OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 6/10/04

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

"Trust me" by Lucy Woodward plays as we SEE THE LOGO~



And we’re live from the sold-out Angle Arena, OAOAST fans going crazily loud in this f’ed up world. In the middle, of the ring, stands one Stephen Joseph Popick, microphone in hand.

Stephen Joseph
Welcome to HeldDown! Tonight is very special, something we should have seen last week. But instead, you get it this week. The red carpet’s been rolled out, I’m dressed up for the occasion (he sports a tux) and ladies and gentleman, I am here to announce that once again, OAOAST corporate producers will be in charge of who becomes your next World Champion.

You see, we tried to let the wrestlers decide, and we tried to let you all decide. But the wrestlers, particularly Zack and Calvin, played politics, keeping the belt in their ‘clique’ here on HeldDown. I saw that no one on IntenseZone ever got a shot, a real shot. Hell, I’m the only guy from iZ to hold a WIN over Zack Malibu in a title match, it was just by DQ! So no more. Back then, people said I abused my power, putting myself in the spotlight. Well, old SJ may in fact have done that, but now I’m dedicated to putting this

::SJ raises 5 fingers::

what this represents, into the spotlight. You see, this isn’t about me, or about Zack, its about elevating talent, talent that has put forth the effort and deserves a chance to shine. Talent, like RVD, that other companies have HeldDown, who should be your World Champion, instead of the mock charade of a title feud we have these days. Face it, every one of you knows who’s done the time, know who’s done the effort, who’s done the math.

Tonight I honor this man, whom I know has carried this company like he is it’s Franchise Player, not some wannabe punk ass who idolized a washed-up has been from Pittsburgh. He’s done more for the OAOAST this year than its namesake, its producers, and all of its writers. Tonight, I am proud to present this…

::SJ raises a championship belt. We don’t get a good look at it::

the official OAOAST Corporate Belt, which recognizes the best damn OAOAST wrestler period, to none other than… Tha Puerto Rican! Welcome to the Inten5e era!

::The crowd buzzes in anticipation at Stephen Joseph Popick's recent announcement. They all wait for Tha Puerto Rican's arrival, as Popick stands in the ring, with a wide, but evil, smile on his face, looking at the HeldDOWN~! entrance. The AngleTron lights up with a Puerto Rican flag, and white, blocky text. Tha Puerto Rican's voice is heard reading the text on the screen.::

*THE CHAMP IS HERE*

::With that, "Know Your Role '99" begins playing over the P.A. System. P.R.'s voice is heard saying "THE CHAMP IS HERE!" several times over the song, as the lights go down in the arena, and flicker on and off. Fog fills up the entrance as P.R.'s brand new entrance video plays on the AngleTron. The crowd waits for a few seconds, before Tha Puerto Rican steps out through the fog. The crowd boos loudly and chants "P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!" Tha Puerto Rican looks at the crowd in contempt and sneers.::

MICHAEL COLE:
Is that Tha Puerto Rican?

JONATHON "THE COACH" COACHMAN:
He certainly looks different.

::Tha Puerto Rican has a brand new look. His dreadlocks have been cut and have been replaced with a short spiky black hairstyle. He is wearing a Puerto Rican flag bandana on his forehead and a gold chain around his neck, but is now sporting a white collar shirt, a red tie, a black sports jacket, black dress pants, and black shoes. He is also wearing a $500 Rolex watch on his right hand, and a pierced left ear, and is also wearing his trademarked sunglasses.::

CABOOSE:
Looks like Tha Puerto Rican has had a "Corporate" makeover.

COACH:
"The Corporate Champion" certainly looks the part.

::As P.R.'s new theme song continues playing, Tha Puerto Rican, "The Corporate Champion", makes his walk down the ramp to the ring. Stephen Joseph applauds his proteage. Tha Puerto Rican jaws with some fans, but then sports a smirk.::

MC:
Tha Puerto Rican has a brand new look tonight.

CABOOSE:
And you shouldn't be suprised, MC. If Tha Puerto Rican is going to be the "Corporate Champion". If Tha Puerto Rican is going to represent OAOAST Corporate against Zack Malibu. If Tha Puerto Rican is going to be the next OAOAST World Champion, he is going to have to look the part. He can't go around looking like a two-bit thug. Not that there was anything wrong with the way he looked before, but he didn't look like a Champion. He didn't look like a World Champion. He didn't look like a Corporate Champion. But now, with Popick's help, the man looks like the Corporate Champion that he SHOULD be!

COACH:
I do notice that he is still wearing a bandana and a gold chain.

CABOOSE:
That's a throwback to his roots. He's not selling out. He's not forgetting his heritage, or his people. He is just evolving. This is Tha Puerto Rican version 2.0!

COACH:
When did he call himself Tha Puerto Rican version 1.0? Where's his P.R.'s Facts?

CABOOSE:
Nevermind. I'm not even going to bother.

::"Know Your Role '99" continues playing as Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring. P.R. steps on a turnbuckle, and poses with his left fist in the air, a'la The Rock. The crowd boos loudly and chants "P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!" but P.R. sneers. He cocks The People's Eyebrow, and smirks.::

CABOOSE:
Ladies and gentlemen, that right there, is your NEXT OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion! I'm calling it now. I am making a bold prediction, Tha Puerto Rican will be the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion in the year 2004! I guarantee it! THIS man should be World Champion at this very moment! But he's not, and that's a travesty! But at least the belt is on Zack Malibu, so that's okay.

MC:
Tha Puerto Rican is Stephen Joseph's Chosen One. The man who Popick, is giving his 100% support and backing to dethrone Zack Malibu and become OAOAST World Champion. This man has the backing of OAOAST Corporate (he does?), but I don't think he has the backing of these fans. "The Corporate Champion", as Popick calls it. The man who will avenge IntenseZone and rule HeldDOWN~! one day as the World Champion.

COACHMAN:
He's not going to be World Champion tonight, but time will tell if Popick's prediction comes true, and P.R. becomes Champion.

CABOOSE:
It damn well will. SJ's a prophet! He was right about Zack Malibu, and he will be right about Tha Puerto Rican. SJ will guide P.R. to the top of the mountain! This P.R./SJ alliance will work out for both men!

MC:
Stephen Joseph shocked us all by attacking Colombian Heat with a lead pipe back at School's Out: Class Dismissed on May 23rd, aligning himself with the former Puerto Rican Champion and leader of The Lightning Crew, Tha Puerto Rican. Colombian Heat is out of action, and will not be back for a few months, we have just found out. And now, as we are seeing, P.R. is taking this alliance to heart, and has a "Corporate" makeover. Now, we will finally heard P.R.'s reasoning for joining up with Popick. For 3 weeks, these two men have been a team, and now we will get the reasoning behind it.

::Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring. Stephen Joseph hands him his own microphone. Joseph continues holding his suitcase, as the lights go back on in the arena, and "Know Your Role '99" dies down. The crowd boos loudly and chants "P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!" Popick stands by and watches as P.R. smiles evilly and begins to speak.::

THA PUERTO RICAN:
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

MC:
He isn't the World Champion yet.

CABOOSE:
He means The Corporate Champion, you moron!

::The crowd boos loudly. P.R. laughs evilly and continues.::

THA PUERTO RICAN:
Now, unless you are blind, you noticed my new look tonight. I have to say, Popick, I get better looking everyday, but this makeover has doubled my hot-ness by 110%! That day at the spa did me alot of good. The manicure and pedicure was great. The massage calmed me down. And those "ladies" you sent over, did me a good amount of service too! HAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

POPICK:
Anytime, my friend. MY Corporate Champion gets the best and ONLY the best!

P.R.:
Now, I am sure, each and everyone of you pieces of trailer-park trash...

::BOOS~!::

P.R.:
I said, each and everyone of you pieces of trailer-park trash are wondering, out of all the people in the OAOAST, out of all the people in the world, why, oh, why pray tell, would Tha Puerto Rican, 2 time Puerto Rican Champion, the longest reigning North American Champion in OAOAST history, and the single, GREATEST Puerto Rican athlete ever, would align himself with Stephen Joseph Popick, the man who has not once, not twice, but THREE times screwed Tha Puerto Rican over? The man who was single-handily responsible for The Lightning Crew Gauntlet to continue? The man who absolved the Puerto Rican Championship Rulebook and made the Puerto Rican Championship an official OAOAST title belt? The man, who I personally hold a grudge, or "held" a grudge towards to, and the man who I felt was responsible for making me lose the Puerto Rican Championship to The Mad Cappa at AngleMania III back in March in a No Disqualification Match?

::Crowd pops for mention of Cappa's name.::

MC:
It's true. The Lightning Crew beat on Stephen Joseph back in December. What a change of heart in only 6 months!

THA PUERTO RICAN:
Well, the answer can be summed up in one word: CORPORATE! For you see, the sole reason I joined up with Stephen Joseph Popick was because he is a member of OAOAST Corporate. Now, don't believe what that HACK Zack Malibu tells you. He doesn't control the OAOAST. HE does!

.R. points to Popick. Popick blushes a little, but smiles, and does the "bowing" motion to P.R. The crowd boos.::

CABOOSE:
You can't deny that fact. He is Corporate you know.

THA PUERTO RICAN:
And it is with that, that I did what I did. Because, I want to become OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion. I NEED to become OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion. It is my life mission to have that belt around my waist. It is what I strive for, and the reason I work hard, giving my 100% every damn day of my life!

STEPHEN JOSEPH:
That is one of the reasons I chose you, P.R. It is your determination. It is your motivation to win that belt that made you my #1 choice.

P.R.:
Exactly, Popick. Not one single OAOAST superstar has the drive I have. NOT ONE! Now, if you take my drive and determination to become OAOAST World Champion, and add that with Stephen Joseph's Corporate connections and being a member of OAOAST Corporate, then you will see why I aligned myself with him. Simply put, Tha Puerto Rican did what he had to do to get to the top of the mountain. Now, I know what you're thinking: I'm cheating. I'm using Stephen Joseph to become World Champion. I rather use Popick's corporate connections to become World Champion, then start at the bottom, and work my way to the top. Well, to you I say: FUCK YOU!

::BOOOOO!!!::

THA PUERTO RICAN:
For you see, as long as Zack "The Hack" Mali-P.U. is the World Heavyweight Champion, my hard work will never pay off! He will never give me MY fair share. MY piece of the pie! I will NEVER get the World Title shot that I rightfully deserve as long as that prestigious title is around that asshole's waist! And it's all thanks to Stephen Joseph that I realized that. Thank you, Stephen Joseph Popick. Thank You so much for making me realize that. Thank You for giving me that revelation. I owe you for that, big time. I will never forget that. I owe you one, my friend.

POPICK:
Hey, no problem, G.

P.R.:
So, rather than work, and work, and work. Wrestling every night in some hick town in front of unappreciating fans, not getting a title shot, while that Hack defends the title against his friends, and people who kiss his ass enough, two things that I am not and will NEVER do, I decided to take the easy way out. Call me lazy, I call it smart. Using Popick to get my DESERVING World Title shot, is probably the smartest thing I've ever done. I did what I had to do, and I will do ANYTHING, ANYTHING, no matter what the prize, no matter how badly I may get injured, no matter what the risk, no matter what I may have to give up. Even if I have to give up my own free will, I will, all so that I can become the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion. That title means more to me than life itself. I am willing to go through Hell and back, just to have that belt, just to become World Champion.

STEPHEN JOSEPH:
P.R., P.R., let me stop you for a second. That was a wonderful speech you just gave to these idiotic fans. P.R., I just like to thank you for joining up with me. Believe me, we are not going to be doing this on our own. No, sir. I will have many more people joining me in the upcoming weeks and months ahead. HeldDOWN~! will pay for putting IntenseZone out of business. And they will pay for screwing you, me, and the rest of the IntenseZone talent over. And HeldDown…has traitors in their midst, set up months before. These same fans who have mocked you, belittled you, and have spit on you, will pay for their misdeeds. We need to stick together. We have to stick together, because together, we will be unstoppable! We need to bond, need to work together, if we are going to make HeldDOWN~! pay. And of course, if you want to become World Champion. For you see, Puerto, you are The Corporate Champion. YOU are what the OAOAST World Champion should be. You are the total package. A mixture of talent, charisma, dignity, and intelligence. You are everything the current champion isn't. Trust me, P.R. If you continue following me. If you continue letting me guide you, you WILL become the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion! I guarantee it. But, only if you follow me. Because only I can make your dream of becoming OAOAST World Champion, a reality.

P.R.:
I'd do anything to become World Champion. Mr. Popick. You have yourself a deal.

POPICK:
Very good. I will guide you to the World Title! I am very pleased in you, The Corporate Champion. Now, as a token of my apperciation, I had this made JUST FOR YOU!

::Stephen Joseph opens up the suitcase he was carrying. The fans buzz in anticipation as to what's inside the suitcase. P.R. is also curious. Stephen Joseph pulls out a championship belt. The crowd is shocked.::

MC:
What the?

::The belt is shaped like the WWF Championship belt that was used from 1998-2002. It's a black leather belt with a gold plate in the center that has a globe in the middle, and an eagle on top of it. In blood red, the word CORPORATE appears across the center, and CHAMPION appears underneath in black and gold. P.R. is estatic with the belt. Stephen Joseph hands P.R. the belt as the crowd boos and chants "P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!"::

STEPHEN JOSEPH:
Every Champion needs a belt. I know this isn't the World Title belt, but this should hold you over until you become World Champ. After all, you are The Corporate Champion! Stephen Joseph Popick's Corporate Champion to be exact. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Tha Puerto Rican, I now present to you...The CORPORATE CHAMPION BELT!

::The crowd boos loudly, as Stephen Josephs hands P.R. the belt. P.R. is happy, and hugs Popick. Tha Puerto Rican laughs evilly and sneers at the crowd. Tha Puerto Rican raises the brand new Corporate Champion belt to boos. He heads to the turnbuckles and raises the belts while Popick applauds and laughs evilly. P.R. handshakes Popick, and then puts the belt over his left shoulder, and raises the People's Eyebrow.::

STEPHEN JOSEPH:
From this day forward, your name shall always be "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican! Remember that, Buffer! He will always, ALWAYS be announced as The Corporate Champion first.

MC:
Why, if this isn't ego-stroking at its worst. Stephen Joseph has just handed over "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican a vanity belt. The Corporate Champion belt! Why, if this isn't political games at its worst!

CABOOSE:
This belt just shows the world who is the Corporate Champion! It's not an actual OAOAST title. This will not be defended. This is like a trophy that P.R. can carry around to show off, like Kurt Angle's gold medals.

COACH:
There's no point for this belt. I like my Barbie Dolls, but you don't see me carrying them around everywhere I go.

CABOOSE:
I just saw you with two this morning.

COACH:
AAAHH!

MC:
This is a brand new side of Tha Puerto Rican.

CABOOSE:
That's "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican to you!

COACH:
Regardless, this new "Corporate" Puerto Rican is going to take some getting used to.

