OAOAST HeldDOWMN~! 1/24/016

[Chanel #99]

OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-
BROADCAST IN OAOAST HD AND 3D

 

RENEE
Ladies and gentlemen you are with Renee Young and the bald bomber himself, Da Coach for OAOAST HeldDOWN as we steamroll are way across the country towards AnglePalooza!

***24/7 Title: Nathaniel Black Vs Gory Dragan***
RENEE
If you blinked last week you might have missed the 24/7 title because Gory blew powder in Black's face and ran off in secons. I know the 24/7 title has been held by cowards, but that's crazy.

COACH
It takes a real man to know when he's been beat...before he's been beat.

Gory actually decided to stick around and wrestle, this time being put through a stretching sequence by Black. Even getting on the bad end of that, didn't make him run and he continued to fight against Brit.

RENEE
Alright, who replaced Gory with someone not totally cowardly and awful?

Despite his guts displayed, Gory wasn't exactly well off against Black. In fact it seemed like we were heading for a sqaush. That is until BIG PAPA THRUST came from out of the ring and clobbered Black in the back with a lead pipe, over and over, and over again!

“BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COACH
BPT coming through for his boy!

And the pinfall was academic as Gory secured victory thanks to Big Papa Thrust.

Winner:Gory Dragan, via pinfall

Post-match BPT raised Gory's hand in victory, to the fans' disgust.

RENEE
TMW: Revolution is over, but the terrible twosome of Big Papa Thrust and Gory Dragan live on!

Mathis Golden appeared in front of an OAOAST logo to address his attack on Mister Dick from NYS.

GOLDEN
I did hit Jock with a car, and I did drag him out and beat his ass. Fucking bitch! And if he ever goes after Xavier, I'll rip him limb from limb and feed those limbs to his dad while I fuck him in the ass without a rubber!!!

 

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, OAOAST correspondent Sara Jean Underwood spoke with Slaughterhouse's Heavy D and The Warthog at the world famous interview lounge, the Baron of Industry, CAM, lurking creepily in the background twirling his cane. They hyped their next Anderson Cup match in 2 weeks against Big IQ, with Warthog saying they'll bring bibs because the plan is to feast on...

WARTHOG
(singing)
Ice Quiz baby back, Ice Quiz baby back ribs!

When the subject turned to Hood Again wanting some of them, Heavy D called the guys fools and said they put on the tough guy act knowing he and Warthog are in the Anderson Cup. 

HEAVY D
We can't risk breaking a hand shoving our fists down their throats. 

WARTHOG
Or tweaking an ankle shoving our boots up their ass! 

HEAVY D
Although maybe that's why Marcellus is telling his nephews to keep calling us out. What'd happen if Moses and Kawhi got in the ring with us would bring back all those warm and fuzzy memories of his time in the joint. 

WARTHOG
Tickle the prostate? 

Suddenly a commotion is heard in the background as HOOD AGAIN approach the interview lounge swamped by OAOAST officials. 

MOSES
Look at you actin' all hard. Only part of you that's hard is your gut because of all that shit you eat. But since none of us have anything going on tonight and you don't have another Anderson Cup match for a couple more weeks, let's see who's really bad. 

CAM calms his men until fellow Slaughterhouse member SONIC rushes in and shoves Hood Again, prompting security to tighten. 

SONIC
You want to fight? Let's fight! I'm ready. Heavy D and Warthog, they're always ready. We'd crush you like leafs in winter. 

UNCLE MOE
Man, you're on your back more than a $5 ho. Don't step to us or you'll get sent back to mama black and blue. 

Heavy D and Warthog shove Sonic away and tell Hood Again they don't have time for kids games before exiting.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

BZZZZZZT *

OMG~!

Last week, during HD

We're inside Gretchen Wright's dressing room which is more like a classical changing room of a princess. In it is a furious Gretchen Wright on hand with Logan Mann.

GRETCHEN
I ask that you leave at once!

