OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 3-13-2016

[Chanel #99]

OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-
BROADCAST IN OAOAST HD AND 3D

RENEE
What a HeldDOWNwe have  in store for you tonight! I am Renee Young with Da Coach all srt to call the 2016 Anderson Cup finals tonight in our mainevent. But, to kick this party off we have the 2016 Lethal Banf winner in action against one half of the women's tag team champs!

**Anastasia Violetta W/Melissa Nerdly Vs Gretchen Wright***

Melissa Nerdly was on special guest commentary, already creating a wild situation on the road to SluttyMania Two, Twice the Slut.

MELISSA
Renee Young, I hope you gained some manners and class since last time you had me by your side.

RENEE
Me? You threatened me, and I'm just calling things like I see it.

MELISSA
You call it as you see it, and I'll call it as the lord sees it. And the lord sees evil everywhere, and its heart, its very heart lives Sammi, Gloss, Blaine and he who's name I won't be speaking.

COACH
I wouldn't speak that sellout's name either.

Gretchen and Anastasia started with a lockup which Gretchen got the better of. They went through a lockup again and Gretchen once again had the edge. A third failure and the Russian Hottie had to bail out of the ring.

RENEE
Gretchen already looking good ahead of SluttyMania, Twice the Slut. There's a girl you have to like, Melissa, she's rich and popular!

MELISSA
All I see is Sammi Cayley with blond hair and book learnin.

RENEE
Book learnin?

MELISSA
You don't know what that is 'cause you ain't got none.

COACH
Get 'em, girl!

Returning to the ring, Anastasia still wasn't much of a match for Gretchen's technical know how. When things started to get into a brawl then Anastasia shone through. The Violet Shark even locked in her head and arm choke known as Flowers for Defeat, but Gretchen was able to make the ropes with singular ease.

MELISSA
Gloss ain't gonna escape that at Slutty Mania, you can bet your bottom dollar on that.

RENEE
Well, vampires don't actually breathe so...

MELISSA
You and Sara Jean must have some kind of bet on who can tee me off the most, but god don't approve of gambling and you're gonna get yours.

Speaking of getting hers when Anastasia tried to sing some Maroon 5, Gretchen popped her in the mouth!

GRETCHEN
The elocution of song should be limited to those with means and outstanding birth such as myself.

And from there Gretchen sung opera as she beat on Anastasia finally finished her off with a fisherman gordbuster!

RENEE
Just Charge It!

Winner: Gretchen Wright, via pinfall!

RENEE
A huge momentum gain for Gretchen, but uh, not so much for you, Melissa.

MELISSA
Yer a disgusting person, Renee, you and Sara Jean. Wouldn't surprise me none if you were on the take from the Cayley family. I don't like you, I don't like them, I don't like that vamper, and I HATE HATE HATE he who should not be named! But she who laughs last laughs longest, and you better believe I'm gonna be laughing all the way out of Tokyo after SluttyMania Two, Twice the Slut!

Renee might have responded to Melissa's rants and raves except for the fact that her and everyone's else's attention was caught by Holly siding into the ring with the women's title!

RENEE
Look out, Gretchen! Look out!

Gretchen ducked a ::beltshot:: then proceeded to bash Holly with punches! She then tried to attack Holly with Just Charge It, but Holly made the escape out of the ring and was forced to back track from a furious Gretchen! Gretchen took hold of a mic and addressed Holly directly.

GRETCHEN
You and your household have acquitted yourself poorly in this feud. You lack everything a lady should possess and your husband lacks everything a semi-intelligent human being should possess. I shall refrain from doing more damage to him than occasion calls for, but you have bought yourself an unholy thrashing to be unleashed upon you for all the world to behold in a week's time!

"YYYYYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

RENEE
Its Gretchen Wright versus Holly at Slutty Mania Two for the women's title!

 

[Chanel #99]

MAGUIRE COMPOUND
BOSTON, MA

Over seeing her burgeoning sorority construction is...

CASSIDY MAGUIRE  with a lone Mexican at her side.

MEXICAN
Miss Cassidy what do you think of the horse stable for your sorority?

CASSIDY
It would be nice, but I decided I want a pond there so I can engage in my new hobby of dynamite fishing. I find blowing live prey up to be an efficient and fun way of murder. So tear it down.

MEXICAN 1
But, Miss Cassidy it just got built. Pablo lost a foot in his construction.

CASSIDY
I don't care if Pablo lost his virginity building it! If I tell you to tear something down I expect you to deconstruct with your god damn bare hands of Mexican building goodness!  Christ!  

In the middle of Cassidy's tantrum a cop car pulls up and two police officers pour out in front of her.

CASSIDY
Did number two buy me strippers?! Leave it to that dumb bitch to get me the ugliest one in the service. Well, let's see it do your dance.

COP
Cassidy Maguire, you are under arrest for the employment of undocumented workers.

MEXICAN

Also smiling as he watches his sister being carted away is one Colin Maguire Jr, sat in his breakfast nook drinking a glass of blood.

AMBER is also watching and shakes her head.

AMBER
You dropped the dime on your own sister.

COLIN
Perhaps.

