Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY PRESENTED IN HD No, introductory video tonight, because apparently the entire production department decided to catch an early flight to England, leaving a hobo strung out on LSD who wandered in the vacant truck to handle the duties. So, we go right to announce team. The announce team that is currently asleep. COACH Huh....what? Awww, shit, wake up, Cole. Wake up, son! COLE What? What? Damn it, Coach. A six pound bacon cheeseburger stuffed between the lean thighs of Justin Timberlake. Don't you ever wake me up from that dream again! Uh, so anyway, welcome to HeldDOWN! Bit of a lean show tonight. Most of our performers have already departed for England, meaning we won't bee seeing too much in ring action..... COACH There are about sixty useless clowns on this roster, and maybe sixteen singles titles. You're telling me they all needed to get across the globe two or three days early for a show they ain't even on? Must of these dudes get maybe four matches a year. They should be leaping at an opportunity to compete without having to worry about being overshadowed! While Coach rants and raves, we scan towards the entry area where Big Things Poppin' is already playing, as we find James Blonde and his erstwhile Samoan partner Faqu on their way to the ring. BUFFER This tag-team contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing, team number one. First from Vancouver, British Columbia and weighing in at two hundred pounds... JJJAAAAAMMMEEEEEESSS... BBLLLLLOOOOONNDDEEEEEE!! And his tag team partner. Hailing from the Isle of Samoa! He weighs in tonight at three hundred and one pounds... FFFAAAAAAAAAQQUUUUUUUUUU!!! A mixed reception greets the duo as they make their way down the aisle. Blonde leads the way making a confident speech to the nearest camera, leaving Faqu trailing slowly behind. The big Samoan looks stoicly ahead as he climbs the steps. BUFFER And in the ring. First, two hundred ten pounds, from Miami, Florida, TJ MASON! And his partner, from Davenport, Iowa, one hundred eighty six pounds, CAMERON COLE! The two rookies soak up their moment in the spotlight, Wilson letting out a load roar to the cameras as Cole waves to his fellow Iowa natives. Their youthful exuberance doesn't last long once Faqu makes the apron though. Both the unknowns watch on wide-eyed as Faqu steps into the ring and shoots a death glare in their direction. COLE We saw Faqu and Blonde a couple of weeks ago and they were impressive in their victory over Los Diablos De Fuego. And we also saw a different attitude out of these two former HI-YAH superstars. Now, I spoke to them both earlier... well, I saw 'both', I spoke to James Blonde, who also spoke for his partner. And needless to say, they are both very bitter over the takeover of their previous employers, HI-YAH Promotions, by the OAOAST. COACH Can you blame them? Shit's getting out of hand Michael, AngleSault's got some sort of power fix goin' on. First he buys up HI-YAH, now he's buying up WDW, putting people out of work, changing people's lives with the stroke of a pen. And now, guys like Faqu and James Blonde gotta come back to an already over-crowded locker room of like 85 people who get one match every month and a half? Faqu was the HI-YAH Champ for over a year! He was the man! Now, none of it counts for jack! I don't blame them for being pissed. Giving his partner a pat on the back, Blonde agrees to let his partner start. The short straw seems to have been drawn by Cameron Cole on the opposite side. *DINGDINGDING!* COACH Hey, this guy isn't a relative of yours, is he? COLE Not that I'm aware of. Cole bravely walks out of his corner and approaches Faqu, waiting for a lock-up. But Faqu has other ideas, knocking him down flat with an open handed thrust to the throat! "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!" COACH You know, maybe you should look into it, you might be his next of kin. With Cole left looking up at the lights, Faqu glances over at Wilson. He holds his hands up in penance, as slowly Faqu reaches down and drags Cole to his feet. An irish whip sends Cole forcefully into a neutral corner, so forcefully infact that the already weakened rookie falls back on his ass, sat up against the bottom turnbuckle. And with a loud cry of "SAMOA!", Faqu charges in after his opponent, driving his posterior into Cole's face at full speed!! COACH WOAH! COLE Man, Cameron Cole's head snapped back violently on that move. Where the hell did that come from!? COACH Samoa? Once his head ceases rolling around his shoulders, Cole goes limp against the buckle. Faqu drags him right out and to his feet though, scooping and slamming the youngster down before tagging in the eager James Blonde. Blonde goes straight for Wilson for some reason though, bumping him off the apron before going after Cole. The unneccessary tactic doesn't even draw Wilson into the ring, not that Blonde really cares, as he drops a Double Stomp across the chest of Cole and covers, lazily... 