OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 6/17/10

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


HeldDOWN opens to find the entire roster located on the ring apron or strewn about the outside canvas. Each them converse amongst themselves, unsure of why they’ve been called together. Some like agitated with the proceedings while others remain curious over what’s in store. In the center of the ring is Terry Taylor.

TERRY
Hello, OAOAST Galaxy! I’m glad you could join us tonight here in Chicago!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

TERRY
There’s a full show of action tonight, headed up by the Deadly Alliance facing off against Chicks Over Dicks and Mariachi. But right now we have something major that needs to be addressed.

SPENCER REIGER
Everyone already knows you and Mariachi had a quicky in the janitors closet!

KRISTA
Be honest which one of you mutant creeps hasn’t had a quickie with Mariachi?

MARIACHI


TERRY
No not that.

JUMBO
If this is about the toilet overflowing last week in Richmond, Bosley was in the bathroom with me.

BOSLEY
You lying piece of crap I’ll rip your fat face off!

TERRY
Not that either!

CASH
Guys, lets give Terry the attention and respect he deserves.

SYNTH
Give attention to these nuts, bitch!

Colin and Reiger pass high fives to Synth.

TERRY
This is going to be a long night. If I could continue. Josie Baker came in for her second run as HeldDOWN general manager over a year ago. In her time we’ve seen a tremendous jump in ratings, the creation of new mainevent superstars such as Reject and Mister Dick, a fierce level of competition, and numerous matches that have blown the roofs off arena’s world wide.  Josie’s regime has defined the OAOAST as a cutting edge, hip, and young hot spot for all the world’s finest athletes. Without Josie’s vision and foresight we do not have the fantastic product we have today.  I believe we all owe Josie a debt of gratitude for her contributions as HeldDOWN general manager. Let’s have a round of applause for Josie Baker.

A polite clapping goes up for Josie’s achievements.

TERRY
But Josie’s turn as general manager has also been marred by controversy.  Many times she’s played favorites, cow towing to Mister Theodore Moneymaker and his whims, giving the The Enterprise CEO whatever he desires no matter who it may harm in the process. She’s also shown herself to be a violent enemy, waging war against OAOAST superstars such as Morgan Nerdly. Little Morgan has been harassed, hounded and mistreated by Josie for a year and it shows no sign of stopping any time soon. The two women have gone back and forth with this war with Josie routinely provoking Morgan and drawing out her violent side. Many people have been hurt and have suffered due to Josie’s personal battles with Morgan. And although he isn’t popular with the OAOAST Galaxy, Leon Rodez has been a victim of Josie Baker.

“LEON SUCKS! LEON SUCKS! LEON SUCKS”

TERRY
Since being cheated out of his title match last October by Reject, Leon has never gotten another world title shot despite having one of the best records in the OAOAST.  Leon Rodez was the runner up in the 2010 Lethal Rumble and has time and time again been passed over for world title oppurunities. This forced him to resort to stealing the Money In The Bank briefcase at Anglemania, causing incredible controversy. If Josie had merely given Leon his title shot, that terrible action never would’ve happened. Instead of immediately stripping Leon of the briefcase as she should have, Josie was forced to let him keep it. This is due to her shocking Morgan with a surprise opponent at Anglemania after Morgan defeated Crystal. Josie had no leg to stand on and now Leon has a briefcase he never should have had in the first place and a title shot he should have had long ago.

“LEON SUCKS! LEON SUCKS! LEON SUCKS!”

TERRY
Its for these reasons that despite Josie’s previously listed accomplishments that the OAOAST brass has decided to relieve Josie Baker of her managerial duties.

The fans and the superstars murmur in shock and confusion. Leon smirks to himself and nods his head while Morgan looks around nervously, fearful that Josie may come to attack her at any moment.

COLE
This is a gigantic shock! What a way to start HeldDOWN~! live from The Windy City!  

TERRY
The OAOAST brass has preformed and extensive search to find a sutiable replacement. Someone with character, class, dignity and a respect for this industry. They’ve found someone who knows the OAOAST superstars and who the OAOAST superstars can respect in turn.  Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Josie’s permanent replacement…

A hushed silence goes over the arena for several seconds, then Magnum Opus hits, and the place erupts.

COLE
Oh my!

Alfdogg walks through the curtain, shakes Taylor's hand, and grabs the mic, as the camera focuses on Reject at ringside, intently staring at Alf.

ALF
Thank you.

*crowd cheers*

ALF
First off, I'd like to second everything Terry just said.  Josie did a lot of good things as OAOAST President...but no matter what you think of Leon and Morgan, she was less than impartial in her dealings with those two.

*mixed reaction*

ALF
Speaking of which...Two weeks ago, she booked a match for the Great Angle Bash between Morgan and Abdullah Abir Nerdly.  Now, I'd say it's obvious that this match was booked to spite Morgan, so I'll ask you, Morgan...do you want to face Abdullah Abir Nerdly at the Great Angle Bash?

Morgan looks around for a microphone, as Deuce Deuce Bigelow grabs one from the timekeeper, and passes it through the ropes to her.

MORGAN
Yes, I still want the match!

*crowd cheers*

ALF
So that's settled, then!  At the Great Angle Bash, the match between Morgan Nerdly and Abdullah Abir Nerdly, is on!

*crowd cheers*

ALF
I've also got another huge announcement regarding the Great Angle Bash, this one concerning the OAOAST Heartland title!

COACH
Thunderkid's the Heartland champion, but he's already got a match at the show!  What could this be?

ALF
Starting at the Great Angle Bash, there will be a Best-of-7 match series for the Heartland title, with champion Thunderkid putting the belt up against the former champion, Denzel Spencer!

The crowd cheers, as TK shouts complaints to Alf.

