OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 300th EPISODE!!

[Chanel #99]

ONE MAN HAD A DREAM


That one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.

That one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

ANOTHER MAN…ANOTHER LESSER, LESSER, LESSER MAN HAD A DREAM

That one day he would endlessly troll a message board filled with fat, quasi racist and misogynist republican wrestling fans.

That one day he could endlessly sing the praises of an older man he’s never met who play fights for a living.

That one day he would degrade and insult every other man who play fights for a living that got a victory over his play fighting hero.

His name was Anglesault, and this is his dream.





Dodger Stadium. Los Angeles, California

The view comes to the Los Angeles Symphony Orchestra, seated in a full pit, wind, percussion, and string sections standing in wait, while the conductor delays to heighten the dramatic mood, he nods his head to the audience and raises his wand…

The camera stays on the Orchestra, while they continue to amaze with the classic masterpiece cellos, bases and violins waft out the song, backed up by the light tone's of flutes, obows and horns -- finally coming arriving at a fantastic cresendo! The resounding sound of the music echoes about the legendary baseball stadium, as the roar of the crowd overtakes the camera microphones at Dodger Stadium! Far above the heads of the crowd the night sky twinkles with stars, starts blotted out by the bright lights of the arena below, an arena filled to the brim with wrestling fans with signs ranging from the cute (Alf’s Dogg Pound) to the odd (Put your NAME on my butt!). The biggest event in OAOAST history is taking place on this wonderful night and anyone’s who anyone has shown up for the party to end all parties. The entrance stage is decorated with towering banners of modern day members of the roster on the right side, Leon Rodez, Krista, PRL, etc and similar banners of past legends such as Some Guy, Dan Black, and Drek Stone on the left. At the center stands a gorgeous display of pyrotechnic beauty, blue, purple, yellow, orange and red sparks sizzle upwards to create a rainbow coloured pyro fountain. Finally we move to sofa central where Double C has forgone their usual outfit of orange polos and khaki pants for ultra sharp tuxedos.

“O-A-O! O-A-O! O-A-O!” the audience behind sofa central sings.

COLE
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the 300th episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN~! From our family to your’s we give you all the thanks in the world for supporting us and being a part of our great OAOAST Galaxy! Coach, did you ever think we’d make it this far?

COACH
Me? Yes. You? I’m surprised when you make it through the parking lot without getting a ya shizz pushed in! Here’s to 300 episodes of you bein a clown ass wonderbread, Danny Tanner, Urkelbot soundin ho.

COLE
I know you only insult because you love me 300 more times than I could ever imagine. It’s a heck of a show tonight in Dodger Stadium! We’ve got two second round Anderson Cup matches featuring last year’s winners Team Heyross against the imposing force of Faqu and the annoying force of James Blonde. A Venice Beach Bunny Brawl. Yum-Yum! Lucius Soul meets up with Rico De Janerio to settle the score. And in the mainevent, Krista Isadora Duncan, the sentimental hometown favorite, will carry in her undefeated streak against Leon Rodez for the world title.

COACH
Hahhahah! Leon bout to get that ass sonned propah! Propah! Shit is like some old mid western farm boy band comin out to Hollywood to play a battle of the bands and get noticed and they wind up having to follow up Motley Crue. That cracka bout to be like Apollo Creed. Dead! Shayne better grab his arm on some Adrian shit “You can’t win!” but wait, Shayne and Tyler like Krista better than Leon! That dude ain’t got no friends tonight! Even his own stable mate, Bo is sleeping on Krista’s couch to save money on a hotel! This broke whiteboy gotta sleep on the floor at his Super 8 so he don’t get wasted in no drive by!

COLE
Well, Leon Rodez could very well make history on this historic night. He beat Mister Dick, with an aid from PRL, but can he make it happen against Los Angele’s favorite daughter?

CUE: "Money Talks" by AC/DC

COLE
Looks like we're being joined by The Enterprise tonight!

JOHN TRAVOLTA
Yeah...LOOKS like...

COACH
According to my inside sources, Mike...and...John.....V.I.C.E. has BIG news and have made a great discovery in their Angle Award/Destroyed Limo Investigation!

-The curtain flails open, revealing none other than "The Billion Dollar Heir"


THEODORE MONEYMAKER!!!

The fans erupt in a chorus of boos, causing Teddy to smirk. He stops at the top of ramp and motions to turn the music off. He is obliged, but as he begins to speak, he is once again drowned out by the rude chorus of boos. Teddy smiles as he looks out at all of them, just before raising the microphone to his lips.

MONEYMAKER
A good portion of you are probably shocked that I had the courage and strength to stand before  you tonight, after my grueling Survive Or Surrender match with Zack Malibu. But I wouldn’t miss the 300th HeldDOWN for even the birth of my first born child. Because in a way I am partially responsible…no totally responsible for HeldDOWN being the runaway smash hit it is today. A while back I took a few dollars out my trust fund and I invested it in a tiny network known as TSM. I was called crazy by my classmates at Yale, wasteful by my parents, but I never had any doubt in my unmatched business acumen. No never! As all great men, George W Bush, John McCain, Adolf Hitler, know you must have 100% faith in everything you do. Sadly my enthusiasm wasn't shared by the regime that was present when I invested. The other shareholders in the company and all the executives were weak willed jellyfish without a spine between them. They didn’t know quality television, they didn’t know cutting edge. They thought a show with attitude was liquoring up some seniors on bingo night and taping them doing the jitterbug in their underwear. BWAHAHAHAHA! Then I came in and changed everything. I gave HeldDOWN its better timeslot, I made it the focal point of the network and I made it the success it is today. Basically I’m the only reason the OAOAST is still in existence. I give this place life and I give it continued purpose. Without my dollars, wisdom and foresight, this entire company sinks to the ground and all the wrestlers you adore and worship go right along with it. You may not be smart enough to realize it, but I'm the true hero of the OAOAST. Me and me alone.  

“BOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

MONEYMAKER
I suppose that’s why I can still hold my head up high after falling in defeat to Zack. Without me keeping this company afloat with my wisdom a peon and a grunt like Zack would be working deathmatches for Taco Bell coupons  in a community center in Des Moines. I take comfort in knowing that Zack beat me because I am the better human being. That's right, for all his moral wrestling platitudes I am the one who's conscience is clear and who's heart is filled with good. He proved himself to be a sadistic, psychotic, and unhinged man. Whereas I on the other hand proved to be a sane, rational and decent human being. I am a man of Jesus, and he is the son of Satan.

“BOOOOOOOOO!”

MONEYMAKER
You know...any other night, I might have more things to say about the alleged Franchise...BUT!! Tonight, I am in an incredibly...weightless mood. Tonight! We have the answer to the question on everyone's minds. The answer that not only I, but you fans...you here and at home...have been waiting for...

Who blew up my limo...and who stole my Angle Award!

FANS
"BOOOOOOOO!!!"

COACH
YES! Finally!

MONEYMAKER
The two men I'm going to be joined by...they have been working tirelessly and with VERY few snack breaks to FIND this bastard - OR bitch...no sexism here, ladies - and I am honored to have them under The Enterprise umbrella. I give you...V.I.C.E.


I CAN FEEL IT CO-OMING IN THE AIR TO-NIIGHT

-The boos grow louder as the curtain once again opens, revealing


Christopher Patrick Allen and Det. Tango Bosley - V.I.C.E.!~!

Tango smirks as he shakes Moneymakers hand, just before CPA does the same and is handed the mic by Teddy.

CPA
Ladies and Gentlemen...My partner and I...we have been doing an incredible job investigating, let me tell ya...and we have finally come to a conclusion on WHO the scumbag was that not blew up Mr. Moneymaker's limo...but also stole his Angle Award...and to give you that announcement...is Detective Tango Bosley.

-CPA hands the mic over to Bosley, and begins to applaud. Moneymaker does the same, and Bosley graciously thanks them, just before raising the mic to his mouth.

BOSLEY
Chris you da man! I love you mac daddy, I fuckin love you. And big thank you Mr. Moneymaker for makin the dream of HeldDOWN a reality, you are an Alpha’s Alpha, baby! While mac daddy CPA and I worked like friggin dogs in heat to nail this punk...we couldn't have done it alone.   Ladies and gentlemen...your favorite rookie...Ms. Morgan Nerdly!

-The boos are a bit quieter now, but they're still there. Once again, the curtain opens, and it is now


Inspector Morgan Nerdly!

Bosley hands her the microphone, which she smiles and accepts. She smiles coyly at the three men to her right, who are all applauding her.

MORGAN
Thank you, guys...I really really appreciate it. Ladies and Gentlemen...it is my GREAT honor to be the one to announce the culprit...



Fans....Mr. Moneymaker...it was

MR. D-

-Morgan is suddenly cut off by the AngleTron fizzling and gidgeting, just before revealing


RAGDOLL!~

The fans erupt in cheers as Ragdoll holds his head in shame. He suddenly looks up and stares off into space, but then looks directly at the camera.

RAGDOLL
"...It was me."

COLE
WHAT?!~

COACH
WHOA!!


JOEY LAWRENCE
WHOA!~!


KEANU REEVES
...Whoa.

-The fans are deafening as CPA, Bosley, and Morgan begin arguing with one another. Theodore Moneymaker's face is just....shock.

RAGDOLL
"I mean I mean I mean...cuh-MON guys! Seriously...this is so stupid! Week after week after week, we all have to watch as Larry, Curly, and Ho try to find the "big bad wobber and awsonist," and we NEVER see them getting any closer! Are you serious?!"

-Ragdoll suddenly puts his hands together in front of his face and looks off into the space once again, almost as if trying to relax himself.

RAGDOLL
"...I saay that I want to bring disORDER and CHAOS to the OAOAST, and for the sake of my sister-in-law's sanity and family, I decide to do it quietly and behind the scenes...I stole the award, drugged Jereme before his match with Leon, blew up the limo...and this is how I get discovered. You can't trust anybody anymore...you have to do eeeeverythiiing yourself."

-Moneymaker, who is still in shock, slowly takes the microphone from Morgan's hand and looks up at the giant image of Ragdoll.

MONEYMAKER
...How can we believe what you have to say?

-Ragdoll smiles, just before snapping, pointing past the camera, and whistling. The camera suddenly turns a 180, to show an Angle Award strapped to a chair with duct tape. One of Ragdoll's goons stands behind it, holding a toy gun to it's head. Oh, they're also in a very plush lockerroom. Teddy's lockerroom in fact. Teddy's eyes turn from shock to anger as he watches Ragdoll walk into frame.

RAGDOLL
"Now, Ted...To answer your question before you ask it...I did it to bring you down slowly and painfully would make me sooooo happy. I did it to bring you down to OUR level. I just didn't think you'd burn up on the way down. That leads me to my next point...Ever-"

MONEYMAKER
ENOUGH FROM THE CLOWN!!

RAGDOLL
"Aw."

MONEYMAKER
Did you HONESTLY think...you could blow up my limo...and steal MY Angle Award...AND get away with it?

RAGDOLL
"Yeah."

MONEYMAKER
Bosley? Anderson? Nerdly? Bring him here...GO! NOW!!

-Ragdoll grins as V.I.C.E. leaps into action, running towards the back. Ragdoll looks directly into the camera, almost as if right at Moneymaker... snaps his fingers and moves out of frame, just as the goon pointing the gun at AA pulls the trigger. A burst of confetti goes off...followed by the appearance of two more goons carrying cans of gasoline. They quickly pour the liquid all around the room as Ragdoll walks back into frame. He calmly lights his cigarette with his Zippo, before tossing it against the wall, which immediately erupts in flames. Ragdoll smirks and looks directly into the camera.

RAGDOLL
"...Everything burns."

-A small chuckle stumbles from his mouth as he walks away. The camera damn near goes diving out of the room, with the door slamming behind him. Just then, V.I.C.E. appears, somehow out of breath.

BOSLEY
"Don't worry...we sa- whew - saved you."

-The screen fades to black as Teddy's eyes grow to the size of his now covered mouth.

LATER TONIGHT
HOMEWRECKED
RICO DE JANERIO VS LUCIUS SOUL
TONIGHT!

IN THE MAINEVENT
OAOAST WORLD TITLE
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN VS LEON RODEZ
TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

THA PUERTO RICAN SHARES HIS FAVORITE HeldDOWN~! MOMENT!

THA PUERTO RICAN
Tha Puerto Rican and HeldDOWN~! go together like peanut butter and jelly! Tha Puerto Rican debuted on HeldDOWN~! in only its second year of existence, and has proceeded to make it HIS show ever since! Tha Puerto Rican has had many many MANY memorable HeldDOWN~! moments over the past five years, but if he has to choose just one, his absolute favourite, then he has no other choice but to pick the February 14, 2008 edition of HeldDOWN~! The St. Valentine's Day edition! And though Tha Puerto Rican was single, it was the best St. Valentine's Day EVER for Tha Puerto Rican! I put my very career on the line in an Ultimate X Match, a match that Tha Puerto Rican had NEVER competed in! At stake was a shot at the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship at AngleMania VII. The odds were against me, as I was competing against Spanish Fly who had the entire Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation watching his back! But still, in front of the millions and the MILLIONS of Tha Puerto Rican's fans, The Lightning Bolts watched as I laid the smackdown on Spanish Fly's roody poo candy ass and proceeded to take the biggest leap I EVER took, grab that AngleMania VII logo with ONE GOOD ARM, and defeat Spanish Fly, keep my career going, and EARN the #1 Contendership to the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship that I so richly deserved! And after that, it was off to AngleMania VII where I defeated Stephen Joseph Popick and won my first ever World Heavyweight Championship!

With the crowd behind him, PRL kicks Fly in the head with his left foot! He does it again! He keeps on doing it, until one good kick to the face drops Spanish Fly back-first onto the mat! PRL then scales across the cable a few more inches…before letting go of the cable…twisting his body in mid-air…doing an "Up yours!" hand gesture in mid-air…AND HITTING SPANISH FLY IN THE CHEST WITH HIS LEFT ELBOW~!!!

COLE
Oh my~! PRL with an Elbow Drop from the cables onto the mat!

(CLIP)

Spanish Fly tries his hardest to grab the logo, but the fact that his legs are wrapped around the cable hold him back. Still, Fly marches on, stretching his right arm as far as it can go!

COACH
Oh, curse Fly's little hands! They're not helping him right now!

Spanish Fly comes within an inch of the logo...


...when suddenly, he sees Tha Puerto Rican flying towards him with his left fist cocked...



...THA PUERTO RICAN HITS SPANISH FLY WITH A SPRINGBOARD FLYING FOREARM KNOCKING HIM OFF OF THE CABLE~!!!!!!!

"YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

COLE
WHAT A MOVE! WHAT A MOVE!

COACH
DAMNIT!

The crowd goes wild! Tha Puerto Rican and Spanish Fly both lie on the mat, both men breathing hard, in pain. Lindsay, Stephen, and Wall are all very much concerned for their running mate right now.

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican risked it all right there! A springboard flying forearm to the face of Spanish Fly! I have never seen Tha Puerto Rican do that in my entire life!

(CLIP)

PRL comes closer and closer to where Spanish Fly is. Once he's near him, P.R. kicks Spanish Fly in the back! He does it again! And again! And again! Spanish Fly is losing his grip on the cable!

COLE
Spanish Fly might be in trouble!

PRL swings a little closer to Fly, and then hooks him up.




LATIN SLAM FROM THE CABLES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE MAT~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

COACH
YO~!

COLE
OH MY GOD!

JOEY STYLES
OH MY GOD~!!!!

The crowd roars in approval! Stephen Joseph has his hands on his head and a shocked look on his face! Lindsay puts her hands over her mouth in shock!

"HO-LEE SHIT!"
"HO-LEE SHIT!"
"HO-LEE SHIT!"
"HO-LEE SHIT!"

COLE
I have never in my entire life seen a Rock Bottom--a Latin Slam done from a cable to the mat! NEVER!

COACH
You're seeing it now! And Spanish Fly is the victim of it!

PRL lies face down on the mat. Spanish Fly lies on his back, holding it in pain.

COLE
What an incredible move from Tha Puerto Rican! Can we see that again?

The OAOAST Starbucks™ Double Shot Instant Replay shows PRL's Latin Slam on Spanish Fly from the cable onto the mat.

COLE
An incredible move from The People's Champion! The Latin Lion striking big with that Latin Slam!

COACH
Oh come on Fly! Get up! Get up! Get up now!

(CLIP)

Suddenly, Spanish Fly is seen on the top rope. Spanish Fly leaps off of the top rope and nails Tha Puerto Rican with a missile dropkick to the chest AND THA PUERTO RICAN DOES A SOMERSAULT ONTO THE MAT~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

COACH
DAYUM~!

COLE
OH MY GOODNESS~!

Popick pumps his fists. Cuban Wall yells out, "YEAH BABY!" Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick applauds Fly.

COLE
Just when I thought this match couldn't get more innovative, more shocking, *this* happens!

COACH
THAT WAS GOOD! THAT WAS DA BOMB, YO~! THAT WAS THE BOMB DIGGITY! EXCELLENT MOVE! THAT SHUT HIM DOWN!

COLE
That was amazing! The impact of that move turned PRL inside out!

The OAOAST Starbucks™ Double Shot Instant Replay shows Spanish Fly's missile dropkick on Tha Puerto Rican and PRL's somersault onto the mat. The missile dropkick and the somersault are shown from a different angle.

COLE
This could be Spanish Fly's opening. The tide may be shifting. We could be moments away from the end of PRL's career!

COACH
It might be over now! He might have broken his back!

COLE
PRL was 10-15 feet in the air! He fell right on his back! And the Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation couldn't be happier!

(CLIP ALERT!)

Spanish Fly rushes to the ropes, bounces off of the ropes, charges forward, jumps up, wraps his legs around PRL...Hurricarana!--NO!--PRL holds on!

COLE
Look at this!

But before PRL can hit the Powerbomb, Spanish Fly grabs ahold of PRL's right arm!

COACH
Look at this!

The crowd is antsy as Spanish Fly pulls on PRL's hurt right arm.

COLE
Fly's got the arm! He's pulling on it!

COACH
Pull it out of the socket, Fly!

COLE
Oh will you stop!?

Fly grits his teeth as he pulls on the right arm...and yet still, PRL lifts Spanish Fly up...POWERBOMB!

COLE
Powerbomb! Powerbomb on the smaller member of the Corporation!

COACH
That makes that Powerbomb worst!

But Spanish Fly still has ahold of PRL's right arm.

COLE
Spanish Fly will not stop holding that right arm! He refuses to let it go!

COACH
Good! Good! Keep it up, Fly! Keep it up!

Fly continues holding on. PRL uses all of the strength that he has left to lift Spanish Fly up off of the mat for a second time, and then sets him up for the STYLES CLASH~!!!!!!!!!!!

COLE
Lightning Bolt! A one handed Lightning Bolt from Tha Puerto Rican on Spanish Fly!

(CLIP ALERT!)

Spanish Fly points to a scaffolding, and then walks to it. Spanish Fly climbs the bottom turnbuckle. He then hops onto the second turnbuckle. Fly then hops onto the top turnbuckle. Spanish Fly starts climbing the scaffolding as PRL lies on the mat in pain.

*PING!*

COLOMBIAN HEAT HITS SPANISH FLY OVER THE HEAD WITH A LEAD PIPE!!!!!!

COACH
WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!?

COLE
Colombian Heat! Colombian Heat is out here!

COACH
WHAT IS HE DOING OUT HERE!?

COLE
Hey, if Cuban Wall can interfere, so can Colombian Heat!

(CLIP ALERT!)

Spanish Fly falls off of the scaffolding and onto the mat! He is lying spread eagle on the mat, unconscious! Colombian Heat jumps off of the scaffolding and slides into the ring. The crowd has come unglued! Cuban Wall gets onto the ring apron.

*PING!*

AND IMMEDIATELY GETS HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH THE LEAD PIPE!!!!!!!

COLE
Lead pipe to Cuban Wall's head! Payback for last week!

COACH
POPICK, STOP HIM!

Cuban Wall falls off of the ring apron and holds his head in pain, resting on a barricade. Colombian Heat plays to the crowd in the ring, holding the lead pipe in his right hand. The Popicks are stunned!

COLE
Cuban Wall has been hit in the head with a lead pipe. Spanish Fly is knocked out from the lead pipe! It's even now! Who's going to win!?

(CLIP ALERT!)

Heat dusts PRL off, and then tells him to go and grab the AngleMania VII logo. Suddenly, Colombian Heat rushes forward.

*PING!*

LEAD PIPE SHOT TO VITAMIN X'S HEAD!!!

*PING!*

LEAD PIPE SHOT TO THE BONE THUG'S HEAD!!!

Colombian Heat checks on PRL, who is just standing up getting his barings.

*PING!*

LEAD PIPE SHOT TO ROCK HARD BRICKSTON'S HEAD!!!

*PING!*

LEAD PIPE SHOT TO MR. BORICUA'S HEAD!!!

COLE
Colombian Heat has taken out the Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation with that lead pipe! They're all down! Wall, Boricua, Rock Hard Brickston, Vitamin X, The Bone Thug AND Spanish Fly!

COACH
Oh this isn't happening! This is not happening! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

COLE
It is, Coach! It is!

Colombian Heat fires the crowd up some more. He walks around the ring with the lead pipe in his right hand, making sure that the Corporation members do not make any more attempts to enter the ring.

COLE
Colombian Heat coming to the aid of his best friend! The Badd Boyz are the only ones left standing in the ring!

COACH
OH NO! I AM GOING TO BE SICK! UGH! NOT THIS!

Stephen Joseph and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick have stopped drinking from their champagne glasses. Instead, they are sitting up and are in shock of what's gone down. Their shock turns to worry as PRL shakes the cobwebs out. He stares directly at a scaffolding.