LOGAN
My song needs to be heard by the world.

GRETCHEN
I am the only other person in this room.

LOGAN
You are my world, sweet girl. You are the reason the truth must come to the forefront so that the new slaves can see their princess has come to rescue them!

GRETCHEN
Whatever drivel you are attempting to spew is perhaps the most nonsensical drivel ever unearthed in the history of the world. Truly, you have set new lows for buffoonery and codswallop on this day. But, if it gets you to leave faster you may sing your song.

LOGAN
(singing)
Ohhhhhhh the winds opened up to the ways of days gone bye! Days where my asshole was unlicked, days when I wanted to diiiieeeeeeee. Times when I asked Mariachi, and he said ask Gary Gaetti!

GRETCHEN
Who?

LOGAN
He played for the Cardinals.

GRETCHEN
He was a bird?

LOGAN
Baseball team.

GRETCHEN
Is your song finished?

LOGAN
There's more.
(singing)
But then Gretchen came and she sucked my asshole, my asssshoollleeee, my assssshoolllllle, my asssssshollllllle! Ooooooooohhh, suck my asssssholllllle, Gretchen Wright!

Logan turns around and LOWERS HIS PANTS for Gretchen to suck his asshole.

GRETCHEN
If you believe that I would perform any sexual act on you, when you are currently bound by vows made under god's eyes to that redheaded devil, you truly are the type of baseborn that makes me yearn for a eugenics perform. Get out!

LOGAN
(singing)
My assssholllle!

GRETCHEN
Get out!

LOGAN
(singing)
My assssholllle!

GRETCHEN
Get out!

LOGAN
(singing)
My assssholllle!

GRETCHEN
Get out!

LOGAN
(singing)
My assssholllle!

Gretchen has heard enough and starts slashing at Logan with her fingers, doing enough damage to scratch him up and chase him out of the room!

* BZZZZZZT *

OMG~!

[Chanel #99]

*** Anderson Cup, 1st Round: The Union Jets vs. The Playmakers w/ Rick Heyross ***

Making their OAOAST debuts were Englishmen C-4 and Tom Smith, a couple of handsome blokes wearing flight suits/sunglasses who currently compete for the BUSTLE promotion in Japan. 

Oh, and they came out to "Danger Zone." Yeah!

RENEE
Considered one of the best tag teams in the world, the Union Jets are two-time BUSTLE tag team champions. Both are also former Jr. Heavyweight champions, having defeated each other multiple teams in a friendly rivalry that produced a series of exciting bouts. Their chemistry in the ring obvious, they decided to move up to the heavyweight division together as a tag team, taking up the name Union Jets as a nod to their U.K. roots and aerial prowess, particularly in the case of C-4. 

COACH
They may be one of the best tag teams in the world, but they're going up against the galaxy's greatest tag team in Charlie Moss and Quentin Benjamin. 

In a thrilling contest that went down to the final minute (all AC bouts have 15 minute time limits), all 4 competitors found themselves fighting in the ring until Smith clotheslined Benjamin over the top to the floor. Smith then planted Moss with his signature running powerslam that was followed up by C-4's CONCUSSION GRENADE flying headbutt. As the ref escorted Smith back to his corner, that's when Benjamin flew off the top to hit the legdrop on an unsuspecting C-4 who had Moss covered. Benjamin then placed his partner on top and blocked Smith from trying to breakup the pin.

Winners: The Playmakers, via pinfall. 

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Standing on the Steve Wilkos stage dressed much more conservative then usual is Krista Isadora Duncan.

WILKOS
My first guest is Krista. Krista, why are you here?

KRISTA
Steve, I'm here to get justice for children!

The audience gives a hearty round of applause.

WILKOS
That's very noble of you. Why don't you tell me what's going on?

KRISTA
Steve, seven Asian boys, little Asian boys came to me and told me Xavier has molested them.

“OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!”

WILKOS
What exactly did these children tell you?

