OAOAST HeldDOWN 4/2/09

[Chanel #99]

PRESENTED IN HD

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLTCXZbCNFU



COLE
Folks HeldDOWN~! is on the air just days before the biggest event in sports and entertainment, Anglemania! Hello, everybody I'm Michael Cole joined at sofa central with the one and only Coach Johnathan Coachman! Coach, we have a red hot show tonight, don't we?

COACH
I used the script as a napkin for my spare ribs, so I wouldn't know anything about that.

The Last Kings of Scotland, wearing leather jackets and blue and white kilts, march ringside under dark blue and white lights to the tune of “Protect Your Mind” by DJ Sakin & Friends. OAOAST Marks along the aisle and front row on high alert as Scottish Scott wildly swings his spiked club.

BUFFER
The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, Europe’s finest athletes, at a total combine weight of 430 pounds… DANNY BOY and “THE BRAVEHEART” SCOTTISH SCOTT… THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The proud Scotsman raises his club with one hand and pounds his chest with the other while his partner sings "Danny Boy".

COLE
Oh, brother.

COACH
No, it’s “Oh Danny Boy,” you idiot.

COLE
I’m referring to Danny Boy’s singing, or what he calls singing.

Thankfully our ears are spared further torture as “Citizen Soldier” by 3 Doors Down hits.

BUFFER
And their opponents! First, from Peoria, Illinois, wrestling’s last real good guy… TIM CCAAAAAASSSSHHHHHH! His tag team partner, hailing from San Antonio, Texas… “THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER” BBAAAAARRRRROOOOOOOOOONN WINDELS! Collectively they are CITIZEN SOOOOLDIERS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

Needless to say, Baron Windels and Tim Cash do a lot of hand slapping on their jog down the aisle.  

COLE
We’re about set to go with a strange one. I say that because the Last Kings of Scotland claim Citizen Soldiers stuck their nose where it didn’t belong one week ago in their match against the Orange County Cobras.

COACH
Well they’ve got a point. It got them disqualified.

COLE
Yes, they lost by DQ, but it was because of V.I.C.E. And thanks to them Simon Singleton and Ned Blanchard have been put on the shelf.

COACH
They can use the break, like say forever!

Off comes both team’s respective entrance attire and the bell sounds.

* DINGDINGDING *

Baron Windels receives a quick high-five from Tim Cash as Scottish Scott places his club in the LKOS corner, but it‘s Danny Boy who‘ll start for his team. That out of the way the two lockup and the Lone Star Gunslinger is easily able to execute a body slam, and then another. Danny rushes to his feet and into a BIG BOOT that knocks him backwards!

COLE
Danny Boy wandering around like he’s had a few too many after that one.

COACH
Oh yeah, because all Irishman are drunks, right? You probably think I like watermelon and fried chicken too. Well I do. But you’re racist for thinking it!

Dazed and confused Danny Boy tags out. And his replacement Scottish Scott wants Tim Cash and gets him. Of course Timmy offers to shake hands. Scott thinks it over, spits on the palm of his hand and then goes through with the handshake.

TIM
That wasn’t very nice.

SCOTTISH SCOTT
You know what else isn’t nice?

Apparently a kick to the gut, that‘s what. The fighting Scotsman clubs Tim across the shoulders and shoots him off. Cash ducks a clothesline and scores with a BACKBRAIN WHEELKICK! Scott tumbles outside while oh Danny Boy comes in to pickup the load, but gets thrown like a sack of potatoes by a hip toss. The Irishman finds himself in the wrong side of town and Baron Windels unloads with a Cowboy Bebop (bionic) elbow!

COACH
Come on, referee. Do your job. It’s 2 on 1.

Tim arm drags Danny Boy back where he came from, and then dropkicks him over the top rope. But when he goes to bring Scottish Scott back in he takes a SPIKED CLUB to the face!

COLE
Can you believe that?!

COACH
Accidents happen. It’s not Scotty’s fault Tim Cash is so clumsy he fell into a spiked club.

Unfortunately Baron Windels didn’t see Tim get clubbed, only him falling back. Shocked he’s slow to react as Tim, now busted open, is covered.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

Baron dives on Scottish Scott but is obviously too late.

BUFFER
Here are your winners… THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The Last Kings immediately seek higher ground, hands raised in victory thanks to Scottish Scott’s spiked club which he proudly displays for all to see. Baron Windels left kneeling over his fallen partner.

COACH
A hard earned win for the Last Kings of Scotland.

COLE
Hard earned win? They stole one!

COACH
Quit being a sore loser, Cole. Citizen Soldiers lost. Accept it.

COLE
I promise you there’ll be hell to pay if these two teams ever meet up again.

