OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 10/14/10

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

We go straight to the Halloween themed sofa central where a cauldron bubbles and orange "Christmas" lights decorate the announce table.

BRANNIGAN
Hello world! We are LIVE and LOUD for OAOAST HeldDOWN from Hamilton, Ontario!

We pan around the arena to show the frenzied audience

COACH
Its me Da Coach with T-Bod Tony Brannigan. Tony, tonight's show is gonna be great. And here's why:

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
ALIX MARIA SPEZIA VS MALAYSIA

ALSO TONIGHT
SIX MAN TAG TITLES
CUCARACHA KINGDOM VS THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND AND ALEXANDER THE BRUTAL

BRANNIGAN
That is one hell of a line up, I must admit. Can The Last Kings and the newcomer to the OAOAST Alexander The Brutal prove a worthy foe for the longest reigning six man champions in history?


Give me those bright lights, long nights
High rise, over time

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Give me them bright lights, long nights
Party till the sun is rising
High rise, over time
Working till the moon is shining
Hot guys, fly girls
Never thought I'd say
I feel on top of the world
I feel on top of the world Hey

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion....KRISTAAAAA ISSAAAADDDOOOORAAAAAAA DUUUUNNNNCCAAAAAANNNNN!

Krista walks with purpose in her step, ignoring the cheers and chants of the audience.

BRANNIGAN
Last time we saw our world champion she was being kidnapped by the Church of Abdullah.

Krista enters the ring and grabs a microphone.

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

KRISTA
Alright so if you didn’t watch HeldDOWN last week that means you’re in full control of your mental facaulities and not subject to some horrible CIA covert torture operation. But that also means that I have to take time out of my busy schedule of having massive boobs to recap for you. So here goes. For those of you who have already seen HeldDOWN please feel free to stare at the aforementioned massive boobs.

COACH
There are some advantages to having Krista as a world champion after all.

KRISTA
First off I defeated a man so freakishly ugly he looks like a mutated version of Shrek. Second as I opened the trunk to my rental car, a woman who quiete frankly looks like Donkey from Shrek tossed magic pixie dust in my eyes. You say pixie dust I say Landon’s unhealthy outcropping of pubic lice. Thirdly some character named Sandman, and Lucius Soul a man who looks like the crack baby of Jimi Hendrix and Whitney Houston stuffed me in my own trunk and drove away at a speed that I assure you violated Bufflao’s posted speed limits! Thankfully the cops found me before any harm could befall me. Unthankfully they did not take my suggestion to club both men in the kneecaps with their batons, or use said batons for a long over due rectal examinations, or let me use said batons for vaginal examinations on those lonely nights where Alix is sequestered away attempting to create a race of super lizards that sing Gilbert and Sullivan.  So, as you can’t tell because the botox has numbed my face from showing any sort of emotion, I’m pissed. And wouldn’t you be pissed if some police officer denied you a perfectly good dildo? And I’m also pissed about the whole car thing.

BRANNIGAN
The champion is getting fired up.

KRISTA
I know what you’re saying, “But Krista you stuff Terry into the trunk of a car and leave it on the train tracks every third Tuesday of the month” And I respond by saying that I always move the car…sometimes before the train hits him. So I believe I have every right to be pissed off. And what does a wrestler do when he’s pissed off? If you said snort coke and beat his wife, you’ve obviously been following Bosley around too much. The rest of us get well deserved revenge.  The Church of Abdullah is becoming a problem.  So much that I had to cancel my apperance as a guest judge on Dancing with the stars to deal with them properly. And how do you deal with the Church of Abdullah properly? Poison their daily dose of semen with arsenic? Force them to listen to a detailed accounting of my mother’s extensive and highly disturbing sexual escapades? All good answers, but the right answer is so simple an idiot like Coach could’ve guessed it.

COACH
Hey!

KRISTA
I’m simply going to slap them back to the Triassic era and make sure an Allosaurus feasts well on all of them. That’s right I’m challenging them to a match. All 5, 8, 10, 15, how many of them are there anyway? To make it more appealing to their lovely leader, besides the fact that he’ll get to fondle me with out being maced, I’m going to put the world title on the line in an elimination match. I have to eliminate all of you, you just have to eliminate little ol me. And if you do, you’re the world champion, Abdullah. How about that?

La ilaha illa Allah, ha la ili, hay yo
Hili b'Allah, hey, hili bay yo
We getting Arab money
We getting Arab money

Hala sheiki, ha lini falla
Mili ha lan shi inni mala
We getting Arab money
We getting Arab money

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The good Colonel himself appears on stage, wearing the gaudy outfit of a glittery gold prayer robe and a golden cowboy hat. He does a celebratory holy dance to funky beats of his entrance music before producing a microphone.

COACH
Damn, his holiness is looking swank tonight!

BRANNIGAN
Easy to do when you’re taking 10% of every church goers income.

ABDULLAH
My child, how can one with the degrees you have be so lacking in intelligence? How can you possibly believe you could beat all of us? You may defeat one or two but the army will stand. We will hold the line! This is a force united under god and guided by his light. Together we are unstoppable! Each man has paid the price in blood, sweat, and cold hard cash for the right to defeat you and change the course of history!

COACH
You hear that Tony, people are paying for the right to kick Krista’s ass, that’s true hatred right there,

ABDULLAH
The fabric of the universe is ours to weave! There shall be no tears, no sorrow, no suffering, through defeating you we will put an end to all hardships! Your defeat shall bring  a new era of peace into the world! I shall have my Mercedes, my luxurious house in Malibu, and my mega church, because God wants me to have these blessings and he wants me to have your world title. He will not be denied. The Church of Abdullah welcomes your challenge.

KRISTA
Huh? What? I feel asleep after you, a person that believes God cares about professional wrestling title belt, questioned my intelligence. What did you say?

ABDULLAH
I said, we noble warriors of God accept your challenge!

Right as Abdullah goes to leave, Alfdogg steps onto the stage. The OAOAST bench boss earns a solid reaction from the sold out Hamilton crowd.

ALFDOGG
I’m afraid I have to interject. Krista I appreciate your courage and your willingness to get into a good fight.  But I can’t let you into an 8 on 1 fight.

KRISTA
Why not? Christian Wright’s mother enters an 8 on 1 gangbang every weekend.

ALFDOGG
Its bad for business, and its bad for your health. You’re very good at what you do, but when you’re facing an army that includes  Sandman, Logan Mann, and Quiz, and you’re facing them all at once, you can expect to meet a quick end.

