OAOAST HeldDOWN 2/5/09

[Chanel #99]

PRESENTED IN HD

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


What do you think of this as the intro video

We go from the opening logo to the Savvis Center where Sofa Central is decorated with numerous Celitc themed props and items just in time for the Celtic Spectacular.

COLE
Welcome, folks to the 301st episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN! Our road to Anglemania comes through the Gateway to the west with a world title match between Leon Rodez and the arrogant superstud Spencer Reiger. With only three months on the full time roster Spencer’s victory would make him the fastest to ever win a world title, it would also make him the youngest world champion of all time.

Magnum Opus hits, and Alfdogg slowly walks out with a microphone, to a mixed reaction of mostly cheers.  He has a bandage on his head.

COLE
And I'm most interested to hear these words!

Alf continues his walk to the ring, then climbs inside, and stands at the ropes, looking out to the crowd.

ALF
You know...I've been with the OAOAST since the very beginning, almost 7 years.  I've seen everyone come, and I've seen everyone go.  Any place you occupy for seven years, you have a lot of acquaintances, and you may even make a few friends along the way.  The Deadly Alliance...Thunderkid, Reject, Sandman...in seven years, those were the only three guys I ever considered my friends.

And when I reformed the Deadly Alliance about nine months ago, I really thought that this was our time to get the respect we had never gotten in the past.  That we would stand atop the wrestling world.  And you'd be hard pressed to have argued that point.  Look at Sandman9000...almost a year and a half holding the Heartland title!

*mixed reaction*

ALF
Thunderkid and Reject...tag team champions for the better part of a year!

*mixed reaction*

ALF
And I was in main events all over the country.  But I came up short, against a great, great opponent in Tha Puerto Rican.

*crowd cheers*

ALF
PRL really earned my respect over the last few months.  When we put him out of action, I felt it was justified, because I didn't get that respect back in return.  But reality is, he was the one winning the matches, he was the one who deserved the respect, not me.

*mixed reaction*

ALF
Two weeks ago, I came into the Lethal Rumble match as the last entrant!  I've been in every one of the damn things, you'd think I could have figured out how to get the win from the #30 spot!  But I came up short.  The biggest match of my life, and I can honestly say that, the chance to earn a main event spot at the biggest event of the year, in my own home state!

*crowd cheers*

ALF
But I couldn't get it done.  And then last week...I'm not going to go through the beating...but those words really stuck.  Maybe...maybe they were right.  Maybe my time has passed.  Maybe.

Alf pauses, then looks down at the mic for a second, continuing to look at it, before handing to to Michael Buffer at ringside, then exiting the ring as the crowd doesn't know what to make of it.

COLE
What is going on here?  Where is Alf going?

Alf walks back up the aisle with his hands on his hips, and his head hanging.

COLE
I don't know what to say about this, Coach, and I don't think these people know how to react, either.

Alf walks back through the curtains, as we cut to commercial.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage


MAGGIE NERDLY (on a scooter at that!)
is with


THEODORE MONEYMAKER

MAGGIE
What’s up, ya’ll? Its me, your It Girl on the scene, Maggie Nerdly, chillin’ backstage with Mister Theodore Moneymaker. Moneybags, everyone knows what Ragdoll tried to do to you, and nobody knows what he’s going to do next. He’s an unpredictable guy. But, I’m told you got a message for him and for my OAOAST Marks. Care to lay it on us?

MONEYMAKER
Yes, I do Margaret. When I was but a young undergrad student at Yale University I used to watch this Ragdoll character do his groove thang  as the colored people say, and I used to say there’s a man who just doesn’t get it. There’s a man that’s destroyed himself with drugs, destroyed himself in the wrestling ring, and has destroyed himself as a human being. In short there’s a destroyed broken individual. He thinks life is chaos. Life is not chaos. Chaos does not exist in life even when you think things are chaotic. Life is about order. Order is the very essence of man.  Everyone in their place, everything in its place, and the gears of the world keep running. A man like him thinks you can stop the gears of the world by throwing a few bodies into them. In a lot of cases this goofball put his body into it. But the gears grinded his sorry ass out and kept on running. Now he thinks by taking on the overlord of order and bringing me down to my level he can destroy the order in the OAOAST. I don’t think so, clown. You don’t know me quite as well as you think you do. Krista Isadora Duncan, Zack Malibu, Leon Rodez, D*LUX, these are the people that have thought they could bring down the system. Their problem is they’re as much a part of the system as I am. You’re a part of the system to. On a very deep thought pattern you and I are on the same level. Not socially, financially or morally. You’re a heathen, a slob and poor miserable bastard! And you sure didn’t graduate from Yale, I doubt you could even sweep the floors there. But we’re on the same level because we’re part of an orderly system, you see. We do things in segment, we fight and wrestle under strict rules, and we do it all within the confines of a 2 hour show or a 4 our ppv. All you are is a disorderly punk in an orderly show. Give up the games, pal.

MAGGIE
Do you have any plans for revenge? A guy like you isn’t gonna take this sort of thing lying down, right?

MONEYMAKER
Oh ho ho! He will get punished, don’t worry. In order there is law, and law keeps the order. VICE may have failed to find you, but now that you’re out in the open you are an easy target and you’re going to get hit, Ragdoll. But I won’t be fighting you , my man. I won’t give you the pleasure of watching me stoop down to your dumb behavoir. You think I come from a family that takes the time to bicker with the underclass? Hell no, we just deport them or lock ‘em up in jail for ten or fifteen years BWHAHAHAHAHA! You and I are never going to wrestle, Ragdoll. I wouldn’t put myself in the same ring as you if every dollar in my trust fund depended on it. You’re a freak and a monster. No telling what you’re capable of. You’ll be punished by my good friends. Could be VICE. Could be some other guys. All you need to know is they’re people who understand the value of order and understand the value of Thedoroe Moneymaker. Most likely there’s a lot of brain deficient geeks out there thinking I’m a coward. Me a coward? Never! Why just this past Sunday a kid I used to go to high school with…forgot his name. He came back from Iraq and he was in pretty bad shape, lost both his legs, an arm, some fingers, part of his eye. And you know what this guy told me? He said “Mister Moneymaker” he shows respect “You’re the real hero. You” Think about that, America. And think about that, clown!

MAGGIE
That was the down azz nigga of the year, Theodore Moneymaker talking mad smack on Ragdoll. Moneybags and his partner Christian Wright meet up with my bros later tonight. Back to you guys up front!

[Chanel #99]

As we return from backstage we find the All American Boys on the outside of the ring shaking hands with their fellow Americans.

COLE
The All American Boys doing their part to make the OAOAST Marks feel welcome here on HeldDOWN~! as the get ready for tag team action.

A thick orange light envelops the entire stage, and plumes of fire lift out of the entrance stage.  The soulful hip-hop inspired Spanish beats of “Spittin Narcissism” make their way into the arena as the fire continues to holler into the air. Emerging first through the parting entrance doors is this young lady


QUEEN ESTHER

Shaded in an almost evil red by the lighting and the intense flames, she flashes a wicked smile before extending her hand to welcome


RICO DE JANERIO

And


LUCIUS SOUL


Her arms go between before of their’s and her smile turns into a sly grin almost as though she were withholding a secret. She nods towards the ring, and her team takes that as their cue to travel down the ramp.

BUFFER
The following contest is scuedueled for one fall. All ready in the ring, The All American Boys! Now making their way to the ring being accompanied by Queen Esther they are The Black Knight Lucius Soul, The White Knight Rico DeJanerio…THE MARDI GRAS HELLFIRE CLUB!

Rico fights the urge to exchange beads for boobs, although he’d most likely fail if he were to make such an offer.  He keeps himself occupied by twirling a bejewled royal scepter Soul can hardly stop himself from breaking free of Queen Esther and attending to his treasured fro. Somehow he makes it into the ring, where Esther rewards him with an encouraging round of applause. Her eagerness to show off her team isn’t warmly received, and the Missourians blast the shadow boxing pimp with boos. On the outside, Rico eyes down his opponent with an odd sort of stare.

COLE
I am pumped for this! The new look Wrecking Crew!

COACH
Sit yo ol Joe Buck Chip Carry ass on the ground! No you aint pumped!

COLE
Yes I am, why can’t you and I be interested in the same things?

COACH
Because you are a ho and I ain’t interested in ho business!

Cole’s enthusiasm may be tempered somewhat when Rico takes his wand and slams it right into Liberty’s arm! The AAB immediately drops to the ground where he howls in misery. The fans are thoroughly confused, to stunned to even boo Rico for his action. The referee harshly questions Esther and Soul but they both maintain a façade of innocence. Rico however insists it was a justified attack towards Liberty’s enraged mate, yelling “He shouldn’t have looked at me like that, mang!”

COLE
My god! Folks, I’m sorry but we have to take a commercial break while we get things straightened out. Stay tuned for more HeldDOWN!

COMMERCIAL

COLE
Well, we’re back and Freedom, brave man that he is, has decided to face the Hellfire Club one on one.

QUEEN ESTHER
Well, how do you like my knights in shining armor? Impressive aren’t, they? A few cosmetic changes, some time in the music library, spruced up entrance and they’re the talk of the town.

COLE
Their attack on Liberty will certainly be the talk of the competition committee. That’s not the way to earn a title shot!

QUEEN ESTHER
That’s a ridiculous comment, if I ever heard one.  Peasants are to show respect for royalty at all times. Liberty made the kind of mistake that gets you cast out of court.

Soul fries Freedom into the ropes. Freedom comes back with arm raised into a lariat, but Soul slides beneath it. He fires back a kick, only to have his foot caught in the red white and gloved hands of Freedom. The patriot then upends him, dumping him to the canvas. He quickly falls on top of Soul for a pin..

ONE!

Kickout!

Both men rise to their feet, where Freedom begins throwing rapid fire straights into Soul’s face.  Having stunned his foe, he tries to run the ropes once again. But Soul isn’t in as bad a shape as Freedom thought and he charges in to hit Freedom with a knee to the stomach. Doubled over, Freedom is an easy target for the leaping sidekick Soul slams into his head.

QUEEN ESTHER
He’s amazing! That was magic! MAGIC!

COLE
I think it was just a leaping side kick. The same move he uses every match.

QUEEN ESTHER
But now its been blessed by a queen. Why can’t you understand the importance of royalty? Where were you educated, peasant?

“Get down and make it happen, pimp!” Soul encourages his partner as he makes the tag. Entering the ring, the new look Brazillian is immediately tested by a charging Freedom. But Rico handles him in stride, capturing him into a front facelock and swiftly flooring him with a deadly DDT! Clutching his sore head, Freedom doesn’t notice Soul bounding to the top rope. He only becomes aware of The Black Knight’s plan when his leg drop is slicing across his neck!

QUEEN ESTHER
Bravo Hellfire Club! Good show! These men had the power for greatness all along, they only needed a queen’s touch to bring it out in them.

COACH
You think you can turn dog turds into gold, because I got a commentary partner that is just dragging me on down!

“BOOOOOOO!” yell the fans, as the referee tries to warn the Hellfire Club against their illegal tactics. His caution is ignored by Rico who merely barks at him to count his fall.

QUEEN ESTHER
Yes, hurry up official! Don’t keep the inevitable waiting, that’s what I always say.

ONE!

TWO!

Another kickout by Freedom!

QUEEN ESTHER
Boo! What does he think he’s trying to do here?

COLE
He’s trying to when the match, which you made mighty hard when you jumped his partner.

QUEEN ESTHER
Don’t whine to me. Isn’t it you very people that love to talk about the toughness of the OAOAST superstars. What’s a little lovetap?

Rico brings Freedom up off the canvas, and raises him high into the sky for a vertical suplex. But much to his chagrin the true American counters by rolling him up into a pinfall..

ONE!

TWO!

Rico throws his shoulder off the mat, and shoots an annoyed glare at the referee he thinks made a fast count. His argument with the ref is cut short by the punches of Freedom. Softening him up with the blows, Freedom backs him into the ropes where a blind tag is made. Unaware of Soul’s imminent arrival, Freedom whips the White Knight away, landing him in the corner. He charges forward and connects perfectly with a leaping lariat!

COLE
Freedom is showing the strength and will of the American people right now!

QUEEN ESTHER
I won’t understand how any group of people can support someone like this man representing their native land. In England we have pride and that pride is called the Spice Girls.

While the South American groans in pain, Freedom turns to find Soul attempting to level him with the same hold! But he slides out the way and the Black Knight instead slams his arm into his partner’s chest.

“Ah that’s some crap, that’s what that is!” Soul complains to his now doubly hurt friend.

Freedom takes another run off the ropes, expecting to be able to strike both of the stymied Hellfire Club. But Soul’s lanky legs ward him away with a spring board dropkick!

COACH
Holla at a pimp! My man doin it, OG style!

Soul hooks the leg for a fall….

ONE!

TWO!

And again a kickout. Freedom makes a speedy return to his feet, eyeing the run Soul takes of the ropes. When the New Orleans native nears his foe he jumps skyward for a sidekick. But Freedom is just one step ahead of him as he lowers the ropes, causing Soul to sail out the ring. Second later the fans are watching the former pimp take a terrible nosedive to the outside mats bellow!

“YEAAAAAAAAAA!”

QUEEN ESTHER
Oh no, this will not happen on our debut!

Slamming her headset down, Esther immediately pulls herself away from the commentary table. Cumbersome dress be damnded, she manages to make her way onto the ring apron where she gives the referee an earful for letting Freedom pull such a dangerous stunt. Freedom of course comes to his own defense, arguing back with the White Queen over her rude statements.

COLE
What is Rico doing?

With the official tangled up with queen and country, Rico has managed to smuggle the wand into the ring.

“Yo, chico!” he snarls at Freedom, loud enough to get his attention but low enough as to not gain the referee’s. As Rico expected, Freedom curiously turns around. Curiosity killed the cat and on this day it kills Freedom as Rico clocks him between the eyes with the wand.

COACH
You have the freedom to get yo bitch ass laid out!

