OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 1/8/09

[Chanel #99]

PRESENTED IN HD

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

-OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLTCXZbCNFU



The Dunkin' Donuts Center is ripe with cheers, as the packed house is ready for a night of action on HeldDOWN~!, and perhaps more importantly, the homecoming of the most popular athlete in OAOAST history.  Zack Malibu's hometown crowd is anticipating his appearance here tonight, but a mix of shock and cheer surges through the crowd when Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" booms over the PA!

COLE
It...it can't be, can it!?

Indeed it is, as CWM comes walking out from the back to a HUGE pop from the surprised Rhode Islanders!  Clad in his traditional attire, CWM storms down to the ring without playing to the crowd, looking just as surly as ever!  He heads to ringside and grabs the mic from Michael Buffer, then shoves Buffer down into his seat, obviously not looking to make any friends upon his return!

COACH
Heh, Buffer SO deserved that!

COLE
Nevermind that, Coach...what in the world is CWM doing here on HeldDOWN~! tonight?

In the ring, CWM starts to talk, but as the music drowns out, a loud CWM chant breaks out, preventing him from speaking his piece.

"C-W-M!"

"C-W-M!"

"C-W-M!"

CWM
You can just cut that garbage out right now, because I'm not here to make you people happy tonight!

Instantly, the crowd turns on CWM, and whatever positive response his arrival got is replaced by disdain.

CWM
I'm here for one reason and one reason only, and that is for ZACK MALIBU!

The fans rejoice at the mention of the hometown heros name.

CWM
Zack, I haven't been around for a long time, but I know what's going on.  Week after week lately, I've seen you out here, riding out on the high horse, still acting like you're the end all and be all of this company.  You've done this for years,  and I can admit, you became more than I ever thought you'd be.  We've fought, we've bled, we've been inside cages and had streetfights and God knows what else, but looking at you now, you are a disgrace to yourself, and to the legacy of this company!

The crowd boos loudly at CWM's opinion of his old foe.

CWM
For years now, you've been riding on Anglesault's coattails, a man that you hated the very moment you set foot in OUR company.  You see, the aWo was what kept this company going in the early days, NOT Zack Malibu or The In Crowd as he'd have you believe.  Zack Malibu was a NOBODY, and when you beat Anglesault for your first World Championship, it wasn't that you rose above it all and earned our respect...it's that Anglesault became weak!  I mean, right after you beat him, what happened?  He buddied up to you, and at first we thought he was just getting close to you so that he could stick the knife in your back and take back his belt, but no.  You defeated that man mentally, and made him into the biggest pussy besides yourself to ever have anything to do with this company, Popick included!

The fans are REALLY not happy with this history lesson, as the booing continues.

CWM
So the two of you, best buddies, think that you're the end all and be all.  Anglesault retires from the ring and takes full ownership, and who benefits?  Why, his new little buddy, Zack Malibu!  He lives vicariously through you, and you live your life like some goddamned superhero, always rushing to defend the integrity of the OAOAST.  Well Zack, NO ONE ASKED YOU TO.  But still, you do it, you mold yourself into a Franchise, into the cornerstone of this company, yet here you are week after week saying that you're the best of the best, The Franchise, the man synonymous with the OAOAST...and every time I see you, you're getting your ass kicked!  Now I could look past everything else...you and Anglesault seeing eye to eye, fine.  You representing this compay...as much as I hate you Zack, you're at least determined to keep what we started going.  But if you're really the icon that you claim to be, then why are you getting demolished by these people?  Theodore Moneymaker has put one over on you time and time again, and yet you never learn.  You dive in headfirst, headstrong, and don't think about what you're really doing.  You're letting this latest generation of superstar put one over on you, and maybe you're more like Anglesault than you think.  Remember what I said, Zack...you beat him because he got weak.  He got out of the ring and into the office because he got WEAK.  So now maybe that day has come for you.  Maybe YOU'RE the weak one now.  Maybe you need to hang it up.  Theodore Moneymaker offered you a million dollars to WALK, and your foolish pride led to you getting humiliated again at the New Year's Spectacular.  So Zack, do what's best, and stop ruining the legacy of the rest of us Originals!  You are bastardizing this whole company, and it makes me sick to think that something I helped launch has become a parody of what it once was, no thanks to you!  Defending the company, Zack?  You're just tearing it apart from the inside!  Let someone else take up the mantle now.  You've done your part!

No sooner does CWM end his rant, than "Getting Away With Murder" hits, and the crowd goes BANANA~! at the first sighting of Providence's favorite son!

COLE
Well we got one surprise already, but I don't think ANYONE should be surprised by this!

Zack heads to the ring to a grand welcome by his hometown supporters, and immediately heads into the ring, getting into a staredown with his old rival right off the bat.

CWM
Somehow I knew you'd come out here.

MALIBU
Showing up out of the blue, calling me names, questioning my abilities and trying to embarrass me in front of my hometown?  I'd say that's a pretty good way of luring me out from backstage, CWM.

CWM
I'm not trying to embarrass you, Zack, you're doing a damn good job of that yourself.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH."

MALIBU
Let me tell you som...

CWM
No, let ME tell YOU something, OK.  I haven't set foot in the ring in a long time.  I'm not looking to come back full time, or to make a name for myself again.  As you can see from when I first came out here, I can still get a crowd going.  People remember my name, and are happy to see me, despite the fact that I could care less about them, or because I'm one sick son of a bitch.  What makes me sick, Zack, is seeing you pride yourself on being the flag bearer, yet you're always on the losing end.  You've had guys like Michael Cole and Josh Matthews crawling up your ass for years, towing the line of "He's got heart!", "He can't be corrupted!", "Zack Malibu just will not quit!".  Well, it's one thing to say, Zack, and it's another to DO.  That heart of yours is growing weak.  Maybe it's time you cast yourself aside and let someone else take the reins.

ZACK
Like who?

CWM
Hell if I know, Zack, but c'mon, let's face it...you just don't cut it anymore.

Malibu grows somber, but then his sad face becomes a determined one.

ZACK
So let's get this straight...you think that it's sad that the new talents, the guys who came along after you were long gone, have the ability to hang with the Originals?  Yet you want me to just step aside and let a guy like Moneymaker get free reign of the place?  Isn't that a bit of a contradiction?

CWM
I don't think it's sad in their case, Zack.  It's nice to see some people step up, ready to carry on the legacy of the OAOAST.  It's the people clinging to whatever value they once held, namely YOU, unable to let go of it.  If you can't take the heat, Zack, it's time to get out of the kitchen!

ZACK
Original.  But not warranted.  Because let's face it, we've all been beaten before.  Everyone's had their shoulders pinned to the mat.  You and I have done it to each other numerous times.  But you're thinking that losses mean weakness.  Those losses might not look good on a win/loss record, that's true.  But those losses don't take away my heart, CWM.  They don't take away my drive, my determination.  When you lose, you just get up and keep on fighting.  If you get pushed back, you pushed forward even harder.  It seems that YOU never learned those lessons, and maybe that's why you went home.  You settled for protecting your legacy by getting out when you did.  You didn't want the challenge.  You didn't want to think that one day, you might have to worker harder to maintain what you built.  YOU settled, but I won't.  

CWM
I SETTLED?  I got out on a high note, Zack!  I...

Now CWM gets interrupted again, an act that perturbs him deeply, as an all too familiar Guns N' Roses song fills the arena, sending the crowd into a frenzy of catcalls.

COLE
Another country about to be heard from.

THEODORE MONEYMAKER is out now, also with mic in hand, ready to chime in on the verbal sparring between Zack Malibu and CWM.

MONEYMAKER
Gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to add something to this.  CWM, you and I do not know each other personally, but I know you all too well.  See, I know why you're here tonight.  I know why you can't seem to get the right words out.  It's because you're nervous.  Scared even.  Because you are desperate now, aren't you?  Desperate for a chance to get back to doing what you do best.

CWM
Desperate?  Look pal, from what I've seen of you I certainly don't like you, and now I like you even less.  You don't have the first idea of what I'm feeling.  Like I told Zack, I left while I was on top, and...

MONEYMAKER
...but that didn't translate to your bank account, did it?  Oh no, not with a wife and two kids to feed, care for, spoil.  No, that bank account has suffered, which made your family suffer, which has made YOU SUFFER, because you can't provide for them like you once could.  And THAT is why you're here tonight.  You picked your spot because you know Malibu is an impulse thinker, a fool willing to be baited by your words, which in turn would lead to you making your way back into this company, back onto the payroll.  Namedropping the past, mentioning the aWo, you feel as though it'll lead to some nostalgia, that it'll help pave the way for the CWM comeback.  I say to you that you are not worthy to be in a ring that belongs to me!

ZACK
This ring doesn't belong to you, Moneymaker, and you know it.

MONEYMAKER
Maybe not in name, Zack, but face it, you got what you wanted at the New Year's Spectacular, and what happened?   I made a fool out of both you and your little girlfriend.  I beat you, Zack, and now I can rightfully lay claim to the fact that I am the Franchise of the OAOAST!

The crowd boos loudly at that remark, and Malibu grows furious.

MONEYMAKER
Now, CWM, I have a proposition for you, if you're willing to listen.  I can get you what you want.  I can fill that bank account back up.  You see, that man in the ring right there, you have a grievance with him, as do I.  So why not kill two birds with one stone.  I know that Zack Malibu had gone to Josie requesting a match on HeldDOWN~! tonight in front of his hometown fans, and it seems that you're itching to show Zack that you're not happy with him.  So why don't we have CWM return to the ring tonight, against Zack Malibu...

The crowd buzzes, and both Zack and CWM eye each other before looking back at Moneymaker.

MONEYMAKER
...and CWM, if you can take Zack out, then I will PERSONALLY give you $500,000!

CWM
Whoa, hang on there, Richie Rich.  You were going to give him more than that to take a hike.  You want me to be your hitman, you give me the million!

Moneymaker shakes his head, amused by CWM's request.

MONEYMAKER
Beggers can't be choosers, can they.  I mean, you want to be able to put your children through college one day, don't you?  You don't want to have to bag groceries for a living, or drive a jalopy, do you?

CWM looks cornered, then looks at Zack again.

CWM
I'm in.

He drops his mic and stares Zack down, as Moneymaker cackles into his mic.  CWM exits the ring, leaving Malibu all alone to plan a course of action for tonight.

COLE
Can you believe this?  CWM comes, well, out of nowhere, out of hiding, to call out Zack Malibu...and winds up becoming Theodore Moneymaker's personal bounty hunter tonight, in Zack's hometown!

COACH
Mikey Cole, you and I both know what CWM and Zack have gone through in the past, and now tonight, it's all gonna come crashing down for Zack, right in front of his family and friends!

COLE
That remains to be seen, Coach, but what a match, and what a situation.  CWM, at the request of Theodore Moneymaker, will take on Zack Malibu here tonight on HeldDOWN~! Also tonight on this episode we'll see the Mardi Gras Homewrecking meet the Christ Air Express in the first round of the Anderson cup, along with Panic At The Disco facing off against Team Heyross! Plus the in ring debut of NAME! And we hear that Josie Baker has a big announcement for the 300th episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN from Dodger Stadium!

COMING UP NEXT
FIRST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION
MARDI GRAS HOMEWRECKING CREW VS CHRIST AIR EXPRESS
NEXT

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
ORIGINAL GANGSTAS
CWM VS ZACK MALIBU
TONIGHT!

[Chanel #99]

Backstage we go, tracking OAOAST World Champion on his journey through the arena corridors. After exchanging quick pleasantries with Dr. Steven Pigley in a walk-through cameo Leon heads into the office of OAOAST President Josie Baker, where the lady herself is typically doing business on the phone. Leon lets himself in, eyeing up Sophie subtely as he waits for Josie to finish her business dealings.

LEON
Evenin' boss. You wanted to see me?

JOSIE
Yes, I did Leon. I wanted to talk to you about Anglepalooza.

LEON
Oh good. I was thinking we could talk Anglepalooza too. I was thinking, maybe just maybe your husband could come back and be the number one contender. He's earned it. Or, maybe you've got a grandparent who used to wrestle back in the territorie days in the 50s, somebody who'd be able to show this young whippersnapper a thing or two about the grappling game?

JOSIE
Excuse me?

LEON
Oh come on Josie. I put it in your hands to find me a suitable challenger for my big World Title homecoming and you pick... your cousin!? Gee, I wonder how THAT happened!

Leon puts on an inquisitive look.

JOSIE
Jereme's the Intercontinental Champion...

LEON
Look, no offence meant, I'm sure this Jereme's a good kid and he's got potential and so on. But I have to admit, I was expecting just a liiittle bit more. You know the score, I've promised to be a fighting champion, I'm after the best of the best. In the entire OAOAST, not just the best on your family tree.

JOSIE
You're not accusing me of nepotism, are you?

LEON
Hey, if anybody's cool with families in wrestling, it's yours truly.

Not looking pleased with the insinuations, Josie steps out from her desk and in front of Leon.

JOSIE
If you've got a problem with my decision, I'd prefer if you just came out and said so.

LEON
Relax, I'm just kidding around with you. Like old times. Remember? Do ya? Aah. Those were good times. Seriously though Josie, Anglepalooza's one of the marquee events of the year, the first Pay Per View of 2009... and I know it means pulling someone out of the Rumble and out of the running for the AngleMania main-event slot, but I trust that you'll take a little more time to name me a number one contender this time around. The rightful number one contender.

Josie smirks to herself.

JOSIE
You've got it. Infact, just for you, I'll take extra special care to choose the best person possible. And I'll announce the number one contender by the end of the show.

LEON
Looking forward to it already.

JOSIE
Good.

As Leon starts to leave, he's suddenly stopped by the OAOAST Pres.

JOSIE
Oh, one more thing. Since you're feeling so competitive, you're in action tonight.

LEON
I knew there was a reason the entire roster get seperate dressing rooms even if there's only two matches booked on the show!

JOSIE
Yeah. Anyway, good luck tonight.

LEON
Appreciate it.

Leon leaves and Josie goes back onto the phone.


"Like The Angels" brings stoners and bongs across the globe to their couch to catch a glimpse of High Times Stoners of the Year! The twins burst onto the scene full of the type of energy, not often seen in guys who swear by the ganj. Clad in their usual orange tights, they smoke an imaginary fat one, before trading a leaping high five and heading down to the ring.

BUFFER
The following Anderson Cup opening round contest is scheduled for one fall! Now making their way to the ring, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, MARV AND MEL THE CHRIST AIR EXPRESS!

The Fortress of Nerdlytude's favorite twin brothers zip at full speed down the entrance ramp. They slide into the ring to a loud pop from the arena audience. Scaling the turnbuckles they invite further cheers from the fans' that happily give them some.

COACH
I made the mistake of talking to these drips earlier. They told me they prepped for the Wrecking Crew by reading their profile in the No Homo strategy guide. That's like preparing for sex by reading the back of a porno box.

BUFFER
And the opponents...

Through the opening lyrics of Rio, Rico De Janerio pauses on the yellow and green lit stage and looks down into the ring at his challengers, frowning to himself. He strokes his pornstache, more of thought, then of exhibition, before finally heading towards the squared circle.

BUFFER
First from Rio De Janerio, Brazil...HE IS RICO DE JANERIO!

COACH
Is this what it's come to? Separate entrances?