ABDULLAH
My army numbers more than eight! We number in the teens in soldiers and the thousands in loyal followers who will go to the ends of the earth to see me become world champion, as God has wished.

ALFDOGG
You have more than eight members? All the more reason for me not to let this match take place.

ABDULLAH
Alfdogg you are a decripit old fool! This is religious discrimination! Someone call the ACLU!  I will go to the highest ranks of authority in this country to protect my religious rights, and my right to win the world title, a title that I repeat God himself has wished me to have.

KRISTA
You gonna talk that shit to God, Alfdoggy dog?

ALFDOGG
I can see neither of you are going to let this go. I’ll allow and elimination match, but Krista you need at least one competent partner.

KRISTA
I pick Batman.

ALFDOGG
Um, I’m afraid he’s tied up in a feud with Mr.Freeze.

KRISTA
Chuck Lidell then.

ALFDOGG
Well..I don’t think we can get him.

KRISTA
Fine, I’ll just use Alix.

ABDULLAH
To defeat the devil’s hand maiden and her sinful lover would most certainly please God and rid the world of all evil.

ALFDOGG
Alix it is. One more thing seeing that this is an elimination match for the OAOAST world title, I figure everyone in the match should have an equal opportunity to win the strap. So whoever gets the final pinfall will be world champion!

ABDULLAH
What?! This is sacrilege! This is not the way god wants it to be! He has demanded that I become the OAOAST world champion and bask in the riches it provides. This is blasphemy onto his wishes! You will suffer dearly for opposing his will! The coming Armageddon will not be kind to you, Alfdogg, you will perish and burn while we in the Church of Abdullah will thrive and survive!

ALFDOGG
Next time you see you god, tell him I’m sorry. Because my word is final.

BRANNIGAN
What a mainevent we now have for Halloween Spectacular! For the first time ever a handicap match for the OAOAST world title! Folks, stay tuned because we've got more developments coming up.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return from break to the sounds of Feel Good Drag and the sight of Holly stomping her way down the entrance ramp. She curses at several audience members before sliding into the ring to stare down a fresh faced youngster.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of ten minutes! Now making her way to the ring, from Sin City, Nevada, she is a three time women’s champion…..HOOOLLLLLLLYYYYYY!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BUFFER
And her opponent from Ottawa, Ontario…DAPHNE SMID!

BRANNIGAN
This young lady could launch her sports entertainment career with a victory over Holly.

DING DING DING

Daphne kindly offers a handshake to Holly to start out the contest.

COACH
She must not know about Holly.

But she soon finds out as Holly spits in her face! Adding injury to insult Holly boots the young girl in the stomach. A pair of elbows follow before Daphne is sent into the ropes. Holly boucnes off the cables herself and when the two meet, Holly levels her foe with an elbow smash. With her opponent prone on her back, Holly smiles and smashes her combat boot into the side of her head!

BRANNIGAN
Fans, that’s not illegal but it show does show a lack of class.

COACH
You must not know about Holly either. Class isn't in her vocabulary.

Holly scoops her foe off the canvas and then guides her to the corner. There she rips off the turnbuckle padding to the protests of referee Clem Buzzlefoxer. Buzzlefoxer is powerless to stop her from bashing her foe’s face against the exposed metal. Holly pulls back Daphne’s hair and showcases her bleeding forehead to the cameras.

BRANNIGAN
Now that should have been a DQ. Within the rules there’s no reason to alter the structure of the ring to give yourself an advantage. I would be like the Cowboys moving the opponent’s field goal post back a few feet.

Holly snapmares Daphne to the ground in order to nearly take her head off with a brutal kick to the skull. Daphne falls over to the ground, and cries from the pain.

HOLLY
Get up bitch!

Realizing that the tear stricken talent won’t be following orders, Holly picks her up and tosses her over the top rope.

BRANNIGAN
Holly is a part of that Church of Abdullah all star team that will take on Chicks Over Dicks at Halloween Spectacular. If she plays her cards right, and the dice roll her way she could be world champion.

COACH
Everyone on that team is dedicated to getting Abdullah the world title.

Having followed Daphne outside, Holly curses out a few fans for no particular reason. Once that’s completed, Holly drags Daphne to the ring steps and lays her head across them. Ignoring pleas for mercy from Buzzlefoxer, Holly leaps onto the ring apron.

HOLLY
This bitch is dead!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Holly jumps off the apron and STOMPS her foe in the head!

COACH
Dayum that was nasty!

Holly taunts the nearby audience members as her foe continues crying in pain. Once annoying the fans grows tiresome, Holly returns to her foe and throws her inside the ring. Holly crawls back inside herself, as her foe tries to slide away.

HOLLY
You’re not going anywhere, bitch!

Holly stomps Daphne in the THROAT repeatedly until she’s backed away by Buzzlefoxer. Shoving her way past the referee, Holly marches to Daphne in order to pull her off the mat. But much to Holly’s irritation, Daphne fires off spirited round of punches to Holly’s face.

BRANNIGAN
The youngster has got some fight left in her!

All that fight is sapped out of her the moment Holly headbutts her in the nose!

CRAAAAAAAAAACK!

BRANNIGAN
Oh god!

Daphne goes down in a heap with blood spilling freely from her nose. Holly prepares to further her anguish, but is stopped short by Buzzlefoxer, who calls for the bell.

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a TKO, HOOOLLLLLYYYYYYY!

Boos fill the air as Holly stands above her bloodied victim, owner of a cruel smirk.

BRANNIGAN
That just isn’t right. Holly didn’t try to win the match she tried to injure her opponent and that’s not the spirit of this sport. Fans. stick around we still have six man titles to defend and Alix will face Malaysia in tonight's mainevent.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

BRANNIGAN
Welcome back to OAOAST HeldDOWN~! fans. Right now let's send it back to Terry Taylor for an update. Terry?

Backstage, we find Terry Taylor stood by, as in the background, a trainer is checking out King Landon. With his eyepatch lifted over his head Landon sits cringing as the trainer tries to shine a light into his eye. The cringing doesn't seem to sit well with James Blonde, who snipes at the trainer to "be careful" and "take it easy" and such, clearly concerned for his King.

TAYLOR
Alright thanks Tony, Terry Taylor here backstage and the news I'm getting is that King Landon will NOT be competing here tonight in the World 6-Man Tag Team Title match. The match will go ahead as planned and if Landon doesn't compete, then OAOAST officials will allow him to name a replacement and will grant that replacement the right to defend the titles, for one night only. And the word I'm getting is that, it looks like, the hired Japanese hitman Daisuke Motozaki will be filling in for the King. And if that's the case, that certainly nullifies the size and power advantage that the challengers Alexander The Brutal and The Last Kings Of Scotland would have had if Landon were in the match. If there's anymore news I'll update you further. Back to you.

