OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 6/10/10

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

We focus on Sofa Central which is decorated in celebration of the Great Angle Bash with red, white and blue streamers and miniature American flags.

COLE
On a day where the World Cup begins, the world takes a break from footy and turns to HeldDOWN~!

COACH
Footy? Sounds like some kinda homo game you play with Mariachi!

COLE
I refuse to dignify your mean spirited jabs with a response. Folks, we have a heck of a mainevent tonight!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
OAO WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES
CHICKS OVER DICKS VS CITIZEN SOLDIERS
TONIGHT!


COLE
But we kick things off with Christian Wright!


Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don't think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
(Jesus Walks with me)
I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long


Through thick fog and roaming green and gold lights comes Christian Wright and The Money Honey Lorelei DeCenzo. The God Child spreads his arms and with a confident smirk welcomes in every boo, taunt and jeer the audience has to offer. All around him green and yellow pyro rises upwards to the ceiling. Lorelei, sexy in a strapless silver gown, hooks his arms between her’s and guides him down the entrance ramp.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of ten minutes! Now making his way to the ring, being accompanied by Lorelei DeCenzo, he resides in Washington DC, weighing in at approximately 8 and 1/3 bars of gold he is THE GOD CHILD CHRRRRRISSSSSSTIAAAAAAANNNNNN WRIIIIIIGHHHHHHTTTTTTTT!

Another round of boos goes up from the stands to meet Buffer’s announcement. The jeers don’t bother Wright in the slightest as he walks with his usual self satisfied smile.

BUFFER
And the opponent….from The Windy City….JUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBOOOOOOOO

Jumbo raises his arms to poliete applause from the audience, and raucous cheers from the few chubby chasers in attendance. CW enters the ring to receive a microphone.

WRIGHT
Saalaam my embonpoint friend!

JUMBO


LORELEI
Hello, fat ass.

JUMBO
Oh.

WRIGHT
If thou girth is equal to thou precocity then I feel you and I shall find ourselves in amity. As these televisual transmissions have shown, I drift in an endless sea of success. With gallant movement and commanding vigor I have bestowed new tenor to the term excellent.  Not even the bellicose huns of times past could conquer me for I am unsurpassable.

LORELEI
Simply put, Jumbo, you can’t defeat Christian. You’re going to lose and lose bad.

WRIGHT
I generously extend thy hand in noble kindship. Withdraw from this battle field for an exchange of currency and I shall not shed your blood.

LORELEI
Make the right choice, Jumbo.

Jumbo makes his choice, the choice of mowing down CW with a lariat!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

As Lorelei exits the ring, a vexed CW gets to his feet. He’s chased into the corner by Jumbo who unloads with wild left hands. Faced with a brutal pummeling, CW ducks between the ropes to gain a clean back. Jumbo gives it, but as Wright pulls himself back into the ring he begins hitting him with elbows. Wright staggers along the ropes, reaching out for help that’s not forthcoming.

COLE
I believe Christian Wright’s offer greatly offended Jumbo. The man has a lot of pride.

COACH
The man has a not lot of dumbassness, passing up money like he Donald Trump and got toilets made of gold or something.

Wright begins fighting back, winging right hands at Jumbo. But the portly brawler swats them away and shoves The God Child into the corner.  Jumbo backs to the center of the ring, and then charges forward with a body splash. But CW slides out the way. Jumbo stumbles to the center of the ring while CW catches a much needed breather. Once fully recovered, Wright jumps onto the big man’s back with a sleeper hold. This isn’t the wisest of ideas as Jumbo backs up into the corner and crashes The God Child into the ring posts.

COLE
All that weight just shoved Christian Wright into the corner and it had to hurt!

Wright is in a pain that only grows worse when Jumbo sends shoulder charges into his stomach. The God Child then grabs onto the ropes, hoping to secure a clean break. He doesn’t get it, but does get a brief reprieve as Jumbo throws him across the ring. The big man from Chicago then rushes after him and nails him with a body splash! Wright staggers out the corner, allowing Jumbo to go to the second rope.

COLE
Woah what’s Jumbo going to do?

Jumbo flies off the top rope with a cross body block! Thankfully for CW, he manages to slide beneath the incoming brute. Jumbo lands with incredible force that shakes the ring. Wright sighs in relief, fully aware the damage the body block could’ve done.

COACH
Told you that dude was dumb. An old lady in a wheel chair could’ve jumped faster than he could.