COLE
I'm afraid so, Coach. The Wrecking Crew has been spiraling further and further into a breakup and it all started when Lucius Soul made a few comments to Biff on Syndicated.

The video screens behind him continues to flash scenes of Rico's greatest female conquests, while also displaying gorgeous National Geographic channel worthy images of his home country.  He's so ill at ease about tagging with a partner he can no longer trust, that he doesn't bother doing his beads for boobs offer. Given his success with the ploy, perhaps this is for the best! He walks up the stares and locks eyes with his foes, a small scowl forming on his lips. But its not the Express who have aroused his ire, its this song...

You're a jive soul bro
A jive soul bro
And you're always lyin' to you friends
You're a jive soul bro
A jive soul bro
And you'll never get nothin' in the end

He may lie to his friends, he may never get nothing in the end, but damn it he can dance if he wants to, and he can leave the whole world behind! The fro pickin, caddy riddin, big pimpin son of the gun twirls and bops onto stage looking like something out of Dolemites with gigantic fur coat, golden chains, sparkling sterling silver pimp chalice. Not pimp cup. Pimp chalice. He toasts to the fans that can stand the sight of him and then ventures down the ramp.

BUFFER
And his partner from New Orleans, Louisiana, he is Lucius Soul! Together they form the MARDI GRAS HOMEWRECKING CREW

Soul's good cheer is totally dashed the moment he meets eyes with his one timed good friend.  Both men utter unheard but well felt curest at the other. Far opposites from their warring foes, the boys in orange and blue talk strategy ahead of their contest.

COLE
First round Anderson Cup action here in Providence the home of The Franchise! Later on tonight we will see Team Heyross meet Panic At The Disco!

DING DING DING

Soul oddly starts to the match by turning to Rico and warning him not to "mess this hustle up for me". But its Soul who's his own worst enemy as MARV knocks him over with a drop kick.  Soul rolls to his feet and steps forward towards MARV. But before he can effort any attack, the stoner hauls him downwards with a roll up...

ONE!

Kickout!

Back on his feet Soul swings his long leg around in a round house kick. However that leaves him wide open to the side tackle that MARV slams into his leg! Soul is upended and thrown to the mat, landing with bruising impact. His troubles only get worse when the skater nails him with a standing frogsplash!

"You are doin banging up the job, mang!" Rico shouts sarcastically.

COLE
Banging up...I think Rico's English has actually gotten worse.

"You powder room lookin' motha-FUCKA!" Soul says through gritted teeth as he gets to his feet.

"Dude, bro, did you get your hands on some bad seed? What's your hiccup?" MARV wonders.

MARV's innocent question isn't taken so innocently by the hot tempered Soul. The New Orleans native comes scorching across the ring only to be thrown overhead with an awesome back flip armdrag! As Soul curses his ill luck, MARV kips right up and applies the tag to MEL!

"YEAAAAAAA!"

Mama Nerdly's favorite set of twins scrape Soul off the canvas and keep him dizzied with a barrage of knife edge chops. They hurl him into the ropes, and he's bounced back into a Double Kickflip (double dropsault) that throws him several feet backwards before he comes down hard on his spine. MARV exits the ring, and MEL hooks the leg for the fall...

ONE!

TWO!

A kickout by Soul! The dean of funk makes a fast return to his feet. Unfortunately MEL is right there with him and swings his arm over his head for a sideheadlock. Soul and MEL struggle over the simple move for some time until the former pimp is able to shove MEL into the ropes. What he isn't able to do, however, is stop MEL from dropping him straight on his afro with a running DDT!

COACH
Damn! Ain't no amount of afro sheen gonna help that!

COLE
What exactly does afro sheen do?

COACH
Does it look like I would know?

MEL pulls Soul back to his feet and snaps his arm downwards with an arm wringer. He holds the arm tight within his grip using it to lead Soul to the CAE corner, where he applies the tag to MARV.

"Time to party, MARVY MARV!" MEL cheers, an instruction for his twin to climb to the top rope.

COLE
MARV getting high!

COACH
Congratulations you were presented an opportunity to make the lamest joke of the show and you just jumped right on it. You are officially a moron.

MARV makes the RAWK hand signal to the RAWKIN fans before he comes off with a dropkick that slices through Soul's arm. The pimp drops down to the knees of his gator skinned pants, almost crying from the incredible hurt he feels.

"Yeah you are world championship material!" Rico taunts "You are the next Ric Flair! The Natural Man! Setting the jets, riding the stretcher limousines, that's you, mang."

COLE
Amazing. Krista has buried this team so far, they now just son themselves when she's not around.

MARV grabs onto the legendary afro and lifts his rival off the canavs. Soul is of course displeased that someone would lay their hands on his precious hair. Thusly he feels no qualms about shooting a forearm into MARV's southern comfort. The referee on the other hand? He has a few objections.

"I got yo rules on my backside, you no-luck, broked-up, crossed eyed trick!" Soul says, and then puts the exclamation point on his comment with violent kicks to MARV's ribs.

"This is how pimpin does pimpin!" he shouts towards Rico before turning around and blasting MARV with a lethal dropkick. The skater hits the mat, appearing to be completely out of it. This prompts Soul to take a run off the ropes, but as he returns, MARV slides towards him. Barely able to avoid the trip, Soul leaps over the Canadian. Bounding off the ropes, he's a telegraphed leapfrog from MARV and charges ahead to take advantage of it. His play is a success as he bores through MARV with a straight ahead version of the pounce! MARV tumbles through the air, his body looking like its been hit by sports car. He splatters onto the canvas and is instantly overcome by an infinite amount of pain. Maybe not infinite. Then he'd be dead.

COLE
My stars, what a pounce that was! These athletes laying it all on the line for the Anderson Cup.

Soul begrudgingly, very begrudgingly, applies a tag to Rico De Janerio. The Brazilian enters the ring full of a confident swagger, that draws the ire of the audience as well as his partner. De Janerio doesn't help his case with the audience, when flicks sweat off his hairy chest onto a now standing MARV. The former tag champ hasn't a second to try and gain revenge; Rico smashes his arm across his back in a clubbing forearm. MARV is dropped to his knees, and the pain continues with the South American striking him in the shoulder with his flag patterned boots.

"DEPORT RICO! DEPORT RICO! DEPORT RICO!" the fans chant. The referee might wish he had the power as he watches RDJ ferociously stomp on the neck of his downed rival.

COLE
I think the matches should be called even tighter in the Anderson Cup. The dirtier superstars are going to skirt the edges even more with so much being on the line. There's no reason we shouldn't have our officials keep them in check.

COACH
You want Clem Buzzlefoxer to decide the outcome of contests like this is the NBA? Even Tim Donaghy wouldn't be so crooked. Check yo self, kid.

MARV fights back with a leaping punch! Although it connects with Rico's jaw, it fails to any serious damage. The now enraged Brazilian fires back with clubbing forearms that beat his foe to the ground.

"WHO WANTS A MUSTACHE RIDE?"

"BOOOOOOOO!"

After dismissing the audience with a wave and a scowl, the sleazebag drags MARV to his feet. He pulls him in close and then slams his beefy arm into the cruiserweight's thin chest.

"YOU CHANGE YO MIND ON THAT MUSTACHE RIDE?"

"BOOOOOOOO!"

This time Rico is slightly more vulgar in his expression of his displeasure with the fans; yelling at them for their constant negativity. During his inane fit, MARV is able to take the time he needs to gather back his strength. Once back upright he makes a dash to the ropes, rebounding  to drop Rico with a  leaping double knee strike!

"YEAAAAA!"

But, MARV's comeback ends prematurely thanks to Soul. The funk brother lifts him onto his shoulders and turns his lights out with a Fro 2 Sleep! On the ring apron, MEL has, what's for a stoner, quit the irate tantrum. The fans share his sentiments and loudly chastise the referee for letting Soul even enter the ring.

You can make a bitch, you can fake a bitch, you can buy a bitch,  you can defy a bitch, you can see a bitch, you can G a bitch, but you can't never be a bitch. Rico you a bitch! Pin this man!"

For reasons I can't possibly fathom, Rico refuses to follow Soul's instructions. This leaves Soul consternated, and he goes as far as to order the referee to force Rico to make a pin. Rico instead decides to pick MARV up and snatch him inside a front facelock. He grabs onto his tights, preparing to lift him into a vertical suplex. But MARV stuns him with a counter, birding him backwards and throwing him down with a northern lights suplex! The fans cheer as the referee drops to his knees to apply the count.

ONE!

TWO!

Kickout!

"You ain't nothing but a Kentucky Fried Minded, crackerjack mothaFUCKA!" Soul belts out at Rico. He doesn't even wait for a response from his one time best friend. Instead he smacks him on the back and enters the ring amidst many protests from Rico.

COLE
I don't know how this happened, but for all the in fighting, the Wrecking Crew actually have a better chance of winning this match

COACH
Shoved that team chemistry nonsense back in yo face! You suckin like Charles Barkley just passed you a twenty. YADA!

Hunching over, Soul waits for MARV to get back to his feet. But when the High Times poster boy finally does, its Soul who gets struck first, courtesy of a few well placed elbows to the head. Just trying to keep his noggin from being blasted off his skull, the Louisiana native shoves MARV away. But he doesn't have the time to regain his strength as he would've liked. MARV comes right back to run him down with elbow straight to the forehead.

"Yo you just got hit with the gooooood shiiiiiit." MARV cracks up laughing that trademark rapidly paced stoner laugh. That laugh seems to motivate Soul to hop to his feet, and his eyes pulse and flicker with hatred.

"You ain't laughin at me! You dead, you Alaskan reeferwood!"

"Hhehehehe I'm Canadian, maaaaaaaaaan"

"You dead Canadian Maaaaaaaaaaan!"

"Hehheheheh. You're funny, dude. I like you. We should chill sometime. Get some kegs, some chicks, do the bonfire thing. Or we can just lay low and smoke the righteous bush and you can watch Amen with me and Mel."

"Amen is my shit, man! That Deacon, dude is epic!" MEL interjects.

"His daughter Thelma is my girl! Not lyin, that chick is fapping material to this day."

COACH
Is this better or worse than being sunned by Krista.

COLE
Worse. At least with Krista you might make it into the pages of People magazine. Larger circulation than High Times.

Through with discussing the sitcoms of the 80's, Soul makes a play for MARV.  MARV beats him back with a pair right jabs, and Soul is forced to retreat to the ropes. On the come back he leaps at the skater with a crossbody block. Much to his dismay, he lands right into the arms of his opponent. However, rather than continue to panic, he takes advantage of MARV's underwhelming strength and expertly powers out.  He comes down in front of MARV, who's befuddled from losing his grip on the former pimp. This allows the godfather of New Orleans Soul to quickly take him on his shoulders in set up for the Fro 2 Sleep.

"BOOOOO!" the audience shouts, having little desire to see Soul have any success. Their boos are changed into cheers by the resourceful Nerdly twin as he frantically slithers free of Soul's oddly weak grip. He touches down on his boots, hunching into an attack position that has him waiting for Soul to turn. Angered over MARV's escape, the ex-con swings around to strike him with an open handed slap. But all he does is fall right MARV's trap, and the Canadian lifts him into his shoulders in a standing fireman's carrty!

COLE
Not good for Soul!

MARV throws Soul forward as he raises his knee into the air. Gravity does its part and brings the former pimp down onto his foe's knee for the Fro2Sleep. The fans pop huge, delighted to see Soul struck by his own finisher.

COACH
Damn! Talk about a humiliation. Laid out by your own move right here in the Anderson Cup first round!

With Soul grounded by a monstrous headache, MARV has full freedom to make the tag with his brother. That is until Rico punishes him with a devastating lariat. As the fans blast him with hatred, he stomps away MARV, hitting him for the duration of the referee's 5 count.

"You will not win Anderson's Cup!" Rico shouts over his shoulder, finally leaving the ring.

COLE
A cheapshot from Rico, but do you expect anything less from the Wrecking Crew. Even in disarray they're trying to steal the damn victory!

COACH
It's the AC, dawg. You do what you gotta do. Its win or go home! Or win and not get booked next week, here.

Soul comes off the canvas, with little in the way of gratitude for Rico's aid. Still looking groggy, he stumbles over to MARV and lazily pulls the skater upright. MARV  shocks him with a pair of right hands that delight the sold out audience.  The strikes daze Soul, leaving him out on his feet. This permits MARV to charge towards the ropes and springboard back with a cross body block. But Soul knocks him out the way with an awesome dropkick! MARV is thrown to the ground, barely avoiding a terrible landing on his head.  Soul staggers backwards, still hobbled by the theft of his finisher. Much to his disgust his graceless path leads right to his corner, and Rico makes an unwanted tag.

COLE
These two almost have to force their way into the match. If either of them had their druthers, they'd make it a handicap contest.

Rico enters the ring with a forearm that slaps across MARV's downed head. The fans try to rally the Canadian as Rico talks trash to him. They find some success with their words; MARV begins kicking away at Rico's ankles. He hobbles Rico and one ferocious kick sinks him to his knees. But he doesn't stay there for long, and stands up to paste a rising MARV in the jaw with a punch. He staggers over, looking as if he were about to fall out. But, Rico keeps him aloft with a whip to the ropes. The sleazy Brazilian lowers his head head, trying to goad MARV into leap frogging him. But MARV won't fall or these tricks and kicks Rico directly in the chest. The fans pop and both competitors stumble from pain with MARV landing himself into the corner.

"CHRIST COMPELS YOU! CHIRST COMPELS YOU! CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" the fans chant, perhaps not realizing the Christ Air name comes from skateboarding trick not a love of Jesus.

Rico makes a mad dash to the ropes, and leaps high into the sky to flatten his foe with a lariat! But at the last minute MARV dives out the way and Rico crashes into the hard ring posts. As his pained and manic screams fill the arena air, MARV rolls to his corner and makes the tag with MEL!

"YEAAAAAAAAAA!"

COLE
Mama Nerdly's baby boys are about to start cooking!

COACH
In their world its baking, and these slackers are always baked.

MEL comes like a marijuana plant on fire, blazing through Rico with a leaping heel kick! Rico tries to make a fast return upright, but even as he does MEL is circling around him to the ropes. As MEL bounces back he takes towards the air moving to Rico. His leg goes across his neck and he brings him down with the Noseplant (Rocker Dropper!)

"SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE!" the audience chants, as MEL continues running the ropes. He times his return just as Rico begins to rise and succeeds in knocking over the South American with a diving elbow strike.

COLE
Question their training methods all you want, Coach, but these talented young superstars have turned up the heat!

Just as Cole finishes that sentence the CAE is cooled down by a running boot from the president of pimpin!

"Get yo scrub butt up, no nuts" He barks at Rico. But, Soul soon joins Rico on the ground thanks to a thundering punch from MARV!

"YEAAAAAAA!"

Rico uses the ropes to make an unsteady rise, but he has to be quick on his defense with MARV charging in. He ducks low, wraps his arm around MARV's leg and upends the stoner over the ropes. The fans scream in shock as the former tag chaompion endures a hard splatter onto the floor. Meanwhile in the ring, MEL is having quite a bit more luck than his brother as he begins throwing Soul over for the Melanoma (sitout powerslam)! But the ex pimp counters with an arm drag and MEL is thrown over to the canvas!  He hasn't time to attend to his wounds due to Soul forcing him upright. Rico sees this as a perfect time to strike MEL down and runs forward with boot raised!  But the skater slides away from his approaching shoe, and he connects perfectly with Soul's jaw.