1... 2... No! COLE Not enough, this kid has got that fighting Cole family spirit in him! Blonde shrugs it off and tags Faqu back into the match. A little unprepared for being tagged back in so soon, Faqu takes a second to get into the ring, allowing Cole to start crawling to his corner. A slow, pained crawl, Faqu just strolling past Cameron and kicking him IN THE FACE before he can reach his corner. COACH YO~! COLE Now that was a little unneccessary. However, for some reason, Faqu then picks up and pitches Cole into the corner anyway, allowing the tag to be made. Happy for whatever small mercies he's given, Wilson rushes right into the ring ready to take over... ...and gets bowled over with a hard clothesline from the Samoan Wrecking Ball! COLE Seems like Faqu wants some fresh competition, if that's the right word in this situation. Which it isn't. Gamely getting back to his feet, Wilson at least puts up a fight and throws a forearm. He gets caught by the throat though and shoved back into the enemy corner, Faqu engulfing him in there with an Avalanche a second later! Tag is made and Blonde is legal again. With Wilson still stuck in the corner, behind Faqu's 300 plus pound frame, Blonde gets a run-up from across the ring. Clothesline in the corner, followed up by a Bulldog out of it and James Blonde quickly tells his partner to put the finishing touches on the helpless Wilson, the big Samoan dropping across the spine with a Big Splash and crushing the Floridian! "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH Damn, that's like a house falling on you! Or at the very least, a pretty large mobile home. Still the beating isn't over though. Blonde sits TJ back up and leans down on the neck, while passing instructions to Faqu. COLE This is nothing more than for display purposes right now. Faqu and Blonde are sending out a message to the OAOAST locker room, through these two young prospects. COACH I don't think these kids have many prospects anymore. Real estate maybe. With the message getting across, Blonde finally pulls TJ up to his feet, dragging him into a short knee to the gut and passing him off. Faqu takes Wilson in with a double underhook and takes him up... ...and DOWN with a Butterfly Piledriver, just spiking the rookie on his head!! COACH Now, that's a message I'd heed. COLE Ditto. Faqu presses Wilson down, no sign of his partner to save... 1... 2... 3!! *DINGDINGDING!* Faqu stands over Wilson and lets out a guttaral roar as his partner strolls over, patting him on the back before tapping his wrist, a not so subtle hint to the referee to raise it in victory. BUFFER Your winners of the match... JAMES BLONDE and FAAAAAQQQUUUUUUUU!!! COLE Dominant, just about the only word to sum that up. James Blonde and Faqu making a big statement here in Des Moines tonight at the expense of what was admittedly some 'lesser' competition. COACH No kidding. One of them was called 'Cole', which is your last name! COLE Thanks for letting me in on that tidbit. As Blonde and Faqu walk away from the carnage left in the ring, Blonde calls over the nearest TV camera. Leaning across the shoulder of the deeply breathing Samoan next to him, a smile fills the face of The Mover From Vancouver. And with a raise of the eyebrows, he ominously warns that this was "just a sign of things to come." before he and Faqu walk off. COLE Hope you enjoyed that match, because you won't be seeing another until Saturday!COMMERICAL The view switches backstage where everyone's favorite bumbling henchman, Simon Singleton, is busy to do what he does best; bumbling. Dressed in white slacks, a bright orange dress shirt, and green lens oversized glasses he fruitlessly fumbles with his Siclopse. Ignoring his pitiful plight is his partner, Ned Blanchard. Blanchard is bedecked in a rose colored suit, black and blue polka dot tie, and over sized yellow lens glasses. Ned seems preoccupied with admiring his handsome visage in the mirror. SIMON Gee whiz, Nedders, it's great and all that Jade and Mackenzie get a tag title shot, but wouldn't it have been awesome if we could fight for the belts? NED Are you out your mind, man? We already have the six man titles, and stupid Syndicated squash match against the aneroxic Ron Jeremy and Making The Band aside, they are the easiest belts of them all to have. You get all the glory, all the money, and all the fame, with one hundred percent less of the work! Let the rest of the morons here slave away for those idiot fans' love, we've got it made in the shade. Work smart, not hard. Yeah, we get less respect from the stupids in the stands, but we still get all their money. Besides, given that we should beat Rodez and D*LUX in about three minutes, all our attention has got to be on that bra and panties match. SIMON Clean sweep for The Enterprise! Death to the lesbian