Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 -OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES- -TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK- -THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT- We head straight to Sofa Central COLE Welcome to OAOAST HeldDOWN~! I am Michael Cole sitting alongside The Coach Jonathan Coachman! Things are red hot in Norfolk as the OAOAST heads to Angleslam! COACH Word up, Mikey, we've got a new number one contender for the OAOAST World Title in Krista Isadora Duncan. COLE Let's her from her first....Give me those bright lights, long nights High rise, over time "YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"Give me them bright lights, long nights Party till the sun is rising High rise, over time Working till the moon is shining Hot guys, fly girls Never thought I'd say I feel on top of the world I feel on top of the world Hey “On Top of the Word” plays and receives a monstrous ovation from the now standing audience. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen the winner of the 2010 Battle Bowl….KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAAAAAAANNNNN! Attired in flared jeans and a red and grey plaid shirt, Krista enters the ring with microphone in hand. KRISTA Hi, everybody! EVERYBODY Hi Doctor Nick! KRISTA Do that again and I will have all your tongues mounted on a freshly baked Italian BMT from Subway, who’s footlongs are available for 5 dollars, buy one and pretend it’s the size of your otherwise microscopic penises. Anyway, I seem to have won Battle Bowl. “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” KRISTA Yeaaaa, yay, whoo-hoo! I’d like to tell you that it was a fierce and hard fought brawl, but I took some Sudafed and No-Doz before the match and that killer combo has reduced my memories to waltzing with Mickey Mouse and eliminating The Philly Phanitc from the battle royal. Have you ever noticed how the end of his nose looks like a giant vagina. I got banned from all Phillies games after drunkenly attempting to go down on his nose. But, as usual I digress from my point. What is my point? I don’t really have one. They said Krista we have twenty minutes to kill, its either you or The Heavenly Rockers, and as much as I love brutal and inhumane torture I couldn’t make you sit through a Logan Mann match, so you’re stuck this ultra fine MILF. I don’t really keep up with OAOAST affairs, besides which Nerdly girl is currently sexually starved enough to let me and Alix talk her into a threesome, but its come to my attention that Mister Dick is currently world champion. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” KRISTA Yes, making weird noises and angrily shaking your fists like apes is a good way to change something you don’t like, its how the emancipation proclamation was signed. Don’t mind me, I forgot to mix vodka with my prozac today, so I’m a little grumpy, and a little sober. So, if Mister Dick is the champion of the world, and I’m the queen battle bowl and Uzbekistan, won the crown at a poker game, I’m both signed to fight him in a match and about to wage a guerilla war with Russia. What fun on both accounts! Now I have no problems bombing the country that brought us that weird Yakov guy from the 90’s but I do have a problem fighting Mister Dick. You see I’ve been fighting Mister Dick all summer long. While I could’ve been lounging poolside with a Nerdly girl of my choice, giving her more and more liquor in an effort to both dyke her out and say f you to underage drinking laws, I’ve been dealing with the monster from Elton John’s drag closet. Apparently since we last fought he’s gained a submission. I think he calls it the roughrider. I think he should call it “Hi, my penis is touching your ass, while I’m wearing a silver thong. Could I possibly be any gayer?” Maybe that’s a little long. But that’s what acronyms are for. COLE Krista is in rare form tonight. KRISTA Mister Dick also found it good fun and great sport to cost me both the tag titles and the world title. What a guy! So you know what maybe I am looking forward to facing him. I’m looking forward to ripping off his chaps, tying them around neck, slinging him into the air, and launching him to outer space where he’ll hopefully be anal probed by Marvin The Martian. My favorite Looney Tunes, character. “Mother fucker” of the year fires up to an outpouring of disdain from the sold out audience. Wearing tight jeans shorts and a glittering silver cowboy hat, Mister Dick makes his way into the ring. MISTER DICK Looney tunes? Woman, you’ve gotta be a Looney Tune yourself to talk about the world champion like that. You got some god damn nerve to talk the way you talk. KRISTA You’ve got some god damn gay to dress the way you dress. MISTER DICK Shut up! You ain’t got no right speaking about me like that. I’m Mister Dick. KRISTA Here we go, “I’m blah blah blippity bloop, and I’m the greatest champion ever, and you better respect me, if you don’t I’ll slap you in the face with my penis, and I’ll enjoy it if you’re a man or you’re a Nerdly girl that looks like a man.” MISTER DICK I said shut up! I wasn’t about to say all that. KRISTA So you’re coming out the closet? Welcome to the club, Jock! MISTER DICK What I was about to say is that you ain’t nothin’ but a filthy whore. And your mouth ain’t nothing but a storage unit for my twelve inches! COLE That’s crass and uncalled for! MISTER DICK You sold yer ass for lunch money as a little girl, you sold your ass for nice clothes in highschool, and your sellin’ your cheap ass for money as a celebrity, and I don’t respect ya one bit. You can rile up the fans with your stupid jokes and your fake tits all you want, but ya don’t affect Mister Dick. You disgust me! Yer more disgstin than seein’ my grandparents hump. And I’m gonna consider it Christmas morning to stomp yer ass into the dirt at Angleslam right in front of your own home crowd. That’s what’s gonna make it even sweeter. Seeing all those failed