OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 9/9/2010

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

We're taken to sofa central where Coach and TONY BRANNIGAN await to call the action.

BRANNIGAN
To those of you at home, welcome to HeldDOWN~! Tony "The Body" Brannigan here, sitting alongside DA COACH~!, as after what went down last week, Michael Cole will not be with us tonight.

COACH
Tonight? Mikey Cole might not be with us at all, Tony! He's laid up in a hospital bed, he's got IV's goin' in, wire's comin' out...he doesn't look good at all!

BRANNIGAN
Well I can attest to that, Coach. I've been to the hospital this past week, and Michael Cole is not in good shape. Nor is our World Champion, for that matter. For those who missed it, let us take you back to last week.

(A condensed version of the HeldDOWN~! ending is shown to the television viewers, and on the AngleTron in the arena. The attack immediately following the main event, close ups of Ned trapped in the Dragon Clutch by the mystery man, Todd Cortez nailing Michael Cole with a steel chair, Cole being slammed through Sofa Central by Bohemoth, and finally Anglesault burning the OAOAST logo with the three intruders.)

COACH
I still don't get it, and I just watched the Cliff's Notes!

BRANNIGAN
No one knows for sure what's going on. We know that Bohemoth, last we saw him, was in the employ of Anglesault. We know that Anglesault has not been seen on TV in some time due to legal proceedings preventing him from appearing. Todd Cortez has not been seen in months, and his involvement surprises me. As for the "X Factor" of this mysterious newcomer, we've talked with several people and...

Suddenly, Brannigan is startled by a pounding on the commentator's table, as BOHEMOTH has just hopped the railing!

COACH
Oh damn! Damn damn damn damn don't let me die...

Bo snickers as he turns away and climbs up the ring steps, dressed dapper in a grey suit. En route to the ring right behind him is Todd Cortez, dressed for what has to be the first time in a suit as well. Finally, the mystery man, black hair tied neatly in a ponytail, gets into the ring as well. The crowd, now all familiar with the carnage caused last week, proceed to boo them loudly, but not one of the three flinches. They stand still, faces to the hard camera...and that's when the music hits.

"Medal" blares over the PA for the first time in what seems like an eternity, and after some anticipation, ANGLESAULT walks out onto the ramp. Also clad in a suit, the company founder walks slowly to the ring, as the three men in the ring do not move, acting as if they are frozen, facing the camera. Once he is at ringside, Anglesault calls for a microphone, and hopefully, that means the fans will get some answers.

The music dies, and the crowd is LIVID. There's not one cheer for Anglesault to be heard in the entire arena. Anglesault whispers off mic to his three allies, and then begins.

ANGLESAULT
People...I know why you came here tonight. You came here tonight, or if you're at home, you've tuned in for one reason. You want answers, right?

That, is in fact something the crowd cheers.

ANGLESAULT
You're all sitting there, just waiting, wondering, why did things go down the way they did last week, right?

Again, the crowd cheers.

ANGLESAULT
I knew that you were. And you're right, you do deserve answers. Better yet, you people deserve change, and that is what I am bringing to you! Change is good, people. Change is NECESSARY, and it has never been more necessary than in the OAOAST. In MY COMPANY. Because for the past seven years, nothing ever changed. For seven years, the nucleus of this company played you all for fools. The minute he grew into his power, he exploited it, he bastardized it, and he used it for his own personal gain. For the past year, ZACK MALIBU PUT ME THROUGH HELL. Lawyers, lawsuits, legal proceedings...the man that YOU ALL LOVE tried to take my company away from me. Not only that, but he prevented this company from growing...from reaching its full potential. While it was no secret that Zack Malibu controls 50% of the OAOAST, he tried to undermine me, and tried to yank the power out of my hands. So we fought, and fought, and fought, and ultimately, a conclusion was reached. Zack Malibu took his ball and went home. He gave up on all of you. Because he had two options-retain his stake in the company but lose his status as an active competitor, or give up the power and go back to being just another wrestler. I think it's obvious the choice he made, and it is not with a heavy heart, but with a smile on my face that I can tell you that you have seen THE LAST of Zack Malibu inside an OAOAST ring!

The fans boo loudly, and many get a "ZACK" chant going, which just angers Anglesault.

ANGLESAULT
Go ahead, cheer his name. Put his name on a sign. Wear his t-shirts. The fact is, he chose his family over you people. So last week, we not only said good riddance to Zack Malibu, but as you saw, to the OAOAST the way you know it. This is not a threat, but it is also not to be taken lightly. What you see in the ring is the light at the end of the tunnel. An end to the madness of the last seven years. Zack Malibu let this company...MY COMPANY, go to waste at the hands of social misfits! He hand-picked his favorites, then ditched them when they dare spoke out against him. I tried to build this company on the back of superstars just like Zack Malibu, while he tried to build it on the backs of drug addicts like Sly Sommers and Ragdoll! He had an In Crowd disband on him not once, but TWICE, because he's not a team player. Now, the past is the past, and I will not let anyone suffer any longer. No one should have to pay for the mistakes of Zack Malibu, and that is why these three men stand before you here today. I would like to personally introduce you to the rebirth of the OAOAST. The three men who will carry this company into the future successfully, and as we have shown, without remorse.

Anglesault proudly hands the microphone over to Bohemoth, who steps forward.

BOHEMOTH
I don't feel as if I need to be introduced, because you all know who I am. You all know what I'm capable of, and if you don't, my suggestion is to pay attention, because I don't like to repeat myself. For years, I had roadblock after roadblock thrown in my way by Zack Malibu. Being his friend is no different than being his enemy, because regardless of what side you're on, he's only about himself. So that's when I decided that I would be all about MYSELF, and I knew I had a kindred spirit in Anglesault. Because of my actions last year, I was one of the select few to be blackballed as the legal proceedings went on. I couldn't wrestle, couldn't do anything except sit back and wait, and what you saw last week was the result of months and months of pent up frustration. The scary part? That was just a fraction of what's been building up inside me, so I'm putting everyone in the back on notice. I don't care who you are. I don't care what our relationship used to be, because now, as far as I'm concerned, you are all enemies. The men I stand with here are my kindred spirits, equally jaded and equally angry...and God be with you if you try to stop us from making this place what it should be.

The crowd boos again, and a "ZACK" chant still carries through the crowd, as Anglesault takes the mic and walks over to Cortez.

ANGLESAULT
Mr. Cortez, I presume your involvement had led to quite a few questions, so do you have any answers for these people?

CORTEZ
Answers? Answers? I don't have to give anyone answers. In fact, I have some questions for you people. You're all questioning why I did what I did. Why I dropped Ned on his head last week. Why I went after Michael Cole. Why I'm with two men that I was at war with the last time you saw me. So let me ask you all...what would you do if you had your livelihood taken away from you? What would you do if the only thing you knew how to do, the thing you did in order to keep the food on the table and the money coming in was taken away? I gave my LIFE to this business! I got away from the streets and tried to do nothing except honor my family, and make them proud. People have been talking under their breath all week, assuming that I'm in it for the money. You're damn right I am! You all need money, just like I needed the money, but what happens when I try to help Zack Malibu? He wraps me up into his legal drama, says I'm just as accountable as anyone else, and it keeps me out of the ring. It keeps me from doing what I do best. It keeps my family from turning on their TV and feeling proud that I made it. It kept me from being a role model to others who grew up like I did. Those in poverty, those on the wrong side of the tracks, they need a hero, and that was me! You think they care about Zack Malibu? Zack Malibu is a spoiled rich punk who lucked into this sport and continued to be a spoiled rich punk! Zack Malibu is not a role model...I AM! I know what the real world is like, all too well. I'm a warrior. I will fight tooth and nail for what I believe in, and I believe in change, just like Anglesault said. I will give you a real hero. Something to believe in. Your children will look at you and say that they want to be like me, and that will make you smile because of your respect for me. I'm not a facade like so many who have come through that curtain. I am reality. I am the cold, hard facts. I am tragedy and triumph all rolled into one. You can call me the Urban Legend, but everything about me is as real as it gets.

Cortez hands the mic to Anglesault, who then walks over to the third man, the one we know nothing about.

ANGLESAULT
Bo, Todd...you both have valid grievances. You are two of the most talented men I've ever come across in this business, and to say I'm proud to have your support would be an understatement. However, I think the worst offense of all was perpetrated against this young man right here. Some of you may recognize his face, some of you may not. Unlike Zack Malibu, he doesn't have a sense of entitlement. He tried to do things the hard way, working his way up through independents, training camps, and ultimately, OAOVW. It was there that he sat, waiting and waiting and waiting for the call that never came. This company had drug addicts, steroid abusers, Drek Stone and DJ Giant Jesus, but THIS person nearly had his dream taken away from him...until his uncle stepped in. For those who think this was just about business, oh no...it got very, VERY personal, and now I am happy to give the opportunity that he deserved long ago to my NEPHEW...JASON SILVER!

Now that his true identity is revealed, Anglesault and Silver hug, and Silver takes the mic. The crowd still isn't happy with any of this, as the revelation gets massive boos.

SILVER
You people are obviously too blind to see what's going on here. What happened last week, and what's going on before you right now, it's a GOOD thing. Bo, Todd, and myself, we are going purge this company of the cancer. I can only tell you not to get too attached to anyone or anything, and if you are already, it's time to start waning yourself off of it. This is the genesis of something new, an evolution that is necessary for this company. I was stuck in purgatory for THREE YEARS, because I thought was doing the honorable thing. I didn't want to use my uncle's name, or his pull, to get my foot in the door. I did it respectfully, and where did it get me? NOWHERE! Literally, nowhere! Just like Bo and Todd, I felt myself growing jaded. I found myself reaching the boiling point, and that's when my uncle said that enough was enough. To see him being mentally destroyed by Zack Malibu. Strung through a series of events that nearly saw him lose his company, and even in the end, he has to share ownership with Zack. Personally, I don't think that's fair, but at least I know that Zack Malibu no longer has a say in where my career is going...which is right to the top! Zack's making the money, he can make the business deals, but when it comes to what I do, what we do, what anyone does in this ring, he's got NO SAY! That's a beautiful thing, because now you people are in for a treat! You are in for a show, so sit back and enjoy what you are about to see, because if you think last week was too much, that was just a taste! I don't care if you're a wrestler, a ring announcer, a commentator, a man, woman, or child! What you see before you, collectively, are four of the most talented men in the wrestling business. We are the past, present and future all rolled into one cohesive, dominant unit, and we are going to make up for all the time we lost thanks to Zack Malibu! Last week, we created the questions. This week, we gave you the answers. Like it, hate it, there's nothing anyone can do about it, because this is the way it is. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Silver smiles and hands the mic back over to his uncle. The camera closes in on the group, with looks of strong determination on their faces.