"YEAAAAAAAAA!" screams the capacity crowd as Soul timbers over to the ring mat.

COLE
What on earth? I can only guess that Rico thought Lucius Soul was holding MEL so he could hit him.

Rico has neither the will, nor more importantly, the way to apologize, thanks to MARV returning to action and battering him with body blows. As his brother weakens their foe, MEL slides out in front of De Janerio.  Once they're both in position they leap up and catch Rico with the Happy Ending (double Ace Crusher)

COLE
They got him!

The fans pop huge as MEL hooks the leg of his defeated opponent. MARV leans against the turnbuckles, smiling over this impending victory.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

COLE
That's it!

The fans join the Nerdly twins in celebration, as Like The Angels kicks back up. Not in a celebratory mood is Soul, kicking the ring ropes in crazed frustration.

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a pinfall and advancing in the second of the Miracle Weirdness Connection...THE CHRIST AIR EXPRESS!

The High Times Stoners Of The Year make their way back up the ramp, nodding to their cheering fans and encouraging kids to stay on drugs.

COLE
What a victory by these talented youngsters! Mama Nerdly's baby boys are alright. They'll move on to take on the winner of The Enterprise against The Love Doctors. Two tough opponents no matter how you slice it.

COACH
Caucasian, please. The Enterprise is taking this thing all the way to podium. Mister Moneymaker and Mister Wright are gonna be the first repeat winners. Bank on that.

COLE
Think for yourself for once! The Love Doctors are a sharp well oiled team with great fan support. Forget their seed, they're going to be a serious threat for an upset.

COACH
The only upset that'll happen is when you get pissy that the camera didn't give you enough Pigley crotch shots.

COLE
Jerk!

There's an even more heated, and anger ridden argument in the ring between the losing team. Both men distraught over their failure to advance are pinning blame on the other for their shortcomings. Hurtful insults are hurled, and met with vulgar taunts and claims, as each man grows madder by the moment. Finger pointing emerges and it takes but a few put downs to escalate into shoving. Shoving brings upon more vulgarities and threats. Only one threat is acted on though; a hard slap by Rico.

"OOOOOOOH!"

COLE
You can't pimp slap a pimp!

The aghast expression on Soul's face speaks volumes to this. But shock becomes outrage and outrage becomes Soul grabbing his soon to be former partner onto his shoulders.

COACH
No! Playa, no! Don't do it!

FRO2SLEEP ON RICO DE JANERIO!!

"OOOOOOOOOH!"

Soul looks down on his beaten and battered foe with the most satisfied of grins. His hands twitch with eagerness, almost as if they were hungering for more damage. Black eyes spark with ferocity, the kind seen  who's fighting sprit has been reborn.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO MESS WITH ME" he hollers with all his voice at Rico. There's no answer from the downed Brazilian, leaving it the last words of this troubled breakup. Soul exits the ring, seeing clearly and filling full of renewed life and energy.

COLE
Wow! Well, did that put an end to the Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew?

COACH
Uh, probably? He kneed him straight in the face! Pimpin ain't ever gonna die but the Wrecking Crew sho did tonight.

COLE
Promise me you'll never hurt me like that.

COACH
Never my darling hummingbird! Never!

LATER TONIGHT
FIRST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION
PANIC AT THE DISCO! VS TEAM HEYROSS
TONIGHT

[Chanel #99]

WHERE AMI WHEREAMI WHEREMEAMIA WHERE AM I WHEREAMI WHEREMI AMI WHERE AMI WMHEIAHR? Oh, the office of general manager/president/empress/angle award winner Josie Baker!

JOSIE
Good evening. I haven't always made decisions that are all that popular with the OAOAST Marks during my second go round here in the OAOAST. But then I've made some calls that take you all to seventh heaven. Whether I'm the greatest GM alive or the dumbest bitch in wrestling, I make moves to better the OAOAST. Unfortunately, the OAOAST Marks' best interest and the OAOAST's best interests don't always get along. That's crappy, I know. But tonight I'm going to have everyone from the chairman of the board to the guy in 300th row calling me the greatest GM of all time. I have an announcement that's going to make everyone happy. Well, almost except a few uptight billionaires and some well endowed pricks. January 29th is the biggest night in HeldDOWN history. Every episode has been building to this one show from Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles. This show is our hallmark of excellence, our loveletter to ourselves and to the OAOAST Marks. It is out historic 300th episode! You'll see the top tag teams brawl for supremacy as the Anderson Cup continues on in the home of the Blue Crew. OAOAST Originals, Hall of Famers, legends, and guys who ain't got shit better to do but earn a payday are gonna be on hand. And in the mainevent, beneath the California sky she's lived under all her life, in the stadium she grew up going to baseball games in, the epitome of what it means to be a California girl, tall, blond, hot, and famous Krista Isadora Duncan will be awarded her first world title shot EVER in our 300th mainevent!

"YEAAAAAAAAA!"

JOSIE
See you from Los Angeles for one hell of a party.

OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE
LIVE FROM DODGER STADIUM IN LOS ANGELES
***FEATURING***
WRESTLER OF THE YEAR KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN COMPETING FOR THE WORLD TITLE
SECOND ROUND ANDERSON CUP MATCHES
AND MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE
OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE


if KC has a segment it can go here perhaps. yesh?

Yesh!

Inside the Cucaracha Internacional dressing room we find James Blonde, sat flipping through a fashion magazine that he's clearly nabbed from either the Duncan girls' dressing room or the make-up table. As he goes over the latest trends in fashion, which of course being The Trendsetter he'll claim he was pioneering four months ago, into the room enters Landon Maddix in mid-conversation on his cellphone. Blonde quickly skims the women's mag behind him and starts the more manly pasttime of twiddling his thumbs before his boss spots him.

MADDIX
Okay Megs, seven o'clock. Can't wait. Take care babe, I'll see you later. (hangs up) I tell you Jay, first dinner with your parents, now Megan's, I'm a man in demand lately!

BLONDE
You're in a good mood, considering.

MADDIX
Of course I'm in a good mood! Things are looking up! Finally, finally there's that little glimmer of hope I've been straining my eyes for that tells me Cucaracha Internacional's not the waste of my time I drunkenly proclaimed it to be to you on Christmas Day.

Clearly a sore subject still, Blonde tries to laugh it off.

MADDIX
Okay, 2008 didn't end so well for us. But, hey, we're hardly alone in that sense are we? Difference is, we're gonna turn it around in 2009. Look at it so far, first show of the year and finally we make a statement, the kind of statement I've been waiting for you guys to make for months. A statement of intent.

BLONDE
Something to make people sit up and take notice?

MADDIX
Precisely. Nobody who saw it will ever look at Cucaracha Internacional the same way. Instead they're going to be looking and worrying. Worrying that they might be next in line. We'd become too predictable. No chance of that now, huh?

BLONDE
Oh if there's one thing he's not, it's predictable.

MADDIX
No kidding, who could have seen that coming? Really? And to come away with the gold on top of it all, that's what makes the statement.

BLONDE
Absolutely. I mean, I'll admit when he started tipping the sofa over I was kinda worried...

During this conversation, Todd Cortez can be seen entering the locker room behind Blonde and Maddix. Heaving his bag up off of his shoulder, Cortez dumps it on the bench at the back of the room, getting their attention. For a second, Blonde's attentions never swaying from the boss for too long.

BLONDE
...but in the end I figured "hey, bell's gone, we've still got the belts so that's really all that matte..."

MADDIX
(suddenly ignoring Blonde)
Todd! We were just talking about you!

BLONDE


CORTEZ
Great. If you want to say it to my face, I'll be in the corner.

Landon stands up and walks over to Todd wagging his finger.

MADDIX
Woah woah woah! Are you kidding me? Your days of changing in the corner are over!

BLONDE
Huh?

With Cortez looking confused, Landon wraps a friendly arm around his shoulders and leads him back to the centre of the dressing room, sitting him in the seat James Blonde had just stood up from.

MADDIX
Don't you get it? You finally did it. You finally proved yourself. All these months of stubborn resistance and still it hasn't sunken in? This... THIS is what I've been trying to get out of you all this time. This is the success I promised you. You're the United States Champion now. Which means we've got even more gold. And even better, thanks to you, Cucaracha Internacional beat The Deadly Alliance to get it!

CORTEZ
Woah woah... I beat Alfdogg...

MADDIX
Exactly! You beat him and you passed the test. I'll be honest, I've always had the upmost faith in you which is why I've been fighting so damn hard to convince you Cucaracha Internacional is the key to your success. But even I was beginning to wonder if it was worth the hassle. And then you go and beat Alfdogg... Alfdogg, man, former World Champion! This is only the start too. The sky's the limit now you've come around to our way of thinking, I guarantee it. The shackles are off. ...I'm so proud of you man.

At the sight of a HUG initated by his boss, James Blonde's eyebrows peak and his mouth gapes. Cortez doesn't reciprocate of course, but even so he doesn't exactly push Landon away either. Once Landon peels himself away, neither Todd or Blonde look too comfortable with what just happened, but as usual Landon is oblivious to it all.

MADDIX
I've got a feeling it's gonna be a... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

As Landon goes to collect Todd's bags from the dark recesses of the room, Blonde and Cortez exchange a glare.

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Earlier in the week, what we can only assume were Molly Nerdly's cameras caught up with goings-on in the Duncan household. Let's take a look.


Earlier this week
The Duncan Family Beverly Hills Mansion
Los Angeles, California

Inside the spacious living room we find Krista Isadora Duncan is laid up on the sofa, wearing an icepack on her forehead and a sullen look on her face. More-so than usual. The effects of her concussion have left the celebrity socialite incapable of doing much at all really, besides enjoy how comfortable her expensive leather couch feels in a way she never really found the time or need for before. Her eyes stare glazed at the huge high-def plasma screen mounted on her wall, as on the other side of the room we see Jade Rodez-Duncan passing by. The other side of the room is quite a way away, bear in mind. Jade glances over at her sofa-ridden mother as she picks up a set of keys off of a sidetable.

JADE
Are you doing okay, Mom? Do you need a refill of your lemonade before I go out?

KRISTA
I honey, you're so naive bless you, I only told Maya it was lemonade cause she's been on my case about my notorious alcohol consumption lately. Ever since those damn health Nazis at her school gave her that anti-drug seminar, it's bitch, bitch, bitch. Talk about a waste of time. Give it three years, she won't be singing that tune while she's crawling through the bathroom window of a seedy LA nightclub behind Madonna's kid and that oldest Beckham son. Until then, yes, I'd like you to top up my 'lemonade'. Liquor cabinet, second shelf and don't be stingy.

Routing through the nearest liquor cabinet (like there'd be only one of them! yeah right!), Jade tops her mother's glass up, with no such qualms about what excessive alcohol consumption will do to her long-term health. Hey, she must be in the will now!

KRISTA
Hang on a second. Maybe it's the concussion talking, or the double lemonade on the rocks I just had talking, or quite likely the combination of the alcohol and brain fluid swimming around my skull clouding my equilibrium, but did you just say you were going out?

JADE
Yeah.

KRISTA
Alix already took Maya to soccer practice though. Aah, soccer practice. A strong team activity with a dozen other girls in short shorts running around with you, played by men in all corners of the world except these United States. If that won't butch her up a bit, nothing will. Sorry, thinking aloud again, think it may be a side-effect of the concussion. Or the side-effect of crippling boredom. I swear E! has shown this Olsen Twins THS a dozen times in the past month. They've turned 18, they're in obscurity, deal with it and let America move on to it's next jailbait fantasy.

JADE
I know Alix took her. I was thinking I'd just go shopping, if that's okay. My pay for last month came through and I was thinking I'd treat myself to a couple of new clothes or something with my win bonus from New Year's.

KRISTA
*sobs*

JADE
Oh, Mom, it's okay, hang on and I'll get you a paracetemol!

KRISTA
No, it's not the head, although the paracetemol would be splendid. It's just... I've never been more proud of you than I am at this moment!

Not quite understanding why, Jade uses her by now well practiced skill of just letting Krista ramble on about whatever crazy thought is in her head while trying to look as though she's understanding it all. And then, once Krista's paused for breath, she can jump in. It's just a matter of patience.

JADE
Okay, well, I'm gonna be going now, so if you need anything say so.

KRISTA
No no, I'll be fine.

JADE
Right, see ya.

Before Jade can get out the front door though, the pause for breath has ended.

KRISTA
Before you go there is one teensy thing I wanted to confront you about... I mean talk to you about... no, sorry, right the first time. What happened to all your Angle Awards?

JADE
Oh... I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I just put them in a box in the closet.

Krista's jaw just about hits the floor.

JADE
Well, I mean, I figured that way I'll see them every time I need to grab a pair of shoes...

KRISTA
Alas! My dreams of a perfect daughter have been dashed as quickly as they had arisen! Woe is me! Please please please tell me you're just joking with me in an attempt to raise my blood pressure and further exacerbate my concussion causing me to have to make a trip to the hospital, allowing you to throw a raucous party behind my back. Please tell me that! I bought you that solid mahogany trophy cabinet for a reason and it wasn't to collect dust and that bogus second place ribbon you got with that lopsided sponge cake in our street's baking competition. Oh, the things rich people do to pass the time. If you'd laced it with the heroin like Alix's recipe told you, you'd have won first prize in a heartbeat, irregular as it may have been made by the heroin. If you had any ambition, you'd have done it! And you'd put your awards on the walls for strangers to see. That cabinet was to show off and make a big deal of your life to Mommy's friends when they visit! As you know, being part of the stinking rich Hollywood set my grasp on the value of money has long since been warped, but my personal accountant insists it was very expensive.

JADE
Okay Mom, I'll put them up later if it makes you happy.

KRISTA
Oh, it's no big deal sweetie, any day'll do.

Despite the urge to the contrary, Jade takes a nice deep calming breath and turns to leave. If Jade thinks she's escaped yet though, she's sadly mistaken.

KRISTA
One more thing. You've been doing this weird thing with your mouth recently where it kinda contorts at the edges and your then lips open up ever so slightly, thus putting your teeth on display to people.

JADE
Smiling?

KRISTA
That's it, yes. Very unusual. If there's anything you want to tell me, you know how to leave a message on my voicemail.

JADE
Uhm, thanks?

Finally Jade is gone... or, is she? No, otherwise I wouldn't have added the 'is she', would I?

KRISTA
Jade!

JADE
(comes running back into the room)
Yes?

KRISTA
Don't forget to tell them your name and who you're related to.

JADE
Oh Mom, you know I hate doing that.

KRISTA
You won't hate it so much when every store gives you a 10% discount and tries to palm free clothes off on you in the hope you'll get photographed in them and garner them free publicity. Come on. What do I keep telling you?

JADE
*sighs* What Mommy's girl wants, Mommy's girl gets.

KRISTA
She's learning! *claps hands excitedly* OH! Oh, my head. Go on, run along now.

JADE
Bye!

Not hanging around to be asked anymore questions, Jade is halfway out the door before it's even opened. And that's impossible, that's how fast she's out! As the door to the palacial mansion slams Krista cringes again. Realising she's now home alone, she sighs. Grabbing the TV remote off of the makeshift bedside table next to her, Krista flicks through a couple of channels before deciding there's nothing on and tossing it aside. A few seconds pass and apparantly, those few seconds are so boring, they're enough to prompt Krista into picking up the phone in desperation.