KRISTA
They told me Xavier made them dance in their underwear while he played with his nipples, and then he made them kiss each other, then he did butt stuff with them and then he sucked his own (bleep) and made them watch and (bleep) and then (bleep) and work over his (bleep) then he did butt stuff with himself.

“EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!”

WILKOS
You know you think I'd have heard it all, 12 years as cop, over a thousand shows, but this the sickest story I have ever heard. If what you say is true, and I have no reason to believe you would lie, I'm gonna to say I've scraped pieces of (beep) off my shoe better than The XFL!

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

WILKOS
What I want to know is why isn't this guy in jail?

KRISTA
That's where I want him, Steve.

WILKOS
Hopefully after this show, some little Asian boys will get justice.

More hearty applause from the audience.

WILKOS
Let's meet this XFL.

Out comes Xavier from backstage, clad in in a suit minus the tie. The audience shoots to their feet and unleashes a rocking wave of anger and disgust upon him.

THE XFL
Whoa, whoa, I ain't done this (beep)

WILKOS
You will not curse on my stage.

The XFL goes to sit down, only to have the chair kicked away from him.

WILKOS
Do not even think of sitting on my stage.

THE XFL
Why the hell can't I?

WILKOS
If you made some little Asian boys uncomfortable, I don't want you to be comfortable.

“YYYYYEAAAAAAAAA!”

THE XFL
Krista made it all up! 

WILKOS
Why would she do that?

THE XFL
That's what she does! She ruins people's life. One time she slept her wife's mother because they were feuding over a bet, one time she dyked out her arch nemesis best friend just for fun, another time she told her own brother their dad was dead then superkicked him to win a match, another time she shaved a dude's fro after she already beat the (beep) out of him, she stole a king's queen and appointed her her fairy god mother, one time she seduced a dude's niece then when he complained she broke a mirror over his head, one time she put poison ivy extract in this big dude's baby oil, one time she introduced this Brazilian dude to his idol Bon Jovi just so she could distract him and hit him with a field hockey stick, one time she had a bunch of gangbangers pull a gun on a dude to win a match.  This is what she does!

WILKOS
But why you?

THE XFL
Why not me? I'm human and she tortures humans!

KRISTA
You know I would never make this up. I have kids of my own, their grown, but even as grown women, you'd think I'd sodomize the eldest one against her will, or force the youngest one to perform oral sex on me?

THE XFL
Yes! Those are things you done!

WILKOS
Did you molest little Asian boys?

THE XFL
NO! I ain't done no nasty things to no kids!

WILKOS
Then you quit clowning around about it! This woman is a hero, this woman is protecting kids!

“YYYYYEEAAAAAAAA!”

KRISTA

THE XFL
This is some bull (beep)! I'm leaving!

WILKOS
You're gonna run like a coward? Like a bitch?! You think you can get away with molesting little Asian boys on my show?

THE XFL
If I was molesting little Asian boys all at once, why didn't they overthrow me? Why didn't they say, yo, there's a bunch of us lets use kung-funaki on this bitch and bust him up and take his wealth at that? Why didn't they? Why ain't I being served as the meat in some General Tso's chicken?!

WILKOS
I'm the one asking the questions! I'm Steve Wilkos and I'm telling you how it is!

Another thunderous applause for the host.

WILKOS
Let's get to the lie detector test.
(reading the papers)
XFL, you were asked have you had sexual contact with little Asian boys. And you said no. And the results are....inconclusive due to the usage of marijuana affecting the test.

THE XFL
Yo, what?

WILKOS
Don't say what like you don't know what you did, you scumbag? You smoked weed because you wanted to beat the test.

THE XFL
Naw, my dude Matty Gold is up here with me, and you know how we do, we puff-puff-pass. But don't tell anyone that, I do camps for kids.

WILKOS
You smoked weed because you wanted to beat the test. We asked you before you came on the show do you smoke pot? You said no. We said smoking pot will affect the test results. You said you understood. You smoked pot anyway because you wanted to beat the test because you didn't want the truth to come out.