Rico then drops on top of his rival for a fall. Seeing that, Esther politely apologizes to the referee for her behavior and leaves him be. Just as she intended, he turns right around to count the pinfall that he sees.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING DING DING DING

Soul takes the ringing of the bell as a sign to finally comes to his senses. He returns to the ring and celebrates with Rico, who’s wisely disposed of the magic wand. On the outside, Queen Esther applauds for her team and tries to rally the annoyed audience to do the same.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, Alfdogg walks down the halls with his rolling suitcase, as various OAOAST superstars look on as he walks past them.  He stops at the exit doors, then runs his hand through his hair, before pushing the door open, and exiting the arena.  The camera stills on the door to end the scene.

Seconds later and we find ourself inside the ring with a man exhibiting all the personality of a wooden door, Michael Cole!

COLE
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the man who two weeks ago won this year's OAOAST Lethal Rumble! He is THE METEROSEXUAL MONSTER... BOHEMOTH~!


*BbwWbAhmotherfuckerLlIiiBbbEErRrAATtTeeyYyOUUurRrMmmMmMiIInNnDddDd!!*

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The crowd erupt as "Liberate" powers through the arena and again the moment Bohemoth powers through the entrance way! Decked out in a crisp white suit and those orange tinted-shades, the bigman smiles as he makes his way to the ring, jogging up the ring steps. After a handshake for Cole he climbs the turnbuckles and works the crowd.

COACH
Vintage Bohemoth!

Bo leaps down from the turnbuckles, smiling again as the chants of "BO - HE - MOTH!" start up while he positions himself beside Cole.

COLE
Bohemoth... what more really needs to be said? You're going to AngleMania!

BOHEMOTH
You know Michael, it's been a long hard road for me here in the OAOAST. When I came to this company back in 2006, I had nothing. I was watching another guy's back, doing another man's work. Back then, if you'd have told me that less than three years on, I'd be headlining AngleMania with a chance at the World Title, I don't know if I would have believed you. But a lot's happened in that time and one of those things is that these people have embraced me.

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

BOHEMOTH
These people have accepted me. And these OAOAST fans have supported me, into becoming one of the top guys in this business. Never more so than at AnglePalooza, when I outlasted 29 other competitors to stand tall at the end of that night, not just the biggest dog in the yard, but the only dog left.

COLE
One thing we should bring up, in light of recent developments, do you feel like your win has been dampened at all, knowing what we know now about Alfdogg and Reject?

BOHEMOTH
To be honest with you I don't know what the situation is there, all I know is they didn't win the Lethal Rumble, I did! And after all that Alfdogg's done to me in the past, I find it hard to feel sorry for the guy truth be told. That's not my issue.

COLE
Indeed not. Your issue is now the World Championship and counting down the days to AngleMania. OAOAST World Title of course held currently by your friend and fellow In Crowd member Leon Rodez. How are you feeling about the prospect of facing him?

Bo is forced to wipe a smile from his face.

BOHEMOTH
Are we really trying to stir things up already Michael?

COLE
Not at all. I'm just...

BOHEMOTH
No no, it's cool. The fact is me and Leon do get along and I guess it's ironic in a way that the guy standing in my way of becoming the World Champ is the same guy I was brought in to deal with three years ago. But like I said, a lot's changed since then. That's all water under the bridge. As far as fighting Leon goes, in a weird way I'm looking forward to it. Because I know he's like me. He wants competition. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy beating the hell out of the Rejects and the Christian Wrights of this world as much as the next guy. Just because it's not personal doesn't mean it won't be competitive between me and Leon though. Trust me, when that bell rings, friendship'll be out the window and it'll be all business. May the best man win.

COLE
The OAOAST Galaxy can't ask for any more than that. And it promises to be a great contest. One final thought on AngleMania... do you feel that you're ready to become the OAOAST World Champion?

BOHEMOTH
I feel like I'm ready. But that doesn't mean much to anyone, except to say that I've got the self belief in my abilities. I could stand here and say that I'm going to win the World Title. I could stand here and say that I'm going to run through Leon Rodez in the process. The fact is, saying it don't make it so. The only way I'm going to prove it is by doing. All I can say is, it's still two months 'till AngleMania and I've never felt more ready in my life.

COLE
Alright, there you have it, Bohemoth is ready for AngleMania and his chance at the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title!

"Liberate" hits to wrap up the interview, Bohemoth raising his arms and goes back to working the turnbuckles and the cheering fans.

COLE
Coach, back to you!

COACH
Damn right back to me, I'm sick of hearing your whiny ass voice! Quit sucking up to Big Bo and get back down here so I can go back to sleep while you yap on about shit that don't matter! Actually, nevermind, let Brannigan yap, I got Jessica Beil waiting in my dreams, I ain't got time for your ass to waddle on over here!

[Chanel #99]

FROM THE GOSSIP HEARD ON THE OAOAST HOT NEWZLINE, THIS IS A CELTIC SPECTACULAR SHILL!

Behind the desk inside the OAOAST Hot Newzroom, Tony Brannigan in a suit and tie.

BRANNIGAN
This shill is brought to you by the fine folks at Mrs. Spezia’s Cookies. All you guys still hoping to set Alix straight, fear not for I am not about to break HOT NEWZ regarding a surprise Alix Spezia/Krista Isadora Duncan Vegas wedding. But do I have a deal for you in time for Valentines courtesy of Mrs. Spezia‘s Cookies, because right now on their official website you can order a dozen heart shaped brownies for your valentine at a special discount price!

MRS. SPEZIA’S COOKIES SPECIAL VALENTINES DAY OFFER
A DOZEN (or 12 to keep it nice and simple) HEART SHAPED BROWNIES AT $9.99 ($10 Saving)
LIMITED TIME OFFER!!!

We cut back to Brannigan munching on one of said brownies.

BRANNIGAN
(mouthful)
I suggest you order more than one batch. These are incredible! Mm-mm-mm! Somebody get me a class of milk while I remind the OAOAST Marks in Boston about the Celtic Spectacular on Thursday night, February 27 live from TD Banknorth Garden, will ya?
(finishes brownie without missing a beat)
Tickets for the event have been sold out for weeks but you can still catch all the action right here on TSM. On that night the finals of the 5th annual Anderson Cup will take place. To the winning team goes a shot at the tag titles at AngleMania VIII; the loser falls back down the proverbial ladder. One of the teams still alive in this year’s Anderson Cup, Simon Singleton and Ned Blanchard, the Beverly Hills Blonds.

The BHB appear on split-screen with Tony Brannigan relaxed as can be.

BRANNIGAN
Gentlemen, you’ve held the One & Only World tag team title on 3 separate occasions. A fourth title reign puts you in very elite company next to Chicks Over Dicks as being the only teams to do you. But you first must get through your Conference Final match against either Team Heyross or Cucaracha Internacional members James Blonde and Faqu.

SIMON
They only get tougher as you get deeper in the Anderson Cup, Tony. At the time we’re recording this interview it’s possible OAOAST Marks already know which team we‘re set to face. But whether it’s the former champions Team Heyross or two-third of the reigning 6-man titleholders Blonde and Faqu, both of whom pose different and difficult challenges, the goal remains the same: win by any means necessary.

NED
If we gotta outwrestle Team Heyross, we’ll do it. If we gotta use a chair to beat the Transgender and the Samoan Cookie Monster, we’ll do it. The Beverly Hills Blonds have never been afraid to break a rule here and there and we won’t stop now. As far as we’re concerned, the Anderson Cup Finals start next week. Whoever the opponents, we’re gonna treat them like Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright.

Dunking another brownie in a glass of milk Brannigan wraps up the segment.

BRANNIGAN
3 weeks from tonight it’s the Celtic Spectacular live from Boston!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

o the locker rooms, where we find World Champion Leon Rodez getting prepped for his latest title defence. Thank goodness for poor security and privacy. Also thank goodness for the door not being locked, which also allows Bohemoth to walk in a couple of seconds later. Not noticing Bo at first, Leon eventually glances around to him.

BOHEMOTH
Hey.

Leon nods, then continues lacing his boots.

BOHEMOTH
Can we talk, or is this a bad time?

RODEZ
Well, it's not the best of times, unless you make it quick. Besides, I don't even think we've got that much we need to talk about.

BOHEMOTH
It's about me and Jade.

Abruptly stopping in mid-knot, Leon glances up at his big friend.

RODEZ
Okay. Maybe we do, after all.

BOHEMOTH
Listen, you've probably started hearing some crap already and if you haven't, I'm sure you will eventually. This place is like that. You oughta know that. So I thought I oughta talk to you man to man and clear the air before you get the wrong idea about what's going on between us. If you know me like I think you do, you know I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna mess her around...

RODEZ
Look, uhm... I appreciate you coming to speak to me, but do we really have to do this now? I've got a match in like five minutes.

BOHEMOTH
So, later?

Leon finishes off his knot and pulls his foot off the bench with a sigh.

RODEZ
What more is there to say? You said it yourself, I know you and what kinda guy you are. I'd be lying if I said the thought of you and her dating is something I'm... you know, entirely comfortable with. But she could probably do a lot worse.

BOHEMOTH
Thanks. Glad to have your blessing.

RODEZ
Hey, it's not my blessing you need to worry about pal. Trust me, if you step out of line I'm going to be the least of your worries!

BOHEMOTH
Good point.

Picking up his World Title belt Leon slings it over his shoulder, patting Bo on the back as he leaves. Bo's eyes track him and his voice causing Leon to pause in the doorway.

BOHEMOTH
Hey, good luck tonight.

RODEZ
Thanks.

COLE
The World Title on the line, next!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

*DINGDING!*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is set for one fall with a fourty-five minute time-limit... and it is for the OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

As the expectant cheers of the crowd die down, "The World Is Mine" by David Guetta hits. A wealth of flickering and flashing spotlights alternate between entirely red and entirely white across the entrance stage. The lights on the floor then turn blue cutting through a thin haze that fills the stage. Stepping into this tranquil mist, Spencer Reiger with hood up nods his head confidently. He flicks the hood back and strolls to the ring with a big grin plastered on his face.

BUFFER
Introducing first, the challenger. From Manhattan, New York... he weighs in tonight at two hundred, ten pounds. Looking to mark a meteoric rise to the top of the OAOAST in his rookie year, tonight he makes his first challenge at the World Heavyweight Championship. Ladies and gentlemen, he is "THE ONE MAN TRIPLE THREAT"... SSSSPPPEEEEEEEEENNCCCCCEEEEEEERRRRR... RRRREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGEEEEERRRRRRR!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Reiger saunters down the ramp, cloaked by a bright white spotlight to contrast the flashing blue and red "SR" shaped illuminations on the entrance ramp. The  rookie stops at the bottom of the aisle for his usual dose of public humilation. But it looks like the fan in the dreaded seat is ready for Spencer, producing a sign that reads "DON'T EVEN TRY IT WITH ME REIGER!" Amused, Spencer asks to take a closer look at the sign. He then snatches it away, lifting up the ring apron and throwing it where he'll never have to deal with it again, under the ring!

COACH
Well, that was 3 hours with the marker pens well spent!

Climbing the steps, Spencer draws the ire of the rest of the crowd on his way into the ring.

COLE
Last week on our 300th episode extravaganza, Spencer Reiger was extremely outspoken against the World Champion, going so far as to call him a "fraud" and a "phony", claiming he was taking "the coward's way out" as World Champ. When Leon Rodez heard those comments, he took offense to those suggestions. And tonight, he's calling Spencer's bluff. If Spencer said what he said to get a shot at the OAOAST World Title, he got what he wanted. If he was just blowing hot air, or even if he wasn't, he may now be regretting running his mouth.

COACH
Oh yeah, a World Title shot, some punishment huh?

Not enjoying having to put up with Spencer's abuse, the crowd are brought to their feet by "Rock The Casbah". Spencer gives the World Champion's arrival the thumbs down, but the St. Louis crowd are all thumbs up for Leon Rodez. Head down, Rodez shows off the World Title belt in his left hand, then thrusts a finger to the skies on the other side as he begins a very determined march to the ring.

BUFFER
And the opponent. From Grand Rapids, Michigan! Weighing two hundred, eighteen pounds. He is the reigning, defending, OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... "THE GRAND RAPIDS GOLDEN CHILD"... "SILKY SMOOTH"... LLLLLLEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOONN... RRRRRRRROOOOOOODDEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Leon climbs into the ring and raises the finger to one side of the arena. He hands over the title belt and goes over to his corner, only the faintest flicker of a smile to the crowd as he's getting himself warmed up.

COLE
Despite what Spencer Reiger says, Leon Rodez has been a true fighting champion as World Champion. This is his third title defence in three shows. And after the way the last two have ended up, I can tell you he's in determined mood tonight.

COACH
Determined not to have somebody save his ass this time, you mean?

COLE
Determined to make a controversy free defence.

Robe off, Leon is ready to go and so is Reiger as the belt is taken to ringside.


*DINGDINGDING!*

As the bell sounds, Leon hounds Spencer looking to lock up and not happy with the pressure he's finding himself under Spencer dives out of the ring.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Spencer dismissively calls a timeout, with Leon staring over the ropes at him with a shake of the head. Referee Mike Chioda backs him away while Spencer stalls for time.

COLE
Spencer Reiger maybe not quite as determined in the early going.

COACH
He's pacing himself. That's not a lack of determination, that's an abundance of intellect.

COLE
Like you'd know anything about that.

Taking his sweet time over getting back inside Spencer makes some more friends on the outside, taunting a young fan in the front row. His pre-occupation with the crowd soon costs him as he gets caught napping on the ring apron and brought in THE HARD WAY~! by the World Champion! Landing on his tailbone Spencer tries to beg off, but gets nailed with a right hand by Leon. A second. And a third. An irish whip then sets him up for a BAAAAACK bodydrop and another painful landing on the tailbone! Leon turns away from the cheers of the crowd ready to attack again, only to find Spencer rolling outside signalling for another timeout. This time though, Leon has other ideas. He follows Spencer over to his latest fan target, waits for that fan to start pointing out what's waiting for The One Man Triple Threat, then dumps Spencer up and over the guardrail with a clothesline!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Spencer likes riling up the fans so much, how about a front row seat to make his job a little easier?