actors and models out there in LA, lookin’ at their idol get cream pied is gonna make me the happiest person on this here planet. Standing tall over you with my newly won world title is going to be the greatest moment of my life. KRISTA Wow, do you have a sucky life. If posing over a single mother with a title belt made of fake metal is the highlight of your existence, I pity you. By the way congratulations on winning the world title in such a fair and honest manner. MISTER DICK I did what I dog gone had to do. KRISTA If threatening anal rape is doing what you have to do you have a strangely twisted since of obligation. MISTER DICK Woman, you wanna settle things right here right now? KRISTA I'd love to, Dickie. "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" GENEVIEVE (OS) Both you stop it at once! Genevieve stomps down the ramp, her worry moving her at top speeds. She enters the ring and immediately steps between her daugher and her good friend. KRISTA He started it. MISTER DICK Bullshit! This bitch started runnin’ her mouth about business that ain’t need to be mouthed off about. GENEVIEVE I am Switzerland. KRISTSA You make excellent hot chocolate and have a great ski season? GENEVIEVE No I am neutral! I’m a neutral party in your argument! KRISTA Neutral? Are you serious, mom? I’m your daughter. Your eldest daughter! I’m the one who’s life will be devoted to taking care of you when you can’t do it yourself. the daughter who’s going to have to hate her life and everyone in it as she’s forced to dipose of your depends diapers in a toxic waste plant. I’m the daughter who when you inevitably have a heart attack while having sex with a pool boy is going to be right there bribing him not to tell Star Magazine. GENEVIEVE You may be my daughter but Jock is…. KRISTA What? MISTER DICK Go on, tell her. Let her hear the truth. GENEVIEVE He’s my… KRISTSA To-to-to-today, junior! Pity me, for I have just quoted Adam Sandler. MISTER DICK I’m her lover! You hear that, woman, I’m her lover! Its been going on for months, while you’ve been sitting around crackin’ wise, sippin’ martinis, and flauntin’ them funbags of yours. You’re just too damn self-obsessed and airheaded to take some damn notice. KRISTA Mom? GENEVIEVE Its true, honey. Krista can’t believe what she hears and stomps her feet in disgust and rage. KRISTA What about our family? What about Jade and Maya? GENEVIEVE Oh, honey, are they even my grandchildren? Maya lectured me on worker’s rights laws, did you know its illegal to keep them in cages, and Jade shows a remarkable lack of interest in abusing prescription drugs. Those are no grandkids of mine! KRISTA But what about Dad? What about all the stuff he’s done for you…the thing….and the thing…and the other thing! GENEVIEVE You think your father is innocent, honey? Why do you think I buy Christmas cards when we’re Jewish? To send to his illegitimate bastard children! Many of whom happen to be mexican and black, so I’m not even sure they can read the dang cards. KRISTA Ignoring the horrible racism for a second, dad is not like you. GENEVIEVE You’re right, honey. He’s worse. Much worse! He brings his little whores over to meet your brother, or play softball with the grandkids, or participate in a quickie when he thinks I’ve gone to the country club for the night, when in reality I’ve passed out in the wine cellar after shot of Gin and 500 G’s of vallium. I at least have the decency- KRISTA To tell the entire world you’re having an affair with Jock Mulligan the same time you tell your eldest daughter! And you, Jock! What about Malaysia? What about the hundreds of dollars she’s spent on nipple clamps, the countless hours she’s tested out riding crops just to make sure it leaves your ass the right shade of red. Do those tender moments mean nothing to you? MISTER DICK Tell her, baby. GENEVIEVE You’re going to love this. Malaysia is my lover also. KRISTA If anyone knows a good bridge to jump off, please raise your hands and I’ll take the address down momentarily. How am I supposed to love that?! GENEVIEVE Because I’m so progressive an open minded that not only do I have a lesbian lover, I have a Canadian at that. KRISTA Whopity shit, Angelina Jolie, you really are a woman of the world. MISTER DICK Quit yer bellyaching, woman. You ain’t gotta be so dramatic. KRISTA This isn’t your mom who’s thinking of being strapped into a spinning sex swing on Passover eve. MISTER DICK Thinking? We’ve been there and boned that! Ha! Krista’s fists tighten into balls, and prepare to strike at MD. GENEVIEVE Krista, now do you understand? KRISTA I understand you wish to doom me to even more years of electroshock therapy. GENEVIEVE Can you at least see why I have to remain neutral? KRISTA No! There is no neutral! The queen of Uzbekistan is bombing the hell of Switzerland! So pick a side! Me, your daughter, or the lord of the penis pump? Genevieve pauses to think this grave decision over. This pause does not please Krista, and she impatiently taps her foot. Mister Dick only smiles, confident that he will be the one chosen by the matriarch of the Duncan family. GENEVIEVE I chose him. KRISTA I’m your daughter! GENEVIEVE You treat my personal decisions, as if you’re the mother and I’m the daughter! As if I can’t have any say over what brings me joy. Like I have to get your approval to do anything! You can’t allow me this one bit of happiness, even though I’ve done everything in my power to give you a wonderful life. COACH Wonderful life? Good movie. COLE I’m trying to listen! GENEVIEVE This has nothing to do with you, this has everything to do with my happiness. This is about what I want, and what brings me fulfillment. And if you can’t accept that I don’t want you as my daughter. KRISTA Mom! GENEVIEVE Krista, I don’t love you anymore. