OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 12/15/2015

[Chanel #99]

OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES-
-TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK-
-THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT-
BROADCAST IN OAOAST HD AND 3D

Renee and Coach are positioned in front of a Christmas tree!

RENEE
We hope you're in the Holiday spirit, because extreme seasons beatings are on tap tonight. I'm Renee Young with the naughty Coach, who's offered to place a lot more than coal in my stocking.

COACH
Hell yeah, baby girl

***Madison Nerdly Vs Kiki Kicks***

RENEE
This is interesting, Coach, Madison in the ring for the second week in a row.

COACH
It seems stupid to me. She's a therapist not a wrestler. And this chick she's fighting has done numerous MMA fights.

Madison has a microphone and approaches Kiki.

MADISON
Kiki, I want to thank you for taking this match with me, and allowing me to prove I'm more than just brains, I'm also brawn.

COACH
Ha!

Madison extended her hand to Kiki...and got it kicked!

MADISON

COACH
Ha! Ha!

RENEE
Two has?  Is that necessary?

Kiki proceeded to kick Madison around the ring, but Madison didn't wilt. In fact she came back with kicks on her own.

COACH
Madison ain't gonna be able to beat an MMA fighter in a straight fight, and she can't wrestle so she got no hope.

Madison narrowly ducked a left high kick, then nearly got caught in an arm bar but somehow managed to escape that.

RENEE
Hey, don't count Maddy out. She has something to prove to us and to be honest I think she's trying to prove her toughness to Morgan.

Kiki kept coming at Madison and pounded her with blows, until she whipped her into the ropes. Madison came back with a crossbody that was turned into a pin...but Madison reversed into a pin of her own and got the win!

Winner: Madison Nerdly, via pinfall

Post-match, Madison still tried to shake hands with her opponent. This got her caught into a lethal arm bar that she had no escape from!

RENEE
Let her go!

Help arrived in the form of Morgan Nerdly, who slid into the ring, cackling with electricity. Kiki tried to make a hasty retreat but still got shocked from Morgan's bolts!

KIKI
AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kiki rolls out of the ring, suffering excruciating pain and leaving Morgan to stare daggers at her. But her daggers are averted to the sister who spins her around.

MADISON
You didn't have to do that.

MORGAN
Okay. Next time I'll let your arm get broken. Cool.

Morgan stomps away, with Madison clutching her arm and shaking her head over this awful situation.

RENEE
A terrible silbing rivalry is developing between these two.

COACH
I don't think as the oldest, Madison, likes to be shown up by the baby, Morgan.

 

[Chanel #99]

The lavish and well stocked with food and alcohol Duncan Family dressing room is our scene and Jade walks in to speak with Krista who's sipping on a martini.

JADE
Mom, I need a favor, por favor.

KRISTA
Don't speak that dirty third world language to me.

JADE
That third world language is the first language of your father in law!

KRISTA
I'll have you know I plan on having the Aryan Nation kill him in the prison gym.

JADE
What will that solve?

KRISTA
….I'm not actually sure. So, you needed a favor. Is it of the anal variety?

JADE
Not this time. Its actually limiting the anal options and other options of our dear sweet Maya.

KRISTA
Darling, you are so right. I told that girl she needs to settle on one solid brand of strap on.

JADE
No, no, nothing like that. I need you to tell Maya she can't hang out with Annagret and Bobbi anymore.

KRISTA
You want me to tell an eighteen year old bisexual she can't associate with her equally horny bisexual friends? Would you like me to tell Vince McMahon he can't buy Columbian pure anymore.

JADE
You made a wrestling reference.

KRISTA
It is time for me to die. But before I go, why don't you try making some more friends of your own. Besides Melody, who only communicates with poop emojis. What about Lucius Soul, he has an eye for you.

JADE
Nothing can ever replace the love of my sister. And I'm the only one who should have that love! These skinny hoes can't do her like I can!

KRISTA
That's the kind of dirty talk that makes me wish you were lusting after me. And seeing that Maya and I are lot a like, I think that you know to do.

JADE
I sure do.

KRISTA
For once, I feel like a competent mother.

TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT
SHAYNE BRAVE VS THE XAVIER FRANKLIN LONG
TONIGHT!

[Chanel #99]

Backstage in the Pretty Young Money dressing room is OAOAST correspondent Sara Jean Underwood with an exuberant MELISSA NERDLY. 

MELISSA
Howdy!

SARA JEAN
My, aren't we excited this evening. And every evening since November Reign, I might imagine.

MELISSA
Aren't you one smart cookie! How'd you guess? 

SARA JEAN
Gloss nearly got staked on live television!

MELISSA
What?! No! You kidding me? I thought you was gonna say because I was a co-sole survivor at November Reign. 

SARA JEAN
Are you kidding me, now? You mean to say you didn't know two of your group's members, Phecda and Al Houd, attacked Spencer Reiger, Gloss, Blaine Cayley and nearly his sister Samantha if not for the heroics of Tanner Neptune? 

MELISSA
Gosh, no. After such an exhausting Survival match I retreated back to my tour bus for some much needed R & R. 

SARA JEAN
Surely you had to have seen or heard about what happened? It's been almost 2 weeks!

MELISSA
Nope. TV and Internet got cast aside for R & R. All this gal needed was her guitar and Jesus!

SARA JEAN
Well, then what's your reaction to everything's that gone down?

MELISSA
What the world needs is love! True love!

Melissa exited as we cut to the ring for our next match.

*** Tanner Neptune vs. Marc Bennett ***

Total showcase for Team SCREAM's Tanner who picked up the W with his Too Tan To Fail belly-to-belly facebuster.

Winner: Tanner Neptune, via pinfall.

After the match Pretty Young Money's Phecda and Al Houd circled the ring like buzzards, waiting for just the right time to swoop in and pick Tanner clean.

COACH
Looks like Tanner's the one about to take a trip to Neptune! 

RENEE
We all knew it was only a matter of time before Melissa Nerdly sicced her goons on Tanner. There was absolutely no way she was gonna let what Tanner did at November Reign slide. 

COACH
Why you gotta dog Melissa like that? 

RENEE
Because deep beneath that down home country girl exterior is one vindictive bitch!

COACH
 

Tanner readies for a fight as Phecda and Houd climb onto the apron, then the OAOAST Galaxy roars as JO-JO WHOA joins his fellow Team SCREAM'er in the ring. With the odds even Phecda and Houd decide to back off for now.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

On the interview stage, OAOAST Legend and Hall of Famer, Tony Brannigan is with Sabrina “The Teenage Bitch” Oakheart dressed in cute Chirstmas red and green.

BRANNIGAN
Sabrina, can you touch on your brush with Sugar at November Reign?

SABRINA
No!

BRANNIGAN
No? But, the interview....

SABRINA
You're just a nasty troll faced old man trying to use nasty troll face tricks on me.

BRANNIGAN
I have a handsome face....don't I?

SABRINA
No, you don't! You're definitely the type to play a military guy who dies in five minutes in a disaster movie.

BRANNIGAN

SABRINA
I'm swwwworrry.

“AAAAAWWWWWWW!”

BRANNIGAN
I forgive you. But, please talk about Sugar. She's been trashing you on Twitter and Myspace.

SABRINA
What's a Myspace?

BRANNIGAN
I guess Kentucky is behind the times.

SABRINA
I beat Sugar's ass hardcore at November Reign, and I'll do it again, and I'll do it again, and I'll do it again! She had the nerve to call me a punk, and a child. But tell ya what, I'd rather be a punk and a child then be a piece of stinking pig shit like her! If she was an ant she wouldn't even be worth torturing  by yanking her legs off, I'd just stomp her to death right off the bat. But she's actually worse than an ant, because she's a just a nasty filthy piece of pig shit, and the next name she calls me will be the last name she calls me!

Sabrina puts on a sweet smile after such vulgar and cruel words.

“AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!”

SARBINA
Have a great Christmas, guys!

“AAAAWWWWWWWWW!”

RENEE
She's such a sweetie!

[Chanel #99]

LEON'S COMPOUND
LOCATION UNKNOWN

In a continuation from last week the stare down with fireballs of malice rolling through the air between Colin Maguire Junior, in a prison cell and Leon Rodez, outside the cell, continues.

