OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 2-21-2016

[Chanel #99]

OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-
BROADCAST IN OAOAST HD AND 3D

RENEE
Welcome to the most exciting trip of your lives! We're going down the road to Angle and SluttyMania and we're bound for more than a few crashes and head on collisions, which in our case probably means a few oral sex scenes!

COACH
Me and you?

RENEE
That happened one time and I was drunk.

I AIN'T GOT NO MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDS

The fans let a heaping of heat as the women's champion, Holly, attired in a white tank top and navy daisy dukes approaches the ring.

RENEE
Save the date, gang, because on March 19th it will be Gretchen Wright challenging Holly for the women's title at SluttyMania from the Tokyo Dome!

Holly steps into the ring and turns to address the sold out crowd.

HOLLY
Sophie Grey told me I'd have all the time to talk about whatever the (beep) I want to open the show. But what's there to say? What the (beep) do I gotta talk about? I don't need to tell you pissants who I am. You know my god damn resume. Four time women's champion, Miss Anderson Cup winner, women's tag team champion, multi time Angle Award winner, and the mother(beep)ing Angel of Death!

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOO!”

HOLLY
You assholes know all that, and you're still trying to get hyped for a Gretchen Wright/Holly title match at SluttyMania in Japan.

“YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

HOLLY
You guys are as dumb as you look, (beep)ing (beep)suckers.

“BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

HOLLY
Lemme tell you what's being going on for the past couple of months. Every move forward Posh Spice makes I knock her rich ass back. Every fire she starts I put out. Every milestone she reaches, I turn that shit to dust. What's her Lethal Bang win to me? Not a god damn thing!

RENEE
That's what her tantrum showed us at AnglePalooza.

HOLLY
You honestly think Gretchen Wright can walk into the Tokyo Dome, look across the ring at me, and then walk out that same arena with this belt. Knock it off, knock it off. You know my story. I've beat bitches asses, I've smacked the piss out of them with chairs, my promise on this is golden, you don't just hear my audio, you've seen my video. If I say Gretchen Wright's getting her ass beat that's the law.

Stand on the bar, stomp your feet, start clapping
Got a real good feeling something bad about to happen

Just about everyone is shocked when Miranda Lambert's “Something Bad” plays and the Flair robe attired, Suger Belleflair comes hurrying to the ring..

RENEE
Why does she have to wear the robe everywhere?

HOLLY
What the (beep) do you want?

SUGAR
Today is yer lucky day, kid.

HOLLY
Kid?! You're calling me a kid?

SUGAR
Since Amberlyn done blocked my phone number, and unfriended me on facebook I been out a best friend number two. I still got Maggie staying a strong number one, but that number two spot is wide open, and I'll tell ya this, with you as best friend number two, Maggie as best friend number one, and me as supreme commander, we'll beat the stuffing outta that Sabrina Oakheart!

HOLLY
Why the (beep) do I care about beating up some kid?

SUGAR
'Cause she's a stupid turd eater, her breath smells like frog eggs, and I don't take kindly to no stupid turd eaters with frog egg breath on my turf. Now are we gonna crow like some hens or are we gonna kick some poop muncher butt?!

HOLLY
I'll tell ya what, squirt. If you beat Gretchen Wright next week, I'll be your (beep)ing concubine if you want, and I'll smash this belt into Sabrina Oakheart's face. You up for that?

SUGAR
Boy am I! I'm gonna smack Gretchen Wrong all the way to Pluto!

RENEE
Gretchen Wrong? I'm almost ashamed to promote the match, but there's our mainevent for next week, guys!

COACH
What about this week?

RENEE
Lalalalala not answering!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

***Anderson Cup: The Playemakers W/Rick Heyross Vs The Party Brigade W/Amberlyn Duncan***
RENEE
AnglePalooza was a bad night for The All XFL Team with Xavier dropping the world title and Mister Dick making his return. So how can The Playmakers cope tonight?

Moss wanted Riggs to go through a pre-match prayer, but was horrified to find Riggs was an atheist! Urged on by Jesus, Moss went to a brawling offense and wound up getting beat down by Riggs.

“JESUS HATES YOU! JESUS HATES YOU! JESUS HATES YOU!”