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Genevieve steps away from her deeply wounded daughter. With heavy heart she turns to leave, but has her arm grabbed by Krista. This gives Mister Dick the excuse he needs to step in and he shoves Krista away. Hurt, Krista shoves him back, drawing a smile onto his face. That grin disappears and comes back as something more sinister when he knees Krista in the stomach. He captures her inside a front facelock and raises her into the air for a Jackhammer. COLE Oh my! Fortunately for Krista, her mother intervenes, and quickly convinces Jock to release her daughter. Krista is set down on the canvas where she watches the heart breaking sight of her mother leaving with The Cocky Prick.COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 Backstage in the catering areaJADE RODEZ-DUNCAN andMAYA DUNCAN-BLANCHARD are conversing in front of the catering table. JADE Its okay if you want to cry. MAYA I don’t want to cry. JADE Because there’s nothing wrong with crying. MAYA I agree. JADE So if you want to cry- MAYA I don’t. JADE There’s nothing to be ashamed of. So just go ahead and cry. MAYA I don’t want to cry. JADE Well, I do! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Suddenly their mother stomps over to them. KRISTA Hi, girls. MAYA Mom! Are you okay? KRISTA Yes, sweetie, I’m fine. Were you guys planning on eating anymore of this stuff? JADE *sniff* *sniff* No, we’re full I think. KRISTA Okay. Krista tips the entire catering table over! She then picks up the table and begins slamming it against the wall until it begins to crack from her assault. KRISTA See? I’m just fine! MAYA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 We see suit clad OAOAST president Alfdogg sitting behind his desk in his neatly organized office. ALFDOGG Ladies and gentlemen as you may have heard on The South Beach Spectacular, there will be a Ejaculation Chamber! After assurances from Theodore Moneymaker that no foul play or funny business will occur, I have decided to allow the match to go through at Anglelsam. We hear the sound of the audience cheering the announcement. ALFDOGG Maggie Nerdly has more on the Ejaculation Chamber. Maggie? We cut to MAGGIE NERDLY standing in front of a HeldDOWN~! backdrop. MAGGIE What up ya’ll! This Ejac.Chamber differs from the controversial first one because Popick isn’t likely to flip out and threaten to kill Superstar after he reads it. This one has higher stakes, because its gonna be for the Women’s Title. Even more awesome is that all the girls are gonna be in bikinis! The audience cheers again. MAGGIE Plus if any of the girls feel like gettin’ their freak on, there’s gonna be a baby oil pit. And Alix Maria Spezia will be the special guest referee! Qualifying matches start tonight with Lindsay Gonzalez against….ME! We return to a darkened arena where Destiny’s Child’s Independent Woman rallies through the speakers. Pink strobe lights fill the entry way, as Ms.Lindsay Gonzalez swaggers onto stage. A single spotlight falls on the pose striking beauty, who’s left leg is slightly extended and who’s right finger announces that she’s number 1 while her left hand falls on her hip. That’s a detailed pose! Pink pyro erupts behind her as a smile fills her face. She then strolls to the ring while warning the audience not to touch her beautiful body. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is an Ejaculation Chamber qualifying match! Now making her way to the ring from Toronto, Ontario, Canada by way of San Juan Puerto Rico, she is “THE LATINA BITCH”….MISS LINDSAY GONZALEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Positioned on the ring apron, Lindsay laughs at the slovenly audience members. She then slowly enters the ring, providing a nice look at ass by doing so. COLE Miss Lindsay Gonzalez recently had a break up with her tag team the Can Am Assassins. She looks to get on track here on HeldDOWN and qualify for Theodore Moneymaker’s Ejaculation Chamber.Crush Crush Crush CrushCrushCrush TWOTHREEFOUR Pillars of smoke rise from an entrance stage that’s lit with flashing green and gold lights. Maggie Nerdly, beneath a white bridal viel, skips out from the back and flashes the famous Nerdly RAWK hand signal to an approving audience. Maggie makes happily strolls down the ramp, slapping hands with her adoring fans. BUFFER And the opponent from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, she is the OAOAST’s very own “IT GIRL”….MAAAAGGGGIIIIIEEEEE NEEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDDLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY! Inside the ring, Maggie points her bouquet of flowers to each turnbuckle, sending green pyro into the air every time. COLE Two time OAOAST Women’s Champion, Maggie Nerdly has been in the title picture all summer long. But can she advance to the Ejaculation Chamber. DING DING DING Lindsay waves Maggie on, daring her to throw a punch. But when Maggie winds up to clock her foe, Lindsay rolls out the ring. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the fans are displeased with Lindsay’s show of cowardice. Lindsay isn’t exactly enamored with their disapproval, and barks at them to be silent. Maggie eventually has enough of Lindsay’s stalling and goes to chase her out the ring. But as soon as Maggie’s tennis shoes hit the mats, Lindsay’s body is sliding right back into the ring. Now free and clear, Lindsay performs a sexy hip swivel that infuriates Maggie. COACH Damn, work it, girl! Maggie slides into the ring, coming up into a waistlock from Lindsay. But Lindsay can’t keep hold of the youngest Nerdly child as Maggie swings behind for a waistlock of her own. Yet she doesn’t have the strength to keep Lindsay in her clutches, and the beautiful Latina breaks free to snag her inside a side headlock. “LET’S GO MAGGIE! LET’S GO MAGGIE! LET’S GO MAGGIE!” Lindsay wrenches and grinds on Maggie’s head, causing the Canadian great pain. For this reason she exerts all her energy into shoving Lindsay into the ropes. As Lindsay returns, Maggie attempts to overtake her with a hiptoss. But Lindsay leaps into her chest to attempt a monkey flip. Maggie counters this by arm dragging her foe to