trough.

COLE
Quick mute the microphones!

MIKE ROWE
You're outta here!!

0===========================================0
Elimination: 4
Eliminated: Tony Turrets
Eliminated by: Thrown in the mud by Mariachi
Left in the match: Slime, Snot, Dr. Pigly, Dr. Anderson, Mariachi, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, Cardinal Biggles, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEEEEEEEP*

COACH
Too late

MICHAEL BUFFER
Tony Turrets has thankfully been eliminated

We cut to the other side of the barnyard set where Quiz, Felix Stutter and Malaysia has Cardinal Biggles pinned against the barn door, while motioning for someone

COLE
I think they want the Cow

COACH
No one wants the Cow, come on get serious Cole

But yes indeed they are motioning for the Cow and much to the delight of the crowd the Cow nods in agreement. With a running start the Cow lunges at Cardinal Biggles and...

COLE
GORE!! GORE!! GORE!! GORE!

MIKE ROWE
You're so outta here!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Cardinal Biggles has been eliminated.

0===========================================0
Elimination: 5
Eliminated: Cardinal Biggles
Eliminated by: Gored by the Cow
Left in the match: Slime, Snot, Dr. Pigly, Dr. Anderson, Mariachi, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

Quiz start to chase the Cow the second Biggles' elimination is announce, but four feet seems to be quicker than two and the Cow manages to hide amongst his brethren who are now wandering freely on the set after Mr. Warrior was used to break the wall of their pen earlier in the match.

COACH
What a chicken

COLE
Do you need me to get you a Barnyard Speak and Spell so you can figure out what a cow looks like?

Everyone's attention is diverted as Brucito Blank climbs up on the back of one of the horses and then...

LEAPS OFF ONTO SLIME!!

Brucito goes for a spinning head scissors but Slime stands his ground, flipping Brucito behind his back, followed by Brucito using his momentum to flip back around front for another spinning head scissors.

COLE
Whoa look at him spinning around

COACH
I think it's fair to say that Slime "spins him round, round baby round, round"

After spinning around Slime 3 or 4 times Brucito Blank arm drags the Masked Mutant, right into the path of the horse, resulting in a...

*POW!!*

MIKE ROWE
You're... man that looked painful.

MICHAEL BUFFER
Slime has been eliminated

0===========================================0
Elimination: 6
Eliminated: Slime
Eliminated by: Kicked by a Horse
Left in the match: Snot, Dr. Pigly, Dr. Anderson, Mariachi, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

COACH
I want to know how the hell he managed that feat?

COLE
I want to know how he managed to keep the cowboy hat on his head through all this.

COACH
Hair grease; just like the real Bruce Blank.

After chasing the Cow all over the arena Quiz finally corners his bovine opponent, slowly approaching it to make sure the Cow does not escape.

COACH
I think Quiz is about to win a steak dinner

COLE
That is SO insensitive

COACH
It's not insensitive if it's funny Cole!

Like all animals the Cow does not like to be cornered and begins to flip out, stomping it's feet, mooing maniacally while huffing and puffing. When the Cow charges Quiz he quickly pulls Dr. Pigly over in front of him so that the Cow headbuts Dr. Pigly instead of him.

MIKE ROWE
You're outta here!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Dr. Pigly has been eliminated!!

0===========================================0
Elimination: 7
Eliminated: Dr. Pigly
Eliminated by: Pulled in front of the Cow by Quiz
Left in the match: Snot, Dr. Anderson, Mariachi, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

Quiz takes advantage of the distraction and lands an elbow drop to the back of the Cow's neck, knocking it down on it's front knees. The big man grabs the Cow in a front headlock, then picks up one of the Cow's front legs while yelling

QUIZ
Now we're gonna see a Perfect-CowPlex!!

COLE
No way

COACH
You know you want to see it, admit it.

Quiz actually tries to suplex the Cow, but it's just too heavy (and too "two people") for him to actually get it done. After a few tries Dr. Anderson joins Quiz, aiding him in the attempted suplex, but even the power of two men is not able to raise the rasslin' Cow up in the air. They motion for Mariachi to join them but he seems to be distracted by whispering into the ear of one of the sheep.

COACH
Come on man, I want to see some man on animal action

COLE
Well you should just go online and find it like the rest of us

COACH


In the blink of an eye Brucito Blank leaps up on the Cow's back, runs down its spine and drop kicks both Quiz and Dr. Anderson off him

COLE
Look at the Redneck Superboy fly

COACH
Redneck Superboy??

COLE
Well if Bruce Blank is called the Redneck Superman, Brucito is clearly Superboy

After being freed by Brucito the Cow returns the favor as he intercepts Snot as he was about to attack Brucito. The Cow rears up on its hind legs and kicks Snot square in the chest, sending him into a water trough

SPLASH!!

MIKE ROWE
You're outta here!!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Snot has been eliminated!

0===========================================0
Elimination: 8
Eliminated: Snot
Eliminated by: Kicked by the Cow
Left in the match: Dr. Anderson, Mariachi, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

A swift super kick from the Cow hits Dr. Anderson in the back, followed by the Cow spinning around striking Quiz with a BUTT bump

COLE
COW-FU COMING AT CHA!!

COACH
(groans)

MIKE ROWE
You're both outta here!!

0===========================================0
Elimination: 9
Eliminated: Dr. Anderson
Eliminated by: Cow-Fu
Left in the match: Mariachi, Quiz, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0
0===========================================0
Elimination: 10
Eliminated: Quiz
Eliminated by: Cow-fu
Left in the match: Mariachi, Felix Stutter, Malaysia, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

MICHAEL BUFFER
Dr. Anderson and Quiz have both been eliminated!!

Stutter and Malaysia are halfheartedly fighting over by the pigpen when Felix Stutter begins to walk away from the whole thing, shaking his head as he states:

FELX STUTTER
This is ridiculous!

MALAYSIA
I agree Stutter I don't even know why I am out here.

FELX STUTTER
Yeah! I don't need this; I can get title matches with the snap of a finger (snaps finger)

MALAYSIA
We could just leave right now.

FELX STUTTER.
hmmmm I dunno

MALAYSIA
Just walk away; let's not do this.

FELX STUTTER
You're right this is ridiculous; let's go.

Stutter and Malaysia turn to head to the back, only for Malaysia to grab Felix Stutter by the back of the trunks, taking advantage of Stutter's defenses being down to toss him over the top of the pen, sending him splashing into the mud/"Other substances".

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

MIKE ROWE
You're.... ah you already know.

MICHAEL BUFFER
Felix Stutter has been eliminated

0===========================================0
Elimination: 11
Eliminated: Felix Stutter
Eliminated by: Thrown in the pen by Malaysia
Left in the match: Mariachi, Malaysia, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

Stutter looks shocked, then pissed as he wipes mud from his eyes. When gets back to his feet he notices Malaysia still laughing at him. Without thinking he grabs the nearest thing, which happens to be a chicken, and throws it at Malaysia.

MIKE ROWE
You're outta here!!

MALAYSIA
What? are you kidding me, you can't disqualify me

MIKE ROWE
No you're eliminated according to the rules

MALAYSIA
What are you talking about?

Mike just points to two of Malaysia's most prominent features.

MALAYSIA
Oh don't be such a pig; have you never seen a pair of boobs before?

MIKE ROWE
That's not what I mean; look you have the imprint of chicken feet on your chest

MALAYSIA
And?

MIKE ROWE
You were kicked by a barnyard animal so you are eliminated.

MICHAEL BUFFER
Malaysia has been eliminated!!

0===========================================0
Elimination: 12
Eliminated: Malaysia
Eliminated by: Chicken kick to the chest
Left in the match: Mariachi, the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

In her frustrations Malaysia viciously punts the chicken into the crowd

BWAK-SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Sending it flying in a cloud of feathers, giving some lucky guy in the 10th row a free chicken

COLE
There goes our security deposit

COACH
Did we rent the animals?

COLE
No Coach we had wrestlers for OAOVW dress up as animals

The Invitational is down to three competitors, the Cow, Brucito Blank and Mariachi, only Mariachi is not in the mood to fight, he's in the mood for

OOOOOOH BABY!!

Somehow Mariachi managed to find a bottle of champagne, fuzzy handcuffs and a rose from somewhere as he seductively slinks towards the object of his affection, a black and white sheep, it's a darn cute sheep, but a sheep nonetheless.

MARIACHI
You come here often babee?

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

The luchador just nods in agreement as he gets down on his knees and slowly slithers towards the sheep while seductively licking his lips. All eyes are on Mariachi as he reaches out and gently begins to stroke... the sheep's face

I know what you perverts were thinking

Then, after building up some courage he leans in, puckers his lips and then

WHAM!!

He is headbutted in the face by the sheep

MIKE ROWE
You're outta here!

MICHAEL BUFFER
Mariachi has been eliminated

0===========================================0
Elimination: 13
Eliminated: Mariachi
Eliminated by: turned down by a sheep
Left in the match: the Cow, Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

Mariachi looks more heartbroken than hurt as he just stares at the sheep.

COACH
A lover’s quarrel eliminated Mariachi

COLE
The poor man

COACH
Poor man?

COLE
We all know what it is like, we think we have found true love and then...

COACH
We get socked in the face!!

Not being the kind of man that gives up on love he follows the sheep, almost chasing it as the sheep runs off.

MARIACHI
Mamacita come back!

COLE
I just realized something; we're down to JUST two competitors.

COACH
You are not telling me that either the Cow or Brucito is going to win that trophy and the prizes?

COLE
Looks like it.

Brucito quickly runs up to the Cow's hind end and begins to kick it repeatedly in the shin, and then he turns to Mike Rowe as he raises his hands in the air.

MIKE ROWE
No elimination!! Chameleons are NOT barnyard animals!

COACH
Ha the little Roach was denied.

COLE
Chameleon, not roach

COACH
Same difference.

Brucito barely avoids being kicked in the back by the Cow, as he manages to leap out of the way right and right into Mike Rowe's arms. A surprised Rowe just stands there for a moment, holding the pintsized wrestler in his arms before tossing him down. When the Cow goes for another kick Brucito once again avoids the kick, but the guest referee is not nearly as lucky as the Cow kicks him square in the nuts

SMACK!!

MIKE ROWE
(groans) Oh sweet mother of mercy.

With Rowe down on his knees with his focus on his nether regions and not the match the rules are tossed out the window between Brucito and the Cow.

COLE
The Cow is inviting Brucito Blank to come on!!

COACH
Hooves of fury?

Before anyone can make a move the barn door opens once more and out walks...

BRUCE BLANK!!

COLE
What is he doing here?

COACH
I bet he is not happy with the little guy making fun of him.

Blank points to his diminutive double, causing Brucito to back off, begging off as Bruce Blank gets closer. Brucito back up until he runs back first into the Cow

COACH
He is trapped! This is great ha, ha.

The bigger of the Blanks clenches his fist as the smaller begs off. Bruce winds up and

BLAM!!

COLE
HE KNOCKED OUT THE COW!!

COACH
What the hell is going on?

The punch sends the Cow to the ground like, well like a cow ready for slaughter. Brucito looks surprised at this, then pleased as Bruce's face breaks into a wide grin.

MIKE ROWE
What (winces) what happened?

BRUCE BLANK
One of his fellow cows turned on him and gored him

MIKE ROWE
No way

BRUCE BLANK
Hey what else can knock out a cow?

After assessing the situation Rowe calls for the bell

DING!! DING!! DING!! DING!!

0===========================================0
Elimination: 14
Eliminated: The Cow
Eliminated by: He got knocked the F out
Left in the match: Brucito Blank
0===========================================0

MICHAEL BUFFER
The winner of the 1st Annual Barnyard Invitational..... BRUCITO BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!

The Redneck Superboy rushes over to the giant trophy and tries to lift it to no avail. Then he climbs up it, re-enacting King Kong's climb up the Empire State Building as he climbs towards the top.

COLE
The trophy is like twice as big as he is!

After climbing to the top Brucito raises both hands in the air

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

The real Bruce Blank grabs Brucito off the trophy and places him on his right shoulder, then with his left hand he grabs the giant trophy and raises it in the air, celebrating with his diminutive companion.

COLE
Who knew that Bruce Blank actually had a sense of humor?

COACH
His wardrobe already revealed that Cole.

Blank puts both Brucito and the trophy down and then walks towards the back, allowing the little man to celebrate his victory. On his way to the back he is stopped by a cow blocking his path.

BLAM!!

THUD!!

HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!

COLE
He knocked out an actual cow!!

MIKE ROWE
So little fellar, you won the Barnyard Invitational, what are you going to do now?

BRUCITO BLANK
I AM GOING TO TEQUILALAND BABY!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Chanel #99]

We go backstage to find Melody Nerdly in a dressing room being filmed by Molly Nerdly as she plays No Homo on her 360.

MELODY
Hi, gang! I’m in the middle of an awesome No Homo match, me controlling Zack Malibu and Baron Windels against The Heavenly Rockers.

Logan hits the Percussion DDT on Melody’s Zack.

MELODY
And you can seen the Percussion DDT right there. I’ll just kickout of that right now-

COMPUTER
ONE-TWO-THREE! DING DING DING! YOU LOSE!

MELODY


MOLLY (OS)
Melody, are you okay? You look frustrated.

MELODY
Frustrated isn’t the good damn word for it!

MOLLY(OS)
Oh my!

MELODY
This is outright bullshit! This xbox 360 screwed me, the original xbox screwed me, and nobody does a god damn thing about it! Not Microsoft! Not Bill Gates! Not IGN! Not Gamepro! Nobody gives a damn! Not nobody on gamefaqs! Not nobody on neoseeker! There’s so much good damn bullshit and craziness in this stupid video game crap its enough to drive me crazy!

MOLLY (OS)
Melody, calm down.

MELODY
I am calm, damn it! Everybody knows I should’ve won that match! Nobody gives a crap, they just play Brickbreaker on their Blackberries while I get screwed! You know it, Molly! EA Sports knows it! And they keep turning a blind eye to it! Everyone on CAW.ws turns a god damn blind eye to me getting screwed! I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be at No Homo! If you don’t like it, tough shit!

Not having overheard Melody’s rant, Tim Cash pokes his head into the room.

CASH

Melody, our match is up next.

MELODY
FUCK YOU!

Attributing Melody’s nerd rage to “Female Issues”, Tim Cash smiles as he holds the door open for the fuming Melody.

MOLLY (OS)
Uh, let’s just roll the pictures, please.

KING LANDON




MAGGIE NERDLY (PSP version)




COMING UP NEXT
OAO WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES
TIM CASH AND BIFFMAN VS LDC MONEYGANG
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Before we go up to the ring, MR. DICK and MALAYSIA take a seat in the front row to a mixed reaction.

COLE
What do we have here?

COACH
A couple of OAOAST super fans!

MD and Malaysia even brought signs to the event, with such gems as:

I CAME FOR HLS

FIRE TONY & PATTY

TEAM COCO

I’D RATHER BE IN MALAYSIA

MD claps his hands in anticipation of the action he’s about to see. Meanwhile, Malaysia grabs a fan’s box of popcorn for herself and MD.

OAOAST GALAXY MEMBER
Hey!

MALAYSIA


OAOAST GALAXY MEMBER
Enjoy the popcorn.



BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the ONE & ONLY WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP!

“The World is Mine” by David Guetta hits and Lorelei DeCenzo leads her team ringside.

