OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 6/5/2016

[Chanel #99]

OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-
BROADCAST IN OAOAST HD AND 3D

 

RENEE
Ladies and gentlemen we are live and on the air for OAOAST HeldDOWN~! I am Renee Young with color commentating's most controversial figure Da Coach at my side ready for a hot night of steaming action!
 

You know I'm bringing bombastic
I'm feeling fucking fantastic
Turn up the music yeah blast it
You know I'm playing like, no more Mr. Nice Guy

You know I'm bringing bombastic
I'm feeling fucking fantastic
Turn up the music yeah blast it
You know I'm playing like, no more Mr. Nice Guy
I'm coming for you
 

With “Bombastic” playing the fans are on their feet and celebrating the arrival of Alix Maria Spezia, in daisy dukes and blue polo along with the ball gown dressed Queen Esther!

RENEE
How awesome is it to see these two back again?

COACH
It ain't awesome if you're The Serial Thriller.

Alix and Queen Esther enter the ring, soaking in the cheers of the audience before speaking.

ALIX
Yaaaahoooooooooo we are thirty one flavors of stoked to be back in front of you! Righite right, Queen Esther?

QUEEN ESTHER
Indeed we are! Nothing brings us more joy than the peasant class. You are the reason we do this! The smells, the stench, the rank odor you live under, its all so novel!

ALIX
I'd like to write a novel myself, dudes, because I'm literary as shit.

QUEEN ESTHER
My father preferred the burning of books and those who wrote them to the reading, but this I will allow.

ALIX
Coolios beanios. My book is called “The Law.” And it totally details the laws we need to live healthy, productive, semi-legal lives. First law, don't have sex with  a chick that rates bellow a seven. That's law!   You buy a hooker, don't forget to tip. That's law! If you a broke nigga, that's against the law! When you're in the strip club, you put a twenty in my g-string, that's law!  If you a bad bitch then you give head the first night...

“THAT'S LAW!”

ALIX
If you got a big dick, you lay down pipe real hard!

“THAT'S LAW!”

ALIX
Don't go to club if you're not a baller!

“THAT'S LAW!”

ALIX
If you cut a bad bitch's hair you get fucked up!

“THAT'S LAW!”

ALIX
And who broke that law, my sheeple?

“SERIAL RAPIST! SERIAL RAPIST! SERIAL RAPIST!”

ALIX
Oh my gosh! He's a rapist too?! Who knew! Who knew! Tyler Bryant, you made a big mistake when you slashed Krista's golden locks at AngleMania! A big mistake! You've got middle aged woman dumping miracle-grow on her head and sitting in a basement throwing knives into a picture of your face.

QUEEN ESTHER
I believe she has moved onto arrows as befits a woman of her aim and archery talents.

ALIX
Well, whatevs, problem is, Tyler Bryant, you've got problems! Major league problems, and I ain't talking declining negro participation in baseball. I'm talking like the Duncan household got guns for all niggas named Tyler Bryant! Tyler Bryant working at the Taco Bell on pico, we got guns for him! Tyler Bryant, slanging my dad's ass in prison to his Aryan nation homies? We got guns for him! Tyler Bryant singing karaoke in Milwaukee, we got guns for him? Tyler Bryant holding the world title...we got guns for him!

“YYYYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

ALIX
There's no peace for you now, Tyler! We were cool once, but that day is over like Grover, who is not over, he is my least favorite puppet character.

QUEEN ESTHER
You mean he is not real?!

ALIX
Beef has been put in these streets, Tyler, beef put down by you when you stabbed Krista in the heart, with shears, which actually stabbed her hair, which was more cutting than stabbed! You escaped Atlanta with your ass in tact and your title on your waist, but your luck has ran out like my stash of weed after Pierce and the gang rolled through the mansion! Vengeance belongs to the Duncan family, the world title belongs to the Duncan family, and you know what else belongs to the Duncan family? Well, nothing else really as it relates to you, but those two things are major, trust me! And you're gonna be sorry when I come and take them outta your skinny ass! 

“YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“Bombastic” hits again and Alix and Queen Esther are happy to again revel in the fans' love.