CABOOSE:
This is the best Puerto Rican yet. Stephen Joseph will take "The Corporate Champion" to the World Title!

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN:
So, Zack, and to each OAOAST superstar. Watch out for the lightning, because I will be gunning for the OAOAST World Title. And for anyone whose in my way, they will suffer a P.R.--

POPICK:
CORPORATE!

P.R.:
CORPORATE NIGHTMARE! Fuck me? FUCK YOU!

POPICK:
And that's the truth, Ruth!

P.R. and POPICK:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

::"Know Your Role '99" begins playing again. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican raises the Corporate Champion belt to boos. Some fans throw garbage into the ring. Stephen Joseph holds the ropes open for P.R. to leave. P.R. and Joseph shake hands and walk to the ramp side-by-side. P.R. jaws with some fans, but continues walking, with the Corporate Champion belt over his left shoulder. He sneers at the crowd.::

MICHAEL COLE:
What a shocking revelation we have just heard tonight. Stephen Joseph announced to the world, that he has handpicked Tha Puerto Rican to be the next OAOAST World Champion, dubbing him his "Corporate Champion" and handing him the Corprate Champion belt.

COACH:
I am actually a little worried about this alliance. It's bad enough we got the Thrillogy running all over the place. But now we have to contend with Stephen Joseph and "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican?

CABOOSE:
AND whoever else will be apart of Joseph's group. Remember, SJ has vowed to add more wrestlers into his stable, but Tha Puerto Rican will be the centerpiece as the Corporate Champion.

(Cut back to Sofa Central with Triple C.)

MC:
I'm not really surprised that P.R. was chosen. His ego is right up there with Popick in terms of inflated ego. Can you imagine the impact these two evil masterminds will have together?

COACH:
As long as P.R. and Popick are on the same team, we're in trouble.

CABOOSE:
These two men are great on their own. I can't wait to see what these two have planned.

COACH:
Heh, I just thought of something. P.R. and Popick are a team. Maybe they should call themselves P & P, or Pee-Pee! HA!

CABOOSE:
Coach, stop it now.


Before Tha Puerto Rican and Stephen Joseph Popick exit through the curtain, they are stopped by OAOAST Director of Authority Abe Vigoda and "Cowboy" Bill Watts appearing on the AngleTron! P.R. and Popick are shocked.

MC:
Abe Vigoda, and Cowboy Bill Watts? What are they doing here?

ABE VIGODA:
Gentlemen, if you will, arrest these two men!

Police officers appear in front of Vigoda and Watts. P.R. and Popick question each other as to what is going on. The crowd is also buzzing.

BILL WATTS:
These two men are responsible for the attack that happened to me and Mr. Vigoda last week on HeldDOWN~!.

MC:
I knew it!

CABOOSE:
Shut up, Michael Cole. You don't know anything, you moron!

COACH:
P.R. and Stephen Joseph are the ones who attacked Bill Watts and Abe Vigoda? I am shocked...well not so much.

ABE VIGODA:
Bill Watts and myself are not OAOAST wrestlers, and therefore, any attack on us is a crime, it is assault and battery. So, you two are going to be arrested, for assault and battery!

The crowd pops.

MC:
YES!

CABOOSE:
NO! THIS IS NOT RIGHT! THESE TWO HAVE BEEN FRAMED!

COACH:
It looks like "The Corporate Champion" is going to sent to the pokey with a bunch of blue collar criminals!

CABOOSE:
THIS IS AN OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE! THIS IS NOT RIGHT! P.R. DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! POPICK DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! THEY'VE BEEN SET UP! THEY WERE SET UP BY VIGODA AND WATTS!

ABE VIGODA:
I WANT THESE TWO TO BE PUT IN JAIL FOR A DAMN LONG TIME!

The crowd cheers loudly. Tha Puerto Rican and SJ panic, but then calm down. The police officers go to arrest Popick, but P.R. stops them.

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN:
Officers. Officers. Please. Please do not arrest Stephen Joseph. He didn't do anything wrong. I am the one who attacked Abe Vigoda and Bill Watts. I DID IT BY MYSELF! Popick is innocent. I did it. I did it...and I'M PROUD OF IT! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! I would do it again if I had the chance. In fact...I'm going to do it again right now!

Tha Puerto Rican charges towards Abe Vigoda and Bill Watts who he thinks are around backstage, but the police pull him back. Tha Puerto Rican struggles to escape, but his hands are cuffed to his back. P.R. tries to break free, but is unsuccessful. The crowd cheers loudly and chants "P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!" P.R. curses at the crowd, and spits in their direction. Stephen Joseph has a concerned look on his face.

COACH:
Tha Puerto Rican is actually being arrested! The Corporate Champion is going to jail!

MC:
Finally, P.R. gets what's coming to him!

CABOOSE:
I hate you two, so damn much. What you are seeing is an obvious obstruction of justice. These are crooked cops! They are arrested an innocent man. He doesn't deserve this!

ABE VIGODA:
Give him your worst, officers. That'll teach you to attack us, you punk!

THA PUERTO RICAN:
FUCK YOU, OLD MAN!

The crowd starts singing "Na, Na, Na, Na (Hey, Hey, Hey Goodbye)" as P.R. is carried off by 10 police officers. Stephen Joseph stands in the entranceway watching all of this. He has a worried look on his face.

COLE:
What a shocker. A few minutes after Stephen Joseph announces that Tha Puerto Rican is his handpicked "Corporate Champion", Tha Puerto Rican is arrested for attacking Abe Vigoda and Bill Watts last week on HeldDOWN~!.

COACH:
This will defintley put a monkey wrench into Popick's plans to make P.R. the World Heavyweight Champion!

CABOOSE:
Popick will come through. Believe me, he will come through! He's done so before, he'll do it again! He'll get P.R. out! I know he will! He will, and Tha Puerto Rican will return, and he will win the World Heavyweight Champion! And can we please tell these fans to stop singing that damn song! I HATE THAT SONG!

The crowd continues singing "The Goodbye Song" as the camera cuts to the parking lot, where a police car is waiting. P.R. sneers at the crowd, still trying to escape. Stephen Joseph follows.

THA PUERTO RICAN:
Get your hands off me, you pigs!!!

COLE:
This definitely didn't fit into Stephen Joseph's plans for tonight. More HeldDOWN~! after this!

(Commercial Break)


(Return From Break)

The camera cuts to the parking lot. The Lightning Crew has gathered by the police car. They are all worried, Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is crying. Stephen Joseph, Abe Vigoda, and Bill Watts are also outside. Tha Puerto Rican is forced into the police car. The Lightning Crew all say goodbye to P.R. P.R. sneers at them.

(place a bit after first segment)
COLE:
Back on HeldDOWN~!, and Tha Puerto Rican is now being escorted into that cop car.

COACH:
The Lightning Crew are now outside, and are seeing this live.

CABOOSE:
They shouldn't be seeing this in the first place. This sucks!

CUBAN WALL:
Later, boss.

MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ:
I'll miss you baby. I love you. Don't ever forget that. I love you alot.

THOMAS RODRIGUEZ:
Maybe, you won't get a long sentence. Maybe a day or two.

VITAMIN X:
See ya, P.R. Don't drop your soap.

MR. BORICUA:
NOOOOOOO!!! DON'T. GO. I'LL. MISS. YOU.

SPANISH FLY:
We'll miss you. You'll get out of jail, though. Don't worry.

P.R.:
Oh yeah, Spanish Fly, you're fired from The Lightning Crew.

SPANISH FLY:
I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOU DIE!

Spanish Fly runs away, crying.

COACH:
Well, ANOTHER Lightning Crew member, gone! That's 3 in 3 months!

STEPHEN JOSEPH:
P.R., dude, buddy, I'll get you out. You gotta trust me. You won't be in jail for long. I WILL get you out. I guarantee it! You will be free, and you WILL be Champion. You just gotta trust me. I will get you your title shot. Your title shot WILL come. It will happen! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you will get it eventually! Let me handle it. Let me handle your affairs. I will take be in control of The Lightning Crew while you're gone. But you won't be gone for long. Trust me on that. I WILL get you out! My "Corporate Champion" will NOT be rotting away in some jail cell for a long time!

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN:
You do that, Stephen Joseph. You get me out. You get me MY title shot. You take care of The Lightning Crew. You do all of that. I trust you. Let me say it to all right now. I WILL BE BACK! And when I get back, the OAOAST better be prepared. Because they will see a re-energized Puerto Rican. They will see a motivated Puerto Rican. And they will see a Corporate Champion Puerto Rican. A Puerto Rican, who WILL become OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion. I will return. And when I do, you better watch out for the lightning strikes, because the OAOAST is due in for a Corporate Nightmare. And that's the truth, Ruth!

P.R. hands Popick the Corporate Champion belt.

MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ:
Bye, P.R.!

The police car starts. P.R. flips the middle finger to the camera, and the police car drives off. The Lightning Crew are depressed. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is crying. Stephen Joseph Popick looks at the Corporate Champion belt, and becomes angry. But then cracks a smile, before frowning again.

POPICK:
Okay, guys. Let's go. I'm in charge now! Remember that! Let's move!

Stephen Joseph and The Lightning Crew leave. The camera focuses on the parking lot.

(Back to Sofa Central with Michael Cole, Jonathon Coachman, and Caboose)

COLE:
Tha Puerto Rican is going to jail, and now because of this, Stephen Joseph is in charge of The Lightning Crew! What a shocking turn of events tonight!

COACH:
Tell me about it. First, Stephen Joseph announces that P.R. is his handpicked "Corporate Champion". Then, Tha Puerto Rican comes out, with a brand new look. Then he is handed the Corporate Champion belt. Then he is arrested and thrown to jail for who knows how long?

CABOOSE:
I seriously can't believe none of this. This is all a dream. No wait, if this was a dream, then you two wouldn't be in it. But damnit! It's not fair! P.R. shouldn't be locked up. I can't imagine how will we run HeldDOWN~! without P.R.?

COLE:
I imagined the same. Just with one less egomaniac on the show.

CABOOSE:
Hey! The good news is, you will have to deal with MORE Popick, since he is going to be getting P.R. his title shot! He promised he would. I'm sure by the time P.R. returns, he will recieve his DESERVED title shot! He will become World Champion by the time he returns! I can feel it! Fo' sho!

COACH:
Well, it looks like P.R. will be gone for most of the summer, so look forward to a summer WITHOUT Tha Puerto Rican on HeldDOWN~!.

COLE:
Hey, I'm excited already! No more P.R.!

COACH:
Yea!

Coach and Cole high-five each other.

CABOOSE:
You two disgust me.

COLE:
Not as much as you disgust us.

CABOOSE:
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

[Chanel #99]

COLE:
NOTHING! LET'S CONTINUE THE SHOW! Ladies and Gentleman here is the footage we have promised you. Exclusive footage of the Damaramu and Ryan Smith Death Match. Because it is so horrible and was unsanctioned we can only show you the end. The censors would have our hides if we showed the entire match. So here’s what Ryan Smith was describing about the end. Here is what he wanted to get across.

*We are shown footage of something that looks like a smoky bar in Mexico. The ring is very old looking and the ropes have been replaced by barb wire. Damaramu and Ryan Smith both bloody and covered in barb wire cuts and both are bleeding profusely from the face. Smith goes running at Dama and goes for the swinging sleeper drop! Dama hits the mat hard as Smith goes for the cover! Suddenly Skull Mask and Skull Kid dive into the ring and break it up. Mask grabs the referee over his head and tosses him into the front row! Kid begins to lay the boots to Ryan Smith as he tries to fight back. But Skull Mask is upon him laying down a vicious thrashing from behind. Mask picks up the dazed Smith and drops him throat first across the barb wire! Smith begins to writhe in pain as luckily nothing vital was cut! Skull Mask pulls the injured Smith to the middle of the ring as Skull Kid has just cut one rope down! Kid balls the barb wire up as Mask lifts him high over his head and drops him on hit with a powerbomb! Smith is now in serious pain as he lays on the barb wire! Damaramu suddenly has a microphone as he leans over to speak to the fallen Smith!*

DAMA(in spanish)
Listen here Smith.....I’m going back to OAOAST and I’d better not see your ass there. You beat me at Anglemania but you won’t ever beat me again. Your ass is going to lay up in a Tijuana hospital now.....and I’d better never see your ugly face in OAOAST again or I’ll finish you completely!

*The fans boo as Dama begins to lay some vicious shots into Smith’s cut head with the microphone. Dama lifts Smith off the mat and then DDT’s him straight down into the barb wire! Smith lays face first in the barb wire. Out cold and bleeding everywhere! EMT’s rush the ring as Damaramu and the Cult exit the ring laughing.*

COLE
That was sick. That match looked like a war and Damaramu tried to bleed Smith to death! Just sickening!

COACH
I couldn’t stand to watch what we did see.....will Dama follow through with his promise?

*Suddenly Abe Vigoda walks out onto stage!*

COLE
Hey it’s Abe!

ABE
So I suppose you all saw what just happened? Well I’m just as angry as everyone else! And I’m tired of these two fighting! And these two yahoo’s from The Cult? Terrible! Well I’m going to handle all of this! Ryan Smith has come to me and requested a specific match! So at the Pay Per View it’ll be........The Cult of Damaramu! All 3 members! And they’ll be facing Ryan Smith in a gauntlet match!

*The fans go wild!*

COLE
The Cult vs. Ryan Smith in a Gauntlet match!? Unbelievable!

(Go to break)


(Return from break)

HeldDOWN~! returns with a lovely view of the backstage area, and in particular the hallway outside of The Thrillogy dressing room. The crowd is heard booing in the background as the cameras catch none other than OAOAST World Champion and Thrillogy founder Zack Malibu coming to the dresssing room, along with his girlfriend, OAOAST Diva Candie. Malibu starts to turn the handle to enter the room, when Candie taps him on the shoulder. He turns back to her to see what she wants, and all she does is point. Malibu's expression becomes one of disgust, as the camera cuts to show Northstar, leaning against the wall with his arms folded, standing in the hall nearby.

MALIBU
What do you want.

NORTHSTAR
Me? Oh nothing, Zack. Just wanted to see what you were up to.

MALIBU
You need to start coming up with better excuses, Northstar.

NORTHSTAR
Excuses? Honey, please, I don't need an excuse to kick your ass.

MALIBU
Don't call me honey.

NORTHSTAR
Find then, darling.

MALIBU
You know something...

Malibu drops his bag, and moves towards Northstar in anger. Candie attempts to hold Zack back, but he asks her to back off.

MALIBU
I'm the one who doesn't need an excuse anymore. You thought you were a big man, coming back trying to be a savior, when all you are is a coward who had to hide behind a mask last week to try to put one over on me.

NORTHSTAR
Try? Last time I checked, I DID put one over on you?

MALIBU
Is that so?

