OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 5/27/10

[Chanel #99]

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-

We go straight to sofa central where Double C awaits to call the evening's action.

COLE
On a night where The Orange County Cobras are set to meet Mister Dick and Malaysia, we are on an explosive collission course towards Schools' Out!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
SNAKE BITTEN
MISTER DICK AND MALAYSIA VS THE ORANGE COUNTY COBRAS
TONIGHT


COLE
I'm Michael Cole joined as always by Da Coach and what a show we have in store for you tonight! And its going to be an explosive mainevent!

Hey, hey, you, you
I don't like your girlfriend!
No way, no way!
I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you
I could be your girlfriend!

“YEAAAAAAAAAA!”

Hey, hey, you, you!
I know that you like me!
No way, no way!
No, it's not a secret
Hey, hey, you, you!!
I want to be your girlfriend!


Entrance doors shred apart and Alix and Krista skip out arm and arm onto the entrance stage. Alix wears cut off jean shorts and an Abercrombie red and white stripped polo, while Krista wears jeans and a red and white plaid shirt.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, America’s Sweethearts, five time tag team champions and 2010 Anderson Cup champions….CHICKS OVER DIIIIICKKKSSSSSSS!

And great ovation comes from the stands as the girls flaunt their way down the entrance ramp. They enter the ring, and grab two sets of microphones.

KRISTA
Hi, America, can we rap? Can we chat? Can we gab? Can we communicate our hopes and dreams through modern dance and perhaps gather around the camp fire lather our naked bodies in mud and pray to the earth mother? Can we do that? Of course we can. Today’s topic of conversation on the Chicks Over Dicks show is Annoyingly awful Texans and the super sexy lesbians that hate them.

ALIX
We’re so talking about Mister Dick.

*boo*
“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
*boo*

KRISTA
Interesting. Let me test a theory that will revolutionize modern science. Leon Rodez.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ALIX
Pillsbury Doughboy.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

KRISTA
Toaster strudel.

“TOASTER STRUDEL! TOASTER STRUDEL! TOASTER STRUDEL!”

KRISTA
Sociology has been given a valuable glimpse into the human psyche. Thank you OAOAST Galaxy.

ALIX
But back to Jockie Mully. Apparently this dude thinks he’s a bad ass or something. I’m sorry but running around in silver glittery booty shorts, a silver cowboy hat, and enough toilet tissue stuffed in your tights to wipe Big Foot’s ass does not make you a bad ass. Unless you’re only trynna intimidate the Village People, and even then the Indian could give ya a run for your money!

KRISTA
Jock, would you like to see a bad ass? These are bad asses....

KRISTA


ALIX


CROWD


KRISTA
I suppose we could end the promo on that high note, but we have ratings we need to crash into the toilet! Mister, I’m not a violent woman by nature, I’m caring, tender, warm hearted soul with a love for all people, especially republicans. But I have never, ever, ever wanted to whup a man’s ass as much as I do your’s, Mister.  By the way, honey, I’m calling you just Mister, because as far as I can tell you don’t have a dick on you.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!”

KRISTA
Honey, I don’t credit you for having a lot of intelligence; you make TMZ look like Masterpiece theatre. But you must be stupider than a blind chimp with George W’s brain to think that attacking Alix like you did was a good idea.  As far as I’m concerned the smartest thing you’ve ever done was Baron Windells.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!”

KRISTA
Because I was gonna let you slide with your token ten page humiliation 5,000 word humiliation, but after you attacked Alix, I’m gonna be sure to embarrass you, your partner, your family, your woman, your first grade teacher, your priest, and even your Gynecologist because like I said you have no dick.   Well, I’m finished. Alix, ramble pointlessly for a bit and sink what little respect mainstream societey has remaining for this show.

ALIX
A lot of dudes might say I’m kinda bitter right now because Jockie attacked me last week. No way no how, dudes! My grandfather once said losing a fight builds character.

KRISTA
Didn’t he once shoot your uncle Juan after Juan one punched him after a rigged cockfight?

ALIX
Yeah, sooooooooo I’m not really sure what his message was supposed to be. But I do know that I live with Hepatits G.

KRISTA
There’s no such thing.

ALIX
And I beat testicular cancer.

KRISTA
A biological impossibility.

ALIX
And if I can survive an assisnation attempt by John Wilkes Booth.

KRISTA
I won’t even touch that one.

ALIX
I can survive anything Mister Dick throws at me! Because I’m the real bad ass! I’ve not held the elevator doors when I saw someone coming, I haven’t held open doors for old ladies, I removed the do not remove tag from my mattress, I’ve used the handicap stall in an empty restroom, I’ve sent two text messages during a movie, I’ve even considered ignoring the warning at the Sunoco convience store and bought tobacco for minors. I’d like to see you not signal when making a right turn on red, Mister Dick. If that is your real name. And it isn’t, so neiner neiner boo boo stick your tongue in doo doo! Jock, the clock is ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock. Not on your tag title reign its just my burrito is cooking backstage and I’d really like to go back and eat it! As for your tag title run? Sorry, dude, but you’ve got three days to enjoy the belts you never should’ve won in the first place. After that BOOOOOOOOOOOM it all comes crashing down. We now go to Krista Isadora Duncan for a local sports update.