Leon dishes out some high-fives while he waits for Spencer to emerge. Open mouthed, Reiger for once can't summon any insults from inside and is brought back over the rail to ringside. Right hands send him back towards the ring and he's dumped in... but recovers to catch Leon sliding in with a boot to the back of the head.

COLE
Oh, Leon got caught there though.

COACH
See, everybody keeps labelling this kid a rookie. He's no ordinary rookie. He's got all the tools already, natural talent, natural intelligence. Don't hate on him cause he's young and hot.

After a couple more stomps, Spencer picks Leon up and delivers some forearms. He then turns Rodez against the ropes and chokes him over the top.

"ONE!"
"TWO!"
"THREE!"
"FOUR!"

Breaking on five, the apologetic Spencer guides himself over the top to the apron snapping Leon's neck across the top rope. As Leon staggers away, Spencer cuts past him running into the ropes. But Leon cuts him off with a big diving clothesline!

COLE
Wham! What a shot that was!

Staggering back up, Spencer walks into a knifedge chop that knocks him right back off his feet. A right hand decks him again. And then he takes an inverted atomic drop. Knees weakening Spencer pleads for some mercy with further damage done to his coccyx and Leon accepts his handshake, only to whip him into a corner. Rodez follows up with DOUBLE KNEES~! in the corner, bundling Spencer onto his back for a lateral press...


1...



2...



No!

Reiger retreats, backing into a corner and again using his aching butt as a reason to try and force a timeout. Having none of it, the World Champion again goes for a whip. This time Spencer reverses, sending Leon into the far corner. As he charges Spencer is sent up and over the top by a dip of the shoulder, but lands safely on the apron. A clip to the back of the head sets Leon up, Spencer grabbing him by the back of the singlet to pull him down, then slingshotting himself back in with a double stomp... MISSED! Leon rolls out of the way, onto the apron himself. Landing, a frustrated Spencer swings for the fences, but Leon blocks and lands a right hand of his own. Worried about his boyish good looks more than his opponent, the challenger then finds himself flattened by a Crossbody Block from the top!

"YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"


1...



2...



No!

Back up, Spencer is caught rushing in with an armdrag, into an armbar.

COLE
The World Heavyweight Champion one step ahead of his opponent tonight! Impressive as Spencer has been in his short time in the OAOAST this is a massive step up in competition, facing the very best in the OAOAST today!

COACH
Reject?

COLE
No.

COACH
Mister Dick?

COLE
No.

COACH
Zack!?

COLE
No! Leon! The World Champion!

COACH
Pah! He may be the World Champion, but that doesn't make him the best in the OAOAST.

COLE
Uhm... yes it does. That's the POINT of having a champion!

Climbing back to his feet the armlocked Prodigy doesn't waste time looking for a fair escape and takes the easy way out, via the eyes. Spencer lands a couple of jabs on the blinded World Champ, then comes off the ropes with a back elbow attack, pinning Leon down...


1...



No!

Reiger stays on top of Leon, clubbing him across the back, only stopping to give an 'up yours' to the crowd. He pulls Leon back up. But still pre-occupied with the crowd, he allows Leon to swat away from his clutches...


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and swat him with a knifedge chop!


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

And a second. An irish whip sends Spencer to the corner again, Leon jogging into the opposite corner and motioning out to the crowd, as he takes off with the SUPERMAN SPEAR...



...which Spencer AVOIDS by pushing up on the ropes, causing Leon to dive headfirst into the middle turnbuckle pad instead!!

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
#Oh, you're the best around and nothing's gonna ever keep you down!#

COLE
Would you quit that?

Waiting for Leon to pull himself up Spencer sits poised out on the apron. He measures him up, charging down the apron and connecting with an enziguri from the outside! Leon hits the mat in a heap and eager to capitalise, Spencer dives back in over the middle rope and makes a deep cover...


1...



2...



NO!

Spencer questions the count briefly, before spotting Leon trying to get up and giving him a punt to the ribs.

COLE
What a shocker it would be if this youngster were to become World Heavyweight Champion tonight, not even two years into his pro career. And don't bet against it. It could happen, the talent is there for all to see, the only problem is his lousy attitude.

COACH
The way I see it, Spencer's got a winner's attitude.

COLE
You mean egotistical and disrespectful?

COACH
Exactly. When you hear a guy being complimented on being 'nice', you know it's cause they ain't producing shit on the field so you gotta find something else to talk about.

Dragging Leon across the ring, Reiger sets him up against the bottom turnbuckle and lays in a couple of stomps. Grabbing hold of the top rope he then elevates himself to drive a knee into the chest. And a second time. Backed off by the ref, Spencer starts to adjust the leg of his board shorts. He produces a drawstring and uses the elastic to choke Leon up against the buckle!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Hey, come on ref! Reiger taking the cheap way again, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Spencer eventually gives up the drawstring, having done the damage. Grabbing Leon by the arm he whips him to the opposite corner, following him in with a corner dropkick! Another cover...


1...



2...



No!

Keeping Rodez pinned down, Spencer goes up to the middle rope to drop a quick knee. As soon as he sits up the World Champion is then trapped in a figure four necklock and re-grounded.

"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"

COLE
This crowd in St. Louis trying to get behind the World Champ.

As soon as Leon reacts though, the pressure is intensified as Spencer reaches back latching onto the middle rope for leverage!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Caught in the act, Spencer is forced to break the hold and does so, although not without bitching out the referee in the process. Slowly he picks Leon back up, driving his hip into the side of the head. But Leon fights back with a right hand. Spencer lands a punch. And so does Leon. A fistfight ensues, champion and challenger going back and forth. It's Rodez winning out, which forces Reiger to go to the eyes.

COLE
Another cheapshot!

With Leon blinded Spencer smacks him in the stomach with a trio of right hands. Coming off the ropes Spencer delivers a facecrusher and goes for the cover...


1...



2...



No!

Spencer pulls down his kneepad, measuring Leon with a measured kneedrop. The measurements add up to a painful shot to the temple and pain for the World Champion, who finds himself pinned again...


1...



2...



No!

Slapping the figure four necklock back on Spencer raises his hands in premature celebration.

COACH
I think this proves one thing. Some guys just don't suit being a World Champion Michael.

COLE
Are you suggesting Leon is one of those people?

COACH
I think the sight of him flat on his ass wondering where the hell he is says more than I could.

Kicking his feet Rodez gets the crowd back behind him and starts to try and fight to his feet. Managing to turn over, Leon still finds himself trapped but Spencer knows he's in a precarious position and starts waving his hands in a panic. A couple of seconds later, panic turns to... well, more panic, as Leon slips his head free. Keeping hold of the legs he then goes to apply the Liontamer, forcing Spencer to make a quick crawl for the bottom rope!

COLE
Fighting from the bottom, Leon almost had Spencer in a dire situation!

After answering the referee's count Leon moves back in, but Spencer catches him with a shot to the gut to regain control.

COACH
Yeah, but that was just a glimmer of hope. More hope than expectation. Only thing we've come to expect from Leon as World Champ is somebody running out and attacking the challenger when he needs help most.

COLE
Well at least we won't see Tim Cash interfering in other people's matches.

Smiling to himself Spencer flicks his neck back, spitting a wad into the air. But he misses with his clothesline attempt and Leon scores with a dropkick out of nowhere!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
That was a timely move from Leon. Can the World Champion get some momentum going now?

COACH
Better late than never.

"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"

Both men stay down recouping their energy reserves, using the referee's count up to the count of 6. Spencer is up first and loads up a right hand, but it's blocked and Leon lands with a right of his own. Another block and another right hand, allowing Leon to take a step back and knock him down with a clothesline. A second clothesline has Spencer staggering. The Prodigy is able to duck a third clothesline, but is so busy crowing over how smart he is, by the time he turns around Leon is in mid-tuck and unleashing the Shack Attack!

RODEZ
COME ON BABY!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
There's the momentum! Leon is kicking into gear and this crowd in St. Louis loves it!

Staggering back up Spencer walks into a boot from Leon, who quickly lifts Spencer's head back up to snap off a jab!

A jab!


A jab!



A jab!


Rodez turns, blowing the kiss, before turning back on his heels...



...and Spencer ducks, scouting the enziguri. Unfortunately, he ducked too early and Leon just stands and waits for the rookie to wonder why he hears no crashing and burning and stands back up...



*SMACK!*


...before nailing Reiger in the back of the head with the enziguri!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!

Leon drops down and hooks a leg...


1...



2...



NO!

Picking Spencer back up, Leon drills him with a couple of quick bionic elbows before shooting him into the ropes. He leapfrogs Spencer on the way back, then catches him off the ropes with a Sitout Hiptoss!


1...



2...



No!

Spencer backs into a corner, but the World Champ is cooking now and stays right on him.


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

A knifedge chop leaves Spencer clutching his chest and shaking his head.


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

Leon chops him a second time despite his opponent's pleas.


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

And a third chop lands. With Spencer hurting Rodez pulls him out of the corner and into an Exploder Suplex in the centre of the ring.

COLE
The class is beginning to tell now Coach, Leon is looking better and better as this match goes on.

COACH
But he hasn't put Spencer away yet.

Climbing up the turnbuckles Leon lines Spencer up and comes soaring with another crossbody from the top...




...but this time Reiger has the answer, dropkicking Leon in mid-air!!

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
There we go, cover him kid!

Spencer does and hooks the leg tight...


1...




2...




NO!

Cursing to himself, Spencer drags Leon back up and hooks up the arm.

COLE
Uh-oh. Spencer looking for the pedigree and nobody kicks out of the pedigree!

COACH
Reiger Counter.

COLE
Yeah, that too.

As Spencer goes to hook the other arm Leon escapes, backdropping the challenger overhead!

COLE
Rodez had it scouted though.

Getting to his feet, Spencer is caught with a Rolling Sole Butt kick in the gut, so forceful that he's taken about a couple of inches off the mat. Rodez wrings the arm and reels Reiger in by it, hoisting him up onto his back. Carrying Spencer into mid ring Rodez then sits out... but Spencer pushes off, escaping the backpack stunner! Having jammed his tailbone Leon sits prone as Spencer brushes past him, coming off the ropes in front with Blood Is The New Bla...


...NO! Leon counters the knee strike, catching hold of Spencer's leg and rolling him through INTO THE LIONTAMER!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
WHAT A COUNTER!

The crowd rise to their feet as Leon applies the boston crab and sits back, unable to place the knee with Spencer wriggling and squirming to avoid being trapped. Spencer is frantic and starts to make progress towards the ropes. In an effort to stop him, Leon allows Reiger to turn over in an attempt to get a better grip before re-asserting the hold. And he manages to turn Spencer back over. But by that time, Spencer has made ground. With a last lunge forward his hand clips against the bottom rope, before he reaches out and clings onto the rope like he were on the edge of a cliff hanging on for dear life.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Spencer getting to the ropes, not many people are able to do that when caught in the Liontamer. Credit where it's due.

COACH
You better save some of that credit over for when he's carrying that gold strap outta here! Because your boy Leon is struggling. The weight of pressure is weighing heavy on those shoulders and he's about to crumble underneath it, I'm tellin' ya!

Leon lets The One Man Triple Threat go and walks out into the middle of the ring with his hands on his hips. Whether it's disappointment or fatigue, he shrugs it off to deliver a clothesline, sending Spencer up and over the top to the outside.

COLE
It looks to me like it's Spencer who's crumbling. Another big shot and he's trying to take a breather.

That breather looks like it might be an extended breather, perhaps with a nice warm shower and a cup of coffee, because once Spencer picks himself up he decides he's had enough and says to hell with it, heading to the back!

COLE
...hey, where's Spencer going? Is he leaving?

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The referee's count isn't enough to convince Spencer to turn back, he's definately on his way, to the disapproval of the crowd. Leon turns around with the count already at five and once he realises what's going on, he yells at Spencer to come back and fight. But The Prodigy is already halfway up the aisle, showing no signs of turning back.

COLE
I don't believe this. Spencer Reiger is walking out, he's abandoning this shot at the OAOAST World Title! And Leon can't believe it either!

COACH
When the World Title isn't worth somebody's time, you know your champion is a chump.

Leon tries to convince referee Chioda to stop counting, but with Spencer gone he doesn't have much choice. And, reaching ten, he calls for the bell.

*DINGDINGDING!*

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

An unpopular decision, not least with the Champion himself who holds his hands on his head.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has made his official decision and your winner, as a result of a countout... and STILL OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... "SILKY SMOOTH"... LLLLEEEEEEEOOOOOONN... RRRROOOOOOOODDEEEEEZZZZZZZ!!!

A small cheer goes up as "Rock The Casbah" hits, but it's hardly a celebratory mood as Leon takes the title belt from Chioda. Shaking his head, Leon barely seems to want the belt under the circumstances and paces around the ring for a while.

COLE
You want to talk about bad attitudes, this is exactly what I'm talking about in regards to Spencer Reiger. This kid is given the opportunity of a lifetime, a shot at the World Championship and he just ups and leaves in the middle of the match!? He walks out on the biggest match of his life because he doesn't like how it's going!? Unbelievable!

COACH
Think of it like this. It's like a quarterback stepping out of bounds...

COLE
He didn't step out of bounds, he stepped out of the entire arena! He kept stepping until he got to the locker room! Even Tony Romo didn't do that!

COACH
Maybe he should have done.

Leon eventually leaves the ring, clearly conflicted over how the match went down. He doesn't reach out to the hands held in front of him, hands firmly on hips.

COLE
Safe to say, not the title defence Leon had in mind. You won't see a World Champion this disappointed in retaining his title for a long time, that's a proud man right there ladies and gentlemen.

COACH
Proud man, poor champion.