AMBER
Even for you that's a new low. What's your mom going to say?

COLIN
Were Cassidy to remain free she and her lackey would no doubt botch their attempt to one up Aunt Reagan and Maggie, freeing Leon, who will be quite angry we've left him in the ocean to drown for the rest of his days. I have simply removed an unwelcome player in the game. When Aunt Reagan is beaten then I shall have my sister released. I'm not totally heartless.

AMBER
If you don't get her out today, I will.

COLIN
Yes, go on, leave the fate of our son to an impulsive high strung witch.

AMBER
Instead of the impulsive, high strung vampire. Watch Jack while I'm gone.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, OAOAST correspondent Sara Jean Underwood spoke with Sonic at the world famous interview lounge. Or rather the man formerly known as Sonic, because from here on he wants to be known by his true self, Lancel Locke. 

LOCKE
I'm ridding myself of that Slaughterhouse stink forever! 

Locke went on to say the next time he finds himself in the ring with any member of Slaughterhouse, it'll be their blood that is spilled.

Prior to our next bout we got a close up of a HUGE tube of Sunrise brand Sun Sparkle lube next to the entrance stage. Were informed by Renee that Sun Sparkle is the sponsor of SluttyMania 2. 

*** Lancel Locke vs. Keyboard Warrior Big Blogger *** 

Complete showcase for Locke who won with the Boom or Bust (Red Arrow), formerly the Sonic Boom.

Winner: Lancel Locke, via pinfall.

After the match Slaughterhouse surrounded the ring ready to pounce on their former member, but Hood Again and Uncle Moe showed up with pimp canes, 2 X 4s and even the KITCHEN SINK. 

RENEE
Hood Again and Uncle Moe have come to even the odds! And return a favor from last week! 

As shit got real with a massive brawl, Locke went straight for CAM, the man who brutalized him last week.

CAM
 

CAM races towards the back only to be caught by Locke who superkicks him through the tube of Sun Sparkle! 

COACH
AAH!

OAOAST officials rushed to restore order. Then Uncle Moe got on the mic and told Slaughterhouse "it's time to end this once and for all," challenging them to a STREET FIGHT in Philly at AngleMania XV. Deuce agreed, telling the guys they're all dead at AM. 

Suddenly Sunshine Yukino appears onstage in awe of Locke, remarking he's the total package of looks, sexual ability and raw aggression. 

YUKINO
Welcome to Sunrise! 

LOCKE
 ... *shrugs* 

 

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage in the corners of the arena, Silver is by his lonesome, humming away and gazing off into the distance when he's approached by...

REAGAN FLANAGAN Colin and Cassidy's aunt.

REAGAN
Jason.

SILVER
Me?

REAGAN
That's your first name isn't it. Jason Silver.

SILVER
I don't deserve to be on a first name basis with anyone. My lot in life is to be hated and abused. But, that's what I deserve.

REAGAN
You do tend to take an uncommon amount of torture and agony. To be frank, I'm shocked you aren't dead.

SILVER
If killing me would bring someone like Alix hope, then I welcome it! If she were to murder me and ascend to the great heights of humanity I know she's capable of, I'd feel my life would have been worth something.

REAGAN
You're defeatist attitude will be a self fulfilling prophecy but I feel that your demise might not come at the hand of someone you respect so highly. Due to that I offer you this.

Reagan draws a sword from her robes, that's little more than a short sword with a basic brown pommel.  Nothing remotely impressive about it.

SILVER
A sword? For me?

REAGAN
Its called Elysium. A horribly inappropriate name, because whoever you stab with it will be forced to live out their every cruel and unjust action for eternity. Pure hell. I trust you'll know when the time is right to use it.

Reagan walks off, with Silver holding the sword and plenty in his mind.

[Chanel #99]

RENEE
SluttyMania Two, Twice the Slut is a week away! That's it! And hot on the card is the G-Spot Climax Tournament, and we've got some major league put downs and throw downs from the four Hotties involved.

BOBBI
I used to have Annagret and Jade in my contacts as friends. Now I changed their names to NO and listed them with a picture of the devil! Never doubt my seriousness!

MAYA
My therapist has been very disturbed and very wealthy since this crap started.

ANNAGRET
After all the times these girls have come between me and my bae, they better live the rest of their days in witness protection!

JADE
Bobbi keeps yelling SATAN at me every time I walk by.

MAYA
I'm an American citizen, and I want to be psedo-raped by more than hot girl, and one of them is my sister, and it all happens atop a plate of mozzarella sticks then someone fought for that right to happen, ya know, so I'm gonna make it happen!

JADE
If only Bobbi and Annagret's butts were as big as their egos they might be good enough for Maya, but the truth is my sister likes a girl who knows how to twerk it and keeps it classy while doing it.

ANNAGRET
Maya is five foot ten inches of California sex appeal! Like Mount Everest or something. I won't be fucking her, I'll be conquering her, Jade and Bobbi can stick their pussies over a fire ant hill for all I care.

BOBBI
There's a special place in hell for people who try to stop me from claiming my hot piece of Duncan booty! A SPECIAL FREAKING PLACE!

ANNAGRET
I'll be sure to send Jade a thank you card for letting me fuck her sister.