COACH
Alix done laid down her law, but Tyler ain't no law abiding citizen. There's gonna be some major heat going down now.

[Chanel #99]

Inside the Maguire family dressing room, we find Colin Maguire dabbing away at a landscape painting when Theodore Moneymaker enters the room.

COLIN
Theodore, welcome.

BUCKWORTH
Colin, I see you've returned to your artistic endeavors.

Colin dashes a stroke of green onto his painting.

COLIN
There is little else to do at the moment. I have had my fill of tormenting my sister and I find my days grow dull without someone wanting to kill me.

BUCKWORTH
Perhaps I can enliven them.

Interested, Colin turns to his former boss with a smile

COLIN
I welcome the effort, certainly.

BUCKWORTH
I require the help of one who has a penchant for defeating death.

COLIN
This would be me. What can I do for you?

BUCKWORTH
I would like your aid in a heist.

COLIN
Ah, I am to presume you wish me to steal the sword Elysium from one Caeldori Fox. But, then that would also entail me teaming up with Jason Silver, a lackey of Leon Rodez, the same man who waged war upon my family. And if you were to suggest I-

BUCKWORTH
Colin, should that sword not be retrieved from Miss Fox, she will plunge it through my stomach. It is not a matter of if, but when. Can I count on your help or not?

COLIN
Anything for a friend.

BUCKWORTH
Thank you.

After nodding his “your welcome” Colin turns back to his painting.

[Chanel #99]

COMING IN JULY

THE CHALLENGE: SINGLED OUT~!

*** The Masked Mutants w/ Studderboxx vs. A$AP Blondie & Alexander The Magnificent ***

Showcase for the members of Vainglorious Bastards USA. They picked up the W after Alexander submitted Slime with the Katahajime.

Winners: A$AP Blondie & Alexander The Magnificent, via submission.

After the match Team SCREAM's Oscar Friberg -- who clearly hasn't forgotten what happened in the U.S. Title tournament (in Alexander's return he helped Blondie beat Oscar, joining the USA chapter of Mexico's Vainglorious Bastards rudo stable) -- tried getting at the duo but was restrained by OAOAST officials. 

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

As we return from commercial break we find Bohemoth in the ring, clad in a pinstriped suit and black sunglasses. 

BOHEMOTH
I look into my email account today and everyday and what do I see? Petitions. Nothing but petitions! Sign this petition to give this baby tiger a new lease on life, sign this petition to come down harder on drunk drivers. Who gives a shit?!! Where's the petition to get Bohemoth a world title shot?! Why aren't you trying to reverse the decision made by that bitch Sophie!

“BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BOHEMOTH
But, if I can't get the world title, I'll take the next best thing because I'm a man. THE MAN! THE REAL MAN! Northstar! You think we forgot you used to prance around in glitter and makeup. Now its time to face the reckoning for your past. You're not fit to be the US champion. I don't care how many tourneys you've ever won! You didn't beat THE MAN! And you'll never beat him! That belt is mine!

Black ocean, cold and dark
I am the hungry shark, fast and merciless
But the only girl that could talk to him just couldn't swim
Tell me what's worse than this
And it echoes in the halls
They danced along the walls
The memories of your ghost
You are the one that I used to love
And I'm still in love, but I've never loved you the most

I've seen better days
So unafraid in my youth
I can't breathe, much less believe

“Lydia” hits and through its shredding and wailing comes the newly crowned US champion, Northstar.

RENEE
Out of the fire and into another fire for Northstar.

Northstar squares up to the towering beast in front of him.

NORTHSTAR
You want a United States title match?

BOHEMOTH
Damn right! You heard me!

NORTHSTAR
But you were not deemed worthy to be in the tournament.

BOHEMOTH
I didn't ask to be in the tournament!

NORTHSTAR
But now you want the spoils. You contradict yourself.

BOHEMOTH
How about I contradict my hands around your neck?

Bohemoth steps towards the champion, ready to wrangle him, but his attempt, and perhaps his career is stopped short by SER ALEARYS CHANCE bashing him in the back with a shovel!

“OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Oh my god!