As Leon disappears through the curtains, we disappear into commercials.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Somewhere. Somewhere where the power brokers of society plot the course of that which will effect us all…


LORELEI DECENZO

Watches over the replay of Ragdoll’s promo on the 300th HeldDOWN. She looks none to amused, and neither does…


MORGAN NERDLY

LORELEI
You were hired to catch the man that attempted to kill Mister Moneymaker.

MORGAN
I know, I know. But-

LORELEI
I’m not finished. What we hired you for, you didn’t do. While you were chasing breadcrumbs, a certified freakshow was laughing at all of us. Not just laughing, he was probably plotting to. He was probably making plans, while you went on your wild goose chase, to do unspeakable harm to Mister Moneymaker. What do you think would happen to you if something happened to him?

MORGAN
I screwed up, I know. I know.

LORELEI
Ragdoll is a gigantic problem. We don’t know where he lives anymore, we don’t know where he recruits his followers. As a matter of fact we don’t even know where or when he’ll show up again.

MORGAN
I..I…I…can stop him.

LORELEI
I can’t help but think your parents were always right. Perhaps you just aren’t cut out to do good things. Your need for approval and affection got in the way of your common sense. It made you promise things you couldn’t do, and in the case of Max Anderson it means someone who showed you just a sliver of kindess could play you like a fiddle.

MORGAN
I…I…I will…stop him, I…I can figure out what he’s gonna do next and.

LORELEI
No, no. Why should I put you in a position where you can just let me or Mister Moneymaker down? What was I thinking putting a nineteen year old in charge of finding a psychotic bozo the clown? Ragdoll calls for stronger measures. Unfortunately it appears that we have to go out and get those stronger measures. I think you need something more your speed.

MORGAN
Ragdoll…he is my speed! I promise! I can stop him! I know I can!

LORELEI
I already wasted my trust on you. Your sister. Molly. She’s more than a thorn in our side, she’s an absolute cancer. Get rid of her.

MORGAN
Get…get…get rid of her? I…I…what do you mean?

LORELEI
What’s with this stuttering problem all of a sudden? Yes, get rid of her. Beat her, kill her, blast her with electricity, just get her out of my well kept hair. If you can do that, there’s hope for you yet. You can leave now.

Lorelei waves a depressed and downtrodden Morgan away. The teenager sulks off with her head hung low.

[Chanel #99]

The camera cuts to the lockerroom where Josh Matthews is standing by with Tha Puerto Rican. The crowd cheers loudly. Tha Puerto Rican is wearing sunglasses, an earring in his left ear, a Puerto Rican flag bandana on his head, a gold chain around his neck, a black PRL T-shirt, black sweat pants with white vertical stripes and his red wrestling boots with the Puerto Rican flag airbrushed onto them. PRL looks to the camera with a serious look on his face.

JOSH MATTHEWS
P.R., tonight you make your return to OAOAST HeldDOWN~! What are your plans for tonigh--

THA PUERTO RICAN
Josh Matthews, Tha Puerto Rican is sick and tired of looking at you! So, just know your role and shut your mouth! Here, make yourself useful! Model the brand new Badd Boyz T-shirt, available now on OAOASTShopzone.com!

Tha Puerto Rican brings out a black T-shirt that has BADD BOYZ written on the front in gold “gangsta-style” font. The front also has a grey lion’s head and a grey flame on top, the Puerto Rican flag to the left of the words, and the Colombian flag to the right of the words. On the back are the words, WE RIDE TOGETHER…WE DIE TOGETHER…BADD BOYZ 4 LIFE all written in gold “gangsta-style” font. PRL puts The Badd Boyz T-shirt on Josh’s head.  



Tha Puerto Rican takes the microphone away from Josh.

THA PUERTO RICAN
So, just sit there, model the shirt, and shut up! Now, Tha Puerto Rican has returned to the OAOAST, to HeldDOWN~!, and he has a mission. And that mission is to lay the smackdown on Mr. Dick’s roody poo candy ass! Mr. Dick, you think that you impress Tha Puerto Rican by attacking his ALREADY INJURED bicep!? If you wanted me out of the OAOAST so bad, you should have killed me, because that is the only way AND THA PUERTO RICAN MEANS THE ONLY WAY that he would EVER leave the OAOAST permanently!

The crowd cheers.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Tha Puerto Rican may have gotten eliminated from the Lethal Rumble Match, but it took a distraction to do it! And you can bet your ass that Tha Puerto Rican will NOT take this lying down!

The crowd cheers.

THA PUERTO RICAN
The fact of the matter is this: I am BACK! I am at 100%! And I am ready to get a piece of you! And just so your little man-woman doesn’t feel left out, I want a piece of you too! You wanna whip me? Well, honey, you’ll get your chance tonight! I am challenging Mr. Dick AND Malaysia Nerdly to a match! A 2-On-1 Handicap Match! Because Tha Puerto Rican doesn’t need a damn partner to whip both your monkey asses all over St. Louis!

CHEAP POP~!

THA PUERTO RICAN
So, Mr. Dick, bring your baby oil. Bring your towel. Bring your glittery gay cowboy hat too. Because Tha Puerto Rican is going to take that 10 gallon hat, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass!

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

THA PUERTO RICAN
And as for you, Malaysia, Tha Puerto Rican sees the way that you look at me. The way that you undress me with your eyes. The way that you lick your lips when you see me. I know that you have a case of Tha Puerto Rican Fever! You want some Latino in you! I know you do, girl. Well, tell you what. When we have our match tonight, I want you to close your eyes. I want you to pucker up those ruby red lips. Because Tha Puerto Rican is gonna slap your lips right off of your face! And then, he’s gonna take that Cat o' nine tails that you like to carry around and NO! I am NOT gonna stick it straight up your candy ass, because I know that you would like that, wouldn’t you, you sick FREAK! No, instead, Tha Puerto Rican is going to take that Cat o’ nine tails and proceed to whip you all over the ring from pillar to post! Tha Puerto Rican has never and will NEVER hit a woman, but Tha Puerto Rican knows that Malaysia Nerdly has got a pair of BALLS! Trust me, people, she’s not a woman, she’s a MAN, BABY~!

The crowd cheers at Tha Puerto Rican’s slightly outdated pop culture reference.

THA PUERTO RICAN
So, Mr. Dick, Malaysia Nerdly, get ready for the match of your life! Because Tha Puerto Rican is going to lay the smackdown on BOTH your candyasses tonight!

The crowd cheers.

Tha Puerto Rican sniffs the air.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Josh Matthews, when was the last time that you took a shower!? Or are you wearing llamas’ anus cologne!? YOU STINK!

Josh smells his armpits.

JOSH MATTHEWS
I don’t smell anything--

THA PUERTO RICAN
Get your smelly ass out of my lockerroom! And take my T-shirt off of your face!

Tha Puerto Rican snatches The Badd Boyz T-shirt off of Josh’s head and kicks him out of the lockerroom.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Wash your ass!

Tha Puerto Rican sniffs The Badd Boyz T-shirt.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Oh! Ew! That goes in the laundry!

Tha Puerto Rican throws The Badd Boyz T-shirt aside.

THA PUERTO RICAN
Mr. Dick, Malaysia Nerdly, watch out for the lightning strikes, because you two are about to suffer a P.R. Nightmare! THE CHAMP HAS SPO-KUN~!!!

Tha Puerto Rican does The People’s Eyebrow. The crowd cheers loudly.

(Cut to Sofa Central with Michael Cole and Jonathan “Da Coach” Coachman.)

COACH
Like he’s one to talk. Tha Puerto Rican smells like he rolls in garbage everyday!

COLE
Comments about unpleasant odors aside, Tha Puerto Rican has returned to the OAOAST, and he’s ready to get some of Mr. Dick AND Malaysia! I wonder if those two will accept PR’s challenge…and I’ve just been told that they have accepted Tha Puerto Rican’s challenge! Word travels fast here in the One And Only AngleSault Thread. Tonight, in our main event, Tha Puerto Rican will take on Mr. Dick and Malaysia Nerdly in a 2-On-1 Handicap Match! What a match that should be!

COACH
Good thing I won’t be out here to commentate on it! Tha Puerto Rican’s stinky ass would be enough to suffocate me!

COLE
Oh, will you stop!? You smell like cheap cologne every Thursday night and one Sunday a month, but you don’t hear me complaining!

COACH
Calvin Klein is anything but cheap!

COLE
Calvin Klein? You smell like Indian food wrapped in a used diaper! You smell like week old urine mixed in with sardines and cabbages! You smell like Bigfoot’s dick!

COACH
That applies to you, not to me!

COLE
Whatever! Fans, be lucky that smell-o-vision doesn’t exist yet, or else we wouldn’t have an audience! P.U.! You smell awful, Coach!

COACH
Bite me.

COLE
The smell would knock me out before I could even do it, EVEN IF I WANTED TO!

[Chanel #99]

The Church of Hot Addiction plays, and James Blonde makes his way through the curtains, followed by Faqu.

COLE
Tremendous tag team match on the way in the Anderson Cup! Let's go to Michael Buffer!

BUFFER
The following contest is a second-round matchup in the Anderson Cup tournament!  Making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of 509 pounds...representing Cucaracha Internacional, they are the #4 seed in the Los Infernales Bracket...the team of JAMES BLONDE and the Samoan Wrecking Ball, FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUU!!!!!

COLE
And these guys have two big fans in the Deadly Alliance tonight, that being Thunderkid and Reject, the World tag team champions, who do not want Team Heyross to see another chance at their belts!

Blonde rolls in the ring, as Faqu climbs in.  Blonde pumps up Faqu, as Shine by Collective Soul hits, and the fans get to their feet for Team Heyross.

BUFFER
Their opponents...at a combined weight of 485 pounds...the 2008 Anderson Cup champions, and the #1 seed in the Los Infernales Bracket...CHARLIE MOSS and QUENTIN BENJAMIN...TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSS!!!!!

Team Heyross slides in and removes their gear, then the referee calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

Both teams have a conversation, then a man steps out on each side.

COLE
So it'll be Quentin Benjamin starting with James Blonde!

The two move in for a tieup, but Blonde delivers a kick to the gut, followed by a side headlock.  Benjamin shoves him into the ropes, then puts his head down, but Blonde grabs him and whips him into a corner.  Blonde charges, but Benjamin slings over the top of him.  Blonde stops and catches him, attempting to ram him into another corner, but Benjamin slips behind the back, and attempts a reverse sunset.  Blonde hooks the ropes to block, then turns around, but gets caught with a dropkick!

COLE
Nice sequence of reversals, and it's Quentin Benjamin gaining the advantage!

Benjamin then hits Blonde with another dropkick, then grabs him and wrings his arm.  Benjamin wrings the arm once again, but Blonde pokes him in the eye, and reverses the arm-wringer.  Blonde backs Benjamin into the ropes, where Moss blind tags himself in.

COACH
Tag made there, James didn't see it!

Moss steps in, as Benjamin reverses an Irish whip, and the two catch him with a double hiptoss!  They follow up with a double elbowdrop, but then get floored with a double clothesline from Faqu!

COACH
Yeah!

COLE
Big-time clothesline from Faqu, but the referee's got to get two guys out of there!  I think it's Moss and James Blonde who are legal in the ring!

Blonde sizes up Team Heyross as they get to their feet, and attempts a flying bodypress!  However, Team Heyross catches Blonde, then toss him onto Faqu, who also catches him  and drops him to the mat, then attempts another double clothesline, but gets sent rolling to the floor with a double superkick!

COLE
Some nice teamwork by Team Heyross, and Blonde and Faqu need to regroup!

After a brief discussion, Faqu slides into the ring to contend with Moss.

COACH
No more messing around, Faqu's in there now!

Faqu immediately moves in, and delivers a foot to the gut, followed by a chop, then a big headbutt!

COACH
See what I mean?

COLE
And look at how quickly the Samoan Wrecking Ball just overpowered Charlie Moss!

Moss rolls to the apron as Faqu stomps away, then fights to his knees, before driving a shoulder into the gut of Faqu!

COLE
But look at Moss fight back!

Moss slings in over the top of Faqu, rolling along his back and coming down onto his feet.  He then delivers a kick to the gut, and attempts an Irish whip.  However, Faqu blocks, and pulls him into a knee.  Faqu then sets up a powerbomb, but Moss delivers right hands as he's up in the air.  Benjamin sneaks in from behind, and dropkicks Faqu in the back, allowing Moss to take him down with a HURRICANRANA~!

COLE
Moss with a little help from his partner, and a nice hurricanrana!

Moss delivers right hands on the mat, then drops an elbow, and covers...

1...



2...



Kickout!

Moss picks up Faqu, then whips him into the ropes, but puts his head down.  Faqu delivers a kick, bringing Moss's head back up, then delivers a THRUST KICK~!

COLE
And a big kick from Faqu, that could turn the tide in this match!

Faqu lets out a big yell, drawing boos, then tags Blonde.  Blonde stomps away on Moss, then picks him up and whips him into the ropes, catching him with a flying forearm!  Cover...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Blonde tags Faqu back in, and Faqu whips Moss into the ropes, catching him with a Samoan drop!  Cover...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Faqu then turns around and knocks Benjamin off the apron!  Faqu and Blonde double-team Moss in their corner, as Benjamin slides into the ring, but is kept at bay by the referee.  Blonde whips Moss into the ropes, but Moss ducks a clothesline and catches Blonde with a flying bodypress!  Cover...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Blonde stomps away on Moss on the mat, then sets him up, and executes the GUILT TRIP~!  Cover...

1...






2...






Kickout!

Faqu tags back in, and whips Moss into a corner, then charges, but Moss gets the foot up!  Moss crawls over towards his corner, attempting to make the tag, but Faqu manages to come through to grab his foot, then Blonde comes in and stomps away, before the referee backs him off.  Faqu backs into the ropes, and attempts a BIG SPLASH, but Moss rolls out of the way, and this time MAKES THE TAG~!

COLE
Tag made, Quentin Benjamin back in!

