OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 1/22/09

[Chanel #99]

FADE UP on:

An opulent dressing room.   Expensive curtains and carpets do their best to cover up that underneath its just a stadium locker room, but they do a rather posh job of it.

At a BIG OAK DESK sits JAMES CONE in a suit and tie.  He even has a little name plate on the front.

“JAMES CONE: PHOENIX BRAND WRESTLERS PRESIDENT”

He looks up at the camera.

CONE:  Greetings, gentle viewers.  Tonight, I launch my new brand.  You “smarks” might call it a “stable” or some such.  What it is, is an attempt to give some new blood a proper guiding hand in this glorious and painful industry.  You see, that’s what is at the heart with my disagreement with fellow –

he makes air quotes with his fingers

CONE:  - “Superstar”, Hule Bartowski.  He comes out with all this flash and celebration as if he’s achieved something.  And who is he really?  An untested meatball who ripped up his shoulder, stupidly, in his debut match.  Tsk, tsk!

Well tonight, I’m going to introduce you to my first pupil.  You won’t see him.  I’m only going to give you his name.  He will earn his television time by what he does in the ring.  But because he is mine, and as such is of a particular caliber, I’m giving him an enormous opportunity.  I’m going to test my star pupil against your so called “hero”, Mr. Bartowski.  

At Anglepalooza, Phoenix Brand, in partnership with the OAOAST, will present the first of Hule Bartowski’s Tri-Bulation Series of matches.

It will be:  Hule “The Name” Bartowski versus my protégé, “Die Hard” Rick Danger in a match made famous by me:  Barbed Wire Spools From Hell.

Phoenix begins to laugh, almost Ted Dibiase style

CONE:  Break a leg, Hule.

BACKSTAGE:  Hule, dressed in a jersey and jeans with his arm in a sling watches intently.  He nods.  Shit’s on.

PRESENTED IN HD

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLTCXZbCNFU



COLE
Folks we are just days away from Anglepalooza where we will find out who will be moving on to face the OAOAST world champion at Anglemania in Indianapolis! Will it be the Meterosexual Monster? The hometown hero Alfdogg? Former world champion Landon Maddix? The evil James Cone? Or possibly a youngster like Spencer Reiger or Tyler Bryant? We’ll find out at Anglepalooza! But tonight we start with the number one contender in Anderson Cup action!

A wildly spinning wealth of warm coloured spot lights come across the stage, accompanied by the Ginger Spice’s bouncing rendition of Its Raining Men. The fans clap their hands rhymitcally bounce their bodies in joyful welcome of Los Diablos.  The always energetic tag team feeds off the fans spirts with an even more raunchy and lewd body grind than usual. They finish off with a twirl and a wave to their fans before heading down the ramp.

BUFFER
The following is a first round Anderson Cup match in the Los Infernale conference At a total combined weight of three hundred and fourty pounds... they are the number seven seeds in the Los Infernales Conference. From sunny Cabo San Lucas... the sexiest team in AAAAALL of Mehico! MORACCA and MARIACHI... LLLOOOOSSS DDIIIIIIAAAAAAAABBLLLLLLOOOOOOOSSSSS DDEEEEEEEEE FFFFFUUUUUEEEEEEEGGOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The duo make sure no heterosexual man will ever purchase tickets rampside as they vigorously hump and pump their crotches at every semi decent looking man they pass. Inside the ring, they get the audience going, clapping and dancing with full delight inside the red and pink spotlights.

COACH
Its good to see those who aid and abet terrorist plots can have so much fun.

COLE
We don’t know kind of involvement Mariachi had in the plot to kill Mister Moneymaker. Or even if that was the intent in the first place.

COACH
I know a limo exploded AND here’s the real crime, an Angle Award was stolen. You can steal a lot of things in this world. Money, government secrets, virginity. But you don’t still Angle Awards! You don’t!

When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside
I’ll leave you wetter than a flood tide
I gotta bend you over that’s how I like to ride!
I date a girl who whips my hide
And my 12 inches is my greatest pride
I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!

Sizzling sparks of golden pyro cascade onto the steel stage, obscuring the view of Mister Dick’s near x-rated Angletron. As Womanizer replaces MD’s ode to his greatness, the Angle Award winning couple of the year strides through the pyro. They perpetually horny couple psyches themselves up and turn themselves on by grabbing generous handful’s of each other’s ass, and plunging their tongues deep into each other’s eager and loving mouth.

BUFFER
And the opponents, they are the number two seeds from the Los Infernales conference, and the Angle Award winning couple of the year representing the Deadly Alliance! First from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada…she is the deadliest combination of beauty and beatdowns and a former Women’s Champion…MALAYSIA! And her partner, he is a former OAOAST tag team champion, and the number one contender to the OAOAST world title. Ladies and gentlemen he is THE HUMAN HARD ON MISTER DIIIIIIICK!

COLE
Los Diablos are fun loving characters and great young superstars, but they’ll have to work a mistake free match to beat a team as Deadly, pun intended, as this one. But if Malaysia and Mister Dick are looking ahead to their matches this Sunday at Anglepalooza there’s a chance for an upset.

COACH
There you go talking DAT BULLSHIT! Mister Dick is the number one contender to the world title, and the hottest thing going. Malaysia has ran Krista ragged like NO MAN has ever done. Now, you gonna tell me they might take a loss to these guys? Son, you sippin and you ain’t got much farther to go till you hit bottom.
On the ring apron Mister Dick and Malaysia manage to make their foes grinding routine appear as innocent and clean as a 30’s foxtrot. The Human Hard On lies chest first across the ring rope, straddling it with his monstrous member. Malaysia drapes her legs between the ropes, and with furious passion pumps her crotch against Mister Dick’s bucking ass. While Los Diablos shudder in revulsion the Angle Award winning couple throws orgasmic cries and wild grunts into the air.

COLE
The winner of this match advances through the tournament to face off against very powerful foes in The Beverly Hills Blonds! So far we have The Christ Air Express against The Enterprise, and Team Heyross against Faqu and Blonde set for the second round.

DING DING DING

Immediately after the bell, Mariachi extends his hand to Mister Dick in friendship. MD is wise to the shady shenanigans of homosexual luchadores and produces a latex glove from his tiny tights in protection. He slips them on his hand and then gives Mariachi a condescending handshake.

COACH
Great sportsmanship from The Human Hard On. You ain’t ever see Leon Rodez show respect like that.

Mariachi responds to the insult with a firm slap across the face! The crowd reacts with loud cheers, celebrating the gutsy display of the luchadore. MD, however, is incensed and smashes his knee into Mariachi’s gut. He then grabs onto his arm and attempts to throw him to the ropes. But the Mexican reverses the hold and throws MD to the mat with a hip toss. MD clutches his sore back and curses Mariachi. His problems with the gay sensation increase when Mari spreads apart his legs and looks on with hungering lust.

COLE
Go for it, boyfriend!

Mariachi looks to the audience for approval. Not wanting to be labeled homophobic in these progressive times, the fans loudly urge him on. Mari smiles at their assent and then drops his head down onto MD’s King Dong! That would be horrible enough for MD, but Mariachi continues crossing the line by biting down onto his kibbles n bits!

“YEAAAAAA!”

COACH
Yo, first this man aids in a terrorist plot against Theodore Moneymaker, and now he’s committing rape and cannablism!

Mariachi gnaws and chews on his delicious piece of Texas sirloin, giving a hearty thumbs up to his clapping partner. Not quite as pleased is Malaysia, who barks referee Earl Hebnber. While Hebner can’t do much to cease the assault, Mister Dick can; he hammers is spurred boots into Mari’s head. Though the luchadore initially refuses to give up his tasty snack, the wave of kicks eventually push him away.

“You done did it now!” Mister Dick screams in an all too shrill voice. He kips up and tags Mariachi with a pair of jabs to the jaw. Weakening his foe, Mister Dick is able to guide him to the corner and slam him face first into the post.

“You wanna suck on something, you suck on this, boy!” He bellows and then throws a big boot into the luchadore’s face. Mariachi’s head snaps back, and he then comes stumbling out the corner. His dizzied path carries him straight towards a Stiff Kick from The Human Hard On! But, Mariachi rolls beneath the signature strike and comes up behind his foe. He gives a thumbs up to the fans, before shoving that thumb up Mister Dick’s ass!

“AHHHHHHH!” Mister Dick feels the humiliating and agonizing pain of anal insertion.

COACH
I wouldn’t be surprised if our “great” world champion had to stoop so low to try and retain that belt. A belt which he never should’ve got in the 1st place. He didn’t win any Angle Awards! Mister Dick won angle awards and he splooged on Baron Windells.

COLE
Those are two of my personal life goals.

Earl Hebner hasn’t much choice but to interject himself before Mariachi’s whole hand finds its way into Mister Dick.  Rather than thank the referee for rescuing him from rape, Mister Dick uses him to his advantage by shoving him into Mariachi. The homie is knocked off balance and this gives Mister Dick and opportunity to him down with a discus lariat! The Portland audience recoils in revulsion as they watch the fun loving luchadore fall as though he’d just been shot.

“PENCIL DICK! PENCIL DICK! PENCIL DICK!” they chant at the hip swiveling Mister Dick.

COACH
I see these people just watched one of Leon’s movies.

Tired of having his prized possession be talked about in such unflattering terms, Mister Dick tags Malaysia by smacking her on her tush. Entering the ring Malaysia is caught into an arm wringer by Mariachi. The luchadore twist and torques her arm before leaping onto the second rope and back flipping off. This impressive display does little to aid him against Malaysia, as when he comes down the dominatrix simply plows through him with a lariat.

COLE
Krista has a tough test this Sunday against this woman. It comes days before her first ever world title shot on our 300th episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

Malaysia grabs Mariachi by the back of his mask and leads him off the canvas. He staggers in place as the deadly goddess slams her muscled forearm into his chest. Before he can topple over in agony, she grabs onto his arm and irish whips him to a neutral corner.  Mariachi’s back slams into the ring posts and he emits a pained gasp. Fast approaching him is Malaysia with arm raised for a lariat. But he lifts his boot up and staves off her attack.  Malaysia is sent stumbling away with her hands going up to shield her sore face. Her weakened state grants Mariachi the chance to rush down the ring and tag in Moracca.

COACH
The OAOAST is shady as hell, son. These two aided a terrorist plot and they get to keep their spot in the Anderson Cup. You think the FBI was letting Gitmo detainees take batting practice with the Oakland As?

Moracca makes his presence felt by body splashing Malaysia who had rested against the ring posts. As her dizzed and stunned steps carry her away from the corner he makes a quick ascension to the top rope. The fans buzz with anticipation, eager to see a high risk move. But all their treated to is the underhanded behavior of Mister Dick who swipes Moracca’s foot from under him. The flamboyant superstar is driven downwards, impaling himself crotch first on the ring posts.

“OOOOOH!”

Ignoring Hebner’s warnings, Mister Dick talks vulgar trash to his wounded foe.  While her man belittles their foe, Malaysia recomposes herself and then begins trekking up the ring ropes. Once she reaches her rival, she clamps down on the back of his head and drives his face into her nether regions! Mariachi is nearly brought to his knees from a heartattack, and Moracca makes instant bids to get himself out this troubling position. Malaysia shows no willingness to relent and continues to grind Moracca into her pleasure zone.