NORTHSTAR
That's so. And poor you, you didn't even get the symbolism of it all. You know, it was so grand, so appropriate, that you have Phoenix face you, because it was later in the match, you know, when I debuted as Phoenix #2, that everything took hold. You know the story of the Phoenix rising from the ashes? Well, that's what I did. I came back, better than ever. I'm like the ghost that's going to haunt you until your dying days.

MALIBU
Not if I can help it.

NORTHSTAR
Maybe you can, maybe you can't. But that remains to be seen. I just came by to tell you that we've got a match tonight.

MALIBU
Come again?

NORTHSTAR
Pervert.

Malibu goes to hit Northstar, but Candie holds his arm, telling him "not here".

CANDIE
What do you mean he's got a match. No one told him that...

NORTHSTAR
Not HE, babydoll. You do too.

CANDIE
WHAT?

NORTHSTAR
That's right. See, apparently the OAOAST Board of Directors is impressed with my attempts to make amends, and you are NOT the most beloved person these days. So, as a reward of sorts, we're having a little tag match tonight. You and Candie against myself and another old friend of yours.

MALIBUEnough with this old friend crap. Who is it? Some Guy? Anglesault?

NORTHSTAR
No and negative.

MALIBU
Then who?

NORTHSTAR
Well, I guess you'll just have to wait until match time to find out. Main event slot, end of the show, be in the ring so we can do our thing. Until then, toodles!

Northstar walks off, whistling a tune, while Malibu and Candie just look at each other, not to happy that they're being thrown into the ring tonight, as we fade out.

[Chanel #99]

(Earlier this week)

(We open on the familiar office of The Boss with Rick standing in front of the desk. J. Arthur sits on a corner of the desk looking through some papers and the Boss, as usual, sits with the back of his chair facing Rick.)

THE BOSS
Tell me something Rick, why hasn’t Ms. Blackstone backed off yet?

RICK
I offered her the money and I told her it was a lost cause. She just doesn’t listen.

THE BOSS
Did you intimidate her?

RICK
I don’t hit women.

THE BOSS
I don’t mean physically. I mean mentally. Did you get inside her head? I watched the tape on OAOAST TV and you could have done more. Don’t tell me you have a soft spot for her?

RICK
*Mumbles to himself “Stupid OAOAST Cameras”* I don’t give a damn about her. To me she seemed shaken up enough to crack. I guess I was wrong.

THE BOSS
I hired you because I thought you had the edge to do such work. I figured it would be therapeutic to boss some people around. Speaking of therapeutic how are your counseling sessions going?

RICK
*Sighs* I hate that idiot and if he makes me breathe like a damn pregnant woman again I’ll kill him!

THE BOSS
If it means keeping your job in the OAOAST just go through it. I don’t think it will affect our plans any.

RICK
You’ve gotta be kidding me! Pull some strings and get me out of this crap!

THE BOSS
Why? You don’t just pull strings for any old thing or eventually those strings will break. Deal with this yourself. Eddy Kalm is of no issue to us. Your mystery opponent for the PPV is an issue though.

RICK
Don’t sweat it. I can handle this.

THE BOSS
Have you figured out who it is?

RICK
Um…no, but I will. Abe said he was a former champion in the OAOAST. I just have to look through all the champions and…I guess that won’t help will it?

THE BOSS
I’ve tried getting any information I can, but it’s being kept pretty secret around the OAOAST.

RICK
I’m not worried. I can beat anyone they put in front of me.

THE BOSS
Well seeing as you’ve found some new confidence maybe you can try again with Ms. Blackstone. I want you to focus on her until she breaks!

RICK
Do I have to go see that psycho girl again?

THE BOSS
Just do it! Now go back home and get ready for this week’s show. I hear you have a match.

RICK
Yes boss.

*Rick gets up to leave and J. Arthur joins him.*

J. ARTHUR
I’ll come with you this time. The two of us should be able to break her.

*As the two of them reach the lobby the stop and look across to see Leah Blackstone walking in the door.*

RICK
What the hell??

LEAH
You! You’re the one I’m here to see!

RICK
What are you doing here?? Did you come to give me another card? *Laughs*

LEAH
I came to give you this. *Hands him a little book*

RICK
What the hell is this? Is this your diary or something? *Opens it up and mockingly begins to read in a girly voice.* I met the most handsomest man today. Oh he made me all weak in the legs and I was in looooove. I saw him on TV and said Mommy Mommy that’s the man I’m gonna marry!

LEAH
You really should read it. It’s…

RICK
*Reads it* All I see here is a bunch of names. Hey some of these are OAOAST guys. What are you stalking all of them too??

LEAH
No it’s a list of…

RICK
You know what? Just shut up and get out of here! If I see you again I’m getting a restraining order!

*Rick tosses the book across the room and it lands somewhere behind a large plant.*

LEAH
Fine! You live in your little bizarro world where you think no one cares about you. People do care about you, but you just don’t see it. They are clouding your vision! *She points upstairs.* They are lying to you and that’s what I’m trying to tell you!

RICK
How would you know!? You’re a pathetic little stalker! These people are the only ones who care about me now!

LEAH
You’re hopeless.

J. ARTHUR
You know what; I’ve stayed out of this little lovers quarrel for too long. Ms. Blackstone if you don’t leave right now I’ll have you arrested.

LEAH
Fine I’ll leave. Rick…I would ask yourself if you can really trust him. *Points at JAE* I’m sure he knows what is in that book.

*Leah leaves*

RICK
You know what!? I don’t need to ask him because I trust him! Come on J. let’s go.

(Rick and JAE leave as the camera pans over to the area where Rick threw the book and we fade out.)

(Back to the arena)

COLE
Ladies and Gentlemen, I've just been informed that someone wishes to come down to the ring and-

Cue: KC & The Sunshine Band

"Do A Little Dance!"

Jivin' JR appears at the top of the walkway, rolling his fat hips like a big groovin' hippo.

"Make A Little Love!"

JR rubs his man boobs in the direction of a pretty girl as he walks down to the ring.

"Get Down Tonight!"

JR spins on the spot, taking off his cowboy hat and twirling it in the air.

As the song continues, JR prances into the ring and grabs a mic, ignoring the BOOS and LAUGHS from the crowd.

JR
(singing)
Do a little dance, bah gawd! Make a little love! Get down tonight! Bah gawd get down tonight! Oh yeah!

Thankfully, the music cuts, and JR faces up to the hostile crowd.

JR
Now I'm sorry to cut that short. I know all you fans would rather see Jivin' JR do his stuff then some match between HeldDown losers. But my time is money, just like this promo, bah gawd! So listen up, I'm going to make this short and simple, like a retarded dwarf, or something.

CABOOSE
Hey Mikey, he's talking about you!

COLE
I'm not a dwarf...

JR
Last week, that BAH GAWD HOSS (JR drools a little) JINGUS had the audacity to challenge my boys, the OAOAST World Tag Team champions, Black T, to a title match. Not only that, he CHEATED to beat Dan Black to get that shot.

COLE
Dan Black ran away from JINGUS and lost by countout! JR is full of crap!

COACH
But he can boogie!

JR
Now, Black T are too busy playing the champions game to be here talking to the likes of you. The message is simple. JINGUS, you got your shot. Black T does not back down from a challenge. You bring your partner to the Great Angle Bash, and Black T will beat you down like the dogs you are.

Cue: Verdi's "Reqium"

COLE
Here we go! Business is going to pick up!

CABOOSE
You're scared by that music, arent you?

With a FOOSH of flames, JINGUS comes walking down the aisle, 7 foot and 380lbs of DevilHoss. His burnt red trunks glimmer under the arena lights as he steps into the ring. But JR shows no fear~!
Ross struts over to JINGUS, and goes into a dance routine! JR stops, and motions for JINGUS to join in. The Devilman looks at JR, and shoves him onto his ass. JINGUS takes the mic, speaking in his burning, rasping growl.

JINGUS
Unlike Black T and their joke of a manager, I'm not going to talk for hours on end. Let me just introduce my partner for the tag title match. JR, your boys are in trouble.

Cue: Britney Spears, Hit Me Baby One More Time

CABOOSE
Sweet, his partner's Britney!

JR looks happy at the entrance music, and starts to dance. He stops when he sees what's coming down to the ring.

6'8, 360lbs. Shaven headed, with a selection of painful looking piercings at various points on his bulging body. Cold grey eyes, black trunks, a slight sneer on his face. The big man calmly enters the ring next to JINGUS and the two monsters tower over JR.

COACH
Who the hell is that?

CABOOSE
Another Hoss. JR must be in heaven here.

The newcomer turns to JINGUS...and the Devilman gives him a stinging SLAP around the face! The newbie grins scarily and nods in approval. JINGUS gives him another slap, and he grins again!

The two then begin to advance on JR, who looks to be crying.

Suddenly, Dan Black and T.Bod are behind the two big men, attacking with chair shots to the back! Dan manages to force JINGUS out of the ring, but the other man absorbs Tony's chairshot within moving and a flicker of pleasure rolls across his face.

COLE
This new guy just took a chair shot and LIKED IT! What kinda freak is this?

COACH
He must be some kind of sadist!

Dan also attacks the new guy with a chair shot to the leg! This time the blow has some effect, and he falls to one knee, but is now smiling happily!

CABOOSE
Damn, he really is a sadist. He's loving that pain Black T are bringing!

T. Bod raises his chair for a full on shot to the head of, well, The Sadist, but JINGUS rolls back into the ring with a barbed wire bat (from under the ring, perhaps), sending Black T scattering to the outside along with their manager.

JINGUS picks up the Sadist, who limps on the leg Dan smashed with the chair, but is still smiling sickly.

COLE
What the hell has JINGUS found as his partner? This guy is nuts!

COACH
Black T are in big trouble! If JINGUS isn't scary enough, now they have to beat a guy who enjoys being hurt!

CABOOSE
Meh, Black T will have a plan. They always have a plan.

The camera focuses on JR's pale, worried face and the retreating Black T

[Chanel #99]

COLE
Folks, we've got word that Gunner Sharps is in the back, we've got a camera on him--

*cut to the back*

We see a shot of Gunner, storming down a hallway in the back with a scowl on his face and FIRE~ in his eyes.

COACH
There he is!

COLE
Folks, Gunner was unable to attend HeldDOWN last week due to personal issues, but he appears to be back tonight with a vengeance!

CABOOSE
Awwww, poor Gunner is sad because big bad Hoffie chaired his best buddie...how sweet.

COLE
You are a sick human being, Caboose.

CABOOSE
That's me, baby.

Gunner turns a corner, barging into a door clearly marked "Thrillogy."

COLE
What the?

CABOOSE
Hey, he can't go in there!

The cameras follow Gunner as he SHOVES the door almost off its hinges, bursting in the room to find...Candie.

COACH
Candie! Nice!

COLE
COACH!

COACH
What? I love dem tittays~!

Sitting on a folding chair, Candie jumps back, startled, shrinking back slightly against the wall.

GUNNER
WHERE ARE THEY?!

The fans go BANANA as Gunner looks posessed.

CANDIE
I don't know!

GUNNER
BULL*bleep*!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!

The fans explode as Gunner CURSES! Gunner advances into the locker room...

GUNNER
I'll ask you one more time, WHERE ARE THEY!!!!!~!~!??~!?

CANDIE
I don't kno--aieee!

Gunner storms across the room and grabs Candie, throwing her into a locker! Candie shrinks down, holding her head as she crouches down. The fans quiet down a bit.

COLE
Whoa, Gunner...

COACH
He didn't have to do that! What was he thinking?

COLE
Well, Gunner's ticked off, but that doesn't make it okay to hit a woman, no. But Gunner--

CABOOSE
BUT NOTHING! That, THAT, Cole, is reprehensible.

COLE
I agree, Caboose, but after what the Thrillogy has put Gunner and his friends through, I just don't know.

CABOOSE
Oh, bollocks.

Gunner looks down at Candie and the rage seems to subside a bit.

GUNNER
Yeah, well, I'll find them myself.

Gunner turns to leave, but gets rushed by Hoff and slams into a locker!

COLE
It's the Thrillogy!

Gunner gets off the locker and rushes Hoff, but gets met by Calvin instead! Hoff joins Cal in beating on Gunner as Zack checks on Candie...but Gunner fights both men off!

COACH
Gunner's holding his own!

Zack gets up and joins the melee...before a team of security rushes in, pulling all four men apart. Gunner is escorted away, screaming obscenities at the Thrillogy.

CABOOSE
Well, lucky for Gunner those crack commando guards showed up, huh?

COLE
I don't know! Gunner was like a man posessed!

CABOOSE
Oh, what-everrrr, Cole. Even Baboo here could see Gunner was in trouble. Isn't that right, Coach?

Coach?

Caboose turns to see Coach...gone. Caboose picks up a note...

CABOOSE
"Went to get nachos...Coach." Jesus.

Cole chuckles.

COLE
Back with more HD in three~!

*go to break*

DRINK FRESCA

Paid for by the American Fresca Authority (AFA).

*return from break*

We cut to a shot of Coach stuffing his face.

COLE
So Coach, how's the nachos?

COACH
Mrff gnhrf mmymm grmhm frff!!

CABOOSE
Trremendous. Yoink!

*Caboose steals a chip*

COACH
Hhmy!

COLE
Well--

Michael Cole is cut off by the opening riff of Local H's "Bound For the Floor" as the fans murmur in confusion.

COLE
You know, I'm starting to hate entrance music.

The fans continue to look around in confusion, until a man with long, brown hair steps out onto the ramp.

COACH
Who's this guy?

CABOOSE
...I'm not sure with his street clothes on, but it looks like...

COLE
...Chris Stevens?

COACH
The jobber guy?

COLE
Coach, hush!

Recognition sweeps over some of the fans as Stevens heads to the ring with a serious look on his face.

COLE
Fans, this isn't scheduled for the program.

COACH
Yeah, but it's an interesting development for sure!

CABOOSE
"For shizzle," even.

COACH
YEAH~!

CABOOSE
God, I hate you.

Stevens climbs into the ring, walks over to the timekeeper and grabs a microphone.

COLE
Looks like the man has something to say!

CABOOSE
Gee Einstein, he's in khaki pants and a button-down, I don't think he's here for a match.

COACH
Hey, remember the Mean Street Posse?

CABOOSE
*shaking his head*
Lord.

Stevens looks over the crowd, who are mostly still pretty confused.

STEVENS
So. I bet you're all wondering why I'm out here.

CABOOSE
No, they're wondering who you are.

COLE
Now come on, Caboose, that's not nice.

STEVENS
Well, let's start with the basics. I am Chris Stevens, OAOAST Superstar.

COACH
Superstar? That's kind of a stretch.

COLE
Stevens is one of our OAOAST talents, for sure, but he's usually involved in a preliminary role...

The fans look around, puzzled.

STEVENS
Yeah...not quite, huh?

Stevens shakes his head and chuckles before continuing.

STEVENS
See, when I came into this company, it was as an "enhancement talent." But it was also with the understanding that there would be opportunities for advancement. And yet, week in, week out, I find myself working before the cameras even come on.

