OAOAST HeldDOWN 6/4/09

[Chanel #99]

We're taken to the center of the ring where Mister Michael Buffer stands at the ready!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the NEW OAOAST WORLD CHAMPION, KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAAAAAAAAAAN!

Gimme them bright lights, long nights
High rise, overtime

Gimme them bright lights, long nights
Party till the sun is rising
High rise, overtime
Working 'till the moon is shining
Hot guys, fly girls
Never gonna say it
I feel on top of the world,
I feel on top of the world
Hey!

A gigantic standing ovation welcomes the brand new world champion, outfitted in a crinkle blouse mixing spicy purple and iris blue along with bell bottomed jeans from Diane von Furstenberg. Also there is the OAOAST world title, with Krista casually carries along as if it were just another piece of her ensemble.

KRISTA


COLE
Krista Isadora Duncan’s amazing career had its keynote moment this past Sunday when she cashed in her money in the bank contract to swipe the world title right out of Leon Rodez’s hands! It took four years just for someone to beat Krista, how long could she hold onto the title?

Krista enters the ring and is handed a microphone.

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

KRISTA
Mister Buffer I love you because you’re one of the few people who didn’t try to grab my ass at the Christmas party. But your introduction was lacking some vital facets of information. Let me show you how its done Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the first ever Jewish, lesbian, blond haired,  Lakers season ticket holding, Californian, single mother, Best Buy RewardZone member, secret Trekkie, world champion….moi!

“YEAAAAAAA!”

KRISTA
By the way that Best Buy reward zone card is just great. Its nice to know after I spend a hundred dollars on dvds and games my daughters will never use I’ll be able to get a coupon for five dollars off a 2000 dollar flat screen, thanks Best Buy!

COLE
I happen to use rocks and twigs to entertain myself.

KRISTA
When I woke up on Sunday, my first thought wasn’t to cashing in my  money in the bank contract; actually my first thought was how drunk did I get last night in order to wake up in this bondage dungeon chained to two hairy Vietnamese guys. Even when the police kindly escorted me back to my hotel room after kindly not questioning me about the dead body wrapped in duct tape on the dungeon floor, I didn’t think about cashing in my contract. Why I didn’t even remember I had the contract until I needed something to throw at Terry’s head and had to chose between a table lamp and the briefcase. The lamp is tired and clichéd and I think he’s developed some kind of immunity so I picked the briefcase. After waking up from being knocked out, and having paramedics stopping his internal bleeding, Terry told me I had to cash in before my contract run out. After I had security escort him from my room and beat him in the hallway for telling me what to do., I thought maybe Terry was right. But I couldn’t possibly cash it in on Zack. He’s The Franchise like Ronald McDonald, or that weird purple retarded guy that always tags along with him. I couldn’t do that to Zack  I li-li-li-liiiiiiikeeee ….I don’t hate Zack! And I’m sorry for his loss. But I’ll tell you who do I hate. I hate Jimmy Fallon, I think his jokes are simple and stale and he looks kind of like a mole rat. I’ll tell you who I also hate and that’s Leon Rodez!

“LEON SUCK! LEON SUCKS! LEON SUCKS!”

KRISTA
As some his earlier adult films would attest to, he sucks quite a bit and loves every flamingly gay minute of it.  Good for him, I say, jolly good for him! Our good pal Leon had a reputation as a good guy, happy go-lucky, and everybody’s friend. Everybody’s except Krista. People would ask me “Why don’t you like Leon?” as if liking Leon was a prerequisite to using oxygen on this planet. “You have to give Leon a chance.” No, I’ve never given my arms being sawed off a chance and I know I don’t like that. Do you know why I never liked Leon? I never much cared for him because he was fraud. I knew his whole nice guy act was as authentic as Milli Vanlilli. I grew up in a political family; I could spot a liar in the next solar system. Trust me, everyone, no one is that happy, no one is that cheerful, well except maybe Carrot  Top but he’s weird anyway.  I’m sorry to say people just aren’t like that. They’re cruel souls wrapped in a cloak of malice and evil. Leon just hid his sick ways better than the rest of us. Fortunately, when he was at his worst I was at my best. I was right there to cut him up, drag him down, and tear his little world apart. Kind of like the IRS in a way. Regardless, its great to be your world champion, it falls somewhere behind making a robot out of tin cans in 3rd grade on my list of great achievements.

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

“BOOOOOOOO!”

What would Krista’s first promo as champion be without Theodore Moneymaker interrupting it? It wouldn’t be complete at all! Wearing a pinstriped suit and an unusually cheerful smile, the messiah walks himself into hostile territory.

KRISTA
I see they opened the gate to hell earlier than usual.

COLE
We should’ve expected this. Anytime something good is given to Krista, Theodore Moneymaker is right there to take it away.

COACH
Everything Mister Moneymaker does he does for the greater good of the OAOAST Marks.

Krista fights back her strong urges to attack Moneymaker on sight, and allows him into the ring.

“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”

MONEYMAKER
Krista, above all else, I want to take this moment in history to offer you congratulations.  You deserve it more than any champion before you. I’m a bit of a pigskin fan myself, and your title victory reminds me a lot of Peyton Manning, a good old boy with great talent, finally winning the big win and cementing his place as one of the all time greats.

KRISTA
I stopped understanding anything you said after “Krista”.

MONEYMAKER
I just want you to understand that I’m proud of you.

KRISTA
Are you feeling okay? Are you on some kind of new allergy medication?  Shouldn’t you be lamenting my title win as damning the souls of America’s children to hell with my lesbian voodoo trickery?

MONEYMAKER
BWHAHAHAHAH. A great sense of humor for a great champion. Just because our lifestyles may differ doesn’t mean my heart isn’t filled with pride for you.

“BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!”

KRISTA
On this rare occasion I’m included to agree with the crowd that  consists of numerous people wearing Tony Tourettes pull my finger shirt.

 MONEYMAKER
Krista, you could sodomize goats and I’d still be proud of you.

KRISTA
You’d be proud of me sodmizing goats? What?

MONEYMAKER
No, no, what I meant…nevermind. As an investor in TSM I am proud that a woman of your class and character represent this company and my network.  Even if you are a Jew. But, most of all I’m proud to be your partner.

KRISTA
Honey, are you going to proposition me for sex, because if you are-

MONEYMAKER
Krista, I just completed the business deal of the decade. I have given to the both of us a holy matrimony in the field of the marketplace. You and I are joined in perfect union, because as of five minutes ago I own 30% of FIT with KID.

KRISTA
Its funny, honey, I thought you may have said you own 30% of FIT with KID, and obviously if you said that my head would’ve exploded and that hasn’t happened so it must not be what you said.

MONEYMAKER
No, Krista, you heard correctly.

KRISTA
What kind of heartless scum would sell you 30% of the company?

MONEYMAKER
Your mother.

KRISTA
Like I said, what kind of heartless scum would sell you 30% of the company?

MONEYMAKER
Krista, don’t you understand the brighter future we’re prepared to create for the people? Together, you and I have formed a blessed partnership touched by the gods. With your charisma and my mental abilities; together we are paving the way for a multifaceted entertainment conglomerate to take hold of this great country. Film, online media, fitness, news, as my friend Spencer Reiger likes to say “The world is our’s” This is opportunity, my dear, and its one we’d be fools not to seize. And we seize it by first remodeling your image. As I told your mother when I brokered the deal, we’re going to make you into a docile, honest, respectable; middle American icon that stands for all that’s good in this country. You and I are going to do wonderful things in the name of this great nation.

KRISTA
Yeah, but you hate me. And seeing that my therapist says its okay to hate, I hate you right back! In the past two years, you have put three bounties on my head, drove Alix away and nearly drugged her to death, stolen the tag titles from me, threatened my eldest daughter, called my youngest daughter the antichrist, sicked every broke bastard in the OAOAST on me, painted me as some feminazi destroyer of human life as we know it. Can’t a girl breathe? Can’t a girl get some space? Even Lex Luthor let Superman enjoy the weekend. There is no partnership, there’s no turning me into some kind of living Aunt Jemima, I don’t care what my mother told you, she’s liable to say I’m an alien spy if she’s on the right mix of Valium and Gin

MONEYMAKER
You have it wrong, so very wrong, Krista. Those were the old battles, ancient wars, they mean nothing now.  They were unproductive, evil lines of thought and we’re tossing them out the door! A new world champion, a new partnership, calls for new thought. Here’s one for you, I love you. I think, and your mother thinks, that  perhaps one day, you and I could make the ultimate husband and wife team.

KRISTA
Do2djo91ue9ejd2odwodwodwodjo!knveiwnichnwichichqw!

MONEYMAKER
Krista, I don’t mean to bring negativity into this situation, but on a basic level, if you want to simply survive as a world champion, you need the protection I can give you.  You’re entering brave new territory on both fronts and you’re going to need to adapt and change. Those are the keys of life, they keep humanity on course. You can chose to adapt and survive, or you can remain rooted in your ways and die.  I’ve made my choice, I’ve extended the olive branch to my once greatest rival. Do the right thing and except my kindness.

Moneymaker holds his arms open for a big hug. But Krista does more than that and actually kisses him on the lips!

“BOOOOOOOOO!”

Suddenly Krista breaks away from the liplock and nails The Enterprise CEO with a KIDology!

“YEAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
Moneymaker got exactly what he deserved!

Krista flips herself over the ropes to the outside, where she backs up the ramp laughing at Moneymaker’s demise.

MONEYMAKER
(clutching neck)
Playing hard to get I see.

[Chanel #99]

We cut to a graphic stating what we're watching is "EARLIER TODAY". A black SUV comes zooming into the parking lot, and as the door opens we see the former World Champion, ZACK MALIBU exit his vehicle. Malibu goes around the back and grabs his gym bag, then heads for the arena. A group of fans notice the OAOAST Franchise heading in and start to mob him, but the normally accomodating Zack walks past them all and into the arena. Some of the fans start booing as Zack walks past without so much as acknowledging any of them, including the younger fans, who can do nothing but watch as the door slams shut after Zack enters the building.

Backstage, Tony Brannigan is joined by V.I.C.E.

BRANNIGAN
The action continues in a moment. But right now I’d like to question Detective Tango Bosley and CPA regarding their involvement this past Sunday night at School’s Out during the tag team title match between Team Heyross and the Orange County Cobras.

BOSLEY
We agreed to an interview, not an interrogation.

CPA
Yeah, man, you think we’re criminals? Because only them dirt bags get questioned. Me and Boz, we’re a couple of good guys.

BOSLEY
And we got video proof too. Roll it~!

School's Out
Courtesy: OAOAST Home Entertainment

Simon receives the tag and the O.C. Cobra hit their SLINGSHOT SUPLEX/SPRINGBOARD CROSSBODY COMBO!

COLE
We may be on the verge of new tag team champions!

The count.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!!

DETECTIVE TANGO BOSLEY YANKS THE REFEREE OUTSIDE!

BOSLEY
We saved Team Heyross the tag team championship. You think they’d be grateful, but NOOOOOO! Not even so much as a “thank you” tweet on their Twitter accounts. Don’t they know no good deed is supposed to go unpunished?