monster! Death, I say! No quarter asked! None given! Alix and Krista disrobed! Jade and Mackenzie left fully clothed! Simon's exuberance is tempered by Ned's annoyance. NED Sometimes I wish I could just kick you down a flight of stairs. Listen, bro, Theo's put you and I, mostly me, because I have the working brain between us, in charge of seeing that this thing goes the way we want it to go. And the way we want it to go is towards as little clothing as possible. Now, if we play our cards right, and wrong, we could wind up with four hot honnies, near naked, and covered in sweat, and rolling around on the ground for our viewing delight. How's that sound? SIMON Why would you want Jade to lose her clothes? NED Jesus Christ in a taxi cab are you really that dumb? Showing that he's not that dumb, Simon nods his heads towards the camera, indicating Jade may be watching. Thusly, Ned has to scramble for an answer NED A wonderful query, friend, one I thank you eternally for asking! The reason we might want Jade to lose her clothes is so that she can triumph over adversity! So that her victory over her oppressors, Alix and Krista, can taste even sweeter! Imagine Jade on the brink of defeat, making one last surge for Alix's top, yanking it off, and capturing those tag team titles. Revenge, bro, revenge at it's hottest...I mean sexiest...I mean...you know what I meant. Suddenly a gorgeous young lady approaches Moneymaker's cronies. Her lush blond hair curls gracefully in front of bare shoulders. Baby faced cheeks frame an alluring smile that's decorated with shimmering lip gloss. Hazel eyes hint towards a strong sense of self confidence, but also to a bit of nervousness. GIRL Excuse me? Not wasting any time, Ned pulls the key to his hotel room out of his pocket and shoves it into the mystery girl's hand. NED Room 323 Renaissance Savery Hotel. When you get there have room service send up a bottle of whip cream, some cherries, and a few cans of Cheery Coke Zero, gotta keep the six pack going. Riding crop, and motion lotion are welcome but optional. And if you have any sisters, then baby, the room capacity is thirty persons, so bring 'em on up. GIRL Actually I have about nineteen sisters. NED Steady, Nedders. Steady! Hold on, did you say nineteen? What kind of satanic ovaries does your mother have?! Are you one of the Nerdly girls? GIRL Yeah! I'm Molly, and I'm a huge fan! NED (fluffing his rapidly thinning hair) Obviously. MOLLY NERDLY (dismissively) Ugh. I meant him. Ned starts swerving his head around, wondering who Molly could be talking about. NED Who? Simon? SIMON (talking to his reflection in the mirror) Mister Moneymaker says every time I touch myself at night the Jews' and coloreds get a dollar. NED Him?! Hey, bro, come on over here, there's a chick who's gotta eat you....meet you...I need to stop watching porn before I get on camera. Simon turns around to see Molly. SIMON Wow, Ned, you got me a hooker, and it's not even Kwanzaa! MOLLY I'm not the hooker, that's Monica, I'm Molly, and I'm a graduate film student from the Tisch School of Arts at NYU. And, Mister Singleton, without any exaggeration, you are definitely my favorite director of all time! I've been winning various film awards since I was a teenager, but one look at your movies, caused me to realize my entire body of work was substandard at best! Your fluid camera work captures the mise-en-scene in a way Mellieurs would've sold his own mother into the Franco-African slave trade to achieve! SIMON ( to Ned) Director? Camera? The bitch is crazy! Ned points to the Siclopse, which causes Simon a moment of clarity SIMON Ah.....hey, thanks, bout time the masters of modern technology started getting a little respect 'round here! MOLLY The way you only distribute your films by selling out of your car instead of joining in the rat race to whore out to shallow Hollywood dollars, is so Eisentstienen in it's revolutionary assault on bourgeoisie Western Cinema. I mean your latest film, Dog puking on Christian's shoees, with the intentional misspellings in the title, just speaks to a level of “shock stimuli” that agitates the audience's attention in way even the greatest early 20th century montage theorists couldn't achieve. The first time I watched that movie I was in an orgasmic rapture. I felt like Polish audiences when they first took in the harsh dogma so apparent in Wajda's A Generation. Forgive me I presume to much! A man of your talents probably views Wajda as primitive, jingoistic garbage! I guess I just exposed my naiveté, please don't judge me too harshly. SIMON My underwear smells like biscuits. NED (to himself) The only word in those eighty sentences I understood was orgasm, and that's the most important word of them all. (Turning to Molly). Hey, Molly, how would you like a job? MOLLY & SIMON A job? NED Sure, sure. More of an internship with Simon. Unpaid, of course, child support is hell these