CABOOSE
Uh-oh...this could make us look bad.

COLE
Since when do you care about the company?

CABOOSE
Silence.

STEVENS
Last week, I thought things might be different. Word was that Zack was going to fight "some jobber" for the World Title. I figured, "hey, I'm some jobber...could be me!"

A few fans at ringside laugh at the jest.

CABOOSE
Har. What a kidder.

STEVENS
But, as it turns out, Northstar worked out a little scheme, and shockingly, Chris Stevens wasn't in the plans.

COLE
Stevens referring to Zack's match with Phoenix last week, where Northstar--

CABOOSE
CHEATED.

COLE
Right, whatever, Booze.

STEVENS
So, maybe that was the final straw...I dunno. But I'm tired of waiting for my break to come, so I'm out here tonight to get some airtime. Now, I'm not here to talk myself up, but I've held titles in different promotions around the globe. I've even worked with some of the current OAOAST stars, and let me tell you, I can run with any one of them. So, consider this fair warning, because next week, I start running.

Stevens drops the mic and leaves the ring to a mild applause. Most of the fans are simply soaking this in.

COLE
What a cryptic promo from Chris Stevens.

COACH
It looks like he feels his jobbing days are over!

CABOOSE
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

COLE
Fan’s we will be back in a jiffy!

(Go to break)


(Return from break)

(Backstage we see Rick Edwards sorting through a desk, looking for something.)

EDDY
Looking for something?

*Rick jumps suddenly at Eddy’s voice*

RICK
Dammit Eddy don’t sneak up on me like that!

EDDY
What were you looking for?

RICK
I was looking in Abe’s old desk to see if he left anything that would tell me who I’m facing at the PPV.

EDDY
The desk is completely empty. Why would there be anything in this particular desk when he never even came to the arena?

RICK
Oh…yeah…good point.

*Eddy looks at Rick for a second and then out of nowhere bursts into a breathing exercise, which startles Rick again.*

EDDY
Ha…gotta keep you on your toes. Now do it with me this time.

*Rick does the breathing exercise while rolling his eyes.*

EDDY
How do you feel?

RICK
Stupid.

EDDY
Well then why are you doing it?

RICK
Because you said to…and I don’t feel like getting in trouble for being uncooperative.

EDDY
Get in trouble from whom?

RICK
Oh yeah.

EDDY
You are no longer required to see me, but I recommend that you do.

RICK
Well if I don’t have to be here then I’m leaving.

EDDY
Wait Rick; don’t you want to get some things off your chest? You’re not paying for these sessions so you might as well get all you can out of it. Today is your day to vent and I’m all ears.

*Rick stops at the door and turns around.*

EDDY
I know something is bothering you so you might as well use this time to vent, especially after earlier this week. That girl paid you a visit again didn’t she?

RICK
*Mumbles to himself, “Damn OAOAST cameras.”* Fine, but after this I’m not coming to these sessions again!

*Rick sits down*

EDDY
Now tell me what bothers you the most these days.

RICK
Like I said last week, I just got tired of giving my all and getting nothing back.

EDDY
Yes I remember that, but it seems like you would have gotten over that once you won the X Title and got this new job. Things seem to be going your way now.

RICK
I guess they are, but…

EDDY
But what?

RICK
I…something is missing.

EDDY
Okay that’s a good start. What do you think is missing? Is it the fans?

RICK
No it’s not the fans.

EDDY
Is it friends?

RICK
No…I don’t think so.

EDDY
Well let me put it this way to you. Who do you blame most for your anger right now? Who do you blame for there being something missing?

RICK
I blame…Father.

EDDY
Now we’re getting somewhere. Father is gone so why does it still bother you?

RICK
Because I never got my shot at him! I went down with an injury and Judas got to take him down! Where is Judas now? He’s at home sulking over how he’s just some clone and he’s not real or some crap like that! He didn’t show up when I was in the hospital either.

EDDY
I don’t understand. I could have sworn some of the guys said they came to see you.

RICK
They probably lied to make themselves sound good, to make it sound like they cared. I didn’t see anyone!

EDDY
So you would like to get your hands on Father, but he’s gone. Eventually do you think you will be able to accept that he’s gone and let that be enough?

RICK
To do that I have to separate myself as far from The Blurricane as possible so I can become my own man. He came up with the Blurricane gimmick for all the clones and now it’s time to determine who I am. Now you know why it pisses me off when people tell me I was better as the Blurricane! I don’t care what people think I should be. As long as I am the exact opposite of what the Blurricane was I can be far away from what Father wanted me to be.

EDDY
You don’t have to alienate yourself from everyone to do that.

RICK
Anyone who can’t accept me for who I am is not someone I want to be around. Now are we done?

EDDY
Yes we are.

*Rick gets up to leave and finds an OAOAST Official waiting at the door.*

RICK
What do you want? Shouldn’t you be getting me coffee?

OFFICIAL
I’m here to deliver your next clue about your mystery opponent.

RICK
Why can’t you just tell me who it is now?

OFFICIAL
We cannot tell you because you’ve already signed the contract stating that your opponent will remain a mystery until the PPV.

RICK
Fine! What is the clue?

OFFICIAL
This person debuted in February of 2003 here in the OAOAST.

RICK
A lot of new wrestlers debuted then! How am I supposed to figure out which one it is!?

OFFICIAL
I don’t know sir.

*The Official leaves as Rick gets pissed off and punches the wall*

[Chanel #99]

We cut to Locker Room A, where Crystal and AJ Flaire are sitting at their lockers, looking nervous, as Sly Sommers is on his cell phone with someone. He hangs up, and both Crystal and AJ get up and draw towards him.

CRYSTAL
So, what'd they say?

SLY
Well, according to the Board of Directors, Gunner's now suspended without pay until July 1st for hitting Zack's rat, which means that we now only have three members for our War Games team. The thing is, we don't even get to pick our replacement. Since they're placing all of the blame on Gunner, they're punishing our team as a whole by choosing our replacement for us.

CRYSTAL
What time's he coming by then?

SLY
Actually, he isn't coming by tonight. He's coming by next week.

CRYSTAL
DAMN IT! What the hell? They can't do this to our team!

AJ
Our team?!?! They can't do this to my friend!

SLY
Well, they can and they have. I know, it's total b.s., but we have the talent...

AJ
Don't give me any of that rah-rah crap...hell, I don't even know if I can trust you, let alone buy into the flowery seasoning you're trying to pour over our crappy situation to make everyone happy...how do we know you aren't still with them?

CRYSTAL
We just do!

SLY
(gets up out of chair to go face-to-face with AJ) You know what? Maybe I am with them...but then again, I'll say to you, crossing my heart, that I'm not. You don't know if you can trust me, and I know that scares you. You need to turn that fear into anger...anger towards the Thrillogy. Those jackasses were the ones who injured your friend Axel and sent him to who-knows-where! Those morons were the same guys who drove your buddy Gunner to the deep end and got him suspended just now. We're all on the same team here...whether you choose to believe or not.

AJ
You wanna play games? Play games with yourself! (AJ storms out of the room)

CRYSTAL
Hey, don't worry about him. He'll be back; he blows up all the time. We have a tag match to worry about. We have to go out there and get revenge on Hoff and Calvin from last week. After we're done with these two, then we can worry about our inner-team problems.

Both leave the room.

(CUT TO BREAK)

*********************

MC
Well, as you just saw there, our Board of Directors have suspended Gunner Sharps for striking Candie backstage earlier in our show, which means that Crystal, Sly Sommers, and AJ Flaire are down a man as they head into war on June 27th.

COACH
Here's my question: we have two three-man teams for War Games...who's the fourth man for either side?

CABOOSE
The Thrillogy ain't dumb enough to let all of their cards show just yet! Their fourth man isn't gettin' revealed until the very last possible minute!

MC
The "Fourth Man Mystery" is one that will surround this feud as we head into the Great Angle Bash. But right now, we have an explosive tag team encounter to go to as we head to the ring!

("Set It Off" starts up, as we see Sly Sommers and Crystal come out together and the crowd cheers loudly...)

BUFFER
The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall, and has a thirty minute time limit. Introducing first, weighing in tonight a combined weight of 323 pounds...the team of Sly "The Sly" Sommers and "The Female Phenom" CRYSTAAAAAAAL!

MC
Hey, here's some team unity...Crystal and Sly are coming out together and they're both alternated their ring gear a little, wearing red and black in unity!

CABOOSE
Big deal...it just means that Sly's one of those gay guys who likes dressing like his female friends.

COACH
You wanna get us kicked off the air, homophobe? Stop talkin'.

("I'm the Bomb" by Electric Six then starts up, as Calvin Szechstein and Hoff come out, both sporting new royal-blue versions of their usual tights, with "Thrillogy" written in small, white letters right underneath the waistband on the front of their tights.)

BUFFER
Their opponents....at a combined weight of 472 pounds...they are the team of Calvin Szechstein and the 24/7 Champion Hoff....the THRIIIIIIILOGY!

CABOOSE
How about THIS show of unity, eh?

COACH
I think that's just them wanting to flaunt their wealth by buying new ring gear just for one match.

MC
Let's not fight over ring gear, and instead discuss about how this tag match is a combination of two singles matches from last week, as Hoff retained his 24/7 Title in a match against Sly that got a bit bloody, and Calvin defeated Crystal under dubious circumstances.

CABOOSE
Whatever...Zack was just there for moral support.

COACH
What's impressive about this contest is the amount of title lineage here, as we have two former 24/7 Champions, the current 24/7 Champion, a former X Champion, and a former World Champion!

MC
That is impressive.

::DING:: ::DING::

Sly and Crystal are still strategizing, with Sly in the ring and Crystal on the apron. Calvin comes up from behind and brings him over with an early schoolboy....

1....
2....
Kickout.

Both men get right back up, and Crystal slingshots herself over the top rope to give Calvin a flying headscissors. Hoff then runs into the ring. Crystal runs at him and throws a dropkick, but he swats it away. Crystal gets back up and goes for a bodypress, but Hoff catches her and drops her with a devastating backbreaker! As Hoff shoves Crystal off of his knee at the end of the attempt, Sly runs at Hoff. He jumps on Hoff's knee, as if going for the Shining Wizard. But instead, Sly nails a Shining Rana!

COACH
How's that for innovation?

Sly comes back up and Calvin charges at him. Sly blocks whatever Calvin was going for and nails a sitdown hiptoss. Sly and Crystal then pull Hoff up and whip him to the ropes. Both then lift Hoff, and get him up and down for a double flapjack! Hoff rolls to the apron as Sly kicks the rising Cal in the stomach. Crystal then hooks Cal's head in Ace Crusher form. Sly grabs Crystal's foot and flips her over to nail a partner-assisted Sliced Bread #2!

MC
Unskinny bop bop!

COACH
We seriously need to stop stealing indy feds' gimmicks...

Calvin rolls to the outside, where he meets up with Hoff. Sly then goes to their side while in the ring and launches himself over the top rope and onto Calvin with a pescado! Crystal then goes up top, and dives onto Hoff! But, Hoff catches her. Hoff then tosses her back into the ring. Hoff slides into the ring, and Crystal dives into wheelbarrow position as he gets to his feet. She pushes off of the mat and goes for a bulldog. But, he grabs her before she goes down and sends her down hard with a side suplex into a sitdown uranage slam!

CABOOSE
She just went SPLAT!

Hoff then pulls her off of the mat, having her locked in a front facelock, and drags her to the Thrillogy corner, where Calvin had come to a few seconds earlier and was still shaking off the cobwebs. Hoff tags in Cal. Hoff then lifts Crystal's arm so that Cal can kick her well in the mid-section. Calvin then sends her off to the ropes and connects with a jumping back elbow as she comes back. Calvin then kips up, backs up into the ropes, and nails a jumping kneedrop.

COACH
Wasn't that a bit cocky?

CABOOSE
If you were Calvin Szechstein, wouldn't you be cocky?

Calvin then pulls Crystal up and locks in a headlock. He cranks on that for about ten seconds before then dropping her on her face with a side drop toe hold. Calvin then slides into position and locks in a front facelock. Crystal is somehow able to break Calvin's grip of her neck and reverse to a go-behind into a grounded waistlock. Calvin gets to his knees, breaks Crystal's grip around his waist, and pulls her onto her back on the mat. He then dives down and locks in a headlock.

CABOOSE
That's how a man does things!

MC
He tries to squeeze the life out of a woman like a man?

CABOOSE
Shut up!

Crystal can't squeeze her head out of the headlock, so she wraps her arms around Cal's left arm and her legs around Cal's right arm to bring him over with a crucifix pin................1..................2...............kickout! Both pop back up, and Calvin immediately locks in a front facelock yet again. Calvin converts that into a snapmare about six seconds later, and follows up with a rear chinlock. He then pulls her up with a headlock and brings her over with a headlock takedown. Calvin pulls her back up, and drops her with another headlock takeover. Calvin again pulls her up with the headlock, and puts her back down with the headlock takeover.

COACH
It may be repetitive, but Calvin's being smart and trying to wear down the smaller, quicker opponent and slow her down.

Crystal tries the crucifix reversal from before to get out of the move, but Cal rolls all the way back onto his feet with Crystal latched onto him, and nails a perfectly done Finley roll. Calvin goes for the pin........1...............2.........kickout. Calvin pulls her up with a front facelock before she gets a chance to get back up, and drags her to the Thrillogy corner, where he tags in Hoff. Calvin drives Crystal down on his knee gut-first. Hoff then comes into the ring and delivers a legdrop to the back of her head.

CABOOSE
Very smart double-team work here...they're splitting the ring in half and using their five second breaks to their advantage.

Hoff pulls Crystal up, and whips her to the ropes. Hoff then nearly beheads Crystal with a stiff lariat, causing her to flip onto her stomach from the impact! Hoff then locks in a front facelock, and starts delivering repeated stiff knee strikes to the top of her skull. Hoff then gets bored with that and pulls Crystal up. He butterflies her arms and brings her over with a double-underhook suplex. He then rolls that into a butterfly lock.

MC
The one positive thing I will say about Hoff is that since he's joined up with Zack and Calvin, he has learned how to use his brute power to his advantage for even the most basic holds and manuevers to make them more painful and devastating.

Hoff accidentally threw the suplex too far, as Crystal is easily able to get to the ropes to break the butterfly lock. Hoff pulls Crystal away from the ropes while still having her arms butterfly-hooked, and nails a butterfly gutbuster in the center of the ring. Hoff then locks her in a cobra clutch, drags her to the Thrillogy corner, and tags in Calvin. Calvin then connects with three thrust kicks to Crystal's ribs before Hoff has to let go and go to the apron.

CABOOSE
Once again, smart tag team wrestling with the quick tags.