COACH
What a blowhard. "Landon's hurt, Motozaki's in instead." Would that have been so hard?

::Cue::

GO!

To un-explain the unforgivable,
Drain all the blood and give the kids a show.
By streetlight this dark night,
A séance down below.
There are things that I have done,
You never should ever know!

And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Entrance doors spread apart, and bring out


Morgan Nerdly, modestly dressed in black pants and a blue and white striped shirt. She holds her head down and nervously approaches the ring.

BRANNGIAN
Now this is unusual. We don’t often see Morgan without Leon Rodez leading her around, and we certainly don’t see her in the ring when she’s not wrestling.

Morgan surprises everyone by grabbing a microphone.

BRANNIGAN
And we certainly don’t ever see Morgan cutting a promo.

MORGAN
Um, hello. I’d like to speak about Jade.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

MORGAN
Um, well, you all think she’s better than her uncle Leon.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

MORGAN
But, that’s not true!

“JADE IS BETTER! JADE IS BETTER! JADE IS BETTER!”

MORGAN
Please stop.

“JADE IS BETTER! JADE IS BETTER! JADE IS BETTER!”

MORGAN
I said STOP!

CROWD


MORGAN
Um, Jade is very good and stuff, but Leon is better. I…I…know you don’t like him. But um, well, you don’t know him like I do.

BRANNIGAN
What is there to know about Leon Rodez? He’s a dirtbag, plain and simple.

MORGAN
Leon is tough, and he’s strong, and he’s um…..well…he’s very good.

“BREAKUP WITH LEON! BREAKUP WITH LEON! BREAKUP WITH LEON!”

MORGAN
I can’t do that! I won’t do that! You just don’t understand Leon. I know he’s not always nice to me. But…but…I deserve it. I don’t deserve someone as great as him in the first place, and, well most of time I don’t deserve him being nice to me.

BRANNIGAN
He’s got her brainwashed.

JADE
Hold on.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the fans scream in delight as...


JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN appears on stage.

JADE
I don’t mean to be the voice of reason, and maybe its none of my business. But my Uncle treats you like garbage, and you say you deserve it? I’m sorry but that’s not true at all. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Especially by someone they love. You do love Leon, don’t you?

MORGAN
I love him more than anything!

JADE
But, he doesn’t love you. I don’t mean to upset you, but he doesn’t. He’s using you as a pawn.

MORGAN
No.

JADE
Its true. He thinks of you as a puppet or a tool. My Uncle doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about anyone.

MORGAN
No.

JADE
You’ve got to realize how bad Leon is for you. Get away from him, Morgan. Your sisters will tell you the same thing. Everyone in the OAOAST will tell you the same thing. Think of all the times he’s put in you harms way, all the times he’s used you to win a match. That’s not a person who loves you. That’s a monster.

MORGAN
SHUT UP!

Jade is taken aback by Morgan’s deep tone of voice.

MORGAN
You don’t know anything about him! You’re the whole reason his life is miserable! You and your fans!

JADE
Me?

MORGAN
He’s…he’s….being slighted because of you! Um….well, people are taunting him about you being better and…its not fair!

JADE
Well, I do have a title belt and all he has is a briefcase that he stole. But, that’s beside the point. Morgan, listen to yourself, you’re just parroting what he told you.

MORGAN
No I’m not! I…I…I…have to make things right for Leon. And well, um…I’m going to do that by taking your title belt and showing youwhat life is like for him.

JADE
I don’t want to fight you, Morgan, but I’m a fighting champion and if it’s a fight you want it’s a fight you go. We’ll settle things at the Halloween Spectacular.

BRANNIGAN
Another big match made for the Halloween Spectacular. Krista puts her title on the line against the Church of Abdullah and her daughter puts her's on the line against Morgan Nerdly. Its going to be a great show, fans. Don't miss it!

LATER TONIGHT
SIX MAN TITLES
CUCARACHA KINGDOM VS LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND AND ALEXANDER THE BRUTAL

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Vinny Valentine is in the dressing room with Waldo, going through his various outfits quietly singing the chorus to the Bee Gees' More Than a Woman.

WALDO
Yo man, I can't believe you finally scored a date wit' dat ass!

VINNY
Oh, I believe it. I fight hard for my women, and Baron Windels found that out the hard way on Syndicated!

The buzzer rings to the locker room, and Waldo pushes the button activating the speaker.

WALDO
Sup?

MARIANO (off-screen)
Yo mama so stupid, she thinks Judo is what you use to make bagels!

WALDO
Say what?

MARIANO (off-screen)
Sucka, you mama so black, when she steps in da car, the oil light goes on!

WALDO
Wh...wha...

MARIANO (off-screen)
Yeah, what? Let me in, sucka!

Mariano comes in the door, followed by Luther and Quincy.

MARIANO
So! Ol' girl finally fell for the charms of V-squared!

VINNY
Damn right! One week from tonight, we'll be dancin' all night long.

QUINCY
Corny ass nigga.

Tony then bursts onto the scene.

TONY
YEAH! LET'S DANCE, BITCH! WHEN ARE WE GOING?

VINNY
"We're" not going. I'm takin' Melody out on a hot date next week!

TONY
MY DICK I'M NOT GOING! WHEREVER THERE'S DANCING, THERE'S TONY TOURETTES, MOTHERFUCKER!

VINNY
...no, there's not.

LUTHER
Man, when's our food gettin' here?

TONY
ALL RIGHT, FRIED CHICKEN!

BB's
...

MARIANO
Man, why you think we always eatin' chicken?

TONY
...just a guess.

Attendants come in with the food and set it up on the table.

MARIANO
A'ight guys, money.

Mariano, Quincy and Luther get money out, but Waldo shrugs.

MARIANO
Man, what happened to yo money, foo?

WALDO
I ain't got it this time.

Deadbeat Dave then walks into the room.

WALDO
Oh, dis nigga got some!

Waldo grabs Dave's change cup and dumps it into the tip basket.

DAVE
Hey! Man, do you know how many days it took to full up that cup?

LUTHER
C'mon, man, you can make it a few more witout yo' booze.

DAVE
I wasn't just gonna blow it on booze!

...I was gonna use some on drugs, too!

TONY
SEE, THERE IS CHICKEN ON THIS TRAY!