CPA
Now we’re mad. Real mad. Ain’t nobody gonna disrespect us like that and get away with it. So we’re dropping a challenge to Moss and Benjamin. Anytime, anywhere. Pick the date and don’t be late.

BOSLEY
I told you, man, it won’t be that simple. We’re gonna have to make it non-title. They’re gonna be scared about losing the straps, a sure thing against us. But hey, since it’s all about teaching them respect, it‘s a win-win. Am I right?

CPA
Not just right, but right on.

BOSLEY
YEAH! THEN COME GET YOU SOME TEAM HEYROSS!

We cut away to…

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
OAOAST WORLD TITLE
FAQU VS KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage in the pricey high real estate dressing room of The Enterprise, Theodore Moneymaker paces around the room, while CMJ admires his many tattoos.

MONEYMAKER
We are bringing that woman down!

CMJ
She made ya look like a chowdahead.

MONEYMAKER
I know that! I know what she did! And she won’t do it again! I am nobody’s fool. Nobody’s fool! You are going to go find her, and you are going to go swipe that belt from around her waist.  We are going to keep that belt until she learns to play team ball!

CMJ
She gots a mahtch wit Faqu

MONEYMAKER
Screw Faqu! I own 30% of her ass, and I’m going to make sure she damn well knows that!

Moneymaker storms off with CMJ left with his mission.

COLE
Major changes here in the OAOAST and an unprecedented situation, TWO former World Champions off the back of this past Sunday night. And right now we're going to take you backstage and get some comments from a man who... well, who knows how he must be feeling right now, Leon Rodez.

Backstage we go and in an unfortunate piece of staff management, we find Maggie Nerdly with microphone in hand.

MAGGIE
Uhm, thanks Michael. I'm gonna try and get a few words with the former World Champion, although I'm not sure he's gonna be in a talky mood.

After a clear moment's hesitation, Maggie moves around a stack of metal pipes to a lonely and isolated part of the arena, literally the far corner. Sat there on the floor is Leon Rodez. Glancing up, Leon notices who's appeared in front of him and immediately he lowers his head with a snarl on his face.

MAGGIE
Leon?

Staring straight ahead, Leon doesn't acknowledge his former girlfriend at all.

MAGGIE
Leon... it's Maggie, I need to get an interview with you.

Still no answer and Maggie looks worried. Carefully she starts to approach Leon, when suddenly he looks up.

LEON
Haven't you done enough?

MAGGIE
I'm... just here to do an interview. It's my job, I'm sorry...

LEON
You're 'sorry'. You're 'sorry'? No, you're not sorry. You're pitiful. You're feeling sorry for yourself, because you look at me and you wonder what you did wrong, because everything is about you, isn't it? Needy. That's your problem. You're needy. If the world doesn't revolve around you then it doesn't matter. Well I realise now just how pathetic you really are. All the time we were together, you didn't give a crap about me, just about how I made you feel. Heh... You're an attention whore, as well as an actual whore. Get the hell out of my sight.

Gasping, Maggie can't quite believe how Leon can be so cruel. She tries to say something back, but feeling herself well up, she covers her mouth and scuttles off sobbing. Leon watches with a contemptful look before lowering his head again.

COLE
Er... well, unfortunately it... looks like we won't have that interview for you right now. We apologise for that, something we clearly didn't need to see. Poor Maggie.

COACH
Poor Maggie? Poor Leon more like.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!
When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside
I’ll leave you wetter than a flood tide
I gotta bend you over that’s how I like to ride!
I date a girl who whips my hide
And my 12 inches is my greatest pride
I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!

"Womanizer" kicks in and through the impressive golden shower of pyro emerge the most x-rated couple in professional wrestling today, Malaysia Nerdly and of course Mister Dick. As well as the golden sparks, boos rain down on Mister Dick as he takes off his glittering white cowboy hat and holds it underneath himself and Malaysia to catch any of the stray spit they start swapping. For good measure he hocks a big loogie into the hat, which Malaysia places her face inside seconds later.

COLE
Ew.

BUFFER
The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, from San Antonio, Texas... weighing two hundred, thirty eight pounds. Accompanied to the ring by MALAYSIA NERDLY and representing The Deadly Alliance... MMMIIIIIISSSSSSSTTEEEEEERRRRRRRR... DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

BUFFER
And in the ring, from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, two hundred nine pounds, MARCUS WALKER!

The enhancement raises his fist to the crowd while Mister Dick slides into the ring and starts to feverishly pound his crotch into the canvas, paying no attention to his opponent.

COLE
Mister Dick has been in a bad mood, worse than usual that is, since missing out on being involved in this past Sunday's School's Out. But I guess all is right with the world now, having helped Reject capture Money In The Bank.

COACH
Yeah but I still think Mr. Dick's got some unfinished business with Denzel Spencer.


*DINGDINGDING!*

Mr. Dick rushes his opponent in the corner with kicks and stomps, working him down into the turnbuckles. Pinning his throat on the bottom rope, Mr. Dick then pushes up on the ropes, choking Walker to the referee's count of four. Satisfied with his work, Mr. Dick strolls all the way over to his corner for some more attention from Malaysia.

COACH
Isn't it refreshing to see true love flowering before your eyes?

After some smooches, Mr. Dick is pointed back to the action by his authorative ladyfriend. Mr. Dick grabs Walker as he comes out of the corner, scooping and slamming him in the middle of the ring. And he enjoyed it so much, he decides to do it again. On the third scoop slam, he makes a lazy cover while giving Malaysia a good look at his rippling abs...


1...



2...


Kickout.

Not concerned with the kickout at all, Mr. Dick's gaze stays on Malaysia and he crawls across the ring for another kiss.

COACH
You know, I wouldn't stay in a bad mood long either if I had Malaysia.

