OAOAST HeldDOWN 3/5/09

[Chanel #99]

PRESENTED IN HD

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLTCXZbCNFU



We cut to sofa central where our announce team, dressed in Anglemania baseball jerseys available at OAOAST Shop, sit ready to welcome us to our little den of insanity.

COLE
Folks, welcome to Green Bay for another exciting episode of the top rated sports entertainment program on television, OAOAST HeldDOWN~! I'm Michael Cole sitting alongside The Coach here in the home of The Packers. A lot to come here tonight but of course, we are coming off of an historic event last week in Boston, The Celtic Spectacular throwing up a major happening as we have a new OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion. Zack Malibu is once again the World Champ, he beat Leon Rodez, but not without some amount of discussion. As we take you back to some of the highlights of that match.

As Cole continues talking, still photos of the match play.

COLE
And as you see, it was a back and forth classic as we had expected going in. Both men igniting the Boston crowd. Arguably one of the best World Title matches we've seen in a long time. Back and forth they went, almost going to a double count-out after a dangerous suplex saw both men crashing to the floor, only to return at the count of 9. Eventually, Leon would manage to fight off Zack and put him in position for the 450 Splash. At this point, we all thought it was over. Leon connected with the 450, referee Mike Chioda counted the one, two and the three and we assumed that was it. However, that wasn't the case.

The still of Leon noticing Zack's foot on the bottom rope stays up.

COLE
There you see, Zack Malibu's foot placed on the bottom rope. It went unnoticed by the referee and the match was over, but Leon refused to take the victory. He refused to win that way, after the controversy mired around his title defence against Mister Dick at AnglePalooza and also at the 300th episode of HeldDOWN against Krista. So Leon demanded that the match was restarted, Mike Chioda realising his mistake agreed and that proved to be perhaps the biggest mistake of Leon Rodez's career.

The last shots show Zack connecting with School's Out, the three count, Zack celebrating with the title and Leon leaving dejectedly.

COLE
With the match restarted, Zack would go on to score with School's Out and win the World Heavyweight Championship for a record fourth time.

Back to Cole and Coach (ew.)

COLE
We're told that the former World Champion will not be in attendance tonight, but we are hoping to hear from the new World Champion Zack Malibu in the course of this broadcast. Of course, all that means that the face of AngleMania VIII in Indianapolis has changed dramatically. The main-event is now signed and sealed for the biggest show of the year. And it will be, one year on from the match that you the OAOAST fans voted as your Match Of The Year, Zack Malibu and Bohemoth one on one. They tore the house down last year in Los Angeles. In Indianapolis, it's Zack/Bohemoth 2 and this time it's for the Heavyweight Championship of the World!

Standing proudly in the center of the ring, ANGLESAULT smiles into the hard camera, mic in hand, as the fans are buzzing loudly throughout the crowd.

ANGLESAULT
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and my pleasure to introduce to you the NEW OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...ZAAAAAAAAAAAACK MAAAAAAAAAALIBUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

The crowd roars loudly, as "Getting Away With Murder" is cued up, and jockeys with the fans for the loudest sound in the arena! Through the golden sparks that shower the entranceway, ZACK MALIBU emerges, dressed in black dress pants and a dark blue dress shirt. The OAOAST World Title is slung proudly over his shoulder, but Malibu pauses for a moment to raise the belt over his head, drawing the fans into cheering even louder, if that's even possible!

COLE
His lucky number is "3", but "4" turned out to be just as lucky for Zack Malibu, because that's how many times he's held our championship!

COACH
And that's four times too many, Cole. Ol' Hack Malibu has gone pretty far with very little, and now he's done it at the expense of one of his boys!

COLE
While Leon Rodez certainly must feel dejected over losing his prized championship, I don't think the friendship between Zack and Leon has suffered at all. It was a bout between two men, former World Tag Team championshp partners at that, who have the utmost respect for each other.

COACH
Respect this, respect that...respect don't put food on the table, Mikey Cole. Championship belts do, and when Leon Rodez' paycheck is lower than it's been lately, he'll see the light.

As Coach tries to stir things up and Michael Cole does his best to sway him from it, the World Champion enters the ring, where he's greeted by Anglesault, the founder of the company and the man who passed the torch to Malibu six years ago at Anglemania II. He hands Zack the mic and exits, looking back proudly from the apron like a father would to his son, before exiting the arena.

"ZACK!"
"ZACK!"
"ZACK!"

The chant goes up immediately, and Zack is all smiles as he pats the sixteen pounds of gold dangling off his shoulder.

MALIBU
First of all, I know there's a lot of celebrating to be done, and that will come in due time. My first order of business as World Champion right now is to say something to a man that I call friend...in fact, he's my best friend. Leon Rodez, my Usual Suspects tag team partner, a member of The In Crowd, and someone who has always been there for me no matter what. You did this belt proud, you gave it your all every night you stepped into the ring to defend it, just like you've given your all since the moment you walked into the OAOAST. It was my honor to battle you for this belt, I thank you for the opportunity, and I want you to know that you are beloved and respected and you will always be remembered as one of the hardest working wrestlers in this company. So, people, GIVE IT UP FOR LEON RODEZ, RIGHT NOW! C'MON!

Zack cheerleads, waving the crowd on, as a loud cheer goes up, then breaks off into chants of "LEON!", "LEON!", "LEON!"

MALIBU
Now, secondly...the more things change the more they stay the same. I had to battle one friend to get to this moment, celebrating my fourth OAOAST World Title victory. Now, just as quickly as I won it, I'm back in the same situation, because I am heading to Anglemania as the OAOAST World Champion, and there is going to be a man standing across the ring from me that night that I'm all too familiar with. A man who has been both friend and foe, and a man who one year ago at Anglemania, pinned my shoulders to the mat one, two, three. Last year he showed me that he had what it took to survive in this business, and he earned my respect for an eternity by getting in that ring and doing what he said he was going to do without any shortcuts. At Anglemania, it's you and me again, Bo, and I will be more than happy to even things up as far as our Anglemania matches go. The match might be a repeat, but I can't say that the outcome will be. Because new life has breathed into Zack Malibu. The threat of The Enterprise was vanquished at Anglepalooza. Candie, my love, sent Alison back into purgatory, likely to never be seen again. And now, I stand before you once again the OAOAST World Champion. A wave of momentum is carrying me to Anglemania, Bo, and it's going to carry me to victory that night!

The crowd cheers, enjoying everything that Malibu has just said. Just then, "Liberate" by Disturbed hits, and the crowd cheers wildly again, this time for the arrival of the number one contender!

COLE
Things are about to pick up here tonight!

COACH
With another face to face lovefest? Please, Mikey Cole. Call me when a fan hops the rail and tries to cut one of them.

Bo, clad in a swank pinstripe suit with his trademark tinted sunglasses, is all smiles as he walks down to the ring. He steps into the ring, and he and Zack go nose to nose, with Bo pointing at the belt that rests on Zack's shoulder, and then to himself. Bo then steps back, and he and Zack give each other the once-over before shaking hands, and Bo grabs another mic.

BO
Zack, I told you in the back the other night, but let me say it in front of all these people here...CONGRATULATIONS on becoming the OAOAST World Champion once again!

The fans applaud Zack's gesture, and Malibu mouths "Thank You" off mic.

BO
Now, celebrations aside, let's look ahead to Anglemania. THE event. MY event. Because last year, Zack, not only did I earn your respect, but I earned my NAME at Anglemania last year. I was able to prove to you, to the guys and girls in the back, and to the world, that I was more than just a flunky. That I was my own man, and that I could walk my own path. No jumping people from behind, no attacks in the back...it was about you, me and RESPECT. We went to the limit, and there were certainly times where I thought you had my number...but I fought you off. I resisted every time a School's Out or an Angle Slam put me on the canvas, and in the end a star was born at Anglemania. Now, that star has kept rising, Zack. Not only did I beat you at Anglemania, but I beat you again, ending our little competition last year. I do respect you, Zack. I consider you a friend and a mentor, but now that I already have your respect, there's just one other thing that I need to prove to you, to myself, and to the world that I can gain...and that's that big gold belt in your hands right now. It doesn't matter if it would have been Leon, or anyone else. It's an unfortunate place to be in, but you can't fight fate, Zack. You know that more than anyone. This is my destiny, and if I have to pin you to the mat one more time to show the world that I can be OAOAST World Champion, I will do it without hesitation.