“Its like kryptonite to ya, ain’t it, Superfag! Probably gonna burn yer face off!” Mister Dick “Ahhhh the vagina, the vagina is melting me! A ti no te parieron, te cagaron!”

That cruel insult in his native tongue is last thing, Moracca hears before Malaysia drives his head into the canavs with a powerful DDT. The fans leap back, shocked by the devastating impact in which Malaysia delivered the hold. The Nerdly bully takes a second to chuckle over her handiwork before he lays her arm across Moracca’s chest for a casual pin….

ONE!

TWO!

Somehow Moracaa finds the strength needed to kick out. While this may please the fans, it doesn’t  sit well with Malaysia and she punishes her foe by forcing the heel of her boot down his throat.

“That’s the last thing you’re gonna be deep throating after I come in theere and kick yer ass right back down to Meh-he-co!” Mister Dick calls out.

Malaysia slowly brings her rival upright, admiring the damage she’s already caused him. She seeks to inflict more when she tightens her arms across his midsection in preparation for a gut buster. But, Moracca begins frantically squirming inside her arms, desperate to avoid the lethal hold. Though Malaysia tightens her grip, she can’t prevent Moracca from countering her hold into a surprise roll up.

ONE!

Malaysia pushes her way out of the fall long before the two count. Despite being in the pinning predicament, she rises earlier than her foe and gruffly orders him upright.  Once he adheres to her orders, Malaysia collars her arm around him in a front facelock. He tries to pull himself out her hold, but her grip is much to tight for his paltry strength. As such the Mexican is forced to go where he’s never gone before! A deep breath and prayer to the good lord flourish his resolve as his fingers head up towards her lady parts.

COACH
You got one minute left to live, dawg.

Malaysia doesn’t take Moracca’s attempted intrusion with much pleasure and punishes him for his treachery with another DDT. He lays on the canvas, massaging his sore head while Malaysia curses him for his invasive behavior.  As she continues to bombard him with insults, she peels his limp figure off the mats. He’s thrown into the ropes and bounces back into her muscular arms. Those powerful limbs fling him over head and have his body crash into the canvas with a belly to belly suplex!

COLE
Dominating performance thus far. But what if the tag team contests at Anglemania happens to be Mister Dick and Malaysia against ThunderKid and Reject?

COACH
As long as the belts stay in the Deadly Alliance and out the hands of Team Heyross its all good. Gotta keep the gold in the stable of the year!

Malaysia’s tongue tingles and pleasures Mister Dick’s ear, gripping him with ecstasy and tagging him into match at the same time.  Burning libido and all the number one contender enters the ring and bounces off the ropes. When he reaches his fallen foe, he leaps high into the sky and comes down with the point of his knee across Moracca’s forehead. While the fans boo his endless dominance, he hooks Moracca’s leg for a fall…

ONE!

TWO!

The luchadore kicks out, giving faint hope to a crowd that doesn’t wish see these heathens advance.

“VI-AG-RA! VI-AG-RA! VI-AG-RA!” the audience chants.

COACH
Count on the OAOAST Marks to keep it classy and clever at all time.  

Mister Dick lifts himself back up, and chewing on the inside of his cheek, he waits for the luchadore to do the same. Though his rise is slow, Moracca calls upon the strength to fire off a knife edge chop. That’s all he can land however, as MD grabs onto his arm and starts to throw him to the ropes. But Moracca shifts his bodyweight and succeeds in reversing the hold. As the former Texas A&M star goes gliding away, the luchadore lowers his head. Mister Dick returns to take Moracca’s leap frong bait, but as he lands behind him, he turns the tables by throwing his boot into his Mexican jumping beans!

“BOOOOOOOO!”

The Human Hard On dismisses the audience’s issues by making an oral sex motion to them. Thankfully for the OAOAST’s PR department, Mister Dick stops at that raunchy display and brings Malaysia back into the contest with a hard smack to her fine rear end. Still weak from MD’s brazen cheapshot, Moracca is easily slugged down by the powerful right hands of the deadly Nerdly. Mariachi becomes fearful over his partner’s safety, and ignores Hebner’s warnings to enter the ring. But he acts as nothing but a  meat shield for his lover as Malaysia wallops him with a standing lariat! Now Moracca determines he must save his partner from further beatings, and uses his last gasp of energy to pounce on Malaysia. His piddling blows do her no arm, and she lays him back out with a big boot! But just as Moracca goes down, Mariachi springs back up and assails Malaysia with crazed and furious forearms.

COACH
They’re like gnats. Ya swat one away and even more keep appearing.

Mister Dick hastily comes to Malaysia’s aid, beating Mariachi away with well timed right crosses. His deadly strikes do enough damage to the luchadore, that Mister Dick hasn’t any trouble in foisting him onto his shoulders. As the audience boos the forthcoming finisher, he throws his foe forward and onto his knees with the Cock Block!

COACH
If ever there was a dude who needed to get cock blocked its that one.

Malaysia places a boot on Mariachi’s barely moving chest, leading Mister Dick to order Hebner to count the fall…

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

*DINGDINGDING!*

The fans may be displeased but the Angle Award winning couple treats the victory like their wedding night foisting their tongues down the other’s throat and grabbing greedy handfuls off the other’s muscled hardbodied ass.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match and advancing to face the Beverly Hills Blonds, MISTER DICK AND MALAYSIAAAAAA!

COLE
That’s the type of performance you don’t see everyday. Thoroughly dominant by these two intimidating athletes. What kind of trouble could Krista and Leon Rodez be in this Sunday at Anglepalooza?

COACH
Big trouble! Big ASS trouble, son! Leon Rodez don’t want with the don of this wrestling game. He gonna get put back in his place, the midcard, by Mister Dick, and then The Human Hard On is gonna finish what Malaysia started by daughterin’ Krista on the 300th episode of HeldDOWN in her own hometown.


LATER TONIGHT
1ST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION
D*LUX Vs THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND
TONIGHT!

[Chanel #99]

We’re taken backstage with


SOPHIE

&


MOLLY NERDLY MANAGER OF THE YEAR

The two lovely ladies are in the female locker room where Molly is reading through several touristy brouchures.

MOLLY
The collected works of Jane Austen reading group or football season tickets for the New York Giants?

SOPHIE
What is the choice for?

MOLLY
My Uncle had the generosity to give your’s truly one thousand American dollars for her birthday.

SOPHIE
Molly, your birthday is not until November.

MOLLY
It is indeed. But the good man has 10 nices and nephews in the fortress of Nerdlytude alone, I’m just pleased as punch that he has the kind heart to remember my existence. I was also ever so lucky to earn a fantastic wage working as a PA for an MTV spot. I am rolling in dough as they say! But, I haven’t the slightest clue as how to spend it! I do believe it would be most prudent to go to where I can find the most guys. Perhaps I can take one as my sweetie!

SOPHIE
Then you should go to football, yes?

MOLLY
Sophie, do not be absurd! What man in full control of his mental faculties would ever attend a barbaric boorish game when he could delight himself with tales of love, betrayal, and redemption. No man, that’s who! I will sign up for the Jane Austen discussion group and not only shall I be rolling in dough, I will also be rolling in attractive, classy and well educated men. Males don't care for something such as football. It doesn't stimulate their powerful and sharp minds they way classic literature does. Do you not know anything about men? Football! I don't believe my ears.

Apparently tired of eavesdropping, Simon pops out of his hiding place in the corner to offer his take on the situation

SIMON
Hey, why don’t you invite Morgan out somewhere special?

MOLLY
Morgan! Perish the thought! I’d sooner sit through a marathon screening of Waterworld, and finish it off with selected clips from a National Lampoon movie. My younger sister, despises me, and though the feeling isn’t mutual, its best not to stoke her anger.

SIMON
You shouldn’t let her get mixed up with those Enterprise guys. You and I both know the kinds of things they’re gonna do to her. If she’s having emotional problems now, what’s going to happen when they really start manipulating her and screwing with her mind?

SOPHIE
I think he is right, Molly. You must protect your sister.

MOLLY
You may well have a decent points. But I’ve never been much for the older sister that gives advice. That’s more Melody’s department, and whatever advice she gives usually comes from an episode from the first season of Fresh Prince, and it usually fails miserably. Regardless, Morgan will suspect ulterior motives on my part due to our current tif with that group. I'd never get through to her.

SIMON
Let her suspect what she wants. You’re the older sister, you’ve got to do right by her. Don’t let her make the same mistakes we did.

MOLLY
Very well, I will consider it.

FADE OUT

[Chanel #99]

We find ourselves in the In Crowd locker room now, following World Champion Leon Rodez as he enters. Sighing Leon sits down on a bench and rubs at his temples. On the other side of the room, Bohemoth puts down the dumbell he was busy working his already impressive bicep with and stands up.

BOHEMOTH
Problem?

LEON
Huh? Oh... no, not really.

BOHEMOTH
Come on, something's obviously up.

LEON
How long have I been out of this room? Twenty minutes? Thirty? I swear, in the time it took me to find Maggie, get sassed by Maggie and come back I've had at least 12 people helpfully inform me that they're going to win the Rumble and are 'coming for me'. You know, Tyler's even talking about 'what if I win the Rumble, how cool would it be if we wrestled for the title at AngleMania'. I can't even hold a simple conversation without being called out.

Leon chuckles to himself.

LEON
The joys of being World Champion. That's not really what's bothering me though. Just a little stressed today. I've got Mister Dick to worry about at AnglePalooza, I've got Krista on the 300th show if I win that, nevermind the thirty guys in the Rumble hounding me. And what am I doing tonight? Breaking up a fight between my niece and her friend who's got a crush on me.

BOHEMOTH
Yeah. Listen, now that you mention Jade, I wanted to talk to you.

LEON
Can it wait? I've got to get ready for The Love Shack.

BOHEMOTH
Get ready? You take longer to get ready than the damn set does.

Chuckling again, Leon produces a pot of hair gel from his bag.

LEON
Guilty as charged. Okay, seeing as I've got a spare ten minutes while I'm getting ready, go ahead.

BOHEMOTH
...you know what, you've got a lot on your mind as it is, it can wait.

LEON
Okay then. We'll catch up later.

Leon takes up position in front of the mirror and Bohemoth decides to leave him to it.

The show fades in on Rico De Janerio sitting in a restaurant that overlooks a busy Brazillian street. He wears a green and yellow print Hawaiian shirt, pink umbro shorts and a red visor. No he’s not colorblind. Yes, I’m sure he’s not colorblind. LEAVE ME ALONE!!