COLIN
You.

LEON
When I was a boy I loved my brother Dario deeply.

COLIN
Where is my son?

LEON
I thought no one was greater than my big brother.

COLIN
Where is my son?

LEON
Then he was pulled away from me. Pulled away by a downpour in the LA night, the first rain fall in three weeks they said. And it killed my brother. That and the tree he shattered his skull against.

COLIN
Where is my son?!

LEON
I want you to experience the same sinking, endless feeling of despair that has clung to my soul like a perverse cancer. What I want is for you to have to spend your immortal life knowing the person you loved most was taken from you and you were powerless to stop it. That's what I want for Christmas.

COLIN
You will give me back my son!

LEON
I don't have him.

COLIN
Your henchwoman stole him!

LEON
Hench woman? That bitch you were with...you mean you don't know? You really don't know? You can't just smell it on her? Who she is?

The blare of alarm wreaks havoc upon the ears of both supernatural beings.

LEON
I'll just go get her to explain who she is before I rip her tongue from her throat. That will be a bonus bit of misery for you.

Leon makes his departure to leave Colin behind and take care of the intruding into his compound.

Yet just as he leaves, the mystery woman decloaks from thin air, looking none the worse from her car accident last week.

COLIN
You.

WOMAN
Are you some kind of idiot or something?

COLIN
What manner of trickery is this?

WOMAN
I expected you to be dumb, but you're even stupider than I imagined.
(waving her hands)
RIPOS SPIRITUS!

Such a powerful spell shreds the bars apart as if they were nothing than pieces of a cotton ball falling away.

WOMAN
Like I was saying before you acted like a moron, if you want to see your son hurry up and come with me.

COLIN
You will tell me who you are.

WOMAN
We don't have time for this.

COLIN
I say what we have time for!

WOMAN
Fine, if it will shut you up. The name's Cassidy.

COLIN
Cassidy?

CASSIDY
Cassidy Maguire. I'm your sister. Dick.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, OAOAST correspondent Sara Jean Underwood conducted an interview with OAOAST U.S. Champion Oscar Friberg and Big IQ. The guys apologized to Oscar for letting their emotions get the best of them at November Reign, resulting in both being DQ'd, leaving Oscar to go it alone 4 on 1. Ice Quiz put over Oscar's performance which almost saw him defy the odds and then hyped the 2016 Anderson Cup, officially entering Big IQ in the tournament. 

Then it was Oscar's turn to speak. He put over Big IQ and hyped his title match with Tyler Bryant at the 2016 OAOAST New Year's Spectacular, telling Tyler going around claiming to be the superstar of the future isn't good enough, he's gotta prove it in the ring (no outside interference, etc) man to man because "actions speak louder than words."

OSCAR
That's why I proudly wear this belt around my waist.

In front of an OAOAST back drop stands Eggther, the BUSTLE Junior Heavyweight Champion.

EGGTHER
Bo, I pinned you at November Reign. But you might not realize that because my Bride Price left you in a catatonic state. This is the price you keep having to pay for ripping me off and screwing me out of my chance to be a world champion. You had the nerve to go on strike and hide like not like The Beast but like The Bitch. So bitch I'm telling you that you'll see me in the ring at New Years Spectacular!

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

*** "The King of Bronies" Daisuke Motozaki & The Party Brigade w/ Amberlyn Duncan vs. Keyboard Warriors (Lazy T, MF'er 24/7 & Dweeb) ***

A non-title match for the reigning OAOAST 6-man tag champs who easily handled their anonymous masked opponents, scoring the win after Dice-M struck Dweeb with the Rainbow Dash Mash.

Winners: The Party Brigade & Dice-M, via pinfall.

Renee interviewed the guys after the match, especially wanting to know who Dice-M's mystery partner would be against Slaughterhouse's Deuce Deuce Bigelow and Jumbo in the tag team tables matches at the 2016 OAOAST New Year's Spectacular. Dice offered a smile as Piercy D freaked out on the mic, saying his boy's partner is a "bad, bad man."

