OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 1/15/04

[Chanel #99]

Fade into a parking garage where Tyler Bridges and Jasmine Burns stand. Tyler is wearing a black and silver "ANGLEMANIA III" shirt and his red and yellow training pants. Jasmine has on a black hooded sweatshirt, hood up, and tight blue jeans. Both are smoking cigarettes. The fans boo as the two look around the parking garage. Tyler breaks the silence between the two.

TYLER
Where the hell are they? TJ's been gone for two and a half hours...the airport's right down the fuckin' street!

JASMINE
It hasn't been two hours, Tylah.

TYLER
Yes it has!

JASMINE
Has not.

TYLER
It has!

JASMINE
Has not...stupid.

TYLER
...prissy little bitch...

JASMINE
Tylah, I don't even know WHY you're so anxious to see Austin...what is so important that you two have to speak about?

TYLER
You wouldn't understand it...it's guy stuff.

JASMINE
What, have a date with the head cheerleadah?

TYLER
...shut up, you stupid mick.

JASMINE
Stupid mick, am I? At least i'm not a stuffy inbred Brit.

TYLER
Whateva...

JASMINE
HA! I schooled you!

TYLER
Bitch, you schooled no-one!

-Tyler turns to Jasmine just as a black Porsche pulls up. Tyler and Jasmine turn to it, a huge smile crossing Jasmine's face. The car comes to a stop. The passenger swings open, and out steps Austin Baker...Ragdoll. The fans deliver a MIXED REACTION as Jasmine jumps up and down, screaming in delight at the sight of her boyfriend. TJ gets out as well as Jasmine rushes toward Ragdoll, wrapping her arms around his neck and giving him a big kiss. TJ looks over at them and shakes his head.

TJ
OI!

-Jasmine slowly breaks the kiss and wipes her mouth, looking at her brother...

JASMINE
Sorry, Teej...

-...but then looks back at her boyfriend.

JASMINE
I've missed you so much, baby...the doctors wouldn't let me in to see you, and Northstar wouldn't let me take time off to visit you...

RAGDOLL
It's all right...I was asleep most of the time anyway.

TYLER
Austin...I need to talk t'yah.

RAGDOLL
Can't it wait? I need to see Northstar...

JASMINE
Oh god, babe, you're not gonna try and get back in the ring so soon, are yah?

RAGDOLL
I want Calvin...

JASMINE
No, honey...

RAGDOLL
I...Want...Calvin...and if I have to take down all of his little lackeys and the rest of the shitbuckets in this federation to get to him, then I will do that...now you three are either with me or against me...

-Jasmine, Tyler, and TJ all look at each other with sullen looks in their eyes.

JASMINE
Yeah, baby...I'm with you.

TYLER
same here, Baker...

TJ
Yeah, man...sure. I'm with you.

-Ragdoll looks at all three of them and nods.

RAGDOLL
...Good.

-With that, he walks away alone.

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

January 15, 2004

(IMG:http://wrestling.1-wwf-smackdown-raw-wrestlemania-tickets.com/images/arena.jpg)

Lucy Woodward's "Trust Me" plays over the rapid-fire clips of hD~! stars, as it segues into the arena, where PYRO~! (no, not the dude from the X-men movies and comics) entertains the crowd...

(IMG:http://all-creatures.org/oadl/fireworks-1.jpg)

After the requisite crowd-scanning to give the fans their 15 seconds of fame (and so they can flash their original, thought out, and sometimes obscene signwork), we throw down to Sofa Central, where we're greeted by everyone's favorite Triple Threat of Commentary...

(IMG:http://deadman.crowfans.com/sting1.jpg) (IMG:http://www.ringfury.com/photos/coleandcoachman.jpg)

Caboose, Cole, and DA COACH~!

COLE
Welcome everyone, to OAOAST HeldDOWN~!, coming to you from the freezing Northeast. Despite the frigid temperatures outside, you can bet that tonight we'll see some extremely hot action!

CABOOSE
For Pete's sake, Cole, you sound like you're introducing a porno flick.

COACH
Well, you know, he COULD be, seeing as how I'm here and all?

CABOOSE
Meaning...

COACH
Forget it, it went over your head.

CABOOSE
...and it came out of your ass.

COLE
Joking aside, tonight we have an extremely packed house, and an extremely packed show. In tonight's main event, a matchup set in stone just seven days ago, Zack Malibu will take on The Underground's tag team of J. Arthur Edwards and huge Gunner Sharps in a handicap match.

COACH
Superstar told Zack that he needs to beat both of these guys for him to even CONSIDER getting into the ring with him. Plus, even if Zack can pull out the win, he might be worse for wear if Supes decides on granting him a match.

CABOOSE
Superstar made the right choice here. Malibu has always looked to overshadow the up and comers, even back during SS' days in The In Crowd. Why should he risk his newly rejuvenated OAOAST career by putting himself up against "All About Me" Malibu?

COLE
Gee, I thought we were getting an UNBIASED commentator.

CABOOSE
I just call it how it is. Not like Harry Hard-On here, who pops like a three year old at Disney On Ice every time a pair of breasts bounces down the aisle.

COACH
So, you're saying you don't like breasts?

CABOOSE
I'm saying I don't like you.

COACH
But you like breasts, right? Cuz I'm not down with you trying to grab my ass during the show or anything.

CABOOSE
What in the world...

"THREE TWO ONE!"

"I'M THE BOMB!"

COLE
It's Calvin Szechstein!

Indeed, the champion, seemingly vanished for two weeks, is BACK and live on heldDown! The fans get up, showering him with the return pop as he steps through the curtain, tonight decked out in a black-on-green Versace, the OAOAST Heavyweight Championship slung over his left shoulder. The champ grins as he walks up the steps and into the ring, already feeling the boos of the crowd as he grabs the microphone and begins to speak.

CALVIN
It's pretty nice to be back home!

Cheap pop.

CALVIN
But it seems, since Daddy's been gone, the House of HD is in disarray. But fear not -- with a little help from Pepsi Cola, the New Pause that Refreshes, Calvin Szechstein will whip this joint into shape. First, let's talk about someone who last week claimed they wanted to be, and to beat, the best. Someone who claimed that they would do whatever it took to become the best. Someone who's feeling a hard losing streak and has NO right to make challenges about being the best... Panther, if you haven't guessed already, I'm talking about you.

The crowd pops for Panther's name, but Calvin quiets them as he continues.

CALVIN
You see Panther... and Axel and anyone else who wants to challenge me, you'd best listen up too. I have won in every situation I've been placed in, you see? I won the Elimination Chamber. I won in a Street Fight. I won in tag matches. I've won in singles matches. In fact, the last time I didn't win...

VOICE
Was when you faced me.

The crowd roars, as Ragdoll steps out from behind the curtain! Calvin looks at the bandaged and bruised man in shock for a few moments, but his jaw quickly snaps shut and he begins to speak.

CALVIN
Ragdoll! Welcome back, man, how's the neck?

RAGDOLL
Bruised.

CALVIN
That's a shame. So, when are you cleared to wrestle? June? August? Never?

RAGDOLL
Next week, when I kick your ass in the middle of that ring!

Ragdoll exits curtly, leaving Calvin in even more shock as the announcers describe the situation.

COACH
YO~!

COLE
Calvin's facing Ragdoll here, next week! That should be an excellent rematch of their Submissions Only Cage battle!

Calvin, by now, has regained his composure, and continues to speak.

CALVIN
Well, you heard him... next week, Calvin Szechstein vs. Ragdoll, LIVE on HeldDown! But don't worry, folks -- the title's not on the line, so you'll continue having a talented champion, and not some silly drug addict.

"CAL - VIN SUCKS!"

"CAL - VIN SUCKS!"

CALVIN
I'm flattered, guys. Anyway, kids, at Anglepalooza, I currently don't have a title match. Who will I be facing? Who will get their chance to unseat the champ?

Calvin grins.

CALVIN
It's a surprise. Good night!

"I'm The Bomb" hits as Calvin leaves, the fans booing once more as we fade to commercial...

[Chanel #99]

COLE
We're back, and what a way to kick off the show. First, Ragdoll shows up before the show even got underway, discussing his feelings on Calvin Szechstein with his old allies in TNT. Then Calvin shows up unannounced, and before you know it, Calvin vs. Ragdoll is set for next week's show!

CABOOSE
Ah, but remember, the title is NOT on the line. So Rags can't hock it for $1000 and some semi-decent blow.

COACH
I could use a semi-decent blow.

CABOOSE
Your mom dishes out freebies, maybe she'll hook you up one day.

("Pompeii" starts up, and out comes the monster Gibraltar, accompanied by St. Andrew.)

MC: You know, I usually don't agree with what Caboose says, but his comment at the end of our show on the First is almost unarguable; Gibraltar probably will be the leader of this pack come January 1, 2005.

COACH: That might be the first agreeable thing that you've said since you've joined the team, Caboose.

CABOOSE: Yeah, yeah...

FINK: Weighing in tonight at 483 pounds, accompanied to the ring by St. Andrew, he is Gibraltar!
(camera pans over to opponents) And his opponents, weighing in at a combined weight of 903 pounds, the team of Ryan Utterback, Gene Idleson, Josh Bradley, and Ralph Edwards!

MC: Yeah, this might be a four-on-one match, but the youngsters facing Gibraltar might be the ones with a handicap!

The bell rings, and Andrew yells at the ref, demanding that he let all four opponents of Gibraltar stay inside the ring at all times. Gibraltar then stares down the referee, so the referee intimidatedly agrees. Utterback and Idleson attempt to jump on Gibraltar's back, but Gibraltar catches them, scoots them around, and nails a double side-slam on them!

MC: My lord! Those are two grown, adult men, and this monster just tossed them around like small children!

Edwards then runs at Gibraltar, but Gibraltar sends him flying back with a forearm to the face. Bradley runs at Gibraltar, and gets hiptossed into a tree-of-woe from halfway across the ring for his troubles. Gibraltar then pulls Idleson up, and tosses him, throat-first, into that corner. Edwards tries running at Gibraltar from behind, but Gibraltar sidesteps Ralph, and sends him face-first into the corner as well. Utterback sort of stumbles to his feet, so Gibraltar grabs him by his tights, and pulls him into the corner as well. Gibraltar then goes to the opposite corner, pounds himself in the chest a few times, and nails a devastating running avalanche into the other four!

MC: He just brought new meaning to the word "squash match"!

CABOOSE: The monster likes to compact his victims before devouring them!

Gibraltar takes a few steps backwards. Utterback stumbles forward, so Gibraltar swats him in the back of the skull, sending him down, flat on his face. Edwards stumbles backwards out of the corner, so Gibraltar hooks him in a Russian leg-sweep position, and then nails him with a stiff clothesline to send him down. Idleson comes out of the corner, and Gibraltar picks him up for a huge powerslam! Gibraltar pops right back up, and pulls Bradley out of the tree-of-woe, slinging Bradley over his right shoulder. Gibralter then connects with a thunderous running powerslam!

COACH: I think the whole building just shook!

CABOOSE: I know our company's insurance policy just did; there's no way these four are leaving here un-injured!

Gibraltar then picks up Utterback and Edwards up by the throat. Andrew points up, so Gibraltar picks them up for a chokeslam. Andrew then powerfully points down, so Gibraltar drives them to the mat with the Double Chokeslam!

