OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 3/15/07

[Tony149]

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! B-O-O-M~! We're in HOTlanta, Georgia for this week's edition of HeldDOWN! Spotlights criss-cross the crowd as they show their posterboard masterpieces to the e-fed world and scream their lungs out. SWOOP~! Sofa Central. And.....go! COLE We are less than three weeks from the biggest night on the OAOAST's calendar and things have turned chaotic in this company! Hello everyone, Michael Cole and the Coach here at ringside ready for another night of action. I just hope we won't have to make as many visits to the hospital as we did last week, Coach. COACH Cole, the end of last week's program shocked me more than any other show we've done in our history. COLE Let's give you some updates. First, an update on James Wolfenstein, who was brutally attacked at the beginning of last week's show and then had to be stretchered from the ring after his match with James Riggs was stopped. Fortunately, Mr. Wolfenstein did not suffer any major injuries, just a mild concussion that will leave him out of action for a few weeks, but he has vowed to come back at AngleMania to challenge the man that we all saw do the deed, Gibraltar. COACH Speaking of, Gibraltar and Saint Andrew have been suspended and fined by Bill Watts for an undisclosed time and amount due to that attack. COLE But the most heinous attack occured when this happened:

With Anglesault groaning and mumbling lightly to himself, the Houston crowd has been hushed into silence as they have never seen this legend look in such terrible condition. Standing over his victim, Drek lifts up his shirt...to reveal he was concealing a gun! Reverting back to the tricks that worked against Tha Puerto Rican five months ago. He pulls the revolver from his waistline, grips it in his right hand, and nonchalantly holds it over a completely vulnerable Anglesault. DREK I wanted to go out there tonight and confront Zack Malibu. You have no idea. I really had every intention to. But I'm not ready. That man has taken everything away from me. Do you realize that? He's taken away my fans. Taken away my friends. Everything that has meant a DAMN to me, he has taken away. Well, now, it really is time for ZACK to learn how to cope with missing the things in life he cares about. Anglesault, you've turned into a pawn of something that is much bigger than you. And it's a shame. It's a shame that, because of my hate for Zack Malibu, you've turned into little more than a symbolic token. But I guess that's the way it is. Anglesault tries shouting for help but his vocal chords just ain't doing the trick at this point. DREK Isn't it funny, Sault? Zack and I have both threatened to use a gun at different points but have never actually gone through with it. Zack held a pistol to Bruce Blank's head but wasn't able to pull the trigger. I had Puerto Rican Lightning staring down the barrel of a gun...and then showed I never actually had any bullets in it. The only two people to go to such extremes has been Zack Malibu and myself. I mean, it would look like the two of us aren't so different after all, you know? Drek lightly chuckles to himself. DREK But see, I'm willing to do the things Zack won't do. With that, Drek pulls the trigger... *BAM* ...and shoots a lead bullet right through the left kneecap of Anglesault! "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Chairman SCREAMS in agony as the frightening sound of the gunshot echoes throughout the empty hallway. A light puff of smoke can even be seen seeping from the barrel immediately after the bullet pierces Anglesault's skin. The blood already begins seeping through Sault's grey khakis as he frantically yells for somebody to help him. DREK That's what we call mobster style.

COLE Disgusting. Just disgusting. COACH Drek is not playing with a full deck right now. COLE Drek Stone spent the night in a Houston jail before making bail on Friday. He is now under house arrest as Anglesault recovers under guard in an undisclosed medical facility. Things have gotten intensely personal in that feud. COACH It has. This issue has been building up for YEARS and it all boiled over last week. COLE Let's move past those events and look to tonight. In all the confusion and chaos last week, a scheduled X-Tournament matchup between Spanish Fly and Dance Dance Dragon did not happen. It will this week as we will have the final two quarterfinal matches tonight. In the other, Vitamin X takes on Longdogger Pete. We're not going to make you wait any longer for action, so let's go up to Michael Buffer! "Hung Up" by Madonna starts playing. Dance Dance Dragon comes out, dancing away. *DING DING DING* MICHAEL BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a Quarterfinals Match in the tournament for the vacant OAOAST X-Division Championship! Introducing first, coming to the ring at this time. From Osaka, Japan. Weighing in at 199 lbs. DANCE DANNNNCCCEEEE DRAAGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! COLE Dance Dance Dragon is an underdog in this tournament, but he already shocked us by defeating Ramone Juan Jesus Guetierez last month on HeldDOWN~! Will he shock us again? COACH Nah. DDD continues dancing in the ring. "Hung Up" by Madonna dies down. CUE: "Krokodilamadurinn" by Quarashi *BOOM~!* Spanish Fly shoots out from underneath the entrance stage. He raises his right fist in the air. Spanish Fly walks down the entrance ramp. BUFFER And his opponent. Originally from Tijuana, Mexico but now residing in San Diego, California. Weighing in at 175 lbs. He is a former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champion. SPANISHHHHHHH FLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! COLE Spanish Fly and his regular tag team partner Colombian Heat have spent the last few weeks competing in HI-YAH. Tonight, Fly returns to the OAOAST for his next match in the X-Division Title tournament, defeating Jay Richards in the First Round. COACH Normally, Fly is an underdog. But he's facing Dance Dance Dragon, so who knows? Spanish Fly enters the ring and poses on two turnbuckles. He looks at Triple D. The lights go back on in the arena and "Krokodilamadurinn" by Quarashi dies down. Referee Nick Patrick calls for the bell. COLE This should be an exciting match between two amazing high-flyers! *DING DING DING* QUARTERFINALS MATCH IN THE TOURNAMENT FOR THE VACANT OAOAST X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP DANCE DANCE DRAGON vs. SPANISH FLY Spanish Fly immediately gets off the turnbuckle. DDD goes for the attack, going for a spinning heel kick, however, Spanish Fly ducks, and hits Dragon with a jumping back kick, which sends Dragon into a turnbuckle corner! Fly walks on over. *CHOP* "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *CHOP* "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *CHOP* "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *CHOP* "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Spanish Fly grabs DDD by his left arm, and then whips him into the opposite turnbuckle--DDD reverses--holds on, and clotheslines Fly down onto the mat! COLE Whoa! Triple D showing some nice moves in the early going! Dance Dance Dragon picks Spanish Fly up by his mask. He gives him an Irish whip into the ropes. Dragon goes for a clothesline, but Fly ducks, bounces off the opposite ropes, and fires back with a flying double axe handle! COLE And Fly fires back with a move of his own! SF does a standing moonsault onto Dragon! He goes for the cover. 1....2....KICK OUT! COACH Not yet, Flea. COLE Fly. COACH Whatever. Spanish Fly picks DDD up and whips him into the ropes. Dragon reverses, he goes for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, however Fly lands on his feet! DDD kicks Spanish Fly in the gut, and then nails him with several punches to the face (or mask). The punches stun the 4'11" luchador. Dance Dance Dragon picks Spanish Fly up and places him on his shoulders, spinning him around with the Speed Modifier! COLE Spanish Fly is now good and dizzy thanks to Triple D! Dragon is dizzy himself. He drops Spanish Fly onto the mat. Then, he shakes his head to get the cobwebs out, and then makes the cover! ONE! TWO! KICK OUT! Dragon does not let that stop him. He picks SF up. Triple D hits Spanish Fly with the Combo! He then hits him with some knife-edged chops across the chest! *CHOP!* "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *CHOP!* "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The chops send Spanish Fly into the ropes. DDD takes a few steps back and then charges forward. Spanish Fly elbows DDD in the face (or mask as the case maybe). Fly hops onto the second ring rope. He then springboards off of it, nailing DDD with a springboard crossbody! COLE Springboard Crossbody from Fly! Spanish Fly has DDD covered! However, DDD rolls through, so that he is the one covering Spanish Fly! 1… 2… 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *DING DING DING* (2:09) “YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” COACH No way! COLE He did it! Dance Dance Dragon is moving onto the Semi-Finals! Triple D can’t believe it! “Hung Up” by Madonna starts playing as the crowd cheers. BUFFER Here is your winner…DANCE DANNNNNNCCCCEEEEE DRAAGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! Spanish Fly is stunned. Dance Dance Dragon busts a few moves to his entrance song. COLE Well, Spanish Fly was a favourite to win this match, but Dance Dance Dragon has shocked us again! He is now moving on into the Semi-Finals of the X-Division Title tournament and will meet the winner of the Vitamin X/Longdogger Pete match next week here on HeldDOWN~! COACH I’m stunned. Who knew he would last this long? COLE I don’t think ANYBODY thought he would be in the Semi-Finals next week, but he is! DDD's good streak continues! Dance Dance Dragon looks at Spanish Fly. Fly is on his knees. He looks a little disappointed in his loss. COLE What’s going to happen now? Spanish Fly gets up. He looks at DDD. The crowd buzzes in anticipation of what’s going to happen next. COACH This should be good! Fly stares at Dragon. He takes a deep breath. Finally, Spanish Fly extends his left hand out. Dragon looks at it…looks at Fly…looks at the hand…looks at Fly…and then shakes Spanish Fly’s hand! “YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” COACH Awww! I thought they were going to fight! COLE What a great showing of sportsmanship from Dance Dance Dragon and Spanish Fly! COACH Ahhh! Phooey! Spanish Fly raises Dance Dance Dragon’s right hand in the air. The crowd cheers loudly. Spanish Fly nods his head as if to say, “You did good! Good luck!” DDD nods his head as well. “Hung Up” continues playing. COLE Dance Dance Dragon’s improbabable Road To AngleMania VI continues. He is one step closer to the Finals, and the X-Division Championship! Let’s take a look at the updated brackets! A graphic appears on screen, showing us the updated brackets for the X-Division Title tournament. FIRST ROUND "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican vs. Kenji Kawada - PRL "After Hours" Felix Strutter vs. "Ice Heart" Dan Black - Black Otaku II vs. James Riggs - Riggs Jamie O' Hara vs. Reject - Reject Spanish Fly vs. Jay Richards - Fly Dance Dance Dragon vs. Ramone Juan Jesus Guetierez - DDD Vitamin X vs. James Blonde - VX Longdogger Pete vs. Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix - LDP QUARTER-FINALS "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican vs. "Ice Heart" Dan Black - PRL James Riggs vs. Reject – Reject Spanish Fly vs. Dance Dance Dragon – DDD Vitamin X vs. Longdogger Pete SEMI-FINALS "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican vs. Reject Dance Dance Dragon vs. ????? COLE So, there are now 5 superstars left in this tournament, and after tonight, we will cut it down to 4! Our Final Four will be revealed later tonight as Vitamin X takes on Longdogger Pete! Don’t go anywhere! HeldDOWN~! will be right back right after this! Spanish Fly and Dance Dance Dragon leave the ring together. Fly has a smile on his face, while DDD is getting the crowd fired up as “Hung Up” by Madonna continues playing. Commercial break

[Tony149]

And now, OAOAST Home Entertainment presents an ANGLEMANIA MOMENT.

ANGLEMANIA V

BUFFER
The following contest is the unsanctioned loser leaves town match for the tag team championship of the world!