RICO
I gave Lucius Soula gift better than the Santa Clause, the easter the bunny, or the toothy fairy. I  gave him my teachings. I taught Lucius how to be man, mang. When he was embryo swimming and doggy paddlin in his mama’s stomach he did not know how to be a man. When he was little boy in the elementary school he did not know how to be a man. They taught him the A’s the B’s and the C’s, and the multiplication tablets, and the capital sates, but they did not teach him to be a man. In the middle of school they kept him as boy. They taught him about the world, places as far as Gary, Indiana, but they did not teach him how to be a man.  In the heist school with the Mister Belding and the Luke Perry and the Eddie Winslow and the Happy Days, they teach him to get job, and earn money, but they not teach him how to be a man and earn respect. He goes out into street, he becomes pimp, these whores they sell they body for him. But he not make much money, mang, and he get busted and handcuffed by the law. Slammed in the locker! He get out, and he needs real job. Honest work! He comes to the OAOAST because they like his speed and his style. But he is still a boy in a man’s world. I help him, I extend my hand, I say to him I will show you how to be a man. But, I failed. My student has become a big bitch, mang. The teacher, that’s me, gotta punish him good. I will do that next week on our 300th episode of HeldDOWN.


OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE
LIVE FROM DODGER STADIUM IN LOS ANGELES
***FEATURING***
WRESTLER OF THE YEAR KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN COMPETING FOR THE WORLD TITLE
SECOND ROUND ANDERSON CUP MATCHES
RICO DE JANERIO VS LUCIUS SOUL (in some circles this is better than the return of christ!
AND MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE
January 29th 2009
OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents...
#~~THE LOVE SHACK~~#




It's 2009 and it's back! The Love Shack set (which as you know by now of course is pretty much a desk and various other clutter) has been dusted off, dusted down and stands in the OAOAST ring once more. The main difference is the OAOAST World Title standing out amongst the rest of the junk on Leon's desk. Sat stoney faced on stools position at opposite sides of the ring are Melody Nerdly and Jade Rodez-Duncan, with Women's Title draped across her lap. Both make a point not to look at each other, except for occassional glares out of the corner of their eye to check that the other isn't looking at them. Mediating all this is Leon Rodez, out from in front of his desk and standing in the middle of the ring between the two.

LEON
Welcome welcome, one and all, to the first ever World Championship Edition of The Love Shack!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

LEON
Don't get too excited. It's basically the same thing as before, it's just I've got a belt sitting on the desk now. All the same, please join me in welcoming my guests tonight... Jade Rodez-Duncan and Melody Nerdly!

A cheer goes up for both and the girls catch each other giving each other a catty look and turn away from each other.

LEON
Can you feel the love?

*AHEM*

LEON
Anyway, these two girls are set to compete for the OAOAST Women's Title at AnglePalooza and it should be a fine example of friendly competition. Keyword, should. Tonight, we're here to discuss that match and answer a few questions. Or, so they think. My first question isn't so much a question as it is a confession though. I didn't actually bring you two out here to talk business. This is actually one of those surprise interventions. Like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin.

MELODY
Or like Krusty The Clown and Sideshow Bob?

LEON
...if you like, sure. Point is, you two need to sort this out.

JADE
She needs to buy me a new top, beca...

LEON
I'm sorry, my mistake. You two need to sort this like adults.

Jade scowls at her uncle.

LEON
I mean really, squabbling in a McDonalds like two teenage girls? Come on. You're the Women's Champion. Supposed to be a role model. And as for you Melody, no offence but you're old enough to know better, no matter what age your Gamer Tag profile claims you to be. Seriously now, what's the big deal here? Anybody?

JADE
I'll tell you what the big deal is. She's jealous.

MELODY
Excuse me?

JADE
You're jealous. We're supposed to be friends but as soon as things start going right for me, you can't handle it and get super hurt about it. When I was poor little Jade struggling to adjust you were right there to play the best friend. But when I won the Women's Title and pinned you at New Year's, suddenly you've got a problem.

MELODY
Naw naw. That ain't it at all. The fact is all this success has gone to your head and suddenly you act like your stuff don't stink all of a sudden! You're turning into some kinda spoilt little mommy's girl and I'm not good enough for you anymore.

Jade looks shocked.

MELODY
Ever since New Year you've been a major pain. Everytime I chat to you on MSN, it's all "me, me, me". What clothes you bought. What famous people you've met. What magazine wants to talk to you. My fabulous life. You're like those annoying self-centred girls on My Super Sweet 16. Suddenly you're too good to talk about retro cartoons I've been watching. You don't wanna know about any online petitions I've started. And when I sent you that e-mail about that great Dungeons and Dragons game I had over Christmas, you couldn't even be bothered to reply.

LEON
No offence but that does sound a little boring.

MELODY
Little princess here didn't seem to think so before. When she needed me But now, I ain't what's hip no more. She's too good for the 'normal people' now Hollywood loves her. Everything's going her way. She's got her title belt, her famous Mom, famous boyfriend, famous friends...

JADE
That's not true. You've just got a problem because after months of palling around with you, my life's better than yours and you're not centre of attention anymore.

LEON
(confused)
Hang on, famous boyfriend?

MELODY
Yeah, cause now Mommy's girl wants to be centre of attention all the time. And what Mommy's girl wants...

JADE
Leave my Mom out of this!

MELODY
You mean like how she left you?

JADE
OH THAT IS IT!!

Dumping her title belt Jade gets up from her stool and the girls are going at it again, to... an unsympathetic huge cheer from the crowd!! Jade and Melody only manage to get a few tugs at each others hair before Leon prises them apart and seperates the fight just as it's getting going though.

LEON
Enough, alright! You both sound like spoilt children. Sheesh!

Jade looks a little ashamed about her uncharacteristic outburst and sits back down, sorting her hair. Melody sits down as well folding her arms. Leon looks at the two, before turning to Jade disapprovingly.

LEON
If I had a dollar for every time I've had to break up one of your fights then... well... I'd have one dollar. What happened to the girl too nice for her own good?

Leon turns to Melody, noticing her smirking.

LEON
And you're hardly Miss Innocent now, are you?

Sighing, Leon taps the microphone against his forehead trying to think.

LEON
You know what, I don't know what's going on here. Maybe you are a little bit jealous Melody, maybe Jade is being a bit of a show-off now that she's not an outcast anymore. No offence. Again. Honestly, I think you're both blowing this all way out of proportion. Hang on... Jade, did you delete Melody from your friends list?

JADE
Uhm... yeah.

MELODY


JADE
Well, Maya did it for me.

LEON
Okay, you're definately blowing this all way out of proportion. Seriously, that's harsh.

Melody nods in agreement. Jade looks ashamed. Rightly so, Facebook friendship isn't to be fucked with.

LEON
You know, I could try and convince you two not to wrestle on Sunday like I'd planned. But it's clear you're not going to listen to reason. So you'll probably just go ahead and fight each other anyway. Besides, now I know you deleted her on Facebook, even I want to see you get hurt. Not badly or anything, just a hard slap or something. But, I think deep down you two know this is all really silly. You're both in the wrong. The sooner you two realise that and bury the hatchet, become the great friends that you were again, the better. Because one day, Melody, your computer's going to crash while you're in the middle of a marathon game of Simpsons Hit And Run and you're going to need a shoulder to cry on. And one day Jade, Krista's going to be so drunk that she accidently calls you Jason and believe me you're going to need a shoulder to cry on and someone to call you a therapist. And you both know who's shoulder that should be. And that's my Final Thought.

Both girls look a little solemn after that speech.

LEON
By the way, Jason's what you'd have been called if you were a boy.

JADE
I figured, yeah.

LEON
Hopefully that's given you both something to think about.

MELODY
Yeah, it has.

Already halfway out of the ring, Melody turns back and smiles.

MELODY
Almost makes me regret posting your cellphone number up on OAOAST.com so everybody could contact you.

JADE
Wha...

Like a flash Melody is out of there, leaving Jade stunned. She turns to her uncle as if he's going to do something about it, then checks her cellphone, before leaving in just as much of a hurry to try and sort the mess out.

LEON
Boy oh boy. Coach! (leans over ropes) Hey buddy, what's happening. Now, tell me, would you say after seeing that that "bitches be trippin'"?

COACH
Absolutely.

LEON
...dude, that's my niece you're talking about. Uncalled for. Watch your mouth pal, I don't care who the President is.

Wondering what just happened, Coach looks a little stunned as Michael Cole laughs it up next to him.

LEON
Alright, that all wrapped itself up nice and quickly. In which case, I'm just going to stand out here until Mister Dick decides to make a run-in on me. Or maybe he wants to come out face to face and talk about our match, then try to sneak attack me. Actually, come to think of it, I'd better shift that desk out of the ring. Because you know somebody's going through it if he...

Leon trails off at the sight of Mister Dick... not coming to the ring as planned, but standing by backstage and being seen on the arena's AngleTron!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

LEON
Well well, there's a surprise.

MR. DICK
Shut your damn mouth boy! First off, I ain't wastin' my time walkin' out there to be on your crappy little talkshow. You ain't worth a moment of my damn time until you're putting that belt of yours up on the line. So I'm gonna wait until AnglePalooza to kick your ass. Congratulations. Fact is, Mister Dick, he doesn't waste his time with foreplay. None of that Dick teasing. I like to get right in there where it counts. That's all that matters to me. Getting down to the serious business, fast and furious.

LEON
Yeah, I heard that about you.

COACH
What does he mean by that!?

COLE
I think you know.

Mister Dick looks a little confused until he realises that was probably a shot at him.

MR. DICK
You've got a smart mouth Leon. That smart mouth ain't gonna get you nowhere on Sunday though. 2009 is the Year of the Dick. I've been building up to this moment for months and not a man's gonna stop me. Not even you. The great hope of the OAOAST. The young, charismatic, hope-filled, new vision. Sounds familiar, huh? The only difference is, you ain't messin' with no shrivelled up old woman who's husband couldn't be paid all the money in the world to enter her oval office. You're messing with something Hilary hasn't got and that's MANHOOD! So your dream, Leon? It's coming to an end. And when AnglePalooza's in the books, the one lastin' memory of your reign as the OAOAST Champion is gonna be the sight of you being emasculated by The Real American Dick. And they're gonna be able to print your ass up a new t-shirt and it's gonna read YES WE CAN get Dick-slapped!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MR. DICK
See, you ain't nothin' special. Not to me. You're gonna end up just like all the rest. Like Shayne Brave. Like Tyler Bryant. Like Krista. Like Baron Windels last week. Like PRL. Mr. Dick has left his mark on all of those pathetic bitches and you're next. I'm gonna plough through you. And then, next week, right here on this here show, I'm gonna plough through Krista harder than your long-lost brother did. Nah, nah. Not good enough. I'm gonna plough through Krista harder than your long-lost brother's bike ploughed into that tree eighteen years ago, how 'bout that!

"OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
Wow.

COLE
Come ON!

Keeping his composure, it's clear that cheapest of cheapshot registered and Mister Dick grins to himself.

MR. DICK
And once I've beaten Krista into submission and made her dyke ass tap out in front of the world on the biggest HeldDOWN~! of all time, there ain't gonna be a bigger star in this business than Mister Dick! The Heavyweight Dick!

"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"

LEON
Heh. First off, loved the presidential bit. Good to have a theme to run with. But I have to ask... are you really that stupid?

Mr. Dick gives a WTF look.