KRISTA
Now, Baron Windells, aside from the fact that you have a penis, you’re white, you’re probably Protestant, you’re from Texas, you’re probably a Spurs fan, and your name reminds Alix of the Red Baron and that makes her conclude that you’re a daring World War I fighter pilot that operates a plane that is actually a red dog house, you are a fairly decent gentleman. So I suppose that’s what Auntie Krista is bringing you an early Hanukkah gift  and offering you an out for our little tag title match at School’s Out. Unless you just like to look at a grown man grabbing his crotch, spitting, and dancing in weird sparkly tights, then you probably should just hang backstage and contemplate why the vast majority of the roster is allowed to not only waste the company’s money, but also waste the earth’s precious oxygen.  We don’t have a problem with you, Baron, but if you show up to School’s Out, bad things will happen.  What type of bad things? Oh how about the US warning North Korea over torpedoing a South Korean warship? Already happened, you say? What about a volcano exploding over Europe causing immense chaos and travel delays? Also already happened?  What about a gigantic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Happened already to? Well, I’m out of current events, so Baron Windells, the simple fact of the matter is, you should probably stay out the way while Chicks Over Dicks go over a dick.

“HERE I AM AGAIN I’M THE MOTHERFUCKER OF THE YEAR!”

*boo*
“YEAAAAAAAAAA!”
*boo*

OAOAST World Champion Mr. Dick enters the picture along with Malaysia and Baron Windels, who pleads with MD to turn back around.

MISTER DICK
(to BW)
Don’t worry. I promise not to get physical. I wouldn’t waste any energy on these California dykes in the first place.
(to COD)
Krista it’s a shame none of your mother’s beauty and class rubbed off on ya, because you got the mouth of a drunk sailor and the face of a dead horse!

This comment obviously enrages Krista, and she has to be held back by Alix.

MISTER DICK
Now listen ya dumb broads, you think you’re real funny out here crackin’ wise and trynna make a fool of me. But to say I ain’t a bad ass? That’s just damn stupid as all get out. Ask that poor mouthed boy Reject if I ain’t a bad ass. He ain’t even had the balls to show his face after I took him to the woodshed at Anglemania! Ask Ned Blanchard or Simon Singleton if I ain’t a bad ass. Hell ask my own partner, I’ve whupped him without mercy or respect up and down the country for the better part of a year.

Baron bristles at the comment but choses to stay silent.

MISTER DICK
Is BW gonna listen to ya’ll two bimbos and stay away from School’s Out? Hell no! He may be soft as wet burger buns sometimes, but he ain’t no coward, and he ain’t no fool. He knows if he don’t show up to lay a Texas beating on ya’ll two he’s gonna have to answer to the Human Hard On. And ain’t nobody wanna answer to the underside of Jock Mulligan’s boot.

Baron starts to speak but Mister Dick cuts him off before he can even get out a syllable.


MISTER DICK
And you can talk all you want about regaining the tag titles, but the reality is you're just gonna wind up like every chick that's crossed my path... flat on your back with me on top! *laughs* But ya see, unlike the chicks that have come before you, you ain't gonna experience any pleasure from our little rendezvous, although you will go home sore after being pounded by this stallion.

KRISTA
Stallion? Oh, because you're hung like a horse, right? Cute, honey. But I’m pleasantly surprised to see you in such a good mood given the decision that came down earlier today.

MISTER DICK
What decision?

ALIX
Oh, you didn’t know? Maybe your ass should’ve called somebody, like Baron, because Malaysia’s been barred from ringside for the tag title match at School’s Out!

MISTER DICK


MALAYSIA


MISTER DICK
Says who?!?

KRISTA
Nancy Pelosi. Who the hell do you think? The OAOAST.

MISTER DICK
This is bullshit! Ain’t that right BW? We gotta file protest ASAP.

BARON
I know Malaysia’s your girl and all, Jock, but after the controversy from our last match with COD it’s probably the right thing. It’d be one less distraction for everybody and this time there wouldn’t be any doubt the better team won.

MISTER DICK
Is that what Cash told you? Because that’s a very Tim Cash thing to say.

BARON
That’s my opinion, although he’d probably agree.

MISTER DICK
Well you know what they say about opinions, don’t ya? They’re like assholes. Everybody’s got one. And you know what I do to assholes. Krista, Alix, have your fun now. It’s gonna be a whole different story this Sunday at School’s Out.

COLE
Folks, we will see Mister Dick and Malaysia in action later tonight! Stay tuned for more HeldDOWN~!

THIS SUNDAY
SCHOOL'S OUT
LIVE FROM KANSAS CITY
BROUGHT TO YOU BY ALICE IN WONDERLAND ON DVD

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return from break and the lights go out and "Rock Your Baby" strikes up on the jukebox, to bring out a disco dancing Vinny Valentine!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, this next contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Brooklyn, New York... weighing two hundred, twenty eight pounds. He is "THE DISCO DUCK"... VVVVIIIIIIIINNYYYYYYY VVVVAAAAALLLLLEEEEEENNTTIIIIIINNEEEEEE!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Vinny grooves his way through the hazy dry-ice and to the ring, over which a disco ball lowers from the ceiling. And Vinny proceeds to make the ring his very own dancefloor.

COLE
The 70s live on in Des Moines and in the heart of Vinny Valentine. He's set for singles competition, here tonight on HeldDOWN~!

The disco dies down, replaced by the much higher tempo of Rise Against's "Like The Angel". Rushing out through the entrance, one half of The Christ Air Express, MARV, comes out full of energy and exchanges thumbs up with geek sister Melody Nerdly before jogging down the aisle tagging hands.

BUFFER
And, weighing in at one hundred and eighty-five pounds. Accompanied by MELODY NERDLY, he is one half of the CHRIST AIR EXPRESS... MMMAAAAAARRRRRRRRVVVVVVV!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

MARV slides into the ring and jumps to the turnbuckles, firing up the crowd.

COLE
And MARV looking ready to go here tonight! Accompanied of course by sister Melody, who's been responsible for the transformation of Biff Atlas from super-loser to superhero as of late. A transformation which Vinny Valentine certainly isn't a fan of. Now, he has no-one to look better by comparison with.