*CLIP *

Ned momentarily stuns Logan with a thumb to the eye, long enough for him to take Mann to the ropes and set him up for a SLINGSHOT SUPLEX from the inside out onto the guardrail leaned up against the ring apron! Ned tries getting Logan up, the fatigue is heavy at this point. Ned tires again to no avail. He connects with a series of rabbit-punches before attempting the suplex a third time, only for Holly-Wood to reclaim possession of Spirit, the guitar Ned took from her home, and jab the handle into the groin of Ned's! Logan then steps out on the apron and hits a piledriver on the railing, sending he and Blanchard sliding down.

"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"

COLE
Mann with the cover!

ONE...

TWO...

THREE!

* DING DING DING *

CABOOSE
The New New Midnight Express are no more!

COACH
I can't believe it!

COLE
Well believe it, because it happened and happened at AngleMania V.

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, history has been made. The winners and NEW OAOAST tag team champions of the world... the HEAVENLYYYYYY RRRROOOOOOOCKERRRRSSSS!

* CLIP *

LOGAN
Cut the music. There's something I wanna say. We didn't just win the tag belts for us, but for our fans as well. And there's one special fan Synth and I would like to thank, especially yours truly, "Wild Child" Logan Mann. And that's Holly-Wood! I'm a bit tired, but there's one last thing I gotta do. Over a year ago Holly became our publicist and eventually my girlfriend. In that year we've been through a lotta ups and downs, but we stuck together. Now it's time for us to be stuck together FOREVER!

That line grabs everybody's attention, particularly Holly's, especially when Logan gets down on a knee to everyone's surprise.

COACH
Is--Is he gonna propose? Is Logan low enough to propose in front of Holly's real true love, Ned?

CABOOSE
Pipe down.

COLE
All right, Logan!

LOGAN
Holly... Holly...

COLE
Do it, Logan. Say it. Ask her the question.

LOGAN (CONT'D)
... Will you marry me?

COLE
He did it!

COLE & CABOOSE


CABOOSE
Attaboy, Mann.

On the verge of tears Holly nods her head and says...

HOLLY
YES!

COLE & CABOOSE
SHE SAID YES!!

"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Heart-Shaped Box" cues up once more with a hug and a kiss from Holly. The two then hug Synth, who playfully hits Logan on the shoulder, lip readers able to tell he said "I can't believe you actually had the balls, bro." The cameras pan around to various women crying, some kissing their boyfriends, and even Randy Savage twirling his index finger.

COLE
What a night! We have new tag team champions and an in-ring marriage proposal!

* SWOOSH *

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The crowd reacts in disgust as the SOONER BRUISERS appear on-screen from the confines of their dressing room.

UBER
I hope all you couch potatoes at home got a real good look at that piece of footage, because it's the last time you'll ever see the Heavenly Rockers and their glorified groupie Holly-Wood in happier times. Anglemania VI will mark the end of a dark era for the sport of professional wrestling, the night the music dies once and for all.

BIG FRANK
Sunday night, April 1st, the world will watch as the Sooner Bruisers and Heavenly Rockers commit acts of violence unimaginable not for championship gold, but for honor and pride in a Sin City street fight. But it's not your ordinary run-of-the-mill street fight, the loser must leave town for 90 days. That means somebody will have to sit at home and agonize about the loss until they're reinstated. The Heavenly Rockers think because it's their match that they're gonna walk away triumphant. Don't you know who you're up against? It ain't gonna be a couple of blonds like last year, that's for sure; it's the most dominate tag team in OAOAST history! We cripple men and go home feeling good about ourselves. Logan Mann, you said this will be the war to end all wars, yet you and Synth are off hiding while Uber and I are kicking ass and taking names. Why's that, huh? Because you have a boo-boo on your knee, Mann? TOUGH SHIT! Professional wrestling is a man's sport. Injuries be damned. As long as there's still a breath in your body, you compete. That's something you and your acid-trippin' fans overlook. We're the ones they oughta be cheering. You're all style and no substance, Heavenly Rockers. Like my brother said, Anglemania VI will be remembered as the night the music died. And Holly-Wood, I'm issuing you a warning, bitch, if you decided to stick your pretty little nose in our business, don't start crying if it gets broken. On the bright side, at least you won't be the only one in the family left black and blue.

UBER
Ow, ow, owwwwwwwwww!

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, the following Six Person Tag Team Match is scheduled for one fall! In this match, it will be males against males, females against females with no intergender pairings. At this time, introducing the SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE for this contest. Making his return to an OAOAST ring for the first time in four and a half months... "SILKY SMOOTH" LLLEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOONN RRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOODDEEEEEEZZZZZZ!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"


*GOOOOONG!*


"C'mon man"
"DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK..."

The crowd rightfully go nuts for the returning Rodez, even though he's already returned a few weeks ago and this in-ring return isn't for an actual match, as the sliding doors part and the zebra-striped Silky Smooth One emerges. Leon makes a slighty less big deal of his entrance than usual, trying to stay professional. Aside from a few slapped hands and a few winks to selected females, of course.

COACH
You know, maybe it's just me, but this don't seem right.

COLE
What could possibly be wrong about this Coach? Leon Rodez, returning to the ring, albeit in a refereeing capacity.

COACH
And you've got his possible AngleMania opponent on one side and his sister on the other side. You can't tell the Coach that that ain't a conflict of interest.

Leon enters the ring and straightens up his stripes, professionally shaking hands with Michael Buffer. He stops short of asking for an autograph (a missed opportunity, surely!) and lounges in a corner. And as he loosens up his counting arm...


"REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH!"

..."Personal Jesus" by Marilyn Manson fires through the P.A system. The mood is suitably killed as through the entrance way pile out first Todd Cortez, followed by Landon Maddix hand in hand with Megan Skye. Landon doesn't pose or posture tonight, looking as sullen as his usually sullen tag team partner. Maybe because of the referee for this match, maybe still mourning those 500,000 dollars he lost out on last week. Maybe both. Leading the way, Cortez locks eyes with Leon as he marches down the aisle with Leon quick to point out the referee shirt he's wearing to quell any plans of attack.

BUFFER
Introducing team number one! First, from Hollywood Boulevard... weighing in at two hundred and twenty six pounds... "THE URBAN LEGEND" TTOOOOOOOOODD CCOOOOOOORRRRTTEEEEEZZZZZZ!! His partners... from Pawtucket, Rhode Island... MEGAN SSSKKYYYEEEEEE! And finally hailing from Huron, South Dakota by way of Madrid, Spain... he weighs two hundred, eight pounds... LLLAAAAAAANNDDOOOOOOOONN "LA CUCARACHA" MMMMAAAAAAAADDIIIIIIXXXXXX!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Todd Cortez and Leon Rodez, in the same ring at the same time. This has the potential to explode at any minute, the OAOAST Board Of Directors taking a considerable risk in assigning Leon this post.

COACH
Well you know that Leon's been hassling everyone to get back into the ring. And he still hasn't got that doctor's clearance. They had to do something, I just don't get why it had to be refereeing his sister's match-up. Unless he... ya know, greased some palms.

COLE
You know as well as I do, Leon's not like that. Don't judge people by your own standards.

COACH
Is that a race joke? Cause if it is...

Landon leads Megan up the steps, keeping half an eye on Leon as well as his partner, having his own history with The Silky Smooth One of course. It's Cortez who everyone is keeping and eye on though as The Urban Legend squares up to Leon, no sign of the special referee backing down as he tries to explain the rules. The fact he's blanking him seems to rile Cortez up, but he's quickly dragged away and coaxed into calming down by Landon and Megan.

COLE
Well, we've said in the past that Landon and Cortez have a lot of history and there's a certain tension between them. That tension is pretty much solely down to their past feelings for Megan Skye. So this should be very interesting, to see how this trio actually functions without trying to throttle each other.


"JUST ONE ON ONE
THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT BABY!
JUST ONE ON ONE, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT!

JUST ONE ON ONE
THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT BABY!
JUST ONE ON ONE, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT!"

"YYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The boyband styling of A1's "First To Believe" bring the crowd to their feet again for their favourite six person trio. That may be because there's very few of them, or because they're so good looking. Or, again, maybe both. "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant and "Showtime" Shayne Brave emerge through the entrance way decked out in purple denim, a fine choice indeed, as it matches the ring attire of their inexperienced partner Ms. Jade Rodez! After enthusiastically waving down to her referee brother, which causes Landon to throw a fit at the unfairness of it all, Jade then points the way down the aisle for her team.

BUFFER
And introducing the opponents! First, from Grand Rapids, Michigan... JJAAAADDEEE RRRRROOOOOODDEEEEEZZZZZZZZZ! And, at a total combined weight of three hundred, eighty eight pounds. The reigning three-time HI-YAH WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... "TREMENDOUS" TYLER, "SHOWTIME" SHAYNE... they are D*LLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

As the D*LUX trio make their way into the ring, Leon greets them all with handshakes. Which, again, sends Landon into a tizzy.

COACH
Come on! That ain't right Mikey, you can't condone that.

COLE
What? It's just a friendly good-luck handshake.

Leon promptly hugs his sister and Landon promptly tries to kick the bottom turnbuckle off it's hinges. Of course, that doesn't do much for his foot and he's left hobbling in pain.

COLE
Like I said, just a friendly good-luck hug, just like all the referees give.

COACH
Let's not get into your backstage dealing with Charles Robinson right now shall we?

An instant protest is put in by the Martial Law team at the favouritism, which Leon is forced to apologise for. His offer to make it fair by giving Megan a hug doesn't go down too well though. Still fuming, Landon steps towards Leon. But he quickly points out his referee stripes and wags a condescending finger at La Cucaracha, who looks in danger of his head exploding right about now.

"D - LUX!"
"D - LUX!"
"D - LUX!"
"D - LUX!"

Finally showing some professionalism, Leon demands one in from each team and two out. Megan quickly points Landon out of the ring and tries to convince Todd into doing the same. She's ready to go. As, conveniently enough, is Jade who doesn't take long to get her loyal team to follow her orders and go to the apron.

COLE
Looks like the ladies will be kicking us off. Jade Rodez up against former SWF Women's Champion, Megan Skye!

COACH
They had a Women's Title?

COLE
It was a passing phase.

COACH
So, like ours?


*DINGDINGDING!*

What better way than to avoid awkward questions than a bell?

On Leon's signal the bell sounds and Megan adopts a fighting stance as she comes out of her corner, Jade doing the same although a lot less convincingly. The two manager-come-wrestlers meet in the centre, at which point Megan throws a roundhouse kick. Jade just about manages to step out of the way, but the message clearly got across. A warning shot.

"MEG - AN SUCKS COCK!"
"MEG - AN SUCKS COCK!"
"MEG - AN SUCKS COCK!"

LANDON
SO!?

Amazingly, the defeated crowd shut up. Meanwhile back in the ring Jade and Megan cautiously move in again. Again Megan goes to throw a kick and Jade takes a step back, only for Megan to fake her out and instead re-time her strike... but again Jade manages to duck, retreating into her corner as her referee brother steps in and warns Megan about a 'closed boot'.

"LAN - DON SUCKS COCK!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS COCK!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS COCK!"

The smug smile on Landon's face evaporates now, as Megan dares Jade to lock-up if she's not keen on trading strikes. That seems a more sensible option and Jade takes it, as well as taking Megan's head into a side headlock. Jade cranks up on the headlock briefly but a sneaky tug on the hair causes her to shriek suddenly, losing his grip and allowing Megan to slide out the back, applying her own headlock! Leon has been in the ring long enough to guess what happened but didn't see the hairpull on his sister, Megan innocently claiming she did nothing wrong.