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Last weekend, a public media appearance ahead of AngleMania VIII went somewhat unaccording to plan. Opponents Leon Rodez and Tha Puerto Rican were booked to appear at the same Q&A session in Indianapolis, ahead of their 'friendly competition' this Sunday. However, maybe we spoke too soon.


~~~~~~

Footage suddenly cuts in of the aforementioned Q&A session. On the stage stand a row of tables, behind which sit OAOAST superstars The Heavenly Rockers and Abdullah Abir Nerdly, PRL, Leon, Tyler Bryant and The Christ Air Express. Perhaps not the best seating arrangement as despite being next to each other, there's a clear division between PRL and Leon.

MEDIATOR
Okay, your question, the guy in the second row.

LOYAL OAOAST MARK
Uhm, yeah... my question is for Leon? Are you disappointed at all at facing Tha Puerto Rican instead of facing Bohemoth?

Nervous laughter starts up at the question. Maybe not so nervous from Logan Mann.

LEON
That's an 'interesting' question, shall we say. Am I disappointed at wrestling PRL? Not at all. I'm looking forward to it infact. What's done is done as far as the World Title goes. I'm concentrating on this Sunday facing Tha Puerto Rican and hopefully my fans can concentrate on that too, instead of all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" I keep hearing.

LOYAL OAOAST MARK
Okay and, uh, who do you think'll win between Bohemoth and Zack.

The loyal and slightly irritating by now OAOAST Mark gets a long look from Leon.

THA PUERTO RICAN
You want me to field this one?

LEON
No, I'm good. I'm sure they'll have a great match. Just like me and PRL. Not my place to predict who's going to win.

MEDITATOR
Okay next question.

RARE FEMALE OAOAST MARK
Hi, my question's also for Leon as well. Do you feel like there's any more animosity between you and PRL now that he's dating Maggie and also, if you're looking to make him jealous then, you know...

The young woman's jokey question gets a laugh from all involved. At first.

PRL
I'm gonna chime in here if that's okay with you man.

LEON
Oh, feel free.

PRL
Look, the fact is people are making a big deal about me and Maggie and the history with Leon. None of that matters. All that matters is that this Sunday at Lucas Oil Stadium, in front of the thousands of OAOAST fans and the MILLIONS watching on PPV, me and Leon will tear the house down! Man to man, former World Champion to former World Champion. And it's gonna be great.

LEON
Exactly. None of it matters. Hell, I only found out by mistake, so if not for that it REALLY wouldn't matter, but that's besides the point...

PRL
Do we have to go there? Really?

LEON
What? No, no, I'm just saying that you and her has no reflection on what'll happen at AngleMania. Wrestling is wrestling and personal issues are personal issues. You have to learn to seperate these things in this business sometimes. It's not about revenge for me, or anything stupid like that. To me, it's going to be as if it never happened. Clearly Maggie doesn't care about the past, I don't care about the past, we move on and that's that.

PRL stares at Leon through this, sure that his AngleMania opponent is taking a bit of a dig at him but not certain enough to say anything.

LEON
Any more questions?

ANOTHER OAOAST MARK
Yeah, I wanted to ask... are you two really friends? I mean, a few months ago PRL was calling you a joke, I bet deep down there's still a little bit of animosity there really, no?

LEON
We'll never be best friends, that's for sure.

PRL
See, since November we've gained a lot of mutual respect for one another. Not friendship. But respect. What's in the past is in the past.

LEON
Or, so I keep hearing.

Stopped in his tracks, PRL has finally had enough and stands up.

PRL
Excuse me? If you've got something to say then just come right out and say it!

LEON
(still sat down)
I don't know what you're talki...

PRL
You and Maggie broke up MONTHS ago! MONTHS ago! And the way I remember it, you weren't too bothered about it at the time, since you were so busy chasing more Nerdly tail. So if you've suddenly got a problem with her dating Tha Puerto Rican, like you seem to, how about you quit taking digs at me and say it to my face!

Leon stands up and that alerts the other OAOAST wrestlers, but he's quickly calming everyone down.

LEON
Look, I didn't mean anything by it.

PRL
Oh no?

LEON
No. I didn't.

PRL doesn't seem to believe Leon, until he's offered a handshake and an apology. Determined to keep things civil PRL accepts. But the civility doesn't last and soon the two are eye to eye.

PRL
What's the matter Leon? Huh?

LEON
This Sunday, I plan on wiping that smug look off of your face.

PRL
Oh really? Well, how about I wipe that pathetic little sad expression off of yours!

To the shock of the crowd and the rest of the OAOAST 'panellists, PRL PIEFACES LEON! Taking exception Leon lunges at PRL and soon they're going at it on the stage, slinging punches on the ground as the rest of the OAOAST wrestlers attempt to pull them apart.


~~~~~~~~

COLE
That was last weekend and OAOAST President Josie Baker has suspended both men until AngleMania, determined not to let this get out of hand before then. So much for the 'friendly competition', eh Coach?

COACH
I knew it wouldn't last. Even before Maggie got involved. Throw a hot girl in the middle and it was only a matter of time. Let's hope they tear each other apart Sunday. Maggie, I'm'a waitin' for ya!

COLE
There's nothing healthy about delusional thinking

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

"The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats plays through the arena as we go back to ringside. Squeezing his way through the entrance, Biff Atlas is almost unrecognisable behind a protective foam rubber suit, over which rests a bulletproof vest, and a blue football helmet. I say almost unrecognisable, because his one recognisable feature is the fear in his eyes.

COLE
Biff Atlas on the way to the ring for singles action here on HeldDOWN~!... slowly, but surely.

Watching his every step with a keen eye Biff reaches ringside in one piece, to his upmost relief. He slowly starts to make his way up the ring steps, which proves an uphill task (literally) with his legs cased in foam.

COLE
While we've got this delay, we'd like to take another chance to remind everyone AngleMania VIII is live on Pay Per View this Sunday night from Indianapolis, Indiana. And added to that historic card, a special tag team battle royal for **BATTLE ROYAL PRIZE** . Featuring such standout teams as The Heavenly Rockers, The Citizen Soldiers, VICE... and Panic At The Disco.