LEON
Are you really saying that you're looking past me to Krista? On national TV. On camera. Last time I checked, I was the OAOAST World Champion. Which, last time I checked, meant that you have to beat me at AnglePalooza, not the other way around. I'll give you something, you're a confident soul. But I suggest right now you get your priorities straight and forget about this obsession you've got going on with Krista. You'd better be worried about me and me alone. As big of a roll as you've been on recently, the fact remains you've got to go through me first. Leave Krista to Malaysia, they're much more compatible anyway, what with her being the butch one of the relationship.

MR. DICK
What the hell's that supposed to mean!?

LEON
Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against Malaysia. She is a Nerdly after all. But, come on man, you wear speedo shorts and chaps to the ring.

Not seeing the points exactly, Mr. Dick shrugs, seeing no reason why that should be unacceptable.

LEON
Look, let me just wrap this up by saying one thing. You've proven yourself. You proved yourself against Krista, you proved yourself as a worthy number one contender, you've proven yourself as a part of The Deadly Alliance. I'm not about to take any of that away from you. But you've still got a-ways to go. You haven't proven that you can beat me yet. And you haven't proven that you can win the World Heavyweight Championship yet. Until you do that, it's all hot-air. If you can beat me at AnglePalooza, Krista's all yours. All you've got to do now is actually do it. Good luck.

"Rock The Casbah" hits before Mr. Dick has a chance to rebut and he storms off, as Leon waves fond farewells to the crowd.

COLE
Leon Rodez and Mister Dick, the two studs, collide at AnglePalooza for the World Heavyweight Championship this Sunday night. Can Mister Dick prove himself? Or will Leon's reign go on? Krista Isadora Duncan will be waiting in the wings next week in LA, but neither man can afford to look that far ahead. Folks, we'll be back with more HeldDOWN after this!




Lethal Rumble match; winner receives OAOAST Title shot at AngleMania VIII
Featuring-James Cone, Bohemoth, Landon Maddix, Alfdogg, Ned Blanchard, Ragdoll, Christian Wright AND MORE!
LIVE! SUNDAY NIGHT, JANUARY 25th EXCLUSIVELY ON PAY-PER-VIEW


COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage we find wrestler of the year Krista Isadora Duncan, wearing short white shorts, and a white track jacket with a Union jack print, stands with MARV who wears plaid pajama bottom pants and a Hockey Canada t-shirt. Apparently she was unable to watch her daughter argue with her best friend due to being occupied by MARV and his crazy stoner theories.

KRISTA
Honey, how can you be a mistake? You’re a twin!

MARV
That’s what I’m talking about! If I’m a mistake, so is he, so what’s his ass talking about?

KRISTA
Plus, you can’t even say your parents just wanted the prettier one, and the uglier one to grow up inside a dumpster, because you’re identical.

MARV
Right, right. And you know something else...we look alike too!

KRISTA
A brilliant observation, from a brilliant warrior poet. Why do you honor us wicked peasants with your holy speech, oh wise one?

Saving Krista from this “go-nowhere” conversation is the sudden ringing of her phone.

KRISTA
Honey, will you excuse me, I’m expecting a call from someone from my AA group. We’re having a kegger this weekend.

MARV
Party hard!

MARV waves a fond farewell to Krista, letting her answer her call in peace.

KRISTA
Hello?

ALIX (ON PHONE)
Krista! Krista!

KRISTA
Alix? Calm down, sweetie. You’re not blind. Just open your eyes, and you’ll see again. Remember?

MALAYSIA (on phone)
Hello, Krista.

KRISTA
Malay-

MALAYSIA
Now, I want to hurt your girlfriend. I want to hurt her very bad. I’m kind of hungry, and I think I could go for a little Mexican. Heheheheh.

KRISTA
You better not-

MALAYASIA
Now, now. I’m willing to negotiate her release. Just do exactly as I say, and our adorable chica will be just fine.

Malaysia pauses for a moment while Krista listens in mute horror.

MALAYSIA
Tell her everything is going to be okay. She’s so scared, like a small kitten. I don’t comfort people very well.

KRISTA
Al..Alix…ever…everything will be okay! I promise! Don’t worry! Sweetie, I lov-

MALAYSIA
Can you get away from all your helpers and friends? Your entourage? Will they let their meal ticket go off on her own?

KRISTA
No.

MALAYSIA
I’m sorry to hear that. I thought someone in the entertainment industry would be a bit more creative than that. Do you think you could get away from them if Alix’s health depended on it?

KRISTA
Yes.

MALAYSIA
I like that. An audience is nice, but this time I don’t feel like one. If I get the slightest hint that you brought someone with you, it would have very bad repercussions for your girlfriend. You must realize what kind of sexual appetite I have. And this thin buxom Latina…she could satisfy me for weeks.  Do you understand?

KRISTA
Why are you doing this?

MALAYSIA
Answer yes or no.

KRISTA (voice breaking)
Yes.

MALAYSIA
Good. Very good. Go back to your trailer, you’ll find the envelope of where I want you to go on your makeup table. I’ll expect you in no less than a half an hour.

KRISTA
O…okay.

MALAYSIA
Tell Alix you love her.

KRISTA
I love you, and I’m coming to save you!

COLE
Oh my.

COMING UP NEXT
ANDERSON CUP 1ST ROUND ACTION
D*LUX VS THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND
NEXT!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Over at the HeldDOWN~! interview stage it's a brief moment of quiet for Maggie Nerdly and crew. As the team work on getting the lighting prepared for their next assignment Maggie stands getting her make-up re-touched. Into this scene appears the World Heavyweight Champion Leon Rodez. And suddenly the mood gets a little tenser. Sensing this, Maggie turns around to see what's causing the frosty atmosphere all of a sudden and comes face to face with her former boyfriend. Before you know it, everyone has found a job to be getting on with, anything to get out of the way of the potential sparks.

LEON
Can I have a word?

MAGGIE
You're not on my interview schedule.

LEON
It's not for an interview Maggie...

MAGGIE
Well in that case, I'm busy.

As Maggie goes to turn away Leon instinctively reaches out and grabs her shoulder to stop her. He very quickly pulls it away again, the physical contact managing to make an awkward situation even more awkward.

LEON
Look, I just wanted to ask your for some help.

MAGGIE
Oh, do I owe you a favour? My bad. I must have forgotten all about it, what with you do so much for me recently. All those good deeds kinda run together I guess.

LEON
Yeah, the sarcasm really works for you, I'd run with it. It's not for me, okay. Jade and Melody are still fighting over some stupid arguement they had and somebody needs to help them see sense and patch things up, because apparantly they're too stubborn to do it themselves. So I was kinda hoping that you could have a word with one of them. I'd really rather not do it all in public if we can avoid it.

MAGGIE
So you want me to talk to Jade?

LEON
...I was kinda hoping you could talk Melody.

MAGGIE
Oh, yeah, that'd be kinda awkward for you, wouldn't it.

Leon rolls his eyes.

MAGGIE
If Melody's having a fight, that's her problem. Chances are she started it anyway. If Jade wants to talk, she knows how to hit me up. Otherwise, I could care less about Melody's latest little 'flame war'.

LEON
You know what, maybe I shouldn't have asked.

MAGGIE
Maybe you shouldn't.

LEON
Nice talking to you.

Shaking his head Leon skulks off leaving Maggie to continue with her make-up application. Meanwhile, we go elsewhere backstage, where we find D*LUX getting ready. Although it's clear from the look on Shayne's face that he's not comfortable as he grimaces putting on his jacket, a plaster cast on his left arm. A fact not lost on Tyler.

TYLER
Are you sure about this? It's not too late to back out.

SHAYNE
No. This is the Anderson Cup, man. This is what we've been working for all year and this means way too much for us to pass up. Injury or no injury, this is once a year stuff. It's now or never. I ain't backing out.

TYLER
Alright, let's do this.

As D*LUX slap hands and leave, we're transported yet again, this time to find their opponents The Last Kings Of Scotland already on the way to the ring. The Scots are deep in tactical discussion already. But the talking suddenly stops and the Last Kings stop in their tracks.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The crowd in the arena howl with derision as Theodore Moneymaker walks into shot. In a crisp white suit he grins that trademark grin. A couple of seconds later, we see he's not alone, backed up by his VICE squad and Inspector Nerdly.

MONEYMAKER
Gentlemen. Ready for your match tonight?

SCOTT
Aye.

MONEYMAKER
Good. Glad to hear it. This is a big opportunity for you, isn't it? After years in the wilderness. Your time to shine finally. BWAHAHA...

Beginning to laugh, Moneymaker clears his throat and covers it up as a cough.

MONEYMAKER
Sorry, nasal condition. Ahem. As I was saying, it's a big opportunity. Big chance of Anderson Cup success for the winners. Perhaps TOO big for some. And I'd hate to see you two young guys choke under the pressure. Let's face it, that could be the end of you two. It'll be bye bye, back to the hills of Scotland.

DANNY
What are yeh gettin' at?

MONEYMAKER
What I'm getting at gentlemen is this. You beat D*LUX at less than a 100% and you go down as a fluke. You lose and you might as well pack your bags. So I'm asking you to name your price to avoid that happening. What do you say, 3,000 each, American?

The Last Kings look at each other in confusion as they watch Moneymaker reach into the breast pocket of his suit and casually flick through a wad of bills in his leather wallet. Nothing but small change to Moneymaker but possibly more money than the Scots have seen in their life.

MONEYMAKER
Yes? No?

SCOTT
We're interested. Just what are yeh askin' from us exactly?

MONEYMAKER
Simple. Forfeit your place in the Anderson Cup to my friends here.

The Scots look at each other shocked as Bosley smiles.

DANNY
Woah woah, hang on there fellah, we thought yeh meant bustin' the blonde laddie's arm up or somethin', but this, I...

MONEYMAKER
Okay, 5000 each.

The two Scots look at each other again, with Bosley eagerly trying to get them to take the money with his eyeballs alone. They make a few motions to each other before turning back to the Enterprise trio.

SCOTT
Make it ten a-piece.

MONEYMAKER
HAHAHA! A couple of shrewd negotiators, I never would have thought it. Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure doing business with you both. Use it wisely.

After flicking out a few more bills in casual fashion, Moneymaker hands over the cash and shakes hands with the two. CPA nods to himself, with Bosley practically bounding on the balls of his heels in excitement.

MONEYMAKER
Come on gentlemen, we best get ready.

BOSLEY
YEAH! YUH~!

Bosley pounds his chest as the threesome turn and leave. Left looking at their cash, The Last Kings Of Scotland still look like the situation hasn't sunk in yet, stunned at the lucrative deal they just pulled.


COLE
Are... are you kidding me!? Are you telling me that now D*LUX have to take on CPA and Bosley instead of the Last Kings Of Scotland!? Is this all above board!?

COACH
Hey, money talks and it just spoke loud and clear to those boys. That's a year's wages right there!

COLE
I am stunned. Absolutely stunned. We've seen Theodore Moneymaker using his financial backing to buy seedings from other teams before. But never outright spots in the tournament! Who says there's a recession in the world?

COACH
Wanna know the best thing? The exchange rate stinks, so he would have had to pay double that this time last year. Poor ass Scots!