MC: My goodness! Death from Above!

Idleson stumbles to his feet, so Gibraltar picks him up with the goozle, into a gorilla press position. Gibraltar drops him into a standing over-the-shoulder powerslam, on top of Utterback and Edwards!

COACH: Looks like Gibraltar is painfully stacking his victims!

CABOOSE: This is like a twisted version of Lincoln Logs!

Gibraltar pulls Bradley to his feet by the goozle, and lifts him. Gibraltar then brings Bradley down with the Chokebreaker, with the impact being so much that he bounces beside Idelson, on top of Utterback and Edwards!

MC: The stack of victims is complete!

Gibraltar then sits on top of his opponents, for the pin............1...................2.........................3!

MC: Seemingly easy victory for the monster known simply as Gibraltar!!

COACH: This man just defeated four men by himself. He can't be human!

Andrew then signals from outside the ring for Gibraltar to toss his defeated enemies over the top rope, and to the floor. Gibraltar pulls Idleson and Bradley to their feet, and tosses them both, over the top rope, by the seats of their tights with one arm apiece! Gibraltar then picks up Utterback by the hair, slings Ryan over his right shoulder, and flings Utterback to the floor, like a lawn dart! Gibraltar pulls Edwards up by the throat, brings him to where his back is facing the ropes, and pushes him over the top with a chokeslam, landing on the back of his head!

CABOOSE: Anyone out there who is doubting that this man is going to win the Rumble; take a look at the carnage that Gibraltar has left behind tonight!

MC: St. Andrew has entered the ring with a microphone, and I think he has something to say!

ANDREW: Good job, big man. But you're going to have to do better! Remember...(sticking his open hand in Gibraltar's face)....twenty-nine other men....over the top rope....you must win. (puts his hand back down) Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at your 2004 Royal Rumble winner. You are looking at your next HeldDOWN~! World Heavyweight Champion, come March 28th. After all, who in the hell is going to beat a seven-foot, one-inch, almost five-hundred pound juggernaut , let alone lift himover that top rope, and dump him onto the floor! No one! Not that weakling woman Crystal! Not that raving psychopath who uses our lifestyle as his gimmick, Axel! Not any of those fools from Intense Zone! Not even your martyr, your little hero, Zack Malibu! NONE OF THEM! January 25th....it's Doomsday.

(Andrew and Gibraltar leave the ring as "Pompeii" blares.)

MC: Doomsday?

CABOOSE: Are you doubting that this man will not destruct and destroy anything or anyone that stands in his way at Anglepalooza?

MC: No, but, even with Gibraltar's size, isn't saying what he just did a little cocky?

COACH: Honestly, as much as I hate to do this, I have to side with Caboose here. I really, really doubt that anyone's going to be able to get this man over the top rope. He's over seven feet tall, and he's teetering towards five-hundred freaking pounds!

MC: Eh, maybe you guys are right. More HeldDOWN~!, when we come back!

[Chanel #99]

(We catch Sly walking down the hallway, side-by-side with Janet.)

SLY: We've been walking for like ten minutes, and even almost us kicked out for walking through a very crucial scene in the movie, and you haven't freaking told me yet: what did Scotty Static have to say that was so important that it had to wait an entire week?

JANET: Well...um, he said that he had a really nice time and all, and he thinks I'm a good person, and that he wants to stay friends....but he thinks that we don't have the chemistry for a relationship.

SLY: Um...I'm really, really sorr....

JANET: Don't be; I'm fine about it. I'm supposed to go out with a group of friends, including him, tomorrow to hang out or something.

SLY: Oh...

JANET: Why so sad?

SLY: Nothing, it's just that...

(Colvid runs into the picture, and taps Sly on the shoulder.)

SLY: (whispering) Dude, this is not exactly good timing!

COLVID: Man, Calvin wants you back at the office, pronto!

SLY: Can't he wait?

COLVID: No...(nudges Sly)...he can't! Now come on!

SLY: Well, um, I'll tell you later. I gotta go...

JANET: Yeah, I got to go call some people about tomorrow...

SLY: So, yeah....(Colvid jerks on his arm)...bye!

(The camera follows Sly and Colvid as they walk the opposite way down the hallway.)

SLY: Dude, what in the hell was that?

COLVID: Get "Little Sly" to shut up, because he's seemingly the only person who you're listening to right now!

SLY: What?

COLVID: You booked yourself in a match at Anglepalooza where the loser practically has to be half-way dead in order for the winner to win!

SLY: Yeah, and your point is....?

COLVID: My point is, what if you lose? You'd be hospitalized all because of a pair of tits and an ass that doesn't want you, man!

SLY: First off, she isn't just those things...she's a person, and a great one at that! Second off, I'm not going to lose. Scotty Static will be drowning in a pool of his own blood and decay after I'm finished with him.

COLVID: Fine, man, fine. Now, what's this plan you called me about on Tuesday night?

SLY: Well, I was talking to our beloved General Manager, Northstar, so I wouldn't fall asleep watching Intense Zone, and he said that he wanted you to wrestle Scotty Static tonight. Now, here's my plan....

(They walk away, as we Fade Out...)


(We cut to a shot of Holly-wood and Alix sipping on espresso's in a backstage lounge area that's reserved for "friends of the GM" (read: no Zack's allowed). Northstar and Silver Star barge into the room. It's obvious by the look on Northstar's face, that he was big news to discuss.)

Northstar: Emergency pow-wow gang!

Holly-wood: What now?

Northstar: I just had a gab session with J.S., John Singleton. We were thinking that the movie needs some more estrogen to break up the whole sausage fest feel.

Holly-wood: Estrogen? You want T&A, don't you?

Northstar: You're a sharp one, Holl. J.S. and I did some more gabbing and together we came up with the "Girlie Gauntlet!"

Silver Star: Ha! That's a fagtastic name!

Northstar: Thanks! Girls you will be performing with Candie for both the fans at home and in attendance and the movie cameras in the arena. So don't just fight to win, fight to entertain and fight to titillate.

Holly-wood: Ooh! We get to play movie stars. Cute! C'mon Alix let's go get ready.

Northstar: Not so fast. I wanted to make the match Alix and Holly Vs Candie but we just saw that match at BBB and I'd hate to give my butterflies a repeat. I tried my best to find a well endowed female to add to the match, but alas I had no luck.

Holly-wood: It's 2 on 1? No prob. I can handle that.

Northstar: No. Its 3 on 1. Silver Star will be teaming up with you to take on the voluptuous Candie.

Silver Star: Naw Naw! Screw that, dude! Why am I on cunt duty? Let Charlie bitch tits handle this. You said you were looking for well endowed females? Well, he's a well endowed shemale. He produces a gallon of breast milk a week! Fucking around with hoes isn't the best use of my superior talents, dude.

Holly-wood: That's funny. I didn't realize being the most incompetent and clueless homo-sapien on the planet counted as a "superior talent".

Silver Star: I know you are, but what am I?

Holly-wood: An ass backwards airhead.

Silver Star: I know you are, but what am I?

Holly-wood: A repetitive ass backwards airhead?

Silver Star: I know I am but what are you?

Northstar: STOP! Look at it this way Silver Star; this is closest you'll ever get to touching a woman without the cops being called.

Silver Star:.............I'm in.

Northstar: Holly?

Holly-wood: I'm not thrilled about having to team up with this piece of genetic dead wood, but I'm dying for a chance to rip Candie's head off her scrawny neck. I'm in.

Northstar: And if you could rip those pants off that sweet ass, that would be mega-awesome!

Northstar: Alix? You've been quiet.

Alix: Uh, yeah. Can we talk alone for a second?

Northstar: Sure we can.

(Holly-wood and Silver Star leave the room arguing about the same stuff they've been arguing about for sixteen years)

Northstar: What's up?

Alix: When we first talked about the movie, you told me I could play your love interest. And I was really very excited to hear that. But, now you're telling me that I'm being used to add sex appeal and I'm just kinda confused. Maybe, you can clear it up for me? Am I T&A or am I your love interest? What's going on?

Northstar: Alley cat, the most versatile of actors have the ability to transcend the limitations of their roles and provide many vital assets to the movie watching experience. Yes, you're T&A, but at the same time you are my love interest. You're my unspoken love interest. A symbol for the running theme of unrequited love and dangerously intoxicating obsession . It also happens that your part is an unspoken one as well.

Alix: Wait, what do you mean by that?

Northstar: It means that you have no actual lines and your camera time will be limited. But don't let the length of your part stop you from doing your best to convey the aforementioned themes. After all, Ben Affleck's dad was only alive for ten minutes in Daredevil but his magnificent portrayal of the down on his luck every man set the tone for a dark tale of vengeance and redemption that made Daredevil 2003's must see mega hit.

Alix: Quit it. Quit talking to me like I'm one for your dumb meathead wrestlers. Don't try to feed me your misguided determination and overblown lies. You promised me a speaking role. I believed you! I thought you were finally going to do something nice for me. But, I see I was wrong. Like I always am when it comes to you. Did you ever have any intention of giving me a role that didn't involve me showing my tits?

Northstar: Of course! Absolutely. I wanted you in this movie more then I've ever wanted anything in my life. But I had a powie-wowie with the casting director and somethings were said about you not being acting material, how you were all boobs and no brains and how you were better seen and never heard.

(Alix tries to fight back tears)

Alix: They....they...said that about me? The casting director.....he said that?

Northstar: Uh, no I said that. But, I assure you, I was only saying what he was thinking. Look on the bright side, your parts being played by super hottie Yasmine Bleeth. So, it's not like it goes to just any ugly girl.

(Alix raises her hand as if to slap Northstar but instead uses it to wave good bye. She storms out of the room almost bumping into Damaramu who had just entered.)

Damaramu: What the hell is her beef?

Northstar: She's upset because she doesn't have the screen stealing role in "3 Stages of Hell" she was hoping for.

Damaramu: There are no small parts, only small actors.

Northstar: Exactly, love.

Damaramu: Eh, don't bother worrying about her anyway. These chicks are in it for one reason and reason only, that's the money. Keep your wallet open and the cash flowing and she'll shut her trap. (Damaramu starts to chuckle) Some women need some added motivation to shut the fuck up, like a slap across the mouth.

Northstar: Darling, are you talking about certain blonde bimbo?

Damaramu: Damn right I am. Did you hear she started a half baked alliance with that clown K.Money? The same K.Money who's living off his brother's big name? I say we squash them before they can even get their foot in our door!

(A smile crosses Northstar's face)

Northstar: Sugar, you totally read my mind! I've booked us in a tag team match with the aforementioned losers and we're going to stomp their fire out. It should be brutally delicious.

Damaramu: I like that. Good thinking. Do what you will with K.Money. But make sure there's enough left of Crystal for me to finish off at Anglepalooza. I want her career to come to a slow and painful death, not a quick and sudden one. A woman's place is in the kitchen but Crystal's place is in a grave.

Northstar: And K.Money's place is right next to her. Sugar, let's rock.

(The fearsome duo exit the lounge area, as we cut to a commercial break.)

[Chanel #99]

COLE
How about that? Our fearless GM, stepping back into the ring for the first time in months tonight, as he teams with Damaramu to take on Crystal and K-Money!

COACH
Normally, I'd say I don't like it, but I'm fearing for my job here. Plus, they might cut me out of the movie.