COLE
If you had Malaysia, you'd be hospitalised within a week.

COACH
Yeah, but it'd be worth it.

Whipping Walker to the ropes, Mister Dick knocks him down with a clothesline, all very routine for The Human Hard On. The fans start to get on his back and he gives as good as he gets, shouting abuse from over the ropes. Unbeknownest to MD, his inexperienced opponent is getting back up and his eyes widen as he spots an opportunity. Malaysia tries to warn her man, but before he knows what's happening, Mr. Dick has been pulled down with a schoolboy rollup!

COLE
WAIT A MINUTE!


1...




2...




KICKOUT!

COLE
Oh my, Mister Dick almost got shocked right there!! That cocksure attitude almost cost him again, if he thought what happened with Denzel was embarrassing, he nearly topped that tonight!

Flustered, Mister Dick gets back up and is met with a combination of right hands from Walker, getting the crowd excited. Walker hits the ropes and has the presence of mind to duck a Dick clothesline. But Mister Dick has had enough at this point and DESTROYS his opponent coming back off the ropes with a STIFF KICK!!!!

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
OH what a kick!

COLE
I think Mister Dick is finally paying attention.

Suddenly Mr. Dick is all business, dragging the nobody who almost embarrassed him to his feet. He slaps Walker around a little, before jarring him with an inverted atomic drop. Hitting the ropes Mr. Dick shows more intensity with a Clothesline From Hell, mowing Walker down!

COLE
There's the Cock Shock and that should avoid the shock upset, but it could have been very different.

Mister Dick drags what's left of Walker up again. Lifting him onto his shoulders, Mr. Dick hits the COCK BLOCK and forces Walker down with a disgruntled pin...


1...



2...



3!!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... MMIIIIIISSSSSTTEEEERRRR... DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Still scowling, Mister Dick looks almost embarrassed at what happened. Not even offering any physical contact for Malaysia, he storms out of the ring and gets into another arguement with some fans on his way to the back.

COLE
Clearly Mister Dick hasn't learnt the lessons that Denzel Spencer should have taught him. Maybe now, Mister Dick will start taking his opponents a little more seriously?

COACH
Why?

COLE
Why!? Coach, he could have gotten beat again tonight!

COACH
You want to know why Mister Dick's angry? Because he's the premier athlete in the world and he's sick of people getting by on flukes. This guy tonight? Would have been nothing but a fluke. Just like Denzel Spencer was nothing but a fluke. He's no match for Mister Dick, he just got lucky. And Mister Dick hates people who rely on luck.

COLE
You can put a positive spin on it all you want, but you don't win matches on paper or by tales of the tape, you win them in the ring. Maybe Mister Dick ought to learn that, instead of whining and crying when somebody like Denzel Spencer beats him fair and square?

We cut backstage where Mister Theodore Moneymaker is still pacing in the dressing room, as annoyed and frantic as ever. His hopes don't rise any when CMJ strolls into the room with a bloody nose.

MONEYMAKER
Well, where’s the title?

CMJ
Imprinted on my fahhead. She went and wacked me.

MONEYMAKER
Damn it all to hell! I own that woman, that is no joke. I didn’t pay millions to continually be made to look like an incompetent ass! I may be the minority owner in FIT With KID but I won’t be minimalized! Spencer!

Half asleep on the leather couch, Spencer Reiger barely finds it in himself to appear interested.

MONEYMAKER
I want that world title. I want it as symbol of our new found unity, to retrieve it she must accept me as her...

REIGER
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it, no problem. She may be a lesbian, but nobody can resist the SR charm.

Much more confident than his boss, Mister Reiger exits the room with a cocky strut.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

COLE
We understand that our broadcast colleague Josh Matthews is standing by, ready to try and talk to Leon Rodez. Hopefully we can get that interview this time, take it away Josh.

As earlier, we find Leon sat in his secluded corner of the backstage area and a little more receptive to an interview who hasn't broken his heart. Josh stands over him, Leon staring the other way at the wall.

MATTHEWS
Leon, if we could, I'd like to get your thoughts on what happened this past Sunday at School's Out.

LEON
I'm not angry. And I'm not surprised. All I am... is numb.

Leon glances over.

LEON
I told everybody what I was setting out to do this past Sunday. My goal was to take away from Zack what he had taken from me. To make him suffer the same pain that he's forced me to suffer. And I did that. I ran over that moment in my head a hundred times. Over and over again. And deep down, every time that thought ran through my mind, I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to pay. Pay for what I was going to do for Zack. And pay for my success. I just didn't expect it to be so soon...

Scowling, Leon runs his hands through his hair.

LEON
But the source? That's no surprise to me. Because Krista Isadora Duncan is everything that's wrong with life. She epitomises how unfair life is. How someone can deserve nothing and get everything they desire. I've suffered thanks to Krista before, so I can't say I'm surprised that she's the source of my suffering now. But Krista needs to realise one thing. In my life, for every moment of pleasure, there must be one of pain. That moment, that brief moment of pleasure when I looked down at Zack being carried from the ring... that's the one moment of happiness I have to cling to from this entire sorry year. All the bad and all the wrong that's been dealt me on one hand, what I did to Zack on the other. Well, Krista, I feel that pain again now. And I'll feel this pain time and time again like I have for months. But that moment of pleasure at YOUR expense... it will be worth all the pain in the world to me. You deserve your taste of bad karma, perhaps more than anyone else. And I...

Leon trails off and his head sinks down into his shoulders. The reason being the appearance of Jade Rodez-Duncan, wearing a worried expression on her face. She kneels down next to her uncle, who flinches wishing she wasn't so close.

JADE
We need to talk.