COLE
Skye, taking advantage of some bad positioning from our guest referee Leon Rodez there. Refereeing is an artform in itself you know.

The headlock doesn't last long as Jade fires off a couple of elbows to the gut, finding her way free and rushing into the ropes. A shoulder block knocks Megan down on the rebound. And as Megan holds the back of her head, Leon takes a moment to tease his sister about her weight.

Harsh, but it has to be done.

Still nursing the back of her head Megan decides it's for the best to tag out and backs into her corner. Landon quickly takes the tag before Todd and storms into the ring, to a chorus of boos! That forces Jade to tag out now, just as she was getting into her stride, bringing Shayne Brave into the match.

COLE
In comes Landon Maddix who's running out of time to make an impression on the AngleMania card. We imagine D*LUX will be there to defend their HI-YAH Tag Team Titles, but Landon may not be so lucky. So far every plan he's had has been hampered by someone or something.

Shayne and Landon circle briefly before tying up. Easily Landon gains the advantage, with the slightly questionable tactic of a knee to the breadbasket. Landon follows that up with a couple of forearms before whipping Shayne off into the ropes, setting for the rebound. Only for Shayne to skid through the legs with a baseball slide, popping up behind Landon and barging him in the back to send him to the ropes. Maddix accepts the hand dealt to him and builds up a head of steam, ducking through the leapfrogging legs of Shayne Brave and hitting the opposite ropes with a clothesline in mind. Before he gets there Shayne bottoms out though, forcing Landon up and over. It's clear Shayne is in control of the situation right now, rolling over and again forcing Landon to vault over him. Beginning to tire, Maddix slows down a little as he again hits the ropes, Shayne up and over with another leapfrog. And as he hits the ropes this time, Landon grips onto the top rope and calls for a timeout to catch his breath.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

The sound of thousands of people laughing at him doesn't shame Maddix, ducking through the ropes to force the timeout he needs. Shayne is having none of that though and grabs hold of Landon...


...THUMB TO THE EYES!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH
Okay, that was pretty resourceful right there.

Still huffing and puffing, Landon untangles himself from between the ropes, brushing away referee Rodez...


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and connecting with a knifedge chop to Shayne!


*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and a second! Followed up by a forearm, "Showtime" rocked now as Landon doubles over like he's just finished a marathon. Not for too long though, grabbing the arm and forcing Shayne into a little running. Shayne hits a neutral corner and comes stumbling back out, Landon connecting with an expert Dropsault and landing on his knees, the perfect place to strike a triumphant pose!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

LANDON
COUNT IT!


1...





2...





No!

LANDON
COME ON, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF COUNT WAS THAT!? ONE, TWO, THREE!

After his refereeing lesson is dished out, Landon pulls Shayne up and again sends him for an irish whip ride, this time into the ropes. Maddix ducks his head early... too early, allowing Shayne time to float over looking for a sunset flip. Waving his arms around Landon tries to maintain his balance, but eventually gravity takes it's course and he gets pulled down...

ONE, TWO, THR...NO!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

COACH
Wait a minute, what the hell!? What kind of a count was that!?

COLE
That's what Landon told him to do!

COACH
Not for him he didn't!

Furious at the fast count Landon storms to his feet and gets in Leon's face, Leon simply telling Landon that he's following his orders on how to count. In all the distraction, Landon forgets about Shayne and gets schoolboyed over...

ONE, TWO, THRE...NO!

Landon again scrambles to his feet, right into an armdrag which Shayne chains into an armbar for good measure. Megan and Landon continue to cry injustice over the count, Cortez keeping his head a little better but glaring a hole through the back of Leon's head.

"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"

Bringing Maddix to his feet with the arm still barred, Shayne makes the tag to Tyler Bryant. Back to professional mode, Leon lays on the mandatory five count, while D*LUX whip Landon off into the ropes and connect with a boot to the gut a-piece. As Landon falls to his knees, the well-choreographed boybanders then back off opposite sides, coming back together...


...and fire off basement dropkicks in stereo, sandwiching La Cucaracha's head in between.

COLE
New Kicks On The Block!

COACH
This is pretty lax referring, to say the least.

COLE
D*LUX have five seconds to switch and they've done so. No wrong-doing there.

As Shayne exits the ring, Tyler rolls Landon onto his back and makes the cover...


1...





2...



Cortez breaks the count!

Leon points Cortez back to the apron and for a moment the air goes tense as the would-be AngleMania opponents come face to face. The icy glare from Cortez would scare most men but Leon stands up to him. And knowing he can't really do anything just yet, Todd exits back onto the apron.

COLE
I'm sure Leon is just itching to get his hands on Cortez, but he's going to have to wait and hope that he can do so at AngleMania.

COACH
You can say the same about Cortez though. He's going to be hoping that doctor's clearance comes through just like Leon, don't doubt that.

Back to the action, Tyler has controlled Landon with a headlock while Cortez was looming. Both men come up and Landon tries to escape the headlock with some shots to the kidneys. Eventually he manages to shoot Tyler off into the ropes, scooping him up on the way back. Tyler floats over and lands on his feet behind Maddix however, running him into the ropes with a waistlock, looking for an O'Connor roll. A simple grip of the top rope by Maddix leaves him empty-handed though, Tyler rolling through...


*SMACK!*

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

...and getting kicked straight and hard in the sternum!!

COLE
Boy, Landon really laid into Tyler with that one!

Having dealt with his opponent Landon now takes the opportunity to tag out to Todd Cortez, legal for the first time. Tyler pulls himself up and is clearly winded as Cortez stomps over and roughly muscles the boybander into a neutral corner. Quickly Leon lays a five count on and gets another icy glare from Todd, who brushes aside Tyler's guard... and just SMASHES him with a brutal forearm strike!!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
That's about as clear of a message as you can get right there!

Leon gets the point, but doesn't let up on Cortez and continues to demand he get out of the corner. With Tyler down on his knees in the corner after that vicious forearm, Cortez does as he's told and drags him out. With half an eye on Leon at all times he then brings Tyler up, straddling him across a knee with the Crotch-Droppah. The Urban Legend then creates some space, before re-arranging "Tremendous" Tyler's pretty face with a straight Mafia Kick! It looks like the lights are on but nobody's home for Tyler, as Cortez makes a slow and deliberate cover, his deathly stare into Leon's eyes putting him off a little...


1...






2...






No!

Hauling Tyler up again, Cortez holds him by the hair. A big right hand staggers his opponent, as if he wasn't already, the grip on the hair keeping him upright however. Releasing the hair, Cortez now fires off a hard kick to the back of the hamstring, unsteadying Tyler's base. With a wind-up, Cortez then looks for a big Laria...


...NO! Tyler ducks the clothesline, forcing Cortez to keep on going, rebounding off the ropes in front of him and getting cut off with a desperation lunging clothesline from Tyler Bryant!

"YYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

COLE
We've seen time and time again that D*LUX have a lot of heart and that they're built for go, not just for show. And Tyler Bryant showed it just there, clearly dazed as he hit that move.

Both men stay down and almost in unison they decide that with fresh bodies on the apron, they may as well use them. Crawling over to their corners, Cortez and Tyler both reach out together, Leon keeping an eye on both sides as the hands connect...


...tag to Landon...



...AND A TAG TO... Jade?

COACH
This ain't good.

COLE
No no, Landon got the tag first! That means either Tyler or Shayne has to be in.

That technicality isn't going to stop Jade though as she marches past her brother and fearlessly towards Landon. Unsurprisingly the two-time SWF World Champion laughs at the prospect of facing a mere girl. Until that is she shoves him in the chest. Landon takes that as even more of an insult that her moxy alone and pulls up his elbowpad ready to go...


...but Megan beats him to it, negating any disqualification as she spears Jade down!

COACH
CATFIIIIIIIIIGHT!

COLE
Coach, please. We have enough lawsuits around here as it is.

Megan mounts Jade and starts to swing wildly with some punches, which Leon is powerless to do anything more than stand back and watch. Technically Megan isn't legal, but technicalities have meshed together and who is legal in the match now is anyone's guess. So Leon decides to just let it all go, having to avoid Landon as he rushes the ring and knocks Shayne Brave off the apron.

"LET'S GO JADE!"
"LET'S GO JADE!"
"LET'S GO JADE!"
"LET'S GO JADE!"

Dragging the youngest Rodez sibling around roughly by the hair, Megan shows her vicious side as she slaps her upside the head. A hard push then sends Jade into a corner, Megan following in and holding the top rope for balance as she lays in a hard kick! A loud groan is succeeded by a coughing fit from Jade, the air knocked out of her. Megan isn't done yet though, connecting with another straight kick. Having enough of this, Leon steps in and performs both refereeing duties and those of a big brother, dragging Megan off of his sister. But that distracts him, as Landon suddenly finds himself with a free path to charge AND CLOTHESLINE JADE IN THE CORNER!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Come on, that should be a disqualification!

COACH
Too bad Leon's out of position again.

COLE
Yeah, because Megan's virtually grappling him out of view of what's going on!

Jade slumps in the corner after the clothesline, as Landon smirks to himself. And then, for some reason, he drops like a stone, complete prone. And with his legs wide open, he begins to motion for Jade to fall.

COLE
...the hell?

COACH
I think I know what this is Mikey! And I likes it!

As Megan continues to tie referee Leon up, Landon begins to get more and more frantic with his hand motions as he waits for the never-old 'accidental headbutt' spot to occur.


Only, Jade isn't falling.

LANDON
Damnit... TODD! TODD, GET HER!!

He probably doesn't know why, but he probably doesn't care. Todd simply sees an opening and takes it, charging headlong across the ring with Jade in his sights. Diving through the air he performs a nifty little twist and flies butt-first towards Jade in the corner...



...but Jade MOVES, Cortez driving his Flying Asshole hard into the turnbuckles!! And before Landon knows what's happening, the winded Cortez begins to fall...






*WHAM!*

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
Oh noooo.

COLE
Oh, MY!

Landon gets the headbutt he wanted. But chances are, he didn't want Todd Cortez's head buried in his crotch. The involuntary muscle tightening that Landon experiences makes him sit up and grab Cortez's head, making the image that much more embarrassing, Cortez having to prise himself out from between his tag team partner (for life?)'s legs.

"LAN - DON LIKED IT!"
*CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!*
"LAN - DON LIKED IT!"
*CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!*

COACH
Now that's just uncalled for.

Both Cortez and Maddix roll out of the ring, The Urban Legend instantly seeking a bottle of water from ringside. Meanwhile Jade has slumped back into the corner, trying to catch her breath. Megan finally drags herself away from referee Rodez and targets competitor Rodez, that being Jade, running into the corner... and suffering a similar fate to Cortez, her elbow attempt finding nothing but turnbuckles. And weakly, she collapses...



*WHAM!*

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

...AND INADVERTANTLY HEADBUTTS LEON'S LOWER EXTREMETIES!?!?

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE


COACH
How the hell did he end up there!?

Worried, Jade helps her brother up. But despite the fact he's clearly limping, Leon is SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR as he insists he's okay. And to demonstrate his point, he gives a thumbs up to camera while nursing his... well, ya know.

"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"
"LE - ON!"

COLE
Only Leon Rodez ladies and gentlemen!

COACH
Talk about your abuse of power! This has got to go down to a review panel or something after this, that's a physical attack on a female competitor?

COLE
How do you figure that!?