COLE
Theodore Moneymaker using his money to get what he wants again, you know this is exactly what Zack Malibu has been talking about. Moneymaker wants to make the OAOAST his own personal billionaire's playtoy and he's just succeeded in doing it with the Anderson Cup, one of the proudest competitions in the OAOAST. Unbelievable.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

A shrill scream fills the arena as "Makes Me Wonder" greets us back inside the arena. An even shriller scream then greets D*LUX as they make their first appearance for a couple of months. Tyler motions to the crowd as Shayne raises his arms in the air, revealing again the plaster cast on his still injured arm. Any pain he might have been feeling is replaced with adrenaline now and he high-fives Tyler before heading to the ring.

BUFFER
The following tag team contest is an Anderson Cup First Round match, set for one fall! Introducing team number one, at a total combined wei....

Buffer's introduction trails off at the sight of DETECTIVE BOSLEY and CPA jumping D*LUX in the aisle! The boybanders go flying, Tyler being clipped at the knee while Shayne is struck in the back of the head!

COLE
Come on! What the hell is this!?

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Bosley and CPA put the boots to Tyler and Shayne respectively with the crowd voicing their disapproval, while referee Mike Chioda leaves the ring trying to get some order. The raging Bosley takes a swipe at the ref in his attack before dropping down and choking Tyler with his bare hands. Meanwhile Shayne is sent into the barricade. Grabbing the injured arm, CPA holds it out against the barricade and motions to Bosley. And with a big smile on his face Bosley psychs himself up with some slaps before DELIVERING A RUNNING BOOT TO THE CAST!!

COLE
Oh no, right to that broken wrist!

COACH
I guess Tyler was right, Shayne did come back too soon.

COLE
We'll never know now thanks to this heinous attack by VICE!

Curled up against the barricade Shayne screams in pain after the attack to the arm. Tyler tries to get over to help him out but is overwhelmed by the combined force of VICE and together they take him towards the ring.


*DINGDINGDING!*

COLE
Well the bell has sounded, but this isn't right, D*LUX weren't even prepared to face VICE in the first place and now Shayne Brave has been incapacitated and it's two on one!

COACH
Boy, want some cheese with that whine?

COLE
If I want cheese, you're the guy to turn to for sure.

Bosley puts the boots to Tyler in the ring with CPA making the token effort of standing on the apron. A pumped up Bosley lets loose on the crowd for a second, before dropping a big elbow on Tyler and covering...


1...



2...



No.

Tyler rolls away into a neutral corner, kicking Bosley in the stomach as he moves in. Another kick fends the Detective off. And another.

COLE
Tyler fighting alone, but fighting with all he's got.

Grabbing the rope Tyler turns himself up and over as Bosley charges him this time, running across the ring and nailing CPA with a forearm! As the bigman goes to the floor Tyler turns back to Bosley and runs underneath a clothesline. Coming off the ropes he goes for a crossbody, but Bosley catches him, to a groan from the crowd.

BOSLEY
I GOT YOU NOW BOY! I GOT YOU NOW!

Unfortunately for Bosley, he spoke... well, yelled too soon, as Tyler counters Bosley's attempted throw and hooks him with a DDT reversal!!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Could have him!


1...




2...



CPA SAVES!!

CPA leaves the ring, allowing Bosley to get over to the corner to tag. Tyler doesn't have that luxury and as he gets to his feet, CPA lays him out with a well-placed boot to the jaw. In the aisleway, Shayne continues to lay prone in pain.

COACH
Medical note- getting kicked in the arm if your arm is broken will not heal the arm. Unlike how concussions can be cured by a blow to the head, as evident in many cartoons. Works best if you use a frying pan.

CPA picks Tyler up and shoves him into a corner. The youngster tries to cover up, but CPA's bodyshots rain their way through the defences and soon Tyler is laid against the bottom turnbuckle needing the referee to come to his rescue. As CPA backs away, Bosley sees an opportunity and runs down the apron to kick Tyler in the head, which gets a warning as well.

COLE
Come on. This isn't a match, it's a mugging.

COACH
No, pretty sure it's a wrestling match. See that thing with the ropes? Wrestling ring.

Pulling Tyler up again, CPA fires off a couple more bodyshots before whipping him across the ring. Tyler hits the opposite turnbuckles as Bosley steps in. An avalanche from CPA crushes Tyler against the turnbuckles, before he's sent out into a back elbow attack from Bosley. As Tyler hits the mat Bosley spins him around and with a slightshot, sends him right back to CPA, who catches Tyler in mid-air with a Front Spinebuster!!

"OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Oh, the back of Tyler's head just BOUNCED off the canvas!

Referee Chioda tries to put Bosley out and gets yelled at for his trouble, not to mention the covering of spittle, neither of which are too pleasant. Bosley does leave, but immediately becomes the legal man. After mouthing off to the ref again Bosley makes his way over to Tyler. Defenceless, Tyler gets slapped around a little.

COLE
Now they're just mocking Tyler. There's no need for any of this.

COACH
They're sending a message Michael. Making an example out of someone to warn the rest of the OAOAST what'll happen if they step out of line.

COLE
You mean like what they did to Mariachi?

COACH
Exactly.

Bosley further mocks D*LUX by reaching Tyler's hand out in the direction of a tag which isn't going to come with Shayne incapacitated some 20 feet away. When Tyler starts fighting back, Bosley finally puts an end to the games with a knee, elevating Tyler up into a crucifix position and letting him fall into the Long Arms Of The Law with the neckbreaker!

BOSLEY
YOU WANT HIM!? HUH!?

Apparantly VICE aren't done just yet though, as CPA asks for the tag. Bosley holds Tyler upright as CPA measures him.

BOSLEY
YEAH! END THIS PUNK! PUT THAT FIST RIGHT THROUGH HIS GODDAMN HEART BIG DOG!

And CPA nearly does with the GIGATON PUNCH!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
The punch! And Tyler is done! This is a damn shame!

CPA finally makes the cover with Bosley still ranting like a lunatic to the fans...


1...




2...




3!!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match, advancing to the second round of the 2009 Anderson Cup competition... DETECTIVE BOSLEY and CPA... VVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Amped up, Bosley bumps chests repeatedly with CPA who is much cooler about the victory than his partner. Bosley demands his hand be raised in victory by the ref and continues to rant away like only he can.

COLE
And they're proud. They're proud of themselves, after this!?

COACH
Hey, they're through to the next round of the Anderson Cup. Twenty minutes ago they weren't even in the tournament, of course they're gonna be happy about winning.

Shayne is attended to in the aisle by medical personel now that the match is over, still grimacing in pain at the damage done to his arm. Referee Chioda is able to get VICE out of the ring before they can do any more damage to Tyler at least. And as the guns for hire pass Shayne, Bosley can't resist shouting a few words his way just to rub it in.

COLE
Give me a break!

Bosley celebrates boisterously at the top of the ramp, while a shaken-up Tyler drags himself down the ramp to check on his tag team partner.

COLE
D*LUX had such high hopes of winning the Anderson Cup and this tournament meant so much to them, it's a damn shame to see those hopes go down like this. Shayne knew he was risking injury by competing tonight but he couldn't have been expecting that sneak attack when he made his decision.

COACH
This would have happened sooner or later. The guy was going to wrestle with a broken wrist, he was asking for trouble! And if you're asking for trouble, VICE are happy to deal it.

COLE
Well D*LUX's dreams are sadly ended and VICE move on. And... well, I'm sure this is no coincidence, take a look at the brackets Coach. Tell me Theodore Moneymaker didn't see this coming when he bought off the Last Kings Of Scotland earlier on tonight. VICE to take on Tim Cash and Baron Windels in the next round!

COACH
Hehe... a mere coincidence, I'm sure.

COLE
Yeah, I'm sure. Folks, keep it on TSM for more of the 299th episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN~! Almost historic!

OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE
LIVE FROM DODGER STADIUM IN LOS ANGELES
***FEATURING***
WRESTLER OF THE YEAR KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN COMPETING FOR THE WORLD TITLE
SECOND ROUND ANDERSON CUP MATCHES
RICO DE JANERIO VS LUCIUS SOUL (the 30,000th biggest match in HeldDOWN history!)
AND MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE
January 29th 2009
OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT

ENTERPRISE VICE
Windy City Edition
A Theodore Moneymaker Production
Filmed with Theodore Moneymaker's Siclopse

STARRING


CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN AS THE GRIZZLED VETERAN


TANGO BOSLEY AS THE HOTHEADED DETECTIVE

AND


INSPECTOR NERDLY AS THE ROOKIE

TAPED EARLIER THIS WEEK

The afternoon sun creeps through half open blinds onto the plush purple carpeting inside the Windy City free clinic. The majority of the large purple and green chairs are filled with patients who pass their time reading magazines or talking to their family. Morgan Nerdly sits beside an eight year old boy playing with toys.

KID
What are you here for?

MORGAN
Me? Oh, I’m here for Dissocial Personality Disorder

KID
What’s that mean?

MORGAN
I like to hurt people.

KID
I don’t think you do. You look like a nice person.

MORGAN
Thanks.

KID
Do you like Bionicles? ‘Cause I do. They’re my favorite toys. They protect me from evil sprits and bad stuff.  You can have one.

The kid hands Morgan a toy.

MORGAN
I can’t take your toy.

KID
I have a lot more. I bet you could use it more than me.

NURSE
Morgan Nerdly? Doctor Anderson will see you now.

MORGAN
Sorry, buddy, I gotta go.  Um thanks for the toy.

Morgan pockets the toy and heads back towards the office. Anderson sees Morgan and his face lights up with shock.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Morgan? You’re here to see the doctor? There aren’t any doctors in Edmonton?

Morgan giggles at the obvious question, and playfully tosses her hair back.

MORGAN
There’s no Doctor Anderson.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
It’s a fairly common name.  You don’t look sick by the way.

She frowns and her eyes nervously dart to the side. Doctor Anderson softens his tight stance in order to comfort her.

MORGAN
I’m sick in the head. I have Dissocial Personality Disorder with major psychotic tendencies.

Doctor Anderson offers Morgan a solemn nod of compliance and of understanding. He motions for her to follow him, and she keeps pace behind him, looking just a bit more cheerful than usual. They step into his Doctor’s office, a calming, cozy room with a burning brick fireplace and exotic plant life.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
As a family practiconer I can treat you, but I may want to refer you to outpatient psychiatric care.

MORGAN
Been there, done that.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
We’ll see if you have to do it again, have a seat.

Morgan hops onto the bed.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Are you on any medications?

MORGAN
Plenty!

DOCTOR ANDERSON
What types of medications are you on, Morgan?

MORGAN
Do you think I’m pretty?

DOCTOR ANDERSON (not looking up from his chart)
Well, you’re a very charming and unique young lady from what I can tell.

MORGAN
I didn’t ask if you thought I was charming. I’m not. I didn’t ask if you thought I was unique. I am, and not for anything good. I want you to tell me I’m pretty.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
A doctor, at least a medical doctor in a free clinic, should not be commenting on his patient’s looks. Its unprofessional. Why don’t you-

MORGAN
I don’t care what’s unprofessional. If you don’t give me an answer I’ll pick up that scalpel over there and I’ll stab myself with it. Do you think I’m pretty.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Morgan..