Inside the state of the art interview set we have Terry Taylor and a hannukah sweater wearing Krista Isadora Duncan and Queen Esther, in front of the many monitors and gadgets.

TAYLOR
Happy Hannukah, Krista!

KRISTA
If I wanted your well wishes I'd have punched you in the gut and forced them out of you.

TAYLOR
Sorry.  Happy Holidays, Queen Esther.

QUEEN ESTHER
Thank-

KRISTA
Sorry, you have to be a rank five human being to speak to my fairy god mother. You are a rank one maggot.

TAYLOR
On a scale of what?!

KRISTA
Lowest on the scale of 9000.

TALOR
Crap. But right now, let's talk about Logan Mann. The war between you both intensified at November Reign.

KRISTA
Logan is entering what I call life's second act. And, Terry old buddy old pal, he wants to make his second act different than his first.

QUEEN ESTHER
Theater! Not the noblest of professions, but it is good that the elder prostitutes and orphans can make honest coin.

KRISTA
He sees that his first act saw him marry Holly, who has clit shaped like a penis, tag with a man who now makes his living doing podcasts. Not a radio show. A podcast. The internet equivalent to the satanic musings on a 3 am public access show. And of course Logan spent a good portion of his first act following the teachings of man who's net worth is equivalent to the value of unflushed toilet water.

TAYLOR
I donated to his church once.

KRISTA
Shut up. People can change in the second act. I know I did. I used to be vain, slutty. and cruel, and petty, and vengeful, and quick to anger, but I totally changed all that in my second act. Right?

QUEEN ESTHER
…..........

TAYLOR
…....

KRISTA
RIGHT?!

TAYLOR and QUEEN ESTHER
Of course, Krista!

KRISTA
But, Logan can't change. He will eternally blow the great penis of failure. So lengthy is his stay on failure's penis he might be mistaken for an STD growth. There is no hope for your future, Logan. You thought you could kickstart the growth of your second act, by feuding with me and suing me for ten million dollars. Please, let me disavow you of that notion. You are merely a filler feud until I win the Lethal Rumble or the world title and go on to mainevent AngleMania. You could have been Deuce, or Silver, or Tyler, or Bohemoth. You are all the interchangeable collection of venereal disease that I am forced to deal with between world title reigns.

TAYLOR
Glad I'm retired!

KRISTA
But, the legal system seems to avoid the simple realities of life, and fails to note that I'm white and you're black. So because we still have that pesky lawsuit on the books, here's what we're gonna do. We'll have ourselves a match at New Years Spectacular, if I win you drop the suit. If you win, which you will not, then I'll pay you twenty million dollars. And we Jews don't like to come off money very easily.

QUEEN ESTHER
Only three jews were burned at the stake during my father's reign.

KRISTA
Nicer than Hitler!

TAYLOR
That's a lot of money to offer up.

KRISTA
There's a greater chance of me not ending this day with a cock in my ass than me paying Logan Mann a single cent.

QUEEN ESTHER
***faints***

COMING UP NEXT
TMW: REVOLUTION CHALLENGE!

[Chanel #99]

SAN DIEGO, CA
We're on the beach in sunny San Diego, overlooking the TMW praticipants who are staring down a daunting obstacle course. Positioned at the forefront is our host, Sara Jean!

SARA JEAN
What's up, everybody! Its Sara Jean here with the cast of TMW: Revolution for the beach obstacle course challenge, designed by Krista Isadora Duncan. Whoever completes it furst is your winner! So let's take you guys through Krista's created hell, and she hates you all so you're probably gonna die. Fun! On your marks get set go!

And they're off....except Bedrock who stands still scratching his ass.

BEDROCK
Oooga?

SARA JEAN
Run through the course, Bedrock

BEDROCK
Oooga?

SARA JEAN
We aren't all cut out to solve life's simple mysterys, Bedrock.

Gory is a lot smarter than Bedrock, and so manages to get through the monkey bars before everyone. His problem comes right after that when he starts to crawling beneath fake barbwire. That's when NATHANIEL BLACK yanks him out and begins pummeling him!

BLACK
I wont my championship back, ya arse!