Bohemoth crumples to his knees, weakened mightily gushing much blood. Far too much to be healthy, and it comes fast enough that he can scarcely move. AC is in heaven at this mayhem. It delights him so much he tees off once more and slashes the shove across Bo's head!

RENEE
OH MY GOD!

And again the shovel crashes into Bohemoth's head, a thundering blow, a geyser of blood now erupting!

“OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!” the audience reacts, many too horriefed to even look at what they're seeing.

Once more AC uses his shovel, tearing about more of Bohemoth's skull and taking even more blood. Its a truly awful sight, and one that as AC rather delighted with himself and his weapon Yet thankfully that final terrible strike satisfies his quest for crimson and he turns to his lord.

AC THE EXILE
Now then, that buries that particular problem! 

NORTHSTAR

COACH
Yo, that shit was nasty as hell!

RENEE
AC The Exile...he just...ewwww I think I'm gonna be sick! What did he just do?

[Chanel #99]

***TurboWolf Vs Anson Cutter W/The Rizzo***
Rizzo was complaining to Renee about this match being made as he stood at ringside.

THE RIZZO
Hey-uh, this ain't the come up we had envisioned!

RENEE
What am I supposed to do about that?!

Cutter got trapped in the corner and hit with repeated corner lariats to Rizzo's horror!

THE RIZZO
Ya gotta make it stop!

RENEE
I'm just the announcer!

Thrown back to the center of the ring, Cutter tried to escape but was caught by the Werewolf and given an Infection (turnbuckle powerbomb)

COACH
That move can end careers. Won't you help him, Renee?

RENEE
Quit bugging me!

Cutter crawled out the corner and used elbows in his defense, but they did precious little damage to TW. Rizzo jumping on the apron provided a moment to recover for the East St.Louis naitve but it also got Rizzo booted in the face. TW turned around to block Cutter's thez press with a spine buster then went up top to finish Cutter off with a 10,000 Fist superman punch!

Winner: TurboWolf, via pinfall

Post-match TW went to the top turnbuckle and made the belt motion around his waist.

RENEE
That's a message to you, Outlaw Cello.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Bakcstage in the rocking interview lounge, Sara Jean Underwood is on hand to chill with the Mardi Gras Ass Wrecking Crew.

SARA JEAN
Hey, everybody, Sara Jean here with Bobbi Cheesecake and December Belle. And you two, really tough loss at School's Out- 

BOBBI
I'm going nuts just thinking about it!

DECEMBER
Oh no, A mind is a terrible thing to lose.

BOBBI
So are the women's tag team titles! I was gonna kickoff the Blackout with a huge amazing gangbang, but that stupid Doll and her stupid friends ruined my mood! That never happens! I'm never out of gangbang mood. And now the Blackout is ruined for me!

DECEMBER
Oh, no, our tights won't match anymore.

SARA JEAN
Even I know that's not what the Blackout  means.

DECEMBER
My mood is ruined too, though. But, it was nice of The Doll to call me memorable.

BOBBI
Agggghhhh! She wasn't calling you memorable! She's a bad guy, just like Pretty Young Money!

DECEMBER
Oh, is she the enemy? Even though she complimented me like PYM used to?

SARA JEAN
Um, it shouldn't be so hard to get what she meant.

DECEMBER
Hm? No... Maybe? It doesn't really matter... Guess it's time for them all to pay.

BOBBI
Yeah! That's the truth! They're just the worst, and the worst get their asses wrecked!

[Chanel #99]

*** VICE & Joey The Rat vs. The 3 Amigos ***

Having turned down a "protection" plan from VICE/Joey and attacked over it, revenge was on the mind of the Amigos going into this one. Instead Joey, who let VICE fight he bulk of the match, lured Chick away from ringside after tossing a fan's beer in his face. VICE then took out Mariachi and CPA K.O.'d Juicy with a Gigaton Punch for the 1-2-3.

Winners: VICE & Joey The Rat, via pinfall.