COACH
I dread to think how long it'll take Biff to walk to the ring on Sunday.

COLE
If he even has the guts to.

Finally Biff is on the apron and after some more commotion getting through the ropes, he's made it into the ring.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall! Introducing first, from Venice Beach, California... weighing two hundred, twenty pounds... BBIIIIIIIFFFFFFF AAAAAAATTLLLLLLAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Biff starts to climb the turnbuckles, making it only to the bottom rope before realising the danger he's in. So he settles for raising his arms while standing on the safe ring mat.

BUFFER
And his opponent hails from The Hearts of the American People... accompanied by Freedom... he represents The All American Boys... LLIIIIIIIBBEEEEERRRRRRRTTYYYYYY!!

As a patriotic cheer goes up for the All Americans, they jump into the middle of the ring and set off red and blue party poppers.

COACH
Well that was hardly 4th of July, was it?

In the corner, Biff goes rigid and clutches his chest.


*DINGDINGDING!*

Freedom and Liberty high-five before Freedom leaves the ring. As Liberty turns away from playing to the fans, he sees Biff staggering towards him and then falling to his knees. Biff tries to pantomime to the referee that he can't breath, but wearing a football helmet doesn't help with communication.

COLE
I think those pops might have scared poor Biff.

Shrugging his shoulders, Liberty jumps at Biff, cradling him up with a crucifix pin from his knees...

COLE
Wait a minute!


1...




2...




3!!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
I don't believe it! In a matter of SECONDS, Biff Atlas has been pinned!

COACH
This isn't right!

The crowd cheer again, only seconds after having settled after the introductions. Freedom jumps into the ring and celebrates with his partner, as Biff flails around pathetically on the mat.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... LLIIIIIIIBBEEEEERRRRRTTYYYYYYY!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
That may be one of the quickest matches in HeldDOWN~! history! And without question the quickest victory of Liberty's career!

COACH
That's because Liberty never wins in his weak-ass career! And the only reason he won tonight is because they brought illegal fireworks into the ring to frighten Biff, leaving him unable to defend himself! A travesty of justice! And to think, these two call themselves real Americans!

COLE
Illegal fireworks!? Are you kidding me? If he wasn't wearing that ridiculous suit, he probably would have kicked out, he was weighed down under foam rubber!

Since the match was so short, a replay shows exactly what happened, Biff stricken at the sound of the small pops from the plastic party toys.

COLE
Apparantly there's nothing wrong with Biff's hearing, if that's what scared him.

COACH
He had his back to them Michael, he could have thought it was the muffled sound of gunfire.

As Liberty and Freedom leave celebrating, Biff is tended to in the ring by EMTs. His gasps for air are panicked, even more so when one of the EMTs touches him, fearing he's under attack.

COLE
In a life filled with low points, this is low even for Biff Atlas. Brilliant way to lead into Anglemania, Mister Atlas. Folks, stay tuned for more competent superstars!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return to live action with former world champion Tony Brannigan standing in the center of the ring.

BRANNIGAN
Ladies and gentlemen, my guests at this time, opponents this Sunday at AngleMania VIII in Indianapolis... the member of Cucaracha Internacional!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"The Church Of Hot Addiction hits, perhaps concessions made to James Blonde, who leads the way with Faqu close by and Landon Maddix, leader close behind. Next comes the grumpier Megan and Nathaniel Black. And behind them the only one to get a positive reaction on his way to the stage, US Champion Todd Cortez. The group assemble, Landon grinning to himself, apparantly oblivious to the cold looks going on behind him from Blonde to Cortez, Cortez to Blonde, Black to... everyone.

BRANNIGAN
Landon, we're just a couple of night away from AngleMania now. And the question still on everyone's lips when it comes to you guys, simply, why are you allowing the in-fighting we're seeing recently? A couple of weeks ago it was Blonde versus Black. That to determine who faces Cortez on Sunday. All Cucaracha Internacional fighting each other. That can't be smart, surely?

MADDIX
It can and it is, Tony Brannigan. See, this Sunday, all eyes will be on us. Cucaracha Internacional versus Cucaracha Internacional? Who gets the plaudits? Who gets the recognition out of that? Here's a clue, it's not The Burrough Boys. You've got James Blonde.

Perking up, James is pointed to by Landon.

MADDIX
Athletic. Charismatic. The most stylish and most trendsettingest man in the OAOAST. And then you've got Todd Cortez...

Quite liking hearing his boss list his good qualities, Blonde looks ever so slightly put-out when Landon turns around to his other protege.

MADDIX
He's battle tested, hard hitting, tough as they come. A little tempremental, granted, but that's okay.

Cortez and Blonde resume glares once Landon turns back to the cameras he so loves.

MADDIX
These are the two men who go one on one for the United States Championship. Or, should that be, 'Internacional' Championship. See, what's the common denominator in all of this? I am! It's all about Cucaracha Internacional. This Sunday, the entire OAOAST world will be watching two great athletes going at it and remarking "wow, these Cucaracha Internacional guys are good". And at the end, the United States Title will stay in camp. It's the very definition of win-win!

BRANNIGAN
That's all well and good for Sunday night, but surely you can't pit two of your men against each other without causing a little friction in the camp?