KRISTA
Hello... yeah, I'd like the number for the nearest escort service please... no, female... yes, I'll hold...


--~~--

COLE
Welcome back to HeldDOWN~!, fans.  We're here in Providence, Rhode Island tonight, and we've got James Riggs in the ring ready to do battle with...honestly, we're not sure who!

COACH
Gotta love how we're in the know, Mikey Cole.

Riggs adjust his wrist tape, and looks up the aisleway, when suddenly the lights dim.  The bassy beginning of Duran Duran's collaboration with Timabland and Justin Timberlake, "Nite Runner"

, kicks in, and two scantily clad beauties come dancing out, one headed towards either side of the entrance.  After their arrival, a large man with a bushy beard and dark hair, about 7 feet tall easy, wearing a longsleeve fishnet shirt, black pants, a gold chain and sunglasses enters, rocking his body slowly to the beat.  He stands at the entranceway at the girls continue their dance routine, coming over to both grope and dance with him down the aisleway.

COLE
What in the world...

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is set for one fall.  Approaching the ring at this time, hailing from Berlin, Germany, and weighing in at four hundred, fifty three pounds...

DJ GIANT JESUS~!

COACH AND COLE
DJ Giant Jesus!?!?

Strobe lights flicker as DJ Giant Jesus pulls himself up onto the apron, then steps over the top rope into the ring.  Immediately, Riggs attacks, clubbing the large specimen, only to get shoved down to the canvas as DJ Giant Jesus gets into the ring.

COLE
Whoever this guy is, he's huge!

COACH
That's gotta be why those girls love him.

Riggs comes up, charging in again, but his head is grabbed by the large hand of DJ Giant Jesus, and then he gets flattened with a headbutt from the big man!

COLE
I...I don't think James Riggs was prepared for this!

The crowd is in awe, as DJ Giant Jesus picks Riggs up and sends him to the ropes, then simply lifts his leg, causing Riggs to come running back right into a big boot!  The crowd starts to get into the big man as he lifts his arms, and screams out "DISCO!  DISCO!" before doing the head dance that Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan made famous in Rush Hour!

COACH
He's...he's a dancing machine!

COLE
At that size, he's a killing machine, I don't care how much he likes to dance!

Riggs has come up to his feet, but he's hobbling around, not sure of what to do.  With his back turned to the new OAOAST rival, Riggs doesn't see the giant lumber towards him, then pull him up onto his shoulders with a torture rack before flipping him over into a pancake move, all in one swift motion!

COACH
YO~!~!~!

DJ Giant Jesus uses his foot to roll Riggs onto his back, then places a foot on his chest, as the referee makes the count!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING!  DING!  DING!

"Nite Runner" kicks in again, as Michael Buffer makes the official announcment.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner...DJ GIANT JESUS!

COLE
DJ Giant Jesus...did you ever think you'd see the day?!!?

With his theme song blaring, the Giant's dancers climb into the ring, each dancing near the ropes to lure the crowd into the act, as the Giant gets behind both of them, doing a little dirty dancing that gets the crowd roaring!

COLE
I think they like him here tonight!

The dancers dance over to the ropes, and sit on the middle rope, opening it for the Giant...who then simply steps over the ropes, ignoring the chivalry of the girls!  He turn and helps them both off the apron, and walks them hand in hand up the aisle, disappearing behind the curtain as we head to break!

LATER TONIGHT
AN OAOAST DEBUT
NAME VS JAMES CONE
TONIGHT!

THE MAINEVENT
ORIGINAL GANGSTAS
CWM VS HOMETOWN BOY ZACK MALIBU
TONIGHT!

[Chanel #99]

Sitting inside the catacomb of the fortress of Nerdlytude is Malaysia Nerdly. Her little corner in the Nerdly world is poorly lit through small candles. This illumination isn’t from a hopeless romantic or a serne yogi but someone who’s paid more attention to her myriad of bondage toys than proper lighting.

MALAYSIA
Krista, Krista. My blond sex goddess its me, your mistress and mother superior. Jock is a beautiful man, and I love him. But he’s an opinionated man, and he says mean things about you. Terrible, terrible things. Then he goes and does terrible things to you.   You’re not the innocent victim, everybody makes you out to be. I don’t think you’re the damsel in the distress, they all want to believe you are. I know better. I’ve experienced you. You did something terrible to me during our dildo on a pole match. Something happened. You intoxicated me. Your supple firm breasts filing my hands, your hard perfect ass grinding against me, your juicy red lips caressing my stiff nipples. You got me high. You’re my own personal brand of heroin. When I joined with Reject and Melissa to put you down…when I had to watch your prone body, panties visible, huge breasts spilling out your bikini top, lye on the ground I thought I’d overdose. Seeing you so hurt, made me hotter than I’ve ever been. When I got back to the hotel room, I took the video of us worsening your concussion, popped it into the dvd player, and I took my two fingers and I slid them right in. I pictured they were fingers, pleasuring me, filling me up while your barely able to stay awake after  the beating I gave you. I should’ve seen this coming when I fought Jade. If the daughter is so great the mother must be wonderful! You are. You’re like nothing I’ve ever had before. I’ve never been with a true life celebrity.  There’s never been a Hollywood starlet who broke in my arms. Who I filled with ten inches of a strap on and pounded her bent over body on this spanking table, and who looked backed at me and begged for more. You’re going to be my first. I’m going to physically punish and sexually dominate a Hollywood Walk of Famer, the sexiest woman in the world, at Anglepalooza in this room. You will see me at the Malaysia’s Dungeon Match.

FADE OUT


NEW YEAR'S SPECTACULAR '09
One Week Ago

Abdullah pulls the referee outside, and then he gets yanked onto the apron for a face to face with Ned. The Colonel does his best lawyer’s plea to no avail. Ned prepared to wish him a Happy New Year in his own special way, until he hears footsteps and moves aside. A head-on collision with Abdullah a certainty, divine intervention sets in and Synth is able to put on the brakes. Disaster averted the two men share a hug and kiss on both cheeks.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Ned interrupts and it’s…

…KICK, WHAM, SLINGSHOT SU… NO!

SAB floats over and holds Ned in place for the Colonel.

COLE
What’s going on here?

Abdullah opens a small bag and THROWS POWDER INTO THE EYES OF SYNTH!

COACH
Oh, no!

COLE
Ned ducked!

Blanchard grabs the CLAPBOARD in the BHB corner and WALLOPS Synth, which goes unnoticed by the official who also got hit with some of the powder, rendering him blind momentarily!

COACH
Wait a minute.

The cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

* DINGDINGDING *

COLE
And welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the longest-running episodic series in TSM history.

COACH
Crushing the previous mark held by Cole’s Bar, which was what, 3?  

COLE
Well at least I had a show. Anyway, vintage Beverly Hills Blonds last week in their first round Anderson Cup victory, but people are still talking about their proposal to Theodore Moneymaker, including the Billion Dollar Heir himself who had this to say on the live OAOAST Afterparty webcast following the New Year’s Spectacular.

Courtesy: OAOAST.com

Dressed to the nines, Theodore Moneymaker, drink in hand, joins Tony Brannigan and Terry Taylor on the AP lounge set, all 3 seated on stools. Also present, Moneymaker’s Enterprise partners, with right hand man Christian Wright at the Billion Dollar Heir’s side. Patty sez CPA is wearin a party hat because party hats are funny.

MONEYMAKER
BWAHAHA! As if my night couldn’t possibly get any better. First I beat Zack Malibu clean right in the middle of the ring, and then those blond knuckleheads Simon and Ned drop all legal claim to the BHB name!

WRIGHT
I say, fellows, 3 cheers for Teddy! Hip hip…

THE ENTERPRISE
Hooray!

WRIGHT
Hip hip…

THE ENTERPRISE
Hooray!

WRIGHT
Hip hip…

THE ENTERPRISE
Hooray!

MONEYMAKER


BRANNIGAN
Don’t go popping the cork yet, Teddy. Not only have you not heard the last of Zack Malibu, especially after how you stole one tonight, but you and Christian Wright must still defeat the Beverly Hills Blonds somewhere along the line before the Enterprise can claim 100% ownership of the BHB name. However, should they beat you, then you must return the Siclopse.

WRIGHT
Please, Mr. Brannigan, don’t make me laugh. Victory for us is a foregone conclusion. But at least you realize there’s little chance of a Moneymaker/Wright-Singleton/Blanchard Anderson Cup final because I think our former associates have find it quite difficult.

BRANNIGAN/TAYLOR


MONEYMAKER
Normally I’d let my attorneys handle such a matter, but this is like stealing candy from a baby…or millions from gullible investors! BWAHAHA!

End video.

COLE
Vintage Enterprise, and I don't like it one bit. I think I speak for the OAOAST Marks when I say I'm pulling for a Love Doctor's victory next week. Folks, we'll be back with more after this!

SYNDICATED IN THE 09
THIS WEEK ON SYNDICATED
ANDERSON CUP PREVIEW: TYLER BRYANT VS DANNY BOY
FRENCH NEW WAVE IN ACTION!
AND MORE!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN is Brought To You By



ALIX MARIA SPEZIA FOR OAOAST360.COM

We see Alix (in bra and panties of course) standing in front of a chaotic suburban home scene. A young business man is standing in mortal fear of a raging wife who’s left all his wordly possessions littered across the front lawn.

ALIX MARIA SPEZIA
Has this ever happened to you? You come home from a hard day at work and you can’t get to watch your favorite OAOAST stars at action. Maybe you found all your personal belongings on the sidewalk, some smashed into bits, others auctioned off to random passerbys. You’d like to get into your house, but your wife is on the porch pointing a shotgun at you. Oh no! She‘s found the emails you’ve sent your Cuban lover, Eduardo. Hey, we’ve all been there, we all have our moment of weakness when we hunger for a teenage boy from a communist country. But does your wife want to hear it? She says no and shoots you in the leg. It only grazes your femur and you can still make a quick retreat. Running down the street with your wife firing shots behind you and your neighbors laughing at your misfortune all you can think about is how are you ever going to see your favorite OAOAST Superstars? Do you still have your cellphone? I hope so, otherwise she’d find the pictures of her on the toilet you and her father masturbate to. Check out OAOAST360.com developed by ESPN and Melody Nerdly. Your superstars anytime, anywhere, anyplace, like when you’re sleeping on a bed of newspapers bellow the overpass until she either calms down or runs out of bullets. OAOAST360.com. Go today!


BACK FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK, and LUNAR PHOENIX’s music is just dying out as he paces back and forth in the ring.

COLE:  Here we are, fans, with a matchup kicked off last week by Lunar Phoenix’s apparent distaste for the fanfare that the new kids around here are getting.

COACH:  Ol’ Spidey may have bitten off more than he can chew.  Hule Bartowski’s straight hoss.

COLE:  He’s also got some fans here tonight, Coachie.

COACH:  The fuck did you just call me?

COLE:  Coach… I called you Coach.

COACH:  Make damn sure you did.

COLE:  At any rate, we’ve got some guests at ringside this evening –

REMEMBER THE NAME hits –

MODERATE POP for the new guy!

COLE:  Fort Minor is here tonight!

Sure enough, Mike Shinoda is cheesin’ for the camera from center, camera-side, mouthing unintelligible props for –

HULE “THE NAME” BARTOWSKI is THROUGH THE CURTAIN, standing at the top of the stage.  Dressed in a sleeveless t-shirt and his usual ring gear, he takes a minute to scan the crowd through his oakleys.  With a genuine grin he makes his way down towards the ring.

COACH:  Check him out.  He’s cool, he’s confident.  Rumor is, boy’s magic, Cole.

COLE:  Let’s hope so.  Lunar Phoenix has been growing into more of a bastard over the last year.  Someone needs to shut him down.  
Maybe for his own good if the buzz in the locker room is any indication.

Name hits the ringpost, one foot in, one foot out standing on the ropes and a turnbuckle.  He takes his shades off and, perhaps in a Bret Hart’ish way, tosses them to a kid in the front row.  He points a finger at Shinoda, who gives a bro nod back.

He never sees Phoenix coming.

Phoenix RUNS, JUMPS, and LOCKS HIS ARMS around Name at the second turnbuckle – BACK DROP DRIVER!  Name’s head bounces off the mat and he rolls over, stunned.  Phoenix is up immediately, putting the boots to him.

DING DING – finally, the bell rings.

COLE:  That sneaky son of a bitch!

COACH:  He knows what he’s gotta do, Cole.

Phoenix drops and locks in a variant of the CROSSFACE, really YANKING IT BACK.  Name’s hand is up, but he’s not tapping.  He lurches, trying to get to the rope, but Phoenix YANKS HARD, bending his back unnaturally.

Name is GROWLING in pain.

He puts his free hand flat and PUSHES UP, lifting HIMSELF AND PHOENIX OFF THE MAT WITH ONE HAND.  A DESPERATE PUSH – HE GETS THE ROPE!

Phoenix lets go and rolls away, clearly a little stunned at that display of strength.  But it came with a price – as Name leans against the middle rope to get his bearings, he’s clearly in a lot of pain – and not from the arm locked in the crossface, but from the shoulder of the arm that he pushed up with.

COLE:  Not a good sign early on.  Impressive, but maybe not the smartest move.

Phoenix is there in a flash once he puts it together, laying the boots to that shoulder.  Name has nowhere to go, but he wraps his other arm around the middle rope, unwilling to let himself be compromised in another submission contest.

Believing he’s done quite a bit of damage, Phoenix takes a break, laughing as be makes a circle around the ring.  He taps his head with his finger, proud of his work.

The ref checks with Name, but Name seems to be saying he can continue.

COLE:  Bartowski’s hanging in there.

Phoenix pauses across the ring, hanging over the rope to say something to Shinoda, which sparks off a shouting match between the two.  

Meanwhile, Name gets to his feet, watching.

A buzz builds.  Phoenix turns around and takes a few steps –

COACH:  BOOOOM!

Name SLAMS HIM WITH A FLYING FOREARM with his good arm!  He rides it all the way down like a clothesline from hell, slamming Phoenix off the mat.  Phoenix looks like his bell was rung, but Name can’t capitalize – he tried to get up with hiss bad arm and faltered.  He starts crawling toward the nearest corner.

Phoenix gets to his feet, slowly, and sees what’s happening.  As Name gets to his feet in the corner, Phoenix SPRINTS IN – PHOENIX KICK!



TO NOWHERE!

Name DUCKS OUT OF THE WAY, leaving Phoenix to HANG HIS LEG over the top rope.  It’s just enough of a distraction for Name to SLAM PHOENIX’S FACE into the TOP TURNBUCKLE.  Name then tries to hook him for a SUPLEX –

But his shoulder can’t take it!  Half way up, it CRUMBLES, as Name SCREAMS, clearly hurt!  Phoenix ends up on top of him in the fall –
PINNING HIM!

The ref slides in!

1!

He doesn’t see Phoenix get his feet on the ropes!

2!

The CROWD IS PISSSED!

COLE:  NO!






3!  


LUNAR PHOENIX WINS @ 5:02!

COACH:  Phoenix must have black magic, Cole!

COLE:  Dick magic is more like it!

COACH:  What?

Phoenix is up, grinning victoriously as the ref holds his arm up.  Bartowski is on his side, nursing his shoulder.  His hurt arm is more or less hanging limp.

COLE:  Looks like he’s really hurt there, Coach.  What an opportunistic bastard!  This could end Hule Bartowski’s career before it really begins!