BUFFER
Introducing first, the challengers, led to the ring by LORELEI DECENZO, representing THE ENTERPRISE… total combine weight 420 pounds… SPENCER REIGER and COLIN MAGUIRE, JR… THE LDC MMMOOOONNEYGANG!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

As the gang pose under green and gold spotlights, CMJ and Spencer do the title belt motion.

COLE
Will we have new champions here tonight?

COACH
Yes!

COLE
Or will the men about to be introduced retain their championship?

COACH
No!

The sounds of troubled streets, police alarms and fleeing citizens, can be heard through the arena. A woman screams as a single spotlight searches around the arena. Eventually it focuses on the ceiling, shining a giant "A". A triumphant fanfare sounds before "The Power" hits and the champs appear onstage. Biffman strikes a heroic pose and looks to the skies, then at Tim Cash before they shake hands in a scene right out of the 60s Batman TV open.

COLE
Holy VINTAGE Batman!

Melody swings in on a rope to add to the absurdity, but it makes for one helluva visual.

BUFFER
And their opponents, the reigning and defending TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOORLD! First, from Peoria, Illinois, weighing 220 pounds… Wrestling’s Last Real Good Guy… TIIIIIIMMMMM CCAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHH! His tag team partner, accompanied by MELODY NERDLY! From Venice Beach, California, weighing 220 GIGATONS~! Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of earth, look, in the aisle… IT'S BBIIIIFFFFFFFMMAAAAAAAANN!!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

The champs march to the ring and get pummeled the second they enter.

* DINGDINGDING *

Biff and Tim return fire, but a pair of eye rakes stop them in their tracks. Whipped into the ropes, Biff ducks a back elbow and delivers a clothesline while Tim lands on his feet after a backdrop and scrambles the brain of CMJ with a spinning heel kick to the back of the head.

COLE
Back brain wheel kick! Here’s the cover!

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

Spencer pulls CMJ outside to safety.

COACH
Disaster avoid. I think Teddy would’ve gotten a jump start on spring cleaning had the Moneygang gone down in near record breaking fashion.

CMJ shakes off the cobwebs in the corner as Spencer and Tim lockup. Spencer grabs a headlock and is shoved off to the ropes. Tim leapfrogs him on the rebound and executes a hip toss.

NO!

Spencer blocks the hip toss with one of his own. That’s followed by a side headlock takeover that results in a head scissors by Tim and causes Spencer to float on top.

ONE!

TWO!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

Timmy dazzles the OAOAST Galaxy when he bridges UP and performs a backslide.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Tim ducks a clothesline and takes Spencer down with a flying cross body!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Spencer counters a whip and CMJ gives Tim a love tap that distracts him long enough for Spencer to blindside him.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Spencer tags CMJ and then has an Irish whip reversed. Timmy leapfrogs Spencer on the rebound as CMJ enters and the LDCMG collide!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Biff receives the tag and it’s clotheslines for everybody.

COLE
Go crazy, Biff! Go crazy!

COACH
He already is crazy.

CMJ delivers a knee to the gut and then a hard Irish uppercut. He tries to follow that up with a T-bone suplex on a man who weighs 220 GIGATONS~!

COLE
Good luck with that.

COACH
Come on, CMJ. You can do it. Biff Atlas doesn’t really weight 220 gigatons.

COLE
But Biffman does.

COLE
They’re one in the same, you idiot.

Biff shakes his head and slams CMJ.

Again.

And again.

Biff whips CMJ into the ropes and we have a blind tag. CMJ ducks a clothesline and then Spencer who leapfrogs him.

COLE
Oh, the LDC Moneygang almost collided again.

Spencer drops down as CMJ rebounds off the ropes, then Biff leapfrogs CMJ and drops down when the Irishman shoots back off the other side.

SPENCER


CMJ steps on the brakes to avoid a head-on collision and high fives a thankful Spencer. Things quickly go south for the LDCMG when Biff swoops in and delivers a DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER!

MELODY


COACH
Oh, mama!

Biff fires Spencer in and nearly decapitates him with a running high knee.

COLE
Up and Atlas~!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

The champs tag and Spencer takes a swing at the new legal man, but Timmy ducks and takes him down with a rolling cradle.

COACH
‘Round and ’round they go. When they’ll stop nobody knows.

Tim pins Spencer to the mat.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Spencer staggers right into a SLEEPER!

COLE
Do Not Resuscitate!

Lorelei distracts the ref while CMJ sneaks in and breaks Timmy in half with a CROSSFACE CHICKENWING GERMAN SUPLEX!!

COACH
Fenwayplex!

COLE
I think Timmy is out cold. The back of his head hit hard on the mat.

A measured knee drop is followed by the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

COLE
A kick out! Timmy kicked out!

CMJ and Lorelei cheer Spencer on as he whips Tim to the corner. The impact is so forceful it drops Timmy to the seat of his seats, which allows Spencer to deliver a running knee to the face.

COACH
Hey Timmy, remember Blood is the New Black. *laughs*

Spencer positions Tim near the corner for a MOONSAULT… but Timmy moves and tags Biff!

COLE
The lights were on, but nobody was home.

Spencer is decked by a clothesline and then knocked back into the corner following an inverted atomic drop. Biff gets the OAOAST Galaxy involved as he fires away from the middle rope.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Biff spots CMJ out of the corner of his eye and levels him with, you guessed it, a clothesline, but a flying clothesline!

COACH
I hope you aren’t seeing this, Teddy.

Biff shifts his focus back on Spencer and walks right into a RUNNING INVERTED BULLDOG!

COLE
The New York Knockout. We could have new champions right here.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Spencer lures Timmy in to create a diversion. As Tim is restrained by the ref, Spencer drags Biff to the LDCMG corner where he CHOKES him with the draw string from his shorts.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Timmy returns to the apron and slaps the top turnbuckle in frustration. Meanwhile, the LDCMG tag and CMJ works Biff over in the corner.

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Spencer hangs on for dear life as CMJ T-bone’s Biff!

COLE
220 GIGATONS~! down onto the mat. Thankfully the OAOAST reinforced the ring for this one.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

CMJ places Biff in a half-nelson and repeatedly strikes him with open fists.

COLE
Can Biffman survive the torture from the Irish hell raiser, or is this the grisly end of our heroes title reign? Keep watching! And keep your fingers crossed!!!

COACH


Tim and Melody rally the crowd behind Biff, but CMJ looks to dash hopes of a comeback with a IRISH (GERMAN) SUPLEX, which Biff blocks and counters with a side belly-to-belly!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

The LDCMG tag and attempt a double suplex, but again Biff counters with one of his own. As the LDCMG roll around in pain, blues and agony, the champs tag and the place ERUPTS.

COLE
This place is going crazy!

COACH
Imagine what it’s going to be like in NYC for AngleMania Ten.

Timmy unloads with forearms and body slams. He ducks a chop from CMJ and gives him CASHBACK! Or a Randy Orton style backbreaker for anybody wondering or forgot.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR--NO!

SAVE BY CMJ!

CMJ looks to inflict more damage when Biff wipes him out with a running flying shoulder block!

COLE
Biffman to the rescue!

COACH
Don’t tell me these guys are gonna pull it off.

The action spills outside as Biff and CMJ go at it. Not only does it grab the fans attention, it also catches the eye of Timmy, which creates an opening for a school boy!

COLE
Spencer has a handful of tights!

COACH
I see nothing. My monitor went dead.

The count.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- KICKOUT!!

Spencer complains of a slow count. Needless to say his complaint falls on deaf ears. This prompts Lorelei to climb onto the apron and give the referee a piece of her mind.

COLE
Lorelei’s got no business up there.

COACH
She’s just exercising her First Amendment right to free speech.

As Lorelei and the ref chat, Timmy counters a slam into a SMALL PACKAGE!

COLE
One, two, three, four. This match should be over.

COACH
But it’s not.

COLE
Thanks to Lorelei DeCenzo.

Melody finally has enough and yanks Lorelei down from the apron. You can guess what happens next.

CAT FIGHT~!

Like the thousands in attendance and the millions at home, the ref watches the girls thrown down. As that goes on, THEODORE MONEYMAKER appears ringside.

COACH
We’ve got company, Cole.

COLE
And I’ve got a bad feeling.

Moneymaker’s presence grabs the attention of Timmy, who Spencer nails down low.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Moneymaker instructs Spencer to hold Timmy up as he pulls out a ROLL OF SILVER DOLLARS from his pocket.

COLE
I knew it. I just knew it. Theodore Moneymaker just gift wrapped the tag team championship for the LDC Moneygang.

Moneymaker knuckles up and delivers the blow, which drills SPENCER right between the eyes after Timmy ducks!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
Teddy struck the wrong man!

Moneymaker shrugs his shoulders, no hint of outrage at all.

COLE
Would you take a look at this. There’s no sign of remorse on the face of Theodore Moneymaker.

COACH
Let’s not go making wild accusations, Cole. For all we know Teddy is playing it cool so he doesn’t rattle his guys. Panic breeds panic, you know.

COLE
I say it’s ego. Moneymaker’s ego couldn’t handle Spencer defending his relationship with Jade, the daughter of longtime rival Krista Isadora Duncan, or becoming part of the tag team champions while he and CW were still alive in the Anderson Cup. He wants the spotlight and all the glory for himself.

Moneymaker starts to return backstage when he’s tackled by Biff. Luckily for the Billion Dollar Heir, CMJ is right there to pull him off. The two resume their battle while Moneymaker dusts himself and Timmy covers Spencer.

COACH
We’ve got silver dollars spilled all over, Mikey Cole.

The ref actually suggests certain acts be performed during the Melody/Lorelei cat fight like he‘s apart of some adult web show.

COLE
Pay attention to the action inside the ring, ref, not outside.

Suddenly there’s a commotion in the crowd. The camera scans various sections until we find REJECT.

COACH
What now?

Reject slips into the ring unbeknownst to Timmy and PUNTS him.

COLE
No, damnit!

Reject gives THE EULOGY and places Spencer on top of Timmy.

MONEYMAKER


Moneymaker confronts Reject about his actions but is brushed off. The Billion Dollar Heir continues to press his luck when Reject decides enough is enough and delivers another EULOGY~!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
Oh, my!

The ref finally turns around and the makes.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

COACH
We’ve got new champions!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable! The winners and NEW tag team champions of the woooooorld… SPENCER REIGER and COLIN MAGUIRE, JR… THE LDC MMMOOOONNEYGANG!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MELODY & LORELEI


“The World is Mine” cues and Lorelei leaps to her feet in celebration. She grabs the tag titles and hands them to CMJ. Together they help a groggy Spencer Reiger up and raise his hand in victory.

COLE
The LDC Moneygang are the new tag team champions. Later on we’ll learn who they’ll face at AngleMania when D*LUX take on Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright in the Anderson Cup Finals.

COACH
Hello, Cole. Teddy got eulogized. No way he can compete tonight. If the OAOAST has any passion whatsoever they’ll postpone the Anderson Cup Finals till next week.

COLE
It’s your boy’s damn fault, Coach. Nobody told him to piss off Reject.

COACH
Damn you’re cold.

Biff and Melody tend to Timmy as we go to break.

THE MISTAKE BY THE LAKE
OAOAST HeldDOWN~! LIVE FROM CLEVELAND, OHIO
NEXT THURSDAY!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Returning from break we are magically able to see inside Los Conquistadors’ locker room through the medium of the amazing invisible cameraman that seems to work for a lot of wrestling promotions. Dos is still fired up from their voodoo finally working on someone, while Uno just leans back against the wall, smoking a big cigar looking happy to have “won” the match.

UNO
This, my divine brother, could be the beginning of something awesome.

When the camera zooms out it reveals that Uno is not sitting on a chair or a bench, but instead on “It”’s back as the mind-controlled alien is down on all fours, providing Uno with somewhere to sit.

DOS
First this guy, next… THE WORLD!! MUA-HA-HA-HA!!

UNO
Now how do we make the best of this?

DOS
Well first of all we need to figure out how to get us on television every week.

UNO
And then what

DOS
Well I am not quite sure on step two, but step three is WORLD DOMINATION MUA-HA-HA-HA!

UNO
Come again?

DOS
Step one, get on television regularly, step two… well I’ve not quite figured that out yet, but step three is world domination!

At first Uno looks totally unconvinced by the plan, but moments later he breaks out in an evil smile

UNO
I like it! I like it a lot!

DOS
Thank you, it is my best plan to date.

UNO
I even got an idea for how to get on television every week

DOS
What?

Uno excitedly jumps up and begins to explain

UNO
We do… a weekly open challenge, someone comes out each week and we beat that person up to win the challenge.

DOS
Now when you say we…

UNO
The two of us… by proxy.

Uno nods towards “It” the Alien,

DOS
You mean HE… It, whatever… fights in the challenge?

UNO
Well physically yes, but our eeeeeeevil masterminds will control him through out the match.

DOS
What do they win?

UNO
Who?

DOS
Well what would make someone come out and take the challenge? Not that they would win, but they need motivation.

UNO
Hmmmmm how about your car?

DOS
WHAT? That is a brand new Korean, mid-rage car!

UNO
It’s not like they will actually win it, we’re just SAYING they can win it to get someone to come out. They won’t actually win the challenge.

DOS
How can you be so sure?

UNO
Because we will cheat.

Uno chuckles as he holds up a bag of voodoo dolls, freshly imported from Haiti

DOS
OOOOOOOOOH! Genius. And the longer the challenge goes, the more OAOAST’ians we will control.

UNO
I know, that’s the best part of it.

DOS
We cannot lose!

UNO
Nope, the plan is fool proof

*We quickly fade out as both Los Conquistadors let loose a maniacal laugh that would make Dr. Evil jealous.*

[Chanel #99]

We return to a ringside area that's bathed in red, white, and green lights.

COLE
A few weeks ago OAOAST decided to expand its operations and bought a Mexican promotion known as Mexico’s Internacional Lucha Libre Federacion

COACH
MILF!!

COLE
Yeah I knew you would get that joke. Well we’ve already seen quiet a rivalry develop between those that want to be called “Lucha traditionalists” and those that just want to wrestle

COACH
What you call “Traditionalists” I call heroes, striking a blow for their legacy, they’re freedom fighters

COLE
Isn’t that what terrorist call themselves?

COACH
You did not just go there! We’ve got Muslims in the building; do you want to get blown up??

COLE
Ah Coach I did not think you cared so much.

COACH
I don’t, but this is a new suit and if I get Cole-spatter on it won’t wash out.

COLE
So touching Coach, really. Before we go on I would like to introduce someone

COACH
Your boyfriend? About time you came out

COLE
(Ignoring Coach) For a few weeks now we have been featuring Lucha Libre action from South of the border, but let's admit it, neither Coach nor myself are experts on the subject

COACH
Speak for yourself; I am a master of all subjects.

COLE
Really? Who was the last FILL World Champion before the buy-out?

COACH
Erm... that masked guy of course.

COLE
So we brought in a Lucha expert, funnily enough he was working for MILLF the whole time

COACH
So what happened? No one bothered to ask him if he spoke English?

COLE
Well.... yes. Anyway here he is, Leonardo Vincenzo De La Hoya Verazcruz Cardinal

COACH
Now you're just making up stuff

CARDINAL
Hello Cole and Coach nice to finally be here in sofa central, and nice to be here to actually bring some insight on the people in the ring.

COLE
So it's Cole, Coach and Cardinal calling the hot Lucha Libre action tonight.

CARDINAL
ANd by the way, the Gran Gladiador was the last FILL World Champion. He retired when FILL was bought out.

COACH
Well thank you useless trivial guy.