LUTHER
That's turkey, fool!

VINNY
Well, there ain't no crow! Baron's eatin' all of that, after the whoopin' I gave him on Syndicated!

BB's/VINNY/TONY


MARIANO
I like dat!

The GGM's all clink their beers together as we cut back to the booth.

COACH
That's right, Vinny! Baron'll think twice before gettin' all up in yo shiz next time!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN is brought to you by....
Fallout: New Vegas- For PC, Playstation 3, and Xbox 360

We return from break to find Michael Buffer ready to role out the upcoming annoucement.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, this match, set for one fall, is for the OAOAST WORLD 6-MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Introducing first, the challengers. Accompanied to the ring by MEGAN SKYE! At a total combined weight of seven hundred and thirty three pounds... the team of DANNY BOY and SCOTTISH SCOTT, THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND and ALEXANDER THHHEEE BBRRRRUUUUUTTAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

As "Mother" by Danzig blares out, the three intimidating Europeans enter the ring and march around impatiently. Megan Skye accompanies but stays as a peripheral, happy that the challengers are fired up enough as it is without any need to say or do any more.

BRANNIGAN
Megan Skye, with her new position as "OAOAST Foreign Liason", has brought these three men together, all with scores to settle with the Cucaracha Kingdom. And tonight as chance to take the World 6-Man Titles away from the King.

COACH
That's abuse of power if you ask me. Using an official OAOAST job to mess with your ex? Bitch got issues.


The trumpeting sounds of "Parade Of The Charioteers" play out through the arena to bring out the champions. Albeit, champions with an alternate. King Landon (still wearing his eyepatch) and Queen Esther lead the way, decked out in royal garb. Behind them, a beaming James Blonde, Faqu and Daisuke Motozaki, who both look all business.

BUFFER
And introducing, the opponents! Accompanied by the King and Queen of the OAOAST, "KING" LANDON MADDIX and QUEEN ESTHER! Total combined weight, seven hundred, eighty seven pounds. They are the defending OAOAST 6-Man Tag Team Champions of the World... DAISUKE MOTOZAKI, JAMES BLONDE and FAQU... together, they represent THE CUCARACHA KKIIIIIIIIINNGGDDOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Despite being replaced in the match, King Landon holds his third of the title belts on the way to the ring and only hands it over to Motozaki as he climbs in.

COACH
What bravery by the King! Coming out to support his team, even with that dehabilitating eye injury.

The makeshift champions are called over to the corner, for a conference with the King. As Landon lays out the strategy, the challengers are slightly less organised, lots of grunts and shouts as Scottish Scott prepares to start. Eager to impress, James Blonde opts to start for his team... and immediately regrets it when he turns around and sees Scott across the ring. But with Landon urging him on, it's too late for Blonde to turn back.


*DINGDINGDING*

BRANNIGAN
Not sure this is what Blonde had in mind when he volunteered to start.

Blonde looks unsure, but locks up with Scott anyway. Which doesn't last long, as Scott powers him off and sends Blonde rolling away. The Canadian takes one look at Landon, then another look at Scott, before tagging out.

BRANNIGAN
Well, that didn't last long.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

In comes Faqu in Blonde's place and a much more even size match. Scott and Faqu square up, head to head for a moment, before they both start slugging away! Heavy shots are thrown back and forth between the two wildmen until Scott decides he needs more momentum, coming off the ropes with a BIG right hand! Faqu staggers but doesn't go down, firing right back with a shot.

COACH
I think these two could probably fight all night if they wanted. Like some King Kong versus Godzilla marathon.

Scott doubles Faqu up with a boot and kicks away some more, before attempting a scoop slam. The big Samoan isn't hurt enough yet and fights his way out, dropping Scott to a knee. Faqu pulls him back up and hits a chop, then whips Scott to the ropes. A duck of the head comes too early and Scott is able to capitalise, grabbing Faqu by the hair and slamming his face into the mat. But Faqu is right back up! No effect, the Samoan lets out a roar and goes for a clothesline. Scott ducks though and comes off the ropes, throwing himself at Faqu with a CROSSBODY!

BRANNIGAN
Look at the big Scot fly!


1...


2...


Faqu kicks out.

Clubbing away, Scott turns Faqu over to Alexander The Brutal. The Scot and the Greek combine to whip Faqu into the ropes and knock him down with a double back elbow. Much to the King's concern.

BRANNIGAN
Some teamwork from the challengers. That's encouraging.

Cover by Alexander...


1...


No.

Quickly out of the pin, Faqu shrugs off Alexander's clubbing shots as he gets back to his feet and fends the Greek off with a shove. Alexander goes with it and bounces off the ropes with a running forearm. But Faqu stays up and surprises Alexander with a throat thrust.

COACH
Ooh!

BRANNIGAN
Got caught there. Right in the throat, not technically legal, but effective.

On orders from the outside, Faqu tags in Motozaki. And the Japanese hitman comes in to hammer on the weakened Greek. Clubbing Alexander down to a knee, Motozaki is given the thumbs up from the King.

COACH
Royal approval. Could there be anything sweeter?

Motozaki whips Alexander off and takes aim with a clothesline. But Alexander ducks and catches Motozaki turning around with a forearm shot. Motozaki walks around shaking his head, almost laughing it off. And he returns fire with a forearm of his own. Alexander throws one back. And so does Daisuke. Back and forth they go with forearms until Alexander takes a step back and throws a boot to the chest! Motozaki is rocked back across the ring, but comes roaring back with a shoulder tackle that runs right through Alexander!

"OOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!"

BRANNIGAN
Man, Motozaki just EXPLODED into life right there.

Leading Alexander back up, Motozaki hits a bodyslam and drops a knee, going for a pin...


1...


2...


No.

Motozaki tags Blonde and holds Alexander, giving the Canadian a free shot to the ribs. Off the middle rope, Blonde then delivers a right hand.

BRANNIGAN
A real international flavour to this important title match. The OAOAST, truly a global phenomenon, bringing the best athletes from all around the world together in one ring.

With Alexander groggy, Blonde picks his spot and hits a kick to the ribs. Irish whip is reversed though and Alexander scores with a Powerslam!


1...


2...


No!

Blonde jams a thumb in Alexander's eye to cut him off, then jars him down with a Sitout Jawbreaker. Rolling back, Blonde comes off the ropes with a running dropkick, knocking Alexander down. And he turns to the King, getting a thumbs up as well, which clearly means more to him than it did to Motozaki. Or, more than it would to anyone else in the world.