ALF
Now, I'm aware, TK, that you're already booked against Chicks Over Dicks at the Great Angle Bash, where the first match is scheduled to take place.  So if you'll meet me in my office later, we can work a way around this.  As far as the series itself, it will be contested under Spin-the-Wheel, Make-the-Deal rules!  The winner of each match will spin the wheel to decide what sort of match the next will be.

COLE
Wow, what a series that should be!

ALF
Now then, I want to move onto our World champion, Mr. Dick.

*mixed reaction*

ALF
Mr. Dick has a very tough match at the Great Angle Bash, a title defense against Baron Windels!

*crowd cheers*

ALF
But I can't help but notice...with all due respect to his opposition...he hasn't exactly faced top-flight competition in readying himself for this match.

Mr. Dick mouths "What're you talkin' about?" from inside the ring.

ALF
I mean, Baron Windels has got retribution on his mind, and Mr. Dick needs to be ready.

Cut to Baron, who nods his head in agreement with a smirk on his face.

ALF
So, next week, from Madison Square Garden...Mr. Dick is gonna be defending the OAOAST World Heavyweight championship!

*crowd cheers*

ALF
And he'll be defending it against a native of the Big Apple, in a rematch from AngleMania...another guy who hasn't received a rematch since losing the title, I might add, I'm talking about Reject!

This gets a mixed reaction from the crowd, as MD curses Alf in the ring.

COLE
Whoa!  An AngleMania main event rematch, live next week?!?

COACH
Wow, I can't wait for that match, Cole!

ALF
And this won't affect Baron Windels...he will still get a shot at whoever comes out of Madison Square Garden with the title, at the Great Angle Bash! However, in the interest of fairness, Baron will also compete here tonight. And his opponent will be... Malaysia!

*crowd cheers*

"NO!" shouts MD in disgust. Malaysia can't believe it herself.

ALF
Look on the bright side, Dick. At least now you'll find out if Baron Windels can pin Malaysia 1-2-3.

COLE
A reference to comments Mr. Dick made a couple nights ago on OAOAST Syndicated.

ALF
That's all I have for now, folks!  Enjoy the show, and enjoy a new era in the OAOAST!

Magnum Opus plays, and Alf walks back through the curtains.

COLE
Well, I think Alf showed right away he holds no grudges in office, giving his bitter rival, Reject, a rematch at the World title next week, wow!

COACH
Alf definitely made big waves in his first appearance as the new OAOAST President, no doubt!

COLE
Folks, we'll be back!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
6 PERSON TAG
THE DEADLY ALLIANCE VS CHICKS OVER DICKS & MARIACHI
TONIGHT!

[Chanel #99]

HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN IT!

Family Force Five’s Love Addict plays out Doctor Stephen Pigley of The Love Doctors. Inside the red and blue whirling lights, the handsome Chicago native melts panties and hearts with his seductive and sexy grinding. The fans let out a large pop in response to the appearance of their hometown hero.

BUFFER
The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Chicago, Illinois... weighing two hundred, ten pounds. The host of Chicago radio's weekly "Love Line" and one half of THE LOVE DOCTORS... DOCTOR SSSTTEEEEEEVVVEEEEEENN... PPIIIIIIIIIIGGLLLLEEEEEYYYYYY!!

COLE
Its always a treat to see one of The Love Doctors on HeldDOWN~! However, Doctor Steven Pigley returns to his hometown to face a major challenge in the rookie from Calgary, Quiz!

“Khyber Pass” plays to its usual negative reaction as Quiz and Logan Mann make their way past the entrance doors. Mann rocks out with some headbanging as Quiz prepares to bang heads with cracking knuckles.

BUFFER
And his opponent, from Calgary, Alberta, weighing two hundred seventy seven pounds, being accompanied by Logan Mann, QUUUUIIIIZZZZZZZZ!

Entering the ring, Quiz levels an intimdating stare upon the good doctor. Pigley refuses to be afraid and holds his ground as well as a defiant expression.

DING DING DING

Quiz latches onto Pigley’s neck in setup for a chokeslam! But Pigley slides out the hold and takes off to the ropes. He bounces back and ducks beneath a big boot from the Canadian monster. Pigley then turns around to fire off a parade of shots at Quiz’s body. Weakening the big man with the attacks, the doctor attempts an Irish whip. However, Quiz latches down onto the top rope to hold firm in his position.

COACH
That’s like trying to whip an elephant!

Annoyed with Pigley’s repeated attempts to whip him, Quiz merely grabs onto his neck and throws him over the ropes. Pigley splatters onto the blue ringside mats, and is stomped by Logan Mann’s combat boots.  But Pigley fights back with blows to Mann’s stomach and wards off the Heavenly Rocker.

“LOGAN SUCKS! LOGAN SUCKS! LOGAN SUCKS!”

Now free of Logan, Pigley attempts to climb back into the ring. But he’s met with clubbing forearms by Quiz. Faced with the powerful arms of his opponent, Pigley is forced to resort to dirty tactics and eye rakes Quiz!

COACH
Defend that, Mikey!

COLE
Defend Logan attacking Doctor Pigley on the outside. That’s a far worse offense.

While Quiz stumbles away, blinded from the attack, Pigley climbs to the top turnbuckle. He works up the female audience members with a little ass shaking, and then readies himself to fly forward. But Quiz swats him off the top rope with a single punch! Pigley tumbles thorugh the air, crashing down in a hard heap on the mats.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!”

COLE
That did not look good.

COACH
What are you talking about? That looked great.

Quiz ducks through the ropes and heads to the outside. He grabs  Pigley by his skimpy black tights and rolls him back into the ring. The big man then climbs onto the ring apron to reenter the ring but is met with a surprising dropkick from the recoverd Pigley! The doctor of doctornomics proceeds to unleash a stream of kicks to Quiz’s leg as he tries to return to the ring.  But his blows are merely piddling strikes as Quiz punches him away with considerable ease.

