OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 1/15/09

[Chanel #99]

PRESENTED IN HD

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLTCXZbCNFU



COLE
Folks, its time for OAOAST HeldDOWN~! We are only two weeks away from our January pay per view extravaganza, Anglepalooza! With a survive or surrender match, Malaysia's dungeon match, the world title on the line, and the Lethal Rumble it promises to be massive event. But tonight's show is a major one in its own right, as we've got an update on The Name's condition, Anderson Cup action, and the newest game show, Who's Nerdly Is it Anyway! But we kick things off with the new number one contender in action!


I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!
When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside
I’ll leave you wetter than a flood tide
I gotta bend you over that’s how I like to ride!
I date a girl who whips my hide
And my 12 inches is my greatest pride
I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!

"Womanizer" pumps through the arena as Mister Dick pumps through the entrance with a big grin on his face. The newly named number one contender stands beneath a golden shower of pyro, seemingly in awe of his own genital proportions as he looks down. Not quite so impressed are the crowd, getting on Mr. Dick's case as he swaggers confidently down the aisle, stopping only to offer himself to a female fan in the aisleway. Which her other half doesn't take too kindly to of course.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your opening contest of OAOAST HeldDOWN and is set for one fall! Introducing first, from San Antonio, Texas and weighing two hundred, thirty eight pounds... he represents The Deadly Alliance and is the Number One Contender to the World Heavyweight Championship... "THE HUMAN HARD ON"... MMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSTTEEEEEERRRRRRR... DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Sliding into the ring, Mr. Dick pounds the canvas with his eyes sinisterly fixed on the crowd.

COLE
And with Anglepalooza just nine days away, the title credentials of this man are going to be tested to their fullest by his former tag team partner.

COACH
Test nothing. This is just a warm-up.

COLE
Warm-up!? I tell you what, Baron Windels is one hell of a 'warm-up' in that case. He's beaten Mr. Dick before and he could certainly do it again.

Mr. Dick confidently struts around the ring like the cock of the walk before a "PENCIL DICK" chant starts up and gets him all riled up. Just as riling are the cheers when "Thriller" by Fallout Boy hits.

BUFFER
And his opponent hails from San Antonio, Texas. He weighs two hundred and sixty five pounds and is "THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER"... BBAAAAAAARRRRRROOOOOOOOOONN... WWWWIIIIIIIIIIINNDDEEEEEELLLLLSSSSS!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

Following the orange pyro rocket's descent into the stage, Baron Windels makes his way out. Infact the usually cheery Baron almost stalks through the entrance way with a scowl etched on his face as he stares at his former partner who's chewing absent mindedly on a stick of gum. Baron's walk to the ring and just as slow and determined.

COLE
No Melody Nerdly at Baron's side, more on that later in this broadcast.

As Baron reaches the ringside area he stops and stares at Mr. Dick some more. Mr. Dick leans over the ropes jawing at his former partner, who just glares back before suddenly throwing up the longhorns, or the Nerdly RAWK hand signal if you prefer.

COLE
Boy, Baron looks focused and Mr. Dick may have bitten off more than he can chew tonight and if you say what you look like you're about to say in response to that you will regret it trust me.

COACH
No homo.

Baron climbs the steps and enters the ring. Off comes the jacket, with the Stewie Griffin t-shirt sadly conspicuous by it's absence with Baron's serious attitude tonight. The Human Hard On looks on from the opposite corner unimpressed.

COLE
Here we go, the battle of the Gunslingers live on HeldDOWN and we thank you once again for joining us here tonight live on TSM.


*DINGDINGDING!*

As the bell sounds Mr. Dick suddenly gets a bit more serious, spitting out his gum. Of course he doesn't just spit it anywhere, instead aiming it in the direction of Michael Buffer as he leaves the ring. Referee Mike Chioda signals for them to 'get it on' and the two bulls square up in the middle of the ring in a staredown.

COLE
Sad to think that this time last year, these two were the Tag Team Champions of the world.

COACH
A year is a long time in wrestling Cole.

The staredown inevitably escalates into words between the two. And words lead to physicality, as Mr. Dick shoves Baron in the chest! Baron wipes a hand across his face before responding by slugging Mr. Dick with a flurry of Texan right hands! The crowd go wild as the hard rights back MD into a corner and Baron doesn't stop there as he continues to swing away, taking out months of frustrations before the referee orders a break and an opening of the hand. Baron gives the clean break and whips Mr. Dick across the ring into the opposite turnbuckles. Hitting hard, Mr. Dick then stumbles out into another right hand and as he hits the deck he rolls on out of the ring waving it off.

COLE
Don't tell me Mister Dick has had enough already!

Baron isn't hanging around to find out, exiting the ring and staying on the attack!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
You can never have enough of a good thing they say and Mr. Dick getting punched in the mouth is definately a good thing!

Looking dazed Mr. Dick staggers around ringside trying to get away. Baron catches up to him and whirls him around into a big right hand, then bounces Mr. Dick's face off the ring apron. Another right hand then connects and hard. Mr. Dick takes a spill into the timekeeper's table, improvising by attempting to use Buffer as a human shield as Windels slugs him again.

COACH
That's a lawsuit.

COLE
And you just know Buffer's gotta have a good lawyer.

Pulling Mr. Dick away from the tables and innocent bystanders Baron throws him back inside where MD tries to call for a truce. Baron swats away the handshake and boots Mr. Dick in the gut, throwing him into the corner. Climbing to the middle rope Baron then raises a fist with a contemptful look on his face...


"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

"FIVE!"

"SIX!"

"SEVEN!"

"EIGHT!"

"NINE!"

"TEN!"

COLE
Baron Windels is tanning the hide of his former tag team partner!

COACH
No he's not, he's punching him in the face with an illegal closed fist! Which is worse!

Baron keeps his fist balled up and throws away wrestling conventions as he delivers an eleventh punch. And a twelfth, both measured. However, Mr. Dick suddenly pulls an ace from his sleeve by tipping Baron forwards and causing him to hit his head on the top turnbuckle as he crashes over the top rope and down to the arena floor with a thud!!

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The desperation move allows Mr. Dick to try and clear the cobwebs in the ring, while Baron lays in a heap on the floor.

COLE
Resourceful move from Mr. Dick that may have changed the tide of this match. But I tell you, if he didn't at the start, he sure knows he's in a fight by now.

With the crowd's support Baron is able to drag himself up onto the apron slowly but surely. Mr. Dick comes over to meet him, clubbing him over the ropes with a couple of forearms. Chioda backs Mr. Dick off, but The Human Hard On shrugs past him and delivers a hard right hand of his own, dropping Baron back to the floor.

COACH
Oh, sure, get on Mr. Dick's case for one punch. Nevermind the fifty closed fists Baron's been throwing all match!

Baron is pulled onto the apron by Mr. Dick, who brings his former partner in THE HARD WAY~! with a vertical suplex! Cover by MD...


1...



2...



No!

Starting to pull Baron up, Mr. Dick suddenly has second thoughts, instead mounting Baron and delivering some right hands. Mr. Dick then makes some typically crass gestures over his opponent's face before Baron shoves him off. Both men get to their feet with Baron striking first with some more Texas sized rights, forcing Mr. Dick to go to the eyes to halt the onslaught.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Grabbing Baron by the arm, Mr. Dick sends him off the ropes with an irish whip. Mr. Dick ducks his head for a backdrop which proves a mistake. Putting on the brakes, Baron delivers a forearm to the back, then hooks Mr. Dick up for his own vertical suplex!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

COLE
What a momentum killer this could be for Mister Dick!

COACH
Don't lose faith yet Michael. Mister Dick ALWAYS rises to the occasion!

As Mr. Dick stumbles to his feet, he falls into a corner. Baron lines him up and delivers a big clothesline against the turnbuckles that further knocks the wind out of Mr. Dick. Infact it's just the ropes holding the number one contender up as Baron whips the crowd up in support. The Lonestar Gunslinger delivers a short range elbow to Mr. Dick and then takes off into the ropes. As he rebounds though, Mr. Dick suddenly explodes... into life... and cuts Baron off with a STIFF Kick to the face!!!

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Oh, what a shot!

With Baron down, Mr. Dick tries to capitalise with a quick cover...


1...



2...



No!

Despite the kickout Windels is in bad shape and Mr. Dick is able to apply a rear chinlock, buying himself some time.

COLE
This has been a physical battle, just as we expected from these former friends.

As Mr. Dick lives up to his name with a needless fish-hooking of his opponent, we cut backstage to find OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion Leon Rodez in the In Crowd locker room, following the action closely on a TV monitor with his title belt hung up from the lockers beside him.

COLE
And there you see the World Heavyweight Champion watching on, scouting the man who will challenge him for that title in nine days time. And no doubt routing Baron on also.

COACH
Oh I'm sure he'd love Baron to do him a favour and injure Mr. Dick.

COLE
That's not really what I meant.

COACH
Sure it was, you can admit it. That nice-guy act he had going died with his relationship with Maggie.

Mister Dick lets Baron go and delivers some forearms as Baron climbs to his feet. A knee doubles Baron up, Mr. Dick grabbing onto the waist of Baron's trunks and dragging him forward into a second knee. Finding himself near the ropes Mr. Dick then hangs the neck over the top and chokes Baron.

"ONE!"
"TWO!"
"THREE!"

MR. DICK
C'MON BARON... YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME...

"FOUR!"
"FIV..."

Mr. Dick breaks the choke and gets in the referee's face briefly. He then hits the ropes and with Baron still hung up, a knee to the kidneys finds it's mark.

COLE
Nowhere for Baron to go on that one.

Falling to his knees in pain Baron is placed in a headlock and caught with three short punches by Mr. Dick who then gives the fans the "UP YOURS". And gets about 60 in return. Not bothered, MD whips Baron to the ropes and connects with a standing dropkick! Cover...


1...



2...



Kickout!

COACH
Great extension on that dropkick. Don't worry, I'll call it since you won't. I got your media integrity right here bud!

Mr. Dick swaggers around his fallen opponent a little, clearly delighting in the fact he's got Baron where he wants him. The Cocky Prick mocks the crowd for trying to get behind him and lifts Baron's arm up, letting it drop to the mat and mocking that he's 'gone limp'. Still laughing from that zinger Mr. Dick picks the legs and prepares to lower the boom and just be a dick. Before he can drop the headbutt though, Baron suddenly kicks out and forces MD away with his leg strength! Mr. Dick recovers coming off the ropes though and delivers a stomp which looks suspiciously low!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Come on referee, that's grounds for a disqualification surely!

COACH
Looked okay to me. Good firm kick to the midsection.

COLE
Look at Baron Windels writhing in pain and tell me with a straight face that stomp was in the midsection!

The referee does call Mr. Dick on it but he's typically flippant to the ref and just brushes him off. He picks Baron up, slowly with Baron so rigid in pain, then delivers a Neckbreaker! Dusting his hands The Human Hard On hooks both legs, stacking Baron up...


1...



2...



NO!!