the ground. As the audience cheers Maggie’s performance, Holly takes a seat at the announce table. COLE We’re being joined by Women’s Champion, Holly. Welcome, Holly. HOLLY Welcome? How about a (beep) off bitch, or get your ass off my sofa. Welcome? You sound like a bitch and you look like one to. COLE I guess you’re in a sour mood over what happened on the South Beach Spectacular. HOLLY No (beep) shit, genius! Lindsay staggers to her feet, and Maggie’s tennis shoes blasts her with a dropkick. COLE Lindsay walked right into that one. HOLLY She needs to walk right into some nice hard (beep), she looks like she hasn’t been (beep) in years. Lindsay comes upright and launches a lariat at Maggie! Maggie catches hold of her arm and drops down to her butt to nail her foe with the Deodorator! After Lindsay topples to the canvas, Maggie hooks the legs for a pinfall.. ONE! TWO! Lindsay rifles her shoulder off the canvas. Maggie grabs hold of her arm and throws her into the corner posts. “RAWK ON!” Maggie shouts, before running after her opponent. But on her arrival she’s flipped over the ropes by Lindsay. Thankfully the cute Nerdly kid comes down on her shoes. She then scampers up the top rope, only to be struck in her face and thrown to the outside mats bellow. HOLLY I’m suddenly starting to love the (beep) out of this match. Lindsay exits the ring, and heads towards her fallen foe’s location. She gives her a few slaps across the cheek, before picking her up and nailing her with a stiff forearm shot. That blow leaves Maggie dazed, and allows Lindsay to dump her back into the ring. Lindsay follows her inside, and talks trash as she lays in stomps to Maggie’s back. COLE I have to think it would better if Lindsay would go for a pin instead of taunting Maggie. HOLLY The (beep) do you know? You’ve never wrestled. You can’t even wrestle your own tiny (beep), mother (beep) Lindsay scoops Maggie off the canvas, and leaps onto her for a Lindsaycanrana! Referee Charles Robinson scores the fall.. ONE! TWO! Maggie rolls out the pin, bringing forth cheers from the sold out audience. Lindsay threatens more miserey to come Maggie’s away if she doesn’t stay down for the next pin attempt. After that she hooks the legs of her foe… ONE! TWO! Maggie again kicksout, and the frustration becomes evident on Lindsay’s face. She scoops Maggie up, and traps her into a side headlock. From there she bounds to the corner, springs off of it and plants Maggie with The Latina Bitch Jam (stratusfaction) HOLLY This match is (beep) wonderful! The only way it gets better is if it was one of those Duncan girls being pounded on. Who’s that bitch Maya think she is. She’s not a little (beep) kid she’s old enough to wrestle, meaning she’s old enough to get her ass kicked. Lindsay dives atop Maggie for a crucial pinfall… ONE! TWO! Maggie lifts her shoulder off the canvas. “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Drawing on the strength of the crowd, Maggie fights to her feet. But she’s placed under extreme duress by forearms from Lindsay. Though the blows sting mightily, Maggie fights back by screaming in Lindsay’s ear! This batters Lindsay’s ear drums and signifigantly weakens her, allowing Maggie to take her over with The Swagger Jacker (release Northern lights suplex)! The referee drops down to count the resulting pinfall… ONE! TWO! Lindsay kicksout and throws Maggie off her. Exhausted from just that one suplex, The Latina Bitch slinks to the corner to catch her breath. But that won’t be possible as Maggie runs across the ring and arm drags her back to the center! The It Girl then impressively kips up and flies backwards with a standing moonsault! A pinfall is then counted by the referee… ONE! TWO! Lindsay finds the will and the strength needed to kickout. As she comes to her feet, Maggie takes to the ropes. But as she runs back to Lindsay, she encounters lariat! But Maggie blocks the attack with her forearm and delivers a roundhouse kick that dazes Lindsay. COLE Don’t Taze me Bro! Maggie grabs Lindsay into a hammerlock and then drives her down with a DDT! COLE Happiness is Edmonton in your Rearview Mirror! HOLLY (beep) this, I can’t believe she’s going to win. Maggie grabs onto both of Lindsay’s legs for the fall… ONE! TWO! THREE! DING DING DING BUFFER Your winner and advancing to the Ejaculation Chamber match…MAAAAAGGGGIIIIIEEEEEEEE NEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDLLLLLLYYYYYYY Maggie offers the RAWK~! hand signal to an appreciative crowd that salutes her efforts. She then gathers up her boquet of flowers and tosses it into the audience, letting the fans fight over ownership. COLE And Maggie has advanced to the Ejaculation Chamber where she’ll be joined by you, Holly and your friend, your only friend, Lorelei DeCenzo. HOLLY Just as long as Jade’s in it and I get to strangle her, I’m (beep) happy!COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 * BZZZZZZT * Static fills the screen, then cuts to black and white video shot from a hidden camera backstage at the South Beach Spectacular with the caption OMG TV at the top left hand corner. In the footage we see GENEVIEVE DUNCAN approach TIM CASH with food and drinks. A few seconds pass. PRODUCER And we’re out. Enjoy the match guys. We gotta go setup for the web show. CASH (waving goodbye) See you around. The camera crew leaves. Suddenly Cash clutches his stomach. GENEVIEVE Are you alright, sweetie? CASH I think I’m going to be sick. GENEVIEVE My private suite is just around the corner. You can use the facilities there. Cash makes a mad dash for Genevieve‘s room, only to FAINT halfway. But he does make it to Genevieve’s room, thanks to the help of MALAYSIA.OMG! * BZZZZZZT * COLE Krista’s mom helped set up Tim Cash! COACH Talk about a dedicated fan. She went above and beyond to ensure Mr. Dick regained the World title. COLE I-I don’t know what to say. Let’s take a break or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 How you feeling? (Hot hot hot) How you