ANGLESAULT
This is not an invasion. This is not a war. This is simply what needs to be done. What started last week was not the last time, mark my words. The last time won't come until we're all on the same page. Call it a warning, call it being put on notice...but this is MY company, and if you dare stand in the way of my American Dream, then the blood is on your hands, not ours.

With that, Anglesault drops the mic, and the four men exit the ring, with Anglesault leading the way. They go up the aisle, drowned out by boos, and then cut over to the side of the stage. As they are walking, road agent RICK MARTEL walks over, tearing off his OAOAST access pass, and shoves it into the chest of Anglesault!

BRANNIGAN
I think Rick Martel just told Anglesault to shove it!

Anglesault is startled, but Martel's actions cause Bo, Cortez, and Silver to pigpile on him, working him over! Security comes rushing over, but Anglesault blocks their path, threatening them with termination if they get close! Silver and Cortez pick Martel up, and they hurl him into Bo, who hits a standing spinebuster, driving Martel into the concrete floor! Cortez picks up Martel, who is aching, and heaves him up onto the ramp, then climbs up on their himself. He picks up the groggy Martel, then grabs him by the throat and delivers an URBAN ASSAULT, right there on the ramp! Martel just lay there, not moving, as Cortez gets up and spits on Martel, then hops off the ramp and rejoins his allies.

COACH
Yo, Body...I ain't likin' this one bit.

BRANNIGAN
This is a highly volatile situation, one can be sure of that. Anglesault is back, and whatever legal actions were taking place between he and Zack Malibu seem to be over with. We've learned that Zack has retained his stake in the company, but has no power when it comes to the in-ring product. We also know that Todd Cortez, Bohemoth, and believe it or not, Anglesault's nephew, Jason Silver, are the men responsible for last week's assault, which was done with Anglesault's blessing.

COACH
I don't wanna lose my job, man!

BRANNIGAN
Coach, I think it's a bit more serious than job loss. These men are clearly frustrated at their treatment, and whether it's right or wrong, it has made them all gain short fuses. Our World Champion and one of the most famous tag teams in OAOAST history were destroyed in the aftermath of last week's title match. Michael Cole may never make it back, and now Rick Martel, who has served as a backstage presence since 2003, has been dismantled, all at the hands of this faction. We'll keep you up to date with the latest regarding this situation, but right now, we've got to take a break. We'll be back with more, after this.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Hey, hey, you, you
I don't like your girlfriend!
No way, no way!
I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you
I could be your girlfriend!

“YEAAAAAAAAAA!”

Hey, hey, you, you!
I know that you like me!
No way, no way!
No, it's not a secret
Hey, hey, you, you!!
I want to be your girlfriend!

A massive pop greets America's Sweethearts as they make their onto the entrance stage. Alix blows kisses into the camera, while Krista strokes her world title and holds a VHS tape.

BRANNIGAN
Here comes the world champion along with Alix Maria Spezia, who is no slouch in her own right!

The girls enter ring with typical fanfare and are each granted microphones.

ALIX
(playfully)
Hey, Krissy, whatcha got there?

KRISTA
It's the videotape of us molesting Queen Esther last week. I told you that about an hour ago.

ALIX
Uhm, this isn't how we rehearsed our back and forth repertoire to go.

KRISTA
We didn't rehearse anything.

ALIX
Wow. Really? Who the fuck was I talking to then?

As Alix tries to remember just who she mistook for Krista in her haze, caused by god only knows what, Krista carries on without her.

KRISTA
Okay, here's the deal. Straight up. Last week, I got jumped and I don't know what the hell is going on. I guess it involves the guy who founded this company, Anglesomething or other, apparently he's the name sake, because its called the One and Only Anglesault Thread. What the hell kind of name is that, anyway? How many bong its were required to come up with that golden nugget? Anyway, all I know is, before that, last week me and Alix stripped a vulnerable, naive woman to her underwear and ground our flesh into hers. And the footage of that attack has gotten me through some miserable and angry nights. So, while the OAOAST's crack production staff were busy following Queen Esther's orders and destroying all trace of the footage, forgetting of course that it was broadcast worldwide, recorded, downloaded, pirated and torrented by millions of people, streamed illegally on the internet and been uploaded to YouTube at least a dozen times... I got someone to send me a tape. And the only way I'm destroying this tape is through repeated rewinding, slow-motion playbacking and hitting pause and trying to make out what's going on between the squiggly lines. Actually, remind me again why I didn't just get a DVD copy instead of a VHS? It's 2010, for crying out loud.

ALIX
You know, I think Al the janitor may have taken advantage of me. His repertoire was much better than yours, but I'm not sure if that's really a comfort or not.

KRISTA
Glad I asked. Now, I'm in a bad mood as it is. And what gets me in a worse mood is censorship. I say what I want, do what I want, molest who I want and smack around whoever I want. And I don't expect to face any repercussions as a result. Otherwise, what's the point of being rich anyway? So, because I'm in a bad mood and need cheering up, I've decided to show you all the footage again. Over and over. Until I'm happy again. Oh, and me and Alix might make out. You like the sound of that Vancouver?

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

COACH
FUCK YEAH~!

KRISTA
You people are sick. I respect that. Somebody roll the footage! Hit play and keep rewinding until I'm done.



KING LANDON
HALT HALT HALT HALT HALT!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

COACH
Aw man, buzzkill.

BRANNIGAN
.....

COACH
I mean, yay, it's the King!

Putting a stop to proceedings, the King and Queen of the Cucaracha Kingdom, Landon and Esther, rush out before anymore embarrassment can occur. They scuttle to the ring, as Krista simmers.

KING LANDON
I'm afraid, as King of the OAOAST, I have to put a stop to this.

KRISTA
And I'm afraid I might punch someone if I don't get some sort of visual morphine to calm me. So, thank goodness, you're here just in time.

KING LANDON
Krista, I can't let you show that footage. What you did last week was an affront to the Kingdom. You took my Queen and you made her into a mockery. That can not and will not happen again.

KRISTA
Well I'm sure interrupting me was a great idea in your head. But, this can't end well for you.

KING LANDON
You clearly don't understand. I'm not here to interrupt you or to confront you. But, I couldn't let you put that footage on. There's no need to kick and shout, or kick up a fuss. I'm just here to set things to rights. So we're going to do things my way. The King's way. Under King's orders. What you did last week was wrong. On many levels. But what was most wrong is the message that you sent, to all of my subjects. You thumbed your nose in the face of royal authority. And that's what has to stop.

With a glance back at his Queen, King Landon leans in close and lowers his voice to near whispers. Still into the microphone, which sorta defeats the point. But still, quieter, so that tender ears won't hear.

KING LANDON
(quietly)
Look, honestly... I've got no problem with the whole "lewd images" thing. Esther can get a little hysterical sometimes. You have to humour her. The King likes a bit of "royal entertainment" now and then, if you know what I'm saying.

Raising his voice back to normal levels, King Landon takes a step back again.

KING LANDON
But, I have to stand up for the views and beliefs of my Queen, on behalf of the Kingdom. And I cannot stand for someone embarrassing the Queen as you two saw fit to! When you embarrass the Queen, you embarrass the Kingdom and when you embarrass the Kingdom, you embarrass the King!

ALIX
Heh, you said "I'm bare ass."

KING LANDON
...

ALIX
Which is ironic, because it was actually Esther who had the bare ass. I like ironic things. One of the side-effects of being gay.

KING LANDON
(getting annoyed)
Look, the point is, I am the King and I demand satisfaction.

KRISTA
I bet you do. Question is what the hell you want us to do about it. I mean, for crying out loud, we stripped her naked and bent her over. We literally can not do anymore to help you without actually fitting you together like a human jigsaw puzzle. And I'm pretty sure that would be illegal. Stripping people of their clothes without consent is one thing, but what you're asking us to do, well, we would only ever dream of doing as roleplay. Fake rape is fun rape. Is that what you're asking? Because if it is, we might be interested. Although you might have to tweak your scenario a little. I don't quite see where we fit inside this human absolutely consentful but let's pretend otherwise jigsaw.

KING LANDON
As King of the OAOAST, I made my demands to President Alfdogg last week. And he has granted me my satisfaction. To apologise for the disgusting acts you committed last week and thanks to my victory over that peasant Nathaniel Black at AngleSlam... Alfdogg has decided to name me, King Landon Maddix, the new number one contender, to your World Title! And at Zero Hour, I will bring home the Championship as centrepiece of the Kingdom and yet more glory to my dominance over the OAOAST!

Queen Esther applauds and the King looks off proudly into the distance, causing Alix and Krista to give each other a funny look.

KING LANDON
In addition, tonight you will be competing in a match. A tune-up match, if you will. Right here in my Prince's province, you will be facing, one on one, James Blonde!

Excited at this news, Blonde jumps his fists.

KING LANDON
Don't worry. It'll be a non-title match. I want that title right where it is ready for Zero Hour... and besides, James hasn't exactly earned a shot lately.

Suddenly James looks slightly sad, as his few fans in attendance boo the King, joining the rest of the crowd in solid defiance.