Calvin then lifts Crystal for a side suplex, and drops her on his knee with a snap gutbuster. Calvin grabs her in that position and nails a Stroke. Calvin then pulls Crystal up, twists around with an armwringer, and whips her to a far corner. Calvin charges at her, and connects with a flying double-knee to her chest. Calvin then nails a reverse Walters Backbreaker on her (he grabs Crystal by the back of her neck with both hands as he faces her, jumps up, falls on his back with his knees sticking up, and drives her chest-first into his knees). Calvin then lifts Crystal up and slams her back down to the mat. Calvin goes to the second rope and connects with a vicious double stomp!

COACH
That'll knock the wind out of her, if the rest of this offense doesn't!

Calvin turns her onto her stomach and lifts her to her feet with a double chicken wing. Calvin then lifts her up with the double chicken wing, ala Jazz. He turns his head and spits at Sly, causing Sly to try and enter the ring. The referee's distracted as Calvin walks over to his corner and lets Hoff get in some stiff forearm shots to Crystal's stomach. Calvin backs up as he sees the referee turning around. He then charges into the corner, crushing Crystal's ribs and back in the process. Calvin then tags in Hoff, and both Thrillogy members stomp the heck out of Crystal in the corner.

MC
Is this necessary?

CABOOSE
Hell yes.

Hoff pulls her up, grabs onto her, and performs a huge release Northern Lights suplex! Hoff then goes over to her and locks in an inverted horizontal bow-and-arrow lock, stretching out her mid-section. After Hoff is finished punishing her that way, he lifts her into a slam position, gets to both feet, and performs a fallaway slam so hard that she ends up flipping back onto her face! Hoff then stands above her, pulls her head up, and starts delivering stiff crossface shots to the side of her face and jaw!

COACH
Those could kill anyone!

After Hoff finishes with those brutal shots, he pulls Crystal up, lifts her in a side suplex position, and drops her with a version of the Blue Thunder Driver, flipping her onto her face instead of using it as a sit-down powerbomb! Hoff then goes for the cover..........1............2..........kickout. Hoff then gets up and mocks Sly , which causes Sly to again come out of the corner and the referee to have to block him from entering. Cal then comes into the ring and lies down on his stomach with his knees sticking up. Hoff hooks Crystal's legs underneath his armpits and slingshots her stomach-first onto Calvin's knees!

CABOOSE
What a devastating move!

MC
If Sly can't keep his temper down, he could cost his team the victory!

Calvin slaps his hands together to signify a fake tag, as Hoff sneaks out of the ring and the referee turns around. Cal then hooks Crystal's arm and neck, and locks in an STO choke. Crystal starts kicking the mat with her right foot to try and get the crowd to clap in unison to get behind her. They loudly start clapping and screaming, and she uses that energy to start to move her way upward. She slowly gets up to her feet, as Calvin comes up as well and tries what he can to keep the choke locked in. Crystal startes elbowing Calvin in the stomach to escape. She gets out of the choke, but Calvin grabs her by the hair at the last split-second and pulls her into a Flatliner.

COACH
Wasn't that a bit on the underhanded side?

CABOOSE
A hand is a hand...whether it be over or under.

Calvin then locks in a full nelson camel clutch with Crystal's feet pointing to the Thrillogy's corner. As the referee checks to see if Crystal will submit, Hoff reaches into the ring and lifts up on Crystal's feet to add pressure to the move. The referee sees something out of the corner of his eye, and Hoff quickly lets go of Crystal. As the referee questions Hoff, Calvin pulls on Crystal's hair for added leverage. After Hoff smooths things over with the referee, Calvin lets go of Crystal's hair and the referee goes back to his position. Hoff goes back to lifting on Crystal's legs. The referee again sees something out of the corner of his eye, but Hoff doesn't notice the referee getting up. The referee then catches Hoff in the act and orders for the hold to be broken.

CABOOSE
WHAT?

MC
Finally, justice is served!

Calvin pulls Crystal up, lifts her, and nails a front-face suplex. Calvin then connects with a Franchise Neck Snap (Hennig Neck Snap from the opposite direction) and bridges to turn it into a submission. Crystal reaches out frantically and screams in pain, but won't tap. Calvin tires of this easily, so he rolls backwards, keeping her in a front facelock, and drives her down face-first. Calvin then pulls her up with her neck locked in a cravate. Calvin drives her face into his knee twice, and then brings her over with a cravate suplex.

COACH
It's obvious by now that, by working over her throat and mid-section, that they're trying to gas her out so she gets tired and simply passes out.

Calvin goes for the cover...........1...............2..............kickout! Calvin gets up and waits for Crystal to get to her feet. He ends up giving her too much time, as when he charges at her when she gets up, she sends him down with a drop toe hold. Both competitors come back up, and Crystal ducks a clothesline from Calvin to bring him over with a schoolgirl...

1......
2.....
Kickout.

Both come back up, and Crystal connects with an impressive dropsault. Both go down, and Crystal's so worn down that she ends up staying down as well. Both competitors end up crawling to their partners as the referee counts them down. As he gets to six, Calvin tags in Hoff, who runs into the ring and drops an elbow on Crystal to keep her from tagging out.

CABOOSE
Another smart tactic from the Thrillogy!

Hoff pulls Crystal up, and clubbers her with repeated Vader-style side hammer forearms to her head, sending her down to a kneeling position. A knee strike to the face ends up sending her down on her back. Hoff then shows off his impressive power by picking her up by her legs in a powerbomb position, and flapjacking her onto her face! Hoff then rolls through, keeps Crystal in a piledriver position as he gets to his feet, and drops her with a DDP-style front flapjack. Hoff then pulls her up with a gutwrench, lifts her, and drops her with a gutwrench gutbuster.

MC
More concentration on pounding the energy out of the Female Phenom!

Hoff then lifts Crystal in torture rack position, and drops her into yet another gutbuster! Hoff holds onto her arm, pulls her up by it, and connects with a short-arm big boot! Hoff then tags out to Cal. Cal connects with an Eddie Guerrero-style slingshot senton into the ring and onto Crystal. Calvin then pulls her further away from the ropes and locks in an inverted abdominal stretch on the ground. However, he doesn't pull her far enough away, as she quickly scoots into a rope break. Crystal pulls herself up with the ropes, and dazily wanders into a fisherman's gutbuster by Calvin.

CABOOSE
They will not rest until this woman is passed out on the ground...much like Michael Cole's dating strategy.

Calvin waits for Crystal to get up. When she does, he comes off of the ropes and sends her down with a shoulderblock. He then nails a jumping legdrop, rolls backwards onto his feet, comes off of the ropes, and nails a running cannonball senton! Calvin then lifts Crystal up and hangs her in a reverse tree of woe in a neutral corner. Cal hooks Crystal's head and drops her with an inverted Ace Crusher out of that position. He follows up by rolling backwards and locking in the Dragon Clutch!

MC
I think she might tap!

However, Crystal has different ideas. She slowly works her way out of the reverse arch position that Cal has her in, and starts fighting her way out of his clutches. When she finally escapes the hold, she scores with a go-behind into a reverse DDT. Both slowly make it to their feet, and Calvin grabs Crystal's foot to trip her up and cause her from tagging out. He drags her to the Thrillogy corner and tags out using his foot. Hoff then comes into the ring and delivers a legdrop to the back of her head. Hoff then lifts her up into a gorilla press position and drops her throat-first onto the top rope!

CABOOSE
What a showing of strength there!

Crystal bounces off of the ropes into a stiff clothesline to her back, sending her down throat-first onto the middle rope. Hoff then wraps his leg around the middle rope with her in between, and starts choking. He lets go right before the referee's five count ends. Hoff then kicks her in the back of the head to send her to the outside. Hoff distracts the referee as Calvin drops to the outside and whips Crystal, hard into the guardrail. Calvin then lifts Crystal up and drops her throat-first on the top of the guardrail.

COACH
Yay for illegal tactics...ugh.

Calvin then tosses her back into the ring, and Hoff immediately goes for the cover...

1.......
2........

The referee sees that Crystal's foot is on the bottom rope and orders a rope break. Hoff then tags Calvin back in. Hoff holds Crystal up in a full nelson as Calvin nails a dropkick to her face. Hoff goes to the corner as Calvin pulls Crystal up with her head hooked, and drops her with a reverse suplex. He holds on, turns her over, pulls her up, and nails another. He does the same thing, and nails the third reverse suplex in the chain. Calvin pulls Crystal up and his the Double Shot (face-to-knee into floatover neckbreaker). He then goes for the cover...

1...
2...
Kickout!

Calvin then starts stomping away at her, leading into a low dropkick to the head when she tries to get up. Cal pulls her up, comes off of the ropes, and nearly kicks her face off with a Yakuza kick! Calvin goes for the pin...

1....
2....
Kickout!

Calvin then pulls Crystal up and nails a Russian legsweep. He holds on, rolls backwards, and nails a Russian legsweep that sends Crystal back-first into a neutral corner. Calvin then goes to the second rope, hooks her by the neck, and nails a flipping neckbreaker! Calvin goes for the pin...

1...
2...
Rope break!

Calvin pulls Crystal up, and drops her with an STO onto his knee; then pulls her up and drops her with a regular STO. Calvin then drags her over to her corner, mockingly holding out her hand for a tag to Sly, but pulling back as soon as Sly gets within reaching distance. Calvin locks Crystal in a cobra clutch and works her down to the ground. Her eyes get glassy, and eventually shut. The referee starts the hand-raise check...

1....
2.....

But, she keeps her hand up on the third raise! The crowd starts to chant her name and clap to get her energy flowing. She starts feeling it, and works her way upward, as Calvin is looking at her in disbelief. She eventually gets onto one knee, pops up, and escapes the move with a jumping jawbreaker! Both are down, and they start slowly crawling to their corners to get to their partners...

COACH
Come on, Crystal! You can do it!

CABOOSE
Shut up! No, she can't!

They both struggle to their corners, and Calvin wins the chase, as he tags in Hoff first. Hoff comes in to try and stop her, but she rolls forward right before he gets to her, and tags out! Sly immediately springboards to the top rope and sends Hoff down with a flying clothesline! Both men come up, and Sly nails a flying headscissors takeover that sends Hoff face-first into a neutral middle turnbuckle! Sly then jumps to the second rope, and does a leaping turn-around to bring Hoff over with a sunset flip...

1....
2....
Kickout!

Both men come back up, and Sly nails Hoff with a flying clothesline. Hoff almost goes down, but Sly makes sure he goes all of the way down with a spinning wheel kick. Sly then goes to the second rope as Hoff stumbles to his feet. Hoff turns around and Sly nails a leaping tornado DDT. Sly goes for the pin...

1....
2....
Kickout!

Sly kicks Hoff in the stomach as soon as he gets up, and sets up for the piledriver. However, Hoff isn't out of it enough and ends up going for a backdrop. Sly reverses that into a sunset flip...

1...
2....
Kickout!

As Hoff kicks out, Sly rolls back onto his feet and charges forward to connect with a knee to the face! Sly sits Hoff up and goes to the apron. Sly then connects with a slingshot Hennig Neck Snap! Sommers then drags Hoff to center ring and goes up top. Sly takes off and nails the top rope elbow drop! Sly goes for the pin...

1...
2...

Calvin comes in and breaks it up! Calvin then lifts Sly for a suplex, drops him face-first onto his knee, and goes for the Code Red Clash. But, before Calvin can grab Sly's legs, Sly sits down and drops Calvin on his face! Sly then pulls Calvin up and goes for the One Hit Wonder. But, Hoff strikes him from behind to break it up. Hoff then hooks Sly for the Rock Bottom, but Crystal springboards to the top rope and dropkicks him from behind. She goes for the Crystalizing on Hoff, but Calvin breaks that up with a stiff Yakuza kick.

MC
BRUTAL!

CABOOSE
Lay off of the caffeine!

Calvin then lifts Crystal for a suplex and drops her with a stunner (the Osaka Street Cutter). Calvin then goes up top, looking to be going for the 450 Splash. Out of nowhere, Sly runs up the ropes and armdrags Calvin to the mat. Sly holds onto Calvin's arm, pulls him up, and nails the One Hit Wonder! Sly goes for the cover...

1...
2....
Kickout!

Sly then pulls Calvin up with a front facelock, and goes for the Overnight Sensation. But, Hoff takes him down with a stiff clothesline before he hits it. Hoff then lifts Sly, and goes for the H-Bomb. Calvin has stumbled up by now, but Crystal dropkicks him from behind to send him into Hoff to mess up his move. Calvin then turns around, and Crystal lifts and drops him with Zack Malibu's P.O.P. Drop!

CABOOSE
That's thievery!

MC
I think she's sending a message to the Champ!

Crystal goes for the pin...

1...
2...
Hoff breaks it up!

Sly charges at Hoff, but gets dropped with the Angry Man Slam (front spinebuster)! Hoff roars as he pops back up, but gets attacked by Crystal. Crystal goes for the Irish whip, but Hoff's too big and strong to send running. He ends up pulling her to him and tossing her to the floor. Calvin gets to his feet, and him and Hoff both pull Sly up. They then lift him and drop him with a double-team side backbreaker. Hoff then lifts Sly for an over-the-shoulder powerslam position, and drops him throat-first onto the top rope!

COACH
What brute power!

Hoff pulls Sly up, and drops him with a big sitdown powerbomb! He looks to be going for the pin, but Calvin tells him to get off of Sly. Calvin then pulls up Sly and puts him up on his shoulders in fireman's carry position. He tells Hoff to join in, so he gets underneath Sly and holds him while facing the opposite way of Calvin. Both Thrillogy members then drop Sly with a double Death Valley Driver!

CABOOSE
That's it!

Calvin then goes up top and signals for the 450. But, out of nowhere, Crystal hops up from the floor to shake the top rope and crotch Cal. He falls to the apron. Hoff runs at Crystal, but runs into a shoulder charge to the stomach. She then connects with a legdrop guillotine on the middle rope. Hoff then stumbles backwards into a schoolboy by Sly...

1....
2....
Kickout!

Crystal springboards to the top rope as Hoff rolls onto his feet, but Hoff catches her flying hurricanrana attempt. But, Sly dropkicks Hoff, and he falls back into a pin attempt by Crystal...

1...
2...
Kickout!

Hoff gets up, and Sly tries to bring Hoff down by the arm for the Cravateface! But, Hoff's able to stay on his feet. Crystal then grabs his other arm, and both competitors take down Hoff and apply a double-team regular crossface submission! Calvin quickly gets off of the apron and dives at them to break it up. Calvin quickly pulls Sly up and nails a snap DDT. Calvin pulls Crystal up, and gets her in position for a Kryptonite Krunch. But, she wiggles her way out and ends up getting Calvin in piledriver position...and nails the CANADIAN DESTROYER (flip piledriver)!

MC
He's DEAD!

COACH
I wouldn't doubt it!

She goes for the pin...

1...
2...

Hoff breaks up the pin attempt! Hoff then goes for a powerbomb, but Sly nails an STO before he can lift her, and she rolls through as he falls back into a cradle...

1....
2....
Kickout!

