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OAOAST TMW: A comedy/erotic e-fed

TMW 6/3/2018


Chanel #99

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***The Hairy Nutt Saks, Tristan Nystrom, Painbow Vs The Shell Gang (Fabian Nystrom, Jose Cantu-Si, Wesley Singleton, Ignatius Maddix)***

The tag champs had some trash can lids and used them to whup on The Shell Gang before the bell even rang!

REJECT
Did I miss something? Is this a hardcore match?

RENEE
It will be for the tag titles at AngleMania X-Seven!

REJECT
Yeah, but this isn't AngleMania!

The Nutt Saks had a problem when DAS WRESTLING MACHINE came and interfered in the affair. Again before the bell even rang!

WHITE LOTHAR
I'm sorry, were we supposed to be elsewhere?

So basically with DWM making nusiances of themselves the whole thing devolved into an impossible to control handicap match. Again before the bell rang. When it did ring, The Nutt Saks were worn down, The Shell Gang used the disarray of the faces to their advantage and Iggy picked off Nutt with a Go2Sleep for the win!

Winner: The Shell Gang, via pinfall

RENEE
Another victory for The Shell Gang. But will they clean sweep at AngleMania X-Seven live from NRG stadium this Sunday!

And now for our intro!

 

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In the Backroom, OAOAST TMW correspondent Terry Taylor approaches Woke Queens who are enjoying glasses of milk at the bar.

TERRY
Ladies, it’s you two vs. The Nasty Boyds for the Hotties Tag Titles this weekend at AngleMania!

TORI
I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so... scared! 

How2Girl stops Tori not to comfort her... but wipe away her milk mustache! 

Tori turns beet red.

HOW2GIRL 
I thought you looked really cute.

The compliment lifts Tori’s self-esteem, while in the background Terry slips something in the girls’ drinks and hopes none of the millions of people who watch the show spot him!

TORI
It’s just that... Well, AngleMania is finally almost here. Put up or shut up time, you know? I mean what if we let everybody down?

How2Girl grabs Tori’s hand.

HOW2GIRL 
We’ve vanquished every threat before us to put ourselves in this position. Win or lose, we’ll always have each other and the support of all our fans!

TERRY
I’ll drink to that!

Just as Terry is about to hand Woke Queens their drinks a GARBAGE CAN thrown their direction knocks them over and shatters some of the other bottles at the bar!

TERRY
?

“Nastisized” cues up out of the blue, or so it would seem. Instead it’s the ringtone of former OAOAST Superstar ABDULLAH NERDLY who’s in the Backroom visiting as...

1ubxyHm.jpg

... THE NASTY BOYS make an appearance!

KNOBBS 
Hey! You see that?! GARBAGE! Just like the words outta your mouths!

It’s unclear at first whether the girls know of the wrestling royalty in their presence. 

Tori gasps.

TORI
It’s them damn Dudleys!

KNOBBS & SAGS
THE DUDLEYS?!

HOW2GIRL 
Ohhh! I remember. *shoves Sags* Debo! Get the tables! 

SAGS
It’s Devon, you dumb broad. But we ain’t the damn Dudleys. We’re the Nasty Boys! 

KNOBBS
And we’ve got a bad reputation. One as bad as the broads who are gonna stomp your stinkin’ faces at AngleMania! The only meanest, roughest, toughest pair worthy of carrying on the Nasty name, the queens of Nastyville, baby, and the current Hotties Tag Team Champions... The Nasty Boyds!

SAGS
Get ready for Nasty Sensation! And what getting Nastisized is all about this weekend at AngleMania!

KNOBBS
THIS WEEKEND?! I don’t wanna wait till this weekend! How ‘bout a FREE PREVIEW?!

Suddenly the girls are attacked by THE NASTY BOYDS! They’re beaten and choked by the Boyds nightsticks and slammed against the bar counter/driven face-first into dining tables. All the Nastys have a good laugh at the carnage... until the Boyds turn on the guys, leaving them laying after using their nightsticks on them as well! 

The Boyds lick the tip of their nightsticks and exit as Terry re-emerges from hiding behind the bar. Meanwhile, Abdullah Nerdly is unexpectedly visited by Lisa Ann’s executive assistant BLANCHEFLEUR.

BLANCHEFLEUR
Come with me.

When a woman like Blanchefleur asks you to come, you do just that. Abdullah follows her to a room as an ad for AngleMania airs.

ANGLEMANIA X-7... CUM AND GET IT! 

THIS WEEKEND!!!