KING LANDON
And on top of that, I would like an apology for my Queen... and, that videotape, so it may be destroyed. As for tonight, good luck. Keep yourself fresh and keep yourself healthy, if you can. Because in two and a half weeks, you must come face to face with the King. And he will not be a merciful one.

ALIX
Oh noez!

Krista stares back at the King, not looking impressed.

KRISTA
Well, where do I start with all that? *sighs* Okay, listen Landon...

KING LANDON
King Landon.

KRISTA
...you've been around for a while now and really, you should know what's up by this point. You know what I mean? At first, you were some "outsider" and you didn't really understand who was who and what was what, which way was up and which way was down. And it was endearing. In a way. But, here's the thing Landon...

KING LANDON
...King Landon.

KRISTA
...you're walking around with a gaudy looking robe on and an obnoxiously large crown on your head, getting in my face, while I'm in public and holding a microphone. And... it's like... are you asking for a verbal castration? Are you begging me to just tear you up like a wet Kleenex? You can't seriously expect me to stand here and be all fearful and respectful and make out like I should be concerned about our match. Can you? We've met before, right? Don't tell me you're that messed up in the head. You're walking around calling yourself a King and being carried on a throne with a woman who regularly speaks to bugs and insects, so perhaps you are. Perhaps you're so delusional that a conversation with a beetle would be considered an upgrade. I... I can't help myself. I just must insult you. I just must. But I'm afraid that if I start, I may never stop, because you are a grown man in a gown, carrying a scepter. And yet, here you are. What next? Is Christian Wright going to come out in a pink smok and panties and expect it not to come up in the conversation? What is going on here? Is this some kind of test? An intervention?

QUEEN ESTHER
Enough talk! Relinquish the video cassette, or... or... or my King will vanquish you!

KING LANDON
Uhm...

QUEEN ESTHER
Attack! Seize them! Now!

KING LANDON
(to Krista)
Don't listen to her. She'll stop in a minute.

KRISTA
No, I'm pretty sure she wants you to seize me. You'd best do as she says.

KING LANDON
I really don't think that's neccessary...

Shrugging her shoulders, Krista decides to take the fight to Landon with a surprise sucker punch! The Queen cheers, apparantly unaware that her King is getting his ass handed to him by both of Chicks Over Dicks! The former Tag Team Champions pummel the King, then whip him to the ropes for a big double team. Hooking his arms around the ropes, King Landon manages to stop himself though and roll outside to safety, tangled up in his robe and with his crown long gone.

BRANNIGAN
So much for the King. He's outta here.

Which leaves the Queen all alone in the ring with Krista and Alix! Seeing the problem before she does, King Landon thinks about going back to save Queen Esther... but decides against it. And he watches on distraught as Krista and Alix begin to move in on the Queen. Licking their lips.

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

The naive Queen assumes the girls have come to their senses and are going to hand over the video tape. Krista seems almost embarrassed. And in a rare show of compassion, she offers up the tape. Which, accidentally, ends up dropped at the Queen's feet. The Queen exclaims "Oh, heavens" and bends over to pick it up... to be greeted with a firm slap on the BUTT from Alix!

QUEEN ESTHER

....RRRAAAAAPPPEEEEE!!!

KRISTA
Alright, steady on.

The shrill shrieks of the Queen bring her Knights to her aid! Rico and Lucius, The Mardi Gras Hellfire Club, slide in and try to ambush the COD. Alix and Krista fight them off though, as the Queen escapes. Alix fires away on Lucius and Krista wails away at Rico, before picking up the videotape...

*CLUNK*

...and hitting Rico over the head with it.

RICO
Ow!

Left rubbing his scalp, Rico is caught with KIDOLOGY!!!!!! Alix then lures in Lucius, ducking his wild swing and sending him into the path of a KIDOLOGY of his own!!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Chicks Over Dicks stand over the fallen Knights and engage in some sultry moves, as the King and Queen of the OAOAST look on with disdain and despair.

BRANNIGAN
The Kingdom taking their lumps from Chicks Over Dicks! Tonight we will see hometown boy James Blonde in action against world champion Krista Isadora Duncan. What a match that will be!

[Chanel #99]

BRANNIGAN
Let’s now head to the ring where “Mean” Gene Okerlund is standing by for a very special interview.

The camera cuts to the ring where “Mean” Gene Okerlund is indeed standing in the middle of it.

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND
Thanks, Tony. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve had the chance to say that. Anyway, fans, last week was one of the most shocking editions of HeldDOWN~! in OAOAST history! We saw a near-riot take place at the end of the show, but also on that very same edition, we saw the crowning of NEW One And Only World Tag Team Champions in record time! And right now, I will have a word with the brand new One And Only World Tag Team Champions. So, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, please give a warm welcome to the NEW One And Only World Tag Team Champions…Tha Puerto Rican and his brother “Virgin Island Thunder” Victor Perez…Los Puerto Riqueños!

“YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

"THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPS..."

*DUN DUN*

"...ARE..."

*DUN*

"...HERE!"

With that, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, the BRAND NEW Los Puerto Riqueños entrance video plays on the AngleTron and "Know Your Role 2000" begins playing, with the crowd standing up and cheering loudly. The lights go down in the arena. PR AND Victor are heard saying, "THE CHAMPS ARE HERE!" in tune with the beat of the song, while smoke fills the entrance stage and spotlights circle around and around the arena. A few seconds elapsed, the entrance doors slide open and Tha Puerto Rican and “Virgin Island Thunder” Victor Perez step out through the smoke, the One And Only World Tag Team Championship belts in their possession.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Los Puerto Riqueños greet the fans with huge smiles on their faces. They play to their adoring fans on the entrance stage, pointing to their fans, their hearts and their newly acquired belts. Before long, the two brothers begin their walk down the entrance ramp, slapping hands with the fans along the way. The crowd cheers louder than before.

BRANNIGAN
The Quagmire family had a rollercoaster of a week last week thanks in no small part to Theodore Moneymaker! So many emotions were felt, so many thoughts ran through their heads. We saw Tha Puerto Rican get ROBBED of the United States Title at AngleSlam 2 Sundays ago, only to strike back quick and with no remorse just four days later when P.R. and his brother defeated the LDC Moneygang in just seconds to become One And Only World Tag Team Champions for the first time in their respective careers! And as usual, Coach is nowhere to be found, so this is a historic moment in OAOAST history: the very first time that a segment on HeldDOWN~! is being called by myself!

Tha Puerto Rican and Victor Perez stop at ringside to slap hands with the fans before power walking around the ringside area. Tha Puerto Rican is wearing a Puerto Rican flag bandana on his head, sunglasses, an earring on his left ear, a gold chain around his neck, an unbuttoned red dress shirt, a $500 Rolex watch on his right wrist, a silver ring on his right ring finger, gray dress pants with a leather belt and black dress shoes. Victor is wearing a gold chain around his neck, a wifebeater, a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up over the wifebeater, black rubber bands on his wrists, a brown watch on his right wrist, a yellow Livestrong bracelet on his left wrist, a silver ring on *his* right ring finger, blue jeans with a leather belt and brown workman boots.

BRANNIGAN
The Enterprise is reeling from the events of last week! And as OAOAST President Alfdogg said this past week on OAOAST Syndicated, the decision will NOT be overturned! So, one has to wonder what is next for the new One And Only World Tag Team Champions!

Tha Puerto Rican climbs up the ring steps, holding his One And Only World Tag Team Championship belt with his right hand. He gets onto the ring apron and then gives the fans The People’s Eyebrow before smiling. Victor heads to the opposite side of the ring. He smiles at the fans and throws up a peace sign with his left hand while holding his One And Only World Tag Team Championship belt with his right hand. Victor then does a fist pump and shouts, “ALL RIGHT! YEAH! HA! HA!” The brothers enter the ring at the same time. PRL spins around; soaking in the fans’ cheers while “Know Your Role 2000” continues playing over the P.A. system. Tha Puerto Rican puts his One And Only World Tag Team Championship belt in front of him and then does the HBK double biceps pose while Victor raises his One And Only World Tag Team Championship belt over his head behind him. Perez then smiles and throws up a peace sign to the fans. He pounds his chest and points to the crowd, smiling a wide smile as the thousands of Canadians in attendance cheer loudly.

BRANNIGAN
Those two men are the happiest brothers on the face of the Earth right now! Victor Perez, only 7 months into his OAOAST career is now a title holder. Tha Puerto Rican is a Tag Team Champion for the second time in his illustrious career, and this time, he gets to share the Tag Titles with his baby brother! It is a great time to be a Quagmire!

PRL grabs his One And Only World Tag Team Championship belt and slings it over his left shoulder. Victor holds onto his One And Only World Tag Team Championship belt with his right hand. They stand at opposite sides of “Mean” Gene Okerlund. Both men have smiles on their faces. “Know Your Role 2000” dies down.

“MEAN” GENE
Gentlemen, I want to thank you for joining me.

“VIRGIN ISLAND THUNDER” VICTOR PEREZ
No problem!

THA PUERTO RICAN
None at all!

“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”

Tha Puerto Rican and Victor look at the fans and smile. Victor nods his head while PRL does The People’s Eyebrow. PRL “smells the electricity” leading to Victor doing his own version of that same mannerism. PRL chuckles at his little brother copying him.

BRANNIGAN
Even Canadians love Tha Puerto Rican and Victor Perez!

“MEAN” GENE
Gentlemen, I want to thank you for joining me once again. Now, you two young men have had one HELL of a week! You, PRL, suffered embarrassment and the agony of defeat at AngleSlam: The Hollywood Brawl, when you were defeated, by nefarious means, I might add, by Theodore Moneymaker, and you ended up LOSING the United States Championship as a result!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Tha Puerto Rican nods his head, mouthing, “I know. I know.”

“MEAN” GENE
But then, just four days later, not even a week, but only FOUR DAYS later, you got your revenge with the help of your brother, defeating The Enterprise’s very own LDC Moneygang to win the One And Only World Tag Team Titles for the first time in both of your careers!