COACH
First of all, he has Tony Tourettes, who would make anyone look respectable. And second, it's not about that. Vinny just realises that someone playing superhero is STUPID.

COLE
Stupider than liking disco in 2010?


*DINGDINGDING*

Vinny walks around the ring and decides to antagonise the booing crowd even more by disco dancing!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

A big thumbs down from Melody for those moves, as Vinny and MARV tie up. MARV grabs a side headlock, but gets shot off and knocked down with a shoulder tackle. Vinny V celebrates with a little shucking and jiving. But MARV suddenly kips up and pulls him down with an armdrag.

COLE
Hey Vinny, how about maybe a little less dancing and a little more paying attention?

COACH
Less dancing? Are you crazy!

MARV backs Vinny up against the ropes and goes for an irish whip, but gets reversed by the New Yorker. As Vinny sets himself, MARV surprises him with a baseball slide. Going through the legs MARV grabs onto Vinny's ankles on the way and trips him up, sending Vinny down face-first. MARV then jumps back up and comes off the ropes with a sliding dropkick. Cover...


1...


2...


No!

Firing away with some forearms, MARV turns and hits the ropes, but Vinny cuts him off with a knee.

COLE
Vinny looks a little out of puff. MARV giving him the run around a little.

Grabbing MARV by top and tails Vinny hurls him out through the ropes and decides to signal for a tactical timeout. Unfortunately, this is wrestling. And also, MARV doesn't go out of the ring. With Vinny taking a breather, MARV pulls himself back in and runs up behind Vinny with a rolling prawn hold, pinning him down...


1...


2...


NO!

Vinny rolls to the ropes, where MARV runs at him again... only to get caught with a HOTSHOT!

COLE
Ooh, but Vinny doesn't need to be too quick to pull off a move like that.

COACH
It's like the tortoise and the hare. Except the tortoise's shell is a disco ball.

Snapmaring MARV over, Vinny delivers a kneedrop and hooks a leg...


1...


2...


No!

Vinny slaps on a rear chinlock and smiles from ear to ear, with things going his way.

"LET'S GO MARV!"
"LET'S GO MARV!"
"LET'S GO MARV!"
"LET'S GO MARV!"

With Melody rallying the crowd from the outside MARV fights back to his feet. He fires back with an elbow. A second. And a third, breaking free. MARV quickly hits the ropes looking to pick the pace back up. But Vinny catches him, throwing MARV up in the air and kicking him in the ribs on the way down! With MARV doubled up, Vinny then follows up with a swinging neckbreaker! Cover...


1...


2...


NO!

Vinny doesn't seem too concerned as he gets back up. A strut in his step, Vinny looks over to Melody and gives her a WINK!

COACH
Oh, baby, you have got the disco daddy feelin' gooood!

Oblivious to the disgust that his wink has drawn out of Melody, The Disco Duck goes back after MARV. Alternating between forearms smashes and elbows to the neck, Vinny wears MARV down to one knee. Vinny finds time for a quick dance, then delivers a snap suplex. Instead of going for a cover though, Vinny turns his attentions back to Melody. This time, not just with a wink, but BLOWING HER A KISS!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
Vinny V is putting his funky moves on Melody!

COLE
And I don't think Melody is too impressed. Unfortunately, real life doesn't have an Ignore function.

Vinny encourages the object of his affection to "keep watching, foxy lady" as he picks MARV back up. Setting up for another suplex, Vinny stops and eyes up Melody while he busts out a HIP SWIVEL!!

MELODY
Vomit smiley.

As Vinny goes to complete his suplex though, it's MARV's hips who are swivelling, out of the hold. Landing on his feet, MARV leaps up and cracks Vinny with an Enziguri!!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

A dazed Vinny falls against the turnbuckles, seeing stars. Or perhaps disco balls. MARV quickly gets himself a run-up and goes for a monkey flip out of the corner... but gets caught! Vinny turns MARV and sits him on the top turnbuckle. A right hand is blocked though and Vinny gets another kick across the ear to leave him wobbling again. MARV then hooks him up and delivers Diamond Dust out of the corner!!

COLE
That might do it right there!

Cover by MARV...


1...


2...


SHOULDER UP!

COACH
Vinny V is out to impress, baby!

MARV waits for Vinny to get back up, with Melody waiting to see what happens when he does. Hopefully something painful.

COLE
MARV setting up Vinny here, could be looking to ride that halfpipe for the Acid Drop.

COACH
....

COLE
You see, because they used to be the Sk8ter Bo... nevermind.

Boot to the gut sets Vinny up, MARV climbing the turnbuckles... and getting flipped over and away by Vinny, who then catches MARV with a mule kick. Up to the middle rope, Vinny drops a quick double sledge to the back of the head, then calls for the finish.

COACH
Party's over. But save the last dance for Melody, baby!

Valentine lifts MARV up onto his shoulders for the Night Fever, but MARV slips free and rolls him up with a sunset flip...


1...


2...


NO!

Both men roll back to their feet and Vinny misses wild with a clothesline, leaving himself open for a neckbreaker!

COLE
Melody looks concerned for Vinny. She's concerned that he's still conscious. Which sorta counts.

MARV quickly waves the referee out of his way, wanting to use the turnbuckles. He runs up the ropes to the top turnbuckle, throwing up some RAWK~! as he prepares to fling himself backwards with the Reverse Diving Headbutt... but Vinny rolls out of the way!!

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Nobody home for MARV, who's head bounced violently off the mat!

COACH
Melody better be worried about her brother being conscious now.

Holding the back of his head, MARV is dragged back up by Vinny. The Disco Duck quickly puts MARV back up on his shoulders and gives him a disco twirl, before whiplashing him into the mat with the Night Fever!!