Mr. Dick looks frustrated and stalks around with hands on hips. In the meantime Baron fights to his feet. But Mr. Dick drops him with a clothesline and hooks him up again...


1...



2...



NO!

COLE
It looks like Mister Dick may be getting a little frustrated at not being able to put his one time ally away. You think he's regretting signing up for this 'warm-up' now?

COACH
Hey, it ain't over yet and if Mr. Dick wins, imagine the confidence he's gonna have going into Anglepalooza. Not that he needs more confidence...

COLE
That's for sure. It's still a risk to his confidence, if you ask me.

Picking Baron back up Mr. Dick scowls, starting to rough Baron up a bit. After messing up the hair he goes on to slap him upside the head a couple of times, just mocking his former partner. Mr. Dick then ducks down, looking for the inverted atomic drop to set up the Cock Shock...



...but it's Dickzilla who gets the shock as Baron captures him for a Backslide...


COLE
LOOK OUT!

COACH
NO!


1...




2...



NO!!

COLE
Oh, he almost got caught right there!

A quick boot stops Baron's fightback in it's tracks and Mr. Dick looks relieved before he uncorks a right hand. And another one. Mr. Dick then sets up an irish whip aiming Baron towards the corner, only for it to be reversed and to be sent into the turnbuckles himself. Summoning some strength, Baron charges and tells Mr. Dick to BITE MY SHINY METAL A...


...NO!! Mr. Dick moves and Baron's butt collides with the top turnbuckle instead!

COLE
Mister Dick with that well scouted, that used to be his move once upon a time.

COACH
Yeah, but when you're endowed like Mister Dick, why use your butt as a weapon when you can use your pride and joy?

Looking to make good on that point Mr. Dick gets a run-up on Baron, pausing to go through a quick dick-cupping routine, brother! MD then charges and lunges with the BITE MY GIANT DI...




...CAUGHT!!

COLE
Oh my God!

Taking a step out of the turnbuckles Baron manages to catch Mr. Dick in his arms to the amazement of all. Not least Dickzilla himself. And he carries him into the middle of the ring to deliver a Fallaway Slam!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
What a show of power from the true Lonestar Gunslinger, he just caught Mr. Dick in his arms!

COACH
Better than catching it in the face.

COLE
Would you stop!?

Still hurting from the rigours of the match so far, Baron takes a few seconds, but does eventually crawl over to Mr. Dick and drape himself on top...


1...




2...




SHOULDER UP!

COLE
Wow, only two, the number one contender just able to get that left shoulder up!

COACH
I'm sure Leon's loving this. Watching poor Mister Dick having to fight for his life while he sits and watches his ass grow like all World Champions do.

COLE
He wrestled just last week!

COACH
Oh, so he's done for the month now? Lazy ass World Champs...

Baron hauls himself and Mr. Dick back up, both fatigued. Baron finds the strength to unload a right hand. And then another. And a third. The ref calls for him to open up the fist again, as Baron sends Mr. Dick off the ropes. Coming back, the number one contender is cut down by a big Lariat, Baron leaving his feet and almost taking Mr. Dick's head off in the process! With his opponent down Baron leaves the ring and starts to head to the top rope.

COLE
Baron Windels going up, it may be Clobberin' Time!

Climbing back up, Mr. Dick unknowingly  walks right into the path of the Top Rope Lariat!

COLE
Yes!

Baron makes the cover, leg hooked...


1...




2...




NO!!

COACH
Mr. Dick is one dick that just can't be beat!

Now it's Baron who looks a little frustrated and he looks to the crowd for some inspiration, signalling that it's round-up time.

COLE
Here we go, Baron calling for the finish.

COACH
That doesn't mean anything. Just means he's a lame-ass show-pony.

As Mr. Dick gets to his feet Baron lies in wait, sucking him into a front facelock looking for the Brigham Young Cocktail...


...but Mr. Dick counters with a back bodydrop!

COACH
See.

Baron picks himself up as Mr. Dick comes off the ropes and gets STIFF...



...NO! Baron ducks the kick! Coming to a stop, Mr. Dick turns around into a boot to the gut and gets pulled back into the front facelock by Baron, who leaves the mat... but Mr. Dick counters again, shoving Baron backwards...



...and ALMOST into referee Mike Chioda in the corner! The ref cowers away from the collision as Baron barely puts the brakes on. Even though the referee isn't clattered, he is unsighted though, ALLOWING MR. DICK TO CAPITALISE WITH A LOWBLOW ON BARON!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

COLE
WAIT A MINUTE! NO!

As Baron hunches over, Mr. Dick pulls him onto his shoulders and throws him forward across the knees with the COCK BLOCK before Chioda knows what's happened! The crowd try to fill him in, but all Chioda sees when he turns around is Mr. Dick on top and demanding the count...


1...




2...




3!!!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

COACH
And THAT's why he's the number one contender!

COLE
Damnit, this isn't right!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... MMMMMMIIIIIIISSSSSTTEEEEEERRRRR... DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Rolling out of the ring, Mr. Dick isn't hanging around for any inquiries into his win and leaves with his head and arms held high. In the ring Baron rolls around in pain, both from his stomach and lower. Mr. Dick smirks at getting away with the win and takes great joy in celebrating in a loud and aggressive manner in front of the fans in the aisle.

COLE
Mister Dick, thanks to a lowblow that went undetected by the referee, survives this match. He...

COACH
Yeah yeah, we know, he "STOLE ONE~!" Save it for the post-match investigation. Oh, wait, there ISN'T one, is there!? I guess that means we'll just have to give Mister Dick the win, huh? Another win on the way to the World Heavyweight Championship!

Mr. Dick apprantly agrees, making the "belt motion" around his waist and an only slightly smaller "belt motion" around his dick. Laughing at Baron's misfortune as he rolls over and looks on from the ring, Mr. Dick raises his arms in victory once again.

COLE
I just hope this isn't a sign of things to come at Anglepalooza. Because we've just seen, Mister Dick will go to any lengths to get a victory.

COACH
You're right about one thing. Unlike you, Mister Dick WILL go to any lengths.

COLE
I dread to think what puns I'm going to have to put up with from you at Anglepalooza as well. *sigh* More HeldDOWN when we come back.

LATER TONIGHT
FIRST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION
THE LOVE DOCTORS VS THEODORE MONEYMAKER AND CHRISTIAN WRIGHT
TONIGHT!

*COMMERCIAL BREAK*

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Welcome back to OAOAST HeldDOWN, live from Manchester, New Hampshire. Before the break we saw the number one contender to the World Heayweight Title Mister Dick picking up a victory over former partner Baron Windels, although not without controversy. Standing by right now is our broadcast colleague Josh Matthews and he's with the World Champion.


Cut to the In Crowd locker room to find Josh with Leon Rodez, World Title over his shoulder as he stands with hands on hips.

MATTHEWS
Leon, another win for Mister Dick tonight and more momentum going into next Sunday. Your thoughts?

LEON
Another win for Mister Dick. How can you guys can say that with a straight face, just goes to show the level of professionalism in the OAOAST. Because let's face it, it sounds ridiculous. There's a guy going around calling himself 'Mister Dick' and nobody bats an eyelid. That's professional wrestling for you I guess. You know, there's a lot of buzz lately about the guy. And rightly so. For nearly a year people have been asking, "why does he call himself Mister Dick?" Well the way I see it, there's three reasons.

Leon puts one finger up on his right hand.

LEON
Reason one is he's incredibly annoying. From his obsession with his body, to the voice that could drown out a car alarm, to the ridiculous clothing he wears which I can only assume from how tight they fit were intended for teenage girls. Add to that the fact he's a complete jerk to everyone and he's just really, really annoying. More than that, he's irritating. Try as you might to ignore the guy, he just gets louder and more annoying until you've got no choice but to pay attention. All of which leads me to wonder why he didn't go with his initial idea for a new moniker, 'Jock-Itch'.

Two fingers go up.

LEON
Second reason is he claims to be incredibly well endowed. A lot. You know, personal experience tells me that the guys who make the biggest deal about that kind of thing are over-compensating for something. I wouldn't be surprised if Mister Dick had an obscenely big rifle hung on the wall back at his ranch in Texas, or if he drove a sports car. All I know is, when Melody first heard the phrase "everything's bigger in Texas", she told me she thought it was ironic, that's all I'm gonna say on the matter.

Three fingers up.

LEON
And third and finally, it's because there's no depths he won't stoop to in order to get what he wants. And at AnglePalooza, he wants this... (holds out belt)... which means I'm going to have to be on guard for every cheapshot, every lowblow, every dubious tactic there is in the book.

Putting the belt back over his shoulder, Leon shakes his head.

LEON
If there's one consolation, I guess it's that Malaysia won't be at ringside with him. Lord knows the last thing I need is a Nerdly out there to distract me, right?

MATTHEWS
Indeed.

LEON
Although I think even my charms'd be lost there. And a night with her'd likely be more than my life's worth. But, I digress. The fact is we just saw that Malaysia or no Malaysia, Mister Dick's gonna break whatever rules he so chooses. And if I'm not careful, whether it's a knee in the groin or a foot on the ropes, I could get caught with something and three seconds later it'll be goodbye World Heavyweight Title. Well I'm determined not to let that happen. I've only just begun as World Champion. I'm barely even started making the mark I want to leave on this title. I said after I won the belt that I'd take on any challenger. Big, small, young, old... fair or foul. Mister Dick is a challenge. A different type of challenge. Am I worried by it? No. I'm wary of what he does, I'm aware of the lengths he'll go to. But it's just another challenge I've got to prepare for. And come Sunday night in Seattle, I'll be damned if Mister Dick's going to sneak one over on me like he's done to so many others.

MATTHEWS
Okay, Leon Rodez in defiant mood, he's ready to try and handle the Dick at AnglePalooza...

LEON


MATTHEWS
...let's send it back to ringside with Michael Cole and Coach!


COLE
Leon Rodez and Mister Dick for the World Heavyweight Championship, nine days away at AnglePalooza. And remember, we are just nine days away from the Lethal Rumble Match as well! Stay tuned to OAOAST.com for the latest news of the Lethal Rumble, official participants as they are announced. We've got our first announcements right now as it happens. And the first announcement, a big one for the rest of the Rumble field, because all FIVE members of Cucaracha Internacional are in. That's Six Man Tag Team Champions Nathaniel Black, James Blonde and Faqu, US Champion Todd Cortez and former World Champion Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix, all in the Lethal Rumble.

COACH
5/30. I like those odds!

COLE
...well when you put it that way it's not so great, but in a match where it's every man for himself, it could be a huge advantage for Cucaracha Internacional. Or, with recent tensions, it could go spectacularly wrong! In addition to that, one more name officially in the hat... Bohemoth, "The Meterosexual Monster", who at 6'7 and two hundred, eighty four pounds has to be considered one of the odds on favourites! More announcements in the coming days, stay tuned to OAOAST.com and make sure to tune in to Syndicated this week, Lethal Rumble Qualifying Matches to take place this weekend!

[Chanel #99]

WHO'S NERDLY IS IT ANYWAY?