Both Hoff and Crystal get up, and she goes to spear him. He side-steps, and she accidentally spears the ref! Hoff turns around and tosses Sly with a double choke lift into a powerbomb! Hoff then charges at Crystal, but she ducks and he goes flying over the top rope and to the floor. Calvin walks towards Crystal, and she scores with a double legsweep. She then grapevines his legs, turns him over, and locks in the Crystalizing! She sits down with it as he's tapping out!

CABOOSE
Stop tapping, Calvin!

MC
It's no use...the referee's out cold!

She cranks back on it, but out of nowhere, some fan slides into the ring and knocks Crystal out cold with a superkick. But, this isn't just any fan...it's Zack Malibu!

CABOOSE
Yay, the Champ is here!

COACH
This is bullcrap!

Zack drags Calvin onto Crystal, and Malibu hops out of the ring as the referee dazily crawls over....

1.....

2....

3!

BUFFER
Your winners of the contest...the Thrillogy, Calvin Szechstein and Hoff!

MC
Come on! What in the hell?

CABOOSE
It's a show of team unity, you dumbass!

Zack pulls Calvin out of the ring, and both him and Hoff help Calvin to the back. They walk up the ramp as Sly tends to Crystal. The Thrillogy members turn around at the top of the ramp to look back at Sly and Crystal and laugh.

MC
That makes me sick! Hopefully Zack will get his tonight as he and Candie go against Northstar and a mystery partner.

COACH
We’ll be back!

(Go to break)

[Chanel #99]

(Return from break)

EARLIER TODAY

The camera PANS around a jam-packed undisclosed nightclub from the club's balcony. It turns around to show a STRIPPER dancing. The camera slowly pans down her long, luscious legs, then pans back up, stopping at her boobs. The stripper seductively caresses his breast as she reaches behind her back to unbutton her lime-colored bra. A hand COVERS the camera lense.

SCOTTY STATIC (Off Screen)
Yo, yo, yo! Did somebody turn the lights off? Because I know the party ain't over.

Scotty removes the hand from the lense. Through GPX's handheld camera, we see a pair of classic 1989 Nike Air Jordan's. The camera pans up to reveal...JOHNNY "JAM" JACKSON.

JOHNNY
Dang, bro, you know the FCC is crankin' back on lewdless on the telly, we can't show that.

SCOTTY
I hear that. I'm just trying to have some fun, considering what's gone down.

Johnny pulls out a handful of cash from his pocket. The stripper's eyes light up at the sight of cash. JJ selects a bill and shows it to Scotty.

CLOSE-UP: $1

JOHNNY
(handing the dollar to the stripper)
Here ya go, sugar mama. Save a dance for us.

"$1 dollar? Fuck you!" says the Stripper. But due to the loud synthesizer music blasting GPX couldn't hear.

JOHNNY
What did she say?

SCOTTY
Something about you being hung like a horse.

JOHNNY
More like a cow's tonuge.

The guys laugh hard at that one. Scotty holds the camera back so we can see the two together.

SCOTTY
You know, guys and dolls, the last two weeks have been tough on us. After HeldDown we went to visit OAOAST head trainer Dr. Ima Hoe at OAOAST HQs in NYC. We got some good and bad newz that day. Good: We landed a walk-on role on Law & Order: SVU.

JOHNNY
Skool'd Ice-T is rappin' contests.

SCOTTY
That was killer. But we gotta mention meeting Mr. Slate, Dan Florek.

JOHNNY
That was sweet. That was sweet. Now we've met all the stars of the first Flintstones movie.

SCOTTY
And the bad -- Dr. Hoe diagnosed us with a severe case of Pissed Offenness. Side effects include: winning the OAOAST Tag Team Championship, kickin' The Saints' asses, and meeting Jerry Orbach.

JOHNNY
We're down with the Big O...and O.P.P. Yeah, you remember him?

SCOTTY
Yeah, our egos may be a lil' bruised because two new cats in heat decided to crash the Xchange. But this message goes out to The Saints. You like to jack us from behind? Well homies, we're down with getting down in the gutter. Snyth Esizer & "Cowabunga" Mann, you set the rules. And we'll be more than happy to play by them.

JOHNNY
Speaking of sending messages. Daddy-o's and mommy-a's, put your girls back inside, because da par-tay is about to get started.

SCOTTY
Black T, don't think for one minute we've stopped thinking of you. You're wearing something that'll belong to us in due time.

JOHNNY
GPX over and out.

(Go the arena)

*Tear Away by Drowning Pool begins and the fans rise to their feet to boo. As the music hits it’s “breaking point” Rick makes his way out with J. Arthur and the boos intensify.*

COLE
Here comes the current X-Division Champ and the fans are really letting him have it.

CABOOSE
They’re proving him right as they boo him.

COACH
All I know is I went to see him in the hospital, but I couldn’t find the room.

CABOOSE
Like he’d care about you anyway?

*Rick slides into the ring and rests in the corner as his music dies down. Buffer looks at him and just tosses the mic to him.*

MICHAEL BUFFER
You do the announcing. I’m not even messing with this when you’re around anymore.

RICK
Alrighty then. From Houston, Texas comes the greatest X Champ of all time…ME!!!!

*The fans boo and chant “you suck”*

*My Hero by The Foo Fighters begins and the fans cheer for the returning Leon Rodez. Leon makes his way onto the stage wearing a long robe and posing for the fans. The women cheer especially loud as he gives a girl in the third row a wink.*

RICK
Coming to the ring…from somewhere…weighing in at what looks to be about 400 pounds…lose some weight tubby…Leon…dammit Buffer I can’t read your handwriting on this card! Leon…Silky Legs?...Rodez!! *J. Arthur laughs in the background*

*Rodez has enough and slides into the ring before quickly nailing Rick with a right hand. Rick staggers back, shakes off the effects, tosses the mic in the air and then kicks Rodez in the gut when he goes for the mic.*

COLE
What a cheap trick!

COACH
Where!? I love Cheap Trick!

CABOOSE
Geez…how many times has that joke been used?

*Ding Ding Ding*

Rick whips Leon to the corner, but Leon runs up the turnbuckles and flies off with a Cross Body. He lands in a pinning predicament, but Rick kicks out quickly after a 1 count.

COLE
This one is off to an explosive start!

Rick shoves Leon off of him after the one count and pulls himself up by the ropes. As he reaches his feet he comes face to face with Rodez and slaps him. Rodez looks stunned before retaliating with a European Uppercut. Rick staggers back and answers with a loud chop. Rodez goes for a punch, but Rick ducks and wraps his arms around Rodez’ waist for a Northern Lights Suplex.

1



No!!!

Both men stand and are quickly becoming pissed at each other. They lock up and shove each other around the ring for a few moments while trying to get control. Finally Rick backs him up into a corner and whips him across, but Rodez reverses and Rick hits the corner back first. Rodez then runs in, hoists himself onto Rick’s shoulders, and brings him down with a Flying Head Scissors. Rick flies across the ring and comes up groggy. Rodez meets him with another hard European Uppercut that knocks him back against the ropes. He then whips Rick across the ring and nails a Flying Forearm before kipping up and bowing to the crowd.

*The fans erupt*

CABOOSE
What a show off!

COLE
I thought you liked show offs?

CABOOSE
Only ones that aren’t annoying as hell.

COACH
I think he’s great.

CABOOSE
You would.

Rick slowly pulls himself up with a confused look in his eyes. He then bails to the outside for a breather. Rick makes his way to the announce table and swipes a water bottle. He then drinks some and tosses the bottle aside.

COACH
Hey that’s mine!

CABOOSE
Oh stop your whining.

J. Arthur cheers him own, but he suddenly points to the ring and tells Rick to turn around. Rick turns around as he hears the crowd cheer and he sees Rodez fly off the top rope with a Quebrada to the outside! As he moonsaults through the air Rick catches him over his shoulder and then runs forward, slamming his back into the ring post! Rodez hits the mat in pain as Rick slides back into the ring to gloat.

COLE
I can’t believe he caught him!!

COACH
How bout that? Rick is showing off now!

CABOOSE
Yeah, but I like him.

COACH
You would.

Rick then returns to the outside to scoop up Rodez and slide him into the ring. Rick then climbs to the top rope and waits for him to stand. Rodez slowly makes it to his feet just to be taken back down by a Missile Dropkick. Rick makes the cover.

1





2



No!!!

Rick then picks him back up and goes for a Russian Leg Sweep, but Rodez starts to elbow him in the gut and breaks free. Rodez then Snap Mares him over and bounces off the ropes for a Low Dropkick to Rick’s back. Rick snaps back and lies on the mat in pain as Rodez tells the ladies that he’s alright.

COACH
I bet the ladies are happy now…I bet I could make them happier.

CABOOSE
By leaving?

Rick starts to push himself off the mat, but Rodez quickly performs an Oklahoma Roll.

1




2




No!!!

Both men stand up and Rodez goes to kick Rick in the gut, but Rick catches his foot and pulls him forward right into a hard Clothesline. Rick then waits for Rodez to stand and goes for the Doomsday Kick…but Rodez catches his leg and Rick falls to the mat. Rodez holds onto the leg and turns him over into a Half Boston Crab.

COLE
What a counter!!

Rodez sits down deep into the move as Rick struggles for the ropes. The pain is evident on Rick’s face as he desperately reaches for the ropes…and he gets to them. The ref calls for a break as Rodez lets go and stands. Rodez then waves Rick on as he begins to stand. Rick makes it to his knees when Rodez runs in and hits a Shining Wizard!!

COLE
OH MY GOD!!!

CABOOSE
Dammit for a second there I thought you were Joey Styles!

Rodez goes for a cover.

1






2






3


No!!!

COLE
Rick barely kicked out! We almost had a new X Champion!

Rodez then pulls Rick to his feet and sets him up for a Sitdown Sunset Bomb, but Rick manages to fight it and hit a Back Body Drop! As Rick gets him up and over he falls back to one knee as J. Arthur cheers him on from the outside. Rick slowly stands up and tries to regain his composure. As he rests Rodez stands up again, but this time J. Arthur trips him up and he falls to the mat!

COLE
Oh come on!!!

COACH
JAE is trippin’!!!

CABOOSE
Oh you didn’t just say that!

Rodez holds his face in pain before looking back at JAE and yelling. The ref tells JAE to back away from the ring. While the ref is distracted Rick hits a low blow from behind and then hits the Rough Break Neckbreaker on him!

COLE
Oh son of a bitch!!

The ref is still yelling at JAE, who hasn’t left ringside, but Rick yells for the ref to turn and then makes the cover.

1





2






3



No!!! Rodez kicks out!!

COLE
I can’t believe it!!!

CABOOSE
I can’t believe how slow this ref is!

Rick can’t believe it either and tells the ref about it. Rick then picks Rodez back up by the head and goes for the Superman’s Dead, but as he lifts him up Rodez drops behind him and hits a Diving Reverse DDT! The move took a lot out of an already fatigued Rodez and he is slow to move. Finally he drapes an arm over Rick for the cover.

1





2





3


No!!! Rick kicks out!!

Rodez then slowly pulls Rick to his feet by the head and goes for the Sitdown Sunset Bomb again. Rodez gets him up in the Styles Clash position, but Rick breaks a leg free and starts kicking Rodez in the face. Rick then slips out and stands up in front of Rodez where he grabs him, spins him around, hooks his head, and lifts him up for the Superman’s Dead! He pulls him up with the Inverted Vertical Suplex and yet again Rodez drops behind him! Rodez spins him around and hits a Swinging Neckbreaker. Both men lie on the mat for a second before Rodez rolls over and makes another cover.

1




2





3

No!!!

COLE
Leon Rodez refuses to quit!

CABOOSE
Kind of like Coach here.

COACH
Yeah I am quite tenacious.

CABOOSE
Terrible is more like it.

Rodez slowly stands and pulls Rick up by the hair, but Rick breaks free and nails Rodez with four right hands. He then whips Rodez to the ropes and blasts him in the face with a Back Elbow. Rodez goes down and Rick bounces off the ropes for a Flipping Legdrop. Instead of going for a cover Rick pulls him up again and goes for the Superman’s Dead. He gets him up and again Rodez lands behind him. Rodez then goes for a Backdrop Suplex, but Rick flips through and lands on his feet behind Rodez!

COLE
Will you look at that!

Rick grabs Rodez again for the Superman’s Dead. This time he hoists him up with the Inverted Vertical suplex and then…drops him with a Diamond Cutter on the way down to finish the move.

COLE
Dammit that’s it!

1






2







3!!!

*Ding Ding Ding*

CABOOSE
You have to admit that was a hard fought victory!

COLE
Yes it was. Rodez had it almost won a few times there.

*Rick has his hand raised as he slides out of the ring and high fives JAE before heading to the back with his X-Title in hand. He stops and comes back to ringside where he grabs a mic.*

RICK
I almost forgot. Here’s your winner and still X-Division Champ…ME!!!!!

*Rick then tosses the mic back to Buffer and leaves the ringside area and goes to the back. The fans boo loudly as Rick taunts them all the way.*

COLE
What a cocky bastard. I hope he's ready for whoever he's facing at the PPV!

COACH
Hey! Maybe Rick Edwards will be Northstar’s partner tonight!

COLE
Coach, that would make zero sense! Please think before you speak. Besides I can’t take seeing Rick anymore tonight. We’ll be back!

(Go to break)

[Chanel #99]

(Return from break)

We fade in focused on the ring, where some guy is standing in the ring holding a mic.

GUY
Welcome back to HeldDOWN~! I'm Jason Sanderson, and right now I've got the privilege of interviewing one of the fastest-rising stars here in the OAOAST. Fresh off of a victory over his ex-fiancee, Tina, allow me to introduce to you...CHRIS...BRYTE!

"It's Goin' Down" by Linkin Park feat. the X-ecutioners hits the PA system as a dim blue hue covers the arena. Smoke rolls out from the locker room, and a white strobe light flashes at the entrance.


Watch them flee

Watch them flee

Wa...Wa...Watch them flee
Hip-Hop hits

*scratch* *scratch*

And you do it like this!


The locker room curtain swings open and the crowd boos wildly as Chris Bryte steps out onto the stage. As always, he's wearing his trademark shades, and he's accompanied by the big man who interfered in his match against Tina last week. The two start down the ramp towards ringside, with Bryte taunting the fans along the way. Both men climb upon the ring apron, step into the ring (with Bryte going through the ropes and the big man stepping over the top) and approach Sanderson. The music dies down and the lights return to normal.

SANDERSON
Ok, Chris...as I mentioned, you're fresh off of a victory over Tina, but the victory was a controversial one. You won the match, Chris, but you won it with the help of this man (pointing to the big guy). He entered the ring after the ref had been KO'd, he hit Tina, split her head wide open...gave her a concussion as well, and you walked away with the win. Now we've seen this guy before, Chris. It was at the Year of Living Anglelously where this man came from the crowd and attacked Panther prior to your career match against him. At the time, you denied any association with him, but now, it's obvious that there's something going between the two of you. Chris Bryte, you've got some explaining to do, and why don't you start by letting us know just who this man is!