BOBBI
Maya is my dream girl. She's got a butler! A freaking butler! She's like Batman with a better butt!

MAYA
I saw a Tony Torutettes shake a soda machine until a bunch of quarters fell out. If he can live that dream, then at SluttyMania Two I can live mine! The G-Spot Climax is mine to win, and my g-spot is gonna be brought to hot, hot climax by three awesomely crazy nasty ass babes!

SLUTTYMANIA TWO, TWICE THE SLUT
LIVE FROM THE TOKYO DOME!

[Chanel #99]

***United States Championship: Tyler Bryant W/THE FLEX and Lorelei DeCenzo Vs Shayne Brave***

RENEE
These former best friends fought last year at AngleMania fourteen and since then its been a different career path for them both.

Shayne still sees some good in Tyler and offers him pre-match dap.

TYLER
You're making the same mistake as Krista. Too bad for you.

Tyler drilled Shayne with a punch, but soon found himself tackled to the mat and pounded by Shayne's blows!

RENEE
The #Traplord is going to town!

Shayne was bucked off by Tyler, but came right back and battered Tyler with crushing punches that backed him into the corner.

LORELEI
You have to get him back referee!

Referee Brian Knobs could do nothing as Shayne hit a procession of shoulder tackles. Shayne then gave props to deceased ATL rapper Bankroll Fresh and hit Tyler with a shot gun dropkick! Tyler rolled out of the ring, seeking a break, but Shayne came after him with a tope! He then rolled Tyler back into the ring and pinned him!

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

Kickout!

RENEE
Shayne's showing the world he may not be the lesser member of D*LUX and he just might be the next US champion!

Shayne went to the top rope and tried to hit a picture perfect elbow drop, but Tyler rolled out the way! After taking a moment to catch his breath, Tyler laid the boots to Shayne. He then hit a snap DDT and decided to lift up his sunglasses.

TYLER
Damn, future still too bright!

Sunglasses back down!

“BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

RENEE
How arrogant can you get?

Tyler shot Shayne into the ropes and hit him with a side belly to belly followed by a series of leaping elbow drops and then a standing moonsault. But all that only got a two count.

LORELEI
Mister Referee, please remember the importance of this man to the industry when you count.

RENEE
She's advocating open bias!

Tyler didn't seem to mind Lorelei's immorality as he worked over his former best friend, softening him up for his TKO finisher. Shayne tried to come back and even reversed a powerbomb into a hurricanrana into a two count. He then hit a leg lariat that seemed to knock out Tyler!

RENEE
Finessin!

But Star67 jumped up and blasted Shayne with a yakuza kick! Then when Shayne rose he hit him with a second yakuza kick! And a then a third! With Shayne totally out of it, Tyler blasted him with a TKO!

RENEE
0 to 100!

Shayne couldn't come back from that and Tyler pinned him to retain his gold.

Winner: Tyler Bryant, via pinfall

Post-match Lorelei brought a microphone into the ring.

LORELEI
Krista, Krista, Krista, what's about to happen to this sad child is a result of your stubbornness and blindness to the future. I only hope that after this you will start to see things as they are and as they will be.

On that note, Tyler laid the stomps into Shayne's head, showing zero kindness or respect to the helpless grappler!

RENEE
Hey, what are you doing to them?

While Tyler beats on Shayne without mercy, THE FLEX fetches a chair. Once the giant bodybuilder reaches the ring apron. Tyler forces Shayne into a corner. There THE FLEX lays the chair across Shayne's face.

TYLER
Oh man, oh, man, oh man! Watch this!

Star67 rushes in and smashes the chair into Shayne's visage with a thundering yakuza kick!

“OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Oh my god!

TYLER
Back to back, back to back!

Tyler comes in again and delivers another crushing yakuza kick to the chair and Shayne's face!

“OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Oh my god! That's awful!

A third time would happen if it weren't for KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN rushing into the ring!

“YYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the fans cheer as Tyler bails out of the ring.

With point proven, Tyler backs up the entrance ramp with THE FLEX and Lorelei quite proud of his handiwork.

TYLER
Still the same Tyler?

The scowl on Krista's face shows she must concede to the truth. This is a new Tyler, and its that Tyler she gives the finger to  the view moved to Shayne being wheeled away in a stretcher.

RENEE
Poor Shayne.

COACH
That dude took a hurting. A major hurting.

Shayne is brought backstage where an ambulance is waiting, but before he can get loaded inside THE CHRIST AIR EXPRESS approach him. The two exchange impassive looks, and then decided to place a lit joint in his mouth. Mysterious gesture performed, the tag champs nod to each other and leave as oddly as their arrived.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

A highlight from SYN was shown with MADISON NERDLY with ADELPHE ST.NERDREGARD in her corner wrestling and beating Keyboard Warrior Shiminazi. It was a tough match for Madison but she pulled out the victory to Adelphe and the fans' delight. But post match the KW pounced on Madison! Morgan arrived and saved the day giving her a Shock & Awe, which left all parties confused.

RENEE
Fortunately, guys and gals, our cameras got some footage of what seemed to be an explanation from Morgan to Madison and Adelphe.