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Los Puerto Riqueños smile and nod their heads. They then both do a fist pump.

BRANNIGAN
And there’s nothing the LDC Moneygang can do about it!

“MEAN” GENE
OAOAST President Alfdogg has stated that the decision will stand. P.R., you have gone through a lot over the past 12 days. Tell me, tell the OAOAST Galaxy, how do you feel right now?

Before PRL can speak, another “P.R.!” chant breaks out.

“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”

PRL chuckles at the chant.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Well, "Mean" Gene, I feel like I’m on top of the world! And in a way, it’s not just a feeling, but a fact! Because, these belts right here represent the fact that my brother and I are the best when it comes to the art of tag team professional wrestling!

The crowd cheers as the camera does close-up of the belts.

THA PUERTO RICAN (CONT’D)
Now, while I haven’t teamed up with my brother as much as I have wanted to, I think it says something about our combined talents that we were able to unseat the LDC Moneygang in our first match as a tag team in the OAOAST in less than a minute! Doesn’t it? Right?

PR looks to the crowd for an answer, and gets one in the form of more cheers. Victor throws up another peace sign to the fans. PRL laughs.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Los Puerto Riqueños were able to beat the 2-time One And Only World Tag Team Champions the LDC Moneygang in the blink of an eye! We were able to do what many, many, MANY tag teams have been unable to do in the past! We managed to get through all the cheating, all the ducking, all the dodging, all the ways the LDC Moneygang have managed to hold onto the gold, and we just struck at them, struck at them quick, struck at them hard, and struck at them the way a Quagmire should!

More cheers.

THA PUERTO RICAN
And the look on Theodore Moneymaker’s face when the bell rang is an image I will never forget. I’ve rewatched the match so many times over the past week that that image is forever etched into my memory! The look of shock, of disgust, of utter contempt when we beat Spencer Reiger and Colin Maguire, Jr., the look he had on his face brought me more joy than winning 10 Lethal Rumble Matches EVER could!

BRANNIGAN
Defending his people, his roots, his heritage means more to PRL than anything else!

“MEAN” GENE
Gentlemen, if you would, please direct your attention over to the AngleTron to take a look back at the match in question from last week.

Tha Puerto Rican and Victor Perez look to the AngleTron, along with “Mean” Gene and the fans. The OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo flashes across the screen.

MONEYMAKER
Well tonight the LDC Moneygang is going to prove everybody wrong again. Instead of drawing a name at random we’re gonna give the first team that walks down that ramp a tag title shot.

CMJ
COD, Team Heyross, Can-Am Assassins… We don’t care who it is!

REIGER
   

We cut backstage to find LOS CONQUISTADORS laid out.

“THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP…”

*DUN DUN*

“…IS…”

*DUN*

“…HERE!”

COLE
Oh, my!

MONEYMAKER, REIGER & CMJ
:o   

THA PUERTO RICAN and his brother VICTOR PEREZ rush the ring as Moneymaker screams for the timekeeper to start the clock.

* DINGDINGDING *

CMJ and Reiger pounce on PR and Victor, who quickly return fire. The LDCMG regain control via underhanded tactics which draw the ire of referee Billy Silverman. Whipped into the ropes PR and Victor leapfrog the LDCMG.

REIGER & CMJ


PR delivers a BACK CRACKER on Reiger, followed by a Rock-style SPINEBUSTER, while Victor catches CMJ with a spinning forearm!

COLE
The champs are in trouble!

Victor heads to the top as PR positions Reiger for the PR NIGHTMARE.

COACH
Oh, no!

Victor flashes a double peace sign before SOMERSAULTING ONTO CMJ as Reiger is spiked with the JUMPING DDT!

COLE
Swanton Bomb!

Moneymaker hops onto the apron and gets drilled by PR!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

PR and Victor cover the LDCMG.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable! The winners in 47 seconds… and NEW tag team champions of the world… "VIRGIN ISLAND THUNDER" VICTOR PEREZ and THA PUERTO RICAN!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

“Know Your Role 2000” cues and the new champs celebrate in the crowd. Meanwhile, a humiliated Theodore Moneymaker throws a fit inside the ring.

COACH
Talk about a miscarriage of justice, Cole. The LDC Moneygang weren’t prepared for those d-bags.

COLE
It’s not a miscarriage of justice, it’s poetic justice. The LDC Moneygang had no intention of facing real competition tonight, and boy did their plan ever backfire. Tha Puerto Rican and Victor Perez are the new tag team champions!

The OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo flashes across the screen. Cut back to the ring where Los Puerto Riqueños smile after watching the footage. The crowd cheers loudly.

“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”

PRL
Yeah. Yeah. You see that? You see, “Mean” Gene, THAT’S called payback…LATINO STYLE! It seems as though ol’ Moneymaker underestimated the "poor downtrodden" Latino. Because he was bumrushed by not one, but TWO of the people he feels are lower than dirt! Seeing a racist get what’s coming to him is one of the things that makes life worth living for me. And, while he did take the U.S. Title away from me, I made him regret ever messing with me or my people by taking the One And Only World Tag Team Titles away from The Enterprise camp last Thursday night!

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

PRL
And knowing that I did with my own brother makes it all the more sweeter. I am so honored, so glad, so blessed to be sharing my first One And Only World Tag Team Title reign with blood, with my family. And I am so happy knowing that my family at home, my family backstage and my family in the OAOAST Galaxy…

“YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

PRL
…can bare witness to what will undoubtedly be the single GREATEST One And Only World Tag Team Title reign in One And Only AngleSault Thread history! Alone, we are great. Together, Los Puerto Riqueños are UNSTOPPABLE! And that’s the truth, Ruth!

The crowd cheers again.

PRL
And this is for everyone who has been discriminated against. For everyone who has been called a horrible name by a close-minded idiot. For everyone who has been judged and persecuted just because they happen to look different. For everyone who has been considered inferior because of one simple, little insignificant thing like skin pigmentation. This Title reign is for you. For each and every single one of you! Victor and myself know how you feel, we’ve been through the same exact things that you’ve been through, so if you want to ride with us, you’re more than welcome to. If you want to support us and believe in us and follow us to the ends of the Earth, go right ahead. Because, Tha Puerto Rican says that he and his brother, "Virgin Island Thunder" Victor Perez, are going absolutely positively NOWHERE! No. We are going to be around for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG TIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMME! PUERTO RICOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tha Puerto Rican plays to the cheering crowd. Victor applauds his brother.

“MEAN” GENE
Victor, your thoughts?

VICTOR PEREZ
Oh man, I couldn’t have said it better myself! I am in Heaven right now! I can’t remember ever feeling as happy and as fortunate as I do at this very moment! Getting to shut up a loudmouth racist, getting to beat a talented tag team, 2-time One And Only World Tag Team Champions at that, getting to beat them with my brother, winning my first title in the OAOAST less than a year in…it’s overwhelming. This is the thrill of a lifetime!

“MEAN” GENE
This all must be huge for you.

VICTOR
It’s astronomical! I can’t believe this is my reality! This all seems like a dream to me! But, I’m so glad that it’s not. I’m so glad that this is something that I am actually going through, and going through with my older bro! It--it just means a lot to me to know that he is here sharing this incredible moment with me! I can’t believe it! I can’t believe that this is all real!

“MEAN” GENE
It is all real, Victor. You and your brother ARE the One And Only World Tag Team Champions! Los Puerto Riqueños are the best tag team in the world of professional wrestling as of this moment!

VICTOR
I’d just like to say a little something to my fellow Puerto Ricans before I go.

“MEAN” GENE
Go right ahead.

VICTOR
Hola mis hermanos y hermanas en San Juan, Bayamón, Arroyo, Vieques, Jayuya y todas las partes de Puerto Rico! Es un honor y un privilegio representar a todos ustedes! Mi hermano y yo estamos orgullosos de nuestra herencia y nos encanta nuestro pueblo! No vamos a dejar que alguno de ustedes se establecen como One And Only Campeones del Mundo por equipos! El OAOAST es el hogar de los mejores luchadores profesionales en el mundo, y estamos entre los mejores de los mejores! Vamos a representar a Puerto Rico en la medida de nuestras capacidades, y SIEMPRE que darlo todo, no importa qué! Nunca vamos a aflojar, que nunca se vuelvan perezosas. Podrás ver los mejores absolutamente de la "Virgen Island Thunder" Víctor Pérez y Tha Puerto Rico todas las noches! Le damos las gracias por todo su amor y apoyo y le agradecemos todas las amables palabras! Nunca olvidaremos a nuestros fans en la Galaxia OAOAST. Sin ti, sabemos que no estaríamos donde estamos hoy! Por lo tanto, gracias por todo. Nos enca--

“STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT THIS INSTANCE!”

Tha Puerto Rican, Victor Perez and “Mean” Gene Okerlund all turn their attention to the AngleTron where THEODORE MONEYMAKER is standing by in The Enterprise lockerroom holding the OAOAST United States Championship belt over his right shoulder.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

THEODORE MONEYMAKER
Stop speaking that gibberish right now this instance! This is America, SPEAK ENGLISH!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BRANNIGAN
And there is the new United States Champion, but he certainly can’t be a happy U.S. Champ.

Tha Puerto Rican and Victor Perez have cocky smirks on their faces. Moneymaker has a scowl on his face. The crowd boos viciously.

“YOU SUCK!”
“YOU SUCK!”
“YOU SUCK!”
“YOU SUCK!”

MONEYMAKER
You two low-lives better shut up with that jungle crap and speak a REAL language! Now, last week, we all bare witness to the biggest travesty this nation has seen since Barack Obama was officially sworn in as President Of The United States. My two proud men. My two fierce, tough, VICIOUS warriors were ROBBED, ROBBED last week! They had something outright STOLEN from them by two Puerto Rican thugs. Only this time, it wasn’t any hubcaps that were stolen from them, it was the PRESTIGIOUS One And Only World Tag Team Titles!

“YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Los Puerto Riqueños smile and nod their heads.

MONEYMAKER
And yet, in an act of reverse discrimination, the decision still stands! Once again, affirmative action rears its ugly, repulsive, disgusting head here in the One And Only AngleSault Thread! And this time, its victims are two clean, honest men full of integrity and dignity!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BRANNIGAN
Uh-huh.

PRL and Victor try to hold back their laughter upon hearing this. Even “Mean” Gene rolls his eyes upon hearing Teddy’s comments.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Oh please, Teddy! Stop with the sob story! Your BOYS got beat by two MEN! DEAL WITH IT, PINK BOY!

Spencer Reiger and Colin Maguire, Jr. step into the shot, standing at opposite sides of Moneymaker. The three Enterprise members eye the two Puerto Ricans IN ANGER~!. Both members of the LDC Moneygang start breathing hard, their faces now turning red from the rage they are feeling at this moment, looking at the two men who took the belts away from them.

MONEYMAKER
It’s bad enough that Hispanics are taking over this once great nation. Now, they are taking over this once great federation! I’m honestly surprised that the two of you haven’t sold those belts yet for drugs or bongos or whatever else your people do for fun!

BRANNIGAN
Classy.

MONEYMAKER
You two have done the impossible. You have managed to SINK the One And Only World Tag Team Championship even LOWER than when Chicks Over Dicks held them on six separate occasions! I thought it couldn’t get any worse than when those carpet munching dykes held those Titles, but it has! Two men who should be cleaning one of my mansions, two men who should be our butlers are instead Tag Team Champions!

“YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

MONEYMAKER
And you people better SHUT UP when I’m speaking!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Moneymaker takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

“YOU SUCK!”
“YOU SUCK!”

PR makes a “talks too much” hand gesture. Victor laughs at this.

MONEYMAKER
But it’s okay. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to whine. I’m not going to bitch. I’m not going to complain. For I will do my part to stop the Latino takeover of the United States Of America. I can’t get Sonia Sotomayor to leave the Supreme Court…even though I’ve tried to. I can’t stop Hispanics from coming to Miami or California or Texas or Arizona…even though I’ve tried to. But, I CAN stop them from dominating the OAOAST! I already have done a little bit to stop this invasion from happening (stops to look at the OAOAST United States Title belt that is over his right shoulder)…but it seems like I must do more! That is why I am invoking the LDC Moneygang’s rematch clause and daring you two pieces of filth to put up the One And Only World Tag Team Titles in a match-up against them on Sunday September 26th at Zero Hour: Collision In Music City!

BRANNIGAN
Hey! That sounds like a fine match!

PRL and Victor look at each other, obviously not worried about facing the LDC Moneygang in a match again.

MONEYMAKER
BUT…BUT…hold on. Wait a second. Just wait. There’s more to it than just a simple two-on-two rematch. I’m going to just tell you this outright since your reading skills need a little work, apparently. This will not be no ordinary rematch. No, instead, this will be a 3-On-2 HANDICAP MATCH! You two will face the LDC Moneygang AND THEIR PARTNER…THE ONE AND ONLY ANGLESAULT THREAD UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLING CHAMPION…ME!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

PR and Victor are a little irked by this.

BRANNIGAN
Oh boy. This doesn’t sound too good for Los Puerto Riqueños!  

The LDC Moneygang have smug looks on their faces now as they nod their heads. Spencer pats Moneymaker on his left shoulder while CMJ mouths, “YEAH!” and pumps his fist.

MONEYMAKER
Now, MY United States Title will NOT be on the line in this contest, so P.R., don’t think, in the unlikely event that you pin me or make me tap out, that you will regain the U.S. Title! Because, no matter what you do, P.R., you will NOT be getting this belt back AND YOU NEVER WILL! And, should *I* be the one to score the pinfall or to gain the submission victory for my team, not to worry, my friends, because the One And Only World Tag Team Titles will indeed return to you two!

BRANNIGAN
Interesting rules in this one, fans!

CMJ and SR nod their heads and breathe a sigh of relief upon hearing this. Spencer says, “You almost gave me a heart attack there! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!” PR and Victor still show no signs of fear, worry or anxiety about their upcoming match-up against 3 men at Zero Hour 2010.  

MONEYMAKER
Yes, at Zero Hour 2010, the One And Only World Tag Team Titles will come home! They will come back to The Enterprise! Unless, of course, you are too scared to accept our challenge! And I’d understand if you were, because if I were a Hispanic, God forbid, I would be scared of facing three powerful white men too!

The LDC Moneygang laugh at this.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Listen, Moneymaker, do you REALLY want to carry on this crusade against Latinos everywhere?

Moneymaker nods his head.

VICTOR PEREZ
And do you REALLY want a piece of us so badly that you are putting yourself into your friends’ match against us?

Moneymaker nods his head again.

THA PUERTO RICAN
And do you REALLY want to sleep with both Spencer Reiger AND Colin Maguire, Jr. so damn badly that you are willing to fight the two of us in the hopes that, if you guys win, then they will both fall in love with you and the two of them will want to have sex with you?

Moneymaker nods his head…before suddenly realizing what Tha Puerto Rican just said and violently shaking it, screaming while the crowd cheers loudly. PRL and Victor smile while CMJ sneers and curses at PRL and Victor. He also points a menacing finger at them. Meanwhile, Spencer Reiger just eyes Teddy with some suspicion.

MONEYMAKER
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! THAT’S NOT TRUE! THAT ISN’T THE CASE AT ALL! YOU LOW-LIVES! YOU SONS OF BITCHES! I AM GOING TO HURT YOU TWO! YOU ARE GOING TO WISH THAT YOU WERE CLEANING TOILETS WHEN WE’RE DONE WITH YOU!

COLIN MAGUIRE, JR.
You’re not going to leave Nashville with the Tag belts, you punks!

SPENCER REIGER
We have everything under control! Everything is really going our way!

THA PUERTO RICAN
Oh save it! We’ve heard it all before! Listen, JUST BRING IT! That’s all! Grow some balls and bring your asses to Nashville, so that we can kick them repeatedly! And as for you, Theodore Moneymaker, and your racist views, you can take those racist views, shine them up real nice…no wait, they don’t deserve to be shined up real nice! They’re old and outdated and deserve to fade away into nothingness! So, instead, take those racist views AND STICK THEM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!

“YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

THA PUERTO RICAN
In case we haven’t made things clear…

Tha Puerto Rican and Victor Perez look at each other.

PRL AND VICTOR
We accept!

The crowd cheers!

BRANNIGAN
What a match-up we have in store for Zero Hour! A 3-On-2 Handicap Match for the One And Only World Tag Team Titles!

THA PUERTO RICAN
And Teddy, we just have one more thing left to say. And since we know that you just LOVE hearing people speak Spanish, we’re going to say it in our native tongue! Theodore Moneymaker, ir chupar del pezón de un mono y hacer el amor con una cabra enferma que violar a burro come mierda! (English Translation: go suck on a monkey’s nipple and make love to a diseased goat you donkey raping shit eater!)

Moneymaker and the LDC Moneygang fume. The crowd cheers!

MONEYMAKER
SPEAK ENGLISH!

BRANNIGAN
Oh boy! I don’t know what P.R. just said, but it’s probably something that wouldn’t get pass the censors!

Tha Puerto Rican snatches the microphone away from “Mean” Gene Okerlund, stands in the center of the ring, tilts his head back and then raises the microphone to his lips.

THA PUERTO RICAN
THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPS…HAVE…SPO-KUN~!!!

Tha Puerto Rican drops the microphone onto the mat as “Know Your Role 2000” starts playing over the P.A. system again. The crowd cheers loudly. PRL and Victor stand in the ring holding their One And Only World Tag Team Championship belts. PRL does The People’s Eyebrow. The LDC Moneygang and Theodore Moneymaker are still on the AngleTron staring at Los Puerto Riqueños with scowls on all three of their faces.

BRANNIGAN
What an exciting match coming up at Zero Hour: Collision In Music City! A 3-On-2 Handicap Match for the One And Only World Tag Team Titles! Tha Puerto Rican and “Virgin Island Thunder” Victor Perez, Los Puerto Riqueños, vs. Theodore Moneymaker, Spencer Reiger and Colin Maguire, Jr. of The Enterprise!

Los Puerto Riqueños raise their One And Only World Tag Team Championship belts over their heads to the fans’ delight.

BRANNIGAN
Theodore Moneymaker thinks he has the perfect plan to bring the gold back to The Enterprise! The Enterprise will have the one man advantage at Zero Hour, but the Tag Champs are showing no fear as they head into this gigantic battle!

Tha Puerto Rican heads to a second turnbuckle. Once there, he raises his One And Only World Tag Team Championship belt high into the air with his right hand while he “smells the electricity”. Victor throws up a peace sign to the cheering fans.

VICTOR PEREZ
PUERTO RICOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BRANNIGAN
The P.R./Moneymaker rivalry and the OAOAST Tag Team Division are heating up just as the summer ends! We will be right back with more HeldDOWN~! right after this!  

PRL does the same Rock pose on another second turnbuckle. Victor heads to the opposite second turnbuckle and raises his One And Only World Tag Team Title belt over his head to loud cheers. “Virgin Island Thunder” Victor Perez and Tha Puerto Rican get off of the turnbuckles and meet in the center of the ring. They start chatting it up, holding their respective One And Only World Tag Team Championship belts while doing so, as “Know Your Role 2000” continues playing.

COMMERCIALS

[Chanel #99]

SNOOP DOGG
Greetings loved ones
Lets take a journey

KATY PERRY
California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
Will melt your popsicle
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
West coast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

Alix Maria Spezia arrives onto scene and earns a huge pop in the process.  She smiles and waves at the audience as she makes her way to the ring.

BRANNIGAN
The last time this spicy Latina was seen-

COACH
She was raping the Queen!

BRANNIGAN
It was all in good fun.