Wright scrapes Jumbo off the canvas and nails him with  a pair of European Uppercuts. Jumbo stumbles backwards, but Wright follows him and snaps him on arm wrench. He then elbows Jumbo’s arm, putting the big man in a great deal of pain. Jumbo manages to free his arm, but can’t protect himself from the onslaught as Wright’s loafers dropkick him in the arm. Jumbo stumbles back to the ropes, and Wright sniffs blood in the water. He strides forward with a lariat that’s aimed at knocking Jumbo over the top rope.  But portly brawler catches Wright’s midsection with  a kick and sends him staggering away. Jumbo pushes himself off the ropes in hopes of nailing CW with a lariat. But CW counters with an amazing snap powerslam on the big man.

COACH
Forget a child of god, this man is god! How do we take over a man that big?

The referee drops into position to count the pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

Jumbo throws Wright off of him. The giant then lumbers to his feet, where he’s struck by European Uppercuts from the DC native. Wright then hooks on a front facelock in setup for a DDT! But Jumbo lifts him up and runs forward to drive him into the corner. The air explodes from CW’s throat, as the audience cheers his pain. Jumbo fires himself up as he backs towards the center of the ring. He then charges forward only to find CW move out the way. Jumbo shakes the turnbuckles upon impact and roars in pain.

COLE
Jumbo could very well break the ring!

Jumbo turns around to be met with an overhand right from CW. Wright then grabs onto his arms and whips him into the ropes. But Jumbo returns with a lariat that throws The God Child to the canvas. Lorelei panics on the outside, having to watch CW clutch his now pained chest. Elsewhere Jumbo psyches himself up by beating his blubbery chest.

COLE
Jumbo is feeling it!

Jumbo grabs onto Wright’s slick hair and pulls him upright. He pastes him with several punches before pressing him over head. The audience cheers with glee as they watch Jumbo throw Wright forward and land him chest first on the canvas.

COLE
Could we see a huge upset here on HeldDOWN~! On a night where Chicks Over Dicks defend their tag team titles against Citizen Soldiers.

Wright fights to his feet, and is put under a wave of pressure from Jumbo’s mammoth hands. Jumbo then grabs hold of Wright and slams him to the canvas for a basic bodyslam. As Wright writhes in anguish, Jumbo heads to the ropes. Once he nears his opponent he leaps into the air for the XL Splash! But Wright rolls out the way and Jumbo vibrates the ring with his violent landing.

COLE
A big miss! Could that turn the tide of the contest?

Wright grabs hold of Jumbo’s gigantic legs and twists him over for the Wallstreet Cloverleaf. The pain is immediate and too much for Jumbo to bear, thus he quickly taps out. A wide smile breaks across Lorelei’s face as Wright releases the hold and bows to the hateful audience.

DING DING DING

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a submission…CHRISTIAN WRIIIIIIIGHTTTTTT!

Lorelei enters the ring with microphone in hand. She regards Jumbo with a look that reads “I told you so” before handing the mic to CW.

WRIGHT
From this day forth, I defiantly vow... no man, woman nor beast shall commit thine self to defeat!

Wright drops the microphone to take in the reaction to his latest claim of being unbeatable.

COACH
This guy is unstoppable, Mikey.  

COLE
I'm starting to become a convert. Can anyone in the OAOAST beat Christian Wright? Folks, we'll be back with more HeldDOWN~!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
OAO WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES
CHICKS OVER DICKS VS CITIZEN SOLDIERS
TONIGHT!


COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return from break with our view focused on sofa central.

COLE
Folks, I am very sorry to report to you that after a year absence the House Of Worship is seconds away from returning to your television set.

tomorrow,
only tomorrow

tomorrow,
only tomorrow
Sajo see you tomorrow

Sajo jon te i fe,
Ousmane ko ka bi fe ka bi
fe koniete ka le te sigi
Sajo jon te i fe malienw

The glorious and soul searing tenor of Salif Keita's Tomorrow join with even more glorious images of Abdullah Abir Nerdly speaking the message of the prophets to the citizens of various countries, as well as being flocked to by children and fawned over by women.

HOUSE OF WORSHIP
With your Inspirational Leader....Abdullah Abir Nerdly

With The Rockers, Quiz, and Holly along for the journey Abdullah walks a yellow brick pattern carpet to his custom-built set adorned with jewels and glossy wood of the finest caliber.