The mood becomes tense, and Malibu soaks in the revelations of his friend before carrying on.

MALIBU
Bo, I know exactly where you're coming from. I know that you feel it's your time to carry the torch, and I agree completely that you're ready for it. I have no doubt in my mind that you can beat me...you've proven it before, and you're hungry enough, motivated enough to do it again. But you also know that I'm at MY best when my back is against the wall, and now, it's not just respect at stake. It's about being the MAN, the Franchise, whatever you want to call it. This belt isn't just a prop, it's a symbol of everything that I've worked for, and one day, it will be a symbol of everything that you've worked for. If you think it's going to be at Anglemania, though, that's the one point we disagree on.

BO
I guess we're gonna have to wait and see, right Zack?

MALIBU
I guess so.

BO
Well, until then...

Bo comes forward and extends a hand, which Zack obliges to...but then Zack gets pulled in close by Bo, who takes the World Title from off his shoulder! Staring at it in his hands, Bo looks back up at Zack, then back down at the belt...and then hands it over to the World Champion without incident!

COACH
He shoulda hit him with it! Split his wig, ya pussy!

Bo exits the ring, and from the aisle, makes the "you and me" motion to Zack, who nods his head with approval, his first defense of the OAOAST World Championship coming against another man he calls friend.

COLE
Zack's been painted into a corner right from the start of his fourth reign, winning it from one friend and having to combat another at the biggest event of the year! Bohemoth seems ready, so will he be able to repeat his performance from last year's Anglemania? Make sure to join us that fateful night and find out!

[Chanel #99]

Backstage the world stands on the brink of destruction!

No, no it doesn't. Actually Jade Rodez-Duncan....



is seen in mid conversation with her BFF


Melody Nerdly

JADE
She probably just needs a friend.

MELODY
Ha! Who would wanna Morgan's friend? Its like befriending Darkseid.

JADE
Who?

MELODY
From Superman? Interdimensioal being of evil? Jade you need to keep up on current events. How can you ever hope to hold adult conversations?  

JADE
You just compared your sister to a monster from a comic book.

MELODY
Okay so she's not Malaysia bad. But she had issues.

JADE
Mom says a lot of issues are created in childhood which is the explanation when Alix blows something up under the premise of raising her dead goldfish to be a super zombie. I bet you all weren't very nice to her when she was kid.

MELODY
Have you ever seen me mean?

JADE
You bit Tyler when he failed out on Rock Band.

Melody can't believe Jade would bring up such an incident and is almost hurt by the accusation.

MELODY
He was playing the easiest song, he deserved it. If you flunk out on wuss mode on "Who Are You" you deserve some serious pwnge. I was doing my duty as a gamer.

JADE
Okay, we'll let the biting thing pass, I suppose. But you weren't very nice to Morgan were you?

Melody tries to find the best way to lie, but comes up empty handed and only shrugs her shoulders in guilt.

MELODY
I can't speak for myself, but I can speak for other people and no they weren't. She was born prematurely and was very sick, the doctors weren't sure she'd make it. I guess no one wanted to get attached when she was a baby and it just carried on over. Plus, Maggie came along right after Morgan was born so our parents pretty much neglected her. The only one she ever got along with was Melissa and all Melissa did was just boss her around and pretend to be her friend. But truthfully she only saw Morgan as a servant to do her evil bidding. Like Toad and Magneto from X-men.

JADE
Had to throw in a comic book reference.

MELODY
I'm speaking in languages you can understand.

JADE
I don't understand it. That's what I keep trying to tell you. None of it! But, whatever, from what you just told me it sounds like Morgan needs a friend more than anything.

MELODY
And you're going to be that friend? I always tell people, well people who will listen past the "My family is a lot like the x-men" comment, that Malaysia is a lot like Sabretooth, a horrible killer beyond redemption that hurts because she loves i, and Morgan is like Wolverine, a horrible killer that hurts because she doesn't know any better. Are you the Professor Xavier, here to tame and befriend our family's Wolverine.

JADE
Xavier is the one that shoots  lasers from his eyes?

MELODY
Jade, what would your mother say if she saw you butchering such basic X-Men lore. For shame!

JADE
I feel bad. I just don't want to see her suffer. And Leon's done enough wrong to your family, I guess I have to be the one with Rodez blood to set it all right.  Mom wouldn't sit by and let Morgan suffer...

MELODY
That's only because your mother would use as it an excuse to lez her up.

JADE
The point remains!

MELODY
She has friends. Lorelei and VICE.

JADE
Those aren't friends. Those are punishments from god. No one should ever have to live with that!

MELODY
Hey, what about your gramps wanting to fight Mister Dick?

JADE
Oh god, don't mention that. Its just awful. Maya is hysterical, Mom is withdrawn and depressed, Grandma...not aloud to use that word...Miss Duncan is laying on huge guilt on mom, Alix is mourning the loss of funding for her zombie goldfish projects, and no one can reason with him. He just won't listen. I tried asking Leon for advice but that was like speaking to a brick wall.

MELODY
He's in a pretty bad spot and all losing his title. I get mad if I lose the remote, I imagine a title has to be pretty tough.

JADE
He'll get over it, hopefully. I have bigger problems when Mister Dick wants to slaughter my grandfather. And Morgan has bigger problems to. If none of you ever want to be nice to her then I'll try.

We cut to The Enterprise dressing room where Lorielei clutches onto a class of wine, watching the TV with narrowed eyes. Behind her Detective Bosley alternates his viewing between the large HD tv and the Aubrey O'Day issue of Playboy.  

LORIELEI
This is not good.

DETECTIVE BOSLEY
Eh, what's it matter? Let the kid make a friend. You know I bet will happen? They'll be out clubbin and they'll get real drunk one day, and the other will start lookin' good and its gonna be some serious titty sucking, baby!

LORELEI
Good lord, think before you talk. Is it too much to ask that you do that? One, two, three, four, five, self censor, then talk. Please. This isn't good because Jade has no business befriending Morgan.

DETECTIVE BOSLEY
You swing both ways, I bet you roll up on them when they in that experimenting mood, just slide your hand right between 'em, groove on to that thing they got going on, I bet you could get some of it.

LORELEI
For one second could you please stop being an idiot? Thank you. Obviously you don't see the problem in this. Fortunately I do, and fortunately I can correct it.


COMING UP NEXT
NEW YORK'S FINEST VS BEVERLY HILLS MEANEST
SPENCER REIGER VS SIMON SINGLETON
NEXT

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

BOLDLY GOING WHERE NO ANGLEMANIA HAS GONE BEFORE
TO INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA

The red carpet already rolled out, Simon Singleton heads ringside along with his fellow Beverly Hills Blond to the tune of "Superstar" by Lupe Fiasco.

BUFFER
The following contested is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Beverly Hills, California, and weighing 225 pounds, he is one half of the famed Beverly Hills Blonds... "BOX OFFICE" SSSIIIIIIMMMMOOOOOONN SSSSIIIIIINNGGLLLLEEEEETTOOOOOOONN!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Simon removes his vest and loosens up inside as he awaits his opponent.

COLE
It was last week at the Celtic Spectacular that Simon Singleton and Ned Blanchard defeated their former Enterprise partners Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright for the 2009 Anderson Cup, thus retaining the rights to the BHB name the Enterprise claimed ownership of and the return of Simon’s personal camera, the Siclopse, which Moneymaker had V.I.C.E. steal a few months back and said to currently be “in the mail.” You’d think Moneymaker could have FedEx it.

COACH
Teddy’s just being a patriot mailing it USPS. But you skipped the real highlight of the Anderson Cup Finals.

COLE
I was about to get to that.

COACH
Riiiight.