COACH
Well, by all accounts, he could have put her eye ou...

COLE
OKAY OKAY! Let's not go there.

COACH
Oh you know you'd love to go ther...

COLE
Are we going to have to cut your mic?

COACH
(sheepishly) I'll behave.

The action continues! Jade presses Megan up against the ropes with a succession of forearms, dazing her enough to attempt an irish whip. A reversal from Megan sends Jade for the ride however, Megan crouching down and measuring Jade on the way back for a CHICK KICK... DUCKED! Jade avoids the kick, ending up behind Megan and applying a Cobra Clutch. The execution is far from perfect. But it doesn't matter much when she then drags Megan back and DOWN across the knee with a Backbreaker!!

COLE
Cobra Clutch into a Backbreaker! How about that from Jade Rodez!

Brushing Megan over onto her back, Jade makes the cover and her brother is right there to count...


1...







2...






NO!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Climbing back up, Jade lets out a roar as she encourages Megan to get back to her feet. Even Leon seems a little surprised at the intensity of his little sis'. Slowly Megan begins to limp back up, clutching at her lower back as Jade lies in wait. As Megan turns, Jade then grabs hold of her by the blonde locks... but gets a knee to the stomach to cut her off.

COACH
Not much big brother can do about that.

As Jade doubles over, Megan quickly hops up onto the middle rope, ready for the Tornado DDT...




...pausing for a moment as Shayne Brave comes darting into shot AND SOARS THROUGH THE ROPES WITH A TOPÉ, WIPING OUT MADDIX AND CORTEZ!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
WOW!

COACH
D*LUX can flip and fly all they want Michael, they can't do anything about Megan though!

And Coach is absolutely correct, as Megan clears her mind of her partners fates and focuses on hers. Front facelock applied, Megan springs off the middle rope and swings Jade around looking for the Skye Lyte... NO! Jade pushes Megan off! However, Megan lands safely on her feet, connecting with a hard kick to the gut to once again double Jade up. Again the front facelock is the next port of call, but this time Megan simply drops and executes a traditional DDT, planting Jade face-first!

COACH
That's it! She got her, no way little Jade kicks out!

Megan sure hopes so, as she makes the cover, Leon having to put everything aside...


1...



COACH
Leon's going to have to count his own sister down!



2...




COACH
The irony is so deliciou...



NO! ONLY TWO!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

COLE
'Little Jade' kicks out!

Out on the floor, Tyler Bryant joins the brawl on the floor and D*LUX, Landon and Cortez slug it out, leaving the women to hopefully take care of business. Right now it's Megan who looks most likely to do that, scooping and slamming Jade before heading out of the ring, in search of the top rope.

COLE
Megan Skye going to the sky! A bit of a risky move for a quote-un-quote part-timer to be taking perhaps.

Megan seems comfortable enough though, reaching the high-rent district as Jade begins to climb back up. That forces Megan to wait a few extra seconds for Jade to reach her feet, before finally setting herself. Jade turns around in search of Skye, to his credit not being helped by Leon, as Jade finally finds Megan just in time to see her soaring down with the Skye Dive (Top Rope Crossbody)...



...connects...







...BUT THE MOMENTUM SWITCHES AND JADE WINDS UP ON TOP...


1...








2...







3-
NO!

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

COLE
Boy, how close was that?

COACH
Something tells me big bro isn't going to be able to go halves on a Mother's Day present anymore once this match is over.

In a scene you don't see every day, Jade questions her own brother's count. Which is a little bit naive with Megan having not taken an actual offensive move, reaching up and jabbing Jade in the stomach to regain the advantage from her back. Megan scuttles to her feet and hooks Jade up once more in the front facelock, this time looking to execute a suplex. Dropping to her knees, Jade manages to block the move though. And what's more she starts to return the favour on Megan, punching her in the midsection until she lets go and doubles over.

JADE
THAT'S IT!!

"YYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!"

Calling for the end, Jade lines Megan up, motioning her ill-placed brother out of the way as she makes for the ropes. Leon just about gets out of the way in time, as Jade hits the ropes...




...BUT ALSO SHAYNE BRAVE, who had just began to climb onto the apron!!

COLE
OH! A collision!

Thinking quickly, Landon lunges and drags Shayne off of the apron to the floor. And meanwhile, Jade goes stumbling forward, her run diminished to a stutter now which gives time to Megan to set herself...




*SMACK!*

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

...AND CONNECT WITH THE CHICK KICK!!

COLE
Chick Kick! Right in the side of the head, Jade is out!

COACH
And there's nobody to save!!

Landon and Cortez continue to brawl with D*LUX on the floor, Landon keeping Shayne from making up for his accidental assist in the Chick Kick.

As meanwhile, Megan drops on top of Jade and hooks the leg, Leon wanting to check if his sister is okay and conscious rather than count right now. Which he admirably does...


1...







2...







COACH
Go ahead, go ahead...




3!!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

*DINGDINGDING!*

Leon calls for the bell with as much frustration as you're likely to see from him, which isn't a whole lot but noticable at least. His attention then turns to checking on Jade, as Megan quickly rolls from the ring to be retrieved by Landon. The SWF's Power Couple embrace on the outside, while Cortez deals with the last little fighting off of D*LUX post-match before joining Landon and Megan on their way out.

BUFFER
Here are your winners... the team of LANDON MADDIX, TODD CORTEZ and MEGAN SSSKKKYYYYEEEE!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Knelt over his sister, Leon watches as the Megan/Landon/Cortez trio walk off, Landon predictably soaking up the victory and rubbing it in Leon's face. Cortez remains much more focused, but the faintest hint of a smile can be seen as he points at Leon and mouths that one word.

'AngleMania'.

COLE
Well, an unfortunate collision between Jade and Shayne Brave cost D*LUX and Jade here tonight and Landon, Megan and Cortez profit. Not a great return for Leon Rodez, as he has to count his sister's shoulders down. I guess that blew away your conspiracy theories there Coach?

COACH
Yeah, sure. He counted the fall, good for him. But the real story is that man staring him down. I think that look says it all. If Leon does get cleared to compete, that could be him at AngleMania, courtesy of Todd Cortez.

As D*LUX pile back into the ring Leon sits his sister up, apologising for having to count the fall. Jade seems understanding enough as she groggily pulls herself up. But as D*LUX try to help her stay on her feet, Jade kinda swipes them away, looking a little frustrated as Shayne tries to apologise. Apparantly with a splitting headache Jade isn't the mood for this just now and leaves the ring alone, Leon quickly following to try and further commiserate her.


Commercial Break

[Tony149]

We're taken backstage were a number of production workers and various jobbers and characters who rarely appear on screen are milling about, wasting the company's money. Standing near a catering table, and looking like the phunkest of playas, the purest of pimps, is Ned Blanchard, attired in a black rimmed sunglasses, blue sports coat, jeans, white dress shirt and pink tie. Go on boy! In his hands sits a cup of Kool-Aid, which is quickly spilled down his throat. Anger ensues from the three time OAOAST Tag Team Champion....

NED (to a nearby Production intern)
You call this sugar free Kool-Aid, man?

PRODUCTION INTERN
OH YEAH! Heh.

NED
Excuse me!?

PRODUCTION INTERN
Uhm, I mean... that's what it says on the box, sir.

NED
I don't care what the box says, dumbass! My taste buds say this is sugar loaded crap! Look at this body, man, it's a temple, a monument to human perfection, and only the finest beverages can grace it's hallowed halls. Just because you treat your body like a garbage dump, and throw any thing you dig out the dumpster in there, does not mean I want to do the same. You know what? You're fired, bro! Take a hike!

PRODUCTION INTERN (protesting despite the fact Ned has no authority to fire anyone)
But sir!

The intern places a hand on Ned's shoulder to plea for mercy. Not a good idea!

NED
Don't touch me, bro! This is a temple! A mecca of beauty! That's assault. That's sacrilegious what you're doing. Just walk away, bro. Walk away!

PRODUCTION INTERN
Please...you can't fire me! I need this job for college credit!

Ned gives the lowly worker a final reminder that his word is law when he chucks the contents of his glass onto the kid's face. The poor intern breaks down in tears, red Kool-Aid streaming down his gaunt face.

NED (pointing)
Door's that a-way, bro! Use it!

Not wishing to endure a beating in addition to his termination, the weeping intern scampers off, never to be seen again. Blanchard isn't offered a moment to gloat over his cruelty, as a despondent Jade Rodez, not paying any attention to her surroundings, bumps into from behind. Muttering under her breath about her recent loss, she doesn't even attempt an apology, only searching for a way past to Ned. However the studly brawler has little intention of letting her pass without first chastising her for hitting him, and then laying his game down.

NED
Ow! Crap! Watch your step..you.....you....wonderfully beautiful human being. Wouldn't want you to bump into a wall and scar that pretty little face.

Jade sneers a little. This isn't the first time Ned's tried to put his proverbial 'mack' down on her and it's not the first time she's not in the mood for it.

JADE
You paused there. Are you sure you weren't going to say watch your step you dumb bimbo, cause that seems more like something someone like you would say.

NED
I'd never talk about a gorgeous lady like that. Never. Not in my life. Unless of course she happens to be my kid's mother.

Jade curls her fists into balls as if she was ready to slug Ned in the jaw.

JADE
Watch your mouth about Krista!

NED (smirking)
Sorry, I didn't realize she was such a sensitive topic for you.

JADE
Yeah, it's a sens...no....it's..it's not that. She's my friend, that's all, and I don't like it when people like you insult my friend. How would you like it if I started going off on Simon's little Richard jeri curl, and his stupid 1980's Miami Vice wardrobe?

NED
Aside from wondering how an eighteen year old knows those sort of references, I'd like it just fine! Hell, I say that same stuff to him everyday. I say Simon, I don't care how much you style that hair of your's, bro, you're never getting that spot as Michael in the Jackson 5 coverband. Let it go.

JADE
Well then, I guess I'm just a better friend then you are. Or maybe Krista's a better friend to me than you are to Simon which I wouldn't doubt from everything I know about you.

NED
Yeah, I guess you got something there. When Krista ain't trying to extort millions of dollars out of you for child support, on the basis of an inclusive DNA test, she can be kind of a fun chick to hang with. In a crude kind of way. You must have had a killer time at the Oscars with her and Alix...

JADE (gazing at Ned with a puzzled expression)
What are you talking about?

NED
They took you the Oscars, right?

Jade just kinda looks blank.

NED
No? Well, you know, those invites are really hard to come buy, even if Krista's aunt is on the voting committee. I'm sure they had other people who they wanted to take instead of you. No big deal, it's only one day out of 365. Krista's good friends with Angelina Jolie, so I bet you get to chill with her and Brad all the time, right? I bet he has some hilarious stories to tell about Jennifer Aniston.

JADE
Well...no not exactly.

NED
So, no on Krista? Boy, now I just feel bad for bringing it up. I figured, seeing as she's your friend. You know what, she's not a share and share alike type woman anyway. But, Alix, she's a fun loving girl, as all those pictures on various Internet sites can attest to. I know you must be hitting the parties hard with her. Tell me who you've met, Paris, Lindsay, Jessica? Don't be shy, girl! Dish to the Ned man, I gotta know what's up!

JADE
Actually the only time I really get to meet anyone famous is when Melody takes me to sci-fi conventions and we get to pose for a picture with Beverly Crusher from Star Trek. For twenty dollars of course. I usually have to loan Mel the money.

