OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 8/12/10

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

We head straight to Sofa Central

COLE
Folks, welcome to OAOAST HeldDOWN~! I am Michael Cole sitting alongside Da Coach Jonathan Coachman and what a mainevent we have tonight!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN AND BARON WINDELS VS MALAYSIA AND MISTER DICK

COACH
That match is going to be crazy! Word is the LDC Moneygang will be defending their titles tonight and we're gonna see a live in ring baptism of Genevieve Duncan!

COLE
HeldDOWN~! has never been hotter!

[Chanel #99]

Returning from break we find Krista and Alix walking down the hall sipping milkshakes

KRISTA
I don’t know what to say about her poisoning Tim Cash. I was beyond shocked. To hear that your own mother is responsible for something so horrible is awful, its worse than death. Its worse than having to talk to Christian Wright for a period exceeding six seconds.

ALIX
Nothing is that horrible.

KRISTA
I just can’t believe she would stoop to such a level. That’s so unlike her to poison a person’s food.

ALIX
What do you mean, she poisons my food every Passover!

KRISTA
Yeah, but you’re an ethnic minority so you don’t count in her eyes.

ALIX
I’m just saying its totally within her character to poison someone and stand by and have good old fashioned LOLs while they’re being ass raped. Remember when she drunkenly tried to launch a flame thrower at the cook’s head?

KRISTA
Yeah but he put cheese in the eggs and she hates cheese in the eggs. Besides it was a good way to teach the kids stop drop and roll techniques.

ALIX
He jumped out the window and threw himself into the swimming pool!

KRISTA
Well, its not my mom’s fault he doesn’t know proper fire safety techniques.  I can’t believe she’d do all this for a man! A man! She won’t even fix my dad lunch without first accusing him of being impotent. But she’ll poison a man for Mister Dick! He’s turning my own mother into a monster.

ALIX
He’s totally got her wrapped around his finger, that’s really for sure.  And now he’s getting her to convert!

KRISTA
We’ll see about that.

[Chanel #99]

We return to ringside with Michael Buffer all set to announce the upcoming contest.

BUFFER
This is an Ejaculation Chamber Qualifying Match, set for one fall!

COLE
Do you reckon Michael Buffer ever thought he'd be saying the words "Ejaculation Chamber" on live TV?

COACH
Does it matter? I could probably get him to say "I fucked all your mommas last night and damn it felt good", so long as he was getting paid enough money.

COLE
Well, that makes three of us.

"Slide Away" by Oasis hits and free from any affiliations, Megan Skye heads to the ring to a mixed reaction.

BUFFER
Introducing first... from Providence, Rhode Island... MMMEEEEEEGGAAAAAANN... SSSSSSKKYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!

COLE
Not often we get to see Megan in action, but I had the opportunity to speak to her earlier today and she says now that she's no longer, quote, "playing minder" for Landon Maddix, she's looking to concentrate on her own career and throw herself deeper into the women's division.

COACH
'Playing minder'? What? Without King Landon, this broad'd be nothing!

COLE
Plenty would say the same about Landon. You know, it sure seemed like Megan was the brains of that operation a lot of the time.

Megan warms up with some shadow boxing and some shadow kick-boxing, loosening up her kicks and her punches ready for action.


"Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don’t care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They screamin' your name

Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don’t care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They screamin' your name"

Equally as ready for action, out skips Jade Rodez-Duncan as "When I Grow Up" by The Pussycat Dolls pumps out through the arena. Jade pumps up the crowd and gets them roaring as little sister Maya follows to the ring.

BUFFER
And her opponent. Being accompanied by MAYA BLANCHARD DUNCAN... she now resides in Los Angeles, California! She is a former OAOAST Women's Champion... JJAAAAAAADDEEEEE RRROOOOODDEEEEZZZZZZ - DDUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Jade slides into the ring and jumps straight to the turnbuckles to encourage the crowd some more.

COLE
So this match to qualify for the.. ahem.. Ejaculation Chamber. These two women have met before, over the Women's Title, back at Zero Hour of 2008. And Jade picked up the win there. Will it be a similar outcome here tonight?

Jumping about excitedly, Jade leans out of the ring to get a high-five from Maya... and is shunned, Maya too cool for high-fives apparantly. Which kinda brings her mood down a bit. But, hey, on with the match! Jade shrugs off her sibling shunning and turns her attention Megan, who looks focused.


*DINGDINGDING*

Jade and Megan circle, a tentative start to the match. They go to lock hands but Jade backs away, anticipating a kick.

COLE
Already advanced to that Chamber match, Lorelei DeCenzo, Maggie Nerdly, Melody Nerdly, and of course the Women's Champion herself, Holly.

COACH
And you know what else is gonna be there? BABY OIL! Gallons and gallons of baby oil! And hot girls in bikinis! Oh man, this ain't good for my blood pressure.

Circling again, this time we get a lock up, collar and elbow. Jade and Megan struggle back and forth for control until Jade is able to come up with a side headlock. Searching for a way out, Megan resorts to the ribs, digging in some shots to the body. Megan shoves Jade off into the ropes, but takes a shoulder tackle from her on the way back.

MAYA
Whoo! Way to use those hips!

JADE
Huh?

After a very self-conscious moment of looking down at herself, Jade hits the ropes again. Megan rolls over, forcing Jade up and over the top. Leapfrog keeps Jade on the defensive and she ends up running into a hiptoss. As Megan goes to follow up though, Jade kicks her feet up from the canvas, knocking Megan back and allowing her to get back up and grab the side headlock again.