COLE
We're not in the movie, Coach.

COACH
Then who are the commentators?

COLE
Well, from what I gather, the roles of "Mitchell Cohn" and "Cappy" will be played by Matthew Perry and Steve Harvey.

COACH
STEVE HARVEY? Man, that dude is high-sterical.

COLE
Uh, but Coach, "Cappy" is a ripoff of "Coach", see...

COACH
...what?

CABOOSE
Never mind that, I'm still aghast that there isn't a smarter third commentator in this film.

COLE
Yeah, but usually the back ends of a train are reserved for pornos.

COACH
YO~!

(Cole and Coach high five, while Caboose sits still.)

CABOOSE
I hope you suffer crotch rot.

*Cue "I Want Candy"*

The crowd comes alive as the OAOAST's fastest rising female star, Candie comes running out from the back! She bounces up and down, waving her hands into the air doing her best to work the crowd into a frenzy!

Buffer: The following is a 3 on 1 Girlie Gauntlet match, now making her way to the ring...Candie!

Cole: If this is a 3 on 1 shouldn't it be called a Girlie handicap?

Caboose: The word handicap isn't very erotic.

Coach: Speak for yourself! I boned some Autistic chick back in tenth grade. Mmmm...that girl knew how to love a man right. Mmmm hmmm.

Candie rockets herself into the ring! She hops onto the top turnbuckle and pumps her fist high into the air for the world the see! The crowd shows love for the energy she brings to the table!

Voice over: To them niggaz that be holding the wall, fuck y'all!
Hit the flo start shaking it off, yes y'all!
What we dranking? We dranking it all
We gon' do it 'till we can't or we fall last call!


The voice over fades out and the crowd's joy turns to anger as "Last Call" by OutKast hits! The Acolytes of Northstar strut out from the back. Alix angrily marches towards the ring, while Holly-wood berates Silver Star for continuing to exist.

Coach: Peoples, you're listening to "Last Call" by Outkast, featuring Lil John and the Eastside Boyz, Mello and Slimm Calhoun from the "3 Stages of Hell" soundtrack. 3 Stages of Hell, starring Jenna Elfman, Josh Duhamel, James Woods and Northstar......can you handle the HEAT?!

The Acolytes of Northstar hit the ring. Silver Star stands on the ring apron as if to soak in the crowds hatred. A brooding Alix takes a seat in the corner. Holly-wood does her usual snobbish strut around the ring as if she was walking down a catwalk.

Coach: Don't these guys look much cooler now that they've gone Hollywood? Holly-wood and Alix were always hot but now they're celebrity hot! I found nudie fakes of them on the Internet. Strange, I found a few fakes of you, Caboose.

Caboose: Oh those aren't fakes.

Cole: Gross.

Buffer: And in the ring, representing the Acolytes of Northstar....HOLLY-WOOD, ALIX AND SILVER STAR!

Coach: Silver Star has spent an entire lifetime working and building towards this moment. The moment when he gets to cop a feel! You go, boy!

*ding ding*

Alix and Holly-wood exit the ring. Candie circles Silver Star nervously. She rushes at him with a double leg takedown but he easily steps aside. Back on her feet, she swipes at him like cat. He sidesteps that attack. Silver Star grabs Candie by her blonde locks and hits her with a hair takedown. He sticks out his knee at the last minute causing her back to hit his kneecap with great force.

Caboose: Knowing Northstar's gang, that knee pad is loaded.

Coach: Do what it takes to win.

Caboose: Agreed.

Candie fights to her feet but is caught with a headlock. Silver Star does his best to apply pressure but Candie is able to slip out. She goes behind for a hammer lock. She pushes him into the ropes with the hammer lock still applied. Silver Star giggles in glee as Candie's ample chest rubs against his back!

Cole: Sicko! I think he's turned on.

Not wanting to be part of Silver Star's erotic moment, Candie breaks the hold. Angry that his sexual fantasy has been interrupted, Silver Star thumbs Candie in the eye! As she's recovering from that lethal move, Silver Star scales the second turnbuckle. He comes off with a flying forearm to Candie's face! Both competitors tumble to the ground with Candie breaking Silver Star's fall

Crowd: You suck! You suck!

Candie can't even cry out before Silver Star hooks her legs and slingshots her to his corner! Silver Star puts the boots to his enemy before tagging in Holly-wood. Silver Star offers to go for a double team maneuver. Holly-wood, who wants nothing to do with the nitwit, boots him out of the ring!

Crowd: You suck! You suck! You suck!

Holly-wood goes for a back suplex Candie daftly flips out of it! She hops onto Holly's shoulders for a victory roll.....Holly-wood falls forward sending Candie neck first into the ropes! Holly gets onto the ground and sticks her knees into the air. When Candie falls backwards, she lands on Holly's knees!

Caboose: It looks like the Acolytes have decided to work on Candie's on back tonight.

Cole: Don't be to sure. That's probably just a coinky-dink. I don't think Holly-wood would talk to Silver Star about ANYTHING.

Candie fights to her feet. She's able to lock Holly-wood into a weakly applied vertical suplex. Holly easily blocks it! Holly-wood goes behind Candie. She puts her into a German Suplex and throws her back first into the turnbuckle!!!

Caboose: Candie's in a bad way because she got over confident after beating these gals at triple B.

Remembering her brother's orders to generate T&A, Holly-wood grabs Candie by the shirt. After a brief and futile struggle on Candie's part, Holly-wood violently rips Candie's top off! Holly-wood swings the tank top around like a lasso. She then hurls it into the crowd but it's intercepted by Coach! Coach brings the top down and buries his nose in it!

Coach: Oooooooooh. It smells like virginity

Cole: At least pretend you have some self respect.

Humiliated, Candie goes after Holly-wood. She fires off a series of knife edge chops! Holly-wood counters with a clothesline which is ducked by Candie! Candie reaches over her shoulder and drops Holly-wood with a neck breaker! Candie points to the turnbuckle to signal that she's going to the top. Unfortunately for her, Alix got the signal to and blocks her path with a spring board drop kick!

Cole: Candie just can't sustain an offensive flurry.

Caboose: Of course she can't when she's telegraphing her next move like that. Get with it girl.

Candie falls backwards and gets rolled into a school boy!

Pin attempt 1....2....kick out!

Holly-wood argues with referee, Marty Myrick, giving Candie time to catch her breath. Candie turns Holly-wood around and bashes her in the chest with a forearm! She goes for a suplex but Holly-wood shoves her into the ropes.

"Dodge this!" Holly-wood screams fiercely as she levels Candie on the rebound with a super kick! Candie's neck snaps back violently as she quickly plummets to the canvas! THUD!

Caboose: Where is Zack during all of this? If he was any sort of man, he'd be rushing out to save his girl from taking even more of a beating!

Holly-wood makes the cold tag to Northstar's fiance.

Crowd and Coach: Alix does anal! Alix does anal! Alix does anal!

Cole: Jonathan!

"Don't bother fighting back." Alix yells as she hovers above Candie. Candie crawls to the ropes and uses them to pull herself up. Candie throws a kick at Alix. Alix manages to catch Candie's foot. She then unloads an amazing amount of punches to Candie's face before slamming her onto the ground. Candie puts her hands of her face in a sad attempt to block Alix's furious stomps.

Coach: Guys this jest ain't right! We're only supposed to have some harmless T&A and panty sniffing. But they're really trying to hurt Candie.

The ref tries his best to keep Alix away from Candie as he checks on her condition. He implores Alix to back off but she'll show no mercy.

Alix: Whatever. If she can't keep up then keep her out of my ring!

Candie hits a desperation double leg take down! The crowd pops as she mounts Alix and starts to slam the back of her head against the mat! Sensing mild danger, Holly-wood hops into the ring. She rushes over to the two women and drops a leg across the back of Candie's neck!

Cole: If Marty Myrick had any gumption, any class, he'd keep this match under control. This should've been over when Candie lost her top, now it's just a senseless beat down.

Alix shakes off a few cob webs. She grabs Candie's hand and yanks to her to her feet. She pulls Candie forward as if she was going for an Irish whip but instead smacks her across the nose with a spinning back elbow! The move positions Alix behind Candie. She locks Candie into a full nelson then lifts her into the air and slams her down onto the hard canvas!

Coach: I get it. Alix is the power, Holly-wood is the speed and what's Silver Star?

Caboose: The idiot.

Back onto their feet, Alix throws a hay maker! Ducked! Candie nails Alix with a left hook. She alternates between rights and lefts before dropsaulting Alix into the ropes! Candie then dropkicks Alix in the stomach sending her through the middle ropes and onto the apron. Candie falls to the ground and clutches her head. She's in to much pain to capitalize on her offensive flurry. Alix gets back into the ring. She rushes at Candie and nails the side of her face with a running knee! Candie's entire body twists awkwardly as it absorbs the hate filled blow.

Coach: These women are learning to respect each other.

Cole: What? What retarded school did you graduate from? You don't do this to people you respect. You treat them like human beings.

Alix tags in Silver Star, to the extreme displeasure of Holly-wood. Silver Star lazily saunters into the ring. He sizes Candie up, like a predator to it's prey. He runs forward, hooks his arm around Candie's head and hits her with a bulldog! After a gloating session, he brings Candie to her feet and stuffs her between his legs(!). He puts some motion into Candie's ocean by gyrating his crotch against her head (eww!). Finally he lifts her up for a powerbomb and drops her onto the mat!

Pin attempt 1....2......foot on the ropes!

Silver Star shakes his head and puts his hand on his hips. Holly-wood makes sure he knows the she would've gotten a three count! Silver Star grabs Candie and hooks her into a tiger driver position. Candie slips out! She goes for a stunner! Reversed into a back drop! Candie flips out! She hops on to the ropes and comes off with a spring board hurricanrana!

Pin attempt 1.....2......3!!!

The crowd gets on their feet and cheers the hell out of Candie for pulling off a big win!

Buffer: You're winner......CANDIE!

Coach: How? How? How on earth did she do that! That win came out of no where!

Caboose: It did. Silver Star hadn't been hit since the start of the match, and now he's just gotten pinned! What a doofus.

Alix and Holly-wood storm into the ring! They push the referee who's holding Candie's arm in the air to the ground. Realizing that she can't take any more abuse, Candie tries to escape. Alix grabs her by the roots of her hair and keeps her from running away.

Holly-wood: I've got a punch for every time you've pissed me off!

Candie kicks away at Holly-wood. Holly-wood catches her legs and she and Alix slam her to the mat! Silver Star comes off the top with a Disaster in bloom (SSP)! His 180 LB frame crashes onto Candie's chest! Holly-wood takes off her top and to increase the T&A factor and give herself a weapon to choke Candie with.

Cole: Somebody, anybody.....come stop this!

A few people in attendance start to cheer as " 3 Stages of Hell" "star" Josh Duhamel makes his way to ring side. He's decked out in his bright red, ass hugging, nut grabbing Max Blaze tights.

Buffer: Ladies and Gentlemen.....MAX BLAZE!

The star plays to an increasingly hostile crowd while Candie continues to get pounded to a pulp. Josh high fives a few bewildered crowd members who implore him to go to back and get Zack! Holly-wood breaks away from the assault. She leans over the ropes and makes a beckoning motion to Josh.

Cole: Is this just part of the stupid movie? Did Candie get beaten up so they could film a scene?