MADDIX
We're all competitive men. That's a given. Nothing wrong with a little internal competition if it improves our external competition.

BRANNIGAN
So you're not at all worried that this Sunday, far from displaying Cucaracha Internacional to the world, you could end up destroying it?

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

The fans like that idea, to Landon's annoyance.

MADDIX
So long as nobody stirs the pot, I don't see why that should be. I've spoken to both Todd and James in private and they've both assured me or their motives and their commitment to Cucaracha Internacional and that the key to it all is competition.

BRANNIGAN
And you believe them?

MADDIX
...why shouldn't I!?

BRANNIGAN
Oh, no reason.

Suddenly taking a step forward, Blonde whispers something in Landon's ear and gets shrugged off.

MADDIX
I'm getting to it, I'm getting to it.

BRANNIGAN
Getting to what exactly? Something you need to get off your chest?

MADDIX
Like I said, I'm getting to it.

Wanting to know what's up, Cortez takes a step closer in.

BRANNIGAN
Maybe we should cut to the chase?

MADDIX
We will cut to the chase, seeing as you're so impatient and you've got more of your conspiracy theories to get through. See, you ask about whether there's going to be any friction caused? There's not. I can guarantee that. And the reason I can guarantee it is that James, a couple of days ago, helpfully suggested something. And that is that the best way to maintain order is for me to be out there in the ring this Sunday as the special guest referee.

Cortez doesn't see best pleased with this, especially when he sees the smile creeping onto James Blonde's face out of sight of Landon.

MADDIX
And Todd, I was going to clear this with you but I couldn't get hold of you, but here it is. I'll be out there incase the competition gets a little too hot... although, I really don't see as that's an issue anyway. It's going to be a public display, a marquee of competition this Sunday and the real reason I want to be out there in the ring is to soak the atmosphere and experience in for myself, as Cucaracha Internacional steal the show!

With Blonde continuing to grin away in the background, Todd looks around... before beginning to smile himself. And that's enough to worry James.

BRANNIGAN
Okay, there you have it, Landon Maddix to be the special referee this Sunday at AngleMania for the battle of Cucaracha Internacional, over the US Title. Michael, Coach, back to you.

Cortez leads the way off to the back with the rest close behind, all except James who hangs back looking suitably worried about why Todd seemed so happy about the announcement.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Welcome back folks, I am currently on satellite feed with The Mardi Gras Hellfire Club, who have been MIA, totally against company orders for two weeks. We’ve finally caught up with them in this can’t be right…


Edinburgh, Scotland, United Kingdom

Oh its right, Mister Cole.


RICO DE JANERIO


LUCIUS SOUL

and


QUEEN ESTHER

Really do reside in the throne room of the world famous castle.

COLE
Before security kicks them out and confiscates their passports we ought to begin.  Lucius, Rico, Queen Esther-

QUEEN ESTHER (seeing the monitor for the first time)
The magic mirror is talking! Hello, Magic Mirror, hello!

RICO
That ain’t a magic mirror, chica, that’s bitch tits Mikey Cole. Watchu want with the Hellfire Club, mang?

COLE
Firstly where have you been these past couple weeks? Rico gets squashed by Zack and you all disappear-

RICO
I didn’t get squashed, mang. It ain’t nothing like that. My mother in Brazil she is very sick, she has the chicken’s spots, and I look after her that week, I nurse her to health because my porn stache has healing properties.

SOUL
Like Jesus and shit.

RICO
Yes, like Jesus. But when I’m in village, the peoples come from land near and far to touch my pornstache to bring good luck to the crops and the farmers. I am holy symbol in my country I am the santo cross to the little children, they cut the hair of their dogs and they tape it to their face and they I am Rico I am Rico! By time I get back to USA, mang, I am doug tired.

SOUL
Dog tired.

RICO
Doug tired, that’s what I say. Zack had easy time with me, because he does not have sick mother, he is not hero in his village like the superman clark kent. He is just normal man.

QUEEN ESTHER
What other questions do you have for us magic mirror?

COLE
That still doesn’t explain why you just up and disappeared.

SOUL
We don’t gotta explain shit to you, cousin. A pimps gonna do how a pimps gonna do. A pimps gonna screw who a pimps gonna screw. We been gone on vacation, doin trill g shit, because there ain’t no reason for us to be around. You give us a reason to show and we finna show. You don’t and we keeping our ass out the way. We ain’t doin no dark matches against the All American Boys. I’m a pimp of the year, Rico’s a hero in his village, and red over there is a queen, we show up when we wanna show up. Dig on that?

COLE
When might you feel like showing up again?

QUEEN ESTHER
You are a nosy magic mirror! Our vacation has been fantastic, we’ve seen so many things, talked to so many people, and Rico was only arrested twice in Paris. But we recently got an invitation to the grandest ball of them all Anglemania! Can you imagine it? All the artistocracy dancing their cares away under the moonlit sky, princes and princesses finding true love. It will be magic!

COLE
I don’t know what Anglemania you’ve been watching, but the one I’ve been going to I get puked on by at least 5 drunk inbreds a night!

RICO
We got the business to do there, mang. Tag team gauntlet, twelve teams, mang. Twelve victims for the Hellfire Club. Heavenly Rockers, D*LUX, Last Kings, Citizen Soldier, count them out, mang, we’re goin to break em nice and good. Clean sweep all way through for the Hellfire Club. Bring out the drumstick!

