OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 3/4/16

[Chanel #99]

OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-
BROADCAST IN OAOAST HD AND 3D

 

 

RENEE
We're on the toll bridge to Slutty and AngleMania! To cross the bridge, someone has got to pay.

COACH
This is OAOAST: Use Your Blinkers! We're heading to SluttyMania safely and courteously!

***Eggther Vs The Rizzo W/Anson Cutter***

Before the match, Eggther declared his intention to enter the Money In The Bank ladder match at AM.

EGGTHER
If Bohemoth gets in, then the guy who embarrassed him gets in.

But, The Rizzo and Anson Cutter wanted to enter too.

ANSON
Where there's money, there's us.

THE RIZZO
We're the real money makers up here, word to Theodore!

EGGTHER
You guys, I hate to break it to you but there's no real money in that case.

The duo didn't believe him, thinking he was hoarding the cash and so and attacked him, turning the match into a handicap match! But of course they weren't a match for the BUSTLE junior heayvweight champion and Rizzo was knocked silly and pinned after a Bride Price superkick.

Winner: Eggther, via pinfall

But things went south for Eggther as post-match King Landon and Northstar arrived onto the scene to beat him down and then join together to toss him from the ring,

KING LANDON
You enter the Money In The Bank? Bohemoth enters? Both of you enter? Fools! Damned fools! You win? Never, no. Never will that happen! It won't be. It won't! Fools! Beware! My good lord Northstar has thrown his hat into the ring. Beware! King Landon has thrown has hat into the ring. The rest of you? Your hope has died tonight.

But wait! Arriving onto the scene was Big Papa Thrust and all three of his Freakazoids, yes I am including Gory.

BPT
Time for all a wake up call to my non Freakazoids. You got a big dumb bastard who can't get a title shot, wanting one, you got two pieces of trash wanting actual money, and a silver haired bastard wanting one, and you two pansies wanting one, when the only reason yer in the OAOAST bragging about being royalty is because you're both broke and live in an Econo-Lodge and need this gig to pay the bills!

NORTHSTAR
You should watch what you say.

BPT
Guess fine..fine...fine...money security ain't something any of you ever planned for! But now you have to plan for Big Papa Thrust flexing the largest arms in the galaxy and reaching up and taking that briefcase at AngleMania! Church!

Northstar restrained King Landon from going after BPT and a taunting Gory.

[Chanel #99]

Lake Street Community Center
Los Angeles, California
Tuesday after noon

Inside a gym and dressed in a bright green business suit and holding a basketball, Maya Duncan Blanchard overseas a grouping of middle school aged boys in gym wear

MAYA
(to an Asain boy)
You're cut
(to a white boy)
You're cut
(to a Indian boy)
You're cut
(to a Pakistani boy)
You're cut
(to a white boy)
You look like you have good hustle mentality. So hustle and get me a diet coke, please.

WHITE BOY
I don't have any money.

MAYA
I don't believe that. You're white! Come on, Coach Maya is thirsty.

Maya surveys her team, which all that remains is black kids.

MAYA
Awesome! So now your team name is Maya's Servants, and you're more than just a baskeball team, you're also gonna be my actual servants.

BLACK BOY 1
I thought we were the Bobcats?

MAYA
Kevin Durant is nicknamed The Servant, don't you wanna be like KD?

“YYYYEEAAAAAAAAA!”

MAYA
Awesome, guys! And if you win all your games, I'll show you my tits! Do you like tits?

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

A problem arises as a PARENT of middle eastern descent approaches Maya.

PARENT
Excuse me, young lady, but my son says you cut him. I was told when I paid my 60 dollar entry fee there would be no cuts, and everyone would play.

MAYA
New coach, new attitude! I'm bringing a winning culture to Silver Lake. Take a lap.

PARENT
Excuse me?

MAYA
Take.A.Lap.

PARENT
I'm not on this team.

MAYA
That's not really my prob. Take three laps! Go, go, go!

The parent really does go off and take the laps.

MAYA
You know what we call that kids? A locker room cancer.  And maybe a terrorist, who really knows in this day and age.

The white boy returns with Maya's soda.

MAYA
This is coke zero, kid. I'll let it slide this time, but you bring me one more coke zero instead of diet coke and you'll be cleaning this ass stink off the bleachers.  Anyway, gang I've never played basketball but I've been to lots of Lakers games, and so I can tel you the key to winning is fouling wtihout getting called. So lets practice beating the crap outta each other, and if you do a good job I'll wall twerk for you. Do you like wall twerking?

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAA”

KRISTA (OS)
I can't believe it!

Heads turn to see Krista in posh sunglasses and low cut top arrive onto the scene.

MAYA
Oh, hey, mom.

KRISTA
When your Aunt Amberlyn told me you took a job coaching basketball, I couldn't believe it. Maya assisting the growth and education of middle class children? Preposterous! And yet here you stand, helping the less fortunate. It saddens me.

MAYA
But, I needed a job.

KRISTA
You have a job

MAYA
Doing what?

KRISTA
Being my loving daughter.

MAYA
Mom...

KRISTA
And an OAOAST superstar and Sunray. You're literally being paid to get in fights and fuck.

KIDS

KRISTA
There's nothing but hot dudes and hot bi girls in the OAOAST and I guess Lorelei which falls into hot pack mule, but nonetheless you want to work with ethnic children?

MAYA
But, things have gotten so weird in the OAOAST with Jade, Annagret and Bobbi.

KRISTA
Most people have pay a 5 dollar cover then tip a dollar for a hot blond to even ask how they are. But, you my cupacke, you have three begging to fuck you silly.