Its game show time! Krista Isadora Duncan, dressed smashingly in a yellow business suit stands behind the hosts’ podium near a gigantic video screent that reads “WHO’S NERDLY IS IT ANYWAY” The rest of the set seems to be a yellow tinted version of Jeoprady-



KRISTA
Hello those without batteries in their remote and are unable to change the channel to something more thrilling like community access. Welcome to another edition of…

CROWD
WHO’S NERDLY IS IT ANYWAY?

KRISTA
That can’t be right. 1st off there’s no studio audience, so clearly we’re all hearing voices, and second off “another”? This is the first time we’ve ever done the show. Producer, ready my gasoline I have scriptwriters to burn.

MOLLY
I’m awfully sorry, Krista, but I’m afraid you can’t do that. Burnings at the stake were negotiated out of their contract.

KRISTA
Lousy unions and their fight for fair treatment of workers. Do we have floggings then? Prepare my flogging staff! (Krista turns back to the camera with her game show smile) You know something brother…and sister…and friends…and lovers, as a celebrity inundated by questions from people who realize that as a celebrity I inherently know more about politics, religion, culture, and the environment than normal folks. The question I’m most commonly asked by the mentally retarded is how well do I know the Nerdly kids. Well enough to feel somewhat guilty about fantasies that involve dyking them out in mass orgy in their family tool shed. But what I want to know is how well do you know the Nerdlys. Not you personally, please don’t run up to me on the street and tell me Maggie’s zodiac sign. I will pepper spray you. I only care about how will our three lovely contestants know the Nerdlys. They’re here because of their expertise in Nerdly family history and I told them if they didn’t participate I’d kick them all out the house. Introducing first, her goal is to pass out in the restroom of every celebrity owned club in LA County, she is my GFF Alix Maria Spezia!

ALIX
My pact with the devil has eliminated any ability feel guility so I can lezbinate the Nerdly family tree guilt free!

KRISTA
Save some for me, tiger! Chuckle heartily. Crap, I wasn’t supposed to read that, I was just supposed to chuckle heartily. I hate prompters. I’m an ad lib kind of girl in an ad lib kind of world. Contestant number two is the OAOAST’s women’s champion, and my eldest daughter, Jade-Rodez Duncan! Jadey, have you had any lesbian fantasies about any of your little Nerdly friends lately.

JADE
Can’t say that I have. No.

KRISTA
Not a one?

JADE
I had a dream Maggie and I were on a cruise ship with the guy from House. And he was a zombie!

KRISTA
Why god? Why hast thou toremented your humble servant with such disgustingly heterosexual children! On an unrelated note, last but not least, my charming littlest girl, contestant number three, Maya! Wait a tic, isn’t today a school day?

MAYA
I had trigonometry and last week you told me trigonometry is the how our neo-facist oppressors corrupt the purity of our numerical system.

KRISTA
Of all the times to cease your adolescent rebelliousness and listen to me, you pick the time when I’m concussed and uttering insane psycho babble at a mile per second!

MAYA
Because that’s the only time when you say anything that’ll work to my advantage.

KRISTA
Am I just a fountain of rambling parental bullshit to you people?  Of course I am. What’s with all this family drama? You didn’t tune in for 7th Heaven reruns. That’s three channels down the dial. Those of you sticking around let’s see the rules.

-Contestants will be presented with a story about a certain Nerdly-
-After the story is over they will be asked “Who’s Nerdly is it Anyway-
-The first person to guess who the Nerdly in the story was, gets the point-

KRISTA
Amazing, there really are rules. Coherent, sensical, rules. Someone put thought into this. That someone is a moron. Here to present us with a magical story of Nerdly life sure to warm our souls and melt our frigid hearts…Maggie Nerdly!

MAGGIE
What’s up contestants? Its ya girl, Maggie Nerdly. Don’t let the tough macho act fool ya, taking losses was in this Nerdly’s nature. Once way back when she was in college, some dude she was going with made her sleep on the dormitory balcony after an argument while they was having a party. Like he didn't ask her politely or nothing. He screamed on her and she tucked her tail and went on the deck and laid there all night in 10 degree Alberta weather while peeps were getting high and drunk and doing all other foolishness. I think that was the night one of our cousins stole on her man. Then in a separate incident some girls she was cool with got high with her and took her to the middle of nowhere in British Columbia and tied her up to a tree and left her. Who’s Nerdly is it anyway?

BZZZZZZT!

ALIX
Maggie Nerdly!

KRISTA
Two words. Your answer was only two words. Yet I would need a near infinite amount of words to express the sheer, uncensored, unrivialed idiocy behind it.

BZZZZZT!

JADE
Its-

MAYA
Jade’s an awful public speaker. I’ll answer this for her.

JADE
You can’t do that! That’s not how the game works!

MAYA
She stutters and she sweats, and when she sweats her makeup smears. And sometimes all this spit comes flying out her mouth. And if the show is on HD, we’re really gonna every last of drop of salvia perfectly.

JADE
Shut up, that’s not true! Alix, do something!

ALIX
The parole board told me I couldn’t wack children with billy clubs anymore. But, they should no better to vote Miley Cyrus over Selena Gomez on teen people’s hottest starlet!

MAYA
The answer is Malaysia.

DING DING DING!

KRISTA
That was a heart warming tale of pride, sorrow and redemption against all odds. I ask you, good friends, could Chaucer have written it any better. No, because he’s dead, and dead people can’t write. Our next fable of Nerdlydom comes from the pot dealers to the stars, MARV and MEL.

MARV
This an L we don't usually tell due to family secrets and crap, but you gotta hear this…

MEL
This Nerdly chick was down on her luck relationship wise back in I wanna say her sophmore year. She only had one dude who’d really wanna mess with her. But another chick pulled her man and had him with her. So she’s hurting like a mutha for real.

MARV
She found out they were at a Hotel and she jumped in the 91 raggedy ass truck Papa Nerdly got her and drove out there. Didn't know what room they were in so she went from room to room trying to guess. She’s knocking on the wrong doors and rushing in ready to brawl. Then telling people "I’m sorry, wrong room"

MEL
Finally Malay…uh Nerdly Girl gets the right door and knocks on it. This one chick cracks the door and she sees the other chick and her dude fresh out the shower drying off. She tell 'em thru the chained door it's murder. They got the look on. She didn't bust the chain cause she didn't want the invasion charge. So she talks mad shit trying to get dude to open the door.

MARV
They call the cops on her. Po Po show up and cuff her, take her to the car. But they let her go due to seeing how sad she was. So he writing the report up and is about to go. Malay…my sister goes back to the room and this time they open it. She rushes in on dude and start whippin on her ass. Her girlsjumps in and is tagging the back other head. Finally it stings enough where she turns on her. She body slams her and is about to whip on her. She had her heavy leather coat on and all of a sudden the heat hits her. She has a heart attack She’s like absolutely no breath. Chick rolls her over and she and the other girl just take turns whipping on her. When they finish they roll Malaysi....my sister, out the room and slam the door. All she can do is lay there hyperventilating. The police come back and see her and that she’s been fighting. He cuffs her again and takes her to jail. So she’s in jail, beat up, her man still getting tossed up.........she lost. Who’s Nerdly is it anyway?

BZZZZZT!

MAYA
The answer is…

ALIX
Its cute that little baby can press her widdle baby button. Good job widdle bunny foo foo! But, why don’t you leave this one to the grown up? The college educated grown up. I believe the Nerdly Girl you’re looking for is…Mariah Carey.

KRISTA
Maya, Jade, your mother is going to commit suicide someday. This is your chance to delay that suicide by 0.12 seconds.

BZZZZZZT!

MAYA
Malaysia!

DING DING DING!

ALIX
All this talk about Malaysia makes me think of my little sister. We used to always like make fun of her and stuff, and I kinda feel bad now.

KRISTA
Your little sister happily breast fed on the milk of satan, then regurgitated that milk into tiny cartons for distribution during lunch hour at inner city school’s. She’s a jerk. People don’t just dump their children in dark windowless basements full of leather toys and rats to be abused and mutilated because they didn’t have enough super Nintendo controllers. They do it because in the 9th months of pregnancy they somehow failed to find a decent abortion doctor. Or an exorcist to expunge the demon from their womb.

ALIX
I know, I know. But its like a sad, sad, throw away world we live in. Its like do we abandon someone just because they don’t fit our picture perfect lifestyle anymore? Because they’ve got to be like a burden and stuff on us.  Oh, crap, that reminds me, make sure I call the doctor, and let him know to pull the plug on my grandfather.

JADE
What? Your grandfather is in great shape. Didn’t he just run a 2K marathon?

ALIX
Old people are creepy, and kinda gross. And when they smile, you kinda see their veins and blue stuff in their face, and some people have told me those are the souls of all the children they’ve eaten.

KRISTA
The opinions of Alix Maria Spezia, in no way shape or form, reflect those of this broadcast station and its executives. We respect all those making their slow and painful crawl to their inevitably lonely death and wish them will in their after life in the pits of hell. Moving on, our crack production team, named as such because they’re clearly on crack, have prepared this cracky crackin video for us. Roll it!

MOLLY
During her eighth grade year, one of my sister’s had a gigantic crush on a rather attractive boy in her class. It was mostly an unrequited love until Valentine’s Day when the young boy stunned her with a request to be her valentine. How exciting, she must’ve thought to herself! But, her answer merely came out as a mumbled “umm, umm.” Even more humiliating was that the object of her love said “just kidding” and retrated to have a good laugh with his friends. A nearby girl, a popular cheerleader sort, felt sorry for my sister and offered her a comforting hug. When my sister approached, the popular girl slapped her across the cheek and walked away laughing. Who’s Nerdly Is It Anyway?

KRISTA
Oh, honey, this is too much for my bladder. I have painful urinary syndrome, you see. It’s a real disease and we will be silenced no longer! Regardless, I pose to you, who’s Nerdly is it anyway?

BZZZZZZZZT!

JADE
Malaysia?

KRISTA
Judges?

MOLLY
Terribly sorry, Krista, but there are no judges.

KRISTA
Oh, honey, that’s absurd. Who’s the guy sleeping over at the judges table. His crack sandwhich and half empty bottle of Wild Turkey makes him perfectly qualified for prime time game show television.

MOLLY
That’s simply the hobo who squats in this studio. He attempted to stab me when I kindly asked him to depart.

JADE
What is that smell?

ALIX
He told me he’s retaining his urine and feces so the Jews won’t get it.

KRISTA
Money, Woody Allen movies, Pyschotherapy, and homeless person poop. These are a few of our favorite things. Now its time for our bonus round! Sadly I don’t mean bonus by this miserable segment dying the death it so obviously deserves. I mean-

VOICE
Heheheheh.

JADE
What’s going on?