COLE
Doctor Pigley is throwing everything he has at Quiz and it just isn’t enough.

COACH
Quiz is one of the best big men we’ve seen in the OAOAST in a while. If he keeps his head in the game he could be on the same level as guys like Bohemoth or Axel, or Gunner Sharps.

Pigley winds up in the corner, exhausted and out of breath. He’s soon faced with a running lariat from the giant. But Pigley wards it away with a raised boot! Quiz staggers away, his head falling into his hands. With Quiz stunned, Pigley goes to the top rope. He signals to the audience and then jumps forward with a hurricanrana! Referee Clem Buzzlefoxer counts the ensuing pinfall…

ONE!

Quiz easily pushes himself out the pinfall. While he gets to his feet, Pigley takes to the ropes. Coming back he leaps at the muscle bound Calgary native with a cross body block! But Quiz catches him within his beefy arms. He then drops forward to crush Pigley’s bones with a fall forward slam. The leg is hooked and Buzzlefoxer counts the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Kickout!

Quiz roars in disgust as he can’t fathom failing to gain a three count. Angered, he pulls Pigley to his feet and batters him with a series of headbutts. He then throws Pigley into the cables. Upon Pigley’s return Quiz raises his boot to strike Pigley down. But Pigley rolls beneath the signature attack.  He pops up behind Quiz and attempts to stun him with a backslide. But Quiz proves too large and too strong to be properly pulled down, and a frustrated Pigley abandons his efforts. He turns around and dropkicks Quiz into the ropes. Quiz bounces back and is taken off his feet with another dropkick! Pigley then pleases the ladies with some sexy hip swiveling.


"OINK! OINK! OINK!" The fans chant led on by Doctor Anderson who has appeared at ringside.

COLE
Doctor Pigley’s starting to feel it!

Signalling to the audience, Pigley heads to the top rope. He then comes off with a cross body block as Quiz gets to his feet. But Quiz counters the attack into a powerslam! Buzzelfoxer counts the pin…

ONE!


TWO!


Pigley makes a kickout!

COLE
Doctor Pigley is showing a lot of toughness here tonight on HeldDOWN~!

Quiz picks Pigley off the canvas and stuffs him between his legs. He then brings him onto his shoulders and runs forward to drive him viciously into the canvas with a running powerbomb.

COLE
Doctor Pigley just took a Pop Quiz!

The pinfall is scored….

ONE!


TWO!


THREE!

DING DING DING

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall…..QUUUUIIIIIZZZZZZ!

COLE
A decisive victory for Quiz, and a frustrating loss for Doctor Pigley in his own hometown.

Logan Mann gets into the faces of the audience members, informing them of Quiz’s dominance and greatness. Quiz for his part simply grabs onto the top rope and stares with fuming fire at the OAOAST Galaxy. Elsewhere Dr.Anderson cobbles up his broken partner and promises revenge over his brutal defeat.

Backstage, our inconspicuous (and therefore slightly creepy) cameras have managed to find a way to eavesdrop on young Melody Nerdly, looking distressed as she chats to one of her many sisters, Molly Nerdly.

MOLLY
So, what are you going to do?

MELODY
I don't know! Damn you Red Ring Of Death! If I can't find another XBOX between now and tommorrow then Melody's Mastadons can kiss goodbye to the Madden playoffs! I mean, I guess I could ask around, see if anyone else has got one back at their hotel room or something. But... well, let's keep this strictly private message and all, but mine was... ya know, "customised".

MOLLY
You mean with stickers?

MELODY
I mean with HAXX0RS.

MOLLY
...Jim Duggan stickers?

Melody shakes her head, realising she's not getting through.

MELODY
Doesn't matter. Point is, unless some serious cash flow money falls from the sky, I'm screwed!

As Molly comforts her sister, we zoom out...



...and right out of the screen, where VINNY VALENTINE and The Burrough Boys are huddled around a monitor watching this.

MARIANO
Aw shit, I'd like to give dat girl another red ring of death!

QUINCY
I'd play wit' her XBox all night, yaknowwhati'msayin'!?

VINNY
Hey, hey, put a zip on them dirty lips, daddios.

Deep in thought, Vinny rubs his chin.

VINNY
I just got an idea. And after this, she ain't gonna be able to resist Vinny V... I'm going to be her knight in shining leather pants!

Without elaborating on his plan, Vinny walks off. And The Burrough Boys, to put it mildly, do not care at all.

THE GREAT ANGLE BASH
SUNDAY NIGHT, JUNE 27
LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW!

[Chanel #99]

Coming back from the break we're greeted by Vinny Valentine, stood in the ring with a microphone in hand. The disco lights are flashing but Vinny isn't in the mood for dancing. Well, maybe just a little shuffle or two.

VINNY
Now, all the foxy ladies and the hipcats that know, know that the Vinman is one mean mamma-jamma when it comes time to get down.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

VINNY
And tonight, it's time to get down. I've got a challenge and baby, I'm layin' it right out. There's a guy in the back and I'm callin' him out, right now. Nathaniel Black, let's dance, brother.

Vinny turns to the stage and waits, big smile on his face.

COLE
...what!? What on earth is this about?

COACH
Vinny V wants some action!

After several seconds with no answer, Vinny gets impatient.

VINNY
I know you're back there, baby. Don't be shy. Come on out, so I can put the boot to your bootie.

Vinny steps back and waits again... and this time, doesn't have to wait long, before "Chelsea Dagger" pumps out. Looking irritated at having been disturbed, Nathaniel Black stomps to the ring, looking at Vinny with disbelief on his face.

COLE
Okay. Has Vinny Valentine finally lost his mind? Why would you call out a man like Nathaniel Black, who's never in a good mood and is even more miserable lately?