Gory manages to buck off Black, but has no desire to stick around and makes a run in the opposite direction of the finish line. Peeved, Black follows after him.

SARA JEAN
I wonder if Krista is somewhere laughing

We see Turbowolf making it out beneath the barbwire course with Conan right behind him.

TUBROWOLF
You ain't beating me, rich boy.

CONAN
Did I give you permission to address me.

While those two argue, Sgt.Holt storms ahead. He hops his feet between the tire path with the ease of a practiced military vet. The problem is he looks up and sees a plane with the Ao1N logo flying a banner that reads “SGT.HOLT=AMERICAN HERO”

SGT.HOLT
Not those guys. Not here. Not now.

Holt is bumped down by Turbowolf, who has resumed the lead, and Holt is then surpassed by the charge of second place, Conan.

Meanwhile in the back Pete can't fit beneath the fake barbwire. Luckily Jesse is somewhat sympathetic and lifts the barbwire up so Pete can crawl through.

PETE
You're a good kid, Jesse. I owe you. If you wanna come over for Christmas, please do. Bring your whole family, your sisters, your female cousins, your nieces.

JESSE
What could possibly go wrong!

Agent Augeur has caught up to Holt and the two men ascend the ropes on the high wall. But, Augeur suddenly lashes out and kicks Holt, knocking him back to the ground!

AGENT AUGEUR
Nothing in life can ever be fair.

Augeur climbs down the other side of the wall as Holt as to make his way back up.

With Augeur approaching behind them, Conan and Turbowolf make their way up a huge expanse of cargo net.

TURBOWOLF
Can't get your butler to climb this for you, can ya?

CONAN
If only I could get you to shut up.

The duo reach the otherside of the cargo and make their descent along its towering path.

Elsewhere, fat ass Pete can't make it up the ropes, so he turns to Jesse for help.

PETE
Give me a boost, Jesse. Do it for your ol pal, Pete.

JESSE
Ehh, why not. We're all dude bros here!

Jesse tries to boost Pete up but finds the task to be oppressively difficult.

JESSE
You have an alarmingly fat ass, Pete.

PETE
Just more for Gretchen to love.

JESSE
I feel mostly positive that's not going to happen.

Conan and TurboWolf are hauling their bodies up the eight levels of a multi platform wooden tower. When both men reach the top, they realize the only way down is to take a grapple and slide down. No room for fears of heights, they make a rapid drive to the ground and hit it running.

TurboWolf and Coco are on the rush for the finish. It's down to them as the end is a welcoming destination in front of them. Somehow Conan keeps pace with TurboWolf, pace enough to cross the finish line the same time as him.

SARA JEAN
A tie!

TURBOWOLF
Ain't no ties.

SARA JEAN
A tie!

TURBOWOLF
You better go to a photo finish. That's what it's called right?

SARA JEAN
Sorry but that's not in the budget

CONAN
Just what exactly is the budget?

SARA JEAN
Let's put it this way, we need to clear out before the navy realizes we're on their turf.

CONAN
Pathetic.

SARA JEAN
Move out, everyone.

COMMERCIAL

[Chanel #99]

Backstage, a dark vehicle pulls up. The door opens and out steps Samantha Cayley, followed by her brother Blaine equipped with a cricket bat, Gloss with a bat and chainsaw (!) and Spencer Reiger who pleads for calm. 

SPENCER
Guys, please. Just give me a chance to speak with Melissa. 

BLAINE
We agreed to your one week cool down period. 

GLOSS
And it only made us hotter. *pulls out FLAMETHROWER from trunk*

BLAINE
So the time for talking is over. 

SPENCER
Hey, I'm all for going after Phecda and Houd, but Melissa? 

GLOSS
Her goons tried to drive a stake through my heart!

SPENCER
I just have a hard time believing she'd plot something so sinister. 

GLOSS
Well she did and I'm pissed.

SAMANTHA
I agree with Spencer. 

GLOSS & BLAINE
 

SAMANTHA
I mean, I think Melissa learned her lesson the last time she tried messing with you. Maybe Phecda and Houd did go rouge. I say we let Spencer talk to her. 

Gloss and Blaine shoot each other a look.