COLE
Nicely done by Jade. Maintaining control in the early going.

COACH
Yeah, yeah, great strategy... can we talk about the BIKINIS? Oh, the bikinis!

Megan manoeuvers around, trying to work an escape. A takeover keeps Jade in control though, down on the mat. No submission from Megan, who reaches her legs up, trying to escape with a headscissors, which Jade manages to shrug off. She tightens up on the headlock again and forces Skye's shoulders down...


1...


Quickly throwing a shoulder up, Megan tries to force Jade's head back for the headscissors again, but is again shrugged away.

COLE
You know, we've got a great technical match going on here and all you want to talk about is baby oil and breasts. This is Theodore Moneymaker's great gift to America? Objectifying women?

COACH
Hey, he's got my vote!

COLE
...there is no 'vote', what the hell are you talking about?

Unable to escape from the mat Megan climbs back to her feet to try her luck there. She backs Jade into the ropes and shoots her across the ring again. This time, Megan goes for a backdrop. But Jade puts on the brakes and turns Megan over with a backslide...


1...


2...


No!

Jade goes behind with a waistlock, which Megan adeptly counters with a hip throw! As Jade gets back up, Megan then attacks the leg with a stinging round kick!

COLE
Ooh, what a hard shot that was! And that one hobbled Jade. Megan, we know, a keen kickboxer in her spare time.

Leg knotted up, Jade hobbles around the ring in pain. Megan follows her around and waits for Jade to engage, then strikes with another leg kick! And another! Jade hunches over and Skye lines up a final kick, which connects HARD, chopping Jade down like a dead tree!

COLE
And Megan has worked herself an opening here. Taking the base right out from underneath Jade.

Megan steps back and allows Jade to get back to her feet, mainly because it gives her a bigger target to aim her kicks at. On one bad leg, Jade is cautious, trying to reach out for a lock-up. But Megan cracks her across the thigh with another hard kick. With a howl of pain Jade falls to one knee and the referee moves Megan back, asking The Prodigal Daughter if she's okay to continue.

"LET'S GO JADE!"
"LET'S GO JADE!"
"LET'S GO JADE!"
"LET'S GO JADE!"

Not giving in just yet, Jade signals that she's okay. Megan looks to test that as she attacks with a knee to the gut, then whips Jade to the ropes. Barely able to run, it's momentum that brings Jade back to Megan, who connects with a Powerslam!! Cover...


1...


2...


Kickout!

COLE
Jade showing her heart here. She's hurt but she won't give in easily.

With a front facelock, Megan brings Jade back up, burying some knees. Hooking onto the cheerleader skirt, Megan then executes a nice snap suplex. Another cover...


1...


2...


No!

Megan picks Jade back up again and connects with a short, snappy jab to the face which leaves Little Miss California reeling. The referee warns about a closed fist and Megan holds her hands up to her indiscretion, before hitting the ropes. Megan goes for a clothesline, but Jade manages to duck, catching the arm and using it to turn Megan around into a neckbreaker!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

With both women down, a count is started. As she lays on the mat recovering, Jade's cheerleader skirt rides up, exposing the reddened patch on her thigh left by Megan's kicks.

COLE
A very competitive match here on HeldDOWN this week.

As they get back to their feet, it's Megan who strikes earlier than Jade, catching her with a thrust kick to the midsection. Megan grabs Jade by the arm, whipping her into the corner. As Skye follows in though Jade manages to get up a foot and kick Megan right in the face! Megan goes reeling backwards, allowing Jade to climb the ropes. She favours her left leg, tentative on it, but guts it out and flies off the second rope with a diving clothesline to take Megan out!!

MAYA


COLE
Look at Jade with the high-risk move!

Jade crawls over and hooks Megan's near leg...


1...


2...


Kickout!

Jade hobbles back to her feet, limping badly now.

COLE
Jade not moving too well here. One of those kicks may well have tightened up, maybe even knotted up, that hamstring.

COACH
You know what'd be good for that? Some baby oil.

Gritting her teeth through it, Jade waits for Megan to get up and throws a forearm shot! A second one! And a third! Drawing on some more energy, the Rich Little Blonde Girl prepares to Kick Some Ass! She paws Megan with an open right hand. Then paws her with an open left. On the one good leg, Jade then tries to connect with the spinning clothesline, but can't manouver herself quickly enough. Megan manages to avoid the clothesline and catches Jade from behind, clasping her wrists, then taking her over with a Bridging German Suplex!!


1...



2...



KICKOUT!

COLE
Only two! A perfect bridge by Megan, but still not enough to keep Jade down!

Megan looks stunned at the kickout and has to force herself back to her feet to continue on.

COLE
Megan is set here. Could be looking for that Chick Kick.

Crouched down, Megan lies in wait, waving Jade back up. The injured Prodigal Daughter is slow to find her feet. Once she does, she slowly turns around and Megan takes aim with the Chick Ki... DUCKED! Avoiding the kick, Jade buries one of her own into the gut of Skye, then scores with a DDT!

COLE
Counter! Jade connects... but unable to make a cover, that pained leg too much of a distraction.

COACH
You know what else is a distraction? Thinking about her Grandma doing the nasty with Malaysia.

COLE
Frankly that's a mental image we could all do without, not least Jade and Maya.

Struggling back to her feet, Jade is up only seconds before Megan. Jade strikes with another forearm. And a second. Turning Megan around, Jade then tries to apply the cobra clutch. Megan fights out, digging her elbow into Jade's midsection and weakening the grip. She then twists out, opening Jade up for another stinging kick to the thigh! Jade's leg buckles and she goes down to a knee in pain.