COACH
Isn't it obvious?

COLE
No.

COACH
Nathaniel Black is a wanted man! He's committed crimes against the Kingdom! And Vinny Valentine is going to collect the King's ransom!

Black stomps up the steps and into the ring, giving a hard scowl to the disco dancing fool.

COLE
Well you do bring up a good point. Two weeks ago, King Landon Maddix put a $15,000 bounty on the head of Nathaniel Black, claiming he didn't want to dirty his own hands with him. And I guess Vinny Valentine is the first person stupid enough to risk his neck for the money.

With Vinny looking ready to go, Black is asked if he wants to agree to this impromptu match by the referee before the bell is called for.


*DINGDINGDING*

Straight out of the block, Vinny surprises Black with an ambush in the corner! Vinny wails away on Black with wild punches and kicks, like a man possessed!

COACH
Look at Vinny go! This is a man who wants the fifteen thousand dollars! This is a man who wants to do the King's duty!

Vinny has the upperhand, but unfortunately forgets about the five count. The referee is forced to move Valentine back and the small arguement that follows allows Black to get back to his feet. He grabs hold of Vinny and switches him into the corner, then turns on the BLACK HAMMER and starts slugging at his head repeatedly!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

COACH
Oh... oh, no.

COLE
I think Vinny just made Nathaniel even madder. Not good!

Beaten into a daze, Vinny is regretting his challenge now as Black whips him across the ring. Following across Black then levels Vinny with a clothesline in the other corner! Vinny stumbles out, legs wobbly. Growling under his breath, Black marches up behind and spins Vinny around, to level him with a European uppercut! And another one! Flinging Valentine to the ropes, Black then drops his head, headbutting Vinny in the stomach and knocking the wind out of him.

COLE
Oof! That one caught Vinny.

Black leads Vinny up... and smacks him right across the face.

COLE
So did that one. Yikes.

Picking him up again, Black forearms Vinny in the face, then starts to stomp away against the ropes. The referee again gets no answer to his five count and is forced to step in. But Black doesn't want to know and shoves the referee aside...



...which allows Vinny the opening to hit a LOWBLOW!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Vinny takes advantage with a double sledge from the back and covers Black...


1...


2...


Kickout!

A blatant choke is Black's reward for kicking out, Vinny resorting to some cheap tactics.

"ONE!"
"TWO!"
"THREE!"
"FOUR!"

VALENTINE
...GET ON THE FLOOR!

Vinny jumps up and disco dances, to a chorus of boos.

COLE
That's not going to win you your fifteen thousand dollars.

COACH
Sometimes you can't just control the rhythm.

Back up, Black is caught with a punch to the breadbasket. And a second one. Hooking him up, Vinny then twists Black into position for a neckbreaker. But not before giving the crowd the HIP SWIVEL does he hit the move!

COLE
Rude Awakening Neckbreaker! That's a page out of Tony Brannigan's book.

Cover by Vinny...


1...


2...


No!

Black sits up seething, not beaten yet. Vinny tries to get keep things under control though, slapping on a rear chinlock.

COLE
Do you think, somewhere, King Landon is actually routing for Vinny Valentine? What an odd pair that would make.

"DIS - CO SUCKS!"
"DIS - CO SUCKS!"
"DIS - CO SUCKS!"
"DIS - CO SUCKS!"

Apparantly distracted by the disparaging remarks about his one passion, Vinny allows Black to fight back to his feet and try to fight out of the hold. He elbows his way free, then knocks Vinny down off the ropes with a shoulder block. Black comes off the ropes again and Vinny rolls over, forcing the Brit up and over. Quickly up, Vinny ducks his head a little too quickly and pays for it, hooked up and hit with a Double Underhook Suplex!

COACH
Aw, man. Come on Vinny! Think of the money!

COLE
I don't think all the money in the world could help Vinny Valentine right about now!

Both men get back up, but it's Black, ready and waiting to unleash the BLACK LARIAT!! Cover...


1...


2...


NO!

Black wastes no time, dragging poor Vinny right back up. Holding him up by the scruff of the neck, Black starts delivering elbows. Repeatedly. And then some European uppercuts, also repeatedly. Which would force Vinny to fall down repeatedly, were he not being kept upright.

COLE
Man, Nathaniel Black is just laying into Valentine!

With Vinny wobbly, Black turns and hits the ropes. But miraculously, Valentine manages to cut him off with a foot to the gut. Vinny then pulls Black in and sets him in a standing headscissors.

COACH
Atta boy Vinny!

COLE
Could it be a piledriver here?

Vinny goes to get Black up for one, but the Brit blocks it. And again. Suddenly standing up, Black finds himself with Vinny up on his shoulders and lets out a yell, before DRIVING Vinny down with an Alabama Slam!

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
No. Apparantly, it couldn't.

Grabbing Vinny's foot, Black rolls Valentine back to his feet... and LEVELS HIM WITH A CLOTHESLINE!!

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
And WHAT a shot that was! He might have caved in Vinny's chest!

Not satisfied, Black drags Vinny's lifeless body off the mat one more time. He calls for the end and crosses up Vinny's arms, taking him up and down with the BRITTANIA BOMB!!!


1...



2...



3!!!!

*DINGDINGDING*


BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... NNAAAATTHHHAAAANNIIIIEEELLL... BBLLLLLAAAAAAACCKK!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

Throwing Vinny aside, Black stands over him with a scowl on his face, then turns his attentions to the cameras, daring anyone else to "bring it on".

COLE
And that performance right there may well have put off some would-be bounty hunters. Nathaniel Black is not to be messed with... not even for fifteen thousand of King Landon's dollars.

As Black continues to march dominantly around the ring, backstage, this is being enjoyed greatly by MELODY and MOLLY NERDLY. Grins on their faces, the girls watch on, Molly holding a video camera under her arm.