LEON
No we don't.

JADE
Yes... yes we do Leon. This isn't right and I can't bear seeing you like this anymore, you have to talk to somebody about this. You're depressed and you need...

LEON
I don't need to talk. Least of all to you. You're the absolute last person I want to see right now, so why don't you just leave me alone?

JADE
Because I'm worried about you!

Leon slowly looks up and chuckles under his breath.

LEON
Why the sudden change of heart?

JADE
What... Leon, please, stop this...

LEON
Why don't you just run along and go celebrate with Mommy? That's where you'd rather be. It's where you've been the past year, right? You didn't care about me then. I don't need you pretending to give a damn about me now, just to sooth your conscience.

Standing up, Leon walks off and leaves his niece behind close to tears.

We cut back to the Enterprise dressing room, where Mister Moneymaker's fretting has been replaced by Lorelei DeCenzo's tight glare, and Morgan's puppy dog face. No need for pictures because you know what they all look like!

LORELEI
I do not much care for being left unconscious on a dressing room. I find it frightening, distasteful and above all an assault on my character.

MORGAN
I know. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help. Is that what you want? I'll own it, it was my fault.

LORELEI
No it wasn't your fault it happened.

MORGAN
If you'll just....it wasn't my fault?

LORELEI
You can't be two places at once. What is your fault is why haven't the people responsible been caught and brought to justice. I thought you were an inspector, I thought this was your job. You've lost you're edge. And its all because of the doctors. You've had so many hospitalizations, treatments, medicines, therapist, that you've totally lost the real you. You're becoming a twisted perverted version of everyone else. What is your exact diagnosis.

MORGAN
Major depression, ptsd and psychotic tendencies.

LORELEI
What psychotic tendencies?

MORGAN
I...I...don't want to say.

LORELEI
Do you have homicidal thoughts? Suicidal thoughts? What about post traumatic stress syndrome, what happened in your life to screw you up so bad?

MORGAN
I...please stop.

LORELEI
It hurts doesn't it? That's because they're trying to make you into something you're not. A copy of them. But they'll never accept you, you've been branded a freak and a monster. A sociopath with child like tendencies, isn't that right?

MORGAN
Someone said...I have the mind...of a child. Can we stop talking about this?

LORELEI
We're talking about who you really are? What does the real Morgan want to do to the person that harmed me?

MORGAN
I want to hurt them.

LORELEI
How bad.

MORGAN
I want to hurt them till their vocal chords collapse from screaming after being in so much pain. I want to watch their eyes as they crumble physically in my hands. I want to make them suffer like I suffer everyday.

LORELEI
And so you shall. Throw away your pills, quit playing their game, and become the real Morgan. Become a monster.

We fade out on Morgan pondering Lori's advice.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN is brought to you by
Morgan Nerdly for....I don't know what the hell this is!

“Protect Your Mind” by DJ Sakin & Friends cues and the Last Kings of Scotland march to the ring.

BUFFER
The following tag team event is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied by QUEEN ESTHER! Hailing from Glasgow, Scotland, at a total combine weight of 430 pounds, Europe’s finest athletes… DANNY BOY and “THE BRAVEHEART” SCOTTISH SCOTT… THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

“Scream” by Chris Cornell hits and the Orange County Cobras head down the aisle slapping hands.  

BUFFER
And their opponents, accompanied by MOLLY NERDLY! From the O.C., total combine weight of 460 pounds, the 2009 Anderson Cup champions… SIMON SINGLETON and NED BLANCHARD... THE ORANGE COUNTY COOOOBRAS!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
It was just this past week at School’s Out that the Orange County Cobras nearly captured their fourth tag title, but it was not to be thanks to interference from V.I.C.E. and the LDC Moneygang.

COACH
Excuses, excuses, excuses. You’re just full of them.

* DINGDINGDING *

The Handsome Hustler and Scottish Scott lockup at the sound of the bell, and Ned is doubled over with a knee to the gut. Scott whips Ned into the ropes but telegraphs a backdrop and Ned lands a kick, followed by a back elbow. Into the knee of Simon goes the Braveheart, and then for the ride as the O.C. Cobras execute a DOUBLE FEATURE FLAPJACK!

New legal man Simon Singleton makes the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Simon slams Scott mid-ring and heads up top, prompting Danny Boy to march over…AND GET DRILLED BY A FLYING CLOTHESLINE!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Molly keeps close tabs on Queen Esther as Simon takes to the air once more, this time a SPRINGBOARD CLOTHESLINE…BUT SCOTT HEADBUTTS HIM IN THE CHEST!!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

Scott pounds his chest in satisfaction, then puts the boots to Simon and rams him into the buckle. Danny Boy receives the tag and tees off from the middle rope, his kilt placed over Simon’s head.  

COLE
How insulting!

COACH
Remember that next time Los Diablos de Fuego commit an aggravated sexual assault in the ring.

Following a PUMPHANDLE FALLAWAY SLAM, Danny places his foot on Simon’s chest and plays air bagpipes while the count is made.  

COLE
That isn’t going to get it done, believe me.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Simon escapes an attempted scoop slam and executes a back suplex! Then without hesitation he rolls over to his corner and tags Ned!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

A big roundhouse floors Danny and rocks Scott, who is then fired off and back body dropped. Big clothesline sends him over the rope, leaving Ned alone with Danny Boy. The Irishman begs off but is shown no mercy by the Orange County Cobra. Hammered in the corner, Danny is whipped across and nailed by a standing dropkick from Simon as Ned drops down.

COACH
Come on, referee! It’s 2 on 1 in there. Do your job!

Queen Esther frantically motions to the back as Ned hits THE SLINGSHOT SUPLEX!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO, THE MARDI GRAS HELLFIRE CLUB BREAKUP THE PIN!!