VICE proceed to slap Mariachi and Juicy around following the match, prompting DAISUKE MOTOZAKI to rush the ring. Outnumbered Dice-M found himself in a bad way, but Chick returned to even the odds only for Joey to flip it back to the heel side. This brought out the other two-thirds of the OAOAST 6-man tag champs THE PARTY BRIGADE, who along with their partner Dice-M finally cleared the ring of VICE/Joey. 

VICE & JOEY
 

The 6-man champs helped the 3 Amigos to their feet and raised their hands.

[Chanel #99]

In the backstage area we find the not so unusual sight of Sammi Cayley with Gloss Angieacola. What is odd is the paint, paint brushes, and giant wooden stand with body part sized holes cut into it.

SAMMI
Are you sure this will work?

GLOSS
Of course I'm sure! I'll use my charms, my big butt, to lure Mathis Golden away from his tag match with The XFL, then poor Xavier will get a lesser partner and its easy peasy victory for our boys.

SAMMI
Okay, if you so. I guess I'll leave you to your construction problem. Better hurry though, Mathis should be by here any minute.

Off Sammi goes, and now Gloss has to put her hard hat on and get to work!

GLOSS
Hmmmm, lets put plan into action!

Gloss dips her brush into her can of paint and proceeds to go to work on her board in a flourish and soon enough bubbly letters read “FREE ANAL”

GLOSS
It HAS to work! It worked on Mussolini and lost him the war. I saved my country! I can help Blaine and Spencer!

Not even needing her vampire hearing, Gloss can hear the heavy footsteps of MATHIS GOLDEN trodding down the hall.

GLOSS
OH! OH! Here he comes! Places, Gloss Angieacola, places!

Gloss situates her legs first into her free anal board, then shoves head and arm through, offering herself up as an anal themed platter. She's a delicious dish of ass that Mathis Golden walks right in on.

GLOSS
Hehhhehe! Where've you been?!

MATHIS
What the hell is this? 

GLOSS
Didn't ya know?! Its free anal day! The guy with the biggest prick of them all gets free anal. And that's you!

MATHIS
I never heard of any fucking free anal day.

GLOSS
Grrr! Stop being stubborn and stick a cock in it! 

MATHIS
I got a match.

GLOSS
And I've got an ass!

She certainly does, and what an ass, tanned from her self tanner and glimmering under the light. Mathis can't help himself but give it a swat. Her thick cheeks ripple and turn red, but her vampire healing settles them back into the golden brown orbs.

GLOSS
Oh yes OH YES!

Mathis digs thick fingers into the slit of her ass, not quite into the asshole. He'll come to that naughty little hole in a bit. For now he just rubs on the smooth crack that invites him like a kind neighbor.

GLOSS
Ohhhh, do whatever you want, Mathis, its all yours!

Mathis would take this ass whether Gloss wanted it or not, it just so happens that she does want it. Thus pleasured moans pour out her dick sucking lips as Golden works powerful hands through the contours of her pussy lips and the crevice of her big fat ass.

GLOSS
Oh, oh, she's SO ready for you!

And Golden's throbbing rod is more than ready for her, more than ready to brutally pound Gloss' ass so hard, she'll burst through the board. As such he hurriedly unzips his pants, to let his member shoot forth.

GLOSS
You know what you're here for, don'tcha! And its not just your finger!

Golden wastes no time in preamble or softening Gloss up, instead shooting all the long thick inches of his man meat into Gloss. The blonde whore is filled up, stuffed like a turkey and all ready against her wooden binding.

Golden buck his mighty hips into the blonde's tight asshole, sweat moving down his bald head. He can feel his balls ache, the need to jizz inside her brought on by the tight clinch of her sphincter. That would ruin Gloss' plan, but at least she'd get a fantastic amount of sperm dumped into her shit pipe.

GLOSS
Ohh, oooh, take it, big man! Take it all!

Gloss can feel the ripples of her ass cheeks, her brown flesh jiggling all the way to the hips. All this is brought on by the mammoth cock, from the mammoth man giving her mammoth ass a mammoth fucking! Her only wish is that more souls would come along and take advantage of free anal day!

GLOSS
Soooooo deep in me! I LOVE it!