Trying his best not to bust out laughing, Ned shakes his head sadly.

NED
Oh man, is that lame! Well, you know, I'd still stick my test tube in Doctor Crusher's bunson burner, but as for you, that is the very definition of lame.

JADE (sighing)
Thanks a lot.

NED
Don't take offense, I'm just being honest with you. I guess Alix and Krista don't want a kid cramping their style. I don't know, can you down a whole bottle of tequila through a hobo's tube sock while reciting the Pledge Of Allegiance? Because if not, that might be why. The papers may say different, but that's what ruined our relationship.

Not in the mood to begin with, Jade sighs. Very audibly.

NED
Look, if you were my friend, you'd hit all the hot spots, in every city around the country. You'd be on the VIP list for every poppin club in North America. No COD bar crawls either, I'm talking the classiest joints there are. Fine wine, expensive champagne, civilised conversation. That's just the way the Ned man does it for his people. If I'm living the good life, you're living the great life. If I'm up, you gotta be higher. If I got a million, you gotta have two million. That's the way I am. And, hey, it don't hurt that Teddy's pocket book is basically the key to every scene to be seen in town. Jade, trust me when I say life is fabulous when you got Moneymaker on your team. It's like every morning when I wake up, a pot of gold falls straight on my head. You have not lived until you've had your shoes shined with a fifty, and your cigar lighted with a hundred. It's like an entirely new world opens up to you, and it would take three lifetimes to explore even half of it. The way I see it, there's billions of people alive in this world today, but there are only six people who are truly living. And they're all part of The Enterprise. It's one thing to drink yourself into oblivion and kill every braincell you have with various narcotics, but that's not living. That's not rich living. That's not rewarding, like my life and the lives of my friends. That's the kind of life the friends of Krista Isadora Duncan can only dream of, while they're living the E! Hollywood's Most Disgraced Celebrities lifestyle.

Ned notices a distinct frown appear on Jade's face, and makes a weak attempt to cheer her up.

NED
I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything.

JADE
Hold on, Ned, I have fun too.

Ned can't help but laugh at the perceived absurdity of this statement.

NED
Doing what? Covering for those New Kids on the block, B2K, fools' complete stupidity. No offense to your boys, they've had a good run, they gave me and Si a few fits, and they're a nice little lower card attraction, next to NRG or something. But let's be real with each other. They've peaked at the rank of HI-YAH Tag Team Champions. When matched with top flight competition, as evidenced tonight, their hearts turn softer then an ice cream sundae in an Arizona desert. They just don't have 'it'.

JADE
Yeah, well, they seemed to have 'it' when they beat you over the summer!

NED
And yet, they dropped out of the Anderson Cup to yours truly. As they say in this crazy mixed up industry, even the dumbest squirrel finds a nut sometimes. Beating the Beverly Hills Blonds is like finding the entire Planters factory. But I hope they recorded that moment on mint condition VHS or DVD-R because as far as I'm concerned they'll never see their hands raised in victory at our expense again.

JADE
You're pretty arrogant about your team there Ned, considering.

NED
Arrogant? No, Jade, just confident and when you're a four time tag team champion and have the backing of a billion dollar heir behind you, you've earned the right to a little confidence.

JADE
Four time former tag team champion.

NED
That just brings me that bit closer to five, baby.

JADE
...so?

NED
So? So, how about this, Anglemania, the biggest show of the year, why don't we treat the fans to a match they actually want to see, The Beverly Hills Blonds against D*LUX? No grudge, no hatred this time. Just a fair, athletic competition over those HI-YAH Titles?

After all of 0.00000001 seconds of consideration Jade gives her reply.

JADE
Alright, let's do it.

NED
Now, I know what you're thinking, Ned you're crazy, I'll never agree to that matc....wait....you said yes? You did say yes! That's fantastic! Hey, Moneymaker has got the lawyers with him 24/7, why don't we head back to The Enterprise lockeroom, have some fine wine, listen to some fine music and let's get this contract drawn up the proper way.

JADE
Gee, I don't know if I really share your taste in music what with you being so old and all.

NED
Are you sure? Because Justin's only in the area for a limited time period.

JADE

Ju... Justin? As in, Justin Timberlake?

NED
Of course. S'just Justin. He's a close personal friend of The Handsome Hustler's. Good kid. Just between you and me, he's got a special set ready for Mama Blanchard on Mother's Day, should be a blast. Hush hush, obviously. As far as tonight, technically it's invite only, but I'm sure he'll be willing to make an exception for a big fan such as yourself. And anyway, maybe it's best if you leave D*LUX behind. This is pure brain work, for the sophisticated folk. They wouldn't be interested.

JADE (smiling at being called sophisticated folk)
Oh... yeah, I... agree... most definitely.

And with that the duo the head off towards The Enterprise locker room to engage in a pivotal contract signing.

COLE
The nerve of Ned Blanchard, using sweet talk and the ravishingly sexy Justin Timberlake to con Jade into agreeing to a match.

COACH
I taught Ned all he.....wait.  Did you just say Justin was "ravishingly sexy"?

COLE
What?  I can't call another man sexy without being gay?

COACH
I guess not.

....

Am I sexy?

COLE
Not now.

Thankfully, we cut to the back where Maria stands by with James Riggs.

MARIA
James, can I get some thoughts from you on your match with James Wolfenstein last week?

RIGGS
Obviously, it is a shame when someone gets injured like that.  I may not like the guy that much, but you never want to see him in that position.  Personally, I am glad that the injury is not serious.  I would hate to be in Gibraltar's shoes right now.  You can be 300, 400 pounds and 7'5", but I wouldn't want to have a guy like that pissed off at me.

MARIA
AngleMania is coming up in less than three weeks.  You said you wanted to announce something for that event?

RIGGS
Yes I did.  I would just like to announce to all the members of JR Nation that your idol, James Riggs, is officially entering the Money in the Bank battle royal at AngleMania.  I would also like to tell all those guys that are already in it that they might as well find an early flight out of Toronto, because my AngleMania debut will be tossing chump after chump out of that ring to collect my title shot.  Then, Staci and I will paint Toronto redder than a maple leaf.

MARIA
Don't you want a real rematch with James Wolfenstein?

RIGGS
He's old news.  I knocked his ass out once and there's no doubt in my mind that I would be able to do it again any time I want.  But I got some more important -- MUCH more important, Maria -- buisness to take care of first.  

Riggs winks at her and walks off frame.  

MARIA
Well, there you go guys.  

The magic of wrestling television transports us to another part of backstage, just in time to catch Landon Maddix and Megan Skye backstage, still dressed from their competition earlier. As the duo carry an ice bucket holding a couple of champagne magnums back towards their locker room, they find their progress impeded, as Josh Matthews is in the scene.

JOSH
Landon, can we get a wor...

MADDIX
Listen... it's Josh, right?

JOSH
Yes.

MADDIX
Listen Josh, as you can see with in a celebratory mode right now. The champagne is on ice and to be honest, we could do with drowning ourselves in it right now with the week we've had. Now, I think the result spoke for itself. Megan isn't just a pretty face and she's not just brains, she's a tough cookie. As Jade Rodez found out.

Wrapping an arm around Megan, Landon smirks as Megan tries her best to look humble. And fails.

MADDIX
We fought through shoddy, bias refereeing and we came out victorious. It's as simple as that. Megan Skye proved what these OAOAST fans weren't aware of, until now. She knows what she's talking about when it comes to guiding my career. But she can do much more than talk the talk, she can walk that walk too.

JOSH
Uhm, that's great. But, that's not what I wanted to ask you about actually.

MADDIX
Then what?

JOSH
Well... AngleMania. It's right around around the corner and your plans seem to have gone down the drain as far as getting on the card. You won here tonight, but where do you go from here?

Landon looks taken aback for a moment, mainly because he doesn't have a firm answer. Luckily though, Megan grabs the microphone and directs it under her nose instead.

MEGAN
You don't worry yourself about that. See, Landon, this was going to be a surprise, once I got the champagne opened up. But, what the heck. You're going to AngleMania!

MADDIX
Okay...

MEGAN
Well, don't sound too pleased.

MADDIX
No, no, that's great. But, what did you get me? Because you said it yourself the other week, the titles all seem to be tied up and the chances of someone other than Todd teaming with me against D*LUX are slim. (pauses) Oh no. Don't tell me you're going to make me team with Clark. Or Bloodshed, or whatever the hell he's calling himself this week. Because, if that's the case then I'd rather turf my Mom out of the villa and spend the weekend in Madrid...

MEGAN
No, it's nothing like that.

MADDIX
Well, what then?

JOSH
Yeah, what?

In unison, Landon and Megan glare at Josh and he pipes down.

MEGAN
I've got four words for you... Money. In. The. Bank.

MADDIX
More ladders?

MEGAN
Nope, Battle Royal.

Suddenly a smile begins to creep across Landon's face.

MADDIX
A Battle Royal? You're joking, right? That's... that's too perfect!

MEGAN
I know!

MADDIX
Talk about your Money In The Bank, a Battle Royal IS money in the bank. Oh, I knew you'd come through for me!

Landon gives Megan a quick peck on the cheek, before grabbing one of the champagne magnums and popping it open. The bubbly pours over Landon's fancy ring gear but he could care less right now as he glugs down the expensive champers, nearly blinding himself in the process he's so eager.

MADDIX
Heh... I guess you could say, somebody's gonna get Clusterfucked!! HAHAHA! I'm goin' to AngleMania baby! (wipes a hand through his hair) It's... it's in my eyes. I can't see...

MEGAN
Okay, come on.

A less than dignified exit for Landon, as Megan links arms and helps lead her man off. Still, even partially blinded, Landon manages to let out a loud 'WHOOOOO!' from off camera in celebration. Josh watches on, unsure of what to make of it all, before sending it back to ringside.

COLE
Wow, Landon Maddix AND James Riggs are joining the Money In The Bank Battle Royal field at AngleMania. And you may or may not be aware, but Landon has a stellar record in over the top rope style matches. He's won two Clusterfucks, the SWF's version of the Lethal Rumble. Not to mention finding himself in the final two of this year's Lethal Rumble itself, plus a regular Battle Royal victory under his belt in the past.

COACH
Maddix might just be the new favourite Michael.

COLE
Well, we know Landon will be in there, but also the 24/7 Champion Bohemoth, The Global Party Exchange, Jamie O'Hara. Plus, we've got an updated list right here and we can confirm the involvement of Brock Ausstin, both of Black T, Christopher Patrick Allen courtesy of Theodore Moneymaker's doing, The Cuban Wall and Colombian Heat as entrants. There's some bigmen and big names in that list. And we'll find out the rest in the next two weeks of course.

Cole receives a paper from some zit-faced ring attendant.

COLE
Let's stick with AngleMania for just a second, because I've just been handed this announcement, straight from the OAOAST front offices!  At AngleMania, Thunderkid will take up Alfdogg on his challenge last week, it will be Thunderkid defending against Alfdogg, with the Heartland title on the line!  Huge announcement!

COACH
That is a huge announcement, Thunderkid is out of his mind, Cole!

COLE
What makes you say that, Coach?

COACH
Alf has been on a major roll since losing that title to Thunderkid, and since AnglePalooza he's thought about nothing but getting that title back!  TK is in for a world of hurt!