COACH
NO! NO! NO!

PRL looks at Colombian Heat. Heat gives him the thumbs up. PRL nods his head. Tha Puerto Rican exits the ring.

COACH
NO! NO! NO!

COLE
This might be it!

PRL grabs the scaffolding and starts climbing it. The crowd gets louder and the higher and higher PRL gets. PRL winces in pain several times.

COLE
With one arm, PRL is climbing the scaffolding!

COACH
How is this possible!?

COLE
What guts! What determination from Tha Puerto Rican! Unbelieveable how he's doing this, all with one arm!

PRL gets up and up. Stephen Joseph and Lindsay are shaking their heads no. Thomas Rodriguez tries to enter the ring, but Colombian Heat swings the lead pipe and Thomas immediately backs away. Instead, Thomas goes to check on the other Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation members.

COLE
Heat is helping his buddy, watching his back!

COACH
Oy!

PRL gets near the top of the scaffolding. He then climbs a little bit further so that he is at the top of the scaffolding.

COLE
Wait, what's he doing?

COACH
Something stupid I bet!

PRL climbs up very slowly onto the very top of the scaffolding. PRL is hunched over on the top of the scaffolding.

COLE
Oh my God. What's this...

COACH
What's this? I told you. Something stupid!

PRL slowly stands up straight on the scaffolding.

COLE
Oh boy. High risk move here!

PRL is at a vertical base on the very top of the scaffolding. Colombian Heat looks on from the ring.

COLE
His career is on the line here! I guess it makes sense why he would do this!

COACH
He's an idiot. That's why he would do this!

The crowd is buzzing in anticipation of what PRL is about to do. PRL looks down at the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo and has a serious look on his face.

COLE
This might be the biggest risk that Tha Puerto Rican has ever taken in his entire life!

COACH
He's going to regret this! Regret this big time!

The crowd is going nuts. Colombian Heat is looking up at PRL with a serious look on his face, the lead pipe still in his right hand. Cuban Wall, Vitamin X, Mr. Boricua, The Bone Thug, and Rock Hard Brickston are all on the outside holding their heads in pain. Spanish Fly is still lying on the mat unconscious. Thomas Rodriguez is checking on the Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation members, and is also looking up to see Tha Puerto Rican on the very top of the scaffolding. Stephen Joseph Popick and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick are both on the edge of their Laz-E-Boy recliner, worried for what might happen next. Tha Puerto Rican takes a deep breath, looks down at the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo that is hanging on the hook on both of the cables, and then takes another deep breath.








THA PUERTO RICAN LEAPS OFF OF THE TOP OF THE SCAFFOLDING ONTO THE CABLES~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

COLE
OH MY GOD!

COACH
WHOA!

The crowd is shocked at what PRL just did! PRL hangs on desperately to the cables! PRL wraps his legs around the cables, and then scoots forward, only a few inches away from the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo.

COLE
Is this it? Is this it?

COACH
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

PRL is now only an inch away from the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo. Tha Puerto Rican stretches his left arm out...


...The crowd gets louder...

PRL grabs a hold of the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo.

COLE
Could it be...

COACH
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

...PRL slowly pulls the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo off of the hook...

COACH
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!









THA PUERTO RICAN PULLS THE OAOAST ANGLEMANIA VII LOGO OFF OF THE HOOK~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
H
HHH!"

COLE
He's got the logo! He wins the match!

COACH
NO!!!

*DING DING DING* (17:59)

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican has got the Title shot! Tha Puerto Rican is going to AngleMania VII!

The crowd EXPLODES with cheers! "Know Your Role 2000" plays over the P.A. system. Tha Puerto Rican falls off of the cables and lands back-first onto the mat, the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo in his hands! Colombian Heat jumps up and down in joy, while Stephen Joseph and Lindsay stand up in shock.

BUFFER
Here is your winner...AND the man who will receive a shot at the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship at OAOAST AngleMania VII on March 30, 2008...THA PUERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Tha Puerto Rican hugs the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo, a huge smile on his face. Colombian Heat is still jumping up and down. Referee Rudy Charles raises PRL's hands in victory.

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican's career lives on for another day! And he WILL receive another shot at the OAOAST Title at the biggest stage of them all, AngleMania, in just 45 days from now!

COACH
This sucks! This sucks very, very much! Cuban Wall was robbed! He was ROBBED, I say!

COLE
It's true. Cuban Wall is no longer the #1 Contender to the OAOAST Championship at OAOAST AngleMania VII! Tha Puerto Rican is now the #1 Contender to the OAOAST Championship! He now has a GUARANTEED, GUARANTEED shot at the Champion, whoever he may be, at AngleMania VII on March 30th! And dare I say, he EARNED his shot tonight!

(CLIP ALERT!)

Colombian Heat raises PRL's hands in victory. The crowd cheers loudly. Stephen Joseph and Lindsay are standing up, shocked over the result. Heat plays to the crowd. Colombian Heat shakes Tha Puerto Rican’s left hand and then pulls him in for a hug. He then helps Tha Puerto Rican up.

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican persevered. He went through hell and high water. He dealt with a hurt right arm. He managed to grab the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo and pull it off the hook and now, because of that, he still has a professional wrestling career AND he is DEFINITELY going to AngleMania!

The OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo flashes across the screen. Cut to clips of the match.

COACH
It was an awesome fought match, I'll give them that. I just REALLY hate the ending! Look at this. The People's Elbow Drop from the cables to the canvas. A Latin Slam from the cables to the canvas. Spanish Fly gives PRL a missile dropkick and PRL turns INSIDE OUT! One armed Lightning Bolt. And then this. Cuban Wall uses his size and strength to hit PRL's right arm. Then, Fly Swatter! Fly had the match won. HE HAD THE MATCH WON! HE DID! But then, Colombian Heat. *PING!* Lead pipe to the skull, probably gave Spanish Fly a CONCUSSION, the bastard! He then uses the lead pipe on everyone in the Corporation like the rotten thug that he is! PRL takes advantage. He does this HYUGGE leap just to show off. And then he scales the cables, and...ugh...grabs the AngleMania VII logo. Your winner, and going on to AngleMania...EUGH...Tha Puerto Rican.

The OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo flashes across the screen again. Colombian Heat hugs Tha Puerto Rican as the crowd cheers and "Know Your Role 2000" continues playing. Stephen Joseph has a face that shows RAGE. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick looks like she is seconds away from crying. And then she does.

COACH
This is the worst St. Valentine's Day EVER! This ain't what Popick had in mind! This ain't what he wanted for Lindsay! This is like the complete opposite! This is like his anti-St. Valentine's Day present!

COLE
You think Tha Puerto Rican cares about that? You think Tha Puerto Rican cares what Lindsay wants? No sir. He only cares about one thing: he is GOING to AngleMania VII on March 30th! Tha Puerto Rican is going to the biggest event in parody e-fed entertainment and he is going to be in the main event fighting for the richest prize in the industry! This is a GREAT St. Valentine's Day for PRL! And he's single!

Tha Puerto Rican and Colombian Heat pose in the center of the ring.

COACH
UGH!

Tha Puerto Rican looks at Stephen Joseph. Lindsay is still sobbing. SJ does the McMahon SNEER~! He points to the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt that is lying behind him on the Laz-E-Boy recliner. PRL points to the belt and then does the "I-Want-The-Belt" hand gesture. He taunts Popick, and then laughs. PRL runs his mouth at Stephen Joseph Popick.

(CLIP)

Tha Puerto Rican raises the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo over his head to cheers. He walks around the ring with the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo over his head while Colombian Heat applauds him. Colombian Heat plays to the crowd. Stephen Joseph Popick tries to calm his wife down, but Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick is still crying her eyes out. Stephen Joseph glares angrily at PRL. Spanish Fly slowly rolls out of the ring.

(CLIP)

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican has defeated Spanish Fly! Tha Puerto Rican has won the Ultimate X Match! Tha Puerto Rican keeps his career, and will live to fight another day! Tha Puerto Rican will NOT be retiring here tonight! Tha Puerto Rican is going to AngleMania! Happy Valentine's Day, Lindsay!

Tha Puerto Rican exits the ring with Colombian Heat, still carrying the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo with both of his hands. PRL and Heat both have smiles on their faces. Spanish Fly has rolled out of the ring, a cut above his forehead, and blood starts dripping out of it. Fly is dazed and confused following the Ultimate X Match. He has trouble standing up, using the ring apron to maintain his balance. Cuban Wall, Mr. Boricua, The Bone Thug, Vitamin X, and Rock Hard Brickston all slowly get up from the lead pipe shots to the head that they all took from Colombian Heat. All five men are dazed and in tremendous pain and they will all probably have really bad headaches tomorrow morning. Thomas Rodriguez goes around the ringside area, still checking on the members of the Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation. Stephen Joseph Popick tries to calm his wife down, but Ms. Lindsay Gonzlaez-Popick is still crying her eyes out, messing up her eyeliner really badly, really quickly. Stephen Joseph is holding the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt with his right hand and is massaging Lindsay’s back with his left hand. Tha Puerto Rican and Colombian Heat walk up the entrance ramp. Both men are talking about the Ultimate X Match, PRL still holding onto the OAOAST AngleMania VII logo with both of his hands.

THA PUERTO RICAN
When you take all of that into consideration, it is no wonder why that is my FAVOURITE HeldDOWN~! Moment! And that's the truth, Ruth! THE CHAMP HAS SPO-KUN~!!!

Tha Puerto Rican does The People's Eyebrow to the camera.

300 EPISODES OF MAGIC

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Folks, the 300th HeldDOWN has attracted OAOAST Marks from around the globe who want to pay their respects to the OAOAST and witness history! Standing beside one is Terry Taylor!

We cut to Terry Taylor standing in the aisle way with a thin man in his early thirties wearing a Zack Malibu t-shirt and jean shorts.

TERRY
Hi I’m here with Hector. Hector where did you come from? How far did you come to get to the 300th episode of HeldDOWN?

HECTOR
Anaheim.

TERRY
Wow that’s…Anaheim? Yeah…..that’s not far at all.

HECTOR
My chick came over and she ain’t givin it up. We got in an argument and she kicked me on out. I ain’t have no place to go, and I saw so many people round here I thought it was a homeless shelter, and that’s why I’m here. Why girls do that? Sleep over if they not givin the play?

COACH
Cause she fucked wit tha big dick nigga right before she came to your house cause she knew she had to get tha fuck out when she got done gettin fucked and she knew you was a bitch made nigga she could use so she slept at your house cause your gay. Now she playin your x-box and eatin your Doritos.

COLE


“Rio” and scenes of Brazillian life on the Angletron brings a flavor of South America to Dodger Stadium, but the massive crowd is none to happy and spews boos into the cool California air. Sauntering onto the stage, beneath flickering green and yellow lights, is Rico De Janerio. He strokes his pornstache while licking his lips at the wealth of Southern California beauties that have turned out tonight.

COLE
Coach, I always thought the Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew was as tight as any other team in the OAOAST. Together they went from no name jobbers to superstars. But here on our 300th episode the end is at hand.  Rico set to face Lucius Soul.

COACH
Sports entertainment is a hard industry. It destroys friendships like they weren’t nothing.  We seen ThunderKid and Reject breakup before, we seen Alix and Krista split, Bosley and Cash, even Black T had their moments. Any team can get got, Mikey.

Rico lingers down the ramp, hyping up his new Brazillian flag t-shirt to the audience. The female fans are less than receptive to his idea of exchanging the t-shirt for a cleavage shot, however.  Rico merely shrugs his shoulders at their turning down of  fine t-shirt and dives into the ring.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of sixty minutes! Now making his way to the ring from Rio De Janerio, Brazil, he weighs in at two hundred thirty five pounds….RICO DE JANERIO!!

Rico’s hands go up into the air in an attempt to rally the sold out stadium audience behind him. He hasn’t much luck as the majority of the fans meet his gesture with thumbs down.

No need for a fancy Patty entrance right now. Let’s all enjoy the wonder that is Jive Soul Bro.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2iIYibSa-g

Referee Charles Robinson steps to the center of the ring and looks at the combustible foes before waving them to the center of the ring. He makes an attempt to explain the rules of the contest. But his effort to create order is wasted as the former partner’s ignore him completely and focus solely on trading barbs. They each dare the other to make the first move, but both seem content just to spend the match spewing insults and gripes.

DING DING DING

The bell would normally be a call to action for the former HI-YAH tag team champions, but tonight its only a call for confusion as Paul Oakenfold’s “Ready, Steady, Go” comes pumping into the home of the Blue Crew. The California crowd’s confusion only grows even greater when


Esther Endicott: arrives wearing a gaudy white princess crown and a shimmering tiara.

COLE
What is this?

COACH
Its Esther Endicott.

COLE
Okay, I got that. But what is she doing out here? She’s been working backstage for the longest and now she’s come like she’s going to a ball in Camelot!

Rico and Lucius stare on in wonderment, the odd guest having stopped them from their mean spirited spat. Esther somehow manages to squeeze her fluffy dress through the ring ropes, a trying task in of itself! Esther is handed a microphone and makes her interruption of the contest offical.

ESTHER
As the white queen of the OAOAST this is my kingdom, and I will not tolerate this kind of behavior within it. You’re both dead set on making a historic moment on a historic show, I see. But just because something is historic doesn’t mean its any good. The past is full of historic events that the participants would hope we’d all just forget. The break up of the Mardi Gras Home Wrecking Crew will probably be one of them.

Rico and Lucius look at each other confused, both wondering what interests Queen Endicott has in their spat.

ESTHER
It’s a very bad thing that what could be the most powerful entity in the OAOAST is about to batter the hell out of each other because they can’t figure out a way to make their cunning and conniving ways work together. Its a very bad thing. Worst of all your giving these peasants exactly what they want!

The fans applaud, eager to see the final nail driven into the Wrecking Crew’s coffin.

ESTHER
I like you, because you’re the type of people a queen needs to keep herself safe. Neither of you are very good or decent people, you’re not the white knight types. A good girl likes her bad boys. You were probably only born to die. But while you live, you might as well get as much riches and as much power as you possibly can. If you go off on your own, you most likely won’t do anything but continue this pointless battle. If you get back together, you’re only going to be where you started before you got into this argument. But if you stand beside a Queen as the knights of my Hellfire Club, you can change history! Do you accept my offer?

Rico is far less skeptical than his partner and happily accepts the handshake of Queen Esther. He positions himself by her side like the most loyal of guard dogs as his head fills with fantasies of the greatness she’s promised.

COLE
She sold Rico on her “kingdom”, but Lucius Soul doesn’t seem to be buying it.

COACH
If anyone’s gonna be wise to a hustle, it’s a pimp.

Soul requires a bit more thought before he’s officially knighted by the Queen, and strokes his smooth hairless chin in thought. Rico is quick to try and win him over to his side, promising that bygones shall be bygones and a better day is ahead.

COLE
Hurry up and make a decision! The captain from Gilligan’s Island still has to share his favorite X Division title match! We don’t have time for your indecision.

COACH
I cant believe you has the audacity to dis the boy Soul..he buries these cokkaroochees!

It appears Soul will be burying cockroaches inside Queen Esther’s kingdom as he accepts the waiting handshakes from Esther and Soul. Together the trio raise their hands high into the Los Angeles sky and the Dodger Stadium crowd reacts to this  with furious boos and heat. Ellie smiles a sly type of smile while Rico boasts to the audience of their impending success.

COACH
Crisis averted! The 300th episode is for fond farewells and happy beginnings. This does my heart proud to see young hustlers get it together to stop the white man’s tricknology from bringing it down.

COLE
It was a white woman who kept them together!

COACH
I got love for my snow bunnies.

COLE
Rico is white.

COACH
Naw, he just an albino.

LATER TONIGHT
SECOND ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION
VICE VS CITIZEN SOLDIERS
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

REJECT SHARES HIS FAVORITE HeldDOWN~! MEMORY

Reject and Melissa Nerdly are laying side-by-side on a beach in Los Angeles.

REJECT
My all-time favorite HeldDOWN~! moment.  Well, it's got to be this past October 3rd, when I met Leon Rodez inside a steel cage.

*Cut to various highlights of the cage match*

REJECT
Leon and his skank, then-girlfriend Maggie had been a thorn in my side for several weeks, and this was my chance for retribution.

*Cut to Reject digging a barbed-wire bat into the bloodied forehead of Leon.*

REJECT
I left his pretty little blood lying all over the mat.  And he took a little out of me, too, but it was all worth it.  I was dominant that night.  And then...the ultimate revenge.

Reject then gets to his feet, and re-applies the R-LOCK~!!!!!11111, this time hooking Leon in a body scissors and dropping to the mat.

COACH
Haha, no clever reversals this time, nowhere to go for Leon Rodez!

Suddenly the crowd begins to cheer, as the camera cuts to the aisle, where Melissa Nerdly is running down!

COLE
Hey! It's Melissa! Thank God she's okay!

Melissa pleads with the referee to let her inside, but after her offer is refused, she bitchslaps the referee and takes the key, letting herself in!

COACH
What in the hell is Melissa thinking?

Melissa drops to her knees next to Reject and pleads with him to release the hold. After several more seconds, Reject obliges, and stalks Melissa into a corner.

COLE
This is not good at all.

Melissa, sitting on the mat, scoots all the way back into the corner, as Leon gets to his feet behind Reject. Reject hovers over Melissa, who comes up to her knees, as Leon charges Reject, who moves, and Leon stops himself right in front of Melissa...


...who HITS HIM WITH A LOW BLOW~!

COACH
WHOA~!

COLE
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! Melissa Nerdly just gave a low blow to Leon!

Leon doubles over in pain, as Melissa gets to her feet, and SLAPS Leon across the face!

COLE
And now a slap!

The slap turns Leon around, allowing Reject to hit him with the EULOGY~!!!!!11111

COLE
And the Eulogy by Reject!

Reject lays on top of Leon...

1...














2...














3!!!

COACH
YYYYYYYYYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS~!

COLE
DAMN IT~!!

*DING DING DING*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen...the winner, of the steel cage match...RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECT!!!!!

Melissa re-enters the cage, with Reject's title belt over her right shoulder.

COLE
And now, what's Melissa doing with Reject's belt???

Reject pulls himself to his feet, then makes his way over to Melissa. The two stare at each other for a second, before Reject reaches his right arm around Melissa's neck, to her right arm, grabbing his belt...then Melissa reaches her left hand up, grabbing Reject behind the neck, and PULLING HIM FOR A BIG KISS!

COACH
ohmy.gif

COLE
ohmy.gif

FANS
ohmy.gif

COLE
I can't believe this! This whole thing, from Melissa's "exclusive" interviews with Leon, to the hotel, to this match, it was all a setup! But why? Why would Melissa do something like this?

After the kiss is finished, the two smile at each other, then Reject pulls his belt off of her shoulder back around her neck, as Melissa wipes some of Reject's blood off of her lips, with a big smile on her face. Reject picks up the barbed wire bat with his left hand, then places his right foot on the chest of Leon, and raises both hands, as Melissa kneels down next to him, and wraps her right arm around his waist, rubbing his abdominal section with her left hand.

COLE
What a disgusting scene this is!

COACH
That's your opinion, Cole! This is the most beautiful thing that's happened in this company in months! This is vindication for Reject! He has exorcised his demons! Finally, this chapter is over, and he can move on with his life!

COLE
Well...that's just a sickening thing to say, and completely untrue.

Reject holds the ropes open for Melissa, ala Randy Savage.

COLE
And look at this, give me a break!

COACH
Who says Reject doesn't have respect for women?

Reject and Melissa exit the cage, and Melissa raises Reject's hand in the aisle.

COACH
You know, there is a bright side to this, Cole...Leon can go share a hospital bed with his girlfriend now!

COLE
Fuck you. I'm Michael Cole, we'll see you next week.

COACH
Hey, where's my credit?

COLE
I got you credit right here, bitch.

Reject raises Melissa's hand in the entryway, then pulls her in for another kiss.

REJECT
And some day, Leon, we will meet again.  And this time...not only will I walk out with the girl...(puts his arm around Melissa)...but I will walk out, as the OAOAST World heavyweight champion.

300 EPISODES OF MAGIC

[Chanel #99]

BUFFER
OAOAST Marks, the following is a second round Anderson Cup bout!

“In the Air Tonight” by Non-point hits and the team of CPA and Detective Tango Bosley head to the ring.

BUFFER
Introducing first, representing THE ENTERPRISE, at a total combine weight of 545 pounds, they are Violators, Intimidators and Capital E-fenders... DETECTIVE TANGO BOSLEY and CPA... VVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
These are the real heroes, Mikey. Fighting terrorist like Ragdoll to keep our shores safe.

COLE
VICE certainly got a shock tonight, as did we all, when we found out Ragdoll was behind the explosion of Moneymaker's limo and the theft of his Angle Award.

COACH
I liked that dude a lot better when he was hyped up on drugs and ranting bitterly about his brother. Doesn't he appreciate all Moneymaker has done for this company?

V.I.C.E. remove their coats and prepare for battle as “Citizen Soldier” by 3 Doors Down is cued.

BUFFER
And their opponents, total combine weight 485 pounds… TIM CASH and BARON WINDELS… CITIZEN SOOOOLDIERS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

Cash and Windels walk down the aisle slapping hands and full of smiles. But it’s all business once they reach the ring, quickly tossing aside their pre-match attire to get this one underway ASAP.

* DINGDINGDING *

The bell sounds and in a surprise twist, Detective Tango Bosley is the one to offer Tim Cash an opening handshake. Unsure whether to accept, Cash looks to the crowd for advice.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

COLE
Remember this is the same guy who sold you down the river, Tim. He’s no friend of yours.

COACH
Quit being so cynical, Mikey Cole. That’s a pre-January 20, 2009 mindset.