KIDS

MAYA
But, they're crazy about me!

KRISTA
Of course they are! You look like me, except with your dad's hair. Please let me tell you a story. In eleventh grade I had many suitors as per uuush, but the best looking were Miles Geffen, Bruce Redstone and Wally Goldberg. These kids were wreaking havoc on each other to get with me. So, sick of the property damage they caused in my name, I announced an arm wrestling tournament, the winner would get me, but I also entered and if I won I would get all three at once. Lo and behold your mother had her first gang bang.

BLACK KID 1
What's a gang bang?

KRISTA
A gang bang is when numerous people, usually 3 or more, fuck a single person in multiple or even one hole at the same time.

MAYA
Not to be confused with running a train, in which multiple people, usually 3 or more wait in line to fuck someone one at a time.

KIDS

MAYA
So, mommy, you think I should put my hot teenage body on the line?

KRISTA
Get three hot blonds if you win? Be the personal fuck doll for one if you lose? I'm thinking I might just do it in your place!

MAYA
Thanks for the advice, you're  the best mom ever!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

The interview lounge is full of niggas chilling like villians, but its pure business for Sara Jean Underwood as she stands with Pretty Young Money, with even Sugar Belleflair being around the group for once.

SARA JEAN
Hey,everybody, Sara Jean here with Pretty Young Money who continue to be in a heated feud with the high society group of the Cayleys and Spencer and Gloss.

SUGAR
Not me! Don't include me in this, I don't want no trouble with no rich kids and vampires. I got enough problems with Sabrina Suckheart. But I'll tell ya this if Sabrina Suckheart was in this room with me right now, you know what I'd do?

ANASTASIA
What?

SUGAR
I'd pants her and everyone would laugh at her and she'd cry like the baby she is!

SARA JEAN
Ummmm, okay. Let's talk about those women's tag team titles, Melissa and Anastasia, you've been ducking defenses and your chief contenders are Gloss and Sammi-

MELISSA
Sara Jean you been trynna stir up trouble for me since I known ya, and I don't like it and I never will. Gloss and Sammi ain't contenders to these here belts, they're contenders to the lord's decency. That's what they are, fighters against the good word of our savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

PHECDA
An Amen from a beautiful soul. No titles for Gloss and Sammi.

AL HOUD
Only suffering and punishment.

PHECDA
And for Spencer the traitor.

PHECDA
Only hardships await for him.

AL HOUD
And Blaine. There are no men like you.

PHECDA
Then a special punishment must be made for a special man.

MELISSA
That's right, we're more than just a singing group, we're the right hand of the lord above, and the lord don't ugly, like I always say. Well, he hates the heck outta those four for what they done did to me, and what they done did to common decency!  But, that don't mean me and Anastasia gotta just put up our tag titles.

ANASTASIA
These are precious belts and only the worthy and the clean may fight for them.

The interview is given a surprising interruption as BILL BLASKY, attorney at law arrives on the scene.

SARA JEAN
Not you!

BILL BLASKY
Sara Jean, good to see ya, better to be in ya! Hahha! Hey gang hows it going? Don't mean to interrupt but Melissa Nerdly I got off the phone with Big Machine Records. You know them?

SUGAR
That's Taylor Swift's label!

BILL BLASKY
And they want Pretty Young Money on their roster, even the uh, these big guys over here. How ya doing fellas, don't take a step forward the earth might move! Just sign these documents.

Bill Blasky produces a contract for Melissa to sign.

SARA JEAN
Shouldn't you take that to a lawyer, Melissa?

BILL BLASKY
That's me!

MELISSA
You don't know nothing about the industry, Sara Jean, so you just need to mind your manners. But, Mister Blasky, I happened to have met Miss Swift once upon a time and she very cruel to me and chose to support my enemy Maya over me in my time of need-

BILL BLASKY
Say no more. Miss Swift has prepared a private dinner for just the two of you to talk this out after you sign.

MELISSA
Ain't that nice of her? God is gonna smile on her for that.

Melissa puts pen to paper and signs her first record deal!

MELISSA
I'll be sure to think about ya when I'm sleeping on my millions of dollars, Sara Jean.

Melissa cackles and walks off with Blasky.

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST REACTOR

Performing squats in the middle of the ring by her lonesome is...

TMW talent ADELPHE ST.NERD-REGARD

Her workout comes to a halt when she notices the approach of...

DOCTOR MADISON NERDLY, clad in workout pants and tank top

MADISON
Adelphe?

ADELPHE
Cousin Madison? Celestial blessings upon you.

MADISON
Ummm, thanks. Would you want to train me to wrestle?

ADELPHE
Wrestling training is a magical ceremony of creation.

MADISON
It is? That's not what MARV and MEL say.

ADELPHE
Surely, it would bring me great joy to help. But why do you need to learn?

MADISON
I should be above violence, but....I need to fight Morgan at SluttyMania 2 Twice The Slut. I think she'll only listen to a show of strength. Will you help me?

ADELPHE
Let the encounter between a million fallen stars commence!!!!!!

MADISON
Does that mean yes?

ADELPHE
It does!

Madison smiles as we then cut to the in ring action, with Adelphe providing instruction.

ADELPHE
I'll show you my finisher! LUMINARY UPPERCUT!

Adelphe does a rising uppercut that sees her twist in the air.

MADISON
I'm not strong enough to knock Morgan out with an uppercut.

ADELPHE
What about something simple? A hard double arm DDT?

MADISON
That could work.

