Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 "It all started with a beltshot."*beltshot* "See? Now, five years later, the One and Only Anglesault Thread is a worldwide phenomenon, reaching computer screens in places as far apart as Rome and Vatican City. Legends have been born....." A montage of images of OAOAST legends such as CWM, Anglesault, Zack Malibu and Some Guy appears. "....and history has been made." We see Crystal with her hand raised at AngleSlam '04.COACH MIKEY COLE, SHE DID IT! COLE CRYSTAL! CRYSTAL IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! "Tonight, the OAOAST looks back at five years of excitement...." Another montage of images, such as Zack Malibu defeating Anglesault, and various memorable spots from matches. "...while looking to the future." The camera pans up, revealing the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt and the man that is still in posession of it. Drek Stone.BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM....... BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! The extra special pyro display signals the beginning of an extra special night here in the OAOAST. The General Motors Palace in Vancouver is rockin' with that post-AngleMania excitement. Special bunting surrounds the AngleTron while the ring has a special "OAOAST 5th Anniversary" canvas. We go over to Sofa Central where a suited-up Michael Cole and Coach sit. COLE AngleMania VI is in the books and it is not hyperbole when I say that it was, without a doubt, the wildest, most exciting, most surprising OAOAST pay-per-view of all time. Feuds were settled, we said goodbye to one of the greatest tag teams in OAOAST history and titles changed hands... COACH But not the title that we all thought would change hands, Michael Cole. I've watched that match a half-dozen times this week and I still can't believe what we saw in the main event. COLE Yes folks, Drek Stone is still the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion. It was a battle for the ages, but our night in Toronto ended with Drek pinning Zack Malibu's shoulders to the mat for the one..two..three. COACH You have to hand it to him, NOBODY was expecting anything other than Zack regaining the OAOAST title for a third time, but Drek took everything that Zack gave him, and brother, I mean everything, and he got the job done. COLE We are going to hear from the champion AND the challenger tonight along with a lot more on AngleMania, but also, tonight we will celebrate five years as an organization with a look back at memorable moments, matches and stars. Our main event this week reflects that as two of the OAOAST's biggest legends will do battle in that ring when Zack Malibu takes on Tony Brannigan! It's going to be legen....and I hope you aren't lactose intolerant, because the last part of that is...DARY!Woke up this morning Got yourself a gun Mama said you'd always be The chosen one "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" COACH Here comes the champion!Pretend Drek does a promo here until NYU puts something in Stone's bragging session is quickly cut off, as "Getting Away With Murder" drowns out his claims of supremacy. Stone stops dead in his tracks and turns his head to the side, looking up the aisleway, as Zack Malibu appears before him. COLE It looks like Anglemania will not be the final chapter, because Zack Malibu is making his presence felt tonight! COACH I bet Drek Stone wished that Malibu would take the loss lying down, but we know that ain't the case! Malibu walks to the ring, the expression on his face showing that he appears to be in thought. Stone backs up a bit and keeps the belt slung over his shoulder, watching Malibu's every move in case the OAOAST's Franchise decides to exact revenge for Stone's tainted title defense this past Sunday night. Malibu enters the ring and comes over to Stone, and the two go nose to nose, with the hard cameras zooming in close. The rabid crowd roars with cheers for Malibu, as he and Stone lock eyes in the center of the ring once again. Stone, unhappy with the interruption, is even more unhappy when Malibu takes the microphone out of his hand. Before he takes the mic away though, Stone grabs Malibu's hand and pulls the mic up, making sure he gets a word in. STONE I hope you're out here to congratulate me, because you've got nothing to be proud of here tonight. You FAILED, Zack. Malibu's scowl increases, and now he yanks the mic away from Stone. MALIBU Failed? FAILED? Yeah, maybe I did. Maybe Sunday night, I didn't do what I wanted to do, what I promised these people and everyone in the back what I'd do. On Sunday night, you did pin my shoulders to the canvas. You DID retain your World Heavyweight Title. You are still the OAOAST World Champion, and I'm not. But I'm still proud of myself, Drek. I took everything...EVERYTHING you could do to me. Every shortcut you thought you could take, you did, and I STILL kicked out. Low blows, beltshots, one ref, two refs...we went through hell and back on Sunday night, Drek. By the skin of your teeth, you walked away. You left a sour taste in everyone's mouth, because Anglemania ended with a sight no one wanted to see...with Drek Stone as the reigning World Heavyweight Champion...or at least that's what everyone in the arena and on pay per view saw. Stone, now confused, asks Malibu what he's talking about. Our faithful announcers wonder what Zack means as well. MALIBU One year ago, Drek, I won a World Title shot, guaranteed, by winning Two For The Money. In the ensuing months, it wasn't titles I was worried about, but rather my friends and family being brutalized by a madman named Bruce Blank, a guy that I hate just as much, if not more, than you. I got distracted. I got thrown off course, but all the while that title shot was still valid... Stone rushes over, interrupting Malibu by grabbing the mic and yelling into it. STONE NOT ANYMORE! YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE, ZACK! THAT TITLE SHOT IS USELESS NOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE OVER THE ONE YEAR DEADLINE! MALIBU You're right, today is too late to cash in the Two For The Money title shot. Which is why, Drek, I want you to look at this video from SUNDAY NIGHT! Malibu turns, pointing to the Angletron, as Stone's eyes widen. There, on the screen, is a battle worn Zack Malibu, the wounds still fresh from his World Title match against Drek Stone. With him is Anglesault, the CFO, CEO, and all around guy in charge of the OAOAST. ANGLESAULT You cut it close with this, Zack. MALIBU It's always good to have a backup plan. Malibu signs a document on Anglesault's desk, and then Anglesault turns to the camera, holding it up. ANGLESAULT Stone, I know you know what this means, but just to clarify...the time now is 11:51pm. Which means that Zack Malibu had about nine minutes to cash in his Two For The Money title shot. Just to let you know, what I hold in my hand is just that, and the two of you, Drek Stone and Zack Malibu, are now OFFICIALLY SIGNED FOR A REMATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE! The camera cuts back to the live shot, and Stone is livid, as the crowd comes alive, cheering wildly Malibu's actions. Stone throws the belt down and stomps his feet, now forced to have to do battle with Malibu at least one more time with the gold on the line. MALIBU Just so you know, Drek, I'm not cashing in tonight. Not while we're battle worn. In fact, you'll have plenty of time to prepare, because we're not doing battle again until School's Out! Drek seems more confused than ever, figuring Malibu would want to get the belt off of him as soon as possible. MALIBU I could take you out now, Drek. I could take you out whenever I want to, but I figured I'd wait. Because if you were so desperate to hold onto that title this past Sunday, then it's time you found out what being a champion was all about. I made a suggestion to Anglesault, and the reason we're not booked until School's Out is because you've got a full plate from now until then. On every HeldDOWN~!, every house show, every Syndicated, every everything, YOU WILL BE DEFENDING YOUR WORLD TITLE! No running, no ducking, no hiding. No matter what challengers are thrown your way, you're to be in attendance for every show, ready to work, and if you do NOT adhere to the stipulations, you will be STRIPPED OF THE OAOAST WORLD TITLE, and sit out the remainder of your contract WITHOUT PAY, which means no belt, no work, no NOTHING! Stone is FURIOUS, but the fans are loving it, as Malibu verbally takes it to him. MALIBU I doubt you'll ever know what it's like to take pride in that title or in this company, but you sure as hell are going to act becoming of a World Champion, at least until someone more deserving of it has it around their waist. So good luck, Drek...because you're sure as hell going to need it! Malibu throws the mic at the feet of Drek Stone, who is fuming, and silently stares down Malibu. Zack smirks, having just turned the tables on his most hated foe, and ruined the victory celebration he had in store for us! COLE Shocking news, amazing news, but more importantly GOOD news for this company! Drek Stone is going to be made into a fighting champion whether he likes it or not, and Zack Malibu will be waiting for him at School's Out! COACH IF Drek makes it to School's Out! COLE That's right, Coach! Drek Stone could lose the World Title in the meantime, which means whomever the champion is by School's Out will have to take on Zack Malibu. Anybody could be the champion by then! What a coup by Zack Malibu and Anglesault here tonight!And now, an OAOAST 5th Anniversary MomentThe first-ever Ultimate X Match, OAOAST License to Pin, July 31st, 2005 Courtesy OAOAST Home Entertainment Knight rolls around in pain on the mat as Wright drops the chair and immediately stumbles towards the corner, stepping through the ropes to the apron and heading up the turnbuckles. Jay Richards begins to finally get to his feet, aided by a cup of water in his face courtesy of Jumbo, who pleads for Jay to stop the Natural. Wright hops up and gets a good grip on the cable, starting his journey to the gold. Richards looks up groggily and sees Wright slowly inching his way across the cable. He crawls under the bottom rope to the apron himself, making his way on his knees around the corner. COLE What is Jay thinking? COACH I see another “Holy Shit!!” chant in our future. Wright continues going hand over hand, almost losing his grip but quickly recovering. CABOOSE Those cables have to be pretty slick with sweat by now, so you really have to concentrate to keep your balance. Richards keeps his eyes on Wright, grabbing the top rope and pulling himself to his feet. The crowd at Skydome rises as one again in anticipation of what Jay has up his sleeve. Wright, facing the other way, has no idea he is in danger, assuming the fans are rising to salute his impending victory. Jay takes a few deep breaths and measures Wright one last time. COLE No, don’t do it kid! Jay springboards off the top rope and leaps…… He hurtles himself towards Wright’s waist, and luckily for him the cable is sagging enough that Wright is hanging in a near perfect position…….. For Jay to wrap his arms around it……. Causing Wright to lose his grip and send them both down….. Down….. Down…… *CRASH* “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” COACH Oh….my…god. COLE Jay Richards just speared Christian Wright almost 15 feet down to the canvas!!! “O-A-O!!!!!” “O-A-O!!!!!” “O-A-O!!!!!” “O-A-O!!!!!” “O-A-O!!!!!” “O-A-O!!!!!”Commercial break Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 This OAOAST 5th Anniversary Moment courtesy: OAOAST HeldDOWN~! April 29, 2004BLACK Tonight, I will be one half of the final, mystery team in the tag title tournament. MATTHEWS Wow! And who will be your partner? BLACK “Who will be your partner”…Sir. MATTHEWS Yes Sir! Who will it be Sir? BLACK Why, the only man worthy of the honor, Jill. The only man worthy. * CLIP *BUFFER From London, weighting 243lbs- the Ice Heart, Daaaaaaaaaan BLACK! Dan walks down to the ring in his usual trench coat and shades, and wastes no time climbing into the ring. He looks at both members of the RAS and shakes his head, a mixture of disgust and contempt on his face. Dan Black points at RAS. He motions to the back. CUE: "Simply Ravishing" The crowd erupts in a mixture of cheers and boos. COLE What?!First Round Match vs. The Rave & Assault SquadBlack lifts Mikey up and hits him with the Rock Bottom as Tony delivers a simultaneous OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE! COLE OH MY GOD! MIKEY JUST TOOK TWO MOVES IN ONE! CABOOSE I’m calling that one the Black Body Bag- the 3B! Dan covers the crushed Mikey. ONE! TWO! THREE!Second Round Match vs. Spanish Fly & Vitamin XOut of nowhere SF comes off the top with his trademark FLYING CROSSBODY BLOCK, but Dan gets out of the way, letting SF get a face full of canvas. Then Dan grabs him and sends him head first into VX, hitting him in the stomach. T-Bod lifts up VX and nails THE OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE! 1... 2... 3!Tag Title Tournament Finals vs. The Global Party XChangeT.Bod and Dan picks Johnny up, his face covered in blood. Combined Rock Bottom-Out of Body Experience. The Black Body Bag. CABOOSE 3B! 3B! Dan’s cover. ONE. TWO. THREE. DING DING DING BUFFER The winners of the match….and NEW OAOAST Tag Team Champions- Dan Black and T.Bod, BLACK T! Dan and TB snatch a tag belt each, holding them up in celebration, before hugging. Jivin’ JR skips back into the ring, nodding seriously at the new champs. Dan turns to JR, a new look of respect on his face, and shakes his hand. T.Bod, grinning, does the same. COLE That was nearly three years ago that Black T won their first OAOAST Tag Team Titles. They added two more reigns over that time period and became one of the greatest tag teams in wrestling history. This past Sunday at AngleMania, they stood side-by side in the ring one last time.Dan and Tony look out into the crowd who are on their feet, cheering and applauding the three-time OAOAST World Tag Team Champions, the most recognisable name in tag team wrestling in the OAOAST, two true Hall Of Famers. Even The Ice Heart looks a little emotional at the reception, as Tony shrugs his shoulders to his partner, silencing his apologies... and extending a hand... ...accepted by Black! Dan and Tony shake hands and embrace in the centre of the ring, clearly talking to each other but unheard over the crowd. "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" Black breaks the embrace and raises Tony's hand, the two OAOAST legends standing tall in the centre of the ring at Skydome, at AngleMania, taking one last curtain call in the OAOAST ring. Never to be forgotten. "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" Back to the arena, the Vancouver crowd takes up the chant of the Torontoites. "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" COLE Thank you gentlemen for a great career. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring to my left, at a total combine weight of 330 pounds, the meanest and baddest hombres in all of Latin America…LOS CONQUISTADORS! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The Golden Ones raise their right fists in solidarity. COACH The OAOAST can take away Los Conquistadors entrance, no doubt in response to their actions at AngleMania, but they can’t take away their pride. COLE No, but their opponents might be able too, as many teams in our sister promotion in Japan, HI-YAH, can attest to. Not yet accustomed to Fall Out Boy’s “Thriller” for a pair of Texas cowboys, the crowd is slow to react until the sexy-but-geeky Melody Nerdly bursts onto the stage in her revealing Daisy Dukes, followed by her dashing young tag team of Jock Mulligan and Baron Windels. With most of the pyro budget spent on AngleMania, there's little left for the Gunslingers entrance so none is used. BUFFER Their opponents, led down the aisle by their manager MELODY NERD-- Buffer stops in mid-sentence and heads for cover as Los Conquistadors ambush the Lone Star Gunslingers on their way in! * DINGDINGDING * COACH Uno and Dos sending a message to every tag team out there. If you’re gonna mess with them, you better know what you’re in for because they’re out to hurt you. Los Conquistadors decide to focus their attack on the 6’7” Baron Windels, tossing Jock outside. They strangle him with his own white jacket, and then rip the Stewie Griffin t-shirt off his body and stuff it down his throat! Outside, Melody appears more horrified at the desecration of the shirt rather than the treatment of Windels, and Los Conquistadors relish every second of it, wiping the shirt on their butts before flicking it back at her. She clutches the shirt of her beloved TV show close to her chest and rallies the crowd behind Baron as he’s whipped into the ropes. He ducks a double clothesline and levels both Conquistadors with a flying lariat! COLE MySpace Comeback! MELODY (firing imaginary pistols in air) Yeeeew-haw! Inside, Baron fires off a couple rounds of his own, mixing right hands with a few Cowboy Bebop elbows. Jock returns to the apron and accepts the tag from Baron, who shoots Uno off to the far side. The Texas Twister charges forward and tells the Wild Chicano to BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!! ONE.. TWO… Dos flies into view and onto Jock to breakup the pin. As the referee escorts Dos to his corner, Jock lassos Uno as Jock clotheslines him off the ropes! COLE Lone Star Lasso! You can put this one in the books. It’s all over. The count has to wait until Baron exits. The referee calling it both ways. But it allows Dos to sneak in and PILEDRIVER Mulligan! He rolls Uno outside and covers Jock! COACH You spoke too soon, Cole. Ha. COLE Los Conquistadors are going to keep up the win the cheap way. ONE… TWO… THREE-- NO!! “YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dos protests it was a slow count, but like all protests it goes nowhere and turns violent. Dos spots Uno climbing onto the apron and raises his fist. He steps out on the other side of the ring and springboards to the top along with Uno, but Jock Texas two-steps away, causing Los Conquistadors to crash and burn! The tag is made and Baron connects with a top rope lariat on Uno, and then a big boot to Dos. Uno swings and misses, and is brought down courtesy of a Russian leg sweep. Baron covers but Dos stomps him on the head and hammers away before firing the big Texan off…but Windels ducks a swinging back elbow and tacks on the DEVIL’S ADDITION! His partner, the Texas Twister, follows up with a running dropkick that sends Dos out to the floor. Then as a unit perform the REDNECK HANGOVER!! Double cover! ONE… TWO… THREE! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER Here are your winners…the LONE STAR GUNSLINGERS!!! The Gunslingers celebrate with a pair of high-fives from their gal pal Melody, who reunites the Stewie Griffin t-shirt with its rightful owner Baron Windels. Baron is hesitant to put the shirt back on but he doesn’t have much of a choice with Mel just staring at him with a big smile on her face. Melody then initiates a group hug! CUE REPLAY. COACH I hate to say it, but an impressive win for the Lone Star Gunslingers. They withstood the early onslaught from Los Conquistadors and came back with a vengeance. Some nice maneuvers thrown in, but it was the Redneck Hangover power bomb that won it for the men standing by with Michael Cole. COLE Jock, Baron, Mel…congratulations on your victory. The first since joining forces. BARON Well, you know, Michael… MELODY Oh, my gosh! Can you believe it? We finally won! A match that is, we always win at SOCOM for PS2, no thanks Mister no hand-eye cordination Baron Windels. Yay me, and the Gunslingers too, but mostly yay me! I knew Jock and Baron had everything it took to be a winner, they just needed some guidance. Gudiance from the world's smartest woman. But Krista's busy, so they got her look alike instead. Now that their brawn has met my brain and are beginning to get serious about each other, the ride is going to be wickedly awesome. JOCK It’s been a bumpy few weeks, but I think we’ve turned the corner in the last few days. We’re gelling like a trio instead of a tandem. People are finally starting to take notice of the Lone Star Gunslingers, and if they hadn’t before, we sure as heck opened some eyes at AngleMania. COLE You certainly did and I’d like to touch more on that subject. The Heavenly Rockers, who unfortunately couldn’t be here tonight as they recover from bumps and bruises sustained during the Sin City street fight, have said they don’t appreciate it when others impose on their fame and glory, but sources have told me they’re thankful for your help Sunday night as it took them out of a potentially dangerous situation. BARON Just like the Heavenly Rockers, Jock and I had a score to settle with the Sooner Bruisers as well. They lassoed Melody like she was some prize steer and left us lying in a pool of our own blood. Nobody does that to the Lone Star Gunslingers and gets away with it. So we served up our brand of justice at AngleMania when some outlaws tried to run amuck. It’s our way of letting every tag team out there know we want one of those two tag belts. COLE Another situation that arose Sunday night involved you, Melody, when Logan Mann swept you off your feet… MELODY COLE (CONT’D) …and planted a big wet one of you. He was in an obvious state of confusion, having suffered a concussion during the fight, but I’m sure there are no hard feelings over his actions. MELODY (squeals) That was so totally hawt. Logan's a handsome homosapien, somewhere between Cyclops from the X-Men and Optimus Prime. He could’ve raped me in the ring and I still would’ve loved it, much to the chagrin of Papa Nerdly. But papa don’t preach. And you know what else? Not only did I kiss Logan, but I kissed Holly and had my first threesome! See, Holly’s involved with Logan, right? And he kissed me which means I’ve kissed Holly too! Alix always said my first lesbian experience would come unexpected and she was right. Being a manager is the most fun you can have without going to jail for identity theft. But I digress, let’s go to Chuck E. Cheese, there's skeet ball that needs to be conquered! COACH (perking up) Damn right there's a skeet that needs to be conquered. Like a waterhouse. CUE: “Thriller” by Fall Out Boy Melody does some random funky dance moves as Cole looks on, and then gets down! COACH Let's cut away to commerical or something. Our views don't need to see this. And now another OAOAST 5th Anniversary Moment: The Title Change That Wasn'tPage 54 of the One & Only Anglesault Thread April 27, 2002::CWM's arm drops twice before he CHARGES UP~! and gives AS a Rolling COnspiracy BOmb for the quick 3 count by Dave Hebner::MOMENTS LATER ::AS throws a fit, Salt shakers CWM on the ramp and orders Hebner to count to 3.:: 2 Time, 2 Time, 2 Time One and Only Anglesault Thread Champion! ::As and the RETURNING QUEEN MOLLY get into the Anglecycle and leave::Commercial break Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 COACH People, it's no secret celebrities are just like you poor nameless losers at home, they love the oaoast! And why shouldn't they when my salary was slashed in half so the company could pay for Chicks Over Dicks to have Nelly Furtado and Avril Lavgine sing for their entrances at Anglemania. Anything for those two, they can have whatever they want. You think I can afford this shit?! I got three kids by three different women I should...(Coach trails off mumbling incoherently) COLE Uh....Let's take a look at just a small sampling of previous celebrity appearances from over the years.OAOAST HeldDOWN 4/20/06(on location at Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills) Her vindictive heart yearning for retribution, Alix takes tight hold of Mackenzie's long brown locks. She then moves her towards a parking meter, and angrily slams her face into the cold metal object! The collision generates a grotesque sound of metal meeting bone, as various spectators erupt with cheers for their hometown girl's offensive flurry. Alix replays the vile move, and a sharp scream leaves Mackenzie's crimson lips as her face thuds into the head of the meter. Delighted with the results of the previous two strikes, Alix tries repeat her sickening maneuver for a third time. However Mac is wholly opposed to another introduction to the parking meter, and frantically beats her elbows into Alix's midsection to ward off such an attack. The sixth and final elbow manages to secure her freedom, and she's quick to push her new found advantage. Taking hold of Alix's bra strap, she drags the kicking and screaming lass away from the meter and towards a parked Jaguar. Unlike the other cars that these women have vandalized through the 24/7 title match, this one happens to be currently attended to by it's owner. Shockingly, that owner happens to be none other then entertainment personality Jessica Simpson! Emptying her own shopping bags into the trunk of her car, Jessica looks up at the tornado of havoc that's approaching her, and gives Mackenzie a look that says she better take her fracas elsewhere. Unfortunately Mac doesn't lend much credence to the pop star's thinly veiled threats, and pushes the woman away from the open trunk in order to commandeer it for her own uses. Jessica reacts with incredulity, “Excuse me?” “Back off, I'll be done in a second.” Mac responds, as she starts to shove Alix into the trunk. “Hey, here's an idea! While you wait, maybe you can think of ways to get Nick to take you back, so you can resuscitate your DOA “career”. By the way, I saw Dukes Of Hazzard, and, honey, you act as bad as you dress. Thank you, drive through.” Thinking that she's put Jessica in her place, Mackie turns away from recording artist to put Alix in her's; inside the trunk. “Hey!” A booming voice rings inside of Mackenzie's ears. Mackenzie whirls around, stunned to see that Jess hasn't retreated with her tail tucked firmly in between her legs. Jessica lunges at Mackenzie and smacks her across the jaw with a thunderous punch! The stunned diva has the breath knocked out of her, and falls face first into the trunk! Alix steps back out onto street, eager to take advantage of Mackie's wounded state. Receiving enthusiastic assistance from Jessica, she dumps Mackenzie's entire body into the trunk. Despite her blurred vision Mac is able to determine what's transpiring, and attempts to escape Alix and Jessica's treacherous trap. But her speed is insufficient and Jessica quickly slams the trunk shut, sealing the bellowing and shouting woman within the vehicle. While the ex Mrs.Lachey dusts her hands off in satisfaction and delight, Alix hops onto the trunk “pinning” Mackenzie. Billy Silverman (remember him?) counts the unorthodox pinfall.. ONE TWO THREE!!! A raucous cheer erupts from the spectators, as Silverman makes the result official. “The winner, and still 24/7 champion, Alix Spezia!” “So what was all that for?” Jessica asks, confused as to why there's a woman buried inside her trunk. “What was all what for?” Alix's words come between deep and labored pants, as she drapes her body across the trunk. “You know, the referee, the crazy woman trying to kill you? You slept with her husband, didn't you?” “No, no, no! I'm the OAOAST 24/7 champion, and that means I can be attacked anytime and anywhere for my belt, just as long as there's a ref around to count the pinfall. I'm the only person in the universe who has to defend their title twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. Sooooooooo, that means if you really wanted to, you could probably attack me right now, kick my ass, and beco.....”Alix pauses when she notices a distinct gleam in Jessica's eye. “Ya know what? I gotta go! Thanks for everything! Tell Ashlee I said hi!” Even before the word hi leaves her lips, Alix is darting down Rodeo Drive to escape another title defense.*****OAOAST HeldDOWN 6/19/03 Two cars come FLYING into the parking lot, nearly taking out the Tough Enough alumni, as Zack Malibu stands by, a smirk on his face. Zack takes a look at the suped up Mitsubishi Evo and the Spyder convertible, as Alison hops out of the passenger side of the purple convertible. A:"Found 'em, babe!" ZM:"So I see." The drivers of the cars step out, and it's PAUL WALKER and TYRESE of the hit movie 2 Fast 2 Furious~! Josh:"WOW! Paul Walker and Tyrese! Guys, I'm a HUGE fan..." The stars brush past Tough Enough Josh, and shake hands with Malibu. ZM:"Welcome guys, glad you could make it tonight." PW:"Hey man, you know we gotta Back The Zack, especially tonight." Tyrese:"Yeah dog, big match goin' down tonight, huh?" ZM:"You know it man." PW:"Yeah, so when's it at?" ZM:"I figure we can get this party started now." PW:"Yeah? Let's do it then!" Zack, Alison, Walker and Tyrese head inside, as Josh Matthews looks on in disbelief***** Cut to a night time view of the city, as the yellow Mitsubishi Evo, driven by Paul Walker with Zack riding shot gun, is racing through the streets, dodging cars left and right, in order to catch up to a purple Spyder that was stolen from Tyrese by Edward Robbins, archenemy of Zack Malibu. ZM:"Thought you said you couldn't drive?" PW:"Hey, I learned some moves working on those two films. My biggest fear is death." ZM:"Psssh. Wuss." PW:"Wuss,huh?" Walker slams on the breaks and spins the car around, then starts driving through traffic IN REVERSE~!" ZM:"OK. 2 points for you." Walker continues to show off a bit, as Zack keeps his eye on the road. ZM:"THERE! THERE HE IS!" Zack spies Edward cutting up a side street. Walker spins out again, and darts up the same road, flooring the gas. ZM:"C'mon man, punch it!" PW:"I am. Hang on!" Walker continues to accelerate. Suddenly, a burst of spray shoots out from Edward's car, and he FLIES forward, leaving the Evo in the dust. PW:"Shit, he used the spray." ZM:"The nitrous? Don't we have that?" PW:"Yeah, but save it for when we need it." ZM:"We need it." PW:"Gotcha." Walker hits the switch, and he and Zack are forced to lean far back in their seats as the Evo propels forward, leaving all other automobiles and any scenery a blur through their windows. As the force of the spray takes them further, they do catch up to the convertible. ZM:"There he is. How can we get him to stop?" PW:"If I can get in front of him, leave that to me." Walker races up alongside Robins, who will not let him by. Suddenly, a large horn is heard in the distance. ZM:"Where did that come from?" PW:"Sounds like a boat." ZM:"Boat?" The two look at each other at the same time. Both:"BRIDGE." Walker races forward, daring Edward to keep up with him. Edward floors it again, and goes racing up the street, just as the bridge is being lifted!" ZM:"What if he stops?" PW:"He can't, too much acceleration, otherwise he's gonna fall into the water." Just like Walker said, Edward continues on, and the Spyder goes airborne, flying off the bridge, over the open gap, and coming down on the concrete below, bringing Robins escape plan to a halt. ZM:"Jump it." PW:"What? We can just go around!" ZM:"JUMP IT!" Malibu steps on Walker's foot, causing more acceleration. PW:"ZACK...YOU OWE ME BIG TIME..." The two yell out loudly as the Evo takes off, soaring through the air and coming down on the concrete. The car spins around as it lands, nearly grazing the Spyder in the process. Both Walker and Zack are breathing heavily, then start laughing. PW:"You almost got me killed." ZM:"You almost got ME killed." Both men recover from their risktaking adventure, and Zack hops out of the car. He walks over to the Spyder, and sees no motion from Edward. Walker steps out of the car, and looks on as Zack storms over to the car. PW:"How is he?" ZM:"Not sure, but even if he's OK, he won't be for long!" Edward is leaning back in his seat, eyes closed. He's conscious, but dazed. Zack reaches in, grabs him by the head, and slams it into the steering wheel! He shoves Ed into the passenger side, and then hops into the drivers seat. ZM:"Hey man, head back to the arena. I got a match to finish!" PW:"You got it!" Zack starts up the Spyder, and heads off, with Walker just behind them, both cars headed back to the arena!