GLOSS
(sigh)
Fine. 

We follow Spencer as he walks to the Pretty Young Money dressing room and knocks on the door. Melissa opens and is ecstatic.

MELISSA
Spencer! You've come back! Come on in!

Spencer enters but not us. 

MELISSA
This here is a private meeting. 

Door slams in camera's face.

[Chanel #99]

***The XFL W/Rick Heyross Vs Shayne Brave***

THE XFL
You again? Ain't I beat your ass once already?

SHAYNE
That was before I learned the secret to fucking you up, bitch ass.

THE XFL
Bitch ass? Boy you better never call me that!

SHAYBE
Bitch ass bitch ass bitch ass! You a bitch ass, a bitch ass! He a bitch ass! A bitch ass!

“HE'S A BITCH ASS! HE'S A BITCH ASS! HE'S A BITCH ASS!”

The XFL comes after Shayne with a yakuza kick that misses due to Shayne ducking. Shayne then pops up and starts peppering The XFL with chops. The world champion fights back but gets dropped by dropsault, which only gets a one count.

HEYROSS
You are still the champ!

Shayne comes at Xavier with a leg lariat that was caught, then The XFL shifted him into a power bomb set up.

RENEE
Look out, #traplord!

COACH
Don't call that idiot that.

Shayne managed to slide out the finisher and then used a school boy on Xaviet for a two count.

THE XFL
No more playing around now!

SHAYNE
We never play in the trap.

THE XFL
Man, fuck you.

The XFL growls at Shayne and throws a lariat that Shayne matrixes out of. But The XFL comes through with a discus big boot!

RENEE
Oooh that's just sick.

The XFL then proceeded to work over Shayne's back with suplex moves and back breakers. Shayne tried to fight back and tried to stomach the pain, but he went down to a The Longbomb

Winner: The XFL, via pinfall

THE XFL
I don't wanna see this fool ass white boy again in my life. Ricky H, pass me my belt.

The fat face of Rick Heyross breaks into a smile as he passes the world title to The XFL.

RENEE
What's he going to do with the belt?

The XFL treats his title as if it was a common whip and Shayne was a slave from the plantation days, smashing the belt against the small of Shayne's back.

“BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOO!”

RENEE
There's no reason for this!

The XFL sees plenty of reason and continues to terrorize Shayne's back with the strap of the belt.

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

THE XFL
Alix ain't coming! Alix ain't here!

THE XFL

RENEE
Oh yes she is!

Like a bruentte Latina bat out of hell, Alix comes surging to the ring! The XFL fires the belt at her the moment she rises, but the Hollywood Bad Girl ducks and smashes The XFL with a lariat. The blow tangles him inside the ropes and then Alix scores big by dropkicking him out of the ring!

“YYYEEEAAAAAAAAAA!”

The XFL lands on his feet, minus his belt, and that's poor luck as Alix slams into him with a corkscrew plancha!

ALIX
Jesus rocks!

CROWD

ALIX
Nah, I'm kidding. Smoke weed everyday!

“YYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Alix pulls The XFL upright, apparently not done beating on him.

HEYROSS
Set him down so he can get medical attention!

Alix doesn't do anything like that and instead irish whips The XFL directly into Rick Heyross, taking them both out!

“YYYYEEEAAAAAAAAAA!”

COACH
Heyross is a non combatant!

RENEE
You sound like The Army of One Nation with your lingo.

COACH
That's the not the point!

The XFL stumbles upright, pissed and anguished over this sudden attack. He throws punches at Alix but only lands enough, and soon the number one contender bundles him over the guardrail and into the fans.

ALIX
Gang rape time!

CROWD

ALIX
Jesus Rocks!

“YYYYYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Alix ascends to the far end of the apron, well away from her hurting rival and all the fans near him, who should be raping him but aren't.

RENEE
I don't know what Alix is up to but its going to be bad for Xavier.

The Hollywood Bad Girl runs forward and once she hits the edge of the apron, she propels herself with a cannonbal senton that carries her over the railing directly onto The XFL!

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

ALIX
America! Fuck yeah!

“U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

Alix daps up the patriotic crowd as we....

FADE OUT