Josh Duhamel slides into the ring and the Acolytes rush out as if he had came carrying an AK-47 and was backed by the Israeli army. They run away in over exaggerated mock fright. Silver Star plays the role of a doofus as he stumbles and trips while making his way up the ramp. Josh Duhamel leans over the ropes and points menacingly at his pretend enemies. They cower in fear at the thought of incurring Max Blaze's wrath.

Buffer: Ladies and Gentlemen....MAX BLAZE HAS JUST SAVED THE DAY!

Crowd: Bulllllshiiit! Bulllllshiiit!

Completely oblivious to crowd's anger and Candie's wounded condition, Josh climbs to the top rope and raises his fists into the air like Stone Cold. He goes to the opposite corner and raises one arm into the air like the Rock. The house lights turn off and a lone spot light shines on Josh as he holds his Rock like pose. The crowd for their part, showers him with jeers. Josh stays in the pose for what seems like eternity and a day.

Coach: That's going on the movie poster, friends!

Caboose: Luckily, movie posters don't have audio.

Cole: This is terrible. Candie's really hurt.

The lights go back on and the spot light is turned off. Josh hops off the turnbuckle. He walks over to a fallen Candie. He extends his hand forward and helps the diva to her feet. She's thankful, but a little skeptical of the help. He then crosses the line, by kissing her (with tongue!) and sticking his hand onto her ass! Candie shoves him away and spits in his face! He goes for another kiss but Candie counters with a swift kick to the balls!

Crowd: Candie! Candie! Candie!

Candie leaves the ring in a huff. She limps to the back with her dignity in tact.

Coach: Uh oh. Northstar isn't going to like this. His leading man just got punted in his leading nads.

Cole: Who cares about Northstar? Who's Josh Duwhatver to stick his tongue down Candie's throat.

Coach: The luckiest man alive, that's who. Hey, Caboose, you're not saying much.

Caboose(reading a paper): I'm just looking through the classifieds to see if I can find Candie a new job. She going to need one.

Cole: I wonder if that scene'll make it to the movie.

Coach: It probably won't even be an Easter Egg. Speaking of DVD's, tonight's HeldDOWN~! was brought to you in part by New Line Cinema, whose newest DVD release, Freddy vs. Jason, is out now. We'll now hear from our other sponsors, and be back with more HeldDOWN~! action, right after this!

[Chanel #99]

Coach: We're going to throw it backstage to Josh Matthews who's standing with "3 Stages of hell" director John Singleton

(The camera takes us backstage to Josh Matthews and John Singleton. They're sitting on a makeshift interview set that's a direct rip off of Jay Leno's set.)

Josh Matthews: Thanks, punk ass. I'm here with the master mind and director of "3 Stages of Hell", John Singleton. Johnny, thanks for being here with me.

John: My pleasure, Josh.

Josh: Your last major film was the heart pumping action film "2 fast 2 furious". How does that movie compare to "3 Stages of Hell"?

John: Hmmmm. For one thing, they're both full of adrenaline. In my opinion, there was never a lull or a dull moment in "2 fast 2 furious". We didn't have a wasted motion or breath. Everything had it's purpose. That's what you can look for in this movie. Northstar and I aren't putting in anything just for the sake of having it in. We want every scene in this movie to matter. That's our goal.

Josh: How is it different than "2 fast 2 furious"?

John: It's slower, obviously. That's not to say it's a dull movie. Because it ain't. But one movie dealt with suped up cars and another deals with pro wrestling. Of course it's going to be slower. You'll appreciate every German supplant and every Rock bottom. We're using different techniques to make this movie exciting. I think you'll be amazed at the end result. I'd tell you more, but I want you to be shocked.

Josh: How did you get involved in this project?

John: I met Northstar a couple of months back. I don't remember where, but he was still calling himself Shattered Dreams. I remembered that his dad was a big time player and we got to talking about movies and wrestling and all kinds of shit. We started to talk about how big a joke pro wrestling was. How all the guys are closest homosexuals He told me that the real entertainment is what happens backstage. After he told me the kind of stuff that goes on backstage, I knew it would make a good movie. He told me he'd write the script but that I'd have to wait a few months for him to get power. I waited and here we are.

Josh: Last question. What did you think of Ambulance match between Zack Malibu and CWM?

John: Zack Malibu? CWM? Who are those guys? Like I said, I don't give a damn about pro wrestling. You want to talk about needing an ambulance? Go watch a football game or watch boxing. Those are the dudes who need an ambulance, not some frilly bikini bottom wearing wrestlers. What did they need an ambulance for? Did they break a nail? The only two wrestlers I even know are Calvin Szechstein and the Rock. You think you could get those two to wrestle? They're awesome.

Josh: The Rock doesn't work here....I think we're out of time. Back to sofa central!


COLE
You've got to love how he ignored his lead actor catching an NFL punt to the nuts just mere minutes ago.

COACH
I didn't know Duhamel was on The Sopranos! GET IT!

COLE
Coach, you're killing me. Don't make a joke like that again.

(The music hits, and out comes Colvid of Totally Endorsed, accompanied to the ring by his stablemate, and current WCW World Television Champion, Sly "The Sly" Sommers.)

MC: Earlier, these two were discussing some sort of plan on camera, but we never really caught it.

COACH: I wonder what it is?

CABOOSE: I know what it is!

COACH: What is it, then?

CABOOSE: Yeah, like I'd tell you!

FINK: Accompanied to the ring by the WCW World Television Champion Sly Sommers, weighing in at 226 pounds, from Cleveland, Ohio, representing Totally Endorsed, he is Colvid!

("Make Her Say" starts up, and Scotty Static paces angrily to the ring.)

FINK: And his opponent....weighing in tonight at 192 pounds, from Orlando, Florida, one-half of the Global Party Exchange, Scotty Static!

MC: Wait, Sly's swiped Howard Finkel's microphone!

SLY: Scotty, Scotty, Scotty....young man...I forgot what I was going to say to you. Ring the bell. (Bell rings, Sly starts to walk out) Oh, yeah, I remember....Northstar made this a three-way dance for the WCW TV Title!

MC: WHAT?

Sly and Colvid both kick Scotty in the stomach at the same time. Totally Endorsed both Irish whip Static off to the ropes, and he somehow flips over both of them, landing on his back and rolling to his feet. TE turn around, and Scotty kneels forward, nailing both of them in the stomach with punches. Scotty then jumps on their backs as they're bent, one foot per TE member, jumps up, and falls out with a pair of DDT's. Sly and Colvid go rolling to the outside, where they try to re-group. Scotty slingshots himself over the top rope, as Sly and Colvid side-step from their area. Scotty lands on the apron feet-first, faking them out. Sly and Colvid then turn around, and Scotty nails them both with an Asai moonsault!

MC: So far, Scotty Static is using intelligence and reckless abandon as his partners in this seemingly-handicap match!

Static throws Sly into the ring, and then slides into the ring himself. Static whips Sly off to the ropes, and connects with a really high jumping back elbow. Scotty goes for the cover..........1...........2...........kickout. Colvid slides back into the ring as Scotty pulls Sly up, and punches Sly, sending him back to the ropes. Scotty whips Sly off to the ropes, but Sly reverses the Irish whip. Just then, Colvid pops up from off of the mat, and almost clotheslines Scotty's head off! Colvid teases going for the cover, and then shares a laugh with Sly over it. Colvid pulls Scotty up, and pushes him back to a corner. Sly goes to the opposite corner, and Colvid purposely Irish whips him, giving him more speed for a flying knee to the face, to which Sly follows up by perching himself up to the top rope. Colvid catches Scotty as he's stumbling around, and nails a snap spinebuster (ala Arn Anderson or David Young). Sly then launches off, nailing his top rope elbow drop.

COACH: Totally Endorsed, the masters of the multi-man attack!

CABOOSE: And that's a bad thing, why?

Sly goes for the cover.............1..............2...........Sommers pulls Scotty up, out of ego. Sly gets up, and whips Scotty off to the ropes. Colvid and Sly then pick up Static in an H-bomb position, spin him forward, and slam him down HARD on his face! Sly then waves his finger in the air, signaling that Totally Endorsed are not yet done with Scotty Static. Sommers pulls Scotty up, hooks the head and arm, and nails a snap suplex. Sly holds Static down in that position, as Colvid connects with a running senton. Sly then turns around, and gets to his feet, keeping ahold of the suplex. Sommers then sort of suplexes Static, but leaves himself standing, with Static's legs draped over the top rope while holding Static's head in a neckbreaker position. Colvid then goes to the apron, springboards to the top rope, and both members of Totally Endorsed nail an amazing neckbreaker/swanton double-team manuever!

MC: Static must be out after that!

COACH: He can't possibly kick out of anything after that move!

CABOOSE: Ha ha! Die, pretty boy, die!

Sly goes for the cover............1..............2............Sly intentionally puts Scotty's foot on the bottom rope! Sly pulls Static to his feet, and again whips him off to the ropes. Colvid then catches Scotty in a Fujiwara armbar takedown position, which he quickly turns into a Russian leg sweep. Sly hooks onto Scotty in the same position, and after Sly and Colvid do a stupid Bill and Ted-style high-five, they nail the Strong-Arm! (Double Russian Legsweep position, spin around into a double STO) Sly then teases going for the cover again, but this time flips off Static.

COACH: Come on! What a show of disrespect!

Sly pulls Scotty up, and hands him to Colvid, who then perches Static up on the top turnbuckle. Sly goes up top, facing the crowd, as Colvid goes to the top turnbuckle on the same side as Static is sitting. Sly and Colvid look at each other, and try to get a wave started in the crowd to waste time. After about three attempts, they give up, and go back to work. Colvid slaps Scotty in the face, as Sly starts taunting some fan in the front row from up top. Colvid signals for a hurricanrana. But, right then, Scotty Static connects with a low blow. Static stands up on the top turnbuckle as Colvid's bent over in pain. Static then flips over, and nails a sunset bomb, sending Colvid down hard in mid-ring. Sly hears the boom, and takes off for a moonsault. But, he unknowingly lands on his own stablemate!

MC: Just like that, Scotty Static has used Totally Endorsed against each other to get the advantage!

Sly stands up, and starts apologizing profusely to his friend Colvid, but Scotty uses that distraction to put Sly in a schoolboy...........1..............2................kickout! Static back up, and puts Sly in an Oklahoma roll...........1..........2............kickout. Both men back up, and Sly misses a clothesline. Sommers bounces off of the ropes chest-first, and falls into a state roll from Static..........1.............2.......Sly rolls back to reverse the roll with one of his own, but hooking the tights..............1.................2................kickout!

MC: Sommers tried to cheat his way to victory, but Static overcame it!

Both men back up, and Static ducks a forearm. Sly almost nails Colvid with it, but Sommers stalls just in time. Static runs at both members of Totally Endorsed, but they backdrop Scotty over the top rope. However, Scotty lands on his feet on the floor, turns around, and trips up both Sly and Colvid. Static quickly dives underneath the ring, just in time for Sly nor Colvid to be able to see him when they turn around. As they search for him from inside the ring, Scotty comes back up, on the other side. Static springboards to the top rope, as Colvid turns around and takes a few big steps, and nails an amazing Shooting Star Lariat on Colvid, knocking him out cold! Static goes for the cover...........1..............2..........Sommers turns around and dives to break it up.