COLE
Well, we'll find out in just 17 days at AngleMania!  Back with more HeldDOWN in a moment.

Commercial break

[Tony149]

We're taken to what could either be the greatest place on earth or the most horrible place in the universe depending on your opinion, the head quarters for the United Nations of Professional Wrestling in Saint Louis, Missouri. A historic orginization dating back to 1947, the UNPW is where the leaders of the free wrestling world gather to make important descions of matters of life, love, and pro grappling. Why you haven't heard of it, I don't know. It's not like I just made it up. Gathered within the HQ's enormous meeting hall are wrestling dignitaries from around the world, each representing their home nation. Tajiri sits in honor of the land of the rising sun. Hacksaw Jim Duggan represents the land of the free and the home of the brave. Fit Finlay is the man for Ireland but seems more concerned with protecting his Lucky Charms from the gang of meddlesome Mexican minis who keep trying to steal it. Pierre Oulette sits in the Canadian seat, Juventued Guerrea in the Mexican seat, Prince Nana for Ghna, Nigel McGuinness for England, and look I'm not a fucking wrestling historian. Use your god damn imagination to figure out who goes where. Anyway we're shown the podium that rests as the focus for all eyes in the room. A nondescript elderly gentlemen with a terrible toupee and an even worse tapioca suit waits behind it to make an announcement.

MAN
Gathered citizens of the international wrestling community! Please join me in giving a warm welcome to a very special guest, who is here to plead a very important case to you. Ignore him at the peril of not only your country, but at the peril of the entire world as well. He is representing Syria, and is of the soon to be legendary Nerdly wrestling family out of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Ladies and gentlemen, Abdullah Abir Nerdly!

Because this is thee United Nations of Wrestling a man just can't walk down the aisle to the podium. Oh no. His entrance music has to blare from the speakers. Thus the authoritative sound that is Nas' legendary classic Hate me Now is heard loud and clear by the attendees. The selection of entrance music, with it's words of “die motherfucker die” serve notice that this is no docile rookie making his way through the aisle. This is a man who has singular goal and he will not be leaving until it is met. Wearing a black business suit that matches his black sunglasses, Abdullah positions himself behind the podium and launches into a fiery diatribe.

ABDULLAH ABIR NERDLY
OAOAST لقد خربت حياتي ملوث سمعة بلدي! Nerdly في رياتمنت ريسيفيد انني لن يسكت انيلونغر!
:fight2: Anglemania واعتبر موسنت عني عملت بجد الى ان من الصعب على المدى الطويل يستغل برعشيت العضو التناسلي النسوي مؤخرة تبول رمي البصاق مع والخراب والدمار لكم مني أنا أكره أي منها نكرههم هل مثل Bohemoth سأل اذا كان الاتحاد المبالغه براينت ، قال : "انني حقا لا أريد الخوض في اسرافا. لا يمكنك ان تقول شيئا بدون قول شيء مثيرة. انا لا اقول ان تترك وحدها والتركيز على المباراة. Melody فاصبح رئيس الرابطه المدرب بلادي الهدف رقم واحد عندما اذهب  Nerdly ما يستغل هذا الرجل يجب حظر الريادي وفقا لتقديراته الشخصيه استغلال النظام. fرجل من يحصل على مودينغ منتدى لأشباه المثقفAnglesaultالى التدريب وارحب التحديات التي تنتظرها مني" قال كريستكوياك الذي لعب تسعة مواسم في كرة السلة ، اربعة منهم في ميلووكيي

Though the collected audience has no clue what he's saying, there's no mistaking the passion within his voice, and they listen, captivated by the mesmerizing quality of his words. Tajiri, so moved by the speech, stands up to ask Abdullah a poignant question.

TAJIRI
私の生命雌豚はなぜとても雄ん鶏である?? 木びき台は傷害によってこの季節1月中旬の悩まされ、
季節に入る始動機として写し出された4人のプレーヤーなしで一時は遊んでいた ?

ABDULLAH
ميلر استولت على اللقب في الموسم 

TAJIRI
あなたが支配する息子! 

Tajiri pays utmost respect to the dignified speaker by bowing in grace before he takes humbly takes his seat.

ABDULLAH
Anglemania نيويورك (أ ب) - لوس انجلس لايكرز وفل جاكسون بدفع غرامة Marvin and Melvin  هي فضلات الغاز مؤخرة برعشيت براينت مؤخرا دورتين مدة التوقيف Money in the Bank لعبه هذا الموسم لضرب العناصر في مواجهة بعد ان طلق ناري Jamie O'Hara كايل كورفير في الاسبوع الماضي ، اي دور حتى لا يوجه اي خطأ.غرامة موسم الكندي المتزلجون على افضل قليلا الخميس اريك باراغواي انتهت الثالث في مجموعة فائقة في نهائيات كأس العالم. النرويج فاز الائتلاف وند سفيندال الجنس ، بينما الاميركي بودي Landon Maddix كانون الثاني /  كريس سيمون قد تواجه المزيد من الانضباط فقط من التدقيق على القطع في نيويورك حراس الامام ريان هولويغ. المصادر تقول ان هولويغ تعتبر سياسة تحديد اهداف العوز الاجتماعي والرياضي مدربيناير كان يلعب بدون اربعة لاعبين من المتوقع  حراس رئيس جيم رامسي التي كانت معهم في مقاطعة ناسو من مكتب المدعي العام في مسعى لتحديد ما اذا كان اتباع الاجراءات الدولارات التي تعاني من الاصابات هذا الموسم واحدة في منتصف هذا الفريق له امكانيات كبيرة وأنا حريصة اكثر الى الامام

Tears, possibly fake ones, well up in the corners of Abdullah's eyes, as his lips quiver in passionate sadness. He steadies himself on the podium as he prepares to speak in a language many can understand, English.

ABDULLAH
My friends, diplomatic sanctions must be enforced and improved upon! The integrity of diplomacy must be upheld, because without it, we are a world divided! And when we are a world divided, we are a world in chaos! I do not stand before you asking for much, only for equal treatment to be given to all people, regardless of race, age, nationality or credo; tenets that many of your own countries have been founded on, but ideals they continue to neglect! Leaders of the free world, I Abdullah Abir Nerdly, beseech you, do you your duties as trendsetters for this new era of peace and goodwill, right the wrong that the oaoast has committed against me, and demand that Abdullah Abir Nerdly, a proud Nerdly, a proud Muslim, a proud Canadian, a proud Syrian, and a proud citizen of this global wrestling community, be entered into the twenty man Money In The Bank Battle Royal at Anglemania! Thank you! شكرا!

The instant he concludes his speech the audience rises to their feet and offers him a thunderous ovation. Hacksaw runs around the hall screaming “Hooooo”, Tajiri spits green mist at everyone within range, Fit Finlay does whatever the fuck Irish people do, Kane, the representative of parts unknown bears his soul to a Janitor, discussing his hopes and dreams for a better Iraq, Prince Nana dances up and down the asile, and Juvnetued slips GHB into peoples' drinks.  It would seem that Abdullah has won the collective group over, now they must make good on their promise and gain him entry into the Money in the Bank battle royal. We fade out with Hate Me Now playing in celebration of Abdullah's moment of triumph.

COLE
*Rubs eyes*  What the hell?

COACH
Oh yeah, Patty isn't done yet.

We're taken to the grooviest, most funkadelic museum you'll probably never go to, The Getty Museum In Los Angeles, California. To be more specific our scene is that of a pristine gallery, in which the cult revolutionary zoopisa works by LA based artist Tim Hawkinson are on unique display. A visual hallucination of animals, the works are a stunning menagerie of animal forms created by using various household items. You have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about do you? Oh well. It looks a lot better then I made it sound. Sitting in the collection of jungle chaos is everyone's favorite L Word knock offs, Amercia's Sweethearts,  and Hollywood It Girls, Chicks Over Dicks. What are they wearing, Patty? What are they wearing. Hey shut the fuck up, I'll tell you when I damn well feel like it. Anyway, Krista has attired herself in a Fresh brand cropped to the chest baby pink hoody, with an elaborately designed seahorse on the right side, and a playful lace embroidery on the bottom. To match this frilly little outfit, her legs boast light denim True Religion jeans. Of course she has a bottle of Budweiser in her hands and several empty cans on the floor. Alix sports a plunging neck lined pink dress with a fun and sassy beaded floral accent traveling along the side.

ALIX
你好 to our dog eating communist amigos in China! And a big helloooooo world to the rest of civilized society that doesn't look at Snoopy and think “Wow, he'd go great with a side of macaroni salad!” I'm Alix Maria Spezia, swarthy sea faring lass, friend of man, romancer of woman, and bad ass truck driving son of gun. And this is my lowly, slightly less attractive, but still kinda nice to have around, love servant...

KRISTA
Denise Austin!

ALIX
Sorry, Krista, but all your efforts to disavow yourself from the responsibility of how much this segment is gonna suck totally bit the dust when they flashed a big KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN  under your pretty little face! Anyway, ladies, gentlemen, convicts watching in prison in dire need of fapping material, outlaws on the lamb watching on the TV in the family room of the suburban home who's residents your holding hostage, some of you may think we're only in the oaoast to provide gratuitous T.A., cheap b-level sitcom comedy, and unbelievable business exposing matches.

KRISTA
Well, you're right.

ALIX
But we're also here to provide a service to the community! So gather around, kiddies, but not don't get to close due to my fear of a child molestation law suit, 'cause Auntie Alix has an introductory story for you. A couple months ago, my aunt Karen said to me, "Ah don't get why you gotta get involved in that wrestling shit. Whatchu need to do is find yourself a man." Or if I was her I'd find many men, several of whom would be related to me. Then she said "All them wrestling fans is dumb ass redneck hillbillies without no culture." Then she kicked me out of her trailer and told me go fetch her some Busch beer and Marlboro Lights so she could have something to drink and smoke during the Larry the cable guy marathon, that was supposed to come on before NASCAR.

KRISTA
Now if you live up to Alix's aunt accusation and you are an uneducated half wit you shouldn't feel bad, so is our president and half of congress. There's a future for you on the otherside of that rainbow! But we'd like to help you steer clear of possibly leading this country into the ninth level of hell, and not prevent you from dropping little nuggets of buffoonery such as “The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." on the unsuspecting ears of voters that learned Germany already had a democracy in second fucking grade. We'd like to perhaps instill some culture into the minds of you, the oaoast nation. Maybe you can place it somewhere between Melody's bra size, and the lyrics to the limerick “beans, beans, the magical fruit the more you eat, the more you toot.” And even better this educational segment fulfills the requirements of Alix's community service.  At the least, all you p-i-m-p-s who are no doubt banging mad chicks with your CM Punk t-shirts and collection of Austin Aries videotapes, will at least have something to talk about with your lucky prostitu...I mean date, instead of pontificating aloud like a raving coked out of his mind three hundred pound sex fiend over what WWF woman had the sweetest ass. Hint: Trish Stratus.

ALIX
I would've said Bret Hart.

KRISTA
Oh dis!

ALIX
With that said, coming to all you beautiful peeps on two days tape delay from our home town of traffic infested, racially divided, smog ridden, superficial Los Angeles, is the first eva Chicks On Art!

KRISTA
And most likely last ever once the museum curator finds out we aren't  doing an LGBT introspective on Picasso's doleful blue period. This hard hitting but educational show allows us to provide insightful commentary into the otherwise mundane world of modern art.