THE XFL
The truth is-

WILKOS
The truth is you rape little Asian boys! You're (beep)ing up kids' life, you lying, pot smoking, drug abusing mother(beep)

“YYYYYYEAAAAAAAA!”

KRISTA
Can I throw a chair? I really wanna throw a chair.

WILKOS
You can throw whatever you want, young lady.

THE XFL
young lady? She's forty eight years old!

Krista hurls a chair across the stage...

And smashes The XFL in the face, knocking him over and knocking him out. Not only knocking him but bloodying his face!

“YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAA!”

WILKOS
Get this piece of (beep) the (beep) off my stage!

“YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Wilkos turns to Krista who stands proudly at the chaos she caused.

WILKOS
You are the good one here. You saw kids were being abused and you did something about it. You are one of the good ones.

KRISTA
Steve, I prepared a song to raise awareness, and I brought a guest to help me with it.

WILKOS
The stage is yours.

KRISTA
Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Jon Mayer.

Yes that Jon Mayer comes out next to Krista.

MAYER
Hello.

KRISTA
We're going to do this accapella. On three, one two, three...

MAYER
(singing)
Boyz II Men, Boyz II Men
Boyz II Men, Boyz II Men

KRISTA
(singing)
Motownphilly's back again

MAYER
(singing)
Da-da-da

KRISTA
(swinging)
Doin' a little east coast swing

MAYER
(singing)
Da-da-da

KRISTA
(singing)
Boyz II Men going off

MAYER
(singing)
Da-da-da

KRISTA
(singing)
Not too hard, not too soft

KRISTA
(singing)
Boyz II Men, A be see, be be D
The east coast famillllyyyyyyyy

JAZZ HANDS FROM KRISTA and MAYER~!

WILKOS
(crying)
That was beautiful. Thank you for being on the show.

Wilkos shakes hands with John Mayer and Krista as the show fades out.

[Chanel #99]

*** Spencer Reiger w/ Gloss, Blaine & Samantha Cayley vs. Keyboard Warrior Nematode ***

Spencer released some pent up frustration, taking out Nematode with the Reiger Counter. 

Winner: Spencer Reiger, via pinfall. 

After the match Renee interviewed the gang ringside. Spencer and Blaine made it known to Melissa's goon Al Houd and Phecda that they're ready for them whenever and wherever, while Sammi note that even though she doesn't know Melissa personally "she seems like a bitch." Gloss almost laughed out loud over that one. Melissa certainly wasn't laughing wherever she was when Gloss promised to play a cover version of "Bang Your Head." 

RENEE
I didn't know you could sing.

GLOSS
Oh, I can't. I meant I'm gonna bang Melissa's head literally.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Its spooky times this January, as the basement of the Maguire safehouse hosts a series of candles and in a hexagram, along with Ivar The Cunning, Angel Maguire, her daughter Cassidy,

AMBER O'SHAEA

and

??????

IVAR
Tell me again why are we doing a blood oath?

CASSIDY
Do I have to explain everything to your idiots? I need all our combined blood and whatever magical energy there is between all of us to create enough choice to cast a special cloaking spell over Leon's Compound. I'll turn them all invisible and inaudible to each other but not to us. Then I can rescue Colin. Again. Because he's the biggest idiot of all of you.

ANGEL
Cassidy you should introduce us to your friend.

CASSIDY
She is not my friend, she is my proxy. I have bestowed upon her my spirit so that if I die, my thoughts and feelings will carry on with her. She's very lucky that way.

ANGEL
But, you need to tell us her name. Its only proper.

CASSIDY
She needs a name? Cassidy #2. That's her name.

IVAR
Clever.

CASSIDY
No one asked you if it was clever.

CASSIDY #2
You're a terrible mother, Angel.

IVAR
A chip off the old block already.