MELODY
High five!

*slap!*

MELODY
YEAH~!

Black leaves the ring, leaving poor Vinny Valentine in a crumpled heap in the ring.

COACH
I can't believe... those scheming women! They set poor Vinny up!

COLE
It's amazing what some people would do for a woman's affections. It's more amazing what some people would try to do and fail miserably at. Guess which one Vinny Valentine is?

[Chanel #99]

Alfdogg is sitting in his office as he's approached by TK and Sandman9000.

ALF
Hey, guys, I was wondering if you were gonna show up!

TK
So how are you gonna pull this one off?

ALF
Well, I wouldn't make you wrestle two matches, especially considering the quality of your opposition in those matches.  So you can wrestle one of the matches, and I'll let you use an alternate in the other.

TK
Fine.  I got my alternate right here.  He'll take my place in the first match against Denzel.

ALF
All right!  Although, since you subbed out of that match, I'm going to let Denzel do the spin on the first match.

TK
Why?  I'm the champ, I should have the privilege.

SANDMAN
Don't worry about it, dude.  I can win any kind of match against that chump.  Let him spin it, and you go get those tag belts.

TK (hesitates)
Sounds like a plan.

ALF
Great!  Then it's a deal.

TK and Sandman confidently exit the office.

COMMERCIAL

“Wildside” by Motley Crue hits and Malaysia heads straight to the ring wielding her whip.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, being led down the aisle by OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion MR. DICK… from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, she is the ultimate combination of beauty and beat downs… MMMMAAALLLLLLAAAAAYYYYYSIA!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MD rubs Malaysia down as “Thriller” by Fall Out Boy cues.

BUFFER
And her opponent… from San Antonio, Texas, weighing 265 pounds, he is accompanied by fellow Citizen Soldier TIM CASH… “THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER” BBAAAAARRRRROOOOOOOOOONN WINDELS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BW charges the ring, causing MD to bail, but not Malaysia. They come chest to chest and Malaysia fires the first shot, shoving BW.

Again.

And again.

COLE
Malaysia's really pressing her luck here.

BW cocks his fist but can’t pull the trigger. Malaysia can, though. A series of forearm shots rattle BW, but he ducks a clothesline following an Irish whip and connects with a boomerang lariat!

COLE
MySpace Comeback!

COACH
I can’t believe that goody too shoes hit a woman from behind, Cole.

COLE
If Malaysia is going to be in the ring with a man she can expect to be treated like one.  

* DINGDINGDING *

MD climbs on the apron in protest and gets drilled by a Cowboy Bebop elbow!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Malaysia staggers to her feet and right into a BRIGHAM YOUNG COCKTAIL DDT!!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

COACH
No way! What a miscarriage of justice this is, Cole.

COLE
Not only did Baron Windels pin Malaysia 1-2-3, he did it in under 30 seconds!

MD goes berserk outside as the official raises BW’s hand in victory.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match… in under 30 seconds… “THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER” BBAAAAARRRRROOOOOOOOOONN WINDELS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

MD drags Malaysia by the hair outside and then chews out BW, who motions for him to come on in. Of course MD declines.

COLE
The Alfdogg administration is off to a rousing start. What a night it’s been. And we’ve still got more to come!

COACH
I don’t know how much longer I can go, Cole.

COLE
That’s what she said.

COACH
Why, you…

COLE
Stay with us, ladies and gentlemen. HeldDOWN~! returns in a moment.

[Chanel #99]

Meanwhile we're transported to the throne room, where the entire Cucaracha Kingdom is gathered, around the King and Queen of the OAOAST sat nobly in their royal seats.

MATTHEWS
King Landon, I'd like to get your comments about what we saw earlier, regarding the shift in power here in the OAOAST.

King Landon looks over to Rico, who nods.

KING LANDON
Proceed.

Matthews looks at Rico, confused.

MATTHEWS
Uh... that was kinda the whole question, already.

KING LANDON
I see. Well, Joshua, the way I see it, it really doesn't matter to me. You can always elect a new president, or install a new general manager. Powerful roles, they come and go. But there is only one King and Queen here in the OAOAST and that is I and Esther. I and Esther... me and Esther, whatever makes more sense... we are royalty in the OAOAST. So that means, above all over, we have the true power here and we rule over the OAOAST Kingdom like no-one else.

MATTHEWS
Actually, the preferred term is "OAOAST Galaxy".

QUEEN ESTHER
Ooh. The mystical yonder where stars live. How magical!

MATTHEWS
Well, it's just a marketing term...

KING LANDON
Quit wasting our time with your boobery, Joshua! We care not for it. Let's talk about something important. Like my King's ransom. Fifteen thousand of the Kingdom's riches, placed on the head of one Nathaniel Black. Fifteen thousand dollars to the man, woman or whatever else there is besides men and women who can get rid of Nathaniel Black for me. And tonight wasn't the night. Vinny Valentine wasn't the man. So be it. There are other men. Better men. Stronger men. Men who will do the Queen and the King proud and rid the OAOAST of Nathaniel Black forever. Mark my words.

King Landon shares a confident smile with his Queen.

MATTHEWS
And what about the other two men you've been having trouble with lately, The Last Kings Of Scotland?

QUEEN ESTHER
Ogres! Ogres and heathens! I don't want to hear the names of those brutes ever again!

KING LANDON
As you can see, that's a slightly sensitive subject. Made all the more sensitive by the fact that we had the chance to deal with them before now. And the Kingdom let their King down...

An accusing look summons James Blonde and Faqu, the former immediately dropping to his knees in front of the throne.

BLONDE
We're sorry. We messed up big time and we know we did. But we'll do anything to make it up to you Landon...

KING LANDON
King Landon.