We cut into that footage, which takes place backstage with the three.

ADELPHE
The stars did not shine on your actions, cousin Morgan. And now the moon frowns.

MORGAN
Someone translate.

MADISON
Why did you do that?

MORGAN
I couldn't let her get away with beating up my big sister. That's my job.

ADELPHE
You should take this maiden seriously!

MORGAN
Why? Because of two weeks worth of training with you? Madison, I just had to protect you from a Keyboard Warrior. Sadly, there's no one who can protect you from me.

Morgan gives off a cruel smile, turns on her heel and leaves.

[Chanel #99]

We get a view of the ringside area surrounded by a mass of lumberjacks.

RENEE
Let's see if these OAOAST Superstars can keep Alix and Silver under control tonight. Something tells me they're gonna fail big time.

And our people talk to me, but nothing ever hits,
So people talk to me, and all the voices just burn holes.
I’m going in (ooh)

This is the start of how it all ever ends
They used to shout my name, now they whisper it
I’m speeding up and this is the
Red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart
We rip the start, the colors disappear
I never watch the stars there’s so much down here
So I just try to keep up with them
Red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart

With Lorde's “Yellow Flicker Beat” launching into the arena the lights flicker and flash and a giant stair case extends from the highest video screen. Down this structure, wearing a manic sort of smile and holding his new sword Elysium is none other than Silver.

BUFFER
The following is a lumberjack match! Now making his way to the ring from BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, he represents THE MENAGERIE....SILLLLLVVVEERRRRR!

“BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!”

Even with plenty of jeers aimed at him, Silver still manages a smile for the disdainful crowd..

RENEE
Coach, you don't think Silver will use that sword on Alix?

COACH
Reagan says that sword Elysium is more to punish people and Silver seems in love with Alix.

Silver settles into the ring and is eager for Alix's impeding arrival.

You know I'm bringing bombastic
I'm feeling fucking fantastic
Turn up the music yeah blast it
You know I'm playing like, no more Mr. Nice Guy

You know I'm bringing bombastic
I'm feeling fucking fantastic
Turn up the music yeah blast it
You know I'm playing like, no more Mr. Nice Guy
I'm coming for you

“Bombastic” by Bonnie McKee  hits and the crowd goes wild, watching Alix's marijuana dispensary float onto the stage. The five time world champion sends out bags of pot as she struts her sexy stuff with some butt boasting dance moves for the fans.

BUFFER
And his opponent, from Los Angeles, California, THE HOLLYWOOD BAD GIRL...ALIX MARIA SPEZZZZIAAA!

“YYYYYEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

RENEE
Alix deciding to leave Queen Esther behind for this one, and with the danger at ringside you can'r blame her.

The cute brunette hops into the ring and points a cruel finger at Silver and we are ready for war!

DING DING DING

The second the bell rings Alix begins smashing Silver with closed fists!

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

Having already beaten her foe bloody from the nose, Alix hurls him into the ropes then decks him with an elbow to that same nose. Pained, Silver makes a slow crawl and situates himself into the corner.

ALIX
I'm the good dick fairy! You piss me off and try to have sex with my family members and I give you wood!

Alix makes good on her good dick faedom and gives Silver a stinkface!

“YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAA!”

ALIX
Make friends with that family member, but you can't 'cause its my ass! And all you lumberjacks suck my dick! Sorry, that was uncalled for.

After making nice with the jacks, Alix runs through Silver with a butt bump from her sweet Latina booty! The hurt New Yorker stumbles upright then gets smashed with a dropkick that sends him flying out of the ring and landing in front of Celtic Gothic. The duo have no qualms in tossing The Menagerie member back into the ring.

COACH
Leon gonna remember that you two.

RENEE
I doubt Leon is gonna care if he ever gets out the ocean.

Alix rushes to the ropes, and springs off them to come Straight Outta Compton with a srpingboard spear!

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAA!”

Silver has had too much and starts to roll out the ring, but wisely thinks better of encountering the lumberjacks. So he comes up in the corner, and waves Alix in, using her hot temper to grab hold of her and pitch her through the ropes! Alix is set upon by Southern Immorality, but they get the worst of it as Alix knocks them aside and then notices something odd...

ALIX
Hey, t black guy is gone! White power! Trump would be so proud!

 

Alix returns to the ring and is set upon by Silver with harsh stomps to the back  The New York then hits the ropes and comes off them to drop a twisting leg drop onto Alix's neck. From there a pin is made...

ONE!

 

A kickout!

SILVER
A kickout at one! You are amazing, I'm lucky to get beat up by you.

The five time world champion is shot into the corner, then hit with a leaping splash from Silver. As she sags down to the mat, Silver entertains a stink face but thinks better of it.

RENEE
That was smart, Alix isn't Gretchen!

So instead of rubbing his ass in her face, Silver instead scrapes his boot along her gorgeous features.

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

SILVER
It warms my heart you would show support to this magical human being!

That same magical human being is whipped across the ring into the ropes, and returns to bowl Silver over with a flying forearm. Despite that attack Silver is fast to his feet, but just gets smashed with a high knee from Alix. Doubled over in pain, Silver can't stop Alix from springboarding off the ropes and hitting him with a rocker dropper!