Morgan isn’t one for lying nor is she one for bluffing. She snatches the nearby scapel into her hand. Before Anderson can register the severity of the situation she’s hauling the blade across her fair skin. Red goo instantly creeps onto the pristine whiteness, leaving the doctor horrified. Morgan watches with an expression that hints at sorrow, as he rushes to bandage her up.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Good god. Yes I think your pretty. Just don’t do that again! I..I..I could have you committed for that sort of thing. I should have you committed for that sort of thing.  I should.

Morgan smiles at some private and familiar memory that’s just come to her like a loyal puppy.

MORGAN
You’re not going to do that. You’re going to give me a lap dance.

The doctor looks at her with surprise in his eyes.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
I can’t give you that.

MORGAN
Why not? I don’t get it. You do it for every other woman. But for some reason you don’t think I’m worth it? I’m not pretty enough? I’m not your type?

He sighs, and she frowns. He can tell this isn’t Morgan flirting, but just Morgan being the troubled girl she can’t help but be.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
This is a doctor’s office. I don’t play stripper here. I play doctor.

MORGAN
Hmmm…then play Doctor with me.

Doctor Anderson is still somewhat surprised how what would be playful flirting is just plain, depressed, emotionally spent conversation with Morgan. Her words are more like a cry for help that an invitation to amorous play.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Morgan, I’m thinking you should go now. Doctor Emily Hirshbeck is right down the hall, I’ll have her see you right away. She’s great, I think you’ll like her.

MORGAN (in her saddest voice yet)
I want to know feel what its like to be touched.

Doctor Anderson sighs in defeat, knowing he can’t break his moral code and knowing because of that he can’t console Morgan at this moment.

MORGAN
Do you think you could ever go with someone like me.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
If I was little younger, why not?

MORGAN
If I told you things I did before…told you how I used to be would you still wanna be with me?

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Nobodies closet is without skeletons.

MORGAN
But, if you knew my story word for word. If you had all my history?

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Who do you think you’re talking to? I worked in a strip club a third of my life. You think I haven’t done some crazy stuff?

MORGAN
But now?

DOCTOR ANDERSON
The craziest thing I do during the week, besides work for the OAOAST, is I stay up past 12 to watch a rerun of Becker. Better than Cheers in my opinion. But, nothing like blowing up a limo.

MORGAN
I wasn’t…

DOCTOR ANDERSON
You guys thought we did it. Doctor Pigley and I. I’ll tell you the full story behind it. At least everything I know. Somebody asked us, this man in crazy circus makeup and  funny suit, he asked us to standby in case of emergency. The man said he might need a doctor if there are causalities. We asked him what he meant by that and He told us the same thing he we told to Mariachi. He asked us to tell Mariachi and we did. Don’t misunderstood me, Steve and I both despise Moneymaker just like everyone else. But…we save lives we don’t take them, and we don’t condone taking them. Once we figured out the plan was to blow up a limo we were getting ready to go alert Josie but on our way to the office we heard the explosion. No one was hurt, but…I just want to say I’m not a murder and neither is Steve

MORGAN
I wouldn’t care if you were. I’ve done some very crappy things to people.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Would you blow someone up?

MORGAN
Maybe not...but I can't say I wouldn't kill someone. I've wanted to, but I never have. This guy, I guess the mastermind, its like he’s got some kind of rebel army almost. He thinks he’s leading a resistance.

DOCTOR ANDERSON
Why fight it then? The guy said to us he wanted change. As John McCain found out, you can’t stop change. If its going to come, you either watch it come, or get crushed trying to stop it.   I have to save lives, but you don’t. If there are that many people that want Theodore Moneymaker dead, there must be a reason.  Why won’t you let fate do what it has to?

MORGAN
This is my last shot at having a family. The Nerdlys never wanted me. I was born premature, and I was a sick baby. I was sick and weak until I was was threee. Maggie was only a year younger than me and she was healthy and so pretty. She’s their baby. I need VICE and The Enterprise. If something happens to Mister Moneymaker, it’ll all fall apart.  I won’t lose them.

FADE OUT

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We pan down to the world famous interview stage and OAOAST Original Tony Brannigan.

BRANNIGAN
We are 3 nights away from Anglepalooza live exclusively on pay-per-view, and two of the men participating in this Sunday’s Lethal Rumble happen to my guests this week. They are the new tag team of BARON WINDELS and wrestling’s last real good guy, TIM CASH!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

“Thriller” by Fall Out Boy hits and Cash/Windels slap a few hands on their way to the podium.

BRANNIGAN
Guys, you saw it like the rest of us. Your reaction to the little stunt Theodore Moneymaker pulled here tonight?

BARON
To be quite honest, I’m stick to my stomach. I know how hard Shayne Brave trained to comeback and to see him and Tyler get jobbed the way they did, after preparing all this time to face the Last Kings of Scotland, it just makes my blood boil. It’d be like the Steelers preparing for the Cardinals in the Super Bowl and then finding out just before kick-off they’ll be playing the Cowboys instead, a team that wasn’t even in the tournament!

BRANNIGAN
As a couple of Cowboys fans, you and I would love that, but it wouldn’t be fair.

BARON
Unless you ain’t got no ethics like Theodore Moneymaker. I reckon that cowboy’s still upset I found his money to be no good. By rejecting Enterprise membership I knew it’d put my name right at the top of Moneymaker’s enemies list, but I also gained a ton more of friends because of it. Take the man next to me for example. Before he became a wrestler Tim Cash was just an ordinary citizen doing his part to serve and protect his community as an emergency medical technician. He partnered with a man named Tango Bosley. They formed a friendship and eventually decided to break into the sport of professional wrestling. Like every rookie they hit their fair share of bumps on the road. But when the going got tough, Bosley sold out for instant fame and fortune which reminded me of a former partner. Unlike Tango Bosley and Mr. Dick, Tim Cash and Baron Windels dug in deep and continued to fight like true soldiers! A couple of citizen soldiers you might say, because if we can’t get along then we’ll get it on. Next week these Citizen Soldiers are gonna march into the second round of the Anderson Cup and get rid of V.I.C.E.

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

BRANNIGAN
As I mentioned in the introduction, you’ll both partake in the Lethal Rumble where it’s every man for himself. It’s quite possible you two might cross paths somewhere during the match. The winner to receive a shot at the OAOAST Champion at AngleMania VIII.

CASH
All for one and one for all, that’s how we’re approaching the Lethal Rumble. If we have to thrown down hopefully it wouldn’t be until 28 others have already been eliminated! I’ll get a taste of the mayhem this Sunday later tonight in the Inaugural Brawl. Only 6 of us in that one, but since I’m such a swell guy I’ll help throw them over the top!

The music cues and the newly dubbed Citizen Soldiers play to the crowd.

COLE
The Citizen Soldiers are ready for whatever comes their way, Coach.

COACH
Let’s see how ready they are next week against V.I.C.E. That's gonna be a historic ass whuppin on a historic show. Them whitebread fools is gonna enter the ass kickin hall of fame. I can't wait!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

WEST PORTLAND DANCE STUDIO


Krista is filled with an immense haunting terror. She can only take her trembling, sweat drenched hands and uneasily force the phone back into her pocket. Barely able to sty upright, weakened by the mental exhaustion, she staggers and stumbles on weary legs down the hallway.

The lobby is dark and empty and cool and the furnace sounds like it could burst at any moment. Plastic molded chairs line up against the walls and the entire building smells like wood cleaner. The west dance floor is dark, though Krista can see through the opening window. A small office is lit, albeit only dimly.

ALIX (O.S.)
Krista! Krista!

Krista is seized by terror so strong she can hardly move. She hasn’t a way to make her feet lurch forward.

ALIX (O.S.)
Krista, come here!

Krista’s eyes flash around the area, trying to find where the voice is coming from. She hears Alix laugh and whirls to the sound. There she is on TV, tousling Krista’s air. It’s from a segment that aired on Headline News. Then the TV screen goes blue. Krista turns slowly. Malaysia is standing very still by the back exit. In her hand is the remote control. The two ladies stare at each other for a very long time, and then Malaysia cracks a sly grin. She walks toward Krista, quite close, and then passes her to put the remote on top of the DVD player.

MALAYSIA
Sorry about the lie. I do want Alix, but not nearly as bad as I want you.

KRISTA
You...tricked me.

MALAYSIA
You smell so delicious. That’s what I like best about you. Your smell. Everyone has something they like best about you. You smell floral. I have to get my taste.
Malasyia lifts a lock of Krista’s golden hair and sniffs it delicately. Then she gently pats the strand back into place. Malaysia steps back and begins to circle, casually as if she were trying to get  a better view of a statue in a museum. Then she slumps forward into a crouch and her smile grows until its not a smile anymore but contortion of glistening teeth.

Krista lunges for her foe. Malaysia is in front of her in a flash, and a crushing blow hits her chest to send her flying backwards. Krista feels herself skidding across the smooth wood floor before hearing a crunch as her head bashed the mirror. The glass buckled, some of the pieces shattering and splintering beneath her.

MALASYIA
That’s why I like you. You’re feisty. Jade tries to be tough like you, but there’s nothing like the real thing.

Krista ignores Malaysia, scrambling on her hands and knees and crawling towards the door. Malaysia is over on her at once,  her foot stepping down hard on her leg. Krista hears the sickening snap before she feels it. But then she does feel it and can’t hold back her scream of agony.

MALAYSIA
Ooooooh yes!

Malaysia’s boot smashes into her face, throwing her back into the broken mirror. Over the pain of her leg she feels the sharp rip across her scalp where the glass cut it. And then warm wetness spread through her hair with alarming speed. She could feel it soaking the wetness of her shirt.

MALAYSIA
The little starlet is bleeding. How's the going to look on the cover of People?

KRISTA
Owwwwww.

MALAYSIA
Now I get to have my fun.

Malaysia’s fingers find the snap of Krista shorts quite easily and she opens them, her right hand diving down inside them as if searching for hidden treasures. Her fingers move quickly over the flesh forcing her legs apart, her ears hearing the sudden intake of breath, the trembling sobs of Krista but Malaysia is not to be stopped. Her dark eyes dive into blue pools as her fingers torture and torment the blonde until she’s molding her like hot lava to her fingers. She slides her free hand through Krista's track jacket, cupping her breasts. Her thumbs rapidly swipe across her nipples. She traces along the edge of her jaw with her tongue. Her lips fastened on Krista's earlobe and suckle it. She latheres the underside of her ear and follows it down the soft curve of her neck. Malaysia fixes on her lobe again, this time biting with her teeth. All the while Malaysia's fingers continue to satisfy her deepest of carnal urges.

KRISTA
St...stop!

Fingers curl around Krista’s neck as Malaysia pulls her mouth to hers and begins to rape it with deep sodden kisses, tongue thrusts echoing the passion she had held in check too long. Malaysia lifts those fingers to Krista’s lips and forces her to suck them clean with obvious delight before smiling at Krista like the cat that ate the canary.