ABDULLAH
Brothers and sisters, let me give you the good word.

“PRAISE BE!”

ABDULLAH
Let give you the truth.

“PRAISE BE!”

ABDULLAH
Let me give you the scripture according to the prophets!

“PRAISE BE!”

ABDULLAH
Satan himself has used two of us! Human beings. But not just any human beings, my brothers and sisters. But my mother and father. Satan has used my mother and father to bring upon the wicked demon known simply as Morgan.  I will not mince words, my children.


THE FACE OF THE DEVIL: MORGAN NERDLY

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Go on and preach!

ABDULLAH
My sister Morgan is a tiny blond haired devil straight from the very pits of hell!  And we can only take comfort in knowing that the almighty above hates her as much as we do. God has told me, yes my children, he has told me, that he does not sleep but if he did Morgan would certainly haunt his dreams. God does not fear, but if he did, brothers and sisters, he would fear Morgan. If God were a being of violence and not one of love, he would strike Morgan dead because she is a tool of Satan! Praise be.

“PRAISE BE!”

ABDULLAH
Morgan Nerdly is not to be trusted! I know this firsthand, I speak from hard earned experience, my children. Yes, my children, yes!

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Tell it, Colonel Abdullah, tell it!

ABDULLAH
Oh I will, child, I will. I speak so that you may not suffer as I have. Morgan’s mental illness is her demonic spirit. Her depression and her psychotic behavior is the mark of the beast! Her self destructive suicidal tendencies set her apart from man and classify her as no better than Satan’s worst minion! This disease she has is the work of the devil, for if she were a child of god she would not have it. Some might feel sorry for my sister. I say spare her your sympathies! She is not one to be pitied, my children. She is not a sympathetic figure, nor is she a tragic one. She is nothing more than a hell sent monster that will destroy every one of you when she gets the chance. Beware, my children, beware!

"PRAISE BE!"

ABDULLAH
Be not fooled by her beauty either. Beware of it. Satan has wrapped the beast in the cloak of the gazelle. But, my children, you are not defenless against this monster! No! You have a sword with a tip as sharp as any weapon before it. You have me, and I will destroy this demonic fiend, all in the name of our lord. Satan’s beast shall not pass these gates! I will stand firm! I will defeat Morgan Nerdly! Praise be!

“PRAISE BE!”

Holly slides up to the pulpit with a scowl twisting her face.

HOLLY
Is it my (beep) turn to address the congregation?

CONGRAGATION MEMBER
Go on, sister!

HOLLY
(beep) you mother (beep) up your (beep) ass! You’re the reason I don’t have a god damn women’s title anymore. You know what? (beep) you, you rat bastards. All of you.

“PRAISE BE!”

HOLLY
Don’t praise be me, mother(beep). Where the (beep) was the loyal congragation when I was on the verge of losing? I ask you where the (Beep) were you bastards when Morgan ran interference. You dipshits weren’t anywhere! No one was there.  So (beep) you, and (beep) Maggie. That bitch thinks she’s getting away with my title? (beep) no. I’ve got my eyes locked on that belt. I’m coming back for it at Great Angle Bash. I’ll do whatever shit needs to be done to get it. If that means tossing her narrow little ass off the top of the cage, then that’s (beep) lovely. If it means grinding her pretty face into the steel than all the (beep) better. Like I said, whatever it (beep) takes. Peace out.

ABDULLAH
Blessing upon you all.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Folks, welcome back to OAOAST HeldDOWN as we prepare for the Great Angle Bash. Tonight a huge mainevent between Chicks Over Dicks and Citizen Soldiers for the one and only world tag team championship. Right now Tony Brannigan is with Tim Cash and Baron Windels. Tony?

Backstage Tony Brannigan is with Baron Windels and Tim Cash, Citizen Soldiers.

BRANNIGAN
Later tonight my guests will challenge Chicks Over Dicks for the One & Only World tag team championship. But I know that’s not the only thing on your mind, Baron Windels.

BARON
That’s right, Tony. I get my shot at Mr. Dick and the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title Sunday night, June 27 at the Great Angle Bash. You know, I thought Jock had seen the light after he got kicked out of the Deadly Alliance. And who was there to help him in his battle when nobody else wanted anything to do with him?

BRANNIGAN
You and Tim Cash.

BARON
Even after everything we had gone through in the past I still came to his defense, because that’s what friends are for. And Jock was more than a friend to me, he was like a brother. For him to stab me in the back was the ultimate slap in the face.