RENEE
That's a new trick from a cute kitty!

Agonized by that unexpected attack, Silver rolls onto the ring apron and uses the cables to assist in his rise. This turns out to be a disaster as Alix comes screaming across the ring, sunset flips over him and delivers a terribly lethal powerbomb onto Tim Cash, AC The Exile, and Anson Cutter!

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

COACH
Holy shit is right! What the hell did I just see?!

RENEE
You saw The Hollywood Bad Girl kicking butt!

A mass of bodies hangs outside the ring with other lumberjacks sensing blood. Its Mathis Golden who wants to strike first, but makes the error of stepping on AC to get to Alix. That angers Pike Pantera who rushes in and hammers his fellow big man with a lariat!

ALIX
Steal my spotlight, will ya, lower midcarder? Disappointment to your dad! Fuck you!

The hot headed Alix rushes forward and gives Pike a face crusher onto the guardrail! Without even bothering to look at the damage she's caused Pike, Alix turns to Silver who's being ushered upright by Kings of the Heap. Silver's associates work to keep Alix at bay which displeases the Sons of Ragnarok who begin a fight with them!

RENEE
Not a shocker, but its gotten totally insane!

ALIX
I can't get by all these people! On my knees like mommy says I belong

RENEE
That's a unique way to get from point A to point B!

Alix manages to crawl through SOR, but winds up having Biffman and Nathaniel Black in front of her!

ALIX
God damn it! Aquman and white Idris Elba!

Alix starts throwing hands, no concern for the lumer jacks in her effort to get to Silver. The New York native grants her wish and rushes towards her, but meets with failure as Alix back drops into the a row of fans! The Hollywood Bad Girl is ready to jump in fans and all to get to Silver, but is pulled back by Brock Ausstin and Charlie Moss. Of course this makes her irate and she starts literally smacking them.

COACH
Did Sophie know she's was sanctioning this crazy ass shit?

Brock and Moss are able to use their strength advantage and an assist from Outlaw Cello to force Alix back into the ring. Yet that doesn't actually do much to keep her contained as she gets  head of steam off the ropes and flies into a mass of lumberjacks with a swanton plancha!

“YYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Brown eyes of Alix's are on the search for Silver, and find the white haired warrior making an escape up the arena stairs and to the freedom of safety from Alix.

ALIX
Hey! You big dummies let the bad guy escape! THAT'S DOES IT!

Alix throws Sloppy Joe into the ring and follows him inside to deliver a Confessions of a Kristaholic to him!

“YYYYYYYEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

As soon as Sloppy goes down Alix grabs hold of Gory Dragan and forces him into the ring to crush him with a Confessions of a Kristaholic!

“YYYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

A random Keyboard Warrior gets the same treatment, and then Flynn Stevens does as well!

The remaining lumberjacks have enough sense to keep a wide berth from Alix lest they too incur her wild wrath.

ALIX
Yaaaaahoooooo~! Someone play some Flo Rida!

Well we don't have any Flo Rida so Alix's music booms out over the roaring crowd, as Alix stamps around like a cross between Warrior and a rabid pitbull.

RENEE
Alix is going to put Silver out of his misery some day soon!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Home of the brave and free

[its America]

Free just to murder me

[Land of the handgun]

Land of the beautiful

[Home of the shotgun]

Cursed by the hate we throw

[Ya dead if ya ain't got one]

Is this the new national anthem?

[it was like this before I got here, baby I ain't do it!]

[i ain't start it I'm just apart of it]

Is this the new national anthem?

Turn it!

TI and Skylar Grey's “New National Anthem” rings into the arena, and not a soul is pleased. That's all due to the appearance of Judge Dudd and her charges in the camo attired Army of One Nation.

RENEE
We sure don't have these three on our format, which makes sense because no one wants to hear Black Hawk scream for ten minutes.

Sadly, it appears that's just what we're going to get as the Army settles into the ring.

BLACK HAWK
Time for a wakeup call!

RENEE
With Black Hawk yelling how can anyone get some sleep?

BLACK HAWK
The Republican fat cat elites are telling us we need to keep Donald Trump off the presidential ticket, and out the White House! Why's that, I wonder? Is it because they want to continue their stranglehold on the GOP, so they can continue to doom this country that we the Army of One Nation love so much? Is it because they want to line their pockets with blood money made off the backs of our boys? Or is it because they don't want Mister Trump to make this country great again? I want this country to be great again! Judge Dudd wants this country to be great again! Eagle Eye wants this country to be great again! And if Mitt Romney or Ted Cruz or any bastard elite thinks they can stop us from making this country great again, we got three words for them!

EAGLE EYE
Move to Canada!

“BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COACH
USA! Fuck yes!

RENEE
Coach, you have to sit down. And stop jumping around!

BLACK HAWK
But does the OAOAST want America to be great? I think not! If you want America to be great, you put SluttyMania Two in an American city, in American arena, paid for by American tax dollars, staffed by American workers, not in the hands of the bastard Japs!

“BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

BLACK HAWK
But where there is a will there is a way! We have the will to make America great again and we have just the way.