COACH
Night Fever, Night Fever, Vinny and Melody gonna do it! Oh yeah~!

Folding him up, Vinny holds MARV down while making kissy faces at Melody...


1...



2...



3!!!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

BUFFER
Here is your winner... "THE DISCO DUCK" VVVVVIIIIIIIINNYYYY VVVVAAALLLEEEENNTTIIIINNEEEE!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Vinny looks mighty pleased with himself and celebrates his win with another dance, which Melody fails to be impressed by as she looks on.

COACH
Who's up for a slow dance under the spotlight?

COLE
I don't think Melody would be satisfied unless Vinny was under hospital lights, quite frankly.

As he leaves, Vinny makes sure to let Melody know she's always in his heart, enough to creep anyone out. Melody checks on MARV while trying not to be sick in her mouth too much.

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Folks, last week Shayne was asked out on a date by Lorelei, which he reluctantly accepted. Here are the results....

TAPED EARLIER TODAY

If there’s a fancy resturant in Des Moines I’d be surprised! But in our little world there is and that’s where we find a suit clad….


SHAYNE BRAVE

SHAYNE
Don’t tell her you sleep on your brother’s couch, don’t tell her you sleep with rats, don’t tell her you sometimes forget to wear a deodrant, don’t tell her you buy old Ghostbusters toys and have a figure wrestling fed with them.

After several seconds of nervous fidgeting Shayne’s date….


LORELEI DECENZO arrives. She takes a seat across from Shayne, who eyes her awkwardly.

LORELEI
Hey, sugar.

SHAYNE
I’m not wearing deodorant! Damn it!

LORELEI
I like the musty smell of a real man.

SHAYNE
You do? Well, that’s me. A  real man. A man’s man. A real man’s man. Yep. Yes sir.

LORELEI
Do I make you nervous?

SHAYNE
Um, no. Why?

LORELEI
You’re sweating so much.

SHAYNE
Sorry!

LORELEI
I think sweat is sexy.  Very sexy. Do you know what else I think is sexy?

SHAYNE
Mickey Mouse?

LORELEI
Noooooooooo. You. You’re sexy and you don’t even know it.  That shy, awkward personality of your’s just drives me wild. The hottest thing is that you don’t even do it on purpose, you just do it. And you’ve got such a stunning face. How do you keep the girls off you?

SHAYNE
Maya threatens them with a pointy stick.

LORELEI
Maya, eh. Why do you tolerate that insufferable brat?

SHAYNE
She’s my friend.

LORELEI
But surely you could do more without a fourteen year old and an eighteen year old guiding your career. What do they truly know about Shayne Brave? What do you they even know about how great you are. Or how sexy you are. Do they tell you that? Do they tell you you’re sexy?

SHAYNE
Ummmm…..no.

LORELEI
They should. But I guess they don’t appreciate you, the way that I do. They don’t see the raw unadulatered animal beauty of Shayne Brave.

SHAYNE
Animal beauty? I sleep with rats! On my brother’s couch! Crap!

LORELEI
You’re funny to, sugar, I like that in a man.  Tell me a joke.

SHAYNE
A joke? A joke, a joke, a joke. Okay. Why couldn’t the child go see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arggghhhh!

LORELEI
How are you not married, yet?

SHAYNE
The aforementioned sleeping with rodents hurts my cause.

LORELEI
I don’t care if you sleep with splinter from the Ninja Turtles, you’re still sexy. I want you. Now. Come with me.

SHAYNE
To where?

LORELEI
To have sex.

SHAYNE


Lorelei grabs Shayne by the arm and whisks him away. They quickly run towards the men’s bathroom, but when Lorelei barges through the door, Shayne finds


THE ENTERPRISE

WRIGHT
Greetings, friend, I fear this one intrusion you may yet not survive.

SHAYNE
You guys!

SPENCER (in a mocking tone)
Dur dur dur…you guys!

MONEYMAKER
That’s putting it kindly, Mister Wright. You stole something from me last week. You stole my money, you stole my pride, and you stole MY GOD DAMN MONEY! That as you can imagine is just a wee bit unacceptable. I’d like to let it slide with a warning, or maybe a tap on the wrist at best. But I have standards and principles to uphold. The world works through crime and punishment. A crime is committed. Punishment is doled out. If one is given without the other, the world spirals into chaos. And we don’t want that.

SHAYNE
What’s my punishment?

CMJ
Trapped in a room for thirty hours with Alix.

SPENCER
And she’s not naked.

MONEYMAKER
I’m afraid your punishment is not so merciful. Gentlemen, if you will.

At that the wolves descend upon Shayne, stomping him to the ground. They batter and attack him with their boots, as he attempts to cover up. Reiger picks him off the ground and throws him into a hand dryer. But Shayne fights back, warding off both CMJ and Wright. However, Moneymaker clubs in the back and Reiger slams his face against the sink!

MONEYMAKER
Put this bastard in the toilet!

CMJ is happy to oblige and grabs Shayne away from the faucet. Using him as a battering ram, he runs through the stall doors. With Wright’s help,  he succeeds in shoving Shayne’s bloodied face into the toilet.

MONEYMAKER
Never, ever, screw with my money! You got that?!

The Enterprise laughs and files out the doorway, pleased over a job well done.

REIGER
Somebody give a courtesy flush!

We return to Sofa Central where we hear the booing of the audience.

COLE
Folks, I’m as disturbed as you are by what I just saw. An innocent date turned into a brutal mugging.

COACH
Shayne should’ve known better!