The blonde's eyes roll back into her head and she heaves and rocks against the board nearly screaming the whole hallway down as Golden makes good on his desire to brutalize her shitter.  His rough calloused hands move to her massive breasts and he starts squeezing and pulling on the flesh. Her ass is under full assault as Golden keeps the pressure up fucking her most dirty hole as hard as he can muster. Which is incredibly hard!

GLOSS
This is SO much fun! We should play together more often! Tee-hee!

Even though she's bound by wood, with all her rocking back and forth Gloss feels like she's holding on for dear life as Mathis plunges into the deepest reaches of her bowels. Her juices have lubed up her pussy to the point  where you'd have no trouble forcing a bowling pin there! But its free anal day not free pussy or free bowling pin day and so Gloss settles with this intense buggering of her back door and groping of her meaty cheeks

Looking down Golden's eyes are again drawn to Nattie's huge ass bouncing and shaking from the insane force of his war against her asshole. The damn wooden structure is wobbling as Golden continues to hammer Gloss, her anal cavity clamping down on his dick and locking it in tight.   Groaning and moaning, Gloss' only regret is she can't see her shit pipe being violated.

GLOSS
Get that hard dick nice and deep in there, pwwwweease!

The beast of the All XFL Team surges through Gloss'  large round ass, his hips crashing into her smooth flesh as he drives his cock deeper and deeper inside the blonde. Gloss is moaning through the highs of an orgasm, her brain on auto pilot directing her to scream out in glee and pleasure.

GLOSS
Ah, hey! This is a great way to spend the night!

Gloss' deep throaty moans make Golden rock forward more, driving his hard dick deeper into the well spring of her ass, fucking an already well fucked hole. Again his fingers find Gloss' large asscheeks and sink into the hefty wealth of flesh.

GLOSS
Oh yes! Lemme taste my asshole, kind sir!

Golden is almost loathe to pull out this tight-tight-tight butt hole, but the thought of Gloss' dick sucking lips around his schlong is utterly enticing. Thus he moves from front to back and stuffs inch after inch of man meat past Gloss' thick lips. Through her dick suckers it goes touching right to her throat, and Gloss is heady with the taste of cock and butt.

GLOSS
Mmmmfff!

Glossy clamps her mouth down on Golden's fuck missile holding the long full inches in her talented mouth. She can feel the head rubbing up against the back of her throat, a feeling that might make a human choke. But Gloss is a vampire, and a slutty one at that. No choking for her! Slowly Golden rocks his hips forward  pushing his asshole flavored dick in-between her cherry dick sucking red lips making a smacking noise that just fills both performers ears heightening their already sky high arousal.

Gloss employs one of her spicier tricks of curling her tongue around the massive dick in her mouth and then trickling along the under side of it. This sends spit raining down onto the floor, something for the janitor to worry about, thinks Gloss. Her mind is on enjoying the taste of her own asshole, left strong on Golden's cock.

GLOSS
I think you'll be taking advantage of free anal day...alllll niiiighttt!
 

[Chanel #99]

***The XFL and ??? W/Rhaenys vs Spencer Reiger and Blaine Cayley***

RENEE
Its supposed to be Mathis Golden with The XFL but that was one hell of a scheme by Gloss, I'll give her that. Let's see if it works.

Alas it did work, as Golden didn't show meaning Benjamin had to take his place in the tag match.

RENEE
I think Xavier would have preferred Brock, but The War Machine is doing promotional work.

COACH
That's all right, its still black excellence.

Was it? Was it really? The XFL was all out of sorts, and as usual had a whole bunch of complaints. Of course Rhaenys enabled him so pretty much Benjamin had to do things on his own. Though he's a capable performer, he's not that capable and no one was shocked when he fell victim to Blaine's Cruel Intentions to eat a loss.

Winner: Spencer Reiger and Blaine Cayley, via pinfall

Post-match Blaine wanted to punt The XFL in the balls, but Spencer found that a bit over the top and The XFL was able to escape as the friends had a debate over his fate.

 

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

***Keyboard Warriors (Evita_Conchita, TarHeelGirl) Vs Fairly Odd Vamps***
A routine squash was made not so routine by the appearance of MORGAN NERDLY sucking on a lolipop.