BRANNIGAN
Does Blonde come off as desperate to you? Or is it just me?

COACH
There's nothing desperate about aspiring to make the King happy.

BRANNIGAN
And yet, Blonde manages to pull it off anyway.

Bouyed by the thumbs up Blonde grabs Alexander and whips him into a corner. Tag is made to Faqu, who comes in as Blonde hits a corner clothesline. Blonde follows up with a bulldog out of the corner, setting Alexander up for a Faqu headbutt, dropped right into the chest. Cover...


1...


2...


No!

Faqu hits Alexander with a chop, knocking him back down. Faqu then drops his three hundred plus pounds down across the chest with a standing splash!


1...


2...


No!

Sitting Alexander up, Faqu targets the shoulder with a nerve pinch.

BRANNIGAN
I've gotta say, the makeshift champions are looking none the worse for having Landon on the outside.

COACH
Well Faqu and JB, they've seen partners come and go. There's been a few complications along the way. But they've been constants. And Landon's leadership has always been the glue that held them together, no matter who the third, and sometimes fourth, man was.

Being weakened by the painful hold, Alexander grimaces as he tries to get back to his feet. Megan urges him on, starting to get more managerial, which the King doesn't seem to like. Especially when Alexander gets up and starts elbowing his way free. Alexander breaks the hold and then hits the ropes. The Greek manages to duck a Faqu clothesline. But he doesn't duck a Thrust Kick!!

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The LKOS cringe on the apron, as the King and Queen jump for joy on the floor. Literally. Cover by Faqu...


1...


2...


Kickout!

Tag is made and Motozaki comes back in. The Japanese hired gun measures Alexander...


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...for a hard knifedge chop!

BRANNIGAN
Wow!

Motozaki whips Alexander to the ropes and fells him with a heavy clothesline. Cover...


1...


2...


No!

Picking Alexander back up, Motozaki whips him into a neutral corner and follows in with a running knifedge chop! The LKOS try to urge Alexander on, as Motozaki props him up and clubs him in the chest with an overhand forearm. Suddenly, James Blonde runs in and takes an unneccessary swipe at the Scots, luring them into the ring.

BRANNIGAN
What was that for!?

As the referee keeps the Scots at bay, Faqu comes in and is whipped across by Blonde, CRUSHING Alexander with an Avalanche!

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
That's what that was for. For great tag team strategy!

Alexander staggers out of the corner into Motozaki, who flips him around and executes a Bridging German Suplex...


1...



2...



NO!

KING LANDON
Referee! Come on!

COACH
Even a man with one eye could see that was a slow count!

Bringing Alexander to the corner, Daisuke tags in Blonde. A three on one occurs in the corner while the Scots try to rally the crowd. Stomps and claps reverberate around, troubling the Queen who has her gentle ears protected by King Landon. Blonde yells at the crowd to knock it off which just makes things worse.

BRANNIGAN
This crowd trying to rally behind the newcomer from Greece. It's like a Coliseum atmosphere in here, can he respond?

Blonde tries to ignore the crowd, jabbing away at Alexander. The Greek shows signs of absorbing the punishment though. So Blonde quickly snapmares him to the ground and drops a knee. With Alexander down, Blonde heads to the middle rope.

BLONDE
ALL GLORY TO THE KING!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

BLONDE
PRAISE BE TO THE KINGDOM!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

BLONDE
BOW DOWN AND SHOW YOUR REVERANCE!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

KING LANDON
Uhm... can we get on with it?

BLONDE
THIS IS FOR YOU MY KING! FOR KING AND FOR QUEEN! FOR THE KINGDOM!!

Blonde comes off the ropes with the Marty Jannetty Fistdrop...



...and jumps right into Alexander's raised boot!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

KING LANDON


Woozy, Blonde does a flop and it's a chase to make the tag. Megan slams her fists against the apron trying to rally the crowd. Not happy, the King leans under the ropes and warns Megan to stop. Megan looks back at him and makes an effort to hit the mat louder just to annoy him.

COACH
Sexual tension. Grrowl.

BRANNIGAN
Would you quit with that angle? It's not what's happening. No matter how much you or Landon might want to believe it.

Both Blonde and Alexander make the crawl to their corners and it's Blonde who reaches up and tags first, to Faqu...



...just a split second before Alexander tags Scottish Scott!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

BRANNIGAN
Tags made on either side and here we go!

Coming in at full speed Scottish Scott doesn't slow down and crashes into Faqu with a shoulder tackle, knocking The Samoan Wrecking Ball down! Scott knocks Motozaki off the apron, then turns and picks up steam for a second knockdown of the big Samoan! Whipped into a corner, Faqu is then hit with the FLYING SCOTSMAN!!

BRANNIGAN
Scottish Scott throwing his weight around! And he is bouncing around the Wrecking Ball!

Off the ropes, Scott hits a clothesline on Faqu and goes for a pin, to King Landon's despair...


1...



2...



Kickout!

Scott calls in Danny Boy and the Scots team up to whip Faqu to the ropes. A double elbow fails to knock the Samoan down, so Scott grabs a hold of Danny. Loading his partner up, Scott leads him around in a circle before throwing Danny into Faqu shoulder first, with a spear that knocks Faqu backwards, through the ropes and to the outside!

BRANNIGAN
And now Scottish Scott throwing his partner's weight around as well! Unorthodox tactics from two unorthodox men.

COACH
If by unorthodox you mean crazy, yes.

Rolling back in, Motozaki gets the jump on Scottish Scott and tries to fight both Scots off, which proves a mistake. The LKOS fight back and ends up grabbing Daisuke by the hair, delivering the Mohawk Tomahawk! The two headbutts stagger Motozaki, but he stays on his feet somehow. A double clothesline is ducked by the Scots though and they deliver a second Mohawk Tomahawk, this one enough to put the Japanese star down.

BRANNIGAN
Things are starting to unravel for the champions! And the King is beginning to look a little more nervous all of a sudden.

Danny comes off the ropes, getting picked up by Scott, who dumps his partner on top of Motozaki with a splash!


1...



2...



No!

As Scott stomps away on Motozaki, Blonde comes in to help. Only to get thrown outside by Danny Boy, who follows.

BRANNIGAN
This fight spilling out to the floor, referee has lost control and I don't think anyone involved cares. Except maybe Blonde, who seems to be trying his damndest to get away unscathed.

COACH
Proving he's the only smart man in the match.