COLE
There was no call for what happened. Regardless Shayne will be able to get his revenge this Sunday at School’s Out when D*LUX and Jade Rodez-Duncan face Lorelei DeCenzo, Christian Wright, and Theodore Moneymaker. That’s live from Kansas City on School’s Out!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Coming back from break “Khyber Pass” brings its Arab Rock power to the arena as Quiz storms to the ring, accompanied by Synth Abdul Jabbar. Seriously that’s all that happens. Quiz has a pretty simple entrance, dudes.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of ten minutes! Now making his way to the ring from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, he is accompanied by Synth Abdul-Jabbar he is…..QUUUUIZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Upon entering the ring, Quiz throws a big boot towards the camera. This understandably shocks the cameraman and our picture jars and shakes as a result of his fright. Synth finds this hilarious and openly mocks the ordeal of the poor cameraperson.

The audience claps their hands and gets in a festive mood as Skills by Beatbullyz brings J-MAX to the OAOAST forefront. The Birmingham Bad Boy claps his hands and then throws his arms up towards a receptive audience.

BUFFER
And the opponent from Birmingham, England, he is THE BIRMINGHAM BAD BOY……..J-MAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXX!

J-MAX wows the sold out audience by leaping into the ring with a springboard moonsault and even more impressively coming down onto his feet

COLE
J-MAX’s new found friend and partner, not partner in that sense, Mariachi will face this gigantic Canadian Quiz at School’s Out this Sunday live from Kansas City

DING DING DING

Quiz wastes no time in making his presence felt, slugging J-MAX in the jaw.  This pushes J-MAX back several inches, but does not take the fight out him as he comes back with several hard kicks to Quiz’s leg.

COLE
Great opening strategy by J-MAX, take out the legs of the much bigger Calgary native.

J-MAX attempts an irish whip, but Quiz reverses it and sends the Brit into the corner. Avoiding a crash into the ring posts, J-MAX elevates himself onto the top rope and moonsaults over the charging big man. As Quiz smashes into the turnbuckles, J-MAX pushes himself off the ropes.  Coming back to Quiz he leaps into the air and upends him with a hurricanrana!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
Look at the height on that move by J-MAX! This British born superstar can get some serious air.

COACH
Quiz is gonna have to figure out how do with J-MAX’s speed if he wants to win this match. And he’s gotta use that strategy when he faces Mariachi at School’s Out.

Quiz rolls to his feet and throws a side elbow at J-MAX. The Brit ducks the blow and comes up behind Quiz and hits a rolling koppo kick that staggers the big Canadian.

COLE
The history between J-MAX and The Heavenly Rockers is well documented. The group waged such a brutal mental war against him that he was forced to don a mask and change his name to regain his self respect. I think the change has been for the best, however.

J-MAX grabs onto Quiz’s arm and shoots him into the corner. He points to his prone foe and nods before charging forward with a body splash! But Quiz slides out the way at the last possible moment. Thankfully, J-MAX is able to land with his feet on the second rope. However, his luck runs out there as Quiz shoves him off the ropes, sending him crashing to the outside.

COLE
Oh my!

Things go from bad to worse for J-MAX as Synth Abdul-Jabbar rushes over to punt him in the stomach! The fans and referee Charles Robinson deride Synth as he lays stomps into J-MAX’s back. Finally Synth grows tired of beating on the Brit and dumps him back into the squared circle.  Back inside the ring, J-MAX is immediately pounced on by Quiz who brings him to his feet and terrorizes him with knee strikes. He then hooks him into a butterfly position and suplexes him backwards, causing a great deal of pain to the masked man.  Quiz then makes the first pinfall attempt of the contest…

ONE!


TWO!


J-MAX with the kickout!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
It would be a huge momentum builder for Quiz if he were to go into School’s Out with a victory.

COACH
Can you imagine a mountain like Quiz losing to a pint sized masked geek like J-MAX? Ain’t gonna happen? The big man’s got this match.

J-MAX attempts to struggle to his feet, but is caught inside a body lock by the large Canadian.  Quiz plants his knees into J-MAX’s back, adding more anguish to an already terrible position. But J-MAX calls upon the strength of the audience to fight his way to his feet. He violently stomps on Quiz’s boots, and what starts as merely annoying attacks become painful enough to free J-MAX.  But Quiz hits an open handed hook to J-MAX’s face that staggers him and allows him to be whipped into the corner. Quiz then darts forward and plants his blue boot into J-MAX’s masked face, snapping the Brimingham Bad Boy’s head back like a tether.

COACH
Damn was that some kick!

J-MAX stumbles towards the center of the ring where Quiz sizes him up.  Once he pinpoints his target Quiz steps forward and floors his foe with a thrust kick to the chest. After reaching through the ropes to give Synth a high five, Quiz takes to the ropes and returns with a head drop! J-MAX convulses in pain from the attack, but is held still by Quiz’s pin effort…

ONE!


TWO!


Kickout!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The fans cheers are short lived as Quiz locks J-MAX into a scissors sleeper hold. Their fear instantly turn to J-MAX’s safety and they urge him to fight towards his freedom.

COACH
This could put J-MAX away, Mikey!


But SuperJay isn’t willing to lay down and die and he begins firing elbows against Quiz’s head. The blows quickly begin to do their damage and they change the scissors sleeper into just a regular sleeper. Soon enough, both competitors are on their feet with J-MAX nearing his freedom. He gets it, but only due to Quiz breaking his hold to club him in the back.  Quiz then throws him into the corner and follows with a running elbow. But J-MAX moves out the way, and Quiz collides with the ring posts!  The pain doesn’t even have a moment to register before he’s thrown head over heels by an inverted hurricanarana!

COLE
That’s the way!