BRANNIGAN
Even worse than the time he, well, you know?

BARON
Even worse because he betrayed my trust. As far as I’m concerned, Jock is DEAD. I’m taking off the kiddy gloves at the Great Angle Bash and taking home the World Heavyweight Title.

Citizen Soldiers exit.

[Chanel #99]

To the sounds of "King Kong" by LA Symphony, the OAOAST's own savage beast Faqu emerges. Beating his chest, the Samoan holds his OAOAST 6-Man belt between his teeth like a piece of raw meat.

BUFFER
The following special challenge match is set for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by QUEEN ESTHER and JAMES BLONDE! From The Isle Of Samoa... weighing three hundred, thirty one pounds... he is one third of the OAOAST 6-Man Tag Team Champions... "THE SAMOAN WRECKING BALL"... FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAQQQUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

As Faqu approaches the ring, the Cucaracha Kingdom's Queen and Prince look on proudly. Also proud is King Landon, who we see watching on backstage from the comfort of his royal throne backstage, along with The Mardi Gras Hellfire Club.

COLE
It's the battle of the bulls tonight in Louisville. Faqu, the powerhouse of the Cucaracha Kingdom. But as of late, we've seen on more than one occasion, his dominance being tested by the brute force of Scottish Scott.

COACH
You've got two wild, crazy, wacked-out dudes. There's no telling what's gonna happen tonight.

Faqu stands stewing in the ring, being further riled up by James Blonde. As this is going on, "Mother" by Danzig hits, which is akin to the feeding bell for Faqu, who's eyes widen up. Stomping out from the back, Scottish Scott and Danny Boy come out, swinging their spiked clubs over their heads in preparation for a fight!

BUFFER
And accompanied by his tag team partner, DANNY BOY... from Glasgow, Scotland. Weighing two hundred, sixty eight pounds... one half of The Last Kings Of Scotland... SSSSCCOOOOOOTTIIIIISSSHHHHHHHH... SSSSSCCOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
The Last Kings Of Scotland, fresh off their success at School's Out in the Winner Stays On Match. And they, like Nathaniel Black, have their eyes set on the Kingdom and most of all, the head of the Kingdom, the King himself, Landon Maddix!

As the LKOS prepare to enter the ring the referee is quick to disallow the clubs, as well as the men at ringside. Danny and Blonde are ordered outside and the clubs stay with Danny, as Scottish Scott steps in and squares up to his Samoan opponent.

COLE
It's the irresistable force and the immovable object.

COACH
Huh? It's the bigass Samoan dude and the scary Scottish guy!

COLE
Not quite as eloquent, but okay.


*DINGDINGDING*

Scott and Faqu stand nose to nose in the centre of the ring, both breathing heavily and set to boil over.

COLE
This could be an explosion, right here!

After a few more seconds of growling and snorting, the two bulls suddenly break off and start slugging it out! Scott starts out holding his own, but Faqu's wild shots wear him down. And as Scott stops punching, Faqu steps back and fires off a throat thrust. Scott staggers back against the ropes and Faqu follows in, firing a kick to the ribs. Then a shot across the back.

DANNY BOY
C'MON LAD!

The shout of his partner seems to fire up Scott as he comes back off the ropes from an irish whip, flying at Faqu with a shoulder tackle!

COLE
There's a big collision! But Faqu is still up.

Having been sent back a few steps, Faqu comes back roaring and ranting at his Scottish opponent. Scottish Scott rants right back at him, before coming off the ropes with another shoulder tackle. This one doesn't put Faqu down either and the Samoan beats his chest defiantly.

COACH
You're gonna have to do more than that.

COLE
Scott isn't going to give up though. He's persistant.

Scott looks Faqu up and down, then rushes into the ropes again. Letting out a roar, Faqu swings a big clothesline and tries to swat him down. But Scott ducks, coming off the ropes again and delivering a flying shoulder tackle, enough to knock Faqu off his feet!!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
Woah!

COLE
And down goes the big bull!

COACH
You've gotta be kidding me!

On the outside, James Blonde pitches a fit, seeing his personal wrecking ball being taken off his feet. Faqu is right back up but looks shocked. Taking the fight to him, Scott delivers a clothesline, sending an off-balance Faqu through the ropes and to the arena floor with a thud!! Blonde rushes over to his partner's aid as Scottish Scott stands tall in the ring!