days, get a job like the rest of America you lazy little girl, but you'll learn more from this new wave counter-culture revolutionary then you'd ever learn sitting in some forty thousand dollar per semester diploma mill like NYU! This is your chance to learn from film making's finest, and get ten credit hours in the process. How about it? MOLLY That'd be awesome! But is it okay with you, Mister Singleton? SIMON Mister Moneymaker says I'm not allowed to have opinions of my own. NED He's kidding! Welcome aboard. Enterprise hug! SIMON Enterprise wha--- Before Simon can finish that final thought, Ned grabs both he and Molly into a enormous hug. He begins gliding his hand down Molly's back, heading towards the golden treasure of her rear end. Unfortunately, the luscious behind he massages is Simon's. As Ned fails to notice this display, we fade out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 We fade in on a shot of the New York City skyline as the sun sets. Mellow music plays. We then see rapid fire shots of various New York City landmarks: the Brooklyn Bridge, Times Square, the Empire State Building, Grand Central Station, the Statue Of Liberty, Central Park.The World's Most Famous Arena. Cut to a shot of Madison Square Garden.The World's Greatest City. Cut to a shot of the New York City skyline at night.The biggest event of the summer. Cut to the OAOAST AngleSlam 2007 logo. Triumphant music plays.OAOAST ANGLESLAMLIVE FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDENNEW YORK, NEW YORKFIVE WEEKS AWAY! NOT VINCE McMAHON, BUT A VERY CLOSE SOUNDALIKE ANGLESLAM 2007! THE SINGLE GREATEST ANGLESLAM OF ALL-TIME!!! Fireworks explode. We fade out.COMMERCIAL BREAK COLE Shifting gears now, ladies and gentlemen. Last week on the program… COACH Ahem. Allow me. Last week on the program, the Heavenly Rockers laid a massive beat down on them Texas punks, Jock Mulligan and Baron Windels. You see, a little challenge was issued the previous week. Still fuming over what happened at the Great Angle Bash, the Lone Star Gunslingers wanted a piece of the Heavenly Rockers. But your traditional wrestling match wasn’t good enough for them, they asked for it to be Last Man Standing. To quote an old family proverb, “Ask and you shall receive…but be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.” COLE With more on that, here’s Maggie Nerdly in…! THE ActionZONE ! Behind the anchor desk is America’s most trusted female journalist, the pride of Papa Nerdly’s semen, Maggie. MAGGIE First of all, a big WHAT’S UP to all the cool cats in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Remember guys and dolls, Thursday night’s most popular television series will broadcast live from the Twin Cities next week. Join us as history is made, as the OAOAST, HI-YAH and WDW tag titles are unified in a scramble steel cage match. It’s gonna be… HOLLY-WOOD?! The wife of Logan Mann, hands placed inside the pockets of her leather jacket, walks onto the set to a mixed reaction from the live crowd. MAGGIE What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out celebrating with the rest of the band? HOLLY I understand where you’re coming from Mags. Melody isn’t just your big sister, she’s your idol, and, more importantly…family. Her pain is your pain. And the pain she’s feeling right now was inflicted upon her by my family, Synth and Logan. Because of them Jock suffered a minor concussion and Baron a broken nose. I know Melody’s watching at home and I want to tell her and a worldwide television audience this: I don’t condone the actions of my husband and his sidekick. So I want to publicly apologize to you and the Gunslingers. What they did was totally over the line. It went above and beyond what this business is about. They raised the stakes and I fear both teams will only keep raising them until one is no longer physically capable of performing in the ring. If that team winds up being the Heavenly Rockers, all I can say is, they made their beds. MAGGIE (gasps) Holly, correct me if I’m wrong, but are you saying if Synth or Logan got seriously injured they deserved it? HOLLY Like I said, they made their beds, and they’ll have to lie on them…sayeth Holly-Wood. MAGGIE COACH Who does that broad think she is, taking a shot at her husband like that? At least Heather had a baby to hold Paul by the balls; Holly’s got nothing. COLE Luckily for us, we still a whole lot more to come! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 Great Britain.Rule Brittania Regal.Brittania rules the waves Noble.Britain never never never shall be slaves Dignified.Rule Britta... Not to be messed with!Anarchy for the UK Proud.It's coming sometime and maybe Brave.I give a wrong time stop a traffic line Ruthless.Your future dream is a shopping scheme Powerful.Cause I... wanna be...Anarchy! Barbaric.NATHANIEL BLACK Coming back to the OAOAST... BLACK Welcome to London... wankers. *************** COACH What's a 'wanker'? *Cole whispers into Coach's ear* COACH Oh. Hehehehehehe... 