The X goes up.  As Phoenix makes his way to the back, he’s passed by medics.  He’s GRINNING.

COLE:  No doubt about it now, folks.  Hule Bartowski appears to be seriously injured.  We’ll be back…

COMMERCIAL BREAK



BACK FROM BREAK

REPLAY:  Medics helping The Name to the back.  He’s really hurting from the looks of it.  That arm is just dangling, dead.

COACH:  Phoenix took a hit out on this bitch.

COLE:  No doubt about it.  A combination of bastardly intentions by Phoenix and a poor decision by Bartowski.

COACH: These two are bad news together.  I love it!  Let’s hope these cats hook up again soon.  My guess is, Name’s got a vengeance game to run on Lunar Phoenix. Back in three with more HD on HD!

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
A HOMETOWN HERO FACES HIS TOUGHEST FOE
CWM VS ZACK MALIBU
TONIGHT

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

We return in Josie's office, where Thunderkid and Reject are angrily discussing something with Josie Baker.

TK
Why are those guys in the tournament?

JOSIE
OK, just calm down, you two...

Reject pulls a paper out of his pocket.

REJECT
This contract says that Team Heyross does not get another shot at the OAOAST tag team titles as long as they are held by Thunderkid and Reject.  So, there's really no purpose for them to be in this tournament!

JOSIE
Well, this would be a loophole, then.  The winners of the previous year's Anderson Cup, which was Team Heyross, gets an automatic spot in the following year's tournament.  And the winner of the tournament WILL get a shot at the World tag team champions, no matter who holds those belts.

TK and Reject react in frustration, as the crowd cheers.

JOSIE
Now then, I'm a busy person, you two will have to leave.

TK and Reject walk out, as Josie looks on.
Rock Your Baby hits, as the lights go out, the multi-colored disco ball lowers from the ceiling and the arena fills with a humid, haze-like smoke.  Vinny Valentine, Biff Atlas, Ken Pantera, and Tony Tourettes make their way through the curtains.

COLE
Anderson Cup action up next, let's to Michael Buffer!

BUFFER
The following is a first-round Anderson Cup tag team match, scheduled for one fall!  Making their way to the ring, accompanied by Tony Tourettes and Ken Pantera...at a combined weight of 448 pounds...they are the #8 seed in the Los Infernales bracket...the team of VINNY VALENTINE and BIFF ATLAS...PANIC AT THE DISSSSSSSSSSSSSCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

COLE
Big test for Vinny and Biff, as they draw the defending Anderson Cup champions!

Vinny does his dance in the ring, as Biff stands in the corner and waits, as Shine hits, and the crowd comes to its feet as Team Heyross makes its way to the ring.

BUFFER
Their opponents...at a combined weight of 485 pounds...they are the #1 seed in the Los Infernales bracket...the team of CHARLIE MOSS and QUENTIN BENJAMIN...TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM
MM HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSS!!!!!

COACH
This is not right, Cole, I'm telling you!

COLE
Well, as President Josie Baker said earlier tonight, this is the one loophole in that contract, Team Heyross gets one last shot at Thunderkid and Reject if they prevail in the Anderson Cup!

Team Heyross prepares themselves in the ring, as the referee calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

Vinny starts off with Quentin Benjamin, and dances around the ring, then ties up.  Vinny goes behind, but Benjamin counters with a drop toe hold, then grabs a side headlock.  Benjamin lays back on the headlock.

1...


2...


Vinny gets the shoulder up.  Vinny works his way back to his feet, and shoves Benjamin into the ropes.  Benjamin takes Vinny down with a shoulderblock, then runs to the ropes again.  Vinny rolls over, then attempts a clothesline, which Benjamin ducks, and hits a flying bodypress!

1...



2...



Kickout!

Vinny gets to his feet, and delivers a kick to the gut, then grabs a side headlock.  Benjamin shoves Vinny into the ropes, and drops down, then gets up and leapfrogs Vinny, then catches him with a hiptoss!  He then catches Vinny with an armdrag, then goes to an armbar!

COLE
Well, so far, Vinny has been trying to match wrestling with Quentin Benjamin, and it has not worked out for him at all!

Benjamin drags Vinny over and tags in Moss.

COLE
And the first tag of the match, made by Team Heyross!

Benjamin holds Vinny, as Moss lays in a kick, then takes over on the arm.  He sets up Vinny in the corner, and delivers some forearms, then attempts an Irish whip.  Vinny reverses, but puts his head down, and Moss delivers a kick!

COACH
Vinny got caught with his head down!

Moss charges, but Vinny ducks, and backdrops Moss over the top rope, but Moss lands on the apron.  Moss delivers a shoulder thrust from the apron, then hops over for a sunset flip!

COLE
Moss going for a sunset flip!

Vinny kneels down, and grabs the ropes.

1...



2...



However, the referee stops the count when he sees Vinny's hands on the ropes.  Vinny quickly removes his hands, and Quentin rolls him up!

1...



2...



Kickout!

Vinny goes to the eyes of Moss, then backs him into a corner, and delivers some right hands, then tries a hiptoss.  Moss blocks, then executes a rolling takedown into a heel hook!

COLE
Nice counter by Moss!

Vinny quickly gets into the ropes, then makes a tag to Biff.

COLE
And now finally Vinny able to make a tag, and Biff Atlas in there.

Moss goes into tieup, but Biff gets in a shot to the gut.  Biff follows with some right hands, then whips him into the ropes.  Biff puts his head down, and Moss rolls him up in a small package!

1...



2...



Kickout!

Biff catches Moss with a clothesline, then picks him up, and attempts a suplex.  Moss slips behind, and grabs a waistlock, which Biff escapes with an elbow, then runs to the ropes, but Moss recovers and catches him with a dropkick!  Moss then drops an elbow, and covers...

1...



2...



Kickout!

Moss grabs Biff in a side headlock, but Biff backs him into the ropes, then shoves him across...and Vinny lays in a knee from the apron!

COACH
Nice move by Vinny!

COLE
Yeah, a nice cheap shot.

COACH
They got away with it!

Biff tags Vinny in, and the two stomp away on Moss, then Vinny goes over and dances in front of Benjamin, distracting the referee as Biff chokes Moss on the top rope.  Vinny then makes his way back over, and delivers forearms in the corner, and attempts a whip across.  Moss reverses, but Vinny hops to the second rope, and comes back with a bodypress...but Moss rolls through!

1...




2...




Kickout!

Vinny goes to the eyes, then executes a rib-breaker!  Cover...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Vinny picks up Moss, and executes a backbreaker, then tags in Biff.

COACH
You've got to admit, Cole, Vinny and Biff looking impressive here against the former champs, Team Heyross!

COLE
Absolutely, they've made it more competitive than I thought they would so far!

Biff comes in, and he and Vinny whip Moss to the ropes, and execute a double clothesline, then follow up with a wishbone!  Biff stomps away as the referee forces Vinny out.

COACH
And some nice teamwork there!

Biff whips Moss into the ropes, but puts his head down, and Moss executes a sunset flip!

1...




2...




Kickout!

Biff gets to his feet and floors Moss with a clothesline, then tags Vinny back in.  Vinny climbs to the top, while Biff runs over and knocks Benjamin off the apron.  Biff sets up a suplex, and Vinny flies down onto Moss with a bodypress!

COLE
What a move!  This could be a major upset!

1...







2...







NO!  Moss gets a shoulder up!

COLE
But no, Moss escapes!

Benjamin slides into the ring, but is restrained by the referee.  Meanwhile, Vinny hooks Moss, and Biff backs into the ropes, going for ALWAYS WEAR SAFETY GOGGLES~!...but Moss moves, and Biff nails Vinny!

COLE
Vinny takes the big knee from Biff!

Moss crawls over to the corner, and tags in Benjamin!

COLE
And a tag is made!

Benjamin hits a clothesline on Biff, then one on Vinny!  He hits a second clothesline on Biff, then whips Vinny into the ropes, and catches him with a dropkick!  Cover...

1...





2...





Kickout!

Benjamin picks up Vinny, and executes a BELLY-TO-BELLY~! Cover...

1...






2...






Kickout!

Benjamin whips Vinny once again, and catches him with a HURRICANRANA~!  Cover...

1...







2...







Biff makes the save!

COLE
Biff there for the save!

Moss steps in, and knocks Biff to the floor, then joins Benjamin in executing the DOUBLE GOOZLE~! on Vinny!

COLE
And there's the Double Goozle!

Benjamin moves over to the ropes, and grabs the top, then jumps up and through the middle ropes, catching Biff with a dropkick!  He then pulls himself back onto the apron, as Moss lifts Vinny onto his shoulders.

COLE
And Team Heyross setting Vinny up for the kill!

Benjamin climbs to the top rope, and executes the SUPER ROCKER DROPPER~!!!!!11111

COLE
Put this one in the books!

1...









2...









3!!!

*DING DING DING*

COLE
Team Heyross advances in the Anderson Cup!

BUFFER
The winners of the match...TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSS!!!!!

COLE
So, Team Heyross will meet the winner of the matchup between  Jumbo & Deuce and the Cucaracha team of James Blonde and Faqu, which will take place next week!

COACH
Nice effort by Vinny and Biff, though!  I wonder what TK and Reject are thinking backstage right now?

COLE
They may want to start thinking about having to put those belts on the line against Team Heyross one more time!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT

ENTERPRISE VICE
A Theodore Moneymaker Production
Filmed with Theodore Moneymaker's Siclopse

STARRING


CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN AS THE GRIZZLED VETERAN


TANGO BOSLEY AS THE HOTHEADED DETECTIVE

AND


INSPECTOR NERDLY AS THE ROOKIE

TAPED EARLIER THIS WEEK

It's a sunny, yet chilly day in Indianapolis, cold conditions made even more frigid by the V.I.C.E patrol that exits a dodge charger. Yearning to show of his south beach tan, Bosley eschews common sense, and wear Bermuda shorts and a black wife beater against this frosty weather. CPA appears more professional in a black pinned striped suit, while Inspector Nerdly looks ready for a day at the mall in denim skirt, red and purple stripped leg warmer and ruffled brown denim coat.  Through steel rimmed sun glasses the trio gaze at a quaint inner city home that no more than a story and still boasting Christmas decorations.

CPA
This is the place.

The three head up the long staircase to the house with Inspector Nerdly leading the way. She gives three taps on the door. A balding, overweight, middle aged man with a five o'clock shadow opens it. His bulbous frame is held within white boxer shorts and a white undershirt. Through squinted eyes he stares at the unusual troupe, trying to figure out what's brought them to his front porch. Inspector Nerdly greets him with a warm smile, while her companions hold ice cold stares.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Hi, Jeff Hiller?

MAN
Yeah, that's me.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
How are you? My name is Morgan and these are my friends Christopher and Tango.

DETECTIVE BOSLEY
What's up, player? How's it hanging?

JEFF
What do you want?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
We have a few questions for you. About the accident on the Christmas edition of HeldDOWN. The one where Theodore Moneymaker's limo blew up. The limo you were driving. Do you mind?

JEFF (nervously)
I actually do. I don't have time for questions.

Inspector Nerdly bites back a scowl and instead comes out with a bright and cheery smile.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Do you have time to get charged with arson?

Jeff is stunned by that question, unsure of its seriousness.

JEFF
Arson?

Her smile spreads even wider as the dread in his heart grows all the bigger.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Well, that's what you'll be looking it when we find out you were behind the explosion. Arson and probably attempt to commit murder. Then there's the lower charge of vandalism. I wonder what homeland security would say about a bomb?

CPA
You got money for a good lawyer? Public Defenders don't look out for guys like you. No gain in it.
 
JEFF
You people...don't know what you're talking about.

DETECTIVE BOSLEY
Just tell us what's up, player! Quit actin like a bitch, and act like a man.

In Jeff's moment of weakness Inspector Nerdly and V.I.C.E force themselves into Jeff's humble modestly decorated home. He doesn't attempt to stop them, instead sinking down in his chair and putting his hand on his now throbbing head. No homo.

JEFF
I didn't have anything to do with that bomb. Nothing!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Mister Hiller, I thought a limo driver's job was to drive the limo. So, I guess, I'm not to bright, but I thought that meant they stay inside the limo, behind the wheel, ready to drive it. But, if you were behind the wheel at the time of the explosion we wouldn't be having this conversation.

JEFF
So...so..so...wh...wh...what's your point?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
You didn't explode. Jeff, you lived. That means you're either very lucky, you're fireproof, or you were in on it. Call me cynical, but I'm picking option C.

DETECTIVE BOSLEY
You an arsonist, Jeffery? Is that how you roll? You set fires like a punk?

Bosley's words, full of fire and vigor, frighten the already alarmed suspect and his words are blurt, absent of confidence.

JEFF
No! No! I had nothing to do with it!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Why are you lying to me?

JEFF
I'm not!

Inspector Nerdly lays her soft femmine hands on his shoulders like she were soon to give him a deep tissue massage. Her delicate touch is all the more disconcerting, and he shifts awkwardly in his chair.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I can hurt you Jeffery.  

JEFF
What?

Inspector Nerdly rubs his shoulders with the perfect precision of a trained masseuse.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I can hurt you very bad.

JEFF
What?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I bet you don't think I can. If I could read your mind, it'd probably tell me that you think I'm some harmless little kid. How could I pose a threat to you, big macho guy? You're wrong. I pose a big threat.

JEFF
What is this?

INSPECTOR NERDLY (pointing at a picture)
Is that your family? I can hurt them to.

JEFF
You're crazy!

CPA
Wrong word, man. Wrong word.

The massage comes to an abrupt end, but IN's hold on Jeff does not. Now it morphs into something vicious, vulgar and cruel. A strangle like the talons of a mythical beast.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I am not crazy, that's not the right word. I have post traumatic stress disorder and psychopathic tendencies.  We're not really talking about me, Human Torch! We're talking about you, the guy that likes to blow people up. Why'd you do it?

JEFF
I didn't!

DETECTIVE BOSLEY
Dude, just quit the lyin and spill your guts!

JEFF
I'm not lying!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I don't wanna hurt you. Even though you called me crazy, I think you and I could be great friends. But you're really not giving me any choice.

CPA
You better just tell her the truth, man.

JEFF
I'm telling the truth! I am!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I want to believe you. I really do. But I just can't.

JEFF
Please, I told you what happened. I told you where I was. I told you everything! What do you want from me?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I just want you to scream.

Morgan pulls a tazer out her pocket, putting fear into the eyes of the driver. Despite CPA and Bosley standing in the doorway, he makes a mad bid for the exit. He gets no further than an inch before she strikes him with a blast of electricity. He falls to the ground, face buried in the wood, screaming out in agony.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
That was setting number one, just so ya know. Number one out of ten. Just so ya know.

BOSLEY
Holy shit! Holy shit! CPA, man, did you fuckin see that? Did you fuckin see that?! That was awesome! Fuck this faggot!

Inspector Nerdly tosses her deadly weapon up and down in her hand, all the while glaring evilly at her victim. Her face is strained, she's trying her hardest to control herself, to stop from shooting him again.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I'm gonna find out the truth about all this someday. Someday soon. You better just hope the truth doesn't lead back to you. Because if it does. Your family-

JEFF
Okay! Okay! Someone gave me a note. Is that good enough.

CPA
Names.

JEFF
I...I...just leave me alone!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Who? We can protect you from him, if you want. But we can't fight someone who we don't even know.