Down the ramp comes Molly, holding the gaudy golden trophy and absolutely whooping for joy. The Blonds wave to her, eagerly awaiting both their manager and their gigantic trophy. But their joyful expression quickly turns dour when they notice Spencer Reiger emerging through the back. Like a thief through the night New York’s finest sneaks behind Molly, and with one swift motion manages to sneak the trophy out her hands!

Spencer outrages both The Blonds and the audience alike when he chucks the trophy off the stage. Its not to water side either, as it lands on the concrete shattering into hundreds of pieces of splintered wood and chipped metal. Molly and her charges are left to stare with horrified eyes as a celebrating Spencer Stanky Legs his way backstage.

COLE
Needless to say, the Blonds are still fuming.

COACH
They’re lucky all Spencer broke was a trophy and not their bones. I seem to recall an incident just a few short weeks ago where Simon and Ned sucker punched him during an interview, which you and everyone else seem to have forgotten.

COLE
I remind you it was Spencer Reiger who interrupted that interview. The man got what he deserved.

"The World is Mine" by David Guetta hits and a whole bunch of lights and shit flash because Patty gave Spencer Reiger a spectacular entrance I don‘t feel like writing.  All you need to know is SR makes it to the ring in one peace.

BUFFER
And his opponent, hailing from Manhattan, New York, and weighing in at 210 pounds… "THE ONE MAN TRIPLE THREAT" of looks, skills and charisma... SSSSPPPEEEEEEEEENNCCCCCEEEEEEERRRRR... RRRREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Reiger sees the fire in Singleton’s eyes and does a 180 back up the aisle.

COLE
What is this?  

COACH
A man showing good judgment.  This is supposed to be a competition, Cole, and you can tell winning is the furthest thing on the mind of Simon Singleton right now. He’s got evil intentions.

COLE
And we just documented why. Spencer Reiger is trying to avoid what he’s got coming to him.

Simon won’t let Spencer off this easy though. He goes out and brings him in the hard way. Tossed inside Reiger calls for a time out…but there are no time outs in wrestling, and Simon kicks him in the midsection!

* DINGDINGDING *

The bell officially sounds but Simon has long since been wailing away on Spencer Reiger. Instructed to back away because Spencer is in the corner, Simon reluctantly does so. This prompts Reiger to sell a phantom eye poke in hopes of drawing a cheap disqualification. Instead all he gets is a blank stare from the official that basically says “Take that weak shit out of here, son. This isn’t the NBA.”

COACH
This referee needs to be fined and suspended, Mikey Cole. A wrestler voices a complaint and he disregards it like yesterday’s news.

COLE
Maybe if Spencer didn’t try to insult the official’s intelligence with that embarrassing attempt to draw a DQ.

Simon and Spencer circle around before locking up, and Spencer takes Simon to the mat with a side headlock takeover.

ONE!

Simon raises his shoulder off the mat and scissors the head of Spencer. Reiger quickly escapes and charges into the very move he had B.O.S.S. in moments ago! But he, too, utilizes a head scissors and Simon floats on top.

ONE!

TW--

Spencer bridges up and out, clubbing Simon across the shoulders. He then attempts an Irish whip only to have it reserved. Decked on the rebound by a dropkick Reiger bails to the floor where he threatens to fight a group of hecklers.

COLE
A rough early going for the self-proclaimed One Man Triple Threat.

COACH
Yeah, because Simon keeps breaking every rule in the book.

COLE
Name one.

COACH
…

Spencer returns to lock back up with Simon and gains the upper hand courtesy of a cheap shot. He hammers away on Singleton who returns fire with a series of stinging overhand chops. Reiger swings wildly and gets CRUCIFIX!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

The Prodigy reverses a whip and places Simon in an ABDOMINAL STRETCH~!

COACH
We’re rocking to the oldies tonight, Mikey. It’s not often we get to see the old abdominal stretch nowadays.

COLE
I’m still waiting for you to name me one rule Simon has broken in this match.

COACH
And I’m still waiting for an anvil to drop on your head!

Simon uses a hip toss to escapes Spencer‘s grip, and then heads for the top slowly.

COLE
Simon obviously still hurting from the abdominal stretch.

COACH
Well DUH, stupid. Spencer wouldn’t have used the hold if it didn’t inflict pain.

And New York’s Finest inflicts a lot of pain CROTCHING SIMON ON THE TOP ROPE!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

Spencer climbs onto the middle rope and delivers a SUPERPLEX!!

The cover is made and Reiger nonchalantly holds a finger in the air following each count.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- KICKOUT!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

SPENCER


Once the shock wears off Spencer introduces Simon violently into the turnbuckle, and then unloads a barrage of rights. “He doesn’t look so tough now!” Reiger shouts at Ned Blanchard, the Handsome Hustler’s eyes lit with rage. But the remark also serves to fire up Simon.

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Spencer clutches his chest in agony, and then is fired into the ropes…but Simon telegraphs a backdrop and is hooked REIGER COUNTER!

NO!

Double leg takedown leads to a SLINGSHOT! Reiger shoots back at Singleton and a vicious PILEDRIVER!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- KICKOUT!

COACH
I won’t lie, Cole. I thought it was over right there.

COLE
So did I.

Simon points to the top and the crowd rises as he scales the turnbuckles.

CLAPBOARD LEGDROP!!






NOBODY HOME!!!

Reiger quickly returns to his feet and rushes the nearest corner to perform a MOONSAULT!

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- KICKOUT!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

SPENCER


COLE
I don’t blame you for being shocked, young man. Nobody here can believe it either. But what a match we’re seeing.

Fired into the corner Simon leaps onto the middle turnbuckle and back at New York’s Finest with a FLYING CROSSBODY….

…BUT REIGER ROLLS THROUGH AND GRABS A HANDFUL OF TRUNKS!!

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

Ned yanks Spencer off.

SPENCER


As the two exchange words, Simon dropkicks Spencer from behind, knocking him outside. Blanchard shows his hands for the referee’s benefit. Reiger then lunges over and SLAPS the Handsome Hustler! The more hotheaded of the Blonds, Ned chases after Spencer who dives back inside only to notice Simon in his path, fist cocked.  So he does what any brave fighter would do -- throw his hands in the air and hightail it!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Where have we seen this before, Spencer Reiger throwing in the towel early?

COACH
The odds are stacked against him, Cole. It’s like watching a Spurs game officiated by Joey Crawford!  

COLE
Spencer Reiger is the one who got Ned Blanchard involved!

COACH
Oh yeah, blame the other guy. You ought to be president.

Stunned as anybody, the BHB allow the referee to administer the 10 count.  

ONE…

TWO…

THREE…

FOUR…

FIVE…

SIX…

SEVEN…

EIGHT…

NINE…

TEN!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner as the result of a count out… "BOX OFFICE" SSSIIIIIIMMMMOOOOOONN SSSSIIIIIINNGGLLLLEEEEETTOOOOOOONN!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

“Superstar” is cued and Simon’s hand is raised in victory, though not the way he’d have preferred it.

COLE
During the break we'll try to get ahold of Spencer Reiger for an interview. So whatever you do, ladies and gentlemen, don't you dare go away. HeldDOWN~! returns in a moment.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

At our backstage interview position former OAOAST superstar turned broadcaster Tony Brannigan is with Spencer Reiger.

BRANNIGAN
I’m joined right now by the Terrell Owens of the OAOAST, Spencer Reiger.

SPENCER
Terrell Owens?!

BRANNIGAN
You heard correctly, because like the disgraced former Dallas Cowboys receiver when things get tough you quit and complain!

SPENCER
Quit hating and get your facts right, Brannigan. There’s a difference between quitting and living to fight another day. You call 2 against 1 fair? I had Simon Singleton on the ropes. He was about to go down any second before Ned Blanchard interfered. They’re like you and the rest of the OAOAST Galaxy -- jealous! You all notice the looks, skills and charisma I have and say to yourselves, if only I had those qualities I wouldn’t be stuck working behind a desk…holding a microphone…or standing in the unemployment line. Well you are because you don’t! That’s why I am the One Man Triple Threat, and a threat to every OAOAST superstar, especially those with gold belts around their waists. Even a couple of dumb blonds like Simon Singleton and Ned Blanchard realize their wrestling biological clock is ticking, so if rising young superstars such as myself got taken out of the picture their shelf life would be extended a few months.