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
Ladies and … whatever you are, can I implore you to please rise and show some respect for a little culture, for something authentic, something you have not ruined by “Taco Bell’ing” it.

*Dramatic pause*

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
A ganar a dos de tres caídas sin limite de tiempo!

As he announced the two out of three falls stipulation the Mexican National Anthem starts up

Ciña oh Patria! tus sienes de olivia

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

COLE
They are not booing because it is foreign; they boo because they do not like La Ola Mexicana!

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
Introducing the first team, they are number one both in the ring and in our hearts. Led by the pride of Mexico, the bravest man to ever put on a mask Dr. Lucha, Jr. This is the team of El Juez, Espiritu Negro and Los Hijos del Infierno, collectively known as LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OLA MEX-I-CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNAAA-A-A-A-A-A!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHH!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHH!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHH!!

A sea of Red, White and Green fireworks go off amidst boos and hisses from the crowd, followed by Dr. Lucha, Jr. walking out proudly waving a Mexican flag. Moments later he is joined by the rest of La Ola Mexicana as Espiritu Negro, El Juez and the Infierno brothers walk out behind him.

COLE
The big question here tonight is if El Camaleón is healthy enough to compete

COACH
That’s the big question? I can answer that for you – NO! And after tonight his little buddy may suffer a similar fate.

CARDINAL
That’s true if Camaleón cannot work Bribón said he would take his place, which is unusual for FI-, excuse me MILLF matches where the Luchadors and Mini-Etrellas usually do not mix

COACH
Mini-Estrellas?

COLE
That means Mini-Stars, the correct term for wrestlers like Bribón

COACH
I got a term for it as well.

COLE
WHOA! Not on live TV, we don't want to get sued.

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
AAAAAAAND their opponents, hailing from Mexico, fighting a hopeless fight for El Camaleón.

COLE
I think he went to the Coach school of unbiased announcing

COACH
And I was happy to cash his check!

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
Here are los Tecnicos!! Guerrero Dorada, Tigre Azteca and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVIADOR DIVIIIIIIIIIINA!!

COACH
Tecnicos??

CARDINAL
The good guys Coach

COLE
Yeah Coach is not real familiar with the concept of "good guys"

COACH
Yeah I am, I call them suckers!

The instantly recognizable guitar intro to "Welcome to the Jungle" kicks on as Bribón enters the arena, only tonight he is not dressed up as someone else, but instead wears his regular mask and suit, giving off a serious vibe.

CARDINAL
This may be the fourth guy on the team; I heard rumors that Camaleón may have a broken collarbone

COACH
Oh spare me, I break a collarbone once or twice a week and I never complain about it

COLE
Leonardo you will quickly learn to disregard Coach.

Bribón is joined by Guerrero Dorada, Tigre Azteca and Aviador Divina, all wearing green El Camaleón inspired versions of their own masks as well as green shiny capes that covers up their clothes.

COACH
Unfair! How do you tell them apart?

COLE
Well considering that Dorada still has the giant Mohawk

CARDINAL
And Tigre Azteca's mask still has ears and furry cheeks.

TIGRE AZTECA
Camaleón, buddy, this one is for you.

The four, well three and a half, green men make their way to the ring. Once they are up on the apron they discard their robes to reveal that even their tights match El Camaleóns colors, presenting a united front.

CARDINAL
Good to see some unity in the ring, you know Tigre, Guerrero and Aviador team on a regular basis, but they usually do not associate with El Camaleón.

COLE
I think they're united in the distain for La Ola Mexicana

Once they're in the ring Bribón lunges for Dr. Lucha, Jr. only to be stopped and picked up by Tigre Azteca before he can connect. Bribón is so incensed that his arms and legs keep flailing even after he has been picked up

Dr. Lucha, Jr.
Easy there sprout! You will get your chance to fight soon enough, since your big brother is not in any shape to compete tonight.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

COACH
Finally the crowd is getting’ what the good Doctor is spreadin'!

CARDINAL
Look to the entrance Coach

El Camaleón just stepped into the arena; he's wearing his mask, street clothes and his arm in a sling and heavily taped up

COLE
That does not look good at all

COACH
Oh hush; it looks great... for Ola Mexicana, ha, ha.

Dr. Lucha, Jr. laughs maniacally as El Camaleón steps through the ropes and motions for the microphone

El CAMALEÓN
Amigos, I am sorry... I am sorry to tell you that YOU DID NOT GET THE JOB DONE!!

In a flash El Camaleón spears Dr. Lucha, Jr. to the ground and then begins to wail away on him with both hands.

COLE
He's okay! El Camaleón is able to fight!!

COACH
How pathetic, he attacked an injured man

CARDINAL
Coach you live in your own little world don't you?

Order is restored as La Ola Mexicana and the tecnico team separates the two sides, with Ola Mexicana making sure Dr. Lucha, Jr. is escorted safely to the floor. Camaleón insists on starting the match so Guerrero Dorada, Aviador Divina and Tigre Azteca reluctantly step out on the apron. Bribón high fives Camaleón and then slides to the floor, content to just watch the match and not compete.

DING!!
DING!!
DING!!

-----M.I.L.L.F.----
Fall # 1
----------------------
Ola Mex: 0
Tecnicos: 0
----------------------

COLE
And it's El Camaleón facing off El Juez to begin the match, a repeat of the very first M.I.L.L.F. match in OAOAST.

CARDINAL
This is a great example of two extremes in Lucha Libre, Camaleón is normally the more laid back, fun loving guy and well El Juez is a serious, somber guy who just wants to hurt people.

Camaleón lets his emotions get the better of him and rushes El Juez without any strategy in mind. He manages to shoulder tackle him into the corner where he drives his shoulder into El Juez' mid section once more. On the second attempt the Judge grabs El Camaleón by the throat and shoulder and throws him into the corner.

COACH
Man this is so much better than Judge Judy

El Juez gains the advantage with a couple of vicious back elbow strikes, followed by the big man Irish whipping El Camaleón straight across the ring

THUD!!

El Juez displays a surprising quickness as he races across the ring and

POW!!

COLE
Yakuza Kick! My god that almost took El Camaleón's head right off

CARDINAL
That is one of El Juez' trademark moves, it has won him his fare share of matches.

Figuring that hitting the move once was good, but doing it twice would be even better El Juez whips El Camaleón across the ring towards the other turnbuckle. In the last split second Camaleón drops down and baseball slides under the bottom rope, to the floor.

COACH
Now I don't get why another wrestler is allowed to come in without tagging, that's just not logical

CARDINAL
It makes for a faster match Coach, keeping the fresh men in there gives Lucha Libre that high speed feel.

Guerrero Dorada leaps over the top rope and bumps El Juez with a shoulder block, then with El Juez slight off balance Dorada bounces off the ropes, only to be caught by El Juez in a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.

CARDINAL
QUEBRADORA!!

COACH
No thanks that Mexican food just does not agree with me.

After the back breaker El Juez snap-mares Dorada into a seated position. When El Juez goes for a running kick to his seated opponent Guerrero Dorada ducks backwards, under the foot, then into a Matrix style bridge into a kip-up. Once El Juez turns around he is met with a Super kick from Dorada.

COLE
One thing I have noticed is just how limber these guys are, I mean look at that.!

COACH
Oh I am sure Jumbo or anyone else could do the same!

El Juez tags in Espiritu Negro, who happily steps through the ropes while giggling like a mad man. When the two lock up Espiritu Negro pokes Dorada in the eye, quickly gaining the in ring advantage due to his underhanded means. A quick knee to the ribs and then a kick to the side of Dorada's leg brings the luchador to his knees.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

After first softening his opponent up with a couple of elbows to the head Espiritu Negro begins to pull on Dorada's mask, opening up a rip at the top

CARDINAL
That is the ultimate move of disrespect in Mexico; it could even earn him a disqualification.

Espiritu changes tactics and whips Guerrero Dorada into the corner where the rest of La Ola Mexicana are standing.

COLE
Not a good place to be for Guerrero Dorada

Just to prove that Michael Cole can be right at times Los Hijos del Infierno and El Juez all begin to beat on Guerrero Dorada while he is in the corner. This brings in all their opponents, rushing across the ring to save their partner

COACH
Smart move, La Ola Mexicana split!

All four Ola Mexicana members jump to the floor, out of harms way as Tigre Azteca checks on Guerrero Dorada. In order to not get taken down by a dive the four men each get behind one of the ring posts.

COACH
Now that is clever, can't jump them when they’re...

And just to prove that Coach is generally wrong the four tecnicos run for each of the four corners of the ring, leaps up on the top rope and then

SPRINGBOARD FLIPS OVER THE TOP OF THE RINGPOSTS ONTO THEIR OPPONENTS

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

CARDINAL
Nowhere is safe when the high fliers of MILLF are around.

COLE
That was insane, they could have easily broken their necks if they did not get the move right.

COACH
Apparently not easily enough.

Aviador Divina grabs Hijo del Infierno I and tosses him under the bottom rope into the ring while the other members fight on the floor. Instead of sliding in after his opponent Aviador leaps off the apron, across the turnbuckle and springboards off the top rope on the other side for a springboard Moonsault.

CARDINAL
I think... yes we're going to see the Confession

Aviador Dorada quickly does the sign of the cross, then he runs at Hijo del Infierno I only to be caught by a tilt-a-while, but before Hijo I can slam him Aviador Divina turns it into a head scissors and spins Hijo del Infierno around 3-4 times before twisting around, bringing his opponent down in a arm bar

TAP! TAP! TAP!!

DING! DING!! DING!!

CARDINAL
Los Tecnicos take the first fall!

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
The winner of the first fall, El Camaleón, Tigre Azteca, Guerrero Dorada and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVIADOR DIIIIIIIIIVINAAA!!

-----M.I.L.L.F.----
Fall # 1
----------------------
Ola Mex: 0
Tecnicos: 1
----------------------

COACH
Smart move to tap out that quickly, La Ola Mexicana still have two falls to pull out the win, they can't win if he injures his shoulder.

CARDINAL
When Aviador locks that move in, you have no choice but tapping out!

Segunda Caida DING!! DING!! DING!!

Aviador starts the fall for his team while Hijo del Infierno I switches with his younger brother.

CARDINAL
This should be good, Hijo del Infierno II is one of the best rudo high fliers.

Both wrestlers simultaneously decide bounce off the ropes on opposite sides of the ring, the two passes each other on the rebound and then simultaneously both go for a handstand flip against the ropes, allowing them to bounce back and land on their feet in the middle of the ring

COACH
What the hell is this? Synchronized swimming?

COLE
Great minds apparently think alike Coach

While Aviador foolishly claps for his own moves and tries to get the crowd in the match Hijo del Infierno II foregoes the premature celebration and lands a low drop kick that knocks the legs out from under Aviador. Infierno II flips over Aviador Divina and then locks him in a Camel Clutch

CARDINAL
Did you know the Camel Clutch was actually invented in Mexico?

COACH
Yeah because Mexico is awash with Camels, don't be ridiculous!

Instead of locking his hands under Aviador's chin Hijo del Infierno II uses the opportunity to pull on his opponent's mask, inserting his fingers in the eyehole and pulling backwards with enough force to tear open the mask

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

El Camaleón rushes into the ring and drop kicks Hijo del Infierno II off Aviador to the delight of the crowd. Unfortunately the referee is less than pleased and yells at him as he makes him leave.

COACH
Ah here is one thing that is universal, bending the rules

With the referee distracted El Juez and Espiritu Negro rushes into the ring and stomps on Aviador. El Juez picks him up in a wheelbarrow slam position, allowing Hijo del Infierno II to leap up and punish Aviador Dorada with a lung blower double team move.


COLE
Man that's not a move you see every day.

CARDINAL
You should come to Mexico; we actually DO see it every day.

Juez and Epiritu Negro picks up Aviador Dorada by the arms and legs and holds him between then as Hijo del Infierno II jumps up on Aviador's back, throwing a pose in for good measure.

TAP!! TAP!! TAP!!

DING!! DING!! DING!!

COACH
And just like that La Ola Mexicana evens the score!!

COLE
But it was a triple team, how can the referee allow that? What about the rules?

CARDINAL
Ah Cole you are much too serious, rules are often more... well suggestions

COACH
You know I like THAT attitude!

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
The winners of the second fall, evening the score, LAAAAAAAAA OLLA-LA-LA-LA MEXI-CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!!!

-----M.I.L.L.F.----
Fall # 2
----------------------
Ola Mex: 1
Tecnicos: 1
----------------------

Tercera Caida DING!! DING!! DING!!

After quickly splitting the falls the two teams it all comes down to the third and deciding fall. The tecnico team helps Aviador Divina out of the ring, allowing Tigre Azteca to take his place.

CARDINAL
El Luchador Mas Rapido!

COACH
I thought you said he spoke English?

COLE
That's Tigre Azteca's nickname Coach, "the fastest luchador"

COACH
Suuuuure it is.

El Juez more or less orders everyone else from his side to leave the ring, making it clear that he will be the one to break Tigre Azteca in half. With a sullen glare El Juez motions for El Juez to "come on", an invitation Azteca is quick to take, bouncing off the ropes for extra speed

JUEZ KICK!!

COLE
He missed!!

CARDINAL
Technically Tigre Azteca ducked under the foot.

The lighting fast luchador ducked under the big boot, then he bounces off the ropes once more only to have El Juez leap frog over him. On the rebound El Juez tries to nail Tigre Azteca with a drop kick, but Tigre Azteca swiftly slides under it by dropping to his knees, sliding on his kneepads across the canvas. El Juez grabs Tigre Azteca's hand and whips him across the ring but Azteca uses the momentum to leap up on the top rope instead of crashing into the turnbuckles. Tired of Tigre Azteca avoiding his every move El Juez quickly moves in and just pushes Tigre's legs out from under him

THUD!!

COACH
Now that's more like it!

After tumbling to the mat Tigre Azteca is rocked by a sliding drop kick from Espiritu Negro, who quickly rolls out of the ring after giving El Juez a little extra help.

COLE
This Espiritu guy is a real sadist; he saw an opening and came in.

COACH
Hey Cardinal, what can you tell us about Espiritu Negro?

CARDINAL
Nothing, I've never seen him wrestle before, he was hired by OAOAST I think.

Since Espiritu was only in the ring momentarily the referee ignores it, in keeping with the fine refereeing traditions of Lucha Libre. Trying to take advantage of the situation El Juez Irish whips Tigre Azteca, but the Lightning quick luchador leaps up on the top rope, balances there for a moment and then leaps backwards, taking El Juez down with an high-speed arm drag

COLE
Halfway across the ring!!

COACH
Meh I could do that

COLE
You couldn't get that much air if you were shot out of a cannon.

When Azteca tries to gain the momentum against El Juez the vile Judge simply clobbers him with an elbow to the jaw followed by a series of stomps to Tigre Azteca on the canvas. With Tigre Azteca slowed down enough El Juez whips him into the corner with a thud, then charges in

CARDINAL

FOOT TO THE FACE!!

Tigre Azteca managed to put his feet up, nailing El Juez in the face with enough to knock him down. Azteca charges with El Juez on the ground, but Juez puts his feet up, flipping Tigre Azteca over his head.

COLE
How the hell did he land on his feet?

CARDINAL
You're seriously asking how a cat lands on his feet?

COLE
Never mind.

Juez avoids Tigre Azteca's charge, only to have Tigre Azteca leap up on the top rope, then bounce and turn in mind air to hit the rope on the other side of the turnbuckle before taking El Juez down with a twisting huracanrana that tosses the bigger man outside the ring.