ADELPHE
You'll need to hook both Morgan's arms above her back when she's bent over, then hook her head between your arm, then fall back and spike her! Can you do that?

MADISON
Getting her still will be a problem.

ADELPHE
We will strike with the might of a thousand comets! A hard kick to the stomach is perfect. Throw your hips into it!

Madison takes a few practice kicks, which get Adelphe's approval.

ADELPHE
Good job! Now let's practice a counter, if I lob a lariat at you, and you duck...

Adelphe goes in slow motion so that Madison may duck.

ADELPHE
And my soar through space time halts behind you, I want you to hit me in the back of the head with a  lariat.

MADISON
What if Morgan keeps running.

ADELPHE
Then you unleash the grand lightening!

MADISON
What is that in normal terms?

ADELPHE
Another hard kick that will have her hobbled! Then you karate chop her in the neck! Then you come down as a moon falling from the sky and drive a double stomp into her face. Let's keep at it!

Madison and Adelphe continue their work and we finally fade into the end...

MADISON
Thanks for the help. Can we continue tomorrow?

ADELPHE
Of course!

MADISON
Thanks.

Reject approaches the group, and tosses a broom to Adelphe.

REJECT
Its your turn to clean the women's locker room, kid.

ADELPHE
But, Reject!

REJECT
Don't think of it as a broom, think of it as a celestial spear with a thousand points.

ADELPHE

TONIGHT!
LOGAN MANN IN CONCERT!

 

[Chanel #99]

Video recorded following last week's Jannetty Conference Finals shows The American Idols and Taylor Swift's Bae going off on OAOAST Hall of Famer/office stooge Terry Taylor, calling their defeat a "miscarriage of justice!" Then they began ranting on Chick and his fellow amigos Juicy Cantu-Si and Mariachi.

Back LIVE!, Terry interviews the 3 Amigos. We learn Chick's interference was payback for TAI ripping off the mask of Mariachi to win their Anderson Cup opening round bout. 

CHICK
Raised to turn the other cheek, I decided to drop my cheeks in their face! Because nobody insults my friend and gets away with it. And if those blowhards have a problem with that, we'd be more than happy to settle it in the ring.

*** The Masked Mutants & Studderboxx vs. Rico de Janeiro, Remy Brazil & Pete-O ***

Coming off a memorable performance (for everybody but them) in the Lethal Bang, Rico and Remy came looking to make a statement, teaming once again with Pete-O and this time picking up the W after Remy dropped Studderboxx with the Ace in the Hole. Although Pete spending much of the match on the apron (tagging in only when his man was down and leaving after a series of stomps) certainly helped. 

Winners: Rico, Remy & Pete, via pinfall. 

After the match Rico cut a promo on Lucius, daring him to show his face. Lucius answered the call and told Rico to stop being a "lil' bitch." He then clowned Rico and Remy for kicking him out of the group for Pete, joking he could beat all 3 with one arm tied behind his back. Remy quickly seized the opportunity and challenged Lucius to do just that. 

LUCIUS
(laughs)
Lemme pick up that punk card and show you a trick. 

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" 

OAOAST head honcho Sophie and a herd of OAOAST officials ran out to restrain Lucius. 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Sophie called for a mic and informed all parties they could have their match NEXT WEEK.

SOPHIE
Tink about zee ratings! 

[Chanel #99]

Highlights from the inaugural Money in the Bank Ejaculation Chamber at SluttyMania One~! airs, followed by an interview conducted by OAOAST correspondent Sara Jean Underwood with last year's winner Cinnamon Spoons. They're at the world famous interview lounge which is all but empty as Cinnamon is joined by her trusty Pegasus ChubChub who she pets.

(The rest of the OAOAST roster are more dog and cat people.)

It was announced Cinnamon would step back into the Chamber and after receiving some love for her victory last year was asked what she'd do for an encore. Cinnamon revealed she and ChubChub had begun "rough and tough" training and produced a SWORD SHAPED DILDO that she licks clean.

CINNAMON
Bring on all comers!

Sara Jean noted there would be newcomers stepping into the EC, one of whom was The Doll, which turned out to be news to her after she barged into Cinnamon's interview time looking for "Tan-Tan". 

SARA JEAN
Tan-Tan? *stifles laughter*

THE DOLL
What do you mean I'm in the Elimination Chamber?

SARA JEAN
No. The Ejaculation Chamber. 

THE DOLL
The WHAT?!

CINNAMON
It's a rather sordid affair.

THE DOLL
No, no, no, no. Ew! The name alone sends shivers down my spine. I just wanna strut my stuff, not be in some amateur porno. 

SARA JEAN
What did you expect when you signed to appear at SluttyMania Two~!? 

THE DOLL
Special guest ring announcer. Or a match -- a normal match -- against somebody easy. Instead I'm book in a match with a lot of easy "women." UGH!

ChubChub pokes around The Doll and begins chewing her hair. 

THE DOLL
OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! What's this beast doing? 

ChubChub attempts to mount The Doll who screams and runs off calling for "Tan-Tan."

CINNAMON
(petting ChubChub)
She is not meant for battle. *shakes head*

[Chanel #99]

In the state of the art interview set Josh Matthews is with THE FLEX and more importantly, a yellow evening gown clad Lorelei DeCenzo.

MATTHEWS
Lorelei DeCenzo, I expected to be able to speak with Tyler Bryant.

LORELEI
The United States Champion and impending world champion is a busy man, and is currently engaged in prior commitments. You have to understand that having a future as bright as is comes with responsibilities to the public as well as his professional contacts.

MATTHEWS
I understand.