ALIX
What’s hood, homies? Can we talk about cereal for a second?  About Rice Krispees. About the loveable dudes known as Snap, Crackle, and Pop.  For you see, dear citizens, we can all learn a pretty awesome lesson from these three dudes. Snap and Pop are down ass niggas, they like to play Madden on the 360, they “like” Family Feud on Facebook, they occasionally dip into Rice Krispee land’s overflowing supply of transsexual hookers, they smoke a fat one every now and then. They’re good guys. Then there’s that bitch ass whiteboy Crackle. Crackle doesn’t want to let anybody have any fun.  Pop and Snap wanna hit the strip clubs, Crackle comes in on some don’t exploit these women bullshit, empower them to go to college and better their lives. Pop and Snap just trynna see some tities this ain’t Designing Women, nigga. Pop and Snap wanna have a cocaine party, Crackle starts talking mess about laws and coke is illegal and you can die from an overdose and all those crazy things teachers tell you about drugs that just aren’t true! Snap and Pop realize their internal lust for one another burns brighter than an Olympic torch and must satisfy their homoerotic urges on Crackle’s childhood bed. Well, Crackle comes and says that’s not right, I’ve been masturbating to Midget porn on that bed since I was two, the first time my daddy felt me up was on that bed, I cried myself to sleep on that bed when Mario Lopez never answered the tender love letter I sent professing my undying passion for the true King of Bayside. So Crackle comes into Pop’s room and just destroys the whole place. So now Pop has to be a down ass nigga and put the beats on Crackle when Pop is all about love. Do you see where this is going, people? Its going to place where you realize Coke Zero taste nothing like regular Coke, no matter what those add monkeys try to tell you. Oh and its also a place where Mister Dick is a jerkoff and I’m gonna kill him. Let’s go to the phones. Caller you’re totally on the air.

BRANNIGAN
Phones? Caller?

CALLER
Yo this here P.Nut.

BRANNIGAN
What the heck? This is not a call in show.

ALIX
What’s up P.Nut?

CALLER
Yo the white man is fucking up!

ALIX
Isn’t he always?

CALLER
True dat. I just wanna know why Mister Dick is such a bitch ass nigga.

ALIX
Well, caller, that’s a question that a lot of dudes have been asking.  And I totally have the answer! There is a section in the left brain, that lies dormant in most people, this is called the bitch ass nigga section. Sometimes it can be activated due to high levels of douchebagginess. When the bitch ass nigga section is active a person may experience a sudden and uncontrollable urge to act like a bitch ass nigga. They may do things like listen to Nickelback, vote Republican, or become a sports talk radio host. All bitch ass nigga behaviors. Many scientist believe that an overactive bitch ass nigga section is commonly found in men who are 6’4 have blond hair and live in San Antonio, Texas. This person often suffers extereme bitchassness and will do something like threaten to have sex on his worst enemy’s childhood bed, then get mad when the worst enemy does the same thing instead of accepting the pretty awesome fact that two lesbians are getting their freak on and you didn’t have to pay 50 cents to watch it in one of those booths with the icky dried up semen and peep hole where the owner watches you unknowingly pleasure yourself, and when you do notice you keep doing it because its kind of hot to have an audience. Then you cum and you feel awkward and weird, and you realize you just masturbated inside a strange booth with a fat Asian man staring at you through a tiny hole and suddenly life starts to suck again. Next caller, please!

CALLER
Yeah, I’d like a large pepperoni and sausage pizza, with extra cheese. And can I get a two liter bottle of coke.

ALIX
Would you like any cheesesticks?

CALLER
No thank you.

ALIX
All right, your order will be delivered in around 40 minutes. Next caller, please.

CALLER
Yeah, I’m wondering if Mister Dick will ever remove the stick out of his ass?

BRANNIGAN
Where are these people coming from?

ALIX
That stick you refer to is actually Malaysia’s giant penis. But if it does ever get removed I’ll be sure to have my foot take its place.  Next caller, please.

CALLER
Yeah, I’m wondering if you have any plans to fight Mister Dick after what he did to your set on Syndicated?

ALIX
Caller, I’ve killed men for less than what Mister Dick did to me. Cracked open their skull, feasted on their brain matter, and sung the greatest hits of Motown to an audience of magical frogs. Jock, you think you can destroy my set and get away with it? Well, normally you can because when I get angry I just squeeze Krista’s boobs, they’re like stress balls but they taste like Cherry Soda! But I don’t see Krista’s boobs around here, so I’m still really angry so that means you’re on my hit list and I’m going to get you good!

Alix makes an intimidating face to the camera. Its not very intimidating at all, but at least she's trying.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

BRANNIGAN
Folks, some crazy goings-on in the last week here in the OAOAST. And one star who didn't make the trip up to Canada with us was Tim Cash. Now, you might have heard some rumours over the past couple of days. Tim Cash, arrested. Well, it looks like there was more than met the eye with this story. And we've got footage that will explain it all and shed some light on this surprising news. Take a look.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's a late and calm afternoon, located in a small parking lot outside of a family planning clinic in Southern California. The camera watching over the parking lot picks up some distant noise and no more than a couple of people can be seen walking through the lot. Just a quiet day. The quiet, though, doesn't last for long.

Hounded out of the front door of the clinic, even from a distance, it's clear that Tim Cash is distressed. He waves his hands around, seemingly trying to explain something, as a smartly dressed woman brandishes a large envelope in her hand.

CASH
Madam, I swear to you, I have no idea where those pictures came from. I've never seen that girl in my life, I swear. Please. This must be some sort of a practical joke.

WOMAN
I'm sorry Mr. Cash. But this is no joke. We simply can't allow someone like you to be giving a talk on teenage pregnancies... to let someone like you near young women... it would be irresponsible! We'll be letting your employers know about this.

CASH
You've got to believe me! Those photos simply aren't real!

Not wanting to hear anymore, the woman shoves the envelope into Cash's chest and storms back inside. Left outside in shock, Tim looks flustered. He glances around nervously, wondering if anyone saw that arguement, before going back to the envelope. He lifts one of the glossy photographs up, looks at it, recoils and quickly slides it back in.

After another check that he's not been seen, Tim hurries across the parking lot to his rental car. Throwing the envelope into the back seat, he jogs around the back of the car and heads for the driver's seat... to be confronted by one, deflated front tyre.

CASH
Oh no...

Shaking his head, Tim looks the tyre over a few times from a few different angles. Definitely a flat. But, he decides, drivable and he gets into the car. After a few seconds to compose himself after his strange confrontation, Tim can be seen taking a deep breath and starting up the car. As he pulls out though, another car comes swinging out behind him.


*CRASH!*


The other car's alarm begins to whirr and Cash looks around in shock. He quickly gets out and rushes to check on the damage to whomever he hit. It doesn't take long for passers-by to stop and come to help either. And for the clinic's staff to rush out, having heard the crash.

CASH
Oh, heavens, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

The passenger is okay.

Infact, it's Tim who's in shock, as from the passenger's seat, out gets MORGAN NERDLY, nursing her neck. And the driver? Yes, LEON RODEZ.

RODEZ
My bad. Guess I should have looked before pulling out.

CASH

You!

RODEZ
I think we ought to exchange details, Mister......

CASH
(shaking)
It was you! Wasn't it!?

By now there's quite a crowd gathered around, as the two drivers have squared up. Playing it completely cool, Leon doesn't even make eye contact with Tim and casually inspects the damage to his paintwork. Cash, fuming, grabs Leon by the shoulder and spins him around.

LEON
Hey, easy. I apologised, what more do you want?

CASH
You set me up. Didn't you? What is this!? Huh!?

LEON
You're clearly in shock. Can somebody calm this man down please?

Re-emerging from the back of his car, Cash shoves the envelope at Leon, who refuses to take hold of it. Morgan has stood herself at Leon's side and looks worried at the look in Tim's eye.

CASH
Doctored photos. I wonder who could have been responsible for that? Maybe the former policewoman! Do you realise what you've done to me? I've never been so humiliated or so disgusted in my life. You're sick. You hear? Sick!

Glancing down, Leon lifts one of the photos out and raises an eyebrow.

LEON
Looks to me like you're the one who's sick.

CASH
.....ARRGGHH!!

Suddenly, Tim can take no more and takes a swing at Leon...




...and punches MORGAN right in the face!!!!

CASH


Gasps from the crowd are drowned out by POLICE SIRENS, as a cop car not so conveniently pulls into the parking lot with impeccably bad timing for Tim. Leon helps up Morgan, by the same piece of clothing used to pull her into the path of the punch, checking the bloody nose that she's recieved. Tim stands shaking in shock, as the murmurs of the crowd of onlookers hover around him. Leon meanwhile, very calmly, looks over to the cops and points at Tim.

COP #1
What the hell's going on?

LEON
Arrest him! I want to press charges!

Putting two and two together, the cops surprise Tim by grabbing him and turning him against his car, slapping on the cuffs!

CASH
No! No, you don't understand...

COP #2
Sir, you're under arrest for assault... you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, the state appoints one for you free of charge if you wish. Do you understand?

Still in shock, Tim looks up at the shamed faces of the passers-by as he's lead to the cop car.


With an arm around Morgan, Leon watches him all the way into the back of the car, with a satisfied look on his face.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Back to the arena and the live crowd boo what they've just seen.

COACH
Damn. I can't believe it... Tim Cash's halo be slippin'! Dangerous driving, explicit photos, woman beating. I had that cat all wrong!

BRANNIGAN
I think it was pretty obvious from that footage, that was a calculated set-up. You heard Leon last week, he was going to make Tim's life miserable. And then, all that happens? You seriously want to tell me that that was all some kind of cosmic coincidence?

COACH
Hey, maybe life just caught up to ol' two-faced Tim.

BRANNIGAN
Well, whatever "really" happened, Tim's situation has been sorted with the California state police. But that is no consolation to the pride and character of the man. Leon Rodez tried to ruin Tim Cash's good name, for reasons only he could explain.

COACH
Allegedly.