MOLLY
Malaysia? Are my ears cheated by some spell? How did you get here-

MALAYSIA (O.S.)
Shut up, Molly! Krista, you really think this is going to stop me? My weak brothers and sisters telling lies about me is supposed to hurt the Deadliest combination of beauty and beatdowns? I’m not like the others. I can’t be stopped just because you made fun of me. I’m past listening to your words. They don’t hurt me like they hurt everyone else. I love it when you talk. I love your sultry, sexy, California accent. I don’t want to make you shut up, I want you to keep talking. I like these things you do. Don’t you see, it turns me on? You’re so proud, and haughty, you’re the kind of girl I like to break. You’re the type who thinks you can handle the pain, and you won’t become putty in my hand. That’s wrong. All wrong! You’ll bend to my will, Krista. I know it. You’ll breakdown and you’ll beg me for mercy like all the others. Say what you want in your skits and interviews, but I know how it’ll really be. You’ll be writhing in ecstasy, crying in agony, and pleading with me to let you cum. Let me give you just a little taste of what I mean.

From out nowhere Malaysia rushes onto the set. Despite hearing her voice and her threat, Krista can’t prepare for the dominatrix’s arrival and is speared through the video screen!

JADE
Mom!

Her family instantly rushes to her aid, and Molly calls for paramedic’s assistance.

MALASYIA
Just a little taste of what’s to come at Anglepalooza. HAHAHAHHAA!

FADE OUT

COMING UP NEXT
1ST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION
JUMBO AND DEUCE VS JAMES BLONDE AND FAQU
NEXT!

[Chanel #99]

The scene opens, showing us a sunny day. We're at a park somewhere, and it could be Anywhere, USA. The sun is shining, the wind is barely blowing, and the sound of kids playing fills the air. That's when a voice is heard off camera.

"This is what my life is like now."

The camera zooms in on a little girl, trotting around the park, running up towards the camera, holding a flower and handing it to the person off screen.

"Oh, for me? Thank you sweetie!"

The little girl beams, and goes exploring, walking a few feet away. That's when the camera turns and shows up CANDIE, and it's obvious now that the little girl is the daughter of she and Zack Malibu.

"Alison, all this, this is everything you ever wanted. You wanted Zack's love at one time. You wanted to be the woman by his side. You didn't want the wrestling business, but don't lie and say that you didn't want Zack. Don't say that he pushed you away. YOU ran away. You abandonded him, and honestly I should thank you for it, because it opened his heart up to me. He has been my rock, he has protected me, and he has made sure that our daughter have everything she needs in life."

Candie walks along, with the camera following her, so that she can stay close to her little girl.

"You were an afterthought, not just in the OAOAST, but in Zack's life. A name never mentioned, a face never remembered. Then you come back claiming to be a woman scorned, claiming that Zack ruined your life, when just the opposite was true. YOU brought HIM down. You abandoned him, because when he wouldn't abandon his dream, his LIFE, for YOU, you couldn't handle that. You became selfish and self-absorbed. There are many nights where I pray for Zack, where I can't accept what he puts himself through on a nightly basis for this company, but I would never stop him from doing this. I have watched him come home so sore that he can't even make it into bed. I've tended to his wounds. I have been threatened and made a pawn in the games of his enemies many times. I was threatened while cradling a newborn in my arms. It's YOU though, Alison, that's bringing me back to the ring. For one night only, I'll assume the role of an active OAOAST superstar, for one reason only. To get YOU out of my life, out of Zack's life, and back to being the footnote that you were! It's so funny that you namedrop me, verbally attack me and our daughter, simply to get a rise out of Zack. To get him to lose his cool so that it's easier for Moneymaker to get to him. It's funny that you do all that, not realizing that you're just a pawn yourself. You claim to be a strong, independed woman now, but you didn't come back on your own. You were BROUGHT back, bought to come out of hiding as a gigantic middle finger to the man I love. Now, the middle finger is pointing right back at you, Alison. You're going away, PERMANENTLY, at Anglepalooza."

Candie walks away from the camera, scooping her baby girl up in her arms and swinging her around, drawing a cute laugh out of the youngster, as we go back to the arena, where Jumbo and Deuce are circling the ring, high-fiving fans.

COLE
And welcome back, folks, we're set for Anderson Cup action, it's the 4-5 matchup in the Los Infernales bracket!  You see Jumbo and Deuce right now, they are the 5 seed, their opponents, the 4 seed, are in the ring, representing Cucaracha Internacional, James Blonde and Faqu!

As Deuce and Jumbo start to enter the ring, the camera cuts to Blonde and Faqu in the ring waiting.  Jumbo and Deuce step into the ring, and the referee calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

Blonde and Jumbo start off, and Blonde goes in for a tieup.  Jumbo promptly shoves him off into a corner, then struts as the crowd cheers him on.

COACH
James doesn't want to do that!

Blonde stays on one knee in the corner, sizing Jumbo up, then moves in again slowly.  He reaches out, then pokes the big man in the eye.

COACH
There we go!  Good move!

Blonde then attempts a top wristlock, which Jumbo quickly powers out of, sending Blonde across the ring once again.

COACH
...not so good move.

This time, Jumbo follows Blonde into the corner, where Blonde delivers a shot to the gut, then some kicks to the midsection.  He attempts an Irish whip, but Jumbo reverses, then catches Blonde as he bounces out with a clothesline!  Faqu steps into the ring, and gets caught with a clothesline, as well!

COLE
And Faqu gets caught coming in!

Deuce steps into the ring, and clotheslines Blonde to the floor!  Deuce then grabs Faqu and whips him into the ropes, joining up with Jumbo for a DOUBLE BIG BOOT~!  Faqu rolls out of the ring, as the fans applaud Deuce and Jumbo!

COLE
And Jumbo and Deuce standing tall in the ring!  A surprising start to this match, I have to say!

COACH
You're not kidding!  Blonde and Faqu better quit messin' around!

Faqu slides in with Jumbo, and engages in a slugfest.  Faqu gets the better of the exchange, and sends Jumbo reeling into a corner with a headbutt.  He then charges into the corner, but Jumbo moves out of the way!

COLE
Nobody home for Faqu!

Jumbo makes a tag to Deuce, and holds Faqu from behind, as Deuce lays in some forearms.  Deuce then wrings the arm of Faqu, and delivers some shots to the arm, before whipping him into a corner.  He charges for an AVALANCHE~!, but Faqu moves out of the way, and tags Blonde back in.  Blonde delivers some kicks in the corner, then brings Deuce out and whips him into the ropes.  However, Blonde puts his head down, and Deuce gets a kick in!

COLE
Mistake there by James Blonde, putting his head down!

However, Deuce then charges, and Blonde drops down, with Deuce tumbling over the top and crashing down to the floor!

COACH
But he had enough presence of mind to dodge that one, and now Deuce is in trouble!

Blonde distracts the referee, as Faqu drops to the floor, and shoves Deuce into the steel steps!  Faqu then rolls Deuce back inside, and Blonde tags him in.

COLE
Faqu doing damage on the floor, and now he's going to pick up the scraps!

Blonde and Faqu send Deuce into the ropes, and floor him with a double clothesline!

COACH
Faqu's going to feast on this!

Faqu drops a headbutt on the mat to Deuce, then picks him up, and starts laying in chops and kicks.

COLE
I'll tell you what, Deuce looks really out of his wits in there, he may have hit his head on the way out of the ring or something!

COACH
Or maybe when he went into the steps!

Faqu backs off, and floors Deuce with a big thrust kick!  He then tags Blonde back in, and knocks Jumbo off the apron, as Blonde connects with a LIONSAULT~!!!

1...




2...




3!!!

*DING DING DING*

COLE
And Cucaracha advances!  A decisive victory!

BUFFER
The winners of the match...the team of JAMES BLONDE and FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

COLE
Deuce must have really got hurt out there, Coach!

COACH
Yeah, I don't like the guy, but you'd expect more of a fight out of the big man!

As Blonde and Faqu celebrate in the aisle, Jumbo and the referee check on Deuce, who sits up slowly, then is helped to his feet and towards the back as the crowd applauds.

[Chanel #99]

We cut quickly to the back, where Theodore Moneymaker is IRATE~!, kicking in the door of Josie's office IN ANGER~!

JOSIE
What the hell do you think you're doing?

MONEYMAKER
ME!? What do I think I'M DOING? What about you, with your backdoor dealings with Malibu? Just what do you think you're doing?

JOSIE
Just when did you think that YOU had control over this company? I know they say that if you tell yourself a lie long enough eventually it becomes a truth and you believe it, but the last time I checked, I was the one in charge, Moneymaker. I am the final word, NOT you.

MONEYMAKER
You ungrateful bitch. I'm the one looking to turn this company around, and then you stab me in the back. I was willing to support you, offer you a stable of workers at your disposal to do your bidding. As much money as you needed to run this place as you see fit, and THIS is how you repay me?

JOSIE
Repay you? It's keeping Malibu out of the title race, isn't it?

Moneymaker stops his tirade, as if a lightbulb has just gone off over his head.

JOSIE
Ready to calm down now? Look, first of all, I never signed any deal with you. Anything more was stritcly implied. We might have mutual feelings about a lot of people on this roster, but again, I'M the one with the final say when it comes to the roster dealings. Now, I know what you're thinking. A Survive Or Surrender match is a last resort for this. I am tired of the two of you bitching at each other back and forth like catty schoolgirls...I've got enough of THEM on my roster, so I certainly don't need two of my top talents acting like that! Your whole problem with Zack is that you don't want him to maintain a hold on this place, something that he's always been able to do, and something that would only be furthered by another title reign. So we've cut him off before he can even get close. He's not in the Rumble, he's in the match with YOU...and if you want to tear the heart out of the OAOAST by taking Zack out, Survive or Surrender is YOUR chance just as much as it is Zack's.

MONEYMAKER
You have strange ways of showing your appreciation, Josie.

JOSIE
Maybe...but they're are better ways of making this company money and keeping us in the red.

Moneymaker is tense, and stares Josie down for a moment.

MONEYMAKER
All this...it ends at Anglepalooza, you hear me? I don't want any regrets from ANYONE when Zack Malibu is gone from this company.

JOSIE
You want to usher in the new era, you do it inside that cage.

MONEYMAKER
Oh, it'll be done. Mark my words, it WILL be done. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!

Moneymaker, now pleased with the opportunity he's getting, cackles loudly as he turns and slams the door. Once that door shuts though, Josie sits back down and smirks, mumbling under her breath...

JOSIE
I'M the power around here.

FADE OUT.

OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE
LIVE FROM DODGER STADIUM IN LOS ANGELES
***FEATURING***
WRESTLER OF THE YEAR KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN COMPETING FOR THE WORLD TITLE
SECOND ROUND ANDERSON CUP MATCHES
AND MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE
January 29th 2009
OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN Is Brought To You By...

Brand new at OAOAST.com
ZERO HOUR 2008~! on DVD!