COLE
Insane!

Tigre Azteca follows up by flying through the ropes, splashing El Juez into the guardrails

CRASH!!!

CARDINAL
Here comes El Camaleón!

COACH
And Espiritu Negro, don't forget the Negro.

Espiritu drops to the floor as Camaleón charges at him, on the rebound Camaleón ducks down only to be flipped up in a power bomb position. Camaleón pushes Espiritu in the face, allowing him to drop to his feet instead. A swift kick to the midsection by Espiritu Negro sends El Camaleón reeling backwards, slumped against the ropes. He tries to defend himself by kicking out at Espiritu Negro, but the sadistic luchador grabs the foot instead, and then throws it up in the air, flipping Camaleón over the top rope to the apron.

COLE
He's in dangerous territory; he's close to La Ola Mexicana's corner

COACH
That's what he gets for being a dumbass!

Camaleón blocks a punch from Espiritu, but when he tries to springboard over the top rope Dr. Lucha, Jr. quickly rushes in and pushes Camaleón off, sending him crashing off the ropes, smacking hard to the apron before rolling to the floor.

COACH
See, total dumbass!

With Camaleón out of the ring Aviador Divina comes into the ring by springboarding off the ropes, taking Espiritu down into a pinning predicament with a sunset flip.

ONE!!

TWO!!

Kickout

Espiritu kicks out and then charges the tecnicos' corner, landing chops to both Tigre Azteca and Guerrero Dorada. The move distracts the referee and allows both los Hijos to enter the ring, attacking Aviador from behind with a double clothesline. In the middle of all the confusion Hijo del Infierno I pulls off his mask while making sure to cover his face up.

COLE
What the??

Then he tosses the mask to Aviador Divina who reacts instinctively and catches it. The moment the mask is in Aviador's hands Espiritu Negro spins the referee around to point out what just happened. The referee mistakenly thinks that Aviador Divina pulled the mask off and calls for the bell

DING!! DING!! DING!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

CARDINAL
Oh come on, not like this, it can't end like this.

COLE
Did Ola Mexicana just steal this one?

COACH
They WON this Cole! They did not steal anything. They won fair and square!

Ricardo Montalban, Jr.
The winners of the third fall by Disqualification AND THE MATCH, El Juez, Espiritu Negro, Los Hijos del Infierno, Arriba!! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOOOLA MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXI-CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!!!

-----M.I.L.L.F.----
Fall # 3
----------------------
Ola Mex: 2
Tecnicos: 1
----------------------

COLE
He did not unmask Hijo del Infierno I!

COACH
That's not what the referee said, so tough luck Cole.

CARDINAL
La Ola Mexicana proves once again that there is no depth they will not stoop to

COACH
They're winners, winners don't stoop.

Frustrated by the underhanded tactics both El Camaleón and Bribón chase Dr. Lucha, Jr. around the ring and then up the aisle, pursuing him even as Dr. Lucha, Jr. ducks backstage to get out of harms way.

COLE
I don't think this resolved anything for El Camaleón

CARDINAL
As long as Dr. Lucha, Jr. is injured El Camaleón cannot get his hands on him in the ring, which must be incredibly frustrating

COACH
Oh yeah, boo-hoo, he would just lose again like they did tonight.

COMING UP NEXT
ALIX MARIA SPEZIA VS TANGO BOSLEY
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage in the more luxurious than most dressing room of the Duncan family, Jade and Krista settle in to watch Alix's upcoming match. Krista, however, looks more excited than her somber and depressed daughter. For once in her life, Krista actually takes notice of someone's emotions other than her own.

KRISTA
Alright, who’s he sleeping with?

JADE
Who is who sleeping with?

KRISTA
Sweet charming, loveable, Spencer Reiger. Which one of your friends is he sleeping with? The girl with the lisp, that funny looking kid with the buck teeth?

JADE
Would it hurt for you to refer to my friends by their names and not by their worst features?

KRISTA
Yes. Try having prettier friends. Like mommy. So if Spencer isn’t cheating on you, or at least he is and you don’t know about it yet-

JADE
Mom!

KRISTA
Then why are you so glum?

JADE
I’m worried about you.

KRISTA
Oh, sweeetie, I already told you, by the time repeated alcohol consumption ruins my liver, they’ll have invented super robot livers to replace them, that play songs and have a little alarm clock. At least that’s what Alix says, and when has Alix ever been wrong about anything?

JADE
I’m worried about tonight.

KRISTA
What’s tonight?

Jade looks at her mother in disbelief.

JADE
Mom, later tonight you’re in War Games!

Now its Krista's turn to offer a disbelieving stare.

KRISTA
What?!

JADE
You’re going to be in War Games! On Zack’s team.

Krista calms down and shrugs her shoulders as if she just heard she got drafted into the company softball game.

KRISTA
I didn’t know that.

JADE
How did you not know that? I have been going around the house all week telling you that you need to prepare for War Games.

KRISTA
Oh, honey, you tell me so many things, mom I think Alix is putting weed in the brownies for Maya’s school bakesale, mom I know you’re putting poison in the cupcakes you baked for Spencer, mom littering the lawn with boobie traps and inviting Charlie Sheen over for Sunday brunch is not only illegal its just plain mean.. You see so many words, I just pat you on the head and say good girl, would you like a biscut now? For some reason you get very offended by that. Now, this War Games thing? I have plenty experience in war. I sat through Thin Red Line, and not once did I label it a pretentious piece of garbage, I also sat through Saving Private Ryan, and the world famous porno Saving Ryan’s Privates that Alix’s father gave us for Hannukah. How quaint. I also have experience in heavy weaponry, as you well know.

JADE
Dragging UncleTerry blindfolded into the woods and chasing him with a machete does not make you equipped for War Games. It has nothing to do with actual war. Its two rings joined together inside a massive cage, with each team entering at different intervals.

KRISTA
Then why call it War Games, why not call it two rings joined together inside a massive cage, with each team entering at different intervals games. The nerve of these pro wrestling goofballs! I’d give them a good slapping if I could find my special slapping glove. Its Gucci, by the way. Slapped the likes of Billy Ray Cyrus and Chad Smith from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

JADE
Mom, you better get prepared. I don’t want to see you get hurt.

KRISTA
Why not? The sooner I die the sooner you collect your rather generous inheritance that Maya can drag you into court over and you can grow to hate each other in old age. But, most likely I won’t be getting hurt. Because I have a pair of heavy duty weapons.

JADE
Heavy duty weap….oh mom, no. Please don’t.

KRISTA
Oh, Jade yes. Your friend Melody may have those beautiful bouncing breasts, and believe me they are beautiful, I don’t know how you stay straight when you’ve got those things staring at you on skype, but I’ve got the MIGHTY MELLONS!

JADE
Mom, please.

KRISTA
Chop me in the chest what happens? These terrific tits absorb the blow! Throw me into the ring posts? These bodacious betties act like a crash landing pad. I hit the posts, boom they just bounce me right back! If I come off the top turnbuckle, these titantic tetons are like two tons of steel crushing whoever’s unlucky enough to be bellow me. And observe what they can do in a side headlock.

JADE
Wait a second! Don’t you-

KRISTA TO JADE


JADE
I’ll never be able to drink enough alcohol to forget this horrifying moment. Could you at least have had the decency to wear a bra?

KRISTA
Oh, sweetie, of course I couldn’t. But have I proven my point to you?

Jade finally wiggles her way free of Krista's headlock.

JADE
Mom, just because you’ve got big breasts does not mean you’re invincible! Or you can do everything! You even thought you should win NBA All Star Game MVP, because you showed up to the game in a low cut top. It doesn’t work that way! Mom, you’ve got to be serious for once. Jason Silver may make you tap out again.

KRISTA
Jason Silver’s in the match?

JADE
Yep.

KRISTA
Well then, sweetheart, I suggest you get your favorite black dress ready and ironed, you’re going to a funeral in the future because there’s going to be a death in the OAOAST family. And if you’re lucky, I may kill Spencer to.

JADE
Mom!

KRISTA
Either that or I can flash you. Your choice.

JADE
I suddenly feel a strong case of indigestion.

[Chanel #99]

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT

Punching, literally punching, his way through the barn doors is Detective Tango Bosley. He roars into the arena air as he furiously slams his fists against his bare chest. Standing at his side, attired in a navy suit, is CPA who coolly puffs an expensive cigar.

BUFFER
Ladies and Gentlemen: the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of twenty minutes. Now making his way to the ring from Miami, Florida by way of New York City, being accompanied by Christopher Patrick Allen, he weighs in at two hundred sixty five pounds, DETECTIVE TANGO BOSLEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

COLE
Dective Tango Bosley all set to tango with Alix Maria Spezia here on the Heartland Spectacular in America’s Heartland. This match has been built from the incident where Tango Bosley and the rest of his thug friends attacked Leon Rodez. Morgan Nerdly has tried to get revenge, and Alix Maria Spezia of all people has been helping her, much to Morgan’s dismay of course.

CPA psyches Bosley up, as the always intense Alpha Male keeps himself fresh and limber by hopping back and forth on his feet.

CUE:: Katy Perry-California Girls

SNOOP DOGG
Greetings loved ones
Lets take a journey

KATY PERRY
California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
Will melt your popsicle
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
West coast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

A gigantic bar that hosts a neon lit sign that read’s ALIX’s rolls through the barn doors. Looking like the sexiest farm girl you’ll ever see in daisy dukes and white bikini top, Alix Maria Spezia does a little ho down atop the counter top. Behind the bar, serving drinks to customers and wondering where exactly these customers came from is Morgan Nerdly.

BUFFER
And the opponent! She is a six time OAOAST tag team champion, and former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion! She is accompanied by Morgan Nerdly! Ladies and gentlemen: ALIX MARIA SPEZIAAAA!

A massive pop speeds down from the stands as Alix merrily skips her way down the entrance ramp. Morgan hurries behind her, her little legs having a tough time keeping up with Alix’s abundant energy.

COLE
Alix Maria Spezia’s girlfriend Krista Isadora Duncan all set to compete in War Games later tonight against Team Anglesault which includes Krista’s brother Pierce Duncan.

COACH
The Result!

DING DING DING

CPA and Bosley take an excessively long time to discuss strategy, which quickly grows on the crowd’s nerves. Even Morgan gets irritated, but is too nervous to say anything to referee Clem Buzzlefoxer. The one person it doesn’t bother is Alix.

ALIX
I’m totally cool with this because sometimes partners need to be stimulated in non-erogenous zones to be aroused in erogenous zones, its why I shoot Krista in the kneecaps with bb guns and she then tackles me and slaps me. What’s going on here is that CPA is arousing Bosley by subtly nibbling on his ear.

CPA
Say what?

BOSLEY
HOLD THE FUCK UP! I’M THE ALPHA MALE OF THE GROUP! I DON’T NEED NO FOREPLAY TO GET UP! I’M ROCK HARD ALL DAY EVERYDAY!

ALIX
Prove it.

Ever the bashful one, Morgan closes her eyes and shields them with her hands.  Alix just watches on with a sly smile as Bosley begins undoing his belt.

COLE
Hurry up, god damn it! I mean….uh, ew this is gross.

The second Bosley removes his belt is the second, Alix rips it from his hands and begins whipping him in the back! Bosley howls in agony as Alix lashes him with a giggling glee. The referee tries to get Alix to cease from pummeling Bosley’s back, but Alix correctly informs him he hasn’t rung the bell. Thus Buzzlefoxer hurriedly calls for the bell.

DING DING DING

Bosley needs time to recover from being humiliated and whipped, and as such Alix is able to play a little game.

ALIX
(making herself look hulking)
Look, I have a whip, I’m big and buff, my partner over compensates for his sexual incompetency by mentioning his allegedly massive penis every third sentence and going as far to name himself after that very same penis. Who am I?

CROWD
Malaysia!

ALIX
Ding ding ding! Tell em what they’ve won, Alix. You’ve won…boobs! Morgan, remove your top!

Modest to the very last, Morgan disappoints the crowd with a frantic head shake. Alix gets no chance to protest as she has to deal with a healthy and angry Bosley running at her. He poses little problems as Alix swipes out his legs and trips him to the canvas. A pinfall is then made…

ONE!


Bosley kicksout and quickly rolls away from Alix.

BOSLEY
SHIT! GOD DAMN IT!

COLE
Given his terrible temper, Bosley is exact wrong person to face someone like Alix.

The Alpha Male hops to his feet with furious eyes set on Alix who merely smiles sweetly.  This kind smile only further inflames Bosley’s anger and he comes running at Alix with a raised boot. The former world champion catches onto his foot, and slams it down onto the canvas. However, Bosley is able to strike her down with a diving lariat!

BOSLEY
Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!

The former NYPD officer forces Alix over for a pinfall effort…

ONE!

Alix makes a kickout seconds before the two count. She tries to get to her feet, but is promptly stomped down by Bosley, who begins yelling his own brand of crazed insanity at her.  Several more stomps are laid into Alix’s chest before Bosley begins howling into the night. Having drawn out boos from the audience, Bosley lifts Alix off the mat only to slam her back down with a basic body slam.  He follows that up with an elbow that causes Alix to cough in pain. She’s forced down onto her back for a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


No, Alix gets the shoulder up!

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

BOSLEY
SHUT YOUR PIE HOLES!

Face red with fury, Bosley takes off to the ropes. The cables spit him back to Alix who slides forward in an effort to trip him up. But Bosley jumps over her and continues to the other ropes. Coming back, he throws a lariat, but Alix merely ducks it and he’s taken for another run to the ropes.  Bosley bounces off the cables, seeking to hit that lariat.  But Alix stops him with an interesting factoid…

ALIX
Did you know Adolph Hitler was a coprophiluauc which means he had a fetish for women’s feces?

BOSLEY
Why the hell should I care about that?

ALIX
You really shouldn’t. But you should care about this.

Alix spins around and cracks Bosley in the jaw with an elbow! The former NYPD officer stumbles into the ropes, checking his nose to see if its broken. His problems are increased when Alix nails him with a dropkick! He goes toppling over the ropes, landing in front of a vexed CPA. As Alix wiggles her butt to the audience’s delight, CPA helps Bosley to his feet.

ALIX
According to studies 66% of Pet Owners allow their Pets to be in the bedroom during lovemaking. But I assume CPA just keeps you in your cage, Detective Bosley.

BOSLEY
ALL RIGHT YOU ASKED FOR IT! ITS TIME TO BRING ON THE PAIN!

Blinded by fury and rage and anger and every other mad emotion, Bosley speedily slides back into the ring. But the moment he enters the squared circle is the moment Alix slices through his neck with a leg drop.  A pinfall is made…

ONE!


TWO!

Bosley shoves Alix off him.  He gets to his feet, only to have Alix snap on his arm for an irish whip. But Bosley reverses the hold, throwing Alix into the turnbuckles. He snorts like a bull released from its cage and charges forward, aiming at Alix with a shoulder tackle. But Alix slides out the way, and Bosley’s shoulder slams into the ring posts.  Morgan looks pleased on the outside, while CPA looks as bothered as someone as calm and cool as him can look.

COLE
Anglesault has a lot to worry about tonight and the last thing he needs is for his hired hitman to be embarrassed.

The VICE officer falls against the posts, body sagging downward in exhaustion. Alix doesn’t help ease his memory any by surging forward and connecting with a knee to the chin! Bosley’s face goes blank as he sinks down to the canvas.

ALIX
Coochie time!