BRANNIGAN
All I know is, Leon is making this way too personal. Competition is one thing. But when you start messing with a man's life, then you've got something coming to you, if you ask me. Let's go backstage to Terry Taylor. Terry?

[Chanel #99]

The interview lounge is where its at as Terry Taylor stands with Holly

TAYLOR
Terry Taylor standing with former women’s champion, Holly. Holly after being pinned by Jade in the ejaculation chamber do you think you have what it takes to beat her in a one on one compeition?

HOLLY
I don’t think I like your tone, (beep) sucker.

TAYLOR
I just asked a question.

HOLLY
(beep) your question and (beep) you. (beep) you for doubting me. So what if I took two of those god damn Got it from her mama reverse x-factors? So the (beep) what? You think that just because that whore can grab me from behind when I’m not looking and slam me to the mat, I’m supposed to be the (beep) underdog. (beep) you, I’m queen bitch, I run this shit. That spoiled little princess wouldn’t last two (beep) seconds in a real (beep) fight with me.

TAYLOR
But she has lasted in a fight with you, almost beating you at the South Beach Spectacular.

HOLLY
Once again I don’t like your (beep) tone, (beep)head. (beep) that match. You ever heard of an aberration? It means a departure from what’s normal, looked it up on the dictionary on my Mac Book. That’s what the (beep) that shit was. An aberration.  That match never (beep) happens, because 9 times out of 10 I destroy the bitch.

TAYLOR
So you’re ready to face Jade at Zero Hour?

HOLLY
(beep) right I am. I’m glad she’s got her stupid ass family in the OAOAST, I hope her (beep) of a grandmother and her (beep) sucking grandfather are watching because I want them all to see me crush their baby girl. And when that bitch Maya grows the ovaries to step into the ring with me I’m gonna (beep) crush her to. Hey, you're friends with the Duncan family, right?

TAYLOR
I most certainly am and I’m chief executive officer of the league to steal Krista’s thongs. Why?

HOLLY
Give them this message.

Holly knees Terry in the groin and roughly shoves him to the ground.

HOLLY
Later.

Holly walks off with Terry Taylor writhing in pure agony.

[Chanel #99]

“The church of Hot Addiction” summons James Blonde from back. With him comes a wealth of cheers from the Vancouver crowd.

BRANNIGAN
The Vancouver portion of the OAOAST Galaxy is showing a lot of love for their hometown boy, James Blonde.

Filled with confidence by the cheers of the audience, Blonde does a little shuffle before heading to the ring.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of twenty minutes! Now making his way to the ring from right here in Vancouver, he represents the Cucaracha Kingdom, he is The Trendsetter JAAAAAAMMMMEESSSSS BLOOOOOOOONNNNNDDDDDDE!

Blonde slides into the ring where he strikes a pose fitting of a man known as The Prince Of Panache.

BRANNIGAN
Blonde is under very strict orders from Landon Maddix to hurt Krista as much as possible.  However, I would think if Maddix wanted to hurt Krista, he’d have sent Faqu. Blonde has no reach or height advantage over Krista. She’s probably quicker than him as well.

COACH
Tony, Tony, listen to yourself Faqu is a pawn, a foot soldier, but James Blonde, he’s a prince and sometimes the prince must lead the charge into battle. The lowly peasant known as Krista Isadora Duncan has besmirched the Kingdom's name. She must pay!

BRANNIGAN
You realize that "lowly peasant" is the highest paid person in the OAOAST and could buy this company and fire us both if we say anything bad about her.

COACH
Did I lowly peasant? I mean darling angel of light and good.

Blonde smiles and works up the cheering crowd into a frenzy. He's clearly happy to finally have people appreciate and respect him.

* BZZZZZZT *

Static fills the screen, then cuts to black and white video shot from a hidden camera backstage at HeldDOWN~! with the caption OMG TV at the top left hand corner. In the footage we see James Blonde conversing with Faqu and Rico.

BLONDE
This is it guys, my big break, my chance to do something great for Landon! He’s going to be so proud of me. Maybe we’ll go fishing together, or go for a walk on the beach, or ride one of those two seater bikes. Well, that’s not important right now, I guess. What is important is that I’m wrestling in front of my hometown crowd. You’d think that would be great, but this place has really gone downhill! The people, they simply just don’t know to dress. I’ve seen soup kitchens with better dressed people. And a lot of them, especially the women, are ugly as a horse’s ass! I’m just ashamed that a great man like Landon has to be in such an unwelcoming dump. I hope he doesn’t think any less of me for being from this hellhole.


OMG!

* BZZZZZZT *

BLONDE


CROWD


BRANNIGAN
In the span of thirty seconds James Blonde has managed to turn from biggest face in Vancouver to the biggest heel in Vancouver.

COACH
That wasn’t James Blonde,that was um Quentin Benjamin. They look a lot like, you know.

Give me those bright lights, long nights
High rise, over time

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Give me them bright lights, long nights
Party till the sun is rising
High rise, over time
Working till the moon is shining
Hot guys, fly girls
Never thought I'd say
I feel on top of the world
I feel on top of the world Hey

The crowd’s bad mood instantly evaporates with the arrival of dancers dressed in skimpy hockey gear of shoulder pads, bikini bottoms helmets and sticks. Coming into this scene is world champion Krista Isadora Duncan.  The dancers fawn over the blond beauty who’s dressed in a yellow miniskirt and a black halter top. The world champion strikes an alluring pose as multicolored lights flicker on the stage floor.

BUFFER
And the champion! She is a best selling author and star of the world famous FIT with KID line of exercise videos! 2009's most searched superstar on Yahoo, 2009's highest trending OAOAST topic on Twitter, a member of the Hollywood walk of fame, 2009's Angle Award winning Wrestler Of The Year, more famous than everyone else put together and multiplied by four! She is a three time OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... ladies and gentlemen, "MISS CALIFORNIA"... KKRRIIIIISSTTAAAA ISADORA... DDUUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!

Krista walks down a glitter soaked ramp with an arrogant gait. All around her fashion photographers snap pictures of her lovely body.

BRANNIGAN
One would think that Krista is hoping for a less eventful mainevent this week.

COACH
She ain’t the only one.

Krista hangs herself upside down on the third rope, showcasing her awesome legs and drawing aroused cheers from the audience.

DING DING DING

KRISTA
Honey what is this?

BLONDE
What is what?

KRISTA
What you’re wearing, what is it?

BLONDE
These are purple and green zebra print Capri pants, hot pink vest with bells and a headband with cool tribal script, and lets not forget my matching blue and yellow armbands, and rainbow boots. I like good, right?

KRISTA
How can I put this delicately? Not trying to be vulgar, but it looks like Tinky Winky from the teletubbies sat on a toilet and this is what popped out. Honey, you look terrible. I feel a sudden overwhelming urge to bludgeon myself with a bat, or hang myself from the rafters, or dance naked in speeding traffic. But I have no bat, no rope, and no speeding traffic, so I’m forced to look at you and the only thing I can think is gee this guy must bathe in cocaine and brush his teeth with PCP. Quite frankly, you are the most poorly dressed person I’ve ever encountered and that says a lot because I’ve met Ben Affleck. The very fact you would wear that for any other reason besides wanting to get the crap kicked out of you by homophobic skinheads is stunning. The very fact that you have friends who let you come out here dressed like that tells me that the entire Kingdom must have had a steady diet of paint chips and rubber cement as child. How you can honestly ask if you look good will forever be one of earth's unsolved mysteries.

COMMERCIAL

We return from break and Krista is still sonning James Blonde.

KRISTA
I believe even a blind person might be offended by your appearance. Your parents and family are probably here tonight and this is how you chose to greet them. It looks like a drag queen and a hair metal band exploded on your body. This is the kind of outfit Maya created on Barbie:Fun with Fashion when she was 5 and I had to tell her it looked good so I wouldn't destroy the poor girl's self esteem, but secretly I told myself if I ever saw anyone dressed like that, I would consider it civic duty to knee them in the groin.

BLONDE
ENOUGH!

Blonde charges at Krista with a lariat. But the world champ merely sticks out  her foot and trips him! The Prince of Panache slaps the mat in frustration and leaps to his feet. He takes another dash towards Krista, and again he’s tripped over.

KRISTA
This is going to be a long night for you, Jimmy.

Blonde stands up and engages in a lockup with the world champion. The two struggle for position until Blonde grabs onto one of Krista’s well insured legs and attempts to drag her to the ground. But Krista swings out to his front , and then executes a switch to hook him into a rear waistlock.

KRISTA
I can just feel the shitty wrestling, shoddy promos, and questionable sexual experiences oozing off of you into my pores.

This of course angers Blonde and he fights out the rear waistlock to take control of the blond beauty. But Krista counters by throwing him to the canvas with a Judo style throw and takes hold his arm. Fortunatley Blonde is near the ropes and grabs onto them for salvation.

KRISTA
TAP OR SNAP! TAP OR SNAP! ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

CROWD


KRISTA
See what I mean? His crappiness is infecting me! Next thing you know, I might actually start to like wrestling. Gross!

Krista lets Blonde up, but not before tossing his stringy hair. Not exactly appreciating this Blonde shoves her to the ground.  His rainbow colored boots hammer at her midsection. Next Blonde decides to taunt Krista by flicking his sweat at her.

KRISTA
Just because Landon showers you in semen every night does not give you the right to shower me in sweat.

Blonde takes a moment to assure senior referee Clem Buzzlefoxer that that is not the case. Turning his attention back to Krista he whips her into the ropes. But on the return trip she slides between his legs. A confused Blonde turns around and is superkicked over the ropes!

BRANNIGAN
The Prince of Panache never saw that superkick coming. You have to be constantly alert when you’re in the ring with a world champion.

Blonde picks himself off the canvas, getting little support from his hometown audience. Injury is soon added to insult as Krista bombs him with a twisting plancha!  The fans applaud Krista’s performance as she bows and blows kisses to them.