Furious, Quiz hastily comes to his feet. But he’s struck in the face by a jumping knee kick from his smaller foe.  He points to the top rope, which gets the fans on their feet as Synth urges Quiz to come to his. In one quick leap, J-MAX is atop the turnbuckles. But Synth is atop the ring apron and making a bee line for his position! Thus J-MAX acts quickly and wipes out Synth with a 450 kneedrop!

COLE
Nothing but kneedrop!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The fans continue their celebration as J-MAX returns back to the top rope. He rallies them with a fist twirl then comes off with a Blaze Out 630 onto Quiz!

COLE
Oh my god what a move! Did you see that? Did you see that?

J-MAX makes what should be an academic cover…

ONE!


TWO!

But LOGAN MANN is on the ring apron, waving an acoustic guitar at J-MAX.

COLE
He has no business out here!

J-MAX goes to confront Mann and winds up in an argument with the MACHO Macho Mann. This permits a recovered Quiz to capture him inside a rear waistlock and fling him backwards with a bridged German suplex!

ONE!


TWO!


J-MAX kicksout, but most of the attention is focused on Mariachi crawling from beneath the ring apron.  He swipes Mann off the apron, leading to another argument from the Macho superstar. Mariachi hasn’t much patience for a tete a tete and simply DDTs Logan!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Quiz sees this and fumes with a fury all his own!  He begins to step through the ring ropes to chase after Mariachi but is rolled up by J-MAX!

ONE!



TWO!


THREE!


DING DING DING!

COACH
No way!

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall……J-MAAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXX!

J-MAX dives out the ring to celebrate with his sometime partner, Mariachi!  Inside the ring Quiz throws a fit and threatens violence against anyone within earshot.

COLE
Mariachi is going to have a very angry Quiz to deal with come School’s Out! But for now the night belongs to J-MAX!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
SNAKE BITTEN
MISTER DICK AND MALAYSIA VS THE ORANGE COUNTY COBRAS
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Coming up this Sunday, it's 10 Man Tag Team action, with a twist. Two men start and winner stays on. The Cucaracha Kingdom line-up all set, let's take it back to Josh Matthews who's with three of the five set to oppose them.

Back we go to Josh Matthews, looking tense stuck between three angry Brits, The Last Kings Of Scotland and Nathaniel Black.

JOSH
Guys, School's Out is just a few days away and you're set for a five on five, winner stays on match. But at the moment, it's clear that you're outnumbered.

BLACK
Listen 'ere, Matthews. All that matters is there's three of us an' five of them. The OAOAST wanna let us find two partners. One problem with that. We don't give a toss who our partners are! See, the way I see it, it's winner stays on, right? Well, I don't plan on losin'. I bet these two don't plan on losin'. Just so long as they get their 'ands on Rico an' Lucius... an' just so long as I get my 'ands on you, Landon... it don't matter who...

Suddenly grabbed by the shoulder, Josh's microphone is taken by Scottish Scott.

SCOTT
Ey, laddie, who's tah say yer even gonna get yer 'ands on Landon Maddix? Cause unless you plan on startin' the match an' beatin' everyone by yerself, you ain't gettin' in this match until me an' Danny lose. An' guess what? We don't intend on losin' neither.

BLACK
Oh yeah?

DANNY BOY
Aye.

BLACK
Well, we'll see about that.

DANNY BOY
An' what's that supposed tah mean?

MEGAN
Hey, hey! Quit it, would you?

Just as tempers start to boil over, the sound of beeping and tutting distracts everybody. Beeping coming from the sound of a phone keypad and tutting coming from the mouth of MELODY NERDLY.

MELODY
Uh oh. Nthr argmnt. Fite me u p0ser, LOL. Ttyl. Send. ...and, no signal. Crud.

SCOTT
Can we help yeh, lassie?

MELODY
Yeah, there's a baby trapped in a mineshaft, send help quickly!

Cue confused stares.

MELODY
Because... Lassie... the TV sho... nevermind. I was standing over there exchanging texts, minding my own business. And I could help hearing you guys have a problem. Well, here's the 411, RE: winner stays on. It's gonna cause arguements. No two ways about it. Trust me. I had to put up with years of "when's it my turn", "quit hogging the controller", "this is boring", "when you next sleep I'm going to get my whip and lash you until you bleed". The thing is, you've got to learn to share. Or, alternatively, learn to accept that if somebody's got the high score on Tekken, they're probably gonna be kinda good at it, so best pack and lunch and be patient while MELO does her work. Now, as far as finding you two partners? I know just the guys. Huge experience with winner stays on. Some of it successful. So I'll lend you my brothers for the night, if you guys can pick me up some DVDs when you're next in England, because shipping is buttrape at the moment and I need my fix of retro British comedy that nobody else in this country understands.

BLACK
'Ang on. Why do you care about 'elping us exactly?

MELODY
Well, aside from the DVDs issue which I actually wasn't joking about, it's not so much "elpin" you. Let's just say, any chance to upset Princess Peach is good for me.

Cue more confused stares, before Megan steps forward.

MEGAN
You've got yourself a deal. But, one condition. Leave Princess Peach to me.

MELODY
Understood.

As Melody walks off trying to find a signal, Megan turns to find, yes, more confused stares.

MEGAN
Princess Peach is Esther.

ALL
Oohhhh.

BLACK
Why didn't she pissin' well say that then? Stupid tart.


From there, we go backstage into a darkened corner of the arena where


Leon Rodez

and


Morgan Nerdly sit against a wall.

MORGAN
I…I…don’t know what to do. I want Maggie to win the match, but if…I…I…don’t do things fairly I could be…fired. And…and…then I wouldn’t be able to see you anymore. This sucks.

LEON
Be quiet.