****OAOAST Anglemania 4/1/07 Trailing the mourner's path [at Chicks Over Dicks entrance] is pop superdiva (and Canadian!) Nelly Furtado, vocalizing the mood with her beautiful hit song. One of the neon crosses shines an infinite galaxy of light upon the haunted face of the lone mourner, revealing her to the prying world to be actress Laurel Holloman (L Word, Tumbleweeds). ****** Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your girlfriend! The entrance doors give way to the source of this loud proclamation, Ontario's Avril Lavigne. The Multi-Platinum recording artist steps between the rival leaders to usher peace between the frayed factions. Outfitted in a classic catholic school girl outfit, she belts her alluring song Girlfriend, while fearlessly bouncing through the maze of Krista and Laurel's jealousy. ****** In front of the AM backdrop, the Heavenly Rockers, in their lucky Las Vegas Outlaws jerseys, stand alongside Stuart Scott. STUART Yo, L-Mann, what's cracking, shorty? Is they hatin the playa-playa? Or is they hatin the playa's game? Ah say let the hatas hate, L-Mann, you straight butter, baby, take it to the phat farm. BOOOOOYAH! L-Mann, let the bustas do bustas, and L-Mann do L-Mann. Na'mean, lil shorty? Go on and get u a lil sumthin'-sumthin. HOME BOY IS BALLLLLLIN'! LOGAN And I'm gonna be busting a few balls momentarily, Stuart Scott. *****OAOAST HeldDOWN 12/24/04 Backstage in their dressing room, Black T, in surgical masks and gowns, watch over Jivin' J.R., dressed as an ELF complete with tiny green shoes, who is lying on 3 ironing boards placed together with his legs in the air. Candie, the valet/girlfriend of Zack Malibu, looks drop-dead gorgeous in her candy cane striped nurses outfit. BLACK Push. Push. J.R.'s moans grow ever louder with each passing second. Candie wipes the sweat off J.R.'s forehead with a wet towel. T-BOD Keep on truckin', J.R. BLACK There you go. It's almost out. Push, damn you! CANDIE Come on, J.R. Actor Rob Schneider (SNL, The Waterboy, Duece Bigelow: Male Gigglo), dressed as a hillbilly with scruffy facial hair, makes a cameo appearance as he comes into the camera's view. SCHNEIDER You can do it! BLACK Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rob Schneider. Everybody in the room claps, even Jivin' J.R., who's about to deliver. J.R. I loved you in Jaws. SCHNEIDER I wasn't in Jaws. T-BOD Hang it there, Rob. I'm sure movie roles will come in by the droves now. Maybe you can land you a spot on Boston Public. SCHNEIDER It's, uh, cancelled. T-BOD Goddamn! No wonder why you haven't done jack shit. Don't be so damn picky, man. Unlike Black T, the tag team that can't be beat, they all can't be success stories. Just keep trying, buddy. Keep trying. J.R. AAH! BLACK He's gonna blow! Incoming! * BOOM * A BOTTLE shoots out of J.R.'s anus, hitting T-Bod in the midsection, sending him crashing into the wall in an over-the-top matter. J.R. GOOD GAWD! GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, IT SHOT OUT OF MY ASS! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! Jivin' J.R. squeezes Candie's hand tightly as he's overcome with joy. Dan Black picks the bottle off the floor as T-Bod gets back to his feet, shaking off the cobwebs. Black wipes the bottle with a towel and gift-wraps it, finishing it off with a red bow before gently handing it to J.R. Dan, T-Bod and Candie watch with great pride as Jivin' J.R. tears the wrapping paper to reveal... BLACK Congratulations. It's your very own barbecue sauce. J.R. And it came with its trademark COWBOY HAT TOP! J.R. pops the bottle open, the cowboy hat top shooting out of the bottle like a piece of cork, nailing Rob Schneider in the eye. As Schneider screams in pain on the floor, the Oklahoma Fight Song plays in the background as Jivin' J.R. guzzles down his B-B-Q sauce. Cannibalism at its worst****OAOAST HELD THE FUCK DOWN 3/2/06 BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen it is time for an official OAOAST debate on the subject of role modelling and it is brought to you by Ecstasy a new fragance by Krista Isadora Duncan! The eloquent funk that makes up the intro of Drop it like it's hot by Snoop Doggy Dogg seeps into the viewing audience's ears. The noise is met with confused whispers from the attendees. But the hushed silence soon turns to brilliant cheering as the special guest moderator appears on screen. He is none other then the dog father himself, Snoop Doggy Dogg! BUFFER Introducing first the special guest moderator, as selected by Alix Spezia, from Long Beach, California he is a Grammy nominated recording artist who has gone platinum with over five different albums he is.....SNOOP DOGGGGG!! “YEAAAAAAAA!” Snoop slaps hands with the ringside fans, who forcefully push and shove at each other to get a closer glimpse of the hip-hop mega star. As the noise level reaches it's highest point, he enters the squared circle, which contains two podiunms, and is handed a microphone. “SNOOP! SNOOP! SNOOP! SNOOP The D-O-double geeze in the Big O! Saint Louis, this shit's about to jump off real fast and real quick. I hosted Girls Gone Wild, but ain't nothing more wild then the O to the A to the O. And we gonna get real wild with the Big Boss Dogg as we setting to straight up debate with Christian Wright and my girl Alix Spezia. This is gonna be some freaky shit, so let's let them dogs out! On cue the hard driving preamble of Slither by Velvet Revolver comes ripping through the arena's speakers! Boos are immediate as the entrance doors tear apart, revealing a snarling, Christian Wright. Outfitted in a charcoal single breasted suit, the vengeful Upstart, throws his arms out to his side, tilting his head towards the heavens and striking a defiant pose of triumph in the face of an unending wave of jeers. BUFFER Introducing contestant number one from Raleigh, North Carolina, he is The Natural......CHRISTIAN WRIIIIIIGHT! More taunts, insults and catcalls drench the snobbish grappler, who struts down the ramp with his head held high in fantastic confidence. There's a scream of anticipation as a beautiful red pyro fountain rises forth from the stage. It meets with an equally lovely pink pyro waterfall. As the chorus of Nelly Furtado's Promiscuous Girl seeps into the ears of the OAOAST faithful, both the pyrotechnics dissipate, replaced by a booming gold explosion that consumes the entire stage! The fans erupt with a thundering ovation as Alix Spezia, bedecked in a red tube minidress, appears on the stage. She rhythmically jerks her body back and forth to beat of her song, as Buffer prepares to make his final introduction! BUFFER And contestant number two, from Los Angeles, Califorina, she is the 2005 OAOAST female wrestler of the year, ALIX MARIAAAAA SPEZIA! Alix flounces down the ramp, while Wright, sweating bullets, grips angirly onto his podium. He nearly digs his fingers into the balsa wood, but it's all he can do to stop his rage from completely overtaking him. The beloved heroine steps into the ring apron, and slowly and seductively enters the squared circle, causing Snoop to crane his neck for a closer inspection. SNOOP They oughta put a camera in my sun glasses, 'cause what I'm seeing gots it going on.**** (Wright is seemingly unable to contain his furor for the female fan favorite any longer. Trembling, he leans into his microphone, and launches a vile barrage of accusations her stunned way, interrupting Snoop.) WRIGHT Do you realize what you have done to me? Do you realize what irreparable harm you and your booze ridden armpiece have done to my reputation? Do you realize that by robbing me of my championship you have turned my once tranquil existence into an anarchic living hell? Is your minuscule brain, no bigger then the droppings of a Shar Pei puppy and with all the intelligence to boot, capable of comprehending what wrongs you have transgressed towards me? ALIX Uh, is this all gonna be old stuff I already know? Or is this new stuff? I'm gonna have to start writing all this down! Jeez, ya nearly choke a guy to death, and ya got an enemy for life! What gives? (singing like the Black Eyed Peas) Where's the love, yall? I don't know. Where's the love? I don't know. One love. One love. One love. (Pushed to the edge of his sanity, Christian steps away from his podium, ready to change this battle from one of wits to one of brawn. However Snoop swiftly intercepts the ill tempered star.) SNOOP Man, chill the hell out. We gonna conduct this debate and we gonna conduct this the right way. So sayeth the muthafuckin dogfather. Now can you deal wit that? Get yo ass back behind the podium. I'm gonna ask you a question, and all you gotta do is answer it. I don't ask you a question, you don't got nothing to say. Simple as that. You follow that one rule we cool. You don't follow that one rule, then when we ain't cool. And believe me, you wanna be cool with a crip. Understand? (Brooding, Wright nods) Babygirl, you caught the rule? ALIX Like herpes from a Tijuana hooker! WRIGHT There! There! Right there! She did it right there! Right there! SNOOP Man, what the did I just tell you? You get done licking the windows on the short bus and decide you wanna play wrestler? What's wrong with you?***** ALIX Christian, your so ugly that when you masturbate, your penis files rape charges! SNOOP Damn, damn, damn! Somebody just got pimpslapped!***** WRIGHT I shall not lend credence to the drug fueled ramblings of some harpy who feels the need to end every other thought with the word “dude”. I am not your dude, young lady. I am your moral and intellectual superior, and be thankful that I allowed you that moments rambling. For any other woman would've scored a solid punch to the stomach for choosing to speak out of turn as you did. From henceforth, I believe it would be in your best interest to keep your mouth closed, and stick to what you do best, keeping your legs spread. SNOOP Man, that ain't right. WRIGHTThat ain't right. Must you bait me to go into my dissertation about how ebonics of the lower class have ruined cultured America. No, your ineptitude must be dealt with swiftly, and perhaps violently. I bit my tongue when I saw that a rapper, and a degenerater of society, a poisoner of the young mind, was selected by this gutter slut to be the guest moderator. But my convictions will lie dormant no more! COACH Here it comes! Here it comes! WRIGHT Because you are a guest in my establishment I shall spare you a vituperative dressing down and cut to my razor sharp point. I demand that you resign your position as moderator. SNOOP Naw. You don't demand nothing of ol Snoop Dogg.***** WRIGHT I have approached you with more altruism then a man of your thuggish character has earned. I now see that this appeal was erroneous on my part! It would seem that the only way that your kind can be reached is through a swell of illegal narcotics, a showcase of gratuitous violence, or the blaring racket of a police siren! Pardon me, Master P, but I must claim ignorance to the mores and social customs that transpired within the urban jungle where your formative years were misspent. But in civilized, mainstream America, where I take residence, tarts such as the one currently protecting you from a savage beating are shunned and disgraced for their lewd actions. Additionally we expect our debate moderators to display a shred of objectivity in their conduct. A gentlemen in your station, now matter how ill his repute may be, owes it to himself and to the integrity of the debate to uphold a sterling impartiality! You sir have failed on several accounts, and I am telling you to answer my calls of resignation from your miscast role as debate moderator. If you do not do so quickly and promptly, your face will be answering to the underside of my boot, and your teeth will be answering to a sharp fist. SNOOP Alix was right, man. You ain't no role model. You need to reevaluate and reeducate you life and your beliefs. You may got it up here (points to brain), but You ain't got it right here (points to heart). And until you got it there, you ain't got it at all. WRIGHT My. You have put me in place. I fear that my time in your presence has drawn to a close. But before I make my departure, head held low, self esteem held lower, let me say that you have given me something to think about. Now, allow me to give you something to think about as well. SNOOP What? WRIGHT This... (Christian shoves his podium at Snoop, knocking the startled Long Beach native to the floor! As boos fill the Saavis center air, Wright seeks to beat a hasty retreat! However his path is blocked by an ireful Alix Spezia! A well placed right hook sends the Upstart tumbling back to the ropes! The crowd quickly changes their tune as it looks like the snooty superstar is about to receive his just desserts! Alix surges forward, ready to tear his face off with a superkick! But The Meterosexual Monster, Bohemoth, appearing at the best possible moment, reaches into the ring and attempts to pull his friend towards safety! But his grip slips and he winds up causing more harm then good, staggering Wright towards Alix, who blasts him with that thunderous superkick! While the excited crowd roots on the move, he's knocked into the ropes, where he gets tangled like a fly caught in a bright orange spider web. To make a bad situation even more humiliating, Snoop Dogg and Alix join hands and lunge towards Wright! He's powerless to stop the unit as they amazingly double clothesline him clear out of the ring! Wright lands in Bo's arms and the hapless duo clumsily topples to the mats! The fans explode with ear shattering cheers and applause for Wright's comeuppance!) “SNOOP! SNOOP! SNOOP!” (Alix and Snoop celebrate their impressive achivement amidst the rambunctious ovation from the Saint Louis crowd, as Wright and Bo slink up the ramp. Wright offers a sullen Bo an earful for his embarassing folly.) *****OAOAST Syndicated 2/27/07(on location at Warner Brothers studios in Burbank,CA) “CUT!” a booming voice echoes from the distance of the studio. The camera pans out to reveal the source of the shout of “cut”, none other then horror guru, director Wes Craven, staring daggers at Krista for her violent deviation from the script of his movie “Honey, baby, you're supposed to let the bad guy win. Remember?” He says, leaning back in his director chair. “You might have read that in that big pamphlet full of words and phrases, called the script. I know you want a big part, but you can't kill the bad guy in the first five minutes. You can't have a movie where the main character gets killed in the beginning. Except for American Beauty. Can we do this again?” Krista, in an attempt to prove that she's not a total dunce to the horror legend, desperately tries to plead her case. “You don't understand! He's not an actor! He's a savage, psychotic, gang banger, who bid on a charity auction to help Tibet, but really he's trying to kill me! Look! “ ******** Thinking that Alix is off put by the prospect of another big budget comic book movie, female co-star, and daughter of Goldie Hawn,Kate Hudson comes to console her. “Sweetie, it's gonna be okay. Look, sometimes you gotta do the safe picture, to do the artsy pictures. Sometimes you gotta do the pay your friend back picture, and sometimes you gotta do me You, Me and Dupree” OWEN WILSON “Give me a tiger face.” Kate encourages the nervous gal. “RAWWWWR!” Alix howls with impressive gusto. “Monkey face!” “OOH-WAH! OOH-WAH! OOH-WAH!” Kate presents a dismissive wave of her hand. “Eh. That's more of an orangutan face.” “Same thing, babe.” “No, the orangutan is a member of the great ape phylum of primate classification. It's not a monkey, Alix.” “Hey, Goldie locks, who's the federal wild life marshal here me or you?” “Neither of us, actually. But it doesn't matter.” She turns to director Joss Whedon. “Where should we take it from?” “Take it from these nuts, bitch!” a man blusters from the distance. “What's the motherfucking name?” “Snoop Doggy Dogg?” Kate replies with a head shake. “Naw, bitch, Vinny Santana!” says the man himself, entering in full Joker from Batman costume. “Affleck's finally gone off the deep end.” Kate laments with a depressed face.******** Krista's weary legs, and tired body make no bones about their distaste for expansive movement and force her into checking for the lost referee in a nearby trailer. “Hello?” She peers into the lavishly decorated area. “ Clem, come on out, buddy! One of the groundskeepers found your tube of condisil cream! Here's the match over here, Clem! And here's your head, far away from the match and jammed right up your wrinkled ass! Get out here now!” “What are you doin..” A female voice calls out, but stops short to instead say, “Oh, it's you! Finally!” Peering from behind the counter is Oscar award winning actress and dead ringer for Krista, Charlize Theron. She leaves behind her pot of gumbo to dart to the doorway and give a throughly confused Krista an enormous hug. ******* “Didn't your agent tell you?” Charlize asks. “I'm playing you in Dying to FIT in: The story of Krista Isadora Duncan! It's a movie about your life! I can't believe that dirt merchant prick of an agent never mentioned it to you. “I have studied every aspect of your life, Krista"I know your hopes, your dreams, your thoughts and fears. I know that you want more for your life then putting out thirty minute exercise videos to help lonely housewives get a better bikini butt. I look into your beautiful blue eyes and see a sad soul crying out, when lord, when? When can your lowly servant be free of this immature, ditzy life partner, Alix, to whom I am a constant victim of her every gaffe, every folly, every fault, so much so that it has pushed me to most dangerous stages of alcoholism and drug abuse. Fuck! When, lord? When I goin' be free?”