Featuring:
The Entire Show, in Technicolor!
Plus:

• Bonus Audio Commentary Track- Featuring Melody Nerdly, Josh Matthews and various special guests
• Show Before The Show Match: James Blonde vs. Jamie O'Hara
• The Recording Of The Zero Hour Opening Hijinks
• Post Match Interviews w/Reject and Thunderkid, Jade Rodez-Duncan, Megan Skye, Krista Isadora Duncan, Mr. Dick, Brock Ausstin, Sandman9000, Alfdogg, Tha Puerto Rican
• Pre Show Interviews w/Team Heyross, Mr. Dick
• The HeldDOWN PoseDOWN- (HeldDOWN~!, 9/18)
• Thunderkid and Reject vs. Team Heyross- (HeldDOWN~!, 9/7)
• Alfdogg vs. Colombian Heat- (HeldDOWN~!, 9/18)
• Exclusive OAOAST No Homo Video Game Trailer
  

ORDER NOW!

CUE: Some random techno song.

TWO HOMELY LOOKING GIRLS are making their way down the ramp.  Dressed in too-short skirts for their cellulose infested legs and too-low tops for their veiny, orange-tanned breasts.  Their hair is immediately disconcerting as they’ve put a lot of effort into trying to cover up its dyed-too-many-times damage.

Coach:  Who have we here?

Cole:  They look familiar… like a half remembered nightmare.

Coach:  A sexy one!

They hit the ring and do their best to pose.

The music dies down and the lights come up.  They’re each given a mic by a cautious ring official.

MINDY:  Hi!  I’m Mindy!

CINDY:  And I’m Cindy!

MINDY:  We’re from Ring-Dash-Rat-Dash-Heaven Dot Com!

CINDY:  And we’re here to announce this year’s Ring Rat World Champion of the Year Award!

MINDY:  This is a very pri… pres…

CINDY:  Important!

MINDY:  Award!  The HOT girls at Ring-Dash-Rat-Dash-Heaven Dot Com collaborated over expensive wine and a bubble bath before having a live webcam pillow fight to decide this year’s winner!

CINDY:  And here he is!

CUE:  Rebirthing by Skillet

LUNAR PHOENIX is on the stage to a chorus of BOOOS!  He’s dressed in a suit with sun glasses.

Mindy and Cindy ignore the boos and clap, enthralled by their champ.

BACKSTAGE:  Black Widow watches, clearly unhappy.

IN THE RING:

Phoenix turns and bows to them.  A ring official passes a mic to him.

Phoenix:  Ladies, ladies!

They surround him and kiss him on the cheek, making sure to bend down so their boobies are on display for the camera.  Phoenix’s face is mock surprised.

Cole:  I just… damn it, Coach, they’re so familiar!

Coach:  The girls or the breasts?

Cole:  All six!

The same ring official appears at the turnbuckle with what appears to be a folded up gold belt.  Cindy takes it.

Phoenix grins from ear to ear.

MINDY:  On behalf of Ring-Dash-Rats-Dash Heaven Dot Com, we hereby award you our coveted CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!

Cindy unfurls the shiny new strap.

Phoenix lifts his arms, a smug grin on his face.

Cindy puts it around his waist, going around to buckle it.  Suddenly, Phoenix JUMPS, SURPRISED – she goosed him!

Cole:  Haha!  Honk, honk to the badonkadonk!

BACKSTAGE:  Widow walks away from the monitor, disgusted.

Coach:  Uh-oh.  Looks like Widow’s not happy.

Cole:  Bitches be trippin’, Coachman.

Suddenly, the arena goes dark, VIOLINS SOUNDING.

CUE:  Remember the Name by Fort Minor

Cole:  Business is about to pick up!

Coach:  Oh shit!

HULE “THE NAME” BARTOWSKI is at the top of the stage –

BIG POP FROM THE CROWD!

Dressed in a much nicer, better tailored suit, Hule is also sporting a sling over his arm.

Cole:  Hule Bartowski, the new kid in town, sidelined by an injury to his shoulder via Phoenix’s VICIOUS tactics last week.

Coach:  And he doesn’t seem to know when to quit.

IN THE RING: Phoenix glares, pushing Mindy and Cindy behind him.

Hule makes his way down, stopping to high five some fans with his good arm.

Cole:  The fans seem to have rallied behind this young gun.

Hule is given a mic by some other random official before he walks up the steps into the ring.  He eases through the ropes and walks right up to Phoenix.

Silence.

STAREDOWN.

The fans are making quite a ruckus.

Coah:  Sounds like the fans want a throwdown!

HULE:  What.  The Hell.  Is that?

He points to the bizarre championship belt.

PHOENIX:  Success, kid!  Gold.  Something you’ve never seen.

HULE:  You count a cheap ass belt from Wrasslin Dash Hoes Dot Com as success?

The crowd, along with Cole and Coach, starts laughing.

Mindy and Cindy are offended.  They cross their arms in the, “No, this fucker DIDN’T” way.

Phoenix shrugs it off.

PHOENIX:  Stand back for a second and watch.  I’m taking this opportunity to announce a program.  Hey, maybe a program you could benefit from!  See, Lunar Phoenix is a name recognized worldwide – it’s one of the names, you might say.  And as such, I’m announcing an opportunity for young, up and coming performers.  Except for you, of course.  It’s called, “Phoenix Brand Wrestling.”  Young blood can come, join up with me and have access to my experience and connections.  I’ll take care of them, put them through their paces, make sure they earn their spot.

HULE:  You’re delusional, ‘Nix.  You’ve lost your mind!

PHOENIX:  In case you didn’t notice, I locked your shit down last week, buddy.  Don’t you have rehab or surgery or something to go do?

Hule smiles.

HULE:  Nah.  See, Phoenix, I paid a visit to the doc this week.  And he gave me the best news he possibly could.  This injury I earned myself, well, it’s going to be healed just in time!

Phoenix is intrigued.

PHOENIX:  Just in time for what?

HULE:  Just in time… for Anglemania.

BIG POP~!

PHOENIX:  Wait, wait, wait.  Whoa – are you suggesting that I book myself against some rookie at the biggest show of the year this far in advance?!

HULE:  Unless you’re as much of a rank bitch as your esteemed colleagues here.

CROWD:  OOOOOOOH!

PHOENIX:  Please.  Though if you play your cards right, maybe I’ll throw one of my young guns up against you.  So you can practice against real athletes.

HULE:  Fine.  But have fun in the back when all the boys see that you’re afraid to face a rookie.

Cole:  True.  I know all about those crazy hazing rituals.

Coach:  That reminds me, man, did you ever find the Preparation H you asked me about?

Phoenix gazes at the stage and the curtain leading to the back.

BACKSTAGE:  Some of the boys watching the monitors are snickering.

Phoenix thinks it over.

PHOENIX:  I’m not afraid of anything, Rook.  If you’re that desperate for an ass kicking, I’ll give you one.

The crowd is HAPPY with where this is going…

PHOENIX:  On one condition.

HULE:  Name it.

PHOENIX:  You have to win THREE high profile matches of my choice between now and Anglemania.  If you win all three, you’re golden.  Me and you on the biggest stage in the business!

Coach:  Phoenix finally grows a pair!  

HULE:  Done!

PHOENIX:  Whoa, partner.  If you lose… you forfeit the remainder of your contract and you go back to the minors for the rest of your career!

Cole:  Big stakes from the former tag champion.

Coach:  Name better hope Phoenix doesn’t pull his old standby out of mothballs.  No rookie should have to go into Stairway to Oblivion.

Hule gets nose to nose, eye to eye.

HULE:  DONE.

Hule throws the mic down as his music starts.  He turns to leave the ring.

Phoenix takes his belt off and holds it up, proudly, to a rather vocal “YOU SUCK” chant.

PHOENIX:  Oh, and Name?

Hule turns –

BELT SHOT BY PHEONIX!

HULE IS DOWN!  BUSTED OPEN!


Mindy and Cindy rally around their champion as he stands over the bleeding Bartowski.

Slowly, triumphantly, the Ring Rat Heaven Dot Com Champion raises his new belt in victory, smiling.

LATER TONIGHT
ANDERSON CUP 1ST ROUND ACTION
THE LOVE DOCTORS VS THEODORE MONEYMAKER AND CHRISTIAN WRIGHT
TONIGHT!

[Chanel #99]

As we return to the most intense action this side of an X rated movie, Duran Duran's latest hit, "Nite Runner" brings out the pair of dancers that we saw last week, shaking their moneymakers (no pun intended) and luring the OAOAST's newest superstar into the arena!

COLE
Last week we witnessed the debut of one of the oddest characters to set foot in an OAOAST ring.  His name is DJ GIANT JESUSand all we know about him at this point is that he's big and he likes to dance!

Standing at the entrace, DJ Giant Jesus raises his arms up in the air, as the duo of dancers bend over and shake their bottoms at his nether region.  They move to the side as he begins walking down the aisle, and then the two sandwich him, one on each side, as they do a little dirty dance train down to the ring!

COACH
This guy gets more action in the aisleway than you've gotten since college, Mikey!

COLE
Never mind me, lets worry about James Riggs being ready for action tonight, as this match was a special request on his part.  He felt that he wasn't prepared for DJ Giant Jesus last week, and he immediately went to Josie Baker and demanded that he get this past week to prepare for the rematch!

The dancers each hop up on the apron, and then DJ Giant Jesus reaches up from the floor, grabbing the top rope and using it to pull himself up onto the apron.  As he steps over the top rope, Riggs pounces, rushing him and hammering the barrell chest of the big man with multiple forearm shots just as the bell sounds!

DING!  DING!  DING!

Having now stepped into the ring, DJ Giant Jesus continues to approach Riggs, each forearm shot bounding off his chest and showing no effect.  Giant Jesus reaches out and grabs Riggs by the throat, and hoists him off his feet!  Riggs' eyes bug out as he dangles in the air, and is then tossed to the canvas by the gargantuan dance machine!

COLE
Think Riggs is going to fair any better tonight, Coach?

COACH
I'm having my doubts, Mikey.

Riggs rolls to his feet, furious, and charges the giant...actually, it's more like he charges right into a big boot, as he runs right into the giant's gigantic foot!  Riggs rolls on the canvas, and DJ Giant Jesus takes this time to do THE SPRINKLER~!, drawing a loud pop from the fans!

COLE
Have you ever seen anything like this in your life!?!?

Riggs, wobbly as he stands, nearly falls over.  Luckily for him, DJ Giant Jesus is there to catch him.  Unfortunately for him, he's caught and then lifted across Giant Jesus' shoulders, and the big man walks to the center of the ring with Riggs in torture rack position, then flips him to the canvas with his inverted FU manuever!

COACH
Remember what you just asked me, Mikey Cole?  I'm gonna have to say no.

Riggs is motionless on the canvas, and DJ Giant Jesus uses his big foot to roll his unconscious body over, then puts a foot on his chest for a pin.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING!  DING!  DING!

"Nite Runner" hits again, and in all honesty the song is probably longer in length than the match.  The dancers climb up on either side of the apron, and as James Riggs is rolled into a corner, DJ Giant Jesus does a little cabbage patch before throwing his arms up in the air, again shouting "DISCO!  DISCO!" in celebration.

COLE
He's big, he's bad, and he's got moves!  DJ Giant Jesus is here in the OAOAST, and is up to 2-0 in the record books.  As for James Riggs, well, it seems that he wasn't as prepared as he needed to be!