COLE
The what?

QUEEN ESTHER
I don’t even understand why we have to have this match. There’s much more exciting things to do in Indiapolis, that aren’t nearly as violent.

SOUL
This pimp ain’t trynna get him the hillybilly hoosier strain of HIV, now.

QUEEN ESTHER
But there’s a lot to do! Things I feel would be more interesting for the others in the match. There’s yellow rose horse carriages-

RICO
Hey, mang, Logan Man would like that, cause his old lady she look like a horse.

SOUL
I run that bitch to 5th place in the Preakness!

QUEEN ESTHER
They could even go balloon riding over the beautiful Indiana sunset!

SOUL
I heard that fool Baron Windells so stupid his ass tried to make balloon animals out of a Trojan Magnum!

QUEEN ESTHER
And guess what else they have? Chocolate! The Chocolate: The Exhibition as a matter of factor. It's chock-full of Indiana-made chocolates, including more unusual finds like tea-flavored, bacon-flavored,

RICO
Say no more, princess, Christian Wright already spendin’ time crusin’ down Moneymaker Hershey Highway!

QUEEN ESTHER
The Lego castle of adventure looks like a bunch of fun!

SOUL
That midget Shayne Brave ain’t even big enough to ride no rides! Ain’t nothin’ more that needs to be said than that. We gots a vakizzle to get tizzle. Smell me?

QUEEN ESTHER
Bye, magic mirror!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

"Renegade" by Jay-Z and Eminem hits and to boos, the fighting fit form of Melissa Nerdly punches out clad in boxing gear ready for Women's Title competition. Melissa throws some shadow punches, before pointing one of her boxing gloves to the entrance. Heralding the arrival of celebrity Deadly Alliance member LINDSAY LOHAN, to the clear surprise of the crowd!

BUFFER
The following contest is set for one fall and it is for the OAOAST WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing first, now hailing from The Bronx. She represents The Deadly Alliance and is your challenger for the evening... ladies and gentlemen... MMMEEEELLLLLLLLIIIIIISSSSAAAAAAAAA... NNEEEEERRRRRRRDDLLLLLYYYYYY!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Earlier today we caught up to get some comments from Melissa and... Lindsay Lohan of all people!


OAOAST

A small square box SWOOPS~ in and settles on the upper right hand side of the picture. In front of the OAOAST HeldDOWN~! backdrop stands Melissa and her new Hollywood friend. The murmurs off camera indicate there's a lot of security and/or reporters around.

MELISSA
Jade Rodez-Duncan. We finally meet. Ever since Josie Baker kindly granted me this title shot, I've been waiting, anticipating this match with baited breath. Everybody in this company makes you out as the sweet, wholesome girl next door atop the women's division. And who knows, maybe you are. But you're also guilty by association. Guilty of your family messing around with my sisters' miserable lives. And guilty of showing disrespect to my friend here, Lindsay Lohan.

Melissa wraps an arm around Lindsay, who reciprocates.

MELISSA
Tonight I can't wait to gain some retribution. Not for my family, but for my wronged friend. First you tonight, then your mother on Sunday at the hands of Mister Dick. I guess it's true what they say, you can't choose your family... and you can't choose who beats you to a pulp thanks to them either!

Melissa laughs, still wrapped up with Lindsay.

HELDDOWN~!

COACH
Say, Lindsay's into girls now, right?

COLE
So I'm told.

COACH
I see. You okay calling this one on your own?

COLE
Feel free to jump in when you're done. I'm sure the match'll still be going.

As Melissa warms up in the ring Lindsay is guided to her seat next to Michael Buffer's at the timekeeper's table, where there's plenty of security. Lindsay looks over her shoulder at the crowd before catching a thumbs up from Melissa and returning it with a smile.

COLE
I guess these two are 'BFFs' ever since that defamation job of an interview they did last week.

COACH
Put it this way, I bet Melissa's a better friend than Krista ever was.


"Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don’t care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They screamin' your name

Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don’t care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They screamin' your name"

The lights flash purple and often as "When I Grow Up" by The Pussycat Dolls hits, to a roar from the crowd. Energetically pushing through the entrance way Jade punches her fists to the crowd, showing off the Women's Title around her waist. Spotting a sign in the crowd professing true love for her she smiles and waves in that direction, clearly well trained in P.R. matters nowadays. That's public relations, by the way, not the guy.

BUFFER
And her opponent, now residing in Los Angeles, California! The second generation starlet with a heart of gold... ladies and gentlemen, she is the reigning and defending OAOAST WOMEN'S CHAMPION... "LITTLE MISS CALIFORNIA"... JJJJAAAAAAADDEEEEEE... RRRRROOOOODDEEEEEEZZZZZZ - DDUUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Jade slides herself into the ring under the bottom rope, a wary eye on Melissa as she climbs the turnbuckles and unbuckles the Women's Title belt.

COLE
One of the most popular personalities in all of the OAOAST, Jade Rodez-Duncan! Women's Champion of seven months and counting and you can tell, she couldn't be happier right now.

Jumping from the turnbuckles, Jade hands away her Women's Title to referee Charles Robinson. Most of the attention seems to be on Lindsay though, who waves as she's pestered for photos by nearby fans.