Public concerns aside, Cash goes in for the shake…NOT!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

His generosity often abused, Cash basks in the glory of being the one to pull a fast one on somebody else, his former partner no less. Bosley isn’t so amused, though, kicking the bottom rope in frustration.

COACH
And he’s supposed to be wrestling’s last real good guy?

COLE
Well, you know what they say about doing unto others.

COACH
Yeah, and we’re about to see Detective Bosley do a number on Tim Cash.

Pissed to no end, Bosley slams his black blazer to the ground and demands Cash lockup. They do and Tim eats a knee to the midsection followed by a judo chop to the neck. Whipped across Cash ducks a spin kick and executes a SUNSET FLIP off the middle rope, but struggles to bring the AMOG down.

Enter Baron Windels.

BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS~!!!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Working in tandem, the Citizen Soldiers dropkick both CPA and Detective Bosley. Cash stays on attack chopping his former partner overhand style. Tango reverses an Irish whip and military presses Cash, who manages to slip free and SCHOOL BOY the brash detective.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

The Citizen Soldiers tag and Cash sends Bosley on his way once again. Bosley goes under Cash’s leapfrog and runs into a COWBOY BEBOP ELBOW from Baron Windels!  

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

Bosley falls towards his corner and tags CPA. Theodore Moneymaker’s certified personal ass-kicker steps over the ropes and pounds his fist in anticipation of introducing it to the face of the Lone Star Gunslinger. They hook ‘em up and CPA muscles Windels into the corner and forearms him in the midsection, drawing the ire of referee Earl Hebner who sought a clean break.

COLE
With all due respect to Earl, he was kidding himself thinking CPA would break. The man only likes to break necks and cash checks.

Fired to the far corner BW evades a charge and scales the turnbuckles. “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!” he enthusiastically shouts, but CPA waits below with open arms and delivers a POWERSLAM!

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!

Save by Tim Cash.

COACH
Cash understood the seriousness of the situation right there, Cole. He realized Baron was in big trouble there.

CPA rams Baron into the buckle, then showcases his boxing skills using BW as a human punching bag! Since he apparently didn’t learn his lesson the first time, CPA again shoots Baron to the far corner…and again he moves. This time CPA crashes shoulder-first into the ring post, which leads to a tag by the Citizen Soldiers. Clutching his arm in pain, CPA staggers mid-ring and gets leveled by a MISSLE DROPKICK! Wrestling’s last real good guy quick to cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT, AND WITH AUTHORITY!

Cash dares to apply the MIDWEST SLING but CPA’s legs are too big, and he gets knocked silly by a hard right for his trouble.

COLE
Tim Cash trying to do too much right there. Instead of going for the submission, he should’ve kept employing that quick strike attack that was working so well for him.

COACH
Nice guys finish last, Cole. CPA just reminded Tim Cash of that.

CPA looks to smash Tim’s face with his fist. Fortunately for Cash, he rolls aside to avoid a gruesome fate, but that doesn’t stop CPA for trying again and again. Having escaped harm’s way time after time, Cash finds himself out on the apron. Tim ducks a haymaker and snaps CPA down on the top rope, then flings him across with a head scissors takeover. Off the ropes Cash gets scooped in the air and MILITARY PRESSED ONTO THE ARENA FLOOR!!

COACH


COLE
Hey, come on! That was totally uncalled for!

Detective Bosley goes berserk on the apron taunting Tim Cash, asking him to “GET YOU SOME OF THAT!” Instead the AMOG almost gets himself some of Baron Windels. The Lone Star Gunslinger fast to his partner’s side. But referee Earl Hebner orders him back to the corner. The ref’s attention elsewhere, CPA and Bosley put the boots to Cash.  

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

CPA rolls Tim inside and tags out. Before exiting he and Bosley double clothesline wrestling’s last real good guy.  

BOSLEY
WHO’S THE MAN?!

CPA
You the man.

BOSLEY
I’M THE MAN!! AND WHO’S MY BITCH?!

CPA
(pointing to Tim Cash)
He’s your bitch.

BOSLEY
(paint brushing Cash)
YA HEAR THAT? YOU’RE MY BIT-- OH, SHIT!

Cash double leg takedown’s Bosley and clamps on the Texas Cloverleaf!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

COACH
What the hell?

COLE
Midwest Sling! Will Bosley submit?

Cash breaks the hold when CPA storms in, and nails him with a BACKBRAIN WHEELKICK! Bosley charges forward but Cash ducks and places him in a SLEEPER HOLD!

COLE
Do Not Resuscitate!

Forced to piggyback Bosley because of the height disadvantage, Cash finds himself in a bad predicament when he’s grabbed by the neck and slammed into the mat courtesy of a FRONTFLIP SWINGING NECKBREAKER!

COACH
Cliché as it is, WHATAMANEUVER!

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

BOSLEY


COLE
How Tim Cash kicked out of that I don’t know.

COACH
Neither does Detective Bosley. As much as I hate to say it, Cash is showing me something here tonight.

Stomped in the face, Tim writhes around in agony. Brought to his feet, hands behind back, Cash is smashed into the turnbuckle repeatedly. V.I.C.E. tag and CPA clubs the good guy hard across the shoulders, then fires him into the ropes for a press slam!

Cover made.

ONE!

TWO!

SAVE BY BARON!

Earl Hebner separates CPA and Baron Windels as Tango Bosley drops a series of elbows on Tim Cash in the background.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Order restored, Cash is scooped up for the DOMINATOR, but he slips out and knees CPA in the back to chop him down to size, then delivers the CASHBACK!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

COACH
Desperation move by Tim Cash, but it worked.

COLE
And now he needs to make the tag. What punishment he’s taken, and what heart he’s shown.

CPA and Cash both look for the tag, with CPA being the first to make it. Once Cash notices this he lunges towards his corner and makes the tag to Baron Windels!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

BOSLEY


Striking virtually everything that moves, the Lone Star Gunslinger unloads on V.I.C.E. He shoots Bosley into the ropes for a BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP, and then dropkicks CPA. But when BW returns to his feet he’s met by a ROUNDHOUSE KICK, which he ducks and follows with the BRIGHAM YOUNG COCKTAIL!!!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE-- NO!

SAVE BY CPA!

The two men exchange fire as Detective Bosley regroups in the corner. Baron then gets an assist from his fellow Citizen Soldier Tim Cash. Together they knock CPA outside with a double dropkick, and then BW wipes Tim into the ropes and watches him dive onto the big fella!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

Referee Earl Hebner checks on both men from the ring, completely missing Detective Bosley use his TELESCOPIC BATON TO WHACK BARON UPSIDE THE HEAD!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The cover.

COLE
Damn him, no!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match, advancing onto the Miracle Weirdness Connection Conference Finals, the team of CPA and DETECTIVE TANGO BOSLEY… VVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

V.I.C.E. raise their hands in victory outside. All Tim Cash can do is check on his partner, the match lost.

COLE
CPA and Detective Bosley have nothing to be proud of stealing a win.

COACH
A win’s a win no matter how you spin it. Fact is, the record books will have a W next to the name of V.I.C.E. and a big giant L next to the Citizen Soldiers. It couldn’t happen to a couple of nicer guys!

COLE
Folks its not just OAOAST Marks that have turned out for the greatest night in TSM history, important people have to! A not-so important person, Terry Taylor, stands with a more important person right now.

The tuxedo wearing Red Rooster sits beside the more casually dressed LEONARDO DICAPRIO!

TERRY
Hi.

LEO
Um..hi.

TERRY
Hi.

LEO
….Great to be here.

TERRY
Hi.

LEO
Do you have a question?

TERRY
You smell pretty.

COLE
This show is good. Too good for this planet. I should murder someone to right the world’s balance.


LATER TONIGHT
I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS. AND EDMONTON GIRLS. AND ONE GIRL FROM NEVADA.
VENICE BEACH BUNNY BRAWL
MELODY, MAGGIE AND JADE VS HOLLY, MORGAN AND LORELEI
TONIGHT!

[Chanel #99]

and 
JAMES BLONDE AND LANDON MADDIX SHARE THEIR FAVORITE HeldDOWN~! MEMORY

BLONDE
I think it's pretty obvious what my favourite memory of this show is. One of the great moments in the show's history, in the company's history even, the night that changed the world. It was everything great moments are made of. You had drama. You had excitement. You had a story of triumph, a conquering hero, his beautiful assistant. Truly a memorable moment in the OAOAST and on HeldDOWN~!, one that will be spoken of for years in hushed tones of awe.

MADDIX
That's right, it's the night I won the World Heavyweight Title!

MALIBU
I want to see people earning their keep around here, FIGHTING their way to the top. I want this company to remain the best damn thing going today, and a champion is only as good as his opposition! I...

Zack turns around towards the aisleway and stops for a moment, as Mr. Boricua and Vitamin X from the Lightning Crew have come out to ringside! Malibu doesn't say a word as Boricua climbs up the steps and into the ring, while X circles ringside.

COLE
Two members of Tha Puerto Rican's Lightning Crew are out here now, and I wonder if they're taking what Malibu's been saying to heart.

COACH
He said he'd welcome all challengers.

COLE
I don't think he meant NOW, Coach!

Boricua confronts Zack, mouthing off in his face, which Zack takes in stride...until Boricua SPITS on the World Title belt, then slaps Zack across the face! Infuriated, Malibu drops down and takes Boricua's legs out from under him, then gets atop him and starts wailing away, momentarily forgetting about Vitamin X, who slides into the ring and starts putting the boots to Zack Malibu!

COLE
They're mugging the World Champion!

VX drags Zack to his feet, but neither man allows him the room to get up, instead pounding on him with clubbing blows across the back. Vitamin X then sends Zack into the corner, and has Boricua whip him into him, nailing Zack wtih a corner clothesline before tossing him out of the corner, into the waiting arms of Mr. Boricua, who drills the World Champion with a SPINEBUSTER~!

COLE
It's a 2 on 1! We need some help out he...wait, what's going on in the back? Can we get a camera back there!? What's going on!?

As Malibu is being worked over in the ring, a camera shakes, as the cameraman jogs through the backstage maze of hallways, where Tha Puerto Rican has just been hurled over the catering table, taking both table and food down with him! The camera pans over, and the man responsible is TODD CORTEZ, who moves the table aside and drags PRL up, running him headfirst into a wall!

COLE
What the hell...we've got two members of the crew out here, Tha Puerto Rican has been jumped by Todd Cortez backstage, and...now wait, c'mon now!

The crowd boos loudly as the South Central Millitia, weilding steel pipes, hit the ring! Vincent and Marcellus roll into the ring, and the Crew members welcome them, asking if they want a shot at Malibu as well. Unfortunately for VX and Boricua, the only shot the SCM takes is on them, as Vincent nails VX in the ribs with one pipe, while Marcellus does the same to Boricua, and follows up with a shot across the back!

COACH
What's going on here, Mikey!? Am I seeing this right!?

The crowd, as shocked as everyone else, roars, as the South Central Millitia, just one week seperated from doing battle with Zack Malibu, have saved him from the Lightning Crew! Vitamin X and Mr. Boricua lay on the floor aching and bruised, while Vincent and Marcellus slowly help Zack Malibu to his feet!

COLE
I'll be damned, I never thought I'd see the day that the SCM and Zack Malibu were on the same page!

Malibu is shocked too, but Marcellus helps him up, assuring him he's going to be OK...but that's BEFORE he slams the steel pipe across Malibu's ribs!

COLE
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE TONIGHT!?

IMMEDIATELY, the crowd picks up on the swerve, and start booing loudly, as the SCM beat Zack down, gangland style! Zack tries to fight up, but every time he does he's sent back to the canvas, worked over by hard shots from the gangbangers, and that's when Landon Maddix appears on the scene, jogging down the aisle!

COACH
Maddix!

COLE
C'mon people, get Zack out of there!

Santana and Wallace pull Malibu up, holding him securely with one arm each, as Maddix picks up the mic Zack dropped during the attack.

MADDIX
Hey, Malibu, guess what? You beat me four days ago, and that's all well and good...but you remember one thing, you took that title match Sunday because of your own damn selfish pride. You wanted to prove so badly that you were going to take this World Title belt of yours (Landon picks up the belt and dangles it in front of Zack's face) that you took my challenge on the spot. Let me spell that out to you again Zack... you accepted my challenge. Zack, that was the biggest mistake of your life, because just like you, I know it's always wise to have a backup plan. So Zack, I'm gonna give you a chance to kiss this belt goodbye, because I am cashing in my Money In The Bank win RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW~!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

COACH
Oh snap!

COLE
So THAT'S what this is all about! Landon's trying to set up a cakewalk for the belt!

MADDIX
REFEREE! ANY referee, we've got what, like 40 of you on the roster? Get your ass out here, because I'm going to END you, Zack! Leave him to me, boys!

Santana and Wallace drop Zack to the mat, as Maddix looms over him, playfully kicking him while holding the World Title in his hand.

MADDIX
Get up, Malibu! Get up, and say goodbye to your precious championship!

Zack slowly pushes up, rising to his feet, as Landon throws the mix down and folds the belt up. He cocks it in his hands, and Malibu stands tall as Landon rushes forward with a BELTSH...NO~! ZACK DUCKS IT AND ROLLS HIM UP WITH A SCHOOLBOY, JUST AS EARL HEBNER HAS HIT THE RING~!

ONE!




T-NO!

Popping right back to his feet, Landon unloads with stomps. A flurry of them, pinpointed to the ribs of The Franchise!

COLE
Look at Maddix, like a man possessed!

COACH
This is a shocker! I think we all assumed Landon has used his Money In The Bank at The Bash, but it turns out he had it in reserve the whole time. He played Zack like a fiddle!

Finally the stomps end and Landon wipes the hair from his eyes. Eyes that are wide, Landon aware of just how close he is. Dragging Zack off of the canvas, Maddix grabs him by the wrist, dragging him forward into a short knee. The air rushes out of Zack's body with a loud, pained groan, as Maddix connects with a second knee. Releasing the arm, a HARD kick then floors Zack, the World Champion sitting up with blood beginning to dribble down his chin.

COLE
Zack, bleeding from the mouth again! Those internal injuries have had no time to heal what-so-ever and yet again, he's in serious, serious trouble.

COACH
And Zack can't blame anybody but himself.

COLE
How!?

COACH
He wanted to be the 'fighting champion'. He wanted to be the hero. Say what you want about Drek Stone, I don't remember this happening to him.

"LET'S GO ZACK!"
"LET'S GO ZACK!"
"LET'S GO ZACK!"
"LET'S GO ZACK!"

The Indianapolis crowd try to get behind Zack. Even their support doesn't seem to be helping though as Maddix drags him up by the hair, whipping him into the buckles and watching with a satisfied smile as Malibu crumbles out of the corner.

COLE
Zack came in injured tonight, he has been beaten down by four other men and now, now THIS! And look at that grin on Landon's face! This is sickening!

Slowly walking over to Zack, Landon takes his sweet time. Again he drags Zack up by the hair, delivering another hard kick to the ribs. And in a final insult he then slides to Zack's side, struggling as he takes him up with the ANGLE SLAM~! Not the finest execution, but who cares?

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

COLE
Damnit!

COACH
I think that's what they call 'poetic'.

Megan raises her arms in the air, counting along in glee with Landon as he covers...



ONE!







TWO!







THRE...


NO, ZACK KICKS OUT! ZACK KICKS OUT~!

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

COLE
YES! COME ON ZACK, FIGHT, FIGHT WITH ALL YOU'VE GOT!

"ZACK!"
"ZACK!"
"ZACK!"
"ZACK!"

Utterly shocked, Landon begins to get that sinking feeling. Zack is still in the fight, however barely. But before Zack can get back up, he takes a punch to the ribs. Again. Again. And again and again and again and again, with no end in sight, Maddix trying to turn Zack's internal organs into mincemeat!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Eventually Zack seems to go limp, and Landon is the one keeping him from falling, as he holds him by the collar of his shirt. Leading Zack away from the ropes, Landon hoists Zack up onto his shoulders, looking to deal the death blow. However, before Zack can Go 2 Sleep, he decides he wants to stay up a little while longer, and kicks himself off Landon's shoulders! Thinking quickly, Zack goes for the ANGLE SLAM~!, but can't lift Landon, dropping him to his feet! Favoring the ribs, Malibu keels over and winds up scooped up again, onto Landon's shoulders, before La Cucaracha decides to put him to bed.

GO 2 SLEEP ON ZACK MALIBU~!

COLE
No, COME ON! This is robbery! This was a premeditated assault!

Malibu, with blood dripping down his chin, is lifeless, as Landon Maddix makes a rather arrogant cover.

ONE!

TWO!





THREE!

DING! DING! DING!

COLE
NO! I don't believe it...this can't be happening!

COACH
It is, Mikey Cole, it most certainly is! We have a NEW World Heavyweight Champion, and it happened right here on live television!

As "Personal Jesus" is cued up, Landon Maddix is given the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship, and he clutches it to his chest. Megan Skye rolls into the ring and rubs her mans shoulders as he stares into the gold center plate, then rises to his feet and unleashes a primal scream as he raises the belt in the air.

COLE
I...I'm in shock. I don't believe what we've just seen.

The Millitia enter the ring as well, as Landon shakes both their hands and thanks them, before they take Landon and lift him onto their shoulders like a conquering hero!

COLE
This is disgusting!

COACH
This is history, baby!

The crowd boos loudly, some even risking evicition from the arena by tossing everything from beer cups to nacho dishes into the ring. OAOAST come to ringside and tend to Zack, gently sliding him out of the ring and onto a stretcher so that they can get him backstage and checked out by medical personnel.

COLE
Zack Malibu has been brutalized here tonight, and Landon Maddix swept in like a thief in the night, stealing the item that means most to him. Landon Maddix is the new OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, and I guarantee you one thing folks...things are going to change around here, and not for the better!

COLE
The main attraction here tonight undoubtedly the OAOAST World Championship match in our main-event. The stars are out in force to support hometown hero Krista Isadora Duncan in her pursuit of the gold. Emotional favourites don't come too much bigger than Krista in LA. In the face of this partizan atmosphere, World Champion Leon Rodez finds himself in the unusual position of spoiler. How is he feeling ahead of tonight's big title defence? He's standing by with Josh Matthews.


We find the aforementioned interview and World Champion in front of the HD interview backdrop, a noticably more serious World Champion than usual.

MATTHEWS
Leon, first of all congratulations on retaining the World Heavyweight Title at AnglePalooza. But as relieved as you must be, little time to dwell on the celebrations from Sunday, as tonight you must defend against Krista Isadora Duncan, in her hometown, never beaten in singles competition.

RODEZ
So you want to know my thoughts? Quite frankly I'm not sure of them myself. Of course, I'm feeling happy to still be the World Heavyweight Champion. Am I happy with how it went down? Not a bit. Here I stand, on the 300th episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN, representing this company as the World Heavyweight Champion and it's an honour. But I don't feel much honour over what happened Sunday night and to be honest it's one of a few things bugging me just a little bit at the moment.

Leon scratches at his neck uncomfortably.

RODEZ
AnglePalooza was my first big test. Tonight was supposed to be the second. Problem is, I didn't exactly pass the first with flying colours. What with Mister Dick wiping out the referee and Tha Puerto Rican sticking his nose in, Sunday night left everybody with more questions than answers about me as a World Champion.

MATTHEWS
Well when PRL came down, you were in a pretty bad way.

RODEZ
Yeah no kidding, I'd just got punched in the nuts. If you want, we can see how you cope with the rest of the interview in a similar condition.

MATTHEWS
No, that's... that's fine, thank you.

RODEZ
Besides, I never asked for nor wanted PRL's help. Right after I won the World Title, I vowed to everyone that I was going to be a fighting champion. For the good of the company. For the good of the fans. Not only that, for the good of me, because I realise I've got to prove myself as World Champion. What I wasn't expecting was for my first Pay Per View title defence to be tarnished by outside interference to help me retain. That's not what I had in mind when I vowed to be a fighting champion. Not by a longshot. So I really didn't prove a thing.

MATTHEWS
Tonight you've definately got the chance to make that up and prove yourself though. And then some.

RODEZ
Krista's record speaks for itself. There's... something about her. I'm not going to kid myself into thinking any different, because I've been in the ring with her before and I know what she's capable of. She throws people off their gameplans. And it's gotten to the point where psychologically, she's got half of her opponent's beat before they even step into the ring, because they're either so worried about the record, or they're so obsessed with not falling into Krista's gameplan that they don't have time to impliment their own. Don't get me wrong, it's not all headgames. You don't go as long as she has without a singles loss to her name without having talent. But you've got to deal with the headgames or you're done for. So with that said, all of that plus her hometown behind her, you could argue this isn't just my toughest title defence, it's one of the toughest title defences any World Champion has ever had to make. But am I worried? ...well, maybe. But I'm also looking forward to it in a sick, twisted way. This... this is what being World Champion is all about. Nights like this. Challenges like this. If I can overcome this, nobody can doubt that I'm World Title material because it'll be talked about for years to come, that on the 300th HeldDOWN I overcame the odds and put on the performance of a champion. So for all the motivation Krista's got behind her, I've got more than enough of my own. Sunday's been and gone. Tonight, it's all about erasing that memory and creating a better, longer lasting one. Because I don't intend on becoming a footnote in history, I intend on MAKING history.

Leon walks off, still in determined mood.

MATTHEWS
Okay guys, back to you.

To Sofa Central.

COLE
The World Champion clearly focused, but champion or not he goes into tonight's main-event as the underdog to many. Well, to the majority, if you factor everything in. We spoke to leading Las Vegas bookmakers earlier in the week to get their thoughts on proceedings and although they rudely laughed us off and insisted they'd never provide odds on professional wrestling, the last letter of the last word they said, "Off", is an 'F'. And since 'F' designates 'Female', it's clear the Vegas oddsmakers have Krista as their favourite. Very interesting.


TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
OAOAST WORLD TITLE
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN VS LEON RODEZ
TONIGHT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

SPENCER REIGER SHARES HIS FAVORITE HeldDOWN~! MEMORY

SPENCER REIGER
My favorite HeldDOWN memory…I don’t think I actually have one. I tried but I can’t think of any single thing that’s memorable about this show. There’s nothing I would want to waste precious brainspace on. But, I guess for the sake of your dumb question, and so I don’t get yelled at, I’d say my favorite memory hasn’t happened yet.  Its when I become OAOAST world champion and take this company to the next and ultimate level in athletics and entertainment. The only problem is your great and awesome champ, the good honest guy from Grand Rapids that says he’s taking on all comers is a phony and a fraud. You’ve been champion since November, dude. November! That’s three months, and you’ve defended your title twice. Two measly times. Fighting champion? Fighting champion my ass, you aren’t worth crap, Leon Rodez. You take a cowards way out, because you’re avoiding the one person who will most definitely go down as greatest world champion in the history of time. Myself. OAOAST Marks, the Mark in your name implies you’re stupid but don’t be stupid enough to let Leon Rodez or the front office pinheads trick you into thinking he’s a fighting champion or that I have to pay my dues before I get my shot. They know exactly why I’m stuck bickering back and forth with wrestling’s last real asshole, Tim Cash. They see the virtuous fun loving guy they’ve worked hard to make into a star, they see his title reign crashing to an end when I get near him. The OAOAST is very afraid of your’s truly. Everyone on top knows the only person that can stop Spencer Reiger is Spencer Reiger. My star power is too much power for the likes of them, and if I get any kind of shine on they’ll never be able to control me. That’s why I had such a lousy draw in the Lethal Rumble. Its random for 29 guys. But for New York’s Finest its nothing but a useless rigged sham.  I would’ve been better off staying in the hotel room ordering room service. They didn’t want me maineventing Anglemania. And why’s that? Its because I’m the only person bigger than the event itself. Deep in their minds they know if I got anywhere near the top of the card, Anglemania would become Spencermania! I don’t know what most of you do for a living. You probably live like bums and flip burgers before going home to take care of a kid that everyone knows isn’t your’s. I on the other hand was born for success. I’m not just a superstar in the OAOAST, I’m a superstar in life. I always have been. I fly high enough to kiss God on the lips. OAOAST Marks, I realize HeldDOWN has been full of some most boring tripe ever shoveled onto television. But, don’t you worry, I promise to give you something worth remembering in the future.

300 EPISODES OF MAGIC

COLE
Well, folks, I said there’s celebrities here and god damn I won’t allow the likes of you to accuse me of being a liar! Here’s Josh Matthews standing by with Kristin Dunst.

Josh stands in a luxury booth with the talented and lovely Kristin Dunst.

JOSH
Hi, Miss Dunst, how are you enjoying the show?

KRISTIN
Very much, thank you. Its great to be apart of this excellent event, thanks for having me.

JOSH
How could we not. After the Sandman and Venom hold you captive in a taxi cab suspended thousands of feet in the air.

KRISTIN
Um…hold on a second.

JOSH
And a few years before that Doctor Octopus kidnapped you to get at Peter Parker, and the original Green Goblin never made things easy.

KRISTIN
You do know that’s a movie, right? None of that stuff never happened?

JOSH
What about Harry flying in to rescue Peter from the Sandman? That happened!

KRISTIN
Nope sorry. All special effects. Guess what else? That wasn’t even James Franco in there it was a…stunt double.

KRISTIN
Yes!

JOSH
I need time to process this shocking information. Back to you.

[Chanel #99]

ANGLEPALOOZA 2009
REPLAY AVAILABLE NOW!
PLZ ORDER. I OWE MONEY TO ANGRY YAKUZA BUSINESSMAN WITH A PROPENSITY FOR DISMEMBERMENT!

COLE
AngleMania VIII, just 77 days away now. And we already know one half of our main-event in Indianapolis. This past Sunday's Lethal Rumble saw the awakening of a Meterosexual Monster...

Reject thinks he's eliminated both guys, and starts to celebrate, but Bo has just gone to the apron, and rolls back inside and comes to his feet. Reject and Bohemoth stare each other down briefly from across the ring.

COLE
Two men left! The Deadly Alliance vs the In-Crowd! Reject vs Bohemoth! Which one of these men will go on to AngleMania?

Reject charges, and throws a right hand, which is blocked, and a slugfest ensues! Bo gets the better of the exchange, then whips Reject into the ropes, and attempts a PRESS SLAM~!, but Reject slips behind the back, and tries for the EULOGY~!!!!!11111, but Bo blocks, shoving Reject into the ropes, and clotheslines Reject to the mat!

COLE
Bo strikes the first big blow!

Bo then whips Reject into a corner, and charges, but Reject gets a foot up! Reject then climbs onto the shoulders of Bo, and rolls over into a victory roll, then gets to his feet, hooks Bo's legs, and turns him over into the R-LOCK~!!!!!11111

COACH
R-Lock!

Bo crawls to the ropes, then grabs the middle rope, and uses the momentum to pull Reject over the top rope! Reject hangs on, as Bo puts his hands on his knees in the middle of the ring, and skins the cat, then comes back in and tosses Bo over the top!

COLE
Ooooh, not quite!

Bo narrowly avoids the floor, then rolls back inside and quickly gets to his feet, catching the charging Reject with a SPINEBUSTER~!

COLE
And Reject gets caught!

Bo picks up Reject, and THROWS HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR~!!!!!

*DING DING DING*

COACH


COLE
REJECT IS GONE! BOHEMOTH!!! BOHEMOTH IS GOING TO ANGLEMANIA!!!

COLE
So it will be Bohemoth challenging for the World Heavyweight Title on the biggest stage in the OAOAST, AngleMania, after surviving 29 other opponents. And we will hear live from the new number one contender next week in St. Louis, where I've got the exclusive first interview on this very show. In the meantime, our backstage cameras caught footage of Bohemoth as he came through the curtain fresh off of the biggest victory of his career. And here's an exclusive look at that.


<<<OAOAST.COM EXCLUSIVE>>>

Just past the 'go' position we catch up with the Rumble winner, distant sounds of cheering fans still audible as he's just gotten through the curtain. Sweating from his half an hour plus exertion, Bohemoth limps through the walkway into the main backstage area, to find Josh Matthews waiting for him. Bo has to take a deep intake of breath, wiping some of the sweat from under his nose as he smiles.

MATTHEWS
Bo, congratulations, how are you feeling moments after winning the Lethal Rumble?

BOHEMOTH
Oh man. First of all, I'm feeling relieved to have survived, hung on and won the thing. When it came down to just me, Alfdogg and Reject the odds weren't looking too good. But I'd come too far to throw it away at that point. Two on one, didn't matter, I dug in and I did what I said I was gonna do and that's win the Lethal Rumble. And now, that means I've got a whole lot to look forward to I guess. World Title, AngleMania main-event. It's been a long time coming but I'm there. And it feels great.

MATTHEWS
Well congratulations again Bo, great job, we'll let you go and celebrate.

BOHEMOTH
Thanks Josh.

Patting Josh on the back Bo limps on, being greeted by a congratulatory hug from a certain blonde just as we fade out.

PATTY SEZ: I know who that blonde is! I am smarter than ALL OF YOU!


COMING UP NEXT
VENICE BEACH BUNNY BRAWL
MELODY, MAGGIE, JADE VS HOLLY, MORGAN AND LORELEI
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen the following match on the 300th edition of HeldDOWN is a Venice Beach Bunny Brawl!

"YEAAAAAAAA!"

The camera switches to a shot of the OAOAST ring which is littered with various beach paraphenilla. Its even spilled over to the outside where goodies are set up in front of the guardrail.

BUFFER
Introducing first the special guest timekeeper!

The stadium’s speakers pour out the drippy melodies of Creed’s Higher. A fond pop of remembrance goes up from longtime OAOAST fans who eagerly await the arrival of this former superstar. They needn’t wait for very long as Mad Matt makes his way out the entrance doors. He waves to the fans with a polite smile  as they give him a solid ovation for his service to the OAOAST.

COLE
Alright Mad Matt! A former X Division Star and a rival of such big names as Sly Sommers and Axel.

Matt trots down the ramp, slapping hands with the audience and even taking the time to sign autographs of programs for this legendary show.

BUFFER
He is a former X Division Champion and true wrestling dare devil….MAD MATT!

The one time star of the X Division takes his place at the time keeper’s table. The smile on his face hasn’t even come close to fading, as he’s simply so giddy about being back in the OAOAST.  

COACH
You wanna impress me with a former champion, get Men on A Mission, former tag team champions. Cause I’m a man on a mission, a mission to find out who thought Mad Matt was a worthy superstar to roll out for the 300th HD. Who thought I would find this cump ruining my good T&A match acceptable.

COLE
Personally, I’m delighted we’re paying tribute to the people who made this company so great!

BUFFER
And the special guest referee!

The Sooner fight song brings out a loud roar from the audience, who finds a dancing Jim Ross to be the funniest thing since Gallagher. That’s right, folks. None other than Jivin JR, dressed for the occasion in a tuxedo, emerges onto the stage. Thrilling the hooting and hollering audience he does sprinkler for as long as he can before running out of breath and having to be carried down the ramp by security.

BUFFER
He is Black T’s former manager he's eaten 600 buffets and counting out of business he is the fat, the dancing, the disgusting….JIVIN JR!

Inside the ring JR seems to have regained his breath. Or just enough to remove his tux and show that he’s dressed for a day at the beach in a Borat style bikini.

COLE
Hahahah! Vintage Jivin JR!

COACH
This is how we chose to celebrate 300 episodes of hard work and dedication to sports entertainment? This is how we honor our struggle and sacrifice? I hope someone in power takes a flair flop onto a landmine. Awful!

Relative normalcy returns to Dodger Stadium when the ear grasping piano melody and unhinged power of Another Body Murdered rumbles over the landscape. The Boo Yah Tribe’s aggressive rapping is the perfect accompanied for the scowling Holly as she steps onto the entrance stage. Her thin ballerina like physique fills out a red skull patterned bikini top and matching beach skirt, while her back is adorned with golden angel rings. She gives the middle finger to the nearest camera before walking down the ramp with hands on hips and lips twisted into a snarl.

BUFFER
Introducing first…from Las Vegas, Nevada, she is a former OAOAST Women’s Champion, she is the Angel of Death….HOLLY!

Remembering Jivin JR and his odd nature all to well, Holly threatens him with a raised as she enters the ring. With JR’s fright keeping him at a distance, Holly is free to sit in the corner and impatiently wait for this whole charade to come to an end.

COLE
Holly a beacon of joy as always!

Paul Oakenfold’s “Sex and Money” takes the audience on an up tempo electronic adventure that’s heightened in pizzazz and flash by the miniature green pyro fountains that carpet the entire stage. The reaction for Lorelei DeCenzo is decidedly negative from the very city she calls home. The loud booing isn’t lost on Lori and she dismisses her fellow citizens with a frustrated wave of her hand.

BUFFER
And her first partner, she comes from this very city, she is The Money Honey, Lorelei DeCenzo.

Although wearing the jaw dropping outfit of blue Hawaiian patterned bikini and matching mini sarong, Lori can’t garner a single solitary cheer from her own city. Her frustration over this is taken out on a production assistant for wearing blue while she’s blue and that’s just the type of color infringement that can’t happen on the 300th HeldDOWN~!

COLE
Lori may not look it but she is the true powerhouse in the women’s division. Her bullying style of wrestling keeps her always in title contention.

Sizzling white and yellow bolts of electricity flash onto every single video screen in the arena. The lighting hanging over the steel entrance falls to a moody and depressive blue. A violent electrical bolt then blasts into stage flooring, causing some fans to leap back in fright. Through the misty fog that’s left in the aftermatch comes the disturbed Morgan Nerdly. Her cute little figure fills out electrical themed bikini bottoms and white top tyed up to her pert chest and exposing a lean and toned stomach.

BUFFER
And their partner from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada representing VICE and The Enterprise she is…INSPECTOR MORGAN NERDLY

Morgan sulks down the entrance ramp, ignoring the fans who give her catcalls and applause over her deliciously revealing outfit.

COLE
Morgan and VICE got a big shock earlier tonight as Ragdoll revealed he’s the-

COACH
Terroist! The terrorist behind trying to murder Mister Moneymaker. Of course he won’t be suspended, he’s got an In with Josie Baker. But Ragdoll is a menace and an unwelcome presence here in the OAOAST.

Inside the ring, Morgan leans forward over the middle ropes gazing with chilly disdain at the sea of fans. Behind her electrical sparks flare and cackle off the turnbuckles.

“Beat It” finally gives the audience something to cheer about as a Matrix like code speeds down the Angletron until it forms the word PLAYER ONE! Melody jogs onto the stage wearing a Neo like trenchcoat that’s definitely not designed for any beach besides one’s visited by the cast of Underworld.  Melody strikes a pose like's she wielding a light sabre before heading down to the ring.

BUFFER
And the opponent…introducing first from the fortress of Nerdlytude with the highest Gamerscore in Western Canada and 8th most channel views o all time on Youtube she is…MELODY “PLAYER ONE” NERDLY!

Melody proceeds to have JIVIN Jr and the majority of the audience drooling all over themselves with this stunt...



COACH
I have wood. But, lemme tell ya this…I ain’t happy about it!

“CrushCrushCrush” brings wild cheers from the jam packed stadium as green spotlights circle and twirl around the stage. Large pillars of smoke travel upwards, encasing the figure of Maggie Nerdly dressed like



BUFFER
And her partner and little sister, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, she is The It Girl and a former women’s champion….MAGGIE NERDLY!

Maggie skips down the asile, RAWKing the night away as she gives high fives and fists pounds to her adoring front row fans. She slides into ring doing her best to try and take Melody out along with her. Unfortunately, Melody slides out the way and Maggie’s attempt at injuring her sister is a failure. Oddly that doesn’t sour the bikini babe’s mood, as happily she points at each turnbuckle to send up a tower of bright green pyro.

COLE
Melody and Maggie are never not at odds it seems, so it’ll be interesting to watch them try and get along. Throw Morgan into the mix and you have combustible, and half naked, situation.

While the Nerdly girls argue simply for the sake of arguing, the entire Dodger Stadium audience comes to its feet to welcome their little girl.

"Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don’t care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They screamin' your name

Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don’t care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They screamin' your name"

The entrance stage lights are a powerful purple as they flash all around an Angletron that displays a pep rally inspired music video.  A GIGANTIC reaction from the hometown crowd greets Jade Rodez-Duncan and its not even soured by the fact she’s much more conservatively dressed than her bikini clad partners in a beach skirt and LA Lakers baby top. The women’s champion smiles from ear to ear at the fantastic and heartwarming reception while holding her women’s title into the air. The somewhat plain intro is a little bit ruined by her kid sister


MAYA DUNCAN BLANCHARD…

with a funky spin move and pink coat at that!


COACH
Swagger at a hundred thousand trillion!

Good mood just slightly tampered by Maya swagulent arrival, Jade throws her title over her shoulder and heads towards ringside. On the trip down she slaps hands with some of her hometown denizens. Maya on the other just fluffs her fake fur coat, remembering mommy says never slap hands with the crowd even if some of them are your neighbors. Alix Maria Spezia trails behind them, concerning herself with throwing flower petals from a basket, because, well ya gotta do something with them!

BUFFER
And their partner..she is from here in Los Angeles…she is the current women’s champion…being accompanied by the special guest commentars Maya Duncan-Blanchard and Alix Maria Spezia, she is JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN!

Maya raises Jade’s arm up into the sky and points to with full enthusiasm, singing her praises to an audience that’s already well sold on her greatness.

COLE
Jade is making what she hopes will be a triumphant return to her adopted hometown. But you have to wonder if the world title match between her uncle and her mother has had any effect on her ability to mentally prepare.

COACH
I’ll say! The other girls are dressed like they’re going to interview for a job at Hooters and she’s lookin like she’s gonna do a sermon at the Vatican. Disguting!

Maya takes up her position at the commentary booth.

COLE
Welcome Maya! Welcome Alix!

MAYA
What’s happening, daddio? I had basketball practice but I blew that Popsicle stand to make the scene here. TV is power, crazy awesome power, man. We’re gonna wig out and get copacetic, baby? Pow, pow, go cats go!

COLE
Ummm….

MAYA
I gotta write a report on Jackson Pollack for my history class. So, I thought I’d become the man before I write the man. Its very high level kind of stuff. Mom says you wouldn’t understand because she replaces your blueberry juice with windex in her attempt to slowly kill you.

DING DING DING

COLE
Mad Matt can sure ring that bell! Ding ding ding, yes sir! The stars are out tonight!

Morgan and Melody begin the contest with Morgan trying to intimidate her elder sister with a challenging glare.

“I don’t fear your electrical superpowers for I have mastered control of the space time continuum!”

“So you can see the future, huh?”

“In a sense, yes.”

“Then you should’ve seen this coming.”

Morgan shoves her big sister to the ground, eliciting a cry of annoyance.

“Great job, Nostradamus!” Morgan mocks.

“Yo, Lori, you wanna switch teams with me? Mine sucks!” Maggie complains form her corner.

Melody isn’t quite as fatalistic as her sister and springs to her feet with a bold cry of “MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAAT!”

ALIX
Ya know there was this movie a while back about a kid obsessed with video games and he went across country to a video game tournament all while avoiding this, like, mega evil bounty hunter. And ya know what’s worse? They made a movie about it starring Fred Savage! Do you think Melody wants Fred Savage to play her?

Onto her feet Player One charges at her little sister. But Morgan clamps down on her with a headlock. Melody fights against Morgan’s hold, clawing at her bikini bottoms. But her fight doesn’t stop Morgan from torturing her with nooggies!

COACH
Damn, only Melody would be lame enough to get clowned on by the second youngest kid in the family.

“You always thought you were better than me, Melly. I’m not gonna let you go until you tell me I’m the smartest and prettiest sister.”

“If you’re so smart then what is pi?”

“Pi is me snapping your neck in half with a spinning pile driver.”

“I’m gonna channel my Mana use my stored power to burst out of here.”

Amazingly Melody gets free of Morgan’s hold. However its not due to her Mana (Magic in dorkland) but rather due to Jade spraying Morgan in the face with a supersoaker.

“Good job, Jade! The only way to counter someone with electrical superpowers is with water.”

Taking this sound advice Jade hits the PI with another blast of water. The spray goes right up under her shirt and the fabric climbed up over her nice round breasts. While the Golden State may enjoy this, Morgan certainly does not and strikes their hometown girl with backhanded slap! Turning around towards her annoying elder sister, Morgan hears a loud cry of

“SHORYUKEN!”

And clocks Morgan with the jumping palm strike!

“YEAAAAAAAAA!”

“You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance.” Melody comments to her little sis.

COACH
Can you imagine wifin this chick up? This bish probably take you on a honeymoon to the new level she city zone she unlocked in Grand Theft Auto. Getting a new car would be winning one in Need for Speed, and your pet would be a good damn WALL-E robot!

Melody applies the tag to Maggie which leads the RAWK chick to ask, “You done being a loser yet?”

“Remember with great power comes great responsibility.” Melody reminds her.

Maggie snarls “Guess not.”

COLE
It’s the babies of the Nerdly family hooking up, 18 year old Maggie against 19 year old Morgan.

MAYA
Its awesome to have a sister. I mean, its just great. There’s so much you can do with them. Put mice in their bed while they sleep, say embarrassing stuff when they’re talking to boys, leave the door open on the bathroom when they’re in there and there’s company over.

Maggie turns to fire a shot at Morgan but has her punch blocked and eats a boot to the stomach. The blow pushes her back against the ring ropes, but she recovers and makes a mad dash towards Morgan. But Inspector Nerdly captures her in her arms and throws her over to the canvas with an amateur takedown. The basic move is made impressive by the fact that Maggie lands right into a pile of water balloons! Her perky breasts are instantly on display, stretching through the thin fabric of her cutoff MCR shirt.

ALIX (singing)
ALMOST PARADISE! We're knocking on heaven's door! ALMOST PARADISE! How could we ask for more?

“You dumbass, you said water was her weakness.” Maggie gripes, straining water out of her shirt.

“Hmmmmm, she must have evolved into some sort of second mutation. Beware!”

“Grrrrrrr.”

MAYA
Maggie and Melody should really appreciate each other a lot more and treasure every little insult and catty comment. One day one of them will be manning the fortress of Nerdlytude outpost in heaven, and all the other will have is their ghost to tell them how much they suck.

Less appealing to the audience is Morgan grabbing a bucket full of sand and dumping the entire contents onto Maggie’s head. Her pink highlighted hair now littered with grimy brown specks, the youngster Nerdly spews words that just aren’t appropriate for a girl her age. Morgan grabs onto her arm and attempts to throw her towards the ropes. But Maggie reverses the hold and sends Inspector Nerdly into the ropes. The Private Eye comes back leaping through the air to catch her arms around her sister’s head. In one swift motion she takes her back to early 90’s prime TV with the Unsolved Mystery (DDT)!

ALIX
Hark! I am fortunes fool for my misdeeds have sewn a life chained to a drunken middle aged battle axe when I could sip the tender juices of innocent Nerdly jail bait.

Morgan rolls to her corner and slaps the outstretched hand of Holly.

ALIX
Holly has really weird hair, ya know. Its like someone just holds her by her ankles and dips her in an easy bake oven for 10 minutes.

Holly enters the match with a thundering left cross across Maggie’s face. The “It” Girl recoils, clutching her cheek and stunned from the force of the strike. Holly merely stands in place, sneering and inviting Maggie to try and match her power. Unfortunately for her Maggie responds to the invitation with a punch that’s ten times as forceful as her’s.