'wankers'. COLE Oh grow up. Anyway, what was that video about? Let's take it backstage, where our colleague Josh Matthews has caught up with The South Central Militia. We're transported back into the hub of all transport, at least transport heading into the arena tonight, the parking lot. (Boy, that was clunky. Even for me.) Vincent Santana and Marcellus Wallace are chilling and generally illing in front of their beat-up car. Vinny chugs away at his 40oz., leant across the hood of the car, with Wallace standing the other side, arms folded. MATTHEWS Hey, Josh Matthews outside the arena here in Des Moines and right now, I'm with one of the teams counting down the days until August 2nd, Minneapolis, Minnesota and the Scramble Cage Tag Title Unification Match. And Vinny, One Eye, it... WALLACE Yo, what did you jus' call me!? Realising his guests aren't quite as 'down' with the J.Math as he was banking on, Matthews stammers a little. MATTHEWS Uh, I... I thought that was your... WALLACE Unless you wanna end up wi'out an eyeball yo'self, ya'll better never call me that again! If I feels like callin' myself that, I will. Vinny, he wanna call me that, that's fine. We crew. You punk, you better watch yo' mouth, heard? With Moe's finger pointed right in his face, Josh certainly made sure he 'heard'. MATTHEWS O... okay. So, uh, to get back on topic... Scramble Cage is coming up in just one week's time and you have the chance to become the first ever, unified One And Only World Tag Team Champions. So...*SMASH!* The 40oz. crashes into the ground, oz.'s flying everywhere to the shock of Matthews. SANTANA Listen, it's all real simple. Ya'll got six teams and they're gon'be locked up inside a steel cage. It's gonna be a fight. It's gonna be war. Fists gon' be flyin', bodies be flyin', blood, sweat, teeth, all in one lil' steel surrounded battleground. Trill talk, that's how we do in South Central! Me an' One Eye, mah boy Marcellus here, we grew up in South Central L.A, fighting for every opportunity we ever gots in life. We ain't never had a damn thing handed to us by no-one, besides white flags n' bodybags. An' hell, we been locked up our fair share o' times too. So, you wanna lock up twelve of the OAOAST's 'finest' and see who survives, lemme spit game to ya, there ain't nobody gonna fuck wit' us! I mean, for real, you got a couple'a boyband faggots, two apple-pie eatin' college wrestlin' bitches, those West Hollywood motherfuckin' dykes who we still got major beef with... WALLACE And we ain't talkin' bout the roast beef hangin' between Krista's legs neither. MATTHEWS SANTANA Then there's Logan an' Synth, 'The Rockers'. Rap v. rock. Well lemme tell ya, they be Aerosmith and we're Run DMC, representin'. We gonna break through that wall and we're gonna kick their skinny, long-haired, trout-lipped asses 'till they shut the hell up, for real! And then... SOUL (off-screen) And then, you got us brothaaaaa. All eyes turn off screen, as in walk RICO DE JANIERO and LUCIUS SOUL, The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew! Sliding off of the car hood, Vinny stands beside Marcellus ready for a fight. Lucius holds up his hands and motions for them to calm down though, Rico just stroking his 'stache in the background. SANTANA Yo, you wanna throw down!? You wanna go!? SOUL Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. We couldn't help but overhear you two guys talkin' over here and we just had to come over before ya'll got too far ahead of yo'selves. Now, you and I are not so dissimiliar. Oh no. See, yours truly Lucius Soul, he grew up on the streets too. New Orleans isn't quite South Central I'll admit, but ya know, I feel a kinda kinship with you two. I'm 'down'. WALLACE This goin' somewhere? SOUL Indeed it is! See, mah sources have told me that you two gentlemen are in the field of 'protection', if ya catch my drift. Well, it just so happens that myself and Rico here have a proposition for ya'll. Lucius reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulls out a wad of bills. SOUL Hehheh... go ahead, feast your eyes. This right here my friends is twenty five thousand of my own dollars. All you've gotta do is make sure me and my main man Rico here... RICO *strokes 'stache* SOUL ...walk outta Minneapolis with those OAO tag straps to replace these here HI-YAH Tag Titles. Taking a second to think about it, The Militia smirk back at Lucius. WALLACE No deal. SOUL Heh... I believe there's some mistake here. See, I was lead to believe that you were 'for hire', wink wink. Doesn't matter who, just how much, that ring any bells for ya both? WALLACE Sounds like somethin' we'd say, yeh. SANTANA But not August 2nd. Scramble Cage dawg, s'all 'bout us. We ain't fightin' for money, we're fightin' for our pride. And we're fightin' for those belts we get straight robbed of! So, you two