EAGLE EYE
Your honor, please speak.

JUDGE DUDD
You will see me, Judge Dudd, at Slutty Mania Two in the ejaculation chamber, fighting for more than just your arousal, fighting for the future of this great land. This is the dawn of the revolution, and shots will be fired when I take my guaranteed title shot.

BLACK HAWK
Japan, you can't cower behind your Anime and your maid cafe's, and your sex pillows any longer!

EAGLE
Now the war comes to you!

BLACK HAWK
The Army of One Nation invades!

I need a hundred black coffins for a hundred bad men
A hundred black graves so I can lay they ass in
I need a hundred black preachers with a black sermon to tell
From a hundred black bibles, while we send them all to hell
I need a hundred black coffins, black coffins, black coffins, oh lord
I need a hundred black coffins, black coffins, oh lord, black coffins
I need a hundred...
 

“YYYYYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

RENEE
Hey, its Lyric's music!

And its Lyric DeLacey herself, the Irish vampire looking none too pleased to be present even with the cheers of the sold out crowd. With microphone in hand she reaches the ring.

LYRIC
Great, the gang's all here.

JUDGE DUDD
What do you think you're doing? This is America's ring! Its not the place for an Irish hag.

LYRIC
Sophie sent me to announce that I'm in the Ejaculation Chamber.  So whatever happens now, whoever I suck dry, is on Frenchie. And I mean suck dry in the way you're not going to like. I'll be saving the good way for the EC. Count on that, mates.

EAGLE EYE
Then I'd say you made your announcement. Now leave!

LYRIC
If only you asked nicely. Now I'll stay forever, which means no sucking any lads dry in Japan.

BLACK HAWK
We will make you leave like we'll make you beg for mercy at SluttyMania.

LYRIC
Heh. You're not going to SluttyMania 2, Twice the Slut, mate.

BLACK HAWK
Wrong! The invasion will proceed as planned. The revolution will not be stopped. Can not be stopped!

LYRIC
No, Judge Dudd is going, the curly haired one can go if he wants, but you, Beard Hawk, you're staying home.

BLACK HAWK
On who's orders?

LYRIC
Whatever governmental agency you pissed off enough to put you on a list that prevents you from leaving this country.

JUDGE DUDD
Liar!

LYRIC
Do you think I care about the army of one brain cell enough to lie?

BLACK HAWK
GAAAAAAAAAAH!

LYRIC
This is why Sophie had me present, because she didn't want to put up with your shit.

BLACK HAWK
GAAAAAAAAAAH!

LYRIC
Keep yelling. Give me a reason to rip you apart.

BLACK HAWK
GAAAAAAAAAAH!

LYRIC
Thanks.

Lyric makes good on her promise and sinks her teeth into Black Hawk's neck, turning his scream of anger into one of pain!

COACH
She's biting that nigga!

Black Hawk is shoved backwards by Lyric, and topples into Eagle Eye sending both Army members in a pathetic trip out of the ring. As they land in a tangle of flesh and patriotism, Judge Dudd makes the charge at Lyric. She isn't much of a threat and Lyric beats her into a standing head scissors!

RENEE
Looking for Sucks to be You!

And she hits it, nailing Judge Dudd with her powerbomb into a lung blower finisher!

“YYYYYYEEEEAAAAAAAA!”

Lyric pushes Judge Dudd out of the ring, allowing herself the freedom to pose for the cameras and make promises of a SluttyMania victory!

RENEE
HUGE news for all of us, Lyric DeLacey and Judge Dudd have been added to the Ejaculation Chamber!

COACH
That's right, they join Alysanne, Rhaenys, The Doll, Cinnamon, and Pierette.

RENEE
And we have one more Hottie left to announce!

[Chanel #99]

*** Lucius Soul vs. Rico de Janeiro, Remy Brazil & Pete-O ***

Just as we were set to go with our gauntlet match, Rico grabbed the mic and reminded the OAOAST Galaxy that last week Lucius said he could beat them all with one arm tied behind his back. 

RICO
So put up or shut up, mang. 

LUCIUS
I'll do you one better and NUT UP! 

"YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

RICO & REMY
 

Pete pulled out some ROPE and tied Lucius' arm behind his back. 

RENEE
Pete seems very familiar with the process. 

COACH
 

RENEE
Just saying! 

PETE-O
Perfect-- OOF!

Now at a disadvantage Lucius made sure to gain the early advantage by dropping Pete with a pimp slap, elbowing Remy and striking his former tag partner Rico! 

RENEE
Look at Lucius go! 

With the OAOAST Galaxy behind him Lucius took it to his former buds and Pete, to the point where the guys basically said fuck it and triple-teamed Lucius for the DQ.

Winner: Lucius Soul, via DQ. 

RENEE
Rico and Remy didn't care about winning, it was all about hurting their former partner! 

The guys continued to do a number on Lucius when JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN and MELODY NERDLY come to the Soul Man's aid.  

RICO, REMY & PETE
 

Melody shakes her head and steps aside as MAYA DUNCAN-BLANCHARD joins them in the ring.