Deeply offended by this chant, Moss had to tag out. Benjamin was left to handle both members of TPB, which went rather poorly for him. The worse came when he got hit by a Bro Train from Pierce and then Riggs!

PIERCE
Choo-Choo baby! This train is STD free.

AMBERLYN
Huh? Why did you add that in?

PIERCE
Lotta rumors going around Twitter. Whole lotta rumors!  

TPM bailed out of the ring at Heyross' urging to call a strategy session When they returned to the ring, they couldn't get their technical offense to playout against TPB, who had everything well scouted.

COACH
The Party Brigade is on top of their game tonight.

But all it takes is one mishap and when Riggs accidentally speared Pierce off the apron, Moss rolled him with a hook of the tights to secure a flash win!

Winner:The Playmakers, via pinfall.

RENEE
Hey! What would Jesus think of that win?

COACH
Jesus forgives our sins, Renee, so of course he'd forgive Chuck.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, OAOAST Hall of Famer Terry Taylor spoke with Hood Again and Uncle Moe at the world famous interview lounge. Speaking for his nephews, the always outspoken Marcellus, a/k/a Uncle Moe, talked about people coming up to them saying how disappointed they are Heavy D and The Warthog are using the Anderson Cup as an excuse to not step into the ring with them. 

MARCELLUS
I'm quick to tell these folks root -- yes, I said root -- for Heavy D and Warthog. You know why?

MOSES
'Cause if they go all the way they get a crack at the gold, and that means Kawhi and I get to kill two birds with one stone no matter who wins because we'd take the straps from one and whip the other too! 

KAWHI
We call that a win-win.

MARCELLUS
Ain't nothin' scarier than college educated negroes. 

TERRY
 

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

As return from break we find Doctor Madison in the ring, dressed down in a SluttyMania polo shirt and a tennis skirt.

MADISON
I hope all of you saw the Lethal Bang this past Sunday.

COACH
Boy did we!

MADISON
And I hope my performance was okay.

“MADISON! MADISON! MADISON!”

Madison smiles at the support given her.

MADISON
I know there were a few people who thought I wouldn't show up, or that I would show up and be eliminated first. One of those happens to be my youngest sister Morgan. So, Morgan if you don't mind, please come out here and let's discuss your inaccurate prediction.

The voice of the empire, the scene is on fire
Pull the plugs higher, I spit fire
Trance of the empire strangle my desire
Pull the plugs higher, and I'll spit fire

I'm borderline happy, and I'm borderline sad
I'm borderline good and I'm borderline bad
And I can't get rid of this singing fear
You saw me out and my head gets clear
I live my life in shackles, but I'm borderline free
I used to be blind and I still can't see
In a round and round till you change your mind
As long as nobody breaks my sight
Wearing a pink and black ruffled romper, Morgan emerges to the delight of the crowd and Madison. The Maple Lead Cutie strolls up the entrance steps with an easy gait and enters the ring.

MADISON
Thanks for showing up. Do you remember what you promised to do if I didn't get eliminated first in the Lethal Bang?

MORGAN
Yes, I do remember.

MADISON
I'm not going to make you eat fecal matter, I'm not a monster. But, your big sister would like you to eat some crow. Especially because you got eliminated before me.

MORGAN
Is that what this is? You want to gloat about topping me and you want me to bow at your feet? Hmmm, I'll have to give that some thought. Let me think long and hard about what you want me to do...

Suddenly and much to the horror and rage and outright shock of all who are watching, Morgan sweeps Madison onto her shoulders!

RENEE
No! Morgan, that's your sister!

Sister or no, Morgan obviously couldn't care less as she throws Madison down with a thundering F-U!

CROWD

RENEE
Shock & Awe! Shock & Awe!

COACH
To her own damn sister!

The fans are irate and distraught, believing the relationship between Madison and Morgan to be one of the OAOAST's most unbreakable. Yet youngest sister stands over eldest sister, voicing her correction to that belief with a scowl.

MORGAN
Sorry, Doctor Maddy, I don't think crow is on my menu.