“OOOOOOOOH!”

MAYA
Heh, that was awesome Maggie! Tell that Holly to take her P out her ear and kiss your A!

COLE
Why are you using letters?

MAYA
Because I’m a kid, dumbass!

Holly returns fire with a punch that stumbles Maggie backwards. But as soon as the former women’s champion recovers she begins battering her rival with blows that pop the sold out stadium audience. With a hold on Holly’s wrist she tries for an irish whip. But the Angle of death shifts momentum and its Maggie sent trotting to the ropes. As she returns Mrs.Mann throws out a forearm, but Maggie uses her own forearm to block it. The counter puts Holly off balance and leaves her wide open to the spinning round house kick Maggie slams into her face! Down goes Holly, thrown to the slick surface.

MAYA
Don’t taze me bro! This is a great match!

ALIX
Yikes! Young lady if your mom hears you needlessly complimenting people, instead of subtlety devaluing her sense of self worth she is gonna be sooooo PO’ed. You’re gonna get punished to a weekend of chucking beer bottles at the homeless on skid row till you learn your listen.

While checks to make sure all her teeth are in place, Maggie scoops up a nearby bucket. Holding the water filled container, her thin lips crack a devious grin. The grin spreads into a full smile as she watches Holly make a slow rise off the canvas. Once her foe is halfway up, Maggie giddily launches the water at her. Owing to miracle, Holly is able to slide out the way and the blast of water lands fully on Jivin JR.

“The poison! The poison! Damn these Alliance bastards! Damn them! God save mah WWF SOUL!”

ALIX
One time when I was in New York, I saw this like dead dude at a bus stop in the Bronx, and instead of calling the 5-o, I just dressed him up as Chief Sitting Bull and did routines from Annie Get Your Gun. So like maybe having to be on the same hemisphere as Jivin JR in a wet bikini is my karmic punishment from my hindu spirit masters?

Mags rather wisely decides to ignore the the OAOAST’s most embarrassing alum and instead terrorizes Holly with elbow strikes. But Holly counters by stabbing her combat boot into Maggie’s bare stomach. The Afterparty is doubled over, clutching a stomach who’s fair skin has now turned red. Holly seizes on her moment of weakness by heading to the ropes. As she returns she prepares to strike Mags with her leather covered arm. But, Maggie captures her outstretched limb and brings it down across her shoulder with the Deoderator!

“YEAAAAAAA!”

Holly stumbles around the ring, hounded by the white pain in her arm. Moving quickly to take advantage of Holly’s state, Maggie takes hold of the last remaining sand bucket. She wastes no time with sly smiles or devious grins, and instead rushes to Holly to dump it right down her swimming trunks!  The fans pop but Holly hasn’t a moment to complain before Maggie leaves her lying with a dropkick.

COLE
Talk about your junk in the trunk.

Pleased with her humiliation of her archenemises, Maggie gives the cheering crowd even more to celebrate when she tags in hometown girl Jade Rodez-Duncan!

“YEAAAAAA!” screams Jade’s fellow Golden Staters, blowing the roof off the building. Wait, we’re in the Dodger stadium. There is no roof to be blown off.

COLE
Little Miss California into the ring with a big time Hollywood reception!

COACH
Do you think these morons remember that just a month ago Jade was going by the name Little Miss Detroit, so she wouldn’t get booed out the Joe Louis Arena?

MAYA
I kinda sorta hope they don’t remember that one time she had too much cough syrup and ran around in her undies calling herself Raingelica cat queen of the rain people.

ALIX
So that wasn’t just a sweet, beautiful, crazy wonderful dream.

Jade storms forward and levels a rising Holly with running forearm smash that has the audience popping huge. She motions for Holly to return towards her feet, and when the Angel of Death does she traps her within a front facelock.

“Lemme hear ya!” Jade shouts.

“JADE! JADE! JADE! JADE!”  her hometown fans sing at the top of their lungs. However, they’re sorely disappointed as Holly manages to break free with a succession of punches to Jade’s ribs. The California cutie regains her strength rather quickly, and darts back at Holly. But the former women’s champion captures her inside a fisherman’s suplex setup.

COACH
Time for a ride down Rodeo Drive!

Thankfully for stadium audience, their girl summons an uncharacteristic amount of strength and powers out the hold. Frustrated with her failure to execute her signature hold, Holly swipes at her foe with a lariat. But Jade ducks beneath the strike and swings behind the Angel of Death. She places her hands on Holly’s bare back and shoves her towards the ropes. Lorelei makes a blind tag with Holly. However that doesn’t do much to help the redhead as her rockstar makeup is shredded by the E!ziguri!

“JADE! JADE! JADE!” chant her loyal supporters. But Jade hasn’t a second to acknowledge them before Lorelei totally obstructs her vision by spraying suntan lotion into her eyes. Sight totally filled with a stinging whiteness, Jade can’t prevent Lori from snatching hold of her arm. Within moments Little Miss California is being brought to the canvas by a devastating neckbreaker!

COLE
Jade an unfortunate victim of the E-Commercide.

Lori further enrages the sold out audience by “digging “ a grave over Jade’s body. Once her demeaning taunt is complete she drops a leg onto Little Miss California. But the plucky women’s champion slides out the way and Loreli’s limb crashes right into the canvas. Jade quickly scurries back to her and rolls her up into a pinfall…

ONE!

TWO!

But Lori kicks out. The fans are greatly pleased with Jade’s performance, but Lorelei is far from thrilled and curses up a blue streak. She gets to her feet, ready to strike at Jade. But it’s the cute cheerleader who draws first blood with a right jab. A left leaves Lori stunned on her feet, and a spinning lariat knocks her over to the canvas!

“EXCLUSIVE RICH LITTLE BLONDE GIRL KICKS ASS!” the fans sing.

COLE
That’s my line. Jerks!

As The Dollar Doll is left laying from Jade’s signature strike, Little Miss California decides to take a page out her mama’s playbook.



COLE
She got it from her mama!

ALIX
I wanna say that rocks my knee high ankle socks, but I’d be sending the message of “Hey, friends and family, I’m turned on by the daughter of my girlfriend who’s 12 years younger than me.” So I’m gonna say it pretending to be Abe Lincoln, “Four score and seven years ago our founding fathers brought forth upon this continent Alix Maria Spezia’s inalienable right to be turned on by the daughter of her girlfriend who’s 12 years younger than her.”

But unlike Krista’s, Jade’s booty shaking ends only in humiliation and utter failure as Holly comes to shove her to the ground.

MAYA


“BOOOOOOOOO!”

“A new challenger appears!” Melody quotes Street Fighter as she tags her BFF to prevent her from incurring further embarrassment. Into the ring Melody batters Lori with slaps that resemble E.Honda’s hundred hand slaps.  Lori fights back with piddling blows, but they can’t stop Player One from irish whipping her to a neutral corner. Lori crashes back first into the ring posts, where she grouses over her now sore back.

“GET OVER HERE!” Melody shouts in a Scorpion from Mortal Kombat voice, not realizing that you have to have a grappling hook to shoot from your hand to make that work. Thus Melody is forced to come after Lori herself. But by the time she reaches The Money Honey, Lorelei is well recovered and knocks her foe down with a leaping knee strike. She then hooks Melody’s leg for a fall…

ONE!

TWO!

But Melody lifts her shoulder off the canvas.  Lori grabs onto Melody’s odd Emma Frost inspired outfit and leads her upright. But Player One gains a sudden burst of energy and begins wailing away at Lori with the hundred hand slaps. Weakening her with the ferocious strikes Mellow Yellow is able to again throw her into a corner. Problematically its her own team’s corner, and Morgan applies a blind tag. But Lori refuses to allow Melody to have the last shot, and comes running back towards Player One. Problem is Melody has already preoccupied herself with a hula hoop!



ALIX
Oh wizened hula hoop let no one ever doubt the gifts of your benevolence!

And poor Lori runs herself right into the timeless toy! More humiliated than hurt, she rolls away to the outside to stew in her misery. Morgan takes a more wise course of action than Lori, evading the hula hoop altogether with a missile dropkick that topples Melody to the canvas.

COACH
Sometimes it’s the simple things like Melody getting dropkicked in the face that make you appreciate the subtle beauty of this thing called life.

“GOOD GAWD! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY MARINATING ON A HEARTY PLATE OF TEXAS RIBS LYING ON NAKED BODY OF A WELL SHORN JOHN WAYNE! AS GAWD AS MY WITNESS, SHE'S BROKEN IN HALF! BROKEN IN HALF LIKE MY SECOND MARRIAGE TO AN ARABIAN SNAKE CHARMER!” JIVIN JR screams while doing the cabbage page.

COLE
And sometimes it’s the simple things like Jivin JR that make me wanna bring a submachine gun to work.

Melody rolls back upright, and tries to put some distance between herself and little sis. But Morgan quickly cuts short that distance by striking Melody’s exposed stomach with a running knee. She lands three more strikes into her slender stomach that have Melody howling in pain. Then Morgan hooks her arm around Melody’s head in a front facelock, and grabs a tight hold of her bikini bottoms. While the audience may enjoy the peak at Melody’s heart shapped butt they don’t enjoy Morgan spiking her head off the canvas with a lethal implant DDT.

“GOOD GAWD WHAT POWER BY the 6’9 326 POUND MAN BEAST MORGAN NERDLY! Played her football at Ohio State where instead of dumping Gatorade on the coaches, she’d dump the blood of their next of kin!” JR comments to no one in particular.

While JR rambles off inaccurate vital stats and made up football accomplishments, Morgan ascends to the top rope. The stadium audience murmurs with anticipation over what could be a deadly and beautiful aerial assault. Jade is highly aware that her best friend is in serious trouble and takes steps to prevent her downfall. She picks up a water balloon from ringside and with all her strength throws it at Morgan!

“YEAAAAAA!” screams the fans as Morgan’s breasts pop out like cannonballs beneath her well strained shirt.

Morgan seethes with fury, no doubt considering charring Jade with a highly deserved electrical blast. But, Jade is only a minor worry compared to Melody who’s running up the ropes. Once she reaches Morgan she dazzles the audience and severely vexes her sister by throwing her off with an arm drag! Morgan hits the ground with a hard thud that shakes the ring despite her miniscule body weight.

COLE
Melody scoring big with that arm drag.

But not big enough to keep Morgan down, as the Inspector rises to an unsteady base. Melody charges in expecting to strike down her baby sister with a Zangief style spinning lariat. But Zangief is probably the crappiest dude in Street Fighter, and thusly Morgan catches her twirling sibling with a flap jack. Though Melody is able to catch Maggie’s outstretched hand for a tag she can’t avoid landing throat first onto the ring cables.

“OOOOOOOOOH!”

“Avenge me!” Melody croaks before falling over to the canvas to stage an overdramatic “death” scene. Maggie merely rolls her eyes at her sibling rival and moves on to confront Morgan. But Morgan is well prepared for her arrival and tags her in the face with an elbow strike. As the strike leaves Mags woozy, Morgan is able to slip behind her to tuck her head beneath and her shoulder and her around her scanty bikini bottoms. Maggie is hoisted into the for the Electric Thunder (backdrop driver) But midway through the hold, she shifts positions and slides onto Morgan’s shoulders to bring her down with a head scissors. Maggie lands with her tight tush on Morgan’s chest, and her sweet spot very close to Morgan’s face.

“SUGGESTIONS OF INCEST BY GAWD! ITS LIKE WHEN AH SAW THE WRIGHT BROTHERS KISSING ON THE TITANIC BEFORE THEY GOT ON THEIR ROCKET SHIP AND FLEW TO THE SMURF KINGDOM!” exclaims the pudgy referee.

Morgan flips forward before JR remembers he’s supposed to count, taking her turn for a pinfall and to pop the fans with the scintillating position.  But JR can’t even move his blubbery body down to count as Maggie reverses on the hold. She leans forward, leaving plenty of her milky white flesh for the audience to feast over. But the view is only a brief one thanks to Morgan kicking out the pinfall. Both Nerdly girls head to their feet with looks of fury filling their face. But, Morgan connects first landing two solid shots on Maggie’s chin. Maggie’s dizzied state let’s Morgan snatch her inside a gorilla press position. Her wet breasts rise proudly as her arms stretch Maggie high into the sky. Once she extends Maggie as far she possibly can, Morgan throws her forward and lets her fall quickly through the air.  Mags comes down right across Morgan’s outstretched knee! The audience shrieks in horror, watching the It Girl clutch her now sore midsection.  Morgan has zero sympathy for the youngest girl in her family and strikes her head with a harsh stomp before tagging Lorelei back into the contest.

“BOOOOOOOO!” the audience seethes, showing no hometown love for Lori.

The Dollar Doll orders Maggie back to her feet, forcing her to expend her own energy to rise.  Once Maggie rises, Lorelei surges forward and tags her in the stomach with a punch. Not one to endear herself to the audience, the Money Honey mockingly claps for her foe before using her highlighted hair to snap her backwards to the mat. While Maggie clutches her aching head and grimaces in pain, Lorelei wins over a few fans by showing off her statuesque figure with a sexy twirl. She then loses all those fans when she drives the point of her elbow onto Maggie’s face. Lori then hooks Maggie’s leg for the pinfall…

ONE!

TWO!

 But, Melody breaks it up by chucking a beach ball at Lori!

“YEAAAAAA!”

“Strong am I with the force.” Melody warns Lori in her best Yoda voice.

Apparently Melody’s endless streams of dorky thoughts exhausts Lori’s patience and desire to fight. As such she brings in the baddest bitch in the OAOAST, Holly. Entering the ring, Holly hits Maggie with the most vile of sneers. She then surges forward and plants her boot into the small of Maggie’s back. Maggie screams out in agony, feeling like Holly’s combat boots totally punctured her lower back.

COLE
Who’s ever heard of wearing combat boots to a beach?

MAYA
Actually the German youth group De Kinstien, known for outfitting themselves in aggressive military wear, is often seen wearing combat boots to the beach.

COLE
I like Sponge Bob! Do you like Sponge Bob, little girl?

MAYA
Your ignorance shames the broadcast profession. But most importantly, it shames yourself.

Holly grabs onto the strings of Maggie’s bikini top, and uses it to bring her rival to her feet. Taking hold of an arm, she’s able to irish whip Mags away. Holly lowers her head, thinking Maggie will fall for her leapfrog bait. But the baby of the Nerdly family refuses to fall for such tricks, and when she comes back she captures Holly’s arms and twirls her into the backslide. The audience pops for both Maggie’s counter and the delicious panty shot it brings them.

ONE!

But Lori is right there to break up the pin. Ignoring the inane warnings of of Jivin JR, Lorelei drapes Maggie’s arm beneath her’s as she pulls her off the canvas. The sold out fans are horrified to watch Lori nail the It Girl with her trademark urange into a back breaker.

COLE
What a move!

MAYA
Yes it is. In no small part due to the female back being perhaps one of the weakest and most susceptible body parts on a woman between the ages of 17 and 35.

COLE
If I gave you some cotton candy would you quit showing me up.

MAYA
Cotton candy rots the teeth, and rotten teeth leads to a rotten mind. After all an abscess in the mouth can cause brain damage.

Holly has the leg hooked for pin that’s counted by Black T’s former manager…

ONE!

TWO!

But Maggie scrapes her shoulder off the canvas, giving hope to a stadium full of OAOAST Marks.

“MAGGIE! MAGGIE! MAGGIE!” the fans chant, rallied by Melody and Jade. Although clearly exhausted from her trying time in the ring, Maggie uses the fans’ support to bring herself upright. But back on her feet, Maggie is struck by a swift body blow that doubles her over and leaves her nauseated. Holly then tightens her into a front facelock and as she scowls at her foe’s corner she swirls her gloved finger into the air.

COACH
What would the 300th HeldDOWN be without an ode to the Heavenly Rockers?

ALIX
Good. Watchable. Entertaining. Acceptable. Amusing.  Not something that causes me to vomit. Want me to go on? I’ve been reading the dictionary. Yeah, you can say it, I’m awesome.

But the dreaded finisher is never able to come to completition thanks to Maggie cinching her arms around Holly’s skinny waist and gracefully  flipping backwards with a northern lights suplex!

“YEAAAAA!” Dodger Stadium hollers, as Holly land directly onto her head.

COACH
Son of a! How you gonna jack a woman’s swagger!

MAYA
She’s got some dirt on her shoulder could you brush it off for her?

As the audience continues to cheer and roar in support of the Afterparty, Maggie makes a slow and painful trek towards her corner. On the video screens she can see Holly already beginning to stir. This motivates her to move faster, but her sore and tired legs can hardly comply.

“MAGGIE! MAGGIE! MAGGIE!” the audience’s chant scales louder, trying to will her to the corner.

COLE
Maggie has got to make it to the corner!

Holly is now on her feet, and though her vision is blurred by her aching head she can still see Maggie trying to make an escape. She rushes over to her just as fast as her combat boots will allow her. Her hands fall on Maggie’s ankles, in a desperate effort to drag her back to the center of the ring. But Holly’s actions are made futile when Maggie is able to scrape just the tips of Jade’s fingertips!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAA!” the audience goes entirely wild, their cheers for their hometown heroine sounding like booming thunder.

Holly drops her hold Maggie and immediately goes after Little Miss California. Wild haymakers are launched at Jade, but the adorable cheerleader deftly avoids them and shoves Holly into the corner. Holly tries to quickly stumble out the way, but Jade remembers the Little People in her life by using her uncle’s double knees in the corner. Holly sinks to the ground, grabbing onto her jaw and cursing her rotten luck. Rotten luck then becomes absolutely miserable luck as the women’s champion slams a running dropkick into her chest. Holly slinks over to the canvas, agonized whimpering falling through her lips.

“Here’s a treat for my all Cali fans!” Jade shouts to her people.



That might have been more impressive if Jade hadn’t trampled over Jivin JR at the end.

Massaging his sore fat JR whines, “BAW GAWD THIS MATCH IS CRAZIER THAN A PET COON SLATHERED IN BBQ SAUCE AND BLESSED BY THE KISS OF THE HOLY JESUS SAM BRADFORD OKLAHOMA QUARTERBACK!”

Unlike her mother, who’d impale JR with her heel just on principal, Jade tries to apologize for her gaffe. Unfortunately her moment’s distraction is all Lorelei needs to sneak into the ring. She tries to embarrass the more modest of the Duncan girls, by the pulling her skirt down. The staunchly pro Jade can’t help but betray their allegiance at the first sight  of Jade’s panty line. But unlike her fitness model mother, Jade is horrified at the removal of clothes and shrikes like a banshee as she bats Lori away. Now enraged over her failure to humiliate Jade, Lori runs in on her. But Jade slides sideways and lets The Dollar Doll collide with the turnbuckles!

“JADE! JADE! JADE!”

Lori backs away from the turnbuckles, stunned and short of breath from her collision. Things certainly don’t get any better as Jade pounds on her with a ferocious flurry of punches.

MAYA
That’s funny whenever Jade hits me, I snag her into a cross armbar I learned in my self defense lessons when I was in Girl Scouts, and I keep it there until she says she has to pee. Then I let her go, only to find I’ve locked every bathroom in the house. All 10 of them.

Finally, Lori fights through the onslaught of punches by rolling beneath a slow moving left cross. She grabs Jade into a rear waistlock and without wasting a moment of time lifts her up for a German Suplex! But Jade counters the throw by rolling forward and bringing Lori down into a rollup!

ONE!


TWO!

Holly breaks up the pin with an elbow drop to Jade’s head.

“BOOOOOO!”

COACH
Dishin out the pain Angel of Death style!

ALIX
What the monkey? Why dontcha just say she dropped an elbow? Does a hospital kitchen worker say “dishin out the flavorless processed food, minimum wage worker style?”

Hissing at the booing fans, Holly brings Jade off of Lori and to her feet. But Jade begins fighting by back by striking her with rapid fire punches. However, Holly puts an end to her parade of attacks with a vicious headbutt!

“BAWGAWD SHE HIT HER LIKE MY EX WIFE USED TO HIT ME AFTER A FEW HOURS ON THE MOONSHINE!”

Holly winds up to clock the dazed cheerleader with a massive haymaker. But Maggie shields her best friend from harm by spearing Holly right through the ropes! The pair crash through the ropes, hitting the outside mats with a loud and hard thud.

“Save the cheerleader…save the world!” Melody bellows in triumph, producing an eye roll from the exhausted Maggie.

Meanwhile in the ring, Lori has Jade setup for the Cashflow (fisherman’s DDT). But Jade stages a monumental struggle and manages to haul herself out of Lori’s clutches. She hasn’t any time to rest thanks to Lori swinging an elbow at her. But Jade avoids it by swinging behind her, and then traps her in place by hooking her hands beneath her chin.

COLE
Is she gonna get it from her mama?

Not quite as Lori slips through the hold to bring Jade to the canvas with a Samoan drop.

“BOOOOOOOO!”

But the fans disgust quickly changes to joy when Melody comes in do her part to save the cheerleader, and the world. Problematically her flying axe handle slam strikes the rotund official, causing him to cry like a baby deprived of his diaper.

MAYA
You’d think the fat and blubber would act like an anti-impact forcefield.

Melody pays the overdramatic ref little attention and instead goes right to work on hammering Lori with forearms. After the third strike connects Melody gives herself some room with a few steps backwards and then..

“Tatsimaki Senpuukyaku!”

Scores big with spin kick that leaves a KO’ed Lori flat on her back!

“ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!”

MAYA
Oh no!