feeling? (Hot hot hot)HOT NEWZ~! The OAOAST's veteran broadcast guy Tony Brannigan sits deskside, inside the state-of-the-art OAOAST Hot Newsroom. BRANNIGAN Hey everyone, Tony Brannigan here with news coming out of last week's Spectacular OAOAST event in South Beach, Miami. Of course, last week, Krista Isadora Duncan won the Battlebowl BattleRoyal and earned the right to challenge for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title in four weeks at AngleSlam. However, the big surprise coming out of that match was the elimination of Money In The Bank briefcase holder Leon Rodez, at the hands of Tim Cash. Let's take a look.Reject then dumps Black over the top, but only to the apron, as Krista avoids Wright's Stock Market Crash, and hits the KID-OLOGY~!!!!!11111 Krista celebrates her feat, only to be dropped with Reject's EULOGY~!!!!!11111 Leon quickly strikes with a dropkick to Reject's knee, followed by his ROLLING SOBAT KICK~!!!!!11111 Leon stares down at the carnage...until Cash sneaks up from behind and tosses him to the floor! COLE/COACH LEON CASH Crowd................. :headbang: COACH ...did I just see that?!? COLE Yes you did! Leon Rodez eliminated, at the hands of Tim Cash! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ eliminated: Leon Rodez eliminated by: Tim Cash ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Leon knocks a referee to the ground and rolls back inside, clipping Cash from behind, then drilling him with the ROLLING SOBAT KICK~!!!!!11111 COLE Hey! This is uncalled for! Leon was eliminated fair and square! Leon slides out of the ring, leaving Cash laying unconscious, and retreats to the dressing room showered with boos. Reject picks up Cash and casually pitches him to the floor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ eliminated: Tim Cash eliminated by: RejectFinal Four: Christian Wright, Nathaniel Black, Krista Isadora Duncan, Reject ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COLE This is a travesty for Tim Cash! His opportunity stolen by Leon Rodez! BRANNIGAN Now as you'd expect, Leon Rodez was feeling plenty bitter by the end of the night. And our cameras caught up with Leon as he left the building, getting these exclusive post-match comments. In from the left corner of the screen comes raw footage, a shaky camera managing to catch Leon on his way out the door and into the parking lot. With his bag slung over his shoulder and Morgan Nerdly by the hand, Leon carries on towards his rental car, barely paying the camera any attention. CAMERA MAN Leon, what do you think about Mister Dick being the World Champion again? Are you gonna cash in, now you don't have Tim in the background to worry about? LEON ...I couldn't care less who the World Champion is. Or who the number one contender is. When I cash in... when I decide to cash in... it's not going to matter. And as far as "Tim" goes... I don't give a damn about him either. He's not an issue anymore. But if he sticks his nose in my business again... he's not going to enjoy the result. Now get the hell out of my face. Slamming his car boot shut, the grumpy Leon enters his car with a scowl and drives off, giving the camera not one more look. BRANNIGAN Leon Rodez, obviously looking forward to bigger and better things. Put aside that disappointment from last week and well, who can blame him, with that guaranteed shot at the World Title any time he wants still right there in his hands. We'll have more Hot Newz as it breaks. Until then, more HeldDOWN~! is on the way. Stay tuned.COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 ALEXANDER THE BRUTAL VS UNO In lieu of entrances please enjoy the one and only Lil B the Based God *DING DING DING* COLE A South Beach Spectacular rematch here on HeldDOWN~! And we're underway! Alexander roars like a beast from hell as he charges across the ring with a lariat. Uno ducks the attack and begins rifiling left hands at Alexander’s face. The Greek grappler shrugs off the attacks and begins slamming his fist against Uno’s cheek. Realizing that he can’t win a power battle with Alexander Uno kicks his foe in the knee. With Alexander hobbled, Uno takes to the ropes. But as he comes back Alexander thursts his foot forward and drops him with a devastating kick! A pinfall then follows…. ONE! TWO! Uno barely manages to avoid defeat. He comes to his feet only to be trapped inside a front facelock from his opponent . Alexander grabs hold of his waistband and then lifts him backwards for a vertical suplex. Another pinfall is made… ONE! TWO! Uno again kicksout! COACH Uno, it might just be better to stay down! Alexander grabs Uno by his mask and pulls him off the canvas. He literally throws him into the corner, where his broad shoulders dissect his foe’s midsection. Uno then stumbles out the corner, as Alexander runs the ropes. He bounces back to kick Uno in the head. Uno falls against the ropes, leaving him open to powerful punches that are rammed into his midsection. COLE The fans are just in awe of this impressive superstar Alexander The Brutal. ATB grabs Uno by the waist and throws him backwards with a release German Suplex! ALEXANDER UP! But Uno hasn't the strength to get up, forcing an angered Alexander to have to pull him upright. Alexander traps Uno inside a front facelock and drills him with a brainbuster! Another pinfall is made... ONE! TWO! Kickout! ALEXANDER Up! Uno follows orders this time, standing himself up in front of his hungry foe. Alexander pounces on him and rips him down to the canvas with a crossface! Uno doesn't even bother to struggle and promptly taps out. DING DING DING BUFFER Your winner as a result of a submission...ALEXANDER THE BRUTALLLLLLLL!!!!! Alexander doesn't bother to celebrate, instead he simply stares down at Uno with emotionless eyes. COLE Another BRUTAL victory for the Greek. One more match like this for Uno and he'll be joining Dos on the injured list! Backstage we see TIM CASH speaking with BARON WINDELS, who’s in the process of taping