***** The clips are completed with a sparkling rendition of the oaost logo hovering above an army of roving movie premier-esque spotlights. We then return to the announce team. COLE I don't get Krista's “no resemblance” comment, she and Charlize Theron look exactly alike. I can't believe Krista doesn't see it! COACH That..that..THAT'S THE JOKE YOU MORON! I don't think I can stomach another five years with you. How? How are you so stupid?Magnum Opus hits, and Alfdogg is showered with boos as he walks to the ring in his street clothes. COLE And it looks like Alf is going to join us here! Alf walks to the ring, barely acknowledging the fans, then climbs in and walks over to the other side, grabbing the mic from the timekeeper. COLE Alf came up short at AngleMania, losing to Thunderkid in a barbed-wire ladder match for the Heartland title! COACH He put up a hell of a fight though, you have to admit, Cole! COLE That he did, people will remember that match for a long time! Alf holds the mic in the center of the ring, pausing briefly. ALF First of all, my loss on Sunday has no influence on what I'm about to tell you people. Two of the toughest stars in the history of wrestling went toe-to-toe, and Thunderkid came out on top. *crowd cheers* ALF But despite that...what I'm about to tell you people has been in the making for several months. You see, for five years now, I've been through it all. I've fought through them all...and most importantly, I've beaten them all. Anglesault, CWM, Caboose, Tony Brannigan, Zack Malibu...you name him, I've beat him. *mixed reaction* ALF That's right, I've beaten them all. There's NO ONE LEFT. Which is why tonight, I come to you after five years, to say...it's over. COLE/COACH ALF That's right. I've got nothing left to prove in the OAOAST. I've been the World champion twice, something only the greatest of the great...and Drek Stone...can say. More Heartland titles than anyone has ever won. I've won the Lethal Rumble match, the list goes on and on! And frankly, there's nothing to add to it, so, once again...it's over. COACH I don't believe this, Cole! COLE Is Alf really walking out of the OAOAST? Alf lays the mic down in mid-ring and starts to leave. But as he climbs through the ropes... (voice from the aisleway) Whoa, whoa, you can't leave yet! Alf looks out, to see AXEL making his way towards the ring with a briefcase! COLE That looks like Axel, Coach! The camera gets a close-up shot of him. COACH That IS Axel, Cole! COLE But why? And what does he want with Alfdogg? AXEL You can't leave! You haven't made the big announcement yet! COACH But what could be bigger than Alf hanging up the boots? Alf grabs his mic again as Axel climbs into the ring. ALF Oh, THAT announcement. What was I thinking? All right, let me tell you people a little story. You see, a little over two years ago, I made a brief foray into the promoter business. CWM joined up with me, and together, we started up World Domination Wrestling, or WDW. At the first show, Rebirth, on December 26, 2004, WDW crowned its first World champion...yours truly. *crowd boos* ALF Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, we were never able to get it off the ground after that. Alf mockingly hangs his head, and Axel pats him on the back. AXEL That's where I came in. Despite the hardship the fed had fallen on, Alf retained the rights to it. And a few months ago, after I was FORCED OUT by old man Watts and Anglesault, he officially sold me the fed, and I made him the promise that I would find the brightest young talent to rebuild the fed underground. And in just a few short weeks, WDW will resurface! *mixed reaction* AXEL And one last thing, Alf...I've got a little present for you. Axel opens up the briefcase, revealing a championship belt with "WDW" across it. (Funny note: I actually typed "WCW" at first.) A sly smile comes across Alf's face as Axel hands him the belt, and he drapes it across his shoulder. AXEL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the longest reigning champion in the wrestling world...the WDW World heavyweight champion, ALFDOGG! *crowd boos* ALF That's right, over two years and counting...and it's JUST BEGINNING.Magnum Opus hits, and Alf and Axel depart the ring. COLE I don't know what to say, Coach! Apparently Alf has moved on from the OAOAST, and he and Axel have promised the come-uppance of World Domination Wrestling! COACH I don't know either, Cole, but anything powered by those two you can bet will be a serious force to be reckoned with! COLE And what's all this about Axel being forced out of office? I think Axel was just jealous that he didn't have full control anymore! COACH I don't know what to think anymore, Cole!Commercial break Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 And now, another OAOAST 5th Anniversary MomentStairway to Hell match School's Out May 28th, 2006 Alf stands and, with the help of Hebner, sweeps all the broken and unbroken tubes out of the ring. Alf looks over to the ladder and a roar comes up from the crowd (mixed with a small but vocal amount of boos). COLE Alf's got nothing in his way now. Alf walks over to the ladder.....and walks past it. He leans against the ropes and looks up at the ladder, at Knight, and back up at the ladder again. He climbs through the ropes and, after shaking his head and clearing the blood from his eyes, climbs to the top turnbuckle, the same corner where the ladder is. COLE What is he doing? Alf puts his hands on the top of the ladder to steady himself and looks up to the rafters, seemingly asking for some divine help before he hops up......leapfrogging OVER the top of the ladder....... *WHAM* "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" And driving his body into Knight with a Five Star Alf Splash! COACH WHAT!? CABOOSE You have got to be kidding me! COLE Alfdogg just leapfrogged a ten foot ladder and hit the Five Star Alf Splash on Peter Knight. I have NEVER seen anything like that in my life! COLE We're back on HeldDOWN as we celebrate five years of the OAOAST. That Stairway to Hell match was a brutal classic between two great stars in Alfdogg and Peter Knight. COACH But what was that WDW buisness all about earlier? COLE I have no idea, Coach. I remember some smaller federations being spun off from the OAOAST, but I thought they all fizzled out. "You break the laws You hustle, you deal, you steal from us all Come on come on, lovin' for the money Come on come on, listen to the Money talk Come on come on, lovin' for the money Come on come on, listen to the Money talk Money talks" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH Oh boy! COLE Well, this should be most interesting. AC/DC's "Money Talks" brings the crowd to their feet, eager to show off their fancy signs and banners (why do people always use bright green and bright pink!?), most of which reading along the lines of 'Why Jade, Why'. And with a little patience they may just find out, as The Enterprise pile out through the entrance doors en mass, including their newest acquisition. Jade looks distinctly different from when we last saw her, sporting a new hair colour and clad in a less than glamorous tracksuit she walks in between Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright at the front of the group. The Beverly Hills Blonds in their pastel blue suits and Mackenzie DeCenzo follow after them. And at the back of the group, the bigman, Christopher Patrick Allen marches with his head held high. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... THE ENTERPRISE!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Well, technically The Enterprise had a less than impressive night last week at AngleMania, coming out 0 for 3. But as Theodore Moneymaker will claim to anyone willing to listen, The Enterprise came away with a psychological victory after their 'recruitment' of Jade Rodez. And hopefully we're going to get an explanation here tonigh as to why Jade has basically turned her back on everyone and everything she held close to her, to join up with Moneymaker and co. COACH What explanation do you need? It's all about the benjamins Cole, THAT'S the only explanation you need! The Enterprise converge on the ring and assemble in front of the booing crowd, the ring looking pretty full with the now seven Enterprise members. Dismissing Michael Buffer, Theodore Moneymaker takes the microphone and signals for the music to be cut, the booing that replaces it not bothering him in the slightest. Just the opposite infact. MONEYMAKER "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH They certainly don't look like losers, huh Mikey? MONEYMAKER Like music to my ears! Isn't it ironic, that rather than laugh The Enterprise out of the arena tonight, you impoverished Canadians are on your feet showing your jealousy just like all the other nine-to-fivers around the world? Isn't it ironic? I'm sure six days ago, you were all laughing away to yourselves at my expense. Chicks Over Dicks are still the OAOAST World Tag Team Champions. D*LUX are still the HI-YAH World Tag Team Champions. The Enterprise didn't win the gold at AngleMania. And yet, you people can't rub our faces in our own mess, because you realise that I possess more gold in my stately Money Manor than Fort Knocks itself! "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" The crowd rise to chant the initials of the still Tag Team Champions. But even that can't campen The Enterprise's spirits. MONEYMAKER Then, you thought you could laugh at our expenses again, when my Directory Of Security Christopher Patrick Allen was eliminated from the Battle Royal. And yet, again, you people can't rub our faces in that either, because you realise that The Billion Dollar Heir has more Money In The Bank than even my close personal friend Donald Trump has! MUWAHAHAHAHA!! "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" MONEYMAKER You see, you people can chant 'COD' all you want. But the fact is, COD aren't here and The Enterprise are. Why? Because right now, they're ASHAMED! They are ashamed, shame that cannot be consoled even with those OAOAST Tag Team Titles. They thought they could rub mine and Christian's faces into our defeat at AngleMania. And yet, it is they that are too ashamed to show their faces tonight! There will be no 30 minute monologues from those two gutter dwellers here in Vancouver. Because one way or another last night, they learnt one very valuable lesson, just like each and every single one of you nickel n' dimers did... MONEY TALKS!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Sounds like these people don't agree. COACH Well, they have to pay for things in Canadian dollars, what do they really know about money? MONEYMAKER Money Talks and BS Walks! I know that! Ned Blanchard and Simon Singleton know that. Mackenzie DeCenzo knows that. They live the lifestyle they were born to lead, thanks to my wealth! Christian Wright knows that. His career has never been more promising than it has since joining up with The Enterprise! CPA knows that. His life has taken an upturn from the days of dealing with the great un-washed outside grotty nightclubs. Now, he frequents the VIP sections instead of just watching the door. And now, Jade Rodez knows what we all know! A warm round of applause sparks up from The Blonds and Mackenzie. Jade just continues to look ahead at nothing or no-one in particular, sullen. "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" MONEYMAKER Jade Rodez realised that Money Talks! And the sooner each and every one of those never-were, never-will-be also-rans in that OAOAST locker room realise that, the better it will be for them. We sent a message to the world on Sunday night, that Money Talks, no matter WHO you are! No matter how 'honourable' you misguided, deluded blood-sucking fans believe your favourite 'superstar' is... no matter how much you cheer for them like the lemmings that you are... sooner or later, Money Talks for EVERYBODY! And tonight... Moneymaker ducks into the crowd of associated and leads CPA into the front. MONEYMAKER Tonight, you're all gonna get another lesson in the power of the almighty Billion Dollars! MUWHAHAHAHAHA! Bring out the jaybrone who thinks they can beat my man! Moneymaker drops the microphone and as the rest of The Enterprise begin to leave the ring... "You say its urgent Make it fast, make it urgent Do it quick, do it urgent Gotta rush, make it urgent" ..."Urgent" by Foreigner hits, bringing out the team from The OAOAST First Responders Unit, Rescue 911! EMT Tim marches behind Officer Bosley, who is the one dressed and ready to compete tonight. But both 911ers dish out the handslaps to the fans regardless. COLE Well, ahead of this match we caught up with Officer Bosley for some comments, let's hear what he had to say...OAOAST A small square box SWOOPS~ in and settles on the upper right hand side of the picture. There, Officer Bosley and EMT Tim stand in front of a grey OAOAST backdrop. OFFICER BOSLEY You know, myself and my partner EMT Tim Cash here have dealt with Mr. Moneymaker's greed and gluttony before. But even we were stunned at the actions of The Enterprise last Sunday night at AngleMania. Myself and Tim live by 3 basic principles: Serve the public's trust, protect the innocent, and uphold the law. Well, Theodore Moneymaker, you have continued to refuse to live by the standards and the practises that we uphold. You have broken the public's trust in what is fair and good. You have floughted the law. And where-as we look to protect the innocent, you exploit them. Well tonight Mr. Moneymaker, you and your cohorts are going to learn that crime doesn't pay! EMT TIM And to all you kids out there watching: remember, be good to your families.HELDDOWN~! Back to live action and Officer Bosley has stripped of his entrance attire and is ready to go. On the apron, Moneymaker whispers some last minute instructions in his Director Of Security's ear and pats him on the shoulder before joining the rest of his Enterprise on the floor. COACH Man alive, what a cornball this Bosley is! COLE He's an upstanding citizen, which is more than I can say for the six people gathered around the corner in front of us... well, five. I don't know what to make of Jade's involvement. Hell, that speech from Moneymaker didn't explain anything! COACH Sure it did. Money Talks. Do I have to draw you a diagram or something? *DINGDINGDING!* The bell sounds at referee Brian Hebner's call and CPA stalks towards Officer Bosley straight away. Bosley circles, trying to keep out of reach of the ex-bouncer. But he soon finds himself cornered and his eyes dart around looking for an escape, trying to dodge out left. Allen catches him though, barging him back into the corner, so Bosley tries to sneak out left. Same result, CPA simply manhandling the 265 pounder and rearing back ready to deliver a right hand. Which allows Bosley a window of escape, crawling out through CPA's legs and catching him as he turns around with a right of his own! Another! Three, four, five, Officer Bosley dishing out his own brand of justice tonight! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The crowd need little encouragement to get behind Bosley, especially with the rest of The Enterprise within earshot. Moneymaker looks a little anxious as Bosley whips CPA across the ring into the opposite corner. Turning on his heels, Bosley then follows in... but CPA gets his boot up! And as the Officer staggers backwards, CPA explodes out of the corner with a thundering clothesline!! MONEYMAKER "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE No finesse from Christopher Patrick Allen there. COACH He's not hired for finesse. He's hired to kick some ass and that's exactly what he does, else he wouldn't be on Theodore Moneymaker's payroll! CPA drags Bosley up by the hair and just HEADBUTTS him right in the side of the head! Into the corner falls Bosley, leant up against the middle turnbuckle, Moneymaker marching around ringside and putting the badmouth on the Officer! EMT Tim sees this and thinks about doing something about it, but he's woefully out-numbered and thinks better of it. COLE Intimidation tactics here from The Enterprise. I really don't see why any of these outside parties should even be at ringside, but I guess the referee feels it best to just get on with things. Again dragged up by the hair, Bosley is simply scooped and slammed in the centre of the ring by Christopher Patrick Allen. Now it's Ned leaning through the ropes and adding his own commentary to proceedings, as CPA backs off the ropes and drops a big elbow across the chest, leaning into a cover... 1... 2... No! "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" On the outside EMT Tim starts up the chant in hopes of encouraging his partner, the Vancouver crowd jumping all over the chant the moment The Enterprise try and stop it. Meanwhile CPA whips Bosley off the ropes, lazily throwing his arm out with a clothesline. He doesn't reckon on Bosley's speed though as he ducks underneath and shoots back off the ropes, soaring through the air with a Diving Clothesline that knocks the bigman off his feet! "YYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" COLE There we go, a little bit of encouragement from Bosley! Climbing back to his feet, Bosley waits on CPA, encouraging him to get back to his feet. Around turns CPA, right into a dropkick from the Officer! A second dropkick puts CPA down as soon as he reaches his feet! And a third time CPA gets dropped, Bosley pumping his fist as the adrenaline begins to flow! Moneymaker pounds the apron, yelling at CPA to get it together as he turns into Bosley, aiming high with a Roundhouse Kick... BLOCKED! Allen catches the leg over his shoulder and hauls Bosley up onto his shoulders for a Powerbomb... ...but Bosley leans back and COUNTERS with a Hurricanrana, reaching back for the legs... 1... 2... NO!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Bosley looks suprised but doesn't question his fellow dictator of the law Brian Hebner. He again encourages CPA to his feet, brushing past him on his way to the ropes as he springboards to the middle rope and soars backwards for the elbow... ...CAUGHT... ...and DUMPED right on the back of his head, as CPA counters the elbow with a big back suplex!! "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE MAN! What a suplex from the bigman! He folded Bosley up on that one! The Enterprise (apart from Jade) all applaud that one, as Bosley uncoils and lies motionless on the canvas. CPA shows little emotion though as he lifts Bosley right back up and dumps him into the ropes. This time on the rebound there's no signs of evasion from Bosley, as he gets scooped up into CPA's arms and drilled with a big-time Powerslam, dead centre in the middle of the ring! "TED - DY SUCKS!" "TED - DY SUCKS!" "TED - DY SUCKS!" "TED - DY SUCKS!" The Vancouver crowd get on Moneymaker's back for his celebrations over the move, CPA seemingly toying with the Officer now as he neglects to make a pin. COACH We didn't see much of it at AngleMania, but now we're seeing what CPA has to offer. Two big moves have totally turned the tide of this match. COLE Yes, Officer Bosley may be a tag team wrestler but he's still a 6'5, 265 pound opponent, that CPA looks about to put the finishing touches on. "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" Peeling Bosley up off the canvas, CPA grabs him in a gutwrench. On the outside Moneymaker nods his head and Simon gives the signal that it's OVAH~! as CPA then deadlifts Bosley up onto his shoulder, carrying him around for just a couple of seconds before dropping to his knees and pancaking Bosley down to the canvas with the Dominator!! COACH DAMN! From there, it's academic, The Enterprise counting along... 1... 2... 3!! *DINGDINGDING!* COACH Impressive! Marching up the ring steps, applause rains down on CPA from Moneymaker as he enters the ring. CPA stands over Bosley, looking down at the Officer, as he earns pats on the back all around. BUFFER Your winner of the match... Christopher Patrick Allen, C... P... A!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Bosley is rolled out of the ring and tended to by EMT Tim, who certainly chose the right profession in his partner's eyes right now, as The Enterprise continue to lord it up in the ring. Demanding the microphone, Moneymaker grins from ear to ear as the music fades again. MONEYMAKER Just another example... Money Talks, B.S Walks!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! "Money Talks" hits again to the roaring jeers of the crowd. The Enterprise congratulate each other on a job well done, odd considering CPA did all the work, high-fiving and back-slapping all round before the group begin to make their way back to what will no doubt be a lavish celebration party. Jade is helped lady-like from the apron as is Mackenzie, Moneymaker pointing up to where EMT Tim is helping Bosley to the back and starting up one last laugh from the group. COLE The Enterprise at their pompous best here tonight here on our 5th Anniversary. And we are still no closer to knowing just why Jade Rodez turned her back and joined the ranks, no explanation. Jade strangely quiet here tonight. COACH The work you're looking for is dignified. COLE Oh please! I still want to know how she justifies herself, alligning herself with Theodore Moneymaker. Alligning herself with The Beverly Hills Blonds and Mackenzie DeCenzo, after all they've done to her in the past and the total humiliation they subjected her to when she was forced to be Ned's slave for 90 days! Why? That's what I want to know! And don't give me that 'Money Talks' nonsense, no amount of money could be enough to justify her actions! COACH Not even billions of dollars? COLE Well, I'd like to think not. COACH Then you're as deluded as these people that Teddy's trying to teach his lesson to. Money makes the world go around! Jade just realised that, that's all. COLE Well, in that case she's not the level-headed young girl we all thought she was. More to come here on HeldDOWN~! --------------------------------------------*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING* No more lessons No more books No more teacher's dirty looks! SCHOOL'S OUT May 27th --------------------------------------------- Suddenly, Medal hits and the crowd explodes as Anglesault, using a cane to help him walk, steps through the doors with a microphone in his hand. ANGLESAULT Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to take a moment here to come out and publicly say a few words of thanks. First and foremost, I have to thank everyone in that locker room that comes out to that ring and doesn't hold anything back for you fans. "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" AS I'd like to thank everyone in the production crew. From the ring hands to the lighting people to the director in the truck, thank you for a tireless job making sure that every OAOAST program is of top quality when it is beamed to people around the world. "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" AS But most of all, thank you to the fans for sticking with us through these five years. Without you, there would be no OAOAST, no Zack Malibu, no Anglesault, no HeldDOWN, no AngleMania. On behalf of everyone in the OAOAST family, THANK YOU!!! "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"Medal hits again as a misty-eyed Anglesault looks around at the crowd."O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!"Commercial break Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 We're transported to a lavishly decorated dressing room, resplendent with gorgeous furniture, elaborately arranged bouquets of flowers, and intricately styled paintings. The flooring, however, stands out in morose contrast to the lovely surroundings, as it's been littered with a terrible bounty of half eaten brownies, cookie crumbs, mushed snack cakes, and an innumerable amount of empty wrappers that once contained various fattening foods. One's first guess might be to assume Jivin JR has gone overboard in his celebration of the oaoast's birthday. But when the camera swivels around it spots the despondent figure of Krista Isadora Duncan, in the unusually drab attire of black sweat pants and white t-shirt, lying on a leather couch, her normally beautiful face, beaten by an incredible sadness. Within seconds, her partner, Ally bursts through the door. Wearing a skinny green and white striped A&F polo shirt, and heavily destroyed cropped jeans, Alix has her good mood erased when she eyes the landfill of garbage that's taken over her dressing room. ALIX Woah! Oh my god, Krissy. Are...you...kidding me? Ally carefully steps through the minfield of snack treats, trying her best to mask her disgust and shock at Krista's uncharacteristic binging. Krista doesn't even bother to acknowledge Alix's arrival, her eyes preoccupied with an infinite sadness. ALIX Eww, Krissy this is ri-donk-ulous! Like, seriously, this is the grossest thing ever. Tell me this is, like, some sort of performance art piece that I'll never in a twenty gazillion years be smart enough to understand, but will love you forever for anyway. Change that to hate you forever, as Alix notices that among all the cookie wrappers not a one says Miss Spezia's Sweeties. ALIX Snackwells cookies? Oh my god, Krista, if you're gonna go for the Carny Wilson pre-gastric bypass surgery look, can you least give Miss Spezia's Sweeties a little business? Why are you eating all this junk anyway? KRISTA Because when I called the hospital to send over some sort of IV to just pump the lard and sugar into my viens they hung up on me. The normally spaced out Alix has a grounding realization as to the source of Krista's mental malaise. ALIX Ooooooh, I get it, you're crazy upset about the whole Jade, Enterprise thingie, huh? KRISTA Upset? Me? No, perish that thought! Perish it! I am in no way shape or form, or formed shape, or shaped form upset. Gah! I can't believe you would even suggest that, Al! I am “rip out Theodore Moneymaker's intestines with a rusted screwdriver and use them to skip rope and floss my dogs teeth with” pissed off right now. But upset? Heavens no, my sweet, heavens no. ALIX Awwww, poor baby! With a heavy sigh, Ally lifts Krista's head off the couch, and situates it onto her lap as she sits down to console the soul sick woman. ALIX Just because you wanna use Theo's intestines as a lasso, doesn't mean you gotta act like Indiana Jones and raid the lost temple of Frito Lay. Krissy, you're supposed to be the queen of fitness. Don't you have an example to set for the millions of people around the world who model their lives after you, and who's millions of dollars keep us in that nice ten million dollar home, and keep us driving that brand new BMW, that I just told you I bought right at this exact moment. Oopsie! Anyway, you can't just start inhaling eighty billion ice cream cakes. That'd be like the king of soul, James Brown selling out and doing a show for redneck WCW. That'd never happen! Oh wait. Bad example. While Alix laments her failure to chastise Krista, the fitness queen sprays what's left of a bottle of cheese whiz into her mouth. ALIX Okay, I got something that's really gonna get your spirts off...er, up, well, both actually. Alix leans in close to Krista and whispers into her ear. Whatever Alix said, the words have the magic touch and begin to pry away the veil of sadness clogging Krista's mind. KRISTA Really? You'll do that? Well, I mean, I guess it wouldn't kill me to take a little time out from my fast moving relationship with this debilitating depression. ALIX (seductivly) I've even got a costume. Suddenly Krista perks up with excitement, forgetting for the moment her emotional distress. KRISTA Janet from Three's Company? ALIX Even better! Horshack! KRISTA The Sweathog? ALIX My favorite one! He sure gave that Principal Woodman all he can handle Ooo! Ooo ooo! Mistah Kottah! Mistah Kottah! Waaaaait a second, that's it! That's what I'll name my strip club! Arnold's Horshack! Isn't amazing how these just come to me? Uh, what we're we just doing? Oh, yeah wallowing in self pity. Um...you smell nice. What are you wearing? KRISTA Valentino Rock N Rose. ALIX Oh, oh, oh, very butch. Smelling is a really, really, powerful thing. Did ya know that? Yessir, the queen of all the senses. Sight is just the bouncing of light, hearing is only filtering sound waves, touch is way crude and hella overrated. But smell is little teeny weeny molecules, a lil part of someone floating through the air and entering you, whether you want it or not. And if ya don't like it, POOF, vamoose, no more, rejected just like that. But if you do like this other person, entering you, becoming part of your senses, then the nose tells the heart-the mind, the body-what it wants. And then taste, the tongue, explores, finding out what's edible, or maybe what's most delectable about this soul that's invaded your air. KRISTA Do you know what I smell? I smell a cesspool of two bit scumsucking shitheels. I smell a sewer of insignificant dried out little turds who might as well have killed Jade, one of our best friends in front of our very eyes. And now the corpse of the girl we once knew is rotting away in the revolting bowels of The Enterprise. And unless you can do something to bring her back, and I don't think you can, there's nothing that can be done to make me feel any better. ALIX Okie dokie artichokie. Strike two, Alix. How about ya go for the big strikeout, you're doing famously terrible so far. I know what would really cheer you up, Krissy! Why don't I bust out the Ipod and we can rock out to Dark Side of the Moon? KRISTA (more depressed then before) Yeah, right. Pink Floyd sucks. ALIX KRISTA You heard me. White trash trucker music. ALIX (trying to soothe her burning rage) Okay, just because you're a little bit angry right now doesn't mean you have to be blasphemous. Suddenly there's a knock on the door, and thank the lord for that because otherwise we were about to see the break up of Chicks Over Dicks over an overrated, intellectually pompous rock band. Ally, being the only one with the willpower to get up, goes to answer the door. She isn't at all surprised to find that the source of the knocking comes from D*LUX. Without their manager, Jade, the two boys look like lost puppies caught in a rainstorm. Their eyes are filled with sadness, and their faces sag with a permanent frown of deep depression. ALIX Hiya, boys. Uh, hella bad news. I'm sorry, but Krissy's feeling kinda not so hot about the whole you know who doing you know what, so I think we're just gonna have to cancel my erotic pottery class tonight. Okie dokie? Tyler, don't look like that! I know you laid out the blueprints for the cervix and everything, but mother's day is months away, there's plenty of time to make her the world's creepiest gift. TYLER That does kind of stink. But we're really here to talk to you know who about you know who doing you you know what, so we know who can stop doing we don't know what when we don't know why? ALIX Ooooookay, do you see the pink liquidy stuff running out my nose right now? That's my brains that you just melted. So while I take my shirt and wipe up my Temporal lobe, why don't you bitchin' dudes tell me what's up? Trying to speed this doorway conversation along, Shayne buts in front of Tyler to get to the point. SHAYNE We have to talk to Krista about Jade and The Enterprise, Ally. ALIX Yeah, I don't really think you wanna, ya know, mention that for the next, oh I don't know, half century. Unless you're totally stoked on possibly having your testicles crammed into your esophagus. And some guys are, I don't really judge. It's how my dad put me through college. TYLER Please, Alix. We just need some help, we're so lost right now. It's been such a hard week. We know you understand. Tears begin to form in the corners of Tyler's eyes, which truly touches Alix's heart, because when a man cries it's beautiful thing. Truly. Honestly. Patty ain't bullshiting here. Let's cry together and forever. ALIX Well, Krista always says I don't turn anything down