BRANNIGAN
You’re a real piece of work.

SPENCER
No, I’m driven to succeed. And it’s that drive that leads me to what I’m about to say. It’s only fitting that you’re here for it because you were there too. There when the Beverly Hills Blonds demanded Theodore Moneymaker face them like a man to settle their score. Now I’m issuing the same challenge to them for next week. The Beverly Hills Blonds vs. Spencer Reiger and a partner of his choice. No 2 against 1 this time, and to ensure we have a winner I say put your guaranteed tag title shot at AngleMania VIII on the line.  

BRANNIGAN
Wait a minute, Reiger. They earned the right to compete for the One & Only World tag team championship by winning the Anderson Cup. You weren’t even a participant!

SPENCER
That’s because I didn’t have a partner. But I do now. And we’re going to AngleMania, baby!

SR exits.

BRANNIGAN
That’ll do it here. Let’s go back to you guys at Sofa Central.

[Chanel #99]

Moments before the music hits, the arena lights darken and the spotlights focus on the entrance. Phillip Remington is lifted to the top of the platform near the entrance during the intro of the song (O Fortuna velut luna statu variabilis) and he walks leisurely towards the ring during the prechorus. He stands in the middle of the ring, head slightly bowed, hands crossed over is waist then slowly rises them in a triumphant arc while the chorus plays and a barrage of pyro goes off. Remington adjusts the cuffs of his suit jacket as he makes his way down to the ring, refusing to even acknowledge the crowd. He ascends the steps with perfect posture and steps through the ropes, only now deigning to look to the assembled people around the ring. He turns and motions to the announcer for his microphone.

Lights dim as the opening of "Rock Star, Jason Nevin remix" begins. The lights switch to an alternating strobe pattern as Thunder steps through the curtain and stops to survey the arena. He hops on the balls of his feet, throws some quick punches, mic in hand, and runs his way down the ring. Thunder slides in, rolls to his feet and sports a goofy grin as the music fades.

Then he turns and looks at the other man in the ring. He looks absolutely confused. "I... um... thought this was my time. Could you, y'know, maybe leave while I do my thing, y'know? I've got a..." Thunder pats at his tights. "Oh, right, I don't have any pockets. Well, I'm going to make this up as I go because I can't memorize the script."

PR, standing there in the ring, looks at Thunder with an expression of disgust and disbelief. He reaches over the ropes, signaling for a mic then turns to face him, "Get the hell out," while waving his hand dismissively.

Thunder tilts his head to the side. "Now, them ain't kosherized rules. You could at least say please or maybe give me a Pepsi or something." Johnny walks a circle around him. "I mean, really? Seriously? YOU want ME to leave?" PR keeps his eyes on him as Thunder walks around him. He relaxes and gives him a winning smile, "You're right, it was awfully uncouth of me. I find that it always pays to use good manners and sportsmanship. Put her there!" he says, offering his hand for a shake.

Thunder breaks out a big grin. "Hey, now that sounds like a good idea. Put 'er there, fella." Thunder grabs the man's hand and shakes vigorously, up and down frantically like a hyperactive child.

PR reacts with a brief expression of surprise and concern cross his features which he quickly hides, replacing it with a grin of his own during the handshake. His free hand behind his back, he tightens his grip on the mic and walloping him on the head with it. Looming over him he says, "That's what happens to those who interfere with my business!"
PR stands over Thunder's prone form, He leans forward to get in his face, "This is my house, do you understand you repugnant wretch? What in the world made you think you were even worthy of being in my presence, let alone in this ring?”

Thunder pulls himself to the ropes, his legs wobbly and his eyes with that far-away, goofy expression in contrast with the blank, goofy expression he showed up with. He manages to get to a wobbly, but still vertical, base. PR glares at him, his hand shaking around the microphone when Johnny leaps into the air and backflips to strike PR over the head with a Pele kick.

PR had just tossed his mic away and turned away from Thunder after his rant. He hears Thunder getting up and turns to face him, right into the arc of that kick. It misses him, but he falls and scrambles cowardly away over the ropes and onto the floor, turning to face him, pointing at him and talking shit, pointing at him but also backing away from the ring, trying to save face as he leaves.

COLE
To striking debuts here om HeldDOWN! The road to Anglemania just got a bit more rocky with those two around. The rest of the superstars backstage need to be on high alert!

MARCH 26th
CHARLOTTE NORTH CAROLINA
ANGLEMANIA REMATCH NIGHT
FEATURING THE LONG AWAITED RETURN OF CHICKS OVER DICKS AGAINST CHRISTIAN WRIGHT AND THEODORE MONEYMAKER
PLUS MORE!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN is Brought to You Buy

JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN FOR SKINID NEUTROGENA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBsmOKzctBM

Nonpoint’s cover of the Phil Collins’ classic brings the arena fans to their feet. Then they remember this is CPA’s music and they promptly sit right back down. CPA doesn’t seem to care much about the fans, merely puffing on a cigar as he hides behind smooth sun glasses.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of ten minutes! Now making his way to the ring fighting out of Miami, Flordia and representing VICE he is CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN!

Allen reaches the ring where a young man, of slight and small stature waits for him. Inside an Eskimo concert, he stands wide eyed almost afraid of the challenging match that’s upcoming.

COLE
Eskimo Kid a fine youngster from Alaska getting his training in our developmental systems OAOVW. Started watching the OAOAST in 2002 back when he was 12 years old, and says his favorite wrestler wasn’t Mystery Eskimo, but CWM. At 18 years old lets see what the kid has for us!

DING DING DING

Right as the bell rings, CPA stabs Eskimo Kid in the gut with a sharp kick. The Alaskan nearly falls over, but he’s kept aloft by Allen’s firm grip on the back of his head. The security chief drags EK over to the corner and cruelly slams his youthful face into the turnbuckle posts.  EK stumbles out from the corner, clutching his sore face. His pain only grows worse when  CPA charges forward and leaves him lying with a lariat to his back.

COACH
Do you think he has any polar bear friends? Disney has told me that Indians are wise, slow talkers with special bonds to speaking animals or doe eyed savages that easily fall for the whiteman’s tricks.

CPA thumps his fist against his chest, in part to taunt the crowd and in part to fill his foe with fear. Both goals seem to work as the audience boos and EK makes a slow rise upright.  Despite this lethargic movement, he’s able to catch CPA slacking with several right hands to the midsection.

COLE
Lots of energy from this kid from Alaska!

COACH
They need to do a better job of teaching ‘em how to take beatings in OAOVW. You’re not supposed to fight back!

Once done battering CPA with strikes, EK latches onto his wrist and throws him to the ropes. But on CPA’s return, EK’s offense comes to a sudden end when an elbow is driven into the side of his face. He staggers to his side, trying to keep his balance in the face of such a lethal foe. These efforts are totally wasted once the former boxer twists his body around and drops him with a powerful left hand!

COACH
That’s how you take a beating! See? You’re learning, kid.

CPA stands over the fallen Eskimo Kid, regarding him with intense disdain, wondering if the weakling is even worth his effort. Deciding that he is at least worth some time, he brings the Alaskan off the canvas and shoves him into a neutral corner.  EK doesn’t stay in that position for long as he’s whipped across the ring to the opposite corner. He lands with a hard and painful impact against the posts, his small body almost broken in half.  Unsympathetic to his opponent’s suffering, Allen darts in and smashes his arm against the boys’ chest.

“OOOOOOOH!” the Green Bay fans wince as the mortally wounded Eskimo Kid starts to stumble away from the corner. While he struggles merely to remain conscious his overpowering opponent makes a run to the ropes. The cables spit him back and he uses his arm like a jousting stick to level EK with a GIGATON PUNCH!

COACH
Knockout!

CPA with the cover….

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING DING DING!