CASSIDY
Can I start or are you going to waste my time with more questions and comments I don't need to hear?

AMBER
Just start, Cassidy.

CASSIDY
(reading off a sheet of paper)
Oh Allah his most mighty-

AMBER
Where did you find this blood oath?

CASSIDY
Oh I don't know, Amber, how about the internet?

ANGEL
Please continue.

CASSIDY
We come to you as slaves in body, mind and soul-

CASSIDY #2
What does that mean?

CASSIDY
I don't know number two, I'm too busy trying to save my idiot brother to care.

AMBER
What about STDs? If we're mixing blood together we should worry about that.

CASSIDY
You only get STDs from drinking the water in Mexico.

ANGEL
STD stands for sexually transmitted disease. You get it by having sex.

CASSIDY
Does it look like we're about to have sex, mother?!

CASSIDY #2
I think I might have HPV.

CASSIDY
What?! When we're you in Mexico?

CASSIDY #2
Its no big deal. I said might.

CASSIDY
Its ruined, the whole thing is ruined! We're going in the old fashioned way.

IVAR
As I suggested all along. I'll make preparations.

CASSIDY
Then go do it! Shoo-shoo-shoo!

Even thousand year old vampire Ivar can be bossed around by Cassidy and he hauls ass out the door.

[Chanel #99]

Backstage in the state of the art interview set, Josh Matthews was on hand with Madison Nerdly who announced she would be competing in the Lethal Bang! This brought scorn and derision from a  nearby Morgan.

MORGAN
You can't be serious. You're even less likely to win than Gretchen.

MADISON
Its not about winning, Morgan. Its about you.

MORGAN
Me.

MADISON
You underestimate your eldest sister in everything, even my sexuality.

MORGAN
I enjoyed our romps in various sex clubs, motel rooms, and rental cars, but I had to resort to blackmail and kidnapping to get you to do anything. If you're not the first one eliminated, I'll...hmmmm....what will I do. I'll eat shit! Hhahahaa. Yeah, that's what I'll do I'll eat shit. You in the Lethal Rumble? Please, that's hilarious!

Morgan walked off, having a good laugh with her sister madder than ever.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

***Anderson Cup, Jannetty Conference: MGHFC W/Remy Bazil and Deirdre Vs Cobra Strike W/Melody Nerdly***

REMY
Mes amis, and mes cheres, do we have a surprise pour vous! Put your hands together for our good friend, Pete-O!

::Cue:: Ice Cream Music!

RENEE
Oh hell no!

Pete-O arrived scoping out DA GIRLZ in attendance, then made his way to ringside with Remy Bazil.

LUCIUS
Ain't no one told me this turkey would be with us tonight.

RICO
Turkey? He's one of the mangs, mang. Where you been?

LUCIUS
Away from him, that's for damn sho. Whatever it is, lets just do this.

Soul started the match against Baron, which you'd think would be a mismatch towards Baron's favor. However, Soul impressed working through a lockup, then showing some flashy arm drags and hip tosses. Melody was impressed, and Lucius was certainly impressed with how Melody looked tonight.

LUCIUS
Stop drop kaboom baby rub on your nipples!

MELODY
You're so silly!

DEIRDRE
Stay focused.

PETE-O
Who can focus with so many wonderful people in the stands? So many young wonderful people in those tight OAOAST Hottie tops!

DEIRDRE
Yuck, keep away from me!

But that took Lucius view off the match and he got rocked by a Texas Sized Right Hand!

“OOOOOHHHHHHHH!”

RICO
Eh, mang, what's going on?

A tag was made with Ned, who came hard after Lucius. Hitting with might, it seemed Blanchard would go after Soul with crushing blows. But then Soul hit a back handed slap!

“OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”

COACH
Bam! Ho2Sleep!

Soul took over against Ned, using a hurricanrana then a vertical suplex to earn a two count. He then came off the top rope with a moonsault that also got a two count.

MELODY
Wow! He doesn't even have a moonsault in OAOAST 2k16!