Madison is left behind, unable to move, unable to talk. Only able to feel the pain of this immense betrayal.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

*** Lucius Soul vs. Keyboard Warrior Grover Clover *** 

Competing for the first time since his split from Southern Immorality, the Soul Man (off a memorable performance in the Lethal Bang) had the full support of the OAOAST Galaxy as he made easy work of his opponent, picking up the W following his version of the GTS dubbed Fro 2 Sleep.

Winner: Lucius Soul, via pinfall. 

Renee interviewed Lucius in the ring after the match, with Lucius going off on his former partners in crime. 

LUCIUS
Without them they thought I didn't have a leg to stand on and that they'd go on to bigger and better things. Looks like the joke's on them because not only do I have a leg to stand on -- a third leg, if you will -- but I got a bigger thang and it was buried deep in a better thing! 

RENEE
I think they got the message at Anglepalooza!

LUCIUS
Gave a whole new meaning to the term "in one ear and out the other"!

[Chanel #99]

Inside the men's locker room is not a place Maya fears going as she hurries inside to get a hold of dear old dad.

MAYA
Dad!

NED
Hey, kiddo. You wanna be on my podcast? We record it live from the Raise Hell Ranch.

MAYA
You mean your condo in Newport?

NED
Yeah the condo.

MAYA
Pass. I need some advice. Like, I need you to think back to the time you were a real sleazy guy hounded by women the world over, way before this ongoing midlife crisis that turned you into a beer guzzling redneck.

NED
Alright, let me take it back to 2007.

MAYA
Okay, so let's say you had a bunch of women fighting over you.

NED
What women?

MAYA
What?

NED
What women from 2007?

MAYA
Any woman! Who cares?!

NED
I gotta know what women to be able to give some good advice.

MAYA
Ugh, ugh, ugh! Uh, Melody, Lorelei, and Beyonce. And they were getting real violent with each other over you, and in the process you got your ankle sprained and your elbow hurt. So now these dumb bitches have put you in danger.  What would you do?

NED
I'd work it to my advantage. I'd tell em I have cancer. Then you know what? They'd be real nice and peaceful around me 'cause I got cancer and shit, and save their fighting for when I'm not around. Problem solved, right?

MAYA
Hmmmm. Worth a shot!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, OAOAST correspondent Sara Jean Underwood spoke with Team SCREAM's Tanner Neptune and Rena Maria, better known as The Doll, one of the biggest names in the ARRIBA promotion and a person we first got to meet at Anglepalooza when THE FLEX used her purse as a weapon. 

THE DOLL
FYI: a designer bag. 

We learned The Doll not only attended the event to finalize a deal to work SluttyMania 2 in March, but it also gave her a chance to visit her boyfriend Tanner!

TANNER
Rena wanted the full OAOAST experience, so I made sure the OAOAST gave her the best seat in the house. But just like at a basketball game sometimes the action comes to you when you're seated in the front row. Only you don't expect Steph Curry to grab your lady's purse and bitchslap CP3. 

THE DOLL
(annoyed) 
Honey! How many times do I have to tell you, it's a designer bag. 

TANNER
My bad, baby. I know you love the best. And later tonight THE FLEX is gonna get my best. Pack your luggage big man because spring break came early for you. I'm taking you to Neptune! 

[Chanel #99]

OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK~!: Anglepalooza -- Anastasia's strategy (involving Phecda) to win the Lethal Bang blows up thanks to Samantha Cayley & Gloss; Phecda gets revenge later in evening sneaking in to help Al Houd eliminate Sammi's brother Blaine in Lethal Rumble.

*** Phecda vs. Blaine Cayley w/ Samantha Cayley *** 

His shot at main eventing AngleMania denied by Pretty Young Money goons Al Houd and Phecda, as seen in the SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK, Blaine sought payback. If he wasn't going to AM then neither would Phecda, who happened to be without his partner Al Houd.

RENEE
I'm assuming Al Houd is somewhere keeping Melissa company. 

COACH
Can't have enough protection with Gloss flying around.

RENEE
But I thought Melissa wasn't afraid of Gloss?

COACH
Well, um... You ask too many questions! 

Other than a body slam or two this match was mostly a fight until MELISSA NERDLY ran out and clobbered Sammi across the back with the Women's tag title! 