COACH
Boy, Megan's really done a number on Jade here. Remind me never to make Megan wanna kick my ass.

With Jade hurting, Megan backs into a corner and lifts herself onto the middle rope. She gives the signal for her Tornado DDT and waits for Jade to come her way.

COLE
Megan, lying in wait. Looking to hit the Skye Lyte here!

Drawing Jade in, Megan hits a kick to the chest and reaches out, looking for the front facelock. Which she gets... but Jade knows what's coming. Gripping onto the ropes, she prevents Megan from hitting the DDT and starts to fight back. With shots to the midsection she softens Megan up, before breaking free and catching her under the jaw with a rising forearm shot! Skye teeters, almost falling over the top to the floor. Jade drags her back inside though and by the arms, drags Megan down off the ropes with the Iconoclasm!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Californication!

With Megan still close at hand, Jade is able to turn herself over and make the short crawl to the cover...


1...



2...



NO!!

COLE
And Megan showing a little fight as well! But I don't think Jade is done here!

With a sudden boost of adrenaline to push her through the pain barrier Jade is quickly back up and dragging Megan up with her. She gets Megan up, turns her around and slams her head backwards with the GOT IT FROM MY MOMMA!! Legs hooked, Jade holds Megan down...


1...



2...



3!!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

*DINGDINGDING*

Relieved, Jade falls onto her back and straight away grabs at her left thigh in pain.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... JJJAAADDEEEE RRROOOODDEEEEEEZZZ - DDUUUUNNCCAAAAAAANN!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Maya crawls in and gives Jade a pat on the arm, which I guess counts as emotional congratulation, before aiding her half-sister in sitting back up. Despite the pain, Jade manages to smile through it once the referee raises her hand in victory.

COLE
A hard-fought win tonight for Jade Rodez-Duncan. And she advances to AngleSlam and another shot at the Women's Title.

As Jade is helped to her feet by Maya, a recovering Megan rolls out of the ring. Halfway out, she stops and looks back at Jade, with a look of respect before she leaves.

Watching all of this from the comfort of his plush locker room, Theodore Moneymaker kicks back with a big smile on his face. Stood behind him, Lorelei DeCenzo scowls at her latest opponent in the Chamber.

COACH
I tell ya Teddy, you're onto a winner! Time to start picking out that bikini, Jade!

COLE
After a great match like that, that's your first concern? I can't believe you could be so crass ah who am I kidding of course I can. Folks, we'll be back with more HeldDOWN~! in a few moments!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return to ringside with Lorelei DeCenzo, clad in a strapless yellow gown and Christian Wright, wearing a black blazer and matching pants, inside the ring. The audience is none to happy with their presence.

WRIGHT
I do lament my Battle Bowl loss. For I had the thrill of victory within my grasps after I out lasted fifteen other plebians only to be stomped beneath the heel of defeat by my old arch nemesis Krista Isadora Duncan. Fear not, though, gentle souls, for I am soon to avenge my untimely loss.

“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”

WRIGHT
The foul taste of your acidic drek and bile corrupts me, shames me, turns me into an equally malcontent beast trading barbs with you part for parcel!

LORELEI
No less than they deserve.

WRIGHT
Nay, Lorelei, nay. Of honorable reckoning are I and the OAOAST Galaxy.

LORELEI


WRIGHT
Tis a pity we have lived at odds for so long. Tis an abashment to good commonality that we have yet to rid ourselves of our mutual derision and find within our hearts a tender commendation for the other. There is no reason for us to lock horns any longer. I find it unpleasant at best and futile at the often.

COLE
Is he asking the fans to cheer him?

WRIGHT
No longer should we stand on opposing sides of an endless war! No longer shall you partake in battles you haven’t a hope in the heavens of winning! Now you shall take up arms on the side of moral betterment! The side of Christian Wright!

COLE
I stand corrected, he’s not asking them to cheer him, he’s ordering them to cheer him.

WRIGHT
Now you shall salute me as your better!

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COLE
The OAOAST Galaxy doesn’t like being told who to cheer.

COACH
That’s all wrestling is, being told who to cheer and who to boo.

LORELEI
You ungrateful swine. You disgusting pigs. You rotten rodents. Do you know what’s been offered to you? A chance to play for the winning team, that’s what’s been offered. You’ve been given an opportunity to cheer for a man that can’t be stopped by anyone in the OAOAST. This like getting to be in George W. entourage or to serve on Abe Lincolns cabinet.  Cliché as it may sound this is a once in a lifetime chance to become something better than yourselves. It’s a chance to become a Christian Wright fan!

“CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS!”

LORELEI
That’s your problem, that’s why you’ll never amount to anything, because you don’t use your heads. You buy into what everyone else says and they tell you to boo The Enterprise and so you do it. You’re all fools. Gigantic fools. And we’re going to make you look even stupider at Angleslam. We’ve sat down an open challenge to anyone on the OAOAST roster. We’ll beat whoever answers the call and prove those Christian sucks chants wrong again.

“Disarm” by the Smashing Pumpkins plays to confused murmurs from the audience. Attired in black trunks and carrying his rusted sword, the Modern Day Gladiator Alexander The Brutal emerges from the back.

COLE
We saw this man monster completely crush Uno at the South Beach Spectacular. But what does he want with Christian Wright?