COACH
These people got no shame in their game! How they gonna root against one of their own.

BRANNIGAN
I imagine its fairly easy when he calls them ugly. But, Blonde needs to not focus on the crowd and instead focus on the champ.

Krista picks Blonde off the mats and shoves him inside the ring. She then makes her way onto the ring apron.  However, Blonde has recovered his strength and charges at her.  Krista rather calmly flicks her elbow at him, stunning The Trendsetter.  She then grabs onto his head and slices his neck against the ring ropes.  From there she slingshots her way onto the second turnbuckle post. But Blonde makes a desperate lung for her legs and ends up tripping her down to the canvas. Blonde hurriedly rolls himself out the ring.  Once on the outside, he drapes Krista across the ring apron. He takes several steps back before striding forward and punting her in the head! She falls out to the ring mats, clutching her sore head and wincing in pain,

BLONDE
Who’s laughing now, huh?

Blonde scrapes Krista off the ring mats in order to dump her into the ring. He follows in after her, and drapes his arm across her body for a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Krista manages to kickout!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the fans delight , causing Blonde to cast an evil glare at his hometown audience.

COACH
James is right, these people have no taste in clothes and in wrestlers.

The Prince of Panache mounts Krista and hammers her with closed fists. These earn a warning from Buzzlefoxer, forcing him to cut short his assault. Blonde changes his offense by heading up to the second rope. He flashes a thumbs up to the less than appreciative audience  before flying off the second rope with a fist drop. A cover is then made…

ONE!


TWO!

Krista throws her shoulder off the canvas.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Blonde puts his finger to his lips in a wasted effort to silence his hometown crowd.  Giving up on that task, Blonde pulls Krista to her feet by her blond hair. The Trendsetter sends her into the corner. But Krista leaps onto the third rope and rockets back at Blonde with a moonsault. Thinking quickly, Blonde slides out the way and Krista crashes into the canvas..

BRANNIGAN
Great reflexes shown by one third of the six man champions.

Blonde throws Krista into the ropes.  He makes the costly mistake of lowering his head, allowing Krista to kick him in the face. The world champ then bounces off the ropes. This time Blonde is ready for her as he knees her her in tightly toned stomach.  With Krista doubled over, Blonde wraps his arms around her waist and executes a gutwrench suplex. A pinfall is then attempted….

ONE!


TWO!

Krista kicksout and rolls over onto her stomach. Blonde sees an opportunity for carnage and begins rubbing her face into the sweat soaked canvas.

BLONDE
I’M THE PRETTY BITCH! I’M THE PRETTY BITCH!

BRANNIGAN
Did he just call himself a pretty bitch?

COACH
Uh, no homo.

Blonde eventually lets Krista go in order to gently stroke his golden hair. Once he notices Krista begin to rise off the canvas, The Prince of Panache rushes over to trap her inside a full nelson.

“LET’S GO KRISTA! LET’S GO KRISTA! LET’S GO KRISTA!” the fans immediately begin rallying the world champion.

Blonde wrenches on the hold and swings Krista from side to side. He screams at her to submit, but she refuses to give into the pain. Her ressilencey pays off when she’s able to cause Blonde immense pain with a mule kick.  He frees Krista and promptly clutches his royal jewels. This leaves him open to the Pele kick Miss California wings into his head.

BRANNIGAN
That was a nasty strike. Imagine being hit in the head with a rubber mallet that’s what it feels like when Krista kicks you.

KRISTA
So James I heard you’re a grandson of a famous Nazi general in World War II

BLONDE
What? What are you talking about?

KRISTA
And Clem I heard you were in World War II. I believe you served in the taking of Kharkov?

CLEM
Lost a lot of good men that day, including my own brother. Got taken prisoner and they tortured me without mercy.

KRISTA
Its funny because James’ grandfather was stationed at Kharkov, and he was in charge of the POW interrogation. So, its possible he could’ve been the one….nah, that’s unlikely. Just forget  I said anything.

CLEM
DIE NAZI DEVIL!

BLONDE
Huh? Wait, what’s going on?

Clem begins to choke Blonde! Stunned by the oddly powerful grip of the old timer, Blonde gags and wheezs and motions for Krista to help him.

KRISTA
You need my help, honey?

BLONDE
ACKYESACK!

KRISTA
Okay, hold real still.

Krista clocks The Trendsetter in the side of the head with a superkick! Blonde falls out of Clem’s grasp and slams against the mat.

BRANNIGNAN
Ladies and gentlemen that’s the heir to King Landon’s throne.

Rightly angered, Blonde speeds to his feet. He can offer no attack as Krista whips him into the ropes. When he returns she leaps into the air to nail him under the jaw with a twisting leg lariat!

KRISTA
Booty time!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Krista prepares to shake what her mama gave her, but notices that Blonde has sat up.  Thus she runs the ropes and returns to nail him with a John Morrison style running knee.

BRANNIGAN
CLASSIC Krista Isadora Duncan.

Now its booty time, as Krista gets her gorgeous ass shaking. The bouncing of golden brown flesh is almost hypnotizing in its sexiness, and titillates a wealth of audience members. She then flips backwards for the moonsault.  

The referee counts the ensuing pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Blonde throws his shoulder off the mat. He slinks to the corner, where he uses the ropes to raise himself upright. Krista darts to his position expecting to hit a body splash. But The Prince Of Panache slides out the way and Krista bashes the turnbuckles.  Miss California staggers backwards right into Blonde’s arms.  He throws her backwards with a lethal inverted bodyslam! Expecting to receive grand cheers from his hometown crowd, Blonde pops up and raises his arms.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Showing a sour face over the crowd’s jeering, Blonde  makes a casual cover…

ONE!

TWO!

Krista makes a kickout!

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

COACH
Tony there is seriously something with these people. How can they boo a local hero?

BRANNIGAN
Certainly the Vancouver crowd seems more smitten with his opponent.  But Blonde did himself no favors calling them ugly and questioning their fashion sense.

Blonde hurls Krista into the turnbuckles. His rainbow colored boots follow her, leaping into the air for a body splash. But Krista quickly scurries onto the ring apron, and throws her long leg up to nail him in the head with a powerful kick. Blonde staggers backwards, barely able to stay on his feet. His opponent climbs to the top rope and after wiggling her fine ass to the audience flies off the top rope with a missile dropkick! With Blonde KO’ed by the move, Krista attempts a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Blonde gets the shoulder up!

BRANNIGAN
This is an outstanding athletic contest between two of the quicker performers on the roster.

Krista runs the ropes, but when she comes back Blonde attempts to destroy her with a tilt a whirl back breaker. But she then attempts to counter with a DDT! However Blonde blocks this effort by school boying her and hooking onto her mini skirt.

ONE!


TWO!

Kickout!

“LET’S GO KRISTA! LET’S GO KRISTA! LET’S GO KRISTA!”

Blonde manages to keep Krista grounded with a few well placed boots from his hideously ugly shoes.  Thinking her weakened, he runs to the ropes. Leaping on them, he comes back with a Lionsault. But Krista slides out the way! Thankfully for him, he’s able to come down on those terrible boots. This good fortune runs out rather quickly as Krista sweeps out his legs. She quickly goes to the top rope, and executes a beautiful split legged corckscrew  moonsault! Buzzlefoxer drops to his arthritic knees to score the fall…

ONE!


TWO!


THREE!

DING DING DING

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall, KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN!

The fans put forth a mighty cheer in celebration of Krista’s victory. The winner simply offers her cool smirk as she stands tall over James Blonde’s body.

BRANNIGAN
I think James Blonde lost this match when Krista was able to counter his body splash and deliver a missile dropkick. From there it was all downhill for The Prince Of Panache

Krista gets ready to the top rope and blow kisses to her appreciative audience, when she’s grabbed by the hair by Faqu.

KRISTA


Krista stomps on Faqu’s bare feet, forcing the savage Samoan to release her. But her troubles aren’t over yet, as The White Knight clubs her in the back. Soon The Black Knight Lucius Soul has joined in on the beating laying stomps onto her back with his partner Rico. Faqu then makes a motion for them to move out the way, and they comply. He then runs the ropes and leaps into the air, bringing his massive frame down onto Krista’s back.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Landon Maddix saunters the ring in crown and royal robe. A smile splits his face as he watches loyal servants decimate the world champion.

BRANNIGAN
Here comes the ringleader of this awful circus.

Maddix enters the ring laughing at the helpless woman.. He orders her arms pinned behind her back. It’s a demand the two knights are happy to comply with.  Once he’s assured Krista can’t attack him, he slaps her!

“LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!”

The blue blooded Maddix takes Krista onto his shoulders. He smiles with an almost girlish glee as he prepares to nail her with the Go 2 Sleep. But his concentration is broken when he spots Alix, Black, and The Last Kings of Scotland rushing down the ramp.

BRANNIGAN
Here comes the calvary!

The mighty group slides into the ring as a fearful Landon drops Krista.

LANDON
Attack!

While his servants go to battle, Landon runs out the ring, into the stands, and then out the arena floor!

BRANNIGAN
Is that guy for real?

Blonde is first to be dumped out the ring, as Black merely chucks his carcass over the ropes. Rico doesn’t offer much more of challenge as he’s pressed slam over the ropes by Scottish Scott.

BRANNIGAN
That is scary power being shown by Scottish Scott!

Danny Boy throws Lucius onto his partner, and the three Kingdom members topple to the ground. Even worse for them, is that Alix has lowered the ropes on a charging Faqu. The beast flies out the ring and crushes his fellow partners as they serve as his landing pad.

BRANNIGAN
The Kingdom just took a royal beating, and their cowardly leader is nowhere to be found! He’s probably halfway to the airport by now.

Black goes to the top rope, yelling out challenges to the long departed King. The Scots taunt their old running buddies Lucius and Rico, who weakly promise revenge.  For her part, Alix helps her girlfriend to her feet. Now upright, Krista thanks the European invasion for their help in aiding her.
 
FADE TO BLACK