Behind the still crying JR’s back, Morgan has singed her sister with an electrical blast. While the horrified fans fret over Melody’s health, a wholly unconcerned Morgan lays her arm across her’s in a casual pin. JR shuts down his water works just long enough to attempt the pinfal…

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

The audience can’t believe what they’ve just witnessed, having fully expected to see Jade give them a feel good moment. But, Little Miss California can only enter the ring in defeat, and lend her aid and assistance to her ailing partner. On the outside, Mad Matt earns his $300 apperance fee by ringing the bell

BUFFER
The winner’s….MORGAN NERDLY, HOLLY, AND LORELEI DECENZO

Lorelei is the most overjoyed of the three women, accepting JR’s congragulations with gracious poise and style. Holly is too busy arguing with Maggie, and forcing security to step between them. Morgan merely hangs around ringside, grinning at the ill gotten victory.

COACH
Could you call that a “shocking” victory”?

MAYA
If alliteration is the wit of excellence then puns are the wit of excrement.

COACH


COLE
Maya your mom has a big opportunity tonight as she faces down Leon Rodez for the OAOAST world title. Are you excited?

MAYA
As excited as my early teenage rebellion will permit me to be!

ALIX
Call me crappy annoying girlfriend, or Jennifer Love Hewitt, if ya want, buuuuut I’m sort hoping she loses. Pissed off sex is like a gazillion times better than celebration sex.

MAYA

[Chanel #99]

TONY BRANNIGAN SHARES HIS FAVORITE HeldDOWN MOMENT

BRANNIGAN
I guess it’s true what they say, time sure flies when you’re having fun. And fun I had wrestling on HeldDOWN~! Two moments in particular: the debut of Black T in the spring of 2004. The OAOAST tag titles had recently been vacated and a one night tournament was held to crown new champions. Dan Black and I entered as a mystery team and defeated 3 other tag duos in one night to win our first of three OAOAST tag team championships. Let’s flashback.

Static looks ready to deliver the flying piledriver- but suddenly his face crumples in pain, and he drops Dan to the mat! Scotty slowly falls forward off the top turnbuckle!

COACH
Ohmygod! What happened?!

Dan, on one knee, grabs the referee’s shirt and draws him down to him, talking rapidly, so that referee does not see Jivin’ Jim Ross enter the ring, holding a lead pipe.

COLE
Oh no! It was JR! He took out Scotty and the ref couldn’t see a thing! Johnny, look out! Over there!
Jackson is checking on the fallen static, and only turns in time to –

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!

-take the pipe full in his face!

COACH
What a screw job!

CABOOSE
And it’s all just a matter of steps from here…

JR slides out of the ring as Dan releases the referee!

A recovered T.Bod pulls Static out of the ring and throws him into the guard rail, before jumping back into the ring!

T.Bod and Dan picks Johnny up, his face covered in blood.

Combined Rock Bottom-Out of Body Experience. The Black Body Bag.

CABOOSE
3B! 3B!

Dan’s cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.


DING DING DING

BUFFER
The winners of the match….and NEW OAOAST Tag Team Champions- Dan Black and T.Bod, BLACK T!

Dan and TB snatch a tag belt each, holding them up in celebration, before hugging. Jivin’ JR skips back into the ring, nodding seriously at the new champs. Dan turns to JR, a new look of respect on his face, and shakes his hand. T.Bod, grinning, does the same.

BRANNIGAN
Great a moment as that was it’d get topped one year later when amidst civil war between Upstarts and Originals I captured the OAOAST Championship in a grueling contest against then-champion Axel, one of the Upstarts leaders.

Kick to the sternum bends Tony backwards. Axel whips Brannigan to the corner and charges after him, rocking Tony with a clothesline. Exact same spot in the opposite corner. Axel hits the ropes as Tony stumbles out of the corner -- but Dan grabs his leg. Axel pulls Black up on the apron and punches him. Down goes Black. Tony spins Axel around and has his right hand blocked. Inverted atomic drop. Brannigan scuttles around the ring in pain. Axel takes a deep breath and hoists Tony up onto his shoulders for the Axel Slam. Black jumps up on the apron and tries to distract the referee. But Hebner has had enough. He ejects Black, ordering him to go backstage. Black starts going crazy on the apron as Earl continues to tell him to leave. With his attention diverted, CWM jumps out over the barricade and slides into the ring. POLLYCUTTER ON AXEL! The fans gasp as CWM slides out of the ring and hops over the barricade again. Even Black looks shocked. With his eyes wide open, he slowly moves down to the floor, shaking his head slowly. Tony gets up dizzily and sees a prone Axel laying on the mat. He spots CWM running out through the crowd and knows exactly what's going on. He looks out to the fans for a second, then to Black who shrugs his shoulders with a frown on his face. It's almost like Tony doesn't know what to do. Finally, he picks Axel up off the mat and spikes him into the mat with the OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE! The fans gasp as the referee goes to make the count.

ONE...

TWO...

THREE!

* DING DING DING DING *

VENTURA
(laughing)
He did it! A new Heavyweight Champion of the World.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match and NEW OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... TONY BRANNIGAN!

The crowd roars in shock. Dan Black comes into the ring to celebrate with Tony. Both look a little reluctant, but they're happy nonetheless. Tony is particularly pleased, looking the happiest he has ever been with the title in his grasp. Even a good portion of the fans are cheering. From the crowd, CWM raises his arms up and claps. Meanwhile, DREK STONE, SCOTTY STATIC AND JOHNNY JAX step out onto the top of the ramp. With their arms crossed over their chest, they shake their heads disapprovingly. Tony and Black freeze as they spot these Upstarts staring at them. Axel picks his head up off the mat slowly, sees the three men standing up there, and realizes just what happened. He then drops his head back down to the mat, not believing what has just happened.

COLE
History has been made. We have a new World Heavyweight Champion. Tony Brannigan is now the OAOAST Champion. The OAOAST is officially under Brannigan's Law.

Our final shot of the night sees Tony staring at the title, caressing the "World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion" etched on the belt. He laughs hysterically, then kisses his newly won World Title.

BRANNIGAN
Unfortunately my reign would be short-lived, as I'd drop the title back to the man I won it from a couple of weeks later at the Great Angle Bash. But there you have it, folks. A couple of my favorite HeldDOWN~! moments. History is made with every show and perhaps something you see tonight will make it to air the night we celebrate the 500th episode of HeldDOWN~! Until then, enjoy the rest of the show.

300 EPISODES OF MAGIC

COLE
What a classic moment in time. OAOAST Marks, its time for a very unique twist on our celebrity guest concept.

COACH
Pacman Jones is here to buck shots at you?

COLE
No, Lil Wayne is standing by with OAOAST Superstar and Deadly Alliance member…Mister Dick!

Just like that we’re transported to a luxury suite where hiphop megastar Lil Wayne sits besides the Angle Award winning couple of Mister Dick and Malaysia

LIL WAYNE
What’s up world, I am Lil Wayne and I’m here at Dodger Stadium chilling beside Mister Dick. I am the VIP reporter and I don’t wanna hold you up, I just wanna see how your doing?

MISTER DICK
Lil Wayne. First things first, son, I don’t know nothing about little. I been big just as long as I can remember. I was a big man on campus in high school, I was a big man in the NCAA at Texas A&M, I was the big man carrying my worthless sack of stink partner in The Gunslingers, and I’m a big man in bed. Ask the girl of any one of these Viagra poppin can’t get it up sorry excuses for a man sulking around backstage. You wanna know how I’m doin? I’m about as good as a skunk lyin in the middle of the road inches away from a runaway tractor trailer. PRL, Tha Puerto Rican, the Colombian son of bitch I left lookin bloody and beaten for the good of this here industry all them months returned and jumped me from behind. Didn’t even face me like a man, jumped me from behind like a coward or a homo and cost me the greatest damn prize in this business! Now I’d like to have a civilized discussion between gentlemen over a bottle of jack and some playin cards about this whole here mixup, but I don’t think he’s in the building. This boy don’t wanna be part of the celebration! I think he got a case of the limber tale. I’m Superman, and he’s Clark Kent, you ain’t ever gonna see us together, because he’s a no good pansy! He can only confront me when I’m on my last leg in the most important war I ever done been through! But when I’m healthy and good to go, he takes his bags back down to whatever stinkin Mexican dump he comes from and he hides far away from me!

LIL WAYNE
Are you callin’ that man a chicken?

MISTER DICK
He ain’t no chicken, cause I ain’t gonna insult a chicken like that. PRL is chicken shit! Ya’ll heard the words out mouth, that boy is chicken shit! I laid a beatin on him sure as I had to do, but I aint say he gotta stay out the OAOAST forever. I just said he’s gotta stay out the world title picture, because we got no room for frauds and phonies like him. But instead of commin up to me like a man and givin me my do gratitude for letting him keep his job, he attacks me! That shoulda been enough right there! But that boy if ya give him an inch he’ll take a half city block and come back for the other half six minutes later. He entered that Letha Rumble. And he almost won! Them dopes couldn’t keep him from making them all a fool! I personally had to interject myself into the proceeding’s to keep him from trashing another Anglemania! PRL, I hope that’ll be the last of our issues and if you know your place it sure as hell will be. We’ll call ourselves, even, boy, I ain’t gonna mess with ya and you ain’t gonna mess with me. But I did promise to make damn certain you ain’t never see hide nor hare of the OAOAST world title again. That means if you you get a little big for britches and think yer gonna be huntin down the OAOAST World title, we’re gonna be getting in this ring, son, and somebody’s gonna get their ass whupped! And its gonna be you!

MALAYSIA
Hehhehehe, I can’t wait to hear him scream.

LIL WAYNE
Krista Isadora Duncan’s got a title shot just a night after you lost your’s what’s that like for you?

MISTER DICK
What’s that like, son? I’ll tell ya what its like, its like someone took a branding iron and slapped me across the face with it that’s what its like. I ain’t never done no moment of wrong in my life and the OAOAST is payin’ me a damn disrespect by givin that whore princess a chance at my title! I’ll tell you what, Lil Wayne, ain’t no way or no how is she gonna have a happy ending tonight! I won’t let that woman take hold of my world title! I’d sooner walk out there and kiss a man in holy matrimony than see that. You can bank on that.

LIL WAYNE
Aight! Thanks for that, Mister Dick and Malaysia!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

ALFDOGG CELEBRATES THE GREATNESS AND HISTORY OF THE GOAT FRANCHISE THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS

Cut to the inside of the Staples' Center, and zoom up to all of the Lakers' banners and retired jerseys.  Alfdogg is sitting in a chair in the catwalk above.

ALFDOGG
So you want to know my favorite HeldDOWN~! moment?  Well, it's pretty obvious, it's got to be the night I took the OAOAST World title for the first time against Caboose, July 22, 2002!

JR: This is it, the moment we've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen at home, set your VCRs, because after tonight you may never see either of these men again!

"Loser Leaves" OAOAT World Title Match
Caboose © vs. alfdogg

Finkel: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the OAOAT World Championship! Introducing first, from San Antonio, Texas, your guest referee, Tony, The Boooodyyyyy!

Tony “The Body” enters the ring and gets a mixed reaction, though as usual, there are more cheers than boos.

“This Means War” hits and Caboose comes down from the rafters, for the last time. Unlike his usual boos, the crowd cheers for Caboose’s last appearance in OAOAT.

Finkel: Making his last appearance in OAOAT, from Derby, England, he is your defending champion, weighing in at 215 lbs, Caaaaaaaboose!

The cheers turn to boos as “The Wall” hits and alfdogg makes his way to ringside.

Finkel: The challenger, from Anderson, Indiana, weighing in at 250 lbs, alfdoooog!

The bell rings and the two, once allies, are at each other’s throats. Tony forces them to break it up, and Caboose responds by superkicking alfdogg square in the jaw and covering for 1…alfdogg kicks out. The two brawl to the corner, and alfdogg drives his shoulder into Caboose’s gut. He goes up for a ten-punch, but Caboose pulls him off and powerbombs him. Alfdogg is up, but Caboose runs off the ropes and USES THE KNEE~! for 1…alfdogg kicks out again at one. Caboose goes for another superkick, but alfdogg ducks and rushes the other leg, bringing Caboose down. He then starts punching Caboose until Tony makes him break it up. He then delivers a standing Alfsault to Caboose and covers for 1…2…Caboose kicks out and rolls out of the ring. Alfdogg rolls out after him, but Caboose was planning on that, and grabs him and drops him onto the guard-rail. Caboose hops onto the ring-apron, and dives off in an elbow drop, driving his elbow into alfdogg’s kidney. Alfdogg falls off the guard rail, but when Caboose picks him up, alfdogg hits him with a hidden pair of nunchucks! From his angle, Tony didn’t see the ‘chucks, but after alfdogg whips Caboose into the ring steps, Tony tells alfdogg to bring it in. Alfdogg gives Caboose a Russian legs-weep into the ring steps, then rolls him back in and covers for 1…2…Caboose kicks out again! The crowd starts to get behind Caboose, as alfdogg gives Caboose the THREE ALFPLEXES OF DOOM~! He hits the release dragon and belly to belly with ease, but when setting up Caboose for the T-Bone, Caboose fights his way out of it and pulls alfdogg down into an inside cradle for 1…2…alfdogg kicks out! Caboose grabs alfdogg, and gives him a One Way Ticket, then climbs to the top turnbuckle and hits a Lo’ Down and covers for 1…2…2.5..alfdogg kicks out again! Caboose picks alfdogg up for a capture suplex, but alfdogg gives him an enzuigiri, and stomps away at the kidney. Alfdogg gives Caboose a spinning backbreaker, then puts on a surfboard submission hold. Just as it seems Caboose is about to tap, he makes it to the ropes! Tony forces alfdogg to break the hold, and as Caboose gets up he’s holding his side. Alfdogg gives Caboose the Super Tombstone Piledriver, and cover for 1…2...as Tony’s hand is about to come down for the three, cobainwasmurdered appears out of the crowd and pulls Tony out of the ring, and lays him out with a tire iron shot! Cobainwasmurdered then rolls into the ring and Conspiracy Bombs alfdogg and places Caboose on top as another referee runs down to make the count. 1…2…alfdogg kicks out! Outside the ring, cobainwasmurdered can be seen briefly talking trash to Tony and spitting in his face before hopping the guard-rail and disappearing. Back in the ring, Caboose hits the End of the Line, and covers for 1…2…alfdogg kicks out again! Caboose picks up alfdogg, but alfdogg shoves him into the referee and locks in an abdominal stretch for about twenty seconds to make it harder for Caboose to recover for the time being. With the ref down, alfdogg leaves the ring to get the nunchucks, and goes to strike Caboose, but Caboose rolls out of the way, and onto the floor, grabbing the title and, holding his side, attempting to leave up the ramp. About halfway up the ramp, Caboose turns to see if alfdogg is chasing him, but alfdogg is standing in the ring with a grain on his face. Caboose turns around and walks right into a Messiah Bomb from a waiting Sandman9000! The boos are thunderous as Sandman drags Caboose and tosses him back into the ring. Alfdogg covers, but Sandman can’t revive the ref. All eyes are on the entrance ramp as “Cowboy” Bill Watts himself, in a striped shirt, comes down to force Sandman to leave ring-side. Watts gets in the ring, but by now Caboose is recovered, and hits a missile dropkick on alfdogg and covers for 1…2…alfdogg kicks out! Both men are down, and Watts begins a standing ten-count. Alfdogg is first to his feet, and catches Caboose with an Ol’ Skool Arn Anderson-style Spinebuster and goes up for the Five-Star Alf Splash, but Caboose barely manages to roll out of the way! Caboose goes for a DDT, and covers, but alfdogg gets his foot on the ropes. Alfdogg gives Caboose a shot to the kidney, and hooks him in the Perfect Plex. Watts gives a fast count, 1..2..but Caboose still manages to kick out in the nick of time! Caboose argues with Watts about the count, but the crowd is on their feet as he sets up alfdogg for the Emerald Fusion. To get out, alfdogg gives Caboose a blatant low blow, which Watts allows, then goes up top and hits the Five Star Alf Splash and Watts gives another fast count. 1..2..3!

Watts picks up the title, holds alfdogg’s hands high, and awards it to him. The arena is filled with deafening boos as Watts kicks Caboose until he rolls out of the ring, where he is met by security officers who force him out of the arena. He gets one last look at the camera and, with tears in his eyes, mouths goodbye, until he’s finally thrown out. The crowd hasn’t relented their booing of alfdogg, who holds the title high above his head and taunts the crowd until fade out.

ALF
Of course, there's so many great moments to choose from, that no one could narrow it down to just one!  But, me being the outstanding mind that I am, there's your one great HeldDOWN~! moment!  They really should have made a separate HeldDOWN~! moments show, just for me.  But alas, no one has that sort of foresight in this company.  I gotta go now, but first, I got a surprise, we've been working on this all day.  Zoom out, cameraman.

The camera zooms out to display all of the Laker banners and retired jerseys.

ALF
OK guys, let it go!

A giant banner drops down, covering all of the jerseys and banners.



ALF


:(

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

DJ GIANT JESUS SEGMENT



MELODY NERDLY SHARES HER FAVORITE HeldDOWN~! MOMENT

MELODY
My favourite HeldDOWN~! Moment... it HAS to be when Leon was the 24/7 Champion and he put out that goofy open challenge. And then a guy dressed up like he'd wandered off and got lost from a Star Trek convention over the road, although I'm pretty sure there wasn't one on that date, anyway he came out and he was called 'The Spock'. And he was doing a Rock impression. Because they rhyme? Isn't that the most ingenius thing you've ever heard of in your life?

.:CUE: The Theme From Star Trek:.

COLE
...wait, what?

The crowd, understandably, go MILD~! as confusion hovers over the arena. Leon looks around as if to ask 'what the hell is going on?', as a few seconds of out of place musical interlude pass. Eventually, the entrance doors do slide open and all eyes fix on the entrance way...as a skinny looking figure steps through the curtains. A skinny looking figure that's kitted out in full Trekkie gear. The uniform, the badge, even the Spock ears. Oh, and an eyebrow painted over his actual right eyebrow.

-----------------------------

THE SPOCK
FINALLY... THE SPOCK... HAS BEAMED BACK, TO PLANET EARTH!!

*crickets chirping*

Hand on chin, Rodez tries to hide his laughter with a feigned look of interest. Pacing around the ring, The Spock gives the fans time to stop groaning before shooting the Vulcan Eyebrow! Leon can barely keep his laughter in check now, either for the content or the terrible wardrobe job.

THE SPOCK
And tonight, right here in front of the MILLIONS...



...



THE SPOCK
...and MILLIONS of my Trekkie fans, I am going to accept your Open Challenge. And I am going to lay the Spock down on your human ass!

COLE
Somewhere, Hoff is weeping.

COACH
Somewhere, PRL is weeping!

THE SPOCK
For I am the Klingon beating...
lllllalalalallllalalllaaaalloooowwwww
...Comic Book Convention Meet n' Greeting...
...Enterprise flying, more often than not in danger of dying...

Finally Leon has had enough, chuckling under his breath as he holds up a hand and pleads with The Spock to stop.

RODEZ
Woah woah hold up a second here...are you sure you're in the right place, buddy? Incase you weren't aware, this isn't the Sci-Fi Channel. We're on TSM. And granted, our core audience is made up of dateless nerds as well, but there is a big difference...somewhere.

COACH
Man TSM is so burned.

-----------------------------

THE SPOCK
There is no more to say, except this...

Cue hand signal.

THE SPOCK
Just Kling It!

COACH
Oh, I get it, because of the Klingons right?

COLE
*groan*

-----------------------------

"STAR TREK SUCKS!"
"STAR TREK SUCKS!"
"STAR TREK SUCKS!"
"STAR TREK SUCKS!"

COACH
Wow, a group of wrestling fans who don't like Science Fiction? What the hell universe are we in?

Pulling Rodez back up, The Spock looks for another irish whip. This time Leon has an answer to the move though and twists underneath the arm, pulling The Spock in, lifting him up and hitting an Inverted Atomic Drop! The Spock hops around holding his little Klingons as Leon now backs off the ropes, building up a head of steam as he charges in...and skids to a halt, as The Spock pulls the old 'hold your hands up and scream stop' trick. Still hurting, The Spock quickly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a...uhm, I forget what it's called. I don't actually watch Star Trek see and I'm certainly not doing research. I think it's a phaser or something. Anyway, whatever it is, The Spock holds it to his chest and prepares to beam himself up...




...and nothing happens.

COLE
Just when things couldn't get more ridiculous.

For what seems an eternity, Leon and The Spock and even Charles Robinson stand around looking at each other awkwardly, before finally The Spock throws the phaser down and goes back on the attack! More right hands find the mark before Spock lands a boot to the gut, setting up another irish whip. In goes Rodez, rebounding off the ropes and back into The Spock, who laboriously lifts Leon up and plants the spine on the pine!

COLE
Spinebuster!

COACH
And you know what's coming next...

COLE
Oh jeez.

Stepping over Rodez, The Spock stands at the head and does the weird hand motions. PRL prepares to file a lawsuit, rather than receive one for a change (BURN!), as The Spock then hits the ropes. Over top he goes, bouncing back off the ropes and slowing up, before dropping the elbow!

COACH
VULCAN'S ELBOW!



1...







2...






...

Yeah, right

Kickout!

Looking a little shocked, The Spock gets back up and drops into a crouch. Leon drags himself back up, still looking lost, as he lumbers around and gets caught under head and arm...

COACH
SPOCK BOTTOM...


...NO! Rodez elbows his way out of the move, then waits for The Spock to turn back around, popping him with a jab!


A jab!



A jab!



A jab!



A jab!


Rodez turns, blows the kiss, turns back...stops, looking at the Star Trek uniform and suddenly realising that maybe wrestling Crystal wasn't so bad after all...then lands the Enziguri!

COACH
Mama Said Knock You Out!

COLE
A sembleance of some form of normality, finally.