In the ring, Scott sets up Motozaki and signals for a piledriver. Motozaki slowly starts to raise up though. And with great upper body strength, slowly manages to backdrop the two hundred, sixty eight pounder! Loading up the arm, Motozaki then hits the ropes... and connects with a big Lariat!


1...



2...



Kickout!

Looking down at Scott, Motozaki thinks over his next move, before eventually deciding to try the deadlift german.

COACH
No way!

BRANNIGAN
We've seen him do this before, but never to someone as big as Scottish Scott.

COACH
He'll never get him up.

Motozaki wraps his arms around Scott's waist and sets himself, huge strain on his face as he lifts... and LIFTS SCOTT UP... RIGHT OFF THE MAT AND INTO A GERMAN SUPLEX!!!!!

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

BRANNIGAN
HE DID IT!


1...




2...




KICKOUT!

The King holds his head in his hands, sure that was all.

BRANNIGAN
I tell you what, that was unbelievable. You can't stress how much power that takes to deadlift a human body like that, up and over your head, not least one that weighs as much as Scottish Scott! Just amazing!

COACH
King Landon knows how to pick a replacement, man.

As Scott rolls outside, Alexander slides in the other side and tries to catch Motozaki in the Katahajime!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Before he can get it locked it, James Blonde sneaks in and breaks it up. Alexander responds with by felling Blonde with a clothesline... only for Motozaki to clothesline down Alexander in turn!

BRANNIGAN
Down goes Alexander, he almost had Motozaki caught though.

COACH
Keyword, almost.

Giving a signal from the outside, the King senses victory within his sights and calls for one more deadlift german. Motozaki looks to have taken plenty out of himself just hitting one. But he squats down, ready to give it a go. Before suddenly stopping.

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
AHH! KING! LOOK OUT!

Motozaki and the fans spot, long before Landon does, NATHANIEL BLACK rushing down the aisle! And the Brit grabs a hold of Landon by the scruff of his jacket causing the King to SHRIEK in terror!!

COACH
OH NO!

Luckily for the King, Motozaki abandons the match to save him, jumping Black from behind before he can do any damage. Suddenly it's Black and Motozaki going at it, reknewing their battle from Zero Hour and tackling each other into the barricades! A clothesline from Black takes both him and the Japanese star over the rail... where they jump back up and go right back at it again!

BRANNIGAN
Black and Motozaki are battling it out in the crowd... and there's showing no signs of turning back! Oh man, the war is on again!

COACH
Wait a minute, there's a match going on here!

BRANNIGAN
I don't think they care!

Sending fans scurrying for cover, Black and Motozaki battle it out, slugging away at each other through the building. Heavy shots are exchanged as fans cheer and roar their approval, when not trying to avoid being hit themselves. The fight goes to the back of the floor seats and keeps on going, battling back towards the exits.

COACH
Where are they going!? Come back!

BRANNIGAN
I think they're long gone, Coach! And the Kingdom is outmanned!

Looking despairingly through the sea of people, King Landon is beside himself at this turn of events. In the ring, Blonde and Alexander are picking themselves up, trying to answer the count from the referee. The King, seeing his team are outnumbered, suddenly takes drastic measures. He whips off his royal robe and goes to climb into the ring, only to be cut off by the referee, who refuses to let him through the ropes. Even when King Landon tears off his eyepatch in a moment of desperation and insists his eye is fine, the referee holds him at bay.

COACH
Let him in you fool!

BRANNIGAN
Hey, Landon already forfeited his place in the match. You can't just throw a sub on halfway through.

COACH
Why not!? He's the champion!

As the King tries to protest his case, an opening presents itself for the Queen. Alexander picks himself up by the ropes and the Queen produces a handful of magic dust. With the referee tied up with Landon, Esther goes undetected and rears back...



...and wonders why her arm won't move forwards.

BRANNIGAN
The Queen got caught, glitter handed!

The Queen turns around, to find Megan Skye clutching onto her arm. Shocked, the Queen starts to cry for help, just as Megan KNOCKS THE GLITTER INTO THE QUEEN'S FACE!!!!!

QUEEN ESTHER


"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

COACH
AAHHHHH!

Blinded, the Queen falls to the ground and flails around like a fish out of water, which is a slight overreaction, let's be honest. The King quickly rushes to her aid.

Back in the ring meanwhile, Blonde grabs Alexander from behind. He goes for an irish whip, but Alexander puts on the blocks! Blonde panics, realising he's made a big mistake. And one that's too late to correct. Wringing the arm, Alexander pulls Blonde forward into a goozle! Alexander then takes Blonde up and DRIVES the Sword Of Damacles down into the mat, pressing Blonde down with a pinfall...


1...




2...




3!!!!!!!

BRANNIGAN
YES!

COACH
WHAT!? NO!


*DINGDINGDING*

The crowd go wild, as Alexander stands over Blonde and raises his fists in the air in victory.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match... and NEW OAOAST 6-MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... DANNY BOY and SCOTTISH SCOTT, THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND... and ALEXANDER TTHHHHHEEEEE BBRRRRRRUUUUUUUTTAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Knelt down on the floor, King Landon is shocked as the title belts are handed over to Alexander and the Scots, raised triumphantly in the air.

BRANNIGAN
We've got NEW champions! For the first time in almost two years, the titles are out of Kingdom hands.

COACH
Well... it was three on two! What do you expect?!

The King is beside himself and starts to throw a mini-fit on the floor as Megan enters the ring and applauds her new champions. Scottish Scott leans over the ropes with one of the belts and dares the King to come take them back, at which point the King decides he'd best get Queen Esther off to recieve some help.

BRANNIGAN
Oh boy. The Kingdom has just lost all of it's gold! And the King has been embarrassed by his former manager! This is a day that King Landon may never live down!

A distraught King Landon helps Queen Esther away, while The LKOS and Alexander turn away to celebrate their victory and their newly won titles.

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
ALIX MARIA SPEZIA VS MALAYSIA NERDLY

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage in Alf’s make-due office we find the OAOAST bench boss himself in conversation with…


HOLLY

HOLLY
(beep) that I’m not doing shit.

ALFDOGG
Michael says all you to do is write him a note of apology and he’ll leave the incident behind him

HOLLY
(beep) him, (beep) you, (beep) your grandmother, and (beep) that note. I’m not writing jack shit.

ALFDOGG
Holly you pushed the man down a flight of stairs.

HOLLY
And no one give two squirts of piss. If they did they would’ve stopped me. I didn’t make a (beep) secret of where the (beep) I was going, it was on TV any of you (beep) suckers could’ve stopped me. But you didn’t. So tell that rat faced bitch to (beep) off.