Alexander enters the ring and procures a microphone. Lorelei sizes up his fine physique with appreciative eyes.

LORELEI
And what do you want, my dear?

ALEXANDER
I want him at Angleslam.

COLE
Whoa!

WRIGHT
My good man, you are yet a stranger to the OAOAST. You hath not seen the rigors of battle that I have admirably faced.  Let more months wither in their pride and then you shall be ready to face me.

ALEXANDER
I said I want you at Angleslam.

“FIGHT HIM! FIGHT HIM! FIGHT HIM!”

Wright takes a moment to consider the challenge. He backs away cautiously from his potential foe, afraid he might attack him at this very moment.

WRIGHT
Very well. Then you shall have both me and your doom. Now begone.

Alexander is expressionless as he exits the same way he came. Wright watches him with a mixture of disgust and fear.

COLE
In addition to Krista against Mister Dick, and the Ejaculation Chamber, we now have Alexander The Brutal against Christian Wright!

COACH
This show is already a blockbuster!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN AND BARON WINDELS VS MALAYSIA AND MISTER DICK

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

The World is Mine by David Guetta hits, and the crowd boos as the LDC Moneygang makes their way out.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the OAOAST World tag team championships!  Making their way to the ring, at a total combined weight of 420 pounds...representing the Enterprise, they are the OAOAST tag team champions of the WORLD...Spencer Reiger, and Colin Maguire Jr., THE LLLLLLLLLLL DDDDDDD CCCCCCCCC MMMMMMMMMMONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!

COLE
And this is a "return match" from the South Beach Spectacular.

COACH
Why the quotations?

COLE
That wasn't a real match!  The Moneygang tricked them into running away!

Living in America hits, and The All-American Boys make their way out.  Liberty looks suspiciously more muscular.

COACH
You know, I don't always agree with Alf's decisions, but he made the right move here in giving these guys a rematch!

COLE
Oh, please!  With all due respect to Freedom & Liberty, these guys are no match for the champs!

The AABs climb into the ring, as Spencer grabs a mic in mock distress.

SPENCER
Look, guys!  The Statue of Liberty is about to be set on fire!

The Tron shows an obviously fake statue on a replica backdrop, as Bosley is backstage and throws a fireball at it!

COACH
COME ON GUYS, GET BACK THERE!

COLE
Oh, please.

But the AABs look back and shake their heads!

COLIN
What happened to the love for your country?

At this point, Freedom & Liberty rush up to the burning phony statue and put it out.

COLIN/SPENCER


FREEDOM
:whew:  It was just a phony!

As the LDCs look on confused, The AABs in the ring remove their masks to reveal themselves as Felix Strutter and Ken Pantera!

COLE
Hey!

Pantera rips off his spandex top, then turns a shocked CMJ inside-out with a clothesline!

*DING DING DING*

COLE
And there's the bell, apparently this is a match!

COACH
What!?

Strutter lays into Spencer with kicks, as Pantera presses CMJ overhead and tosses him to the floor!

COACH
Whoa!

COLE
Long fall for Colin all the way to the floor!

Strutter whips Spencer into a corner, and hits him with a handspring elbow!  Strutter then runs over to the opposite corner, as Pantera grabs Spencer, then whips him across, where Strutter catches him with a sleeper drop!

COLE
Big move from the Can-Ams!

Strutter hooks the leg...

1...




2...




3!!!

COLE
He got it!  We've got new champions!

COACH
Unbelievable!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen!  The winners of the match...and NEWWWWWWWW OAOAST tag team champions of the WORLD...THE CAN AM ASSASSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

COLE
After weeks of ducking real competition, the LDC Moneygang is shocked tonight by the Can-Am Assassins, and we've got new World tag team champions!

COACH
You know Cole, I'm happy for Felix and Kenny, but I'm not sure this was right!

Strutter and Pantera high-five and make their way up the aisle with the belts on their shoulders.

COLE
You may have a point there, Coach!  I'm sure this will be looked into by OAOAST  President Alfdogg, but as it stands right now, the Can-Am Assassins are the NEW OAOAST World tag team champions!

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN~! is brought to you by...

MELODY NERDLY FOR PIZZA HUT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEqHOETejjU

Returning from break we find the ring filled with The Heavenly Rocker crew, Theodore Monymaker, Mister Dick, Malaysia, and Genevieve Duncan. They stand in front of an elaborate church setup complete with pulpit and tub of holy water.

COLE
I can’t believe what we’re about to see. A baptisim into the Church of Abdullah.

MISTER DICK
Now I just wanna get something out the way right here. I ain’t got no disrespect for the Jews or nothin. I love Jews as a matter of fact.

COLE
He’s a true humanitarian, folks.

MISTER DICK
I think that dude from Saved By The Bell, Screech, I think he’s funnier than a prized heffer dancing to the Bee Gees  and he got done wrong back on Celebrity Fit Club.  Sarah Michelle Gellar is also a choice piece of ass, and best believe she could all twelve inches of my monstrous meat. Gwyenth Paltorw’s Jewish and I’d like to pump that Pepper Potts with my Iron, man. Get it?

EVERYONE


COACH
Get it, Mikey?

COLE
Hilarious.

MISTER DICK
But, and I hate to be the one to say it, The Jews are on the downswing. The man Mel Gibson done said it himself. I ain’t just sayin’ that to say it, I’m sayin’ it cause I got god damn facts to support it, ya know what I mean? God damn facts!

COLE
Mister Dick world theologian.