COACH: Just a half-second away from a new WCW World Television Champion!

CABOOSE: He wouldn't have proven anything! Sly's the champ, not Colvid!

Colvid rolls out of the ring as Sly pulls Static off of Colvid, and connects with a stiff European uppercut. Sly then hooks Static's head, and nails the One Hit Wonder! Sly goes for the cover..............1................2..........kickout! Sly pulls Static up, and whips him off to the ropes. But, Static reverses it when he comes back from the ropes, sending Sommers off to the ropes. Static jumps into an electric chair position on Sly, but Sly tosses Static in the air, and drops him down with the Sommer-Set! Sly goes for the cover.............1.................2..............another kickout! Sly then goes to the apron. When Static pulls himself to his feet, with inadvertant assistance from the referee, Sly springboards up top, and connects with a stiff springboard lariat! Sly goes for another pin.............1................2...............kickout!

COACH: Within a minute, Scotty Static has kicked out of three of the champ's signature moves!

CABOOSE: But he hasn't pulled out the difference makers, the USA High Angle Backdrop and the Cut Day, out yet!

Sly sits on his knees for a moment, trying to think of how he could take Scotty Static out. Just then, he sees Colvid going up top, giving him a "drive him down" arm signal. Sly pulls Static up, and picks him up for a piledriver. But, when Colvid launches off to deliver the double-team stuff piledriver, he comes down bad on his right leg, and is in a serious world of hurt.

MC: Oh, no. Not another injury, please...

COACH: I hope we don't see a repeat of last week, when Jacob Lyne landed wrong on a dive.

The referee goes to check to see how bad Colvid might have hurt his leg. Just then, Sly Sommers drops Scotty on his stomach, and slides outside the ring. Sly grabs a chair, and puts it mid-ring, flat. Sommers pulls Static to his knees, and gives him a stiff knee to the jaw. Sly then picks Scotty up for a piledriver........and drops him on his head on top of the chair!

MC: My lord! Sly's trying to paralyze another opponent!

COACH: Static just got driven head-first on top of a steel chair!

As soon as Sly can get the chair slid out of the ring, he goes for the cover. Colvid pops up, showing that he was faking the injury all along, as the referee turns around for the cover..............1................2.................3!

MC: Come on!

CABOOSE: That was brilliant! Sly and Colvid outsmarted the fascist regime against them, nearly killed the homosapien Harry hugger, and get the last laugh! I love these men!

COACH: Homosapien Harry hugger?!?! Fascist regime? Since when has anyone in Totally Endorsed gotten a raw deal on things?

CABOOSE: I heard they had their dressing room placed next to you and Cole's last week. That's pretty horrible.

MC: Nonetheless, as Scotty Static, who's been busted open on the top of his skull, and I'm guessing concussed, gets stretchered out of here, we're going to take a commercial break. Back with more in a few.

[Chanel #99]

COLE
We're back, and so is Michael Buffer. Apparently someone put laxatives in his coffee earlier today, and now you know why Howard Finkel did the announce duties for the previous match.

CABOOSE
I hope Buffer's wife isn't afraid of skid marks. Did you see the way he was squirming in his seat? I know he crapped himself, I could smell it.

COACH
Nah, that's just the cologne my great aunt Agatha bought me. I thought to myself that it smelt like ass. At least it explains why females have been avoiding me all day.

CABOOSE
They've avoided you your whole life, and you only realize it now?

*BRING ME TO LIFE echos through the building. and Zack Malibu walks down to the ring with a mic as he's showered with cheers by the adoring crowd.*

COLE
Here comes the Zack Attack!

COACH
But no Candie! She must be in the showers. Wait...Cole, hold down the fort, I have to, uh...use the john.

COLE
Sit down, Coach.

(Zack hops in the ring, mic in hand, and waits for the cheers to die down.)

Zack: Thank you, Thank you, I love you all too! But I'm not out here to talk about myself. I'm here for one reason and one reason only and that's Hoff. (Crowd boos and a small CWM chant starts).

What he did to CWM crossed the line. I know CWM hates me but I've got mad respect for him. He took me to the limit and if it wasn't for him there wouldn't BE a OAOAST or a Zack Malibu, because you are only as good as who you're up against. So when I saw last week that CWM may never walk again, well I was pretty shook up. I know there's nothing I can do that will make up for what's happened to him, or what's happened in our past. All I can do something that will make him smile. I will KICK Hoff's ass! Two week's from now, on HeldDown~!, I say that we have Zack Malibu vs. Hoff! I know you're backstage Hoff so get out here!

*Hoff comes out from the back to a hail of garbage and boos.*

Hoff: You just don't understand Zack. I did what I had to. CWM had to be taken care of. It's about loyalty.

Zack: Loyalty? What would scum what you know about loyalty? I don't even want to look at you. The question was simple, so just answer me. Answer me right here, yes or no?!?

Hoff: Two weeks from now, you and me? Heh, if Superstar doesn't do you in first, then you got it. BUT only if it's NO-DQ.

Zack: I wouldn't have it anyother way. And next week I'll be visting the man YOU paralyzed to let him know that the fans and wrestlers still care about him. I want every REAL OAOAST fan to send emails to cobainwasmurdered@hotmail.com to give CWM their best wishes. and while you're at it you might as well write some get well letters for Hoff because he'll be the one in a hospital bed soon.

(Hoff glares at Malibu, who urges him to BRING IT~! this week. The Underground bodyguard walks off in a huff, as Zack plays to the crowd a bit more. The scene fades, into a collage of CWM photos, with the get well email address emblazoned across the screen, before we fade out.)

Mad Matt is sitting in on a chair in the boiler room of the arena.

Matt:Last week, I said some things that I maybe should not have said. I was under a lot of stress after the knee operation. The good news is I will be cleared to wrestle in a week but the doctor has advised no high flying. I just am going to say that it disturbs me that I have been leapfrogged by an upstart rookie. It disturbs me that some fans can be fickle in their support. I am not saying all fans are like that. Some fans saw that I busted my ass and those are my true fans. AJ Flaire, the X-Division Champion. The belt that I have held. The belt that should still be mine. The belt that will be mine again. Some people think there is not a conspircy against me. Well I direct you to exhibit A and let you judge for yourselves.

[footage from last week of Mad Matt nearly getting ran over by a car is shown. ]

Matt:It is obvious that someone wanted to take me out so I would never come back after walking off to cool off. A couple of months ago one of my fellow coworkers ratted me out and landed me in an insane asylum for a short amount of time. I escaped that no thanks to Jeremy Red. It is obvious that person wanted me out of the way so I could not regain my X-Division Title. Maybe I am putting two and two together and getting five, but I think I know who the suspect is. Who would gain the most out of the X-Division if I wasn't around. That is of course, the X-Division Champion, AJ Flaire. So AJ, I want a match with you at Anglepoolza.

Matt pauses to give the camera a very serious look.

Matt:Whether you did this or not, I have not got my one on one rematch clause which was stipulated in my contract. I only got a four way and the 10 man X-Division Match. Just me and you AJ in the ring for the X-Division Title. The way it should be to find out who is the best. This won't be any match, this will be an I-Quit Match. However, no passing out, no phony piped in voices saying those two magical words, no tap outs, no knockouts. If you beat me to death, you better hope I have enough breath left in me before dying to say those two words. If you knock me out, you better wake me up. The only way the match can end is if those two words are said on the microphone for the entire world to hear.

Matt lowers his head before raising it back up.

Matt:So AJ, do you have what it takes. I have never given up at anything in my life and this will be no different. At....

A cinderblock flies into the ring and nearly hits Mad Matt in the head but Matt manages to duck in time. The cinderblock smashes against the wall where Matt's head would have been.

Matt:What in the...this is getting...

Matt walks out of the room and into the hallway but he sees no one in the hallway. Matt walks off and the camera quickly fades out.


"Oh hell yeah" hits! The lights go down and blue spotlights fill the arena with their aquatic glow. The understatedly dressed Peter Knights walks out from the gorilla position and makes his way to the ring.

Buffer: It is time for the first ever Prism invitational match for the 24/7 championship! Now making his way to the ring from Fall River, Massachusetts, weighing in at two hundred and fifty pounds, the tag team legend and lady killer......PETER KNIGHT!

Cole: He is a tag team legend but he's also a one time 24/7 title holder. I bet he wants that belt back. Especially after Superstar dodged him last week. A dodging that lead to this match being set up.

The blue spot lights abruptly cut out. The crowd murmurs as the entire arena goes dark.

Coach: I'm blind!

CUE: ‘The Game’ by Disturbed

Tell me exactly what am I supposed to do?
Now that I have allowed you TO BEAT ME
Do you think that we could play another game?
Maybe I could win this time!

I kinda like the misery you put me through
Darling you can trust me COMPLETELY
If you even try to look the other way
I think that I could KILL this time…

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOBOOBOOMMM~!~!~!

Pyro explodes and fades away as quickly as it came reveling Axel at the top of the entrance ramp. He throws his leather coat to the ground and runs to the ring!

Buffer: From Hobart, Tasmania, Australia, weighing in tonight at two hundred and forty pounds, he is man known the world over for his relentlessness in battle, he is AXEEEELLLLLL!

Axel hits the rings and glares at the other four competitors.

Buffer: Already in the ring, from Donegal, Ireland...TJ BURNS! From Dahlonega, Georgia...... JACOB LYNE! And last but never least, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania........ PANTHER

Coach: Caboose, can you explain the rules of the Prism match

Caboose: They're rather simple really. Five guys start in the ring, it's a fatal five way without DQ's. The match will go on until one man is left standing. That man is your new 24/7 champ.

The bell is rung and the ref holds the title high into the air for all to see. The competitors stare at the coveted prize in-between vile glances at each other.

Cole: Do you all have any predictions?

Caboose: Peter Knight. He's a former 24/7 champion.

Coach: My money's on Panther.

The wrestlers circle each other, no one wanting to make the first the move. Peter Knight turns to his old rival Axel and invites him to fight. Axel walks towards PK. He then stops and surprises Panther with clothesline. PK charges at Axel and knocks him down with a clothesline from behind! Jacob goes to help PK but gets blindsided by TJ!

Cole: This match is underway.

Caboose: If Panther's smart, he'll stay on the ground as long as he can. No sense in wearing yourself out with pointless moves.

PK grabs Axel by the seat of his pants and hurls him shoulder first into the turnbuckle! Axel tumbles out of the ring and onto the outside mats. PK turns around to see Panther and TJ double suplex Jacob Lyne to the outside! PK makes a mad dash to the two wrestlers and is greeted with a double backdrop over the ropes! PK flies to the outside and lands shoulder first on Jacob's nose! Blood pours from Jacob's nostrils as he temporally forgets where he is!

Coach: We're only five minutes into the match and already we've got blood! I'm marking out, playas!

Panther offers his hand to TJ. TJ offers and elbow to the throat! TJ puts his hands on Panthers chest and pushes him to the corner. He climbs onto the top rope and fires of the world famous 10 punch!


1
2
3
4
5
6

PANTHER COUNTERS WITH A LOW BLOW! He grabs TJ's legs and steps forward causing TJ's body to slip and his face to hit the turnbuckle! Axel hops onto the ring apron but Panther will have none of that! He super kicks Axel back to the ground! Panther hits TJ with a spinebuster just to keep him down. He exits the squared circle to look for some weapons of minor destruction. He looks under the ring and pulls out a fifteen foot ladder! The crowd roars in anticipation of violence they're about to see!