RENEE
I think this is the best Lucius Soul has ever looked, Coach.

COACH
Homebody is showing out tonight. That's what the Anderson Cup does for you.

RENEE
I think that's what Melody does to Lucius.

Lucius tagged out to Rico, who swaggered into the ring thinking he'd have easy pickings of Ned. But Blanchard instantly caught him with a crowd popping Newport Harbor enziguri! Luckily Remy and Pete were there to roll Rico out of the ring before he could be pinned.

DIERDRE
You should leave him out here at this rate. Pull your shit together, Rico!

As Rico was fanned by Remt and Pete we went to commercial break...

COMMERCIAL

Back from break, Rico was trading punches with Baron. Baron seemed to get the upperhand and then shot Rico into the ropes. But the South American star responded with a deadly running uppercut!

“OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”

RENEE
Hand of God!

The cover was made....

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

A kickout!

“LET'S GO BARON! LET'S GO BARON! LET'S GO BARON!” the fans sung.

Rico gave the tag to Soul, and the two were supposed to do a double team, but Soul again got distracted by Melody beautiful bouncing breasts!

LUCIUS
You got them bombs, and you know it!

MELODY
Hhehehe, you're sweet!

Baron took advantage and lariated Rico out of the ring, but Soul came back to earth in time to hit a bicycle kick! After executing a swinging DDT on Baron, followed by a standing leg drop for two, Soul switched places with Rico.

RENEE
A lot of quick tags by the Hellfire Club, who are looking to win their first Anderson Cup after many appearances.

Rico worked over Baron's neck, then asked the trademark query that infuriated the fans...

RICO
Who wants a mustache ride?!

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOO!”

Well no one wanted a mustache ride, least of all Baron who gave Rico a back body drop off his standing head sicssors! Baron then crawled to his corner and made the tag with Ned! Rico by the same token reached his end and tagged Soul.

RENEE
This is exciting!

The two men gave each other hell, with Ned pushing Soul into the corner and stomping a mudhole in him! Rico came along with a clubbing forearm to the back of the head, then threw Ned out of the ring. But then Baron responded by battering Rico. De Janeiro decided he didn't want any of this and tried to escape, but Baron put him in a front facelock and hit the Brigham Young Cocktail DDT!

“YYYYYEEEEAAAAAA!”

Soul caught Baron with a superkick that knocked him out of the ring, but Ned loomed on the apron. This led Pete to grab hold of his foot.

MELODY
Xbots attack!

Melody tackled Pete, and with her breasts heaving to and fro, Soul was roundly distracted. That led to him taking the loss thanks to a Newport Harbor Enziguri!

Winner: Cobra Strike, via pinfall

RENEE
Book another semifinal match, this one is Cobra Strike against The American Idols. But, looks like Southern Immorality isn't happy, and we've got major drama!

Inside the ring, the gang has all gathered around Lucius, as an argument is ongoing.

DEIRDRE
All of you! All of you are awful at your jobs!

RICO
It wasn't my fault, chica. I did my best, eh.

REMY
Chere, I wasn't actually wrestling. I was just the uh moral support.

DEIRDRE
All of you are losers!

PETE
Stop! It was his fault!

SOUL
Who you talking about, fool?

PETE
You, Lucius Soul, it was your fault! This loss is all your fault.

SOUL
White boy you better never fix your lips to say that about me again.

Soul positions himself directly in Pete's face which gets a pop from the sold out audience.

SOUL
What you gotta say now?

PETE

But Pete is saved from perhaps an unlikely source as Rico clobbers Lucius in the head with a forearm!

CROWD

RENEE
HEY!

Shocked for the moment is Remy, who can't believe he witnesses Rico stomping away at Lucius. But when Pete and Deirdre join in on the attack, Remy realizes the strength lies in numbers and starts kicking away at Lucius!

“BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOO!”