COACH
Look at that naughty hellcat!

RENEE
Hellcat? What decade are you from, Coach?

Lyric had an easier time concentrating than Titania, which seemed to amuse Morgan to no end. In fact Morgan started taking UPSKIRT pics of Lyric.

MORGAN
Pete, asked for my help. 

Titania swatted the camera out of Morgan's hands and ordered her backstage. But, meanwhile Lyric hit her Sucks To Be You powerbomb into a lung blower on Evita for the victory.

Winner: Fairly Odd Vamps, via pinfall

MORGAN
I have a feeling we'll all be meeting each other again
(sucking on lolipop)
Sucks to be you.

[Chanel #99]

Champagne, cocaine, gasoline
And most things in between
I roam the city in a shopping cart
A pack of camels and a smoke alarm

This night is heating up
Raise hell and turn it up
Saying, "If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe."
Oh, yeah
Don't threaten me with a good time

It's a hell of a feeling though
It's a hell of a feeling though
Alright, alright
It's a hell of a feeling though
It's a hell of a feeling though

The fans get to their feet and offer a helping of cheers and joy with the playing of “Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time” And a good time it is with the all white attired Delta Delta Delta arriving onto the scene! Cassidy of course leads the way, with Pierette bringing up the train while also holding four strips of paper.

RENEE
The most exclusive sorority in the country, Delta Delta Delta, coming off a big night at School's Out.

The Deltas enter the ring with Cassidy again taking the forefront/

CASSIDY
Hello, heifers, today is a grand day because the women of Delta Delta Delta have graced your presence. So when you're next in line to argue about the two cents missing on your WIC check you can turn to the Mexican behind you and say you saw us.

RENEE
Cassidy might have forgot the teachings  “how to be a babyface” playbook

CASSIDY
Tonight we the members of Delta House cast our votes for me to become official president of Delta House.

PIERETTE
If ya wanna become president so bad, why don't you just say hey I'm president! It is your thing after all, you founded it.

NUMBER TWO
Good point. Why are we voting?  

CASSIDY
Are you Rain Man types good for anything besides counting? If I my presidency is made official, then I can rub it in my brother's face when he can't even keep his own dumb wrestling stables and tag teams together.

NUMBER TWO
I would love to watch you rub yourself into Colin's face.

PIERETTE
Kyyyyahaahhaaaahha! Nasty, nasty!

CASSIDY
Are you one of those idiot savants who's heavy on the idiot, light on the savant?

NUMBER TWO
I'm neither personally. Years before the Psychoanalytic Society of America decided there was money to be made by creating what they called the autism spectrum, I would have been considered a daydreamer or quirky, like a young Zooey Deschanel. I am a victim of my times.

PIERETTE
Kyyahhahhha, your pants are on backwards! I like you!

CASSIDY
Jesus Christ. Gretchen, please help.

GRETCHEN
I fear you two will create resentment in Cassidy that time shall not abate. Who is autistic, who is bulimic, who is incestuous is a matter best left to be determined another time.  It is inconvenient and exceedingly troublesome to continue to bicker when Delta Delta Delta is without leadership.

CASSIDY
I couldn't have said that better myself. So, redheaded Rainman, count my votes.

Pierette
(looking at the papers)
Four papers, four votes. Its unanimous, ladies and germs...Gretchen Wright is Delta House president!

“YYYYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

CASSIDY
What? No! Ginger Gump clearly miscounted the votes.

NUMBER TWO
(looking at the papers)
No. Nope, this is four votes for Gretchen.

CASSIDY
Number Two you didn't vote me?!

NUMBER TWO
You didn't vote for you either.

CASSIDY
That's because I didn't want Gretchen to feel bad if she got trounced. I wanted her to feel like she's loved because I'm a good person! But, noooooo you fatties had to ruin everything! Was I supposed to bribe each and every one of you to vote for me? Like I have time for that! Its all on one person for this happening!

GRETCHEN
Cassidy...

CASSIDY
Its on me that I chose an idiot and weirdo to be my minion. You are by far the most idiotic and the most weird person I have dealt with, number two,, and so I blame you more than any of them for not finding a way to ensure I claimed my presidency tonight!