With The Spock down, Rodez calls for the end. A handful of the hair helps Leon to drag The Spock up and keep him controlled as he turns back to back with him. Crouching down, Rodez then sets and hoists The Spock up onto his back, turns and sits out with the Backpack Stunner!

COLE
Banana Hammock! That's what beat Crystal.



1...





2...





3!!

COLE
And it beats...The Spock!?

Rodez pushes to his knees and looks around the crowd, shrugging his shoulder as Charles Robinson raises his arm in victory.

MELODY
That was a satire-higher level of wrestling, no doubt about it. I actually checked this morning and there are like 450,000 views of that match on YouTube. When they make the best of Leon Rodez DVD that'd better be a DVD extra, or at least an easter egg. Five stars.


BACK TO THE ARENA.

COACH
(sarcastically)
Why did we ever get rid of the 24/7 Title?

IN THE MAINEVENT
OAOAST WORLD TITLE
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN VS LEON RODEZ
TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

TONY TOURETTES SHARES HIS FAVORITE HeldDOWN~! MOMENT

Tony is sitting backstage with Vinny Valentine, Biff Atlas, and Ken Pantera.

TONY
My favorite HeldDOWN moments have been the times I hid in the towel hamper outside of the womens' shower!  I've seen EVERY FEMALE TIT IN THIS COMPANY!

VINNY
Dude...seriously?

TONY
FUCK YEAH, DUMBASS!

VINNY
You're the dumbass!  You just gave away your hiding space!  You'll have to think of something else now.

TONY
...oh yeah.  BULLSHIT!

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and the Burrough Boys come barging in, with Luther carrying a bottle of vodka, and Waldo carrying a sandwich for some reason.

MARIANO
Word, you really wuz up in da bitches' showers?

LUTHER
Go on, baby, tell us about it.

TONY
FUCK YEAH, NIGGA!

QUINCY
...

MARIANO
It's 'wit an -a, it's coo'.

QUINCY
Word.  So, about them showers.

Tony pulls out a large trashbag, then pulls out a towel.

TONY
Alix's vag, right here.

Tony shoves the towel into his face, and takes a deep sniff.

TONY
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

LUTHER
...this nigga is crazy.

Tony then grabs another towel, and extends it to Biff.

TONY
Smell.

Biff falls over in his chair, and scoots back to the wall.

TONY
You were just telling me how much you think about Melody!  Well, this will add some realism!

Tony tosses the towel at Biff, who rolls on the floor to avoid being hit by it.

TONY
Hey guys...speaking of Melody...her and her sister Maggie...I've seen them in the shower, too...and they have a very close kinship, if you catch my drift.

The BB's start getting giddy and talking amongst themselves.

WALDO
We thought dey was beefin' over Leon...naw, 'dat was all just sexual tension between da two a' dem.  Ya notice dey both pushed Leon to da side!

QUINCY
Oh, SNAP!  What you know 'bout Malaysia, 'Tone?

MARIANO
Wooooo, I bet she tasted all da bitches in dat locker room!  Lined 'em up in line formation, on all fours!

LUTHER
Man, you got my dick hard jus' thinkin' bout her linin' me up!  Gimme one a 'dem towels, Tone!

Luther covers up with a towel, as the rest of the BB's burst into laughter.  Vinny then snatches the towel away.

VINNY
Hey Luther, what about Jade?  I heard she craves that dark meat!

LUTHER
Stop that shit, fo' real!

Luther rolls onto the floor into the fetal position, as Waldo jumps up and throws his fist in the air, continuing his laughter.

WALDO
Hey Luther, Molly wants yo' McButter!

Quincy rolls onto the floor in laughter, as Mariano approaches the camera.

MARIANO
Yo, dat was T-squared's HeldDOWN~! moment!  We out!  Fuck da West Coast, Brooklyn 4 life, son!

Mariano throws up an East Coast hand sign as the camera fades out.

[Chanel #99]

The Wall by Kansas hits, and The Deadly Alliance makes their way to the ring.

COLE
And the Deadly Alliance promised they would shock the world, right here tonight!  I can't wait to see this!

Alf climbs into the ring, followed by Sandman rolling inside, TK climbing in, and Reject and Mr. Dick escorting their ladies inside.  Alf grabs a mic.

ALF
OK, first of all...I want to talk about what happened last night at AnglePalooza.  Last night, our guy, Mr. Dick, had the World championship in his grasp...when out of nowhere, Tha Puerto Rican runs out, and hits him with a steel chair!

COLE
And it was well deserved!

Alf pauses for a second.

ALF
Not since the Lakers' acquisition of Pau Gasol have I witnessed such highway robbery in the sporting world!

*crowd cheers*

Sandman whispers something to Alf.

ALF
Excuse me.  Except for Sandman9000 NOT being awarded Title Reign of the Year at the Angle Awards!

*crowd boos*

ALF
But that's OK.  Unlike some other organizations in sports...*coughDodgerscough*...the Deadly Alliance won't need another 20 years to earn another shot at that title.  It's only a matter of time, before Mr. Dick gets his hands on PRL, and gets his revenge, and then, there will be no choice but to grant him another shot at the big one.

Reject asks Alf for the mic, who gives it to him.

REJECT
Thanks.  I know what you were going to get to next.  You were probably going to express frustration over the fact that I eliminated you from the Lethal Rumble match this past Sunday.  Well, you know what?  I'm not going to lie to you, Alf.  It was my intent to eliminate you at that point.

COACH
Wow!

Alf has a confused look on his face.

REJECT
Wait a second...however, my intent was to eliminate both you and Bo simultaneously.  That way, the Deadly Alliance gets the win!  You see, I've got to give you credit, you could have come out here and whined about how unfair it was that I took advantage of you, but you didn't.  You're putting team first.

Alf nods in approval, as the crowd boos.

REJECT
Well, I'm putting team first, as well.  You know what, nobody knows this until now...but when the decision was made for the Deadly Alliance to add a fifth member, Alf was against the idea, as he didn't want to tamper with the formula.  He felt we should stick with four members.

Alf asks for the mic back, and gets it.

ALF
I said that at the time, yes, but Mr. Dick has been an excellent addition to the group, and as I said earlier, is more than worthy of a return match against Leon Rodez.  So, I'll admit, I was wrong.

Alf gives the mic back to Reject.

REJECT
Well, Alf, I agree.  Mr. Dick has been a tremendous addition to the Deadly Alliance.  However, I've been doing some thinking, and as it pertains to only carrying four members in the group...you were right, Alf.

Alf looks confused once again.

REJECT
You see, once we added that fifth member, in fact, even before that...the Deadly Alliance hasn't been getting it done.  Sure we've had our share of gold...but we could be so much more.  With all the talent in this group, the sky is the limit!  I just feel like something's holding us down to the ground.  And as I said, I've done a lot of thinking lately, and have come to the conclusion that you were right, there should only be four members in the Deadly Alliance.  So, that means one of us has to go.

Alf begins to question Reject on his thought process...when he suddenly gets CLOTHESLINED FROM BEHIND BY THUNDERKID!  The crowd is in shock, as Sandman then delivers a big kick to the face as Alf is on the mat!  Reject takes a step back, as Mr. Dick lifts the legs of Alf, and STOMPS HIM IN THE NUTS~!  This brings a smile to the face of Reject, who instructs TK and Sandman to hold up Alf, who is on his knees.  Reject then grabs Alf by the face.

REJECT (w/out mic)
YOU asked for this!  (shakes face) You're FINISHED!  It's OUR TIME.

Reject then SLAPS Alf across the face, and TK and Sandman toss him down to the mat.  Reject then instructs Mr. Dick to grab something from ringside.  Mr. Dick slides to the outside, and grabs a chair, tossing it inside to Reject, who slams the chair on the mat and waits for Alf to get to his feet, as the crowd starts to boo.  As Alf turns around, he gets DRILLED with a sick chairshot from Reject!  Reject looks out to the crowd, which is now showering the new four-man DA unit with boos.  Sandman scoops up the bloodied Alf, then grabs him in a standing headscissors, and plants him with the ARCHANGEL'S WINGS~!!!!!11111

TK picks up Alf, as Reject sets up the chair in mid-ring.  TK then lifts Alf onto his shoulders, as Reject stands on the chair.  Mr. Dick keeps the chair balanced, as Reject jumps in the air, taking Alf off of TK's shoulders with a EULOGY THROUGH THE STEEL CHAIR~!!!!!11111  The now four DA members stand around the prone Alf for a second, then stand over him at his head, and the four members raise their arms for a stunned crowd as The Wall plays.

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Well folks, we're back, and still trying to let the events that just transpired sink in...we were told the Deadly Alliance would shock the world here tonight on the 300th HeldDOWN~!, and they certainly did just that, as it appears they have overthrown their leader and Deadly Alliance mainstay, Alfdogg, seemingly led by Reject!  We'll have more on the condition of Alf, and hopefully get the motivation for this heinous attack in the days to come from what now looks to be the Reject-led Deadly Alliance stable of four.

The dramatic playing of LA Symphony Orchestra ring out across Dodger Stadium as the crowd gear themselves up for the final, epic encounter in a night that has already burned itself into the annals of wrestling history. Hehhe anals. The gigantic Angletron screen changes flashes up a new graphic. On the left stands Leon Rodez, clad in his favorite purple robe, holding his shiny world title belt over his shoulder. Beside him is Krista Isaodra Duncan, showcasing her Hollywood beauty with an alluring pose. On the left of the screen stands a stocky man with reddish-brown hair and a title belt over his shoulder, flanked by another man with spectacles and a steel briefcase. His name flashes up below him A super imposed image of the world title appears on screen, prompting words to flash up underneath…

OAOAST WORLD TITLE

“YEAAAAAAAAAA!”

COLE
But if anything could get the stunned audience in Los Angeles back into the show, this is it!  Krista, the City of Angels' own, gets her shot at the World title and Leon Rodez!  Let's go up to Michael Buffer!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen it is time for your world title mainevent on the 300th episode of HeldDOWN! The contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of sixty minutes. Introducing first the champion

COLE
This is it, Coach. One way or another history will be made.

The shareef dont like it!

On the Angletron comes a rapid fire montage of some of Leon Rodez’s best moments, including scenes from his title win over PRL. Purple lights flood the entrance stage, stretching as far as the first few rows of the audience. Into this scene comes the robed figure of the OAOAST World champion. He spreads his arms in celebration of the moment, expecting to be received warmly by the capacity stadium crowd. Expectations are not met however as he’s summarily doused in shower of jeers and boos. This unnerves the Grand Rapids Golden Child, who’s normally beloved every where he goes. Now wearing an anxious look about him, he holds tight to his belt and heads to the ramp.

BUFFER
Now making his way to the ring…from Grand Rapids, Michigan.  He is a former OAOAST X Division Champion, a former OAOAST Tag Champion, a former 6 man champion, a three time 24/7 champion and the current OAOAST world champion, representing the In Crowd, he is The Grand Rapids Golden Child LEON ROOOOOODEZZZZZZZ!

“BOOOOOOO!” the disdaing audience makes the Golden Child feel like fool’s gold. Unable to comprehend how they could be so hostile towards him even if he’s wrestling one of their own, he tries to maintain his composure. He doesn’t do this all that well, struggling to even remove his robe. Much to the audience’s humor several ringside attendants have to help him. In the ring he decides not to push his poor luck any further and merely tries to remain as noticeable as possible by stretching out in the corner. Stretching unfortunately doesn't get very far and so he only waits for his foe, bouncing back and forth on his boots.

COACH
This boy looks he’s gonna do a job! Like the real world champ got sick so they went to a temp agency and got the 1st skinny dude with gelled spikey hair, hoping no one would notice. You about to be on the wrong end of shortest world title match in HeldDOWN history. 300 seconds for the 300th show.

COLE
Leon has every right to look the way he does. We all have figured the crowd would be pro Krista, but I doubt anyone expected them to be this anti Leon. Personally, I’m a little shocked myself. But either way Leon is a fantastic competitor and he’s going to focus his all on retaining his title.

Krista’s 1st effort to upstage her already anxious opponent could possibly be her grandest effort of all. Cal’s entire marching band pours out from the backstage area, flowing down the ramp and then washing up to surround Leon in the ring.  Despite only being encased by a marching band, Leon can’t help but assume a defense posture as though someone might attack with their tuba. I’ve seen it happen, for real!

The entrance stage his made a change from the boring Grey steel to the an excting multicolored tiled light display. On top of this display dance the very gorgeous  


LAKER GIRLS

But even the appearance of the Laker Girls pales in comparassion to the mammoth indescrible ovation that comes out from the stands when Krista Isadora Duncan makes her first appearance. She stands beside her FATHER, with her arm between his as though he were giving her away at her wedding. Her face is lit up with a smile as bright as the stars in the California sky, but she still manages to play it cool by only nodding to the hometown crowd that worships her so dearly. She’s dressed slightly more consertavily than usual because she’s with her father and DAMN IT YOUNG LADY I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE 37 YOU WILL NOT WEAR THAT OUT THIS HOUSE!!! While the Laker Girls continue their arresting dancing, Krista and her father head down the ramp.

BUFFER
Being escorted down the aisle by her father CONGRESSMAN JOEL DNCAN...she is Los Angeles born and raised...she is a New York Times best selling author, a reality TV star, the founder of the FIT with KID line of exercise videos, a member of the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, a loving mother, a four time tag team champion, a n12 time Angle Award winner, the 2009 Female Personality of The Year, the 2009 wrestler of the year, and that's just what she did this morning, Los Angeles, your very own KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAAAAAAN!

The crowd puts out a monstrous roar that could be heard all the way across both oceans. The ramp has also undergone a serious conversion, the frantic flashing of the lighted Walk Of Fame making it like something out of Saturday Night Fever. Congressman Duncan seems to want to shake the hands of his voting public, but his daughter merely flips her vibrant hair as the Laker Girls groove around them. Meanwhile Leon stands in disbelief, over the pageantry.

COLE
Leon might just be asking himself why he didn’t get this kind of treatment when he made his triumphant return to his hometown at the New Years Spectacular.

COACH
Leon should reply to himself, by asking himself, where’s his star on the walk fame? That’ll give you your answer right there, country boy!

Krista’s normal desire for showing off her billion dollar body would have her twisting her legs across the rope in a spicy routine. But with her dad here, she plays perfect daddy’s little girl, and lets him hold the ropes open for her to make a ladylike and G rated entrance. The Laker girls soon join her and together they move and groove to the audience’s gigantic and noisy delight, before they all drop to their knees and put on an enthusiastic pose.

“BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOOM!”

COACH
Leon Rodez, ya time is up, son.

The wealth of people that make up Krista’s entrance make their return towards the back, with the marching band playing themselves out the stadium. Krista gives her father a quick peck on the cheek, sending him on his way to suckup to more of the voting public. The Congressmen heads to front row to greet his granddaughters and Alix who loudly serenades him with Yankee Doodle on the jug.

COACH
Where is Krista's mother?

COLE
Krista said that she couldn't get away from her post as satan's hand maiden but sends her best wishes regardless. Oh, and she says to tell you that her mom said she, being Krista, is starting to show her age in the cheeks. But she means that with love.

[Chanel #99]

*DINGDINGDING!*

"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"
"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"
"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"
"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"

COLE
It is DEAFENING in here!

COACH
It is when you're SHOUTING into the MICROPHONE!

Even Krista seems surprised by the volume of noise in her support. Champion and challenger just stand looking around the crowd for a while, the noise getting louder in every section Krista gazes at, boos mixed in towards Leon.

COLE
Well we've said that Leon can't let this hostile atmosphere affect him. But on the same hand, Krista can't let the crowd put extra pressure on her shoulders.

COACH
What!? This is Krista we're talking about.

COLE
Yeah, I know, I know.

Perhaps in an effort to get the crowd back on his side, the World Champion offers to start the match with a handshake.

KRISTA
Timmy Cash, is that you!?

LEON
Are you going to shake it or what?

KRISTA
Oh dear oh dear, there's been a terrible mix-up. FYI, the name's Duncan, not Nerdly, so that little pick-up line of yours shall not be dignified with trembling of the knees and quivering of the lips, nor with a response. Except that rant. Cause you know, that's kinda what I do. Somebody says something to me and I elongate my reply as far as possible. It's a little game I've come up with in my time in the OAOAST. The first such occassion I implimented this game was in 2003, when duri...

LEON
Fine, forget it.

Retracting the hand, Leon starts to circle the ring. Not used to being ignored in mid-speil Krista looks almost hurt. Almost.

COLE
Thankfully we've got a microphone near the ring to pick up what's being said over this raucous crowd.

COACH
Good cover.

COLE
Thanks.

Finally the two square off and go to lock up. Krista avoids Leon's grasp and breaks into a jumping jacks routine!

KRISTA
ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! (sees Leon staring at her) AND SEVEN! AND EI... eh, you get the idea with that.

Not wanting to wear herself out early or alternatively waste all of her humbling abilities early Krista leaves the humbling there. They go to lock-up again and again Krista goes to evade underneath. Leon reads it and catches Krista in a rear waistlock. Leon takes Krista up off her feet, legs kicking as she avoids being taken to the canvas. She remains trapped in the hold though and stuck for an escape. So, back to the jumping jacks she goes! ONE! TWO! THREE! AND CAUGHT IN A FULL NELSON IN THE MIDDLE OF NUMBER FOUR! With her arms out of action, Miss California breaks into a can-can routine until Leon lets her go.

"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"

KRISTA
No no, really now, that's not neccessary. Yes, the action was there. I... just didn't feel the emotion. I can hardly bare to humiliate the poor guy, he's had to deal with so much humiliation through his own self styled lothario lifestyle it's almost like kicking a dead dog. Satisfying the first couple of times, after that a little excessive and shallow.

CHIODA
Who are you talking to?

KRISTA
Oh it doesn't matter, they can all hear me. It's like a Shakespeare play. Really these should be internal thoughts, but I take a step forward and suddenly everyone can hear what they shouldn't really be able to. I wonder if I left the gas on.

Leon just stands watching. Once Krista's stopped, he curtly asks her if she's done yet.

COLE
Leon's got to try and keep his focus, almost to ignore Krista's antics. Which is easier said than done.

Realising she's not broken through quite yet, Krista tries to annoy Leon a little more by taking a timeout to go to ringside. The challenger forgets all about her title challenge for the moment, going over to pose for a few cellphone pictures from the crowd. Krista meet and greets her way over to the crowd, where we find the not-so-extended Duncan family with front row seats! Calling her timeout again, she steps over the rail to converse with Maya, while Alix produces a SPIT BUCKET and throws a towel around her girlfriend's shoulders to cool her down.

KRISTA
What do you think honey, did the jumping jacks get across my lack of concern properly, or do I need to go up a stage?

MAYA
I thought the jumping jacks were okay. The can-can was a touch am-dram though.

KRISTA
Hmm. Good point. What do you think Alix.

ALIX
AH, YOU'RE A CONTENDER KRISTA! YOU GOTTA BACK IN THERE AND YOU GOTTA KNOCK HIM OUT! YOU CAN'T DO IT ROCKY! YOU AIN'T GOT WHAT IT TAKES NO MORE!

KRISTA
Hmm. Good point. Jade?

Jade hides away at the side in non-commital silence.

KRISTA
Hmm. Good point. What's the count at Maya?

MAYA
Uhm... eight.

KRISTA
And I've been out here, by my count, at least fifteen, so it looks like the referee's on my side. That's good to know. Okay, bye-byes all!

Krista climbs back to ringside and re-enters the ring. Leant back in a corner Leon tries not to get sucked into the challenger's unorthodox gameplan and keeps his head. Clearly he's eager to wrestle though and tries to hurry things up now Krista is back in the ring, marching towards her. Krista stays on her toes, backing away before a sudden change of speed and direction guides her past the World Champion. Rodez turns and drops to the mat, forcing KID up and over. As Krista comes back off the ropes again Leon throws his hands up in front of him, which miraculously causes Krista to put on the brakes.

LEON
Oh my God, look up there!

Disobedient to the end, Krista doesn't look up and just stands with hands on hips disapprovingly.

KRISTA
Oh honey, you're going to have to do better than that. I'm far to nonchalant to look at anything without a valid reason. That's what makes me such an icon of cool.

LEON
Okay then... oh my God, look up there, it's a... uh... a ravenous falcon tearing apart Gary Coleman limb from limb in the rafters having plucked him from the stands?

KRISTA
No sale.

LEON
No, but seriously though, you really should look up there.

KRISTA
Two weeks ago, one of my kitchens caught fire in a meth lab experiment gone wrong. I only know this because when the paramedics rushed in ten minutes later to treat Alix for severe burns, they managed to talk over Kate Winslet's SAG speech and disrupt me. If ferocious explosions and pained screams aren't going to make me turn my head, what makes you think you pointing will? Hmm? Hmm?

LEON
Fine, to prove I'm serious, I'll look.

Leon looks up, making his point. Krista interest isn't peaked at all and instead, she kicks Leon in the gu... NO! Leon catches the boot, tripping Krista up and setting her for the LIONTAMER!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
Haha! More than one way to skin a cat!

COLE
Leon playing Krista at her own game and could have her in trouble now!

Able to prevent from being turned Krista crawls her way backwards to find the ropes. Leon quickly lets her go and backs away. Sliding out onto the apron, Krista tries to figure out how she was fooled.

COLE
It's a game of mental chess thus far, a game which neither of these charismatic and creative superstars are winning just yet. Who will get the upperhand and who will leave Los Angeles as the World Champion? We'll find out when we come back!


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


And when we come back, it's Leon in control with Krista grounded in a standing leg-lock. Krista attempts to distract the wandering eyes of The New Age Love Machine with a cupping of her breasts, but one twist on the knee causes Krista to clutch her head in pain instead.