RENEE
I'm with the Galaxy! That's supposed to be your friend and you're beating the crap out of him?

Melody, who stuck around, frantically waves towards the back for help.

RENEE
She's calling for Cobra Strike to come back.

But its not Cobra Strike making the save, rather its a chair wielding JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN!

RENEE
Jade is here!

COACH
Jade is here?!

Pete sees Jade first and gets the hell out of dodge, and waddles his ass backstage. That leaves Remy to get whacked by the chair, while Deirdre makes the next escape! Rico is then smashed directly in the face, causing blood to gush out his nose!

“YYYYYYEEEAAAAAAAA!”

COACH
She could have broke Rico's nose!

With Southern Immorality vanquished, Jade calls Melody in to attend to Lucius. Together they raise him, and embrace him with hugs and kisses!

“YYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

RENEE
I don't exactly know what's going on, but I think I like it!

COACH
That's cause you ain't the one with the broken nose like Rico.

[Chanel #99]

Atop the intervie stage we have Tony Btrannigan,

BRANNIGAN
Please welcome....Silver!

And our people talk to me, but nothing ever hits,
So people talk to me, and all the voices just burn holes.
I’m going in (ooh)

This is the start of how it all ever ends
They used to shout my name, now they whisper it
I’m speeding up and this is the
Red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart
We rip the start, the colors disappear
I never watch the stars there’s so much down here
So I just try to keep up with them
Red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart

“BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOO!”

Silver enters with his big white hair and even bigger smile.

BRANNIGAN
Silver, now is the time for answers.

SILVER
Just ask the questions. I'd be happy to answer.

BRANNIGAN
The rest of The Menagerie is waging war against Colin and Cassidy Maguire but here you are off harassing Alix Maria Spezia. You cost her the world heavyweight title at New Years Spectacular, and you've yet to explain yourself. I think we deserve some answers!

SILVER
You talk pretty big for an old man.

BRANNIGAN

SILVER
But, you're right you do deserve some answers. So here they are. Alix, winning the world title would be unpalatable to my greater goal of spreading hope through the world.

BRANNIGAN
What does that mean?

SILVER
When has Alix faced adversity lately? She's rolled through any and everyone without a care in the world. How can the brightness of great hope shine through when there's never despair to challenge it? It can't because it just lies dormant and wastes away until it becomes corroded with despair. If Alix continues to coast through life with no challenges the greatest hope will never be born and very single one of us, even Alix is doomed.

BRANNIGAN
You act like you're doing this for the greater good.

SILVER
I am! After years of searching, I found out that Alix is the greatest hope humanity has. If I have to sacrifice my worthless life for her to reach her potential then I'll gladly do that, Tony. In fact I hope Alix eliminates me from The Lethal Rumble at at Anglepalooza. If I eliminated her, it would be a travesty. In the end when Alix beats a useless person like she'll overcome despair and her hope will shine brightest of all!

Silver is full of a creepy brilliance and smiles, but the fans feel no joy and attack him with jeers.

[Chanel #99]

OFFICE BURGER
Los Angeles, CA

Archie Stumplebottom is out having a family dinner with his mother, father and his ten year old sister. All are having a good time with Archie the focus of the event.

MISTER STUMPLEBOTTOM
Here here to Archibald! A celebration for your latest stock victory.

ARCHIE
Father, please, you will embarrass me.

MRS STUMPLEBOTTOM
Now Archie, no. When the market goes down, you continue to go up. You are amazing.

SISTER
You're still a nerd!

All share a laugh.

ARCHIE
Family, excuse me, I must use the facilities.

Archie takes his leave from the table and goes into the rest room, entering the stall and having a seat.

MALE VOICE?
Have you come to confess your sins?

ARCHIE
Excuse me? Who's there?

MALE VOICE?
I am the priest taking confession.

ARCHIE
Are you in the next stall over?!

MALE VOICE?
Tell me your sins.

ARCHIE
What is this? I will be calling security and if you work here, expect a poor review on yelp.