MALAYSIA
I’d rather finish up in private.

Malaysia throws her remote at the camera, knocking it over and ruining the feed.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Tony Brannigan is standing backstage with the One Man Triple threat,  


SPENCER REIGER

Reiger is wearing a black blazer with a dragon print on the back and faded jeans.

TONY
Welcome back, OAOAST Marks. I'm standing at the side of New York's Finest, Spencer Reiger. In a few moments you should be competing in an Anglepalooza Battle Royal, but I've come to understand you've requested interview time for another reason.

SPENCER
Brannigan, I want to introduce you to someone. This man wasn't a star student at the OAOVW training school.

TONY
As you most definitely were.

SPENCER
He wasn't an All American lacrosse player at prep school like I was. Hell, I'm not even sure this corny retard attended school beyond preschool. He didn't have his choice of Ivy Leauge schools to go to when he graduated high school. If he did graduate that is. He wasn't handpicked by Anglesault himself as the future of this company. He is Leon Rodez and he is your OAOAST world champion. But in my opinion, he's a jobber.

TONY
A jobber? You have to be kidding me.

SPENCER
I wish I were. He's not a jobber in the traditional sense of he loses all the time. He's a jobber in the sense that he's punk and a cornball. He's got a world title defense against a Texas A&M Aggie, who's cut out of stone. But he spends his last show before his big match mediating a fight between a couple of braindead teenage girls who've watched too much Degrassi. I don't know how many messed up sex acts Rodez had to do for a title shot or how many prayers he had to say to win the thing, but he's done nothing but embarrass the belt and the company sense he's had it. The world champion is supposed to be the man. He's just another face in the crowd being ran around by Nerdly girls. Me? I've got too much class, and too much style, and too much charisma to get lost in the shuffle. If you want to see a real world champion look to Spencer Reiger. My title quest starts this Sunday, but you'll get a sneak preview of how great I'm going to do in just a few moments. Adios, Brannigan!

To the arena!

COLE
Coming up is our special Inaugural Brawl, which is always going to serve as a bit of a Lethal Rumble preview for this Sunday night's big thirty man over the top rope extravaganza. Tonight, six men, over the top rope eliminations. A little taster for you all of what's to come live on Pay Per View. And we at the OAOAST would like to take this moment to formally extend our congratulations to the 44th President of the United States Barack Obama, as I'm sure you'll agree Coach.

COACH
Shut up bitch! We in power now! You answer to me now! Hear that? Hear that wind of change motherfucker!? YES WE CAN make you fetch us coffee! This my house now!

COLE
And with that all that great work done by our President has been set back in 20 awful seconds. Let's go up to the ring and join Michael Buffer.


*DINGDING!*

CUE: "Hail To The Chief"

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your following contest is a six man over the top rope 'Inaugural Brawl' battle royal!!


"If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera's here
and the microphones and they wanna know
Oh oh oh yeah"

BUFFER
Introducing the participants. First, from Beverly Hills, California... weighing two hundred, thirty five pounds... "THE HANDSOME HUSTLER"... NNEEEEEEEEEEEEEDD... BBLLLLLAAAAAAAAANNCCHHHAAAAARRRRRRDD!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

To the sounds of Lupe Fiasco's "Superstar", Ned Blanchard walks the red carpet to a much more positive reception than he's used to. Ned doesn't seem bothered either way aside from the grin on his face as he marches to the ring.

COLE
Both Ned and Simon to be a part of the 8th annual Lethal Rumble after qualifying at an OAOAST live event in the week. And no Enterprise agendas to deal with, their focus will be on their own careers now, not what Theodore Moneymaker wants their careers to be.

COACH
They don't have careers without Moneymaker, don't you get it? He already took their name, took that stupid camera, if he wanted to take their livelihoods he could do that just as easily. And he still might.

Ned warms up in the ring as "The World Is Mine" by David Guetta hits. A wealth of flickering and flashing spotlights alternate between entirely red and entirely white across the entrance stage. The lights on the floor then turn blue cutting through a thin haze that fills the stage. Spencer Reiger strolls out into this tranquil mist and adjusts his Ed Hardy hoodie top.

BUFFER
From Manhattan, New York... weighing in at two hundred, ten pounds. He is "THE ONE MAN TRIPLE THREAT"... SSSSPPPEEEEEEEEENNCCCCCEEEEEEERRRRR... RRRREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGEEEEERRRRRRR!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Spencer saunters down the aisle, cloaked by a bright white spotlight to contrast the flashing blue and red "SR" shaped illuminations on the entrance ramp. Stopping at the end of the ramp Spencer prepares one of his cruel insults to the fans nearest to him. But tonight, he deems them unworthy of his time, so pathetic that they're not even worth humbling.

COLE
Spencer Reiger in his first Lethal Rumble this Sunday, qualifying over Jamie O'Hara. I can't see him making too many friends along the way.

Jogging up the steps Spencer "rolls cameras" mockingly at Ned. Playing along, Ned gives him something to film. Except Spencer doesn't seem too impressed by the middle fingers being brandished at him.

COLE
There's one enemy already.

COACH
What happened to this guy? When he was in The Enterprise, he was never this crass.

COLE
That's not how I remember it. Ned has never been anything but.

"It's Not My Time" by 3 Doors Down plays next, bringing out one of Spencer's longer-lasting enemies. Resident nice guy Tim Cash heads out waving warmly to the fans, greeting the camera-man in front of him with a friendly handshake. More waves and handshakes are afforded to the fans on his way down. Spencer watches on in disgust. And Ned joins him.

BUFFER
From Peoria, Illinois and weighing two hundred, twenty pounds... proudly known as wrestling's last real good guy... TTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMM... CCAAAAAAASSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Here's a man who makes friends wherever he goes, Tim Cash!

Tim makes it halfway up the steps before realising he's missed an out-stretched hand, jogging back down to shake it. As he enters the ring, Tim's friendship extends to his opponents, offering them both a handshake. Spencer of course tells him where to go, but Ned does give him the handshake, although far from a warm one and just a token gesture. Once Tim's turned away Ned looks at him like he's nuts.

COLE
I know Tim is looking forward to the Lethal Rumble.

COACH
And why would that be?

COLE
Well, twenty-nine opponents means twenty-nine hands to shake.


"We're running with the Shadows Of The Night
So baby take my hand, you'll be alright
Surrender all your dreams to me tonight
They'll come true in the end"

The warmth the crowd were feeling chills over into a chorus of boos once "Shadows Of The Night" begins to power (ballad) through the P.A. Leading the way out with a big smile on his face, Landon Maddix does a quick twirl on the stage, extending his arms triumphantly. To either side of him are his right hand men. On the left, James Blonde, looking with some jealousy at Todd Cortez on the right with his US Title over his shoulder. Landon turns to the duo and is filled with a huge dose of confidence, as if he needs it, leading them to the ring.

BUFFER
And finally... from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. He weighs two hundred, eight pounds... "THE TRENDSETTER"... JJJJAAAAAAAAMMMMMMEEEEESSSSSSS... BBLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOONNDDEEEEEE!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

BUFFER
From 'Hollywood Boulevard'... at two hundred, twenty six pounds. He is the OAOAST United States Champion... "THE URBAN LEGEND"... TTOOOOOOOOOODD... CCOOOOORRRRRRRRTTEEEEEZZZZZZZZ!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

BUFFER
And from Huron, South Dakota by way of Madrid, Spain... weighing two hundred and eight pounds, he is the leader of Cucaracha Internacional and a former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... LLLLAAAAANNNDDOOOOOOOOOONN... "LA CUCARACHA"... MMMMAAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXX!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Cortez looks serious as ever as he rolls into the ring, sizing up the opposition. Taking more time in the spotlight are Landon and the applauding Blonde, following his leader closely. Landon climbs to the apron and extends his hands to more boos. In the absense of Megan, Landon goes to enter the ring solo. But James Blonde can't see that happen and calls for Landon to wait, so that HE can hold the ropes open for his spin into the ring!

COLE
Cucaracha Internacional well represented here tonight and even better represented in the Lethal Rumble, where all five members are entered into the running. If they can co-exist, it's going to be a huge advantage for them.

COACH
Hang on, what do you mean 'if' they can co-exist? Why wouldn't they?

COLE
Aside from it being every man for themselves you mean?

Not sensing the tension between his two allies, Landon pulls them together into a huddle to talk strategy. A huddle neither look comfortable with. Still blissfully unaware, Landon breaks and once the entrance jackets are out, we're ready to go.


*DINGDINGDING!*

The bell sounds but before the action can commence, Tim has some more handshakes to dole out.

COACH
What planet is this guy from?

Landon like Ned before looks pretty condescending about the whole thing, as Cortez is the first to do the deed. Figuring if it's good for Todd it's good for him, Blonde jumps in to shake the hand as well. But before Landon can do so, Spencer Reiger decides he's seen enough and jumps Cash from behind!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Finally the match is underway as Landon and Blonde break forward to attack Ned. Todd doesn't join them though, instead attacking Spencer as he puts the boots to Cash. Falling into a corner, Spencer is kicked at by Cortez, forcing him to go to the eyes. Turning the tables he stomps Cortez against the turnbuckles before standing on the throat choking the life out of the US Champion. When Cash pulls himself to his feet he thinks about going after Spencer. But, seeing the two on one situation Ned is in, Tim's selflessness draws him to help him out, pulling Blonde around into a forearm smash. And then Landon. Ned then rewards Cash's helpfulness, with a short clothesline.

COACH
That's gratitude for you.

COLE
Still the same old Ned. And unashamed about it.

Ned grabs Landon as he gets to his feet, putting him into a turnbuckle pad face first. After landing two right hands Ned then scoops the legs and looks to throw La Cucaracha out! The crowd's cheers last barely a couple of seconds as just when Landon looks to be in trouble, James Blonde THROWS himself to Landon's rescue and pulls Ned away.

COLE
That's going to be a huge advantage at AnglePalooza for Landon Maddix. I could be wrong, but I don't think anyone else in the Rumble has a lapdog entered with him.

Blonde takes a couple of shots from Ned, but manages to pick a way through and stun him with a Sitout Jawbreaker. As Ned goes down, Cash tries to grab Blonde from behind, but JB is able to land with an elbow. After punching Tim a couple of times, Blonde comes off the ropes looking for a clothesline. He gets caught and dropped in an inverted atomic drop though. Cash turns around to see Landon charging towards him, sidestepping and watching as Blonde accidently backdrops his boss!

BLONDE


Once he realises what he's done, Blonde tries to apologise but Cash spins him around and chops him in the chest. Blonde ducks a second and retaliates...


*SLAP!*

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

...but Cash ducks and Blonde ends up chopping Landon!!

COACH
Oh no!

COLE
Right to Landon's achilles nipple!

Horror-stricken, Blonde gets chopped again. Cash goes to whip Blonde, but it's reversed. Coming off the ropes Cash goes underneath a leapfrog from Blonde, stopping in his tracks to boot Landon in the gut. Behind him Blonde hits the ropes and Cash quickly adjusts, kicking out Blonde's legs and causing him to dropkick Landon in the chest inadvertantly!!