* DINGDINGDING *

Scott yanks Simon down from the apron and whips him into the guardrail, then grabs his SPIKED CLUB and returns inside. Rico, Lucius and Danny all do a number on Ned before holding him up for Scott.

COLE
Oh, no, we’ve seen the damage caused by that damn club.

COACH
Ned won’t be the Handsome Hustler by the end of tonight, Cole. Instead he’ll be the Ugly Hustler!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

SCOTT/DANNY/RICO/LUCIUS


All the Queen’s Men hightail it as THE CITIZEN SOLDIERS hit the ring.

COLE
Baron Windels and Tim Cash have come to even the odds!

Molly helps Simon into the ring as the O.C. Cobras and Citizen Soldiers stand tall.

COACH
What is this, the mutual admiration society?

COLE
There’s a lot of respect there, no question about it. And luckily there is because otherwise it wouldn’t be a pretty scene out here right now. Scottish Scott was ready to tee off on Ned’s head.

COACH
Headless Ned? Heh, that has a nice ring to it.

COLE
Ugh!

Elsewhere Theodore Moneymaker has returned to his troubled pacing around The Enterprise dressing room. Timidly entering the room is Spencer Reiger, holding an ice pack to his head.

MONEYMAKER
Where is it?

REIGER
Not here.

MONEYMAKER
I can see that! I have eyes! What in the hell happened?

REIGER
She's the one woman that can resist the SR charm. Get Christian to do it, I need a nap.

Reiger plops down on his comfy leather sofa while his boss fumes over the repeated failings.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

In the hallways of the arena Jade Rodez-Duncan sits close to tears, being comforted by her burly boyfriend, Bohemoth.

JADE
I just hate seeing him so... so hurt and so broken up. I didn't go there for my sake, I went for him, honest. I just can't believe he'd think that about me.

BOHEMOTH
I know, I know. I'm gonna go sort him out.

As Bo starts to march off, Jade jumps out of her seat and holds her arm out in his path to stop him.

JADE
NO!

BOHEMOTH
Jade, he needs sorting out. He can't talk the way he did to you and get away with it, he needs some sense beating into him.

JADE
No, please Bo, don't. He doesn't know what he's saying at the moment, he's just angry and he's suffering. This isn't Leon, it's just not him. It's not his fault. He needs our help. He doesn't need anymore problems. Please, don't do anything.

Relenting, Bo stands down.

BOHEMOTH
Fine. But something's gotta be said. First Zack and now you, it ain't right and you know it. I need to have it out with him sooner or later.

JADE
Promise me you won't hurt him.

BOHEMOTH
Listen, I can't promise anything.

JADE
You've got to. You don't understand, what we've got is one thing but... he's my family. Tell me you understand.

A little evasive Bo seems to shrug, but Jade is insistant and makes Bo look her in the eyes.

JADE
If you love me, you'll promise not to hurt him.

After a few seconds eye to eye, Bohemoth finally gives in and pecks Jade on the cheek.

BOHEMOTH
Fine.

JADE
Thank you.

Bohemoth wraps a comfoting arm around Jade shoulder and walks her off, still not looking completely convinced.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, ZACK MALIBU and BOHEMOTH are having a friendly chat, but we don't get to find out what about, as ANGLESAULT arrives on the scene.

ANGLESAULT
What are you doing?

MALIBU
Talking.

ANGLESAULT
No, I mean what are you doing HERE? I didn't book you tonight. I told you to take a week to relax.

MALIBU
I don't need to relax, 'Sault. I need to do my job.

ANGLESAULT
Then maybe you should try doing it better.

Bo doesn't like Anglesault's tone, and tries to step in, but Malibu backs him off.

MALIBU
I got this, Bo.

Bohemoth gives Anglesault a glare, but then walks off, leaving the two OAOAST legends to themselves.

MALIBU
What's your problem with me lately?

ANGLESAULT
My problem? I'm not the one with the problem, Zack, YOU ARE. I told, I TOLD YOU that there's something with you nowadays. You've grown complacent and content with what you are, and that has made you lose whatever drive, whatever killer instinct you once had! Jesus Christ Zack, Leon Rodez stabbed you in the back and made a fool out of you, and you still...you STILL considered showing mercy?

MALIBU
What I do is my business, 'Sault.

ANGLESAULT
No, what you do is MY BUSINESS, and in more ways than one. Because on the friendship level, I don't want to see you be taken advantage of. I want to see you become stronger, become the Old Zack. And in the business sense, this is ESPECIALLY my business because it involves my company, and you, the man who calls himself the Franchise, but I'm starting to doubt that very much!

MALIBU
You're starting to doubt me? Let me tell you something...

ANGLESAULT
No, Zack, just no. Save it, because I'm tired of the excuses. If you're content with being the second best, with being a steppingstone to every god damn person that wants to make a name for themself, then you do it. However, you are NOT going to do it on my watch, and you are not going to do it to this company. Do you even realize who you are any more? Do you realize what being Zack Malibu means? Because right now the person who is coasting by on your name is you yourself! You're so content with just being Zack Malibu that you've lost focus and ceased effort. Things get personal and you build up that wall, the whole respect deal and the primal rage of Zack Malibu emerges...and then it falters. It doesn't stick, Zack. You're losing your touch, Zack, and you have to get it back.

MALIBU
And I suppose you're telling me this as my friend?