BLONDE
Right, right, King Landon, of course, we apologise. We should have torn them apart, but they had their clubs and we couldn't risk getting back in their unarmed, you know. But we're sorry. Really really sorry. Please forgive us!

KING LANDON
You've got a beast as your partner and you're afraid of some spiky bits of wood? Not good enough. But that's okay. Because you've got the chance to make it up to me. And The Great Angle Bash, you and Faqu will face The Last Kings Of Scotland in a tag team match. And this time, I want you deal with them. Let them know exactly who they're dealing with when they confront the Kingdom. No more screw-ups. Understand?

BLONDE
(sounding unconfident)
Absolutely.

KING LANDON
Good. That should answer your questions, Joshua. Go spread the word to the towns people.

MATTHEWS
...the who?

KING LANDON
...just go and tell the Scots we're challenging them.

MATTHEWS
Oh.

Matthews scuttles off and the King shakes his head sadly.

KING LANDON
Fool.

[Chanel #99]

tomorrow,
only tomorrow

tomorrow,
only tomorrow
Sajo see you tomorrow

Sajo jon te i fe,
Ousmane ko ka bi fe ka bi
fe koniete ka le te sigi
Sajo jon te i fe malienw

The glorious and soul searing tenor of

join with even more glorious images of Abdullah Abir Nerdly speaking the message of the prophets to the citizens of various countries, as well as being flocked to by children and fawned over by women.

HOUSE OF WORSHIP
With your Inspirational Leader....Abdullah Abir Nerdly

Escorted by a bevy of beauties in belly dancer costumes, Abdullah walks a yellow brick road towards his House of Worship, a mellow Arabic chant playing overhead. Once at the podium Abdullah thanks his beauties with a simple gesture, a nod of the head, and they wander off backstage. Then a single beam of light shines down on the Spiritual One...

ABDULLAH
Brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters, I am back on the pulpit!

“PRAISE BE!”

ABDULLAH
They tried to censor me! They tried to keep me off the air! They tried to stop me from spreading the message of his holiness! But I will not be silenced! Brothers and sisters, I return from the very valleys of hell to the bring you the good word! I have walked through hell fire and brimstone to bring you the truth!

“PRAISE BE!”

ABDULLAH
And I will not be silenced! I will not be stopped! And I will be heard!

CONGRGATION MEMBER
Go on!

ABDULLAH
My children, there are dissenters among us.

“BOOOOOOOOOO!”

ABDULLAH
There are those in this world that think ill of me. And these same people call into question my credentials as a relegious leader. As if not having a direct line to god isn’t credential enough! But these people say I spread a message of negativity and not the good word. They say my commentary on Morgan was unfair and mean spirited. I say the truth is never meanspirited it simply is just. But I am a firm believer in hearing both sides of story, that is why I welcome my sister Morgan Nerdly to the house of worship.


MORGAN NERDLY walks onto stage, nervously chewing on her hair.

MORGAN
Uh, hi.

ABDULLAH
Morgan, why have you zapped me so many times in the past?

MORGAN
Because, you attacked Maggie. You…you…hurt her! I couldn’t let you do that.

ABDULLAH
And what has Maggie ever done for you? Please name a nice act she has committed to your benefit.

MORGAN
She….I…I don’t know, there’s been stuff.

ABDULLAH
What type of stuff, my child?

MORGAN
Stuff! And I’m not your child, I’m your sister. Unfortunately.

ABDULLAH
So you attack me, who has done nothing to harm you, for a sister that has done no good to you. Morgan how many times have you been hospitalized for your mental illnesses.

MORGAN
Why?

ABDULLAH
The people have a right to know. God has a right to know.

MORGAN
Um….five times.

ABDULLAH
And how do you think that makes you look to the world?

MORGAN
I…I…don’t know.

ABDULLAH
Crazy? Insane? Mad? Don’t you think the world has a reason to be scared of you if you’ve been hospitalized five times? Do you think people should want to befriend you? How can they trust someone who’s been locked away for suicidal and sociopathic thoughts? If the norm is to not be hospitalized, if the good thing is to never be in a mental institution, doesn’t your five times in one make you bad?

MORGAN
Don’t….don’t say that!

ABDULLAH
But, you know it must be true. If the normal and right thing is to be of sound mind and mental health, does your mental illness not mark you as bad? If god’s children are of sound health in all aspects, does your disease not mark you as one of satan’s servants?

MORGAN
What do you want from me?

ABDULLAH
I want the truth! I want these people to know who you really are. Tell them who Morgan Nerdly is!

MORGAN
I set our home on fire when I was seven. It was an accident but no one believed me. You remember that, don’t you? The way Maggie cried as her favorite teddy bear went up in flames. Or how our dog died of smoke inhalation. I loved that dog, and I killed it. Me. I spent half the summer of sixth grade in a straight jacket. You never came to visit me, no one did. But I don’t blame them. I’ve lived over half my life in various mental instiutions, diagnosed as a psychotic major depressant with paranoid delusions. I’ve never been on a date, not even with Leon, and I’ve never been kissed, not even by Leon. I’ve attempted suicide three times, and sometimes have controllable homicidal urges. That’s the story of Morgan Nerdly.

Morgan lowers her head and walks off stage past the stunned audience.

ABDULLAH
There walks a servant of Satan! She lives only to serve the dark lord. The blond haird devil is good for no more than that! She is a bad person! She is an evil child! She is a teenage terror and I wish she were DEAD!

Such comments bring a furious and shaking Morgan back onto the set.

ABDULLAH
Begone, sinner!

Rather than follow Abdullah’s bluntly stated instructions, Morgan streams across the set and spears him to the ground. While the congregation watches on in horrified amazement, Morgan batters her elder brother with punches.

COACH
Somebody help him!