dress-up pedophile bitches gonna get bitch-slapped 'round that cage just like everybody else, belie'dat! You best spend that cash on life insurance or somethin'. Trying to keep himself cool and collected, Lucius straightens up his jacket and holds his hands up again. SOUL We'll see you guys next week then. No hard feelings. Lucius turns tail and storms off, with Rico shooting a quick glare at The Militia before following after his ranting partner. Watching on, Vinny and Moe smile to themselves as we go back to the arena. COACH Wow, battle of the suggestive ethnic accents or what! I've never seen so many apostrophes! COLE .....COMMERCIAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 One And Only World Tag Team Title Scramble Cage Match Profile Brought to you by The Hills - The Complete Second Season on DVDName: Team HeyrossMembers:Quentin Benjamin and Charlie MossFrom: Quentin-Seattle, Charlie-MinneapolisCareer Highlights:Two Time OAOAST Six Man Champions. WDW Tag Title Champions. Four time NCAA All Americans. As we return to live action we're whisked to the backstage interview area where OAOAST SuperStud (lol) Terry Taylor stands in a pitifully oversized OAOAST football jersey, and matching gold workout pants. The very picture of a true fashion victim. To his right are the infinitely more fashionable, OAOAST tag team champions, Chicks Over Dicks. Krista looks ready for a day on the Santa Monica boardwalk in a reddish halter jumper that dips just bellow her thighs, and a pink and red floral print headband that rests atop her luscious golden locks. Alix sports a fun red and white tank top, to with faded jeans that flare out hugely towards the shins. TAYLOR Greetings OAOAST fans, Terry Taylor here backstage with America's Sweethearts and OAOAST tag team champions Chicks Over Dicks. Girls, in just a little over a week you both should be competing in a historic scramble cage match to unify the OAOAST tag titles, the HI-YAH titles, and the WDW titles. However, that match could be shot to hell come this Saturday. That's because Theodore Moneymaker has placed you into a tag title match with Jade Rodez and Mackenzie DeCenzo. And not just any title match, but a bra and panties match! All this, of course, is part of his quest to rid the OAOAST, and America of homosexuals. Your thoughts? KRISTA Dearest Theodore's little crusade against us poor widdle wesbians has gone from “HAHAHHHA Jennifer Aniston sure did suck in The Break Up” to “HHHAHAAH Jennifer Aniston is going to die of an overdose. Please help “ level of sadness. But I see the rainbow at the end of tunnel! Because if there's one way that we can completely alter someone's deeply held, long standing, violently ingrained viewpoints, it's by winning a professional wrestling match they're not even involved in. ALIX Are you being sarcastic? KRISTA I can't even tell anymore. TAYLOR Well, part of the reason Moneymaker made this match was to test Mackenzie's loyalty. He was annoyed by the obvious feelings she directed towards you both, and set up this match as punishment for her lesbian leanings. Krista, I've been stalking you for years and all I get is hit with a lawsuit and mandatory anger management counseling! ALIX (ignoring Terry) Yeah, does Teddy's whole thing not make sense to anyone else? What kind of punishment is that? I'm glad he's not the judge at the Mike Vick trial, otherwise he might sentence ol Ron Mexico to fifty hours of community service on the set of the sequel to Underdog. KRISTA A sports joke? How unusually butch of you. Look, Terry, Ally and I are more then happy with anytime we get to spend with Mackenzie, but Theodore Moneymaker's “punishment” operates with a stunning lack of logic that can only be found in pro wrestling. “Damn this closeted lesbian on my staff! How can I ever exorcise the monstrous lesbian beast that has perverted her mind? What methods must I employ to convert her back to right wing Christian heterosexuality?” ALIX “I know! I'll stick her in a match that requires her to tear the clothes off Maxim magazine's hottest babe, and a woman VH1's voted to have the hottest celebrity body. Yes. Yes! That'll rid her of the filthy dyke perversion! Lying helpless, vulnerable, unclothed, and subject to the whims of “The Advocate's cutest lesbian couple” will certainly destroy her lesbian feelings! BWAHHHAHAH!” TAYLOR Well, girls, you'll also be facing Jade Rodez, your former friend and ally, for the first time ever. I have to believe that weighs heavily on your mind. ALIX Hell yeah, dude! Jade Rodez ditched us for generic big black dude number one eighty five, no racist, yes lesbo, the Beverly Hills Blonds, a team who's members aren't even from Los Angeles and have probably never been west of the Staples Center, a guy who gets an erection everytime Krista or I breathe on him Christian Wright, and Theodore Moneymaker, who has all the charming personality of AIDS. Jade, I've