The dancers again hold the ropes for the giant, but DJ Giant Jesus still just steps over the top rope, just as he entered the ring.  He hops down to the floor and walks to the back, his imposing figure and winning ways already starting to impress the OAOAST fanbase.

[Chanel #99]

"Getting Away With Murder" brings the fans to their feet, as it can only mean one thing...that the Franchise of the OAOAST is heading to the ring!

COLE
It was last week that we witnessed the shocking return of CWM, who claimed that Zack Malibu was disgracing the legacy of the OAOAST and his fellow Originals, then took Theodore Moneymaker up on his offer to eliminate Zack. Zack Malibu was able to defeat CWM, and after the match an equally shocking turn of events took place, as Zack revealed to the world that he went to Josie, the General Manager, and opted to remain out of the Lethal Rumble and thus forsake a chance at an OAOAST World Title shot so that he can get his hands on Theodore Moneymaker in a Survive Or Surrender match at Anglepalooza!

COACH
Don't forget about the women, Mikey Cole. Candie's comin' back for a piece of Alison's ass!

COLE
The only reason you said that is so you could mention Alison's ass, isn't it?

COACH
Well...yeah.

Greeted warmly by the fans, Zack slaps a few hands on his way to the ring, before climbing into the squared circle for a vintage Zack Malibu promo.

"ZACK!"
"ZACK!"
"ZACK!"

MALIBU
Last week, it certainly wasn't a night that I expected to have in my hometown. I didn't expect CWM to show up out of nowhere, and I didn't expect him to try to strike a deal with Theodore Moneymaker to put me out of the OAOAST. Even though I got through that match, it was still a night of surprises, and something that I was fortunate enough to survive with no preperation. Now, on that same wavelength, it was a night of surprises for Theodore Moneymaker, and actually for you fans as well, because after I rattled Richie Rich's jaw with a School's Out, I let him know what he was in for come Anglepalooza. Because I have HAD IT with the finger pointing and the sneak attacks. Theodore Moneymaker has gotten cheap wins or just upped and walked away from me one too many times. His Enterprise, his association with Alison, and his vendetta against me have brought me to the last resort...Survive Or Surrender.

The crowd buzzes, as every fan in attendance knows what that means.

MALIBU
I know what many of you are thinking. The first time we had one of those matches, I lost my World Title to Crystal, and surrendered, just as the name states. The second time I won a war, but barely won the battle. The feud with Bruce Blank nearly cost me my life, quite literally, and I think all will remember that as a very dark period in the OAOAST. Now, Moneymaker, the third time isn't likely to be a charm for you. When those four chain linked walls come down around this ring, it's just you and I. The referee isn't going to call for a rope break, or count you out of the ring, or disqualify you for jamming a thumb into my eye. All he's going to do is stand there and watch up beat each other from post to post, across the ring, on the floor, watching as our blood...and there WILL be blood...stains the canvas and the metal that encases us. He'll be there as I rake your face against the cage wall. He'll be there when I lock you in a submission and cause the muscles in your body to pull and tear. He will be there holding a microphone right up to your mouth, letting every grunt and groan of agony be heard in the arena and across the world on pay per view! Survive or Surrender is VIOLENCE, plain and simple. Your Enterprise won't be able to run in and pull you out of the ring. Alison won't be able to distract the referee to let you get a cheap shot off. Finally, after months of talking and running and squeezing out the cheap victories, it's you and me. Anglepalooza will be my redemption, Moneymaker, for letting you take it this far. I have stood in this ring many times stating that I would do whatever it took to prove that you are no good for this company. Your dirty money isn't enough to run this place, and what you've done to Anglesault, to Krista, the Beverly Hills Blondes...every person on this roster that you've crossed, whether they consider me a friend or foe, will enjoy what I'm going to do to you. You're going to pay the OAOAST back not in money, but in blood, and in humility. The proud man with the fat wallet and the entourage of yes men and women will finally be forced to admit that he's not what he claims to be. A great in ring talent? You are, absolutely. A shrewd businessman? Beyond a shadow of a doubt. What you are not, though, is a Franchise, Theodore Moneymaker. You are not the face of this company. Money and merchandise and ticket sales and these fans, yes, these things keep the OAOAST going, but above all else it is the HEART of this company that has kept it going for SEVEN YEARS. Men like CWM, who may not like me and I may not like them, at least have put their heart into this company. Talking of an OAOAST legacy isn't just talk, it is truth. Because the heart of this company was pumped full of the blood of Zack Malibu and CWM and Alfdogg and Tony Brannigan and Jingus and Anglesault and God help me Stephen Popick. This company grew and grew the more blood that was pumped into it, the blood of Leon Rodez and Sly Sommers, and Bohemoth and Krista and Alix and Tim Moysey and Northstar and Austin Baker and on and on and on it goes...except for YOU. YOU'RE trying to take all that away. YOU'RE trying to disregard a foundation that was built, a support system unlike no other for YOUR personal gain, when in reality the only thing you have gained is the fury and hatred of a man who WILL NOT REST UNTIL YOU SURRENDER! Don't tell me to expect a war, Moneymaker, because I already do. I think it's YOU who doesn't realize what you're in for. Anglepalooza is the Final Chapter, and whether it's you or I who walks away is yet to be seen. All I know is that YOU don't have the heart for it!

Malibu, done with his rebuttal to Moneymaker's fury over the match, drops the mic in the ring, exiting to the sounds of Papa Roach. Heading up the aisle, Malibu pauses about halfway up, looking around at his fans and soaking in the cheers.

COLE
Strong words from Zack Malibu...a very determined Zack Malibu, as he is sacrificing a chance to be back on top as World Champion in an effort to end his extensive, extremely personal war with Theodore Moneymaker!

COACH
It remains to be seen if he can do it, Mikey. Words are one thing, but once they're both inside that cage and cut loose, it could go either way, and I know who I got my money on!

COLE
Your money or the money from your grandmother's cookie jar?

COACH
Hey! Watch it man, she might be watchin'!




Lethal Rumble match; winner receives OAOAST Title shot at AngleMania VIII
LIVE! SUNDAY NIGHT, JANUARY 25th EXCLUSIVELY ON PAY-PER-VIEW

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT

ENTERPRISE VICE
Cabo San Lucas Edition
A Theodore Moneymaker Production
Filmed with Theodore Moneymaker's Siclopse

STARRING


CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN AS THE GRIZZLED VETERAN


TANGO BOSLEY AS THE HOTHEADED DETECTIVE

AND


INSPECTOR NERDLY AS THE ROOKIE

TAPED EARLIER THIS WEEK

The bikini clad Morgan Nerdly lounges on a beach chair with an untouched sandwhich sitting next to her. A few inches away, an overworked pool hand, no older than fourteen, scrubs the deck. She notices his exhaustion and feels a pang of sorrow.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Are you hungry? Do you want this sandwhich? Here have it. Go ahead, its okay.

Morgan passes the young man her sandwhich. He nods his heartfelt gratitude, but then quickly scurries away due to the intimidating sight of Detective Bosley approaching. The topless officer flexes his muscles  and grins over his ability to scare away young teenagers.

BOSLEY
Ha-ha! Mexico, baby! Its been too long, man, too long for the both of us. Mexico is like a woman. It ain’t like a good one, or a great one or nothing. Its like a woman you love. Not me though, I don’t got nothing but the back of my hand for the bitches. But, Mexico, man, you love her, you hate her, you let her rip your heart out and stomp on all your dreams. I love this place! This place is real fuckin’ life! This your first time here?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Yeah. With ten kids in the family, vacations are pretty hard to swing. Its like a journey to the center of the earth just going to Burger King. We never really went anywhere. Sometimes MARV and MEL would have a hockey tournament in some hick town. I don’t know, I guess some hick town had to be better than our hick town, but I never went. I wanted to go, but they never took me. They always said “Next time Morgan. Next time.”

BOSLEY
My dad used to come home piss ass drunk at three in morning and drag me outta bed, and he just used to kick crap outta me. I’m talking just layin waste to me. One day I decided I was gonna stand up to the old man, clean his clock. I laid beneath those covers with a knife, I was gonna make confetti outta him. When he came, I lunged for him. He caught my hand and threw that knife to the ground. Then he handed me a gun and said “Son, if you’re gonna do something, do it right.” My pops was a moron and a drunk, but that’s the greatest lesson anyone ever taught me. The Alpha Dog finds life lessons where a fool can’t. That’s some real knowledge.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
You didn’t shoot him did you?

BOSLEY
Stupid mick bastard, forget to load the thing.

The scene switches to one nearby, with CPA holding up a picture of Los Diablos to a hotel pool boy.

CPA
You seen any one of these two guys?

MAN
No.

CPA (surprised)
No?

MAN
Once…don’t remember when.

CPA
Don’t remember when? I don’t buy that.  If I saw a little guy with a pink cape and devil horns I’d remember it like I remember my first hand job.

MAN (fearfully)
I have not seen them. I am sorry, friend. Please go now.

CPA
You think things are bad with me. See those two gringos over there? Things can get a whole lot worse. The guy over there, is the craziest mofo I’ve ever met. The girl? She packs a stun gun that could fry the organs of an elephant. If I go back to them with nothing, they’re gonna come to you with something. Something you won’t like.

MAN
I don’t want trouble.

CPA
Don’t make me bring you none.

MAN
I…I…have sometimes heard you can find them at the Cap San Giovanni. You did not get this from me.

CPA
I never even talked to you.

CPA grunts a dimissial at the frightened pool boy, and the kid hurries off. With his helpful info, CPA returns to his VICE mates. IN and Bosley greet their arriving compatriot. IN offers him a warm smile, while Bosley gives him a ridiculous, and overly convoluted handshake.

BOSLEY
Mac daddy in da house!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Hi, Chris, what did you find?

CPA gives his partners as a wide a smile as his stoic demeanor can manage.

CPA
Just what we came here for.

BOSLEY
Aw Hell yeah! Let’s get those punks!

ENTERPRISE VICE RETURNS AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL MESSAGES

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT.

ENTERPRISE VICE RETURNS



The scene is the Capo San Giovanni, an exquisite restaurant which is currently empty besides its pudgy Italian American owner scrubbing down a few tables.  The beach outfit clad VICE enters, barely registering on the owner’s radar.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
This place is gorgeous. When I think of Mexican food, all I picture is that Taco Bell where Abdullah found a rat in his beef burrito in fifth grade.

OWENER
We’re closed.

Morgan shrugs her shoulders and continues walking towards the owner.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
That’s too bad. I wanted to try the rat burrito I’ve been missing all these years. My name is Morgan, and these are my friends Christopher and Tango.  We’re looking for a certain somebody?

OWNER
You’re a cute girl, but I don’t know if I wanna get down with those other two.

BOSLEY
What the? Did he just call us…woah, woah, buddy, I am the cream of the heterosexual crop! Don’t get things twisted here.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Actually, we’re looking for two friends of ours.

She passes him a photo of Los Diablos.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
They’re in a lot of trouble in the USA. We don’t want them to get hurt.