Synth rushes to his spiritual councellor’s aid and pulls Morgan away by the hair!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

SYNTH
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Kill the child of the beast!

A group of Abdullah’s loyal followers flood the stage, their size dwarfing the tiny teenager. Morgan shakes in both fear and rage as they close in on her inch by inch.

MORGAN
Get away from me!

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Get her!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Morgan falls backwards, her eyes surveying the carnage and the jumbled mess bodies laid before her. The church goers boo her fiercely. Yet fearful of her powers, they make no move to attack her.

[Chanel #99]

The Wall by Kansas plays, and Reject leads his team of three to the ring.

COLE
And it's time for our main event here on HeldDOWN~!  The Deadly Alliance set to take on Chicks over Dicks and Mariachi!  Let's go to Michael Buffer!

BUFFER
The following is a six-man tag team contest, scheduled for one fall!  Making their way to the ring, at a total combined weight of 708 pounds...THE DEADLY ALLIANCE!  Led by the R-MAN from the Bronx...a former two-time Heavyweight champion of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECT!!!!!

*crowd boos*

BUFFER
The OAOAST Heartland champion...THHHHHUNDERKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!!!!!

*crowd boos*

BUFFER
And...SAAAAANDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNE THOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NND!!!!!

COLE
And Reject, on Syndicated, adding more fuel to the fire, delivering the Eulogy to Krista's daughter, Jade-Rodez Duncan, during a mixed tag match!

*A replay is shown of the end of the match, with Reject delivering the Eulogy to Jade and putting Melissa on top for the pin.*

The DA climbs into the ring, with Reject yapping at the fans while TK and Sandman prep themselves for action.  Alejandro by Lady Gaga hits, and the fans come to their feet as Mariachi's pink and yellow lights illuminate the arena.

BUFFER
Their opponents...first, from Cabo San Lucas, Mexico...MARRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIACHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIII!!!!!

COLE
Mariachi the first member of the opposition for the Deadly Alliance!  And we know who the other two are!

Mariachi slides into the ring, as Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend hits, sending the crowd into a frenzy.  Krista is revealed behind the exploding pryo, followed by Alix, who twirls into Krista's arms, then blows her kiss into the camera.

BUFFER
And from Los Angeles, CA...they are the OAOAST Tag Team champions of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN, ALIX MARIA SPEZIA...CHICKS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKS!!!!!

COD goes through their theatrics in the ring, then the referee calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

COLE
What a matchup we've got slated here for the main event of HeldDOWN~!

Mariachi waits to start, as the DA huddles up, and TK is the one to start.  TK and Mariachi circle the ring, and tie up.  TK easily backs Mariachi into the ropes, then delivers a right hand.  He sets up an Irish whip, but Mariachi reverses, and executes a leapfrog.  When TK comes back, he then ducks under two more leapfrogs from Krista and Alix!

COACH
Hey, there was no tag there!

COD then catches TK in a double hiptoss, then follow with a double elbowdrop and double kip-up!  They then whip Mariachi into Reject and Sandman, who were stepping into the ring, and Mariachi takes them down with a flying bodypress!  Krista, Alix, and Mariachi then deliver dropkicks to Sandman, Reject, and TK, respectively, sending them scurrying to the outside!

COLE
And the DA regrouping early here!

The DA talks things over on the outside, and TK slides back in, with Alix awaiting.

COLE
Reject saying "there's a long way to go", and he's right!

COACH
You betcha.

TK goes to the eyes of Alix, then hammers her on the back, and backs her into a corner.  Alix reverses an Irish whip across, but TK hops to the second turnbuckle.  He fakes a dive, causing Alix to drop to the mat, then turns around and jumps off, but Alix catches him with a fist to the midsection!

COLE
TK getting caught once again!

Alix backs into the ropes, and Reject grabs her by the hair, grabbing her attention long enough for TK to nail her from behind!  TK then tags Reject in.

COLE
Reject with the distraction from the outside, and the Deadly Alliance has turned the tide!

Reject scoops up Alix, and executes a backbreaker!  Cover...

1...



2...



Kickout!

Reject back Alix into the ropes, and tags in Sandman.  Sandman delivers forearm blows in the corner, then whips her into the ropes.  Alix slides underneath Sandman's legs, and hits him with a dropkick!  Sandman charges Alix, who catches him with a monkey flip!  Fortunately for him, he lands right in his corner, and Reject tags back in.

COLE
And now it's Reject and Alix, a preview of the Great Angle Bash, as COD defend the tag titles against Thunderkid and Reject!

Reject and Alix tie up, and Alix gets him in a side headlock.  Reject backs Alix into the ropes, then shoves her across.  Reject ducks down, then executes a leapfrog, then attempts a clothesline, which Alix ducks, then hits a clothesline, and covers...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Alix grabs another side headlock, and Reject shoves her across again, but this time Sandman drives a knee into her back!

COLE
Sandman with a cheap shot from the apron!

Reject covers...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Reject tags in TK, and the two whip Krista across, and deliver a double elbow!

COACH
There's your preview of the Bash right there, Cole!

TK stomps away for a bit, then tags Sandman, and the two lift Alix and drop her across the top rope!  Sandman covers...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Sandman delivers some BOOT SCRAPES~! to the face of Alix, then tags TK again.  TK whips Alix across, and catches her with a BICYCLE KICK~!

COLE
Big kick from TK!

Cover...

1...




2...




Kickout!

TK picks up Alix, who fights back with right hands!

COLE
And look at Alix fight back!  There's the heart of a champion!

TK grabs her in a front facelock, and backs her into the corner, where he tags Sandman back in.  Sandman steps in, and drives his shoulder into the midsection, then backs off, and charges, but Alix jumps up, and rolls over Sandman, catching him with a sunset flip!

1...





2...





Kickout!