Not considering his bout with Eskimo Kid much of a match, Allen departs the ring without even bothering to have his hand raised by the referee.

BUFFER
The winner of this match as a result of pinfall….CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN!

COACH
Back to OAOVW with ya kid, the next Spencer Reiger ya ain’t!

COLE
And thank god for that! Folks we'll be back with more after these commercial messages.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Folks, earlier this week the Deadly Alliance was in Los Angeles for a press conference that rocked the world! Let's take a look.


OMNI HOTEL LOS ANGELES

The 6 people that make up the Deadly Alliance sit at a table on a stage at the front of the Omni’s main conference room with their new leader Reject standing behind the main podium. All 4 male members are dressed for success in pleated navy suits. Well, except for Sandman, who’s idea of formal wear consists of replacing his bandanas with silk ties to cover his face.

REJECT
Hello, hello, hello. Everybody, thank you for coming. You could be anywhere in the world right now, but you’re here with us. We appreciate that, and we’re gonna make sure you don’t regret it. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Deadly Alliance let me give you some background information. We are the New York Yankees of the sports and entertainment world. We’ve got all the best performers, we’ve won the most championships and we’re hated beyond all belief just because we’re so great. You have myself a blueprint and prototype of the ideal athlete and entertainment. There’s my right-hand man ThunderKid, he’s like the Da Vinci of the OAOAST, his performances are pure works of art. Then there’s the Sandman, and I’m gonna watch what I say because I don’t wanna find a kendo stick coming at me after this. There are some guys you don’t want to meet in a dark alley, and then there’s Sandman, and you wouldn’t want to meet him even an alley lit by a 1000 watt bulb!  The fourth member is our newest member. He is without a shadow of a doubt the fastest rising star in the OAOAST, laying waste routinely to celeb icon Krista Isadora Duncan and a few other less important characters like the ex-world champ that used to be a pornstar and this strange Cuban kid with a squeaky voice that impersonates The Rock. He’s my friend and my equal, Mister Dick! Behind all these good men are even greater women. We wouldn’t have any of the success we’ve ever had without the prides of Nerdly family backing us up. Please give a round of applause for the love of my life Melissa Nerdly and her sister Malaysia!      

Melissa takes a bow, while Malaysia merely offers a small grin.

REJECT
I now turn things over to the incomparable Mister Dick Jock Mulligan.

Mister Dick and Reject exchange handshakes as the former makes his way up to the main podium.  Reject takes a seat where Mister Dick had sat.

MISTER DICK
I thank you, Reject, I thank you kindly. I remember this time last year I felt like quittin the OAOAST and the whole sports and entertainment industry. I was stuck in a tag team called The Lonestar Gunslinger and my life was nothing short of hell on earth, no lie to ya. I was surrounded by horrible demon sprits cast at me by my manger, Melody Nerdly, who I truly believe was sent by the devil himself to torment me. I was saddled with a hillbilly chump of a partner that didn’t have no since to him. The boy would’ve tied his shoe laces to a moving truck cause he thought it’d get him where he gotta go faster he was that stupid. I left the team after I was brutally attacked by my partner, an attack that saw him accidentally trip through a window. That was the only thing that saved my life from his awful rampage. But the whole summer I was forced to fight off his constant attempts on my very life. I would’ve broke down a beaten man if it weren’t for Malaysia standing by my side. But she was the only one to pick up arms with me. Everyone turned against me! People I thought were my friends ain’t want nothing to do with me. Then came my ongoing war with Krista Isadora Duncan. I’m just honest boy from San Antonio that loves his dogs and his football and his papy. I never meant nobody no harm, but people been treatin me like I shot the sherrif and the deputy. I ain’t some fancy New York Times best seller or red carpet superstar. And that wasn’t enough for some people. Everyone I knew turned on me by then. I wasn’t good enough to cheer for against the celebrity. It hurt me to my soul. But a couple of good honest everyday folk saw the good in me. Even though their idiot leader at the time didn’t want nothin’ to do with me, they knew what kind of gentlemen I was and extended the offer of friendship to me. Thank you, fellas.

REJECT
Hey, it was our pleasure.

MISTER DICK
And its my pleasure to pass along that act of kindness.  I don’t claim to keep up with the gossiping and all that, I’m more of a Sports Illustrated kinda guy than a People man. But, I just couldn’t happen to help but overhearing that my girl Krista’s got a problem with one Lindsay Lohan. Something about Krista neglecting to invite her to the 300th HeldDOWN and snubbin all her telephone calls. Don’t that just beat all? You got a 50,000 seat stadium, you probably draggin in convicts on good bheavoir from San Quentin just to fill it up, and somehow Krista neglects to tell her agent to leave a little ticket at the comp window for her friend. Now ain’t that a shame? Angleslam was in my hometown San Antonio and I had tickets for everyone from my daddy to the fat kid I used throw spitballs at in 7th grade math class.

Reject leans forward into his nearby microphone.

REJECT
Contrary to his nickname, Jock is decent sort and he knows how to treat his friends. And what Krista did isn’t how you treat a friend. You wouldn’t even treat a dog off the street like that! We’ve seen Lindsay give interview after interview wondering why Krista treated her so bad. Hey, I’ll tell you why, its because Krista is a mirror obsessed, rotten human being.  That’s no lie right there. The best Krista could respond with is a half hearted apology in the middle of her weekly insulting of Terry Taylor.

MISTER DICK
That don’t sound like no friend to me. Where I come from that sounds like an enemy. Ya’ll know how the old saying goes. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Now I ain’t had the pleasure of meeting Miss Lohan up until about a week ago. But cause her issue with Krista and my issue with her to, it was like we was long lost twin siblings. I understood her hurt and her anger, because god damn it, I been shunned and I bet put down to! I’ve had disrespect thrown in my face by people I thought was my friends, and I didn’t even get no half ass apology. As far as I’m concerned Lindsay and I are kindred sprits.  We’re two of the same, yin and yang, and all that. As much as I can’t stand to see myself get wronged, I couldn’t stand to watch that fine girl get wronged by Krista. She deserves to be treated like a queen, so that’s why me and the boys are invited her to dine with kings! Please welcome to the table of royalty, the newest member of The Deadly Alliance….LINDSAY LOHAN!


!!!!

To shocked gasps from the members of the press conference, Lindsay Lohan herself makes her way onto stage. Hugs are given to Melissa, slightly frightened pats on the back are passed to Malaysia, and more calming and less worrying handshakes are exchanged between her and the male members of the stable. Reject shifts himself down the table so that Lindsay may sit nearest the main podium.

THUNDERKID
It as an honor and privilege to have you as a member of the Deadly Alliance. This is a dream come true. There have been many times on the road were Sandman and myself have stayed up into the wee hours of the morning sharing tears while watching Georgia Rule or holding each other in laughter while watching Mean Girls. Isn’t that right, Sandy?

SANDMAN


LINDSAY
Well thank you. It’s a pleasure to be among people who love and care. I’m delighted to have friends that will treat me with the kind of respect I deserve. After dealing with such a toxic and poisonous creature like Krista, I feel like I’ve been cured from an evil sickness standing here with the Deadly Alliance. A lot of people have said that I should just let the snub go. But certain things turn ugly when you think too hard. And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off.  All I can think about is how I’ve given that woman years of admiration and respect, only to get treated like I’m some member of her fan club. She says she’s with me but I know she doesn’t care. Am I just supposed to get over what she did? Do you all really think I’m made of stone? Baby, you’re wrong. I looked up to her as a mentor and she’s torn me apart and broke me down. I’m done with trying, no more pleading for her friendship in the press. Fade to black I'm sick of trying. Took too much and now I'm done. I have real friends in the Deadly Alliance. Not hanger ons, not leeches, not back stabbers, real friends.  My first act as a member of this group is to happily announce that I am taking on the role as special guest referee between Mister Dick and Krista at Anglemania!