ANGLESAULT
You're damn right I am. I'm trying to bring you back to life, Zack. I'm not a miracle worker though. I want you to meet me halfway here. I want you to get that edge back. Take it all into consideration, Zack. The way you felt when the original In Crowd betrayed you. The way you felt when Popick had it out for you. The way you felt when you got beat by Crystal. The way you felt, Zack, when Bruce Blank and the Wildcards forced their way into your house and scared the hell out of your newborn. You know what the sum of those parts will be, Zack? I guarantee you it will be a Zack Malibu like no other before. One that can't be stopped, and one that can reign on the top of the OAOAST mountain forever. Now you go home, you take a few days, and you think about it. That's what's best right now.

Anglesault gives Zack a half-hearted smile, then pats him on the shoulder before walking off. Zack looks at the ground, then tilts his head up, the camera catching a very telling stare as we fade out

[Chanel #99]

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is for the OAOAST World Title!

The cheers for the announcement of a title defense quickly fade out the way as “King Kong” comes over the speakers. The entrance doors come apart revealing the gigantic and deadly Faqu to the booing audience. The mighty Samoan throws a crazed roar into the air before heading down to the ring.

BUFFER
Now introducing the challenger He weighs in at three hundred and one pounds... representing CUCARACHA INTERNACIONAL "THE SAMOAN WRECKING BALL"... FFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - QQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

COLE
Krista’s first world title defense coming against one of the most dangerous men in the OAOAST. Faqu the last ever HI-YAH champion before the company closed due to Yakuza ties.

Faqu slides into the ring, frightening the referee with his furious snarling and hostile glare.

Give me those bright lights, long nights
High rise, over time


Give me them bright lights, long nights
Party till the sun is rising
High rise, over time
Working till the moon is shining
Hot guys, fly girls
Never thought I'd say
I feel on top of the world
I feel on top of the world Hey


A huge explosion of cheers greets the brand new OAOAST world champion as she steps onto the sparkling entrance stage wearing a ruffled white skirt and a Lakers jersey. The gold painted dancers continue to groove and move around Krista, as she twirls around with her newly won world title held in the air.

BUFFER
And introducing the champion, from Los Angeles, California, she is a loving mother, a New York Times Best selling author, founder of FIT with KID, a Hollywood Walk of Famer, the 2009 wrestler of the year, and the current OAOAST World Champion, she is MISS CALIFORNIA KRISTA ISADORAAA DUNCAAAAAAAAN

Krista, plays it calm and cool as she walks down and entry ramp lined with photographers.  A smirk resides on her face as the title falls across her shoulders.

COLE
The first HeldDOWN of Krista’s title reign and its already been interesting! A new business partner, two attempted title thefts, and finally her first defense against a juggernaut of a man.

COACH
Krista has an open policy for the world title, if you want a shot just sign up. Landon Maddix signed Faqu up, sending him out to bring the world title to Cucaracha Internacional.

Krista intends on performing her scintillating rope hanging trick, but notices that Faqu is drooling at the sight of her. Highly disturbed, she decides to enter the ring like normal.

COLE
Theodore Moneymaker may be frustrated tonight, but even I have to admit he made a grade investment. A Hollywood walk of famer, an A list celebrity, and an OAOAST world champion is a great thing to sink you cash into.

COACH
Big stars have big egos and Krista’s is out of this world!

DING DING DING!

COLE
I think Krista realizes her usual tricks won’t work on Faqu, who probably doesn’t know enough to realize he’s being insulted.

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

Faqu eyes Krista down the way a lion might eye down the zebra its soon to pounce on. Krista tries her hardest not too look intimidated. But that effort doesn’t hold up as the gigantic Samoan rushes across the ring to attack her . Having no desire to be reduced to a pancake, the fitness queen quickly rolls beneath the ropes and out the ring.

“Ya know, what you can go and have the belt, I didn’t really want it.” Krista comments as she gathers up the belt from the time keeper.

“ARRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!” Faqu screams.

“I guess that either means yes or you find the ongoing marital saga of John and Kate Gossesslin to be detrimental to their young children. I’ll assume the former and if you could just stick your body through the ropes to grab it, that’d be great.”

Pleased with the offer Faqu sticks his body between the ropes. That’s precisely when Krista wacks him in the face with it!

“YEAAAAAAAAAA!”

“Kids, don’t be like me, mocking the handicap is truly wrong. Unless that handicap is Christian Wright, in which case mock away!

Krista leaps onto the ring apron as Faqu stumbles about the squared circle. She hops onto the ropes and throws herself forward to topple the monster with a diving lariat! Faqu is forced to his feet where Krista wacks his blubbery chest with rapid fire knife edge chops. The blows barely register on Faqu’s pain threshhold and he easily pushes the much lighter woman away. Roaring in anger he leaps towards her with a body splash. Avoiding sure doom, Krista rolls out the way and the ring mat shakes as though the building were hit with an earthquake.

COLE
I wonder what that registered on the Richter scale?

Both champion and challenger roll to their feet, with the much quicker Krista scoring several kicks with her white high heels. With the beast seemingly stunned the world champion takes off to the ropes.  She leaps onto the third cable and throws herself back with a cross body block! But Faqu easily catches her inside his arms.

COLE
Oh no!

Without waiting any more moments Faqu spins Krista out and brutally slams her against the canvas. The fans shriek with horror as their heroine clutches her now sore back. The burly hulk of a man stomps around roaring with passion at the booing and hissing crowd.

COACH
I think Krista’s learning a valuable lesson here , the competition steps up huge when the world title is at stake. There’s not going to be any easy victories now.

Faqu grabs Krista by her golden hair and shoves her into the corner. As the crowd chants her name, she’s assailed by a torrent of overhand chops by Faqu. They come with such deadly power that they sink her to the ground.  She can do nothing more then roll herself into a ball as Faqu’s bare feet angrily stomp away at her.