Caboose: Let someone use the ladder. Don't waste your breath or energy just to pop the crowd.

Panther sets up the ladder a few feet away from TJ. He smirks at TJ's still body. As he goes to climb the ladder he's yanked down by a semi recovered Jacob Lyne! The two start to argue about who's going to use the ladder! Jacob settles the dispute with a high elevation drop kick! He climbs the ladder slowly, stopping every once and a while to wipe the blood from his nose. He makes it to the top and stands up. He looks at the crowd who are on their feet and imploring him to jump off. He looks down at TJ and jumps off with a SHOOTING STAR PRESS! Jacob lands on TJ so hard that you can see TJ's legs bend upward and around Jacob's body!

Crowd: OAO! OAO OAO! OAO!

Pin attempt 1....2.....3!

Buffer: TJ Burns his been eliminated!

Before Jacob can get his bearings, PK hits the ring and nails him in the with a steel chair! Blood from Jacob's nose goes every where! Drops the red liquid land on the crowd but most of it lands on PK. PK drops the chair to ground. He lifts Jacob to his feet, stuffs him between his legs and PEDIGREES him onto the steel chair! Jacob Lyne, bloody nose and all has just had his face smashed onto a steel chair!

Pin attempt 1.......2.......3!!!!!

Buffer: Jacob Lyne has been eliminated!

PK stands in awe of the mess that is Jacob Lyne. His attention is soon caught by Axel who has almost regained his footing. PK walks over to the steel ladder. He lifts it high into the air and starts to nod as the crowd's increase in noise signals they know what he's up to. He hurls the ladder at Axel! Axel watches in horror as the ladder soars through the air on a direct path to his face. At the last minute Axel steps out of the way!

Cole: I know this is no DQ but do we really need ladder throwing in a wrestling match? This is garbage.

Frustrated at Axel's evasion of his ladder throw, PK hops to the top rope! He leaps off and soars through the air with a cross body block! Axel catches PK in his arms! He hits PK with a fall away slam onto the ladder! PK rolls around the ground in pain. He's so focused on his own suffering that's he's unable to see that Axel is opening the ladder! Axel drags PK to the ladder. He places his head, face up onto the grounded leg of the open ladder.

Caboose: He won't.

Axel grabs the other leg of the ladder and slams it onto PK's neck! PK larynx is violently crushed between the two legs!

Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Cole: HOW CAN HE BREATH? HOW CAN HE BREATH! I ASK YOU! HOW?

PK writhes in pain as he struggles to free himself from the ladder.

Pin attempt by Axel! 1........2........3

Buffer: Peter Knight has been eliminated!

Axel hops back into the ring. He looks at the man who's standing between himself and the 24/7 title, Panther. Panther gets to his feet and is met with a right cross to the jaw! Axel lifts Panther onto his shoulders. he spins around twice then tosses Panther to the ground back first!

Pin attempt 1....2....kick out!

Coach: That's the first time someone hasn't gotten a three count.

Axel wastes no time in throwing Panther to the outside. Panther throws a punch to Axel's gut. The move proves ineffective, as Axel is easily able to whip Panther into the steel post! Axel goes underneath the ring in search of foreign objects. He strikes gold by finding a wooden table! Blood hungry savages that they are, the crowd pops when Axel sets it up. Axel bashes Panther's head onto the table and then tosses him onto the ring apron!

Caboose: This is going be trouble for one man and jackpot for another. We're looking at a new 24/7 champion and his name is Axel.

Axel climbs onto the ring apron. He goes behind Panther and locks him into a full nelson position. Axel tries to lift Panther up for a full nelson slam but Panther blocks it by sticking his foot between the ropes! Frustrated Axel breaks the hold and nails Panther with a pair of clubbing forearms! Satisfied with the damage he's done, Axel goes for another full nelson slam! Blocked by Panther's mule kick! Panther gets Axel into a Samoan driver position and hits him with THE TRUTH, OFF THE APRON THROUGH A TABLE! The move sends both men crashing through the table! Panther lands on top of Axel!

Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Cole: GOOD GOD!

Pin attempt 1........2.........3!

Buffer: The winner and new 24/7 champion.....PANTHER!

The ref runs over to award Panther his hard earned title. Panther's to out of it to even accept his belt. Paramedics run down the ramp to check on the fallen gladiators. Janitorial crews come down to wipe up Jacob Lyne's blood from the ring. The camera zooms in for a close-up of Panther and catches him smiling at his hard fought victory.

Coach: Panther won! I was right!

Caboose: For once.

Coach: First time for everything. This could be a winning streak or rightness for me.

Cole: But will it will be a winning streak for Panther or will he just lose the title next week?

Caboose: I hope it's the latter. Then maybe he'll make a retirement speech and get out of our lives forever. I'll give the devil his due, he fought well. But if Axel had gone for a powerbomb instead of a full nelson he'd be the champ, not jerky boy.

Cole: Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Panther's the new 24/7 champion. Accept it. Coach what's coming up?

Coach: Commercials.

Cole: I meant AFTER them, you twit.

Coach: Oooh. Well, we've got Damalamadingdong and Northstar vs. K-Money and the Female Phenom herself, Crystal!

Cole: Good man. NOW you can say "Go to commercial".

(The scene fades before Coach can say it.)

[Chanel #99]

Cole: Ladies and Gentleman we have a huge match coming up next with Damaramu and Northstar taking on Crystal and K-Money! Guys what do you think of this?

Coach: Well Damaramu formed that alliance with Northstar and we see that they think they can push everyone around! Well that's certainly not the case and Crystal and K-Money are going to prove that!

Caboose: I say what we have here is the most dangerous alliance in the history of wrestling.......you'd better throw your hat in with them because I wouldn't want to be against them. I for one support this new partnership and look forward to calling Dama's success.

Cole: You make me sick. Even more chilling is this tape that Northstar has ordered us to play. It's Damaramu and Northstar...alone together in a steel cage. Roll the footage.

*We are taken to an empty arena. All of the lights are out save for a spotlight that is shining into the ring. We can clearly see that a steel cage surrounds the ring. Standing in the middle of the spotlight is Damaramu in his wrestling gear, behind him is Northstar.*

DAMA: Well here I am. In this ominous structure. The steel cage. Crystal I could rattle off every cliche in the book about this thing. But we both know what it's really capable of. We both know how dangerous it is and how many careers it ends. Crystal I started out in this business to prove something to myself and to everyone at home.

My whole life I lived in the shadow of Ryan Smith. My supposed best friend. Yeah well he was always the best in everyone's eyes. People would say "Oh look it's Ryan and his friend!" or "There goes Ryan and that one guy!" Nobody recognized me for who I was! Nobody recognized the raw talent and the ability that was hidden back here. So I continued to hang with my friend, waiting for the opportunity to prove that I was better than him. That day came. He wanted to have a friendly wrestling match with me. Right there in OU's wrestling room in front of everyone I pinned his ass in 9 seconds! I proved myself right then! I showed everyone who the better man was! I did what I said I was going to do!

But did I earn respect? No. Did Ryan bow down and realize who the better man was? No. What did he do? The son of a bitch just laughed it off. He said "Yeah you got me!" and then went about his perfect life! Nobody said anything. Nobody gave me credit.....nobody! Hell his girlfriend, who reminds me so much of you Crystal. A know it all bitch who thinks she's above everyone. Are you sure we've never met? Because you remind me of the bitch. Well we'll get to that later. Yeah that bitch always looked down upon me. Thought I wasn't good enough to pin her boyfriend! All of his friends...they weren't my friends! They were his friends! They tolerated me because he humored me and drug me along. Well finally I got tired of it! I smeared his good name! And what happens!? Huh?

*Dama kicks the bottom rope*

He laughs it off again! Well you know what? Fuck that! FUCK IT! I left! I graduated and took my ass to Japan! Nobody knew me there. I would make my fortune and fame as a wrestler. And I did just that. I won the IWGP Tag Team titles in no time! I became Japan's hottest star...and what happened? Politics! Suddenly I was to good! I went from not being good enough to too fucking good! I was blackballed for being to good! I threatened certain people.

So there I am one day realizing my career is over. Then I hear that Ryan Smith has become a wrestler as well. He's become the hottest act in America! That bastard is doing it to me again!
So then I get a call from the OAOAST. They say "Come to America. Compete for HD~! and we'll make you a rich and popular man." So I do it! But so does Ryan Smith! Well I'm tired of trying to prove it through being better! I'll just get rid of him! And I did! I broke his neck! And you know what I said to him while I had him in that crossface? I said "Yeah Ryan.....I got you."

Now that's where you come in Crystal!

*Dama climbs the to the top rope then climbs up the cage until he is standing on the corner of it looking straight at the camera in the bleachers*

You had to come out here and run your mouth! Run down my methods and say that you are getting where you are off of hard work! Well Crystal...you are the opposite of everything that I stand for! Your goody two shoes "I'm here to please these fans and work to achieve my goals!" has crossed a line! You have talent. And I realize that......but you're pissing it away! And I'm going to make you realize that! Even if I have to break you Crystal....you will see things my way! You will realize that you are wrong and I am right! I'm the future star....not you! And why is that? Because I know how to get things done around here! And the more you rebel against my ideaology the more I'm going to hate you and the more I will want to break you!

*Dama starts shaking the cage under him*

Crystal this is a steel cage! It's the most unforgiving structure in the history of wrestling! Two people are locked inside like animals and only one leaves! Crystal I will use this structure and everything in me to show you what I believe! To teach you the lesson you need to be taught! And when all is said and done.....

*Dama looks Northstar in the eyes and smiles. Northstar smiles back with an evil look on his face*

You're realize the right move to make. You'll know how to gain the success you deserve. I know I have. Crystal at Anglepalooza...you will see my way....or you will be broken.

*FADE TO BLACK*

CUE: "I Stand Alone" by Godsmack

:: the lights go out and a spotlight hits the entrance ramp as Damaramu walks to the ring. He poses with an onslaught of jeers pouring down on him before he points to the camera::

ANNOUNCER: Hailing from Moore, Oklahoma, weighing in at 246 pounds, the one, the only, DAMARAMU!

CUE: “Jade” by 1000 Words

::Northstar emerges from the flashing grey lights and smoke with a confident look on his face. He enters the ring and jaws with the fans a bit to an equal of amount jeers as Damaramu::

ANNOUNCER: Hailing from Beverly Hills, California, weighing in at 190 pounds, the Heldown GM….NORTHSTAR!

CUE: "Kick Start my Heart" by Motley Crue

::Green lights flash everywhere, and “Kick Start My Heart” is mixed with the cheers of the fans as K-Money emerges! He slaps some fans’ hands and waits just outside the ring for his partner::

ANNOUNCER: Hailing from Hollywood, California, weighing in at 200 pounds even, the leader of the Firm…K-MONEY!

CUE: “Just a Girl” by No Doubt

::Smoke fills the entrance way with red probe lights. Crystal emerges and is greeted with the fans’ approval. She jogs down the ramp and her and Money rush in the ring and stare down Damaramu and Northstar::

ANNOUCER: Hailing from Coquitlam, British Columbia, weighing in at 128 pounds, the newest member of the Firm, CRYSTAL!