RENEE
Hey! 

Melissa laughed and then stuck her tongue out at Sammi before running off when an angry Blaine rushed outside to his sister's aid. Caring more about Sammi's welfare then the match Blaine was counted out, to Phecda's delight. 

Winner: Phecda, via count out. 

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

The interview lounge is bustling and rocking and somehow admist all this revelry, Sara Jean Underwood, ace reporter, has gotten an interview with Leezus Price, Logan Mann!

SARA JEAN
Logan-

LOGAN
Gretchen, Gretchen Wright, I wasn't there for you at the Lethal Bang, which you won, because you imagined all those men were the god, Leezus Price. Can you please call me tomorrow?

SARA JEAN
Logan, I just wanted to ask you what you thought about Tony Brannigan in the Lethal Rumble. You two have known each other-

LOGAN
Gretchen, you love me and you love my art. I am your favorite artist but you watch me barely breathe and still play my album in your house …

SARA JEAN
Its gonna be one of those interviews again, isn't it?

LOGAN
World, please tweet, FaceTime, Facebook, instagram, whatever you gotta do to get Gretchen to support me and have sex with me.

SARA JEAN
You're married!

LOGAN
I’m this generation's Disney… I want to bring dope shit to the world…I want to have sex with Gretchen.

SARA JEAN
Your wife is defending her women's title at SluttyMania against Gretchen!

LOGAN
I don’t have enough resources to create what I really can. Gretchen, I am publicly asking you for help.
One of the coolest things you could ever do is to help me in my time of need and give me money and have sex with me and I will always respect you for that and the world will love you.

SARA JEAN
You've lost it!

LOGAN
I know I can make the world a better place… I have done the impossible … I retook the throne of wrestling.. I beat the fashion game…  All you dudes in San Fran play rock music in your homes but never help the real artists… you’d rather open up one school in Africa like you really helped the country… if you want to help… help me…  I promise I’m going to make the world dope…. all I do is make shit dope #facts…I love you Gretchen. Come to me. Peace god.

SARA JEAN
Just go. Go now. Please.

[Chanel #99]

We're in the Gothic antechamber of Leon's compound, where a fat and naked Sloppy Joe is laying in pool with a dark an evil sort of water. Around him stands The Menagerie, minus Leon of course, and headed by Regan Flangan, the Maguire sibling's aunts and Angel's sister.

REGAN
Espos Powerusa!

SLOPPY JOE
I'm hungry.

Regan fights back a curse and casts her spell again.

REGAN
Espos Powerusa!

SLOPPY JOE
I'm still hungry.

REGAN
This isn't working.

SCOURGE
Ay, no shit, lass.

RAYDER
What's this bloody spell meant for anyway?

REGAN
I tried to tell you, we don't need Leon so much as we need his demonic powers. I'm attempting to channel them into Sloppy Joe's body. But, obviously, the spell seems unfit to cooperate.

MAGGIE
Maybe its cause your subject is a fat useless fuck.

SILVER
I'd volunteer myself, but I'm a worthless failure of a man who doesn't deserve Leon's gift.

REGAN
No, no. The problem is three of you saw fit to allow Leon to be buried in an ocean. Which ocean we don't know. A terrible gamble on your part. I disapprove of that.

SCOURGE
We didnae know that would happen. He seemed safe.

RAYDER
Safe as can be in Colin's hands.

MAGGIE
Actually, you're major problem is your just using hocus pocus and Leon got these powers from ripping off Odin. Know any Norse gods you can steal from?

REGAN
Then the solution is to either find a way to get these powers from Leon's eternally drowning body, or find a way to get Leon back. And we must find the solution soon, because we are not very equipped to fight three witches and two vampires. You have your mission. Go. Or make your final good-byes to your family.

Reagan dismisses the lot, with Sloppy not even getting fed.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

*** THE FLEX w/ Lorelei DeCenzo vs. Tanner Neptune ***

With his girlfriend (The Doll) watching from the back, Tanner gave Flex his best, but the personal bodyguard of Lethal Rumble winner Tyler Bryant was too much to handle, as a Flex Buster thrust spinebuster put Tanner away. 