Backstage, King Landon and The Mardi Gras Hellfire Club look on, stunned.

COLE
Once again, Scottish Scott is taking the fight to Faqu like few others we've seen. No fear, no holding back. And Faqu looks shaken!

Blonde helps his Samoan buddy up, but is sent running for the hills when Scottish Scott leaves the ring. Grabbing Faqu by the head, Scott rams him face-first into the ring apron. Faqu is then thrown back inside, Scott determined to get the match won in the ring.

COLE
I think James Blonde is shaken too... he actually looks worried for his partner!

Hammering away, Scott clubs at the Samoan, wearing him down. The Scotsman then makes the mistake of going for a headbutt though and pays the price.

COACH
Ooh. Not smart.

Left feeling the effects himself, Scott is hit with a clothesline by the hard headed Faqu, who goes for the cover...


1...


2...


No!

Faqu gets up quickly and tries to put his head to further good use, but misses a diving headbutt. Scott moves out of the way and then comes off the ropes, this time throwing his full body-weight at Faqu with a CROSSBODY BLOCK!


1...


2...


NO!

COLE
Can you believe that? A flying body block from Scottish Scott, at 270 pounds!

Scott lines Faqu up and gives him a standing clothesline, barely budging Faqu but knocking the wind out of him. Off the ropes again, Scott runs right into Faqu this time, trapped and hit with a Belly To Belly Suplex!

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!"

Suddenly animated at ringside, Blonde urges Faqu to go up the ropes and put the Scotsman away. Nodding, Faqu listens and starts to make his way up onto the second rope. He lines Faqu up, then lets out a shriek as he straightens up and comes off with a Flying Headbutt!!

COACH
Welp, that oughta do it.

COLE
Just that quickly, Faqu may have stopped The Braveheart.

With Scott down and hurting, Danny Boy looks on concerned. Faqu stalks around his opponent, happy with his work. He lines Danny Boy up again, this time for a diving headbutt from the mat. Back up, Faqu drops the headbutt again. And then a third time. Scott is motionless and Faqu looks for the approval of Blonde, who gives him the big double thumbs up, along with the Queen.

COLE
And now it may just be playtime for Faqu.

Faqu leads Scott back to his feet and delivers a chop. Manhandling the big Scot, Faqu then hits a High Angle Back Suplex, dumping Scott on his neck! Cover...


1...


2...


Kickout!

Danny Boy shouts words of encouragement, but they do Scott little good as Faqu starts soccer kicking him. The referee tries to warn Faqu and gets yelled at in Samoan as a result.

COACH
I guess this goes to show you, you shouldn't read too much into certain things. Yeah, okay, Scottish Scott has taken the fight to Faqu a few times lately. But now he's in there, one on one and we're seeing just who the dominant force really is now.

Thrown into a corner, Scott is backed in and stomped down by the Samoan savage, with nowhere to go. Faqu places his bare foot across the throat and chokes Scott down into position, against the bottom rope, then retreats across the ring. Worried murmurs from the fans tell you, they know what's coming. And if Scott knows, he can do nothing about it, except sit and watch as Faqu's ass hurtle towards his face!!

FAQU
SAMOAAAAAA!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Faqu drags Scott out and covers again...


1...


2...


NO!

Faqu has another rant at the referee and has to be calmed down by Blonde.

COACH
The poor Queen looks a little flustered. You think they have people like Faqu where she comes from?

COLE
Cloud cuckoo land? Sure. I bet they have all sorts of crazy things there.

Picking Scott back up, Faqu delivers another headbutt. The headbutt rocks Scott on his heels and he falls into the corner, ready to be whipped across. But Scott hangs on.

COLE
Scott, refusing to go. Still some fight left in The Braveheart!

Faqu tries again, but again Scott won't budge, so Faqu starts slapping and kicking away to change that. A little more softened up, Scott is whipped this time. But as Faqu charges in, Scott manages to sidestep and Faqu runs himself into the turnbuckles!

"YYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

As Faqu stumbles back towards the middle, Scott is waiting and goes for a Powerslam!

COACH
Are you kidding me with this?

Scott gets Faqu up... but falls under the weight and gets trapped underneath!


1...


2...


NO!

COACH
He may be tough, but he ain't too smart. No wonder the King and Queen got rid of these stupid Scots.