The crowd doesn’t know what Alix means by that, but they know it must mean something good! As such they erupt with uproarious cheers. Alix doesn’t disappoint as she runs forward and drives her girly area right into Bosley’s face with a bronco buster! She giggles with passionate delight as the she bounces herself on Bosley’s face. The crowd responds with massive cheers, many wishing they were in Bosley’s position at this very moment. Morgan on the other hand averts her bashful eyes.

COLE
Talk about a Youtube Moment.
    
Alix dismounts the detective, leaving him dazed, pleasured and humiliated. Feeling mostly that last emotion, Bosley makes a fast return to his feet. Snarling with his usual rage, he takes a dash at Alix. But The Hollywood Bad Girl is well prepared for his arrival and upends him over the ropes with a back body drop! The crowd cheers and celebrates as Bosley crashes and roll right into Sofa Central!

COACH
Come on, Bosley, remember you’re the Alpha Male!

COLE
The Alpha Male looks like he got neutered.

At Morgan’s impatitent urging, Alix slides out the ring to deal with Bosley. But before she can lay a solitary hand on him, CPA clotheslines her from behind! This earns him shouts of rage from Morgan, jeers from the Indiana crowd, and admonishments from the referee. In typical CPA fashion he plays it all off with a cool expression.

COLE    
This is where the advantage goes to Tango Bosley. Morgan has a lot of heart, but she’s not going to stop Christopher Patrick Allen from doing whatever he pleases.

Bosley shakes off the ill feelings in his head as he comes to his feet. He brings Alix up by her arm and uses that grip on her arm to sling her into the steel steps! Alix slams hard into metal staircase, and shouts out in anguish.  That pain only increases when Bosley runs forward and kicks her in the head with his brown boot.  The hyped up Alpha Male beats his chest like tarazan as the crowd spews hatred towards him.

COLE
Folks, its Heartland Spectacular and its live on HeldDOWN and The Pit and it will be right back!

COMMERCIAL

Heartland Spectacular returns from commercial break with Detective Bosley chucking Alix into the ropes. After she boucnes back, Bosley catches onto her slim waist and strikes her with a Bossman Slam! Alix lurches to the side, clutching her sore back and grimacing in pain.

COACH
Alix is now Serving Hard Time just like her criminal father!

Bosley grabs onto Alix’s tan legs and begins swinging her around her the ring in an airplane spin! When he can take no more spinning he releases Alix, sending hurtling across the ring. Alix lands on the edge of the squared circle, nearest CPA. The former Enterprise member reaches inside the ring and hammers Alix in the face with an elbow. This highly upsets the easily disturbed Morgan, who tries to get the referee to enforce the rules.

COACH
A lot of good Morgan is doing Alix.

COLE
I give her credit for having the courage to be out here, especially given what happened last month at Anglepalooza.

Alix gets to her feet under her own willpower, but has her snow boot held onto by CPA. She tries to yank it away from his unyielding grasp. Taking her eye off Bosley proves costly as the former NYPD officer nails her in the side of the head with a roundhouse kick! Alix falls over onto her back, face slack from the impact of the strong kick. Bosley jackknifes through her for a pin…

ONE!


TWO!

Alix makes the kickout! She’s brought to her feet and whipped towards the corner. Alix catches onto the top rope and floats backwards to try and avoid Bosley’s splash attempt. But Bosley stops short and reaches upwards to nail her with an uppercut! Alix crashes awkwardly into the canvas, causing Morgan and the crowd to recoil in horror.

BOSLEY
Hell yeah~! This is Bosley’s house!

“BOSLEY SUCKS! BOSLEY SUCKS! BOSLEY SUCKS!”

Bosley forces Alix to expend her own energy by making her get to her feet by herself. Once she’s fully upright, the highstrung brawler runs forward with a lariat! But Alix ducks the attack! She swings her foot out for a kick, only to have it caught by Bosley.  The Alpha Male sweeps out her leg, dropping her to the canvas. He laughs at her poor luck before smashing his elbow into her neck. Another pinfall is made…

ONE!


TWO!

Alix lifts her shoulder off the canvas once again!

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

Bosley yells at the crowd for daring to support Alix. This doesn’t go over particularly well with the fans and they blast him with anger. Waving them off he turns around to get a read on Alix, and gets nailed by a spring board spear.

COLE
Straight Outta Compton!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Bosley springs to his feet, and snarls with a feral fury. He lunges at Alix with an elbow, only for Alix to leap into the air and crack his skull with an enziguri! Bosley flops over onto the canvas, landing flat on his back.  Alix positions herself at his side and the crowd readies themselves for their favorite move.

ALIX
Booty time!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COACH
Yes! Yes! Yes!

ALIX


After shaking what the good lord gave her, Alix flips backwards with a moonsault! Buzzlefoxer drops down to his arthritic knees to count the resulting pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

CPA is on the ring apron, doing absolutely nothing but looking menacing and imposing. This is enough to spook Clem Buzzlefoxer into halting his pinfall count.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the fans hiss, while Buzzlefoxer meekly tries to get CPA to leave the apron.

Usually the one who’s meek, Morgan’s face fills with a fiery furor and she runs over to CPA’s location. She grabs onto his ankles, and with all the strength in her little body yanks him off the apron! CPA’s face slams into the apron, knocking him backwards and eliminating him from the contest.

COLE
Great job Morgan!

Less pleased is Bosley, who escapes Alix’s grasp to march to the edge of the ring. He grabs onto Morgan’s blond hair and begins lifting her up onto the ring apron.

BOSLEY
YOU WANNA SCREW WITH BOSLEY? YOU WANNA SCREW WITH THE ALPHA MALE? YOU WANNA MAKE-

Morgan drives Bosley’s neck into the ring cables! She stumbles backwards, watching wide eyed, and with some fright. Bosley stumbles backwards, carrying himself into a side headlock by Alix. The Hollywood Bad Girl sommersaults over and spikes her foe’s neck into the canvas with a neckbreaker!

COLE
Confessions of a Kristaholic!

Alix hooks onto Bosley’s legs for the cover….

CROWD
ONE!


CROWD
TWO!


CROWD
THREE!

DING DING DING

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall….ALIX MARIA SPEZIA!

Alix leaps up to her feet and jumps around the ring in a joyful celebration as California Gurls returns to the arena.

COLE
Angleasault has to be ticked off! This is not the way he wanted to start the Heartland Spectacular.

Alix notices that Morgan isn’t quite the enthusiastic reveler that she is. Therefore she decides to include Morgan in her hyper celebration. She exits the ring and runs over to Morgan. Suddenly Morgan is lifted into the air, and Alix begins singing We Are The Champions.

MORGAN
Put me down!

Alix doesn’t listen to Morgan’s request. Rather she parades little Morgan around the ring, while singing Queen’s mega hit.


TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
TEAM MALIBU VS TEAM ANGLESAULT
WAR GAMES
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return to ringside to find a darkened arena, lit only by the purple spotlight Michael Buffer stands inside.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen it is time for the 2011 Anderson Cup finals!



“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate


Guns N Roses’ cover of Sympathy For The Devil brings with it a mass of jeers from the Indiana crowd. Green and gold lights flicker across the farmscape entrance stage as the entrance doors spread apart. Walking into the arena are the much despised by highly successful Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright. The two men nod to each other in firm commitment to their goal, before heading to the ring.

COACH
Its good to see Mister Moneymaker is okay after taking that Eulogy from Reject earlier this evening.

BUFFER
Representing THE ENTERPRISE they are your Morrison Bracket champions! First, from Washington, D.C., weighing approximately '8 and 1/3 BARS OF GOLD'… CHRISTIAN WRRRRRRRRIGHT!! His tag team partner hails from Vero Beach, Florida and is currently the OAOAST United States champion… THEODORE MMMOOOONNEYMAKER!!!

COLE
Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright have already won an Anderson Cup, can they be the first team to win a second?

Moneymaker and Wright discuss strategy as the anticipation builds for D*LUX’s arrival.

COLE
The LDC Moneygang won the tag titles earlier tonight, with an assist from Reject, and if Moneymaker and Wright win tonight-

COACH
It’s an all Enterprise tag team title match at Anglemania!

COLE
I’m sure that will be conducted fairly. Yeah right!

WELL ITS MIDNIGHT
AND ITS COLDER
PULL YOU CLOSER
I CAN SEE THROUGH
WHEN ITS SUNSHINE
AND ITS SOLAR
AND ITS OVER
GUESS ITS ME AND YOU

BLOOD. BY. SUN. LIGHT.

Lupe Fiasco’s “Solar Midnite” brings out a large roar of delight from the female fans in attendance. Wearing dark blue denim, the teeny boppin’ wonder duo of Tyler Bryant and Shayne Brave rush out onto the entrance stage. They fire up the already frenzied audience, as Maya Duncan-Blanchard joins their side to do the same.

BUFFER
And introducing their opponents! Accompanied by MAYA DUNCAN BLANCHARD! Total combined weight, three hundred seventy nine pounds... the Jannetty Bracket champions... "SHOWTIME" SHAYNE BRAVE... "TREMENDOUS" TYLER  BRYANT... together, they are D*LLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!

COLE
This is it. Do or die time for D*LUX. They’ve dreamed of becoming tag team champions and this Anderson Cup is the key to taking that next step.

COACH
But they gotta get past the current United States champion in Mister Moneymaker and a man that ain’t been beaten in a year. I don’t see that happening.

DING DING DING

Tyler waves on Moneymaker, drawing the ire of the Billion Dollar Heir. The former world champion wants to demolish Tyler, but the undefeatable Christian Wright convinces his boss to let him start. Tyler’s quarrel is still with Moneymaker and he runs over to attack the tycoon. But the money maven jumps off the ring apron, and Bryant is jumped from behind by Wright.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Wright smacks Bryant with a series of lethal European uppercuts. Having weakened Bryant with those blows, CW whips the Detroit native into the ropes.  But Tyler responds with a Yakuza kick that dumps CW to the canvas.  Bryant picks an ailing Wright up and shoots him into the ropes. He lowers his head, which permits Wright with the chance needed to blast him in the chest with a kick.

MAYA
Keep your head up! Both in life and in wrestling, so it’s a literal and figurative piece of advice, which is really the best kind of advice.

Wright bounces off the ropes, expecting to be able to hit a lariat. But Bryant stuns him with a Samoan Drop!

Backstage we see Jade and Spencer watching, neither one trying to display much emotion.

Back inside the ring, Bryant hooks the leg for the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Wright kicksout well before a three count can be made. He’s brought to his feet, but counters any attack plans with a thumb to the eye.

MAYA
No fair!

Bryant is twisted inside a lethal arm wrench. Well as lethal as an arm wrench can be.  With Bryant in agony, Moneymaker demands the tag. However, it isn’t long before Tyler reverses the hold and its CW who’s left in considerable pain. This makes Moneymaker less inclined to tag, despite Bryant inviting him to do so.

“TEDDY’S A PUSSY! TEDDY’S A PUSSY! TEDDY’S A PUSSY!”

MAYA
Hey, some of us aren’t even old enough to see rated R movies. Watch your fucking language!

Bryant shrugs off Moneymaker’s cowardice, and instead guides Wright to his corner. A tag is applied to Shayne Brave, and the audience emits a large cheer as a result.  Brave hammers Wright in a neutral corner with powerful forearms. Thinking Wright dazed, he tries to throw him to opposite corner. But Wright reverses the hold, tossing Brave into the ring posts. CW follows in with a splash, but Brave leapfrogs him! Wright stumbles away from the posts and carries himself directly into the path of a leg lariat!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the fans cheer as Moneymaker frets on the apron.

Brave hooks onto both of Wright’s legs for the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


No!

COLE
Close call there for The Enterprise who is looking to be the first team to ever win two Anderson Cups.

Wright is brought to his feet by Shayne, who tags him with a series of elbows.  These blows don’t do much to help Shayne as Wright connects with a sudden superkick that dumps a groggy Brave into The Enterprise corner.

COACH
That boy got tore up!

Now Theodore Moneymaker calls for the tag, believing his foe to be on the verge of defeat. Wright gives his boss his wish and boos fill the venue. Moneymaker enters the ring, and beats Brave into a neutral corner.  An Irish whip attempt is countered, however, and Moneymaker finds himself backed against the turnbuckle posts. Brave emits a war cry-

MAYA
Don’t do that again.

And with an apologetic expression darts across the ring. But Moneymaker fends him off with a raised red boot. Brave stumbles away and Moneymaker sniffs blood in the water. He charges at his foe, but is caught with a dizzying tornado DDT!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

As Jade and Spencer watch with guarded emotions backstage, another pinfall is made…

ONE!


TWO!


Moneymaker pops out of the lateral press. He gets to his feet under his own will power, but is harassed by Brave who strikes him in the jaw with a series of punches. Moneymaker’s only means of defense is to shove Brave away into the ropes. When Brave bounces back Moneymaker lashes out with a lariat. But he’s dragged down by a backslide pin from the quick moving Brave…

ONE!


TWO!

Moneymaker falls out the pin! He turns panicked eyes onto the referee, and his lips spew complaints about a fast count. He’s given more than that to worry about as Brave begins stomping him in the head. After weakening The Billion Dollar heir with the stomps, Brave guides him upright. He hauls him into his corner where he applies the tag with Tyler Bryant!

“WE LOVE TYLER! WE LOVE TYLER! WE LOVE TYLER!” the girls in attendance chant.

COLE
The girls love D*LUX because of their looks, the guys love them because of their skills, but everyone loves them because of their heart.

Bryant staggers Moneymaker with a pair of right hands. With the US champion out on his feet, Bryant takes to the ropes. But he gets to close to CW, and The God Child pulls down the ropes, causing him to take a nasty spill to the outside!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

WRIGHT
SILENCE!

Bryant rolls on the outside mats in front of Sofa Central in serious anguish. Maya goes to check on him, but she’s warned off by Theodore Moneymaker, who has exited the ring.

COACH
That’s right, Mister Moneymaker, stay right on him. Make sure we get an all Enterprise tag team title match at Anglemania.

Moneymaker lifts Bryant up into the air in a gorillia press position.

COACH
Look at that strength! Looks, money, strength, he’s got it all!

Moneymaker drops Bryant chest first onto the announce table.  Bryant howls in pain, and stumbles away from Moneymaker. He falls onto the ground in front of Maya, who immediately attends to his wounded condition.

Backstage Jade watches nervously as Spencer watches with a blank and hard to read stare.

COLE
This is a no win situation for Spencer Reiger, either face your girlfriend’s tag team, or face your bosses who will expect you to drop the titles.

Bryant crawls back into the ring, albeit very painfully. He can get no further than a neutral corner before he’s hit by a series of stomps from Moneymaker.  Referee Charles Robinson backs Moneymaker away, causing the billionaire to offer him a bribe! But before Moneymaker can receive an answer Bryant is back on his feet, fighting with right hands. Unfortunately his comeback is halted by a throat thrust from the US champion. Angered over Bryant’s resiliency, Moneymaker blasts him with a parade of knife edge chops.

COLE
Everything is on the line here in America’s Heartland. The future of the tag team division is being decided in this match.

Moneymaker tries to throw Bryant across the ring, but Bryant reverses and attempts to hit a short arm lariat. However, Moneymaker ducks and Bryant slams himself into the corner.  The boybander stumbles backwards, and finds himself caught in the Bank Vault! The fans react with horrified gasps, as Wright gloats over the impending victory for his unit.

COACH
All Enterprise tag team title match! I can’t wait!

Thankfuly, before any true danger can be posed by the attack, Shayne Brave breaks it up with an elbow to the back of Moneymaker’s head.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the relieved fans cheer, as Maya worries over having almost had a heart attack.