COLE
Oh yeah, she's not spotlight obsessed in the slightest. It's all the media's fault, all people like Krista.

COACH
Exactly! She's just an ordinary girl caught up in other people's drama.

COLE
Then why's she even here tonight? The live crowd and TV cameras are just a coincidence?

COACH
A bangable Hollywood superstar is willingly showing up, gracing us with her presence for a pro wrestling show featuring such luminary showbiz figures as Biff Atlas and you're COMPLAINING!? The hell's wrong with you!?


*DINGDINGDING!*

In the midst of all this the bell sounds and a wrestling match has started. Which some people in the crowd decide they should take notice of.

COLE
So Jade and Melissa, Women's Title on the line.

Jade and Melissa lock up, the champion quickly taking her challenger to the mat with a side headlock takeover. Not the most well-versed wrestler Melissa finds herself stuck for an escape and throws a little fit at being taken down. She does figure it out eventually, reaching up and grabbing Jade's blond hair and using it to pull her over...


1...



2...


No!

Back in control Jade complains about the hairpull, but gets caught by the same trick...


1...



2...


No!

Referee Robinson begins to get suspicious and warns Melissa, who gets back to her feet. Melissa manages to shove Jade off of her, but makes the mistake of relaxing, not expecting Jade to come back off the ropes with a shoulder knockdown. Hitting the ropes again Jade goes up and over a dropdown. Melissa rushes to her feet and sets herself looking to strike. Jade ducks underneath a spinning wheel kick though, booting Melissa as she whirls around and delivering a vertical suplex! Cover...


1...



2...



No!

As soon as she's out of the pin, Melissa rolls for the safety of the arena floor nursing her back.

COLE
Melissa out to the floor and Lindsay Lohan looks worried.

COACH
What's that supposed to mean?

COLE
Well, nothing, I ju...

COACH
Worried how? Nervous worried? Panic worried? Financially worried? That's slander pal, watch your mouth.

Melissa takes her time on the outside, making sure to let Lindsay know that she's okay. Eventually Melissa re-enters the ring and Jade's hesitance to go after her costs the Women's Champion, as Melissa lies in wait to deliver a punch to the stomach. Turning Jade up against the turnbuckles, Melissa uses the top rope for leverage as she delivers a couple of roundhouse kicks to the ribs, then places her boot against Jade's windpipe!

"ONE!"
"TWO!"
"THREE!"
"FOUR!"

Breaking, Melissa whips Jade across the ring. She follows in looking for a corner clothesline, but Jade kicks her feet up to block. Melissa is left favouring her arm as Jade goes to the middle rope. Before she can attack, Jade's foot is grabbed by Melissa and she's VIOLENTLY pulled from the ropes!!

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Melissa tries to capitalise with a pin...


1...



2...



NO!

COLE
Jade landed very awkwardly there and this could be the opening for Melissa.

Pulling Jade back up, Melissa rams her back into the turnbuckles. And drives the shoulder in again. Jade sinks to one knee and Melissa measures her, delivering a kick to the chest.

COACH
Looks like Linds is enjoying herself now.

Jade falls to the side as Melissa stands on the back, pinning her throat against the bottom rope.

COACH
Oh yeah! She's really gotta be enjoying this!

COLE
Did you just call her 'Linds' a minute ago? I knew she was associating with some strange characters recently, I didn't realise you were one of them.

After breaking before five again Melissa tries to defuse the situation with the referee. Melissa then turns and plays to the crowd with the match well in hand. Lindsay applauds her friend from her ringside seat, time even for Melissa to strike up conversation with the Hollywood wildchild. However, help is at hand for Jade. From the unusual source of MORGAN NERDLY, who has run to the ring and beats on the apron shouting words of encouragement for Jade.

COLE
Well, this is rather odd. Morgan out here cheering on Jade?

COACH
Yeah, what's up with that.

Melissa turns away from Lindsay and is strikingly surprised at the sight of her unstable sister's appearance. So much so, she keeps herself out of arms reach as she grabs Jade, dragging her away into the middle of the ring. Scoop and a slam plants Jade, Melissa off the ropes with a legdrop and covering...


1..



2...



No!

Slowly Melissa picks Jade up, half an eye on Morgan all the time.

COLE
I don't really know what to make of Morgan's presence here at ringside and it seems neither can her sister.

Clearly distracted, Melissa scoops and slams Jade again nearer to a corner. She scales to the middle rope and prepares to drop a big elbow, but Morgan suddenly runs around the ring towards her older sister. That stops Melissa, long enough for Jade to get back up and elbow her in the gut. Reaching up, Jade then pulls Melissa off the turnbuckles, sitting out with the Iconoclasm!

COLE
Californication from Jade, thanks to Morgan.

COACH
I think this nut still thinks her and Jade are friends!

Hook of the leg from Jade...


1...



2...



NO!

"JADE!"
"JADE!"
"JADE!"
"JADE!"

Both girls fight to their feet, with Morgan joining in on the crowd's chant.

COLE
Looks like the Women's Champion is beginning to feed off of this positive energy.

Back up, Melissa swings at Jade with a right hand. Jade ducks and paws the challenger with an open left hand. And then paws her with an open right. With a guttural shout, Jade then pulls a 360 and knocks Melissa down with a big clothesline!

COLE
Exclusive: Rich Little Blonde Girl Kicks Ass!