MISTER DICK
Now I’m ridin high! Ya’ll ain’t got no idea the type of officiating we got in the OAOAST. They’re just as likely to spit on yer hand as they are to shake it and if ya’ll wanna do some real investigating reporting, you can ask why they’re as crooked as a snake tied in a pretzel knot.  They make me wanna find the nearest toilet and puke damn near all my guts out. Ya’ll might call me desperate goin’ all out like this with this press conference and what not, challenging Krista’s daddy to a match. But she stepped on Deadly Alliance turf and disrespected all of us, and that’s something you just do not do. What’s gonna happen at Anglemania is I’m gonna take a whole piece out of Krista’s ass. I’m gonna do it for myself, for Lindsay and for the rest of my crew here in the Deasly Alliance. Can that woman beat my ass? Hell no! Can I beat her’s? Hell yeah! Krista I don’t know if yer listening or not or how good yer hearin is. But, I know yer somewhere in this here city, and I bet yer sitting at your little café, sipping your latte or your fruit smoothie, and you ain’t got no idea that you’re in for a whole heap trouble!  By the time you realize it, its gonna be too late!

REJECT
Thank you for coming, and we look forward to leaving you amazed in the future.

The gathered spectators applaud as the Deadly Alliance rises and poses for the pictures of numerous photographers.

MARCH 19th
CALGARY ALBERTA CANADA
CONGRESSIONAL BEAT DOWN
MISTER DICK VS CONGRESSMAN JOEL DUNCAN
OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Over at the catering tables, we find Megan Skye on a coffee run. Which, she quite clearly doesn't enjoy having to do. With a scowl on her face she drains another cup, muttering something about "respected managers" as she does so. As she does this, a frantic looking James Blonde walks by.

Oh, and he's wearing this brand-new shirt.



Spotting Megan, James rushes over, almost spilling the tray of coffees in his rush to get Megan's attention.

BLONDE
Megan, we gotta talk.

MEGAN
What is it now?

BLONDE
I need you to speak to Landon for me, because he's not listening to what I'm trying to tell him. And if he doesn't, we're all going to hell in a handbasket and I can't let it happ...

Sighing, Megan picks up one of the coffees and sets it aside.

MEGAN
Sounds like you've had enough caffeine as it is.

BLONDE
This is SERIOUS Megan! Real serious! I need you to convince Landon to sign off on a US Title match for me.

MEGAN
And why would we do that?

BLONDE
Look, if I tell you, you've gotta believe me. Okay? Todd's not conformed at all. He's planning to ruin Cucaracha Internacional and tear us all apart! He told me so himself! And as long as he's got the United States Title and he's in Landon's good books he's got a good chance of doing it, which is why I need the belt instead. To restore the balance of the group. Because Landon won't hear it!

MEGAN
This isn't another cry for attention is it James?

Pouting, James takes offence to the very suggestion.

BLONDE
I don't know what you mean.

MEGAN
This thing with you and Todd. I don't know what's really going on and I'm not getting drawn into these squabbles between you now, just because he's suddenly popular again. All I know is Landon believes he's finally gotten through to him and I doubt he's going to change that point of view just because I say so.

BLONDE
But he listens to you.

Megan raises an eyebrow in an "oh really?" kind of way.

BLONDE
Then what are we going to do?

MEGAN
We aren't going to do anything. But if you want my advice, if you're really that desperate to be the United States Champion, you're going to have to go about it a different way. Everything is finally going smoothly again for Cucaracha Internacional. He's not going to want to rock the boat just because you might be jealous of Todd.

BLONDE
So what do you suggest?

MEGAN
Just ask yourself one simple question.

Megan points to the letters on Blonde's shirt.

MEGAN
What would Landon do?

Picking up the coffees, Megan walks off muttering again, this time something about "at least someone asks my advice". Left to muse over what Megan meant Blonde grabs his discarded coffee and sips thoughtfully.

NEXT WEEK ON HeldDOWN~!
SPENCER REIGER PUTS HIS MONEY WHERE HIS MOUTH IS
BEVERLY HILLS BLONDS VS SPENCER REIGER AND A PARTNER OF HIS CHOOSING
ANGLEMANIA TAG TITLE SHOT ON THE LINE
NEXT WEEK!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

DUNCAN FAMILY MANSION. MALIBU, CA. TUESDAY. SHOT BY MOLLY NERDLY.


On the expansive (understatement!) back patio of the Duncan Family mansion,



Krista stands overlooking the ocean view that drives the homes price up by millions.  Quickly joining her is her mother,



Genevieve, carrying two martini glasses.

KRISTA
Mom, you brought me a drink. How sweet.

GENEVIEVE
Who said one of them was for you? I had a dream that your father accepted a wrestling match against a character named Mister Dick. And all because his favorite daughter didn't have the common sense to stay out of the inane "sport" in the first place.

Krista turns away from the gorgeous blue ocean to flash a red hot snarl at her mother.

KRISTA
I'm sorry mom, I'm a little busy trying to figure out how to save his ass, to listen to your completely off base criticism of me. But, if you wait a few hours I should be able to listen to you compare my birth to being as painful as sitting through 20 straight viewings of Paul Bart Mall Cop.

GENEVIEVE
Oh, honey, you never were as smart as you thought you were. Everyone told you were, but I always knew you weren't. I assumed you were just too young to realize your ignorance, but a few more years on this planet hasn't helped you.

Krista has a long hard stare for her mother. But the elder Duncan doesn't back down, instead holding even firmer to her ground.

KRISTA
No, but the gentle guidance and decent heart of my mother has done wonders for my manic depression. There are things you don't know, mother, that I do. Even in your gossiping circles and amongst your little spies you can't figure certain things out.

Genevieve opens her mouth very slowly, speaking as though she were trying to calm a raging drunkard.

GENEVIEVE
Krista, darling, what the hell could you know that I haven't already known and deemed useless enough to forget?

KRISTA
You don't know how the mind of the killer works. Mister Dick is a killer in a wrestling ring, and dad is a killer in a political ring. When one killer challenges the other...bad things happen. Usually to both of them. Jock is going to hurt dad. Very badly, because dad challenged him. But when dad heals, he's going to want revenge for me and for himself. And he'll hurt Mister Dick badly to. Jock just thinks he's playing his little wrestling game...  

GENEVIEVE
Krista its time to grow up. You're no longer a little girl, you have to realize your father is no superman. Your dad is only what I, his aids, and a very well crafted public image have made him to be. He's nothing more than that. Why do you think he's never made it any higher than congressman, why hasn't he been senator, or democratic presidential nominee? Because your dad is a fool that's why. He's a damn fool that listens to orders well and that's why he's where he is today. To be a killer you have to be smart.

Krista scowls, and its as though the heat of her anger could actually burn her mother. She turns to walk away as much for Genevieve's safety as for her own peace of mind. But this is one mother not intimidated by her daughter's mood swings, and she follows her at her side.

KRISTA
Don't talk about my father like that.

Genevieve's low voice is frigid, a sharp contrast to how hot Krista's anger burns.

GENEVIEVE
A stupid killer is just an animal, one that kills out of instinct. Your father has challenged another animal, a bigger animal and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You on the other hand are smart.

Krista's palms tingle, she wants so badly just to hit something, too take one of the overpriced statues or flower pots nearby.

KRISTA       
I thought you said-

Genevieve gives off a soft chuckle, that kind that just infuriates Krista all the more.

GENEVIEVE
I said not as smart as you think you are. I've seen what you become, and what you can do when someone pushes you to a certain point. I had to enroll you in three separate kindergardens because of your temper, I know my daughter and the person she can become. So, I didn't just come to lecture you, although that is fun, or for your father's health. By pushing this situation with Mister Jock, you are playing with fire of your own creating.

KRISTA
Obviously you're the super genius capable of deciphering the complex intricacies of human behavior, and I'm the stupid daughter, that eats paste and snacks on paint chips. So tell me. What do you want me to do, mother? Invite him to passover? See if he'd like to come to Uncle Stu's retirement dinner, maybe he can go with our one cousin with the lazy eye and the club foot.

GENEVIEVE
I want you to pull back. I want you to stop.