Moneymaker is none to pleased with Brave’s interference and loudly lets the Detroit native know that revenge shall soon be coming. The Billion Dollar Heir stares daggers at Brave as he grabs onto Bryant’s legs and spreads them apart. He then stomps him right in the kibbles and bits! Bryant howls out in misery, as we cut backstage to find Jade complaining to Spencer.

COLE
What can Spencer say? That’s his girl’s team but that’s his boss as well.

Moneymaker takes a leisurely stroll to his corner where he slaps the hand of Christian Wright.

“CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS!”

WRIGHT
SIL-

MONEYMAKER
Christian, allow me. SILENCE

WRIGHT
Well said!

With Teddy smiling over having shushed the audience, CW drops onto Bryant for the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


Kickout! Wright decides that the energy Bryant expended kicking out makes another pinfall worth repeating…

ONE!


TWO!

Bryant throws his shoulder off the canvas, leading the crowd to applaud his grit and determination. The boybander is lifted off the canvas and nailed in his thin midsection with a pair of knees. Wright then attempts an Irish whip, but Bryant counters the hold and throws The God Child into the ropes.  Bouncing back, CW slides beneath an elbow from Bryant. The Detroit native spins around and encounters a slow moving haymaker from Wright. He blocks the blow with his forearm, and fights back with a hard punch of his own.  He stuns Wright with another blow, and then backs into the ropes. But he’s caught with a blow to the head by Moneymaker. Furious, Bryant turns around to attack Moneymaker only for the US champion to grab onto his head and drive his neck into the ropes! Bryant hacks and wheezes on his feet, and is then brought to the canvas by dangerous release German Suplex!

COACH
That, Mikey, is called great teamwork.

COLE
Its also called an illegal move.

Wright backs into his corner and tags in his partner in corporate crime, Theodore Moneymaker. The Billion Dollar Heir swaggers into the ring with a haughty smile.  He watches with contempt as Bryant struggles to get to his feet. Once fully upright, Moneymaker tags him in the jaw with a pair of punches. He stops to insult all three of Bryant, Brave, and Maya before returning to the task hammering Bryant with punches. He then stabs Bryant in the gut with his red boot, allowing him to stuff him into a head scissors. Moneymaker makes the money finger gesture and then lifts Bryant into the air in set up for a powerbomb. But, Bryant counters by wheeling backwards and throwing Moneymaker forward with a hurricanrana!

COLE
Theodore Moneymaker went big and he paid big!

COACH
If he had hit that powerbomb this match would have been done with.

Moneymaker is dizzied and in dire need of a tag. Also in search of reprieve from his partner is Bryant.  The two men are determined to get to their corners, fighting through all pain to do so.

“TYLER! TYLER! TYLER!” the fans chant, as we cut backstage to see Jade chant the same thing while Spencer watches with that same vauge expression.

Much to everyone’s surprise and delight, Bryant reaches his corner well before Moneymaker does. As such the tag is made to Shayne Brave, and the fans erupt with fantastic cheers. Realizing, he can’t get to his corner, Moneymaker hurriedly hops to his feet to fight off Brave.  He whips Showtime into the ropes, but is caught with a dropkick as Brave returns.  The Detroit native points to a cheering Maya, then hits a standing moonsault onto Moneymaker. The referee makes the resulting pinfall count….

ONE!



TWO!


Moneymaker powers out the pinfall.

Moneymaker is thrown into the corner, and finds Shayne charging him with a shoulder tackle. But Moneymaker slides out the way, and Brave slams into the ringposts!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

COLE
Could that be it for the momentum D*LUX had built?

COACH
I sure hope so. We’re basically looking at Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright as two time tag team champions!

Shayne stumbles back into a back suplex set up by Moneymaker. But the boybander uses his incredible agility to flip out the hold! Moneymaker quickly swings around to get a hold of Shayne. However the only thing he gets is a Shaynedrop (Snapmare driver)!

COLE
That’s it!

Shayne goes for the pinfall, as the crowd readies themselves to celebrate a HUGE victory….

CROWD
ONE!

CROWD
TWO!

Colin Maguire Junior yanks Robinson out the ring!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

This does not please, Maya in the slightest. As such she rushes over to CMJ and begins yelling at him over his interference. Unable to mount a decent counter argument to child prodigy, CMJ employs more brutish tactics of grabbing onto Maya’s shirt and threatening her! Backstage, Jade is outraged and loudly complains to Spencer who holds his hands up and tries to come up with excuses for CMJ’s behavior.

COLE
Come on, she’s just in highschool!

Thankfully, CMJ is separated from Maya by a sliding Shayne Brave. Unthankfully, Brave is then chucked into the steel steps by Christian Wright. Brave grimaces in pain as he’s thrown back into the ring by The God Child. Wright reaches into the ring and places Moneymaker atop the dazed and wounded Brave. Robinson returns to the ring to count the pinfall….

ONE!


TWO!


Brave kicksout, earning himself a large pop from the capacity audience.  This gains Wright’s ire, and he enters the ring to batter Brave with stomps. But, his assault is called to an end the moment Tyler Bryant begins terrorizing him with right hands. With Wright stunned, Bryant is able to bounce off the ropes and crank his neck with a Phantom Neckbreaker!

COLE
Tremendous Tyler is back in this thing!

Moneymaker hops to his feet, and rushes at Bryant. But Bryant catches him a wheelbarrow set up. Moneymaker is lifted into the air, and Shayne comes running in with a Diamond Dust! The crowd puts forth a wealth of cheers as Moneymaker’s lifeless body flops onto its back.

COLE
D*LUX Capacitor!

Brave leans back across Moneymaker for the pinfall…

CROWD
ONE!


CROWD
TWO!


CROWD
THREE!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
They’ve done it!

Maya rushes into the ring, in a jubilant mood over the amazing victory her team has pulled out! She joins in an overjoyed hug of triumph with Shayne and Tyler. Seconds later, Jade Rodez-Duncan is added to hug, bringing forth warm smiles from the group and tears from the girls.

COACH
This is terrible.  I don’t understand how The Enterprise could lose. They’re The Enterprise!

Wright rants in the verbose style he’s known for on the outside, as CMJ sits back against the guardrail and stares on in a depressed wonderment. Backstage, Spencer Reiger runs his hands through his brown hair and slowly exhales.

COLE
I think Spencer Reiger realizes what this means. He has to face Jade’s team at Anglemania!

No longer lost in the moment, Jade seems to realize the same thing and her enthusiasm is severely tempered.  Thankfully the attention is no longer on her, as the Anderson Cup is being brought into the ring along with Indianapolis Colt Austin Collie.

BUFFER
Here to present the 2011 Anderson Cup, Indianapolis Colt AUSTIN COLLIE!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

AUSTIN
Guys, congratulations on your victory. Best of luck to you at Anglemania.

Shayne and Tyler are handed their coveted Anderson Cup. The girls step back and let them have their moment as they raise the trophy high into the air. Their smiles are the widest a smile can be, as sheer pleasure floods over their body.

“D*LUX! D*LUX! D*LUX!”

COLE
D*LUX is one step closer to their dream of being tag team champions!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We come back live just in time to see Mr. Dick and Malaysia climb over the guardrail, grab a mic and enter the ring.

MISTER DICK
Enough of the kids stuff.
(holds up HLS sign)
As the sign says, I came for the HLS. It’s well past the family hour so let’s get on with the Hot Lesbian Sex.

COLE
The what?!

MISTER DICK
Bring the girls out. And they better be hot too. I don’t want some worn down stripper.

Instead of girls, MD gets OAOAST broadcaster and agent TERRY TAYLOR.

MISTER DICK
Unless that’s a well put together costume and there’s really a broad underneath, ya better get your ass outta here. Bring me the hot lesbians!

TERRY
Dick, there are no lesbians.

MISTER
Oh, hell no. Hell no! You guys advertised hot lesbians.

TERRY
No, Dick, the HLS stands for Heartland Spectacular. There never were plans for hot lesbian sex.

MISTER DICK
This is some bullshit, Terry. I expected to be apart of some hot action. To think I had my favorite brand of lube flown in from Southeast Asia for what I thought was going to be a special occasion.

COACH
They make lube in Southeast Asia?

MISTER DICK
Well, guess the only thing left to do is create some action. Malaysia.

Given the signal, Malaysia lifts Terry up in a Canadian backbreaker.

COLE
Oh, no. Canadian backbreaker piledriver coming up.

COACH
And Terry has a history of neck issues, Cole. It’s what forced him into retirement. This could cripple him.

Thankfully the underappreciated OAOAST superstar DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW makes the save and decks Malaysia!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

MISTER DICK


MD charges Deuce and is pressed slammed for his trouble.

COLE
It looks like Mr. Dick got the hot action he wanted after all. He just didn’t know it’d come from the Flaming Gigolo, who prior to the HLS going live on the air was part of a tag match with Jumbo.

Deuce pummels MD in the corner when Malaysia jumps on his back.

COACH
No better lays a finger on Malaysia’s man, Cole

Malaysia gouges Deuce’s eyes when she’s yanked off by JUMBO.

COLE
It’s Jumbo!

COACH
This isn’t fair, Cole. It’s 4 against 2 now.

Jumbo clubs Malaysia across the back as MD pulls out his favorite brand of LUBE.

COLE
He’s got the lube!

COACH
I’ll take something you wouldn’t expect to hear on a wrestling show for $200.

Jumbo bumps into Deuce and shoves him down as MD squirts the lube their direction, which catches Jumbo right in the eye!

COLE
No, not in the face!

Jumbo squirms like a worm as MD and Malaysia flee the scene. Deuce and OAOAST officials rush to Jumbo’s aid, but the damage has been done.

COACH
Well, you know what they say about doing it too much making you blind. *laughs*

COLE
This is no time to make light of a serious situation. Ladies and gentlemen, we need to take a break. Hopefully we’ll have an update on Jumbo’s condition before we go off the air. If not, we’ll have something for you next week on HeldDOWN~! Folks, we'll be back with more Heartland Spectacular.

THE MAINEVENT IS NEXT
WAR GAMES
TEAM MALIBU VS TEAM ANGLESAULT
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Vs


(not pictured is Bruce Blank due to the fact I can't find any good pictures)

Anglesault grabs a microphone from Michael Buffer.

COLE
Anglesault already got told off by Maya the last time he was out here, I don’t think he should keep pushing his luck.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ANGLESAULT
Shut up! I don’t have anything to say to you bone heads, and the only thing you should be saying to me is thank you. Thank you for founding this company so that you may watch the most spectacular entertainment spectacle known to man. And I say you’re welcome, and we leave our conversation at that. Zack I see your plan, hide behind a middle aged woman, an elderly redneck, a philander, and a sociopath and pray to god that you don’t have to enter this ring and suffer the beating you so richly deserve! Zack I am challenging you to man up, step, and nut up, and start this contest against the world champion, my nephew, and best damn performer in this company today, Jason Silver.

Silver leans into his uncle’s microphone.

SILVER
Hold on, Uncle 'Sault. Zack I’ll get to submitting you at Anglemania, there’s no rush to speed up your inevitable demise and defeat, preppy boy. I’ve got unfinished business with one of your partners, Miss Krista Isadora Duncan. Even though you’re a bitch, Krista, you’ve still got a bigger set than Malibu, so how about stepping in that ring with Rocksault so I can make you tap out once and for all.

Malibu checks with Krista who agrees to enter the squared circle and face Silver.

COLE
Here we go with an Anglepalooza rematch between two heated rivals!

DING DING DING

Silver runs across the ring with a lariat aimed at Krista’s head. The blond bombshell ducks the attack, and Silver is forced to bounce off the ropes. When he returns, Krista attempts to hip toss him to the canvas. But Rocksault lands on his feet. This is no problem for Krista, who swings her arms around his neck to drive him into the canvas with a neckbreaker!

COLE
Krista and Jason Silver haven’t much love or respect for one another and I couldn’t think of two better combatants to start this contest.

Krista scrapes Silver off the canvas and shoots him into the corner.

KRISTA
Boobie bombs! Attack!

Krista rushes across the ring, and leaps into the sky to strike Silver with her ample chest! Silver sees stars and dizzily stumbles out from the corner.

COLE
She’s wasn’t kidding those things can kill you!

COACH
What a great death that would be.

Attempting to take advantage of Silver’s weakened state, Krista clamps down on his chin from behind. She seeks to go for her old reverse x-factor finisher. But Silver recovers in time to shift beneath Krista and catch her onto his shoulders. Krista kicks and wiggles as if her very life depended on escaping. As such she’s easily able to free herself from Silver’s bonds. Landing behind Silver, Krista is able to collar him within a bulldog set up. However, before this move can be executed Silver succeeds in shoving Krista into the ropes. There’s little time for Silver to catch his breath as Krista comes back to floor him with a shoulder tackle! She runs the ropes and as Silver begins sitting up, she returns to strike him in the face with a running knee! Silver falls over onto his back, checking to see if she’s bloodied him.

COACH
She stole that move from Spencer Reiger!

Krista begins picking Silver off the canvas, but Rocksault stuns her with a rake of the eyes.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

REFEREE EARL HEBNER
Krista, are you okay?

KRISTA
Oh, I’m fine.

HEBNER
Oh. Good.

KRISTA
Fine means my eyes are in searing agony! Help me, you damn bastard!

Silver clubs Krista in the back before she can fire off any more complaints. He then guides her into the corner, where he slams her gorgeous face into the top turnbuckle. Holding her chin, he shouts a barrage of insults into her that’s only stopped when he snapmares Krista to the ground. Rocksault goes on to grab her leg and drop a series of elbows onto it, causing her to yelp in pain.

COLE
Jason Silver doing the smart thing in targeting Krista’s leg to neutralize her lightening fast speed.

Rocksault begins twisting Krita up into a leg lock. But Krista distracts the wandering eyes of the world champion with a cupping of her mammoth breasts and a fluttering of her bright blue eyes. Stunned by such beauty, Silver is easily kicked back into the corner. This gives Krista the chance she needs to elevate herself onto the second rope, and begin raining down on punches on Silver’s skull.

“ONE!”

“TWO!”

“THREE!”

KRISTA
Oh come on, people. This is America’s Heartland, show some heart in your count, show some spirit! Show some-

SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

COLE
Jason Silver just powerbombed Krista to the canvas!

KRISTA
(painfully]
If I get out of this cage alive I’m going to make all you hoosiers eat shit.

CROWD


While the crowd frets over being forced fed excrement, Krista is brought to her feet by Silver. He chucks her over the ropes between the two rings, but Miss California lands on her feet. This is of no matter to Silver who takes a swing with a lariat at Krista! The four time world champion performs the splits, showing an eye popping amount of panty and avoiding the move. After sliding back into the second ring, she grabs Silver’s legs and drops him to the canvas. Much to his consternation, she slides him between the two rings.

KRISTA
Let me hear you say “otorhinolaryngologist”!

CROWD


KRISTA
It means ear noes and throat doctor, don’t you people ever watch Who Wants to be a millionaire reruns instead of doing such mundane things as raising your children?

Krista shurgs her shoulders then slingshots over the ropes to double stomp Jason Silver in the chest!

COLE
Right in the chest with those high heels!

The count down to the next entrant begins.

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1!!!!!!!!!!

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

Nick Patrick stands in the middle of both teams, and presents the coin for the coin flip. It's a tense moment as both teams stand in wait, with Patrick telling Zack to call it in the air.

MALIBU
Heads!