Blonde is also back in, and immediately gets caught with a clothesline!  And another!  Benjamin whips him into the ropes, and catches him with a BIG backdrop!  Cover...


1...







2...







Kickout!

Benjamin backs Blonde into a corner, and delivers right hands as the crowd counts along!

1!!!


2!!!


3!!!


4!!!


5!!!


6!!!


Suddenly, Benjamin jumps backwards to meet Faqu, delivering some more rights!  Moss then brings Blonde out of the corner, and signals to Benjamin.

COACH
Uh-oh...look out, James!

Moss backs into the ropes, and Benjamin moves in to sweep the leg of Blonde as Moss hits him with a clothesline!

COLE
Double Goozle~!

Benjamin and Moss then hook Faqu, and lift him in a double suplex, then drops him back down onto Blonde!

COLE
And Team Heyross using the body of Faqu to squash James Blonde!

Moss then scoops Blonde onto his shoulders, as Benjamin starts to scale the ropes...when suddenly, Thunderkid appears to drill Benjamin on the side of the leg with a steel chair!

COACH
Look at this, Cole!

COLE
Thunderkid and Reject are here!

As Reject distracts the referee on the other side, TK quickly pulls Benjamin out and shoves him into the steel steps!  Reject then stalks around the ring, until the referee turns his back to the commotion, at which point he slides in and gives Moss a kick to the gut, then executes the EULOGY~!!!!!11111

COLE
Reject with the Eulogy on Charlie Moss!  The referee hasn't seen any of this!

Reject slides out, and he and TK retreat down the aisle, as Blonde drapes an arm over Kevin...

1...











2...









3!!!

*DING DING DING*

COLE
DAMN IT!  Team Heyross is eliminated!

BUFFER
The winners of the match, advancing to the finals of the Los Infernales Bracket...the team of JAMES BLONDE and the Samoan Wrecking Ball, FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUU!!!!!

COACH
I guess Reject and TK were going to personally make sure that Team Heyross didn't get another opportunity at their titles!

COLE
So, the team representing Cucaracha Internacional will be one of the final four teams contending for that World tag team title shot at AngleMania VIII!  Right now, let's go to...

Team Heyross is shown standing in the ring, disappointed, as the crowd shows its appreciation.

[Chanel #99]

The Wall by Kansas hits, and Reject walks through the curtains, accompanied by Melissa Nerdly.  Following them out are Thunderkid, Mr. Dick and Malaysia, and Sandman9000.  Everyone is dressed in black, and Melissa is "crying."

COLE
And here comes the Deadly Alliance, another group I'm just dying to hear from!

Everyone enters the ring, and Reject grabs a mic from ringside.

REJECT
It's a very special occasion tonight!  You see, it looks like Alfdogg, one of the OAOAST Originals, has walked out on the OAOAST.  A very dark moment, to be sure.  So, the Deadly Alliance decided to wear all black to mourn the loss of Alfdogg here tonight.

*crowd boos*

COACH
How thoughtful!

REJECT
And we've had plenty of practice in this field...myself, Sandman and Thunderkid...because we've all been mourning the gradual loss of our dignity for the last ten months.  For months, the three of us carried all the gold our arms could hold, while our "fearless leader" continued to fall short against the likes of Tha Puerto Rican.

*mixed reaction*

REJECT
How long could three winners, such as ourselves, handle accepting leadership from a LOSER?

*crowd boos*

REJECT
That's why we came up with the new member, Mr. Dick.  This guy just broke free of the tag ranks a few months ago, and is already a top-flight OAOAST contender!  He came closer to winning the World title than you ever did against PRL!  We knew all along that when the time was right, we'd ditch you, Alf.

*crowd boos*

REJECT
And when we did, we'd finally be able to focus on our own careers, and the career of the Deadly Alliance.

*crowd boos*

REJECT
And we're glad we were able to help you see the error of your ways, "friend."  This is our time now.  Time for the Deadly Alliance to stop riding on your past glory.  Time for you to step aside and allow a younger, Deadlier breed to pass through.  That time...is NOW.

The Wall plays, as Reject tosses down the mic, and the Deadly Alliance exits the ring.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, we find the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, still not exactly revelling in that title at the moment. He walks glumly through the hallways, passing the interview setup on his way. Among those gathered off camera are Zack Malibu and Maggie Nerdly, the former breaking away from the OAOAST's It Girl and jogging up behind Leon.

ZACK
Hey! Hey, are you okay Leon?

LEON
Oh yeah, never better.

Sensing the exact opposite, Zack pulls Leon up.

LEON
Did you see what happened out there?

ZACK
Yeah, I saw.

LEON
I mean, hey, I guess I should be happy. No easier way to defend a title than having your challenger walk out right in the middle of the match! But, really, what the hell is that all about?

ZACK
I don't know. Kid's got a bad attitude. Anyway, listen, I was hoping we could talk.

LEON
You too, huh?

Not having been privy to Leon's conversation earlier, Zack looks confused for a second, but soon shrugs it off.

ZACK
Look, I know you're feeling a little frustrated at how things are going recently and this is no reflection on that. This has been something I've been waiting to ask for a while. So, here goes. If you're game, how would you feel about defending the title against me?

Not quite what he expected to hear Leon just stands silent for a few seconds.

ZACK
Leon?

LEON
Sorry. Just, caught me off guard. You're challenging me for the Celtic Spectacular?

ZACK
Not 'challenging', as such. But I'm asking, friend to friend. Nothing to do with you, it's just now I've got Moneymaker out of the way, I'm looking at the Rumble and I'm looking at AngleMania coming up and thinking, "what if", you know? I don't want you to take offence or anything...

LEON
No no, don't be stupid. It'd be my honour to defend against you.

ZACK
Really?

LEON
Absolutely. And not just because we're friends. You've earned it, having to put up with Moneymaker, all that garbage. You stood up for what was right and you came out the better man, that's reason enough in my book. Plus, maybe I'll get a fair and reasonable title defence for once dealing with you. So as long as you promise not to go walking out on me, friend to friend, consider it done.

Leon offers his hand and the two shake on it.

LEON
So, shall we go talk contracts?

ZACK
I'd rather go grab a beer.

LEON
I can deal with that.

The old friends walk off and we go back to the arena.

COLE
Wow, can you believe that Coach!? What a match made for the Celtic Spectacular in Boston, Zack Malibu challenging Leon Rodez for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship! A dream match in Beantown!

COACH
That's going to be something, no doubt.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

EARLIER THIS WEEK


DUNCAN FAMILY MANSION
MALIBU, CALIFORNIA

We find ourselves at the Duncan Family Mansion, like I just said That's Duncan Family, not Duncan Girls. See, this mansion belongs to Krista's parents, making it Duncan Family. Get me? Either way the scene is set in the front hallway where Krista and her congressman father stand with somber expressions



CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
To all my friends and family, to those residents of the great state of California, and to those good honest people that watch the OAOAST I want to greet you with a warm hello. I’d also like to extend my humble and heartfelt gratitude to the excellent men and women of the OAOAST for opening their arms and letting me into their hearts.

KRISTA
They really are wonderful, aren’t they, daddy?

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
They definitely are, sugar. I had the time of my life on the 300th episode of HeldDOWN.

KRISTA
We’re hoping for a lot more of that crazy, kooky, and wonderful show!

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
We are indeed, dear. I had the greatest joy any father could possibly ever have, and that’s watching his daughter compete for the greatest prize in her chosen profession. I remember a time when this little angel used to sit in my lap and she would wear her adorable tiara, and she’d tell me she was going to be queen of the world. I told her she only had to be herself, and that would make her a queen to me.

KRISTA
Oh daddy, you’re great.

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
But my princess kept on chugging and fighting to be the best at everything she did. That’s the Duncan family spirit, and that’s the spirit of America.

KRISTA
Daddy, I love my country. I just love it!

MOLLY
Huh?

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
I do to. But there’s a man, who like the opponents of President Obama’s  stimulus package, don’t want to see the American Spirit thrive. His name is Jock Mulligan, and he is an enemy of you, myself, my daughter and anyone who’s proud of their country. My daughter fought so courageously and so valiantly to win the OAOAST World Title.

KRISTA
Oh, daddy, I just wanted to make you proud!

MOLLY
Wait…something…is odd.

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
I’m already proud of you, pumpkin. This man violated the faith and friendship of those Americans who paid they hard earned dollar to see my daughter perform at the height of competition. His interference hurt me not only as a father, but also as an elected official. For I know the importance of heroes in these trying times, and we have been violated by a villain.

KRISTA
Oh, daddy, I’m so afraid! You’ll protect me won’t you?

MOLLY
Ummm…..

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
Of course daddy will, just like he always has. I will also protect the rights and freedoms of the OAOAST Marks. This kind of attack against them is an attack against the very fiber of what America stands for. Jock Mulligan, as a United States congressman, I promise you that lady justice will bring you your day of reckoning.

AIDE
Congressman Duncan, you have a phonecall.

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
If you’ll excuse me, I should take this.

Congressman Duncan exits stage left or in this case just goes into his office.

MOLLY
Your father is such a well spoken man! And I must say you are a bastion of kindess and grace today.

KRISTA
Uh-huh. Mister Dick, you oiled up hairless little fuck ball, you listen and you listen good! I don’t know what kind of fucked up shit you thought you were pulling but I’m about to bury your hillbilly ass so deep in shit you’ll think you were living in a god damn septic tank!

MOLLY


KRISTA
I didn’t take the title match because I’m just dying to add an OAOAST title to my spring wardrobe, although the gold would certainly match my Louis Bouton pumps. I did it to A screw over that miserable scumheel Leon Rodez and B give my daughters and my dear father the nice present of their beloved Krista being cheered by nearly a hundred thousand people. For some reason you decided not to let me do either, now you are going to die. I am going to rip out your mother fucking eye balls and staple them to your tailbone so you can see just how far I’m going to shove my foot up your ass. I will douse you in gasoline, and throw you into a pit of lit matches infested by fireproof man eating chimps, who will beat your burnt corpse like a bongo drums with your charred bones. You are fucking dead! Tell that to everyone you know, tell your mom you are fucking dead, tell your dad you are fucking dead, tell your chiropractor your herbalist your sex therapist you are fucking dead! You will be spending your last days swinging from a powerline by your little microscopic underused useless testicles! Your’s in love and tenderness, Krista Isadora Duncan.

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN (from the other room)
Krissy, pumpkin, what was all that yelling I heard?

KRISTA
Oh daddy, it was awful! As soon you left the room, Molly started cursing and yelling at me, it was just so terrible, I’ve never heard language like that in my life.

MOLLY
I did no such thing!

CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN
Pack your bags, Nerdly, you’re going back to Canada.

MOLLY

[Chanel #99]

"Like The Angel" by Rise Against hits, and identical twin sensations MARV and MEL emerge through a purple haze sporting “Phelps Phan” t-shirts under their CAE logo jackets. They do the old Rock ‘n’ Roll Express leaping high-five and two pyrotechnic rockets fire into the air.

BUFFER
The following second round Anderson Cup bout is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, at a total combined weight of 370 pounds and hailing from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada… MARV and MEL… THE CHRIST AIR EXXXXXXXXXXPPRRRRREEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

MARV and MEL do that baby face thing down the aisle, tossing aside their jackets/shirts once inside.

COLE
As you OAOAST Marks can see, the Christ Air Express are without sister Melody. This after Theodore Moneymaker demanded the princess of pushbutton, the queen of geek be barred from ringside.

COACH
It’s the least OAOAST President Josie Baker could do after that freak Ragdoll destroyed Teddy’s property. He’s got a slam dunk case and Josie knows it, that’s why she bent over and took it up the ass!

COLE
At this time I want to remind everybody to join me and my new co-host right here live next week on TSM. I’m also told Melody Nerdly has sent an email stating recent pictures of her floating around online are photoshopped.

COACH
Yeah, a few more pounds and she'll be able to float around alright.

“Money Talks” by AC/DC blasts through the speakers.

BUFFER
And their opponents, representing THE ENTERPRISE. First, from our nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., weighing approximately '8 and 1/3 BARS OF GOLD'…”THE NATURAL” CHRISTIAN WRRRRRRRRIGHT! His tag team partner, 237 pounds from Vero Beach, Florida… “THE BILLION DOLLAR HEIR” THEODORE MMMOOOONNEYMAKER!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Wright and Moneymaker are all business marching to the ring. The Billion Dollar Heir virtually expressionless until a “Why so serious?” poster is waved in front of him.

MONEYMAKER


Theodore rips the sign apart which brings a smile to his face.  

COACH
There’s the Teddy we all know and love.

COLE
Maybe for you it is. But speaking of love, there’s none lost here, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s take you back to last year’s Enterprise “shareholders meeting”.

OAOAST FLASHBACK

Inside [Reliant Stadium] a stage has been setup on a raised platform, the likes of which you’d typical see at a concert or political convention, with a "WELCOME SHAREHOLDERS" banner hanging overhead and Enterprise logo on the video wall. There’s even live entertainment courtesy of THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS who perform with the spotlight solely on them as the rest of the stadium is blacked out.

Suddenly a PLANE buzzes overhead, causing everyone to duck and then have a laugh once it passes over.

MONEYMAKER
BWAHAHA! For a second there I thought we were under attack.

The plane buzzes over again, but this time DIRTY BROWN WATER drops from the heavens, soaking everyone but V.I.C.E. who managed to be in the right place at the right time away from the front row and stage.

COACH
The hell?!

Mackie runs screaming out of the picture dripping wet, then the lights come on to reveal NOBODY in the stadium other than the Enterprise. The cheers, jeers and chants were piped in!

"YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The live crowd viewing the proceedings from Minute Maid Park absolutely loves that the Enterprise got humiliated.

COLE
I knew it! There’s no way a decent human being could support Theodore Moneymaker or his causes.

Detective Bosley inspects the watery substance and informs his boss that it’s not just regular water but dirty, nasty...BONG WATER!