KRISTA
Nope, sorry, that's not gonna happen. I can't do that. If I let him win, its like Lincoln not freeing the slaves, or whoever was the bad guy in world war I not being stopped by whoever was the good guy, I hated history class you know that, or ABC not airing Three's Company.

GENEVIEVE
Remember the last time you said that about someone? I believe it was Theodore Moneymaker. Your father went to Yale with his dad,despite their opposite politics they were good friends and teammates on the football team. But instead of letting the family mediate your dispute with the Moneymaker's youngest heir, you wound up with a beautiful 18 year old daughter, confused, angry and lonely on your doorstep. Are you ready to find your father's bloody body on your doorstep as well? Think about that.


FADE OUT


COMING UP NEXT
SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N' ROLL
THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS VS THE CHRIST AIR EXPRESS
NEXT!

[Chanel #99]

The camera cuts to the OAOAST HeldDOWN~! interview area where Maggie Nerdly is standing by with Tha Puerto Rican. The crowd cheers loudly.

MAGGIE NERDLY
Sup guys, this is Maggie Nerdly here, with the man who defeated Mr. Dick last Thursday night at the Celtic Spectacular, Tha Puerto Rican! P.R., you've proven to Mr. Dick that you are not the loser that he claimed you were. Now that that's out of the way, what's next for The People's Champ?

THA PUERTO RICAN
First of all, it's about time that the OAOAST stuck me with a better looking, and a better smelling, interviewer!

Maggie blushes at this comment.

THA PUERTO RICAN
As for what's next for Tha Puerto Rican? Well, normally Tha Puerto Rican would go right up to Zack Malibu and challenge him for a match for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship. That's really the one thing I want more than anything at this time. Besides, there has never been a one-on-one match between myself and Zack, and what better time than now to have that match, right Maggie?

MAGGIE NERDLY
You got a point there, P.R.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Good to see we both agree on that! Unfortunately, there is really nothing I can do when it comes to fighting Zack for the OAOAST Championship. Zack Malibu vs. Bohemoth is already signed and will take place at AngleMania VIII. And with Mr. Dick now in the hands of Krista after I did a pretty damn good job laying the smackdown on his candy ass, this leaves The Latin Lion with no one to face at AngleMania VIII. Now normally, I would be upset and annoyed about this...but then, last night, I had an idea. An idea for a match so awesome, it will be talked about for years and years to come. Now, I cannot say much about it yet, but, trust me, Lightning Bolts, I have a match in mind for AngleMania VIII that you are just going to love! You want to talk about AngleMania Moments? Tha Puerto Rican GUARAN-DAMN-TEES that you will get one hell of an AngleMania Moment at AngleMania VIII! This will be a match for the ages! And you will find out what I have in mind soon enough. THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP...HAS...SPO-KUN~!!!

Tha Puerto Rican does The People's Eyebrow to the camera. The crowd cheers loudly.  

A wide shot of the audience can be seen  as "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana begins to waft through the arena. Boos greet the appearance of The Heavenly Rockers, all smiles between the four people on stage. A big smile adorns Logan Mann's face, playing some killer air guitar before pulling in wife Holly for a hug as she sneers at the camera. Behind them Synth is coached by his spiritual advisor, scourge of the family of many scourges, Abdullah Abir Nerdly.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the following tag team contest is set for one fall. On the way to the ring... COLONEL ABULLAH NERDLY presents, the only rock n' wrestling band that matters... also accompanied to the ring by HOLLY... SYNTH ABDUL-JABBAR... LOGAN "MACHO MACHO" MANN… THE HHHEEEEEEEAAAAAVVVEEEEENNLLLLYYYYYYYY... RRRRRRROOOOOOOCCKKEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSS!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
A couple of guys who've been having some problems recently with Jamie O'Hara on our sister program Syndicated. It seems like, for whatever reason, Synth and Logan have taken it upon themselves to try and discredit and embarrass O'Hara and try and make him a laughing stock.

COACH
With a huge assist from O'Hara himself.

Logan climbs to the ring apron, turning to the crowd on the far side and encouraging them to "SING ALONG, YOU KNOW THE WORDS!" Unfortunately this isn't a rock concert and nobody's paid to see Logan, so they respond by booing him. As he and Holly enter the ring, Synth bows his head at ringside in solemn prayer.

COLE
The Rockers seem to have some sort of chip on their shoulder that guys like O'Hara are getting respect and adulation for what they bring to the OAOAST, where-as they claim to be the greatest rock n' wrestling band going and they don't get any.

COACH
Well can you blame them really? These guys are three time Tag Team Champions, bonafide superstars. A guy like O'Hara can do a bunch of flips, but what else does he bring to the table? Nothing! He's a scrawny punk with zero intelligence. That's why the One And Only Jamie O'Hara Federation is tanking so badly.

COLE
Oh don't even bring up that abomination, that farce from the mind of Abdullah Abir.

Much to Abdullah's annoyance his prayers are interrupted noisely as "Like The Angel" hits and the crowd climb to their feet. As the lyrics kick in the twin Nerdly brothers run out and hit the always awesome leaping high-five, setting off a pair of pyrotechnic rockets, one orange and one blue.

BUFFER
And their opponents... from Edmonton, Alberta Canada! Total combined weight, three hundred and seventy pounds... the team of MARV and MEL... THE CHRIST AIR EEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXPPRRRRRREEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

MARV and MEL sprint to the ring and slide in, going up onto adjacent middle turnbuckles to salute the roaring crowd. Hanging back Logan watches from halfway through the ropes, urging referee Charles Robinson to keep the amped up twins back as they leap down in his direction.

COLE
A great reaction for The Christ Air Express, who look to be in high spirits here tonight!

COACH
Canned laughter.

COLE
...Coach... usually when people mock bad jokes, they actually make the sound of canned laughter, not just say "Canned laughter".

COACH
My way's better.

Continuing to lean between the ropes Logan waits until Synth has done meditating and initiates a team conference. It's decided that Logan will start and he carefully comes out from between the ropes.


*DINGDINGDING!*

As Logan leaves his corner, MARV gets the crowd clapping. Not happy Logan yells at the people to knock it off, before going to the corner and getting Synth to cover his ears for him.

COLE
You'd think 'the greatest rock n' wrestling band' would be used to the sound of crowds clapping. I guess they don't get much of that at their concerts. Go figure.

COACH
Canned laughte...

COLE
Would you quit that already!?

Composing himself, Logan locks up with MARV. Quickly he grabs a side headlock and takes him over, nodding his head confidently. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU GREEN BAAAAYYY!" he yells, to a chorus of boos rather than cheers you'd expect. MARV fights back to his feet and shoots Logan off, getting put down with a shoulder tackle. Off the ropes again, Logan delivers on a second shoulder tackle. Off a third set of ropes Logan tries a shoulder tackle, but gets too lazy with it and takes a drop toehold! MEL jumps in and the referee holds Synth at bay from coming in, while Logan is legdropped across the back of the head! First by MEL, then by MARV! Then by MEL! And again by MARV!

MARV
I CAN'T HEAR YOU GREEN BAY!

"WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Logan rolls over to his corner and tags out, nursing the back of his head and a bruised ego. In steps Synth and he squares up to MEL, shoving him in the chest. Not appreciating that, MEL balls up his fist for a right hand, only for the Muslim convert to drop to his knees and pray for forgiveness!

COLE
What is this now?

COACH
He's a man of peace. You don't hurt a man of peace!

A little confused as to what to do MEL turns to his brother for advice, the opening Synth needs to attack from behind! He clubs MEL repeatedly across the back, putting him against the ropes. Synth turns MEL around and delivers a couple of bodyshots, then looks to the heavens. He then looks for an irish whip... but MEL reverses, catching Synth on the way back with a drop toehold. In comes MARV, running the ropes with the legdrop! Legdrop from MEL! Legdrop from MARV! Legdrop from MEL and Synth is out of there as well!!

COLE
The Christ Air Express are giving Synth and Logan the run around!

COACH
Come on with the double teaming already referee! I know they're twins, but even if you can't tell them apart, surely you can tell there's two of 'em!