COLE
Welcome back to this episodic 300th episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN~! Our main-event in progress, Krista Isadora Duncan in her first ever World Championship challenge right here in her hometown of Los Angeles, but struggling to get the edge on Leon Rodez so far.

COACH
It's just a matter of time though. That's Krista's style. She wears your brain down until it's mush, then slaps you 'till that mush starts spilling out through your ear or your nose or something. Then she pins you. It's a pretty good strategy.

As Krista reaches back looking for the ropes, Leon adjusts his position. Placing Krista's right leg between his, he drops to his knees. The contortion leaves Krista in further pain and a few damaged ligaments closer to a big pay-off from Lloyds Of London. Retreating into a corner Krista tries to ward Leon off, who is backed off by the referee as he approaches. Happy to let her up, Leon picks Krista's leg once upright and brings her hopping out of the corner. He drives an elbow into the kneecap. Turning in, Leon then elevates Krista onto his back and attempts the backpack stunner, but the challenger surprises him with a sleeper hold!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Uh-oh! Leon got caught there!

With her million-dollar pins wrapped around Leon's waist, all of Krista's body weight is forced forward with the sleeper and Leon looks to be fading quickly. Retreating, he manages to run Krista back into the turnbuckles and get a quick break. But with Leon still spluttering to get his breath, Krista comes off the middle rope with a victory roll...


1...



2...



No!

Both are quickly back up, with Krista aiming for Leon's head with a spinning kick. Leon goes underneath and with the ropes right in front of him, he's able to catch Krista with a chopblock before she can turn back around!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Momentarily distracted by the crowd, Leon re-applies the leglock, this time falling to the mat with a cross kneebar.

COLE
A shrewd offensive gameplan from the World Champion, attacking those million dollar legs of Krista. And he's been able to defend against Krista's off-putting style so far as well.

COACH
Why attack the legs though? If you hurt Krista's legs, she gets a cool ten million. Smack her in the head real hard, then she won't be able to use her legs properly, but medically they'll be fine so she doesn't cash in. That's doing real damage.

As the Duncan family watch on amongst the rest of Krista's LA fanbase she refuses to quit, wagging a finger. After a few seconds she manages to manoeuver over, grabbing the bottom rope and forcing a break. Leon picks her back up and again takes out a leg from underneath her. Krista counters though, using the strength in those valuable assets to backflip and land on her feet! She then rolls forward underneath a clothesline, popping up and springboarding off the middle rope with a crossbody block!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

1...



2...



No!

Sent rolling towards the ropes Krista lures Rodez into charging and backdrops him over the top, to the apron. Her follow-up slap is ducked though, Leon weaving through the ropes and delivering a shoulder to the midsection. Leon quickly ducks through the middle rope again, before sliding himself back in under the bottom, dropkicking Krista's leg out as he does so, causing Miss California to fall throat-first across the middle rope!

COLE
Look out here.

To derisive boos Leon attempts the jig, before realising which way the winds of popular opinion are blowing. And it's not in his direction. So he hits the ropes without much fuss, charging back...



...and getting caught with a hurricanrana by Krista, sending him spilling out through the ropes and to the floor!

COLE
Krista had the answer for the Bojangles, what's she got in mind now?

COACH
I dunno. Shoes?

Krista pops back to her feet, spotting Leon leant up against the guardrail being cajowled by the Los Angeles natives in the front row. As they slap at his back and yell in his ears the fitness queen performs a few limber stretches to loosen up her knees. It doesn't hurt that those stretches give the other side of the crowd some swank ass shots. Once loosened up, Krista takes off into the ropes. Approaching the ring ropes the GLAADiator takes flight, flinging herself up over the top with a FRONTFLIP PLANCHA, completely bowling over the World's Champion!!

"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"

Krista calls for, and gets, a cold beverage from a nearby fan. Better judgement forces her to hand it back and call over one of the vendors for a clean one, while Leon lays hurt on the ringside mats.

COLE
For all of Leon's attempts to slow Krista down and maybe imobilise a leg, the hometown heroine is still as nimble and agile as ever!

COACH
And still as alcohol dependant as ever.

COLE
A dangerous combination!

Having supped her precious booze, Krista helps Rodez back to his feet and brushes him across the face with some slaps in an effort to bring him back to his senses. Once Leon's eyes open up fully, she blows him a kiss. A nice gesture, followed by a not so nice roundhouse kick to the head, the kiss perhaps a kiss goodbye! Falling against the apron the World Champion is bundled back inside by Krista, who jumps to the apron herself and shakes her booty to amuse herself while waiting. As Leon gets to his feet, she springboards to the top. And Leon can only look up in horror, watching Krista tumble towards him with another frontflip attack! Krista lands right on top of Rodez's chest, reaching back and hooking a leg...


1...



2...



NO!

Leon staggers back into a corner looking for a breather. A breather not forthcoming, as Krista dropkicks him against the turnbuckles.

KRISTA
DO YOU WANT ME TO STOMP ON HIS TESTICLES!?!

CROWD
YYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!

KRISTA
...wow, you guys are harsh. That's kinda unnerving really, considering I have to live amongst you. Yikes.

Forgoing the ball stomping Krista instead whips Rodez across the ring, from corner to corner. Krista builds herself up, slapping the turnbuckle to get the crowd clapping, stomping her feet to... keep the crowd clapping. She slaps herself in the face, psyching herself up, before realising that kinda hurts and wondering why some people would do that. Seriously, try it. It's not fun. Then she lets out a ROAR, an INTENSE ROAR, before charging...


...slowing down to a stop and slapping Leon across the face in the corner.

COLE
There's that nonchalance again.

COACH
I asked Krista if she was nonchalant the other day and she just shrugged her shoulders. You think she was being ironic?

COLE
For me to believe that annecdote, I'd first have to believe that you'd be able to get within ten feet of Krista to engage in conversation without her slapping or demeaning you in some way. Then I'd have to believe that given the chance to reply to something you said, instead of launching into an eight minute diatribe on your ass she'd just shrug her shoulders. So, yeah, you're just as full of crap as those comedians who start off their annecdotes with 'a funny thing happened to me today'. No it didn't.

COACH
Sometimes you just gotta vent, huh?

Krista contemplates the testicle stomp again, her foot hovering inches over the target. But the referee's protests are enough to convince her not to bother. She picks Leon back up again, looking for another irish whip. This time Leon counters though, pulling Krista in and delivering a sudden Exploder Suplex!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
There's a great counter by Leon!

Cover by Leon...


1...




2...



NO!

Pulling Krista to her feet Leon hooks her up, ready for a regular suplex. As he reaches down to grab the leg Krista's long tested female reactions cause her to instinctively swat the hand away. He tries again, but again is denied access. Leon gives up there, instead twisting Krista around so that she's facing away from him and elveating her for a back suplex instead. But Krista floats over, landing on her feet. Momentum sends her backpedalling into a corner and Leon charges in, but a raised knee blocks him off and allows Krista to run the ropes.

COLE
The pace quickens again.

In an attempt to cut Krista off at the pass Rodez tumbles forward, swinging high with the Shack Attack... but Krista ducks underneath, swinging herself around the back and into a rear waistlock. Leon's attempts to elbow her away are both avoided, before KID drops to a knee and clamps on the BALL CLAW!

"YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

LEON


COLE
The Blue Ball Special!

Leon's bulging eyes almost end up popping into the front row once Krista adds a SECOND hand into the mix. Her once proud children cover their eyes shamefully, as the referee begins to lay on a count. Before she can be disqualified, Krista lets go. But she does it in the most gruesome way possible... or, one of them, anyway... by using her tight, uncomfortable grip TO THROW LEON BACKWARDS AND OVERHEAD WITH A SUPLEX!!!

COLE
BALL PLEX! THE BALL PLEX! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY!!

COACH
NOT COOL!

The LA crowd are on their feet expecting that to be all, as Krista slinks herself on top...


1...




2...




NO!! Leon pulls his hands from his private parts in time to force the shoulders off the mat!

"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"

COLE
It looks like Krista's unique style has finally caught up with the World Heavyweight Champion! We are on the verge of crowning a new Champion, a second female World Champion in OAOAST history, this crowd can sense it and so can we, unless Leon can recover and fast!

Left nursing various body parts Rodez lays hurt on the canvas. Krista is up and calling for the end as she waits for Leon to get back up. With the crowd solidly behind her, Krista measures Leon to his feet and goes for the KIDolo... NO! Leon shoves Krista away as she attempts to go for the kill. Despite the injuries he's able to duck a clothesline, getting Krista up for the back suplex this time and converting into a blue thunder powerbomb!

COLE
IT'S DA BOOM! There's the recovery!


1...




2...




NO!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

As Krista kicks out Leon cringes, but forces himself to his feet.

COLE
Back and forth this match goes, much like their meeting last year, where Krista eventually came up on the winning end on her way to capturing the Money In The Bank prize. And Leon must be wondering now, like so many others have in the past, if he can beat Krista. So far, none of those others have been able to in one on one competition!

With his earlier gameplan the only one to bring him success so far, he goes back after the leg. As he bends down to pick a leg though, Krista vaults the other leg over and uses the World Champion like a pommel horse, escaping his clutches. Confused, Leon then walks right into a spinning wheel kick!

COACH
How the hell did she do... whatever she just did!?

Jumping over the fallen World Champion, the booty goes back into furious motion, Krista loading up the booty shaking moonsault. The booty shaking part is there, you'd better believe it. But the moonsault is jeopardised by raised knees...



...but Krista lands, blocking herself from landing on those knees! Sweeping them away, she then jumps up again AND DOUBLE STOMPS LEON IN THE FACE!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
More outstanding agility from Krista, she could have it right here!

COACH
Outstanding agility and extreme cruelness, she stomped his face!

Not finished yet, Krista drags Rodez across the ring towards a corner and scales to the top. After a quick pause for some more ass-shots, she takes off with a picture perfect MOONSAULT from the top rope!


1...




2...




KICKOUT!

COLE
But Leon is hanging on! This match so much about Krista's story, Krista's journey, but Leon Rodez isn't interested in being on the other-side of the fairytale. He wants to stay the World Champion!

"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"
"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"
"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"
"LET'S GO KRIS - TA!"

Krista does go, back to the top. She's forced to pause though as Leon is able to drag himself back up, cutting her off in mid-perch. Climbing to the middle rope he looks to attack, but Krista fights him off with some open handed chops to the chest. She eventually manages to shove Leon back off the ropes, but he lands on his feet and scales right back up, determined not to be denied. Beginning to elevate Krista up onto his shoulders, Rodez is caught with an elbow though. And another. He drops back off the ropes and that allows Krista to get her footing on the top rope.

KRISTA
YO DAWG I HEARD YOU LIKED NERDLYS SO I HOOKED YOUR CAR UP WITH A NERDLY SO WHEN YOU DRIVIN' YOU GOT YOSELF A NERDLY TO LOOK AT DAWG! I ALSO PAINTED IT PURPLE SINCE YOU LIKE PURPLE SO MUCH!

Having PIMPed her insult, Krista looks to come off the top with a double stomp...



...but Leon moves out of the way! Krista lands on her feet, causing her knee to buckle slightly, all the opening Leon needs to trip out the legs and go for the LIONTAMER!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

COLE
Leon going for the submission, this would be TRULY historic on this 300th episodic episode of HeldDOWN~!

COACH
If Krista loses by submission in her hometown, we might never see her face again! She'd become a recluse, too ashamed to face the public ever again! GO LEON!

Fighting the hold, Krista struggles to prevent herself from being turned over. She thankful more than ever for all those stomach crunches and sit-ups she's done, her strong abdominal muscles coming in very useful to fight Leon off.

"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"

Struggling against both the power of Krista's legs and the groundswell of support from the crowd, Leon can't get the challenger turned over. And eventually she's able to fight her way to the bottom rope, a drained Rodez slumping over the top despairingly.

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
No joy for the World Champion!

COACH
Right now's where you gotta smell the coffee. Wake up to what's around you. Thousands of screaming fans, the TV audience watching on and an unbeatable woman across the ring. Roll on out, take a countout, or grab a chair and waffle her. That's the only way you're leaving as World Champion tonight Leon.

COLE
I'm sure there's many people who are thinking the same thing. But Leon is out to prove them all wrong, to prove himself as a worthy World Champion. And beating Krista is going to do that, in the ring, not via technicality.

Leon wearily picks Krista back up, kicking her in the knee a couple of times. Miss California is backed against the ropes, the rest of her Californian underlings trying to give her some much needed support. They can't prevent her from being irish whipped though, then caught off the ropes with a Powerslam! Following up, Rodez drives his body weight down with a back senton! And then covers...


1...




2...




NO!

Getting desperate, Leon drags Krista up again. Realising he's not going to win while holding anything back he dishes out a forearm smash to the jaw. A second forearm connects. With a quick spin, he then slams a Rolling Sole Butt into the well-toned abs of The GLAADiator!

COLE
It's one thing asking if Leon has anything to finish Krista off, because we don't know what, if anything, there is that anyone could do to accomplish that! Leon has to find something though.

After a deep breath, Leon loads up and comes off the ropes looking for the Shack Attack. He tucks and rolls, but MISSES the clothesline, getting caught in position for the side effect... but he manages to throw Krista aside before suffering that move. A boot to the gut doubles Krista back up again, this time getting her arms double underhooked. Leon then elevates Krista up looking for the Tiger Driver...



...NO! Krista counters with a hurricanrana, bringing the crowd to their feet!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

Leon rolls back to his feet and walks right into the head hook and the side effect, better known as Blonds Never Pay A Cover!!

COLE
SHE GOT IT!


1...




2...




KICKOUT!!

COLE
Only a two count! Hardly a moment to catch your breath at this point!

COACH
Krista can't even find chance to slow down and do something bizarre, that's how crazy this is!

Grabbing Leon by the arm Krista attempts to fling him into a corner, but the fling is reversed and it's KID sent towards the turnbuckles. However, she avoids contact by stepping up onto the middle rope.

COLE
Look at that!

Once Leon realises what's going on, he charges...




*SMACK!*


"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"


...RIGHT INTO A FLYING SUPERKICK OFF THE MIDDLE ROPE, CATCHING HIM CLEAN IN THE JAW!!!!

COLE
LOOK AT THAT!

Krista dives on top, hooking the legs...


1...





2...





3!!


- NO!!!! TWO COUNT ONLY!!!

"OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

COLE
Oh my how close was that!? Some of the fans jumped the gun, people celebrating prematurely, but that right shoulder came up just in time and Krista has not won this match just yet LA!

Deep breaths all around, from the fans and from the participants, all trying to get their breath back. Including the Duncan family in the front row.

"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"

To her feet, Krista flicks the hair from her face and doubles over trying to catch her breath. Even fitness queens get winded sometimes! Thing is, they recover quickly too. Krista hits the ropes as Leon gets back up, swinging with a clothesline. Leon manages to duck underneath though, then scores with a dropkick to the knee, the same knee he's intermitently focused on during the match! That timely move draws sighs and then boos from the crowd, unhappy to see their queen in trouble. Also winded, Leon is slow to follow up, walking over to Krista who's on one knee. He grabs her by the hair, looking to pull her up. But she grabs him by the BALLS, looking to pull something else!

COLE
Oh, the Blue Ball again!

COACH
This woman is a menace! If I went around doing that to people, I'd be locked up by now! Some hot white lesbian woman does it and suddenly it's a 'signature move'. That's American justice for ya'll.

Having felt the eye-watering effects of this move once before, Leon doesn't hang around waiting for Krista to let go. He reaches down and shoves her away...



...unfortunately, right into a CLUNKing of the head with referee Mike Chioda, who was behind Krista pleading with her to break the hold!!

COLE
Uh-oh!

COACH
Not this shit again!

Thinking the exact same thing, Leon is distracted by the referee going down and goes to check that he's okay. Aside from a sore eye he seems to be and Leon goes back to the match...





...AND WALKS RIGHT INTO KRISTA LEAPING AND HITTING KIDOLOGY...






...NO!!!! LEON BLOCKS AND COUNTERS INTO THE LIONTAMER!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

COLE
UNBELIEVABLE! Leon has turned the tables, Krista is trapped!

COACH
Set the TiVo! History! History!

Finally able to turn Krista over this time Leon places the knee in the back completing the hold. To the complete despair of the crowd, Mike Chioda is able to shake off the effects of the head to head collision, enough to drop beside Krista and check for the submission!

"PLEASE DON'T TAP!"
"PLEASE DON'T TAP!"
"PLEASE DON'T TAP!"
"PLEASE DON'T TAP!"

COLE
This crowd is trying to will Krista to stay in this match, those World Title dreams are slipping away, oh, so agonisingly!

Krista tries with all her might to crawl, face etched in pain. None of the Duncan girls in the crowd can look as the rest try to will their hometown heroine on. Leon is struggling now, trying to force the submission, pulling back on the legs in a last ditch attempt. Locking eyes with her family in the crowd, Krista looks despairingly, realising all of their faith and hope is doing her no good at all...



...her arm hovers in the air, causing screams of 'NOOO' to go up all around the arena! But they're not in the hold and they don't know the pain Krista's feeling, as she makes one last effort, shaking her head...






...before her hands comes down, GRASPING THE BOTTOM ROPE TO THE DESPAIR OF THE WORLD CHAMPION!!!!!!

"YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

COLE
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"

The atmosphere erupts to another level as Leon sadly lets go of the hold and falls to a knee. Krista is still in pain but at least free of the hold, giving renewing hope to the crowd.

COLE
What does it take... what does it take to beat Krista Isadora Duncan!? This woman just does not give up!

"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"
"KRIS - TA!"

Hauling himself to his feet, Leon drags Krista back up, slowly and painfully. The Los Angeles fans are rampant in their support again as Krista slumps back against the ropes. A weak forearm rocks her. And a second. Leon then attempts an irish whip, but it's reversed. Leon manages to hang onto the ropes on the far side though, putting on the brakes.

COLE
What a main-event to mark this historic 300th episode!

COACH
Episodic!

With Leon against the ropes, Krista finds the strength to charge in. A dip of the shoulder sees her elevated up and over the top. But she lands safely on her feet on the apron! Grabbing the top rope, Krista then slings herself back in, catching hold of Leon on the way over AND BRINGING HIM DOWN ACROSS THE KNEES FACE-FIRST!!!!!

"YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

COLE
KIDOLOGY!!! KIDOLOGY!!!!

Leon's head snaps back and after a couple of agonising seconds, Krista falls on top...



1...







2...








NO!! THE REFEREE GETS PULLED OUT OF THE RING!!!!!!

COLE
WHAT!?

Maybe unsurprisingly, it's MISTER DICK who's interjecting himself and he shoves Chioda in the chest to knock him on his butt. Mister Dick then quickly jumps into the ring, popping Krista with a right jab, just to confirm the deed and give Mike Chioda no choice but to call for the least popular disqualification in wrestling history!


*DINGDINGDING!*

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

COLE
NO!! SON OF A BITCH, NO!!

Mr. Dick can afford to smile as he puts the boots to Krista, amidst a CAULDRON of noise from the Los Angeles crowd! It doesn't take long for the trash to start flying into the ring, all aimed at The Human Hard On, as he wails away on Krista.

"FUCK YOU DICK!"
"FUCK YOU DICK!"
"FUCK YOU DICK!"
"FUCK YOU DICK!"

The boots keep on raining in and so does the trash. Mr. Dick catches one food wrapper lobbed at him, using it to wipe into Krista's face for further humiliation!

COLE
I can't believe this! I can't believe this rotten, no good, son of a... this DICK! This Dick has just cost Krista Isadora Duncan the World Heavyweight Title in her hometown!

COACH
Well you know what they say, paybacks are a Dick!

Disbelief starts to set in amongst the anger as Mr. Dick drags Krista around the ring, stopping to yell at the raging crowd. But suddenly a cheer goes up, as THA PUERTO RICAN skids into the ring and jumps Mister Dick from behind!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
IT'S PRL! AND HE WANTS A PIECE OF THE DICK!

COACH
....

COLE
Metaphorically.

Tha Puerto Rican lays into Mr. Dick with a flurry of punches, backing him up into a corner and continuing to go to town! Legs flailing, Mr. Dick falls against the turnbuckles, PRL not stopping his attack and stomping a mudhole in the Texan's chest and walking it dry! Able to pick himself up, Mr. Dick manages to shove PRL away a step and tries to get away, but is pulled back by the short shorts and rocked with a SPIT PUNCH! He then staggers around to Krista, who is up and delivers a PUNT TO THE BALLS!!!

COACH
Not there!

Mr. Dick's pride and joy is smashed, leaving him open for a double clothesline from PRL and Krista. Taking a spill, Mr. Dick dives over Leon, who is still laying KOed beside the ropes, heading for the hills. PRL climbs the turnbuckles and dares him to come back, but The Human Hard On has clearly accomplished what he set out to and manages a smile as he looks back at Krista fuming at him.

COLE
A small piece of revenge, but not nearly enough for Krista or PRL! Mister Dick has conspired to ruin the dream homecoming for Krista and to ruin this 300th episode of HeldDOWN~!

As Mr. Dick is hounded on his way down the aisle, Tha Puerto Rican plays to the crowd, fired up still having not gotten all he wanted tonight. Krista manages not to seem too disappointed, more incredibly pissed off. She still accepts a handshake from PRL though, the former World Champion raising the hand of the would-be World Champion to the adoring cheers of her hometown fans.

COLE
Unsatisfying though the ending may be for Krista legions of fans, we hope that you have enjoyed this 300th episode of HeldDOWN~! and we thank you for supporting us in the 299 previous! Here's to another 300, here in the OAOAST. We will be in St. Louis next week for 301! We hope you'll join us there. Goodnight everybody!

As Krista accepts the adulation of her fans, HeldDOWN~! FADES OUT for a 300th time.

GOOD NIGHT SWEET, SWEET, WORLD