JEFF
Someone! I don't know! He was wearing a Moneymaker mask and a tuxedo. The note said stay away from the limo, it was written in blood.

BOSLEY
Figures. Guy like this ain't smart enough to pull off a job like that.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Give it to me.

JEFF
Its in the bedroom. I'll get it.

BOSLEY
Heh-heh, you ain't goin NOWHERE! Yer our bitch boy until we say so.

CPA marches to the bedroom to retrieve the note. It takes him no more than fifteen seconds before he comes back with a crumpled up sheet of paper.

BOSLEY
Sick fucks, man!  I can't wait to bust these punks!

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Hmmm. You're pretty helpful after all, aren't you? Shocking! Heheheeh. Love to stick around, but we've got evidence to analyze. See you around!

ZAAAP!

Leaving Jeff in a state of mind numbing anguish with that second electrical jolt, Inspector Nerdly glides out the door with V.I.C.E trailing right behind her.

COMMERCIAL


HD~! in HD returns from break to the always expensively and extensively designed Enterprise dressing room. Watching the footage of VICE's investigation, are the wine sipping duo of Christian Wright and Lorelei DeCenzo. Too young to drink wine, Inspector Nerdly sips on a Capri Sun as she watches her handiwork.

WRIGHT
So it to grieves to me learn that this slugabed be not the cause of our hearts ill. For it would have been pleasure's winter song to hear this grim business is at its end. Even so you have done well. Far beyond the expectations our confidence spoke to you.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Oh? Um, thanks.

LORELEI
There's still the matter of who gave that man the note. Anyone can prick their finger and scribble down a sentence in blood.

WRIGHT
Yet it takes only an archfiend to author such notes as death warrant.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
There's a problem, nobody pricked anything. No one broke into a blood bank and dipped a pen in a vial of blood. Jeff got it wrong, that note wasn't written in blood, it was written in cheap shit lipstick.

LORELEI
Cheap shit lipstick, you say? That settles it, Jade wrote the note!

WRIGHT
Am I to hold it as true that a woman is the mastermind behind this infringement of our peace?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
See, that's where things start to get a little weird. CPA and I crossmatched the note with the hand writing of every female in the company and get this, we didn't get one single match. Not a one.

LORELEI
Run it again. I'll bet you thirty thousand dollars in cash that Krista was behind it.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Well...um...we ran it twice. I can do it again if you want. But I think we found the match.

LORELEI
Who?

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Mariachi of Los Diablos.

WRIGHT
The swine! That merchant of filth has every nueropathway of his brain urging him to rais arms towards Mister Moneymaker. To think that he might have aided arson or been the sole cause of it is an idea that is of no great stretch.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
I don't think he aided it at all. I think he did it!

LORELEI
If he's the guilty party then he has to be punished.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Bosley's all ready on making preparations. He's a cool guy. So intense.

LORELEI
That's one word for it.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
And he called me awesome. That...that, was awesome.

LORELEI
And Mariachi? What about him.

INSPECTOR NERDLY
Don't worry. I'm gonna get him, and I'm gonna end him.

FADE OUT

COMING UP NEXT
SIX MAN TAG
LEON RODEZ, TIM CASH AND BARON WINDELS VS V.I.C.E AND SPENCER REIGER
NEXT!

[Chanel #99]

"I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
And I've been waiting for this moment
For all my life, oh lord
Oh lord."

COLE
Six man tag time, let's send it up to the ring!

BUFFER
The following six man tag team contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing team number one... first, total combined weight, five hundred and fourty five pounds. Originally from New York City... "THE ALPHA MALE" DETECTIVE TTAAAAAAAANNGGOOOOOO... BBBOOOOOSSSSSLLLLEEEEEYYYY!!! And his partner, from Miami, Florida... CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN... C... P... A!!! Together, they comprise the team of... V . I . C . E!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

With "In The Air Tonight" by Nonpoint playing them to the ring the V.I.C.E squad look as motivated as ever. It's just one is a little more vocal about it. As the song kicks up a gear, Bosley scales the turnbuckles and pounds himself with about 10 overhand chops and so fired up is he that he doesn't feel a thing. CPA just stands by the ropes, staring out into the crowd with a menacing look on his face.

COLE
The OAOAST guns for hire, working for free tonight if Spencer Reiger is to be believed. He claims that he'd never pay anyone to fight his battles for him. Not sure if we should believe that or not personally.

COACH
You should, because as usual your boy Coach has all the scoops. And don't worry about V.I.C.E, they're getting well compensated for stepping in the ring with Baron Windels, trust me.

COLE
By Theodore Moneymaker?

COACH
Who else?

COLE
Alright. In that case, V.I.C.E on Enterprise business tonight which I guess shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

As Bosley tries to psych the stoic CPA up, "The World Is Mine" by David Guetta hits. A wealth of flickering and flashing spotlights alternate between entirely red and entirely white across the entrance stage. The lights on the floor then turn blue cutting through a thin haze that fills the stage. Stepping into this tranquil mist, Spencer Reiger walks out gabbing about how great he is already.

BUFFER
And introducing their tag team partner. From Manhattan, New York... weighing in at two hundred, ten pounds. He is "THE ONE MAN TRIPLE THREAT"... SSSSPPPEEEEEEEEENNCCCCCEEEEEEERRRRR... RRRREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGEEEEERRRRRRR!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Spencer saunters down the ramp, cloaked by a bright white spotlight to contrast the flashing blue and red "SR" shaped illuminations on the entrance ramp. In a rare show of sociability, Spencer actually offers a high-five to a couple of children at the bottom of the aisle. Unfortunately, the only person in the arena not expecting the fakeout is the soon to be traumatised youngster who falls into the cruel trick.

COACH
SERVED!

Sliding into the ring, Spencer climbs the turnbuckles and rips open his Ed Hardy hoody to show off his well toned bod, to very vocal approval from Detective Bosley. Bosley is so fired up he grabs Spencer in a headlock as he steps off the ropes and aims to pump his partner up. Not used to Bosley's ways, Spencer pulls away and tries to get some hearing back after having someone shout down his ear from close range.

COLE
When we come back, our six-man tag team contest live from Providence!


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


By the time we return, Spencer and Bosley have made things up and are busy picking out random people in the crowd to point and laugh at, or in Bosley's case yell insults to at the top of his lungs. Super serious CPA's attention is on the entrance, waiting for "Thriller" by Fallout Boy to hit. Red and blue lights shine out as Baron Windels makes his way out, followed seconds later by new tag team partner and all round niceguy Tim Cash. Tim allows Baron to have centre stage and even joins in with the cheers of the crowd.

BUFFER
And the opponents! From Peoria, Illinois and weighing two hundred, twenty pounds... proudly known as wrestling's last real good guy... TTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMM... CCAAAAAAASSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!! His tag team partner hails from San Antonio, Texas. He weighs two hundred and sixty five pounds... "THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER"... BBAAAAAARRRRROOOOOOOOONN... WWWWIIIIIIIIIIIINNDDEEEEEELLLLLLSSSSSSSSS!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Getting to the ring, Baron and Cash now face the insults of their opponents leaning over the ropes.

COLE
This new tag team combination, advancing in the Anderson Cup at the New Year's Spectacular. Tonight though is about personal grudges. Baron has had his issues with The Enterprise in recent months. And I'm sure Tim Cash will be relishing the chance to get his hands on Spencer Reiger.

COACH
Pah! This simp's so nice, if he did get his hands on him, he'd probably rather give Spencer a nice massage than a beating.

The two teams argue back and forth, or at least Baron does, Tim too nice to be getting into arguements. But Spencer and Bosley's insults are silenced and the crowd are brought to their feet by Trust Company's "Rock The Casbah". Apparantly not getting the memo from earlier, neither look happy to see the World Heavyweight Champion making his way out to round out the opposition team. Leon does a robe-displaying spin at the top of the stage before opening it up to reveal the gold around his waist.

BUFFER
And finally... from Grand Rapids, Michigan! Weighing two hundred, eighteen pounds. "THE GRAND RAPIDS GOLDEN CHILD"... ladies and gentlemen, he is your OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... "SILKY SMOOTH"... LLLLLLEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOONN... RRRRRRRROOOOOOODDEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Leon tags hands down the aisle in rapid-fire fashion, apparantly tiring himself out by the time he reaches ringside as he calls for a timeout. There to meet him, Baron with a high-five and Cash with a friendly handshake.

COLE
Leon coming off of his first World Title defence at the New Year's Spectacular, in convincing fashion. And we heard him earlier tonight, he wants more competition and better competition at that. You have to admire that from the World Champion.

COACH
What sort of behaviour is that for an OAOAST World Champion though? He should be AWOL by now, next title defence scheduled mid-March, not this 'more competition' stuff.

The fan favourite trio enter the ring with Leon unstrapping the World Title and holding it overhead to one side of the crowd. Leon hands the title over to the referee and his team go into conference, while Spencer Reiger looks to start out for the opposing side.

COACH
No sign of Melody with Baron. Wonder why that is.

COLE
Let's not start that.

Cash wins out in a three-way rock paper scissors route, but still offers to let Leon start in a kind gesture. The World Champ turns down the charity though and gets the crowd clapping from the apron instead.


*DINGDINGDING*

Despite all the past history telling him otherwise, Cash still offers a handshake to Reiger at the start.

COACH
Oh boy. Will this guy ever learn?

Rolling his eyes, Spencer spits at the offer and SLAPS Cash across the face!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Leon climbs onto the bottom rope to get Spencer's attention, apparantly very important that he hears his question; "what the hell dude, come on". Showing more disrespect, Spencer mouths off to Leon... but while he's distracted, Cash grabs him by the hand and gives him the handshake!! Reiger freaks out and yanks his hand away, then tries to take Cash's head off with a clothesline. Cash ducks though and Spencer stumbles forward... into a SLAP FROM LEON... sending Spencer reeling into ANOTHER HANDSHAKE, then an armdrag!!

COLE
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

COACH
Come on! Forcing a man to be respectful, no call for that!

Sidestepping a charge, Cash drops down as Spencer comes off the ropes. Shuffling around he then looks for a monkey flip, but Spencer puts on the brakes and rakes the sole of his boot across Cash's face! The scowling Prodigy points accusingly at Leon, then goes for an elbow drop, but Cash moves out of the way! Jarring his elbow, more misery follows as Cash goes behind and pulls Spencer down with an O'Connor roll-up...


1...



2...



No!

Both men scramble back up and Cash is the quickest to react with a wring of the arm. Tag is made and to a big cheer, Leon Rodez comes in.

COLE
Great reaction for the World Champion!

Leon drives an elbow into the out-stretched arm of Spencer. Then, just for the hell of it, another slap upside the head to the arrogant youngster. With Bosley getting steamed up on the outside the referee has to encourage him to calm down as Leon waits on Reiger. Scoop and a slam places him in centre of the ring and coming off the ropes, Leon leaps. Spencer rolls out of the way, but does so too quickly and Leon simply abandons his plans and lands safely on his feet. Unfortunately Reiger isn't aware of that, too busy pointing to his head and showing Leon's partners how smart he is.

COACH
Behind you Spencer!

COLE
Leon, waiting, very patiently I might add.

Hands on hips, Leon whistles away to himself while he waits for Spencer, to turn around into an Inverted Atomic Drop!

COLE
Oooh!

Reiger hops up and down in pain to the amusement of the Rhode Island crowd. After a consolatary pat on the back Rodez sends him off the ropes with an irish whip, but makes the mistake of ducking his head. Reiger delivers a quick kick to the chest and then dives over to make the tag to Tango Bosley.

BOSLEY
HELL FREAKIN' YEAH!!!

All amped up Bosley charges into the ring. And pretty soon he gets better acquainted with part of the ring as he goes face-first into the mat off a drop toehold.

COLE
I don't know if it's all the donuts and coffee but Bosley's got a real hyper-activity issue that he should probably look into.

Leon waits for Bosley to get back up and executes a dropkick, sending him staggering back into the opponent's corner. Following in, Leon leaps up and lands on Bosley's thighs, making the tag to Baron before he falls back and takes the Detective up and over with a monkey flip. Baron steps in and Leon goes to whip him into Bosley, but Tango ducks his head and Leon thinks quickly by pulling Baron back and whipping him the other way. A sacrifical lunge across the turnbuckles by Tim Cash prevents Baron from hitting the turnbuckles and as Bosley misses with a clothesline on Leon, he runs into a raised boot from Baron!

COLE
Good on the fly teamwork from the team of Baron, Cash and Leon, as here's a cover.


1...



2...



No!

Big Texan right hands stagger Bosley into a neutral corner and Baron loads him up into the opposite side. As he comes charging though CPA wanders down the apron and pulls his partner to safety! Missing the butt bump, Baron gets caught by CPA in the corner and Bosley charges... but ends up punching CPA in the face by mistake!

COLE
Not such good teamwork on the V.I.C.E side of things though! More like the Keystone Cops!

Down goes CPA, Bosley soon to follow him with a clothesline up and over the top. V.I.C.E recordinate on the outside, but not for long, as Baron backdrops Tim Cash up and over WITH A CROSSBODY TO THE OUTSIDE!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
That wasn't very 'nice', was it?

COLE
Looked nice to me. Great hangtime on the former EMT's part, wiping out both members of V.I.C.E.

With his partners in disarray Spencer Reiger decides to jump in and do something about it, but all he succeeds in doing is getting punched in the breadbasket by Baron. The Texan then hands Spencer off to Leon, who comes soaring in off the top rope with a Crossbody Block to take The Prodigy out and send him scampering to the outside!

"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"

As Leon steps out, Bosley is dumped back into the ring and takes a vertical suplex from Baron. Hook of the leg...


1...



2...



No!

Baron brings Bosley over to the corner and makes the tag to Tim Cash who's just retook his place on the apron. A whip from Windels leads to a drop-down, forcing Bosley up and over into a standing dropkick! Cover...


1...



2...



No!

COLE
Former partners in there right now, Tim Cash getting his hands on the man who sold him out last year Tango Bosley.

COACH
He didn't 'sell out', he bought in. Bought into the mantra of The Enterprise, win at all costs. This nice guy act didn't get Rescue 911 anywhere and Bosley managed to figure that out before it was too late and they got the Flex Phillips treatment!

Bringing his former partner back up, Cash lands a forearm. And a second. And a third, not resorting to illegal closed fist strikes even against his former best friend. Cash then connects with another standing dropkick and gets the crowd fired up. As Bosley recovers Timmy hits the ropes...


...and gets tripped up by Spencer Reiger who'd been laying in the proverbial reeds!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Baron quickly jumps to his partner's aid but only makes things worse as Bosley pounces with a vicious attack on Cash, pounding the back of the head with repeated blows before turning him over and choking him! The referee manages to put Baron out and catches Bosley in the act, screaming at his former partner.

"ONE!"
"TWO!"
"THREE!"
"FOUR!"
"FIVE!"

Annoyed at being reprimanded, Bosley reaches into his pocket and produces his POLICE BADGE.

COACH
Yeah, you tell 'em Bosley! You're the law and order in the OAOAST!

Bosley's rank and file doesn't do much for Mike Chioda. What it does do is allow Spencer Reiger to pull Cash halfway out of the ring and strike him in the gut.

COLE
What a jerk this guy is.

COACH
He's a winner with a winner's mentality. Sorry it's not nice enough for you, but nice don't pay the bills.