THE DOLL

Winner: THE FLEX, via pinfall. 

Flex laid the verbal smack down on Tanner following the match, even going as far as to paintbrush him until OSCAR FRIBERG ran out to his fellow Team SCREAM member's defense. The two trade blows with Oscar getting the better of the exchange, prompting Flex to retreat.

Backstage we find the sight of Archie, wearing a shirt that says “SUB” in bright orange letters walking down the hall, when a powerful yet feminine hand reaches out of a doorway and drags him into a janitor's closet.

MALAYSIA
Esmeralda.

ARCHIE
Mistress...Malaysia.

MALAYSIA
I missed you in the Lethal Bang. Why weren't you being fucked like the rest of the Hotties?

ARCHIE
I'm...not a Hottie.

MALAYSIA
What are you then?

ARCHIE
I'm...I'm...

MALAYSIA
I said what are you?!

ARCHIE
I'm a pretty little girl.

MALAYSIA
Mmmm are you? I saw you having lunch with Aisling today. What did I tell you about associating with her?

ARCHIE
But, she's my friend.

MALAYSIA
I'm glad you said that.

ARCHIE
You are?

MALAYSIA
Because now I'm going to fuck you up the ass for my pleasure, not yours.

ARCHIE
Please....no.

Archie looks down and sees that Malaysia has come prepared with a strap on attached to her waist.

ARCHIE
Not here no.

Malaysia moves so suddenly, that Archie can't protest as his pants drop to his ankles. He's spun around, ass prone to Malaysia.

MALAYSIA
This is mine. All mine. Do you understand?

ARCHIE
Yes, Mistress Malaysia.

MALAYSIA
Don't cum or I will beat you.

As our censors aren't ready to show pegging we'll just fade out at this point!

[Chanel #99]

In front of an OAOAST banner stands Mister Dick, free of eye patch and wearing his glittering white cowboy hat.

MISTER DICK    
All XFL Team, time to pay attention, because I got words for you. Be careful what you do and be careful what you say.

Mister Dick points a menacing finger at the screen.

MISTER DICK    
Mathis Golden, this buds for you. First you ran me off the damn road trying to kill me dead, then you went on national TV and told the people watching what you were gonna do to me if I came back?. That you were gonna tear my insides out and shove them up my daddy's ass. Mathis Golden, you couldn't kick half my daddy's ass if the other half was helping you. And what is gonna happen is now that I'm back I'm gonna stiff kick your face in and send you crying to your daddy!

Mister Dick smirks, now coming to his main subject.

MISTER DICK
Xavier Franklin Long, The XFL, or The X-F-FAIL, I never respected ya, never liked ya, never thought much of ya. But I knew you were a champion, now you ain't gotta belt and all I know is that you're damn bitch! Injure my eye? Send your main goon after me? Keep your eye open now, asshole, because I'm going in balls deep!

[Chanel #99]

*** Anderson Cup Semifinal: Heavy D & The Warthog w/ CAM & Sonic vs. Big IQ ***

On the final night of semifinal action in the 2016 Anderson Cup, Big IQ defeated Slaughterhouse's Heavy D and Warthog to advance to the Morrison Conference Finals. It was a hard fought bout that saw the normally reserved Carl McDonald Arby (CAM) get involved late tripping up Ice Quiz. A decision the Baron of Industry came to regret when Ice Quiz slid outside and decked him. 

RENEE
CAM just got cold clocked! 

COACH
*golf clap*

Ice Quiz popped his (imaginary) collar as SONIC (still on a high following his performance in the Lethal Bang) got in his grill. Words soon followed and then both men were wiped out by a Heavy D cannonball senton over the top rope!

RENEE & COACH
DAYUM~!

By now the ref had started the mandatory 10 count, a count interrupted numerous times due to Warthog and CW battling inside which forced the ref to keep looking over his shoulder and on the move to avoid a collision. It was during one of said moves that the ref missed Sonic throw a roundhouse that missed its intended target and instead struck Heavy D, knocking him straight back into the ring post! 

* THUNK * 

SONIC
 

Ice Quiz quickly hurled Heavy D towards Sonic in a spear-like fashion. When Sonic grabbed Heavy D in a front face lock to halt his momentum Ice Quiz delivered a big boot to Sonic that caused the youngest member of Slaughterhouse to take Heavy D down with a DDT! 