RICO, REMY & PETE
 

C02 clear the ring of Rico, Remy and Pete.

MELODY

The girls unite Lucius and after regaining his senses He grabbed the mic and challenged the guys to a match against him and "my assistants"...

MELODY
With help from our bud Maya.

MAYA

...at AngleMania XV. 

JADE
And we put the "ASS" in assistants!  

Jade bumps Melody's booty.

LUCIUS, MELODY & MAYA
 

JADE
Sorry. Got too excited.

LUCIUS
You and me both, sweet cheeks, 'cause you and titty mama are booty licking good!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Dig up her bones but leave the soul alone
Boy with a broken soul
Heart with a gaping hole
Dark twisted fantasy turned to reality
Kissing death and losing my breath
Midnight hours cobble street passages
Forgotten savages, forgotten savages

Dig up her bones but leave the soul alone
Let her find a way to a better place
Broken dreams and silent screams
Empty churches with soulless curses
We found a way to escape the day

Bones by MSMR hits and out comes the mesh top and booty short rocking Aisling DeLacey! The cheerful face wheels to the ring with the fans solidily welcoming her.

 

“AISLING! AISLING AISLING!”

AISLING
(in teegage voice)
I see, so that's your reaction to seeing an extra-large high school girl. But are they really that big? Don't you think they're small?

RENEE
If her's are small, mine are microscopic.

AISLING
(in child voice)
If I was the final boss in a cool action game, I'd be so much bigger!
(in teenage voice)
But with an estimated bust size of off the charts my boobs are hopelessly huge. Hey, hey, who wants me to squish them between them? Big boobs feel good you know?

“YYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

AISLING
(in queen voice)
But it has to come to my realization that my giant breasts would be best served for SluttyMania Two, Twice the Slut!
(in rocker voice)
And my feet would be perfect kicking the shit out of Malaysia Nerdlly for what she's done to my boy, Archie!

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAA!”

AISLING
(in rocker voice)
So what do you say Malaysia, you ready to get your ass beat from Japan to North Korea to outer effing space? Do you got the ovaries to face me or you just nipple clamps and talk?

Come on, let me ride your bicycle

It's so fantastical on your bicycle

We can get a little more physical

Baby, after all, it's only natural

I feel it coming, coming, coming, oh

I feel it running, running, running, oh

Come on, let me ride your bicycle

It's so fantastical on your bicycle

“C'Mon Let Me Ride” by Skylar Grey hits and out comes a leather bound Malaysia with Archie on a leash, which does not please Aisling one bit.

MALAYSIA
Your boy Archie is my little fag girl Esmeralda! And after an intense discussion with her I have this to say...you're on, vampire girl!

AISLING
(in teenage voice)
See ya at SluttyMania!

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

An intense staredown ensues between these hated rivals as poor Archie is still left on a leash like a little bitch.

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK~!

HeldDOWN~!
Last Week

Confrontation that lead to the Playmakers and Brock Ausstin attacking the OAOAST 6-man tag champs.

*** 6-Man Tag Title: The Playmakers & Brock Ausstin w/ Rick Heyross vs. The Party Brigade & "The King of Bronies" Daisuke Motozaki © w/ Amberlyn Duncan *** 

The Party Brigade and Dice-M were out for revenge after what happened to them last week, but fighting angry instead of smart came back to bite them as Pierce found himself alone with the Playmakers (Dice-M and J.Riggs took out Brock but got taken out themselves with a pair of superkicks) who picked up 3 YARDS & A CLOUD OF DUST + the W.

HEYROSS
 

AMBERLYN
 

Winners: The Playmakers & Brock Ausstin, via pinfall. New champions. 

The XFL joined the celebration, with Benjamin remarking...

BENJAMIN
Party Brigade, Dice... you're the real losers!

ALL XFL TEAM
 

[Chanel #99]

TO THE BACK~!, where we find The Doll inside Sophie's office protesting her inclusion in the Ejaculation Chamber at SluttyMania 2. 

THE DOLL
It's not fair. It's just not fair! 

Sophie, bored outta her mind having heard the same spiel for the past couple weeks, just nods. 

* door opens *

THE DOLL
 

Enter COD with popcorn, candy and wine. 

SOPHIE
Zee-Oh-Dee?

KRISTA
Don't mind us. We just came to enjoy the show. Please continue. 

ALIX
(points to The Doll's breasts and crotch)
Here, here, and here. 

KRISTA
 

ALIX
That's where they asked me to touch the doll where my uncle did. 

KRISTA
(sing-song voice)
Repressed memories! 
(normal voice)
But I'd love to touch The Doll in all the right places too. Lucky gals in the Chamber. 

ALIX
I've heard many go without sex -- serviced and self-service -- for weeks in prep for the Chamber.    

KRISTA
(drinking out of wine bottle)
Mmm-hmm. *AAH* That's why those matches turn into something out of a women's prison's shower. Dropping soap and loads!

THE DOLL
 
(to Sophie)
You gotta reconsider, Sophie. Please! I'm too pretty!

Suddenly Tanner Neptune (The Doll's boyfriend) enters the picture. 

TANNER
C'mon babe. Just drop it. What's done is done. You know how promoters work. 