GRETCHEN
Cassidy, your grief makes you speak in manners unbecoming a vice president not named Dick Cheney.

CASSIDY
Vice president?!

GRETCHEN
Yes! My happiness would only grow daily with you as my aide and underling.

CASSIDY
Excuse me Pride & Prejudice & Ass Worship, I founded Delta I should be-

Home of the brave and free

[its America]

Free just to murder me

[Land of the handgun]

Land of the beautiful

[Home of the shotgun]

Cursed by the hate we throw

[Ya dead if ya ain't got one]

Is this the new national anthem?

[it was like this before I got here, baby I ain't do it!]

 

Is this the new national anthem?

Turn it!

Cassidy's rant is interrupted by the arrival of the Army of One Nation and Judge Dudd, all themed in military style clothing with Judge Dudd wearing a camo robe.

CASSIDY
Oh what fresh hell is this?

BLACKHAWK
Hell, indeed. Hell indeed! Indeed! You have done what good Americans should never ever do. Never ever do!

CASSIDY
Another autistic.

GRETCHEN
You would do well to speak plainly, Blackhawk and Eagle Eye. I would ask Judge Dudd to do the same, but I fear my brother's ejaculate still floods her mouth.

“OOOOHHHHHHHHHH”

COACH
DAYUM~!

EAGLE EYE
Delta Delta Delta laid hands on American soldiers on American soil. If we had a decent president, and a decent government you would be hung and then hung again. But, we have Obama and weak willed republicans who bend to him. So you won't be tried in the proper court of law.

JUDGE DUDD
You will be tried in our court of law.

PIERETTE
Ehhhh, none of this sounds plain to me. Hey, didn't I stab one of ya?

EAGLE EYE
That is not the crime at hand! But, yes, you did stab me.

PIERETTE
I knew you looked kinda familiar.

CASSIDY
Good grief, what is that you middle class losers want from us?

JUDGE DUDD
We want to deliver justice to Delta house!

GRETCHEN
As president of Delta Delta Delta-

CASSIDY
Grrrrrrrrr

GRETCHEN
It falls on my shoulders to carry the weight of our perceived crimes. But bellow those shoulders I tote fists, fists that will smash the underside of your jaw, Judge Dudd, and loosen what yellow teeth you have left and successfully defend my women's title from you. It is your claim to be American soldiers, is it not?  Then, come face me, and enjoy the cruel pangs of war lost at Great Angle Bash!

BLACKHAWK
She will face you, Gretchen Wright, and you'll be the one tasting cruel pangs of our WAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Gretchen raises her women's title into the air to show it off to the cheering fans, as the A1oN make threats towards her and Delta. Cassidy though couldn't possibly care less. Then a poppy yet depressing beat comes over the sound system.

CASSIDY
Oh what now!

Entering to “I Don't Know Why” and quite out of breath is Gory Dragan.

CASSIDY
Ewww, why are you panting, and sweating. Just what have you been doing?

GORY
Mas...mas...

CASSIDY
Ewww, maasturbating!

BLACKHAWK
Disgusting, trash!

GORY
Amassing....courage to....see you! Also...missed Big Papa when he was leaving airport....had to run here.

NUMBER TWO
Why didn't you Uber?

GORY
Reminds BPT of brother, he would have been mad....whew....I'm okay. Cassidy, I need your help. I need your magic to help me resurrect my dead family. Deirdre gave me the spell and everything.

GRETCHEN
This sounds remarkably dangerous! Cassidy, I do not think you should do it.

CASSIDY
Oh, you don't madame president? As our great 60th president John Kennedy Jr. said... "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." So I think I'm gonna do it. We'll head to where they're buried and do it together.

NUMBER TWO
Cemeteries. Awesome. I hope Colin will be there, I'll bury him up to his neck and face sit him.

CASSIDY
Ewww, I'm going alone!

Well, that ends an odd segment with Gretchen biting her lip and her tongue lest she further offend Cassidy.

RENEE
I'm with Gretchen. Gory's plan is awful and Cassidy is just doing it out of anger.

FADE OUT