Sanderson holds the mic up to Bryte's face mouth as the big man looks on in the background. Chants of "WE WANT PANTHER *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP*" start up in the crowd, bringing a smirk to Bryte's face.

BRYTE
You wanna know who he is? (Sanderson nods) Well sit back and listen, because I'm about to enlighten you. (pointing at the big man) This man right here...you could call him a bodyguard, an insurance policy...whatever floats your boat! But make no mistake about it, he is my right hand! And he's not only my right hand, but he is, in fact...THE HAND~!

A thunder clap can be heard in the background as Bryte tosses his head back and begins to cackle sinisterly.

SANDERSON
So...(snickers) his name is The Hand?

BRYTE
That's right.

SANDERSON
The Hand?! THE HAND?! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bryte and the Hand look on as Sanderson starts laughing his ass off. The fans begin to laugh too, causing Bryte to become angry.

BRYTE
Stop that! Stop it NOW!

SANDERSON
(tries to gather himself) I'm sorry. Really...I am. It's just...(snickers)...THE HAND! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bryte looks annoyed as Sanderson breaks down again. The crowd starts up again and we cut over to Sofa Central, where even Triple C is laughing.

SANDERSON
(still laughing) Oh my goodness. Chris, no disrespect, but honest to God, that's gotta be the stupidest name I've ever--

*WHAM*

Suddenly, The Hand blasts Sanderson with a STIFF right hand to the temple, killing him on impact. The crowd lets loose as collective gasp as The Hand grabs the mic and turns to the crowd with a psychotic glare.

THE HAND
WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?!

RANDOM FANS
"Not me!" "I was just kidding!" "I think The Hand is a nice name!"

The Hand nods and hands the mic back to Bryte. Bryte has a smile on his face as he points down at Sanderson's dead body.

BRYTE
You see OAOAST...this is no laughing matter! This man is no joke! This man is a beast! This man possesses the deadliest hands on the planet! Forget Ronnie Garvin, this is the true Hand of Stone right here! He's broken bones with his bare hands. Hell...it wasn't too long ago that he used those very hands to leave Tina laid up in a hospital bed with a fractured skull. (crowd boos) Yeah, that's right...this was the man behind the attack on Tina a couple of months back, and just to make sure that there's no speculation...I WAS IN ON IT ALL ALONG!

::The crowd boos wildly in the background as Bryte stands in the ring with a smile on his face::

BRYTE
Oh c'mon, now! It wasn't THAT bad. Both Tina and all you idiots out there need to be happy that a fractured skull was all she ended up with, because as you can plainly see, he's capable of much worse! (laughs)

COLE
What a no good son of a bitch!

BRYTE
And let that be a lesson to everybody here in the OAOAST! There are no depths that I won't stoop to in order to get my way around here! There is nothing I won't do to come out on top! And...

Bryte stops midsentence and turns to towards the entrance. The camera focuses on the ramp, where a group of officials are trying to prevent an ANGRY Tina (with a mic in hand) from making her way down to the ring. The crowd pops in the background upon spotting Tina.

COLE
This isn't good, fans. She doesn't need to be out here! Not in the shape she's in.

We cut back to the ring, where Bryte looks on with a huge smile on his face.

BRYTE
Well look what we have here! (crowd pops) Tina, Tina, Tina! Don't you know when to leave well enough alone?! What...you haven't been humiliated enough by me?! Huh?

On the ramp, officials plead with Tina to return to the locker room, but she doesn't. She raises her mic to her lips, huffing and puffing furiously as she addresses Bryte.

TINA
Chris...you worthless piece of shit! (crowd pops in the background) Lemme tell ya...you may have won the match last week, but this thing between me and you isn't over! I promise you that it isn't over, and it won't be over until you're the one that's lying in a hospital bed, and you never show your face in the OAOAST again! (another crowd pop) I swear, Chris, you're gonna pay! I don't care what I have to do, I'm gonna make you pay!

The crowd pops once more as Tina tosses the mic down and again starts down to the ring, but is held back by officials. In the ring, Bryte yawns and rolls his eyes.

BRYTE
Tina...baby, I've heard this all before! Frankly, I'm sick and tired of hearing it! So ya know what...if you've got a problem, Tina, don't take it up with me...





...talk to THE HAND~!

And with that, The Hand walks towards the ropes, exits the ring and starts up the ramp towards Tina.

COLE
Oh no!

CABOOSE
Now remember Cole, she had no business coming out here!

COLE
This monster's going after Tina! Damn it, get her outta here! He'll kill her!

The officials leap into The Hand's path, but he cuts right through them, laying them out one by one before coming face to face with Tina. A look of fear comes across Tina's face as she locks eyes with the monster. The Hand then moves within striking range, but before he can attack, Tina leaps at him and staggers him with a forearm to the jaw! She follows up with a right hand. She rears back for a second right, but before she can follow through with the shot, The Hand reaches forward, grabs her by the head and locks on a clawhold. Tina screams in pain as he applies pressure.

COLE
Damn it! This man...The Hand has Tina in this clawhold! He's trying to squeeze the life outta Tina...my God, what's he doing now?!

::Tina swats at The Hand's arm, desperately trying to escape, but it's no use, and The Hand uses the clawhold to drag the helpless Tina down to ringside.. Once they reach the ringside area, The Hand releases the hold and rolls Tina into the ring. He starts to follow her in, but suddenly, a group of security guards rush out to ringside to stop him.::

COLE
Thank God for those guards! This monster...Tina's down and she's hurt in the ring. This...Hand was gonna try and do some more damage to Tina...

While The Hand is preoccupied with the officials on the floor, Tina pulls herself to a knee and tries to gather herself in the ring. A roar of boos comes up from the crowd as Bryte approaches Tina and uses the flat of his foot to shove her back down to the canvas. Bryte then begins to taunt her, hurling a number of insults at her before spitting right in her face!



Suddenly...


*WHAM*


...PANTHER hits the ring and FLOORS Bryte with a forearm shot to the back of the head. The crowd erupts as Panther tears into Bryte, pounding him with right hands and clubbing forearms to the back of the head. Quick quickly rolls out to the floor and runs to The Hand's side as chants of "PAN-THER, PAN-THER" echo throughout the arena.

COLE
Will you listen to this crowd?!

CABOOSE
What is he doing here?! He doesn't work here anymore, Cole!

COLE
Panther coming to the aid of Tina! He just tore into Chris Bryte, and now what!

Bryte and The Hand stare Panther down from the floor as the guards attempt to keep both men calm. The Hand tries to go after Panther, but Bryte holds him back, and, instead, tells the security guards to arrest him (Panther). "HE DOESN'T WORK HERE!", yells Bryte before heading back up the ramp and disappearing into the dressing room.

With Bryte gone, a few the guards hop upon the apron and order Panther out of the ring. Panther is about to oblige them, but just then, he glances over to his right and spots Tina, who's pulling herself back to her feet, and the crowd pops in the background as the two lock eyes for the first time since Living Anglelously. They eye one another for a good moment or two before Tina begins to approach Panther. When they go face to face, Panther drops his head and looks down at the mat, bringing a smile to Tina's face. She then places her right hand under Panther's chin and uses it to elevate his head, and with the two face to face once more, Tina puckers her lips, leans in and...



...Panther turns away, to everyone's bewilderment. Tina, somewhat surprised as well, just laughs it off and tries to go for another kiss, but again, Panther turns away. Tina's a bit flustered by Panther's reluctance, and tries to go for another kiss, this time wrapping her arms around him before leaning in. Panther squirms to free himself from her grip, and when that doesn't work...


*BOOM*


...Panther shoves Tina to the mat. The crowd is in shock.

COACH
What the hell is Panther doing?!

COLE
I...I dunno. Panther just came to Tina's aid, and now he's shoved her to the mat...not allowing her to kiss him...I don't get it?!

CABOOSE
I don't blame him. If I wouldn't let her kiss me either. Word on the street is that she's got herpes.

COLE
Oh stop!

Tina sits up on the canvas, looking up at Panther with a look of confusion on her face. Panther just sighs and mouths the words "I'm sorry" before sliding out to the floor, where the guards are waiting for him. Tina watches on as the guards escort Panther out of the building, and she lets loose a sad sigh as we fade to commercial.

(Go to break)

(Return from break)

GENE
"Mean" Gene backstage, awaiting the arrival of the self-proclaimed 'greatest rock 'n' wrestling band off all-time,' The Saints. We have word they should arrive any second now. I'm going to ask them about their match at The Great Angle Bash against GPX. W-wait. I see something.

A BUS pulls up at the arena parking lot. "Saints & Sinners" is airbrushed on the sides, this is the Saints' tour bus.

The bus stops and out come 10 beautiful women, followed by The Saints themselves. Logan & Synth fluff their hair with their left hand and slap the bottoms of the women with their right hand. Occassional HeldDown reporter "Mean" Gene walks up to the men.

GENE
Logan "Cowabunga" Mann & Synth Esizer, what's your reaction to J-Lo & Latin sensation Marc Anthony getting married?

Logan becomes restless, Synth does his best to calm him down.

SYNTH
See whatcha done, Gramps? You're in the presence of the greatest rock 'n' wrestling band of all-time, and you're asking us about that man-eater's next failed conquest? Don'tcha know a former President of the United States died? Or what about finding out how NBC screwed up the American version of 'Coupling'? Mann & me just finished putting on a private concert for our lady friends -- some call 'em groupies, but we don't like to label people, Gene -- in the tour bus?

GENE
Appropriately called "Saints & Sinners."

LOGAN
Nice Gene, I couldn't help watching the entertainment shows and seeing Marc Anthony decline to comment about his next failed marriage. Stuff like that pisses me off. For better or for worse -- which, oddly, perfectly describes their current "marriage" -- you're a public figure, so answer the goddamn question, jerk-off! You suck! Your music sucks! Your tastes in women suck! For God's sake, you look like a reject from 'The Swan.' The producers saw your face and said, "Ugh. Ugly would be insulted if mentioned in the same breath as you." Oh, did I mention your music sucks? Yeah? Well, it still sucks!

J-Lo. Oh, how could I forget you. You're ruining the sanctity of marriage, and The Saints don't even care about that because we're happy bangin' natural born females, and tieing the knot would deball us. If it wasn't for your ass, men would give two shits about you. Hell, I don't even give half-a-shit about you. Much like your new, deformed hubby -- you suck! Your music sucks! Your movies really suck! Your tastes in men suck! Ben over Matt? Get the fuck outta here! Matt's so cute, and the fucker can act. Shiiit!

You should of stayed with P. Diddy, ho. Outside of the fact he gives his people a bad name, and likes to have 4 year-olds make his clothes -- you two at least liked each other. You let all the brothers down, P. The saying "once you've gone black, you never go back" has lost all its meaning thanks to you. Synth has been working his as-- dick off trying to rebuild its rep.

Onto more important matters. I assume you're gonna ask us about our match at the P-P-V, eh?

WHACK!

A boombox is broken over Logan's head. Synth is speared into the bus. It's GPX! Scotty slingshots Logan into the side of the bus. Mann, who's busted open from the boombox shot, staggers around before getting nailed with a double team DDT. Payback for what happened to GPX two weeks ago. Johnny pounds Synth's head into the bus a couple of more times before driving him headfirst into Mann's groin.

GPX mug for the cameras. They notice the fine lookin' ladies standing nearby and blow them a kiss, causing the ladies to giggle. Not only did GPX do a number of The Saints, they'll be doing their own private concert with the ladies, as they leave together.

CABOOSE
Great. Another GPX ambush. Where's the outrage?

COLE
Payback is payback.

CABOOSE
Why do the announces justify the actions of the "good guys"? If it's the other way around, it's a travasty. Why can't you be fair for once?

COLE
You do it as well.

CABOOSE
Yeah, well... screw you!

Giorgio Moroder's "Chase" hits.

COMING SOON

A legendary manager will present...

The rebirth of a legendary tag team...

3rd Time's The Charm...

The New NEW Midnight Express

COMING SOON

(Return from break)

[Chanel #99]

The arena goes pitch black, and the crowd doesn’t know whether to cheer or boo. Instead they buzz in anticipation as they wait to see what team will come out first for tonight’s main event.

The opening guitar chord for “Nothing” hits and instantly sends the crowd into a hateful frenzy. Gold pyro shoots up from the entrance stage, momentarily blocking the view of the Zack Malibu’s entrance video.

COACH
Hey, where's Mikey?

COACH
Man, who gives a shit.

COACH
Good point. Who do you think Northy's partner is?

CABOOSE
Knowing Northstar, it's probably Kirsten Dunst as a way to cross promote Spider Man 2.

COACH
Yeah, but it's supposed to be an old friend of Zack! Zack’s never met Kirsten Dunst.

CABOOSE
Oh. Maybe it's CWM. Maybe it's Alix. They teamed up for one night.

The OAOAST’s longest running couple, Zack Malibu and Candie step out from the back. The fans greet the world champion with the loudest boos of the night as he raises his belt high into the air, showing off his hard earned trophy. Decked out in matching powder blue tights, with the word “Thrillogy” sewed onto the waistband, Zack and Candie confidently walk to the ring.

COACH
How’s Candie going to be able to hold up after what she went through with Gunner tonight?

BUFFER
The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of thirty minutes, now making their way to the ring, from Los Angeles, California the team of the first lady of HeldDOWN, Candie and the OAOAST world champion......ZAAAAAACK MALIBUUUUU!

The announcement is of course greeted with jeers from the crowd. Submissive to Zack, Candie holds the ropes open for him, so that the world champion can have easy access to the ring. Zack raises his title one more time, as he and Candie share a prematch kiss. Camera flashes fill the air as people try to get a picture perfect example of Zack’s smug arrogance.

The arena is bathed in a soft blue glow and “Nothing” cuts out, causing a previously even tempered Zack to turn pretty damn angry. “Nothing” is replaced by “Happy Ending” by pop starlet Avril Lavigne!

Blue and Gold lights begin to travel around the arena at frenzied pace! Decked out in black lip stick and a blue and black outfit that only be described as a futuristic version of chaps, Northstar steps through the sliding the door that separates the locker room from the arena. The crowd gives the former GM a huge ovation. He’s followed by Michael Cole, who nearly gets sandwiched between the sliding doors. The crowd who was expecting a former OAOAST super star like CWM or Some Guy, doesn’t react to well to Michael’s arrival as Northstar’s partner. Northstar spots Zack leaning over the ropes and shouting obscenities at him, and blows him a disingenuous kiss.

COLE
Mikey???!

CABOOSE
Northstar teaming up with Michael Cole!!? Are they offering skating lessons in hell now? Northstar hates Zack so much that he has to ally himself with the man who week after week campaigned to have him removed from his general manager spot. God, I hope I never get that pathetic.

COACH
To late.

BUFFER
Now making their way to the ring, the team of Michael Cole and NOOOOOORTHSTAAAAR!