Both teams stand watching as the coin travels through the air, and into the palm of Patrick's hand.   

PATRICK
Coin lands tails!  Advantage, Team Anglesault!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Each member of Team AS vies to be the next entrant into the contest. All that is except for Pierce Duncan, who tries to leisurely stroll away from the group. He has no such luck as somehow AS decides that he’d be the best person to face off against his elder sister.

“PIERCE SUCKS! PIERCE SUCKS! PIERCE SUCKS!”

COLE
You’ve heard of X-Pac heat, now you have Pierce heat.

Pierce reluctantly enters the ring to find his sister warmly welcoming him inside. Knowing that devious smile all to well, Pierce’s heart fills with dread.

KRISTA
Something tells me this will be like that Tom Green movie where he masturbated that dead horse. Funny for ten seconds, but then midway through you feel guility for laughing, but then you stop feeling guility and you want popcorn. And you know what I already want popcorn.

PIERCE
Hey, let’s at least make a deal. We’re bro and sis, so let’s keep things civil and chill and not hit each other in the face.

KRISTA
Agreed. Let’s shake on it.

PIERCE
You mean it? You’re not going sucker punch me or anything?

KRISTA
You’re my little brother! Why would I do that?

Pierce smiles and approaches Krista for a handshake. He gets one, but he also gets a headbutt in the nose.

KRISTA
You never said anything about a headbutt.

Luckily for Piercey D, the competent member of his team jumps Krista from behind. He furiously batters her with elbows to the back, before stuffing her inside a front facelock.

SILVER
Give me a hand!

PIERCE
I don’t know, bromosexual, she might hit me again. She does that a lot.

SILVER
Shut up, and help me!

Pierce nervously inches close to his sister. He hooks her into a front facelock as well and they begin to lift Krista into the air for a vertical suplex. But Krista counters with a double DDT to the duo!

KRISTA
Booty time!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Krista’s booty rev’s up to full speed, jiggling a mesmerizing bounce that drops jaws, and pants! Krista shakes her BUTT to the very brink of explosion, while many fans are on their own brink of explosion. She then moonsaults back onto Silver, but The Result slides out the way!

PIERCE
Screw this, bro, I’m outta here.

Pierce begins heading to the door, much to Anglesault’s amazement.

ANGLESAULT
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!

PIERCE
I get enough of this crap during Passover.

But Pierce is kept in the ring by Miss California who runs him all way into the corner, smashing his head into the corner posts! She tries again, but Pierce blocks it and sends her scurrying away with an elbow. This gives Pierce the idea to climb up to the top rope. But as soon as he reaches the top, his big sister slams into the ropes! The Result is crotched on the top rope, and he literally cries in agony!

COLE
I just want to know what Anglesault was thinking putting Pierce Duncan on his team when you have Tango Bosley and a former professional boxer in CPA.

COACH
The Result gets results, why can’t you understand that?

Currently the only result Pierce is getting is being dropped into a tree of woe position. Luckily for Pierce, help is on the way in the form of Jason Silver. The World Champion clubs Krista down to her knees with hard right hands.

SILVER
WHERE ARE YOUR JOKES NOW?!

“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”

Silver brings Krista off the canvas and sets her up in a back suplex position. But as he begins lifting the Los Angeles native, she backflips out the hold! As the crowd applauds her agility, she grabs onto the back of Rocksault’s head and points at Pierce.

PIERCE
No! No! No! Please, sis, don’t do it!

“DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!”

KRISTA
Thee gods have spoken. Thy crotch must be annihilated.

Krista begins ramming Silver’s head into Piercey D’s groin! Both competitors shriek in agony and horror at the perverse move being inflicted upon them. On the outside, Angleasault holds his hands to his head and wonders where his plan has gone awry.

COACH
This is terrible!

Krista finally frees Silver of his torment and he falls back to the canvas. Krista casually sits on top of him with legs crossed for a pin.

HEBNER
Krista there’s no pinfalls in this match not until every one has entered the ring.

KRISTA
Wait, are you serious? Then why am I even fighting in the first place? I could’ve played cards, or sipped Gin, or licked cards soaked in Gin.

The countdown to the next competitor begins…

TEN!

NINE!

EIGHT

SEVEN!

SIX!

COLE
Team Malibu is up next, and we're going to even things up!

FIVE!

FOUR!

THREE!

TWO!

“ONE!”

The spotlight settles on Malibu’s team, who besides Leon Rodez huddle up. Its decided that Ned Blanchard will enter the contest for the squad. He gets fist bumps from everyone except for Leon, and then heads into the ring.

KRISTA
Hey, Ned, get this, pinfalls and submissions don’t even count until everyone’s in the match. So its just a giant waste of our time. Kind of like watching the MTV Movie Awards.

NED
Nothing's a waste of time when it comes to getting hands on Anglesault’s goons.

Ned marches over to Piercey D, who’s freed himself from the tree of woe.

PIERCE
Wait, I know you, you know me, we had some good times together. Let’s keep it on a chill level, Handsome Hustler.

NED
Kiss my ass, boy!

Ned proceeds to stomp a mud hole in Piercey D and walk it dry! He then grabs Pierce and bring the cowardly Duncan to his feet. He throws him into the ropes, expecting to be able to flap jack him on the return. But Pierce comes roaring back with a lariat that Ned’s forced to duck. Unfortunately Pierce’s lariat connects with Krista, causing her to roll beneath the ropes and attend to her hurt face.

AMBERLYN
That’s it! That’s the way!

COLE
That was an accident.

COACH
I think you take what you can get when it comes to Piercey D.

Pierce is promptly lit up by Ned, who batters him with overhand lefts and rights. But once again Silver comes to Pierce’s rescue, by clipping Ned in the knees. Rocksault shoos the almost useless Duncan away and attaches Blanchard into a torture rack position.

COLE
Could Silver be looking to shoot Ned down with the Silver Bullet?

Ned struggles to fight free of the hold, but his efforts are in vain as Silver slams him into the steel cage with the Silver Bullet!

COLE
Oh my! Right into the steel cage!

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

Silver continues to inflict further harm upon Blanchard; he grinds his face into the steel mesh, bloodying it and infuriating Blank and Malibu. Leon Rodez merely watches disinterested with Morgan clutching onto his arm.

SILVER
This is you, Zack! If you get into this ring, this is what’s going to happen!

Silver finally rips Blanchard away from the steel cage. He batters him with hate filled stomps, as Pierce cheerleads in the background. Tired of stomping, Ned, Silver lifts him up into a front facelock. He drags him to the edge of one ring, and then raises him into the air. From there he suplexes Ned onto the ropes of the second ring.

COACH
Now that dude Rocksault has taken control of this contest.

Silver ushers the perpetually useless Pierce out the way, so that he may run the ropes. After doing so, Silver shoots his body between the second and third rope, and collides with Ned’s head with a devastating shoulder tackle!

COLE
Jason Silver just shot his body like a bullet at Ned Blanchard. This young rookie is impressive to say the least!

Silver smiles at his teammates who give him a hearty round of applause for his showing thus far against the three time tag team champion. Less impressed is the six-time tag team champion, who comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick that connects with the back of Silver’s skull. The champion goes down in a heap, and is left vulnerable to Krista’s stomps.

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

ANGLESAULT
DO SOMETHING, PIERCE!

Pierce does something alright, he begins crawling out the cage the moment his sister lays eyes on him! As Krista marches over to her brother’s haphazard escape attempt, the coutdown begins…

TEN!

NINE!

EIGHT!

SEVEN!

“SIX!”

“FIVE!”

“FOUR!”

“THREE!”

“TWO!”

“ONE!”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

ANGLESAULT
Get in there, Riggs!

James Riggs, always eager to please Anglesault, runs into the ring and goes after Krista, looking to save his partner, but falls victim to a drop toehold for his troubles!  The door locks in front of Pierce, so he does what any brother would do when his older sister overshadows him...he nails her from behind with a forearm as she works Riggs over!  The OAOAST's newest duo then send Krista to the ropes and toss her into the air, watching with glee as the flapjack sends her falling to the canvas!  Meanwhile, in the far ring, Jason Silver has Ned Blanchard down in the corner, pushing his boot into his throat!

COACH
Look at the champ go!  People can cry "handout" all they want, Mikey Cole, but my boy is proving himself here tonight!

COLE
Your boy?  I've never even seen you so much as pass him coming out of the bathroom.  You're as desperate for Anglesault's attention as Silver is for respect!

COACH
Am not!

COLE
Coach, you're wearing an "I <3 AS" shirt from 2002 right now.

COACH
It's vintage!  I thought you knew all about that stuff?

With Krista pinned against the turnbuckles, Riggs takes this opportunity to touch her chest...HARD, with open handed chops!  For every chop that connects, Piercy D. throws up a fist pump for his partner, and then helps send her across the ring to the far corner!  Riggs then takes Pierce and swings him around, Irish whipping him into his own sister with a running lariat, and then Pierce whips her out of the corner, right into a Riggs powerslam!

COACH
Tag team specialists!

COLE
They're special, all right.

With Krista down and Riggs in control, Pierce goes into the other ring and joins Silver in working over Ned...until Ned mounts a comeback, smashing both Silver and Piercy D. in the face with closed fists!  Ned drops Silver with a right hand, then takes Pierce by the head and flings him into the cage wall!  The non-Italian Stallion flops to the canvas after bouncing off the metal wall, but when Ned turns to Silver he's met with a thumb to the eye, and then caught with a belly to belly suplex into the corner!  Ned crashes against the turnbuckles as he sails over Silver's head, while Riggs hits a running kick that knocks Krista through the ropes and into the in-between portion of the rings!  Suddenly, the 10 Second Countdown appears on the AngleTron, and the fans count along, hopeful for a shift in tides now that a member of Team Malibu will be entering the fray.
 
"FIVE!"
 
"FOUR!"
 
"THREE!"
 
"TWO!"
 
"ONE!"
 
The buzzer sounds off, and LEON RODEZ starts up the ring steps...but pauses at the door.  Zack and Bruce egg him on, but Leon simply looks back and stares at them coldly, then turns and looks back at the carnage in the ring.  James Riggs calls Leon on, but instead Leon hops off the steps and starts walking to the back!
 
COLE
What the...he's deserting Zack's team!

 
COACH
I know Leon was smart!  He knows better than to risk his career for Zack!
 
The crowd boos wildly, as Zack heads up the aisle to see what the hell is going on.  When approached, Leon knocks Zack's hand away, and the former Usual Suspects have a tense staredown in the aisleway.  No words are said, but Leon looks directly into Zack's eye with a cold stare, then continues back to the locker room!  
 
COLE
I don't believe this.  He's a coward!  Leon Rodez is a coward!
 
Malibu, furious, runs back to the ring and tells Nick Patrick to open the door, and charges into the ring to a HUGE pop!  Riggs runs right at him, but he's floored by a right hand!  Silver and Pierce start to move to the first ring, but Malibu runs the ropes and then launches himself into the air, sailing from one ring to the other with a flying double clothesline, taking out both the Bromosexual and the World Champion!  Zack picks Pierce up and delivers an inverted atomic drop, and Pierce staggers around right into his sister, who applies a TESTICULAR CLAW~!
 
COACH
That's incest!  
 
COLE
I guess that's how they played doctor in the Duncan household!
 
Pierce cries and begs for his sister to release her death grip on his gonads, but she holds him firmly in place for Zack to his a SCHOOL'S OUT!  The lights go out in Pierce's head, while Ned Blanchard dives off the turnbuckle into Ring 1, nailing Riggs with a flying clothesline!  This leaves Silver to defend himself against not only his arch-rival, but his uncle's most hated nemesis, and together Zack and Krista take turns nailing the champion with right hands, bouncing him around like a Super Ball befor they send him to the ropes and nail a double dropkick!  Meanwhile in Ring 1, Riggs breaks Ned's momentum by running him backwards into the corner, but when Riggs runs at him, he catches a boot to the face, and then gets bulldogged by Ned!  With the sides even at three members each, Team Malibu starts to take control of the match, much to the delight of the crowd!
 
COLE
These fans are on their feet, and the resistance is rallying!
 
COACH
Resistance?  What resistance?  That's gotta be the lamest name in OAOAST history.  The only thing these clowns are resisting is the chance at a better life if they would just listen to Anglesault and help run Zack outta town!
 
COLE
Haven't you ever heard of free will, Coach?
 
COACH
I seen 'em both, and they both sucked.  I ain't never seen no whale go jumpin' around like a House of Pain song was on.  Lying Disney bastards.
 
COLE
Free Willy wasn't a Disney movie, Coach.
 
COACH
They lied about that too?
 
COLE
::slaps forehead::
 
Back to more important things, namely the match!  Anglesault shouts at his charges, while Cortez and Bo look on in anticipation, knowing their time is coming shortly.  In the ring, Riggs gets whipped into the ropes and hit with a spinebuster from Ned, while Krista rakes her brother's face back and forth against the cage wall!  Zack traps Silver in the corner and unleashes some blistering chops, and that's the point where the countdown begins again!
 
COLE
Team Anglesault will be back to having the advantage here, and will it be the newly crowned Heartland Champion Todd Cortez, or the Metrosexual Monster who enters the fray?
 
When the buzzer sounds, it's Cortez who heads for the door, rushing in and hitting a forearm across the back of Ned's head!  Todd then takes Ned and hurls him into the cage wall, and with Ned half-hanging over the top rope, that's when Todd produces his trusty fork, and starts to dig into the flesh of Ned Blanchard!
 
COLE
Dear God, he certainly didn't wait long!
 
Ned shrieks in pain, as Anglesault taunts him from the floor.  Bo just smirks as his cohort jams the sharp jagged ends of the utensil into the OCC members head.  Zack and Krista try to fight their way into the ring, but Riggs has now joined Pierce and Silver in Ring 2 with them, and Team Anglesault mounts a comeback and forms a wall, beating down both of the former World Champions!  Krista manages to hit a low blow on Silver, while Zack hits one on Riggs!  Thinking quickly, Pierce hits a low blow on Krista, but she just turns to look at her brother incredulously, watching as his face goes white before she grabs him by the head and starts biting on his nose!  The crowd roars, but Pierce pushes her away in a panic, leaving her prone to a spear from Riggs~!  Riggs gets up, but Malibu hooks him for a German suplex...only to have Riggs fire an elbow into his cheek, which stuns Malibu long enough for Cortez to duck into the ring and hit a HOLLOW POINT~!  With Ned Blanchard down in Ring 1, Zack and Krista are easy pickings for their four foes, and Cortez goes to work on Malibu, carving his forehead open with the fork!
 
COLE
This is disgusting!  God damn disgusting!
 
The crowd gasps as their hero begins to bleed, and Anglesault grips the wall of the cage, peering in and telling Malibu "that's what you get!".  
 
Pleased with the back-alley surgery he's just performed on Zack's forehead, Cortez pulls away, then stomps the back of Zack's head for good measure.  A groggy Ned Blanchard pulls himself to his feet with the help of the ropes, but Cortez lunges over the ropes that seperate the rings, and jabs him in the forehead to keep him at bay!  Riggs and Pierce go into Ring 1 and work Ned over, keeping him on the mat by stomping him down, while Silver drops Krista with a neckbreaker, then rolls her onto her stomach and locks on the SIXTEENTH MINUTE!
 
COLE
Team Malibu is in a bad way right now!
 
With Anglesault's team taking advantage of the numbers game, it's a relief to everyone when the countdown clock starts going off again, meaning that Bruce Blank will have his chance to enter the contest!
 