but the covers, so go-go Gadget Go. It's your funeral. Or, to be more accurate it's your rapidly decaying bodies through the use of flesh mleting acids, that I'll be throwing over a bridge after she chokes you to death with Chunky Monkey ice cream. Granted permission by Krissy's caretaker for the night, Shayne and Tyler dart into the room, kneeling before Krista's dejected spirit as though she were a holy deity able to make everything right. SHAYNE Miss Krista, Miss Krista, thank god we found you! KRISTA You say that like I was hard to find. You could've looked in a muddy ditch, a bar, the dumpster behind the bar, detox, a Weezer concert, or any other place where the the emotionally shattered, or the mentally forlorn go to wait for the chilling arrow of death to pierce the cancerous blackness that was once their heart. Or Dairy Queen, I like Dairy Queen. TYLER Miss Krista, we really need your help, Leon isn't here, he's MIA. And you're the only one with any brains around here. What can we do about Jade? We need some ideas because this situation is tearing our heats apart. When you..you...invest all your trust, and your love, and your hopes into someone, and you make them family, and they just turn around and without warning or any signs, jam a knife straight into your gut, that kills you. Not suddenly, not even quickly, but there is a strong hint of death as you trudge through life without the person who pretty much left you to die. SHAYNE He's right. This has been pure murder, like the slowest death sentence ever enacted. Every morning I wake up, and I think that we're going to meet Jade at the gym, or at the arena, that this isn't real, that this is only a terribly impossible dream. And it takes me long minutes to understand that this is our new reality. And I hate it! I can't stand it anymore. I've cried myself to sleep every night since Jade left. ALIX (hugging Shayne and Tyler) Awwwww that's so adorable. You dudes are so the sweetest things ever! KRISTA Yes, how deliciously charming. The lesbians and the teenage lady boys who cry beside them. We're ready for our own Lifetime special. Or our own little section reserved in hell. Same thing. I'm sure Regan and McCarthy will welcome us with open arms and bouquets of roses and kisses. Not having any idea who McCarthy is (damn public schools), Tyler continues to prod Krista for help. TYLER What are we going to do Miss Krista? KRISTA That all depends on whether or not physician assisted suicide is legal in this country. Taken by a sudden surge of male bravado, Shayne shoots his body off the floor and through trembling voice announces a rather brave idea. SHAYNE I say we meet The Enterprise in the ring, take them on four on five and get Jade back by force! They hurt us emotionally? Then let's hurt them physically! KRISTA If you're looking to kill yourself there are much better ways to do so then suicide by getting power bombed into an announce table by a three hundred pound ex convict named CPA. Trust me I've attempted many of them. Your problem is, you still think of The Enterprise like it's an actual stable, a collection of people that can be pinned, submitted or somehow defeated. You fail to realize that The Enterprise is no more then a stable then Ebola, The Avian Flu or SARS is a stable. The Enterprise is a virus. It's a virus that knows itself. And try as you precious little scamps might, you can't kill a virus that knows itself. All you can do is cry and then smile, because you'll learn to respect this incurable virus, because you'll learn to identify with it. Determined lowlife. Just like the rest of us. TYLER Then what we can do? KRISTA Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because Jade, mind, body and soul is now a registered trademark of the most evil, twisted, viscous bastard to ever snort coke in the Lincoln Bedroom, Theodore Moneymaker. My advice to you would be to forget the name Jade Rodez ever entered your mind. Leave the company, and fight every urge in your heart to look back with your last dying breath. You're talented kids, I'm sure you can land a new gig somewhere else. What do other people in your family do? What about your brother, Tyler? TYLER Uh....he's gay. KRISTA That's his job? That's what he does for a living? I've been at this for years, and I haven't seen a dime! I've seen everything else, fortunately and unfortunately, I gotta call someone, where's my gay4pay? Alright, Shayne, you weren't always in in a profession that predestined you die of a steroid induced heart attack before the age of forty, what did you do for a living before you got here? SHAYNE Computer school. KRISTA I asked you what you did for a living and you said computer school? So jobs requiring the usage of the braincells you may or may not have are obviously a no-go, which I guess, explains your current employment as professional wrestler. We'll find something. In the meantime, and I say this because I like you more then most men, which means if given the choice of drinking the unflushed toilet water in a New York City Subway or having to talk to you, I'd still choose the bowl of Man chowder, but I'd feel very guilty about it. Please try and forget about Jade. It's the best thing you can possibly do for yourselves. I'm sorry. And just know that when you do inevitably not follow these words wisdom, because no one ever listens to me, and you're ground into the tiniest Justin Timberlake impersonators in the country by the heel of Mackenzie's shoe, I'll will be there to put you back together so you can try and fail again. Now if you'll excuse me I have to prepare to be treated to the incredibly awesome match between the Militia and NRG. And I by incredibly awesome I mean mind-bendigly awful, and by treated to I meant tortured with, and by NRG, I mean....I guess I mean NRG. Happy birthday oaoast: Hope ya like shit! Shayne and Tyler sigh inwardly and bury their heads into the couch, more confused and lost then ever before. Ally tries to pressure Krista to say something motivational or inspirational, but she seems much to busy trying to peel away the wrapper on her block of cookie dough. After departing the COD dressing room, the view is returned to sold out GM Place. Standing within the center of the squared circle is newcomer to the oaoast Maggie Nerdly, in a black skirt and a black Led Zepplin t-shirt. Within her hands is microphone and it appears she'll be playing the role of Michael Buffer for this tag team contest. MAGGIE NERDLY What's up, Vancouver, BC?! “YEAAAAAAA!” MAGGIE OAOAST fifth anniversary! You excited to be here? “YEAAAAAAA!” MAGGIE Then let's get going with a tag team match! COLE That's really a very nice young lady. So positive and energetic. COACH And so very, very fine. God damn, she can get it. Dimepiece to say the least. These fans wouldn't know like I do, most they've ever been with was a rusty penny with a hole in it. And don't be saying nothing about age, Cole, if she's old enough to crawl, she in the right position. The house lights morph into a spooky darkness, as the arena is given light only by a humming green buzz shining around the entrance stage. The electronic prelude of Gavin Rossdale's ode to testosterone Adrenaline is heard loud and clear over the state of the art system. Those in the crowd that recognize the music bring a celebration of applause to the arena air. The black entrance doors marked by the OAOAST logo strewn across the front rip apart, and give birth to a small assortment of cheers from the audience members who are quited delighted to see NRG. Biff Atlas, sporting a crown made entirely of leaves, and a barely there hula skirt to cover up his ripped lower body , enters first, waving his fist towards the supportive crowd. Flex Phillips trails behind him, wearing bold aqua tights with the letters NRG etched across the back. The duo join hands and foist their arms into the air as a series of ten foot high blue pyro missiles explode around them. COLE Some say that the members of NRG have million dollar bodies but ten cent brains. There's no arguing their physiques are to die for, but washboard abs, and gorgeous pecs can only take you as far as my back seat. In the oaoast you need skill, grit and determination. I happen to know NRG has all three of those things but it hasn't translated into many wins. Maybe they'll be able to score a victory as we celebrate our fifth anniversary. MAGGIE This first team is made up of Venice Beach's Biff “Shampoooooo” Atlas and the most pumped up dude to ever come out of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Flex Phillips! Vancouver, give it up for Nutritions Real Gurus....N-R-G! No sooner then Maggie completes her announcement does Adrenaline cut away and all attention is focused upon the arrival of NRG's fearsome opponents. The metallic opening of Cross That Line by Rick Ross fills the arena with an urban scented dread. As the audience murmurs with anticipation, the formerly bright lights delve into a troubling blue hue.Convict....Convict....Convict Up front Yeah.... Convict Music While the haunting piano melody heightens the tension in the venue, scenes of The South Central Militia's special brand of havoc blaze across the Angletron, showing the alarmed fans what type of savage aggression the men who are soon to arrive are capable of.Oooooh ooooh oooooh If you ever cross that line I guarantee ya there'll be nothin' to save ya (save ya, save ya) I got a whole bunch of gorillas ready to pull the trigga And we all for that paper (paper) Comin' from a life of crime Tryna be on my best behavior You see my rep's gettin' bigger but still that same nigga bustin' shots at them haters (them haters, them haters) But only if you cross that line The colossal bass of Rick Ross' street anthem booms through the venue, heralding the arrival of the tag team title challengers. The entrance doors split apart, and jeers rise into the air as The South Central Militia steps through a cloud of smoke to take position on the entrance ramp. Wearing a pair of flared Red Monkey Jeans, decorated by a Chinese feudal map, and a black LRG throwback track jacket, Vincent Santana throws his arms out to his side, and unleashes a feral howl into the night sky. Blue and white lights glimmer beautifully across his sleek body as he releases his enormous rage upon the world. His partner, wearing Artful Dodger Jeans with a blue gothic pattern on the side, and a t-shirt boasting a giant symbol of a grenade, stands in solemn menace, intimidating any unlucky enough to meet his gaze. MAGGIE And now walking down the aisle with a mean gangster lean, they are the team that's gonna try and kick NRG's butts! From South Central Los Angeles, they are two men who'd just as soon shoot you as look at you, Vincent “Whitaaaaay” Santana, Marcellus “One-Eye” Wallace, THE SOUTH CENTRAL MILLITIAAAAAAAA! The spectators welcome the end of the introduction with more disdain for these sickening goons. Quite dissimilar to many teams, who usually don't pay attention to such disrespect from the audience, the natives of South Central dish out verbal trashing to each attendee they encounter until they reach the squared circle. They dive into the ring, and ascend to opposite turnbuckle where their fists pump into the air in defiant triumph. The camera rotates around their rebellious ritual, as the chilling blue lights continue to dance along the ringside area. COLE Former tag team champions, The South Central Militia were, believe it or not, still in prison the day of the oaoast's first show. I'm not even sure if they were allowed to watch the oaoast in their maximum security facility. But things have improved slightly for them since those fateful years, as they've picked up a short title reign, and have hung with some of the toughest teams in the world. But if they hope to remain in title contention a victory over NRG is a must.DING DING DING The affair begins with Biff extending a hand in respect towards One Eye. Wallace, as usual, is not in a sporting mood, and responds with a clubbing forearm to Atlas' back. The strike fails to floor Biff, which proves to be to his disadvantage, because Wallace is given the chance to whip him into the cables. Upon his return, the hula skirted brawler is shot into the air with a back body drop. But he avoids disaster by extending his legs forward and dropkicking Marcellus to the canvas. In celebration of his minor victory, Atlas does a bit of comedic hula dancing. While the audience seems to enjoy his clumsy dance moves, a long haired demon by the name of Vinny Santana is less then entertained. Shooting through the gates of hell, Vincent drives a pitchfork in the form of a lariat into the back of his rival. Watching his partner go down in flames draws Flex Phillips into the affair, but his path is halted by Charles Robinson. With the official distracted, the crew from the mean streets of LA double team poor Biff with savage stomps and elbows. And by the time the referee is made aware of the cheating, only Vinny remains in the ring. “SOUTH CENTRAL! IF YA HEAR ME GET YA MOTHER FUCKIN' HANDS UP!” Whitey bellows through cupped hands. This being far removed from south central, very few hands get up. What does get up is a number of boos from the sellout audience. Ignoring the jeers, Whitey brings Biff to his feet. What he can't ignore is the army of punches Biff is lobbing into his scrawny chest. Thus he's forced to resort to a headbutt. The move draws a bit of a blood, but from not Atlas, rather it's from Vinny. Smiling sheepishly, Biff points to the source of Vinny's cut, the thorns that outline his leaf covered crown. “Oh, you dead now.” Vincent mutters, clenched teeth almost turning into fangs. He surges forward with a lariat, but has it ducked by the oddball grappler. He turns around to throw the same move, but is instead dropped with a Lou Thez press! Punches begin to come rapid fire upon his goateed face, as the crowd delights in his mistreatment. “KILL WHITEY! KILL WHITEY! KILL WHITEY!” they scream. Those chants seem to be all the motivation Vincent needs, and with a beet red face he shoves his assailant off his skinny body. “KILL WHITEY?” He wonders. “AIN'T NO ONE KILLING THIS NO LIMIT THUG” He proclaims, beating his hands into his chest. Biff is unintimadted by these boastful words and makes a charge towards his rival. Unfortunately he's taken into the sky with a flap jack. Though he lands with a thud on the canvas, he can at least take comfort in knowing that he was able to tag in Flex before his landing. Phillips hits the ring and serves a knuckle sandwich to Vinny. Unhappy with that meal, Vince returns the favor with an elbow strike and soon a full on slugfest erupts in NRG's corner. But it's Flex getting the upperhand with a knee strike to Vinny's midsection. With the thug doubled over, Flex quickly moves to the second rope then flies off with shoulder tackle. A pin shortly follows. ONE TWO Vincent kicks out and immediately rises to his feet. Flex meets him with a pair of knife edge chops but his moment of offense is brutally cut-short by a surprise Whiteout (X-Factor). A crazed procession of stomps to Flex's head follows, each accompanied by lewd trash talk from the thirty three year old Californian. Once he's done with his stomps, Vincent scrapes Flex off the canvas and leads him to his corner where he applies the tag to his partner in crime, One-Eye Wallace. Unfortunately for the SCM, their planned double team dies before it's even born, as Flex bashes both of their heads together! This garners quite the reaction from the fans who chant “MILITIA SUCKS! MILITIA SUCKS!” COLE If they had any brains to begin with that might've scrambled them. One Eye is able to recover quicker then his associate, and as such succeeds in knocking Flex over the top rope with a lariat. Despite not being very agile, Phillips lands on his aqua colored wrestling boots. But he's quickly taken off those boots by a devastating running baseball slide from Vincent Santana. Snarling with primal satisfaction, Vinny eyes down a wounded Flex ready to throw him into the jaws of the steel barricade. But a charging Biff Atlas rescues his partner by using the ring steps as a launching pad to slam a butt bump into his unaware rival! “MILITIA SUCK! MILITIA SUCK!” the fans repeat, while the baby face stands above the fallen Vincent, spanking the tightly toned booty that's scarcely able to be covered by the skimpy hula skirt. COACH Why does he have