The owner scans the picture with nothing more than a casual interest.

OWNER
Never seen em.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Really? Not once? They are sort of local celebrities.  I guess I thought they were kind of like the statue of liberty, or the arch, or mount rushmore. Something everyone saw.

OWNER
Not me.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
They’re on TV a lot, you’ve never seen them just flipping through the channels?

OWNER
I don’t watch TV.

CPA
How come when I asked around down at the beach, I got told they hang around here?

OWNER
You got told wrong. People will say anything to the gringos. They ain’t here though, as you can see.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Could we wait around? Maybe they might show up. Its very important that we see them.

OWNER
I don’t think so, we got lot of cleaning to do around here.  Its ladies night speicals later on. You don’t look old enough to drink, but we might have a Sprite for you. Maybe, we’ll see you later?

Inspector Nerdly catches something out the corner of her narrow, frustrated eyes. Something pink, something leather, and definitely something hostile peering from the doorway to the kitchen.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Thanks for the offer, but…nah.

IN whips out her trusty tazer and sends a beam electricity into the restaurateur’s face. A terrible screams leaps from his lips, before his lifeless body sags to the floor. The pink man immediately retreats from view.

CPA
I saw it to. Bosley, you and Morgan take the front, I’ll go through the back.

BOSLEY
Two in the pink, one in the stink! I love this part, baby!

CPA charges into the back cooking area, finding only frightened chefs and busboys. His eyes can the area until they finally find Mariachi trying to scramble to exit.

CPA
Get back here!

MARIACHI
You will never take me! Never!

CPA gives chase to a running Mariachi. But his pursuit is horribly halted when the luchadore tips over a rack of plates to block the path. As CPA’s frustrated curses and the cracking plates fill the air, Mariachi bursts out the back door. Running as fast as his boots will carry him, he charges towards the front parking lot. However, he’s intercepted by the waiting arms of Bosley. While Morgan and a gathered crowd of children look on, the former NYPD officer

BOSLEY
You are screwed now you freaky little bastard! Give me one reason to rip your balls off! One reason!

That reason is a gigantic loogie that Mariachi hurls into Bosley’s face. Immediately, the officer of the law releases Mariachi and his hands fly up to this face.

BOSLEY
He got aids in my eye! He got aids in my eye!

Inspector Nerdly watches this all with bemusement as Mariachi sprints away from Bosley.

INSPECTOR NERDLY (to the kids)
Hey, cover your eyes, kids.

The kids don’t listen to the “gringo”.

INSPECTOR NERDLY (in a booming voice)
I said cover your eyes! Now!

The command, uttered like a voice from the underworld, causes the kids to slam their lids shut in horror.

ZAAAAAAP!

Mariachi screams the same horrible scream as the resturnateer before he crumples to the pavement. Inspector Nerdly surveys the seen of a charred Mariachi and Bosley trying to rip “aids” out his eye.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Gee, I sure do love Mexico.

ENTERPRISE VICE RETURNS AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL MESSAGES

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT.

ENTERPRISE VICE RETURNS

The hottest crime show within a parody e-fed show returns with Bosley behind the wheel of The Enterprise’s black dodge charger, with CPA at his side. Mariachi is slumped over

BOSLEY
Wake up, punk!

Mariachi slowly stirs awake from Bosley’s shouting  and Morgan stroking his masked face.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Why do the cute ones always have to be gay?

MARIACHI
Where…where…am I?

BOSLEY
Where are you? Where are you? Oh-ho-ho-ho! You’re in hell, baby! You’re in hell!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
It must be nice living here, I bet. Probably a lot better than living in Edmonton. I always wanted to be so close to the beach.  Not for the ocean or anything. For the sand. I’ve always felt kind of serene and calm when I walk on sand.

MARIACHI
Why have you taken me?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
One thing that’s always kinda freaked me out about beaches and sand, is getting buried in it. Supposed to be this fun prank, but its too much like getting buried alive.

CPA
You ever been buried alive, Mariachi?

MARIACHI
No! What is this? What is going on?

INSPECTOR NERDLY  (looking at her iphone)_
Wikipedia says “if interment (burial) is not reversed within a short period, it leads to death, usually through one or more of the following: asphyxiation, dehydration, starvation, or (in cold climates) exposure.” You don’t have to worry about the last part, its sixty something degrees. But, once we reach the desert the other three become a bit of problem.

CPA
Unless you tell us why you tried to blow up Mister Moneymaker and stole his property.

MARIACHI
I will tell you nothing!

INSPECTOR NERDLY (reading off her Iphone)
“Although human survival may be briefly extended in some environments as body metabolism slows, in the absence of air, loss of consciousness will take place within 2 to 4 minutes and death by asphyxia within 5 to 15 minutes.”

MARIACHI
This nation has been built on the blood of criminals but it will thrive on the blood of heroes! The resistance will not die!

INSPECTOR NERDLY (reading off her iphone)
“Permanent brain damage through oxygen starvation is likely after a few minutes, even if the person is rescued before death.”

MARIACHI
Do you think I’m afraid of dying for my ideals? Sometimes the fate of the free world is decided by one man’s will to hang on to his integrity.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Dying? Gee wow, you have the wrong idea. We’re sorry, we gave you a bad impression. We don’t have any intention of harming you. At least I don’t. Its your partner…what’s his name…I wonder what he’ll think of having his blood used to make the nation thrive?

BOSLEY
Heheheheh. Watcha gotta say to that, Castro?

Mariachi’s defiant façade melts away, leaving in its place, a quivering and fearful mess of a man.

MARIACHI
You wouldn’t!

INSPECOTR NERDLY
I wouldn’t want to, but you’re not giving me a choice.

MARIACHI
How can you be so heartless?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I want to be a good person, I don’t want to have to hurt anyone, but you all keep making me do these things.  Don’t make me hurt anyone else. Please.

MARIACHI
I was asked to write the note.

CPA
By who?

MARIACHI
It...it..was

CPA
By who, motherfucker! Do you not speak English?

BOSLEY
Ha-ha! That's way, CPA, that's the way you gotta lay it on these freaks.

MARIACHI
I do not know. He was had a mask, and a hoodie. He said he was sympathetic to my troubles with Theodore Moneymaker.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Did he tell you he was going to blow up the limo?

MARIACHI
He told me nothing, other then that we would all be free.  Free of Theodore Moneymaker. He told me he would cure the OAOAST of its disease.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Cure the OAOAST of it's disease?  That sounds like…

BOSLEY
Love Doctor talk! You telling us those pretty boy punks had something on this? I will take a shovel and I will smash the piss outta their dicks! I swear to god!

MARIACHI
I have already told you too much! I will say nothing more!

ZAAAAAAP!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
No I guess you won’t

FADE OUT


OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE
LIVE FROM DODGER STADIUM IN LOS ANGELES
***FEATURING***
WRESTLER OF THE YEAR KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN COMPETING FOR THE WORLD TITLE
SECOND ROUND ANDERSON CUP MATCHES
AND MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE
January 29th 2009
OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Okay, as you may have seen reported on OAOAST.com, this past weekend an unfortunate incident took place in Manchester at a McDonalds restaurant between two OAOAST employees. But I'm sure while names of usual suspects such as The Deadly Alliance and The Enterprise would have come to mind to many, very few of our OAOAST Marks would have guessed that those involved would be, of all people, Melody Nerdly and OAOAST Women's Champion Jade Rodez-Duncan. Now that a thorough investigation has been carried out by OAOAST officials in accordance with the local police force, we can now show you footage of the incident from inside of the restaurant which has stunned the OAOAST locker room. Let's take a look.

COACH
Since when was McDonalds a 'restaurant'!? Damn boy, you must have low standards, no wonder you ain't gettin' no dates!



In a rarity for the OAOAST our coverage comes via store CCTV footage which is focused on the counter of the McDonalds outlet in question. In the futhermost left of the screen stand Melody Nerdly and OAOAST Women's Champion Jade Rodez-Duncan, patiently waiting to be served their order. Luckily it's not too busy inside, so we can still hear what they're saying. No sign of any problems yet as they chatter amongst themselves happily enough.

MELODY
...says she can shoot electricity out of her hands? What the hell is that all about?

JADE
Yeah. Weird. So, you like my new top then?

Jade opens up her pink track jacket. The camera is behind them which isn't exactly helpful, but we can only assume it's a very nice looking top.

MELODY
Hmmm. Not quite as cool as my Silver Surfer shirt, but yeah, I like it okay. Is it designer?

JADE
Yup. It should have been $200 but, I got it for $140.

MELODY
Ooh, a bargain. Was it a sale?

JADE
Oh no, I just told them who I was and they let me have it cheaper.

MELODY
Oh. Okay.

An slightly awkward silence emerges between the two. In front of them, one of the McDonalds employees appears with their food and places the tray on the counter before heading off to sort out the drinks.

MELODY
So, anyway, what movie are we seeing?

JADE
Oh, I don't mind. I'm... not really a movie buff, so anything'll do for me. You're more an expert than I am.

MELODY
No, that's Molly. I'm Melody.

Jade chuckles and everything's okay between the two again. It's then that Jade takes a look inside her packaging though and when the employee returns with their drinks, Jade glances up from her meal.

JADE
Excuse me? Yeah, I asked for no lettuce on this.

Handing the food back indignantly Jade stands there and waits for the employee to go and get her another without saying another word.

JADE
GAWD, these people!

MELODY
Uh... first of all, these people, they're kinda my people. Besides, I'm sure it was just a simple mistake...

JADE
Yeah but I specifically said no lettuce. IE., a request. Not a suggestion. If I didn't mind lettuce, I wouldn't have said no lettuce and just let them make the decision for me, but I do mind, so I did. If they can't listen properly they shouldn't be working in a job that requires them to listen and act based on what I, the customer, tell them.

MELODY
It's just a bit of lettuce Jade. Not really worth making a fuss about, dontcha think?

JADE
That's not the point. If I want something, I expect to get it. As I ask for it.

Not quite understanding what Jade's big problem is Melody puts her hands on her hips and looks at her friend wondering what's gotten into her.

JADE
...what?

MELODY
I'm just tryin' to figure out what crawled up your butt all of a sudden. I just don't get what the big deal is. Couldn't you have just taken it off once we sat down or something?

JADE
I guess. But the point is, they shou...

Suddenly, a metallic and muffled sounding version of "Hot N Cold" by Katy Perry can be heard. Holding up a finger to encourage her friend to hang on a second Jade reaches into her back pocket of her jeans and unflips her cellphone.

JADE
Hello? ..... Oh HEY Miley, what's up? ..... Nah, I'm not up to much, just grabbing a bite to eat.

Suffice is to say, Melody looks offended at what she percieves as rude behaviour, to take a phonecall in mid-conversation.

JADE
..... Yeah. ..... Yeah. ..... Uh-huh. ..... Oh, they put lettuce in it. ..... Yeah I KNOW, what is UP with that? I totally asked for no lettuce but do they listen? Of course not! ..... Yeah, I did. ..... Nah, they're getting me another one right now.