Getting back up, Scott is struck with a clothesline that knocks him back into the corner, against the bottom turnbuckle. Faqu sees this and goes to shout out to Samoa again. But goes to the well once too often and finds nobody home, as Scott moves out of the way! Having hit the turnbuckles hard, Faqu is quickly hooked up by Scott, who DELIVERS a Vertical Suplex to the big Samoan!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
The power didn't run out on Scottish Scott this time! What a gigantic suplex!

Both men are down and the referee starts to count. Danny Boy leads the crowd in some vigorous stomping, to the irritation of Blonde and Queen Esther.

COACH
Quiet! You're upsetting the Queen!

COLE
Too bad.

COACH


Back up, Faqu and Scott wind up where they started, trading hard shots. Scott starts to get the better of it and boots Faqu in the gut, then knocks him down with a big clothesline! Another clothesline topples Faqu! And so does the third, to the despair of Blonde on the floor! Faqu is reeling now and he does an aimless 360, wandering around into a scoop... and a SLAM from Scottish Scott!!!!

COLE
GOT HIM THIS TIME!

COACH
AAH!

Scott pounds his chest and the crowd roar their approval.

COLE
We could be on the verge of a huge loss for the Kingdom, right here!

Waiting to finish Faqu off, Scott is ready. He gives Faqu another boot and hooks him up for the Jockhammer! Whether he could get Faqu up or not, we'll never know however, as suddenly James Blonde can allow no more and jumps into the ring to save his Samoan!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

*DINGDINGDING*

Almost as soon as Blonde has struck, he looks to his left and gets ploughed down by Danny Boy!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
There goes the Prince, but the damage has been done, no choice for the referee but to call for the bell.

Blonde hightails it as Faqu is left in the ring with the Last Kings Of Scotland. The Samoan beats his chest and takes a run at them, but they stand their ground and barge Faqu back! Linking arms, they then knock him not just back, but out of the ring with a double clothesline! Blonde is quick to latch onto his Samoan partner and prevent him from going back in for more, especially when Danny Boy retrieves one of the spiked clubs from ringside and starts winging it around, daring them to get back in and fight.

COLE
The Scots have cleared the ring and I don't think the Kingdom are in any rush to reclaim their territory!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled the winner of this match, as a result of a disqualification... SCOTTISH SSCCOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

"Mother" hits, but Scott isn't in the mood for celebrating, still daring Blonde and Faqu to return to battle. But they're certainly not heading back and with the Queen, they retreat, leaving the Scots to take a small measure of victory.

COLE
Not a banner day for the King and Queen. Scottish Scott may well have had Faqu beaten, if not for the involvement of James Blonde. But hopefully, we may get an answer somewhere in the future, if the Kingdom dare to find out.

[Chanel #99]

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
TAPED WEDNESDAY 5:00 AM

A set of dump trucks travels through a quiet, yet lavish neighborhood in Beverly Hills. Driving the lead van isn’t your typical sanitation worker. Rather its Reject, wearing a garbage man’s uniform. At his side sits ThunderKid and Sandman9000.

REJECT
Kid, you should grow a beard.

THUNDERKID
You think?

SANDMAN
Yeah, it would look good.

THUNDERKID
It takes to long for me to grow facial hair.

REJECT
Here’s what you do. Next time you go to take a piss, get a little on your hand, wipe it on your face-

THUNDERKID
What?

REJECT
I promise it will work.

SANDMAN
You just want him to rub piss on his face.

The three men share a good laugh as Reject pulls in front of the spacious mansion belonging to Krista Isadora Duncan.

REJECT
Here we are.

Reject picks up the CB radio.

REJECT
Every one get in position.

All dump trucks pull in with their rears facing Krista’s lawn.

REJECT
All in position?

DRIVER 1
Roger.

DRIVER 2
Roger.

DRIVER 3
Roger.

ROGER 4
Roger.

REJECT
Then lets proceed to raise some hell.

Suddenly the dumpster of each truck tilts backwards and a river of garbage flows freely onto Krista’s lawn. Reject hoots and hollers as debris washes ashore and quickly overwhelms the lush green landscape. TK and Sandman watch on in amazement, disbelieving what their eyes are telling them. Once each dump truck has emptied its content upon Krista’s once pristine lawn the Deadly Alliance trio disembarks from their truck to survey the chaos of filth.

REJECT
Behold! The Deadly Alliance masterpiece!

SANDMAN
Brings a tear to my eye, ‘Ject.

THUNDERKID
You don’t think we overdid it? Let sleeping dogs lie, that whole thing.