his fists. CASH Baron, again I want to apologize -- this time in public -- for what happened last week. BARON I told you it’s fine. CASH But you’re no longer the World Champion. And it’s because of me. BARON No, it’s because of that egg sucking dog. Down the hall the guys walk until BW barges into the dressing room of MR. DICK, not for him but MALAYSIA. BARON I got a score to settle with you, you crazy bitch! BW lunges towards Malaysia, only to be restrained by Cash. CASH Not like this! Not like this! Malaysia smiles sinisterly as OAOAST officials storm the room. COLE Oh man, we got a situation backstage. Who knows what might happen tonight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 Roll out the red carpet and lock up the unwashed, as "Parade Of The Charioteers" trumpets out through the arena! Heralding the arrival of the Cucaracha Kingdom, of course. Atop their podium mounted thrones, Queen Esther and King Landon are carried to the ring, the Queen doing the waving duties as King Landon looks on glumly at the festivities. The Knights, Rico and Lucius, watch carefully for any common folk who may try and jump the rails. Trailing far behind are Faqu and a despondant looking James Blonde. COACH COLE Would you quit that? COACH Sorry. COLE Have some dignity, man. The King and Queen leave their podium and enter the ring with the rest of the Kingdom. Noticeably, Blonde keeps his distance and stays near the ropes, not daring to make eye-contact with his King. QUEEN ESTHER Pray silence, please, for your noble King! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" KING LANDON My loyal subjects... you may look at me, your superior, and assume that I, as King of the Ring, have it all made. You may be envious when you love at my robes and my crown, my loyal Kingdom and my beautiful Queen. But I am here to tell you that I am just like you. Sometimes, it's not easy being King. No. You see, I have problems, just like any of you common people. And I feel you pain. I do. I feel the pain of anyone who's been hounded and bothered by somebody that no matter how hard they wish, just won't disappear. And I feel the pain of anyone who's had someone they trust let them down. Lately, my problems have been mounting. Problems which should have been dealt with by now. But they haven't. Which means it's fallen at the King's feet to do something about it. Esther claps, apparantly the mere thought of her King doing anything enough reason to break into applause. KING LANDON So, being the pro-active man that I am, I'm going to do something about my problems. I'm going to dictate my problems. Like a good King should. And the first problem is with what happened last week. Where-as I should have been crowning King of the Battlebowl as well and be main-eventing AngleSlam for the World Heavyweight Championship, I am not. And without naming any names.... James.... there's a very good reason for that. Blonde shirks away, as the King summons to the AngleTron. QUEEN ESTHER (off camera) Speak to us, oh magic mirror in the sky!Landon and Blonde then begin to assault Black, as Sandman works over Cash and Leon and PRL do battle. Landon and Blonde hit a double suplex, then Landon positions himself by the ropes, motioning for Blonde to whip Black in that direction. He attempts to, but Black reverses the whip, and Landon backdrops Blonde over the top! COACH Oh no! COLE Landon eliminated James Blonde! Landon is distracted long enough for Black to meet him with a clothesline which sends him to the outside as he turns around! COACH I can't believe this! COLE The Kingdom has crumbled here at Battlebowl! Blonde hangs his head mournfully, glancing up to see King Landon's disapproving gaze aimed at him. COLE What's Landon so mad about? He was the one who eliminated Blonde! COACH Thanks to Blonde's stupidity. Don't blame the King! He is blameless! Still not daring to look up, Blonde sinks deeper down into himself as King Landon takes a step nearer to him. KING LANDON You have failed me, James. BLONDE I know, I know. KING LANDON You failed me last week. And you've been failing me more and more lately. If it weren't for my leadership holding this Kingdom together, who knows if we'd even be the 6 Man Tag Team Champions today. I used to think highly of you, James. I moulded you in my image. Why, one day, I envisioned you as the heir to all of this. BLONDE (glancing up) Really? KING LANDON Yes, really. Because you were unerring loyal to me. And for that, I trusted you. I need to know I can trust you again. And I know that you've apologised... several times. But I need to know that you really mean it. That you're still that unerring loyal, unlike that ungrateful heathen, Nathaniel Black. If you really want to help this Kingdom grow then I need you to apologise to me, in front of the world. Apparantly, Blonde has no problem with this and takes a microphone. KING LANDONOn your knees. Stopping for a second, Blonde doesn't seem to be expecting that part of the deal. But, without too much resistance, he starts to get down on his knees and bows his head. BLONDE Landon, I... KING LANDONKing Landon! BLONDE Of course, of course! King Landon. I... unreservedly apologise for costing you the Battlebowl match last week. I realise that I let you down and by extension, let the entire Kingdom down. I only hope you can find it in your heart... you enormous, kind heart, to forgive me and to give me a second chance. I won't let you down. I promise. KING LANDON Very good. Now, kiss them. BLONDE ...excuse me? KING LANDON The feet. Kiss them. Said very matter of factly, King Landon folds his arms and waits patiently, to Blonde to pucker up... and, eventually, to give the royal feet a nice smooch. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" King Landon pats Blonde on the back and relieved, he joins the rest of the pack, welcomed back into the fold. KING LANDON Now, with that formality over with, that brings me to my next problem. Nathaniel Black. "YYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" KING LANDON Apparantly, the OAOAST villagers did not understand the importance of my dillemma. And, as such, no-one has collected my King's ransom as of yet. So, I'm going to sweeten the deal. The ransom has been increased... and it is now twenty thousand dollars of the Kingdom's riches that I will pay out, to whomever can rid me and the OAOAST of Nathaniel Black. And the sooner, the better. Infact, if you are able to deal with Black swiftly, I am willing to open up the bounds of the Kingdom to you. I have a lovely villa in the south of Spain. An historical family property. The royal vacation home. All yours, depending on dates and availability of course, to get rid of Black as soon as possible. COACHOoooohhh! COLE What is this now, a gameshow? If you break one of Black's legs, do you get to open the mystery box? Suddenly, music hits. No, not star prize celebration music, but "Mother" by Danzig. Aghast at the interruption, the King and Queen look on as The Last Kings Of Scotland march out, clubs flung over their shoulders. KING LANDON Woah woah woah, don't say one word! Not a word. I know what you're out here for. I do. You heard what I just said, didn't you? SCOTTISH SCOTT Aye. An' we're a wee bit sick o'listenin' to be honest with ye'. KING LANDON And I know what else you're sick of. SCOTTISH SCOTT Aye. You. "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" KING LANDONAnd... Nathaniel Black. I know you don't get along. I bet you're as sick of him as I am. Walking around, mouthing off about how little he needs your help. No gratitude. No respect. And English. Which is why I'm willing to sweeten my deal even more. Just hear me out. All you have to do is turn around, take those clubs, find Black and bludgeo... The King trails off, realising there are rather 'sensitive' ears next to him on the Queen. KING LANDON ...and "deal with him". You get rid of Black and I'll pay you the twenty thousand dollars. That's ten thousand each. And, better than that... you deal with Black and I'm willing to give one of you a match at AngleSlam. That's what you want. I know it. You do me this favour and I'll humour you and let you do battle with the King of the Ring. What do you say? Taking all this in, Scott and Danny Boy turn to each other and start to discuss this. Which raises the King's hopes, looking on expectantly. DANNY BOY Well, that's a fine offer there, "yer Highness". But, ye know what? We've got a better idea. See, instead of goin' back there and smashin' Black brains in... we could just come down this ramp an' smash yer Kingdom's brains in, one by one, until there's only you left. An' ye' know what... I think me an' Scott, we'd enjoy that idea a lot more. "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Expectancy turns to horror for the Kingdom as The Last Kings Of Scotland prepare to hit the ring! King Landon and Queen Esther bail out, as Rico and Lucius get the jump on the Scots coming into the ring. They pound away, with Blonde keeping Faqu back in reserve. After doing some damage, the Hellfire Club whip Scott and Danny Boy in, looking for stereo backdrops. But the Scots stop, put on the brakes and deliver HEADBUTTS! Rico and Lucius stagger back and get clotheslined over the top, to the outside! Blonde quickly unleashes his Samoan savage and orders him to attack, taking aim with a double clothesline... which is ducked. And the Scots double up with a clothesline of their own to send Faqu over the top rope! Rico and Lucius try to catch Faqu as he falls from the apron and end up bowled to the ground for their troubles. COLE Uh-oh! COACH Oh no, James, run! COLE Time to bend over and lick boot again, perhaps? Left alone in the ring with the two mohawks Highlanders, Blonde attempts to high-tail it... but gets caught! COLE Oh yeah! Time to pucker up! COACH No, no, nooo! King Landon looks on in despair from the stage, as Blonde is lifted up onto the shoulders of Scottish Scott! He begs, pleads, even prays for mercy, sat atop the burly shoulders. But nothing is going to work, as Danny Boy climbs to the top and launches himself with a SHOULDER TACKLE, sending Blonde flipping to the canvas far below!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" Turning their attentions to the head of the Kingdom, Scott and Danny point their fingers at the retreating King Landon. Danny places his foot on the motionless Blonde and beats his chest in victory as Scott vows to snap the King in half, forcing the Queen to cover her delicate eyes. COLE I don't think the problems are over for the Kingdom. Infact, I think they've only just begun!COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 COLE I’m being told that there is something going on backstage! COACH What? COLE I don’t know. Just something big! TO THE BACK~! The camera cuts to the backstage area where a mugging is apparently going on. The camera zooms in closer to reveal that it is members of The Enterprise beating someone down! COLE It looks like The Enterprise has cornered someone! But who? Theodore Moneymaker directs traffic as Colin Maguire, Jr., Christopher Patrick Allen, Detective Tango Bosley and Spencer Reiger hammer away on an unknown foe. Christian Wright gets his shots in, and it is then that the victim is revealed to be THA PUERTO RICAN! COLE Oh my! Tha Puerto Rican is being brutalized by The Enterprise! COACH This must be payback for Tha Puerto Rican stabbing Teddy in the back at The South Beach Spectacular! COLE ‘Stabbing him in the back’? Lorelei DeCenzo and Moneymaker look on with glee as the LDC Moneygang, V.I.C.E. and Wright manhandle the United States Champion! Punches come at Tha Puerto Rican’s face in rapid fire succession with The People’s Champ unable to defend himself. COLE Tha Puerto Rican refused Theodore Moneymaker’s 'Blood Money', and now he’s paying for it! COACH Hey, he was asking for it! THEODORE MONEYMAKER Let me, gentlemen. Let me! The rest of The Enterprise stands back as Moneymaker delivers