MISTER DICK
Fred Savage is a Jew and he ain’t done nothin’ since Wonder Years. Except play that funny lookin dude with the mole in Austin Powers.  Paula Abdul is a Jew and she done went and got her whorish ass kicked off American Idol. That don’t matter to me none, she can still belt a tune into my trouser microphone.

COLE
A classy comment in a segment that’s sure to be full of class.

MISTER DICK
Jack Black’s jewish and lemme tell ya that boy is as about as funny as suicide. And that ain’t very! Then ya got that little bastard Matthew Broderick and since Ferris Buheller’s Day Off his whole career has taken a day off! Ha! The whole religion is going down the crapper and I ain’t gonna let Genevieve go down with it.  No way no how is my lover gonna be associated with losing when she’s screwing the king of wining! That’s why she’s converting to the church of Abdullah, and that there is why we’re having a baptism live on HeldDOWN~! Colonel Abdullah, you got something to say, buddy?

The good Colonel steps up to the pulpit.

ABDULLAH
Lord you are a wonderful savoir, and excellent managing partner as well. Without your guidance and business acumen the church of Abdullah would not be one of Forbes magazine list of ten richest churches. Without your wisdom and knowledge I never would've been blessed with my luxury yacht that I use only to host parties in your name! Without your keen sense of the market, I never would've known to put out my newest book "One with Abdullah" available at Borders and other fine booksellers.

The congregation applauds

ABDULLAH
Lord we have a new inductee into your army!  This inductee comes with a healthy love for the lord, and a wealthy bank account. Her heart is a host for love for Jesus, and her million dollar Malibu home will be a host for lavish parties in his name featuring guests such as Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin. Her Mercedes and BMWs will be donated to the church of Abdullah so that I may quickly spread the lord's name to the superficial masses. This is a beautiful inductee with a strong sexual spirit but from now on she will give the ass for Jesus and to Jesus' homeboys, such as myself and Mister Dick.

Mister Dick applauds happily as Genevieve steps up to the pulpit to speak.

GENEVIEVE
Honey, I just want to say what an honor it is to donate half my worldly posessions to the Church of Abdullah in the name of the lord. I thought I needed cartier watches, and Audis, and season tickets to the opera, but now I see that Abdullah and the lord need them more than me. I thought my sexual being should just be limited to Mister Dick and Malaysia, but I've been taught to share it with this speaker of the prophets, Abdullah Abir Nerdly.

ABDULLAH


COLE
Some man of the cloth!

ABDULLAH
Now, my children, let us bath the new convert in the waters of our lord and savoir so that she may be cleansed of sin and be born anew into the Church of Abdullah.

“PRAISE BE!”

Genevieve smiles broadly, thinking to herself how wonderful life will be as a member of the Church of Abdullah. The head of said church prepares to lower into the holy water and fully induct her into his ministry. Mister Dick cackles with delight, most of which is due to the knowledge of how angry this will make Krista.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
What’s this?

What this is is a giant truck with the Star of David painted on the side speeding from the backstage area with Krista at the helm!

MISTER DICK
Hell no! Hell no! You’re a dead woman!

Mister Dick waves Krista on, daring her to challenge he and the congregation.  Krista isn’t foolish however and instead retreats behind the truck.

MISTER DICK
Coward! Cowar-

Mister Dick is silenced when a Matzah ball pelts him in the face! Soon a torrent of the doughy balls follows, knocking both he and the congregation to the ground!

COACH
She’s shooting balls at them!

Synth manages to escape the onslaught of balls, and rolls beneath the ropes to challenge Krista. However, Krista is in no mood to deal with his meddling and simply superkicks him to the ground.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Krista dives into the ring where the congregation is still struggling to come to their feet. First to rise is Logan Mann. He’s also the first to fall as Krista nails him with a KIDology. Her mother pleads with her to go away, but Krista ignores these calls as she ducks a lariat from Quiz. The big man swings around and steps right into a KIDology! Malaysia surges forward to attack Krista, but is brought down by a crowd popping KIDology!

COLE
This is chaos!

COACH
This is awful is what it is!

Holly leaps onto Krista’s back, trying to choke the number one contender out. Moneymaker approaches Krista, thinking he can blast her to oblivion with her distracted. But Krista summons a great deal of strength and hits a KIDology with Holly on her back! The Angel of Death is crushed against the canvas, popping the crowd and leaving only Mister Dick behind.

COLE
Run, Mister Dick, run!

Mister Dick attempts to high tail it out the ring, but Krista grabs onto his platinum blond hair. She hurls him forward, tossing him into the pool of Holy water!

MISTER DICK
It burns! It burns!

COLE
Mister Dick just got baptized into the church of Abdullah!

Genevieve watches on with barely contained rage as her daughter goes from turnbuckle to turnbuckle posing for the delight of the sold out audience.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

“Khyber Pass” plays to its usual chilly reception as multicolored spotlights swing across the entrance stage. The doors spread apart to usher Quiz and Logan Mann onto the stage. Mann belts a hard rocking tune as Quiz confidently cracks his knuckles.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televisied time limit of fifteen minutes! Now making his way to the ring, being accompanied by Quiz, he is THE MACHO MACHO MANN LOGGAAAANNNNNN MAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!

Inside the ring, Logan continues to rock n roll as boos flood around him. On the outside, Quiz glares menacingly at the hateful audience members.

COACH
Logan Mann looks ready to rock!

COLE
He needs to be ready to fight. The Love Doctors have seemingly had The Heavenly Rockers number in the past few weeks.

HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE! PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN IT!