LORELEI
Good. However, rest assured that every word I speak to you today is endorsed by the United States champion. With that in mind please ask away, I will answer any question you have regarding Star67.

MATTHEWS
There's something of a disconnect between Tyler Bryant and world champion, Krista Isadora Duncan. Krista still sees Tyler as the man he used to be. How will that shape the world title match at AngleMania fifteen?

LORELEI
It won't, Josh. Believe me, young Joshua, it won't. Because Krista is soon going to learn that she is dealing with a different Tyler. An improved man of unstoppable means who can reach any end. She is lost in nostalgia now, yes we can all admit and see that. But, we currently have a plan in mind to make her see a brighter future. Please, stay tuned.

Lorelei gives off a charming yet evil smile and walks away with THE FLEX behind her.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

BUTTERFLY BROTHEL
West Hollywood, CA

Walking down the hallways of the hottest and most fanciest brothel in town is Silver being escorted by one of the ladies.

PROSTITUTE
I know you're going to have a great time with Mrs.Spezia.

SILVER
I just hope she finds me worthy. I'm such a worthless peon.

PROSTITUTE
You can't be worthless if you can afford her six thousand and hour fee.

SILVER
No, I am worthless. My best friend was drowned an ocean and I wasn't there to save him.

PROSTITUTE
You poor, baby! Don't worry Miss Spezia will make you feel all better.

The hooker leads Silver past a pair of double doors then through another set of double doors then through a sit of sliding doors and finally into the lush and warm and majestic confines of the Madame's room. Our self deprecating villain walks in on...

DIANA SPEZIA (Alix's mom!)

DIANA
Hello, child. Let me kiss you and soak in your energy.

Lucky Silver is pecked on the lips by Diana.

DIANA
I am Diana. And your name is?

SILVER
Silver.

DIANA
Just Silver.

SILVER
I had a first name. But I don't deserve it.

DIANA
Why do you say that?

SILVER
Because I am a miserable ant, even your eldest daughter knows it.

DIANA
You know my Alix? She can be a hard judge of character.

SILVER
Every judgement she's ever made about me is right. But, I have to confess I love your daughter. More than anything. I was kind of hoping that by lying with you, I would be closer to her in a way....

BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

ALIX
YAAAAAHHOOOOOOOOOOO~!

Alix bursts out of the closet, dressed like a ninja for god only knows what reason.

DIANA
Alix? Alix, how long have you been in my closet?

ALIX
Uh, like, seven....eight....

DIANA
Minutes?

ALIX
...Hours.

DIANA
Alix, this a violation of my sacred space.

ALIX
I'm saving your life, mommy dearest! Saving your life! Check this out, he went to visit Isabella last week and was all up in her biz, trying to get to know her and be friendly and shiz. Gross, right?

DIANA
What's wrong with being friendly?

SILVER

ALIX
Because he's using my familla, to get to me, and homie, this clown don't play that. That was a living color reference, Silver, are you old enough to get that?

SILVER
I am.

ALIX
Good. So, like, what's next, dude? Double donging it with my cat?

DIANA
Alix! You are being vulgar and mean.

ALIX
This dude is Planters Peanuts!

DIANA
So because he suffers from mental health issues you have the right to insult and bully him?

ALIX
Whoa , whoa, that's so not what I'm saying.

DIANA
I believe you need a timeout.

ALIX
Say what?! I'm 45 years old! I can't have a timeout, I haven't had a timeout since I was 38! This is crazy! This is wack, yo! Silver, this is your fault!

SILVER
I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to be the stepping stone to you becoming the great hope for humanity.

DIANA
That is very kind of you.

ALIX
Kyyyyyyyaaaa!

Pushed well beyond her breaking point, Alix goes wild eyed and manic. While frothing at the mouth, The Hollywood Bad Girl snatches onto Silver's shirt and pitches him through the open window!

DIANIA
Alix, you just threw him out the window!

ALIX
Be chill, Bill. Its only a first story window.

DIANA
Alix, we're on the third floor.

ALIX
Fuuuuccccccck.

***TurboWolf Vs Keyboard Warrior SWF Lives!***

RENEE
TurboWolf was a surprise entrant in the Lethal Rumble and even eliminated Brock, impressive for a rookie.

Also impressive was his performance as the SWF fanboy felt the same crushing end as Landon's old fed, beaten and fnished off by the 10,000 Fists superman punch.

Winner: TurboWolf, via pinfall

But the real story came after the match.

TURBOWOLF
Gory Dragan, you and I go back so I'm gonna give you fair warning, I'm coming for your 24/7 gold, boy. Best  be getting ready.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

In the ring stands the Anderson Cup trophy, as well as OAOAST Hall of Famer Terry Taylor who introduces both finalists Big IQ and Team SCREAM's Tanner Neptune and Jo-Jo Whoa. All was cordially with both teams wishing each other the best of luck next week in the 2016 AC Finals, but they were interrupted by THE DOLL who sought Tanner's help getting her removed from the upcoming Money in the Bank Ejaculation Chamber at SluttyMania Two~!

TANNER
Like I told you, babe, you gotta discuss this with Sophie. There's little I can do. 

THE DOLL
Or won't? Maybe you wanna see somebody play with The Doll? See where they touch me. 

Taken aback Tanner escorts The Doll backstage. 

BIG IQ
(to CW)
Home boy should've left his chick in Mexico. 

COLIN'S COMPOUND
BOSTON, MA

Inside what was once her dad's study, now converted to her private breakfast nook...

CASSIDY MAGUIRE is drinking mermosas while wearing a satin robe as...

CASSIDY NUMBER TWO watches.