Dragging Cash back into the ring, Bosley drops an elbow on his former tag team parner. He then makes the tag to big CPA, legal in the match for the first time. The ex-bouncer whips Cash off of the ropes, then bounces him to the mat with a firm shoulder tackle. Lateral press...


1...



2...


No!

CPA pulls Cash back up and takes his time setting him up for a gutwrench. An effortless gutwrench slam follows, just dumping Cash on his back. CPA glares over at Baron and Leon for a second before following up, pressing his foot down on Cash's head as he tags Reiger back into the match.

COLE
V.I.C.E and their newfound friend have isolated Tim Cash and finally have some cohesion going. This crowd still in the corner of the nicest man in wrestling though. They're not going to give up on him.

COACH
That's cause they're fools, just like him. Sometimes you've gotta give up on lost causes. You don't want to put the old family dog down because he's so loveable, but when he hits 17 and the bladder starts to go he can't do anything anymore.

COLE
What does that have to do with Tim Cash?

COACH
He's getting beaten down like a homeless dog on a street corner right now, how 'bout that?

Having put the boots to Cash, Spencer further torments the crowd by 'riding the donkey'. Baron gets drawn into the ring again and Spencer quickly uses the opening to drape Cash over the ropes and choke him some more, to the fury of the fans. Once the referee turns around, he acts the innocent and proclaims to have done nothing wrong.

"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"

Nudging Cash off of the ropes Spencer steps to the outside. On the apron he encourages the fans to chant louder, then jumps in over the top landing right on Cash's chest with both feet!!

COACH
Drove the wind right out of him!

Cover by Reiger, positioning himself near the ropes...


1...


...and sure enough putting his feet on the bottom rope...


2...



No!

Before he can be questioned, Spencer reaches up and tags Bosley, holding Cash down for a big stomp to the chest.

"LET'S GO TIM!"
"LET'S GO TIM!"
"LET'S GO TIM!"
"LET'S GO TIM!"

COACH
By the way, what a weak-ass name Tim is. Spencer, Tango, Christopher, those are some real names. What the hell is 'Tim'?

Bosley helps Cash up and boots him in the gut. Off the ropes, he follows that up with a front flipping Swinging Neckbreaker. Impressed by his own move Bosley psyches himself up, then makes the cover...


1...



2...



Kickout!

The hyper Detective gets up in referee Chioda's face and threatens to get his badge out again if he doesn't start doing a better job.

COACH
You'd better listen ref. If Bosley says it's three, it's three, unless you wanna be on the end of some police brutality next time you're doing 36 in a 30 zone.

Once Bosley's done chewing out the official (definately no homo!) he turns back to Tim. Encouraging him to get back up Bosley lies in wait. Cash struggles to his feet and brushing past him, Bosley shows off his tremendous agility as he vaults to the middle rope and launches himself backwards with an elbow. Unfortunately, Cash is well aware of what's coming and ducks down, causing Bosley to slam into the canvas!!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
Damnit, how did he do that!?

COLE
Well Tim Cash has got a lot of heart and I mean that in more ways than one.

Rolling back up, Bosley tries to grab a hold of Cash. Dropping to all fours Cash is able to crawl through the legs to escape and DIVES TO TAG BARON!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

Baron comes in swinging, nailing Bosley with three big Texas rights to drop him. Reiger comes in and it takes just the one punch to get rid of him. Irish whip then sends Bosley for the ride, setting him up for a high BAAAAACK bodydrop! In mid celebration Baron notices CPA trying to come in and runs him off the apron before he goes back to the important business of firing up the crowd.

COLE
Baron Windels, an old fashioned house of fire!

Another irish whip sends Bosley into the corner this time. When Baron follows in the Detective is able to counter though, landing an elbow. Baron staggers to the middle of the ring and Bosley catches the boot as Baron attempts to cut off his charge. With Windels hopping on one foot Bosley berates him, even as he's swinging him around and right up until the point he gets cut down with the MYSPACE COMEBACK! Cover by Baron...


1...



2...



NO!

Baron backs Bosley up against the ropes with right hands and sends him for the ride, catching him off the ropes with a Powerslam!


1...



2...



NO!

Climbing back up Baron slaps his hands into the mat and signals he's going to round 'em up, whatever that means.

COLE
Baron calling for the finish. Go get 'em cowboy!

COACH
Dude, be gayer.

Baron pulls Bosley into a front facelock as he gets back up.. but CPA pounces from behind! A double sledge to the back breaks up the DDT attempt.

COLE
CPA with the save and now it's two on one, come on ref!

Together the V.I.C.E squad whip Baron to the ropes, joining hands to deliver a double clothesline. But Baron ducks underneath the lines and clocks the guns for hire's heads together! Bosley stumbles backwards into a corner as Baron whips CPA into the opposite set of turnbuckles. A clothesline crushes Bosley in the corner and Baron lines CPA up next, but is stopped by Leon Rodez entering the ring.

COLE
What is this now?

After a quick discussion, Leon walks over and pops CPA with a jab. Baron and Leon then run forward and pass each other... DOUBLE KNEES~! to Bosley... and BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS FOR CPA!!!

COLE
Some more teamwork, that's what it is!

COACH
This what Bosley's talking about. This referee has no authority whatsoever.

A dropkick puts Bosley out through the ropes and to the floor as Baron pats the World Champ on the back. He then charges back towards CPA, right into a FRONT SPINEBUSTER!!

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Wow, what power from CPA!

As Baron rolls out of the ring holding the back of his head, CPA nails Leon with a Big Boot! Cover is made...


1...



2...



NO!

CPA quickly pulls Leon back up though and singals that it's over. With a gutwrench he loads Leon up over his shoulder looking for the Dominator... but Leon manages to squirm out of CPA's grasp and land on his feet! Growling, CPA swings backwards with his elbow, Leon managing to duck and catch CPA with a jab!

A jab!


A jab!



A jab!


Rodez turns, blowing the kiss, before turning back on his heels...



*SMACK!*


...and nailing CPA upside the head with the enziguri!

COLE
MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!

On unsteady legs CPA goes stumbling across the ring and ends up falling against the ropes, where Leon puts all he's got behind a clothesline to send him over the top to the floor. Leon turns away and checks his nose for blood from the effects of the earlier boot. And that gives Spencer Reiger an opening, scrambling onto the apron and delivering a running enziguri from the outside!!

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
What a shot!

COACH
Get on him Spencer, pin him!

With real eagerness, Spencer does just that...

COACH
Yes, he's got the World Champ beat!


1...



2...



NO!!

Spencer holds his head in despair having thought for sure he'd won it.

COLE
What a statement that would have made. That might have forced Josie Baker into an eleventh hour rethink on the new number one contender debate.

COACH
Might have? If Spencer knocks the World Champion off, he's GOT to be the number one contender. And it might happen right now.

The young Prodigy still senses victory and he waits on Leon to get back up, catching him with a boot to the gut. To howls of derision Spencer then hooks up the arms and prepares to add Leon's name to the Reiger Counter...



...NO! Leon spins out of the Pedigree attempt and drags Reiger into an Exploder Suplex!

COLE
No, counter by Leon!

Back up, Spencer walks into a pick-up and an inverted atomic drop. Leon then turns Spencer around... into the hands of Tim Cash, who trips Reiger up and slaps on the MIDWEST SLING!!!

COLE
Submission hold, can Spencer find a way out of the Midwest Sling?

Leon quickly takes guard and knocks Bosley from the apron, as Spencer fights the hold...




...but HAS TO TAP OUT!!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
No he can't!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners of the match... the team of BARON WINDELS... TIM CASH... and the OAOAST Heavyweight Champion LEON RRRROOOODDEEEEEEZZZZZZ!!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

Letting Spencer go, Cash watches him roll from the ring with a look of satisfaction but not arrogance of course. He and Leon congratulate each other on the victory leading to a long handshake as they each try and give the other credit for the win.

COLE
Victory for the World Champion and the Anderson Cup contenders here on the first HeldDOWN of 2009!

Baron comes in to join the congratulations, while V.I.C.E have bailed out, not hanging around for their partner who is busy running down Cash to the nearest camera while grimacing in pain from his back. He moves along, just as we see OAOAST President Josie Baker appear on the big screen, causing the music to cut.

JOSIE
Congratulations guys. Very enjoyable match. Baron, Tim, if you guys could please leave I've got some business to take care of.

With parting handshakes and backslaps respectively, Baron and Tim leave the World Champion to it as he collects a microphone.

JOSIE
Well, congratulations Leon. Another fine victory. But, I'm sure you're wondering already what I've come up with for you in terms of a number one contender and I've spent all night going over notes and records and so on. And I've come to a decision that I think you'll find hard to dispute. After much thought, I've decided that at Anglepalooza, you Leon Rodez will be defending your OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship against... this man...



Pause for dramatic effect.



I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

COLE
Oh NO!

Pure hatred is expressed by the fans for the arrival, grinning from ear to ear, of "The Real American Dick" himself MR. DICK!! Mr. Dick turns to the big screen and applauds the OAOAST President before turning to Leon, who holds his hands on his hips, not a fan of the decision purely for personal reasons.

COACH
I gotta tip my hat, a great decision from the desk of Josie Baker!

COLE
Mr. Dick, the number one contender!?

COACH
Hey, even you've gotta admit The Dickman has been ON POINT for months now. Who else is more worthy?

COLE
Well I may not like Mr. Dick and it's clear these fans don't either, but even I can't deny his impressive performances of late. But even so...

"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"

MR. DICK
Ya'll gonna be the ones sucking me if ya don't pipe down!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MR. DICK
First things first, I gotta congratulate Josie Baker on making the right call and making the number one Dick in America the number one contender. Finally a broad who's capable of putting together a half decent thought in her head! 'Bout damn time!

Josie kinda scowls at the not so impressive 'praise'.

MR. DICK
And come Anglepalooza, I'm gonna make sure that decision weren't for nothin'. Everybody knows that Mr. Dick doesn't do things by halves. When Mr. Dick does something, he does it hard and he does it right. And I've got big plans for that belt already, trust me when I say that. First off, I'm done gonna take that OAOAST World Title off of your scrawny ass at the Anglepalooza, guaranteed, because there's not a damn man in that locker room that can measure up to me and that includes you pornstar! If Mr. Dick went that route, I'd put the rest of the damn porn business outta business just through penis envy and vagina transplants alone!

COLE
What does he mean by that? I dread to think.

MR. DICK
An' then, once I'm the World Heavyweight Champion, you better believe me and Malaysia are gonna have the celebration to end all other celebrations! That shit's gonna be red-hot. You know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get me one'a them there action figures with the tiny championship belts in the packaging and I'll use the damn thing as a cock ring! How 'bout that!

COACH
Oh yeah, just imagine!

COLE
I'd really rather not.

MR. DICK
But most importantly of all, once I've finished celebrating Malaysia's brains out, I'm gonna do the one thing that'll make Dickzilla harder than anything else. Mr. Dick's gonna penetrate the hopes and dreams of all of Los Angeles. Cause at the 300th HeldDOWN, I'm gonna do what I told the world I was gonna do. And I'm gonna do it a couple months early. And that's beat Krista Isadora Duncan, make her submit to Mr. Dick, right there in front of all her friends and her family and her followers. I'm gonna humiliate her. I'm gonna annihilate her. I'm gonna DOMINATE her! And then...

LEON
Uh... can... can I interrupt just a quick second?

Mr. Dick stops in mid-sentence, not looking pleased at being interrupted.

LEON
Sorry if you forget I was standing here or something, what with this World Title acceptance speech you seem to be making. I just have one quick question to ask. And I hate to sound like I'm complaining again, because I'm really not, but Josie I have to ask out of pure curiousity, just what made you choose Mr. Dick as the number one contender? Did you just want a positive role model for our OAOAST fans to look up to? Or is there some sort of potential merchandise line of assless chaps you want to push through?

MR. DICK
Hey, we all know how ya love the sound of your voice, but save ya jokes because this Dick ain't never gonna be laughed at! I'm the hottest commodity in the OAOAST! I'm a multi Angle Award winner!

LEON


......





......


Oh, wait, you're being serious.


......





MR. DICK
You're just jealous cause you didn't win any!

LEON
All those who care, please raise your hands?

Not a single arm goes up in the entire arena.

LEON
Thank you. No, seriously though, You know what, it really doesn't matter how or why, the fact is you're stepping in the ring with me at Anglepalooza for the World Title. And now that we've got the intrigue and speculation out of the way... now that I think about it, I'm actually quite looking forward to it. Really. I think I'll quite enjoy chopping Mr. Dick down to size a little bit. So to speak.

MR. DICK
Hey! HEY! I'll tell ya what I did to get named number one contender son, I beat your two little boyband friends within an inch of their pathetic little lives! And I'll do the damn same to you at Anglepalooza!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Far from being drawn in by the threat, Leon just smiles.

LEON
I think this is the part where I say "hey, why wait until Anglepalooza", right?

MR. DICK
And this is there part where I kick your damn ass!

Dropping his microphone Mr. Dick suddenly starts to march to the ring, pulling off his tied-up white shirt on the way. Leon is ready for him. And despite the look on Josie's face indicating this isn't what she was hoping for with this public announcement, it's soon BREAKING DOWN IN PROVIDENCE as Mr. Dick slides into a slugfest with Leon!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
The World Champion and the number one contender getting into it!!

Exchanging right hands Leon and Mr. Dick go back and forth, the crowd going wild for the already wild scenes. Eventually Mr. Dick manages to go to the eyes on Leon and sends him reeling away. Crouching down in the corner and showing way too much of his lower anatomy crammed into his tiny short shorts, Mr. Dick lays in wait as he looks to take Leon's head off with the STIFF KICK.... DUCKED!! The Human Hard On curses and runs at Leon again, but gets caught with a drop toehold and lands throat first across the middle rope!

COLE
Uh-oh!

COACH
No, move Dick, move!

Leon does a quick jig and hits the ropes... pulling up as Mr. Dick rolls out of the ring!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Throwing his hands up, Mr. Dick backs off as Leon quickly grabs his OAOAST World Title belt and raises it over his head with a grin. Furious, Mr. Dick thinks about going back in, but officials have finally hit the ring and make Mr. Dick's mind up for him about leaving, as does the cueing of "Rock The Casbah".

COLE
Mr. Dick not feeling quite so 'cocky' now. But he will get his date with the World Heavyweight Champion, Sunday night January 29th at Anglepalooza!

COACH
And that's when it counts, with the gold on the line. I already told you 2009'll be the Year Of The Dick and the year's gonna start as it means to go on, with success. The biggest Dick of them all needs the biggest belt of them all, it only stands to reason.

With Mr. Dick jawing away, Leon stands tall in the ring with the World Heavyweight Title. For now.


COMING UP NEXT
LEGEND AGAINST LEGEND
CWM VS ZACK MALIBU
NEXT!

[Chanel #99]

We return to HeldDOWN~!, and "Smells Like Teen Spirit" greets viewers as we return to action, with the OAOAST Original and obvious choice for the OAOAST Hall of Fame CWM heading to the ring for a match against another Original, perhaps the most popular man in OAOAST history.

COLE
It was a shocking night here on HeldDOWN~! as CWM made his presence felt after quite some time away from the ring.  After verbally sparring with Zack Malibu about Malibu's role in the federation, CWM has now taken to acting as Theodore Moneymaker's bounty hunter, looking to get back on his feet by accepting a payoff to take Zack Malibu out for the rich superstar!