DING DING DING!!

COLE: “Looks like K-Money and Damaramu are going to start off.”

::Money and Dama circle each other while the crowd loudly chants “Money! Money! Money!”. They hook up with a collar-elbow tieup and with Dama getting the advantage with a headlock, but Money quickly counters, pushing him to the ropes. Money leapfrogs over him, and performs a quick hiptoss after Dama rebounds. Dama’s up quickly, and Money gives him another one. Dama gets up again, and gets dropkicked for his efforts. K-Money is up in an instant and goes to attack, but Dama quickly rolls outside for a breather::

CROWD: “MO-NEY! MO-NEY! MO-NEY!”

::Instead of waiting for Dama to get back in the ring, Money gives him a baseball slide, and rolls outside to quickly get Dama back in the ring. He whips Dama into the corner, and does a dropkick before flipping off his chest, much to the delight of the fans!::

K-MONEY: “WOO BABAY!”

:: Dama quickly goes to his corner and tags in Northstar. Northstar charges right away, but Money ducks, and rolls him up from behind for the quick cover::

1!

Kickout!


::Northstar staggers up and Money whips him to his and Crystal’s corner and tags in the Female Phenom! Crystal comes in and starts pound on him, pouring all her fustrations into him from the last couple weeks! She whips him to another corner, and climbs the second rope. Ten punches of doom!::

Crowd: “1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7!”

::Northstar pushes Crystal off after 7 punches, but Crystal flips and lands on her feet! She charges Northstar, but is taken out with a viscious clothesline! He picks her up after regaining his own wits only to take her down with a pump-handle slam! He covers::

1!

2!

Kickout!

CABOOSE: “Looks like Crystal paid for being a little over-zealous there.”

::Northstar drags Crystal to his corner and tags in Dama, who has a sadistic look on his face. Northstar holds Crystal for Dama and he gives a single, hard uppercut that takes Crystal down. He picks her back up and PLANTS her with a DDT and covers::

1!

2!

Kickout!

::Dama picks up Crystal and toys with her, slapping her around a bit. Crystal wakes up suddenly, firing Dama with forearms. With him dazed, she runs the ropes, but Dama catches her with a beautiful belly-to-belly suplex!::

1!

2!

Kickout!

::Dama’s up right away, and doesn’t let Crystal recover by nailing her with a rolling elbow. Dama grabs both Crystals arms, and crosses them around her neck, almost choking her::

COACH: “Crystal, in a tough spot…”

::Dama continues the pressure, with Crystal trying to get out of it::

CROWD: “CRY-STAL! CRY-STAL! CRY-STAL!”

::Crystal tries to use the fans’ support and starts to consistantly knee Dama in the head, and successfully escapes the hold! She brawls with Dama a bit and goes for the toe-kick, but Dama catches her::

DAMARAMU: “I don’t think so bitch.”

::Crystal staggers a bit before regaining her balance and performs a great enziguri! She struggles to her corner, and tags in K-Money!::

COACH: “Money, on a roll of FIRE~!”

::K-Money hits a clothesline on a dazed Damaramu, and one for an entering Northstar. He goes back to Dama and lifts him for a powerbomb, but falls backwards instead so Dama falls necks first on the ropes! Northstar hits Money from behind and whips him to the corner. He catches Money on the rebound, and goes for a vertical suplex. But Money slips out and grabs him by the head and does the SLICED BREAD #3~! Instead of going for the cover though, he locks in the Bounced Check!

COLE: “BOUNCED CHECK~!”

::Dama tries to climb back in the ring, but Crystal comes back in the ring and baseball slides Dama. She then does a plancha! Crystal hits it and starts brawling with him outside. Meanwhile, NORTHSTAR TAPS TO THE BOUNCED CHECK~!::

DING! DING! DING!

ANNOUNCER: “And your winners are K-Money and Crystal, THE FIRM!”

::Crystal slips back in the ring and raises the arm of K-Money. They celebrate in the ring while Damaramu and Northstar retreat, seething.::

[Chanel #99]

(We cut backstage, where Josh Matthews is in front of a locker room door.)

JOSH: I'm backstage, where Scotty Static just got done being looked over by the HeldDOWN~! staff of EMT's on crack....I'm sorry, just got word in my earpiece, it's crack staff of EMT's. Anyway, they've diagnosed him with a mild concussion and a stinger, which they said he could work through. He isn't being allowed to talk to us due to him still being dazed after the piledriver onto the chair, but I was told that Scotty kept muttering the phrase, "he's coming back next week." Whatever that means, I guess we'll find out next week. Back to ringside, with the big three.

COLE
Thanks a lot, J. Math. It's time now for our main event of the evening, so let's get things rollin'!

(IMG:http://www.webpost.net/te/TestBoot/mainevent.jpg)

Cue up "Money" by Pink Floyd...

The crowd exuberance turns into collective disdain, as The Underground duo of J. Arthur Edwards and the huge Gunner Sharps enter the arena, ready for action. Sharps makes a straight path to the ring, while J. Arthur takes his time, trading barbs with fans in the aisleway. The duo enter the ring and bask in the spotlight, as the crowd continues to drown them in jeers.

Pink Floyd fades out, and a song that brings the energy back into the crowd starts up, building into a catchy riff from it's soft start...

"WAKE ME UP!"

The crowd does indeed wake up, as they get to their feet for the arrival of the OAOAST Franchise, Zack Malibu! Alongside Candie, who has had quite a full plate herself tonight, Zack bounds out of the back in a frenzied rush, doing his best to get this electric crowd riled up.

CABOOSE
He might have that energy now, but after this match, he's going to be wheeling his way to the ring.

COLE
I'm taking it that you're not putting money on Malibu tonight, Caboose?

CABOOSE
No way. Even those who tend to overcome adversity are bound to crumble sooner or later.

COACH
...and what about those who never seem to overcome the odds.

CABOOSE
If you're asking if you'll ever stop sucking, Coach, the answer is no.

Candie stays at ringside, while Zack slides into the ring, nipping up right into the faces of his rivals. The referee acts as a blockade, keeping each side back from getting into it until the official bell, as the sound of Evanescence fades in the background.

Zack backs up a bit, per the referee's orders, and he calls for the bell. Gunner Sharps steps out to the apron, and J. Arthur does a little warming up before coming to mid-ring, ready to get this match underway. Suddenly, "1000 Words" starts up, and it's the man who apparently can't get enough of himself, the HeldDOWN~! General Manager, Northstar, looking none too happy.

NORTHSTAR
Hold it, hang on, cease, desist, blah blah blah. Don't get this party started just yet, kiddies. You see, this hasn't been the best night for me...

A small, but growing "You Tapped Out" chant begins amongst the fans.

NORTHSTAR
...however, I still feel that I owe it to you, the fans, to give you a bit of a gift. I was talking with my man John Singleton in the back just a few minutes ago, and we've compiled some more twists to the "3 Stages Of Hell" script that require some more filming! So yes, my lovely little butterflies, you will be part of movie history when we storm the Oscars, because right now, Mr. Singleton is sending a camera crew to ringside to record footage of this match for "3 Stages Of Hell"! Have a lovely night, mis amigos!

Northstar disappears, as two cameramen, clad in "3 Stages Of Hell" T shirts, head down the ramp, taking postions on either side of the ring. One does a close up on Candie, and she piefaces the camera, letting the crew know what she thinks of this movie.

COLE
Look at this! We've got our own HeldDOWN~! production crew out there doing there job, and now we have this movie crew taking over ringside!

COACH
It's like a Lumberjack Match with staff members!

CABOOSE
You twits. Any publicity is good publicity, and I for one think a movie based here on HeldDOWN~! is pretty good publicity.

COLE
But it's taking over the show. Don't you have any pride in your roots?

CABOOSE
I'm proud that I made this company famous enough to gain a movie deal, yes.

Zack looks around at the movie crew, not happy with this new twist, and is caught off guard by a forearm smash to the side of his face by J. Arthur! Edwards drives Zack back against the ropes with a few overhand chops, but Zack blocks one and counters into a hammerlock, then shoves Edwards to the ropes. J. Arthur responds with a shoulderblock on the rebound, knocking Zack to the mat, and then runs the ropes again, as Zack lays low, allowing Edwards to hop over him, come off the other side, and get NAILED with a picture perfect dropkick! Edwards gets up, and goes down again, as Zack plants both feet in his mush a second time! Zack fakes him out on a third try, and J. Arthur falls back to the mat, in a seated position, and scurries backwards into the corner, begging off. Zack comes for him, but catches a poke to the eye from the sneaky legal eagle, and J. Arthur props himself up on the second rope, coming down with an axehandle but getting a punch to the bread basket instead! Zack bounces off the ropes, coming off and down on the back of his neck with an axe kick, and Edwards falls to the canvas, then quickly rolls out under the bottom rope and to the floor, holding his jaw. Gunner hops off the apron and heads over to him, while J. Arthur mouths obscenities regarding Zack. Meanwhile, Zack stands tall in the ring, playing to the fans while keeping an eye on his opponents.

Suddenly, the cheering turns to boos, as "3 Stages Of Hell" director John Singleton and cast member James Woods come out to the stage.

COLE
Now what?

SINGLETON
Hold up. Come on now guys, what's with the turtle pace? People want action, nonstop and hardcore! People want violence, because let's face it, sex and violence are what sells. I just hope you three don't resort to having sex with each other to make a buck!

Singleton and Woods snicker, while the crowd boos them.

SINGLETON
So, thanks to my main man and your General Manager, in order to spice things up for "3 Stages Of Hell", and as a treat to you great fans, this is now a Hardcore Handicap Match!

COLE
WHAT!?

COACH
Who is he to make decisions!?

CABOOSE
Coach, the man makes MOVIES for a living, surely he can make a ruling or two on a wrestling show.

Zack mouths off at Singleton, as does Candie from her spot from ringside. Once the announcement is made, Gunner and J. Arthur slither back into the ring and blindside Zack, beating him down with clubbing forearms in a two on one assault!

COACH
I'm not feelin' this.

CABOOSE
No, but you've been feeling yourself ever since Crystal was out here, and it sickens me.

Gunner and J. Arthur each take an arm and send Zack into the ropes. Edwards back bodydrops Zack as he comes off them, and Gunner bounces off the ropes, timing Zack's landing just right so that he can land across his throat with a legdrop in an attempt to crush his windpipe! The Underground enjoy this new change of pace and salute each other, before J. Arthur pries Zack up off the mat and then rams him headfirst into the turnbuckle, then leans him in the corner. The Underground's yuppie kicks at Zack in the ribs, then moves over for Gunner, who comes in and hits several shoulderblocks, further weakening the ribs of Malibu. Gunner then walks over to the far corner, and Edwards meets him there, taking him by the arm and sending him to the opposite corner, but Gunner spins and sends Edwards crashing into Malibu, knocking the wind out of him! Zack staggers forward, and then Edwards moves out of the way, as Gunner rams into Malibu gore-style, driving him backwards into the corner! Zack falls to a seated position, as Gunner kicks him down some more, then steps on him, putting his foot on Zack's throat to choke him out! Gunner then pulls Zack up, and lifts him up with a military press. Gunner paces around, as J. Arthur hollers "Throw him!" to the big man, and Gunner releases Zack, tossing him over the ropes and sends him crashing to the floor below!