burned down people's houses for less then what you did to me. Unfortunately you live in Detroit, which is full of Arabs, and Arabs scare me, so I won't be crossing that line anytime soon, also you live in an apartment. Thus negating efforts to burn down your non existent house. So, I am forced to resort to the next best thing. No, not signing you up to get spammed by alt.rec.bestatility.furry.mickeymouse.rape.porn newsletters, I forgot your e-mail address, but ripping off your clothes on low-rated, late night, syndicated television, in front of an audience of hundreds! TAYLOR And Krista, how do you feel about this match? KRISTA Given that the lone piece of excitement in my life is Maya ranting and raving like a mad woman whenever Hillary Duff releases a new song, I gotta say this match could be the hottest, greatest entertainment venture I've done since Britney Murphy. ALIX But losing to Jade and Mackenzie would be the most disgraceful, disgusting, and disdainful thing I've done since Starr Jones. TAYLOR :throwup: ALIX Funny, that's what I did! KRISTA But I'm not overly worried about winding up on the losing end of this B&P match, because I spent the better part of my college years perfecting the art of getting straight women out of their clothes. Just ask your mother, Terry. Anyway, Mackenzie, is a wonderful, hot, amazing, hot, spiritual, hot woman, she's a top, and the bedroom always needs a few more of those, and did I mention she's hot, and Jade....well, I'll always have a place in my heart for her but when I think of Jade I feel a strange combination of pity and an inflammation of hemorrhoids. So the less said the better. But no disrespect to our gorgeous opponents, but the tag titles going from us to them, would be like someone breaking into the OAOAST's house, stealing all its Mama's and The Papa's albums and replacing them with The Best of Loverboy. So, to all our gay-bi-straight-kinda curious, dial 1-800-suckmedry to chat with the raunchiest studs in LA county, fans, if you're the type to get butthurt over the fate of inconsequential, midcard props of a late night wrestling television show, then fear not! We promise you that at Syndicated we'll be pulling off a victory and plenty of overpriced, sweatshop produced, vaguely racist American Eagle brand clothes. TAYLOR One more thing, before I let you go, girls. You've both taken your own interests in Mackenzie. Maybe, you're looking to invite another of your brethren into the hallowed shrine of your bedroom? But, wouldn't you agree that an open relationship like the one you're proposing is just a stop gap preventing couples for exploring deep rooted psychological issues towards commitment on an emotional and spiritual level? ALIX Hey, I thought we were the homos. TAYLOR KRISTA Well, your point reinforces the fact that the only romantic contact you'll ever get is through the $2.99 per minute you pump into the phone sex line I mentioned earlier, or through the South Central glory hole Vincent Santana earns his crack money (and his oral warts) from. But it also makes me wonder. Ally, if you could have a three way with any one in the whole wide galaxy, who would you pick? And, no saying Cam Diaz she's way too hot, she doesn't count anymore. ALIX I dunno. Who would you pick? KRISTA Eh, probably the girl from Evanescence. ALIX Eww gross! KRISTA Big deal, you'd do Kristy Alley. ALIX Awww, she was kinda cute in Cheers. KRISTA Yeah but you'd do her now! ALIX You'd do Kelly Clarkson....at her fattest! KRISTA Jesus Christ, you're right. ALIX Ewww, super gross! No way? I was, like, kidding and stuff. KRISTA Well, you'd do Amy Winehouse and I bet you a million dollars she has a penis. ALIX So? You'd dyke out JoJo and you're old enough to be her grandmother! KRISTA You'd do Whitney Houston....when she's not on crack! ALIX You'd hook up with April O'Neil from Ninja Turtles! KRISTA That's re-donk-u-lous! She's not even real! ALIX So what? You'd pay hella cash to mac that ASAP. KRISTA Shit. I would. I hate it when you're right. There's a lengthy silence as Krista ponders the advantages of a cartoon girlfriend to flesh and blood one. ALIX Ooooh, I know exactly who'd I do. Kristin Dunst. KRISTA So you wanna call me Kristin? ALIX Oooh, Ally likes. Would that make you hot? KRISTA It'd make me much, much, hotter if you let me call you Maria Sharapova. ALIX Mmmmm I'll call you Kiera Knightley. KRISTA Ahhhh, come to mommy, Evangeline Lilly. Smiling, Krista grabs Alix and roughly pulls her into her arms. ALIX My , you're so naughty, Kate Beckinsale. Giggling, the girls run off, leaving Terry Taylor to wipe sweat from his brow. TAYLOR Whew! For the OAOAST, I'm Denzel Washington, and I'll see you at Syndicated! COMMERCIAL BREAK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 Three Titles HI-YAH Tag Team Championship, WDW Tag team Championship, OAOAST World Tag Team Championship All alike in dignity In fair