The conversation is interrupted by…


MAYA DUNCAN-BLANCHARD isn’t that such a cute picture?

MAYA
Holly, you should be ashamed of yourself!

HOLLY
Who the (beep) invited you, squirt?

MAYA
I invited myself, because the moment I saw you push him down the stairs I should’ve ran up them and gave you something to really curse about.

HOLLY
Listen, pip squeak, you couldn’t beat half my ass if the other half was helping me. Go back to (beep) yourself while you stare at a Justin Bieber poster.

MAYA
Gross I don’t even like Justin Bieber! I’m a Taylor Lautner girl. Anyway, you’re nothing but a bully, and shoving Michael down the stairs was the worst of your worst. There’s this wheelchaired kid at school, who’s super annoying, but when I’m having a bad day I don’t shove him into the swimming pool and let survival of the fittest take its course. Do I?

HOLLY
So the (beep) what if I dumped him down the stairs? Everyone thought he was a prissy little bitch when he was here, and now all of sudden they’ve got sand in their vagina’s over this.

MAYA
Its not just that, what about dumping hot coffee down Tony Brannigan’s pants.

HOLLY
He was asking me some bullshit questions.

MAYA
Newsflash: he’s a reporter! He isn’t there to recite Shakespeare in burping form, he’s there to ask questions. And what about that poor girl you just roughed up out there. You broke her nose. Defend that.

HOLLY
What the (beep) do you think this is? Disney on Ice? This shit is a contact sport, I’m supposed to rough bitches up. And it’s a competition after all.

MAYA
That’s no excuse. When I was in sixth grade did I rig Cathy Crewe’s calculator to explode during Mathlympics? In Field hockey do I spike Corona Santiago Higschool’s Gatorade tank with LSD? Sure I’d like to, maybe the results would be a great social psychology expierment, but I don’t! Why because I’m not a low down piece of trash like you are.

HOLLY
(beep) you! You sit in mommy’s Beverly Hill’s mansion looking down on the rest of us and you think you can (beep) judge me. Get the (beep) outta here and shut the (beep) up. You’re not going to do anything but talk, because you’re too chicken shit to try and stand up to me in a fight.

MAYA
Oh yeah? Hey, Alf, book a match between me and Holly for Halloween Spectacular.

ALFDOGG
Gee, I….don’t know….

HOLLY
No (beep) that. There’s a pecking order in the OAOAST. I’m queen bitch of this OAOAST Galaxy, and you’re just some snooty ring rat in training. If you wanna fight me you’re going to have to (beep) earn it. (to Alf) Enter pip squeak into the Queen Of The Ring tournament.

ALF
I can’t do that. She’s not even trained to wrestle.

MAYA
Uncle Terry and D*LUX can teach me!

HOLLY
See? (beep) fantastic. Three of the biggest faggots here are gonna teach her how to get her ass beat.

ALFDOGG
Your dad might find this amusing, but your mom would kill me and feed my corpse to your Yorkshire terriers.

MAYA
Who cares what she thinks? This is important! This is about standing up to bullies and showing that we’re not going to take anymore of their crap. There are people all over the country being tormented by bullies, kids are committing suicide over bullying. I’ve got to fight for the people who can’t. You’ve got to put me in that tournament.

ALFDOGG
Hmmmm….okay. BUT if at any second it looks like you’re overmatched I’m pulling the plug.

HOLLY
Aww little baby has got her safety net. See you in the finals, squirt.

Holly walks off, laughing to herself over the impending hell she'll bring Maya. The youngest Duncan girl just glares hard at her as she leaves, her fists clenched into tiny balls.

[Chanel #99]

WELL ITS MIDNIGHT
AND ITS COLDER
PULL YOU CLOSER
I CAN SEE THROUGH
WHEN ITS SUNSHINE
AND ITS SOLAR
AND ITS OVER
GUESS ITS ME AND YOU

BLOOD. BY. SUN. LIGHT.

"Solar Midnite" by Lupe Fiasco powers out through the arena and out bound Tyler and Shayne, pumped up and ready for action. The pale orange denim wearing duo tag hands on their way to the ring, without any sign of Duncan girls at all.

BUFFER
The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, at a total combined weight, three hundred and seventy nine pounds... "SHOWTIME" SHAYNE... "TREMENDOUS" TYLER... they are D*LLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

D*LUX vault into the ring and play to the crowd.

BUFFER
And their opponents. At a combined weight of three hundred and eight six pounds, the team of DALE JARROD and ANDIE SONNIE!

The non-descript opponents acknowledge their names, but let's face it, no-one cares about them.

BRANNIGAN
So tag team action here for D*LUX. And conspicuous by their absence, their co-managers, Jade and Maya.

COACH
Yeah, what's up with that?

BRANNIGAN
Well it could be because Maya and Jade are preoccupied with their own issues. Jade has Morgan to deal with and Maya just got herself entered into the Queen Of The Ring tournament, with a final that occurs inside a Hell In The Cell!


*DINGDINGDING*

Tyler decides to start things out, in with Sonnie. The two lock up and Tyler goes behind with a waistlock, taking Sonnie down to the mat and controlling him with a headlock.

BRANNIGAN
Well D*LUX are looking to prove a point tonight. 2010 has been an up and down year for D*LUX and they're looking to get themselves back in the hunt here in the OAOAST tag team division. And maybe trying to pave their own way a little bit.

Back to his feet, Sonnie softens up Tyler and throws him off into the ropes. Sonnie drops down and Tyler vaults over, then leapfrogs over Sonnie as he ducks his head. Quick as a flash Shayne is into the ring and the tag team specialists catch their opponent with a double dropkick! Cover by Tyler...


1...


2...


No.

Wringing the arm Tyler tags Shayne, who comes off the top with an axehandle. Shayne wrings the arm, but gets cut off with a knee, allowing Sonnie to tag in Jarrod. Unfortunately for Jarrod, he comes in too excited and runs right into an armdrag.

BRANNIGAN
You know, a lot of people are calling D*LUX the best tag team to have never held the World Tag Team Titles. And they may very well be.

COACH
Yeah, but who wants that on their headstone?

Shayne tags Tyler and a double whip sets up a double hiptoss for Jarrod. Splitting off, the boybanders come from either side and sandwich the head of Jarrod with Surround Sound double dropkicks to the head! Cover...


1...


2...


No.

Tyler scoops and slams Jarrod, then tags Shayne, who heads to the top. Picking himself up, Jarrod looks up to see Shayne being launched into the air with a flying clothesline, wiping him out!