MONEYMAKER
:firedevil:

COACH
One of the show’s lowlights by a couple of lowlifes.

Removed of their entrance attire, Moneymaker gives Wright the signal and The Natural takes his place on the apron next to his trusty briefcase. Meanwhile, MEL gets the nod for his team based on seniority, all 40.8 seconds of it.

* DINGDINGDING *

Theodore Moneymaker and MEL lockup at the sound of the bell, and Moneymaker jabs the knee into the midsection. Eager to wash the bad taste left in his mouth the last two weeks, the Billion Dollar Heir clubs MEL to his knees, then barrows an old Tony Brannigan signature move raking the eyes across the laces of the boot. Temporarily blinded MEL wanders to the wrong side of town and gets mugged by a Christian Wright European uppercut that drops him at the feet of Theodore Moneymaker.

COACH
Get a good look at this, Cole. This is the position Ragdoll will soon find himself in -- at Teddy’s feet!

Laughing at the top of his lungs, Moneymaker taunts both CAE members before paint brushing MEL. He then shoots him off to the far side, but MEL slides through the legs and dropkicks the Billion Dollar Heir! Likewise for CW when he comes in to lend Teddy a helping hand. MARV evens the odds and the CAE whip the senior E members into the same corner and monkey flip them out!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

Irate as can be, Moneymaker charges into a double backdrop, and then joins his partner outside after a MEL spinning heel kick!

“C-A-E!”
“C-A-E!”
“C-A-E!”

The crowd is RAWKING as Wright and Moneymaker re-strategize on the arena floor. A new plan Theodore enacts with the use of a sucker punch on MEL.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Series of knife edge chops soften the Phelps Phan to Moneymaker’s liking. An Irish whip ensues and MEL dazzles the audience by countering an attempted clothesline into a SWINGING BULLDOG!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

Save by CW, who proceeds to drag Teddy to their corner for the tag.  

COACH
How’s that for teamwork? I bet you’d do the same for me, Cole.

COLE
No, not really.

COACH
But I’m your broadcast partner?!

COLE
I miss Tazz.

Wright and Moneymaker aren’t the only ones to tag, so do the CAE and the new legal men lockup. As MARV and CW jockey for position, they find themselves in the corner. Ordered to break CW cheap shots MARV and fires him to the far buckle for a CORNER SPEAR, then drapes Papa Nerdly’s baby boy across his shoulders and begins to sprint forward when MARV slips out and executes a SUNSET FLIP!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

CW pops his feet and into an arm drag, which MARV follows with a quick side headlock. The Natural shoves him off but gets leveled by a shoulder tackle. Payback follows after MARV hits the ropes and gets spiked with a high-angle sit-out spine buster!

COLE
The Wright-Off!

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!

SAVE BY MEL!

Well intended, MEL does more harm than good as while he’s escorted back to the corner Wright and Moneymaker put the boots to his brother.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
Let that be a lesson to all the kids out there. You smoke dope and you’re gonna end up looking like one in a pressure situation.

Theodore claps overhead in hopes of getting the official, his back turned, to think a tag was made. And since that official just happens to be Clem Buzzlefoxer, it sadly works.

COLE
Poor Clem. He’s taken more advantage of than the American taxpayer.

Back elbow finds its mark, and then Moneymaker drops A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS. Instead of going for the cover he stalks MARV and when the time is right locks him in THE BANK VAULT!!

COACH
He’s got MARV locked inside and only Teddy knows the code, Mikey.

COLE
MARV in serious trouble here. Can he hang on?

COACH
He might if that idiot brother of his goes in and breaks it up.

COLE
I think MEL is a little gun-shy following what happened the last time he interfered. Though you gotta love the fact he’s giving his younger brother a chance to fight out of this on his own. Anybody with a brother of their own will understand.

“SK8TE OR DIE!”
“SK8TE OR DIE!”
“SK8TE OR DIE!”

Starting to go spaghetti-leg MARV nails a desperation JAWBREAKER!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

MARV shakes off the cobwebs and goes for the tag, but Christian Wright rushes inside and knocks MEL off the apron, then hauls MARV back to the Enterprise corner.

COLE
What a bad break for the Christ Air Express. MARV feet away from the tag.

A tag is made and CW delivers a MIDDLE ROPE ELBOWDROP across the back of MARV!

ONE!

TWO!

SAVE BY MEL!

COACH
Oh, yeah. MEL waits until CW isn’t looking to strike him. At least Melody went chest to flat chest with Jade. She’s got bigger balls than them.

COLE


NIGHTMARE ON WALLSTREET leads to THE WALLSTREET CLOVERLEAF!

COACH
There it is, Cole. That’s the move that got Teddy and CW into the second round and will into the MWC Conference Finals.

MEL doesn’t bullshit around this time. He comes up behind CW and executes a sick FULL NELSON FACEBUSTER!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Talk about a bailout package that’ll save jobs. That just might have kept the identical twin sensations Anderson Cup hopes alive.

“SK8TE OR DIE!”
“SK8TE OR DIE!”
“SK8TE OR DIE!”

Fueled by the crowd, MARV inches towards his corner in search of the tag. MEL stretched out as far as humanly possibly egging on his baby brother. But it’s Christian Wright and Theodore Moneymaker who tag first. The Billion Dollar Heir’s top priority to prevent the CAE from doing the same, but MARV lunges forward and tags MEL!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

Jaw dropped in classic heel fashion Moneymaker begs off, but MEL shows no mercy and hammers away. Fired into the ropes Theodore is back dropped, and then whipped to the buckle where MEL soars in on a flying corner clothesline! Moneymaker falls onto his back near the corner and the crowd rises to their feet sensing what’s next.

COLE
Is it Shooting Star time?

MEL flashes the RAWK~ sign and ascends to the top…only to be shoved down to the mat by CW!

COACH
Look at that, Cole. A falling star!

Stomped by Wright and Moneymaker, MEL is sent for the ride. But he ducks a double clotheslines and MARV trips up both E members! He pulls CW outside while MEL sets to NOSEPLANT Theodore. Moneymaker flips him over but MEL lands on his feet, evades another clothesline and shoots off the ropes into a POWERSLAM!

The cover is made as CW holds up MARV.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE-- NO, KICKOUT!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

MONEYMAKER


As MARV and CW brawl outside, Theodore drags MEL near the corner and climbs onto the middle rope.

DIVING BACK ELBOW…BUT NOBODY’S HOME!

The Billion Dollar Heir returns to a vertical base slightly loopy. Not totally aware of his surroundings he’s driven into the ropes and rolled up from behind! Meanwhile, MARV is STUN GUN on the guardrail and CW returns inside to deliver a SUPERKICK that enables Teddy to roll through!  

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

COACH
They did it! You know what this means, Cole? Teddy and CW vs. V.I.C.E. in the MWC Conference Finals!

COLE
I think we all know how that one will go.

COACH
Yeah, a full 60 minutes. We may need multiple overtime periods to settle that one.

COLE


BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners, advancing to the MWC Conference Finals… “THE NATURAL” CHRISTIAN WRIGHT and “THE BILLION DOLLAR HEIR” THEODORE MONEYMAKER!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Moneymaker and Wright taunt the CAE and their stoners (the boys’ version of Hulkamanics) before raising their hands in triumph.  

COLE
A heartbreaking loss for the Christ Air Express.

COACH
And the best part is, there’s no excuses. Teddy and CW won it fair and square.

COLE
You’re right about that. It was a terrific match with a disappointing outcome for many OAOAST Marks.  Wright and Moneymaker may be a lock to be in the Anderson Cup Finals, but it’s no guarantee they’ll go on to win it all. The Beverly Hills Blonds are still very much alive.

COACH
So they got lucky against Mr. Dick and Malaysia, who both had a lot of things on their minds I might add. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to drop their conference final match to avoid facing Teddy and CW in the Finals.

COLE
I think you have the Blonds confused with V.I.C.E.

COACH
Oh, you’re so gonna hear from them for that.

COLE
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve still come a whole lot more to come. So don’t you dare go away!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

In the hallways of the locker room we find Baron Windells, sucking up to the crowd in a Cardnials jersey, chatting intensely with PRL. Tha Puerto Rican scribbles down notes at a rapid pace as Baron continues to prattle away.

BARON
Now when ya get the guy in the headlock he flips out because he’s got this thing about people being around his neck. It ain’t the most exciting way to win a match, but its guranteed gonna work. Ya gotta watch out for his Stiff Kick cause that thing can kill ya dead! But he always lets ya know its comin. Keep an eye out for his nostrils flairin’ and that’ll tell ya it’s a comin!

Suddenly Baron is interrupted by Krista and Alix, dressed in fashionable leather coats and boot cut jeans, as if they just stopped by on their way out.

ALIX
Exsqueeze us! Can we chat with this dude for seccy-weccy or two?

BARON
No, pardon me, ma’am. Ya’ll have a blessed day. Puerto, best of luck to ya.

Baron gives PRL the FISTPOUND~! and nods the ladies a fond farewell.

PRL
Now the Latin Lion knows just what he can for you, and he can do it real, real, well, but I like some give and take when I’m making the motion in the ocean, so what can you do for me?

KRISTA
Have you been exhibiting signs of other mental disorders such as paranoia or delusion? What about mental loss? Loss of judgment?

ALIX
Menstrual irregularities.?

KRISTA
What? That’s not one of the symptoms!

ALIX
Uh, I kinda think it is.

KRISTA
Uh, I kinda think you’re a retard. That’s what I uh, kinda think. Duh duh duh!

ALIX
I majored in physiology.

KRISTA
For like a month! Then you switched to Dance in postmodern Russia. That was a real useful major, wasn’t it?

ALIX
Ya know, just because someone doesn’t major in psychology or whatever the heck you majored in doesn’t mean their degree is like useless!

KRISTA
Me and all those unemployed people who majored in Dance in postermodern Russia disagree with you.

PRL
What in the blue hell are you talking about?

ALIX
Dude, do you have dementia? That’s all we were asking before you made us get on your marriage counselor couch.

PRL
Rest assured that the people’s champion, Puerto Rico’s prince, is in full control of all his organs. If you know what I mean.

ALIX
So can we chop off his scalp and eat his brains? Sorry, dude, Melody says if you cut off a dude’s scalp you get his superpower like Sylar from Heroes. But screw powers I just want to eat your brain because I’m hungry and the vending machine is out of cheetos.

KRISTA
No sorry, you’ll settle for red hots. What comes next, sweetie, is phrenology. I can’t think of anytime the science of measuring the bumps on someone's head has proven to be inaccurate.

PRL
I don’t need bumps on my head read, and I don’t need alzhemier’s packets.

ALIX
Dementia! Jeez if you just up and forgot what we said ten seconds maybe you really do have Alzheimer’s.

PRL
I just need to lay the smackdown on Mister Dick and Malaysia’s roody poo candy ass! That is if you two fine California foxes smell what I’m cooking.

KRISTA
Well, I’ve acquired the scent of your culinary preparations there, honey. But, I don’t mean to pee on your parade and tell you its  Zeus in golden raindrop form. Honey, I do understand your problem with Mister Dick I really do. After all I an astute and devoted watcher of HeldDOWN saw what he did to you. Granted I didn’t quite do anything about it, but that’s just because I..um…was playing tennis on the moon with Elenore Roosevelt.

ALIX
It’s a thing they do. I asked Teddy if he wanted to do doubles, and he hasn’t talked to me since. Dude, how am I supposed to know you’re in a wheel chair?

KRISTA
So, honey, I can understand your need to forget your big boy words or calling the cops and having him arrested for assault, or suing him for millions in damages and just go for kicking the crap out of him on a low rated cable network. But, I have to warn you stay away from Malaysia.

ALIX
It’s a terrible country where law has lost all meaning, dragons rule the skies, and nothing is as it seems!

KRISTA
And stay away from Malaysia the person.

PRL
Now the Latin Lion appreciates you dames getting all concerned for him. He really does. Its touching. But I ain’t afraid of no man, no woman, no woman pretending to be a man, or no half man half woman half piece of monkey crap that Malaysia is! And that’s the truth, Ruth!

ALIX
My name is Alix.

KRISTA
Oh honey, you should be. If you’re not going to listen to these dopes and born losers, then listen to me I’m a best selling author and my ability to write complete sentences places me at the top of the OAOAST intellectual class. Honey, Malaysia does things to people. Bad things.

ALIX
She makes them watch movies directed by Brett Ratner?

KRISTA
Much worse, so much worse. There was a part of Malaysia’s Dungeon Match you never saw.  I found myself on all-fours, about to get violated this butt-hungry, strap-on wielding monster. There were was nothing I could do! I actually could see her in the mirror, and her mouth was watering like a lion.  She wore nothing but a pair of black mules and a string of black pearls, besides the 12+" slab of rubber dildo affixed to her slim middle.  She braced herself above my naked body on her muscular arms and she only needed one thrust to send that rubber beast deep inside of me. After about two minutes of slow torturous teasing, she picked up her pace and began ramming her thick rubber dong in and out of my squirming, wriggling bottom. It was like she was bound and determined to pound the very oxygen from my lungs as she drove into me at this insane pace! I grunted and moaned with every thrust, my body struggling to accommodate her 12 inch weapon. I groaned, and tears flowed down my face as I flexed my ass-muscles, trying to avoid being completely split in half. Her powerful hips crushed my um..girly area against the leather surface of the love seat, so that my g-spot made contact with the unforgiving material with each thrust. I was suddenly aroused to the point of no return, caught up in the savage pounding. And you should’ve seen the way my boobs were bouncing up and down! I thought I was going to give myself a black eye! Honey, are you okay, you seem to be in a trance?

Krista snaps her fingers in front of PRL’s face which only slightly seems to reawaken him.

PRL
………..Damn.

ALIX
I’ll say! It blew my erotic fanfic away. So you’re gonna call this whole thing with Malaysia off, aintcha?