THE DOLL
Male promoters. Sophie is a women. Or so I thought. 

SOPHIE
 

THE DOLL
There's no girl power here, only whore power. 

KRISTA & ALIX
 

THE DOLL
 

TANNER
C'mon babe. I told you it's a losing battle. But how about being part of a winning battle? I want you ringside when Jo-Jo and I win the Anderson Cup! 

Tanner escorts The Doll out of the room.

ALIX
Ooh! Remember when we won the Anderson Cup, Krissy? We oughta do it again some day. I think it'd be fun making a new generation our bitch! 

KRISTA
Making somebody our bitch is always fun. TERRY! More wine!

TERRY (O.S.)
Right away! 

KRISTA
(to Sophie)
Popcorn? 

Sophie nods and joins the fun win COD. Then Terry Taylor comes in with more wine and takes a seat next to the gals. Even goes for some popcorn!

KRISTA
Uh, what are you doing? 

TERRY
Oh. Is this ladies' night out?

KRISTA
No. It's no bitches allowed. 

TERRY
 

[Chanel #99]

RENEE
Guys, we just found out that at AngleMania fifteen Alix and Silver will hook back up for an explosive match!

Outside in a sort of grassy area around the arena we find Sabrina Oakheart leading a wake with gathered mourners The Masked Mutants and Studderboxx. Sara Jean approaches and finds this all rather odd.

SARA JEAN
Sabrina? Are you okay? Someone told me you were at a funeral!

SARBINA
Yep-yep!

SARA JEAN
But, we're supposed to be doing an interview about your SluttyMania match with Sugar Bellelfair, and I didn't know anyone died. And why's this out front of the arena?

SLIME
Booo vanny meshtons!

SARBINA
I agree! Why are you asking me so many questions? Are you trying to make me cry during my darkest hour?

SARA JEAN
No, I don't think so.

SABRINA
You better not be, because you're skating on thin ice with me, old woman. This is the memorial service for my teddy bear Chong, who has died due to losing both his eyes and his arm after a vicious attack from my sister's poddle.

STUDDERBOXX
Woof woof!

SABRINA
Sara Jean, do you wanna share some memories about Chong?

SARA JEAN
Me?

SABRIN
Yer the only Sara Jean round here as far I can tell. Go on, you knew him best.

SARA JEAN
Okay, sure, sure. Uh, Chong...you know he was a bear...a bear that loved to laugh...loved to live. Loved to laugh while he lived and that's what made him special.

SLIME
Dat goootifiul!

SABRINA
I'll say! Sara Jean, Chong's smiling on you from heaven. Now we're gonna meet his son and my brand new teddy bear, Chong Squared who can't wait to meet all of you.

At that point an UBER car pulls up with SUGAR BELLEFLAIR hanging out of the window and waving a teddy bear!

SUGAR
Looking for this, lame wad?! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

And the car speeds off!

SABRINA
I gotta get her! I gotta rescue Chong Squared from that piece of pig shit!

As if things weren't absurd enough an ICE CREAM truck pulls up with Pete-O hanging out.

PETE-O
Need a lift?

SARA JEAN
Don't get in that truck, Sabrina. Don't you dare!

SABRNA
I got no choice. High blessing to you all, peace be with you!

Sabrina hops in Pete's truck and away they go to hunt after Sugar

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

*** 2016 Anderson Cup Finals: Big IQ vs. Jo-Jo Whoa & Tanner Neptune w/ The Doll *** 

The OAOAST Galaxy was treated an AC Final straight out of a video game, complete with Ice Quiz spamming the hell outta big boots and sidewalk slams. But things got intense when Tanner and Jo-Jo ignored The Doll's advice to target Ice Quiz's ribs, originally injured during a melted with OAOAST tag champions the Christ Air Express and worked over well by the Playmakers during the AC Conference Finals a couple weeks ago. 

COACH
The Doll's right. Ice Quiz may be fully healed now, but those ribs still gotta be a bit tender from the beating they took a couple weeks ago. Attack it! 

Since her man and his buddy didn't take her advice, The Doll decided to take matters into her own hands when Ice Quiz found himself outside, stomping him! 

RENEE
Are you kidding me?!

Shocked by his girlfriend's actions Tanner scolded The Doll, all while the ref (who naturally didn't see it) and Jo-Jo (who did and was stunned) attempted to restrain an irate CW. So guilty over The Doll's actions Tanner allowed Ice Quiz to tag out.

THE DOLL
 

Initially the decision came back to haunt Tanner and Jo-Jo as CW went on the offensive, but they managed to regain control of the match. They weren't able to put away CW though. Instead CW found a way to tag Ice Quiz who eventually brought home the 2016 Anderson Cup catching Jo-Jo with the Pop Quiz. 

THE DOLL
 

Winners: Big IQ, via pinfall. 

Post-match Big IQ celebrated and were awarded the AC trophy... only for the CAE to attack using their tag titles. They slammed the trophy on Ice Quiz and gave CW a double cutter, a/k/a the Virtue of Ignorance.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

To add insult to injury the CAE spit on Big IQ as OAOAST officials attempted to restore order.

FADE OUT