This odd scene is walked in on by....

ANGEL MAGUIRE

ANGEL
Cassidy, I need to talk to you.

CASSIDY
I am enjoying mermosas with number two.

NUMBER TWO
I'm not drinking.

CASSIDY
I'm enjoying them for you.

NUMBER TWO
You're so sweet, Cassidy.

Undettered Angel decides to have a seat across from her daughter.

ANGEL
Your plan to fight The Menagerie with such high stakes...Leon getting released...its reckless. You weren't thinking clearly when you accepted Reagan's bargain. You have to understand that.

CASSIDY
Number two, explain to my mother, my exact level of clear thinkingness.

NUMBER TWO
Its a solid seven.

CASSIDY
No! No, number two, it is a ten! A ten!

ANGEL
Reagan will not fight fairly.

CASSIDY
Neither will I.

NUMBER TWO
I'm going to smuggle in a chain saw.

CASSIDY
How the hell do you expect to smuggle a chain saw in a body suit, you dumb skank?!

ANGEL
It still won't be enough. I think...you should let Amber fight.

That's not what Cassidy wanted to hear, and she shoots upright, face red with rage.

CASSIDY
Amber?! Amber?! Amber probably has active herpes legions contracted from Colin during group sex in a gay bar in Topeka!

AMBER
That was a very specific insult, but its probably not true.

CASSIDY
But, it could be! It could be, mother! And now Colin's a vampire with herpes! He'll have herpes forever!

NUMBER TWO
I'd still sleep with him.

ANGEL
Ewwww.

CASSIDY
But, here's the important thing, mother, this is my show. I am the star, the Donald Trump mixed with Kim Kardashian and a hint of the pope due to my continued support of the Mexican people.

ANGEL
You make them do cheap labor for you.

CASSIDY
What else are they going to do for me, mother? I'm tired of talking to you. Number two, explain this.

NUMBER TWO
Cassidy and I will give The Menagerie all the fight they can handle. If they're smart they won't show up, but good things like that never happen to me, that's why my mother repeatedly dropped me on my head when I was a baby and tried to drown me in paint thinner.

CASSIDY
Only the first sentence was necessary! None of the rest needed to be said!

Cassidy will tolerate no more and storms off with her robe flowing behind her.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

FANCY RESTURANT
Exterior

The limo pulls up and the driver opens the door for Melissa and Mister Blasky to step out.

MELISSA
I gotta say, Taylor knows how to treat talent. You think she'll introduce me to Gigi Hadid?

BILL BLASKY
You're her star player, of course she will.

Melissa and Mister Blasky enter the restaurant which strangely happens to be shrouded in darkness.

Then the lights come on

“SURPRISE!”

Then Melissa and Bill Blasky see no wait staff, no customers, and no Taylor Swift.

Just Blaine Caylely, Spencer Reiger, Sammi Cayley and Gloss Angieacola.

MELISSA
WHAAAAAAT? Where's Taylor!

SAMMI
To be-

GLOSS
Mmph! I won the coin toss I get to tell her!

SAMMI
There wasn't a coin toss.

GLOSS
I did it by myself.  Well, believe it or not there is no Taylor Swift or Big Machine Records. Or Bill Blasky.

BILL BLASKY
No, I am right here.

GLOSS
Sorry, I got carried away. We called him up and told him this GIANT heap of lies and paid him a pretty solid fee to go get you and pass on this GIANT HEAP of lies and make you sign the contract and come to this place we rented out. And finally....

SPENCER
Here comes the best part of all.

SAMMI
Can I at least tell her that? The best part?

GLOSS
Mrrrrrm, fine.

SAMMI
That contract wasn't a record deal, obviously, it was a contract for a tag title match at SluttyMania 2, Twice The Slut between us and you and Anastasia.

MELISSA

No!

GLOSS
See? We've got some pretty good tricks up our sleeve.

MELISSA
You demons! You dirty rotten demons! You'll all pay! You'll all pay!

BLAINE
Speaking of paying, I hope you have some money for Uber, the Limo is about to take us to the club.

BILL BLASKY
Can I come?

SAMMI
Uh, no.

Furious, outraged, and distraught and every other terrible emotion, Melissa rushes out the doors in tears and runs right into a giant man, getting knocked over.

GIANT MAN
Gonna need you to come up off that cash, bitch!

MELISSA
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

[Chanel #99]

Come on, let me ride your bicycle

It's so fantastical on your bicycle

We can get a little more physical

Baby, after all, it's only natural

I feel it coming, coming, coming, oh

I feel it running, running, running, oh

Come on, let me ride your bicycle

It's so fantastical on your bicycle

Skylar Gret's “C'Mon Let Me Ride” plays with blue lights flashing about the arena. The odd sigh though is Malaysia Nerdly riding a Barbie bicycle with Archie on the handles. And not only is he on the handles, he's wearing a lime green bikini top with a black booty shorts.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall, now making his way to the ring being accompanied by MALAYSIA NERDLY, he hails from Santa Monica, California, ARCHIBALD STUMPLEBOTTOM.

Furious with the introduction, Malaysia has to make a correction.

MALAYSIA
This isn't Archie. This is Esmeralda!

RENEE
Poor Archie, and we have some idea on who he's gonna face, and its not good....

I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you
Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you
Don't you know, don't you know?
True friends stab you in the front!
A large wave of blue pyro comes across from each end of the entrance stage to meet in the center. The second it ends towering rockets of purple pyro explode into the air Stepping through wild blue spotlights is Morgan Nerdly, who’s blond hair hangs in front of her baby blue eyes.