Sandman takes Alix down and chokes until the referee gets to 4, then gets up and threatens to backhand him.  He then tags Reject back in, and goes over after Krista and Mariachi, tying up the referee.  TK steps in and grabs Alix in a hangman's hold, for Reject to deliver a roundhouse kick!

COLE
One of their patented double-team moves, behind the referee's back!

Reject covers...

1...




2...




Shoulder up!

Reject tags in TK, then whips Alix into the ropes, and TK catches her in an abdominal stretch!  Reject reaches through and grabs the hand of TK for added leverage.

COLE
Hey, come on, ref!

The referee comes around, but by that time Reject has let go of TK's hand.  So the referee goes back to check on Alix, and Reject sneaks his hand back through and grabs onto that of TK!  Once again the referee is too late to catch the chicanery, and goes back to Alix.  Next time, however, TK and Reject are caught red-handed, and TK's shock allows Alix to counter with a hiptoss!  She tries to follow with an elbowdrop, but TK rolls out of the way.    TK then whips Alix into the ropes, but puts his head down, and Alix grabs his hair and drives his head into the mat!

COLE
And now a chance for Alix to tag!

Alix and TK both scoot over to their corners, as Reject steps into the ring, then quickly steps out as Alix tags Krista!

COLE
Krista gets the tag!

However, the referee turns around and puts Krista out, not having seen the tag!

COACH
I didn't see a tag, Cole, I don't know what match you're watching.

COLE
I'm watching the same match as everyone else here, and everyone saw the tag except for you and the referee!

Sandman comes in while this is going on, and plants Alix with the ARCHANGEL'S WINGS~!!!!!11111  He covers, and the referee turns around...

1...










2...










NO!  Mariachi makes the save, at the last split second!

COLE
And Mariachi, saving the match for his team!  Alix looked to be done right there!

Sandman climbs to the top rope, and dives off for a splash, but Alix manages to get her knees up!

COLE
And now, Alix must tag!

Alix fortunately is right near her corner, and makes a couple scoots, allowing Krista to reach over and tag herself in!

COLE
And the referee saw that tag!

Krista unleashes a flurry on Sandman, then whips him into the ropes and catches him with a HEBREW HAMMER~!  She follows up with a BOOTY-SHAKING MOONSAULT~!  Cover...

1...









2...









Reject saves!

Krista knocks Reject to the mat with a clothesline, then TK sneaks up from behind and hits a LOW BLOW~!


...which has no affect, obv, as Krista hammers TK and the ring fills with all six combatants!  The Deadly Alliance members are all whipped into one another, as COD and TK/Reject battle to the floor!

COLE
And the tag champs doing battle with their challengers on the floor!

Reject slips out of a side headlock and shoves Krista into the ringpost, then slides back into the ring as Mariachi knocks Sandman to the outside with a spinning wheel kick, and drops him with a EULOGY~!!!!!11111

COACH
Nighty-night, Mariachi!

Cover...

1...









2...









3!!!

*DING DING DING*

COLE
And the Deadly Alliance gets the win!

BUFFER
The winners of the match...THE DEADLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN
NNNCE!!!!!

Fully satisfied with their victory, the DA backs up the entrance ramp with harsh words leveled at the good guys. The fans blast them with jeers which only brightens further inflames their anger.

THE DEADLY ALLIANCE


From the side of the entrance stage emerges a dump truck! Sitting in the driver’s seat, and jamming on the accelrator is Maya Duncan-Blanchard!  Fearful over being ran down and with no where else to retreat, the DA circles the squared circle before diving back into the ring for safety.

COACH
What in the hell! How can she drive a dump truck she’s barely old enough to ride a bike.

COLE
Stupid, Maya’s old enough to wrestle.

Maya drives as fast as the tight confines will allow, and eventually finds herself at the edge of the ring. As the audience roars their approval and delight, Krista, Alix, and Mariachi stare down the DA ready for a brawl.

COLE
Hell is about to break lose!

REJECT
Get them!

THUNDERKID
You get them!

SANDMAN
Do it, asshole!

Not waiting for any more protests out of TK, Reject SHOVES his longtime partner at Krista. This does the Heartland champion few favors as Krista backdrops him over the ropes, onto the hood of the dump truck!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

MAYA
I’m not paying for any dents!

Fearful but angry, Reject takes his own charge at Krista. Unfortunately he meets with the same horrific result as TK, and lands atop his partner.

MAYA
I guess its better than pigeon poop.

Sandman seems to have gotten the hint, and exits stage left! He runs through the crowd as Mariachi gives chase.

COLE
Smart man, that Sandman.

Krista exits through the ropes, and hops onto the hood of the truck. She picks Reject up by his heavily gelled hair and points to the actual dumpster. This earns grand cheers from the audience but furious cries of distress from Reject. These calls fall on deaf ears as Krista leads him to the roof of the truck. With one mighty heave she throws him into the repulsive pit of garbage!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the fans cheer as Reject becomes submerged in the debris.

TK is to his feet and is desperately looking for an escape. But Maya hinders this effort by blinding him with the windshield washer fluid!  This allows Alix to deposit him atop the roof into Krista’s waiting arms. Miss California gives him a playful slap on the cheek, before chucking him into the pool of refuse! TK sinks straight to the bottom, the garbage collapsing on top of him.

COLE
If you thought Reject and ThunderKid were trash, you now have a leg to stand on! What an embarrassment.

The girls celebrate with hugs and high fives as Maya wonders how the hell she’s supposed to back this monster up. Suddenly Alfdogg appears through the entrance doors.

ALFDOGG
Seeing as you all like to play in the trash so much, I’m going to do you a small favor. As of right now, the tag team title match at the Great Angle Bash...will be a DUMPSTER MATCH!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
Can you believe it? A dumpster match for the first time ever in OAOAST history!

FADE TO BLACK