MALE VOICE?
Archie, what are your sins?

ARCHIE
What kind of prank is this?

MALE VOICE?
Have you ignored your mistress?

ARCHIE
Malaysia?!

MALE VOICE?!
Have you forgotten to douche?

ARCHIE
Men don't do that!

MALE VOICE?!
You are a little girl now.

ARCHIE
I am a man!

MALE VOICE?!
You are what your Mistress likes you to be, and she likes you to be a little girl. A pretty little girl named Esmerelda.

ARCHIE
I'm leaving!

Archie hauls ass out of the stall, only to be confronted by Malaysia dressed as a priest!

MALAYSIA
There you are, Esermelda. Come give me some sugar.

ARCHIE
Leave me alone!

MALAYSIA
I want a kiss.

ARCHIE
My family is waiting for me. Please, I beg you, leave me.

MALAYSIA
Give me a kiss and I'll let you go.

ARCHIE
Ok, ok. One kiss? Yes, one kiss.

Archie pecks Malaysia on the lips as fast as humanly possibly.

ARCHIE
Can I go now?

MALAYSIA
A deal is a deal, Esmerelda. I'll be seeing you later.

Archie gets out of that bathroom just as fast as he can.

MALAYSIA
I have a lot of work to do with that girl.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

*** U.S. Title: Oscar Friberg w/ BTK vs. Tyler Bryant © w/ THE FLEX & Lorelei DeCenzo ***

In a rematch from the 2016 OAOAST New Year's Spectacular, Oscar Friberg looked to regain the United States Championship, bringing along fellow Team SCREAM member BTK to watch his back this go around. Not that it mattered to Tyler Bryant, who remained cool as a cucumber, draping his U.S. Title over the shoulder of his bodyguard Flex for safe keeping. 

RENEE
I applaud the OAOAST's decision to grant Oscar Friberg a waiver allowing him to have someone ringside for this match. We saw how big a role Lorelei and Flex played at the NYS. If not for them Oscar might still be the champion today. 

COACH
Backup, girlfriend. Lori and Flex didn't physically interfere at the NYS. 

RENEE
Not for a lack of trying!

COACH
Hey, let's not forget Oscar's the one who got physical. First he took out Flex and then Lori!

RENEE
Only after Tyler purposefully shoved Oscar into Lorelei. I'm sure the money that came along with the gold eased her pain. Although Tyler Bryant was feeling the pain last week after being informed he'd have to defend the United States Championship against Oscar Friberg.

The match itself was PPV quality, going almost 18 minutes. Late in the bout Tyler got caught with the Crowbar (Fujiwara armbar) and seemed to be on the verge of submitting when Flex pulls Oscar away!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

OSCAR
 

COACH
Look at that! Oscar tried to take Flex out again just like he did at the NYS! 

RENEE
Give me a break! This time Flex has succeeded at getting physically involved. 

COACH
Of course he did. How else was he supposed to avoid that baseball slide from Oscar if he didn't use his hands?

Flex denied any wrongdoing when questioned by the ref, but the OAOAST Galaxy knew he was guilty as sin. So it was no surprised they cheered wildly when BTK dived through the ring post to deck Flex with a flying forearm smash!

RENEE
To borrow your catchphrase Coach: DAYUM~! 

BTK continued to hammer Flex, while inside Tyler caught Oscar with a Yakuza kick for a nearfall. Back outside Lorelei raked BTK's eyes to free Flex from his clutches. Inside Tyler looked to hit his 0-100 TKO but his arm, damaged earlier by the Crowbar, had little strength to hold Oscar's weight so Oscar floated over and took Tyler down with an O'Conner Roll.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-- NO, KICKOUT!

Oscar's momentum shoots him off the ropes where Flex blasts him with the U.S. Title! Oscar stumbles forward right into a running neckbreaker for the 1-2-3.

Winner: Tyler Bryant, via pinfall. 

FADE OUT