BUFFER
And his opponent, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, she is “THE MAPLE LEAF CUTIE” MORGAAAN NERRRDDDLLLLYY!

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOO!”

RENEE
Rare boos for Morgan Nedly, but after what she did to Madison she can expect those for a while/.

Morgan walks down the entrance ramp, ignoring the fans dsdain. In the ring she stands on the center ropes, leaning forward to gaze into the stands. Behind electrical sparks flicker violently off the turnbuckles.

DING DING DING

Morgan surveys Archie with a look of amusement and disdain.

MORGAN
Nice top, sweet stuff. Where'd you get it?

MALAYSIA
Its rude not to answer my sister's question, Esmeralda!

ARCHIE
My...mistress got it for me.

MORGAN
I didn't like the way you answered that.

POW! Morgan pops Archie to the ground and slumps him. There he's battered with stomps from the four time women's champion.

“BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

RENEE
Gotta agree with the Galaxy, this isn't a cool fight.

Picking up Archie, Morgan yanks off his bikini top to expose his scrawny ass chest and leave him weeping.

MALAYSIA
Don't cry! Do not cry!

Morgan certainly doesn't help that order as she pops Archie with her trademark back elbow to again knock the poor boy to the ground.

The cover....

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

Morgan pulls Archie upright!

Mister Stumplebottom is slung into the ropes and hit with a spinning back to his skinny fat stomach on his return. Morgan then throws off a series of kicks to the ribs, and then levels him with a  smashing roundhouse to the face!

“OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Lightning Kicks!

The Maple Leaf Cutie then comes off the ropes and takes to the hair to drive a knee into Archie's face!

MALAYSIA
You need this, girl. You need to be dominated, Esmeralda!

Archie doesn't think so and tries to make an escape beneath the ropes!

MALAYSIA
Stay!

RENEE
Who can blame Archie for running away?

But Archie can't get anywhere as Morgan takes hold of his leg and yanks him back to the center of the ring. Dazed and fighting back tears, Archie can do nothing but watch Morgan come off the ropes and bash him with a sliding lariat!

“OOOOOHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Electric Slide!

MALAYSIA
You love this, girl. You love to get your fag ass beat in front of millions. This makes your pussy wet.

That's probably not true as Archie's tear blurred eyes are still on the hunt for the exit. But as he rises he's clubbed in the back by Morgan's forearms. Then as he staggers about, he's hit with a running forearm from inhuman hottie!

“OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!”

MALAYSIA
You need this, fag girl! You have earned this.

Slumping to the mat, Archie hopes to get pinned and defeated, but gets no such luck. Rather Morgan seizes hold of him and traps him in a cross arm bar!

ARCHIE
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

MALAYSIA
Do not tap! Do not tap!

Fat chance of that happening! Archie slams his hand on the mat as if the fate of the free world depends on it.

BUFFER
Your winner as a result of a submission...MORGAN NERDLY!

MALAYSIA

Deciding her poor sub hasn't suffered enough, Malaysia enters the ring and descends upon him with brutal stomps!

“BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COACH
Damn, this kid has the worst life ever.

Morgan needs no excuse to inflict suffering and joins in with her sister and a cruel beating of poor Archie. She even pulls Archie upright and feeds him to Malaysia, who decks him with a lariat!

“OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Why did that need to happen?!

There's a roar from the crowd as CLAR AISLING DELACEY makes a rush to the ring! She slides in and begins trading punches with both Nerdly kids.

“AISLING! AISLING! AISLING!” the sold out fans chant.

But the numbers advantage doe her no favors and soon the sisters overwhelm her. The worse part comes when Morgan captures her onto her shoulder and drops her with an F-U onto poor Archie!

“OOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Shock & Awe!

But, there's more war at hand as SABRINA OAKHEART rushes into the ring to raise hell!

RENEE
Oh no, Sabrina stay away!

Poor Sabrina gets battered with stumps from the Nedlys, then finds herself in Malaysia's clutches. The giantess hauls the teenager into the air then delivers a crushing double chokeslam!

“BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

For some reason this scene of Sabrina's destruction speaks to one Sugar Belleflaire who dashes to the ring and hails Morgan and Malaysia.

SUGAR
We done did it! Frog breath has been taken downtown to China town, baby! Best friend number three and best number four, done saw me suffering, done saw me weak as weak can get and they extended a hand and they said Nature Girl time for you to go back to being THE WOMAN! Let's beat Suckheart down! Yeah!

Sugar pats her new “best friends” on the shoulder and back, while also strutting about the fallen faces.

RENEE
What a weird little kid!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK~!

HeldDOWN~!
Last Week 

* Slaughterhouse beat down Sonic and Hood Again. *

Back LIVE!, OAOAST corespondent Sara Jean Underwood spoke with Slaughterhouse at the world famous interview lounge. Sara Jean called the group "real monsters" over their actions last week. 

JUMBO
Monsters INKED!

SLAUGHTERHOUSE
 

Deuce cut a promo on Sonic saying they brought him into the group to be a contender but he proved to be nothing but a pretender.

DEUCE
Then he goes off trying to call his own shots without running it past the group. He's lucky we only gave him a beat down and didn't bury him! 

JUMBO
How 'bout our main man CAM? Left that sucker laying in a pool of blood and didn't even get any on his clothes. 

CAM
 

WARTHOG
Now let's talk about the mmm, mmm, mmm... dessert. It was yummy for my tummy but big boo boos for you Hood Again dummies. 

HEAVY D
You wanted some, got some and now you need some... Help that is!