MORGAN


LEON
Be quiet. Do you not see the position I’m in? I own the money in the bank briefcase. I fought, and sacrificed for this thing, and you’d think for that I’d get a moment of peace. But no, next to the world champion I’m the most hunted down individual in this company. I have no moment of peace, no solace, no time for enjoyment. Only time to look over my shoulder so I can see who’s going to stab me in the back. In addition I have to deal with a general manager, who losing control of her company, is lashing out at me as a desperate bid to make an impact that will save her job. I don’t have time to listen to you whine about things that are YOUR fault. What did you expect to happen when you saved Maggie? Did you expect a Nerdly family reunion where everyone comes and apologizes for the hell they put you through? Did you expect your nineteen years of misery to just go poof and vanish?

MORGAN
I…I…I…was…only….trying to hel…hel…help.

LEON
Help? And why would you want to do that? What good is your help? What good are you?

Small tears begin to slink down Morgan’s cheeks.

MORGAN
I’m sorry, I don’t know.

LEON
Why would you try to help? No good comes from helping people. I spent most of my career being the good guy and helping people like Zack and Bohemoth and Jade, and you tell me what happened. They all turned on me! Every last one of them, turned their backs on me! Help? Help is a joke. And for your joke you’re a special guest referee. You’re no closer to your title than you were before, in fact you either have to watch your little sister win it or your worst enemey win it. That’s what you get for your help. But, like I said, I have my own problems, bigger problems, to worry about.

Morgan breaks out into full blown tears and falls onto Leon’s lap

MORGAN
I’m sorry! Please forgive me!

Leon sighs and rolls his eyes.

[Chanel #99]

We return to ringside where Michael Buffer stands in the center of the ring.

* DING * DING * DING * DING *

BUFFER
This is your HeldDOWN main event! Are you ready?

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

BUFFER
Des Moines, Iowa, ARE… YOU… READY?

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BUFFER
Then for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world… Ladies and gentlemen… LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRRRUMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

"Slither" by Velvet Revolver hits and Molly Nerdly leads the Orange County Cobras out through the gigantic snake’s head with flaming eyes.

BUFFER
Introducing first, accompanied by MOLLY NERDLY… from Orange County, California, the former 3-time tag team champions of the world… “BOX OFFICE” SIMON SINGLETON, “THE HANDSOME HUSTLER” NED BLANCHARD... THE ORANGE COUNTY COOOOBRAS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Not wanting to waste any more time the O.C. Cobras summon their opponents.  

COACH
You think Simon and Ned are ready to go, Cole?

COLE
They’ve been ready ever since what happened to them 2 weeks ago.

Ned hooks MD for THE SLINGSHOT SUPLEX, but MD tries to COCK BLOCK him. Ned escapes and execute a SLEEPER SUPLEX~!!!

COLE
Angel's Venom!

COACH
What?

COLE
A new finisher Ned developed to surprise Mr. Dick in this championship match. And boy did he ever do that. We could have a new champion.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

NO!!

Malaysia breaks up the pin and begins whipping Ned with her CAT O’NINE TAILS.

COLE
No, damn it!

* DINGDINGDING *

COLE
As if that wasn’t enough, Mr. Dick and Malaysia proceeded to do a number on them following the match.

“Motherfucker of the Year” cues to a surprisingly mixed reaction as golden pyro shower Mr. Dick and Malaysia onstage.

BUFFER
And their opponents. First, she is a former OAOAST Women‘s Champion, the ultimate combination of beauty and beat downs… MMMMAAALLLLLLAAAAAYYYYYSIA!! Her tag team partner, from San Antonio, Texas, he is the OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… MISSSSSTERRRRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!

*boo*
"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
*boo*

MALAYSIA


Unlike his main squeeze, MD isn‘t fazed by the boo birds. He takes a seat in the corner and signals for Malaysia to crawl over on all fours to remove the World title hung out of his short shorts with her teeth.

COACH
No matter how many times I see it that only gets hotter and hotter.  

Mr. Dick is all set to begin when Malaysia demands in after it becomes clear Ned will start for his side.

COLE
Look at this.

COACH
If payback Ned wants, he won’t have to wait long. Although I think he’s in for a rude awakening.

* DINGDINGDING *

The bell sounds and both participants lockup. Malaysia grabs a side headlock but is quickly shoved off. A shoulder tackle decks Ned on the rebound, followed by a clothesline that forces the Handsome Hustler to regroup in his corner.

MISTER DICK


Malaysia again grabs a headlock out of a collar-and-elbow tie-up, and again floors Ned with a shoulder tackle after being whipped into the ropes. Ned requests another tie-up and just like before is placed in a side headlock. Again he shoots Malaysia into the ropes, only this time he’s ready for the shoulder tackle and connects with a back elbow!  

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

An irate MD enters and receives a big right for his trouble. Ned clotheslines the Real American Prick outside and then BACKDROPS Malaysia onto him below!

COACH
No wonder Krista dumped his sorry ass. Ned doesn’t know how to treat a woman.

COLE
If Malaysia wants to play with the boys she’s gonna be treated like one of the boys.

MD and Malaysia regroup outside as the O.C. Cobras play to the OAOAST Galaxy inside. The action resumes with MD as the legal person for his team, and he wastes no time going at Ned. A kick to the gut stuns the Handsome Hustler, as do a series of right jabs, but he fights back to regain the advantage. Face-first to the buckle goes MD who’s then whipped in for a BAAAAAACK body drop. MD ducks a clothesline and connects with a STIFF KICK that knocks Ned loopy into the corner, followed by his trademark CORNER CROSS BODY!

COLE
Bite My Giant Dick!

COACH
Your favorite move, Cole.

Ned stumbles out of the corner and into a running apron clothesline from Malaysia.

COLE
What a cheap shot.