PRL
That’s a negative.When I promise to lay the smackdown, I gotta lay the smackdown no matter what. I have never, ever, and I mean EVVVERRRR backed down from a fight, and today isn’t a good day for firsts. You will never see Tha Puerto Rican play the coward. So what you can do is take a seat back in your dressing room, get comfortable and watch whup on Malaysia and Misterss Dick’s candy ass!

PRL raises the eyebrow to the girls before departing to go prepare for his match.

KRISTA
Hmmmm. Well, we failed to prevent a grown man from being raped, what do you want to do now?

ALIX
I dunno. Wanna go to the Waffle House?

KRISTA
Waffle House all day long.

VINNY
Can we come? We haven’t eaten all day.

TONY
WAFFLE HOUSE KICKS NANCY PELOSI’S OLD ASS!

ALIX
Sure, I guess.

TONY
That’s really BITCHIN OF YOU DUMB WHORES…great!

VINNY
Let’s go get our coats, Tony!

Vinny and Tony walk away, singing the songs of joyful carefree waffle eating. I like waffles.

KRISTA
Why did you say yes?

ALIX
Why didn’t you say no?! I expected you to say no after I said yes!

KRISTA
I didn’t want to be mean.

ALIX
Oh my god, what? When do you not want to be mean?! You're a mean and awful person, who's gigantic boobs make people overlook that. That's who you are! I can’t believe you!

TERRY
Can I come?

KRISTA
No! Why? Why would you even think that was an option?

TERRY
You let Vinny and Tony come, they aren’t even part of the gang. I am!

ALIX
What gang?

KRISTA
No you’re not! You’re not part of the gang!

ALIX
What gang?

TERRY
I am part of the gang!

ALIX
What gang?

KRISTA
No, the gang is me, Alix, Molly, and Jade. That’s the gang!

ALIX
What gang? I don't know of any gang.

TERRY
And Terry! I’m the comic relief! Lots of laughes Terry!

ALIX
What gang?!

KRISTA
There’s no moron named lots of laughes Terry in my gang!

ALIX
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! TUPAC, BIGGIE! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Terry, you can ride in the back with Saturday Night Fever, and downs syndrome. Get your stupid coat.

TERRY (to Krista)
Told you!

Terry runs off to fetch his coat.

KRISTA (calling after Terry)
That doesn’t make you part of the gang!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!
When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside
I'll leave you wetter than a flood tide
I gotta bend you over that's how I like to ride!
I date a girl who whips my hide
And my 12 inches is my greatest pride
I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!

The music segues into "Womanizer" by Britney Spears. The entrance doors slide open, and Mr. Dick and Malaysia Nerdly come out, both having cocky grins on their faces. The crowd boos quite loudly as Mr. Dick and Malaysia hit their poses as golden pyro rains down upon them. Mr. Dick cranks his neck, and then rubs his well oiled body before stepping out of the pyro. Malaysia cracks her whip, a devilish grin on her face. Mr. Dick and Malaysia walk down the entrance ramp, making sure not to let any fans touch them.

*DING DING DING*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the following Handicap Match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first. Coming to the ring at this time. The team of MALAYSIA NERDLY and MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!

The Real American Dick cups his balls as he stops at the end of the entrance ramp. Malaysia massages Mr. Dick's arms, swooning at the size of them. Mr. Dick licks his lips. Malaysia licks hers.

COLE
Mr. Dick and Malaysia are looking mighty confident.

VENTURA
And why wouldn't they be? They're 2 people! Tha Puerto Rican is 1 person! This is theirs for the taking!

COLE
Fans, please welcome back Jesse "The Body" Ventura to the broadcast position! Now that Tha Puerto Rican has returned, Coach has once again taken to running away from him like a wuss.

VENTURA
Great to be back! Not so great to be here commentating with you!

Mr. Dick slithers into the ring. He humps the mat, before standing up and throwing a fist pump! Malaysia enters the ring in a more traditional way, underneath the top ring rope. Malaysia pulls back Mr. Dick's head and licks his face, before letting him go.

VENTURA
I tell ya, Cole, these two would have never made it in the old days. The business has certainly changed, and these two are living proof! Not that I'm complaining! Evolution IS good, sometimes!

COLE
Mr. Dick has made it his mission to become the top dog in the OAOAST. He joined The Deadly Alliance. He and Malaysia put Tha Puerto Rican on the shelf back in December of last year. He competed for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship against Leon Rodez at one of our most important pay-per-views of the year, Anglepalooza.

VENTURA
Yes. And Mr. Dick will continue his meteoritic rise up the OAOAST tonight!

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican is looking for payback. Can he handle not just Mr. Dick, but Malaysia Nerdly?

Mr. Dick heads to a second turnbuckle where he cups his balls again. The crowd boos loudly. Mr. Dick chuckles. He then jumps off of the turnbuckle and heads to another second turnbuckle where he cups his balls again. The crowd boos some more. The Human Hard On smirks at the fans, and then jumps off of the second turnbuckle. Mr. Dick makes some pelvic thrusts at a fan at ringside.

COLE
Mr. Dick is apart of the new generation. But he is facing off against an 11-year veteran! A former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion! Even if it is 2-against-1, I don't believe this will be as easy as Mr. Dick and Malaysia think it will be!

VENTURA
You're right. It will be even easier! HA! HA! HA!

Mr. Dick removes his glittery white cowboy hat and hands it over to a ringside attendant, telling her in no uncertain terms to watch over his hat or else. As the ringside attendant leaves, Mr. Dick thrusts his crotch at her. He then grabs his bottle of baby oil that he kept in the back of his tights and starts rubbing it all over himself. Malaysia cracks her whip a few times.

VENTURA
It takes a real man, a Real American Dick, to wear that much baby oil!

"Womanizer" by Britney Spears dies down. The crowd buzzes in anticipation for Tha Puerto Rican's entrance. Malaysia paces back and forth in the ring while Mr. Dick continues lathering himself up with baby oil. Malaysia cracks her whip again.  

COLE
PRL, about ready to make his return to HeldDOWN~!

"P.R.!"
"P.R.!"
"P.R.!"
"P.R.!"

Mr. Dick bends over, while Malaysia massages his back. Both look to the entrance.

(Dramatic pause.)

"THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP..."

*DUN DUN*

"...IS..."

*DUN*

"...HERE!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

With that, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, the PRL entrance video plays on the AngleTron and "Know Your Role 2000" begins playing, with the crowd standing up and cheering loudly. The lights go down inside of the arena. PR is heard saying, "THE CHAMP IS HERE!" in tune with the beat of the song. Smoke fills the entrance stage, and spotlights circle around and around the arena. A few seconds elapsed, the entrance doors slide open and Tha Puerto Rican quickly saunters out through the smoke and power walks down the entrance ramp, not stopping at all, and keeping his eyes focused on the ring. The crowd cheers louder than before.

BUFFER
And their opponent. Coming to the ring at this time. From San Juan, Puerto Rico. Weighing in at 220 pounds. He is a former One And Only AngleSault Thread Heavyweight Champion of the Woooorrrrrlllllllldddddddddddddddddddd...He is THA PUERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

COLE
The Most Electrifying Man In Professional Wrestling has returned! After being sidelined by a bicep tear, he is back at 100%, and ready to go after the man who put him on the shelf!

VENTURA
Tha Puerto Rican is a fool for challenging Mr. Dick and Malaysia Nerdly to a Handicap Match! Once again, his pride and ego are getting the best of him!

Tha Puerto Rican stops at the end of the entrance ramp to stare down Mr. Dick and Malaysia. He then continues his walk, slapping hands with the fans at ringside. He then power walks around the ringside area.

COLE
The Lightning Bolts are here and they couldn't be happier to see their hero once again!

VENTURA
It makes me sick how easily led the OAOAST Marks are! This is the same guy who badmouthed them for FOUR YEARS! FOUR YEARS! Then he spends ONE YEAR sucking up to them, and all of a sudden, they love him!? This is a messed up world that we live in! A messed up world!

Tha Puerto Rican high fives a five-year-old boy wearing a Puerto Rican flag bandana, and then climbs up the ring steps. Tha Puerto Rican gets onto the ring apron. He gives the fans The People's Eyebrow. Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring. He spins around; soaking in the fans' cheers while "Know Your Role 2000" continues playing over the P.A. system. Tha Puerto Rican does the HBK muscle pose while pyro goes off behind him. Tha Puerto Rican jumps up at the last pyro blast. PRL smiles at the fans.

COLE
This arena is electric!

Tha Puerto Rican winks at the fans, and then walks with a swagger in his step to a second turnbuckle, where he proceeds to raise his hands into the air. The crowd cheers loudly. PRL nods his head and smiles. Mr. Dick looks on as Tha Puerto Rican hops off of the second turnbuckle, and then heads to the opposite second turnbuckle, where he proceeds to raise his hands into the air again. The crowd cheers some more.

THA PUERTO RICAN
THAT'S RIGHT! HA! HA!

Tha Puerto Rican gets off of the second turnbuckle, and then heads to a third second turnbuckle. Once there, he raises his right fist into the air while he "smells the electricity" as a single spotlight shines down on him ala The Rock. PRL grins, and then gets off of the second turnbuckle. Tha Puerto Rican heads to the fourth second turnbuckle--and gets sidetracked by Mr. Dick, who charges at him with a right hand--DUCKED! Tha Puerto Rican fires with Rock-style punches to the temple that rocks Mr. Dick!

COLE
Mr. Dick looking to draw first blood and it backfired!

The lights go back on inside of the arena. "Know Your Role 2000" dies down. Referee Earl Hebner calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH
THA PUERTO RICAN vs. MR. DICK AND MALAYSIA NERDLY
Tha Puerto Rican continues firing Rock punches, dazing Mr. Dick! PRL grabs Mr. Dick by his left hand, and then whips him into the ropes. Tha Puerto Rican fires with a clothesline! PRL then runs towards Malaysia, and knocks her off of the ring apron with a punch!

COLE
PRL got Malaysia!

VENTURA
Fluke!

Mr. Dick charges forward again...and gets thrown over the top rope and onto the floor!

COLE
Some payback from the Lethal Rumble Match!

VENTURA
But it didn't count that time!

Tha Puerto Rican plays to the cheering fans! He removes his sunglasses and hands them over to a ringside attendant. He then removes his earring from his left ear and also hands it to the same ringside attendant. PRL then lets out a scream!

COLE
The Latin Lion is ready to fight!

Tha Puerto Rican exits the ring. He grabs Mr. Dick, and starts punching him in the face! But the punching stops when Malaysia hits PRL in the back of the neck with a forearm shot! But the forearm shot only causes PRL to stumble! P.R. quickly regains his balance and turns his attention over to Malaysia. The crowd cheers loudly, wanting The P.R. Menace to get some of the S&M freak! Malaysia dares PRL to come get her. PRL nods his head.

COLE
Uh-oh. PR better be careful. He has no idea who he is messing with!

VENTURA
Krista warned him!

PR walks over to Malaysia, but gets grabbed from behind by Mr. Dick!

VENTURA
Brilliant!

PRL tries to escape, but is unable to! Malaysia licks her lips, nods her head, and then charges forward...PRL moves out of the way...and Malaysia clotheslines Mr. Dick!

COLE
Not so brilliant anymore!

VENTURA
Shut up.

Mr. Dick holds his face in pain! Malaysia is in shock, but only for a second. Fortunately for Tha Puerto Rican, that second is all he needed to grab Malaysia and throw her back into the ring!

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican is going after Malaysia Nerdly!

VENTURA
His ass is going to feel sore tomorrow morning!

PR slides into the ring underneath the bottom ring rope. He then starts stomping on Malaysia with his shaky leg kicks before she can get up!

VENTURA
He's kicking a woman!

COLE
That's no woman, Jess!

VENTURA
What on Earth do you mean by that, Cole!? She has breasts. She has a vagina. She's a woman! Are you seriously that stupid, Michael!? You're more worse than McMahon ever was! No wonder he has to yell in your ear every single week!

PRL grabs Malaysia's right leg and tugs on it several times! Suddenly, Mr. Dick comes back onto the ring apron. PRL sees this out of the corner of his eye and goes after him! But Dickzilla is one step ahead and bails before Tha Puerto Rican could get his hands on him! PR taunts Mr. Dick, and The Human Hard On responds by cupping his balls and laughing. PRL sneers at Mr. Dick and then turns around...right into a clothesline from Malaysia!

COLE
Oh my! Malaysia with a BRUTAL clothesline on The People's Champ!

VENTURA
He has no idea what he's in for!

Malaysia looks at Mr. Dick and smiles. The crowd boos loudly. Malaysia stomps on PRL and then picks him up. She scoops PRL up. Malaysia parades around the ring holding Tha Puerto Rican. Devestating Bodyslam onto the mat!

COLE
What power!

Malaysia picks Tha Puerto Rican up again. She starts punching Puerto in the face! Malaysia's right jabs stun the former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion!

VENTURA
Malaysia is going to leave bruises all over Tha Puerto Rican’s body!

COLE
She enjoys dishing out pain almost as much as she enjoys receiving it!

VENTURA
How hot did putting PRL on the shelf make her, I wonder?

Malaysia goes for a punch--BLOCKED! PRL fires off with a Rock-style punch to the temple! And then another! And then another! Tha Puerto Rican fires away with his trademarked(HA!) Rock punches to the crowd's delight! Malaysia is now dazed and confused! Puerto grabs Malaysia and whips her into a neutral corner. P.R. rushes forward...Stinger Splash! P.R. grabs Malaysia and whips her into the opposite neutral corner. PRL charges forward...right into a raised right foot from Malaysia! PRL stumbles around the ring, right into a kick in the gut from Malaysia, followed by a front facelock and then a DDT!

COLE
DDT from Malaysia ON PRL!

VENTURA
If she jumped up in the air a bit, she would have done a P.R. Nightmare on Tha Puerto Rican!

COLE
You're right. And imagine how embarrassing that would have been for P.R.!

VENTURA
Very much so, which is why I wished it had happened!

Malaysia covers PRL. Earl Hebner counts.

1...







2...