The Heavenly Rockers look to regroup on the outside, but suddenly look up in horror as MEL soars over the top...



...NO! He fakes them out! Synth and Logan had ducked and think they're safe, not seeing MEL leap back inside. As MEL drops to all fours, MARV charges, USING HIS BROTHER AS A LAUNCHPAD TO DIVE ONTO THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

Sliding back inside, MARV hits the double high-five with MEL as the crowd go wild.

COLE
I'm sure MARV and MEL's good buddy Jamie O'Hara's got a smile on his face watching this somewhere.

COACH
Nah. That'd require a personality.

Getting the troups properly regrouped Abdullah pats Synth on the back. Which does him no good, because as soon as he's on the apron, MEL brings him in THE HARD WAY~! Synth walks into a dropkick. And a second. As MEL goes to take a run at him SAJ takes a swing, missing wildly as MEL goes behind into a crucifix...


1...



2...



No!

Wringing the arm MEL brings in MARV, who comes off the top with an axehandle. MARV takes over the arm-wringer but gets caught in the gut with a knee. Shot off MARV goes up and over a dropdown. As he comes off the other side though, Logan sticks out a knee! Caught right in the kidneys MARV stumbles forward, into a swinging neckbreaker by Synth!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Cover by Synth...


1...



2...



No!

COLE
Like it or not that's why The Heavenly Rockers are one of the most successful tag teams in OAOAST history. They know tag team wrestling inside out. Every trick, every shortcut.

Tag is made to Logan, who stomps MARV right in the ear and then taunts MEL. Taunted to the point that he's drawn into the ring, distracting the referee while Synth comes in and chokes MARV.

COLE
And there we go again. The supposed 'man of peace', that didn't last long did it?

COACH
Perhaps he's trying to heal him. You don't know that's not his intention!

As Synth makes a quick exit, Logan follows up by dropping an elbow and covers...


1...



2...



No!

Logan brings MARV back up, elbowing him in the back of the head on the way. Hooking him up, the MACHO Macho Mann executes a vertical suplex in the centre of the ring. Logan positions himself at MARV's side and gives the signal for... something not usually in his repetoire. Back turned, he tucks, sets... fakes out on the standing moonsault and kicks MARV in the head instead.

COLE
That was a blatant shot at Jamie O'Hara right there.

COACH
That was more entertaining than anything O'Hara has done in his entire life.

Angered by the kick, MARV surprises Logan by rolling to his knees and unleashing with some right hands to the gut. Logan stops him by dropping a double axehandle though. Picking him back up, Logan delivers a short arm clothesline and hooks MARV up...


1...



2...



No!

Dragging MARV to the corner, Logan makes the tag before bringing him back out. Scooping MARV up, Logan hands over to Synth to assist with a Double Sidewalk Slam!

COACH
The Christ Air Express, they think that they're 'party dudes'. They wouldn't last 10 minutes at the Heavenly Rockers aftershow parties. Just like they can't last with them in the ring.

Synth walks around the ring, watching as MARV tries to pull himself up. Out of sight of the referee Logan reaches in and grabs the back of MARV's tights, keeping him in Heavenly Rocker territory for a flying knee in the corner... NO! MARV lands an elbow and manages to move out of the way! Synth lays splattering across the turnbuckles as MARV starts to crawl to try and make the tag. Able to shake off the elbow Logan manages to tag himself in though and cuts MARV off before he can get the tag, then runs MEL off the apron with a double axehandle just to be sure.

COLE
That Heavenly Rockers advantage was almost the thing that didn't last.

Watching MARV get to his feet Logan lures him in, pulling him into a standing headscissors. As he sets up for a piledriver though, MARV suddenly wakes up and counters with a backbody drop!

"YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Logan gets back up and loads up the double axe again... but MARV ducks behind and counters with a Backslide!


1...



2...



No!

Back to his feet, Logan is unable to prevent MARV from crawling through his legs and lunging forward, getting the tag to his trusty twin!

COLE
Oh there we go, tag is made!

COACH
How'd he do that!?

Scooting up the turnbuckles, MEL comes off the top with a fist to the top of Logan who's routed to the spot in surprise. Whipping Logan off the ropes MEL delivers a standing dropkick. A dropkick then sends Synth off of the apron and to the floor. MEL fires up and Logan spies an opportunity, running at MEL with a double axehandle. A sidestep puts Logan into the turnbuckles chest first, stumbling back into a schoolboy rollup...


1...



2...



NO!

MEL grabs a hold of Logan and whips him across the ring into the CAE corner. Charging in MEL leaves his feet and delivers a big flying clothesline in the corner landing in a seated position on the middle rope!

COLE
And MEL, just chillin' on the middle buckle a lil' bit.

Logan staggers out and MEL goes up top. He waits for Logan to turn his way before wiping him out with a Flying Crossbody...


1...



2...



NO!

Logan rolls outside, just as Synth comes in trying to ambush MEL. That doesn't work though, caught running in with a spinning heel kick!

COLE
Caught him! Synth ran right into that one!

Back in crawls MARV and the twins set Synth up with a double irish whip. Double fists to the gut double Synth up and they hit the ropes... but only one comes back, as MARV gets tripped up and pulled to the outside by Logan! The one who does come back doesn't fare much better, MEL spun around the world into a Gutbuster!

COACH
That was one trip that MEL didn't enjoy!

Synth hooks a leg...


1...



2...



Kickout!

With Logan and MARV battling on the outside Synth gives a signal to the outside. And right on cue, it would appear, Abdullah Abir Nerdly appears on the apron. His presence instantly takes the attention of the referee, which allows Holly to slide in Abdullah's holy book!

COLE
Hey!

COACH
Synth looking for some inspirational words.

COLE
Or something nice and heavy to hit somebody with!

COACH
Yeah, either or.

As Synth snatches up the book though, a disruption in the crowd distracts him. Leaping over the barricade is JAMIE O'HARA, ripping Abdullah Abir off of the apron to the mass approval of the fans!

COACH
Unhand him! That's a spiritual leader of men, he's not to be touched by the unwashed!

O'Hara does more than touch Abdullah, LAYING HIM OUT WITH A RIGHT HAND!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

As O'Hara yells at Abdullah, Synth leaves the ring to come to his aid. He grips the book in his hands and leaps from the ring apron towards O'Hara... who moves, causing Synth to wipe himself out on the barricade!!!

COLE
God moves in mysterious ways. Synth just moved in a rather misguided way.

COACH
Jamie O'Hara should not even be out here! He's got his own fed to go to now so we don't have to put up with him!

With Synth down and out, Logan re-enters the ring to complain about the presence of O'Hara at ringside. Up from behind from MEL, turning him around looking to go on the attack. Logan still has enough concentration to land the first blow though, booting MEL in the gut. He pulls MEL into the front facelock, setting him up for Percussion. Again his attention is taken by O'Hara though. Too busy yelling at him, Logan is surprised by MARV, coming off the top with a Missile Dropkick!! Managing to avoid landing on his head MEL floats over on top with a jacknife pin...


1...





2...





3!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

*DINGDINGDING!*

COLE
That's it! MARV and MEL, with a little help from their friend, are gonna pick up the win in this one!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match... MARV, MEL, THE CHRIST AIR EEEEEXXXXXXXPPRRRREEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Sliding out of the ring double-quick, MARV and MEL embrace on the outside in celebration. Having left Abdullah nursing his jaw O'Hara comes over to join them, dishing out some hand slaps and fist daps. Logan looks shocked and simmers as he looks on from the ring.

COLE
Well, a little bit of retribution for Jamie O'Hara tonight, seeing his buddies put away The Heavenly Rockers here on HeldDOWN~! Hey... maybe the One And Only Jamie O'Hara Federation have got an opening for a new tag team?

COACH
Yeah, you and your left nut! That's about the best that guy could do. Hitting a man of dignity in the face... no class! No class at all!

As Holly comforts her husband, O'Hara encourages Logan to "come and get him". Logan is content to swear revenge from a safe distance for now, still fuming at what just happened.

COLE
Folks we will see you next week!

FADE OUT