CABOOSE
SPLAT!

COLE
There's no humor in this! Zack is going to get maimed by these two!

CABOOSE
I care.

Candie rushes over to Zack and checks on him, but is suddenly crowded by one of the movie cameras, trying to get a close up while Zack is trying to regain his composure! Candie shoves the cameraman away, and goes back to helping Zack, but she gets pulled up by J. Arthur Edwards and held at bay, as Gunner picks Zack up, then crotches him on the guardrail! Gunner then roots around under the ring, pulling out a steel chair from the variety of knick-knacks kept under there, and SLAMS it across Zack's back as he's perched on the railing! Malibu cringes in pain, as J. Arthur comes over and gets the chair from Gunner, then gets in his own shot, slamming the chair again across Zack's back.

Gunner goes to pull Zack up off the railing, but J. Arthur says to keep him there. Edwards climbs up onto the apron, and picks the chair up, holding it high. Edwards measures Zack, and it looks like he's going to jump off the apron with a chairshot onto Zack...NO! CANDIE RUNS THE ROPES, AND HITS A 619 TO J. ARTHUR'S NETHER REGION!

COACH
YO~! J. Arthur can join the cast of The Sopranos now, ha ha!

J. Arthur catches himself from falling off the apron by holding onto the ropes with one hand, and his "area" with the other! Gunner heads back into the ring, going for Candie, until the referee tries to hold him off. Gunner wraps his large hand around the referee's temple, and shoves him down to the mat, continuing his stalking! Candie backs herself into a corner, and just as Gunner has his hands on her...

CRACK!

A chairshot to the back of Gunner Sharps stops him in his tracks! Gunner turns around, and Zack brings the chair down on his head, but GUNNER DOES NOT GO DOWN!

COLE
He's got a head like a Samoan!

Zack brings the chair down AGAIN, but Gunner will not budge, only wobble. Zack tries for yet another chair shot, but has the steel implement swiped from him. Gunner tries a chairshot of his own, but Zack ducks under it, runs up the ropes, and then turns in midair, dropkicking the chair right into Gunner's face as he turns around! Zack goes for the pin, but there's no referee, as he was pushed down by Sharps a few moments ago. Zack gets up and goes to help revive the ref, but gets caught from behind by a well rested J. Arthur, who pounces on Zack. He pulls Zack up to his feet and goes for an Irish Whip, but Zack counters in mid-move, pulling J. Arthur towards him and planting him with an inverted atomic drop, then following up with a bicycle kick that sends J. Arthur falling into the ropes and getting his arms caught! Malibu turns back to Gunner, but Sharps has already managed to get to his feet, and he lariats Malibu over the ropes, back down to the floor.

COLE
They can't decide whether they want to keep this in the ring or not.

CABOOSE
In the ring, on the floor, it doesn't matter. Zack's foolish pride is about to catch up with him in a big way tonight.

Gunner untangles J. Arthur, who is hurting a bit right now. Both men head to the floor, and again pry Zack up off the concrete, this time ramming him back first into the apron. Sharps nods to Edwards, who starts digging under the ring, and pulls a table out from underneath.

COACH
Unless they're setting up a buffet for us, no good can come of this.

Edwards sets up the table, and gives Gunner the thumbs up sign. Gunner hops back up on the apron, and pulls Zack up with him. Gunner places Zack in a standing legscissors, and lifts him up high on his shoulders, ready to drop him through the table...AND ZACK FLIPS OVER HIM AND LANDS INSIDE THE RING!

Stunned, Gunner turns to the ring, and catches a shoulderblock to his ribs to phase him, then Zack slingshots himself over the ropes, sending Gunner through the table with a SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB~! Zack nearly collapses after the effort, and J. Arthur stands by in shock, as The Underground's plan to take Zack out backfired!

COACH
I take it back, something good DID come of that! Go Zack!

After being taken aback by the change in momentum, Edwards jumps Zack as he's recovering, smashing a knee into his face. Edwards snaps, pulling Zack up by his hair and then sends him into the ringpost headfirst! Zack falls to the floor, but Edwards keeps on him, pulling up the now-bloody Zack and ramming his head into the ring apron, then rolling him into the ring. Edwards goes back over to check on Gunner, but realizes it's a lost cause and just heads back into the ring to continue to work on Zack, while Gunner lay on the floor, as broken as the table he went through.

Back in the ring, Zack tries pulling himself to his feet via the ropes, but J. Arthur comes over to choke Zack on the top rope, then turns him around. Edwards grabs Zack in a facelock, and lifts him for a suplex, but drops him stomach-first across the top rope, leaving Zack hanging over the ropes! Edwards grabs Zack by the head, locking him again in a facelock, and pulling him forward, until Zack is completely straight, with his feet hanging on the ropes, and Edwards DRILLS him with a DDT that causes Zack to take an RVD style headfirst bump! Edwards rolls him over and hooks the leg, and the referee makes the count...and only reaches TWO, as Malibu gets a shoulder up!

COLE
Malibu kicks out!

CABOOSE
Thank you, Captain Obvious.

J. Arthur picks Zack up, then lifts him across his shoulders. Edwards goes running forward, and flips over, crushing Zack with a Rolling Fireman's Carry. Arthur pops up to his feet, and immediately springs backwards, landing on Zack with a standing moonsault in a sweet combination! Edwards hooks the leg...but still can only get two on the former World Champion!

COLE
Great moves by J. Arthur. Both he and Zack are a little out of their element in this hardcore contest, and I can only imagine what a straight up singles match would be like between the two.

CABOOSE
You know why Zack isn't a fan of the hardcore style? Because you have to have a killer instinct to survive those matches. Malibu lacks the balls to maim somebody.

COACH
I'd say that's a good thing. Especially if he ever catches me ogling Candie.

Undaunted by the kickout, Edwards pulls the weary Malibu more towards the corner, and then begins a climb to the top rope. Edwards leaps off, tucking his arms and then outstretching them in a frog splash fashion...

CABOOSE
Final Litigation!

COACH
I loved that movie, yo. The sequel didn't do much for me though.

CABOOSE
Please get out of this booth.

...Final Litigation MISSES~!, as Zack rolls under the move just in time, and Edwards crashes to the mat! Candie pounds the apron, beginning a rally, as both OAOAST and 3 Stages of Hell staff surround the ring, getting the action on film. Zack struggles up to his feet, using the ropes for added assistance, while Edwards is on his knees, still feeling the shock of meeting nothing but canvas. He gets up, and Zack has his eye on him, but just as he winds up for School's Out, Zack falls to the canvas face first, as he's pulled out of the ring by Gunner, who has hold of his leg! Gunner tries to nail Zack with a haymaker, but Zack blocks, and starts peppering the big man with left and right hands, dazing him. Gunner stops the onslaught by bringing a knee up into Zack's ribs, and then he charges him with a GORE GORE GORE!, but Zack sidesteps it, and Gunner smashes into one of John Singleton's cameramen!

COACH
YO~!

COLE
Someone needs to write an obituary for that guy!

Gunner gets up, probably not realizing what he's done, and then turns, walking right into an Apron Run Diving Clothesline from Zack~! The adrenaline surging through him, Zack gets to his feet, and looks down at the cameraman, prying the camera from his hands.

CABOOSE
Does he know what he's doing? Those belong to Hollywood, they cost thousands of dollars!

Malibu picks up the camera, and waits on the hoss of The Underground to get to his feet, and...SMACK!

CAMERA PIECES FLY EVERYWHERE, AS GUNNER SHARPS IS BUSTED OPEN!

COACH
YO~!

CABOOSE
He just destroyed the camera!

COLE
He just destroyed Gunner Sharps!

Gunner flops to the concrete, the camera shot being the KO blow. Malibu climbs onto the apron, ready to get back in and finish Edwards off, but he's met on the apron by Edwards, who nails a throat thrust and then tries to suplex Zack back in...but Zack lands behind him, and pushes him towards the ropes, rolling him up! Edwards kicks off almost immediately, but Zack hits the ropes, and as Edwards rolls to his feet, he gets nailed with a flying forearm! The crowd is ecstatic, as Zack, blood dripping from his forehead, is ready to put an end to The Underground duo. He pulls Edwards up, and calls for the POP Drop~!, but Edwards falls to his knees and goes low, catching Zack below the belt! Edwards presses Zack up, looking for The Objection, but Zack wriggles free, landing behind him! Edwards turns around...SCHOOL'S OUT~! J. Arthur Edwards goes down like a sack of bricks, and Malibu falls on top of him!

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

DING! DING! DING!

COLE
He's done it! Zack has survived Superstar's Underground Gauntlet, and he's survived the last minute "script changes" by Northstar and John Singleton!

COACH
Incredible contest. That should make for some good footage, eh Caboose?

CABOOSE
We'll never know, putz. Zack Malibu has cost "3 Stages Of Hell" some of it's budget money, because now they need a new camera!

"Bring Me To Life" plays to signify Zack's win, as he rolls out of the ring and embraces Candie. The crowd gives the happy couple a rousing ovation, as they make it to the back, as no doubt Zack wants to relax after that contest.

Back in the ring, Edwards sits up, holding his head after being knocked silly by Zack. On the outside, Gunner, his head now bleeding after taking the camera shot, stands up but nearly falls over, had he not caught himself on the apron. He slowly rolls into the ring and wanders over to Edwards, who has his back turned to him. Gunner goes to check on his partner, but when Edwards turns towards him, he shoves Gunner away in anger. Edwards shouts at Sharps, saying "Where were you", all while holding his head in pain.

COLE
Look at this! Edwards is blaming Sharps for the loss!

CABOOSE
It's not really his fault, he was blindsided by a camera!

COLE
It was a hardcore match!

CABOOSE
I don't care, Malibu still had to take a shortcut to beat these guys.

Sharps tries reasoning, but the repeated shoves by Edwards make him grow more tense by the moment. Sharps tries to reason one last time, but Edwards slaps the taste out of his mouth, and says "No, YOU listen to ME, all right!" Edwards turns to leave, but Gunner pulls him back. Edwards starts to mouth off, but then GUNNER GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT!

COACH
Oh no. The sleeping giant has awoken!

Edwards begs for his life, but Sharps is fuming. Sharps lets go of Edwards throat a minute later though, to the displeasure of the fans, apparently thinking better of the situation...until he boots Edwards in the ribs!

COLE
What the hell...

Sharps lifts Edwards up... ALL GUNS BLAZING...AND DROPS EDWARDS OVER THE ROPES ONTO THE FLOOR!

COACH
HOLY YO-YO'S~!

CABOOSE
Holy yo-yo's? Who writes your material, Carrot Top?

Edwards is DEAD on the floor, as Gunner Sharps exits the ring. The bloody hoss looks down at the body of the conniving lawyer, and heads up the ramp, disgusted not only with the outcome of this match, but with his now-ex partner's treatment of him!

COLE
What a way to go out! Zack Malibu survived The Underground, but The Underground didn't survive The Underground, as J. Arthur Edwards pushed Gunner Sharps to his limits tonight!

COACH
Wonder what ol' Supes thinks of this?

COLE
I'm sure we'll find out soon enough, like in seven days when HeldDOWN~! returns for another Thursday night of action! Fans, I'm Michael Cole, saying good night for Caboose and The Coach~!