LEFT SHOULDER UP!!!!!!

COLE
Malaysia came close to a pinfall with that one!

VENTURA
If Malaysia pinned PRL, his ego would be crushed!

COLE
I'm sure it would be, partner.

Malaysia is slightly miffed, but soldiers on. She picks Tha Puerto Rican up by his hair, and then takes him over to her corner where Mr. Dick is waiting with his right foot on the top ring rope. Malaysia slams PR's face into Mr. Dick's right boot! She then tags in Dickzilla.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

VENTURA
Here we go! Looks like PRL's comeback will be cut short here!

Mr. Dick enters the ring and immediately pounces on Tha Puerto Rican with right jabs to the face! PRL rests on the ropes, but the Cocky Prick will not stop, pummeling PRL with his rights!

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican, I don't think, has realized the severity of the situation until now! He is on his own! He can't tag in anybody!

VENTURA
Just another example of what happens when you let pride control you! I feel no sympathy for the man!

Mr. Dick chokes Tha Puerto Rican with his right boot!

"COME ON NOW! BREAK IT UP!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIV--!"

Mr. Dick lets go just at the count of five! Earl Hebner reprimands Mr. Dick, but Dickzilla pleads innocence, and then laughs evilly. PRL clutches his throat.

"P.R.!"
"P.R.!"
"P.R.!"
"P.R.!"

Mr. Dick goes back to punching PRL in the face repeatedly! He makes the tag to Malaysia. Malaysia enters the ring. She goes for a punch--BLOCKED! PRL fires off with a Rock-style punch to the temple!

VENTURA
She should stop going for a punch!

PRL continues with the punches, dazing the Nerdly girl! However, Malaysia soon stops the punching with a rake of the eyes! Malaysia grabs PRL by his left hand and then whips him into the ropes. Malaysia goes for a clothesline, Tha Puerto Rican ducks the clothesline, turns around, stops in his tracks, Malaysia turns around...

KICK

WHAM

P.R. NIGHT--

NO!!!

MR. DICK CLUBS THA PUERTO RICAN IN THE BACK WITH A FOREARM!

COLE
Malaysia seconds away from receiving the P.R. Nightmare!

VENTURA
Yeah! But Mr. Dick saved her! What a Real American he is!

COLE
Yeah. A Real American Dick!

VENTURA
He thanks you for the compliment!

Tha Puerto Rican collapses onto the mat. So, Malaysia walks over and chokes PRL with her right foot!

EARL HEBNER
COME ON NOW! BREAK IT UP! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIV--!

Malaysia lets go at the count of four! She then picks Tha Puerto Rican up. She slams PRL's face into a top turnbuckle pad! Malaysia chokes PRL with her bare hands!

"BREAK IT UP, MALAYSIA!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIV--!"

Malaysia lets go just before the count of 5! Earl Hebner reprimands her for the nonstop choking. Malaysia just backs away, her hands up in the air and a sly smile on her face. As the referee continues his reprimanding, Mr. Dick chokes PRL with the tag rope!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

COLE
Sure is a lot of choking Tha Puerto Rican going on!

VENTURA
Why of course! Autoerotic asphyxiation is one of Mr. Dick and Malaysia Nerdly's favourite pastimes!

Malaysia grabs Tha Puerto Rican and gives him a snapmare takeover! She then takes a few steps back...and then delivers a dropkick to PR's neck! Malaysia goes for the cover!

1...





2...






KICK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VENTURA
Damn.

Malaysia glares angrily at the referee. As another "P.R.!" chant starts up, Malaysia picks Tha Puerto Rican up. She punches PRL in the face. PRL punches her right back! Malaysia punches PRL in the face again! PRL punches Malaysia in the face again! Malaysia punches PRL! PRL punches Malaysia! PRL! Malaysia! PRL! Malaysia! PRL! Malaysia! PRL! PRL! PRL! PRL! PRL delivers an Irish whip on Malaysia. Malaysia bounces off of the ropes, right into a Samoan Drop! PRL applauds himself. The crowd applauds him too.

COLE
Vintage PRL!

PRL gets up and knocks Mr. Dick off of the ring apron!

COLE
There's a shot for Mr. Dick!

VENTURA
Cheater.

Earl Hebner checks on Mr. Dick. While this is going on, Malaysia nails PRL with a mule kick right in the groin!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

VENTURA
HA! HA! HA! I LOVE IT!

Tha Puerto Rican holds onto The People's Jewels, and then crumbles onto the mat! He winces in pain as Malaysia slowly gets back up.

COLE
The People's Jewels took a beating there!

VENTURA
Look at Malaysia's legs! Big, smooth and muscular! That HAD to make it hurt even moreso than it would normally!

Malaysia gets up. She chokes PRL with her bare hands!

"COME ON NOW! BREAK IT UP!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FI--!"

Malaysia lets go. She glares angrily at Earl Hebner. She starts punching PRL in the face repeatedly. Mr. Dick roots her on. Malaysia again chokes PRL with her right foot!

"MA-LAY-SIA SUCKS!"
"MA-LAY-SIA SUCKS!"
"MA-LAY-SIA SUCKS!"
"MA-LAY-SIA SUCKS!"

VENTURA
She sucks something, all right! It's 12 inches long!

COLE
Will you stop!?

Malaysia stops choking PRL.

COLE
PRL is struggling to breathe!

VENTURA
I like what I am seeing!

Malaysia gets up and pulls Tha Puerto Rican a few inches from the ropes. She then jogs on over to the opposite ropes. Malaysia eyes Tha Puerto Rican, and then jogs forward, jumping up and jumping down with a knee across Tha Puerto Rican's throat!

COLE
Kneedrop by Malaysia Nerdly! And a great one at that!

VENTURA
She's got him cornered, Michael Cole! She's going in for the kill!

Malaysia stops to look at the crowd! She then sneers at them. The crowd boos loudly.

MR. DICK
You got him! You got him! FINISH HIM! FINISH HIM OFF!

Malaysia jogs on over to the opposite ropes again. She eyes Tha Puerto Rican with evil intentions. Malaysia jogs forward, jumps up and jumps down...crashing right into the mat as Tha Puerto Rican has moved out of the way!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

COLE
She missed it that time!

VENTURA
Oh no.

The crowd starts to come alive again as Tha Puerto Rican gets to his feet! PRL paces around the ring, and then stops to get into his predator position. Mr. Dick frantically warns Malaysia to look out. But Malaysia is too busy clutching her right knee to hear the warnings.

COLE
Look out Malaysia!

VENTURA
OH NO!

Malaysia gets on her right knee. She then slowly gets up. PRL stands right behind her.

COLE
Malaysia is in a bad way here!

Malaysia slowly rises to a vertical base. She turns around.

KICK

WHAM

P.R. NIGHTMARE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111

COLE
P.R. Nightmare! P.R. Nightmare on Malaysia Nerdly!

VENTURA
NO!

The crowd explodes with cheers! Tha Puerto Rican covers Malaysia Nerdly hooking her right leg! Mr. Dick screams! Referee Earl Hebner counts. The crowd counts along.

1...













2...












2 ½














2.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999














3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*DING DING DING* (7:45)

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican wins! What a return to HeldDOWN~!

"Know Your Role 2000" starts playing. The crowd cheers loudly. Tha Puerto Rican lets out a "YEAH!" Earl Hebner raises PRL's hands in victory.

BUFFER
Here is your winner...THA PUERTOO---

Mr. Dick attacks PRL before Michael Buffer can even finish! "Know Your Role 2000" dies down. The crowd boos loudly as Mr. Dick puts the boots to Tha Puerto Rican! The bell rings repeatedly, but of course, Mr. Dick ain't paying attention!

COLE
Mr. Dick attacks as soon as the bell rings!

VENTURA
PRL put his hands on his woman! This is the logical conclusion, Michael Cole!

COLE
The match is over! PRL won!

VENTURA
Like he cares! He's Mr. Dick! He can do whatever he wants!

Mr. Dick hammers away at Tha Puerto Rican while the crowd chants "P.R.!" The Real American Dick grabs Tha Puerto Rican, ripping off his Puerto Rican flag bandana in the process, and shoves him into a turnbuckle corner, where he proceeds to stomp a mudhole in him and walk it dry! Malaysia has yet to move a muscle.

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican getting beaten to a pulp by Mr. Dick!

VENTURA
I'm getting a sense of déjà vu here!

COLE
This is just like it was back in December! Mr. Dick delivering a brutal beatdown on Tha Puerto Rican!

VENTURA
He is going to reinjure that bicep, Cole! I can feel it!

COLE
God, I hope not!

Mr. Dick chokes PRL with his right boot! He continues stomping Tha Puerto Rican!

"KRI-STA!"
"KRI-STA!"
"KRI-STA!"
"KRI-STA!"

VENTURA
Krista ain't here! She's already left the building! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Mr. Dick taunts Tha Puerto Rican in between stomping him!

MR. DICK
YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BOY! YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'!

Mr. Dick starts punching PRL in the face! The rights and lefts further aggravate the already hurt Latin Lion! Mr. Dick continues taunting The Great One and punching him in the face...that is until KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN runs down the entrance ramp and slides into the ring!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

COLE
Hey! Krista is here!

VENTURA
I thought she left!

COLE
I guess not!

Krista grabs Mr. Dick and starts laying into him with rights! The punches daze the big Texan and bring the crowd to its collective feet!

COLE
Krista and Mr. Dick! These two will meet at AngleMania VIII!

VENTURA
She caught him unprepared! That's all! Mr. Dick, fight back!

Krista unleashes the fury on Dickzilla! Mr. Dick starts fighting back with rights of his own!

VENTURA
There we go!

But that ends when Tha Puerto Rican grabs Mr. Dick and starts laying the smackdown on him!

VENTURA
Crap!

Tha Puerto Rican hammers Mr. Dick with Rock-style punch after Rock-style punch to the temple!

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican is a house EN FUEGO~!

PRL continues punching Mr. Dick! Punch. Punch. Punch. NOW KISS THAT LEFT~! PUNCH! Mr. Dick goes down! He gets right back up...and gets hit with the KIDology (Codebreaker)!

COLE
KIDology! KIDology on Mr. Dick! If he gets that at AngleMania VIII, then he's in big trouble!

Mr. Dick rolls out of the ring underneath the bottom ring rope and lands on the protective mats. Malaysia Nerdly STILL hasn't gotten up. The crowd is going nuts as Krista unleashes a profanity laced tirade on Mr. Dick while Tha Puerto Rican fires the crowd up!

COLE
Just like last week at Dodger Stadium, Tha Puerto Rican and Krista Isadora Duncan have cleared the ring of Mr. Dick! Only this time, it's KRISTA who comes to the aid of THA PUERTO RICAN!  

VENTURA
HA! HA! PRL got rescued by a GIRL!

COLE
Yes...but Krista ain't no ordinary girl!

VENTURA
She's still a girl. She has breasts. LARGE ones at that! You can't ignore *those* things! AND she has a vagina! A vagina which has popped out TWO kids! She is still a girl and a girl still rescued Tha Puerto Rican! You really ARE worse than McMahon, Michael Cole!

Mr. Dick covers his face in pain on the outside. He drags a knocked out Malaysia Nerdly out of the ring. Krista and Tha Puerto Rican stand tall inside of the ring as the crowd continues cheering loudly, although neither one outright acknowledges the other.

COLE
This rivalry between Tha Puerto Rican and Mr. Dick is not over yet, I'm sure of it! And of course, the rivalry between Krista Isadora Duncan and Mr. Dick won't end until AT LEAST AngleMania VIII!

VENTURA
The next 2 months are going to be the most hectic, the most intense, the most erotic 2 months of Mr. Dick's entire life!

COLE
And I am sure that he is looking forward to it, as are the OAOAST Marks!

"Know Your Role 2000" starts playing again. Tha Puerto Rican and Krista finally glance at each other. An awkward stare is shared between the two. PRL nods his head. Krista nods hers.

VENTURA
She's not going to do the horizontal polka with you, P.R. So just forget it.

COLE
I think he knows that by now, Jess. I think he's just thankful to have her come to his rescue when he needed it the most.

VENTURA
You seriously think Tha Puerto Rican would EVER admit that!? That he got rescued by a GIRL!? You get stupider by the minute!

COLE
He might not, but deep down, I'm sure he realizes this!

VENTURA
No he won't. His ego is too big! As is Krista's, come to think of it! I am surprised that the ring can contain those two's egos!

COLE
Krista coming to the aid of Tha Puerto Rican, much like he came to her aid last week! Perhaps, Krista showing Tha Puerto Rican some gratitude?

VENTURA
Gratitude is not a word that exists in Krista Isadora Duncan's dictionary!

COLE
Eh...maybe.

Mr. Dick carries a just-coming-to Malaysia Nerdly up the entrance ramp. He issues threats to both PR and Krista, who respond in kind. Tha Puerto Rican tells Mr. Dick to "JUST BRING IT!" The crowd cheers loudly as "Know Your Role 2000" continues playing over the P.A. system.

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican picks up the win in his return to HeldDOWN~! That's all the time that we have for this week's show! For Jonathan "Da Coach" Coachman and Jesse "The Body" Ventura, I'm Michael Cole saying so long from the Scottrade Center in St. Louis, Missouri! We will see you next Thursday night for another exciting edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~! from the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio! Goodnight everybody!

VENTURA
And don't forget, Michael Cole. The pleasure was all yours!

Mr. Dick gets up to the entrance stage, pointing a menacing finger at Tha Puerto Rican and Krista Isadora Duncan. He is still carrying the groggy Malaysia Nerdly. Tha Puerto Rican and Krista Isadora Duncan stand in the ring, taunting and yelling at Mr. Dick and Malaysia Nerdly. Our last image this week is of Tha Puerto Rican and Krista Isadora Duncan standing near the ring ropes, yelling and taunting Mr. Dick and Malaysia Nerdly as "Know Your Role 2000" continues playing over the P.A. system and the crowd cheers loudly. On this image we...

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