Family Force 5 sings out Love Doctor Stephen Pigley, who comes accompanied by a torrent of delighted cheers. These applause grow even louder when Pigley strips away his lab coat to reveal his tightly toned physique. He melts hearts and panties alike with a round sexy gyrations. Pigley then strolls down the ring ramp, showing off his six packed stomach to the lusty ladies in attendance.

BUFFER
And the opponent! From the Windy City, he is DOCTOR STEPHEN PIGGGGGGLLLLLEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  

Pigley cautiously slides into the ring, keeping eyes locked on the hot headed Logan Mann.

COLE
The war between The Love Doctors and The Heavenly Rockers heats up here on HeldDOWN~!

DING DING DING

Logan Mann stares down his rival, hatred pouring over his body. The two men circle each other with Mann talking trash to Pigley. Eventually words grow tiresome for Mann and he trips Pigley to the ground. But Mann is shrugged away by the muscular legs of the doctor. Mann is annoyed at this and rushes at Pigley. But he’s upended by an arm drag. Pigley readies himself to hit another one but Mann hides himself in the corner. He earns some encouraging words from Quiz but boos from the sold out audience.

COLE
The OAOAST Galaxy really getting on Logan Mann.

Pigley marches over to his opponent ready to pummel him. But Mann leapfrogs the referee and clotheslines his foe to the ground.  Mann then proceeds to pound on him with furious left hands. Pigley scrambles to his feet and stumbles into the corner. There the left hand of the MACHO Macho Mann slams against his chin.  The blows drop Pigley to the canvas!

MANN
You’re nothing! Nothing!

Mann pulls Pigley off the canvas and wraps his arms his waist. He then flips him around with a gutwrench suplex. Mann then dives atop Pigley for a pinfall….

ONE!

Pigley with the shoulder up! He comes to his feet rather quickly, only to be slugged with the WICKED left hand of Logan Mann. But Pigley takes the blow in stride and fires upon Mann with powerful punches. Mann rakes the eyes of Pigley before he can mount much of an attack. Next, Mann puts himself off the ropes. But as he gets stabbed in the gut by a kick from Pigley. With Mann staggered, Pigley takes to the cables. But as he bounces back he’s nailed with a spinebuster by Mann! Pigley hollers in pain, and is then pinned by Mann….

ONE!


TWO!

Pigley kicksout!  His troubles continue to mount, as Mann grinds his knee into his throat.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the fans hiss as Logan barks insults at them.

Mann pulls Pigley up by the seat of his pants and stuffs him inside a front facelock. He then drapes him across the top rope. From there Logan inches backwards and then runs forward to kick Pigley in the chest. The Love Doctor topples over the ropes and falls back into the ring. Anguish is written all across his face.

MANN
:headbang:

“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!” the audience chants as Mann pulls Pigley back into the ring for a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Pigley again lifts his shoulder off the canvas. His body soon follows, as Logan puts him on his feet. The MACHO Macho Mann twists Pigley’s neck around and drives him to the canvas with a neckbreaker. As Pigley writhes in pain, Mann heads to the ropes. He comes back to drive his knee into the top of Pigley’s skull!  Pigley’s anguish worsens considerably when Mann grabs him inside a reverse chinlock.  

We suddenly switch to a backstage view where Synth, Abdullah, and Holly are stomping Doctor Max Anderson into the ground!

COLE
What is that?

COACH
Its Doctor Max Anderson getting that ass beat! And I love it!

Unaware of his partner’s troubles, Pigley deals with his own struggle against Logan Mann.

However, we return backstage where the Rockers have stripped Anderson BARE ASS NAKED and proceed to terrorize his unprotected flesh.

COLE
Unacceptable!

COACH
The guy is an ex-stripper, he should be used to being naked.

Meanwhile in the ring, Doctor Pigley has fought to his feet. He slams a wave of elbows into his foe’s stomach, but Mann holds his grip tight.  However Pigley is unrelenting on his assault and eventually wins his freedom. He gets in one solitary knife edge chop before his rival grabs him into a side headlock.  Pigley, however, will not be kept down ands shoves Mann into the ropes. When Mann returns he’s blasted in the face by a spinning elbow strike.  

COLE
Doctor Pigley is taking control of this contest, but somewhere backstage The Rockers have control of Max Anderson!

Mann comes to his feet and gets struck in the chest by a lariat. Though he’d like to stay down and nurse his injuries, he’s forced back to his feet by Pigley. An Irish whip attempt is made but Mann reverses it.  This does not help him much as Pigley bounces backwards with a hand spring elbow! He then kips up and performs a sexy hip swivel to the delight of the ladies in the audience.

COLE
Pigley is feeling it, and I’m about to feel it to.

COACH
Put that thing away!

Pigley picks Mann up and throws him to the ropes. But instead of coming back, Mann hooks his arms around the ropes. This frustrates Doctor Pigley and he charges in after Mann. But The MACHO Macho Mann gets his elbow up to ward Pigley off.  The Windy City native stumbles away as the former tag team champion struggles to catch his breath. Once he’s partially recovered, Mann grabs hold of Pigley’s neck and swings him around for a neckbreaker. Pigley’s hands immediately find his now sore neck.

“OINK! OINK! OINK!” the fans try to rally the good doctor.

MANN
Shut up!