MELODY
*ahem*

JADE
I dunno. ..... Hehehe, I know! ..... Oh, totally, totally.

MELODY
*AHEM*

JADE
(glances up)
Uh, listen, is there any chance I can call you back, now's not a cool time. ..... Okay, talk to you soon hun! See ya!
(closes phone)

MELODY
Okay, that's it.

JADE
What's the matter? Don't tell me they got your order wrong too.

MELODY
No, it's you.

Not sure what Melody means, Jade looks confused.

MELODY
Okay, I didn't want to say anything, but lately you've been... not yourself.

JADE
What are you talking about?

With tension rising the employee returns with the corrected food, wisely deciding not to speak up about it for fear of getting involved in the budding arguement.

MELODY
Well first of all you turned your nose up at my suggestion of taking the bus and insisted we get a taxi instead. Like you've got some sort of problem with public transport. Then you blanked that girl handing out leaflets at the mall. I used to do that job when I was in high school to earn myself some extra money cause I was saving up for a Mega Drive and people like that make it a super harsh job, okay? Now you're bitching out people for putting lettuce on your food? Come on, the Jade I know wouldn't do that.

JADE
What's that supposed to mean!?

MELODY
Well... I dunno.

JADE
No, if you've got something to say I'd rather you say it.

MELODY
Okay... well... lately, like ever since New Year, you've kinda been acting like a bit of a spoilt bitch.

JADE


MELODY
And I'm not a real big fan of that you, so as a friend I'm asking you what the deal is. Cause to be honest, I don't know if I wanna be hanging around with you if you keep acting like your Mom. There, I said it.

A little guilty at being that real from out behind the comfort of her computer screen, Melody picks up her box of Chicken McNuggets off of the tray and has one to calm her nerves.

JADE
Excuse me!? My Mom is not a spoilt bitch! And neither am I! Take it back!

MELODY
(still chewing)
I stand by my comments.

Scowling at the slight of her family Jade starts to breath heavier, clearly fuming inside. And eventually she SEES RED and KNOCKS MELODY'S MCNUGGETS OUT OF HER HAND AND ONTO THE GROUND~!!!!

MELODY


JADE
...oh my God, I'm sorry!

Melody stares agape at the McNuggets scattered on the floor, hand frozen in place. Looking genuinely apologetic Jade tries to find the words to make it better. But Melody doesn't want to hear it. With Jade still stunned at herself, Melody reaches over to the tray again...


*SPLASH*


...AND DUMPS A CHOCOLATE SHAKE OVER JADE'S FRONT!!!!!!

JADE


Looking down at her now ruined top, Jade is even more stunned now. And seconds later the two friends lunge at each other AND START TUSSLING, PULLING AT EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND SHRIEKING LIKE BANSHEES!!!! Quickly the employees behind the counter rush out front to pull the girls apart before they can come to proper blows. Other customers look on open mouthed in horror as Melody keeps kicking out long after Jade is out of reach. Melody shrugs her fellow internet dwelling spotty teenagers off and insists "I'M COOL, I'M COOL" before disappearing out of camera shot and presumably outside. Left behind is Jade, her pink track jacket and the expensive top she blagged $60 off of now stained with chocolate milk, not to mention her hair looking a real mess from being pulled at.


(BACK TO THE ARENA)

COACH
...that it?

COLE
That was it. Very unsavoury scenes there and very out of character from both. OAOAST officials have reprimanded both ladies for their actions and were sent home this week to, for the lack of a better term, think about what they've done. However, the bad blood apparantly still stands as just signed for AnglePalooza at the behest of both ladies, Jade Rodez-Duncan defends her Women's Title one on one against Melody Nerdly!

COACH
No, seriously... was that it?

COLE
Yes, that was it.

COACH
What a letdown. The way they talked it up on the website you'd have thought somebody'd ripped one of the seats out and taken it to somebody's eye. Instead we get some slapped McNuggets and a spilt drink. Neither of them even threw a slap! This is why I hate the internet. Nothing but false promises.

COLE
That's a story I'd rather not explore further.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

"Money Talks" by AC/DC hits and the sharpest dressed men in the OAOAST are escorted to the ring by CPA and Detective Tango Bosley, V.I.C.E.

BUFFER
OAOAST Marks, the following is a first round Anderson Cup match! Introducing first, representing THE ENTERPRISE, at a total combine weight of 465 pounds, the #1 ranked team in the Miracle Weirdness Connection Conference... “THE NATURAL” CHRISTIAN WRIGHT and “THE BILLION DOLLAR HEIR” THEODORE MMMOOOONNEYMAKER!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Wait a minute! V.I.C.E. has no business out here. They’re nothing but a couple of damn bullies, Theodore Moneymaker’s hired guns!

COACH
Let’s not forgot Teddy is engaged in a bitter feud with Zack Malibu and nearly was assassinated on live television weeks ago. He needs protection in this dangerous time. Fortunately he’s got the best security money can buy.

COLE
Yeah, a security firm now headed by Inspector Morgan Nerdly, an amateur P.I. unafraid to trample a person’s constitutional rights!  

COACH
Amateur!? You got a late night visit from V.I.C.E. coming, son. But whether you agree with Inspector Nerdly’s tactics or not, the fact is, her methods work. Forget Leon Panetta, Inspector Nerdly is person you want running the CIA. She’ll have Osama captured her first day on the job.

Christian Wright hands CPA his briefcase for safekeeping, then he and Theodore Moneymaker remove their non-wrestling attire (jacket/robe, etc).

*WHIIIR!*
*WHIIIR!*

MONEYMAKER


Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I've got a bad case of lovin' you
No pill's gonna cure my ill
I've got a bad case of lovin' you

Paged on scene, Drs. Max and Steven melt the hearts and panties of women by stripping off their lab coats. As they head down the aisle, Pigley stops to writes a prescription for a pretty young thing ringside; a double hug/kiss from the Love Doctors and a Love Line t-shirt right off his back.  

BUFFER
And their opponents! Hailing from Chicago, Illinois, total combine weight 435 pounds, the team of DR. MAX ANDERSON and DR. STEVEN PIGLEY... THE LOOOOOOOOOVE DOCTORS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Met with heavy cheers, the Love Doctors are met by heavy fire when they enter the ring. Wright and Moneymaker quick to jump on them.

* DINGDINGDING *

COACH
I see that sheet of paper in your hand, Cole. You were about to plug Dr. Steven’s Love Line program every Wednesday night at 7 on local Chicago radio. Now you can hype there being a guest host next week!

COLE
Unfortunately you may be right. The Love Doctors cheap shot before the match officially began. No doubt Theodore Moneymaker’s way of sending a message to Zack Malibu, the man he’ll face in a Survive or Surrender match at Anglepalooza.

Wright and Moneymaker pummel the Docs against the ropes, then attempt stereo Irish whips, but the Docs reverse and dropkick the pair on the rebound!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Moneymaker tumbles outside, but Wright isn’t so lucky. He becomes the focus of the Docs’ attack, a series of arm-wringers followed by top rope axe handle smashes. But a huge European uppercut knocks Dr. Max on his ass and CW proceeds to put the boots to him.

COACH
Kick ‘im! Kick ‘im like a dog, CW!

Wright rams Anderson into the buckle and tags Moneymaker.

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

* CHOP *

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Not one to mix business with pleasure, Moneymaker takes a moment to indulge himself and SLAPS Anderson, which only serves as a wakeup call for the good doctor. He fires back and out of the Enterprise corner, striking both Wright and Moneymaker. But the Billion Dollar Heir quells that baby face fire with an EYE RAKE.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Again the Enterprise needing to resort to cheap tactics to gain the advantage.

COACH
You wanna know what’s cheap? Personal attacks the kind hurled at Teddy and his Enterprise this past weekend on Syndicated by the Love Doctors. And these guys did it in the middle of an attempted murder investigation? The case against The Doctors is piling up.

Moneymaker shoots Anderson into the ropes for a back elbow, then drops A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS…BUT NOBODY’S HOME! Theodore pops to his feet clutching his hand, and Dr. Max brings him down in a SUNSET FLIP!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Anderson stomps Moneymaker’s hand, and then wrings the arm as he drags the Billion Dollar Heir over to the Love Doctors corner for the tag. Dr. Steven continues what his colleague started, wringing the arm again and again. Moneymaker answers with a knee to the gut and backs Pigley against the ropes for a combination of chops/punches that sets up an Irish whip. Off the ropes Dr. Steven ducks a clothesline and snaps Theodore over in a CRUCIFIX BOMB~!!!

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO!

The Docs tag and Max Anderson unloads SPINNING BACKFISTS on Theodore Moneymaker. Following a backdrop Dr. Max clotheslines Theodore over the top and shoots off the ropes, flipping onto Moneymaker outside!

COLE
Topé Con Hílo! Vintage Max Anderson.

COACH
The Love Doctors emptying out the medicine cabinet, Cole. They know it’s gonna take everything they got to beat Teddy and CW. Which now that I think about, they’d have gained the most in Teddy being assassinated. It would’ve meant a first round bye.

COLE
You’re starting to sound like Inspector Nerdly. I bet you’re both Oliver Stone fans.

COACH
Who isn’t?  

Christian Wright goes to assist Teddy but gets cut off by Dr. Steven. Meanwhile, as the referee’s focused on the brawl, DETECTIVE TANGO BOSLEY whips out his TELESCOPIC BATON and CLUBS the knee of Dr. Max Anderson!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
DAMN HIM!!

COACH
We know what’s running through the mind of Dr. Max, don’t we, Cole? Why? Why? Hahaha!

COLE
:stupid:

Moneymaker rolls Anderson back in and tags CW. Wright quick to attack the knee, smashing it repeatedly against the ring post. Anderson crawls towards mid-ring grimacing in pain, his arm outstretched for a much needed tag, but Wright nails Dr. Steven.

DR. STEVEN
:firedevil:

Wright and Moneymaker do a number of Anderson while an irate Pigley is restrained by the referee.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MONEYMAKER


By the time the official turns around Moneymaker is back on the apron chilling. The action resumes with CW delivering a knee crusher ala Ric Flair, then locks on THE WALLSTREET CLOVERLEAF!

The pain is too much for Dr. Max to withstand and he TAPS.

DR. STEVEN


* DINGDINGDINGDING *

COLE
Damnit! The Enterprise steal one thanks to Tango Bosley.

COACH
No different than how The Love Doctors tried to steal Mister Moneymaker's life.

Pigley can’t believe how fast Anderson submitted, but that’s because he never saw Bosley whack him with the baton. He tends to his partner as Moneymaker taunts them. The rage builds in Pigley and he goes after the Billion Dollar Heir!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

COACH
This guy must have a death wish. You don’t mess with Moneymaker.

A lesson V.I.C.E. helps Dr. Steven learn the hard way. Bosley again using his baton to lay down the law. The damage done Moneymaker laughs his ass off over the fallen doctors.

COLE
Given his current state of mind Theodore Moneymaker is one dangerous man. It’s gonna make for one heck of a match with Zack Malibu at Anglepalooza. Folks, we'll see you next week!

FADE OUT