ALIX
If you're wondering why you should listen to our opinions on art or politics or the environment or anything not related to our chosen entertainment fields the answer is because we're celebrities! DUH! And that makes us better and more knowledgeable then you. Real talk.

KRISTA
I'm so excited about this I've only thought of killing myself twice today!

ALIX (pinching Krista's cheek in pride)
Baby steps, baby steps!

KRISTA
Well, tonight on the premier episode of Chicks On Art we look at 20th century artist Mama Wright. An abstract horror expressionist, Mama Wright is best known for her crabs the size of wombats, and her most famous piece, oaoast wrestler, and Anderson Cup winner, Christian Wright, who just so happens to be one of our opponents at Anglemania.  Imagine that!

ALIX
What a shocking co-inky-dink! We really need to see a pic of this artsy chick!



KRISTA
“Heroin free, and loving it!” Further proof that god does not exist. See also: Dancing With The Stars, Fall Out Boy, Simon Singleton, and the continued existence of Lopez, Jennifer. Those teeth have more film then Miramax Studios. Where's the Terry Taylor, I'd still hit graphic?

ALIX
I'd really like to give ya a brith date on this super hot female, but the only way to figure out her real age is to cut her open and count the fudge ripples.  

KRISTA
I hope she never wears yellow in her life, otherwise you'll have people thinking she's the sun, see her coming down the stairs, and start screaming like chicken little “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!”

ALIX
Christian Wright, your mother is so fat that when she weighs herself on a scale her weight is much higher than what is considered normal for a woman of her age and height. Your Mother is so overweight that she has a high level of cholesterol and may suffer from heart problems in the future. Respond to my gat, biatch!

KRISTA
Christian Wright, your mother is so stupid she never gets full insurance when she buys a car and often drives irresponsibly and in poor conditions increasing her risk of damaging the vehicle without appropriate coverage.

ALIX
Oh snap, girlfriend, the heat has been brought tonight! Christian Wright, your mother is so stupid that she voted in the recent election without fully understanding the issues, and because of that, the candidates that she voted for actually were running on a platform that proposed actions that were not in her own best interest.

KRISTA
Cold blooded Rick James style. Christian Wright, your mother is so ugly that although I may have requested the I'd still hit Terry Taylor graphic be displayed, in reality it is highly unlikely that Terry Taylor would pursue fornication with your mother.

ALIX
Whoop that trick! Get 'em! Whoop that trick! Get 'em! Christian Wright, the matriarch of your family is so poor that she often must take out loans from the bank which she usually cannot afford to pay back on time due to her inability to properly manage money. As a result of this she has very bad credit and now the bank will not loan her money anymore.

KRISTA
Christian Wright, your mother is so fat that when I make fat jokes about her it's not even in jest. You see, most "your mother is so fat" jokes are meant to be humorous because of clever use of exaggeration while describing the obesity of someone's mother, however, in the case of your mother, these fat jokes would not be considered humorous exaggeration, because the descriptions are accurate to your mother.

ALIX
Hey, Krissy, maybe in our ghetto fab, hood rich life, we're sort of out of touch with what makes a chick fergalicious. Maybe dudes really do prefer some girl who looks like a wax museum rendition of the love child of swamp thing and Martin Glick. I thinks we gots to score a second opinion from our biggest fan in whole wide galaxy, Snoop Dogg! Dogg father, as your humble and loyal servants, we ask you, would you mack this ugg woman ASAP?



KRISTA
For a dime bag? Would you festoon a bicycle with Carebears stickers and ride it into the heart of a tornado if only to see her beautiful face just once?



ALIX
For a dime bag and a pony? Because I would for a pony. I love ponies!



ALIX
What if the pony banged crip? Like, this pony jacked up bloods worse then HIV. How about now, would ya smoke a fat one for the hood?



KRISTA
Alix, seriously, don't even try to act like you wouldn't. You'll hook up with anything as long as it's got a pulse, a credit card under the limit, and two legs. And judging by some of the people you dated in college, that last one is strictly on a case by case basis.

ALIX
No I wouldn't, No I wouldn't, No I wouldn't!

KRISTA
Yes you would, yes you would, yes would!

ALIX
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Anyway, we are so, like, incredibly sorry, but we don't have a picture of Papa Wright, anywhere. But we totally wanna make sure we extend a heartfelt congratulations on his recent double life sentence at the hands of the North Carolina justice system.

KRISTA
That means even if he comes back from the dead he's still serving time. What's his motivation, Jesus? What do you say to a guy with no future?

ALIX
Keep your head up and your booty down?

KRISTA
News you can use, Papa Wright. But he can at least take some comfort knowing that his wife's greatest work, Christian Wright, continues to shine to this very day. And it is that piece that we will be closely inspecting tonight.

ALIX
A super eloquent speaker, Wright...

KRISTA
Hold on, he's what passes for eloquent speech around here? Wow, then the conversation our dog has with the carpet after he scarfs some leftover Taco Bell out of the trash bag, would make sir Lawrence Olivier shit has already well shat Captain America underoos in joyous glee. But I digress. Wright, a former HI-YAH world champion, and the 2005 oaoast rookie of the year, is something of a performance artist himself. However, despite winning the 2007 Anderson Cup, his art has fallen on hard times as of late, as the man, who was once a walking Sesame Street word of the day, has now said a grand total of two sentences in the past two months, and has had every last one of his lines stolen by the slimy tramp The Enterprise pulled off the early morning shift at Big Joe's Titty City topless revue, Mackenzie DeCenzo.

ALIX
Oh my god, wait, stop! Did you see that outfit she was wearing last week? I bet the National Geographic channel had to sponsor an archaeological dig through her closet to find an outfit that old.  It probably came with an eight track tape, a pet rock, and an old news clipping saying Jesus H Christ, 28, of Nazareth reportedly turns water to wine, more as the story develops.

KRISTA
Is there anything in this world more likely to spiral you into homicidal rampage then a good looking woman who can't dress?

ALIX
I burned three people to death with a curling iron last week, and ran over a group of inner city school children on a field trip to the zoo, and then backed the car up several times to eliminate stragglers. Fortunately they were all lower class ethnic minorities and will not be missed by the white dominated legal system, thus I will most likely escape prosecution.

KRISTA
And well you should, sweetie! Moving away from mass homicide, and a senseless act of violence we return to Mama Wright's piece, a senseless act of not visiting an abortion clinic, Christian Wright.  Now allied with The Enterprise, Wright is has morphed himself into a stock..no that's not right..banker..no..uh...um...what's his gimmick anyway? Financial guru? Bill collector?

ALIX
Who's scared of a bill collector? We've got called ID! Phone rings, you look, hey, let that ring, I don't know any dudes with an eight hundred number from Mastercard. You ever had a bill collector on your phone, talking crap? "Damn it! We've been pretty patient with you so far! Now when can we expect payment?” You can expect payment anytime you want. You pick a date, that way we can be surprised together. I don't have the money today, I didn't have the money last week, and I won't have the money next week. Quit calling me, I'm sick of disguising my voice, no Hindu people live here, this isn't the residence of Dali lama. Ghandi died forty years ago, he's not Western Unioning you your money, hang up!

KRISTA
Thanks to my therapist telling me to avoid any imagery that might cause me to inflict harm on myself or others we won't actually be watching any Christian Wright matches tonight. So all the festering turds that compose the vast ocean of fecal matter that is Wright's career will stay off screen. But we will analyze the biggest island of crap in that overflowing river of excrement, the man himself, Christian Wright.

ALIX
Let's have lookie-loo!



ALIX
Scarcely worthy of puking on, let alone commenting on. Krista, your thoughts om this terribly constructed form of bovine melancholy.

KRISTA
When looking at Christian one feels a burning jealously of the legally blind or the recently deceased. If one were to be given a choice between nails being driven into one's own ovaries or having to behold Christian in his naked horror, one should speed to nearest Home Depot with haste in feet and credit card in hand. One might find removing lint from grandfather's penis to be a more enjoyable experience then having to view Christian Wright for any length of time that extends past a single nanosecond.

ALIX
I have sorta a new respect for Mama Wright, she's like here's my ugly as sin son, you can put him on TV, or you can stick 'em up your ass. I really don't give a shit, I'm gonna go huff gasoline.

Alix takes this moment to pull out a pipe and smoke it as a mark of sophistication. Strangely no smoke exits the pipe, only little pink bubbles.

ALIX
Oh my god, someone really needs to do the right thing, and tell this dude that folding his arms and holding a wrestling belt does not, does not, does not make him look threatening; it makes him look super-duper cold. Like he tossed off his delicately permed and pressed polo shirt in a moment of spontaneous exuberance during a young republican's meeting after a firery speech from John McCain, and now he can't find it. So he's stuck in the men's room freezing his buns off and stealing looks at disgraced congressman Mark Foley's sausage until the convention is over. Shame! Sooooo, cuddle cakes, who's naked body is less likely to totally obliterate your faith in humanity, God, Buddah, Allah, and Jodie Foster? Moneymaker or Wright?

KRISTA
To wonder who's appearance is more likely to induce a round of violent projectile vomit and frantic clawing of one's eyes out with a spork, is akin to a deaf quadriplegic trying to pick a fight with a one armed, blind Korean War Veteran. No matter how appealing the prospect of an "ADA Beatdown" might be to the inner hell bound human being in all of us and to Melody Nerdly desirer for another Youtube award winner, the end result is that both will come out looking more pathetic than usual; and in the case Wright and Moneymaker, they need to salvage every bit of "respect" that hasn't already been washed away amongst the sea of feces infested sewage that pours out each time they open their mouths or appear on a television screen.

Alix takes a puff of her pipe and bubbles fill the air, annoying Krista to no end.

KRISTA
Why don't we step away from the visual arts and address a performance piece that's akin to Godzilla and King Kong being matched against Timmy from South Park and Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite? That piece would be the tag team title match at Anglemania between Alix and I and The Enterprise. Now normally  while Alix sits on her sweet ass, blowing all the minutes on my cellphone to get text message updates on what Jessica Simpson will be wearing at her next concert, I have to waste half the day I could be using to drink malt liquor and send death threats to Denise Austin, to think of some clever witticism to indicate that whatever subhuman wastes of sperm and egg we're matched up against are going to be squashed in a match no one will even remember occurred a week later.

ALIX
Sweet ass? Aww, Krista, you're so nice!

KRISTA
But this time, America, when your remote flips to Comedy Central it's Wright and Moneymaker who've got more jokes then a Chris Rock special, because they've decided to post up a total of eight hundred thousand dollars in order to avoid wrestling us at Anglemania. Unlike the myriad of other half wits, cataclysmicly retarded miscreants, and convicted felons on a work release program, these two seem to have a brain, and they know like we know, they don't want to step to this.

ALIX (singing Regulators, quite terribly)
It's a G Funk era, funked out with a gangsta twist.

KRISTA (barley able to control her rising anger)
Uh-uh. Anyway, them bea...

ALIX (singing once again)
If you smoke like I smoke, then you high like everyday!

KRISTA
Riiiiiiiight. Them bea....

ALIX (singing even worse then normal)
And if ya ass is a buster, 3-1-0 will regulate.

KRISTA
.......

ALIX
.......