BRANNIGAN
Larger Than Life Line! And it's moves like that which make D*LUX such a fine tag team.

D*LUX get rid of Sonnie from the apron and set up Jarrod, alone in the ring. They line Jarrod up... and connects with a double superkick to the gut. Tyler hits an inverted atomic drop, stepping away as Shayne comes off the second rope with a Showtime Stomp to the back! With Jarrod down, Tyler hooks him in a wheelbarrow and elevates Jarrod up, allowing Shayne to hit the running diamond dust!

BRANNIGAN
D*LUX Capacitor and that'll do it.


1...



2...



3!!!!

*DINGDINGDING*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match... "SHOWTIME" SHAYNE and "TREMENDOUS" TYLER, D*LLLLUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXX!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Shayne and Tyler high-five and climb the turnbuckles to celebrate their win with the fans.

BRANNIGAN
An impressive outing for D*LUX, as they look to make some waves again before 2010 is over.

COACH
And they didn't even need their managers to beat two nobodies. Wow. Progress.

Happy enough with their win over "two nobodies", Shayne and Tyler leave with smiles on their faces.

THE MAINEVENT IS NEXT
ALIX MARIA SPEZIA VS MALAYSIA NERDLY

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

"Wildside" by Motley Crue hits and Malaysia scrolls to the ring with Mr. Dick at her side. The Real American Prick still on crutches due to his accident two weeks ago.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, being led to the ring by MR. DICK… from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, she is the ultimate combination of beauty and beat downs… MMMMAAALLLLLLAAAAAYYYYYSIA!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Malaysia assists MD inside and they jaw with fans ringside.

BRANNIGAN
What a match this should be. Malaysia vs. the woman Mr. Dick holds responsible for his supposed injuries, Alix Maria Spezia of Chicks Over Dicks.

COACH
Supposed?!? The man’s on crutches, TB. Isn’t that proof enough?

BRANNIGAN
No, but a doctor’s note would be, which Mr. Dick has yet to produce.

COACH
It’s in the mail.

Greetings loved ones
Lets take a journey

California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
Will melt your popsicle
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
West coast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

Alix high fives OAOAST Marks as skips down the aisle to the tune of “California Girls” by Katy Perry.

BUFFER
And her opponent, from Los Angeles, Califorinia, weighing TRILLION POUNDS… LOL… ALIX MMMMAAAARRRRRIIIIIIAAAAAAA SSSSSPPEEEEEZZZZZZIIIIIAAAAAAA!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
Did Buffer really say LOL?

BRANNIGAN
You never know what you might see or hear on OAOAST television.

In the spirit of Halloween, Alix passes out candy to kids in the front row before entering the ring for battle. Suddenly a pre-recorded message from TIM CASH appears on-screen reminding kids to brush their teeth after eating their candy this Halloween.

COACH
The hell was that?

BRANNIGAN
A public service announcement from Tim Cash and the OAOAST!

* DINGDINGDING *

The bell sounds and we’re set to go. Alix stuns everyone by challenging Malaysia to a test of strength, only to turn right around and stomp her feet!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
I don’t believe it. Alix just outsmarted someone.

The Hollywood Bad Girl displays just how bad she is by giving Malaysia a WEDGIE that yanks the panties right out!

MALAYSIA


Malaysia has the panties stuffed down her throat and then is dropkicked outside. In the ring Alix throws her hands in the air and waves them like she just don’t care while MD fans Malaysia with one of his crutches. Alix sees it and decides to sneak up on MD for a WET WILLIE!

“ALIX!”
“ALIX!”
“ALIX!”

BRANNIGAN
The Alcoholics are out in full force here tonight.

COACH
I hope they fall off the wagon.

Alix dumps Malaysia inside and soars off the top, but she’s caught in midair and slammed overhead. Malaysia proceeds to put the boots to Alix, then whips her to the corner, but Alix moves and SCHOOL GIRL’S MALAYSIA!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Malaysia pops to her feet and charges into a drop toehold, then has Alix run across her back. As that happens COLONEL ABDULLAH NERDLY marches ringside to hand MD a PAMPHLET.

“GO HOME ABBY!”
“GO HOME ABBY!”
“GO HOME ABBY!”

ABDULLAH


COACH
Damn bigots!

MD goes through the pamphlet as the Colonel returns to the top of the stage. Meanwhile, Malaysia reverses a whip and clotheslines Alix.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Malaysia hair mares Alix and drives the point of her elbow into the face again and again, then viciously pries open Alix’s mouth.

BRANNIGAN
I’m sure glad Malaysia isn’t a dentist.

COACH
Right now Alix is probably wishing she did.

As Malaysia clubs Alix in the corner, MD makes a call on his CELL PHONE. Turns out the person on the receiving end is Abdullah, even though he’s feet away on the stage. Abdullah cracks a smile before reaching inside his suit jacket for a memo pad as MD produces a OAOAST CREDIT CARD!

BRANNIGAN
What’s he doing, buying his own rookie card?

On the verge of being pressed slam Alix manages to slip out behind Malaysia and rolls her up.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO, MR. DICK RUNS IN AND BREAKS HIS CRUTCH ACROSS ALIX’S BACK!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
It’s a miracle!

BRANNIGAN
Not to mention a total setup.

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match as result of a disqualification… ALIX MMMMAAAARRRRRIIIIIIAAAAAAA SSSSSPPEEEEEZZZZZZIIIIIAAAAAAA!!!!

MD continues to do a number on Alix as Abdullah raises his arms to the heavens and a STEEL CAGE lowers.

COACH
Look at this!

BRANNIGAN
This cage is set up for a match just for the OAOAST Marks in the arena following the show. Obviously somebody has hijacked the controls.

Following a CANADIAN BACKBREAKER PILEDRIVER by Malaysia, MD JACKHAMMERS Alix and then places her in THE ROUGHRIDER (STF).

“KRISTA!”
“KRISTA!”
“KRISTA!”

COACH
These people can chant all they want T-Bod because Krista ain’t walking through that door. She's got a public appearance at a club in Toronto!

Having rendered Alix unconscious MD stands tall and adjusts his jeans.

“YOU SUCK, DICK!”
“YOU SUCK, DICK!”
“YOU SUCK, DICK!”

MD admires his work as Abdullah kisses Malaysia on the hand, then embraces the Real American Prick.

BRANNIGAN
Don’t tell me Abdullah Nerdly has added a new member to his church!

FADE TO BLACK