Back in the Toy Box, Abdullah is now in the ring shirtless but still in his street clothes. He’s also very upset referee Nerdregard (whose zebra stripes are camouflaged for the celebration of Memorial Day) is forcing him to keep on a blanket with a headband that serves as a makeshift turban. 

REJECT
It’s good to see my boy Abdullah out here, but I don’t understand what’s going on. Is he gonna wrestle?

RENEE 
Do you punt all your boys in the head and put them through a table?

REJECT
Only the ones I care about. 

I won't go down without a fight
I won't go down without a fight
I'll take you down for more then's right
I'll beat you down

I won't go down without a fight
I won't go down without a fight
I'll take you down for more then's right
I'll beat you down

On this Memorial Day week Sgt. Lyle Holt arrives on the scene waving Old Glory. Within seconds he’s got the crowd in a patriotic frenzy.

“U-S-A!”

“U-S-A!”

“U-S-A!”

Holt points at Abdullah in all his garb.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Abdullah can only shrugs his shoulders going from a backstage visit to being booked as the bad guy on Memorial Day week. He tries to have a convo with Holt and is attacked, to the delight of the crowd who cheer on the American hero.

REJECT
Abdullah is being fed to the wolves!

It’s all over within a couple minutes after Holt puts away the evil foreigner with his Dishonorable Discharge reverse suplex!

Winner: Sgt. Holt, via pinfall.

Post-match, Sgt. Holt plants the flag on Abdullah’s stomach and salutes the crowd to “USA” chants.

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n the ring we have some Studs shooting out Shell Gang t-shirts to the crowd, as Renee Young and Reject are going over the AM card.

RENEE
AngleMania X-Seven is this Sunday live from NRG stadium!

REJECT
We're expecting a record setting crowd, tickets are all sold out, so fuck you if you didn't get yours.

RENEE
He's kidding, he's kidding. You can watch on TMW Network, we'll be here all day. Because-

REJECT
Toni Patrica forgot Abe Lincoln abolished slavery.

RENEE
In the mainevent we-

Renee is interrupted by PAINBOW coming into the ring and drilling the Studs with big boots!

RENEE
That Bitch Kick!

REJECT
That's a real G that's kicking!

Painbow throws one of the Studs onto his shoulders and demolishes him with an F-5!

RENEE
He's calling that Alt+F4!

Painbow grabs a microphone.

PAINBOW
Ain't no selling no t-shirts, ain't no giving away no merchandise, Fabian Nystrom, just come to AngleMania X-Seven and get this action! Faggot!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAA!"

Painbow throws down the microphone and flashes the gang signs to the roaring audience.

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Backstage in one of the store rooms for the sex toys we find..

baywatch-alex.jpg
DECEMBER BELLE
Not being raped, but rather browsing the cadre of bondage swings! We don't get any Decemberisms as appearing from behind is...

062617-dbb-kat-graham-lead.jpg?itok=pN2P
BLANCHEFLEUR


BLANCHEFLEUR
December, December...

DECEMBER
Uh-oh

BLANCHEFLEUR
Uh-oh is right. Why do you keep sneaking in here?

DECEMBER
I like the toys.

December points to all the pretty bondage swings.

BLANCHEFLEUR
You're being serious. But, let me ask you a question. Do you like employment?

DECEMBER
I like enjoyment. It's fun to enjoy things.

Blanchefleur is ready to snap!

BLANCHEFLEUR
Employment! If you wouldn't have snuck in here all the time and spent more time answering your phone, you would have heard from Lisa Ann about your contract extension.

DECEMBER
I don't take Extense. I have a vagina.

BLANCHEFLEUR
Of course you do, you twit! Enough of this. Your contract expired, but Lisa Ann told me I have to try and catch you and sign you. But, I have a better idea.

DECEMBER
I like good ideas. I'm intelligent that way.

BLANCHEFLEUR
Grrrrrrrr. Listen good, this show like life is about getting fucked. And if you don't beat me in the ring tonight, you're fucked and out of a job. If you beat me, you can name your price on your new contract, and you can be in the Lethal Bang.

DECEMBER
Name my price? I'd like to name it Tom. It's a very unique name.

BLANCHEFLEUR
No it isn't!

That's enough talk for BF, and she stalks away more determined to keep December unemployed than ever.

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***Blanchefleur Vs December Belle***

RENEE
Is Blanchefleur crazy? She may be a witch, December is a multiple time OAOAST Women's Tag Champion and a former Hotties Champion.

REJECT
Blanchefleur is showing the kind of take charge leadership Lisa Ann made her assistant GM for.

RENEE
Except she's directly ignoring Lisa Ann's orders.

Blanchefleur must not have known about December because she ran in for a lariat and didn't even take her off her feet! For some reason she thought chopping her would be better, and I'm here to tell you it wasn't!