“KRISTA! KRISTA1 KRISTA!” the sold out audience chants as their heroine is moved upright. Taking some inspiration from their love, Krista drives her heels into Faqu’s feet.  This anguish breaks his hold and Krista is allowed to charge into the ropes.  But she’s struck down by a lunging kick from the challenger.  She rolls over in obvious pain as the beast snarls at the audience. Faqu turns his attention away from the audience and back to Krista, to whom he delivers a painful kick to the small of her back. Krista hollers out in pain, which leads Faqu to spew forth a mighty roar. He brings her up by her arm once and then throws her into the corner. The impact of the attack is so strong it throws Krista to the ground. She doesn’t stay grounded for very long however as her opponent traps her with a nerve pinch.

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” the audience sings,

Krista finds the strength needed to work her way upright. But that painful move is met with an even more painful strike to back of her legs to keep her grounded. With desperation controlling her every move, Krista reaches out and grabs hold of the ropes. This does not please Faqu at all as he grabs her from the cables. Yelling at the top of his lungs he flings her into steel ring posts. Anguish fills her body as he pulls her out the posts and clamps down on her with an arm bar.

COLE
Landon Maddix has to be somewhere backstage loving how this match is unfolding.

Krista tries to slip her way free of the monster’s deadly grip. However all this does is enrage Faqu and the world champion is slammed down onto the canvas. He throws another piercing shriek into the air before coming down on Krista with a body splash!

COACH
Krista’s agent has to be pissed off right now! You don’t see Nicole Kidman out there getting body splashed by John Goodman.

Clutching her badly injured midsection Miss California rolls out the ring and onto the apron in hopes of catching a breather from the relentless assault.  But those hopes are dashed the moment the fearsome islander comes charging for her.  Readying herself for his arrival she springs off the top rope and tags Faqu with a swanton press!

“YEAAAAAAAAA!”

But Faqu is quick to return to his feet and throws an angered roar from his throat.  He then leaps towards Krista with a leg drop, but Krista raises her legs and her spiked heels impair his bottom!

COLE
If that had hit its target that could’ve been the end of Krista’s title run and her career in the OAOAST!

“YEAAAAAAAAA!” the fans shout as Krista bounces herself off the ropes. She nears Faqu and leaps with her arm outstretched to his head and brings him down face first with a face crusher.  Krista then runs the ropes once more, but her attack is mercilessly stifled by a lunging throat thrust from the Samoan.

COLE
Vintage Faqu!

Faqu pulls Krista up by her arm and uses that grip to throw her into the ropes. He waits behind, arms raised to crush Krista on her return. But the world champion foils his plans by springboarding off the ropes and bringing down the giant with a moonsault press.

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” the fans chant as Krista wails on the now standing Faqu with inside leg kicks.  Pained by her succession of strikes Faqu shoves the fitness queen into the ropes. Instead of coming back, however, she wows Faqu with tried and sexy hanging upside on the ropes.

Taking advantage of Faqu’s stunned and stupefied state, Krista leaps upward and drives a knee directly into Faqu’s chin. The fans explode with glee as it finally seems Krista is starting to gain the upper hand in the contest.  However her advantage is short lived all thanks to Faqu whipping her across the ring into the corner posts. His charge towards her is halted by a super hot boobie shimmy.

COLE
Like finding ripe coconuts in an island grotto!

And once again his stupor proves deadly as the world champion strikes him in the face with another violent knee strike.  Unable to bring Faqu down with a simple but deadly strike, Krista coils her arms around his next to teach him that blond’s never pay a cover. But the fearsome islander avoids such a deadly attack by shoving her into the corner. He then snorts like a wild boar before rushing in to flatten Krista. But the fitness queen slides out the way and Faqu collides with the ring posts. As he staggers backwards besieged by confusion and pain she carries herself to the top rope. With the fans roaring behind her, she dismounts her perch with a corckscrew moonsault press that topples the huge islander!

“YEAAAAAAAAAA!” the OAOAST Marks celebrate as Krista hooks the leg for a pinfall…

ONE!


TWO!

But Faqu powers his way out the pin.

COLE
Faqu using all the power in his gigantic body to get out of that one!

Champion and challenger slowly rise to their feet. Anger fills out Faqu’s face, while exhaustion flood’s Krista’s. Because of her tired state the walk of famer is easily lifted onto Faqu’s shoulders and dropped backwards into Samoan drop! Faqu then hooks her ten million dollar legs for a crucial pinfall….

ONE!

TWO!

The crowd rejoices as Krista kicks out at the last possible second! Faqu is noticeably angry, and roars with primal fury as he pulls Krista up by her golden hair.  His arms trap hers in a double underhook, and next he hauls into the air for the Death By Samoan! But midway through the move, Krista counters with the always deadly KIDology!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
She nailed it from out of nowhere!

A pin follows and the audience counts along!

CROWD
ONE!

CROWD
TWO!

CROWD
THREE!

COLE
The first successful title defense for Krista Isadora Duncan!

COACH
A successful defense of a title she stole from an honest man!

A little tired and a lot sore, Krista graciously accepts her world title from the referee. She smiles her beauty pageant smile to her adoring fans and holds up the belt for all to see.

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of pinfall, still world champion…..KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAAAAAAAAN!

The crowd cheers come crashing to a halt, when Christian Wright rushes into the ring. Like a thief in the night he tries to take hold of Krista’s belt.  But Krista catches his attempted burglary and wallops him in the face with her world title! Wright stumbles about the ring, vision blurred by the brutal attack. This allows Krista to easily nail him with the KIDology!

“YEAAAAAAAA!”

Krista celebrates her first victory with a nice martini and a little pose over CW’s fallen body, while the audience chants her name.

FADE OUT