CWM paces the ring, and does not look happy with "Getting Away With Murder" booms over the PA system.

COACH
Here comes the cheap hometown pop!

The pop is anything but cheap, but it's loud as the crowd at the Dunkin' Donuts Center is extremely vocal and happy to see their hero, ZACK MALIBU, heading down to the ring!  Malibu heads to the ring amidst the cheers of his hometown supporters, but as he climbs up onto the apron, CWM charges and knocks him off, sending Zack flying to the floor!

COLE
Here we go!

CWM jumps out of the ring, wasting no time in attacking Zack!  He works him over, hammering him as Zack tries to come up off the floor, which he finally does, bursting with a flurry of punches that stagger his longtime rival!  CWM starts firing back, back Zack up as he jabs him several times, then he takes Zack by the head and runs him towards the steps...but Zack puts his leg up to block!  CWM's head then gets a taste of the metal, and as he stumbles against the railing, he then finds himself sent into the sea of fans, as Zack clotheslines him over the guardrail!

COACH
Oh sure, bring him out into the crowd where Zack's boys can help him!

COLE
Boys?  Zack doesn't have "boys", Coach!

Zack picks CWM up, and rocks him with two hard right hands before getting kneed in the gut, then dumped over the rail!  CWM looks unimpressed, and the fans don't look all that happy with him as he climbs back over the railing and puts the boots to Zack!

COACH
Atta boy, CWM!  Earn that dough!

CWM brings Zack up to his feet, then sends him crashing into the guardrail before attacking with more closed fists!  Referee Nick Patrick hasn't even rung the bell yet, and these two are still brawling all around ringside!  CWM leads Zack around the ring, and then WHAM!...slams him headfirst into the commentators table at Sofa Cental, causing Coach to shriek like a girl!

COACH
EEEEEEEEEEP!

COLE
What...WHAT was that, Coach?

COACH
He, they...I got caught off guard, OK!

CWM watches as Zack collapses to the floor, then pulls up a strand of cable wire used for the various cameras and monitors at ringside...AND STARTS CHOKING ZACK OUT WITH IT!

COLE
C'mon ref!

COACH
C'mon ref what?  This ain't even a match yet, Mikey!

Malibu gurgles, trying not to choke on his own tongue as CWM tries choking him out, looking to live up to the promise to Theodore Moneymaker that he will eliminate Zack!  Nick Patrick scrambles to get CWM off of Zack, but CWM turns around and shoves Patrick down, not happy that the senior official put his hands on him!

COLE
Watch out Nick Patrick!

CWM glares at the ref before turning his attention to Zack, who is yanking the cord from around his neck.  CWM tries to get him up, but Zack shoulders him in the ribs, then takes him and hurls his head into the side of Sofa Central!  CWM drops to the floor, holding his head, and as he comes up Malibu charges, nailing him with a spear!  Zack then sits atop CWM, pummeling him with elbows that CWM desperately tries to block.  Zack then brings him up and rolls him into the ring, and finally Nick Patrick calls for the bell!

DING!  DING!  DING!

With CWM dazed, Zack climbs up the ropes, launching himself into the ring for the first time in this contest with a cross bodyblock, crashing into CWM and bringing him to the canvas for a pin!

ONE!

T-KICKOUT!

Nick Patrick barely made it into the ring in time for that one, but CWM kicked out anyways, not about to be defeated so quickly.  Zack brings him up and sends him to the ropes, trying for a hiptoss, but CWM counters it, and tries to counter with a POLLYCUTTER~!, but Zack shoves him to the ropes and this time gets his hiptoss!  Zack rushes up behind CWM and tries to use a German, but CWM blocks it by elbowing Zack, then using a jawbreaker on the Preppy One!  Zack is rattled, and CWM hits the ropes and comes off with a hard lariat that puts Zack down!  CWM covers...

ONE!

TW-NO!

...but Zack kicks out!

COLE
You can sense the need, the desperation that CWM has to beat Zack Malibu tonight.  He claimed that Zack was doing a bad job at taking up the mantle for the rest of the OAOAST Originals, but now he's got the added incentive of a payoff from Theodore Moneymaker to make him seek victory!

CWM brings Zack up and pushes him into the corner, then connects with a running shoulderblock to the ribs that knocks the wind out of Zack!  Repeated shoulderblocks follow, and CWM sends Zack across the ring into the far corner, but as he follows him in, he runs right into Zack's boot!  CWM staggers, and Zack hops up on the middle rope, then leaps off with a flying European uppercut, waylaying the Nirvana obsessed star!  Now it's Zack's turn to cover...

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

...but CWM kicks out of that, still motivated by greed and envy long enough to want to do battle some more.  Zack pulls him up, but CWM yanks on Zack's waistband and sends him through the ropes...but Zack catches himself on the apron!  He pulls himself up and springboards in, looking to nail CWM with a missle dropkick, but CWM swats him down!  Zack aches as he rises up, hurting from the crash landing, and CWM again hits the ropes, getting momentum behind him as he brings Zack's head down with a bulldog!  Again he covers, and again Nick Patrick makes the count!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

COLE
CWM keeps trying, keeps hoping that one of those big moves will get him the pin!

COACH
And one of them will, Mikey Cole.  Zack's too confident tonight, more than ever being here in Providence.  He's going to fall, and he's going to fall HARD!

CWM gets up and puts the boots to Zack, stomping away at his old foe.  He pulls him up and sends him to the ropes, but Zack counters on the rebound with a leaping lariat, wiping CWM out, much to the enjoyment of the fans!  Both men lay on the mat, looking to gather themselves, and both come up at roughly the same time.  Malibu gets to his feet, just in time to see a Canadian freight train racing towards him!  At the last second, Malibu rolls out of the way, and CWM crashes his sternum into the top turnbuckle!  As he staggers back, Malibu catches him, and then heaves him over his shoulder with a release German suplex!  

COLE
CWM might not need a flight home, because Zack nearly just launched him all the way back to BC!

The former aWo member is startled as he comes to his feet, right as Malibu is reaching for him.  CWM finds himself shot into the corner once again, and Malibu follows up with a running corner clothesline, smashing hard into his rival!  Zack then takes him by the head and leads him across the ring, ramming his head into the top turnbuckle, and as he backs off, Zack hits the ropes and connects with a spinning wheel kick that takes the Cobain worshipper off his feet!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Fired up, Malibu gets to his feet and brings CWM back up, backing him to the ropes.  He fires him off to the other side, but he reverses and swings Malibu across the ring.  Zack comes back and gets snatched, but as CWM swings around with a powerslam, Malibu counters with a deep arm drag!  Both men pick themselves up simultaneously, and when they do, Malibu cracks him with a hard chop across the chest!  A second one follows, and then a European uppercut knocks him against the ropes!  CWM bounces back, cracking Malibu with a pair of hard rights, then kicks him in the stomach and carries him over with a snap suplex!  CWM sits up and scowls, looking out to the crowd as they begin booing him again, hating the fact that he's once again taking the advantage over their favorite son.

COACH
Stupid hometown fans, don't know a real talent when they see it!

CWM rolls to his feet, bringing Malibu up with him, and this time places him in a standing headscissors, hoisting him up for a failed powerbomb attempt, as Malibu floats through!  Zack lands on his feet in front of him, and works him over with a rapid fire flurry of open hand shots, backing him to the ropes once more...but this time when Malibu sends him to the ropes CWM swings the momentum back to his favor by putting on the brakes and yanking Malibu into an overhead belly to belly suplex!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

COLE
Malibu's normally the Master of the Suplex, but it looks like CWM took a page out of his book on that one!

CWM crawls over and covers again, hooking the leg while barking orders at Nick Patrick to make the count!

ONE!

TWO!

TH-NO!  KICKOUT!

CWM pounds the mat in anger, then gets up and gets in Nick Patrick's face about the count, accusing him of favortism towards Malibu!  Patrick does not take this kindly, and responds that he's making the count just as he normally would.  CWM persists, continuing to argue that he should have won with that last fall, but his persistence is his downfall, as a groggy Malibu comes up behind him, and takes him over with a German suplex!  

COLE
This is not where CWM wants to be!

Zack rolls them to their feet, and a second German follows, followed by a third, then a fourth, then a FIFTH, then a SIXTH, and then lucky number seven sees a high angle release German suplex that sends CWM sailing face first to the canvas!  Malibu collapses, both men are down, and the fans are at a fever pitch!  Zack crawsl over to CWM and rolls him onto his back, and hooks a leg for good measure.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-NO!  NO!  SHOULDER UP!

COACH
Yeah, boy!  C'mon, that bank account can grow, all you gots to do it take this preppy mofo out!

Zack comes up, and looks to bring CWM up with him, but CWM pulls him down into a small package, looking for a flash pin!

ONE!

TWO!

THR-KICKOUT!  ZACK KICKS OUT!

COLE
Such a close call!  

Both men come up, and CWM quickly drives a boot into Zack's gut, then spikes him with a HUGE DDT, dropping Zack right on the top of his head!  With Zack laid out, CWM heads out to the apron and looks to climb the ropes, looking for the coup de grace of this contest.

COACH
This is it, Mikey, I can feel it!

CWM gets to the top, and doesn't take much time to leap into the air, coming down with an elbow to drive into the sternum of Zack Malibu...but at the last second, Zack moves out of the way, and CWM's elbow rams into the canvas!

COLE
Zack moved!

COACH
Really, did he?  I was unaware!

CWM kicks around on the canvas, having come up short and now filled with agony.  Zack slowly comes up, and eyes CWM, bracing himself for a counter attack.  Zack remains in the ready position, waiting for CWM to get to his feet, because when he does...SCHOOL'S OUT!

NO!  IT'S CAUGHT!  CWM catches the foot and throws it down, then hooks Zack for a POLLYCUTTER~!...BUT ZACK COUNTERS THAT WITH AN ANGLE SLAM~!  COVER~!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING!  DING!  DING!

COLE
HE GOT HIM!  Zack Malibu has defeated CWM!

COACH
Bah!  

Providence, Rhode Island erupts with cheers, as "Getting Away With Murder" plays loudly inside the Dunkin' Donuts Center.  That's still not enough to drown out the cheers, however, as the hometown hero has successfully defended his honor against one of his legendary peers.

COLE
CWM came out of hiding, unhappy with Zack's role as the OAOAST's protector, then wound up selling out, only to come up short!

COACH
I don't think Mr. Moneymaker is going to be too happy about this!

As Zack celebrates, Moneymaker makes his way out, storming down the aisleway looking displeased.  He slides into the ring, as CWM is coming to his feet, and pushes the veteran into the corner, slapping him repeatedly and berating him verbally.  CWM refuses to take that, however, and despite being a bit worse for wear, he shoves Moneymaker off, and cocks his fist, ready to fight!

COLE
Look at this, CWM is ready to fight!

Moneymaker laughs at this, and then removes his jacket.  He waves CWM on, but CWM hesitates.  Moneymaker waves him on again, only to be BLASTED~! with a SCHOOL'S OUT FROM ZACK MALIBU~!

COACH
WHAT THE HELL!?!?

COLE
Theodore Moneymaker, I believe you have just been served, sir!

Zack looks down at Moneymaker, then at CWM.  They two eye each other and look like they're about to come to blows again, but then CWM bows out, ducking through the ropes and then hopping the rail, exiting the building through the crowd rather than the aisleway.

COLE
CWM arrives out of nowhere, and just like that he disappears into the night after a hard fought battle, trying to reclaim some of that lost glory against Zack Malibu, and...wait, what's this?  Zack has the mic!

Malibu takes the mic from Michael Buffer, and standing over a fallen Moneymaker, starts to speak.

ZACK
Moneymaker, it seems to me that we're just going to keep running around in circles, trying to get rid of each other.  I've been sick of you for a long time, and I've about had it.  The cowardice, the bribery, the running and avoiding is all going to come to an end, because this time I made a deal that even you can't top.  

Moneymaker, only now starting to come to, starts to roll on the canvas, so Zack yanks him up by the collar of his shirt and sets him in the corner.

ZACK
So here's the deal, Moneymaker.  You did beat me last week at the New Year's Spectacular, and yes, both Alison and Candie got a little too overzealous.  So tonight, while you were taking care of your business, I was taking care of mine.  Actually, I was taking care of our business.  Because I went to Josie and asked her for a favor.  I asked her to do something for me for Anglepalooza...and she did it all on one condition...that I relinquish my spot in the Lethal Rumble, and my potential chance to get a shot at the World Heavyweight Title at Anglemania!

The fans boo, but Zack is quick to respond.

ZACK
People, trust me, you're going to like this even better.  See, Josie was a genie of sorts tonight, because I got three wishes for giving up that spot.  There are a few things more important right now, namely this issue between you and I, Moneymaker.  It's going to go away, and it's going to go away at Anglepalooza.  Because FIRST, for one night only, CANDIE will return to the ring...TO TAKE ON ALISON ONE ON ONE!

COLE
Whoa!  Candie, back in the ring!

COACH
Ok, that COULD be good.

ZACK
Secondly, you and I are signed for a rematch, Teddy.  Zack Malibu, Theodore Moneymaker, ONE ON ONE AT ANGLEPALOOZA!

The fans roar, and Moneymaker does not look happy as he checks to make sure his jaw is in place.

ZACK
Third, and oh boy are you going to love this, I...

Moneymaker interrupts, snatching the mic out of Zack's hand.

MONEYMAKER
YOU WANT ME IN THE RING AGAIN!?  FINE!  YOU WANT TO GIVE UP YOUR CHANCE AT THE WORLD TITLE AGAIN JUST TO BE EMBARRASSED ONE MORE TIME, THEN FINE!  ANGLEPALOOZA IT IS, ZACK!  I'LL TAKE YOU ON ANY PLACE, ANY TIME, ANY KIND OF MATCH!

Moneymaker shoves the mic into Zack's chest, breathing heavily as he's eyes look like they're about to bulge out of his head.

ZACK
Any place?

Moneymaker nods yes.

ZACK
Any time?

Again, Moneymaker nods yes.

ZACK
Any kind of match?  

A third time, a third nod.

ZACK
Well, I'm glad you said that, Teddy.  Because I think that we should go out in style.  We need to do this in a way where this war is ended for good.  No Enterprise, no In Crowd, no Candie or Alison, no buyoffs or bribes.  Just you and me, one on one, the brawl to end it all.  So I thought long and hard, and it got me to thinking about another guy that was a thorn in my side, a guy that I couldn't get off my back, not until it came down to a last resort...and I'm exacting that last resort at Anglepalooza, because instead of the Lethal Rumble, instead of trying to get to Anglemania to face the World Champion, I'm going to get you out of my life forever, and we're going to do that inside a steel cage, with no doors, no way out of it except to SURVIVE...

Moneymaker's eyes grow wide again, this time out of shock and fear.

ZACK
...OR SURRENDER!

Zack drops the mic, and stares Moneymaker down, as the fans go CRAZY~!, extremely happy at Zack's announcement that one of the most brutal matches in OAOAST history will again take place at Anglemania!  Moneymaker flips out, kicking the ropes, swinging his suit jacket around and shouting incoherently, as Zack looks on.  Offering just a smirk, Malibu eyes Moneymaker, who has gone wild at this point, and then ducks out of the ring, as we fade to black here on another edition of HeldDOWN~!

GOOD NIGHT WORLD