COACH
AAH!

Back in the ring CW backdropped Warthog over the top rope and took him out with a suicide dive as Ice Quiz tossed Heavy D back in and dropped a flying elbow to pickup the W.

Winners: Big IQ, via pinfall. 

RENEE
Moving on to the Morrison Conference Finals.... Big IQ!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Give it to me, give it to me!
As “Rising Up” plays a dress shirt and jeans clad Tyler Bryant approaches the ring with US title in hand and Lorelei DeCenzo and The Flex at his side.

COACH
Awww yes indeed! The Lethal Rumble winner arrives to HeldDOWN~!

RENEE
The field was wide open, but Tyler seized the day and now he has his date with destiny.

TYLER
What a time to be alive. What a time to be alive!

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!”

TYLER
Let's not do this today, huh. Let's not boo me. Why don't you come eight more than ninety two with me, and be one hundred. Keep it one hundred and tell the truth. I'm not the biggest rising star in the business. Oh no, I am the hottest star in the business! My name is made. Lorelei, your thoughts?

LORELEI
You are absolutely correct. You have been a star all your life, and now you are THE star.

TYLER
You kept it one hundred and I thank you. Buuuuut, its lonely on top, isn't it? Maybe if I choked at the last minute like Colin in the Lethal Rumble, I'd get a warmer reception.

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

RENEE
That's pretty big talk against a guy who was eating him alive!

TYLER
Or if I wasted everyone's time and stole a spot from a young gun just to get kicked out the rumble like Brannigan, you'd give my props.

“BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!”

TYLER
After all, let's face it, I'd have so many more fans if I was a lovable loser like Tanner, if I gave out nothing but compliments like Oscar, if I didn't have my money, fame and accomplishments.

Tyler pats his US title.

TYLER
I'd have all Oscar's fans if I played it safe and said the right things, and did things the right way.

LORELEI
But you deicided to be more than just  a solid hand. You decided to be the star of the show, the United States Champion and the AngleMania maineventer.

TYLER
I can't lose my success and my confidence. I can't be Jo-Jo Whoa and Brian Travis Kidd, I can't be Spencer Reiger, a loveable sidekick. They were my competition once upon time, but now they're left envious and hopeless. I think they're grumbling about my AngleMania mainevent, but I swear I can't hear them on the top of the pyramid.

“FUCK YOU TYLER! FUCK YOU TYLER! FUCK YOU TYLER!”

TYLER
The AngleMania mainevent, Lincoln Field, Philadelphia. Philly. What a dump. For one day, that dump gets transformed to El Dorado, because that's when Krista Isadora Duncan-

I stay out too late

Got nothing in my brain

That's what people say, mmm-mmm

That's what people say, mmm-mmm

 

I go on to many dates [chuckle]

But I can't make 'em stay

At least that's what people say, mmm-mmm

That's what people say, mmm-mmm

 

But I keep cruising

Can't stop, won't stop moving

It's like I got this music

In my mind

Singing, "It's gonna be alright."

 

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

I shake it off, I shake it off

Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break

And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake

Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

I shake it off, I shake it off

The fans mood shifts to one of glorious pleasure, as Krista Isadora Duncan breeze towards the ring with  her fairy god mother, Queen Esther merrily at her side like always.

RENEE
Uh-oh!

KRISTA
Hi-hi, honey! Did you need something?

TYLER
You seem awfully cheerful, considering who you're standing before.

QUEEN ESTHER
We spread good cheer and these tiny booklets entitled “STD Awareness” wherever we may roam.

THE FLEX
FLEX needs one!

QUEEN ESTHER
Ah! A golem! Amazing! I've not seen one of your kind in ages. Here you are.

TYLER
Great, lovely, so Krista why so happy?

KRISTA
Of course, I'm going to be cheerful, silly boy, you're Tyler! Its so good to see you! And I am so sorry about your glaucoma.

QUEEN ESTHER
Is this covered in the booklet?

KRISTA
Uh, no. I hope not.

TYLER
My glaucoma?