COLE
One of the most brutal, vile human beings to ever compete in the OAOAST is about to enter the ring, and he's going to get CHEERED for it!  I never thought I'd see the day where the people got behind Bruce Blank!
 
"FIVE!"
 
"FOUR!"
 
"THREE!"
 
"TWO!"
 
"ONE!"
 
The buzzer sounds, and the crowd explodes when big Bruce walks through the door!  Riggs and Pierce charge immediately, but they're both grabbed and felled by a double chokeslam, as if they were nothing!  Silver breaks his hold on Krista and gets up, ready to fight with the one man Redneck Wreckin' Crew, but he eats a big boot!  Cortez lunges with the fork, but Bruce catches the wrists and winks at his old Wildcard partner before picking up up, pressing him over his head, and launching him into the cage wall!  
 
COACH
Look at this psycho!  He should be locked up in a cell somewhere!
 
COLE
Where do you think he is right now!?
 
Zack, who is slouched in the corner, is checked on by Bruce, and nods that he's OK.  Silver gets up and nails a right hand, but Bruce no-sells it, then takes Silver by the throat and hurls him into the corner!  Bruce then avalanches the World Champion, and Silver comes out of the corner and flops face first to the canvas, much to the delight of the sold out crowd!  Cortez staggers to his feet, on the area between the cage wall and the ropes, and Malibu comes bursting out of the corner, hitting a ZACK ATTACK II on the "Urban Legend", jamming him against the cage wall!  
 
COLE
It is total carnage in the ring!
 
Piercy D. comes into the ring and nails Bruce from behind, then jumps on his back and tries to apply a sleeperhold, but Bruce snapmares him onto his ass!  Pierce panics as Bruce stalks him, but it's a worthy distraction as Silver is able to kick Bruce low from behind, dropping the big man to his knees!  Silver holds Bruce's arms back so that Pierce can get a few shots in, but that's stopped by Krista, who yanks her brother to the canvas!  She then grabs a mount and starts hammering on him, while Pierce frantically tries to cover up and shield the blows!  Zack brings Cortez up, still in the area between the ropes and the cage wall, and starts nailing him with right hands before shooting his shoulder into Cortez's ribcage several times as well!  Team Malibu is on the offense, and now the buzzer sounds to mark the arrival of the last participant.  Bohemoth calmly removes his shades and hands them to Anglesault, and heads up the stairs into the ring.
 
COLE
The last man in the match, and the last man for Team Anglesault, big Bo!
 
COACH
It's all over now, Mikey Cole!
 
The Metrosexual Monster enters the ring, and with bodies everywhere, he walks in fuming, only to be met by Blank, who steps over the ropes and into Ring 1.  The two beasts stand face to face, and Bo takes the first shot, knocking Bruce for a loop!  Bruce absorbs the impact and then nails Bo with a shot of his own, and then Bo shoots low for a takedown, but winds up running Blank against the ropes!  Bruce hammers Bo across the back, but when he goes after him, he has a knee driven into his gut!  Bo then hits the ropes and nails a hard lariat that knocks Bruce backwards, and the hardcore giant falls into the ropes, his arms getting trapped!
 
COACH
YES!  YES!  Get 'em, Bo!
 
Ned Blanchard comes to the aid of Blank, pulling Bo away and firing off on him, but Bo shoves him into the ropes and nails a spinebuster on him!  Riggs comes over and he and Bo both beat on Bruce, while in Ring 2 Silver makes the save for Cortez, nailing Zack from behind while Pierce rubs his sister's face into the middle turnbuckle!
 
COLE
That could be the game changer!  Bruce has been isolated from his team, and his team is systematically being broken down!  
 
With Bruce still tied in the ropes, Bo runs the ropes and hits a running Yakuza kick to his face, leaving Bruce with no way to try to deflect the blow!  Blood trickles from the nose of the hardcore superstar, as Bo throws hiim to the wolves, allowing Riggs to take over on him while he enters Ring 2!  He gently pushes Pierce away, pulling Krista up, and the weary former World Champion gets hoisted into the arms of Bo...AND LAID OUT WITH THE EROTIC AWAKENING OF B~!
 
COACH
Hey Krista, I hope it was as good for you!
 
COLE
He just nearly bent her body in half with that move!
 
COACH
It's OK, I hear she's pretty flexible.
 
Bo gets up, and Silver has Malibu by the head, hurling him towards Bo and right into a front spinebuster!  Bo pounds his chest and hugs Silver, as the crowd boos loudly.  Anglesault applauds his charges, as Silver rolls Zack onto his stomach and applies THE SIXTEENTH MINUTE!
 
COACH
This is it, Mikey Cole!
 
COLE
C'mon Zack!  
 
The agonizing cries of Zack Malibu are heard throughout the arena, as the blood from his forehead stains the forearm of the World Champion.  Cortez has now entered Ring 1 with his fork in hand and stabs it into Bruce's forehead, as Team Anglesault is working hard to get the submission from a member of Team Malibu!
 
COLE
It can't end this way!  All these months, all the attacks, and now Anglesault could have complete control over Anglemania!
 
COACH
He damn well should!  It's his company!
 
All of a sudden, fans start standing, their focus being taken away from the match and towards the aisleway.  Those same fans then start buzzing, and cheering...
 
COACH
What's going on?  Why are they...
 
COLE
...look!  LOOK AT THIS!
 
A roar comes over the crowd, as LEON RODEZ, steel pipe in hand, is power-walking down the aisle!  
 
COLE
Leon Rodez is back!
 
COACH
He can't go in there!  He gave up!  He forfeited!  He...he...
 
COLE
He's got a pipe in his hand, Coach...you go argue with him!
 
Rodez motions for the referee to open the cage door, which is done despite the protests of Anglesault!  Immediately, James Riggs runs for him, and he catches the pipe to the gut, doubling him over!  Pierce runs at him next, and Rodez drives the pipe into his throat, sending him to the canvas as well!  
 
COLE
Leon Rodez is cleaning house!  Listen to these fans!
 
Leon looks around him, then looks straight ahead as Bo enters the ring.  Leon backs up a step and, in a move that shocks everyone...puts the pipe down!?
 
COLE
What the...what's he doing?
 
Bo looks confused, as Leon looks down at the pipe, then at Bo, as if he wants him to pick it up.  Bo laughs it off, not falling for it, and shoves Leon, who does nothing except catch his balance so that he doesn't fall over!  Bo mocks Leon, daring him to hit him, and he shoves him again...SO LEON THROWS POWDER IN HIS EYES!
 
COACH
That son of a bitch!
 
Leon then quickly grabs the pipe again, striking Bo in the ribcage, then wrapping the pipe around his neck and snapping him to the canvas with a Russian legsweep!  
 
COLE
Leon Rodez is saving the day for Team Malibu!
 
With Leon's methods helping to turn the tide, Ned unhooks Bruce from the ropes, and the battle continues with the sides now evened up!  Bruce gets up and goes right after Bo, rocking him as the well-dressed warrior gets to his feet!  Ned crotches Pierce on the ropes and rocks it up and down, sending Pierce for a ride that he's not likely to forget anytime soon!  Leon enters Ring 2 and tackles Cortez, and the Heartland Champion is now getting hammered by The Fallen Idol!  The crowd is behind Team Malibu as all five members pair off with their rivals, and Anglesault kicks the guardrail, screaming at his team to take over again!  Rodez hooks Cortez's legs and tries to roll him into a Liontamer, but Cortez kicks him off!  Cortez uses the momentum to roll backwards and get to his feet, and Leon eats a thrust kick when he moves towards him, then gets drilled with an URBAN ASSAULT~!
 
COACH
Looks like Leon's rise to power was short-lived!
 
Bruce works Bo over, until Pierce and Riggs pounce on him, doubling up on him and backing him into the corner!  Pierce runs at him, but Bruce puts a boot in his face...only to get speared into the corner by Riggs before he can get out of it!  Riggs throws his hands up in celebration, but that leaves him prone and oblivous to Ned Blanchard coming up behind him, and nailing his trademark Sleeper Suplex!
 
COLE
Angel's Venom by Ned Blanchard!  
 
Ned gets up, but he's immediately blasted by Bo, who hits a lariat so hard he falls forward into it, taking himself off his own feet!  Bo gets up, but then he finds himself seeing stars, as Krista Isadora Duncan gives him a lesson in KIDology, driving the Metrosexual Monster's face into her knees!  
 
COACH
Everyone's pickin' off everyone!  It's like Compton, minus the guns and hoopties!
 
Krista comes up smiling, but her brother yanks her back by the hair, and hits her with a Lightning Spiral!  Fist pumps and jumping are in order for the over-enthusiastic Piercy D., until Zack hooks a sleeper and plants him with a TRENDSETTER~!  Not even two seconds after he gets back to his feet, Silver pulls Zack up onto his shoulders and drops The Franchise with a SILVER BULLET, and the ring is a mess of bodies with only Silver and Cortez left with any semblance of energy left in them!
 
COLE
The domino effect is in full effect tonight!  One after another, members of each team have been taken out!
 
A groggy Leon crawls across the ring, looking for his pipe...but it's found first by Cortez, who takes it and whacks Leon across the back of the head with it!  Leon falls onto his stomach, and Cortez takes the pipe and uses it to apply a modified camel clutch, pressing it against Leon's windpipe as he rears his head back!  Silver hits the ropes and delivers a low dropkick to Leon, planting both feet in his face while Cortez chokes him out!  Together, the two champions of the Anglesault faction work over the most resistent member of the resistance, as Cortez puts Leon's throat on the middle rope, then pulls him up by his legs...allowing Silver to hit the ropes and leapfrog over Cortez, crashing down onto Leon!
 
COACH
I bet Rodez wishes he never decided to play hero now!
 
Leon rolls under the ropes, laying between the two rings, while everyone starts coming to.  Bruce pulls himself up, but James Riggs is waiting on him, and charges the redneck once again with a spear...but Riggs flies through the ropes and crashes into the cage door, rattling it off it's hinges!  Referee Nick Patrick does his best to keep the door in place, before it falls off the cage...but that's EXACTLY what happens when Bruce grabs Riggs in a double handed choke and throws him into the door!
 
COLE
BRUCE BLANK JUST THROUGH RIGGS THROUGH THE CAGE!
 
COACH
DAMN~!
 
The steel door lay broken and bent at ringside, just like James Riggs!  Bruce smiles proudly, but he's hit from behind by Bo and thrown out to the floor, isolating him from the rest of his team!  Bo heads out of the cage after him, and the big man picks up the cage door and presses it over his head, then slams it down across Bruce's back!
 
COLE
Even the steel cage couldn't contain the hatred these ten people have for each other!
 
Bo works over Bruce, but Ned flies out of the doorway with a Thesz Press, making the save for his teammate!  A flood of OAOAST staff rush down to ringside to try to cotain the carnage, but the fans are loving every second of the brutality, even with some of it happening within inches of their faces!  Looking to add to the excitement, Pierce tries to hurl his sister out to the floor, but Krista reverses at the last second, sending Pierce through the ropes and crashing into a pile of OAOAST staff who are going to want bonuses for The Result falling on top of them!
 
COACH
I thought the Lethal Rumble was last month!?  More people have been thrown out of this match than that one!  
 
Krista then comes to the aid of Leon, jumping on Cortez's back, only to have him back his way into a corner and sandwich her, then snapmare her over and follow up with a running kick off the ropes!  Zack comes up to try and help his teammates, but Silver hooks him by the head and delivers a forward suplex, taking him out of the equation once again!  Only Leon remains, and as he gets up he sees Silver working over Zack, only to be spun around and jabbed with the fork by Cortez!
 
COLE
Did Cortez get a bonus for busting everyone open tonight?  That man has spilled more blood tonight than all 11 Friday The 13th movies!
 
COACH
12, if you count Freddy vs. Jason!
 
Leon paws at his face, but as he tries to stop the blood flow, Cortez grabs him by the head and drags him through the ropes, into the area where the rings meet, and the crowd gets a rather uneasy feeling about what's in store.
 
COLE
Don't tell me...he's not going to...
 
COACH
Deja vu, baby!  Make an example of him, Cortez!
 
Just as he did years ago, Cortez hooks Leon in a standing headscissors, and The Fallen Idol can do nothing about it.  Cortez hooks the waist and readies himself for the RIOT ACT PLUS...

*CRACK*

...BUT A SCHOOL'S OUT FROM ZACK MALIBU SAVES THE DAY~!

COLE
Thank God!  Thank God for Zack!

Cortez falls backwards, as Leon scrambles to bring himself up.  As he comes to, he locks eyes with Malibu, and the ex-partners stare silently at each other for a moment before Leon becomes enraged, hitting a running knee to the temple of Cortez as he lay seated against the corner posts in the center of the ring!  Meanwhile, Silver charges Zack, but Malibu ducks the attack, then nails the champion with SCHOOL'S OUT, sending him spinning around into KIDology from Krista...and that sends him staggering back into an ANGLE SLAM~!

COLE
A trifecta hit on Silver, and look at Anglesault!

The company founder tears off his suit jacket and grips the wall of the cage, threatening Malibu with every fiber in his being.  Krista then drags Silver into the middle of the ring and sits on his back...and the vengeful vixen applies Silver's own SIXTEENTH MINUTE submission on him, putting the crowd into a frenzy!  Silver groans and growls, flapping his arms as if he's a bird learning to fly, except he's got no place to go!  Leon works over Cortez, and when Pierce comes running into the ring, Zack dives from one ring to the other with a bodypress to wipe him out!  

COLE
It's down to this!  

Anglesault peers through the mesh wall, telling his nephew not to tap, but it's easier said than done, as Jason Silver's hand hits the canvas multiple times, submitting to his own hold!

DING!  DING!  DING!

The crowd leaps to their feet, and Krista rolls off Silver in exhaustion...but not in the way that some of our more perverted fans are hoping for!  Krista is helped to her feet by Zack, as Michael Buffer makes the official announcement.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners...the team of Bruce Blank, Leon Rodez, Ned Blanchard, Krista Isadora Duncan, and Zack Malibu!

COACH
This sucks.

COLE
I don't think many people share that sentiment with you, Coach.  Team Malibu has won War Games here at the Heartland Spectacular, and they're in full control of Anglemania!

After the bell, Leon has not stopped his assault on Cortez, screaming as he rakes Cortez open with the fork!  Zack rushes over to pull Leon off, but Leon turns around and shoves Zack, and now the two are engaged in another staredown, this one much more intense!

COACH
Oooh, this could be good.

Leon clutches the fork in his hand as if he's ready to strike Zack, while Malibu stands there, just waiting for it.  Instead, Leon just shakes his head and drops the fork, then disappears from the ring, walking away from his teammates without saying a word.

COLE
He might not be the biggest team player in the locker room, but you've got to hand it to Leon Rodez...he came through when he was needed.

COACH
Yeah, he came through all right...he put himself right at the top of Anglesault's hit list after tonight!  This ain't gonna be the last ol' Leon is gonna have to deal with the boss!

As Anglesalt's crew trickles out of the cage to join their brothers on the floor, the CFO of the OAOAST screams and berates them, even shoving his nephew and telling him to walk faster.  Bruce and Ned rejoin Zack and Krista in the ring, and pleasantries are exchanged before they raise each other's arms in victory to another huge pop.

COLE
Another one in the books for the OAOAST, and we thank you fans for joining us!  One of the most brutal battles in OAOAST history has kicked off the road to Anglemania!  For DA COACH~!, I'm Michael Cole...so long everybody!