As the audience continues to oink for Pigley, Mann starts to pull the doctor off the canvas.  The fans chants do their trick and provide Pigley with the energy needed to chop Logan in the chest. Pigley then taunts his foe with another round of sensuous hip swivling.   This angers the hot headed Logan Mann and he swings at Pigley with his WICKED left hand. Soon the two superstars are engaged in a brutal slug fest. Mann winds up for the victory with a lariat. But Pigley ducks the attack and attempts to send him over head with a backsuplex. Mann flips out the hold and comes down on his black boots. Before Pigley can react to his escape, Mann leaves him laid out with a neckbreaker. Thinking Pigley finished by his signature attack, The MACHO Macho Mann makes another pinfall attempt…

ONE!


TWO!

The good doctor makes another kickout!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
What an effort from Doctor Stephen Pigley!

Mann lays into the referee over the count, launching into a cursing fit that would make Holly proud. After several f-bombs he returns to the task of decimating Pigley. The good doctor is brought off the canvas and stuffed into a front facelock. The FINGER TWIRL OF DOOOOOOOOM signals the Percussion and the fans belt the rock n wrestling superstar with boos.

COACH
Here it comes, Mikey!  

But Doctor Pigley reverses the hold into a Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge! The referee drops down to the canvas to score the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!


THREE!

COLR
What a victory!

The bell sounds as Love Addict leads the victory celebration. Mann argues with the referee, inexplicably complaining about hooked tights. Pigley ducks out the ring and celebrates with a few pretty ladies in the front row.

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall…..DOCTOR STEPHEN PIGLEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY!

COACH
The joke is on this idiot! Doctor Anderson is getting beat to death backstage and he thinks he’s won the NBA finals!

HOLLY (OS)
Hey you (beep) sucking (beep)!  Look what we’ve got back here.

Pigley turns to the Angletron which features the image of The Rockers stomping the bloodied naked body of Doctor Anderson.

SYNTH
Homie, ya’ll never should’ve messed with The Rockers. Not ever!

Pigley becomes panicked and starts rushing backstage in a desperate attempt to save his partner. But he needn't move any more inches before he sees The Masked Mutants chase away the Heavenly Rockers

COLE
Folks, our newest tag team The Masked Mutants just saved Doctor Anderson!

COACH
But why would they do that?

Pigley breathes a heavy sigh of relief at the sight of his partner being saved by these odd characters.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Strutter and Pantera are making their way back to their dressing room, where they're stopped by Team Heyross.  A tense staredown ensues.

BENJAMIN
That trick you guys just pulled...it was real impressive.

Strutter nods, taking in the respect shown from his rivals.

MOSS
Those guys have had this coming for quite a while.

BENJAMIN
But what would impress me more...why don't you show how a real team defends its titles.  Give Team Heyross the first crack at those belts!

*crowd cheers*

Strutter and Pantera look at each other briefly, then Strutter looks back to Benjamin.

STRUTTER
You got it.

The four men go their separate ways as the crowd cheers.

COLE
The Can-Am Assassins, the new World tag team champions, and have agreed to give Team Heyross the first crack at their newly-won titles!

[Chanel #99]

We fade into our next scene from the not-so erotic sight of James Blonde's lips, locked against shoe leather. As the camera pans up we see the wearer of that shoe leather, "King" Landon Maddix. Landon looks down on Blonde with his hands on his hips, as the Canadian finishes up his boot smooching.

KING LANDON
Apology accepted. Thank you.

Blonde stands back up, favouring his neck a little from last week. And he joins the rest of the Kingdom, who had been gathered around to watch apparantly.

LUCIUS
So now what?

KING LANDON
Now? Now, we deal with those traitors! No more sitting back and no more taking mercy. They must be punished. By by the King. Punished by the Kingdom! If those Scottish gargoyles want to get at me then they're right, they are going to have to go through all of you. One by one if they have to. Infact, the only way they are going to get to the King and Queen will be by walking a path over your dead bodies!

This rousing speech doesn't seem to fill Rico, Lucius or Blonde with too much excitement, not keen on the idea of their bodies being used at a doormat.

KING LANDON
Of course, that's not actually going to happen.

Still a little unnerved, there are relieved nods and "okays" from the rest of the Kingdom.

KING LANDON
And as far as Nathaniel Black goes, he will be dealt with, soon. Very soon. Infact, I plan on going out to that ring tonight and announcing to the world my latest demands. Twenty five thousand dollars. So long as they can run him out of town by the end of this month. I want him gone and I want him gone NOW. Somebody is going to take that twenty five thousand. They HAVE to. They MUST. And then, with those rebels out of our we can concentrate on our next conquests.

A knock at the door suddenly interrupts King Landon and he glances over his shoulder, to see OAOAST President ALFDOGG entering the Kingdom's castle. Well, room. King Landon looks strangely nervous about this, which seems to confuse the rest of the Kingdom.

ALFDOGG
Hope you don't mind me barging in, Landon.

KING LANDON
That's Ki... uhh, it's... you know what, nevermind sir. Nevermind.

ALFDOGG
Right. Not interrupting anything, am I?

BLONDE
Actually, yes. We were just heading out to the ring to announce the new King's ransom on Nathaniel Black.

The King rolls his eyes and looks disbelievingly at Blonde for letting the cat out of the bag.

ALFDOGG
Oh really.

KING LANDON
Don't listen to James. He's known to be highly misinformed.

ALFDOGG
Well, it's funny you should be so eager to get rid of Nathaniel. That wouldn't have anything to do with the contract I just go through putting the finishing touches to, would it?

KING LANDON
Finishing touches?