SLAUGHTERHOUSE
 

Suddenly we cut to the ring where the OAOAST Galaxy erupts as Hood Again and Uncle Moe call out Slaughterhouse. 

UNCLE MOE
Me and my nephews, we still standing motherfuckers! You ain't done nothin' but piss us off! And since you think you're so bad, come try to finish the job you started last week!

DEUCE
And I thought these guys were college educated. 'Cause only a fool would go into a fight outnumbered. 

WARTHOG
A damn fool.  

Looking to finish Hood Again once and for all, Slaughterhouse surrounded the ring and attacked. Hood Again and Uncle Moe fought valiantly but soon the numbers became too much. That is until SONIC (head bandaged) even the odds with a 2 X 4! 

COACH
AAH!

Hood Again and Uncle Moe rejoined the fight and along with Sonic sent Slaughterhouse hightailing.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage in the state of the art interview lounge and AngleMania basebell jersey wearing Josh Matthews is with The XFL.

MATTHEWS
Xavier, Mister Dick returned to the OAOAST and placed a target on your back. Are you worried about what he might do to you?

THE XFL
Let me get this straight, I injure this guy's eye, injure it a second time, get his punk ass run down by my man, and I'm supposed to be the one who's losing sleeping at night?

There's a loud grunt, and then the tanned hard body of Mister Dick slams into The XFL!

MATTHEWS

Josh is smart to scramble off, leaving Mister Dick free reign to pummel The XFL!

MISTER DICK
Damn right you best be scared, bitch! Now its time for some Texas clam chowder!

**unzips pants***

THE XFL

Luckily and boy do I mean luckily, BROCK AUSSTIN and MATHIS GOLDEN bumrush Mister Dick!

THE XFL
Beat this redneck motherfucker down!

The giant duo stomps Mister Dick, his old intentions ruined, and his body getting bruised by their kicks. But, help does arrive for Jock as COBRA STRIKE comes along with steel chairs to bash away The All XFL contingent. Baron gets down to check on Jock, but Ned isn't so concerned.

BLANCHARD
Understand this, Mulligan, I only helped yer ass so Baron didn't run in and get his ass whupped. Far as I'm concerned anything happens to you, you deserve it.

That's the words Blanchard leaves the group on.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Wanna lick get a taste of the dip, in my kitty box
Wanna play for a day dad-dy? In my kitty box
Wanna lick get a taste of the dip, in my kitty box
Wanna play for a day dad-dy? In my kitty box
(My kitty box, my kitty box, my kitty box, my kitty box)

 

Picture Maya masturbatin in a drop
Picture Maya tan and topless on a yacht
Picture Maya suckin on you like some candy
Picture Maya in your shirt and no panties
Shirt and no panties... [moaning]
Picture Maya in the pool skinnydippin
Picture Maya in the 69 position
Picture Maya dancin on a stripper pole
Picture Maya in a Playboy centerfold
Playboy centerfold, Playboy centerfold
Playboy centerfold, Playboy centerfold

The OAOAST remix of Lil Kim's Kitty Box blasts into the arena and the fans are on their feet cheering for Maya Duncan-Blanchard who arrives wearing a cut off above the stomach SluttyMania 2 tee and a jean skirt.

RENEE
I think someone forgot to tell Maya its still winter.

The FuckSlut From Hell enters the ring with the fans eagerly awaiting her words.

MAYA
You ever catch your parents having sex? Pretty cool sight! But right now I'm like the kid with a hot mom with a thin waist, a big phat ass, and really huge jugs, and who doesn't know who their dad is. That's me. I'm in a bad situation. I've got one blond, who's an actual goddess, who has super long legs lusting after me, then I have another blond, who's my sister, who is a gigantically oversized behind lusting after me, then I have a third blond, who has super sexy lips and is a total dom lusting after me, and none of them want to consolidate their efforts and just gang rape me, which is a shame.

Maya sighs.

MAYA
In fact instead of gang raping me, or even thinking up schemes to gang rape me, they'd rather divide their efforts and fist fight each other. That's just crazy. And its dangerous because I keep getting hurt. They even wanna divide Sunrise into two groups, which would make double the unpaid work for poor Megan. And if there's anyone who needs less work and more dick its Megan.

COACH
I'm here if she wants me.

RENEE
She doesn't. Trust me.

MAYA
But, like you saw earlier because all my life is documented for camera, there's hope that's still alive. This year at SluttyMania, Twice the Slut, the Fuck Slut from Hell, that's me be-tee-dubs, puts her hot Teenage Body on in the line in the G-Spot Climax tournament!

RENEE
Oh my god, what could that be?

MAYA
Annagret, Bobbi, Jade, if you win the tournament you get me all to yourselves for a whole three months. That's three months of you doing what ever perverted crap you wanna do to this hot teenage body. But, if I win, I get gang fucked by all three of you at the same time!

“YYYYYYEEEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

RENEE
That's even crazier than what I thought!

MAYA
I'll let Sophoie handle the seedings, I just know that after SluttyMania, Twice the Slut, I'm gonna have me three sluts!

“YYYYYEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Maya blows kisses to the roaring audience as we fade to commercial

COMMERCIAL

 

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, Team Heyross joined OAOAST correspondent Sara Jean Underwood at the world famous interview lounge and actually handled most of the talking. No typo. They spoke and loudly because they've been getting harassed online over their Anderson Cup elimination last week. 

BENJAMIN
If you're gonna smack talk a professional wrestler over a loss in the year 2016 then I know who you people are voting for this November. Bunch of morons. But tonight... Tonight we'll introduce you to real losers. 