KRISTA
Alright, then. Them beating us at Anglemania? Even Ripley's wouldn't believe that shit. So obviously, Moneymaker, you gotta take a swim through the ol bank account. Now, money can buy you a lot of wonderful things, a car, a house, an eight ball of cocaine, a television, fourteen year old Taiwanese slave labor, fourteen year old Taiwanese wives, a dog, an army of radical Islamic extremists ready to cripple the American conservative infrastructure with the snap of my fingers, a cat, an Ipod, and most importantly a fantastic pair of breasts, as your's truly certainly attest to! But what money can't buy you is...

ALIX
Love, sweet, love.

KRISTA
I don't know, if Terry Taylor had a few extra bucks in his pocket, maybe his weekend companionship would be a real woman and not the stuck together pages of our swimsuit calendar the company wouldn't even give him an employee discount on.  But actually, I was going to say money can't buy a championship.

ALIX
Unless it's a replica belt! But then it would probably just be cheaper if you just wore a sign that read “DO NOT TREAT ME AS A FULLY FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING ONLY AS  AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MONGOLOID DOPE DESERVING OF NOTHING MORE THEN YOUR SCORN AND A POSSIBLE KICK IN THE GENITALS SHOULD SUCH ACTIONS TICKLE THYNE FANCY!”

KRISTA
Might be a little hard to fit that on a replica belt nameplate, fellas! Although seeing that most belts are sold to the XXXL variety of shut in, maybe you could squeeze that on there.

ALIX
Ya know, I guess if you're some pansy ineffectual hipster whose big idea of physical exercise is chopping up lines of coke, then buying a belt that even Ned and Simon were able to win three times might be okay but us real women who live in the goddamn real world where we stop being polite, motherfucker, I can't roll with this shit. I am going to complain and complain about this to upper management until I get free things which I don't want.

KRISTA
The point, which we've seemed to have lost in the preceding LSD induced rambling is, Enterprise, whether you like it or not, and judging by the fact you've gone through six pair of pants since I started going at you, you probably don't, we're all gonna meet up at Anglemania. And, Theo, I can call you Theo, right? So much shorter then your proper title of degenerate jackass who deserves the most painful death imaginable to man. Theo, if you wanna know what's it's like to work in the oaoast after Chicks Over Dicks gets done with you ask your man, Christian Wright. He knows, he knows all to well. Ask him what's it's like to go from being a top ten wrestler, to not being mentioned at all. Ask him what it's like to go from being the future of the company to being Boheomoth's left over trash. To kill a man and leave him bleeding is nothing, but to kill a man and leave  him breathing? That's what we did to Christian. Ask him, and you'll find out why winning the Anderson Cup was the worst thing you've ever done. Alix do you have anything of intelligence to add?

ALIX
Hey, kids, if you think that you'll be able to produce some kinda super awesome hybird offspring with a marsupial mole, then think again, buster! You'll probably just get a five thousand dollar fine, and a severe case of scabies.

KRISTA
You're lucky you're good looking. (Krista shifts her gaze back towards the camera)  For all the crack heads, the critics, the cynics, and all my heroes in the methadone clinic, this has been Chicks On Art. We're done for the night, so until next time, stay sick, you crazy bastards.

With that we return to Sofa Central where Cole has a look of questionable defiance on his face.

COLE
I have a replica belt of every oaoast championship hanging on my wall and I don't consider myself to be a loser! I enjoy having title defenses with my various stuffed animals. Simba from the Lion King is a four time 24/7 champion!

COACH
Oh geez.  Let's take a break.

Commercial break

[Tony149]

CH-CHING~!

COME AND TAKE YOUR VITAMIN X!

Bling Bling plays, and boos fill the arena as Vitamin X walks to the ring.

COLE
Let's go to Michael Buffer and get the introductions for our next X-tournament match!  This is YOUR HeldDOWN MAIN EVENT of the evening!

BUFFER
The following contest is a quarterfinal match in the tournament for the vacant X-division title, scheduled for one fall!  Coming down the aisle, hailing from Miami, Florida, weighing in at 248 pounds...VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVITAMINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!

COLE
And X made it here with a win over James Blonde three weeks ago, leading into this interesting matchup, featuring two men who some would say are above average size for an X-title match!

COACH
But size won't matter for X, he's going to go out there and take out Pete, then move onto AngleMania and take his title!

X climbs into the ring and poses on the buckles, then does the Shane O-Mac Shuffle as Baseline by Quarashi hits and Longdogger Pete makes his way to the ring.

BUFFER
His opponent...hailing from Miami, Florida, weighing in at 277 pounds...LLLLLLLLLLLLONGGGGGGGGGGGDOGGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!!!

COACH
And another interesting tidbit, Cole, both guys hailing from Miami!  I guess you could call this the "South Beach Showdown?"

COLE
Good way to put it, as Pete defeated Landon Maddix to get here, in a battle of two former SWF stars!

Pete climbs into the ring and raises his arms, then stands in his corner.  The referee checks him, then calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

X and Pete circle the ring, then tie up.  X backs Pete into a corner, then slaps him across the face!

COLE
And I don't think that's what you want to do with Pete!


Pete goes after X, who backs across the ring and ducks underneath the ropes, as the referee backs up Pete.  X then jumps out and ties up, but Pete shoves him back into the corner!

COLE
And Pete with decided size, strength, and leverage advantages, as he shows there!

X slides out of the ring, drawing boos from the crowd.  He grabs a chair, and tosses it into the ring.  The referee grabs it, and as he removes it from the ring, X slides in and blindsides Pete!  X hammers away, then grabs a side headlock, and Pete shoves him off into the ropes.  Pete drops down, and then shoulderblocks him to the mat!  X flips over, and Pete goes to the ropes.  X leapfrogs Pete, then backs into the ropes himself and drills him with a flying forearm right to the face!

COACH
Yeah!

COLE
What a shot by X!

X poses for the crowd, drawing boos.  He then picks up Pete and whips him into the ropes, but puts his head down, and Pete delivers a big kick!

COACH
And X caught with his head down!

Pete delivers three right hands, then winds up and delivers a fourth BIG right, knocking X to the mat!

COLE
And Pete starting to get the offense going again now!

Pete picks up X and slams him, then climbs to the second rope.  He jumps off, right into X's foot!

COACH
Nice counter by X!

X quickly gets up and goes to the top rope...

COLE
And now it's X scaling the ropes!

X comes off the top with a missile dropkick!  

COLE
Big move!

Cover...

1...



2...



Kickout!

X immediately starts to choke Pete on the mat, breaking at the referee's four-count.  X then picks Pete up, and attempts an Irish whip, but Pete reverses.  X comes back, and swings around for a FLOATOVER DDT~!  Cover...

1...






2...






Kickout!

COLE
X is getting very close to advancing here!

X delivers some fast kicks, sending Pete staggering into the ropes.  X stops to pose briefly, then goes after Pete, but gets backdropped to the floor!

COLE
And a great counter by Pete right there!

COACH
Well, I gotta say, X's preening cost him right there!

Pete follows X to the floor, and rams his face into the apron!  He then rolls X back in, whips him into the ropes and plants him with a big powerslam!  Cover...

1...






2...






Kickout!

Pete then drops an elbow!  And a second!  And a third!  Cover...

1...




2...




Kickout!

Pete picks up X, and whips him into a corner.  He charges, but X puts the feet up!  As Pete staggers out, X steps to the top rope, and executes a flying bodypress...but Pete rolls through!

1...







2...







Kickout!

COLE
Oh, and Pete almost had it there!

X delivers a thrust to the throat, and is reprimanded by the referee.  X then measures Pete as he gets to his feet, and clotheslines him to the floor!  X then poses in the ring, drawing boos.

COLE
And X wasting more time here, he doesn't want to let Pete get his wind back!

X walks over to the ropes, and hits Pete on the outside with a PLANCHA~!  Both men land by the railing, and X grabs the railing and begins to stomp Pete.

COLE
And X taking it to the floor here, stomping away on Longdogger Pete!

X picks up Pete, and shoves him into the steel post!

COLE
And Pete tasting the steel!

X rolls Pete back into the ring, and executes a snap suplex!

COLE
And nice strength shown by X!

Cover...


1...






2...






Shoulder up!

X complains to the referee, then picks up Pete and executes the OVERDOSE~!  X then climbs up onto the apron and goes to the top rope.

COLE
Could be that big elbow from X here!

X poses on the top rope, drawing boos, then attempts the LEAP OF FAITH~!!!111..but Pete rolls out of the way!

COLE
But Pete luckily able to escape!

Both men are down on the mat, and the referee starts his count!

1!!!


2!!!


3!!!


4!!!


5!!!


6!!!


7!!!


8!!!


Pete sits up, then pulls himself to his feet, and lets out a big yell, which gets the crowd into it!

COACH
Uh-oh...

COLE
And here comes Pete!

X tries to beg off, but Pete isn't going for it, and delivers a foot to the gut, then whips X into the ropes, catching him with a big backdrop!  Pete follows up with a clothesline!  And a second!  And a third!  He then lifts X on his shoulders, and executes a running powerslam!  Cover...

1...







2...







NO!  Shoulder up!

Pete picks up X, and whips him into the ropes again.  Pete puts his head down, and X delivers a foot to the face, then goes for a kick, which is caught by Pete.  X quickly goes for an enziguri, which is also blocked by Pete, who goes to the PERFECT DARK~!

COLE
And look at Pete showing the quickness!

1...







2...







Kickout!

Pete floors X with a European uppercut!

COACH
Whoa!

COLE
Big uppercut!

Pete picks up X, and delivers a pumphandle slam!  He then signals for the end!

COLE
Pete says that's it!

Pete picks up X, and lifts him overhead, but X slips behind the back and shoves him into the referee!

COLE
Uh-oh, and the referee goes down!

X catches Pete with a foot to the gut, and plants him with the X-SPOT~!  He covers, but the referee is not in position!

COACH
Come on, ref!

COLE
Referee not in condition to make the count here!

X picks up Pete, and scoops him up...but Pete slips behind the back, and delivers the LONGDOGGER CLOGGER~!!!111

COLE
HE GOT IT!

COACH
But still no referee!

The referee slowly crawls over to Pete.

COLE
Here he comes!

COACH
How convenient.

COLE
X is close to the ropes, though!

The referee counts...

1...














2...














X gets a foot on the rope!

COLE
And he got a foot out!

Pete gets up and argues with the referee briefly, while X reaches into his tights.

COLE
Hey, wait a minute, X is going to his tights!

X pulls out a set of brass knuckles, and waits for Pete to come back.  When Pete picks up X, he takes a big swing, but Pete ducks, and delivers an atomic drop, sending X into the ropes.  Pete charges X, but X backdrops him to the apron, still keeping the weapon concealed.  Pete delivers a shoulder to the gut of X, then flips over for a sunset flip...which X stops by dropping with the extended brass fist!

COACH
Oh, forget it!

COLE
Not this way!

The referee, still groggy, counts...

1...














2...














3!!!

*DING DING DING*

COLE
And VX steals it!

COACH
YES!

BUFFER
The winner of the match, advancing to the semi-finals...VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVITAMINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!

COLE
Well, the circumstances were shady, but Vitamin X will advance to the semi-finals of the tournament, and he will try to end the remarkable run of Dance Dance Dragon in the semifinals next week, right here on HeldDOWN~!  We'll have that and more as the road to AngleMania continues on HeldDOWN.  Until then, for The Coach, this is Michael Cole saying goodnight!

Fade to black