his own jabs to Tha Puerto Rican’s skull! The Enterprise roots their leader on. MONEYMAKER I GAVE YOU A CHANCE, P.R.! YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE! THIS IS ALL ON YOU! Teddy flings Tha Puerto Rican into a garage door! More punches follow, before Spencer Reiger grabs a garbage can and throws it into Tha Puerto Rican’s body! Christian Wright decides to throw PRL into the garage door again! COLE Dammit! Somebody stop this! COACH Why? This is fun to watch! The LDC Moneygang drag Tha Puerto Rican over to a giant black crate. Once there, they start slamming PRL’s face repeatedly into the heavy object! They lift PRL up and drop him jaw-first onto the giant crate! PRL crumbles onto the ground, holding his jaw in pain. TEDDY Okay. That’s enough. He got the message! Lorelei rushes over and gives PRL a soccer-style kick to the stomach! TEDDY Well, okay, NOW he got the message. BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Enterprise members laugh maniacally. Teddy tells them all to leave and they do so. COLIN MAGUIRE, JR. Not feelin’ so strong, eh, People’s Champ? The Enterprise has disappeared from the scene, leaving Tha Puerto Rican beaten, clutching his stomach. He sits up, using the giant black crate to rest his throbbing head. PRL groans in pain, having trouble breathing as the crowd watches, worried for their hero. PRL sits in pain on the floor as the crowd boos loudly over what The Enterprise has just done. COLE Oh My~! Tha Puerto Rican has irked Theodore Moneymaker! What will Tha Puerto Rican do in response? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2013 BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship! Before we meet the participants, allow me to first introduce to you our special guest commentator… KKRRRRRIIIIIISSSTTTAAAAAA ISADORA DDUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"Give me those bright lights, long nights High rise, over time Worshiped on her way to Sofa Central, Krista stops to signal out a sign that reads “KRISTA: NEXT WORLD CHAMPION!” COLE She’ll get her shot Monday night, August 29th at AngleSlam live exclusively on pay-per-view. And with that we welcome Krista to Sofa Central. KRISTA Let’s get on with it, shall we? "Solar Midnite" by Lupe Fiasco hits and the girls in the audience go nuts as D*LUX head to the ring. BUFFER Coming to the ring at this time, the challenger, accompanied by fellow D*LUX member “SHOWTIME“ SHAYNE BRAVE… from Auburn Hills, Michigan, weighing 196 pounds… "TREMENDOUS" TTYYYYYYYLLLLLEEEEEERRRRRRR BBRRRRRYYYYYYYYAAAAAAANNTT!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" COACH D*LUX? More like GOOD LUCK tonight amirite? KRISTA I don’t like you. COLE KRISTA And I’m not too fond of you either. COLE “Motherfucker of the Year” by Motley Crue cues and Mr. Dick is showered onstage by golden pyro. BUFFER And his opponent, accompanied by the Ultimate Combination of Beauty and Beatdowns, MALAYSIA! From San Antonio, Texas, weighing 238 pounds, the newly crowned OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion… MMMIIIIIIIIIIISSSSTTEEEERRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" In addition to being the new champion, MD debuts new airbrushed short shorts with the faces of Malaysia and Genevieve Duncan kissing a heart strategically located on the crotch area, their hands clinching his buttocks on the back. COACH Love the new digs. COLE And quite the dig at Krista with her mother on the front. Just in case Krista didn’t get a good look at his shorts, MD leans in against the ropes sticking his crotch out at her. KRISTA * DINGDINGDING * The bell sounds and MD suckers Tyler into a handshake, then kicks him in the gut! KRISTA Gee, only person who didn’t see that coming was Tyler himself. After a series of right hands Tyler ducks a STIFF KICK and scores with a SPINNING WHEEL KICK! The cover. ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! Tyler takes MD over with a side headlock… ONE! TWO! NO! …and nearly gets a pin out of it. MD scissors the head and Tyler floats on top, but MD bridges up and clubs him across the shoulders, then delivers an inverted atomic dropped followed by a clothesline from hell… COUNTERED INTO A CRUCIFIX PIN! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! MD reverses a whip and connects with a STIFF KICK! The cover. ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! MD rams Tyler into the buckle, then paintbrushes him, which only lights a fire under the Tremendous One. Tyler shoves MD in the corner and hammers away from the middle rope. ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN!!! COLE Coming in at #1-10 in tonight’s Top 10 Hit, Tyler Bryant! You go boy! MD staggers out of the corner and into a PHANTOM NECKBREAKER! The cover. ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! MD uses the ref to help himself up as Tyler heads to the top, and with the ref distracted Malaysia CROTCHES Tyler! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" From the middle rope MD delivers a SUPER GUTBUSTER! COACH Talk about the ultimate Cock Block. *laughs* The cover. ONE! TWO! COLE You can go ahead and write this one in the record book. It’s over. KRISTA No, it’s just about to begin. Krista drops her headset and enters the ring. THREE!!! * DINGDINGDING * Although MD scores the W, it was never Krista’s intention to breakup the pin. All she wanted was a piece of MD and gets just that as the two trade blows! COLE Krista can’t wait until AngleSlam. She’s getting her some of Mr. Dick right now. Malaysia intervenes on behalf of her man, leading to a 2 on 1 beat down of Krista. “BARON!” “BARON!” “BARON!” Ask and you shall receive OAOAST Galaxy. BARON WINDELS hits the ring and a mini-battle royal ensues with him, Malaysia, Krista and Mr. Dick. COACH We got all hell breaking loose, Cole. COLE And we’re outta time! We’ll see you next week!FADE TO BLACKOAOAST 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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