*** The Party Brigade & "The King of Bronies" Daisuke Motozaki w/ Amberlyn Duncan vs. The Keyboard Warriors (Boba Fetch, Chef Worry & Goomba Aye My Lord) *** 

In a non-title bout, the OAOAST 6-man tag champs made short work of the Keyboard Warriors, scoring the W after a Dice-M Rainbow Dash Mash. 

Winners: The Par Brigade & Dice-M, via pinfall. 

After the match the champs were confronted by Team Heyross and All XFL Team GM Rick Heyross. 

MOSS
Now here are some real losers. 

HEYROSS
 

BENJAMIN
Yeah. These are the guys we've beaten again and again when the stakes are high. Just last year during The Challenge and a few weeks ago in the Anderson Cup. 

Pierce got in Benjamin's grill and said if they've got "something important to say then say it."

HEYROSS
Oh, my men have something very important to say, but they'd rather let actions speak louder than words. 

On cue BROCK AUSSTIN wipes out Dice-M and The Playmakers pounce on The Party Brigade. When it's all said and done Brock and the Playmakers stand tall over the 6-man champs posing with the titles. 

HEYROSS
Consider it said. 

[Chanel #99]

RENEE
Alright settle in folks its time for Logan Mann's rock concert!

The entrance stage has been transformed to a concert stage with a drummer, a bass player, a guitarist, a pianist, a saxophone player, a trumpeter, a cellist, a violinist , a bongo drum player, another guitarist, and four back up singers. Somewhere in this mass of humanity one might able to detect a gothic themed Vegas type set but good luck!

Ya, You never said a word
You didn’t send me no letter
Don’t think I could forgive you

 

Three wisemen appear on stage, one holding a baby within its arms and the other two holding bottles of Colt 45. The men form a semi circle around the middle part of the stage, with the middle lowering the baby to the ground. The baby is then swallowed beneath the stage and the men drop to their knees in prayer.

Hey, when seas will cover lands
And when men will be no mor
Don’t think you can forgive you

 

A light shines on the middle part of the stage, bold brilliant and glowing. And with that light does the middle of the stage opens.

 

Ya when there’ll just be silence
And when life will be over
Don’t think you will forgive you

 

Rising through the opening, attired in Jesus robes and golden sunglasses, is a figure who's body shines in the light....LEEZUS PRICE LOGAN MANN!

LOGAN
You're hearing the truth tonight, but you're seeing the truth at AngleMania fifteen! Philadelphia is home to Rocky the king of boxing, but Logan Mann the king of rock n roll reigns supreme in Money In The Bank!

“BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

LOGAN
TMZ trying to make up stories! PRL trying to make up stories on his podcast! I love my wife! I love that woman!

The fans have to roll their eyes, especially because next up is...

LOGAN
But I would let Gretchen stick her fingers in my ass, because I know she loves me!

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOO!”

LOGAN
Oh what? I ain't Leezus Price though? I ain't cool though? Motherfuckers be frontin!  I bet half the men in the audience would eat my ass! Never mind they females!

“BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOO!”

LOGAN
That woman needs me! I am a taste maker! I am the taste maker of her brain! If I tell her to stop wearing Vera Wang and start wearing Air Jordan's, she'll be in line with the rest of black folk on release day, because she loves me! She adores me! She worships the toilet I sit on! Every damn day! All damn day!

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, I remember when this road was my own
I pray to god, I just don't know anymore
I pray to god, I just don't know anymore
Anymore
I lost the feeling but I try to hold on
I thought the end of a love and what made you strong
I pray to god, I just don't know anymore

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

LOGAN
My bae arrives just in time!

Just in time to defend her herself from Logan's ramblings, as the Lethal Bang winner is incensed.

GRETCHEN
Logan Mann, you have assailed my honor and my class one time too many to be written off as the boorish buffoonery of the lowborn. Though I am committed to taking the women's title from Holly's waist, I did not ask to quarrel with you. However, you seem hell bent playing part and parcel to your beloved's torment of me.

LOGAN
I love you.

GRETCHEN
Codswallop! You no more love me than a bear loves a salmon.

LOGAN
Stop playing around, Gretchen, we know you're mad for my penis.

GRETCHEN
You seek to recommend yourself to me in a most low fashion. Though that which resembles cunning is not admirable, you would do with a measure of it. I see my kindness and patience has been punished with put downs and balderdash from your house. It is clear to me I need be more severe upon you and your wife!

That wife bum rushes Gretchen, slamming a lariat into the back of her head and toppling her to the ground. For all his gusto, Logan just stands back and watches while Holly's combat boots terrorize Gretchen's head. Fearful for their own safety, Logan's back up band makes a hasty exit.

“BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Screaming in rage, The Angel of Death grabs hold of Gretchen and slings her into the drum set, causing the huge construction to tumble aside with Gretchen screaming out in agony. And still Logan stands idly by as if this happening in a realm beyond his vision.

HOLLY
Is this severe upon me?! Is this cunning to you?

PIERETTE SAINT-NERDREGARD arrives just in the nick of time and tackles Holly to the ground. Right behind her is security, who prevent Pierette from doing too much damage to the women's champion. Still their arrival isn't met with warm fondness from Holly who kicks at them and even tosses several of them into the speakers.

HOLLY
(Beep) the OAOAST! (beep) Gretchen!

That insult sends shock waves to Gretchen's body and she leaps at Holly, smashing her first against her forehead. Sadly Gretchen can't do much more than that as now OAOAST Superstars have to come and interject themselves into the fray. And on this crazy scene we....

FADE OUT