COLE
Tim Cash making a fool out of Cucaracha Internacional.

Blonde tries to help Landon back up and Cash runs up behind, throwing Blonde up and over the top...



...but the Canadian hooks the top rope and hangs on!

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

As Cash bends down to pick Blonde back up, he's grabbed and spun into a THRUST KICK by Todd Cortez! Seeing this, Landon pats Todd on the back and goes to putting the boots to Cash, while Blonde sulks at being upstaged. Not that he has much time to do so, as Spencer attack from behind, while Cortez and Ned start trading right hands across the ring. Cortez manages to pick Ned's leg and has him on the verge of elimination.

COLE
Ned Blanchard in danger and we're in danger of not getting paid by our advertisers! We're going to have to take a quick timeout. This Inaugural Brawl will continue when we come back!


*COMMERCIALS!*


COLE
Welcome back to HeldDOWN~!, with the six-man Inaugural Brawl battle royal in progress.

Since the break, Ned has escaped danger and is now trading off with Cortez. Spencer and Landon double team Cash now. Or, they were, until Spencer tires to cheapshot Landon and gets forearmed in the face for his trouble.

COLE
These six men all looking for valuable momentum going into the Lethal Rumble. But remember, the luck of the draw, so important this Sunday. And I'm sure the likes of The Deadly Alliance, of Bohemoth, of last year's winner Cuban Wall, Brock Ausstin, all looking on with intrigue at what's happening tonight with the Lethal Rumble preparations already underway.

COACH
Don't forget Biff Atlas! Sometimes in a Rumble you've gott play it safe. And nobody plays it any safer than Biff!

As the seperate battles continue, Landon has Cash in tow and tries to pick him up onto his shoulders for the GTS... but Cash wriggles free. Grabbing Landon in a waistlock he runs him to the ropes. But with roll-ups of no use, he lets go before getting there and changes grip to try and tip Landon over the top!!

COLE
Look out, Landon in trouble!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAA..."

Spotting the danger, Blonde quickly goes to the eyes on Reiger in order to get by him and rush over to drag Landon back from the brink again.

COLE
I wonder if James Blonde is house-trained or not.

COACH
Hey now!

Blonde spends an eternity checking to see if Landon is okay, in which time Spencer Reiger is able to clear his vision. By the shoulder, he pulls Blonde around and executes a perfect standing dropkick to the jaw. Spencer motions for the crowd to give it up for him, which of course they don't. Spotting Cash walking across the ropes, Spencer seizes an opportunity to rake his eyes across the top cable.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

As Spencer mocks the blinded Tim, Ned manages to get a move on Cortez by hanging him face-first into the top turnbuckle pad. Another opportunity presents himself for Spencer and as Ned walks away, he charges. Ned sees The Prodigy coming though and ducks his head, backdropping Spencer up and over...




...TO THE APRON! Hanging onto the top rope Spencer quickly runs himself to the corner and with Ned slumped against the ropes catching a rest, Spencer hits the running enziguri from the ring apron!!

COLE
There's that kick. Precision strike from Reiger, although pretty risky in this type of match.

COACH
It paid off though.

Still hanging onto the top rope Spencer decides to show-off by letting himself fall towards the ground and skinning the cat back inside. Reiger's showmanship is showed up seconds later though, as Tim Cash delivers a clothesline SENDING OVER THE TOP AND TO THE FLOOR!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Shocked, Spencer holds his head in his hands as the crowd laugh it up at his expense.

COLE
Spencer got cocky and now, he's out of here!

Cash doesn't waste time bragging and grabs a front facelock on Ned, pulling him upright. Fighting out, Ned lines Cash up...


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and delivers a knifedge chop. Cash falls against the ropes and Ned takes a few steps back to create a run-up, only for Cash to raise a foot and counter. As Ned falls backwards holding his jaw Tim takes a second to nurse his chest. Brushing aside the referees on the outside, Spencer suddenly hops to the apron. And before Cash knows what's happening, Spencer hooks his adversary and tips him over the top, BRINGING HIM TO THE ARENA FLOOR!!!!

COLE
Now what was that for? Talk about a sore loser.

COACH
Yeah, but now the guy who eliminated him's a loser as well. So that ought to soften the blow a little.

As Cash complains about the validity of his elimination, Spencer backs away trash-talking him, escorted by a couple of referees.

COLE
Spencer Reiger yet again showing what a disrespectful young man he is, with his treatment of Tim Cash. And that leaves us with four. Ned Blanchard and the three members of Cucaracha Internacional. This could get ugly.

Faced with three on one odds, Ned doesn't back down and instead drops Cortez with a clothesline. Maddix quickly moves in and Ned fends him off with right hands. But once Blonde joins in it's not long before Ned is overwhelmed and forced into a corner by the attack.

"LET'S GO NED!"
"LET'S GO NED!"
"LET'S GO NED!"
"LET'S GO NED!"

Landon and Blonde kick away at Ned repeatedly in the corner, then Landon directs traffic and they try to eliminate The Handsome Hustler. Across the ring, Cortez picks himself up. But rather than help out his Cucaracha Internacional team-mates, the US Champion decides to hang back and take a breather. Noticing this, Blonde waves authoritively at him to come and help, but Todd just ignores him.

COACH
What's Cortez's problem. Get over there man!

COLE
It's already two on one. If Blonde and Landon really need someone else's help at this point, they ought to ask themselves why.

COACH
That's not the point, he should be helping anyway. Fall in line soldier!

Todd doesn't fall in line. And Blonde is left to regret it, as a stray boot catches him flush in the face! With JB down, Ned is able to struggle his way off the ropes and fire back on Landon with right hands. Maddix cuts him off with a knee, then delivers a hard kick to the chest. And one to the midsection. An irish whip sends Blanchard to the ropes and Landon goes up, ready for the Dropsault... but Ned hangs on and it's a bad landing for Landon!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

Now Cortez jumps in and a slugfest ensues between him and Ned. Ned manages to deliver a kneelift and then send Cortez into the turnbuckles. As he goes to elevate him out, Blonde attacks Ned from behind.

COLE
I'm not sure if that was a save, so much as convenient timing.

Beating Ned to one knee, Blonde directs traffic now. He whips Ned to the ropes and brings Cortez over to set up a double clothesline. Their lazy attempt is easily ducked by Blanchard though, who hooks the ropes on the near side. Not happy, Blonde gets on Todd's case. He then charges at Ned, who catches him with the STUN GUN!!

COLE
Got him!

Blonde is left dazed, allowing Ned to simply PITCH HIM OUT OF THE RING as Cortez looks on!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
And James can now go prepare Landon's bath water for when he gets to the back, he's gone!

COACH
Thanks to Todd Cortez.

COLE
How do you figure that?

COACH
He screwed up the move. And then he just stood there while James got thrown out.

COLE
Please.

As Ned turns around, Todd just shrugs and the two go at it again with another exchange of right hands. Cortez is the one to gain the upperhand this time, delivering a rolling sobat kick to the stomach. Hitting the ropes, he gets cut off in the middle of the ring with a back elbow though. With Todd staying up, it's Ned hitting the ropes. But in steps Landon Maddix, getting the Dropsault this time!

COACH
Look at that, picturesque!

COLE
Careful. Don't you go getting a crush on him too.

Pulling Ned back up, Landon feeds him to Cortez and gives the signal.

COLE
Uh-oh, Riot Act Plus!

Cortez accepts the gift and goes to hook Ned...


...but The Handsome Hustler counters with a backdrop...


...which Todd flips out of, landing on his feet! Just about! Regaining his footing he quickly catches Ned with a dropkick to the knee... and Landon quickly follows up with the Low Flying Superkick with Ned downed!!

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Teamwork from Landon and Cortez. Boy, it's been a long while since they've been in synch like this.

COACH
Now that they are, the OAOAST better watch out. This is the final piece of the puzzle Michael, Landon's been saying it for months and now we're seeing it. Cucaracha Internacional are the ones to watch with Cortez towing the line.

Or maybe not, as Landon calls for a high-five but Todd is busy picking Ned back up. Shrugging it off, Landon helps out and together they pick The Handsome Hustler off the mat. And already dazed, he has no defence as Landon and Cortez run him across the ring...




...AND HURL HIM OUT OVER THE TOP!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

COLE
Ned Blanchard eliminated, after a valiant effort.

COACH
Yeah, but it's just like I told you, with Todd towing the line there's no stopping Cucaracha Internacional, the sky is the limi...

Coach rightly trails off, as busy celebrating, Landon gets caught out...




...AND CLOTHESLINED OVER THE TOP BY CORTEZ!!!!!!

BLONDE


"YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

COLE
WHAT?

COACH
DAMNIT, NOT AGAIN!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

The crowd go wild as the referee slides in to raise Cortez's arm in victory. Both Landon and Blonde look shocked on the floor.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner of this Inaugural Brawl battle royal... the OAOAST United States Champion... "THE URBAN LEGEND"... TTOOOOOOOODD... CCOOOOORRRRRTTEEEEEEZZZZZZ!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
So much for being in synch!

COACH
Why does he ALWAYS do this!? Why!?

As Landon holds his hands on his hips, a steamed up James Blonde hits the ring and gets in Cortez's face about what he just did. Just as it looks like they're about to come to blows, the referee holds them apart. Landon rolls into the ring at this point and with a stoney look on his face he steps in, pulling Blonde away. Taking the result much harder than his boss Blonde is fuming. But Landon just motions for him to 'cool it'.

COACH
Oh, now we're gonna get into it!

Once Landon has got Blonde to settle down a little he turns to Cortez accusingly. The US Champion doesn't back down, shrugging his shoulders as if to say "what else was I supposed to do".


And Landon smiles.

COLE
Huh?

Blonde's reaction is just the same, only getting more confused as Landon LAUGHS. Yes, laughs. Suddenly unconcerned with the defeat, Landon actually pats Cortez on the chest and playfully mouths to him that "you got me", before HUGGING him! Cortez looks a little surprised but doesn't pull away, mainly thanks to the aghast expression James Blonde is facing him with.

COLE
Okay, now I'm REALLY confused.

COACH
Don't you get it? It's all cool! Todd got the better of his boss, no sweat, just a little harmless fun! What were you even worried about man!?

COLE
Well, sure, but... this is Landon Maddix we're talking about.

All smiles, Landon is happy to admit not being the better man tonight. Blonde manages to flash him a smile as he passes, before giving Cortez a scowling look, clearly not as casual about the outcome as his mentor is. And the three leave together in something approaching harmony.

COLE
Okay, interesting goings on to say the least. A much more understanding Landon Maddix than we're used to, Cortez and Landon getting along. They say anything can happen in pro wrestling but... yeah. Todd Cortez your winner of the battle royal anyway, going into AnglePalooza. I can't imagine Landon Maddix would be quite so relaxed about this outcome if it were the Lethal Rumble somehow though. We may find out this Sunday. Until then, goodbye world!

COACH
And don't none of ya'll fuck with my boy Obama 'till then. We be watchin' ya'll!