KRISTA
The sunglasses indoors?

LORELEI
He wears sunlgasses indoors because his future is so bright he needs shades.

KRISTA
See that's more of a symbolic brightness, thus shades won't be necessary. So I'll just take them off for you.

Ignoring the arrogance of Tyler, Krista takes his sunglasses off!

KRISTA
There we go. Honey, we've missed you around the manse so very much.

QUEEN ESTHER
But we are glad you have broken free of King Landon's tyranny!

LORELEI
Duly noted. Although your good cheer is meaningless to the future of entertainment.

TYLER
Its okay, Lorelei, just take it easy. Krista, let me ask you a question. Do you know we're fighting for the world title at AngleMania?

KRISTA
And I am incredibly excited for you!

QUEEN ESTHER
Hear hear!

TYLER
Excited for me? You are?  Hey, hey, do you realize what I've done to your family, specifically Jade just last year? Are you living in a tine warp?

KRISTA
Honey, look, Alix and I have beat each other up over everything from cocaine to vajazzle, I already have a nice Jewish wedding planned for you and Jade so don't worry about that. I just hope you marrying Jade won't make you feel guilty about thinking about me when you masturbate.

TYLER

QUEEN ESTHER
Who is Master Bates? I have not met him, have I?

KRISTA
Aww, we all know Tyler and Shayne have massive crushes on me.

TYLER
I only have a crush on that world title belt.

KRISTA
So you like me wearing gold. Leaves a bit to the imagination. I get it. Whatever erects your cock!

QUEEN ESTHER
Indeed, let us slaughter the roosters and have a feast!

LORELEI
He's not marrying Jade, and he's no longer in love with you. He's in love with the fame and the glory, the money and the power.

KRISTA
Ewww, Lorelei, I forgot to ask why are you hanging around these days. You look awful, you look like you'd kill me for a pair of ruby slippers.

LORELEI
I can not believe you just said that to me. After years of knowing me. Where's your respect?

KRISTA
Nevermind that. Where's Shayne?

TYLER
You are living in a time warp. I ditched Shayne last year to become Star67.

KRISTA
You ditched Shayne to block caller ID?

TYLER
….....

KRISTA
No, honey, really where is he? The leathery hooker and the odd black man don't have the same dynamic with you. Bring him back, please.

QUEEN ESTHER
The boy was always a little slow, but as far as half wits go he was one to cherish.

TYLER
No, I have to disagree with that. Half wit, no, full retard yes. What I'm trying to tell you is that I kicked Shayne to the curb to rot, so I could take off as the past, present, and future of the OAOAST, free of my helmet wearing, short bus riding, glue eating sidekick.

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

KRISTA
Ehhh, that was probably bad idea.

TYLER
I thought you'd give me congrats on my gumption. You always said I had to take life by the reigns and make things happen for me.

KRISTA
I did say that, to both you and Shayne. D*LUX was a major tag team. You two were alarmingly popular, and sold a lot of merchandise, and made a lot of money off that merchandise. After all people buy crap from people they like, which is what led WCW to release a cologne because they believed people liked them. Which they didn't. But given the boos you've gotten since we've been talking, I'm sensing no one likes you any more. So no one is buying your shit, so you're still on the same downside D*LUX contract with the same receipt of the gate, but minus the D*LUX merchandise, so by dumping Shayne you've lost a bunch of money and gained a worthless midcard title. If you had talked with me instead of that walking yeast infection I would have steered you in the right direction. But its not to late. You and I are going to be tag team partners!

LORELEI
Excuse me? That's not your decision to make.

KRISTA
No, it is, because I say it is, so it is, and I'm richer than you so my word is law. Tyler, I'm going to put you back on the money making and guilty masturbating path you were once on starting next week. See-ya then!

Krista gives Tyler a peck on the cheek and leaves him, Lorelei, Flex and even the crowd dumbfounded.

RENEE
Who expected these two to become tag team partners? But that's what we've got live next week!

QUEEN ESTHER
Hopefully Master Bates will make an apperance.

KRISTA
Oh, queenie, he sure will. HEHHEHEHEEHEHHAHAAHAHAHAABWHAHAHAAHAAH!

FADE OUT