REJECT
Alix and Krista started a war, and in a war you’re either real or you aren’t. The Deadly Alliance is real.

FADE OUT

In the present day Krista and Alix stand in Josie’s office, towering over the General Manager who hides behind a stack of papers.

KRISTA
Now, I’ve had a lot of stuff dumped on my lawn, newspapers, dog poop, small Japanese children, a drunken Denise Richards, the president of Panama, the decleration of independnce, but if you discount a dvd copies of every Lindsay Lohan movie ever made, I’ve never ever had garbage dumped on my lawn. This angers me Josie. And I’m only talking in a clam and cool tone because I took some Jade’s Ritalin and I may be on the verge of an overdose. Unless you want a HeldDOWN~! Is ThunderKid memorial show and to hear lame “Heaven needed a Rejection lolololololololololol” jokes on message boards I suggest you better do something before we kill them.

JOSIE
Dumping garbage on your lawn is extreme but isn’t this a matter for the cops?

ALIX
In a logical world, totally! But this is the OAOAST! Where fish can talk, sheep can dance and Christian Wright can appear respectable! Nothing is logical!

JOSIE
What can I do though? I suppose I can find them.

KRISTA
No, no, no, we don’t want you to fine them.

ALIX
Unless the money goes to our “Pay Anne Hathaway to give us lapdances” fund. Then cool, fine them.

KRISTA
But if it doesn’t go to that noble cause, we want those two in the ring.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the fans in the arena react

KRISTA (looking around nervously)
Yikes! Where the hell did that come from? Anyway, we’re even willing to put our tag team titles on the line.

ALIX
As well as my collection of Potato Chips that look like famous Motown singers.

KRISTA
Yeah, I sort of fed those to that weird homeless guy that hangs out in front of my gym. His eyes give me this strange look of hunger and a desire to chop up my body and bury it underneath an overpass.

ALIX
Bummer.

JOSIE
You want Reject and ThunderKid? That’s a money making match! You’ve got them. At The Great Angle Bash it will be you against two time world champion Reject and three time Heartland Champion ThunderKid all for the tag team titles. That is if you can get past Citizen Soldiers.

COLE
And that match is next!

COMING UP NEXT
OAO TAG TEAM TITLES
CHICKS OVER DICKS VS CITIZEN SOLDIERS
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

* DING * DING * DING * DING *

BUFFER
This is your HeldDOWN main event! And  it’s for THE ONE & ONLY TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD! Are you ready?

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

BUFFER
Louisville, Kentucky, ARE… YOU… READY?

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BUFFER
Then for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world… Ladies and gentlemen… LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRRRUMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

“Citizen Soldier” by 3 Doors Down cues and Citizen Soldiers march ringside.  

BUFFER
First, the challengers… at a total combine weight of 485 pounds… TIM CASH and “THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER” BARON WINDELS… CITIZEN SOOOOLDIERS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BW and Cash salute the crowd, then go over strategy as “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne hits.  

BUFFER
And now, introducing the champions! From the City of Angels, the most beloved tag team in OAOAST history … ALIX MARIA SPEZIA, KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN… CHICKS OOOOVVVEEERRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKKSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Alix inexplicably cartwheels down the aisle, then swings inside onto the middle turnbuckle to pose.

COLE
(laughs)
Alix Maria Spezia is having a great time and we hope so are you this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

COACH
That girl ain’t right, Cole.

COLE
Don’t be such a grouch. Alix is just high on life.

COACH
Or just high.

Senior official Earl Hebner receives the tag titles and displays overhead for all to see.

* DINGDINGDING *

Cash and Krista get the nod for their respective teams as the bell sounds. Both come face to face and Cash extends his hand out to Krista, which she wrings and then executes a snap mare takeover, followed by THE GARVIN STOMP~!

COACH
Now that’s vintage.

Cash sits up and receives a LAST KISS GOOD NIGHT following a COD tag.  

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Alix snaps Cash over and performs a HANDSPRING STANDING MOONSAULT!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Cash reverses a whip and attempts a monkey flip, but Alix lands on her feet and delivers a hip toss.

Again.

And again.

Dropkick knocks Cash onto the apron, but when Alix goes to bring him back in the hard way he floats over and connects with a BACKBRAIN WHEELKICK that sends her outside. Without hesitation Cash runs the ropes and DIVES onto Alix!

COLE
To infinity and beyond!