DECEMBER
I'm sleepy.

Blanchefleur tried a leg sweep, but couldn't even actually sweep December's long legs.

RENEE
Gee, what a surprise, the assistant GM can't beat a former OAOAST Hottie's Champion.

Blanchefleur sought to take a page out of Ruby's playbook and cast a spell, and cast a water spell on to give her hypothermia. The problem is it that it just charged up the pro December crowd...

 

"DEM SOME TITTIES! DEM SOME TITTIES!"

BLANCHEFLEUR
Fuck!

Trying a different tack Blanchefleur collared December by waist and thought she could German Suplex her. But instead December made an effortless standing switch and launched her well across the ring. So far in fact she hit Referee Buzzlefoxer V!

REJECT
Good job, dumbass. We killed another Buzzlefoxxer.

As December looked concern for the referee, her real concern should be who enters the ring!

RENEE
Pike Pantera!

The Illuminati hitman loads up his Smoking Gun gore finisher. But this gun misfires thanks to Lawson Belle coming in and clobbering him with a chair!

"YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAA!"

REJECT
That's supposed to be a nice guy?

RENEE
Uh, his sister was about to get speared by a three hundred pound man!

DECEMBER
Oh, hey, Lawson, how long have you worked here?

BLANCHEFLEUR
Aaaaggghhhh!

Blanchefleur has it UP to here with December. Well, she probably had it up to here with her a long time ago. Anyway she throws everything but the kitchen sink at December, but still gets casually swept up in the hurricane that is an F-5 into a Rock Bottom that Buzzlefoxer was awake to score the fall on!

RENEE
Wake Me Up When December Ends!

REJECT
It can't end soon enough.

Winner: December Belle, via pinfall

RENEE
December keeps her job and heads to the Lethal Bang. While her little bro will face Pike Pantera in the ultimate grudge match at AngleMania X-Seven! Will there be Belle supremacy in Houston?

REJECT
God, I hope not

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Previously on OAOAST TMW... Brea Brea gets choked out by Hard on Hoes Champion Princess Danger during a recent tag bout that also featured Adelphe St. Nerdregard & The Big Boss Lady.

Backstage, Brea fumes in front of a monitor that she watches from an awkward angle WWE style. A still image of her laid out. OAOAST correspondent Annie Idol approaches as Brea huffs and puffs like vintage Hulk Hogan, but before Annie can get in a word the still image on the monitor is replaced by Princess Danger in a pitch black room, the HOH Title around her waist. 

* tap * tap *

PD taps the screen with her flashing multicolored sword. Another of her intimidation tactics. Then she produces a brightly attired EFFIGY of Brea and decapitates its balloon head with her sword!

PRINCESS DANGER
:lol: 

Brea’s blood boils. She balls up her fists and trembles with rage as the monitor in the room goes dark, followed by a single sentence.

BREA
This weekend at AngleMania... I am the danger, Princess. 

ANNIE
:o 

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***ReX Vs Doc White***

RENEE
We've seen how ReX has tormented and abused The Time Killers. Now's Doc's turn to get-

REJECT
Squashed?

RENEE
No. Get revenge.

REX
You wanted ReX? You got ReX!

ReX lunged for Doc early on, only for Doc to avoid him entirely. Doc then fired off a wave of dropkicks. None of which could fell the Galaxy Champion. But a springboard dropkick did!

"YYYYYYYEEEAAAAAAAA!"

REJECT
I don't believe him, he took him off his feet.

Doc went up top and hit a moonsault, but was pressed off ReX and sent flying across the ring.

RENEE
So much power!

Doc tried a springboard crossbody, but ReX converted it into a Razor's Edge!

"OOOOOOHHHHHHH!"

As if that weren't bad enough ReX bashed Doc with a deadlift powerbomb into the turnbuckles.

REX
I hope your spine is crushed!

RENEE
How can he say that?

Doc would get in about three more dropkicks, but in the end fell victim to the Syringer in short order to take a knock out loss.

Winner: ReX, via referee stoppage.

ReX wasn't happy with the match being stomped and threw the official out of the ring entirely! He then prepared Doc for another powerbomb.

RENEE
Hey! Come on! You've done enough!

REJECT
It's never enough when you're the Galaxy Champion.

But BLAINE CAYLEY jumped ReX from behind with his cricket bat! He bashed ReX until he got the big man out of the ring. Unfortunatley before too much could go down, officials intervened. Not just officials but lower carders and Studs.

REJECT
They might need the LAPD next.