A boot to the gut awaits Melissa when she gets back up, setting her in place. Jade applies a cobra clutch, looking to put her challenger across the knee for the backbreaker. However Melissa manages to run Jade backwards, driving her into the turnbuckles! Sandwiched in, Jade is winded and suffers further from Melissa ramming her backwards three more times in quick succession. Melissa breaks away to hit the ropes, charging at Jade who staggers out from the turnbuckles. Melissa lunges looking for a Spear... but Jade surprises everyone by ducking out of the way! And Melissa faceplants off the canvas.

COACH
Don't look Lindsay!

Grabbing the ropes to pull herself up, Melissa finds herself face to face with Morgan...



...a momentary distraction, enough for Jade to grab the back of the head and pull Morgan down with the reverse x-factor!

COLE
That's gonna do it!


1...




2...




3!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

*DINGDINGDING!*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match and STILL OAOAST WOMEN'S CHAMPION... JJAAAAADDEEEEE RROOOODDEEEEZZZZZ - DDUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAANNNNN!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Jade's hand is raised in victory...



...but her celebration is short-lived, as Melissa attacks from behind!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Now there's no call for that!

A vengeful Melissa starts to put the boots to Jade, but only gets in two full shots before freezing at the sight of Morgan in front of her! Eyes widening, Melissa falls onto her BUTT and scrambles out of the ring as fast as possible, frantically waving for security to get Lindsay the hell out of the vicinity. Morgan watches on with steely eyes.

COLE
Boy, Melissa wanted no part of Morgan. And I guess Lindsay Lohan will have to wait until this Sunday to get her revenge on Krista, maybe.

COACH
Yeah, but Jade might not be around to see it.

In the ring Jade starts to get to her feet, thanking Morgan for her help. However Morgan offers no real assistance to her friend. Infact, there's a strangely cold look in her eyes as Jade gets up in front of her.

COLE
I don't like the looks of this.

Neither does Jade, clearly worried about what's going on. It's at this point though that Morgan's face begins to sink, from stoicism to sadness. Jade looks around, still a little nervous, as Morgan's head hangs.

COLE
Morgan... clearly rather troubled.

Seeing young Morgan like this Jade begins to soften and places a comforting hand on Morgan's shoulder. The words "I'm sorry" can be heard muttered low under Morgan's breath as Jade continues to check if she's okay. Which she clearly isn't. So Jade loses all of her reservations, stepping forward and giving a hug to her friend.



That's when Morgan starts to adjust her sleeve.



*bzzt*


Low, but audible, a jolt. Jade's body suddenly spasms and to shrieks of horror, she hits the mat. Her arms clutch at her midsection and she curls up into a ball.

COLE
Oh god...

As Jade lays on the mat, boos ring out. But then turn to an uncomfortable silence at the sight of Jade writhing in pain and moaning, crying in pain. Morgan's head begins to rise and with tears welling up in her eyes she stares at the fallen Women's Champion, before falling to one knee.

MORGAN
What did I do? WHAT DID I DO!? YOU MADE ME DO THIS!!!!

Morgan falls into a seated position and starts tugging at her own hair, before wrapping her arms around herself, as if hugging herself. Inches away Jade starts to cough and splutter, an unsettling sight which draws a group of referees from backstage. Four of them, all entering the ring but clearly wary of getting too close to Morgan and encouraging her to calm down. Morgan stands up and eyes the referees, no longer crying, instead trying to explain herself, repeating that "she made me do it". Meanwhile Jade continues coughing, clearly in a seriously bad way. Thankfully, Morgan ducks through the ropes at this point and leaves the ring at this point. Immediately the referees swarm to Jade and EMTs rush a stretcher to the ring, right past Morgan who backs slowly up the aisle watching this unfold.

MORGAN
I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

The EMTs kneel at Jade's side and an oxygen mask is placed over her face, still clammed up in a ball and clutching her midsection.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


We return to Sofa Central, a very serious Sofa Central with Michael Cole and Coach both wearing worried expressions.

COLE
Uhm... welcome back to HeldDOWN~! and very... unsettling scenes we just witnessed. During the break, Jade was treated by EMTs in the ring after... what we suspect was an attack, as we've seen before from Morgan Nerdly, with some kind of electrical device. Uhh... we don't have any word as of yet as to Jade's condition and we don't plan on showing you any footage of what occured during the break, because it was not comfortable viewing... many OAOAST superstars such as Jade's friends Tyler Bryant and Shayne Brave as well as Bohemoth were out here and it was clear to all that Jade was in serious pain, which is self-evident I suppose. We'll try and get you an update as soon as we possibly can but all we know is that she's been taken to a local medical facility to be checked out and we... we move on with the show, if we can.

[Chanel #99]

BOLDLY GOING WHERE NO ANGLEMANIA HAS GONE BEFORE
TO INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA
OAOAST WORLD TITLE: ZACK MALIBU VS BOHEMOTH III
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN VS MISTER DICK WITH SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE LINDSAY LOHAN
ALFDOGG VS REJECT
PRL VS LEON RODEZ
UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: TODD CORTEZ VS JAMES BLONDE WITH SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE LANDON MADDIX
OAOAST TAG TITLES: LDC $MONEYGANG$ VS TEAM HEYROSS
MORGAN NERDLY VS JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN
12 TEAM TAG TEAM GAUNTLET

[Chanel #99]

We return from commercial with the "main man" of the OAOAST, ANGLESAULT, standing proudly in center ring, where a table has been set up.