to wear that stupid thing? COLE If Krista or Maggie or Staci or Lindsay were wearing it you wouldn't mind. COACH You say that like it's a bad thing. Flex rolls back into the squared circle but isn't able to capitalize on the unorthodox high flying of his partner; Marcellus locks him into a rear chinlock. The hold is tight, and One-Eye makes no bones about his intent to rip Phillips' thick neck clear off his body. Despite repeated warnings from the official, Wallace continues to push the bounds of legality, moving his chinlock into a chokehold. Somehow Flex is able to move to his feet, and while there he begins shooting a parade of elbows into One Eye's ribs. The seventh strike turns into a charm and grants Phillips his freedom, and he puts it to excellent use by bowling over One Eye with the Flex Express, which is best described as a Running Benoit Attack. I don't actually know what that is, but it does allow Phillips to attempt a pin on his rival. ONE TWO But Marcellus' shoulder is off the canvas! “TRY AGAIN! TRY AGAIN!” sing the fans who obviously can't stand The Militia. Flex would listen to their advice, however there's the tricky problem of One Eye not only being on his feet, but charging towards him with a running knee strike! Thankfully for the few NRG fans in attendance, Flex avoids the deathly attack, but he fails to maneuver past the Silver Bullet (Samoan Spike)! Phillips cries out in agony, as Marcellus' commensurates his move with a less then graceful bird dance. While One Eye is making a total ass of himself, Flex heads upright. Marcellus eyes his ascent and moves to meet him with an axe handle smash. But Flex clamps into a front facelock before the blow can land. He takes Wallace off his feet with a vertical suplex and plants him into the canvas, much to the pleasure of the sold out crowd. While One-Eye tries to cope with the intense pain in his back, his foe makes his way to his corner to bring Shampoo into the match. The Hair fetishist waits patiently for the groggy One Eye to stagger upright, and when he finally does, Atlas unleashes a springboard shoulder block upon him! But One Eye counters the high flying assault by cranking his arm around Biff's head and pummeling him into the canvas with a ddt! Biff's pain is enormous but it's only added to by the mounted punches his enemy slams into his forehead. COLE One-Eye looks like he's trying to bust him wide open! And he might have succeeded, had Flex Phillips not interjected himself into the fracas with a stomp to his rival's back. One-Eye is able to keep his temper in check long enough to forget about Flex's bothersome antics and maintain his focus on Biff. He thrusts the lovable goof into a front face lock, then uses his strength to drag him into the skies for a suplex. Instead of timbering downwards, the brute holds Atlas upside down in the air, showcasing his incredible power. After several seconds and a number of begruding Ooos and Ahhs from the crowd, One Eye falls backwards and spikes his opponent into the mat. Wallace then floats over onto the battered bones of Biff Atlas for a quick cover. ONE TWO But Atlas gets his shoulder off the mat, pleasing the fans in the process. One Eye leads Atlas to his feet, where he takes hold of his wrist to Irish whip Shampoo across the ring. Atlas reverses the momentum, however, and it's One Eye who's flung into the far turnbuckles instead... but the savage thug merely springs to the top turn buckle, then shoots back at his rival to lacerate him with a diving clothesline! COACH These dudes is looking sharp as they work their way back towards a title shot! Leaving Atlas to nurse his busted bones, One-Eye journeys to his corner and and returns Vincent to the affair with a tag. Whitey tucks his adversary into a tightly held reverse headlock. He then then sinks to one knee, using the other as knife to jab into Shampoo's neck. Still holding onto his battered rival, Vincent stands up, and this time falls to both knees to pulverize Biff with an inverted ddt. He drapes his arm across Biff's heaving chest for a pivotal pinfall. ONE TWO But Biff kicks out, earning applause from Flex and a few fans in the first three rows. “KILL WHITEY! KILL WHITEY!” the audience screams with vigorous passion. As he makes his way atop the highest turnbuckle, Vincent treats the vexatious crowd to a slew of profanity laced insults, not mincing any words as he let's them no what he thinks of their chants. His words only cause their insults and threats to grow louder, and internally he has to admit defeat, knowing he'll never be able to silence the glut of naysayers in his midst. Now standing on the top turnbuckle, he moves to take out his anger on Shampoo, launching himself off the top rope with a leg drop! But the high risk move has absolutely zero reward, for Biff rolls his body out of Vinny's path! “YEAAAAAA!” Whitey tries to clamber back upright, but the massive pain clogging his joints is too much to bear and slows him down considerably. Eventually he does make it to his feet but is promptly assaulted with a spinning back fist from the resurgent bodybuilder. The powerful strike staggers the Californian into the ropes , which bounce him right back into an exploder suplex courtesy of Biff “Shampoo” Atlas! COLE Did you see that suplex from Biff Atlas? What power! And so the great work of tagging in Flex begins in earnest for Biff. Unfortunately for him, Vinny isn't as nearly as crippled by the exploder as one would think, and just seconds after the move's completion has already begun stirring. Thus Biff is forced to worm across the canvas with grand speed, pushing away the pain in his neck and limbs. He finally reaches Phillips and a hot tag is made! Flex leaps over the ropes, a six foot three ball of HGH ingesting fire, and utilizes his brute strength to run through the incoming Vincent with a lariat! His furious gaze then sets it's sight onto Marcellus, who's tentaivly entering the squared circle. But before a clothesline can skewer One Eye's already less then pleasing facial features, the ex-convict makes a desperate plea for mercy. He points towards his coffee colored skin, then motions towards Flex's similarly colored complexion, and with sorrow filled eyes asks Flex to “please stop the black on black violence”. COACH Powerful message right there from One Eye. Tell it like it is, man. Gotta unite! In a move that's sure to infuriate Jesse Jackson, Flex ignores the call for racial unity and hoists Wallace into the sky in a gorilla press slam set up. As he screams in savage pleasure, and his vein filled body trembles with adrenaline, the audience marvels at his impressive show of strength. But they don't get the chance to see his move to completion, thanks to Vincent Santana rearranging the bodybuilder's face with a superkick! The powerful blow forces One Eye out of his tormentor's grasp, and into a lateral press. The second the pairing hits the mat, Robinson moves into position to count the resulting fall. ONE TWO But Biff Atlas overjoys the anti-SCM fanbase by breaking up the count with a running elbow drop. However, he's given no chance to bask in their cheers, as he must deal with Vincent Santana, rampaging towards him with a spear! Atlas leapfrogs Whitey, and the stringy haired thug is expelled through the ring ropes, much to the crowds' enormous glee. Somehow he's able to shift his legs in midair to land on his BAPE shoes and avoid a fatal collision. But this simply leaves him as a sitting duck for Biff Atlas' diving lariat to the outside! Whitey is able to move out of the way at the last possible moment, but Biff, owing to a criminally underrated agility, manages to plant himself firmly on his bare feet. When Vincent turns around to witness the pleasing sight of the hula skirted brawler splattered onto the mats, his vision is engulfed by an open handed palm strike from the crown prince of hair care! Santana recoils, several yellowed teeth dislodged by the ferocity of Atlas' strike. A spinning back elbow piles additional misery into his wounds, and would've knocked him clear off his feet were it not for the fact that he held onto the announce table for support. Detecting blood in the water, Biff attempts to devour his pray by surging forward to crush him with the Biff Upper Lip(running knee strike). But Vincent calls upon a surge of energy to collar him with a leg lariat! Biff is left stunned and dazed by the move, the momentum he had all but evaporated. COLE Biff got his clock cleaned by that kick! Letting loose a liberal stream of profanity, Vincent drags Biff to his feet, where he violently slams the man's head into the steel ring steps. A loud thud travels throughout the arena as Biff's flesh is torn by the jagged metal. Through the searing pain, Atlas makes an attempt to head upright, but it's an effort that's easily squashed by a clubbing forearm from Whitey Ford. Vinny isn't done with his decimating of Atlas, however, and snatches the bell away from the time keeper, giving rise to anticipating murmurs from the more bloodthirsty audience members. Taken with youthful curiosity, Maggie leaves her seat to get an up close inspection of the grizzly fate that's about to befall Shampoo. COACH Maggie, what are you doing, it's dangerous near those animals! Come over to Coach's lap where it's nice and safe. Atlas evades certain doom for a brief moment when he stabs his elbow into Whitey's midsection. The nutrition expert then rises to his full five feet eight inches in order to mount a counter attack against weapon wielding foe. Punches blaze across a dazed Vinny's face, as the capacity crowd roots the goofball from SoCal on. But after the sixth strike, Vincent becomes numb to the procession of attacks and finally obliterates Biff's skull with the brass ring bell! COLE No! That's uncalled for! “OOOOOOOH!” scream the crowd, stunned by the viciousness of Vinny's attack. The Venice Beach native plummets to the canvas, trailed by a geyser of his blood. The warm red goo splatters everywhere, landing atop the sadistic Santana, on the floor, the edge of the ring apron and even onto the suddenly surprised Maggie. Despite the gory assault that just occurred in front of her onyx eyes, Maggie holds a small smile on her face as her hands wipe away the blood from her black outfit. Looking down on the crimson liquid that runs through her hands brings a sharper smile into focus on the lovely young lady, but once she realizes that the camera is on her, her look turns to that of grave concern for the fallen Atlas. COLE I think Maggie is just excited to be witnessing all this great oaoast action! Meanwhile back in the ring (yes there's still a match going on!), Flex has his hands latched onto One-Eye's neck for his signature choke breaker. But the always underhanded, Wallace escapes the hold by simply driving his steel toed boot into the middle of Phillips' testicles. Neither the referee, nor the howling Flex approve of his questionable tactic, but One-Eye ignores their grousing as he gives Flex a taste of his own medicine, by setting him up for the chokebreaker. The situation grows even worse for Phillips when One-Eye's partner rejoins him in the ring and attaches his own hands onto Flex's neck. In spite of a round of spirited thrashing from the bodybuilder, the SCM succeed in picking him up and destroying him with The Bodybag (Double chokeslam)! COACH Oh snap! With Flex reduced into a puddle of quivering flesh, One Eye places a boot onto his chest to mark an arrogant cover. While Silverman counts the cocky fall, Vincent parades around the ring, flashing gang signs to the heated Canadians. ONE TWOTHREE!! The fans voice their displeasure for the outcome with groans and boos, but their disgust matters not to The SCM who celebrate their win by mugging for the camera and throwing up more gang signs for their gangstas back home and in the cell block. MAGGIE Lemmme hear ya for the winners, The South Central Milishaaaaaaaa! COLE The Militia picking up an important win on HeldDOWN!. A loss to NRG would've been a major set back as they look to return to the tag title scene in the oaoast. By winning they've proven that they can easily handle the lower echelon of teams... COACH It don't get much lower then NRG. Them fools is hot...hot garbage! COLE Perhaps, but Biff Atlas is in dire need of medical attention and when we return we hope to have an update of his condition.COMMERCIAL BREAK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanel #99 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 When the fifth anniversary of the oaoast returns, viewers are shown a site sorely lacking in a celebratory atmosphere; one of a medical room within the arena, looking as though it's been ransacked by a tornado, as medical staff is strewn about the floor a beaten and broken mess, and Biff Atlas lies slumped against the wall, the blood incurred from Vincent's attack now dribbling down his chiseled body. On his bruised and sore neck rest two deep gashes from which more of the crimson juice seeps out. And on that pleasant note we return it to sofa central. COLE What happened back there? Was that the work of the Militia? No, I doubt it, there's no monetary benefit in randomly attacking NRG after you've already beat them. It's not like them to act without the possibility of some kind of financial reward. COACH Who cares? After five years is this how far the oaoast has sunk? To wondering who may have or may not have jumped some asshole in a hula skirt? A hula skirt! Jesus tap dancing Christ! COLE Easy, Coach. And now, this OAOAST 5th Anniversary MomentAngleMania II Zack Malibu vs. Anglesault Zack, who has nearly had his foot torn off of his body by Anglesault, gets supported from the ring ropes in getting to his feet. Anglesault stays on him, coming for him right away, but Zack kicks him with his good leg, and hops over his back with a sunset flip...ANGLESAULT ROLLS THROUGH...He's got Zack by both legs...CATAPULT OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE...NO! NO! ZACK SKINS THE CAT! Anglesault sees this and grabs him...ANGLE SLAM...NO! NO! ZACK slips out, LANDING ON ONLY HIS LEFT LEG! ZACK LANDED ON ONE LEG! Kick to the gut...POP DROP! POP DROP! ZACK MALIBU COVERS! 1... 2... 3! * DING DING DING * JR Yes! The crowd ERUPTS. People jump to their feet. Zack Malibu, completely spent, rolls off of Anglesault and onto his back. LP The winner and NEW OAOAST world heavyweight champion... Zack Malibu! JR HE DID IT, JESS! BAH GAWD, WE HAVE A NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! -------------------------------------------------------AngleMania III Zack Malibu vs. Calvin Sczechstein Calvin can NOT believe this, but the crowd is RABID. Calvin stands up, kicking at Zack, stomping, whatever, yelling "why won't you DIE!" to his most hated opponent. He picks Zack up, then quickly grabs the arm, taking Zack to the mat as if he were Chris Benoit looking for a crossface, but before he can get a good grip on the arm, Malibu somersaults forward, dodging the potential submission, and as Calvin gets up to grab him.... ...SCHOOL'S OUT ON CALVIN STOPS HIM DEAD IN HIS TRACKS~! Malibu collapses across Calvin's body, not even able to hook a leg, as this cover is purely out of desperation! Earl Hebner slaps the canvas, as the crowd counts along... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! COLE YES~! HE DID IT~! HE DID IT~! COACH THAT'S MY BOY~! THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE~! CABOOSE I feel ill. The arena EXPLODES in cheers, as "Bring Me To Life" is cued up. Earl Hebner retains the World Title from Michael Buffer, who takes the microphone and makes the following announcement. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winner...and the NEW...WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK MAAAAAAAALIBUUUUUUUUUU~! -----------------------------------------------------OAOAST HeldDOWN June 9th, 2005 Tony Brannigan vs. Axel With his attention diverted, CWM jumps out over the barricade and slides into the ring. POLLYCUTTER ON AXEL! The fans gasp as CWM slides out of the ring and hops over the barricade again. Even Black looks shocked. With his eyes wide open, he slowly moves down to the floor, shaking his head slowly. Tony gets up dizzily and sees a prone Axel laying on the mat. He spots CWM running out through the crowd and knows exactly what's going on. He looks out to the fans for a second, then to Black who shrugs his shoulders with a frown on his face. It's almost like Tony doesn't know what to do. Finally, he picks Axel up off the mat and spikes him into the mat with the OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE! The fans gasp as the referee goes to make the count. ONE... TWO... THREE! * DING DING DING DING * VENTURA (laughing) He did it! A new Heavyweight Champion of the World. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match and NEW OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... TONY BRANNIGAN! The crowd roars in shock. Dan Black comes into the ring to celebrate with Tony. Both look a little reluctant, but they're happy nonetheless. Tony is particularly pleased, looking the happiest he has ever been with the title in his grasp. Even a good portion of the fans are cheering. From the crowd, CWM raises his arms up and claps. Meanwhile, DREK STONE, SCOTTY STATIC AND JOHNNY JAX step out onto the top of the ramp. With their arms crossed over their chest, they shake their heads disapprovingly. Tony and Black freeze as they spot these Upstarts staring at them. Axel picks his head up off the mat slowly, sees the three men standing up there, and realizes just what happened. He then drops his head back down to the mat, not believing what has just happened. COLE History has been made. We have a new World Heavyweight Champion. Tony Brannigan is now the OAOAST Champion. The OAOAST is officially under Brannigan's Law. COLE There you have a look at the biggest moments of two of the most recognized OAOAST stars in history. As a treat to the most loyal and best fanbase in the world, we have a special main event to wrap up our 5th Anniversary show. Let's take it up to Michael Buffer. MICHAEL BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest, set for one fall, is a special showcase match between two of wrestling's best. More importantly, it is a contest between two men who helped lay the foundation for this very company, bringing it to such recognition and notoriety around the world, that we celebrate it's Fifth Anniversary here tonight! The crowd roars with anticipation, and "Simply Ravishing" hits, bringing the crowd to their feet for a man who, no matter what side of the fence he's been on, has always been respected by the OAOAST supporters. BUFFER Coming down the aisle at this time, and hailing from Hollywood, USA. This man is one of the cornerstones of the OAOAST, and has been here since the Beltshot That Started It All. Weighing in tonight at two hundred and sixty two pounds, he is TONY, THE BODY, BRAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNIGAAAAAAN! Applause comes from all around as Tony struts across the apron and then enters the ring, circling it as the fans give him his much deserved props. Tony begins to take off his robe, and that's when his music stops, and another song starts...one that brings the crowd to its feet yet again! BUFFER His opponent, is a man known the world over as the Face of the OAOAST. Another man, having been here for the five years the company has existed, there is no other man or woman alive who can say that they've put as much blood, sweat, and tears into something as much as this man has. From Providence, Rhode Island, and weighing in tonight at two hundred and five pounds, he is the OAOAST's Franchise, ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK MAAAAAAAALLLLLIBUUUUUUUUUUUU! Zack walks to the ring acknowledging the fans on his way down the aisle. He hops up on the apron and locks eyes with Tony, then looks out to the crowd, who show their support for Zack in spades. Malibu enters the ring and hops up on the ropes, pumping his fists in the air, and welcoming the fan support with open arms. COLE They love the Originals here tonight, Coach! What a treat here, on our Fifth Anniversary Broadcast! In a show of respect, the two OAOAST Originals shake hands before stepping away from each other, allowing the bell to ring before they engage in battle. DING! DING! DING! COLE Here we go, two of the OAOAST's greatest, locking up in the center of the ring five years after the belshot that started it all! A lockup kicks things off, and Tony takes Malibu's under his arm, and works off the headlock for a few moments, until he's shot into the ropes by Malibu and hiptossed over! Tony gets up, and now Malibu grabs hold of him with a headlock. Tony struggles for a moment, then pulls Malibu off his feet, sending Malibu over his shoulders, only to land on his feet! Tony turns around and walks into a pair of chops, then gets sent to the ropes and nailed with a picturesque dropkick from the former World Champion! Tony rolls to the corner and gets up, wiping his arm across his mouth as he stands up, and moves towards Malibu again. COACH It ain't about hatred, it ain't about titles...this match, right here, is all about the history, baby! Tony and Zack circle each other again, this time with Zack using a double leg takedown! He struggles with Tony's legs, who kicks Zack off and immediately comes back to a standing position, and then blasts Zack with a running lariat when he gets to his feet! Tony drops on top of his fellow Original, and we've got the first fall of the match! ONE! KICKOUT! COLE Quick kickout by Malibu, who is definitely battle worn after last Sunday night. COACH So's my man T, having had to go at it with a bunch of other guys in that Money In The Bank Battle Royal! Tony pulls Zack up, then quickly snaps him over with a suplex. Tony gets up and then drops a quick elbow, and then covers Malibu again! ONE! KICKOUT! Tony brings Zack up again, but Zack shoves him off, and into the ropes. Malibu drops his head, but Tony stops short of being sent over with a back bodydrop, nailing Malibu with a kick! Zack staggers upwards, and Tony grabs him and delivers a scoop slam before running the ropes and dropping another elbow into Zack's chest! As Tony gets up, Zack rolls out under the bottom rope and onto the apron, evading the offense of "The Body" as he looks to recover! Zack pulls himself up with the ropes giving some help, but Tony comes right over and looks to take Zack back into the ring! He readies Zack for a suplex from the apron to the inside, but Malibu frees himself from Tony's grip and lands behind him, rolling him up with a schoolboy! ONE! T-KICKOUT! Barely a two, as Tony is quick to kick out just as Zack was earlier. As they get up, Zack comes from behind and grabs Tony in a rear waistlock, trying to take him over with a German suplex! Tony's not having it, as he fires an elbow back to break, then uses a rear waistlock of his own! Zack fires back an elbow as well, breaking Tony's attempt, and then snapmares T-Bod over, following up with a hard running kick to his back! Tony winces as Zack hops over him and runs to the ropes, coming off with a seated dropkick...THAT MISSES! Zack crashes and burns, and Tony immediately dives on top of the popular prep and hooks a leg! ONE! T-KICKOUT! COLE Malibu escapes again, and listen to this crowd, applauding the efforts of two of our greatest! The crowd is cheering wildly as Tony leads Zack up, shooting him to the ropes and catching him on the rebound with a side slam that drives him into the canvas! With Zack down, Tony circles him, then ducks out to the apron...and starts climbing the turnbuckles! COACH Air Tony! COLE Tony Brannigan's never really been one to utilize the top rope, but it looks like he's ready to risk it all right now! Tony climbs to the top, but before he can get his balance, Malibu gets up and races across the ring, leaping from the canvas onto the ropes, and HIPTOSSES TONY BRANNIGAN OFF THE TOP~! COACH YO~! COLE The risk didn't pay off! Tony Brannigan got sent down to earth the hard way! Malibu remains perched on the ropes, waiting for just the right moment to strike. Tony is still reeling from his crash landing, and doesn't realize Malibu has him in his sights, as he soars off the top with his trademark Guillotine Legdrop...AND IT MISSES, BECAUSE TONY ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME! COACH Crash landing times two! Malibu shouts in agony as the pain shoots through his tailbone. He gingerly tries to get up, moving slowly to his feet...but Tony grabs him and pulls him into positoin for a Piledriver...and Malibu backdrops Tony over before falling on all fours! Both men push up to their feet, their already worn bodies starting to struggle...AND MALIBU COMES OUT OF NOWHERE WITH SCHOOL'S OUT...BUT IT'S CAUGHT! Tony throws the foot down and delivers a kick to Zack's ribs, doubling him over...and Tony takes his head and goes for the RUDE AWAKENING...but Zack counters to a backslide! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! Tony escapes, but as he gets up, he takes Zack's head under his arm and swings him around, dropping his neck over his shoulder with his patented RUDE AWAKENING neckbreaker! COLE The Rude Awakening connects, and Zack is DOWN! Tony covers, as referee Nick Patrick hits the canvas for the count! ONE! TWO! T-KICKOUT! COLE Close call there, as Zack just got his shoulder up in time! Once again, Tony brings Zack up, and this time traps him in a full nelson, putting pressure on the neck and hoping that he will weaken Malibu enough to obtain victory. Zack winces as his neck endures the move, and Tony puts enough force behind it that it drops Zack to one knee! COLE Tony Brannigan, the more rugged of the two men, now using his power advantage over Malibu by trapping him in the submission here! Zack's struggle is not over, but Brannigan keeps a tight grip, not loosening up in the slightest. Zack slowly rises, able to push himself to his feet...and when he does he kicks backwards, forcing Tony to stumble back and crash into the corner! The hold is broken, but as Zack moves forward, Tony shakes off the effects of the full nelson break, and grabs Zack again, this time trapping him in a sleeperhold! COACH He's gone from one to the other, Mikey Cole! He's tryin' to put Zack to sleep! COLE If he wants to do that, he should have given him a copy of Mr. Zsasz's matches! COACH Ha! Zack struggles again, trying to reach for the ropes for the easy way out, but he's nowhere close enough. Tony fights to keep the hold applied, but Zack knows how dangerous this hold can be coming off that full nelson. Zack fights, growing weaker by the second...but at the last possible instant he's able to shift his body so that the hold becomes more of a headlock, and he lifts Tony off his feet, dropping him with a back suplex! COLE Malibu breaks, and both men are down! Patrick counts for both men to get up, although it doesn't take Tony long at all to get to his feet. Malibu is still weak, and when he stands up he's cracked across the chest with a hard chop, and then whipped into the corner by Tony! T-Bod runs in after Zack, but Malibu puts a foot up, and Tony runs right into the size 11 boot of Zack Malibu! He stumbles away, checking to make sure all of his teeth are intact, and that's when Malibu strikes, racing up behind him and carrying him over with a German Suplex! COLE That's number one! Malibu holds on, rolling to his feet, and follows up with a second German suplex! He brings Tony to his feet again, still stuck in a rear waistlock, but Tony fights back, firing back elbows, and then whipping Zack to the ropes. He catches him on the rebound with the OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE...or so he thinks as Malibu manages to counter in mid-move, driving Tony's head down with a DDT! Zack covers, the crowd counting along as he hooks the leg. ONE! TWO! T-NO! TONY KICKS OUT! COLE So close right there! Tony got rattled by that unexpected DDT, but he's not done by a longshot! Zack brings Tony up, striking him with three right hand jabs before swinging around and nailing him with a discus clothesline! Fired up, Zack calls out to the crowd, playing on their emotions and their support. Zack gets in the ready position, remaining focused on Tony as he prepares for his patented manuever, the one that has won him two OAOAST World Championships. Tony is dazed as he comes up, turning around to once again find Malibu's foot headed in the direction of his face...but he manages to reach up and catch it, spinning Zack around by his leg before quickly grabbing him and spinning around, driving him down with THE OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE~! COACH YO~! That's the OOBE, baby! Tony goes for the pin again, as Malibu is left looking up at the lights, the wind having just been driven from his body! ONE! TWO! THRE-KICKOUT! MALIBU KICKS OUT OF THE OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE! COLE HOW, after all he's gone through this week, did Zack Malibu survive that!? Tony can't believe it, although a part of him is not surprised at Malibu's resiliency. He's been on both sides of the ring with Zack, and knows that Malibu has to be near-death, if not dead, to give up. Tony brings Zack up and readies him in a standing headscissors, then flips Malibu up onto his shoulders...but before he can fully execute the powerbomb, Malibu counters by taking Tony over with a huracanrana! Once again, both men are laid out on the canvas! Tony gets up and goes after Zack, who is just coming to his feet...but as Tony approaches, Malibu connects with SCHOOL'S OUT out of nowhere, collapsing on top of his foe as soon as he hits the canvas! COLE School's Out connects with the chin of Tony Brannigan, and he has gone down! Malibu covers, as the crowd counts along with the official. ONE! TWO! THREE! DING! DING! DING! COLE Malibu wins! COACH Gotta give props to my man T too, Mikey Cole. These guys did this for the history tonight! COLE Indeed they did, Coach. We have been here for five long years, and what better way to cap off the night than with a match between these two great talents, two of the OAOAST Originals! "Getting Away With Murder" plays in celebration of Zack's victory, as he has his hand raised by Nick Patrick. Malibu goes to the ropes and climbs up, saluting his fans after the victory, while Patrick helps Tony Brannigan to his feet. Zack gets off the ropes and goes over to Tony, and in the center of the ring the two Originals embrace, congratulating each other on a great match. COLE There's that respect that Malibu always talks about, what he strives for this company to be based on. Two of the greatest in the ring, showing their admiration for one another. Tony raises Zack's arm up, and together the two longtime superstars celebrate in the ring, as the crowd comes to their feet, applauding them both. Zack and Tony turn towards each side of the ring, posing for all of the fans in attendance...when all of a sudden Drek Stone hits the ring, NAILING MALIBU WITH A BELSHOT ACROSS THE HEAD~! COACH What!? Get him out of there! The cheers turn to boos in no time, as Stone takes Malibu out, shocking everybody! Zack rolls across the canvas, blood dripping from his forehead through his fingers, as Stone looks down on him. Tony dives into action, spinning Stone around to face him...but when he does, Stone cocks the belt in his hands again, and blasts TONY with a belt shot as well! COLE That son of a bitch! The most undeserving World Champion in history just ruined a great moment! Stone stands over the two fallen Originals, and slowly raises the belt in the air. To show his opinion, he spits on both Tony and Malibu, then looks into the hard camera and scowls, then smirks. COLE Leave it to Drek Stone to be the party crasher tonight! The World Champion has just taken out Zack Malibu and Tony Brannigan! COACH Who's gonna take HIM out, that's what I wanna know! COLE Well we know Zack wants him more than anything, but after what we heard earlier tonight, it could be anyone, because Drek Stone will be defending that title nonstop until School's Out, and IF he makes it there, then he's got to face Zack Malibu once again, whether he wants it or not! Stone exits the ring as OAOAST staff enter the scene, checking on both Tony and Zack, who have been busted open by the vicious attack by Stone. Stone backs up the aisle, his cocky swagger showing just how proud he is of his actions. Ending Anglemania as the World Champion wasn't enough, but now tonight, on the five year anniversay of the OAOAST, he shows what levels he's willing to stoop to, all while rubbing the fact that he's World Champion in our faces.Fade to black Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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