COACH


COLE
Hey, Toy Story 3 opens in theaters next week.

Cash gingerly rolls Alix back in and delivers a MISSILE DROPKICK!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Citizen Soldiers tag, but not before Cash sends Alix for the ride. He drops down and BW drills her with THE BIG BOOT!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

BW looks to ram Alix into the top turnbuckle, but she puts on the brakes and sends him face-first instead. Krista tags in and quickly climbs onto the middle rope to hammer away on BW.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!!!

BW staggers out as Krista charges off the ropes… and crashes into BW’s ass!

COLE
Bite My Shiny Metal Ass~!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Cash receives the tag and performs a VICTORY ROLL!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Cash whips Krista into the ropes for a sleeper, but she shoves Cash off and leapfrogs him. He stops and turns and walks into an inverted atomic drop, then a super kick!

COACH
Cash is gonna have bad memories about Krista's Great California Adventure.

Krista slams Cash and follows up with THE BOOTY SHAKING MOONSAULT… BUT CASH GETS THE KNEES UP!!

KRISTA
:ohmy:

Both teams tag and BW catches Alix coming off the top, then feeds THE DEVIL’S ADDICTION!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

BW whips Alix into the ropes, then tries to leapfrog her, but he mistimes his jump and is accidentally HEADBUTTED IN THE GROIN!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

BW isn’t the only one hurting, so is Alix. She tags out and Krista wastes no time putting the boots to BW.

COLE
Krista taking it to Baron Windels, perhaps the next OAOAST World Champion. He’ll get his shot June 27 at the Great Angle Bash. And you can bet Krista will have a close eye on that one. You know she’d love to be champion again.  

COACH
Then it’s time for them to play OAOAST No Homo because that’s the only way they’ll ever hold the World title again.

BW ducks the Hebrew Hammer and unloads with Cowboy Bebop elbows, but when he attempts a clothesline Krista backdrops him over the top rope.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

As BW lies in a world of hurt on the arena floor, MR. DICK and MALAYSIA appear in the aisle way.

COLE
What are they doing here?

COACH
Sweet as watching the OAOAST in HD is, nothing beats seeing the OAOAST superstars live up close.

Though MD keeps a safe distance from the ring, COD and Cash rush over to BW just in case.

COLE
Ladies and gentlemen, we have to take our final break of the night. If the match ends during the break we’ll show you the conclusion on replay.

Quick! Grab a snack!
HeldDOWN~! Returns in a Moment

Alix places BW in a Boston Crab as we return from break.

COLE
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, there was no winner during the break, but Mr. Dick and Malaysia remain ringside.

COACH
And why not? They haven’t caused trouble.

COLE
Yet.

BW powers out of the Boston Crab and avoids multiple elbow drops by Alix. He wrings the arm and delivers a Cowboy Bebop elbow before firing her across, only to speared STRAIGHT OUT OF COMPTON!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

COD tag, then execute a double suplex.  

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

BW kicks out again. Following a snap mare Krista tucks BW’s head between her legs for THE PUSH UP FACEBUSTER… but BW counters with an ELECTRIC CHAIR DROP!

COLE
Oh, what power displayed by the Lone Star Gunslinger.

COACH
Krista’s not some 300 pounder, Cole. Although her ego probably weighs that much.  

Citizen Soldiers tag and Cash delivers a KNEEBREAKER into a BACK SUPLEX on Krista. After he dropkicks Alix off the apron Cash grapevines Krista’s legs for THE MIDWEST SLING!

COACH
If he turns her over we could have new champions, Cole.

Suddenly Malaysia hops on the apron.

COLE
Get her down from there, ref.

Senior official Earl Hebner orders Malaysia down but she refuses, prompting BW to confront her as Cash fully applies the Midwest Sling.

COACH
He’s got it locked on now, Cole.

While the ref tries to keep BW and Malaysia from coming to blows, MD slips inside and gives Cash THE ATM (Fameasser)!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MD places Krista on top of Cash, but she refuses his aid… and gets served a big FACIAL~! (discus punch)

COLE
What a dick!

With Krista out MD is able to drape her arm across Cash, then exits.

HEBNER


The count.

ONE!

TWO!

BW dives inside to breakup the count…

THREE!!!

…but is too late.

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
The winners of the match… and STILL your One & Only World tag team champions… CHICKS OOOOVVVEEERRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKKSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

MD cracks a smile onstage as BW burns a hole through him.

FADE TO BLACK