ANGLESAULT
Tonight, it is my pleasure to welcome both champion and challenger out here, the two men who will compete for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship at Anglemania VIII this Sunday. Here tonight, we will have the official contract signing. Allow me to introduce at this time, the challenger...BOHEMOTH~!

"LIberate" hits, and the dapper destroyer comes out, looking smooth as always. A burst of cheers comes over the crowd as the Metrosexual Monster approaches the ring, his smirk prominent as fans lunge over the railing, trying to shake a hand or pat him on the back. Bo walks up the steps and greets Anglesault with a handshake, then shakes the ropes, working the crowd into more of a frenzy.

"Getting Away With Murder" replaces his song, however, and the place ERUPTS, as the World Heavyweight Champion makes his way out as well.

ANGLESAULT
And now, the OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...ZACK MALIBU!

Anglesault looks all too proud as his successor, The Franchise of the OAOAST, walks down the aisle, clad in a trendy pinstripe suit. Zack is the picture of confidence as he stops before he enters the ring, noticing Bo eyeing the World Title. Zack enters the ring and shakes Anglesault's hand, then Bo's, a show of civility between the two friends despite that they are just days away from being on opposite sides of the ring.

The two men, on opposite sides of the table, stare each other down. Bo can't seem to take his eyes off of the gold strap thrown over Zack's shoulder.

ANGLESAULT
Gentleman, this Sunday night, we are going to have a bit of Anglemania deja vu. Last year, Zack Malibu and Bohemoth, you two had a bit of a race going on...a friendly competition as you both worked your way back up the ladder of contention. On that night, one year ago, it was you, Bo, who walked away the winner, and it was you Zack, who had his shoulders pinned to the canvas.

Bo smiles, and Malibu solemnly nods his head, vividly recalling the defeat in his mind.

ANGLESAULT
Now, fast forward to this Sunday, and not everything is exactly the same. You two are still two of the top athletes in the game today, and Zack, you have once again claimed the right to call yourself OAOAST World Champion. Bo, Zack has something that you want, that you've craved since the moment you walked thru the doors of this company as nothing more than a heavy for Christian Wright. You've long had championship aspirations, but little did you know that in order to get there, you'd have to go through this man, one of your closest friends.

BO
Honestly, when my time came, I didn't care who I had to go through. Friend, foe, it didn't matter, and it still doesn't. Defeating you for that belt Zack isn't going to change anything. I'm still going to respect you, I'm still going to go over to you and shake your hand when it's all said and done. There's no bitterness, no resentment, nothing except an opportunity that has presented itself to me. The past few months have seen a bit of turmoil and tragedy, and The In Crowd hasn't been the same due to it. You beat Leon, which is something that you never thought you'd have to do. You were in my position just a few months ago, Zack. You know what it's like. But in our business, friendship or not, you have to pick your spots, take your chances, and roll the dice. I have been training. I've been studying tapes that go back to when GreenMist and Mario Logan were relevant. I'm not saying that I've gotten you totally figured out, Zack, I'm just saying that I feel it in my heart that I can beat you Sunday night.

Conversations grow throughout the crowd, as Bo has made a profound statement against his opponent, who now looks to respond.

MALIBU
Bo, you are a hell of a talent. And as far as walking through the doors as Christian Wright's heavy, you've come a long way since then. You've grown to respect this place, and more importantly, this belt. You don't want this belt for any reason other than to prove yourself. Money, power, none of that matters to you. It's just that you want to show the world that you are what you say you are. That you are capable, and that you are deserving of bearing the torch of this company as its leader. Now, its a fact that you beat me last year. Its a fact that you won our little series, and went on a tear. You've made quite the name for yourself in the OAOAST, and 2008 and 2009 thus far have only furthered that sentiment. I'm priveleged to be defending against a deserving talent such as yourself at Anglemania this year, but I'm also a little sad. I'm sad that as a friend, I won't get to see you live out your dream. I'm sad that I have to be the one to break your heart and spirit. I'm sad to tell you that you will NOT be leaving Anglemania with my belt!

More buzzing in the crowd, as tensions mount.

BO
I like that confidence, Zack. But maybe its not my dream that's going to be shattered on Sunday.

MALIBU
Looks like the confidence is an epidemic. That's a good thing, because don't doubt yourself for a second. You are one of the best I've ever seen, and one of the best this company has ever had. At Anglemania though, I'm going to be just *thatmuch* better than you.

BO
For the sake of your title reign, Zack, I wish you well with that. Bring your best. You just better hope its good enough.

With that, Bo signs the contract, and slides it over to Zack, who leans over and signs as well. The two men lock eyes again, and then a handshake seals the deal, as Anglesault takes the contract.

ANGLESAULT
Ladies and gentlemen, your Anglemania main event! Zack Malibu, Bohemoth, the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE ON THE LINE!

Zack's theme music hits, and Bo eyes him as he goes up on the ropes and raises the belt over his head, working the crowd into a frenzy as he salutes them all.

COLE
Could this be the last time that Zack Malibu celebrates with that championship here on HeldDOWN~! And could the outcome of Anglemania tear this friendship apart? We'll get those questions answered on Sunday night, when the OAOAST brings you Anglemania VIII, LIVE on Pay Per View~!

FADE OUT