MD puts the boots to Ned, then rams him face-first into the boot of Malaysia. A tag is made and Malaysia hammers Ned with forearm smashes. She snap mares Ned out of the corner and applies a CHOKE.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FI--

Malaysia breaks the hold, then delivers a big elbow.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Malaysia smashes Ned into MD’s knee and then tags out. MD whips Ned in for a press slam but Ned slips out and SLINGSHOTS MD OUT OF THE RING!!!

COACH
DAYUM~!

The O.C. Cobras tag and Simon performs a SUICIDE DIVE onto a groggy MD!

COLE
Oh, my!

Simon tosses MD back in and connects with a SPRINGBOARD SPINNING HEEL KICK, then dropkicks Malaysia off the apron.

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
You wanna talk about a cheap shot. That was a cheap shot.

COLE
We know neither team will hesitate to break the rules.

Simon’s focus turns back to MD and following a dropkick he slams him mid-ring. To the top he goes and down with THE BOX OFFICE BOMB (big splash)!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!

SAVE BY MALAYSIA!

COLE
A half-a-count away where the Orange County Cobras from defeating Mr. Dick and Malaysia.

COACH
And most likely a World title shot for Simon had he pinned Dick.

Malaysia is escorted back to her corner as MD delivers a shot to Simon’s gut. Simon blocks a turnbuckle smash and sends MD face-first instead.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!!!

Simon fires MD off, but he telegraphs a backdrop and MD counters with a LEG DROP BULLDOG (Fameasser)!

COACH
A little ATM action there.

COLE
What?!?

COACH
Don’t play dumb with me, Cole. Dick dropped his ass on Simon’s head and Simon’s mouth smashed into the canvas. Ass to Mouth.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

SAVE BY NED!

COLE
Anything you can do I can do better says Ned, who like me probably wasn’t sure Simon would kick out following--

COACH
The ATM.

COLE
Will you get off that?

MD tags Malaysia and then whips Simon off the near side, dropping down as B.O.S.S. rebounds so Malaysia can deliver a clothesline.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Malaysia executes a butterfly suplex and makes the immediate cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Malaysia looks to wear down Simon with a rear chin lock, but he rises up and delivers a series of elbows to the midsection to break free, then charges off the ropes only to run into a YAKUZA KICK TO THE CHEST!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

Again Ned makes the save, prompting MD to voice his displeasure. As the referee scolds Ned, MD and Malaysia put the boots to Simon.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
You said it, Cole. Neither team will hesitate to break the rules.  

MD receives the tag and whips Simon in for a POWERSLAM!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

COLE
What guts and determination being displayed by Simon Singleton.

MD attempts THE COCK BLOCK, but Simon lands on his feet and delivers a kick to the midsection… which MD catches.

COLE
Uh-oh.

COACH
You can say that again. Simon’s in deep trouble here.

MD paintbrushes a one-legged Simon, and then gets drilled by an ENZIGURI~!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

A battered and beaten Simon claws his way to his corner inch by inch. As he nears MD makes a last ditch attempt to prevent the tag… but is too late.

MISTER DICK


Ned unloads on MD and then whips him in for a back elbow. Malaysia gets involved and eats a clothesline, followed by a POINTY~! ELBOW to the heart. Then out of nowhere Simon flies in to deck MD with a flying clothesline!

COACH
It’s getting wild out here, Cole.

The O.C. Cobras give MD and Malaysia a DOUBLE COCONUT. Malaysia falls out to the floor while MD staggers into the arms of Ned who scoops him up for a dropkick by Simon!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Ned slams MD and the O.C. Cobras head up for THE ATOMIC BLOND, but Malaysia shoves Simon off the top and then slides him crotch-first into the ring post! Meanwhile, MD gets the knees up as Ned crashes down, then sets him for THE JACKHAMMER… which Ned counters into a SLINGSHOT SUPLEX!!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO, SAVE BY MALAYSIA!

After numerous clubbing blows Malaysia looks to deliver THE CANADIAN BACKBREAKER PILEDRIVER, but Ned escapes and gives her a dose of ANGEL’S VENOM~!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Ned lays the badmouth on Malaysia and then gets served a big nasty FACIAL (discus punch) by MD!

COACH
Good aim by Dick. He caught Ned right between the eyes.

MD delivers THE JACKHAMMER and makes the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
Here are your winners: the team of MALAYSIA and MISSSSSTERRRRRRRR DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!

*boo*
"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
*boo*

As retribution for the sleeper suplex on Malaysia, MD continues to attack Ned following the match.

COLE
What purpose does this serve? The match is over.

COACH
Dick’s sending a message, Cole.

“C-O-D!”
“C-O-D!”
“C-O-D!”

MD shoves the referee outside and COCK BLOCK’S Ned. BARON WINDELS rushes out but even he can’t reason with MD who has now grabbed Malaysia’s WHIP.

COLE
Enough is enough, damnit!

MD cracks the whip over Ned’s back again and again. BW attempts to restrain MD but gets tossed aside. Suddenly there’s a loud roar as COD hit the ring.

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Alix tends to Simon outside while Krista goes toe-to-toe with MD!

COACH
What business do they have out here?

COLE
Ned’s the father of Krista’s daughter, that’s what business she has out here.

COACH
Normally it’s supposed to be the man saving the woman, not the other way around.

As MD is placed on his heels BW comes to his rescue.

COACH
It’s about damn time Baron Windels remembered he and Dick are the One & Only World tag team champions.

Alix dives inside and the 2 teams scheduled to meet this Sunday live on PPV brawl.

COLE
We’re getting a preview of this Sunday night’s main event at School‘s Out! And fans, we’re outta time! We’ll see you Sunday night live on pay-per-view at School’s Out!

FADE TO BLACK