Northstar has to shout to make himself heard over sounds of the cheers coming from the stands, and the sounds of Avril Lavigne’s fantastic song coming from the sound system. He tries to give Mikey a few basic tips on how to handle Zack. But as a guy who’s already lost four times to Mr.Malibu in his one year of wrestling, he’s in no position to be giving advice.

CABOOSE
How could Northstar sell me out like this?

COACH
Sell you out?

CABOOSE
Damn right! I stood by him when Alix dumped him! I defended him when he made that movie deal! I took his side when Jenna Elfman kicked his ass to the curb! I spouted his company line without question. I did everything for that gender disordered bastard and this is my payment? He sells me out for that mouth breathing, Ken Doll you call a friend, Michael Cole! I’m insulted! Man, I’m hurt!

Northstar and Michael Cole get into the ring. Well, Northstar has to basically throw an incredibly nervous Michael into the ring. Northstar tries to climb to the top rope to do his trademark “blow a kiss” but Zack gets in his way and blocks his ascent. The two long time rivals have a heated verbal spat, followed by a brief shoving match. The ref steps between the two gladiators and orders the match to start, meaning two people have to leave the ring.

CABOOSE
Let the skinny bitch start the match!

COACH
I thought you liked Candie.

CABOOSE
I'm talking about Cole!

COACH
Boo-boo, that’s mean!

Mean or not, Zack agrees whole heartedly with Caboose. He snarls at Northstar, then shoves the former HeldDOWN GM to the ground, and uses his boot to push him out of the ring. With Northstar down, Zack has a free shot at Cole. The OAOAST’s number one announcer throws a punch with so little force behind it that it would have a hard time knocking down a three year old. Cole throws another weak punch and Zack counters by grabbing Michael’s wrist.

“You gotta do better then that.” Zack remarks cooly. He lets go of Michael’s wrist then grabs a hold of his generic “ OAOAST Great Angle Bash” t-shirt. Channeling the spirt of legendary hockey pugilist, John Kordic, Zack yanks Cole’s t-shirt over his head, exposing his white as milk skin and secret third nipple. A few fans have vomit like reactions when they see Cole’s happy trail. Cole’s vision is obstructed and it prevents him from mounting what would most likely be a futile comeback attempt. With Cole’s shirt halfway over his head, Zack begins to rain down punches to back of his head. The former CBS war correspondent desperately screams and hollers for his mommy as he wildly swats at the world champion, hoping to do a bit of damage to Zack and prevent further damage to himself.

COACH
Take it to him, Mikey! Float like a butterfly! Sting like a bee! Move those feet!

CABOOSE
Yeah, move this feet out of this ring, because you’re about to get knocked the fuck out!

We finally see the makings of an actual wrestling move as Zack has Cole in position for a vertical suplex! NO!!!! Coming from out of no where, Northstar DRILLS~! a hole through Zack’s gut with a big time MUTHAFUCKING SPEAR!!!!!!!! Michael Cole falls to the mat and quickly rolls out of the ring, still crying for his mommy.

CABOOSE
Can’t we have a tag team match where order is kept and the legal man is the one who stays in the ring?

A tiny bit groggy, Zack rises to his feet with an annoyed look on his face. He hammers Northstar with a stiff forearm to the face, then grabs a hold of his arm and propels him into the ring ropes! Northstar rebounds by smacking Zack across the face with a flying forearm!!! Northstar lands on his feet and poor Zack lands on his back! Northstar backs away from Zack, then shouts for him to stand up! Zack does just that and is met with a running enziguri, a move so powerful that it ends up flipping Zack over and onto his back! Northstar drapes his arm across Zack’s body, looking for a pin.

Kick out!

CABOOSE
Not even one! Zack’s not going down so early in the match!

Both men to their feet! They lock up and jockey for position for a few seconds. Northstar’s able to get Zack into a headlock, but his offensive advantage is short lived as Zack shoves him into the ropes nearest Candie! Northstar think’s he’s so smart because he’s hooked his arms around the top rope preventing him from rebounding to Zack. However as smart as Northstar is, Candie’s just a bit smarter, as she grabs the back of his thick black hair and SLAMS him back first to the mat!!!! That does not please the crowd one bit as they hurl obscenities and taunts at Candie and Zack. Northstar yelps in pain as he rubs his head.

CABOOSE
These people have no class! None at all. Was Candie supposed to let her man get beat up by this second rate Denis Rodman?

Zack wastes no time in going on the attack. He drags his arch rival to his feet. He shares a few choice (and unprintable) words with Northstar before whipping him into the corner! Instead of staying in the corner like a good little boy, Northstar staggers foward into Zack’s waiting arms! Zack boots his former side kick in the gut, doubling him over and leaving him gasping for air. He puts Northstar into a underhook position then drops him with a lovely face crusher! Zack mounts Northstar and begins to hammer his adorable face with closed right hands, all the while talking down to his former boss.

CABOOSE
Northstar and Cole need a team name, how about the Rainbow Warriors?

CROWD
Zack sucks! Zack sucks! Zack sucks!

Candie turns around and shakes an admonishing finger at the fans. No one is insulting her meal ticket! Zack stops his less then kind assault on Northstar’s heavily dolled up face when he notices that Michael Cole is standing on the ring apron with a shit eating grin on his face. Zack dismounts Northstar and heads over to MC, but not before booting Northstar in the ribs!

“What’s so funny? Why are you smiling?” Zack asks, his voice full of aggravated anger. When Cole doesn’t answer, Zack grabs him by the shirt, and asks the same question. One again his voice is full of rage and he’s barely able to stop himself from punching Mikey in the jaw. Referee Okari Tanaka, tries to separate Zack from a still smiling Cole. Offended that the ref would even think of doing his job, Zack pie faces him to the ground and sternly orders him to stay out of his way. Zack turns his attention back to Michael Cole, only to be sprayed in the face with YELLOW MIST~! by his former number one fan!!!

“AHHHHHHHHH!” A panic stricken Zack hollers as his vision is momentarily stripped of him by this mystery yellow liquid! Zack starts to frantically claw at his eyes, in a laughable attempt to rid himself of the mist.

COACH
That a boy, Mikey! THAT A BOY! The yellow mist is the most deadly off all the mists.

CABOOSE
Because it’s piss. Cole, just because you and Northstar are into watersports doesn’t mean you have to force your sick fetishes on the rest of us normal people!

The crowd bursts into laughter as they watch the world champion stumble around the ring, blindly reaching for something, anything to use to wipe the deadly mist (piss?) out of his eyes! Finally Zack does find something to wipe his eyes with. It’s kind of stringy, a little curly, pretty long, it has some kind of plastic pin in it, it feels pretty familiar to him, Zack even recognizes the scents as it smells like Herbal Essence shampoo and cherry scented hair spray......

SMAAAACK!

“Stupid!” Candie hollers at her boyfriend after smacking him in the face! He had been using her envy inducing hair to wipe off his eyes! How inconsiderate! Zack stumbles backwards and falls to the ground, still praying someone will give him something to wipe his eyes with

COACH
Yo! We’ll be back. Hopefully during the break someone can get this baby a towel.

(Go to break)


(Return from break)

We return to find a humiliated Zack, standing on the ring apron. His arms are draped over the ropes, his face is stained a shade of yellow and he looks like he’d rather be any where else but here. Candie of course has taken Zack’s place. Northstar, who was too busy talking to Kate Hudson on his cell phone to notice Zack’s embarrassing ordeal, is still in the ring.

COACH
Sup peeps! During the break Zack Malibu grabbed da MIC~! and threatened to take the title and go home and never come back unless he was given a towel for his eyes.

Candie and Northstar go for a lock up. Candie raises her arms first, leaving her lower body exposed. Northstar takes advantage of this, and instead of going for a lockup he ducks behind Candie and gets her into a rear waist lock!

CROWD
Candie has herpes! Candie has herpes! Candie has herpes!

Northstar lifts Candie up for a german suplex, BUT much to his chagrin she avoids a near disastrous move by rolling through into a pin attempt!

1

KICK OUT!

Both competitors get to their feet, and shoot each other menacing glares. Well, as menacing as girl who looks like she’s fourteen and guy who looks he’s a fourteen year old girl can get. Anyway, they really do lockup this time. Northstar has no trouble forcing Candie into a neutral corner. Northstar breaks the hold and rears his fist back, preparing to lower the boom like he was Mohamed Ali and she was Sonny Liston. But, Candie smartly ducks between the third and second ropes, forcing Northstar to make a clean break. Frustrated with having to break the hold, Northstar gives ref Okari Tanaka, an earful as he’s forced to the center of the ring.

CABOOSE
Coach, Candie is a role model to women everywhere. First she escapes with mind and body intact from that savage rapist, Gunner, now she’s holding her own against this glory hogging air head, Northstar.

Candie tries to stall by telling Northstar to back up some more. He does the exact opposite of what Candie tells him to do and charges at her with a corner avalanche! Afraid of getting made into a turnbuckle sandwich Candie DIVES a good three feet out of the way! Ever the agile one, Northstar casually lands on the second ropes. He looks over his shoulder and notices that Candie has foolishly positioned herself behind him. He blows a kiss to the world, before flying towards Candie with a MUTHAFUCKING~! moonsault press!!! The move connects and Candie is O-U-T, and the crowd is tickled with d-e-l-i-g-h-t!!

Crowd
Let’s go Northstar! Let’s got Northstar! Let’s go Northstar!

Northstar nods his head in appreciation of the chant. He rips his baby blue mesh shirt off, exposing his chiseled physique, and causing the female members of the audience to blow the roof off the arena with their shrieking!

CABOOSE
Pull your pants up, Coach.

BAM!!! Zack Malibu levels Northstar from behind with a clubbing forearm, paying him back for the spear Northstar hit him with early in the match! With a renewed hatred for his old enemy, Zack violently stomps away at him, muttering and cussing as he kicks his old friend. Candie slowly rises to her feet and aids her boyfriend in stomping the shit out of Northstar. Taking an interest in your boyfriend’s past times? How sweet!

CROWD
Candie swallows! Candie swallows! Candie swallows!

Michael Cole, who is an adamant opponent of any type of doubling teaming, has seen ENOUGH!!!!!! He charges into the ring and makes a bee line for Zack! He leaps onto the world champion’s back and proceeds to make an uncivilized attempt to gouge Zack’s eyes out! The crowd roars in approval for MC’s show of ruthlessness!

CABOOSE
Stupid, Cole! Is this how you repay the man who’s responsible for your continued employment?! By trying to rip his face off?

Northy is on his feet and has Candie set up for the Kate Beckinbomb! The crowd is on the edge of their feet and urging Northstar to powerbomb her straight TO HELL!!!!! Zack, who’s rid himself of Cole, makes sure they’ll see no such thing as he LEVELS Northstar with a clothesline!!!!

With a frown etched on his face, Zack yanks Northstar upright. He tries to get Northstar as far away from Candie as possible and goes for an Irish whip, BUT it’s reversed by Northstar, who sends Zack crashing into Candie, causing their heads to collide and Candie to fall to the mat! Zack stands in horror and awe as he see’s his precious Candie lying unconscious on the canvas.

CABOOSE
Medic! EMT! Candie’s gone down!

COACH
From what I’ve heard, that ain’t the first time....

Northstar get’s all intelligent on us and quotes Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet “Away begone, stand not amazed!” He orders Zack. With that, Northstar grabs the back of Zack’s head and flings him over the top rope, sending him crashing to the mat face first and permanently taking him out of this match! The fans in the seats nearest Zack rise to their feet and lean over the barricade and shower Zack with jeers, taunts, and proposals for fellatio. Zack starts to regret his decision to ever become a pro wrestler when a fan pours his eight dollar beer onto Zack's meticulously styled hair.

CABOOSE
Ah! Security! Security! Get down here and do your damn job! Our champion is being violated!

Back in the ring, Northstar grabs Candie by her bleached blonde hair and brings the diva to her feet. He loudly asks the crowd what he should do with her.

Their response is “ifhiwhfffhfubfhiw2hggYFY” Which he interprets to mean “body slam”. Always one to please the blood thirsty fan base, Northstar drops Candie with a Bridget Moynaslam (basic body slam!) Northstar then turns the show over to Michael Cole.

CABOOSE
! What’s he doing up there? Get down, you fool! You’re gonna break your freaking neck! You can’t work with a broken neck! Wait.....stay up there! Stay up there! Do a swanton bomb! Do a 630 splash! Wait, I’ll get you a ladder!

What’s Caboose rambling about? Well, Mikey has made his way to the top rope! His knees are shaking, his palms are sweating and his stomach has turned inside out about three times. His eyes are blinded by the sweat that’s dripping down from his forehead. That proves to be a good thing as it prevents him from looking down, something that would only make him even more nervous. He’s wondering what type of brain fart he had to lead him into climbing the top rope. To him it seems like time has slowed to an eighth. All he can hear is the roar of the crowd, the chants of his name, and Northstar, Caboose and Coach urging him to make the leap! He takes a deep breath and summons all the courage he can muster. Then, much to the delight and amusement of just about every one in the arena, he starts to swivel his hips and shake his ass like a mother fucking drill. He then closes his eyes, says a little prayer and flies off with a MONEY SHOT~!

CABOOSE AND COACH
!!!!

A thirty second silence seems like thirty minutes as Cole floats through the air, body out stretched and eyes still closed. Then the crowd erupts like a VOLCANO~!!!!!!! as Michael Cole lands a picture perfect Money Shot on Candie!

He’s in a pinning position so the ref makes the count!!

CROWD
1

CROWD
2

CROWD
3!!!!!!!

CABOOSE
What?! WHAT??!!!! I demand a recount! He wasn’t even the legal man! This is an injustice of ineptitude!

COACH
He did it! HE DID IT, BOOZY! HE DID IT!

Coach rips off his head set and slams it onto the floor! He leaves the announcer’s table and darts to the ring! Out of the corner of his eye, Michael spots his announce partner running towards him! Cole stands up and leaps into the Coach’s arms! They share an enormous embrace as Coach swings a smiling Mikey in the air!

CABOOSE
Dude, they’re so gay.

Two thirds of Triple C are showered in black and orange confetti left over from the office Halloween party, that rains down from ceiling and into the ring.

CABOOSE
Oh god.....does this make Michael the number one contender? (Caboose weeps.)

Overcome with happiness the two fall to the mat, hugging, laughing and crying tears of heartfelt joy for Cole’s huge win. Soon, the entire locker room* empties as wrestlers and staff members rush to the ring to congratulate Michael Cole. (*=By entire locker room I mean, Jackie Gayda, Josh Matthews, Tom Goran, Randy Savage and Mike Hunt. hahahahhaaa. Mike Hunt.)

On the outside, Northstar is seen rummaging through an out cold Zack’s wallet, hoping to score some quick cash to feed is his Soy & Calendula facial scrub addiction. The man has a disease.

CABOOSE
Well, I’m off to go jump off a building. Have a nice weekend!

The show closes with all the well wishers from the back pouring into the ring and piling on top of Michael Cole as if he had just won the Stanley Cup. And given how happy he looks, he might as well have.