Minneapolis where we lay our scene From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean From forth the fatal brawl of these six foes The Heavenly RockersWDW Tag Team Champions Team HeyrossHI-YAH Tag Team champions The Mardi Gras Homewrecking CrewD*LUXThe South Central MilitiaOAOAST world tag team champions Chicks Over DicksA group of star-crossed titles are unified One and Only World Tag Team ChampionshipHeldDOWN~!August 2nd, Minneapolis, MinnesotaTag Team Scramble Cage Match to crown the first ever One and Only World Tag Team Champions. The video ends with an image of Logan Mann standing in the center of war stricken city, screaming into the sky. There's a powerful rise of violence within the music followed by a wrenching end. Cut to Maria at the HeldDOWN~! interview set. MARIA Ladies and gentlemen, my guest at this time, the One And Only AngleSault Thread Twenty-Four/Seven Champion, COLOMBIAN HEAT! Colombian Heat appears in the shot. The crowd cheers loudly. Colombian Heat is in his wrestling attire, in addition to wearing tons of jewelry and his sunglasses. Colombian Heat is holding the OAOAST 24/7 Championship belt over his right shoulder. He checks Maria out. COLOMBIAN HEAT Yo. Yo. Wat up. Damn girl. You is one fine young chica. Youse a fly honey. I like to get me some of that, lil' mama. MARIA Lil' Mama? I LOVE Lil' Mama! My lipgloss is poppin'! My lipgloss is cool! All the boys they see me/They chase me after school! Maria then starts doing the Running Man, garnering a huge laugh from the crowd and Colombian Heat. HEAT HA HA HA! I's loves me a girl wit a sense of humour! MARIA So, Colombian Heat, can I call you Colombian? HEAT You can call me anything youse want, suga. MARIA Great! So Colombian Heat, this Saturday on the Saturday night OAOAST Syndicated, you're going to be taking on James Riggs. And if James Riggs wins, then you'll have to take on Riggs AGAIN at AngleSlam...only this time it'll be for the OAOAST 24/7 Title. Have I got that right? Heat nods his head. MARIA Cool! So, what are you thinking about heading into this matchup? Are you worry you might have to face him two times instead of once? HEAT Maria, I's ain't worried about a thang! Whateva happens, happens. If I's beats James Riggs this Saturday, cool, if I's lose, then I ain't gonna be happy, but I'ma man, and I'ma be ready to take him on and defend mah Title at AngleSlam! I've been blessed wit a once-in-a-lifetime opprotunity, so I's ain't gonna take it for granted. Anytime I defend dis Title, I'm on my feet ready and willing to go. And if a match happens at AngleSlam, then shawti, it ain't gonna be any different. James Riggs wants some, then he can come GET SOME! The crowd cheers. Heat adjusts the OAOAST 24/7 Championship belt over his right shoulder. HEAT JR thinks he's got mah number. But dawg, you ain't got nothin'! See, there's alot more than what'chu see in Colombian Heat. I's got me some hidden talents. MARIA Me too! Like I can play a flute with my va-- Heat puts his left hand up in Maria's face. The crowd laughs. HEAT Let's save that for later. When it's just you and me. MARIA Ohhhhhh. Okay! *Giggles* Heat chuckles to himself. HEAT Where was I? Oh yes. James Riggs, I's got me some hidden talents. Just when youse think youse got me, BAM! I unleashed mah hidden talents, and shock the hell out of you! So James Riggs and JR Nation, all two of you, go ahead and do your worst this Saturday. Hell, try and do your worst at AngleSlam if we even get that far. It don't matter. Because James Riggs, whether it's on OAOAST Syndicated or at AngleSlam 2007, sooner or later, you will feel the Heat UP IN THIS-- CROWD BI-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATCHHHHHHH~! HEAT Hells yeah! Heat turns his attention to Maria. HEAT And dat's it. As for you, I'ma staying at-- Heat whispers what is presumbly his hotel room number to Maria. Maria smiles. HEAT A'ight? Peace. See you later, baby gurl. Colombian Heat winks at Maria. Maria giggles. Heat winks to the camera. He walks away with a swagger in his step. Maria watches him go, staring at his ass. MARIA Guys, back to you. HE IS SO HOT! Maria has to fan herself, she is so hot for Colombian Heat. COLE Looks like Maria got more than what she bargained for with that interview! COACH I don't get it. Colombian Heat talks to her once, and she's puddy in his hands. I've known her for two years now, and how far do I get? Nowhere! COLE Coach, asking Maria if she wants to 'Ride the Chocolate Sausage' isn't such a good pickup line. COACH Well, it is to me. COLE That is why you fail. COACH I'd dis you back, but the hobo manning the production truck says we gotta wrap it up because a dude is squatting in his boxcar and he needs to throw down with his switch blade. We'll see you from London, England with Syndicated. COLE Good night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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