ALFDOGG
Yep. Consider it official. Landon Maddix... sorry, King Landon Maddix... one on one with Nathaniel Black at AngleSlam.

QUEEN ESTHER
*GASP*

ALFDOGG
So, good luck with that whole "ransom" thing. By my watch, you've got... ooh, seventeen days? I might want to throw a few extra thousand on the table, if I was you.

Landon shakes his head sadly as Alf waves everyone a fond goodbye. With Landon despondant, The Mardi Gras Hellfire Club cast their glares at poor James Blonde.

BLONDE
What did I say?

COMING UP NEXT
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN AND BARON WINDELS VS MALAYSIA AND MISTER DICK
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

* DING * DING * DING * DING *

BUFFER
This is your HeldDOWN main event! Are you ready?

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

BUFFER
OAOAST Galaxy, ARE… YOU… READY?

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BUFFER
Then for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world… Ladies and gentlemen… LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRRRUMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Give me those bright lights, long nights
High rise, over time

“On Top of the World” by the Pussycat Dolls cues and the crowd goes bananas.

BUFFER
Introducing first, from San Antonio, Texas, weighing 265 pounds… “THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER” BAAAAAROOOOOOONNNNNNNN WINDELS! His tag team partner hails from the City of Angels, Los Angeles, California… her list of accomplishments include being a best selling author, a member of the Hollywood Walk of Fame, star of the world famous FIT with KID line of exercise videos and games and the 2009 Wrestler of the Year… KRISTA ISADORA DDUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

“Motherfucker of the Year” hits and Mr. Dick and Malaysia are showered onstage with golden pyro. MD also has personal SHAKE WEIGHT with him.

COLE
Here comes a freshly baptized world champion!

COACH
You think that's hilarious, don't you?

COLE
I think Mister Dick and that huckster Abdullah Abir Nerdly got exactly what they deserved.

BUFFER
And their opponents. First, she is a former OAOAST Women‘s Champion, the ultimate combination of beauty and beat downs… MMMMAAALLLLLLAAAAAYYYYYSIA!! Her tag team partner, from San Antonio, Texas, he is the reigning OAOAST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD… MISSSSSTERRRRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
And here we go with our main event!  

* DINGDINGDING *

Chest to face come Malaysia and Baron Windels. After some words Malaysia pie faces BW, who retaliates with a fury of right hands. He whips Malaysia into the ropes for a BIG BOOT, then catches MD on the way in with a Cowboy Bebop elbow! Krista gets in on the fun as she and BW hammer MD and Malaysia in opposite corners.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!!!

After being whipped into each other MD and Malaysia go their separate way. Krista then looks to nail MD with THE HEBREW HAMMER, but he puts Malaysia in front of him and lets her take the blow instead.  

COLE
Are you kidding me?

COACH
What, haven’t you ever heard of taking one for the team?

Krista goes after MD rather than cover Malaysia, who recovers to club Krista from behind. MD tags in and with Malaysia’s help whips Krista into the ropes. Krista somersaults under a double clothesline, pops up and delivers a DOUBLE COCONUT!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BW receives the tag and unloads on MD and Malaysia. He whips Malaysia to the corner and then MD, who falls on all fours while Malaysia drops down behind him in a compromising position.

COACH
Look at you, Cole-- green with envy right now.

COLE
Oh please. Now the champ knows how Tim Cash felt at the South Beach Spectacular.

BW sets Malaysia for a SUPERPLEX, but MD takes him out of the corner in a power bomb position. MD keeps BW up as Malaysia soars off the top… AND INTO A MIDAIR FALLAWAY SLAM!!

COLE & COACH


Malaysia isn’t the only one who had a rough landing, so too did BW courtesy of a MD power bomb. He agonizes in pain while MD drags Malaysia to their corner and tags himself in, then immediately makes the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

MD introduces BW violently to the turnbuckle, then follows with a series of right jabs. BW is whipped across, but he ducks a Stinger Splash and delivers a BOOMERANG LARIAT!

COLE
MySpace Comeback!  

BW shakes off the cobwebs and tags Krista.

COACH
Uh-oh.

Krista whips MD into the ropes and leapfrogs him, causing MD to turn right into an inverted atomic drop, and then a SUPERKICK!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

SAVE BY MALAYSIA!

Krista and Malaysia get into a heated exchange as MD rolls to the corner to grab his SHAKE WEIGHT, which he uses to BASH KRISTA UPSIDE THE HEAD!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match as result of a disqualification… BARON WINDELS and KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN!!

Malaysia shoves the referee down while MD puts the boots to Krista.

COLE
Their goal wasn’t to win the match, it was to take out Krista prior to Angleslam.

Krista is tied in the ropes, then MD does a strip tease before pulling down his short shorts.

COACH
He’s going to pull a BW on Krista, Cole!

MD places both hands behind his head as Malaysia slowly works her hands down his body.

COLE
Put grandma and the kiddies to bed, ladies and gentlemen. You don’t want them to see this.

Malaysia prepares to aim when BW nails MD with a TOP ROPE LARIAT!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BW hammers away on MD until Malaysia connects with a YAKUZA KICK TO THE CHEST. Malaysia then places BW in an INVERTED BOSTON CRAB while MD applies THE ROUGHRIDER (STF) on Krista.

* DINGDINGDINGDINGDING *

COACH
Like ringing the bell is going to do any good.

COLE
We need help! Help from the back!

On cue, OAOAST officials storm ringside to restore order. MD and Malaysia receive an escort backstage, but first stop to pose onstage as we…

FADE TO BLACK