As Blaine was backing up the stage FABIAN NYSTROM took hold of him and hit him with his pop up German suplex onto the LED ramp!

RENEE
Carpe That Fucking Diem! Oh no!

REJECT
Fabian snuck in and dumped Blaine on his head.

Blaine was out like a light as Fabian backed up the entrance ramp throwing up the Gang Gang hand signal.

RENEE
What did he just do? We know Blaine's history of concussions? What's next? How can he make it to AngleMania X-7?

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INT. Shack.Missouri woods. Daytime.

Life is blurry for Jock Mulligan. The future is blurry and his vision is blurry as he awakes as if coming out from hell. His surroundings he can barely make out, but there's not much to look at. Just an old rundown abandon shack, and his daughter wetting his forehead with a napkin.

STACY
Good, you're awake

JOCK
What happened?

Jock doesn't see the bad wound on his stomach.

STACY
You're a pretty bad driver.

Now he sees the bad wound on his stomach.

MISTER DICK
Accident. Fantastic. Baron? He okay.

He doesn't remember, Stacy realizes. He's hurt more than his stomach. He's hurt his heart.

STACY
He's...he's just out for a ride in his wheelchaiir. That's all.

MISTER DICK
Fucker forget his meds.

GLASS JULIET (OS)
Ohhhhh, Staaaaccccy!

EFFIE REESE (OS)
Cooommmeee outtt and play

MISTER DICK
Who's that?

STACY
Just some friends.

Stacy sighs and exits the shack to face down the fang bearing Effie and Glass. She's prepared for a fight to the death. Not her death. Neo Cunt-Fu can never die!

Glass and Effie stand in front of a jeep grand Cherokee with smiles that don't fit their true purposes.

STACY
Jock is dying.

GLASS JULIET
You act like that's OUR fault.

STACY
Grrrr, it is your fault! We're strong girls, we're supposed to stick together and fight the degenerate males who ruin the innocence of the sweet delicate flowers.

EFFIE
Well duh, that's exactly what we're trying to do! We're your super magical vampire saviors!

GLASS JULIET
So true. Half true. Mostly moi is your savior. You see before I became the TMW mascot, and was just a lonely vampire ex-cheerleader, I did save a certain baby's life with my magical blood. And wouldn't ya know her mother promised me whatever I want in return for saving her life.

EFFIE
Ah, yes, yes, the backstory becomes clear. So when this mother refused to let her daughter join our vampire cheerleading squad, she had to meet a terribly terrible end! The shock! The horror!

STACY
You killed my mother over cheerleading? You killed Baron and Big Papa Thrust over cheerleading?!

GLASS JULIET
Is there any other reason to kill?

STACY
You have awakened the fury of Stacy Kuntz! Neo-Cunt-Fu demands I avenge her, Baron, and Big Papa! And Jock! You will accept my challenge for a duel at AngleMania.

GLASS JULIET
We could...

STACY
And if you win, I'll join your cheerleading squad! But if I win, you will live your immortal life with the shame and disgrace of losing to a human!

GLASS JULIET
Hmmm, that does present some exciting business opportunities. Like an AM payday! But I take care of my co-captain, so you gotta fight Effie first before you get to the girl power!

STACY
I'll take you on, I'll take Effie on, and I'll kick your butts so hard the next Glass wannabe is gonna feel it!

EFFIE
I..I can't follow that line up! I'm missing my big moment!

Stacy sighs at the fact that her life has been ruined by these two psychotic cheerleading vampires. But, they hold true to their word and hop back in their JEEP to drive off.

Stacy hurries back inside to find her father...still alive. But for how long?

JOCK
So this is it?

STACY
Probably not! Stay positive!

JOCK
I ain't done a damn thing positive in my life. The bullshit, the lies, the cheating. Did it all to die in a shack in fucking Missouri.  And you know what?

STACY
What?

MISTER DICK
I'd do it all over again in a fucking minute!

STACY
You would?

MISTER DICK     
I want you to become Miss Cunt. When they put a glass ceiling over your head you Stiff Kick that thing down. When they come for your spot, you Jock Hammer them right back down to the dark matches. When they say you're done...

Jock starts coughing up blood. This may well be the end of a legend in this business. This world.

MISTER DICK
When they say you're done...

STACY
Yes?

MISTER DICK
Fuck em.

The last words of Jock Mulligan. Fuck em. Are there any last words more fitting than that? Would anyone's final death rattle match their personality so well as Jock Mulligan's word did.

Even so they do little to comfort Stacy, who's lost everything in just a matter of weeks. And who stands to lose her freedom in just a few days time.

STACY
(crying)
Goodbye...dad.
 

FADE OUT

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